Mxpro I totally hear you. A lot of what you're saying describes how I feel to a T. I think the initial discontinuation hell was so traumatic and the recovery SO long and drawn out that it's feeling a lot of self-doubt about who I was before this. I've been going through periods of time where I feel somewhat at peace with the shutdown, followed by periods of time where I'm depressed, hopeless and apathetic. I've asked myself if I was going through this shutdown as the me from a year ago, before the discontinuation problems, would I still be struggling mentally/emotionally like this or would I be coping better. And honestly I have no idea!! None. At all. Except that I would probably be drinking more frequently. (not in a depressive way, but I used to love a few cocktails or beers to unwind) I think it's certainly possible I would be just as stressed out, uncertain and unhappy right now. I think I'm so in the habit of assuming everything that's emotionally difficult or unpleasant is being amplified by my brain's healing (and maybe it is? but maybe it's not?) that I'm ignoring the possibility that this could just be the normal emotional ups and downs of life.
I know a lot of perfectly healthy people who are struggling with sleep recently, possibly for the first time ever. So I really wouldn't rule out COVID as the source of some of the things you're re-experiencing. Before it was stress induced by medication withdrawal, now it's stress induced by this huge unprecedented and uncertain thing we're all dealing with. The causes are different but the symptoms will manifest the same way. I think at the end of the day that's all that all of this is. Stress. But initially the stress was created internally by our own bodies and brains as they adjusted, now the stress is coming from outside factors.
As far as the exposure therapy, I can relate to this too. I know it's usually about phobias like FH said, but I know what you're referring to. I think it's a delicate balance. When I was feeling a bit stronger but still kind of shitty (and the world was still open) I used it occasionally as a means to track my own progress. Pretty much everything that wasn't going to the office and being at home made me anxious because I was scared about having a panic attack or suddenly feeling super incapacitated in an environment that was unfamiliar. So when I was able to do something and get through it, it was a victory! Now I'm finding that I'm unable to test myself in those ways before because everything is closed and since I haven't done it in so long I've lost some of the confidence I had rebuild, which is a bummer.
HOWEVER! Every month I feel like I'm also feeling stronger and stronger and approaching the point where I'm not questioning my ability as much anymore. I just know that I will probably be able to do it even if I can't test it out right now.
This is all to say that I think it's ok to push yourself a little bit here and there, put yourself to the test here and there to give yourself some victories to rebuild and boost your confidence. But if you're really feeling super anxious about something I don't think you need to dive headfirst into that thing and overwhelm yourself. That'll probably backfire. You'll know when you're strong enough to do that again.
Is there a small work project you can take on that you feel pretty comfortable with? Maybe take on a really small portion of your previous work duties that feels achievable? And then build from there? Or even something around the house that took a backseat while you were feeling really bad but you can probably start up again? For me I knew I was feeling better when I started jumping in and doing a lot more of the chores around the house. It doesn't have to be all or nothing! Find some things you can accomplish and give yourself some wins. You deserve some wins!
) and that makes me sad, but I'm gonna figure it out just like I know you'll figure out everything you're dealing with!
