1191 replies to this topic

[Lovey]

Hi everyone I wanted to stop by and say hello I think of you all very often just kind of keeping my eyes ahead and looking for the good things everyday.

[fishinghat]

Hi Lovey, great to hear from you. I hope all is well with you. Keep your chin up and stay safe.

[Lovey]

Thanks hat. I just saw What you wrote about your symbol being a fish in the sky.. a fish spotlight that's so funny I'll be sure to remember that when I need you!!

[Mxpro32]

hey Y'all.  I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going.  I'm starting to have more time where I experience the full experience of living that wasn't possible numbed out on cymbalta.  I still have a lot of days where it takes a lot of effort to make it through the day, where I'm anxious, depressed, or lack motivation and well-being, but its nice to get the benefits of being off the meds too.  when things are good, they are much richer and fulfilling now.  my sleep is still terrible.  I'm sleeping 4-5 hours of fitful sleep.  I think there is a psychological component to that now though.  I'm not waking with jolts of adrenaline, I just wake and can't go back to sleep.  the thing is though, if I pick up my ipad and start reading I'm instantly sleepy and start yawning.  set it down and I'm wide awake.  I think I have a lot in the back of my mind.  my business is going great, but we are so busy I'm having issues with supplies, etc.  another really positive development is the anxiety is almost gone for the most part.  I still have occasional emotional upwellings that are intense and make me feel anxious, but its short lived.  I feel like I'm transitioning out of emergency mode and into regular life.  I was telling a friend yesterday how grateful I am for you guys.  without your reassurance that it was withdrawal and that I would be fine, I would 100% be back on meds and unable to feel the richness I'm starting to feel.  I'm crying as I type this, because it means so much to me.  thank you so much.  

[fishinghat]

Hi Mxpro. 

 

That is a wonderful post. It is a testament to your strength and patience. Proud of you. There is still more improvements to come so don't over do things. It is so amazing to me about how long it takes to recover from this withdrawal. Just amazing. How long have you been off now?

[Mxpro32]

Like 16 months. I feel like things would improve a lot if my sleep improved. I sleep 1:00 to 6:00 like clockwork. And that 5 hours is fitful, light sleep

[frog]

Mxpro that is wonderful news. And ditto about the appreciation I feel for everyone on this forum for literally keeping me afloat through that whole first year off. I'm also off nearly 16 months now and thanks to this forum found L-theanine supplements which saved me from going on any SSRIs out of desperation. I'm SO grateful for that. The L-theanine has made me feel 97% normal again and lifted that heavy blanket of anxiety I was under every day. And best of all there are no side effects and I don't have to worry about how bad it might be to get pregnant while on an antidepressant if I ever wanted to.

 

Sleep is also kind of my final hurdle back to normalcy. I'm able to sleep 7 or 8 hours pretty consistently but I cannot fall asleep without the Seroquel. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I wake up almost with a little jolt, like I can't breathe. Most days I wake up really tired, and unrested even after sleeping so many hours. I wish I could take a nap but I can't fall asleep no matter how tired and sleepy I feel. 

 

I don't know if it's possible but I think my brain has gotten used to being put to sleep by medication and has decided it no longer needs to help. I think very soon I'm going to "taper" the last pill of Seroquel and add in melatonin and good sleep hygiene habits and see if I can kickstart my brain into doing the job again. I've been avoiding it because not sleeping is so miserable, but it will be much easier to not sleep while I'm working remotely than when I have to return to the office. 

 

MXpro I'm wondering if a calming supplement like even l-theanine might help you have a more peaceful sleep? I know others also like taking magnesium at night for relaxation, etc. Improving your sleep hygiene can also be helpful. I definitely sleep better when I avoid the news and stay off most social media before bed. 

[Lovey]

I've begun the reduction again.( I was pausing at 18 beads twice a day for a year... Due to covid, too much instability....) I'm ready to go now! I've cut down to 17 beads a.m. and 17 p.m. So far it's going pretty well. I'm staying at each reduction for 2.5 weeks ( 17-18 days) then dropping another bead. Do you guys think I can get away with doing one bead less per a.m. and p.m. or would you recommend just dropping one bead in the a.m. and keeping the same in the p.m.?

[Mxpro32]

Mxpro that is wonderful news. And ditto about the appreciation I feel for everyone on this forum for literally keeping me afloat through that whole first year off. I'm also off nearly 16 months now and thanks to this forum found L-theanine supplements which saved me from going on any SSRIs out of desperation. I'm SO grateful for that. The L-theanine has made me feel 97% normal again and lifted that heavy blanket of anxiety I was under every day. And best of all there are no side effects and I don't have to worry about how bad it might be to get pregnant while on an antidepressant if I ever wanted to.

 

Sleep is also kind of my final hurdle back to normalcy. I'm able to sleep 7 or 8 hours pretty consistently but I cannot fall asleep without the Seroquel. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I wake up almost with a little jolt, like I can't breathe. Most days I wake up really tired, and unrested even after sleeping so many hours. I wish I could take a nap but I can't fall asleep no matter how tired and sleepy I feel. 

 

I don't know if it's possible but I think my brain has gotten used to being put to sleep by medication and has decided it no longer needs to help. I think very soon I'm going to "taper" the last pill of Seroquel and add in melatonin and good sleep hygiene habits and see if I can kickstart my brain into doing the job again. I've been avoiding it because not sleeping is so miserable, but it will be much easier to not sleep while I'm working remotely than when I have to return to the office. 

 

MXpro I'm wondering if a calming supplement like even l-theanine might help you have a more peaceful sleep? I know others also like taking magnesium at night for relaxation, etc. Improving your sleep hygiene can also be helpful. I definitely sleep better when I avoid the news and stay off most social media before bed. 

I’ve been taking l theanine for a while now whenever I have a bout of anxiety or an emotional upwelling and it really works.  Life is still really hard, and I almost always feel like I could cry, and I get overwhelming emotions out of the blue almost every day, but I’m starting to get glimpses of a normal life with rich emotions.  I feel like the sleep deprivation isn’t helping the crying/emotional thing.  

[Lovey]

Calling Hatman! Hey there can u check your messages when you get a chance also just wanted to say hi to everybody on here I hope you're doing well and you're all in my prayers have a wonderful day!

[Lovey]

Hey guys I'm here to say hi! It's extremely cold here like 12° and wind y but there's a little sun which is great I'm down to 16 beads twice a day doing well so far taking it nice and slow yeah so just a nice little check in trying to keep things as calm and even as possible. ❤️🌈🎈

[fishinghat]

As the old saying goes...'Slow by steady like a frog walking.'

 

We had a high of -1F yesterday (-18C) and a low of -12F (-24C) and a wind chill of -30F (-34C).

 

In the last 3 days we have had 12" of snow with 1/2" of ice under that.

 

Ughh!!

[Lovey]

Hat omg what planet are you on? Wow!! That's extreme weather for sure!!! I hope you have lots of blankets and warm sweaters!

[fishinghat]

I live in the midwest, Missouri and it has been brutal. I am very lucky in that I installed a moderate solar solar system over the last few years and it has really helped reduce my natural gas use. Warmer days are coming though. 

[Lovey]

The solar system was a great investment when I get to my forever home I would love to do that as well My bill is part of my rent so it's not too terrible I'm in the Midwest also in Illinois It's a little less severe here still cold and there's mountains of snow piles in the parking lots!!

[Mxpro32]

man, my insomnia has been brutal.  its down to 4 hours a night now.  I just don't understand why its so bad.  my mood has been good for a couple weeks. like pretty normal and content.  funny thing is I've actually been irritable and cranky, but I feel good.  people think I expect to feel "happy" all the time, but its not true.  depression and anxiety are different than mood.  this terrible insomnia is starting to take its toll again though.  I'm so exhausted I just feel like crying all the time, and its starting to make me depressed.  I just wish I knew what was going on, and how much longer I'm going to have to put up with this.  this insomnia is the last really terrible hurdle I just can't seem to clear.  it got better for a while there, then it just comes back and I don't know why. 

[Lovey]

Praying peaceful sleep for you mxpro

[invalidusername]

Apologies for my late arrival - just been catching up with the last few days goings-on.

 

MX - the reading, feeling tired and then wide awake again when you put the book down is a classic. I did that for a long time. My route out of that was meditation. Most of the time I would sleep with it still going and wake up with my earphones still in. You just need to make sure you set your media player to stop, or repeat the same meditation track. Can't tell you how many times I have entered a blissful slumber only then to be jolted awake by Metalica's greatest hits

 

Much like anything else with recovery, there will be ups and downs. I remember a time when you had difficulty getting sleep at all. A solid 5 hours is a great step forward and it will return. 

 

I also read before bed, but then meditate afterwards. I also read kiddie's fiction rather than thrillers or mysteries etc as this can make your thought process worse. I like the escapism of fairies, enchanted woods, talking animals and castles in the sky! I have trouble with dreams, so it is better for me to clear the stresses of the day by having a good hour or more of reading something totally opposite that dilutes the former.

 

Hang in there, improvements will continue.

 

IUN

[Mxpro32]

I've been doing so great, its a little easier to deal with the setbacks, but its still not fun.  I hadn't had actual anxiety in probably 2 months, but its come back with a vengeance for about a week now.  the sleep has been horrendous too.  I'm lucky to get 4-5 hours.  a lot of nights I can't fall asleep til 2, them I'm wide awake at 3:30, back to sleep at maybe 4, then up for good at 5:30.  I woke this morning with the nightmarish terrible anxiety and fear with my mind racing about everything that could ruin me.  the anxiety during the day is pretty terrible, and I feel like crying a lot.  when it happens now, it really reminds me of how good I have been doing.  I've mostly been having almost no anxiety, and everything feels pretty in perspective and nothing feels too scary or overwhelming.  its still a mystery to me how this still pops up from time to time, but I know it won't last, and its becoming few and far between.  overall, when I'm not suffering terrible anxiety, I'm really feeling the richness of life.  I know I'm capable of feeling way more pain off cymbalta, but I'm also able to feel all the good stuff.  

[fishinghat]

When I saw that there was a new post from you I was really hoping it was good news. This horrible experience takes so long to subside. Unbelievable!!  Great news and I am sure there will still be some more recovery in  the future.

[frog]

Funny timing mxpro. I've also had my stress levels creep back up over the past few weeks. I had been sleeping quite well for a while (still on seroquel but c'est la vie) sleeping for 7-8 hours straight, etc. Over the past month or so my sleep has been a lot more fragmented, I wake up most days feeling hungover like I had stayed up all night. There was a week or two where I was also waking up practically gasping for breath but I allergies were contributing to that. I still feel like I'm so tense all the time that my breathing muscles are tense too and that's where my breathing issues are stemming from. But relaxing is HARD. I constantly catch myself being so tense that I'm holding my breath and I have to consciously release it. Anyway I'm still leaps and bounds and miles better than I had been this time last year but my sensitivity to stress is still so high. My therapist's take is that while there may not be any one big thing that feels obvious enough to be the source, there's probably just a number of smaller things that are being ignored and piling up. I still think the isolation of COVID is probably responsible for a good amount too. My anxiety is primarily of the anticipation kind, always has been. And well... there's nothing but anticipation these days...

 

Glad you're able to keep perspective on the fact that it will get better again soon. This may also be a sign that there's some stuff going on that you're not fully dealing with so maybe there's an opportunity to do some self reflection on what might be contributing to your stress. Improving your sleep hygiene and working on relaxation will probably also help release some tension and allow you to have more peaceful sleep. I'm now trying out progressive muscle relaxation in bed right before sleep. Looking for a good guided one that's not too long if anyone has any suggestions.

[invalidusername]

I know it is so strange for this to seem right, but these moments do come back. Just looking at my recovery graph, I can see exactly how it happened. It is great that you can see past it all and know that it will not last. This is the best focus to maintain. They are momentary lapses back to what it was previously doing and you need to send a clear message that you are changing. The more you can maintain your normal day-to-day routine, the better.

 

Speaking of stress, I got my homeopath involved as I have some crazy stuff going on, and she has really helped, but I still find myself rushing around. 

 

Even reading Frog's message I was rushing...

 

It reads "still on seroquel but c'est la vie", but I read "stood on a squirrel but c'est la vie" 

 

Glad you are also seeing the benefits from times previous my green angel. I think your therapist is right on the money. There is only so much we can take. I remember when our dear Gail was trying to explain the spoon theory to me. I still don't exactly get it, but we each have so many things (or "spoons") we can take in a day (there is laughing in my head now). Once we hit that threshold, we need to make a conscious effort to prevent anything else. We know what will cause stress, so we need to monitor it... in spoons.. apparently!!

 

Such a quirky bundle of love was our Gail!!

[Mxpro32]

Boy, I always try to examine if its my thoughts or stresses causing the anxiety or if its just me for a while.  I'm so jumpy.  my wifes phone makes a noise and I jump inside.  my fear response to everything is exaggerated.  tiny things and big things alike trigger panic.  it really seems as if my system is just super sensitive.  whenever the anxiety lasts this long it seems to turn to depression and it has.  I'm starting to feel depressed today.  I feel like crawling out of my skin because I'm a nervous wreck, depressed, and nothing feels worthwhile.  I feel like I want an escape of some sort that I can't find, not even through sleep.  this is the worst I've felt in a while and it sucks.  

[frog]

Mxpro you and I just got extremely lucky and had a yearlong global pandemic hit in the middle of our withdrawal recovery disrupting all regular life as we know it I'm still convinced that when life returns to normal there will be some relief from that constant on edge feeling. Hopefully I'm not wrong

[invalidusername]

MX.. really sorry that this is dragging its heels a bit at the moment. But should it help. what you describe is every bit what happened to me. Depression always comes in after a certain point simply because you have had enough, but this usually marks the beginning of the end as you stop fighting it when you become depressed. You start to think "well I just don't care any more, just do what you will with me", and it is then that it follows. You pay the stress little mind and it clears off.

 

Remember, what you resist, persists, and therefore the opposite is logically true/

 

I agree with Frog that all the doings on with the covid nightmare will have a big part to do with it all....

[Mxpro32]

thanks guys.  you are right iun,  when the anxiety is just too much it turns to depression as you get tired of fighting it.  I think its a natural rebound effect.  I'm already starting to feel better.  I'm not sure what causes those anxiety periods.  it feels like they just come out of the blue.  the last couple days I've been pretty calm and good, then last night sitting by my wife watching big bang theory, this wave of anxious energy and emotion just swelled on me out of the blue.  I started breathing funny and yawning uncontrollably.  sometimes I start laughing even.  I try not to focus on the anxiety or any of my feelings really,  my wife really has no idea how bad it is inside as I just carry on and try to ignore it.

[frog]

I was getting a lot of those waves of anxiety/emotion before I started taking l-theanine. I think it's actually a wave of panic as opposed to your run of the mill "anxiety". Kind of like a mini panic attack. What would happen was I would have some passing anxious thought and because I was already so tense and fight or flighty all the time, instead of letting the thought wander on by, my brain would grab the thought and manifest it physically. Just curious if you ever start paying attention and notice that you're actually super tense or holding your breath in, etc. I definitely catch myself all the time. 

 

Since I started taking l theanine I pretty much don't get the panic waves anymore at all though I am still very tense. Focusing more on my breathing is providing an additional layer of relaxation and tension release though. This is a new thing I'm trying. My theory is that if I can get my body back down to neutral (in terms of stress level) and stay there for a little while then I can hit the 'reset' button on all of this. It's almost like the Cymbalta withdrawal caused such an intense and prolonged stress response that even though the withdrawal has passed, my body thinks that this is my base line now. But if it got wired in, then it can get wired out. That's my goal. 

[Mxpro32]

I put together a good 4 days of feeling normal, then today I'm finishing up some projects around the house that I've neglected for too long, and anxiety and emotion just starts coming on strong out of the blue.  now I feel a bunch of emotional energy and anxiety and I feel like crying.   I was never like this before cymbalta.  I've been off long enough now that I'm wondering if there will ever be a time where I can count on not being overwhelmed like this out of the blue.  I worry what I would do if I wasn't self employed.

[fishinghat]

How long you been off now Mxpro?

[Mxpro32]

It's been about a year and a half