2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I seem to be following you 24 hours behind as I am now feeling edgy - all day. Might try some music to see if it helps. I think it is because I have to get up early tomorrow and do quite a long journey and being that I am so exhausted, it isn't going to help me at all. I am also very nervous about having the work being done on my car. It is my baby as you know... so I am bound to feel like this. 

 

You seemed to be more or less on time last night - around 4.30am?! That is pretty good! You need to be careful with the games and your routine. You know how difficult it can be when our clocks get offset by this stuff. You must really enjoy the football. I can't think there would be anything on the TV that would get me out of bed sooner than I needed to be! LOL

 

Nice that you had a bit of rain. And the proper stuff too - the stuff that clears the air. We only got a drizzle down here, and the humidity was just the same. Really don't like that weather. 

 

So how was today? Did you manage to wind down at all? I got an hour of meditation in last night which helped with the dreams, but still woke up feeling very uneasy... and edgy as I said. Just feel like I have dodged the bullet of my bad days. Although I was resting for most of the weekend, I wasn't too bad. Was still able to do stuff - just not a lot and very slowly! I really hope this exhaustion gives me a break tomorrow. I know it is all stress related. Maybe this hourly break is doing something? You never know!

 

I have also switched my book reading for a few days to top up my spirituality. I am reading the Ken Akehurst book again. My second favourite only to Testimony of Light. It really tunes me into picturing the Summerland. My meditations used to take me there and to my home that I am building from down here. I haven't been there in a long time and I miss it very much. The last thing that changed was the small pool filled with run-off water from the mountains was gold coloured! Not quite sure why, but that is how it turned out - but it changed colour as it flowed back through the garden and down to the river that separates my home from the main buildings - Hall of Wisdom and so forth. 

 

The one building that I would love to see again is the medical one that I have told you about before.. with the green/purple glass - the colour that I cannot see on earth. I am thinking that the glass does something to the light that comes through from outside which then becomes some sort of healing light. From breathing it, to feeling it on the skin. The whole light simply "heals" just by being inside the building. All the rooms are around the perimeter, and there is a sort of lounge area in the middle. There are no doors or partitions anywhere either. Even the floors are glass as well. there are two levels and a sort of glass bridge that goes over the top of the lounge area. The whole place looks amazing. And even though you would expect the light to take on this green/purple hue as the light travels through it, it doesn't. Everything looks as though there would be normal glass. Can't explain it, but this is what I see.

 

No idea where that came from - I am just making some notes here while I remember it! Something different - kind of like the old Gail corners! I do hope you are able to read these Gailage - I think you would really enjoy that stuff I just wrote!

 

Anyway - off to listen to some music and ruminate on the buildings of the Summerland!!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! PM tonight but that Summerland passage was just wonderful!! Truly stunning! Thank you so much for sharing!! 

 

I will be praying tomorrow goes well! Remember to breathe deeply and just let it happen and let go!! 

 

I hope you had a nice evening! 

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thanks for the PM... and the text reply today - really kept me going today when I needed it. 

 

So, yes, up at 9.30am, which gave me 5 hours sleep. Half a bowl of cereal and out the door feeling like a zombie. The rest you know, driving to the garage, back, collecting a car, and finally home just before 12.30. Then I did a further 4 hours of tuition which gave me a headache, then a massive shopping trip followed by a call in to the parents to help them move a load of stuff in the garage to make way for a new garage door being fitted tomorrow.

 

Finally home after all that at 8.30pm for lunch

 

What a day!!!

 

But look what I am saying - you were up for the football! But it sounds like you got a relatively early night in from your PM. You are right to listen to your body under these circumstances. You are a victim of your success on insta, but you can and will make it work for your better. I know you will! You always have the aid of B to fall back on, and I am sure she would help if things really got too tough at any stage. Having to do it for her own career stuff, she will no doubt be able to handle a little more!! What are families for!! LOL

 

Other than that, I can fully understand what you said in your other part of the PM. Very similar myself and it is better not to hold this stuff in. You did the right thing for sure. But at the same time there is such an emotional ambivalence going on of happiness and sadness. How do you deal with that?! It is all this earth stuff, and these shells that we are dealing with. Ken Akehurst addresses emotions early on in his book and it really makes you think how it is possible to like in the Summerland with these negative emotions - although it is understood that when we first arrive that there are remnants of them, but are there for our own good as it will ultimately benefit our moving forward spiritually.

 

Anyway - I need to keep it short as I am sure you can understand that I am somewhat shattered!! I'm sure I will have a good sleep. Just about to have supper and then read and meditate as best I can before falling asleep!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

WOW brother!!! When I got your text I thought that was insane enough and now i read you went on to do 4 hours of work, then a massive shopping trip and then a call in with your parents and some manual labour!!! That is truly phenomenal!! Just breathtaking!! Just that expedition this morning I thought was a mammoth exposure! WOW!!! You really are on fire brother! You are doing so so well! I just hope you realise how amazing you are doing! You should be so so proud of yourself!! Honestly I just don't have words! Completely speechless!! So so inspired right now! It makes me so happy to see you doing so well and just go from strength to strength! And it will only continue like this!! 

 

So I woke at about 1 30pm! Which for me is early!! But for once I actually got to bed in decent time! Went to bed about 6 am, which for me is very very good! Then I managed to get my siesta in on time and get the whole match! So that was a massive achievement for me! My timings have been so horrific but I showed I could be disciplined when I needed! From last night I got basically every timing spot on, which is so pleasing. Obviously I am knackered now though! 

 

I slept not great last night. No depression or bad dreams but just in and out of sleep non stop. Very stop and start. I think I was feeling very over stressed and over worked plus going to bed so much earlier might have had an impact too. But thankfully once I was up I felt fine straight away. It was a bit like my brain just couldn't shut down or properly switch off.

 

Once I was up I went to the field and spend about 30 minutes, just focusing on breathing and being really calm and slowing everything down. Being really still. Those 30 minutes made a huge difference! I felt so much better afterwards. It was very windy and so it so fresh up in the field with the wind blowing against my face! The moment I was up I thought to myself 'I need to get into the field ASAP', I just needed that stillness, calm and an opportunity to just slow my system down and set a new tempo. 

 

I then had my siesta at 5 30 which is so early for me! By far the earliest since I have been down from London here. Normally it is 9 30!! Then up and watched the game with my brother and dad. Really good game, so was fantastic I was able to watch it! But it was exhausting, an emotional roller coaster! Even my brother said he felt knackered at the end! Since then just doing a few bits and bobs. 

 

Going to try and get back into reading properly. I really lost track of it and think I really need to bring it back into my day! It is so important for my mental health. I need it to calm me and intellectually stimulate me. 

 

So proud again brother! BRAVO! 

 

So much love and God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thanks again for your encouraging words - I needed them more than ever. Shortly after I wrote to you and had supper... about 20 minutes later I had to worst stomach cramps and stabbing pains just above my groin and within about 2-3 minutes I had to run to the bathroom and vomited continuously for about 3 minutes; my best guess was food poisoning... again. The same stabbing pain and (dry) vomiting continued every 5 minutes for about an hour - I have never known so much horribleness all at once. I thought it could be appendix as it was that painful, so the wife called 111 and they put me through to a doctor who diagnosed it as a bad case of food poisoning. 

 

Hardly slept as I was worried about choking on vomit or something and have spend the whole day in bed - short of trips to the loo. But dry toast and water. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the whole stress that I was just getting to grips with came back and from morning til about an hour ago, I also had mental claus. It has been hell I tell you man. Never want to go through that again.

 

But I only ate fresh veg, salad and a veggie pie. Nothing that would have caused issues normally. Potentially contaminated salad... but I am really worried to eat anything tonight. 

 

So this is all I have done today - a few posts of the forum. Was completely motionless all day. I feel a bit better now, and just pray that it doesn't come back.

 

Anyway - well done on getting to bed at a good hour and making the best of your early wake for the football. Sounds like you did a remarkable job with the siesta as well. Considering the last few days, that must have taken some will power to do - so a massive well done from me - that was indeed an awesome achievement - and so glad that it paid off. Do you have the impetus to carry that on now? 

 

Your sleep pattern sounds very much stress-laden to me; just as mine was. Your brain refuses to switch off. But amazing that it didn't affect your waking state. Unfortunately I was in no state to be moving, but then again I don't remember falling asleep before around 6am. I sort of came to sitting bolt upright at around 7am. I didn't feel quite so nauseous, so I laid down and like you, got stop/start sleep til around 11am, then I just sat. The Mrs did care for me getting me my water and toast which was a real help. When I stood up it felt like I was on a boat on a stormy sea - not the vertigo, just the sickness feeling that you need to sit down straight away. Damn, worst never 24 hours... would never wish that on anyone.

 

Your mention of the field really encourages me. I am sometimes wondering if I could use the field out the back of my parents house. It is huge and plenty of places to sit. No animals though - only my cat who will be hunting mice. But he only plays with them, he never eats them! Half hour can make all that difference as you say. 

 

I can understand that the football can be quite emotional! Not something I partake in as you know, but when I watch the World Rally, it is the exact same. You get caught up in the energy of it all. Watching the driving going break-neck speeds over crazy rounds and bends - it is difficult not to get caught up in it - so can understand.

 

Not sure what to do now - might try for a read first, but I need to calm somehow before supper. Not hungry at all, but that will be my nerves from yesterday. I need to eat something... Sorry for the downer today, but I really didn't need this and much like you, you need to know what I have gone through... so thanks for reading and understanding dear brother

 

Love you

 

God Bless

[LDN]

So so sorry to hear of what you have been through brother! That hurt to hear! How insanely brave to been! I remember you had food poisoning recently as well I think? Truly horrific! I am so upset to hear this! But again massive BRAVO for keeping going and just not letting yourself get too negative! I really hope it is one of those 24 hours type things and tomorrow you will be back feeling fine! 

 

To be fair brother I am still just in awe of your exposures on Monday, that was truly awesome! So even though it was horrific, at least the rest might have done you some good after such an epic day! 

 

And so gutted to hear about the mental claustrophobia coming back. It really does come and go, it came go so quickly, out of nowhere! But thankfully I find it can go so quickly as well! 

 

I will really really be praying for brother! Keep reminding yourself of how awesome you have been doing recently and all the amazing progress you have been making! This is really out of your hands and just try and focus on all the amazing stuff that you did! 

 

I must be honest my head feels weird tonight. I have that very edgy thing when I need to listen to music. Feel almost shaky with edginess! So I am going to listen to some music and see what that does! 

 

I have got a fame Thursday and potentially Tuesday, both at 7 45pm, like Monday, so I will try and keep this sort of routine for the time being. I was planning of shifting things forward a bit anyway, so the game was usefully in giving me a drive to do it sooner rather than later. Plus good from an exposure perspective to just do things differently and shake things up a bit! 

 

Last night I had a really nasty depression, but thankfully today I woke up and felt fine and it has been a very restful and calm day! 

 

Feel super weird man, so sorry! Really struggling to type! 

 

Again massive BRAVO for today!! So proud of your bravery and so hope things pick up! I really hope you had a nice evening tonight! 

 

I will be praying!!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

It is largely a PM from me this evening as you will find.. but will just stop here as well.

 

My thanks... again... for your encouragement. You have no idea where I would be without you at the moment. The stuff that life has thrown at me has really got me to a bad place, but the first thing I thought was... LDN has been through this... and worse. He too has had stomach problems, serious depression, and countless moments of stress. If he can go through it and still be here, then I need to do the same. But so so difficult right in the middle of it all.

 

So - another game tomorrow? And 7.45pm, so that will mean having an on-time siesta, and therefore an on-time bedtime. I am sure you will be OK in seeing that through. It is good to shake things up as you say from an exposure perspective - very good. 

 

Sorry to hear about your depression from the previous night. Again, it is making its mark on your evenings, just as mine is on the mornings. Very strange how yours is the opposite when so many have issues in the morning - or whenever we get up! Maybe that might have something to do with it.. who knows.

 

Anyway - I really need to reach for my Ken Akehurst book now brother. I need to get in touch with my spiritual side very much this evening more than before...

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I sent over a PM! You are doing so great and I am so proud! I hope you had a good read of the Ken Akehurst book!

 

Lots of prayers and love to you brother!!

 

God Bless!!!

[invalidusername]

PM continued!! 

 

Apologies subscribers

[LDN]

Sent over a PM brother!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thought I would get us back here on the main posting area for the benefit of our audience!

 

Speaking of which, aside from the "Drop a word", this seems to be the "hottest" topic on the forum with over 50,000 views! That's crazy that so many people have been reading us! It is really nice that I can think so many people are finding comfort in our little journal here that they keep coming back to read. Maybe one day in the future we could have a live q&a event LOL...

 

It would become Insta all over again!!! ARRGGHH!!!

 

Again, was some great stuff in the PM. Lots of stuff for perspective. 

 

Today has been a bit strange and oddly enough very much like you were yesterday. Not much enthusiasm to do anything, bit flat and almost like being in a dream too. After the news of my car upgrade not going anything like it should, that has dashed my excitement. I was really looking forward to the fruits of my work, but having been let down by the engine shop, that really dented my enthusiasm. Made me question why I get excited about this stuff. And now I have to wait even longer for my car because they said it would be finished today and it wasn't. They are now on holiday for 2 weeks, so I am going to be very upset without my car!! And in the height of the Summer too!!

 

The 4 1/2 months of not leaving the house is a lot man... but there isn't much you can do. You did the right thing by fleeing the city to stay safe. But did you visit your cousins today? That would have been a good break - if a bit of an exposure. 

 

It is a difficult place when you know you should b doing stuff to keep going and to become motivated, but at the same time, you just don't have the impetus at all. Viscous circle. It was a very slow day for work, which isn't a bad thing as I am getting some balance, but at the same time, the thought of being stuck at home all day made me feel quite low. So I went to see my parents again for an hour to break the day up. Felt brighter this evening, but with the weather hitting around 26-27 degrees, I didn't really want to be outside as I cannot cope with the heat!!

 

Anyway... off to top up my spirituality with Ken again! Will look forward to reading how you got on today for more inspiration!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I had a big exposure today! Went to my cousins tonight! Didn't get back till 11 25 pm!! Can you imagine?? I have been out in the evening for years and years!! I was only there for 2 hours as I had to fit in my siesta and get some lunch in before I went! So didn't leave till about 8 30pm with my dad! My mum and bro and sis had already gone. Just sitting outside chatting with my aunt mostly! Very interesting conversation, really good fun! 

 

But I never go out after my siesta man!! So it felt weird at first! Plus not having been in a car for 4 1/2 months!!! Very good to get a change of scene but such a weird time for my timings! I ALWAYS have my lunch before my siesta but today I had to have it after as I wanted to have energy when I went there! A lot of planning went into to this to make it work! Very good energy though as me and their family just sat outside and chatted and everybody in good spirits! 

 

It has been a tiring week though for me, with 2 games as well, so I felt pretty tired near the end! Still an evening out is now ticked off - so pleased with that! Plus very good to challenge to maneuver my daily routine! Though very tiring effort!! 

 

So sorry about your car man!! That is so annoying and frustrating! I guess you can look at it as an exposure but not a fun one!! So sorry man! 

 

I'm truly knackered here brother!! But I will be praying for you as always!

 

Insta Q and A LOL!! Give me a few days off first LOL!!! 

 

Take care and so much love!! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Wow! That was some undertaking! As soon as I got through the first line I knew how much of a big deal that was as I know you don't go out and stay that late. I know you have been known to have visitors to the house that late, but being out... can't remember the last one. Bravo brother! After such a long time, you did so well!!

 

Then to reschedule all your daily activities to suit that one event - that is a big thing in itself. We do tend to be creatures of habit. I usually have my lunch around 7pm and I don't generally like to go out after that. Sure I will do some work, but it will be from home. It is a line drawn in the day where I cannot be hassled any further! LOL

 

Will be interested to see how today went after that exposure. 

 

Plus, I don't know about the weather, but if it was anything like it was here at that time, I would have really been a right grumpy bastard. Just cannot take the heat!

 

Today for me has been fairly average. Woke up relatively well - not too much to do today, but wanted to keep myself busy. Had some flatness creep in again early evening for a couple of hours, and then I went to an old customer who wants some work done over the weekend. Was in the town and ridiculously hot, so I felt a bit of anxiety, but it was strange. It was there, and of course I was aware of it, but it didn't stop me doing anything. I had the physical stuff, but the rest of me was just more annoyed by it if that makes sense. I was there for about half hour, and being just before lunch I was getting hungry and of course the heat. He also mentioned that his neighbour who is fairly high ranking at the local Police has said that they are overwhelmed with suicides at the moment! They can't keep up, but putting it all down to COVID.

 

That was a real struggle to hear and a reality check for sure. Right here in our town, and loads of people taking their lives over what is happening. Such a shame. It is worrying as well, as there is a very large multinational company whose HQ is here. They have decided that their staff are better off working from home... so you think about the chain just as a result of not having the office. Those 1000's of workers aren't using public transport, they don't require security any more, no more cleaners, no electricity - so many things happen and suffer. It is worrying. Then they are talking about this second wave and that there will be no money hand-outs this time. I just can't think about that. There is going to be a serious economic crisis if they don't sort something out.

 

Anyway - enough moaning. Bit late today, but still always time for some reading. Nearly finished Ken, so it will be time to choose a new one! Hope you have a good day with things back to a normal schedule!

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! First of all one thing I forgot to mention was my relations have a lurcher. He knows me a bit now! When I was outside he was right by my side for ages and I was just stroking him all the time! Then near the end we went inside and I went to look for him and I say him on the couch sleeping. I went over and he started licking my hand! Apparently he never licks people!! Can you imagine?? It was so emotional he moved his head right to my hand and gave me some really nice gentle licks! Then he moved his head to mine, as if he was coming to kiss me! It made me night man! Honestly!! My cousin said she has noticed he loves me and always comes to me first! I just LOVE animals man! Seriously they give me so much joy and happiness! Sheep, cats or dogs - I just love them! One day maybe I will be like Byron the poet and have a house overrun with them!! Looking back on last night it makes my heart warm just thinking about it!

 

And thank you for that truly gorgeous video of the cat! So moving! That was what got me thinking about it! I think with animals as the relationship with them is basically non verbal, it all about energy and they can really pick up when someone comes to them with love and compassion! Ahh just thinking about it is making feel good! Humans are so much more complicated LOL!!! I just want to cuddle with a cat or dog or domesticated lamb LOL!!! That is all I want man LOL!!! Nothing better than cuddle with animal and feeling the love!! 

 

So today was a bit all over the shop LOL! Just done a MASSIVE insta session! So pretty knackered but it was worth it! Got in some good work! 

 

I had a 9 hour sleep which was nice and then just very sort lazy! I didn't have time to go to the field so just went to the bottom of the garden for 5 minutes, as otherwise my sauna and siesta would be too late. Then just put up a poem, which I was dreading but it was important since I haven't put one up since Wednesday. But I get calm and focussed on breathing and came through it. Then it was my Dad's birthday presents. He is like me, not bothered about it at all LOL!! Then siesta! So apart from insta work, pretty lazy but no depression just tired! 

 

My aunt has a small insta account because she is an artist and makes these beautiful cushion covers. She was asking me alot of questions as we are both creatives on the site. Was the 1st time I've really spoken about it at length in person with someone. Only those relatives know about it, no one else LOL!! Apart from my therapist!! 

 

Crickey well done for getting into town in that heat!! I couldn't be out for long in this heat! Yeah I am like you, never go out after lunch! Siesta and then reading or insta. I always do my outings before my lunch and siesta!! 1st I have been out for an evening like that in literally years! I wasn't even anxious about it as well, which was weird. I got in the car and then thought to myself crickey this is a bit weird going out at this time! It was like I forgot about all my routines and just got on with it and then my anxiety was like hang on, you don't ever do this so you should be anxious!! So I just meditated in the car which really helped and refreshed me. Once I was there I had no anxiety at all, which was nice! Did feel a bit tired but nothing else! 

 

It sounds like you handled your anxiety really excellently today man, so well done!! Bravo! Really great stuff! 

 

Very sad to hear about all those people taking their lives. I must say I was expecting this to happen, since economic crashes and uncertainty lead to rises in the numbers. But so so sad. May God Bless all those souls and their families! I think you and me are better equipped to deal with the chaos after all we have been through. To go from normalcy to that must be so tough. 

 

On a positive note I was really happy to hear you could visit your vicar friend the other day, that sounded a lovely meeting! 

 

I hope you had a nice evening and managed to unwind! I will be praying! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother!

 

Lurchers are lovely looking things! And you know that animals can see right into your mindset. They know you are an animal person. So lovely to be able to bond with animals - and the ironic part was I was reading that exact part of Ken's book last night about our pets! I really miss having a pet in the flat. I worry that it would be too small for a cat, but I suppose I could rescue one that has been used to an indoor life. I don't like to bring one up and not give it the opportunity to go outside.

 

That said, Mrs Scrats cat back in her home country goes for walks! Whenever we were over there, we would take him for a walk every day on his little pink leash! He behaves just like a dog except when it is time to go back indoors, he just plants his ass and refuses to move! He never wants to go back inside! Did I ever tell you about the time we took him to Paris??

 

I saw the time of your email and thought you might have got mixed up with timing again. But good that you got your sauna and siesta back into line after yesterday. Better to get it back to normal asap before it gets things further off track.

 

Wonderful that the depression didn't get a look in. A slice of things to come hopefully. I woke to a very strange feeling of anxiety - sort of like what happened yesterday. But it is for sure a chemical thing as I wouldn't let it stop me doing anything. It was more or less gone within an hour. Probably remnants of all the stuff that happened at the start of the week. But I could really do with having my car back!! I know it sounds crazy, but I really miss it. Every morning I look out my window of the flat and see it and it reminds me how much joy and happiness it has bought me. I just want to get it back so I can carry on with the plans I have for it. 

 

Bit late getting things done again tonight, so might bring the meditation forward as dreams were a bit close to the mark again. Not sure why as I haven't been busy... obviously - the food poisoning put pay to that! 

 

Oh - and the wife got a letter from the bastards who really messed me up - the NHS Community team. Because she is now under the care of the Crisis team, they need to get involved. So it looks like I will have to brave their doors again. Even though as soon as she is well enough to be released from the Crisis team, we will be checking out of the NHS side completely. But they have palmed us off saying that they cannot deal with her at our home town and told us we need to go to the next nearest which is about 15 miles away - and there is no way the wife will do that. So I am quite glad. We need to call tomorrow and tell them that agoraphobics can't just jump in a car for 30 minutes and talk about suicide. Doesn't work like that!!

 

Will see what comes of it... prayers will continue all round both at home and for my dear brother... and not forgetting our der third musketeer. Wherever she is, whatever she may be doing - my spirit will be with her...

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I've got that edgy and restless thing tonight so will need to listen to some music to relax, plus I have therapy in the morning! 

 

Really sorry to hear about this issue with your wife! Please always remember that anyone in your situation would be stressed by it and that you are doing a unbelievable job!! Seriously you should be so proud of yourself and how you are doing!! CHRIST CONSCIOUSNESS!! I am really blessed to know someone like you!! 

 

Yeah I remember you told me about taking the cat all around Paris on a leash!! Amazing!! So was that Mrs Scrat's cat then? Sounds a pretty adventurous and brave cat!! Chin Chin wouldn't even get in the car for 5 minutes!!! 

 

Really annoying about your car, just so frustrating! But it will go much quicker than you think! And once it is back you can appreciate it all even more! But such an annoyance with everything else you have going on! 

 

My day was fine just very restful really, which is what I needed! Saw the sheep for 30 minutes which was nice! Just the usual! 

 

Sorry man feeling so edgy here, but I will be praying for you and Mrs Scrat!! Plus of course wonderful superstar Gail!! Who we love so so much!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

Bad timing here.. very bad. Big big issue with work which I will explain tomorrow.

 

Apologies, just a short one - badly need to get to my book and meditate.

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! No problem I have to be short as well as have to get up early for the football tomorrow! Last game of the season! 

 

I had a bit of a weird day, so will fill you in tomorrow as well!! 

 

I am praying for you as always my brother! I hope you managed to get some reading and meditation in! 

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I am back on course, but let me tell you, I really did not feel myself having not had my usual opportunity to write. Felt like something was missing. I can't tell you how much of my routine this amount to. Just one day!! But I'm back and only a few minutes out. Unfortunately another busy day. I started at 1pm and didn't stop until 10pm - lunch was consumed on the go. So I also have the edgy which is currently being taken care of courtesy of some special K. Only a small dose is needed for edgy, but makes the difference.

 

Situation with the wife is difficult because she has to check in with the community having registered with the crisis team, but we decided that there is no way we are letting them get involved. I think the upshot will be that she gets referred back to the GP, and forego the crisis team, but that should take around a couple of weeks for the admin, by which time her therapy should have started.

 

She had a third one-hour session over the phone to see who would be right to help her. They have said she will need long term therapy (bit of a given, but....), and they need the right therapist to undertake that. They are meant to have made that decision this week, and then it will hopefully not be too long before that therapist has a gap open up.

 

Yes, the cat in Paris was the wife's cat. He is incredible. He didn't go in the hold, they let him on as carry on!! Cost an extra 50EUR, but that is nothing knowing that he would be safe in the plane. He would for sure freak out in the hold, plus it would be so so cold at that altitude. 

 

So what went weird about the day yesterday? Any better today? 

 

I did get some meditation in last night - a good hour or so. I wasn't tired at all - so wired, so I saw that as a good opportunity as I usually fall asleep as you know!! It did help the sleep a lot.

 

Had a bit of a prayer session for Gail this morning when I woke too. Really feel for her, wherever she may be. But my asking was for her to know our presence despite not being here with us at the forum. I know she will feel our love for her. Bless her. 

 

The other strange thing today was when I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw myself in a completely different way. Because it was hot, I had my hair up in a sort of bun on the back of my head, and where I have been letting my beard grow long from my chin area, coupled with the fact that it has turned gray (!), I looked awfully much like a Tibetan Buddhist dudes! Didn't even see that one coming!

 

Right - time to carry on relaxing. Bit of music before reading I think. Will look forward to catching up with you in the morning...

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless  

[LDN]

Hey brother I know how you feel since it feels really weird and odd for me if I don't do a proper post! 

 

I am so so sorry but I had the football final tonight and now my physio is coming in the morning!! So I can barely think and really need to get some sleep before having to get up to see her! So so sorry! 

 

The good news is we WON!!! My whole family was watching! All 5 of us!! But the bad news is it went into extra time, which is another 30 minutes! Was on from 7:45 to 11pm!! Was insanely nerve-racking! The adrenaline was off the scale watching!! When we scored me and my brother went totally nuts!! Literally crazy!! LOL!! Screaming our lungs out! Both of us have hoarse voices!! But it was a special night for sure!!

 

I am a bit of a emotional mess here! Not in a bad way but just struggling to form a coherent sentence! I had a little look at insta and of course so much admin!!!!! So many new comments plus DMs!!! I limited what I did, but it has really pushed me over the edge into some sort state of total brain dead incoherence here!! I am so so sorry brother!! 

 

Plus I am not in the mood for getting up for a 3rd early morning in a row!!! AGGGGHHHH!!! LOL!!! I needed a lie in after tonight!! 

 

Please forgive me brother! 

 

I will properly fill you all in tomorrow! 

 

So much love brother! Really pleased to hear you got in some good meditation and looking like a Tibetan Buddhist dude sounds pretty cool to me!! My brother has a crazy wild beard! Plus we both have long hair right now!! LOL! Proper lockdown look!! LOL!! 

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I have some news that I need to open with - but if you are in a suicidal disposition (I pray that you are not), then do not read on.

 

The wife woke to still have severe nausea and discomfort which made her feel so bad this morning. She said she was feeling suicidal and I suggested that she call the crisis team. However, the pager number that is used is STILL a premium rate number, costing around £3.50 at connection, regardless of call length. Both of our phones are capped to prevent this.

 

I remembered from my darker days that I could call the Single point of access and they would connect you, thus being a free call. She called but was waiting 45 minutes and they still didn't answer. This is a line for people that are desperately in need of help and it is shocking that there is this sort of delay.

 

Anyway, the wife just hung up the phone and said she couldn't wait any longer and walked out of the room. She went to the bathroom and then didn't come back. I heard some movement in the kitchen, and something just called out to me... something was telling me to move... quickly.

 

I got to the kitchen and there was the wife with a dismantled razor cutting her left wrist. She had managed to make 4 cuts and was bleeding. I just lunged and pulled her away and had to grab her wrists and shake them until she dropped the blades.

 

I then pulled her into the main room and she was struggling to get out of my grip to go back to the kitchen.

 

I was there restraining her with one arm and calling 999 with the other. I can't tell you how horrific the scene was brother. It will never leave me. I called 999 at 2.10pm and they didn't turn up until 3.45! My arms where shaking so much from the tension. 

 

What was fortunate was that my therapy was at 2.30, so I had my therapist on Skype whilst I was restraining the wife and my therapist was talking to me to calm me down whilst I did all I could to help the wife. I am still very much shaken by it all... but I cannot go through this again...

 

Anyway... that aside, I am great to hear about the football. I was picturing you and your brother screaming your heads off! It is good that you can get so carried away with it all! Sure there was adrenaline, but we now how to deal with that! 

 

And how did waking up earlier for the third time go? I don't know how you are managing to do this. I assume you are settling in for a good kip this evening?

 

Sorry to give you a bit of a shock brother, but I feel better to have shared it with you, and as always, my thanks for being there for me.

 

Much love,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother I send you a PM! Sorry if it is a bit long!! 

 

Will fill you tomorrow as you will see from the time, I got delayed today again!! Insta just so much work right now!! Plus still knackered from the match, plus having to get up for the physio!!! Just about coping here! I will crash out now though!! 

 

So much love!!!! 

 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

PM coming your way again!!!

 

Much love!

[Lovey]

Thank you for letting me know about Gail. I am sorry she's not with us in the same way but happy she is in heaven pain free. Love to you both.

[Lovey]

I am feeling quite sad. Just saying hello to you both.... Thinking of you.

[LDN]

Hi Lovey!!! So nice to hear from you!! I am so sorry you are feeling a sad! I am myself too right now! 

 

How's your art going??

 

I will be praying and thinking of you! God Bless!

[fishinghat]

Hang in there Lovey. You are not alone. 

[invalidusername]

Hey Lovey,

 

Wish I was awake at that time to have done my best to comfort you... but you can see we are all here for you. 

 

Never alone. Not forgetting that everyone still has these days from time to time, which is what I am struggling with. A perfect life is not a normal life!

[Lovey]

Thanks you three. It means the world having support and understanding. I'm endeavoring to find a ladies Bible group or fellowship at my church. I think that will help a lot. I have been dealing with excruciating dental pain and had to take amoxicillin for an infection. I'm on the last day of that tomorrow. It noticably affects my mood negatively when I take the amoxicillin. I feel sadness and depressed. Some suicidal thoughts. I am against taking antibiotics unless absolutely necessary which was the case here. Had a seriously bad infection. Had a root canal on Friday. I require double the Novocaine most people do. That in itself leaves me extra groggy and affected poorly not to mention the turmoil of the dental surgery itself. Three shots...etc etc. My mouth and gums are so tender still and teeth uncomfortable...I have a lot more dental work ahead of me too. Two more root canals, periodontal root lengthening on one of those and 11 smaller cavities!! Yes eleven. At least he said. Unbelievable!!! I am a good brusher and flosser. It's crazy.

[Lovey]

I had two dentists from different practices verify that number of cavities so I am not being taken advantage of. Some people are dishonest. I have found a good dentist whom I like and trust.
I am going to be getting an evaluation from a functional neurologist. Insurance does not cover. This Dr. works with traumatic brain injury recovery. I think this is the root of my dysfunctional things happening with my sensory overload and many other things I can talk about another day. Some us PTSD, some is head and brain impact trauma. I have both. We are going to work together to rehabilitate my brain function! It is exciting, a bit scary, and also very expensive. I will be seeing a traditional neurologist end of September also to see what he has to say.

I'm addition to this, I have a raging case of hives!! I ate a bag of potato chips which contained maltodextrin which is a terrible food additive and my skin has been very very angry. I had a really bad mood downturn too which took days to wear out. The hives are under my arms, the armpits are fully red and taper down a little to the tricep area. The g.p. thought it was fungal. Gave me an oral pill for skin yeast infection and topical Nystatin which seems to actually make it worse. I will absolutely Not take benedryl ever. Maybe another class of antihistamine if you all have a suggestion. Maybe Zyrtec? I may break down and go to the dermatologist. Oy vey!