1191 replies to this topic

[fishinghat]

The intensity of these episodes fade with time. Your body will adjust.

[Mxpro32]

Oh I will. Anything I can do to help anyone else going through this hell. This place has been a guiding light that helped me to stop questioning the withdrawal. I can only imagine how much easier this process could be if the drs. Prepared you for the process and assured you it was normal and you would be ok. Doubt and second guessing has been the worst part. I'm still not out of the woods, but I'm glad I'm inspiring to someone, lol. I'm learning patience and other skills I think will serve me even when I'm recovered. Meditation is a practice I plan to continue, as it has been helping me greatly.

[invalidusername]

Thanks MX - good to have more hands on the team. Forum has been the busiest I can remember for a long time over the last few days. 

 

No complaints from me - I enjoy being part of the community and helping my fellows. Shame I am having very busy days so I have to pack it all in to an hour before dinner at the moment

[Mxpro32]

I slept through the night last night. Hallelujah. Seems the clonazepam is working better.

[frog]

I meant to respond to this when you posted but WOOHOO for sleeping! I hope the sleep has continued to be good the last few days. I've had a pretty good sleep streak myself. The day that I can fall asleep again without any sleep aids will be an incredible day. 

[Mxpro32]

Thanks. Yeah, I'm still pretty much sleeping through the night. Woke up at 5 am last night, but still not too bad. I can't wait to sleep without meds too, but for now it's a godsend. Hopefully coming off the clonazepam eventually isn't too rough. My mood has been pretty decent lately too. Doing some crying today, but it feels like the good kind. The kind that comes from feeling stuff you should have been feeling but weren't able to.

[fishinghat]

MxPro, when it comes time to come off the benzos I can let you know how to do it with little or no withdrawal effects.

[invalidusername]

Sorry MX - missed this one, but very happy for you!!

 

Good times

[Mxpro32]

Man, I slept crappy the last 2 nights again. Woke at 1:30 and then 5 with that antsy, anxious, wanna crawl out of my skin feeling. Yesterday, I started off anxious, then turned emotional and did some crying, then it turned depression with adrenaline. This morning I'm feeling depressed with adrenaline. I'm exhausted too from crap sleep. I had strung together so many days of feeling somewhat normal, it's really disappointing. My weekend was so normal, I had big plans to be productive this week. Instead I'm collapsing and accomplishing nothing. I'm trying to go easy on myself without much success. I'm so irritated I can't trust myself to function yet.

[frog]

Sorry to hear it

I can totally relate. I think if it wasn't for the propranolol I'm taking I would be feeling even worse than I am because it spares me from the majority of the adrenaline effects which gives me some relief. But I can definitely still feel that inner restlessness and anxiety when it's there, which is still a lot of the time. I know it's so disappointing to feel good and make plans only to have your brain and body screw things up again. But are you finding that you're seeing more back to back good days? Since the brain seems to want to function in waves the crappier days are inevitable but if you're at least seeing more and more distance between them then that's something worth celebrating. 

[Mxpro32]

Yeah, the overall trajectory is still good. My low days just haven't been this low for a while. The lack of sleep doesn't help. I felt so much better for the few days I slept. I'm feeling pretty angry and picked on today. Like a cruel joke giving me sleep and then taking it back again. I want off this ride. I just want to feel normal already. I've gotten tastes of it.

[Mxpro32]

The problem is, I've had enough good/neutral days and steady improvement with flickers of creativity and motivation, combined with less severe down days, I got my hopes up. I was even sleeping through the night. I really felt like I made it over the hump. Now I'm waking up antsy in the middle of the night again, and I feel like crap. I was able to exercise, and now I can't do that either. I'm tired if this crap.

[frog]

It's literally the worst feeling when things crash after you really start to build your confidence. This is just so unlike any other kind of recovery that it's impossible to not feel hopeful and optimistic each time because if this was any other kind of injury or illness, once you turn a corner you're good! Just remember that you will have the good days back again soon, you just have to wait out these little setbacks. I think for me each time the bad days come back, I immediately flash to worst case scenario that the bad days are now here forever and I will never feel good again, I'm back to square 1, etc. but looking at my little chart of the past 6 weeks, that's never been the case. They usually pass within a few days at most and then there are easier days again. 

 

Also as far as sleep, don't get too down about it. I'm sure at this stage even a slight increase in adrenaline or anxiety can mess up your sleep. It's pretty standard for me to have bad sleep or no sleep if I feel tense and stressed at bedtime. If you're feeling stressed and tense right now because you're frustrated at how bad you feel again it kind of makes sense that your sleep isn't as peaceful. I am confident you will sleep well again soon once things ease up!

[Mxpro32]

Thanks frog. I know things are getting better. I'm just bitching and moaning and throwing a pity party. I'm just so ready for my thoughts, emotions, and actions to jive again. Like things actually mean something and I can continue building and living a meaningful life. I'm tired of this purgatory where nothing means anything and I'm just waiting for time to pass. I feel like I can't even connect with my kids any more. Like they can tell I'm different or something.

[frog]

Same same same. Purgatory is a great way to describe this state. Every day I just do whatever I can to make the day go by as quickly as possible so I can get more and more days/weeks/months behind me and closer to the end of this.

 

My husband and I moved across the country shortly before this hell and have essentially had to put building a new life here on hold for over 3 months and counting. We also really have no friends or family here so it's pretty much just the two of us every day. I'm so desperate to start doing more but I'm also still all over the place and really fear making any plans because so far they don't work out and then I'm left feeling even more disappointed. I try really hard to motivate myself by saying that I just need to hang in there a little bit longer and one day soon it will all be behind me but not having any concrete timeline for recovery makes it complicated. 

 

I don't even know how people who have small children cope through the withdrawal. You can't explain to them what's happening and they have a lot of needs no matter how crappy you're feeling. So major major major kudos to you. It's seriously impressive to me

[Mxpro32]

Thanks. It's rough. They don't deserve a checked out dad so I push myself to put a happy face on and play with them. I still feel like they pick up on it though. I'm pissed they are growing up before me and I'm not able to be fully present for it. 8 months has gone by and they are transitioning into big kids and I feel like I'm missing it.

[frog]

You're obviously a selfless and caring dad for putting yourself through this for their sake. I know these early years go by fast but in the grand scheme of things this is just a small slice out of the timeline. You'll be making happy memories with them again very soon and it'll push all this further and further from your mind. I'm positive that if they were old enough to understand they would be really proud of you!

[Mxpro32]

4 1/2 hours of sleep again last night. The clonazepam gave me a few nights of sleep and it's been back to the usual. It's a cruel joke.

[frog]

Sorry Mxpro That's not a great success rate. It's odd that it worked right away but only for such a short time. Maybe talk to your doc about trying something other than benzos? Doesn't sound like they work that well for you for sleep 

[fishinghat]

I am just one person, but when I was on Clonazepam it took 45 minutes to kick in, lasted and hour and wore off. They wanted to take me to 6 mg doses but I refused. No way!!

[Mxpro32]

It's supposed to last a lot longer than Xanax. I was even warned I might be groggy the next day. It took a few days to work, then I slept through the night a few nights, and now it's not working again. It's frustrating.

[fishinghat]

A lot of people build up tolerance to benzos very quickly. Yes it is suppose to last longer than that but in many people it doesn't.

[Mxpro32]

Would I be better off tapering off of it since it's not working anyway? Only thing is I can't fall asleep without it

[Mxpro32]

Would the tolerance to clonazepam happen faster because I was on Xanax so long?

[fishinghat]

Benzo withdrawal can be very wicked unless done very slowly. At this point I would not expose yourself to another variable that may make things worse. Just stay on your current dose until your current withdrawal is over.

"Would the tolerance to clonazepam happen faster because I was on Xanax so long? "
Yes, it definitely can.

[invalidusername]

A lot of people build up tolerance to benzos very quickly. Yes it is suppose to last longer than that but in many people it doesn't.

 

I can vouch for that - I went from 2.5mg, to 5mg, to 10mg of valium very quickly. Even that only lasts an hour at best once it kicks in. Not really worth it which is why I rarely take the stuff.

[Mxpro32]

Wow this stuff wore off fast. I just realized last night that I don't even feel it anymore. The first week, it would lay me out. Like slurring words, couldn't stay awake. After 1 week, almost nothing and I'm waking up at 4 am.

[fishinghat]

Same as me. They are not suppose to do that but sometimes they do.

[Mxpro32]

I'm starting to feel hopeless like I'm never going to sleep well again. I can't believe I got 3 nights sleep and it quit working. It just got my hopes up for nothing. I felt so much better those days too. Now I wake up antsy and depressed after 4 hours and can't go back to sleep. Seriously, is this ever going to end?

[fishinghat]

Benadryl

Hydroxyzine

Clonidine

Melatonin sublingual

lemon balm tea

and many more.

 

What have you tried so far?