1191 replies to this topic

[Mxpro32]

I'm putting way too much pressure on myself too.  I go into my shop, and instead of being content that I'm able to be out there and accomplish something, I look around at projects I did in the past or cool products that are almost done and beat myself for not finishing them or for not having the same drive I used to have when I developed them.  lately I'm so depressed I just don't have the motivation to do anything though.  I've sort of been wallowing and feeling sorry for myself which I should probably work on.  I'm just frustrated and ready for life to not be so difficult and exhausting all the time.  I keep telling myself not to expect good sleep so I won't be so disappointed, yet every time I wake up too early I'm pissed and irritated.  I'm just losing patience, but I know getting pissed about it isn't going to help.  its like I'm reaching the point where I didn't think I would be dealing with this to the degree I am.  I really thought I would be a lot better by now so my patience and hope is fading.  I was confident I would have my act together a little before the baby got here, but now its a little over 3 months away and I'm envisioning a life where I can't even enjoy my new baby, with a side heaping of responsibility and disturbed sleep.  I'm having a hard time being there for my other kids too.  I feel like I have nothing left to give, so any attention I'm giving them is draining.  I keep losing patience with them and I hate it.  

 

I'm thinking going forward I'm going to need to try and not focus on how bad I'm feeling all the time, and try not to be frustrated by the lack of progress.  what choice do I have.  I'm trying remember what its like to be centered and grounded and hold that up as the goal.  its hard to remember when you are down in the dumps though.  its hard to accept that there isn't going to be a quick or easy way out of this.  I just hope to have some progress, positive emotions and motivation at some point.  

 

I think I should celebrate my last dose to night somehow.  

[fishinghat]

Mx, try not to mess with your Concerta. It just adds one more variable to the mix and gives you something else that could go wrong.  Just hang in there a couple three more weeks and the benzo withdrawal will slowly start to fade. Benzo withdrawal really messes with the sleep.

[Mxpro32]

Mx, try not to mess with your Concerta. It just adds one more variable to the mix and gives you something else that could go wrong.  Just hang in there a couple three more weeks and the benzo withdrawal will slowly start to fade. Benzo withdrawal really messes with the sleep.

 

 

yeah.  I'm finding I don't think its messing with my sleep much anyway.  it makes it harder to fall asleep, but I sleep 5 hours regardless.  probably best to just keep taking it for a while and then lower the dose again.  

[Mxpro32]

is it possible the anxiety gets worse for a bit after the last dose?  I've actually been having some pretty good days, but yesterday and today the anxiety has been pretty intense.  I wake up early in the morning running doomsday scenarios through my head like what would I do if my wife died leaving me to raise 3 kids with an unstable mind. what would I do if I got sued, what would I do if my business went under, etc.  just crazy anxious thoughts.  it usually fades during the day, but today the anxiety/fear and scary thoughts have been all day, and I feel like crying.  I'm encouraged by the good days I've been having, so I'm hoping this is just a blip.  

[fishinghat]

It is not only possible but even common. You have been through a lot of withdrawal lately so you are goin g to have to be patient. sorry.

[frog]

Mxpro major congrats on finishing your taper!!!

[Mxpro32]

Mxpro major congrats on finishing your taper!!!

Thanks!  It was highly satisfying I have to say.  Now let’s hope the anxiety keeps going down.  It’s already pretty tolerable during the day.  The mornings are pretty rough.

[Mxpro32]

boy, I'm a paranoid anxious wreck lately.  every little thing is spiking my anxiety.  like ridiculous minor stuff seems like the end of the world.  I wake up every morning in terror trying to reason my way out of certain doom.  my business is literally doing better than it has ever done in 14 years, and I'll wake up freaking out about what I would do if I lost it.  mainly because I feel like I am in no shape to function and can't tolerate any stress so I feel like I really would be screwed if something like that happened.  I keep waking up stressing about what I would do if my wife died and I had to raise 3 kids by myself.  helping my son with his first grade homework was causing me to panic, like its almost impossible to sit still there and help him.  I sure hope this is the last throws of benzo withdrawal.  its so ridiculous I know its not rational, but theres a tiny nugget of truth that my anxiety latches onto and my brain thinks is really happening and needs to be solved.  on top of it all, I'm pretty depressed too and have no motivation to do anything, which causes more anxiety because it furthers the narrative that I wouldn't be able to function if I had to.  I wish I could just sleep and check out.   

 

basically, I'm so anxious and depressed I can't function, but I'm anxious and depressed because I can't function.  not sure what to do with that.  my inability to cope is a significant stressor, which feeds my inability to cope.  I'ts got to be the withdrawals, as everything is overwhelming and anxiety inducing to a ridiculous level.  

[fishinghat]

It is the withdrawals but even knowing that doesn't help much. At your stage it feels like it will never end. It will end however. It is just a matter of dealing with this until it is over. 

[frog]

Mxpro you're describing exactly how I feel when I'm dealing with what I think are still withdrawal related anxiety waves, because they're so different from how I experienced anxiety before Cymbalta. 

It's just like you're saying, I'll have a passing worrying thought, but instead of just letting it drift by like I normally might, my brain grabs on tight and starts freaking out about it as if it's a real threat. 

 

In the past few weeks where my anxiety dipped to its lowest point in the last year, it stopped doing all of that. It was so refreshing. If I had a passing thought like that it would just float on by, I wouldn't react to it. So I know it's possible!!! This week the feeling of perpetual doom you're describing is back. It's like night and day. 

 

I know it probably doesn't help anything but just in case, I'm 110% certain that if something happened that you absolutely NEEDED to function for, you will find the strength. It's the anxiety that's telling you that you can't do it. Because you're scared that you can't do it, but you definitely can! 

[Mxpro32]

I think my anxiety is getting a little better.  its still pretty bad, but I'm not waking up in a paranoid panic any more.  just restless and anxious.  I've even been working on my taxes the last few days, which is always anxiety inducing for me and I'm handling it decently well (still with a ton of anxiety).  I just finished them and I'm starting to feel pretty depressed, even though my tax situation looks pretty good.  seems the post anxiety dump is coming.  

[Mxpro32]

last night I was actually really calm and peaceful.  I started getting really sleepy at 9:30, and went to bed at 11:00 thinking I was actually going to sleep good since I was so sleepy and didn't really have anxiety.  next thing I know I'm waking up at 4:00. wide awake and can't go back to sleep.  I wasn't even anxious, just awake and couldn't sleep.  after I laid there for a while the anxiety and restlessness set in.  now I'm really tired and getting pretty depressed.  I'm so tired of this crap.  

[fishinghat]

It really wears you down emotionally. If have to keep reminding yourself that it is only temporary. The being sleepy that evening is a good sign. Those types of feelings should slowly come along m ore and more often. 

[frog]

Mxpro the sleep thing is confusing isn't it? But hey at least you can FALL asleep. I still can't do that without meds It sucks to have to remember to take a pill before you can go to bed. At least it works quickly I suppose. 

[Mxpro32]

Mxpro the sleep thing is confusing isn't it? But hey at least you can FALL asleep. I still can't do that without meds It sucks to have to remember to take a pill before you can go to bed. At least it works quickly I suppose. 

the sleep thing is breaking me down.  when the anxiety dies down I'm exhausted and I get depressed.  I guess I should be thankful the anxiety is reducing, but the depression is much worse.  hopefully it levels off at some point.  I need meds to fall asleep too.  I take 50mg of trazodone.  although last night it felt like I may have been able to fall asleep without it.

[Mxpro32]

this is weird.  as my anxiety gets better, my insomnia is getting worse.  I went to bed at 12:30 last night, couldn't fall asleep till 2:00, then I was wide awake at 5:40 and couldn't go back to sleep.  I was pretty depressed yesterday, and I feel like I'm going to be depressed today because I'm exhausted.  this is awful

[invalidusername]

Caught up with your goings-on here MX... and I am sorry to hear that things are still taking their toll.

 

Sleep deprivation will for sure break you down and cause depression. It is such a horrible situation. But it is remarkable what the brain can do for sleep. For five days straight I slept for at least 8 or 9 hours but never felt as though I had slept at all - with each day getting worse, like it was compounding. 

 

Keep us posted on the traz - will be interesting to see if this improves the situation at all.

[Mxpro32]

I've been on the trazodone for a while now. It usually puts me out like a light, but I still wake up 4-5 hours later. I'm seriously wondering if I will ever sleep 8 hours again. I was depressed today too. I guess it's good my anxiety is getting better, maybe that means things are swinging the other way and will eventually level out. It's draining to never feel decent and never feel like doing anything.

[Mxpro32]

It's strange how when I'm having depression I have bowl issues. I always get crampy and constipated. Must be a serotonin thing?

[fishinghat]

Exactly

[Mxpro32]

It's strange cause I've never been constipated before this. This is day 4 of pretty bad depression. It takes great effort to do anything, and when I make myself I just feel like crying

[fishinghat]

Depression - Low adrenaline, probably high dopamine and constipation. When it swings back to anxiety- high adrenaline, low dopamine and diarrhea. That is just a rule of thumb and there are a lot of exceptions to this.

[Mxpro32]

Depression - Low adrenaline, probably high dopamine and constipation. When it swings back to anxiety- high adrenaline, low dopamine and diarrhea. That is just a rule of thumb and there are a lot of exceptions to this.

And in theory at some point it will be in the middle? There's high dopamine when you are depressed? I thought dopamine was the reward hormone. I feel like nothing feels enjoyable.

[fishinghat]

I was afraid you were going to ask that Mxpro. High dopamine can cause a feeling of pleasure and relaxation but very high dopamine can cause tiredness and depression. This has been a center of debate for many years among drs and researchers. As you are probably aware many street drugs are clumped under the name 'dope' because they elevate dopamine levels and cause euphoria. The interesting thing is that a percentage of people when taking dope will develop excessively high dopamine to the point of committing suicide. I can give you another example of opposites. Most who take opioids for pain feel better after a dose. They become relaxed and less pain. But a significant number can take the same dose and become severely depressed and suicidal or at minimum withdrawn and depressed. These abnormal responses are frequently called a 'bad trip'. Some even experience extreme anxiety from a standard dose of some medications designed to relax.   One of the drugs that frequently has that effect is marijuana. Some people can not take any amount of it by inhalation or by ingestion without deep paranoia , fear and anxiety.

 

Another complication is when a drug induces elevated dopamine in most people causing euphoria it may cause excessive amounts of adrenaline, norepinephrine, serotonin, histamine, etc which completely changes the emotional states. There are literally hundreds of genetic mutations that are known to very individual responses to drugs mutations. These mutations can effect the synapses in the nerves, neurotransmitter production, neurotransmitter transporters and many other neurological variables.  

[Mxpro32]

Interesting. Marijuana has always given me anxiety. Never cared for it.

[Mxpro32]

this is day 5 of depression.  according to my app, the last time I was depressed for more than 2 days in a row was the end of july.  I think my being down is starting to get to my wife.  she told me last night that she is overwhelmed, and getting depressed.  shes not sleeping well due to the pregnancy.  I asked why shes been so distant and she said she doesn't feel like she can share her fears and struggles with me because everything stresses me out so bad and I can't handle it.  I told her thats not true, that I want and need to know whats going on with her and to be there to help her, but when she told me her stresses, it gave me major anxiety and I barely slept.  shes scared that the new baby is going to be too hard.  she said life was finally getting easy with our other 2 kids getting older.  when she shared that with me, I was flooded with regret and fear over the pregnancy.  shes worried about her job, even though shes doing great and her company loves her.  it sucks to feel like my problems are dragging her down too.  it messes up the whole dynamic.  everything just seems shitty and like its impossible to get back to normal.  

[Mxpro32]

its interesting what you said about dopamine and depression.  I've been saying for a while that my depression gets better in the evening as my concerta wears off.  I always thought that was weird since concerta increases dopamine, but maybe its giving me too much dopamine.  

[fishinghat]

This is why suicide is higher in doctors. they are extensively trained on all details of physiology and medicine so they can tell what is a deviation from "normal" and what "typically" causes such a deviation. When they actually become a doctor they soon learn that there is hundreds of exceptions to those rules. I wouldn't be a doctor for anything. 

[invalidusername]

Hat - that was a fabulous post earlier from you - and really interesting. Obviously I was reeled in when you started talking about the opioids as Kratom stimulates these very receptors, and just like any other substance, it can have a myriad of effects, just like MX and weed. My ex-partner would have a smoke before bed (also weed) to relax her, but it didn't last, and within minutes, she would be turning into her mother (hence the ex part!!). I would love to do more research into these things - even my father who has advanced stages of Parkinson's has been advised to partake of the leaf!! Far too many variables. The brain is such a subjective instrument, we will never know fully how it works. We may understand it in its present state in years to come, but it will have evolved since then into a more advanced and even more complex organ, so we will never keep up.

 

Some thing we were never meant to know and will only be known by the creator. Much like the big bang. I hope this doesn't turn into a debate, but bottom line, you can't get something from nothing, right?! We can trace it back to its atomic roots, but even that one hydrogen atom still had to materialise from somewhere!!

[invalidusername]

MX - you have been very brave to be sharing this stuff - and it looks like our paths have hit a similar divergence. My present depression is also day 5 - something I haven't had for a long long time. Sure there have been circumstances that have caused it, but I usually come out the other end sooner than this.

 

One of the first things that Hat ever said to me on this forum is that anxiety is the flip side of depression, but they are heads and tails of the same coin all the same which is why they are so easily found together. From what you say, the anxiety abating and depression increasing, may well be a balance trying its best. But the thing is to see here is that changes ARE possible. Therefore, a balance could easily occur. This shows that your brain is indeed capable of change. 

 

I have also felt the very same. Very apathetic. Don't find pleasure in things I should. Can't get my ass out of bed - so easy to just sit and look at the wall. But we all know that the longer we act this out, the more it affirms this to be the way we want our brain to carry things out. It is when we engage in something else that our body has time to heal. We step aside and let it have a breather. People call it distraction, but it isn't. It is a healing methodology.

 

When you have half hour, watch the video below. I guarantee you it will help. God Bless you David....