1191 replies to this topic

[Mxpro32]

Pamper yourself whenever you can. I struggle with allowing myself to take it easy or do things I enjoy without harsh self judgement. But we all need more of it. Life's not a race and things aren't as urgent as they seem. Let's slow down and try to enjoy the ride.

[frog]

Mxpro how are things going? I'm assuming you're on the up and up and enjoying the days since you've been quiet on the forum

[Lovey]

I have terrible ringing in my ears and dizziness. it is very worrisome. very tired and fighting a virus I believe. More sleep i guess. IUN, do u still have dizziness? Any tinnitus?

[invalidusername]

I no longer have either persistently, but both return under significant stress. But I can at least control this... I know when I have overdone it, and am likely to pay for it with the symptoms. My stress tolerance is still not quite as I would like it, but it is getting better.

[Mxpro32]

Mxpro how are things going? I'm assuming you're on the up and up and enjoying the days since you've been quiet on the forum

Yeah, things have been pretty good. Anxiety kinda tapered down, and my mood was decent even with the anxiety. Having a good day today. I hung out with one of my best friends whose always kinda been an asshole the other day and we got in this big argument which was ridiculous. It's pretty clear he doesn't believe what I'm going through, or at least the severity. I mentioned how people try to help when you tell them what you are going through by saying "I think everybody feels like that sometimes", or "yeah, I wake up at night too". I explained that they are trying to help, but have no idea how terrible and different it is from standard waking up at night and off moods. He said I can't say that it's worse than what they are feeling and I need to stop downplaying other people's experience. It was a pretty aggressive attack. I made the mistake of defending myself and trying to convince him how bad it really is. He mentioned that sometimes you need to just suck it up. My first mistake was talking about it in the first place with this "friend". We've been good friends for 20 years so I felt like I should be able to. A really hard part of going through this is people just don't get it. They think you are being a puss. Why is it so hard to believe your friends experience?

[Lovey]

Mxpro I am so sorry you were attacked like this. I have been there so many times with my family that I rarely ever share my physical ailments with them anymore. It is a lonely feeling but we all have each other on the forum, and for that I am so grateful. That guy is so out of line and uninformed. I am sorry you were mistreated. Glad you are having less anxiety. That is a positive:)

[Mxpro32]

Thanks. It is a lonely feeling. I don't think anyone can truly get it unless they've been through it or something similar. My 9ther friend's wife heard my story, then opened up to me about her childhood abuse and alcoholism. She's trying to get clean and is in pretty bad misery. She recognized the misery in me and opened up to me cause she could see it. She got it. Most people are clueless.

[frog]

Ugh sorry to hear that. Maybe he thinks he is being helpful by trying the tough love approach? Unfortunately I believe tough love is highly counterproductive when it comes to mental health. It only makes it worse. He may not be able to empathize with the situation himself but he can certainly just be supportive and be available. If you feel like it's important you could try explaining why his actions are hurtful, otherwise I would just avoid this "friend" until you're feeling stronger

[Mxpro32]

He wouldn't listen anyway. Really he was belittling what I'm going through. Saying it's basically the same stuff everyone deals with, and by saying otherwise I'm belittling their experience (not that I have anyone who is offended that I've belittled). I said if anyone comes to me and shares their experience, I'm nothing but supportive. When I'm sharing my struggles and they say "everybody goes through that, it's no big deal" I feel it's belittling

[frog]

It's highly dismissive. And I think everyone on this forum knows that everybody most certainly does NOT go through this. My psych nurse told me off the bat I was the worst case he had seen when it comes to AD withdrawal. I don't know what makes your friend think he's the authority on mental health but honestly he sounds like a jerk and he could really stand to take a look at himself and figure out where along the way he lost his compassion for others. If this is how he treats his friends I'd hate to see what he thinks of strangers. 

[invalidusername]

"I believe tough love is highly counterproductive when it comes to mental health."

 

There is a time and a place for it. When people are not helping themselves, then it needs to be approached constructively, but for the most part, especially those on this forum, we all have a vested interesting in getting ourselves better. 

 

But it is all part of "what you don't see". My father fell over some rubbish that one of my neighbours left in the communal area in our apparentment block the other day and when I explained about Parkinson's (that my father has) while I was having a go at him, he said that so many people have got that... and people live so much longer... as if it weren't a problem.

 

Needless to say, I didn't take this very well and told him that if he didn't sort the rubbish out that I would make sure he knew what my father feels like.

 

Rubbish was cleared later that day. Being 6'4" has its advantages

[frog]

What in the world is wrong with people? I swear people get off on being jerks. Why does it even matter how many people have a certain disease? Does that somehow make it less awful? Alzheimers is an 'invisible' disease and is quite prevalent and yet I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. 

[Mxpro32]

Also, just cause you think you've been through the same thing the other person is going through, that's no excuse for belittling and badgering. If I ever hear of another person going through this, the last thing I'm telling them is suck it up. I'd have compassion. I wasn't even looking for pity either. It was more of a "I'm feeling better now, but I can't believe how aweful this was". And "people think they are helping by telling you everybody goes through that, it's no big deal". That's the one that set him off cause he says I have no way of knowing everyone else hasnt felt what I felt, and it's belittling to them to say they haven't. Never mind that none of these people have experienced withdrawals, and none of them are personally offended. They more just couldn't believe I was struggling because on the outside I have everything so good. They needed to convince themselves I wasn't struggling that bad. Anyway, his brothers are also my best friends so I have to be around him. I'm just not sharing anything personal with him anymore.

[Mxpro32]

I've been using an app to track my moods and it's been interesting. Lately it's been 5 good days then 5 "bad". The "bad" days are nowhere near what I would have called bad days before, but are still slightly depressed or anxious (or really anxious). Yesterday was my 5th good day, and last night I had this upwelling of emotion/energy like I needed to cry but couldn't. I had poor sleep and I can feel my mood turning down. I'm starting to recognize the signs. I got some exercise and kept myself distracted so it wasn't so bad, so hopefully tomorrow is ok too

[Mxpro32]

Pretty dang depressed today. Feeling worthless and crying. My pattern said it was about time and I could feel it coming on, but it's disappointing nonetheless. It sucks

[frog]

I think tracking progress is really interesting and useful in some ways but I do also wonder if it's kind of counterproductive. Like maybe if you didn't have an expectation that things were going to decline, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. 

Either way sorry to hear. I hope the good stretch you just had was nice and as always remember that it'll be back no matter how much it feels like it won't. 

[Lovey]

Mxpro, hi I just saw your post. I had a thought: Feelings are strong but they don't always reflect the truth. I am so very sorry you are feeling this way. It does suck. You are worthy and valuable. I am fighting the urge to have a pity party for myself today. Still fighting the flu and lots of heavy thoughts at times. I'm going to phone a friend. Trying to focus on positives. We are here for you.

[Mxpro32]

I think tracking progress is really interesting and useful in some ways but I do also wonder if it's kind of counterproductive. Like maybe if you didn't have an expectation that things were going to decline, then maybe it wouldn't have happened.
Either way sorry to hear. I hope the good stretch you just had was nice and as always remember that it'll be back no matter how much it feels like it won't.

I thought that, but I didn't look at my chart til I started feeling it. The app just pops up once a day and has you pick your mood. I've slept like crap again the last 2 nights. I'm sure the argument with my friend didn't help. Thanks for the thoughts.

[frog]

When I had an argument with my husband a few weeks ago it totally sent me downward for like a week after. 

[invalidusername]

I think tracking progress is really interesting and useful in some ways but I do also wonder if it's kind of counterproductive. Like maybe if you didn't have an expectation that things were going to decline, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. 

Either way sorry to hear. I hope the good stretch you just had was nice and as always remember that it'll be back no matter how much it feels like it won't. 

 

 

I thought that, but I didn't look at my chart til I started feeling it. The app just pops up once a day and has you pick your mood. I've slept like crap again the last 2 nights. I'm sure the argument with my friend didn't help. Thanks for the thoughts.

 

I have spoken to my therapist(s) before about my charts, and both said it wasn't a good idea... initially - purely for the reason that it kept you focused on judgement of mood and would bring about black and white thinking - which it often did. But unfortunately, it was necessary if I was going to get my meds and supplements etc sorted out. Both therapists could see the logic, but since the New Year, I have not used them as the physical symptoms have more or less stabalised.

[frog]

Makes a lot of sense. I'm finding my chart less useful for sure. It's clear that things have smoothed out tremendously from the early days when every other day was a rollercoaster and the overall trend lines are at their highest/lowest and most steadiest points. But since I'm going to start weaning the other meds relatively soon I should probably keep going. 

[Mxpro32]

I have spoken to my therapist(s) before about my charts, and both said it wasn't a good idea... initially - purely for the reason that it kept you focused on judgement of mood and would bring about black and white thinking - which it often did. But unfortunately, it was necessary if I was going to get my meds and supplements etc sorted out. Both therapists could see the logic, but since the New Year, I have not used them as the physical symptoms have more or less stabalised.

Makes sense. The one I'm using has a 5 point scale, but doesn't factor in depression or anxiety. My last mood dip was mostly bad anxiety, this time I'm depressed. It does have me anticipating a bad stretch now that it's started. Not sure if that facilitates the bad mood persisting, or if I'm not really in control of the moods anyway so it prepares me for a rough patch. Again, it's confusing trying to figure out how much is in my control. I need to keep working on acceptance and trying not to ruminate. Solid strategy regardless of how much control I have. I've been ruminating on the argument pretty good, and I'm sure it's not helping.

[frog]

Mxpro, my husband helped me set mine up through Google. You basically create a custom questionnaire so you can make the questions and answers as relevant to whatever you feel is important as you want. Then you can set the link to the questionnaire as an icon on your phone so it's kind of like an app. And it'll log all your answers in a Google Sheet so you can plot them on a graph if you feel inclined or look at averages, etc. Let me know if you want any help on how to set that up

[Mxpro32]

Ugh. Night 3 of bad sleep. Woke up at 4 and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm getting discouraged by these old symptoms popping back up. I know progress isn't linear, but I've been sleeping good for a while now and now the insomnia is back and getting worse. The depression I had yesterday was the worst I've had in a while, and the anxiety before that was the worst in a while. I was having waves and windows, bit the severity was steadily getting less over time. Now old symptoms are returning and worsening. Very frustrating and discouraging. ☹️

[invalidusername]

You describe the proverbial rollercoaster my friend. Rollercoasters do this!

 

Take solace in understanding that the brain will occasionally do this and it is not a predictor of the future of your condition. 

 

I know it is SO difficult to accept whilst you are in the midst of it all. I still have the same doubts when I have an hour or two of feeling flat - let alone depressed. You are used to feeling this way and you are understandably scared and vulnerable. 

[Mxpro32]

So I'm still on course? I was expecting the ups and downs to continue for a while. I just wasn't prepared for the insomnia to return and for the intensity of the depression and anxiety to ratchet back up.

[frog]

I wonder if you also might have been more affected by that argument than you even realize. If it stressed you out, which it sounds like it did, then it would probably follow that your body would go into stress mode for a little while again instead of just the regular ups and downs. 

[Mxpro32]

I wonder if you also might have been more affected by that argument than you even realize. If it stressed you out, which it sounds like it did, then it would probably follow that your body would go into stress mode for a little while again instead of just the regular ups and downs.

Yeah, and my self image took a hit. I let it make me feel weak and worthless. This whole process makes it hard to see myself in a positive light. All the things I would like to be aren't true right now. Strong, dependable, funny, ambitious, etc.

[frog]

I can definitely relate. It's a humbling process and I feel like I've become extra nervous and extra worried and I'm concerned that I'm teaching my brain that this is who I am now, but I'm really trying to believe that there's still room for improvement with the anxiety over the next few months and the lower the anxiety goes the more I'll regain my confidence. Actually it was interesting but last week I had a moment where I noticed my old anxiety thought patterns peeking through, as opposed to the fight or flight, super primal type of anxiety I've been experiencing. It was kind of wild to be like oh.. I guess that's still underneath there huh? I'm now trying to talk this through with my therapist and work on reshaping these thought patterns so I don't fall into old grooves. 

 

Anyway I don't know about the other stuff because I don't know you personally of course, but I don't think you're weak at all. You're continuing to fight this withdrawal and this is a process that breaks a lot of people. You haven't gone back on any ADs and even though you feel bad you're continuing to hang in there. Doesn't sound weak at all to me. 

[fishinghat]

I relate as well. I remember that I was sensative to relapses even after nearly a year off. They would last 3 or 4 days even after that late stage.