2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Haha yeah so today my next exposure was a pop up to Scotland to see NM, I'm really stepping it up right now!! Just got back lol! No today just a day off really, walk to Tesco but didn't go in, just give myself time to breathe. Didn't feel great physically but mentally not too bad. 

 

In terms of what you say about the apathy. I had that very strongly recently, and now it seems to have lifted. But it was with me for a good while. Like you say I just didn't really care about anything, could hear that the earth had a few days left and I would just shrug. Felt it impossible to show enthusiasm or energy or excitement, just a zombie state, was really getting worried at how long it was with me. But now It's definitely lifted so I hope that gives you hope. My depression really has picked up in the last few days, after months and months of bogged down. I guess that the thing with depression it can hang around for ages but it always goes. Like you say you just have to be damn damn patient. What I will say is I found that patience to be something that the more you practice the easier it gets. But still so tough of course. 

 

Delighted the book came, I really enjoyed it and was sort of nodding the whole way through. The way he talks of Jesus is really beautiful as well. He was banned from his homeland for most of his life, just for advocating peace. Very humble and gentle. I hope it helps! 

 

I'm reading about Jesus right now and the idea of self-sacrifice. It's really liberating, just to not feel bound by conventions and norms but free yourself and look to find that inner harmony. When your faith is strong, there is nothing else to compare it to. Why search and worry for perfection in this life, when it will pale in comparison to the next life. So what I have limitations through disabilities, if I have God what more do I need? A healthy soul is so much important than a healthy body. I could be fully able bodied but if my life has no meaning other than materialistic things, I wouldn't be content and wanting something more. Through being ill I have been able to study and look within myself in ways that would just be impossible, if I was always busy. I just want to explore my mind and become closer to God, everything else in comparison seems so futile. What you said about your house burning down and not worrying was wonderful. So so few people would be as enlightened as that, it's actually really beautiful for me to have met someone like you. I mean non attachment to worldly possessions is such an advanced state of mind. It's like when Jesus said give all your money away and follow me and the rich man couldn't. Nowadays with  consumerism culture, it lovely for me to meet someone who is beyond that. 

 

It's just so cool that we met at such a point of spiritual transformation in my life. We're just on such a same wavelength, and I'm sure there is a spiritual history between us. Some would say it is amazing 'coincidence', but from my spiritual reading and our conversations it's more than that if you know what I mean? Sorry not expressing myself too well!

 

This is just a lovely, sacred place. So thank you to all on here. 

 

I hope you have a chilled weekend ahead. As always prayers to you and your wife. 

 

Love to you brother 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Wow gail so kind! Wisdom soul and Lion soul in it together! 

 

Hope all the pain is okay. 

 

Prayers and a heart of love for you !!

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hello London,

Wow again! Such an inspiring post! Always eager to read you, so many lessons that I can learn from you.

I was feeling a bit anxious as I'm going out today. I prayed to God and he sent me back to one of your posts, it calmed me. We thank you

Scratt, bravo for the meditation. I visualize, which is what I need at the moment. You two are such a delight and of good inspiration. I also need this.

As I can see, we have much in common. Like the going out that can bring anxiety. Patience, it will come. I love you both dearly, same for Notmyself, inspiring gang. What a gift you all are. Thanks for being there.

[invalidusername]

Really tired this end, so might be a reduced one from me, but I am happy to say that despite a dodgy start to the day, it has been an improvement. I even got the wife out for a 40 minute walk!! It is an exposure epidemic! Trying to stay level headed and take each day as it comes though. I get into the habit of starting to plan things that I have wanted to do for the last 18 months on days like this and end up getting disappointed when tomorrow isn't the miraculous day I was hoping for. I just need to accept what happens. What will be will be. 

 

So what do you think has caused this sudden change to your depression? You think the exposure has lifted things? I recall saying that it might well have a knock-on effect. I really hope this is the case and that you can continue this amazing therapy. I expect, like I have said above, that you will need to keep your head beneath the clouds and take it as it comes before peeling yourself off the ceiling in excitment. But it gives you a huge lift just showing that you still have the capacity to have these days. They are possible, and they occur! For those who do not suffer MH problems, this I expect would be like Christmas day and someone has just given them £1000's of pounds and a new car. For us, it is a day without depression and we can find the beauty and enjoyment in just about anything! This is living life as you have rightfully said many times before. We should pity all these healthy people

 

Oh yes, your healthy soul is far more important. No question. The book I mentioned to you a while back, Everyone's Guide to the Hereafter speaks so much about this. It is a very down to earth (if that is the right phrase!) book, and is spoken as if a friend to another friend. It emphasises the importance of not getting caught up in all the material aspect of earth dwelling. The mantra I have for myself came to me in a moment of silence a few years ago... "I seek the knowledge of love, and the love of knowledge". Very simple, but this is what I want my life to be.

 

Really hope your progress has continued - hear from you soon!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Really happy for you man! 40 MINS! ELITE! Brilliant, brilliant work. I feel you about over excitement, you get a taste of it and then suddenly want to do it all, but it's got be a steady, systematic process. It's important as well to not forget all the wisdom we learn while being ill and just go back to normal. It's a balancing act. Re-integrating but also not keeping that new us we have developed. 

 

Today wasn't great. Felt a bit low. I knew it wouldn't last the good wave, so at least I was fully expecting this. As always just ride it. Through good and bad just let it be. Let the rhythm of life just take where it wishes. Also, I had this fear today I would just suddenly lose all my spiritual knowledge, I rely on it. Today my faith wasn't as strong as usual and you sort of worry it might just go. I know lots of the great saints had doubts, but it's weird how it can suddenly come on. Last night i just suddenly felt like life had no purpose, everything futile - the horror of life hit me. This existential angst. 

 

In terms of my uplift I think definitely the exposures where huge, but I do think a lot is just brain chemistry doing it's thing. I mean it thing exposures can't cure depression, but you can't get better without them if you know what i mean. It's why I think therapy should always be a first step of mental health treatment. Try therapy and then if you still have issues then try medication. As we know medication shouldn't be used unless really necessary. I mean some might be depressed but they just need some one to listen to them or giving them some love. Anyway unfortunately it's the other way round right now, but hopefully one day things will change. If it was up to me, I would order an army of therapists!! Everybody get therapy and then lets worry about medication afterwards. Obviously, in extreme cases you might have to go straight to medication, but I'm talking more generally. But definitely the exposures make the good days, really really good days, and on the the bad days at least mean you have achieved something. It's about not letting your mood dictate and control your life, it gives you agency. 

 

I'm looking forward to getting on with some of your books recommendations after I finish the one I'm reading at the moment. Got a long list so plently to look forward to. 

 

Love that mantra that came to you! Beautiful. I guess for me all I want out of life is too spread love, that's it. Just spread love. 

 

Again really buzzing for you brother! And also so happy for your wife as well, she should be so proud. 40 mins, WOW! 

 

Love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail I'm so happy and moved that my words could help! We both lift each other up! I get so excited to see your posts because how powerful and loving they are. Every time in the day I think 'Gail', suddenly I feel strong and my heart feels warm. I honestly can feel my heart getting bigger! Your my best antidepressants I've had!! It's so beautiful, it's like your spirit is with me and saying 'all will be well LDN'! It's magical. 

 

Right now I can feel my heart growing in love. God works through us. He is saying to me 'look at Gail, look how strong she is, look how brave she is, learn from her'. So thank you special special soul! You are so beautiful! And thank you God for sending me here to meet Gail. 

 

You have so much love. So much LOVE. Thank you for filling my heart with love. 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

London,

Yes, your words of wisdom do help me and they did again today. Don't forget that I write them down, I can come back to them when a situation arrises.

To set an example, today, I had to get back to bed at least 3 times. Instead of trying to figure what was happening and getting anxious, I read LET THE RYTHM OF LIFE JUST TAKE YOU WHERE IT WISHES. No anxiety about the situation. We thank you!

The feelings you have about me are reciprocate. How strong you are London! Don't go away, I learn so much with you. Love you, Gail

[invalidusername]

Well, I hope your Sunday proved a bit better than the other musketeers! Sorry that you didn't have such a good one yesterday, but great that you could ride it through from the expectations. And what a strange thing to occur about your faith. From the way you say it, it sounds like it wasn't really "you", but a brain chemistry thing - as things often can be. Again, trust this has cleared up a bit. It is humanly natural to have doubts from time to time, so don't beat yourself up over it. A small drop in the ocean that is your otherwise relentless spiritual presence. The way you speak, it shows an almost unshakable purpose in your faith. A wonderful thing under the circumstances... but some days, we just can't explain. Hat put some lovely verses in Gail's Going Home forum which may help - he picked a good day for it! 

 

I completely agree that therapy should be the first step - without a doubt, but of course, it all comes down to money. I can't wait to have someone to talk to face to face about this. I know I have the lovely wife, but all we do it empathise with eah other. We cannot offer support in the sense of getting out of it - we just wallow in our pity. Nice to know that we are in it together, but it is a honey trap. Far from ideal. 

 

The issue I have faced all week is that I have been facing up to things, and little exposures here and there. Just got on with life and trying not to overthink things. When I have been brave enough to do this, things have got better - you feel proud that you got on with things, and achieved what you had set out. However, I have still had depression stick to me like poo to a blanket. Doesn't matter what I do, how much I achieve, it is still there when I stop. Nothing I can do offers relief. Evenings can be easier, but today, it just carried on and on. It has only just started to lift. Is a relief, but a few short hours at the end of the day is no way to live when you are struggling through 75% of your day. But one thing I tell myself, is that I will never have that same day ever again, and that it is one more day of my withdrawal. I have to expect days like this with what has gone on with my head over the past few months. 

 

I have just finished The Challenging Light, so I am starting out on my new book. I have a huge list on my Amazon account of others waiting to be bought. Such a wonderful thing to have all this knowledge and experience of other right there waiting to be grasped. I will let you know how I get on with each as I progress!

 

Trying to be quiet now so I can hear that small voice... "it's been a rough week, but take it on the chin, wait for tomorrow and try again". Like you say, we need to see the positive shine as much as it can on the negative. Tough though it is, there has always been SOMETHING positive to find. It is just how to choose to interpret this. It is herein that I must continue to learn and grow.

 

Much love to my brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man I'm really sorry to hear about today. Yeah 100% feel you on doing the exposures but not feeling any better and then sort of feeling cheated! I had that a lot but thing to remember is don't just do the exposures for the now it's for the future when your feeling better. When you're well you will go out and really enjoy it and be like 'oh I really enjoyed going out, that was great'. If you didn't do the exposures then you wouldn't really be able to tell when you are feeling well. So then you are sort in a vicious cycle, you end not even knowing if you are better or not. Also it all about those small steps. A few weeks ago I was just going out the front door, but now I'm able to do about 16 mins a day. So when I'm feeling good I can enjoy it but doing a 16 min walk. If hadn't done the exposures when I felt bad then I would be starting from scratch when I felt well and wouldn't be able to go straight to 16 mins. So your putting in the hard work now for your reward later. I hope that make some sense, my head isn't that clear today. Basically, if you keep doing the exposures once you start feeling well, you will be way ahead of where you would have been if you hadn't done them. Also I think it's the principle of sort of not letting the depression control you, detoxifying it a bit, so it may be so horrible but you still have agency despite it just making you feel awful. 

 

On the meditating make you feel mad, from what I have read and my personal experience, that is very normal. As we haven't been brought up from a young age meditating our bodies aren't used to it. So it's quite natural I think for our brain to be quite confused and this can throw up all sorts of emotions. We've been taught from a young age to always be doing something and when something bothers us we're told 'oh just forget about it'. So in meditation we're going completely against how our body and brain have been conditioned. Meditation says look at your fears not ignore them, it says be still not busy. So basically were doing something very alien to ourselves. In one of the books I read the buddhist teacher said you can meditate on your emotions, like anger, that is one of the practices. So be like 'this is anger I'm feeling, ok, I'll just let it be here and I'll just look at it'. It doesn't matter what comes up in meditation, as there is no goals. As I mentioned I think before, one of the teacher said along the lines of just meditating, just doing it, makes you a good meditator. I hope this makes some sense. I personally have felt terrified in meditation, just so scared to be doing nothing to distract myself, but ultimately the only way to conquer that terror is to face. As long as I avoid it always be there, so I'll put up with the short term pain for the long term gain of losing that fear of being alone with my mind. Talking about all this is wanting to make me do more reading on it!! It's such a huge shift from the way I was brought up, so different from my cultural environment, it's exciting. 

 

Yeah I think your definitely right about it being a chemistry thing, I was having this exact conversation with my therapist actually. I was saying how some days I have an identity crisis on my walk and have no confidence at all in myself and what I stand for. Then the next day I'll feel super confident, calm and totally at peace with the world and everything is beautiful and all my readings and knowledge I've gained I can really feel them. As I said some of the really great saints had huge doubts, like St John of the Cross and Mother Teresa. It's hard to imagine Mother Teresa having doubts considering the amazing life of poverty she lived but apparently she was riddled with them at times. I know what I felt when I read the Sermon on the Mount, I know how safe I felt when 'God is with me, I have nothing to fear'. I didn't just have the words in my head, I FELT them - in that moment i felt no fear, but pure peace. There are some moments when I suddenly feel this euphoric love of God, normally when I'm on here actually, and in those moments I understand what the saints meant when they spoke of their love of God. I don't like to push my views on others, so it's so lovely to come on here to this spiritual place and express myself. Luckily, my mum and dad are very religious so we talk so much about God and they get my faith. 

 

In terms of my day, I did quite a big challenge. Normally I always walk the same route, but today I walk a completely different route, with different streets etc. Must say was pretty scary opening my self up like that, I felt quite naked and unsafe, but I needed to not be too rigid and not get too attached to one route. Thankfully I came through it and the excitement and liberating feeling was greater than the fear. I planned it with my therapist, but obviously doing it on my own is different. Still feel proud of myself, if you don't mind me saying that. Makes me feel happy, just thinking of it now actually. Otherwise day just normal really. Got a lot on next week, so a bit nervous. 

 

About the positive mindset, absolutely agree. We only have a certain amount of energy, so are we going to channel that energy into negativity or positivity?  I try my best to positive and realise that even if know I can't see them, I'll look back later and I'll see this tough moment taught me some essential lessons. I always happens, I look back at a period that was so terrible and realise 'wow' that was actually so important for me. So remember that my friend, even if right now you can't see the positives, you'll look back at this period and with hindsight be able to see so many great lessons and truths you learned. 

 

I just want to say I think you doing amazing man and keep at it! Really inspiring to see! Your being so proactive despite such a rough time, I really hope you feel really really proud of yourself. If you were a kid, I would say you deserve an ice-cream lol!!!

 

Wishing you a good Monday my brother. As always love to you and your wife. We're in it together. 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail we have such a beautiful bond, we're on each others wavelengths. I always read your posts over and over again because they always help me so much. It the highlight of my day coming on here and when I see you've posted on my thread, it makes me SO HAPPY! I feel like a little kid going on the swing. You give me just PURE HAPPINESS! I just really really want you know how much you help me, you and the rest of the forum have changed my life!! I really mean that. So maybe in the pain you face at least know that you are making me so happy and helping me heal!

 

If you ever want any advise or anything I'M HERE FOR YOU. So you message me, PM me whatever you want. Any questions or anything just know I'm here. 

 

I really really love this forum. I thank God so much, for sending me here. It's miracle. Thank you you so much my dear Lord. This is a place of amazing beauty, it fills me with so much joy.

 

God love is too big for words, what wonder awaits us Gail!! When we are both home, I'm going to come and hug you and we can celebrate together!!

 

LET THE RYTHM OF LIFE JUST TAKE YOU WHERE IT WISHES!!

 

I love you Gail, you special special soul!!

[gail]

My friend London,

I'm repeating myself here, I know, you can't imagine how your posts help me be a calmer person. All your special phrases that are so simple to understand contrary to the Bible that gives me a hard time figuring the meaning.

You are saying the same things but in a different language. God loves you for that and so do I!

Next step is to read the sermon sur la Montagne where you really felt the love of God. What a special and magical moment it must have been for you. Count your blessing!

No going out today, no exposure! Another day to just relax and read and play cards.

London, I appreciate you beyond words, God must be so happy that you found a place to express your spiritual beliefs. Mostly to all of us who can benefit from your experience. What a beautiful gift you are for all of us, thank you and gracias, and merci my beautiful soul.
I love you, Gail

[invalidusername]

Really see what you are saying here. And for now, I would just be happy for a few glimmers. I don't want to rehash my day so close to sleep, but suffice to say, it was not a good one again. Not quite sure what is going on, but support from the forum has kept me going today, and I still went about my day as best I could. I need to do some meditation before I sleep and stop worrying about what tomorrow will bring. 

 

I like what you say about the meditation. It is facing fears, and therefore can be scary when you invite them in. But I have found at those fleeting moments when my brain has acutally settled and truly thinks of nothing, it is a liberating experience. Then inevitably the thought comes "how long can I keep this going", like you are trying to balance on one leg with your eyes shut, and then... there it is... the thoughts are back! But you keep going. I would love to be able to enter that mindset on demand. I can truly see how this would be such an asset to everyday life. 

 

And another exposure! Fantastic - well done! Your therapist is spot on - you need to mix it up. The same walk, or the same place can unfortunately give a false sense of progress. Claire Weekes speaks a lot about this in her writing. It is tough, but just because you have gone to the bank every day in one week, doesn't mean you can go to the supermarket. I fully respect that, but again like you say, you build up strength first and move on when the time is right.

 

Right, I need to clean my mind from the day, but I will leave you with some of the closing words from the last book I read. Lovely words I am sure you will agree...

 

"Man’s Spirit lives on - to the place that is reserved for it, whether it be called Heaven or by any other name. There, amidst sanity and beauty it will learn to recognise its faults, its failures, and the real understanding of truth.

 

For the Spirit of man is indestructible.

 

The Spirit of the Creator works in us and through us, and throughout our entire thought life. It has been well said that ‘what we think, we are.’

Thus, if we think with the Spirit and through the Spirit, which is God’s Law, we strengthen our links with the Spirit, and we shall discover that the Spirit works for us!

 

Faith is thought enlightened by the Spirit. And faith moves mountains."

 

Much love to you, brave brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Those words are brilliant thanks man. 'Faith is thought enlightened by the Spirit' - beautiful. Thank you for that. 

 

Oh man sorry to hear about your day. Your really having to grind things out right now. But your approach is spot on and you will be rewarded for your posotive mentality, no doubt. 

 

I had an okay day but mind very hazy so sorry if this is a bit short. Went to Tesco again and this time bought some stuff my mum asked for. It was so nice to reverse the roles after she has been looking after me for so long! But carrying that bag of potatoes all the way back was tough!! The chlorpromazine is great for anxiety but weakens my muscles so much. It's annoying but it's the trade off. 

 

Really happy for you about the meditation. I know what you mean about those moments of calm it is very liberating, but remember the main thing is just to be present if those thoughts come they come. Just observe them, don't try and push them away. It's that paradox, the more you don't want the thoughts to be there the more they will come. 

 

A new book has just come out by one of the Buddhist monks I read, he had a NDE in the wilderness. He just randomly left his monastery with no possessions, without telling anybody and just disappeared for 4 years or something. I'll get you the link at some point. That's the mentality I aspire to. 

 

Sorry for short post, as said head not really working tonight lol! 

 

God Bless brother

[LDN]

Gail I had a story I forgot to tell you!! After reading your post to me about the rocks you found, the next day or day after I found a small stone on the floor of living room. A little black stone. It could have come in on my shoe, but that's never ever happened before and it hasn't happened since. It's crazy huh? I read your story and then I find my own stone?? As I say I have never ever found a stone on the floor of living room!! It was just there lying on the floor!! So anyway I have kept it and called it GAIL'S STONE!! The other day my mum almost threw it away and I said NO!!! I don't know what it means but it's a crazy coincidence! I hold it some times and it makes me think of you, the forum and it gives me strength! I think maybe it shows our spirits are close.

 

I'm happy my words can help, it's the same with yours. When I read you the Bible comes to life for me. It's like 'Oh now I know what Jesus meant'. But it's not just understanding, it's actually feeling it! I feel God, and I'm like this is it! This is what Jesus meant when he said 'the kingdom of God is within you' (Luke 17:21)! 

 

Thank you for being my friend gail. Thank you so so much! Special, special soul. I love you. God loves you. And I can't wait for those pina coladas on that paradise island! Beauty we can't even imagine is coming to us. ALL WILL BE WELL. 

 

I always forget english isn't your 1st language and you are a quebecois! So here's a little french lol!

 

Fais de beaux reves!!

 

Dieu soit avec toi!! 

 

AMOUR AMOUR AMOUR 

[gail]

Ah sweet London, your French is perfect.

The stone, now, you keep it safe in front of your eyes if you can, on your desk. I often wonder if they have another meaning than to be seen and touched.check if your stone is magnetic.

I've been blessed by Notmyself yesterday, I was saying that pleasure has escaped me for quite a long time and she made me see God's love for me and all the love I get here, is of great value and I smiled. She opened up a door for me.

Plus the many verses that showed up by Hat and Scrat(IUN). I am so blessed to have you all that I could cry of gratitude.

I think that I will take up NM routine with candles, inspiring!

All my love to you my dearest friend, stay strong, good or bad days, just ride it and let the rhythm of life take you where it wishes. I love you London, que Dieu te benisse, Gail xxx

[invalidusername]

Glad you liked that bit from the book. Made me really think.

 

I cannot believe how far you have come with your exposures! And I can imagine a Tesco in the heart of London to be quite busy! I could go during busier times, but I would feel very uncomfortable. Sack of spuds is one way of throwing you right in at the deep end! I hope there was no problem in carrying them back. I really hope this carries on for you.

 

Happy to report that today, whilst a bit touch and go, was a far better day. I started to see pleasure coming back. It came in waves, and then I would have a few minutes where it would creep back in again. But knowing that I have the capacity to bring it back was enough to keep me thinking forward. The meditation has also started to help. When I felt the bad stuff coming back, I would bring my meditation forward a few minutes - or just add another 20 minutes into the schedule. No harm in doing too much meditation!

 

The monk you spoke of sounded really interesting, so I Googled and found what I think you are talking about;

 

https://www.wpr.org/...quest-awareness

 

"Knowing without thinking" - that really makes you think!! But this is what so many people have been trying to describe as being available in the Summerland - summed up in three simple words. More books to add to the list I guess!

 

Hope you head has become a little less hazy. Watch for that sensory overload too. As we have said, these things are great in moderation, just be sure you don't overdo it - as exciting as the brave new world might seem! The list is a good idea - I remember doing an exercise once that had me list the things I want to do, rate them in order of how much I wanted to do them, and how difficult I feel each one way. Subtract one from the other, and arrange the list accordingly. Was a useful exercise and gave some focus.

 

Don't worry about length of post - you have quite a lot to catch up on at the end of your day here on the forum. Do only as you can. 

 

Very apprehensive about tomorrow, but nothing stressful awaits, so am hoping that mood remains.. or dare I say improves! So difficult living one day to the next not knowing what is going to happen, but the bottom line is that we make each day the best it can be. See how it goes and will report back!

 

God Bless

[gail]

PS just read about the book and what he says about no need for a cushion, just lying down and be in the moment. I'm often in bed, so, it's feasible that way also!

[LDN]

Thanks for the article link - it's amazing isn't? To choose to beg and live in the mountains on mushrooms, what a man. So refreshing in this world we live in. His book has just come out, can't wait to read it. I'm so inspired by his story. I've read two of his books, he's a lovely guy. This story shows he the real deal not a fraud. As a kid he had really bad anxiety and panic attacks, he talks about that a lot in his books. 'Knowing without thinking' that's it! That the aim for me. Nice how he talked of the sun and cloud less sky, I've read similar to that in others. So hopeful to read that, and also exciting for the future. 

 

Yes! Great that today was better, so happy the pleasure is coming back. It's important to remember for the future, things will get better!! Must say your mentality is fantastic, I really learn from you! Such positivity and perseverance! Keep it up! Really happy meditating is helping as well, it's been totally invaluable for me to be honest. 

 

"You can meditate everywhere, anytime," he said. "You can meditate at the office, and going to exercise, only two seconds, three seconds, okay. You don’t need a special cushion. You don’t need perfect posture. Just being, resting your mind and body, just being with the present moment. Awareness is always present." - This is a great quote, and really sums up his teachings for me. 2 or 3 seconds that still counts!! 

 

Man our spiritual journeys are so aligned right now it's mad! We're both feeding off each other, so lucky I found you. Thanks man! Really great to have a fellow traveller with me to share with. 

 

Yeah exposure mad right now. Yeah those spuds were so HEAVY! My poor arms lol! It's pretty busy, the road in general is. It's got a pub, pizza express, a bar, lots of traffic, buses etc. I hadn't used one of those automatic check-outs for so long so was kind of freaking out trying to work it lol! I got there in the end! I find the humming noise in supermarkets really weird and bit unnerving though. 

 

So today saw another cousin for the 1st time in 7 years. I'm a bit knackered right now, as was chatting to him for 2 hours 20 mins or so. He's into meditation as well so talked about that which was cool. He gave me a special stone, which apparently absorbs negative energy I think, I'm going to need to look it up. The weird thing is, is that it at the time it feels just really natural but afterwards it really takes a lot out of you these exposures!

 

I've got to vote on Thursday as well, which I'm so nervous and not sure I've got the energy but it would be a big exposure. I wanted to vote last year but was too scared to go, so it would be nice to overcome that. Got my therapist tomorrow so we will discuss it. 

 

Anyway on we go. Feel so tired but gotta keep on going, just riding the waves and not fighting against them. Really hope tomorrow goes well! Your in my prayers as usual, and your wife. Love to you brother. 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey Gail hope today was good?? I think i saw you had a nice siesta - lovely! I saw those beautiful posts from NM and Fishinghat and IUN, what a TEAM we have here. I can't think what I have done to deserve God sending me here!! A little corner of heaven on earth it is here! My dear God thank you thank you thank you! Gail one day, you and me will look back on our lives of suffering and realise it was a gift from God, and actually it is us who are the LUCKY ONES! That sounds crazy doesn't it, we in our pain are lucky, but I really believe it is true! It is fact LUCKY to suffer and a great blessing to suffer! If God chose his only son, Jesus, to have that crown of thorns, the whips and then the cross, his own son, then think how much he must love us gail!! I truly think you and me gail are truly blessed. I just see God in you so much gail, I really do! 

 

I'm working hard here - but it is tiring work! But your beacon of light has as always helped. 

 

I'm a sensitive guy gail you know, so I love when you talk about your emotions, it makes me feel less alone!! 

 

I just closed my eyes, and imagined your hands in mine and I was squeezing them with my love! Please feel my love my special special friend! My hero! 

 

Mon francais est tellement mauvais mais mon google traduction est incroyable!! LOL! 

 

DORMEZ BIEN MON CHER AMI!! 

 

JE T'AIME!!!

[gail]

Sweet London (berry),

Cute? Got to check what that is, london berry! We are blessed, so blessed my dear friend! Thousands of miles away and the forum reunites two strangers that have so many things in common, that is God's love! Not a coincidence, God's doing! God's gift! Thank you God.

Liz has been telling me about the prayer list that I've been on for at least four years at her church, the poster mentioned my name to her to be sure he pronounced it right!!!!and he continues to pray for me. Again, thousands of miles away, and strangers that pray for me!!!!
I am blessed! So blessed that I can and do cry over all that magnitude.

It's been five years that I'm on the forum and have met so many dear people, all that miles and miles away! All those prayers that have been said, thinking about Fishinghat and his lovely wife, FiveNotions, my dear Scrat, my lovely NM, dear Raven, and so many others, thank you. It's a wonder that I don't have wings and fly away. A wonder that I'm not cured physically and mentally. But spiritually, I'm getting there.

It is essential for me to show my emotions and to talk about them. I cannot make believe even with my grown up children or strangers. So London, no fear, when emotions arrises, you will know.

At the moment, all is calm and easy. Since I'm often sleeping, this is why I'm up with a coffee. But soon, it will be bed time again. My favorite passtime lately, well it's been like that for a while. I tire so easily. Today, I set my mind on dusting everywhere. Then vacuum.

London, thank you for so much beautiful words, for inspiring me, for the God in you and for squeezing my hands. Your soul is so beautiful.

Bonne nuit Mon Ami and God bless you. Love, Gail

[gail]

Tell me London, is it a white stone?

[invalidusername]

I've got so many books to read - and I want to read them all at once! I really need to curb how many books I am trying to read at once. My main room in the flat is stacked with books everywhere. Not a lot else. Just furniture and book and the odd item of clothing. I read more about this chap and how he suffered mental health - there is a chapter all about his struggle with it in the book by the looks. 

 

Had an amazing kip last night as well... almost 9 hours! Where did that come from?! Unfortunately, I had some nasty depersonalisation when I woke - but I noticed from my notes that the last time I had such an epic sleep, the same thing occured. I brushed it off as best I could and when I got on with the day, it seemed to pass - so another relatively good day was had all things considered. Still not quite relaxing though. Confidence will take some time after the last couple of weeks of all over the place.

 

So... another stone? That is very conicidental following Gailage's story, then the one you found in your living room, and now this? There is a lot of thinking about negative energies and how they can be redirected into different things. I remeber watching An Idiot Abroad where Karl Pilkington saw this small witchdoctor who took all of his negative energy and put it in a guinea pig! Poor thing!

 

I am not even getting involved with the voting process. It makes me too stessed. The country is so far out of kilter, the very thought of it would have me reaching for the meditation tools. It is like a load of school children moking an election. I don't think people really understand what is fully going on and the implications involved. I'm stopping there!

 

So how has the day gone? Any new exposures? With all these cousins, tescos and so forth, it is really taking off. You will have your own book to write soon

 

Been a bit lacking with the meditation today. Only 15 minutes. Despite the day being better, I feel I need to keep it going as I will be caught out. It is not that I do not want to, nor see the need - I do, I just got caught up with doing other stuff that it slipped my mind. Any other day this wouldn't have happened. Anyway, on that note, dinner has digested, I will slip away into some practise now!

 

Prayers carry on for your brave continued efforts brother!

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hello Scrat, would you mind giving me the title of that book and the author please?

[invalidusername]

Certainly, dear Gailage....

 

In Love with the World - Yongey Mingyur Ronpoche

 

Excerpt from chapter 11 - A Visit from Panic, My Old Friend, shown below;

 

"I saw that instead of needing to get rid of my panic, I had to become familiar with the rigid sense of self that kept trying to hold things in place. I could let the panic lead a life of its own. It would dissolve forever or maybe rise again, and yet again, but either way, I could live with it; and I saw that even if I got rid of my panic, other waves would arise and there would always be difficult circumstances, sorrow, sickness, anxiety, and strong emotions. But without a fixed mind, these daily life problems could return to the larger, more spacious ocean-mind. Trying to stop the waves would be like trying to stop the mind, or grasp air in our hands. It’s not possible.

 

Since that last panic attack, no greater suffering had arisen, and I had not imagined that it ever would."

[LDN]

Gail I got my french wrong!! Sorry, forgot to do the feminine!! SILLY ME! It was meant to be chère amie!!

 

So today I had therapy and with my therapist we went to Westminster Cathedral for an exposure. Here is a photo - 

 

https://www.google.c...ug9ncM61utKoGM:

 

I lit a candle FOR YOU!!! And for the rest of the beautiful souls on here! 

 

The organ was playing. I was very beautiful! 

 

Like you said God is so amazing to send us to each other, and others on here! You are completely right it is God who sent me here. I thank you so much my God. I know you are in pain but I'm so happy in a selfish way I got to meet you before you go home. The strength I've got from you can't be described. I feel so much JOY from you. Again I'm sorry a bit selfish and I want what's best for you - but it was obviously God's Plan to meet you and for that I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! I feel like a little kid with there favourite relative you know, like as if my mum says Gail is coming today and I would like YESSSSSSSSSSS! And when you come over the little kid me would cuddle against your leg!! 

 

SO HAPPY for your calm day! Wow dusting and hoovering exhausts me, that is so brave of you! I sleep so much like you, but it is lovely to not just rush and be still. We don't always have to be doing things or rushing. Just rest with God. Don't worry you will have wings and fly soon, as you will be an angel. A guardian angel for all of us on this forum. My aunt is a guardian angel of mine. She lost her life to depression but watches over me and send kisses to me. She's called Rachel and I never met her but she is with all the time. I feel her. As I suffer the same illness as her, she lovingly looks over me and after me. I put my hand in the air sometimes and grab a kiss and put it on my cheek!! I LOVE YOU RACHEL!!!

 

So my stones are both black?? 

 

Also about your question on meditation, you can definitely meditate in bed. I always do, in fact it is maybe my favourite place to meditate. In my readings the teacher says you can definitely do it, the guy that IUN send you the link for! 

 

London Berry I found is a perfume. Well that is great because I always smell great LOL. When my mum kisses me she says I always smell nice ha! 

 

BELLE BELLE AME!!!!

 

AMOUR AMOUR AMOUR

[LDN]

IUN 9 hours WOW! Crazy man, sorry you didn't feel great when you woke but that will I'm sure have done you the world of good! To be honest when I have a long sleep I often feel a bit weird when I wake up, anything over 8 hours and I often feel a bit strange. Still so so happy you had a decent day, this is good progress I think. I think you on the right path. I really hope so anyway. It would make sense as your brain needed a bit of space and time to take stock of the medication changes. 

 

If you are going to put stuff in your rooms, then nothing better than books. You should see my bedroom, books everywhere and then a big pile in the living room as well! I'm personally not really into those minimalist sort of spaces with nothing in them, but of course what ever people like they should have. My family house is full of old books and things lying around, quite cosy. 

 

So yeah as will have seen in my post to Gail, I had another exposure today! I went to my therapist and was feeling so tired and just wanted, a chill out session. Then she suddenly said we could go Westminster Cathedral, which is quite nearby, for an exposure. I was like I think I'm a bit tired, but she said she was going away for 2 weeks, so I wouldn't see her for 3 weeks. So then I could see her reasoning and agreed, even though I was so mental tired. We walked all through Victoria Station to get there and then spent a brief time in the cathedral. The organ was playing and it was a bit surreal to be honest, it was loud and booming, very powerful. I lit a candle for you my man, you and the rest of musketeers! I didn't have any money so I could only do one, still better than nothing. So I was not expecting that. I also saw my old psychiatrist, for the 1st time in years, walking down the street, he didn't see me, but it was a bit of a shock. I really like him, but would have had a lot to tell him and I was in a rush because it in my therapy session. So that was certainly a bit mad, but I actually really enjoyed it. It meant a lot when I told my dad tonight, as it is his favourite church, so I was really happy for him. 

 

Yeah I'm really stressed about tomorrow. I've never voted outside of postal vote before, so I'm very nervous. I agree with everything you say, the situation is just too much for me right now, but at the same time I think it would be a good exposure and it's only 5 mins or so from my house. So I think I'll go but then I'm going to need a good few days off!!! I've ketamine starting in a week and a half as well. So next week is hopefully going to be restful. 

 

So excited about this new book, remembering wanting it in January and thinking ah I've got to wait a few months! Anyway it meant I could read 2 of his other books. We've got our own little spiritual book club here!! That quote is just brilliant 'knowing without thinking', like you say 3 words yet so deep! Also that extract is fantastic about anxiety, I like this bit - 'It would dissolve forever or maybe rise again, and yet again, but either way, I could live with it' . It letting go of the worry over the anxiety, it so key I think! 

 

 

Love to you my brother! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Dear London,

We are both sleepers! I didn't know that you spent a lot of time in bed. After 3 hours of being up, I need to sleep. And sleeping is easy for me.

I asked the color of your rock because my friend also gave me one, heart shaped, that takes away bad energy. Sorry to say, that I don't believe in this. I just love stones, I had quite a collection that I gave away when I learned that I was dying. Rocks, stones, favorite passtime for me. I would go with my metal detector and try to find meteorites. But, I had to buy them.

Quite an exposure you had yesterday. I would not have had the energy to do this so Bravo!

This will be short as I expect the nurse anytime now for a four hour treatment, intra veinus liquid for my bones. To keep the dogs from munching on my bones lol!

So, my sweet, we will speak soon, all my love to you, Gail xxxx

[invalidusername]

Hope the treatment is going well as I type dear Gailage.

 

Maybe you are able to sleep during the treatment as it goes over your 3 hours! I seem to be catching it from you both as I had another 8 hours last night, which is long for me, and I am still tired in the day. But alas, cannot sleep while working! So will have to be careful when meditating - already fallen asleep once and been late for a client this week

 

Will be thinking of you - Scrattage xxx

[gail]

Hey Scrat,

Yes, I sleep during the treatment. Just got up! Yeah for you, eight hours!
I sleep about 16-17 hours daily. I need it with my condition.
With your last two months, normal for you to be so tired. Love you!