1191 replies to this topic

[Mxpro32]

That’s good to hear (the part where you don’t think it’s my natural state, not the one lol).  I used to have pretty bad I’ve too.  I don’t really have it any more.  I think it cleared up when I stopped cymbalta.  I went from I’ve-d to constipated for the first time in my life.  Now I’m pretty much normal.  I probably go more times a day than normal but it’s not so urgent.  I used to have really bad acid reflux too, and I would take Prilosec daily.  I started getting concerned about long term use so I stopped, and I didn’t really have it any more. It’s weird.  I used to get it so bad acid would bubble up in my throat and I’d almost puke.  I’m hoping yours clears up soon. Is it something new from cymbalta withdrawal?

[fishinghat]

Chronic IBS is usually related to stress whether it is withdrawal or from another source. 

[fishinghat]

TFL had good success with Hyoscyamine Sulphate but I am not sure I would recommend it as it is a neural stimulant.  There is also Imodium AD and Dicyclomine as well. Have you tried those?

[invalidusername]

Maybe she logs off and says "what a bunch of crap!' but at least to my face she seems extremely sympathetic and validating. 

 

LOL - really needed that after the day I've had!! 

 

   

[invalidusername]

@MX

 

It is often the mental health that stresses most people out - but it is when we focus on that rather than what is causing it, that we have the problem and it continues. Mental health is the result, not the cause.

 

But it is so difficult to focus on it any other way, and I am exactly the same.

 

I am forever saying to my therapist that I am tired of have these ups and downs. I get through 10-14 days which are "normal" and then I crash for 3-5 days. So I too am finding things difficult, but the crashes aren't nearly as bad as they were. There might be one day in those 3-5 where I really feel immobile and can't be bothered, or feel able to, get out of bed. 

 

But my therapist is always reminding me that anyone in my situation would be the same. I have full time work, part-time research AND I am more-or-less my wife's full time carer as she doesn't work or go out at all. 

 

You fix this situation, my "mental health" goes away.

 

Just think in this context about how much is going on and you will find it similar no doubt.

 

@FROG

 

I can completely relate to your situational anxiety - the way you describe things is just how I would put it. I too would love to drive out to some nice heritage place - a castle or stately home, just like I used to. Some days I would be fine to do that, but there is no one to go with me - no chance the wife would go - no way! So, I would feel a bit vulnerable like you say. Plus if there was an issue while I was that far away... yeah, now I am getting anxious thinking about it.

 

The bit about watching people on TV as well. You think.. "I used to do that... I don't any more... yeah my life is sh*t." And so it goes... That will be in my not so good days. But I really want to get over these last hurdles to get back to doing the above. I have a friend flying in at Christmas and I want to go and collect her from the airport, show the sights and so forth - but if that is the first time I am doing that stuff, I am going to be chowing down on Valium like candy

[frog]

@IUN it really sounds like you just frequently suffer from burnout and I'm really sorry to hear it. I can't really imagine not getting burnt out after this kind of exhausting experience. As for the part about getting around town, sorry to trigger you lol! And that thinking is definitely worse on the bad days for sure, although even on the good days it's still there, just not as prominent. I wonder if I too might just need some 'help' at some point from some kind of medication to get over some of these humps if you will. Like exposure therapy kind of. I feel like I've built up in my head all these ways that this thing could go wrong so now I'm super anxious about it, but if I can do it like 20 times without having any issues maybe I can reinforce the idea that there's nothing to worry about. Ideally though I would just figure out how to break down the thoughts in my head first instead and not get meds involved. That's really exciting that your friend is coming to visit! I honestly believe that you can do all these things that you're wanting to do. You already do a lot so clearly you're capable, it's just a mental block you have to try to work through! I really wish we could have a visitor here, that would really cheer me up. But with COVID it's just not happening

 

@FH, I've been doing half an imodium daily for a few weeks now along with Citrucel fiber supplement twice a day. The half an imodium by itself is insufficient, but in the past when I've done one full cap it sometimes backs me up for a few days. It's been difficult finding a balance. The fiber has helped a lot I just have to make sure I'm drinking a lot of water, otherwise same problem. 

 

@Mxpro that's awesome that things have improved for you since Cymbalta. I was effectively constipated on Cymbalta. Plenty of days where I didn't go at all and when I did it was like painful little rocks. Awful. I was also not drinking nearly enough water at the time so that didn't help. I probably should have sought some help for that but since it wasn't actively decreasing my quality of life I guess I just rolled with it. And since I've gotten off it's insane it just completely swung 180 degree in the opposite direction. Anytime I eat it's basically like my colon just goes bananas. Since I am a human who eats often, it's obviously a problem. It's honestly kind of turned me off of food, which is really sad because I love food!

[invalidusername]

Thanks Frog...

 

Things would be alright if I didn't have so much on. Ive crashed again today. Day 9... not too bad, but I just cannot hold the responsibility that I am under with the wife. I keep having to reminder her to take her pills, shes taking valium like there will be no tomorrow, she has given up simple chores that used to help me such as washing up and cooking. I get exhausted from it all. My head never gets time out.

 

The one thing she does, is always makes the tea. But then we woke this morning and she told me we were out. The one thing I need in my morning routine is a cuppa. Just something else that I cannot take. 

 

So today has largely been in bed as it has been exhaustion combined with periods of shaking. Not nice at all. Just hope it passes soon..  

[frog]

I can only imagine how exhausting being a caretaker can be. I'm sure you've already tried many many things to improve things and I'm sorry that they haven't worked :/

 

Rest is good and important.

 

I feel like with this shutdown I should be nothing but rested but I am not at all. I wake up every day feeling exhausted. 

[Mxpro32]

The lower I’m getting on my klonopin the more persistent my anxiety and insomnia are.  I’m really hoping I can get off of the klonopin without persistent insomnia and anxiety.  I tried falling asleep without the trazodone, thinking I could take when I woke up 4-5 hours later, but I laid there til 1:00 and finally took it. Then I woke up at 6.  I laid there for a few hours until the anxiety subsided and finally got a little more intermittent sleep.  

[fishinghat]

Don't be in a hurry Mx. Just stay at that dose until you recover.

[Mxpro32]

Fh what Do you know about magnesium l-threonate?  I was reading studies that said it crosses the blood brain barrier and helps to extinguish fear responses and anxiety.  https://www.ncbi.nlm...les/PMC3668337/

[fishinghat]

There certainly is an increasing amount of evidence that it carries the magnesium across the blood brain membrane where it significantly increase synapse formation. Much interest in using it to treat Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other degradation of the brain. It should be noted that this is a synthetic compound and little effort has been put into studying its side effects and no studies on long term use. 

 

However excessive use within a short duration may cause a headache, drowsiness and uncomfortable bowel movements and  diarrhea. Anyone taking a kidney or heart-related medications should also avoid mixing it with magnesium l-threonate,
In combination with caffeine it can charge physical and mental performance but when depended on it, can cause the body to withdraw to fatigue, irritability, and poorer overall cognitive performance if they are not continually administered which is the reason why some people have severe mood swings or lack the motivation to perform physical activities while on magnesium l-threonate.

 

It was only synthesized in 2010 and should be approached with caution.

[invalidusername]

Yes Frog - I have the same thing - rested is anticipated, but exhaustion prevails, and it is because I am at home more than usual that my care-giving duties are much more. Prior to the shutdown, I at least got some time out - even if it was working! My chart says it all.

 

The worrying issue is that I was just like this before my last episode started, but then I made the genius decision of coming off my Citalopram - so I won't be making that mistake again!

 

I keep at my therapist about this and she is repeatedly telling me that it will not get any better until the wife improves. You are right - I have tried soooooo many things to no avail. Part of me would like to try an experiment of living somewhere else for a couple of weeks just to prove the fact that it is these duties that are causing this stress. I was able to do some work from home today and I didn't get worked up - so it is not that stress...

 

Oh man, this sucks.... *sigh*

 

EDIT - Wow that was my 5000th post!! Should have made it a bit more lively

[Mxpro32]

my anxiety hasn't been bad the last few days, but it just turned to depression.  I've actually slept decent the last few nights as well, but now I'm more tired than when I wasn't sleeping.  I swear it feels like I get to choose between anxiety or depression.  I guess its time to drop my klonopin dose again sine the anxiety has subsided, but I wanted to get a few nights sleep in first.  the depression is bad enough, I'm ready to choose anxiety again though.  I've been telling my family and counselor how the last 4 years of my life I've been checked out and it feels like I missed it.  like 4 years ago I was optimistic and having genuine emotions and enjoying my life and kids.  really living.  so I asked my psychiatrist how long I've been on cymbalta and he said 4 years.  I don't think its a coincidence.  before that I was on pristiq, and apparently it was working because I remember being happy.  it makes me sad thinking about the years with my kids that I was checked out and didn't even know it.  I just knew I didn't really feel alive.  its strange now too, that my memories from that period don't even feel like they are mine.  4 years ago and before, they are my memories and they are mostly happy.  I feel disconnected from the memories I've made since then.  it doesn't feel like its possible my kids are almost 5 and 7.  it bums me out thinking that I've missed out on 10 months and counting of their life dealing with this withdrawal crap.  I'm sure its the depression talking, but it would be nice if the depression could lift once in a while so I could enjoy my life.  sometimes I wonder if this is just who I am when I'm not on meds.  I really don't want to go back on meds, but if I keep feeling like this long enough I probably will.  I don't think its been long enough yet though.  

[fishinghat]

These swings between anxiety and depression are a normal part of most psych drug withdrawals. The body produces too much adrenaline, anxiety, it says 'oh shoot' and lowers the adrenaline and raises the dopamine, then it says 'oh shoot' and drops the dopamine and raises the adrenaline. A vicious cycle that will slowly stabilize.

[Mxpro32]

thats good to hear.  I'm getting demoralized.  it feels like I'm not making progress, maybe even getting worse.  I guess coming off the klonopin probably has something to do with it.  

[fishinghat]

Exactly

[frog]

My therapist recommended that when I have a good day, as in less anxiety, feeling more capable and more optimistic about the future, to write a letter or make a video to myself to watch when I'm in the hole again. Because no matter what anyone else tries to tell you about your progress or ability, you're unlikely to truly believe anyone but yourself. I felt pretty good this weekend and I made myself a video. I'm cringing at the thought of watching it because I'm pretty sure I just rambled, but maybe when I feel hopeless again watching it will stir some kind of good memory. I don't know if you've had many good days lately, but maybe when you have one you can try making a video to yourself too? 

[Mxpro32]

My therapist recommended that when I have a good day, as in less anxiety, feeling more capable and more optimistic about the future, to write a letter or make a video to myself to watch when I'm in the hole again. Because no matter what anyone else tries to tell you about your progress or ability, you're unlikely to truly believe anyone but yourself. I felt pretty good this weekend and I made myself a video. I'm cringing at the thought of watching it because I'm pretty sure I just rambled, but maybe when I feel hopeless again watching it will stir some kind of good memory. I don't know if you've had many good days lately, but maybe when you have one you can try making a video to yourself too? 

I could do that, but I would have to have a good day first.  I'm either anxious or depressed lately.  

[Mxpro32]

last night I had a few hours of feeling calm and normal.  it was nice so I didn't want to go to sleep so I was up until 2.  mundane life sounded rewarding.  I was thinking of little things that would bring me joy like gardening, etc.  I felt at peace.  no racing mind, depression, anxiety, overwhelming emotions.  it was nice.  then I slept 5 hours and woke up anxious.  now today, I feel overwhelming emotion.   I feel kinda panicked and irritable.  i'm trying not to snap at my kids.  I've been avoiding the news, social media, and anything coronavirus related to see if it helps with my anxiety and outlook.  I figure it may be kind of hard to not be anxious and depressed when I'm feeding my brain nothing but stressful depressing input.  I think the lack of stressful stimuli has left an uncomfortable void like I'm left alone with my powerful emotions and discomfort.  those things were a distraction from all of these uncomfortable feelings.  I'm guessing maybe its a good thing to sit and be uncomfortable without running for a distraction.  thats assuming there is anything I can work on internally that will help my situation other than just waiting for the withdrawal mess to be over.  I'd like to think I have at least some control to get better.  

[frog]

Feeling optimistic and at peace is promising I think. I do think you have some control over it though and I also believe it's important to keep exploring sources of your stress and anxiety. I believe the worst of the withdrawal is past us. But we still have an amplified response to stress and anxiety, so it's necessary to do the work to begin addressing the root of it rather than simply chalking it all up to withdrawal. For me it's been helpful to start to use my talk therapy sessions to actually start to identify and work on my anxious tendencies (instead of just using it as an hourly place to cry about how horrible I feel and how I'll never get better like I was doing for many months. so maybe that in itself is progress). I've recently become more aware of the fact that I've always had pretty strong anticipatory anxiety. I always think 10 steps ahead of the present moment and live out in my head whatever bad thing I expect to happen. Needless to say I have often talked myself out of doing things or going places because I convinced myself that these situations would likely lead to some sort of grand embarassment (I think that's roughly what my anxiety is about). Now on top of my generic anxiety, I'm also dealing with some real trauma from the withdrawal and also the IBS problems I've had. Sometimes if I even see people on TV riding their bikes around town, I get flooded with thoughts and memories of close calls I've had with the IBS and I get overwhelmed with anxiety. All without even leaving the house! This is what I feel like has largely been keeping me in a state of dread and tension and stress. Well that and my job. I can feel myself sitting so tensely at my computer all day long, but I'm not too sure what I can really do about it. 

[Mxpro32]

my counseling seems to be helpful at times.  I'll feel like I really made some progress, but then my emotions, anxiety and depression just spiral out of control for no apparent reason.  this is my 4th day being pretty dang depressed.  looking back at my daily mood tracker app, this is the longest stretch of being depressed I've had in months.  the last time I reported 2 depressed days in a row was may 19.  I feel awful.  I wake up after 4-5 hours so depressed and antsy I am just begging to go back to sleep but I can't.  this depression isn't quite as bad as the blanket of death I had early in withdrawal, but its pretty bad.  also, I've been constipated, which is what happen early in my withdrawals when I got really depressed.  Ive never been constipated in my life before this.  I'm sleeping 4-5 hours a night and it feels like it, whereas before I wouldn't feel really tired even though I wasn't sleeping well.  my head feels really funny too.  i'm kinda dizzy and almost feel like I'm going to have brain zaps again.  I've been really limiting the stressful input, but so far I feel terrible.  the news, social media, etc. were a big distraction from my discomfort, so I'm not sure if that void is what is leaving me depressed.  I still think those things are like an addiction for me that isn't good in the long term though.  I feel like I'd rather be anxious again than depressed, so I'm tempted to drop more on my klonopin.  I can't believe how depressed I am and how long its lasting.  I guess the good news is this last dose drop didn't make me anxious, although I'd take that over how I feel now, especially since I'm not sleeping anyway.  usually when the anxiety from a dose drop subsides I would sleep a little better.  I'm hanging in there, and I'm trying not to make too much of this, which is hard since it feels like a major backslide to how I felt in the early days.  

[Mxpro32]

well I actually slept decent last night, and I feel significantly better today.  still depressed, but not so heavy like the last 4 days.  not sure if the insomnia causes the depression, or the depression causes the insomnia, but I typically feel less depressed when I sleep decent.  thank god I'm feeling better today, cause its been pretty awful.  its so weird to still be controlled so heavily by the withdrawals.  my brain and mood seem to be jerked all over the place without much I can do about it.  

 

fh.  do you think the klonopin withdrawal is getting worse as I get to the really low doses?  

[fishinghat]

It is just like Cymbalta withdrawal, the lower you go the more sensitive you get to changes

[Mxpro32]

I'm at 50 ml which is .1mg. I'm thinking of dropping 1 ml a day instead of dropping in chunks.

[fishinghat]

I think that is wise. 

[Mxpro32]

dang it. I only slept 5 hours again last night and my depression has been getting heavier as the day goes on. I had 2 decent nights sleep and 2 decent days, now I had a crap night sleep and another depressed day. this has been the worst week of depression I've had in months. its awful. I feel really anxious and really depressed. just agitated and my soul hurts. I feel like crying. I feel this sense of impending doom like I'm going to be screwed one way or another. I feel like the world sucks and always will. this week has been terrible. I wish I knew why this depression has come roaring back. I've been dealing with anxiety from the klonopin withdrawal, but depression was mainly behind me.

[fishinghat]

I  understand how you feel. Benzo withdrawal is associated with heavy anxiety (Oh yea) but not so much with  depression. I don't know what is going on. 

[Mxpro32]

Could it still be the cymbalta withdrawal? I've been off for 10 months

[fishinghat]

Possible but unlikely it would be this intense. Do you still feel like you are improving overall?