2784 replies to this topic

[Axlejames]

I feel so so alone i ll confess ive resorted to talking to women i find online i feel so guilty but my soon to be ex told me to go for it that i deserve to be happy i feel trapped tho like i am not fully divorced yet i am basically seperated and living together for now. I am so so broken hearted and am flailing in the wind here part of me wants to check into a mental health facility for my safety part of me wants to be strong and fight through all this. I just dont know anything anymore i am both anxious and depressed feel strong at times other i feel weak and powerless i have no one really to turn to because no one i know has gone through this i have sought out a support group on facebook and have had no answer i read that i need to detach my emotions from her and I am trying to I am so so lost 

[invalidusername]

My dear brother...

 

Please accept my sincere apologies as I have been away for a while. Reasons for that can wait. I should be here for you. God bless you Hat for "taking the reigns". And AJ, if anyone understands stress and anxiety of the highest order, it is Hat. What he has been through inspires me all the time - along with yourself and LDN... and by no means least, our dear Gail.

 

I won't lie to you, this situation is going to be so tough and time is the only healer. You should not in any way feel bad for what you feel or what you are thinking. Sometimes I really wonder why I chose the path that I did for this life, just as I am sure you are as you read this. I feel so much for you, and please please talk to me as I have also had "home issues" shall we say, so you are NOT alone. I just wish I was here a few days ago.

 

Every morning is a lottery. You wake up and immediately your thoughts go directly to your problems. You wake earlier in the night - game over, you won't be getting back to sleep. Your mind is all over the place. You make it through the night, but you simply cannot get out of bed - what is the point in that any more? You try to pick yourself up in the evening, but you know it is going to play out all over again tomorrow. Any of this sound familiar?

 

I have had to get a personal Facebook account to run my business. I do not give that out to anyone and I am under a different name, so maybe I could give you this info and I can join your group or we can chat and get ourselves through this...

 

Take care - you are strong and you have a lot to give in this life.

 

Much love,

 

IUN

[Axlejames]

My dear brother...

 

Please accept my sincere apologies as I have been away for a while. Reasons for that can wait. I should be here for you. God bless you Hat for "taking the reigns". And AJ, if anyone understands stress and anxiety of the highest order, it is Hat. What he has been through inspires me all the time - along with yourself and LDN... and by no means least, our dear Gail.

 

I won't lie to you, this situation is going to be so tough and time is the only healer. You should not in any way feel bad for what you feel or what you are thinking. Sometimes I really wonder why I chose the path that I did for this life, just as I am sure you are as you read this. I feel so much for you, and please please talk to me as I have also had "home issues" shall we say, so you are NOT alone. I just wish I was here a few days ago.

 

Every morning is a lottery. You wake up and immediately your thoughts go directly to your problems. You wake earlier in the night - game over, you won't be getting back to sleep. Your mind is all over the place. You make it through the night, but you simply cannot get out of bed - what is the point in that any more? You try to pick yourself up in the evening, but you know it is going to play out all over again tomorrow. Any of this sound familiar?

 

I have had to get a personal Facebook account to run my business. I do not give that out to anyone and I am under a different name, so maybe I could give you this info and I can join your group or we can chat and get ourselves through this...

 

Take care - you are strong and you have a lot to give in this life.

 

Much love,

 

IUN

Thank you brother and you are spot on I get up in the morning and its the same problems from the night before. I feel this deep deep sorrow as if someone has ripped a hole in my soul that cannot be filled like a sucking chest wound. I am lost beyond all measure and struggling I try my best to look at the positive that at least it happened now not another 5 10 15 years from now. I try to stuff my emotions for her down and they just rise up even stronger. I love you my dear brothers I am sorry if you are going through similar to this too I do not wish this for anyone. I was reading a book last night by a favorite speaker Jock Willink in this book he speaks of lost love and how we need to open our eyes and realize this person just was not who they claimed to be in our lives and need to let that go and not try and fix anything .... i am a fixer it has been what ive done my whole life so how do i not. I appreciate you coming here and responding my friends as I need you more than I have ever needed you before even when I was over anxious and going through all the pain that anxiety causes this is by far worse. It is a form of torture I am sure. 

[invalidusername]

I'll be back shortly this evening AJ. Got a few bits to do, but we need to be in more regular contact. We'll get this sorted, ok?

 

Hold tight. 

[invalidusername]

As promised... sent you a PM....

 

Look forward to hearing from you

[Axlejames]

i have been updating else where but I want to keep my updates here going as well. It has been 3 months off Sertraline having better mental health days considering the stress of the divorce. I still have my bad days and sad days. Suicicdal ideation comes and goes and I am managing that Ok as well. I am lost in life right now in the bible they talk about being in the wilderness that is how I feel not sure on how to move on or when or anything else. My care team talks about me going back on meds to help me get through this but I am doing all I can to avoid this it was really difficult this round coming off the meds dont want to do that again. Got papers in the mail saying our divorce has been assigned a Judge that hit me harder than I though it would. My wife still comes around the house to visit the kids she wants to remain friends and I comply because I just want her in my life still its un healthy but I dont know how to break the bond. I am so so lonely it is horrible at times I find myself trying to find ways to better myself tho. One thing I have been working on is my death anxiety I bought a CBT book to help it helps a little at least for me to understand why i feel the way I do going to try and work on conquering this. I realize its ok to be afraid of death thats normal its not normal for me to wait around for it to happen and not live. 

[fishinghat]

I have seen this kind of post so many times AJ. Considering it has only been 3 months and all the stress you have experienced you are doing remarkable well. By the end of three more months things will be even better but you already know that. Just hang in there AJ.

 

God bless.

[Axlejames]

I have seen this kind of post so many times AJ. Considering it has only been 3 months and all the stress you have experienced you are doing remarkable well. By the end of three more months things will be even better but you already know that. Just hang in there AJ.

 

God bless.

Thanks Fish 

[Axlejames]

Ended up back in acute unit in the VA for a week had to reinstate Zoloft for now to help deal with the divorce. More pain than I could endure. Not happy about having to reinstate been feeling like a zombie last few days was on 25mg for a week now up to 50 where I will stay and stabalize. 

[invalidusername]

Hey AJ....

 

That is a real place of admission. So many people would hold this back - so huge congratulations for what you what done. It is amazing.

 

Please, PLEASE, give yourself some time to let the kindness and generosity of your character to come through.

 

I have know you long enough and it is it of no surprise that surprise that this is how it has turned out. Like me, you are very much an emphatic person. You are always seeking to help people to find their right way in life. But you have to realise that sometimes it is not meant to be.

 

It has been nearly 2 months since my mess up. I still cannot believe that she cannot see the reality of it all, that she cannot see the empathy that the people such as you and I so freely give. It just does not seem fair.

 

PLEASE understand that I get what you are going through AJ. It has been a long time and I just want it to pass, but the truth is that it can take some time and that is what we are here for.

 

Just keep writing. I am here, Let's keep helping each other.

 

I am here for you brother,

 

God Bless

 

IUN

[fishinghat]

Temporary set back AJ. You will be OK.

[Axlejames]

Even being back on the meds about 4 days at 50 mg I feel anxious like my body is vibrating. Hard to calm down last night my soon to be ex and I were talking and I was talking about the possibility of reconsiling down the road she said maybe in 2 years but she really wants to see whats out there has a man picked out and told me she intend to date and have sex with him. I cannot fathom why she would feel the need to say this all it did is cut me deep where the wound was trying to heal. She then threw in my face all my past transgressions things I did when i was high and drinking to mask the pain of almost being killed in Iraq. I thought I had atoned for that apprently not 12 years later. I really have no clue where to go with this anymore she tells me to give her up stop trying to reconsile but that is not in my nature when I see a problem i try to fix it. I belive it can be she just doesnt want to I cant control her and I know that too. I pray that God will somehow soften her heart for me. 

[fishinghat]

To tell you she would consider having sex with another man it pretty insensitive and callous or she is angry and trying to reach out and hurt you. You are much closer to the situation than I so you would have a better idea what is in her mind. One thing is for sure, you don't need that level of stress in your life.

 

Prayers and hugs my friend.

[invalidusername]

My God AJ!! I am shocked to my core. 

 

It is one thing to think that which your wife said, but to said it out loud to confirm what was trying to heal in your head is nothing short of absolute cruelty. 

 

I... I simply do not have the words to say. I cannot tell you what I would like to say to your wife, but it is not my place, but I am severely hurt by what she has done to my friend. Trust me, her judgement will come when she passes as she feels what she has done to you. Whilst I do not believe in a hell as such, I am absolutely positive that those of whom have caused significant trauma need to pay for what they have done before they are granted the delights of the Other Side. 

 

Don't get me wrong God loves all unconditionally, but the judge will be herself. She will have to go through YOUR feelings and will need to pay her dues for what she has done.

 

Now.. onto the difficult part as I have been here myself. If you want to have the best chance in "getting her back", you need to let her go. Be the better man. Show her what a wonderful father you are, go out enjoy yourself - post images on Facebook. But if you are begging her to stay and when she will come back, I hate to say it, but it will only drive her further away.

 

It is SO SO difficult, and it cuts like a knife. You know what has happened to me lately so you know I am offering advice that I myself am trying to take myself. 

 

I don't wish to post my "dirty laundry" online, but sometimes it is needed - and Hat, my apologies that this is the first time you have heard this news.

 

As you both now, my wife has feigned an impossibility to feel emotion, and therefore, there has been nothing between us for over FOUR years. She then told me at the start of the year that having been in contact with an author down the road, that she has had feelings for him. So she IS capable of having those feelings, but instead abused my love and empathy whilst she sits at home and lets me bring in the money, the shopping, pay the bills. 

 

Yes, I now what you are feeling AJ. 

 

But we have done nothing wrong, and I was raised to see marriage as sacred, my grandfather. How people can just cast these things away is beyond me. 

 

Talk to me brother.... and take care

[fishinghat]

Goodness gracious. I am so blessed with such a great wife. i would be in absolute fear if I had to be single again. Bad relationships (and we have all had at least one) are real hell but as IUN said "be the better man". Just do the best you can and if that is not good enough then you can hold your head up high and move on. It has been said "it is Ok to hurt". With what you are going through it is understandable. It is OK to hurt. Don't keep it bottled up inside. It will only fester and grow. 

 

Prayers for both of you.

[invalidusername]

God Bless you Hat - your words are always soothing. 

 

You at least know the reason for my silence of late, but I am always here.

 

Never let a day go by when you don't thank the Lord for your dear wife.

 

p.s. Starting an experiment with Macuna extract (aka velvet bean). Will be posting shortly with how it is going.

[Axlejames]

On 75 mg of zoloft and taking seraquil at bedtime 

[fishinghat]

Not bad.

[Axlejames]

Not bad.

Correct it could have been far worse i did get some atavan in case i have major panic episodes have not had to take that yet. All in all realizing my ex is a cruel heartless narccisitic selfish woman has helped me to see that I am better off without her she has resorted to buying the kids love and has a new bf already she has been dating the guy for 5 days and has already told our children she is off her rocker but not my problem anymore. 

[fishinghat]

Now that the shock is over it sounds like a good realist perspective is settling in. 

 

Time and patience my freind.

[invalidusername]

Narcissistic relationships are a nightmare - speaking from experience.

 

Much like mental health, you don't know until you have been there.

 

My best advice for now is look up a user on YouTube called "narcdaily". His name is Andrew and he puts a video up daily and it has really been helping me get the picture of what is going on. Narcs want nothing but things for themselves - your money, your friends, your looks, your goodness. They put you in a position so you surrender everything to them and then when they have had their share, they will move on and do the same thing to someone else.

 

Harsh, but true.

 

Remember, I am here for you to talk to when you need...

 

IUN 

[Axlejames]

Tough few days i decided to hop on a dating app just to see whats out there and came across my ex's picture she had a panic attack deleted my account and just walked away from that. I made a decision in that moment tho I am not going to date right now not even going to look for someone 1. I am still married in the Eyes of God and the law just cause we are seperated doesnt mean I can do that. 2. I believe her pushing me to date someone is to appease her guilt I am not going to do that she can live in her regrets. 3. I am obviously not over my ex it will take time to for that to happen and its not fair to add someone to the mix. and lastly 4. Just because she is dating and whatever else she is choosing to do does not dictate me and what Ill do I can choose to be the adult and try and work through this trauma. Some days are easier than others feel like the meds do take some of the edge off even tho its only been a few weeks on them. 

[invalidusername]

"i decided to hop on a dating app just to see whats out there and came across my ex's picture"

 

Bloody hell - what are the chances...?! That must have been a knife in the stomach moment - I am really sorry to hear that Chris. 

 

But you are doing the right thing - you need to give yourself space at the moment. I know the logical thing your brain is telling you is to get back on the "love wagon", but this would be a rebound and from experience, most people in your (and my) position find themselves getting screwed over because again, we take the first or second option to show interest.

 

Trust me, a man who is shown to be a good father, a veteran, deeply spiritual and good looking - you are a good catch for any girl. You need to realise that before you put yourself back on the dating scene. You DO NOT need to settle. You will know when you find that someone. Might take a few dates, but doing that right now is not going to help you, even though it might seem it will. 

 

All of your points a well made. Give it a day at a time. Both of us will find that right person... Don't forget that I have a few more years on you!!

 

But it happens - just look at Hat. He has been married a good few years and still is very much in love with his dear wife. I am so happy for them and he is an influence to me. 

 

We'll stick together and things will work out just fine.

[fishinghat]

38 years and still act like teenagers in love. lol

[invalidusername]

38 years and still act like teenagers in love. lol

 

Good for you Hat!!! 

 

I am so happy for you.....

[invalidusername]

But Hat... why did you wait until your 60's to get married?? 

 

[fishinghat]

I thought i should wait until I go through puberty first.  lol

[invalidusername]

Superb retort my friend!!

 

[Axlejames]

Well its been a few weeks and I feel like I am getting better thoughts of her dont bother me as much anymore. Heard rumors she is dating and honestly deep down i am happy for her. I have days when I miss her and my old life but i remind myself what that all comes with. Got my meds to 50 mg of Zoloft and that is helping. Sleep is still tough lately but I am sure I will get there. I actually sat in a room with her yesterday and talked for over an hour got some closure on some things and more questions on others , however not going to pursue or push. Went on a date the other night with a new lady and that went pretty great as well. Moving forward with life the best way I know how. God bless all 

[fishinghat]

You are a tough man with a good perspective AJ. You have done well.