2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Ah no - not you now... the depression is doing the rounds again! How strange that it goes from that feeling you were having with the music to the wave of depression. But great that music can have that effect on you now. I often find that with music. Whether it is because I deal with sound interpretation in my studies I don't know, but it certainly can have a wonderful feeling. 

 

And just an hour on insta!! Well done man. That's the stuff. 

 

Really sorry that this depression has come for you after all this lovely stuff. It is no respecter of time or circumstance. It just happens doesn't it?! I sincerely hope it gave you a break today. How are you doing with the wellies? Is the knee/ankle pain still as present as it was? I am still playing it careful with my knees. I did a 20 minute walk earlier and my left knee was just starting to feel a bit off, so an improvement. But I am not going to chance running yet - even though I have the right footwear. I think I need to give it at least another couple of weeks. Having said that, I have lost 1.5kg in the last 2 weeks through diet alone! And not much change in that. I am shocked that I still have similar levels of energy, but I am going through nuts and dried fruit like a bloody squirrel

 

Ah yes - the Summerand awaits. On my walk I was looking up skyward and thinking where is it? How far away is it? It could be right here and because it is on another vibration, we cannot see any of it! It could be so close! 

 

I have left the plans in God's hands. I woke up today and just let it be. And you know what - there was no dread! And even the depression has gone by around 75% I'd say. No idea how something like that can happen overnight, but it just proved to me that I am not going back to where I was 10 months ago! I can get around this! 

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement. Can't be said enough. Oh, and started a new fairy tale last night. It is for kids around 4-9 years!! LOL. It is great. I can get so lost in it. It is all about a flying chair that goes to all these far off places in the clouds. There are all these magical folk and strange and wonderful animals. Just what I need!!

 

Oh and I also got my car back to the place that did the wrapping before COVID and they are correcting their mistakes where it didn't look quite right. So that is a real positive. Should be all done tomorrow, so I can be looking forward to that when I wake... I really need to keep my positive focus going and just let the depression be as you say.

 

Much love brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ahh brother well done!!! Amazing stuff! That was awe inspiring to read! How you are just letting things be and putting things in God's hands!! I am so happy to see this helping you! I know for me it has been transformative and so it warms my heart to hear of you seeing a similar impact after all this work you have put in!! Such positive energy to your post brother!! Wonderful just wonderful! In the circumstances you are facing it is an incredible feat to keep positive and spreading the love!! I really hope you are immensely proud of yourself, you certainly should be!! I am so so proud of you myself brother!! 

 

Yeah it was a wonderful afterglow from the music! I feel I am more able to channel my spiritual self into the music now, and I think the more easy it becomes for me to listen to music, this will continue I hope. It all really depends on the state I am in. Some days music can leaving me feeling quite flat and empty, my brain chemicals just don't react but some days it just clicks and I feel amazing! But that night was the best I felt yet from music i think, or at least right up there!! 

 

Talking of music I listened to some last night and it really helped my depression, which was nice! I think I chose the artists well. Sometimes when I am depressed and I listen to music it seems to make me feel even more low and despondent. Especially if it is more upbeat stuff, but last night I listened to some Elliot Smith which is pretty chilled and then Jeff Buckley for the first time in years! I forgot how much I loved him!! His voice is otherworldly man! Just insane! Honestly like hearing an angel sing! 24 hours on and I still feel in shock! What a gift wow!! So sensitive and pure as well!! When you hear a voice that beautiful it is a message from God I feel! I feel in awe of his creation in moments like that! 

 

Today has been ok, not really had any depression thankfully! Just went to the field and had a time on my spot. Then I had to post a poem as someone on insta had sent me prompt and it had to be submitted today. So I had to think up something last night and when I was in the field and then type it up! I was about to post and realised I had done a typo in the poem, so I had to re-do everything!! So that took ages!! Ended up having a really late lunch and a very late siesta! Different creative process for me to have a deadline but I enjoyed it! Normally everything is very intuitive for me but it is nice sometimes to have some structure. 

 

I have my physio tomorrow morning! She is coming at 2!! So I have to be up at 1 40!! For lockdown me that is very very early!! But she is going away for two weeks so it is important to see her! Will try and go to bed after this! My timings really are all over the place at the moment but I am just being self compassionate and just laughing it off! I am trying my best and that is all I can do! If I stress too much over it, it will make things worse! 

 

I still need to get some trainers, so yes wellies at the moment! Not ideal at all! So need to sort out ordering these new trainers ASAP! My foot feels a better though so that is pleasing! I really think it might have been some weird withdrawal side effect! 

 

Really pleased to hear your knee is feeling a bit better! Very wise of you to take it easy and be cautious, but great it seems to be improving!! Delighted to hear that! And congratulations on your weight loss man! And wonderful your energy levels are the same!! Soon you will be eating like me LOL!!! Amazing how much an influence diet can make! People really need to be educated about diet! 

 

Ah man fantastic news about your car!! How exciting!! That is really something to look forward to! And that fairytale sounds brilliant! I love children's books! One called the 'Le Petit Prince', a french book! It is wonderful! I often think of it!! So happy they can provide such escapism for you!! 

 

Again so so proud and in awe of you brother! That message had so much positive energy and it was wonderful to feel that!! Keep it up!! You are doing incredible, utterly incredible!! Just keep focusing on the positivity and the Summerland!!! And I 100% agree it could be close to us!!

 

Thank you for all the good vibes brother!!! I will keep praying!! 

 

So much love!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Really feel like I am coming back from a long hard day at work to a comfortable place when I get here and send my post to you. It is a good place to be.

 

That first paragraph was lovely for you to say. I will be honest, I was convinced that I was back down the proverbial deep hole with the mood, thinking it would be a good few months to come back out, but somehow I found a way. I need to have more faith in this stuff. And make no mistake as I have said before, you are a big part of this.

 

Very strange what is happening with the music, but a good thing all the same. As I said, music can be a wonderful thing and a healing medium too - just like you say about your depression. You find the right genre, the right style and it can be amazing what it can do. 

 

Had to listen to Elliot Smith - very much a Simon and Garfunkel thing going on there - its nice stuff. Voices can be truly amazing, which is why a lot of my research centres around them. There is so much that we are missing from them. As I said, they can be used to heal in far more ways that we currently let them.

 

Well done on the poem, but careful not to get too close with the perfection - typos happen!! LOL

 

So how did the physio go? That is a very early time for you to be up and about, but hopefully it was worth it.

 

Today was very busy. Had the potential to be very stressful, but I did all I could to keep things slow. I have downloaded an app which makes a noise every hour that I then stop everything and have 10 deep breaths - regardless of what I am doing. I might up that to every 30 minutes. I am sure it will help.

 

I woke up to two clients going crazy of system malfunctions - both blaming me of course. So fortunately the car was ready early and I was out to sort both clients out which took about 4 hours. Sucks when there is no money in it. Got home and sorted emails and returned calls and just sat down to eat and Mrs Scrat came into the room and was hysterical. Properly gone. Tears everywhere, holding her head, not able to speak. Her father had just died.

 

I couldn't console her at all. My parents came down and we did all we could - hence my late appearance here. Obviously need to be there for her, but at the same time, need to care for myself too. Going to be a juggling act. But with her dad only being 52, it was a huge shock. They aren't sure quite what caused it, but more news should follow.

 

Will explain more tomorrow, but doing all the stuff I can with love. Difficult times, but as we have seen, we can get through them...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I am so so sorry to hear about the passing of your wife's father. I am happy he can journey to the Summerland, but my heart hurts for your wife. I will pray for her and am sending her all my love! We must trust God and let love lead us in these moments! My dad had a good friend who passed away today as well, so it was on my mind, the moving on to next chapter! Bless your wife's fathers soul! May he feel pure joy at his union with God! So much love to her and her family! Plus of course to you brother!! 

 

I have completely messed my timings AGAIN!!! I have no idea what is going on! I think a combination of basically still being in lockdown here in the country and the added traffic on ista putting me in new waters! I think one of the problems is I get a buzz of working (which is for me the insta, I see it as work) and I have sort of become addicted to the hustle! I am always pushing myself and I get an adrenaline boost from it all! It is a bit of drug! It is not so much social media addiction but more a work addiction. I not addicted to the social media aspect of it as much as I am addicted to the feeling of putting in the work. Sort of get in a bubble. Like when I had to write a poem in one night and afternoon and then I get an instant reaction to it! So it really hits the reward centre of the brain and thus encourages me to keep pushing so I can feel that sense of satisfaction and drive. I still have A HUGE amount of trauma to deal with over my current disability and to find something I can actually DO, of course I am going to throw myself into it! I have been not working for almost 9 years, so finally I can do something resembling work! 

 

I will find a balance, I'm not worried at all, but right now is just the moment of adjusting to a new reality, adjusting to a new phase in my life. So mistakes are going to happen and I am 100% at ease with that. So while my timings are shocking at the moment, I am not angry or upset about it, just accepting and forging and forward looking! 

 

Also I haven't left this house or been in a car once in basically 4 MONTHS!!!!! That is weird!!! I am too weak to go shopping and we don't go out otherwise! So I have no need to go out ever!! Really really weird! Everything virtual as well! Of course that is going to mess with my equilibrium! 

 

So I better head to bed as football tomorrow! Plus i had to get up SO SO early for me!! Man it was tough!! I felt horrific to be honest! I got under 7 hours sleep, which isn't enough at all. Felt fragile and vulnerable and also just really grumpy! I SO wanted to stay in bed man!! I tried my best with the physio to be in a state of love but I really felt in a foul state when I woke!! Not felt that grumpy FOR AGES!!! I hate feeling like that. Just highlights the state of inner peace amongst the chaos I normally luckily feel. 

 

'Really feel like I am coming back from a long hard day at work to a comfortable place when I get here and send my post to you. It is a good place to be.' - Just exactly how I feel brother!! Couldn't have put it better!

 

That app sound awesome brother! Fantastic stuff! And great you have the car back!! Sorry about the crazy clients but at least it meant you got out of the house I guess!! 

 

Again so much love to your wife and her family! Keep love at your core brother, let love guide you! You are safe in God's hands! 

 

So proud of how you are doing brother!! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

My wife thanks you dearly for your words. As soon as we had the news, my parents came down and that really helped her as of course, she doesn't have any other family over here in the UK... so to have parent figures was a big thing to help her.

 

Crikey - and your dad's friend too. Bless him. Must be tough for your dad is he hasn't been able to see his friend due to cv as well. 

 

I knew you had messed your timings up because I was awake until 5.30am and still nothing from you - I thought I would check! So yes my timing was right off too yesterday. I just couldn't sleep until much later. May have been all the drama of the evening - don't know. But the strangest thing... for the first time in MONTHS, I had a dreamless sleep. I cannot remember the last time that happened. It was really nice as I woke to a fresh head. Nothing to jolt me, or get me thinking as soon as I came to. So very very strange. Will see what happens tonight. Maybe it was the delay? Might be worth an experiment, but not tonight as I am knackered!

 

Yes! All the adrenaline is a drug! I have the work addiction too. It is the reward thing as you say. But seriously, you need to be careful as you can so easily burn yourself out. You know how easily I do it. You could get the same thing even from the poetry. It will keep calling you, but its the BALANCE brother!! Remember, we need to keep reminding ourselves about this all the time.

 

I got an app for my phone called BlipBlip. It is very simple. It just makes a little noise at given intervals - every hour, every 30 mins, every 7 mins - anything. Then you tell it when the "quiet time" is and off you go. Quite sure I mentioned this yesterday - I did didn't I!! Anyway.. I have it every hour and today, every time it went off, I stopped whatever it was I was doing and took 10 long deep breaths. Some times it really helped and when I returned to what I was doing, I slowed down and felt much better. Other times, it was difficult to stop and I felt anxious just to be getting on with stuff. I could so easily of just said "in a minute" and forgotten, or just just let that one go, but that is not the point. Obey the little noise!! Will report back on how it goes....

 

Can't remember when I last had to get up early, but I really feel sorry for you man. Of course you will be grumpy!! LOL. Don't feel guilty - we'd all be the same, it is just that other people don't give us quite the same compassion just because we have some weird-ass nocturnal disorder. Well done for trying to approach the day with love at that point. 

 

Right, need to unwind. I did a fair bit of work today. I had intended on washing the car, but it was just so so hot down here. I cannot do the heat whatsoever, so I stayed in. Feeling quite edgy - think it is largely the weather and not being able to let some energy off and do what I wanted. Still - time for my children's book now!!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Feeling ok but pretty fatigued and flat! Got up and watched the second half of the football and then just sort of been resting as best as possible! Just not feeling creative or energised at all! Just a bit burnt out really! Had a lot of admin on insta to do! I thought I would be able to fit a short session in but new things just kept popping up!! Really need to work on my discipline! I did one hour on it last week, so I know I can do it!! Got a headache tonight as well! I've had so many exposures these last few months - 1st video calls, then seeing a friend in the flesh, my cousins coming over and having the party, the instagram growing and me posting more often, watching the football with my brother and dad. It's great but I am finding it more hard to just unwind, as I am so addicted to adrenaline of the exposures! I am fine in the mornings. I can be very calm in the field but in the evenings I just seem to get jittery and feel like a junkie in need of a kick!! I have been reading so so slowly for a good while now! I will sit and try and read and then just stare into space!! Just don't seem to be able to concentrate! It wasn't like this a month ago or so, as I was reading a lot then but now I just can't get into headspace! A combination of the insta and the exposures I think!

 

You are spot on about the BALANCE!!! Thank you for that brother!!

 

Great you had a clear night sleep with no dreams! Fascinating! Let me know how that develops! But really happy to hear that!

 

That app sounds great man! Deep breathing is so transformative!! Great reminder for me to read that!! It helps me keep calm and keep my composure in stressful moments so much! 

 

Sorry about the weather being too hot, it was boiling yesterday down here!! I hope you enjoyed your book and I will be praying for your sleep! Plus of course your wife and her family! 

 

Got a big headache here, but will TRY and get some reading in!! LOL!! 

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless!

[fishinghat]

BlipBlip, great move!!

[invalidusername]

BlipBlip, great move!!

 

I highly recommend it. I need to learn to take breaks between things. 

 

When I have difficultly calming, it means I have already gone too far, which means I need to bring the intervals of BlipBlips further together. The plan is that eventually I will be doing it without prompt.

[fishinghat]

The use of pattern breaks are one of the things my psychologist first taught me. As you practice you will develop an almost intuitive feeling that you need to take a break. For me it is when I start to hurry or short cut what I am working on.

[invalidusername]

That is exactly what I hope to achieve Hat - a greater sense of when I am going over the top so it never gets to the point where I burn out.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Well as you can see from the time - I am waaaay off, so will need to be brief as still yet to have supper and get reading and meditation in somehow. 

 

I really think your system is adjusting to this new pace of life you are living. The same thing I went thru. Still learning now 10 months in! But the fact that you say you are finding it difficult to unwind says a lot. That is when you know you going a little bit overboard. Remain mindful and you will know when to slow it down. 

 

I'm telling you this app is great and is already making a difference. I didn't find it nearly as difficult to stop when the blip went off. Just looking at what Hat wrote is encouraging that this is similar advice given by the professionals.

 

Unfortunately, the dreams came back again last night - so would appear that it was a one off. A real shame - but these things can't go on forever - big picture and all that!

 

Eyes are already starting to close - this is nuts - still much to do!! 

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother SNAP!!!!! My timings today were truly truly nuts!!! Slept 10 hours and got up at 5 40pm!!! Then got up from my siesta at 12 15 am!!! Then had my supper at 3 30 am!! Such such a weird day! The upshot is I only went on insta for about 40 minutes! So that is pleasing! Plus I had a wonderful spiritual experience in the field! Just wonderful! It was about 6 30 ish, so sunny but not too hot and I just clicked into this gorgeous state of consciousness!! Plus guess who is back??? 12 sheep man!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! But no little lambs this time!!! I fear the worst for them! 

 

I have therapy tomorrow morning and feel I need to wind down right now! So so sorry for being short tonight! Just a super weird day!! LOL!! 

 

I hope you were able to shut down a bit and also I am so pleased to hear how much the add is helping!!!

 

I am praying for as always!! 

 

Love you brother! 
 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Well I have properly done it this evening!! A whole four hours behind! Problem is that I need to get up early for therapy - she had to move this week as a one-off. I am going to be shattered getting up in time for it - and therapy of all things!

 

What on earth is going on with us!!

 

Great to hear about your spiritual moment in the field. These seem to be getting more and more closer together. Just imagine these happening once or twice a day - how amazing would that be?!

 

Very sorry for the messing up and resultant short message, but before I go, I found something earlier that I just had to send you;

 

https://i.pinimg.com...5bc6ab18346.jpg

 

Just replace the dog with LDN!!! LOL

 

That would be bliss for you!

 

Right - time to chill otherwise I won't be sleeping at all. Catch up more tomorrow

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! SNAP AGAIN!!!!! I completely messed up again tonight and feel I need to unwind before since I had to get up early for therapy! What is happening with us LOL!!! So sorry!!

 

Oh I love that picture!!!! LOL!!! My dream!!! 

 

Therapy went well but the problem is I have SO much to talk about in just 50 minutes!! I told her today I got do 5 sessions a week and have enough things to talk about LOL!!! 

 

Really hope tomorrow therapy goes well! 

 

I am praying as always brother!! 

 

I love you brother!! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Bit better timing this evening, but a REALLY busy day. Tomorrow I need to compensate for that. I was also awake for therapy early this morning but went OK. But got ringing in the ears and that is one of my early signs that I need to calm it down - even with my hourly breathing. But it all makes sense to be taking time out as we just run out otherwise.

 

Have a nice little story about that... which you may or may not have heard...

 

There were these two woodcutters, went off together to gather some wood. They both started out climbing the tree and sawing off branches at a time. The first guy noticed the second guy climb down mid-morning and have his coffee for a few minutes, but the guy thought "I'm not stopping, I want to get my money's worth" and just kept going. 

 

Then it came to lunch, and again the second guy climbed down the tree to sit down and eat and drink again. But again, the second guy thought... no, I want to carry on and do as much as I can.

 

A final mid-afternoon break, the same until it came to the end of the day.

 

When they compared what they had gathered, the first guy noticed that the second guy had more wood! He turned to the guy and said "how the bloody hell have you got more wood than me - I saw you stop twice for coffee, and also stop for lunch when I just carried on!! It's not possible!".

 

The second guy turned to him and said, "what you saw was me eating and drinking, but what you DIDN'T see was that I was sharpening my saw each time I stopped".

 

Great little anecdote I think, and the importance of taking a breather, regardless of how you feel.Thought you might enjoy that.

 

Right - need to rest, but should be back on form tomorrow and get back to my proper replies! Always continuing prayers for you brother, along with our dear Gailage - wherever she may be and whatever she may be doing.

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ah I love that anecdote brother! So powerful! Thank you so much for sharing that!! 

 

So today was ok. Had a decent sleep and woke up feeling a bit lethargic. But went to the field and saw the sheep and said my prayers. Then I had some birthday presents, which actually went ok, even though I hate celebrating my birthday. It was a few days ago and honestly I would have had no idea unless my family mentioned it. It means nothing to me to be honest LOL!! I am very much a kill joy!! I mean 27 or 28 what the difference? I just feel uncomfortable celebrating it, always have. Never had parties or anything like that. Anyway really did feel up to it but found some energy! To be fair I knew everything I was getting, as I had ordered it LOL!! Just basically books! I did get 2 books from my aunt and my cousins, which both look interesting and were surprises. Books on spirituality or poetry. 

 

Then I managed to get my timings a bit more in order and so that was pleasing. Got my siesta in earlier. 

 

Feel really flat right now to be honest. I listened to music last 2 nights and often after music nights I feel flat the next night. Really get this sort of junkie feeling of wanting a kick, a rush. I think probably a combination of withdrawal and the intensity of exposures recently and all the hard work I have been doing. I have a lot of rushes, so feel flat without them. I need to adjust to this. I am finding it more hard to wind down in the evenings at the moment. Just feel edgy but also feel tired. I don't feel it too much in the day but at night I am really getting it! 

 

Happy therapy went well!

 

I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow and get some good rest in! Keep up the great work man! Will be praying!! 

 

Love you and God Bless!!

[LDN]

To dear Gail!! My Princess! 

 

I am praying and sending so much love!!! I know you are safe in God's hands!

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Well as you can see - 11.30pm - I am back on course! Bit more of an easier day today. Ears are still ringing a bit, and bit of fatigue, but overall things are good.

 

The wife scared the s**t out of me shortly after I woke. She started going hysterical and having a really bad panic attack. She was trying to explain through her short breaths and was saying, I don't feel I am in my body, the world feels removed from me... what is going on!

 

"Oh that... its only a bit of derealisation" I said

 

She's never had it before, so had to understand that the first time you have it, it is really scary - so good thing I was there to explain. Lasted about half hour - some people get all the luck... pffff LOL

 

So.. the sheep are back?! You said you saw sheep!! And glad you managed a decent sleep - that would have helped what with all the crazy stuff going on for you lately. I hope to follow suit myself tonight. 

 

I totally understand about your birthday brother, so whilst I am clearly glad you made it through another year - like you say, it is just another day. I am exactly the same. I won't begrudge anyone for wishing me a happy birthday, but it means nothing to me. But as you are uncomfortable we won't dwell on it - but all the same, a good excuse of nothing else to extend your book collection!

 

On way to look at the flat feeling is that is it one step better than the depression that has been over you for the last few evenings. I often see it the same way as you. You get addicted to doing work and "normal things" and you want more, but also need to take time out - and it is the time out that you feel is not "normal" - other people don't do it - I should be doing more of the same. But it is not so!! Normal people do take time out. I need to remember that office workers may do 9-5, but they have coffee breaks and often an hour for lunch... and then they forget about it all when they go home. So I am frequently doing more. My previous therapist made me see that. Still not easy to balance, but feeling wired at this time of the evening isn't a good thing and I want to be winding down. So that is why I bought lunch forward to 7pm, a deadline for work at 11pm - which is when I come to the forum - and then relax before supper at 12.30am (instead of what was often 2am) meaning I get my reading and meditation in.

 

Well that is the plan at least!! Prayers for keeping me on that straight and narrow needed I think!!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I got a nasty headache right now. So often seems to the case in the evenings recently. Unfortunately last night the depression got pretty nasty. Worst it has been for a while. I think I dealt with it well though. Just keeping calm and letting it be. I felt so flat it sort of morphed into a depression. This epic feeling of emptiness. Then I sort of felt really depressed in my sleep, if that makes any sense. I can't remember my dream but all I know is I was half conscious of feeling really depressed while I was sleeping. I had the feeling of having forgotten all my skills and teachings and thinking to myself 'what am I meant to do!'. Then I woke and was obviously really relieved!! It just shows how important these techniques I have picked up are! The moment I woke it made me realise how are reactions are so so important to the experience of depression. If you freak out and panic like I was in my dream then it is a totally different kettle of fish! Our reactions are something we change, whereas our chemistry is out of our hands, so it is positive really that they can make such a difference! 

 

Then it was the last day of the season in the football today. But I got my timings wrong (AGAIN LOL!!!!!!!!!!!) and this meant I had my sleep through the whole game. Thankfully it wasn't too exciting and now we are in the play-offs which means a further 2 games, potentially 3 games. So it worked out fine me missing out tonight! Though when I woke up everything was so hectic as I watched the last few minutes of the game, with all the other results coming in, that it was a bit stressful. Waking up and not having a chance to take stock for a few minutes. 

 

Earlier I had gone in the field for about 30 minutes. Yeah there are now 12 sheep back in the field. But no more lambs unfortunately! These are old! Seem very calm and at ease! Not sure how long they will last in the field but I will enjoy observing them for sure!! 

 

Crickey this is a bad headache! 

 

Really pleased your day was easier brother! Great to hear! And really well done on the timings!! Massive congrats!! That is a great effort and really not easy AT ALL! At least for me, it isn't LOL!! 

 

 

You are completely right about the balance and it will come, but still just adapting to so much change. The instagram extra work load, friends messages, the football coming back, my knee, trying to sort out benefits! So much to think about right now! The work on the instagram really is like a job, as my sister was telling me today. She has to do a lot of that too for her work and said she sees it as a job. Plus putting in the hours does pay off, as I have seen. It is case of learning on the job. Plus i have the pressure of having to always come up with new work, even though what I am posting is mostly old stuff, I need a good backlog of stuff, in case I get a period of writers block!! Which has happened before! Plus the trainers I ordered don't fit!!! So that is the second pair I am having to send back!!! Plus they only have one post a weak in the village!! So I have to wait till next Wednesday!! So got to get all that sorted! No wonder I have a headache right now LOL!!! 

 

I hope you had a nice evening of reading and meditation brother! Plus I hope you have another good day tomorrow! 

 

Love you brother and God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Sorry - I spoke too soon about the flatness and depression. Well done for letting it be - I am really trying to take a leaf out of your book with this stuff. And flat morphing into depression sounds very familiar - but it has to go one way! 

 

I can understand also about the sleep as it is EXACTLY what I have. It is like you are almost awake by the way that it affects you. I wake and it would be great to just shrug it off thinking "hey ho, its just a dream..", but sometimes I just cannot do that at all. Last night saw the return of just that, but for me it is stress rather than depression. The dreams are so weird as well. They make no sense whatsoever. One minute I am looking at someone stuck up a tree, and then the next I am running away from the Police because they are confusing me with a murderer, and then I am in some old scrapyard. That was just part of last night. So running away from the fuzz is obviously stressful, but the other stuff gets me stressed too. I remember the scrapyard was this horrible down and out, really low, dark place that no-one would ever want to be. Sort of how you might describe the area of the house when you lost your cigarettes that time.

 

Yes, some of the things are out of our hands - and there is some great posting going on with MX and Frog;

 

https://www.cymbalta...ggling/?p=94344

 

Great that there are some sheep back, but yes, they will have had their little ones separated - poor things. I had the pleasure of going out to the sticks today to see a client that was COVID hibernating for the last 4 months. It was very strange after so long to be back to what I was doing, but I had to wear a mask for about 80 minutes and that gave me a nasty headache. It was humid and although I was chugging water, it didn't help. Hope you had a rest from the headaches today.

 

But I have also been quite flat today - fortunately it hasn't got beyond that, but I worry for an onset of my not-so-good days coming around prematurely. I have had 8 good days in a row which is great, and I am always hoping for more, but what with the passing of the wife's father, issues with work and overdoing it for the first 2 days of the week, it might be due. I am really trying man, but these things just continuing coming at me and I have to deal with them. It is like I say in the above post, anyone in my situation would have the same. I can only go through so many days of this before my body will have had enough. I just don't know what to do about it. Not that there is anything I can do about it. I just wish that the wife would respond to some help.... this cannot be the rest of my life.

 

Anyway - need to take advantage of another night of being on time and get some more reading and meditation under my belt!

 

And you really only get one post delivery a week to the village?! Seriously?! That is nuts in this day and age!!!

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! My day was ok. Didn't sleep great which was weird, since I usually sleep so well. Then I went to the field for a bit and said my prayers and then the usual. Just a standard day. The dominating thing at the moment is this tired and wired. Depression and anxiety might come and go a bit, but I have felt almost constantly for a while now this edgy feeling but also flat. Really annoying but it could be worse for sure! 

 

Must admit my head is a bit empty tonight so really sorry about that brother! I have mentioned before it these massive exposures I have recently been doing have got me addicted to that buzz. For me there is nothing like doing an exposure. You just get such a huge buzz and rush from it! It is literally manifesting your dreams! You are doing things you thought you may never do! I've had the instagram, the friends from school, being in the country for 4 months (!!), my cousins coming over, just so much change since lockdown kicked in! I has been crazy man! I've not been out of London this long since I was 17 brother!! Over 10 years!! And yet I have taken it in my stride so well! I have barely even realised what an exposure it is! So I am in this period of growth and it is hard for me to settle with all this transformation going on! I have had some gorgeous states of consciousness as well. Plus connecting with other liked minded souls on instagram! Just so much to take in and going on, plus the withdrawal added in! 

 

I am really sorry to hear about your sleep man! Just one night was awful for me, so I feel for you so much to have that regularly! It really sets the tone for the morning doesn't it? It takes you time to adjust to normalcy once you wake! The least you need! 

 

Brother as you wrote you have so much going on, you are doing truly an incredible job right now! Seriously from the outside watching how you have done this lockdown has been extraordinary!! Truly!! I have been so inspired and in awe! Just keep up that positive mentality you have fostered!! Focus on what you can control and just let go of what you can't! It was such a joy to me to see you reach such a positive mental place! And it will only get better and better! Just keep watering the positive seeds in your mind, not the negative ones! We have only a finite amount of energy, so have to put that energy into positivity. This will in turn lead to more positivity as our days will be better, so it a sort of domino effect of positive energy! Plus remember the self compassion! You have done superb and I really hope you can feel such pride at yourself!! You deserve to!! I am so so proud brother!!! SO PROUD! 

 

I hope you had a nice evening with the meditation and reading! I will keep you informed on the sheep!

 

I must say they are very very cool customers, these ones! So so chilled!! Really fantastic energy to feed of!! I know i joked about 'sheep consciousness' before, LOL, but I am really starting to think more and more about it! I often tell myself be like the sheep! LOL!! They are just chilling and taking life easy and cracking on with their job at hand which is eating grass! No drama, no stress! They just get on with it! They walk around so leisurely, there are never in a rush! Everything in their own time! Just taking everything in! Really really good energy I get from them! 

 

So much love and you are doing a cracking job!!! Please know that brother!! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I've crashed again  

 

Had really bad stressful dreams and just couldn't shake it. Then the wife told me that we were out of tea - about the only thing she is "in charge" of. That just did it for me. I am SICK of all this responsibility. I asked her is she remembered to take her pill - she didn't. And it's not like people can say "just let her get on with it and be responsible for herself", because if I did that, there would be even more stress. I am honestly so tired of this same mess coming around every few days. I am stuck in this cycle and there is no way out!

 

I told her that stress is not good for a 40-something with apparent high cholesterol... I don't think she realises quite what this is doing to me. I took some "K" shortly after waking which of course helped for a couple of hours, but then things peaked around 5pm and I spent about 2 hours shaking from all the stress. I remember thinking at the time that there is no way out of this and that really scared that crap out of me. 

 

She is supposed to start her therapy next week, so there is a lot riding on that now. She has already been on the blower to the Crisis team twice when I have been out because she was feeling suicidal. That much is good to know insomuch that she is taking responsibility there. But it never stops when I am at home - the sighs, the body language and the only conversation is "I am so tired of life", "I cannot take this depression any more", "I'm taking another Valium". That is all I hear. I wish I had the money to send her somewhere that people are able to sort this sort of behaviour.

 

My apologies, but this has gone on far too long enough by half. I have been given an opportunity to get things back to normal, but I am tied to the wife with a massive elastic band that keeps me pulled in, so I can never escape from it all...

 

Your words really helped me this morning to know that someone can see and understand what it is I am having to endure on a daily basis. Thank you so much for what you wrote. You have no idea how much it helps pull me together on mornings like this.

 

Anyway - on to these exposures you mentioned. Very glad that you are seeing these for yourself. The four months down in the country is a HUGE thing. Whilst others will say that it must be so great, they don't realise the unsettling that this causes you, the lack of normality. You are right that it is a massive undertaking. And then going back to London will be another exposure in itself. Just like everyone going back to their old ways will be. Everyone has been doing something totally different for 4 months, and now are having to come out of it and once again adapt. So for normal people this is an exposure, so for you... it is on a whole other level. 

 

LOL - we have much to learn from sheep... from animals in general. But we always forget that time is a man-made thing - bound to earth. None of that stuff in the Summerland. It will take some getting used to for sure. But it does make sense. We are beings of energy and that energy is constantly flowing, so we do not need to stop and "recharge". I have this wonderful meditation that walks around this sort of Hall of Wisdom like I imagine are in the Summerland. Amazing architecture. It speaks of ceilings as high as the clouds and crystal everywhere, down to the marble flooring. I like to think that I can see this building from my home up there. I am yet to decide what is in this building - would be wonderful to get my dreams back to those that would take me to these places.

 

Right - need to keep the meditation up if I am to get out of these horrible dreams. Don't know why it didn't help last night as I did a fair bit of reading too. Maybe there was just too much stored away in my subconscious...

 

Much love man...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so sorry to hear about your day! As I say I am constantly in awe of you and just blown away really!! Unreal! You are a special being my friend! I said it before CHRIST CONSCIOUSNESS! You are an example of it here on earth! Unfortunately I never met Jesus but with you I see his energy channeled to me! It is a joy to experience! You must be aware brother of this amazing light you give off! From inside it can be difficult to see but from the outside i can tell you, you are on a higher plane! So much compassion and kindness and love in your soul! Not a coincidence I feel so good after reading and writing to you! You give off such light and higher vibrations! You have a gift my brother! 

 

But it is so tough for you, so so tough! But please know i see you and see you for what you are!! You are doing Jesus so so proud brother! Never forget this! So you are making the world such a better place! 

 

You are doing so well to keep up your positive mentality! Keep going! Keep loving! Nothing but respect from me! And admiration! Remember this is all part of the bigger picture! We must trust in God's plan for us, our plan for us! Trust in the plan and all will be well brother! What is waiting for us in the Summerland is beyond our wildest dreams! So so much joy is coming! In those little moments we taste it and that is only for a few seconds and it is mind blowing - so imagine it full time!!!! I try and always bring myself back to that bigger picture as much as possible! All will well in the end! All will be so beautiful! This is just a HUMAN EXPERIENCE!! 

 

I am like you a bit worn out! Bad timings again!!! LOL!!!! Deary me brother!! Did have a nice time in the field with the sheep! They came up nice and close! I was praying for you and suddenly noticed they were right by me!! It was beautiful! So I think it was a sign they are sending you their love!! It was so funny as one of them was chomping away and looked up at me with a mouth full of grass, all sticking out!! It had this funny expression on it's face! I wish I could have taken a photo! The downside to the sheep being back is the field is starting to get covered in poo again!!! LOL!! Great! And on my spot as well!!! But I will take it! 

 

Stay strong brother and remember life is always in flux! Nothing stays the same! Everyday is we are reborn, every second we are reborn! I try and just let go and be free and think of the Summerland!

 

You are doing so so well brother! Remember that! So so proud of you!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless! 

[gail]

Thank you everyone, this us gails daughter, se is not frelons toô hot, shé loves you all, thank you for the prayers and shé will be thinking of you all upstairs, special Kiss to London and scrat. Love Gail xoxo

[fishinghat]

Oh thank you so much for posting. We really appreciate the update. We all love her so much as well.

[invalidusername]

Indeed - thank you so much for the post and just as Hat said, we all love her so much and prayers continue every day. 

 

Much lovage Gailage!!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

I've got your headache this evening now!! We are doing so well between us... 

 

Thank you again for such a lovely message. It really lifted me today. Very fortunate that I actually felt a little better when I thought I was going to get to the worst of it. Just shows me that it doesn't always have to be that bad. Was mainly exhaustion today. It is nuts how stress can make you feel so out of it! I had been awake for about 2 hours and I was already falling back to sleep! But I didn't mind. I can easily accept that. 

 

The car is finally going into the garage to get a load of bits done. I have re-built half an engine in the hallway of the flat over the last 6 months, and it will be fitted next week, along with a new clutch. I am very excited, but it is quite a journey to get there. Don't know if you can remember from last Christmas when I was last there as a bit of an exposure. But I had to get this half-engine down 4 floors and into the car which was not easy I can tell you! I was lucky enough to have a neighbour help me out. But after I did that, I had to lay down for about 20 minutes. Normally I would be fine, but the exhaustion was really getting to me. 

 

But I have to get up early on Monday to get the car and parts there, so I took all the parts to my parents as they are taking the parts for me, and then filled up with fuel, so all I have to do on Monday is drive. Taking as much stress out as possible. 

 

So the sheep are sending me their love too!! Great! Lovely that they are giving the gift of poo again too

 

Well done for getting to the field thou whilst being worn out. It never ceases to amaze me that whatever state you are in, you are always making that journey to your spot in the field. I can understand that it is very special for you and it is great that you have this designated area where you can be still and pray. As I have said before, to join you would be great. I forget how busy life is just outside my window. Even now at nearly midnight I can hear people outside, and that can carry on into the small hours. It would be so nice to be somewhere that I could rely on the quiet. Really makes a difference to the meditation, and this is why I leave it as late as I can as  it will be interrupted by someone shouting or a dog barking. 

 

Have you ever been into the field at the early hours to see the sunrise and to breathe that lovely cool air. I imagine there would be so many different states to be experienced out there! 

 

All this talk of the Summerand makes me miss it. I know we have plans to play out down here... but on days like this, you can't help but wanting to be somewhere - anywhere other than down here!! LOL

 

Thanks again for your wonderful words. Prayers surely made a difference as I didn't expect to be doing anything today. 

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[Lovey]

Hello to all here....thanks to Gail's daughter. Give her my love please! Thinking of her... Praying as well.

[LDN]

Thank you so much for posting! That is so kind of you!

 

We all love you Gail so much!! 

 

Praying will all my heart for you Gail!! 

 

Lots and lots of love to you!! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hi brother! Feeling a bit edgy and weird tonight so might listen to some music. I have two games next week to watch and so i have to start adapting my schedule. It is really going to mess my routine up but will be a big exposure! So so sorry for being short tonight! 

 

So happy to hear you had a decent day! That is fantastic! And brilliant you are all prepared for Monday to minimise the stress! Top stuff man! Again really proud of how you are doing!! 

 

My day was very normal. Woke and then went to the field. It then started to absolutely pour with rain, proper intense stuff. Even under a tree I was getting battered! Was like being out at sea! It was fun but I thought it was wise to not stay out for too long being completely soaked, so came in. Then just the usual. Last night I went to bed insanely late (or early LOL) so that was quite stressful. My timings really have been awful recently, but I am not going to let myself get down on myself when I am doing so well in so many other areas! I need to practice self compassion! But hopefully the matches next week mean my timings get a bit more in order! 

 

Got a headache again tonight!! LOL!! So I am going to wind down brother as really feeling a bit odd! Of course I will be praying with all my heart as usual!! 

 

I hope you have a good Sunday!! And again WELL DONE!!! Please realise how wonderful you are doing!! I hope you have some nice meditation as well!! 

 

I will be praying!!

 

So much love brother! 

 

God Bless!