1191 replies to this topic

[TryinginFL]

Is it not strange how we all react differently ...

 

Several others and I drank like fish during withdrawal - and Magnesium gave me horrible diarrhea so never take it any more!

 

 

Wishing you all the best and keep all of you in my prayers at all times

 

Liz

[Mxpro32]

Well, our dog passed today. My wife and kids and I were with her as she passed. She went on her own pretty quickly. We're all pretty heartbroken. This dog was like our first kid. My 4 year old daughter won't stop crying. My uncle passed away Friday of cancer. This has been a pretty rough time.

[fishinghat]

My sympathies. Take a deep breath and hold your family close.

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

My goodness. Bless you.

 

My thoughts go with you at this time. 

 

Remember they haven't gone, they have just traded time for eternity.

[frog]

So sorry about your losses Mxpro

Both tough enough on their own without the added complications of the current situation.

 

Tiny silver lining maybe: you are hopefully in a much better place to cope and deal with this than you would have been say... a few months ago. 

[Mxpro32]

Yeah, maybe. I'm pretty depressed today though. I'm getting pretty tired of not feeling any positive emotions. The only emotion I feel lately is sadness, and if I'm not sad I don't feel anything. I'm having the hardest time finding any motivation to do anything. I've been working on not being anxious and stressing all the time. I've actually been pretty successful, but now I'm left with this void where the anxiety and externally focused stress used to be. There's no positive emotions or aspirations to take its place. I'm not sure how much of it is still cymbalta, or the Klonopin, or just life circumstances. I'm sure the deaths amplified the negative emotions I was already feeling. It sucks.

[frog]

I think anything's possible (as far as it being caused by a medication), but I think even if Cymbalta withdrawal isn't directly responsible for you feeling down, I think we're still sensitive. Meaning if you have some depression it's going to be amplified, or if you have some situational anxiety it's going to be amplified. And there's plenty to be depressed and anxious about right now even if you didn't have your own circumstances piled on top of it right now. 

 

Weeks ago I complained to my therapist about something similar where I was feeling so apathetic about everything and this feeling like I was incapable of getting excited about anything. She recommended to try to be more conscious about little moments that did give me some positive emotions. As little as going outside and feeling good when the sun hits your face and warms you up, or seeing a nice flower on a walk, or watching kids run around. It did make me realize that I wasn't sad ALL the time like I thought. Maybe something like that can help you too to redirect your attention to the things that DO make you happy instead of focusing on what doesn't. I'm certain if you look for them you will find these things!

[invalidusername]

MX, you describe what LDN and I refer to as being "flat". Neither one nor the other. No enthusiasm, no drive, but not at a place that you are having terrible thoughts. It is sort of like a holding ground, but it can be a good place because it means that things are changing upstairs... and that means that things will return to what they should be. I have seen enough on the forum to say it is most like the Cym.

 

Frog is for sure on the right track, but when it is chemicals, it can be difficult. You can influence those levels to a point, but just to play devil's advocate, the meds residue will still fight again you. The point is to not let it get to you insomuch that it pulls you back down. You need to "fake it til you make it" as I have said recently to LDN. You need to do all you can to stave off what the meds have done and engage as best you can to get the right chemistry and give it a leg up...

[Mxpro32]

Yesterday was worse than flat, and today was pretty awful.  The most depressed I’ve been in a long time. Everything feels pointless and I can’t shake the thoughts of death, no doubt caused by my uncle and my dog dying.  I may be pushing my emotions down because I’m tired of being sad and crying, and denying my sadness tends to make me depressed.  I just can’t believe how sad I am and how much I’m crying over losing my dog.  It’s overwhelming.  I guess this is the down side to having real, powerful emotions.  When I was on Cymbalta there is no way I could feel emotion this strong.  I didn’t have this depth of pain when my mom and brother died two weeks apart.  I’d like to think this capacity to feel strong emotions will apply to the positive emotions again at some point.  Hopefully soon, cause this sucks.

[fishinghat]

Mxpro, do you take melatonin on a regular basis?

[invalidusername]

This sure is the wrong time for sad news as your emotions will be amplified for sure. Whether that is sadness, irritability, anger... they all get out of kilter courtesy of the brain realigning itself.

 

Once your brain is through cataloging all the emotions it will stabalise. But these are the times when it cannot be sure how much of which given chemicals are required for any given situation.

[Mxpro32]

Mxpro, do you take melatonin on a regular basis?

No. I haven't needed to. I've actually been sleeping pretty good. I'm taking 50mg trazadone

[Mxpro32]

This sure is the wrong time for sad news as your emotions will be amplified for sure. Whether that is sadness, irritability, anger... they all get out of kilter courtesy of the brain realigning itself.

 

Once your brain is through cataloging all the emotions it will stabalise. But these are the times when it cannot be sure how much of which given chemicals are required for any given situation.

For some reason during this pandemonium, I have forgotten that my brain is still healing.  Ive only been off completely for 7 months.  I guess it’s pretty normal for me to still be having emotional issues?  I’ve been trying really hard to not feel bad and not feel depressed, instead of practicing acceptance of however I feel.  I haven’t been meditating either, which I think really helps. I meditated yesterday and it was a good reminder to breathe, be in the moment, and accept without judging.  I feel much better today.

[Mxpro32]

I just checked my pill container, and I forgot to put my nac in there and I haven’t taken the morning dose in 3 days. I wonder if that’s why I got so depressed?  That’s the most depressed I’ve been in a while.

[invalidusername]

Glad to hear the improvement, and yes, meditation is so useful, if not for the breathing, but as you say, it brings your thoughts back in check. Hat is the one for NAC, so better to answer that one...

 

Hope the improvement continues for you...

[fishinghat]

NAC may have added to the situation but it does not strongly effect depressive symptoms.

[Mxpro32]

It seems like it helps most with my rumination and compulsive thoughts, which I'm prone to. And those tend to lead me to depression

[frog]

Let us know if you're feeling any better since adding NAC back in. I bet it would be helpful for future members

 

This shutdown has also been no good for ruminations in general. I think it's so easy to get hung up on anxious thoughts about the future when none of us know what the future looks like at all while we're stuck in this holding pattern. The Bay Area just announced they're extending the stay home order through May

[invalidusername]

We're on week 6 over here, and Borris has just said he doesn't want to lift social distancing for a "while"....

 

Of course none of the cabinet ministers are under these rules so they have no idea what it is like. I think we should lock them all up in a room together and see how they like it while we run the country

[Mxpro32]

I’m back to feeling flat to slightly depressed, which is my new normal apparently.  I’m trying to remind myself that it’s possible my brain is still adjusting from the Cymbalta, and not get to upset about feeling blah and slightly depressed all the time.  I got a taste of what normal could feel like so it’s frustrating not seeing that again for so long.  Hopefully it will help to be off the Klonopin.  I’m down to .3 mg now.  It seems like the dose drops are getting easier as I go.  I just have zero motivation to do anything. Not even tinkering and building things which is what I love.  It takes will power to do everything and I get almost no satisfaction from anything.  It sucks.  But I try to remember how awful I used to feel, and I’m sleeping now which feels like a miracle.  

 

as far as Covid, The more I see these antibody results come in showing how much more widespread this thing is and that the real death rate is closer to .1 percent, the less patient I’m getting.  It drives me crazy that the tone and discussion from the experts has not changed at all from when they were predicting 2-4 million deaths in the US.  It’s like they refuse to acknowledge it’s nowhere near as bad as they thought it would be.  In California, we have 40 million people and 1700 deaths.  Multiple antibody tests are showing that 4-6% of people have already had it here.  It’s driving me nuts. I’m also not sure I’d be any happier if this wasn’t happening.  I’m trying to enjoy having my kids home.  I would say my wife too, but she’s working longer hours from home than she did before.  

[Mxpro32]

We're on week 6 over here, and Borris has just said he doesn't want to lift social distancing for a "while"....

 

Of course none of the cabinet ministers are under these rules so they have no idea what it is like. I think we should lock them all up in a room together and see how they like it while we run the country

Dr Fauci, our head epidemiologist, said we should never go back to shaking hands, and that it’s possible we will never go back to pre Coronavirus normal.  They are talking about social distancing through the summer and maybe not going back to school in the fall.  Meanwhile hospitals are struggling because they are so empty.  We were told to stop working and stay home to “flatten the curve” so hospitals wouldn’t be overrun. Well they actually have the opposite problem, yet here we are still in lockdown, and no one in power has bothered telling us what the strategy is.  Everyone seems to think if we just hunker down a little longer it will go away.  That’s nonsense.  

[invalidusername]

I'm right with you on that one MX. Our hospitals, for the most part, are also empty. It is only in the major metropolitan areas that they have the odd issue. They went ahead and built these "emergency" hospitals in major landmarks, and they haven't damn well been used!! What a waste of resources! They turn a stadium into a massive hospital at enormous expense, yet there are still NHS workers on the front line without the correct PPE.

[frog]

Agreed with you both. I do think social distancing should remain in place in some form until there's a vaccine. We've seen places like South Korea or Japan that thought they were out of the woods and eased up a lot and seen a worse spike than the first time. This virus is clearly highly contagious. When I say social distancing I mean wearing masks in public, maintaining distance from others, lower capacity in businesses, not allowing large gatherings, which is what maybe your PM meant IUN? 

 

I certainly don't support what some states here in the US are doing when they pull back and open everything back up hastily (looking at you Georgia). But it is frustrating here in California where we've successfully kept the hospitals way under capacity, that the order has been extended for another month exactly as is with little information as to what it is we're waiting for. It would be easier to swallow this if there was a clearer directive: like say, by the end of May we expect to have X amount of tests available which we feel will be sufficient to start allowing more businesses to reopen, etc. 

 

There's also constant stories coming out about the federal government diverting supplies from hospitals to the national stockpile (which is extremely concerning) and of course an utter failure on the federal government's part on assisting with providing the supplies needed to scale up testing that we typically source from other countries. But that's a whole other can of worms... 

[Mxpro32]

well.  my wife and I have a third baby on the way.  for years we have been unable to commit to having another or commit to not.  we both always said we wanted three (weve got a 6 year old and a 4 year old).  I'm 40 and my wife is about to turn 39.  we decided to try for 6 months and if it happened great, and if not, we could move on without regrets.  the timing of the whole thing isn't great with my issues and whats going on in the world, but we decided we couldn't really wait any longer.  she took the test this morning and now we are both scared and having some regrets.  I didn't expect to feel this way.  it caught me off guard.  when I think about the baby, I cry happy tears, but I'm also feeling a lot of "oh no, what did we do".  it doesn't help, that my wife said a few days ago that she is good with just the 2.  she sounded very certain about it.  now she seems like she really wishes she wasn't pregnant.  I imagine some of the change of heart is the uncertainty of everything right now.  it sucks to feel like this at an occasion that you think will be joyous.  we just found out today, so I'm sure as we get time to get used to the idea we will be much more ok with it.  Im also sure when the baby gets here we are going to love it to pieces.  I'm really emotional today.  I feel some joy about it, and I also feel like I'm grieving.  its very confusing. 

[frog]

Lots of love to you Mxpro. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with having mixed emotions right now. It makes sense that you might have buyers remorse immediately, but as you adapt to the idea I don't think you'll be scared anymore. I would probably be shocked if you didn't feel mixed up about it at first especially given everything you've been through with Cymbalta and now all the uncertainty with covid. 

 

I've been taking that free Yale class on Coursera: The science of well being. One thing I've learned is that brains are very bad at correctly guessing how happy or unhappy we will feel when a certain thing happens. We always tend to overestimate the impact of something whether in the positive or negative direction. Our brains are also bad at having tunnel vision, that is not taking into account all the other factors and changes that will happen along the way. By the time this baby comes things will be very different than they are today both in the world and for you personally! 

[Mxpro32]

Yeah. I'm trying to remember that though it is a big deal, it's just a part of my life. We will still be a loving family doing our thing, there will just be one more little one in the mix. I could hardly fall asleep last night, and I woke up at 4 am having a panic attack. I'm wrecked with regret and guilt for feeling this way. I also think I may have dropped my Klonopin dose too fast because my anxiety is really amped up and all of my emotions are overwhelming. I'm ugly crying at every little thing. The biggest thing I'm stressed about is my internal state. I don't want to be depressed and anxious through this, so ironically, worrying about that has me depressed and anxious. Nothing has been enjoyable for a while now and it has me worried about whether I'm going to keep improving.

I've been off cymbalta 7 months now. I've tapered down to .3mg Klonopin. Do you guys thing I'm still struggling from the cymbalta, or is it the Klonopin withdrawal?

[fishinghat]

Well I am going to repost this since it disappeared earlier. This sounds like Cymbalta. Anxiety comes with both types of withdrawal but usually the crying is strictly Cymbalta. The benzo withdrawal will bring back some of the Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms. Most Studies have recommended a 2 year wait before doing a second withdrawal.

[Mxpro32]

Thanks. I did a larger dose drop cause I haven't been feeling much anxiety with each drop. I'm thinking that was a bad idea. Especially with the baby news, the 2 deaths, and the pandemic. I have the non stop anxiety in my chest and I'm crying over everything. I kinda forgot that the cymbalta could still be effecting me cause I was focused on the Klonopin. I'm hoping I don't have any protracted symptoms from the Klonopin when I'm completely off. I would have waited to come off the Klonopin but think it was making me depressed. I don't like the way it makes me feel so I really want off of it.

[Mxpro32]

This sucks. I am so anxious I can't sit still. My chest is so tight and I feel like I'm going to puke. This most likely has a lot to do with the baby news. I'm feeling a truckload of regret. I'm so scared we screwed up big. I'm mostly scared I'm going to keep feeling like this. I'm freaked out there will be something wrong with the baby and I'll really regret it. Most of all I'm ashamed to be having these feelings. I'm sure the meds issue is amplifying it all, but this feels awful and unbearable. I don't think I'm going to sleep well any time soon. I'm so scared

[fishinghat]

It will pass. This is just a relapse in the Cymbalta and the effects of benzo withdrawal. Remember that it takes the synapses up to 2 years to heal so relapses happen easily at this point. Just take it easy for a while and things will get better.