2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey brother really sorry to hear of this depression! I must say your response sounds spot on! Really spot on! With depression it is about not pouring fuel on the fire if you like. So we can get stressed and start worrying and that is just red meat to the depression, it just feed off it. But if we take it as it comes, just let go and let things be, the depression sort of after a while gets bored and moves on. It is very much like dealing with an aggressive animal, if you prod it or provoke it or scare it, it may attack you. How should we react to a fearful but aggressive animal, we stay calm, we don't start running, we don't provoke it, we take things slow and be present. If we see the depression as a threat and start to run, that is a trigger to the depression. But if we just are still and move slowly and show we are not a threat, the depression doesn't have a stimulus and can't move on. It just about breathing nice and deeply and being present and let it flow take us where it wishes. The more calm and relaxed we are about the presence of the depression, the more transient the experience of it. This at least my experience. Try not to have a velcro reaction but more teflon, don't fight the wave but go with the flow. 

 

I must say it sounds like you reacted superb mate! You managed to do a 90 minute repair, then an hour client, plus then a shop and then the petrol station!! That is a bloody good effort!! I hope you are really really proud of yourself! To wake with horrendous depression and managed a day like that is sensational stuff! Really inspiring!! Make no mistake brother days like the day you had are massive victories! I know having been there how much bravery, desire, positivity and spirit it takes to keep going when you feel such depression! It is a mammoth task! In the Summerland we will look back on days like this as some of our greatest efforts! 

 

Really sorry about your knee brother! Again I can massively relate! My knee is not good at all either. And it really gets to you, really drags you down, really just makes you feel fed up. It knocks the stuffing out of you. Now add in depression and that is a double whammy! So so sorry man. I really hope it can clear up now you have your new trainers and they fit! 

 

I saw the Physio from the village on Wednesday and she did a massage session. My thighs were very very tight. She thinks I have done a muscle in my knee! But hopefully I can see her once a week from now on! Plus because of cv she has to come to our house, which obviously means it works out well with my fatigue! She works at quite a top place in Bath, so really lucky to have her on our doorstep! Hopefully after a few sessions things start to pick up! Also I need to be more disciplined with the stretches she has suggested, plus the icing as well. I have been a bit forgetful with everything going on. She said I will need to go Bath to get my trainers from a specialist store, where they look at how you walk and look closely at your feet etc. She said once you have been, you don't have to keep going back as you know the details of your feet, but still it does not come cheap those shops!! My mum has a very bad knee as well. She has had it since she hurt it climbing Cheddar Gorge last summer. Today she drove up to London with my Dad to have an injection. 

 

So yeah last night I was feeling great and today mostly felt really really good. Just a deep feeling of joy. What was really moving to me was I was saying to my friend what I often say to you, that my physical health is terrible, mental health pretty bad, but my spiritual health is good and that is the most important thing. He was really struck by this and said most people our age these days are maybe physically well, mental health ok, but spiritual health terrible! That was my sort of intuition looking from the outside. Young people are very unhappy these days with this age of vanity, social media, unfulfilling jobs, superficiality. But to hear that from someone who is very much inside that world was really striking to me. Obviously it makes me deeply sad how unhappy young people are, but I do sort of feel I am the lucky one. It was so nice my friend could be so positive about my situation. He even wrote me message later that day saying many people would have gone under with what I have gone through and that it was inspiring to hear me so positive. That really meant a lot to me! The whole day was just such good energy and really gave a lot of hope! Like I said when my cousins came, I feel like 'me' again and that is deeply moving! It is why I am so passionate to say never give up!!! It took me 9 years to get here. Sometimes in life things do take time, but with love anything can happen! 

 

I really hope you have a good day tomorrow brother and again thank you for everything!! Plus again massive congrats on today!! Really inspiring stuff!! 

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement about the depression. For the most part it went today, but was replaced with our old friend mental claustrophobia. I had REALLY bad psychological nightmares; the ones that can seem normal but just have a direct line into your brain where it really troubles you, not frightens... troubles you. So you wake up feeling like you have been through some sort of trauma. But real life trauma. 

 

I had a repair to do which took around two hours and that was it. I had to rest. All I could do was play games on my phone and lay in bed with green tea. Then around 7pm, it really took hold of me. It got to the point I couldn't do anything. The smallest stimulation was too much - as you said before when it has happened - just existing is painful. But existing is the least it can get. So I spend about two hours staring at the wall - too afraid to sleep. I have only just started to snap out of it a bit, but I hate this man. I really do. 

 

I thought today I could get a lot of reading and meditation in, but no chance. Maybe later after my K has kicked in. I must talk to my therapist about this. The same thing has happened four times over now. I get 14-20 days and then.. wham! I'm out cold with depression and mental claustrophobia. It can't go on. It will put my life on hold and I will end up organising everything around when this may or may not happen. 

 

That really was a great description of depression there man - I will add this to my "keepers" in my inbox should I ever need to consult it again. 

 

"The more calm and relaxed we are about the presence of the depression, the more transient the experience of it."

 

Right on. This is exactly what I was thinking. I should look at what I did yesterday with a positive mindset. Despite having all that going on, I still carried on. I wish I could do the same, but as you know, when the mental claus gets THAT bad, there is little all you can do but give in to it. I really wanted to get out for a walk, but I honestly thought I would get lost  or something even in my neighbourhood. I am sure you know what I am talking about.

 

I did try with some meditation, but I was on insight timer and trying to find something, but I just couldn't get it right. "So you have the black dog of depression, your life is so painful right now...", SKIP, "You been through so much, it isn't going to be easy and I don't want to say that it will be..." SKIP... and so on, until I felt so bad I gave in and did a bit of breathing. I am yet to find a meditation that can work for mental claus - if in fact there is one. I suppose it is like what you previously felt about music. I just cannot take that sort of talking when i'm in the mental claus state. It is so mentally painful. I need to escape. Wonder if I am finally feeling what you have felt with music?

 

Good news about the physio man. And the fact that she comes to you! Superb. I have heard of these specialist shops before. Back in "the day" if was much more commonplace. Before we had size charts and so forth, you went to a cobbler and shoes were made for you. Yet today, it is so much of a funny thing. I seem to remember my grandmother, bless her, had some shoes specially made in her later years. But I can well imagine that it will be expensive. For sure. 

 

Sorry to hear about your mum's knee as well. But Cheddar Gorge is quite a climb! Done it many times myself, but the view is well worth it. Like something out of Jurassic Park! But walking up and down gradients can really do damage unless you are used to it, which is why my running was only on flat surfaces. I am going to have to leave the running for a few more days as the injury clearly needs more time. But on the plus side I have lost 1kg in a week! I didn't need to loose weight, but that is obviously the difference in cutting out saturated fats. I think the biggest thing is that I have swapped the chocolate biscuits for dried fruit and nuts. 

 

Am trying to follow in your footsteps about the spiritual health. I can see in you that it can make so much difference when your physical and mental states aren't what they should be. Just for you to be doing what you are and having these moments of joy purely from the spiritual side being as it can be. I am so happy to hear you say that you feel like "you" again after all this time. And your friend is right that plenty would not have made it as far as you. People like you are so rare which is why you are so inspirational. I feel blessed to have you there, to know that things can come through, and for a human to go through what you have been through for 9 years and still be here to pass the tales on to others. As I said, it is only my friend from uni that I have ever seen that in a person before. Seeing her having taken 48 ibuprofen, or bandaged up from too much self-harm. I still wonder to this very day when she bought her house before it all started, that one came up that was 2 minutes walk from the hospital. And for some reason, that was the one she wanted. God works in mysterious ways for sure.

 

Again, I am so glad that you are where you are at the moment and that you can inspire me through my patch of difficulty. The fact that the depression has moved so quickly on to mental claus can only be a good thing. I just hope that means it is on its way out! We shall see. Prayers would be much appreciated to guide me through tomorrow so I can start a new week with new found strength...

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. Really sorry to hear about this mental claustrophobia. As you say it is a positive the depression has moved on though! But this mental claustrophobia is just horrific. I can relate so much. I think I would say my experience is similar to depression in that it something you have to just let be. You can't out run it or fight it. Today was a day off for you anyway, so there is nothing wrong at all with just resting. I appreciate it is not fun at all in your state, in fact it is horrific but I think just resting will have done you some good. 

 

I had a very low key day. I woke and watched the football with my brother and dad. That was pretty fun. Then just literally been reading stuff on my computer. I completely lost track of time on my computer so missed out on my walk completely. It was a pity as I would have liked some fresh air but the weekends are my down time from the insta and exposures, so I allow myself mistakes like that. I lost track of time, ok well it is not the end of the world. I am human and this is a specified day of relaxation. So I didn't beat myself up about it, even though I know it would have done me some real good. Tonight I feel ok, just very tired and lethargic. Pretty flat as well, sort of too tired to really do anything. I mean not just physically but my brain feels so flat and worn out I can't really concentrate on proper reading. Will maybe go and read some poetry. 

 

Yeah man I am more and more seeing that spiritual health is really all that matters. That mean seem a big statement, but if you are in a place of such inner joy and peace and love then why would physical problems or even depression bother you? They are so futile considering our bodies are impermanent. I remember that story of that Buddhist monk who having an operation and they forgot the anaesthetic and he didn't even realise!! Or that Buddhist monk who set himself on fire and didn't even flinch once as he burned! It shows pain can be conquered by the mind! Mind over matter! Obviously these are hugely experienced and extraordinary figures but the point is it is possible! I'm saying I will get to that point, but even just a little in that direction can hugely reduction the suffering we face. The last few days I have really be contemplating this inner love i have been feeling and how it takes you to a place that transcends the wants and needs of the body. What is the point in having great physical health if you are not happy you know? It is all conditioning by society man. We are conditioned to think health equals good. Because health leads to more money! In a culture that has it's foundations on vanity of course health will be idolised. But this only creates a mentality that marginalises the ill. What I am realising is that contrary to what society tells me that I am unlucky, I am in fact the lucky one! Spiritual health is only path to happiness and being ill has given me the opportunity to focus on my spiritual health!! It is a blessing man! It is why I have read Buddhist say being ill is a great gift! It can be used to speed up your spiritual progress. But I appreciate it is not easy at all! But this is what I really took away from my friends visit. He was saying how more advanced I would be than the rest of his friends and it clicked for me that maybe I was the lucky one. I felt empowered, rather than feeling a figure of pity. I have got so much to work on, but these last few days have given a great insight into my journey. 

 

I am sending so so much love and prayers man! Generally for me mental claustrophobia comes and goes and but never stays too long! I really hope you have had a nice night and have a nice day tomorrow!! Massive well done for navigating such a tough day! Remember that self love and compassion man! You should be very proud! I am very proud!!

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Brother... dear brother...

 

I really needed you today. The mental claustrophobia got to me like never before today. I got lots of meditation in last night and my dreams were more or less normal, but it is the claustrophobia that is causing the problem - not the content. I am waking and feeling so done in by it every morning. Today was unbearable, As soon as I woke, I asked Mrs Scrat to get me some K as I was shaking within minutes of waking. It is the only thing that works, but inevitably, it only got me a couple of hours break and then it all came back. The urge to take more K was so strong, but I can't. I know I can't do that. Far too many issues down that path.

 

I was incapacitated from 2 til 8pm. Couldn't even pick up my phone - nothing. Hell on earth. I can't go through that again. There were times that I felt like ending it all. The torture is too much to bear. 

 

Seriously thought, what causes this?! I have never had it before. Could it be the cym? Before all that, if I overdid it, I would be anxious or depressed. Never this. I wish I could explain it. All Mrs Scrat sees is my lying on bed, so thinking it can't be that bad. But when you have trouble just moving to go to the toilet, there is an issue. 

 

I am sick of it man. I really need to find a way to stop this happening. It was the worst case I have had I am sure. I need to find a way to stop it. But as you say, at least it was at the weekend and I didn't have anything to do.

 

Hope you had a good day - sounds like yesterday went well for you, despite loosing out on the walk, but you are right, compassion, it can wait a day.

 

You make some very good points about the health stuff. I really believe that there are ways and means of overcoming this stuff as we have seen in the Buddhism way of thinking. What an amazing thing to be able to do. What you have said makes a lot of sense to me because health DOES mean money to me. Mrs Scrat doesn't work, so I have all this responsibility on my shoulders to make sure the money is there, for rent, food, meds etc. This is where a lot of my issues stem from. I have nowhere else to turn. 7 years I have been supporting her. That is a bloody long time and loads of money... and I need to stop and consider how that will have effected me on a mental scale. I know you have a similar thing, but you have your whole family. Don't get me wrong, they all do an amazing part, but how i would wish someone would come along and just look after Mrs Scrat for a few days. Horrible thing to say, but it is how I feel after so long.

 

Right - I am going to have a read and meditate. Best thing I can do. Very vulnerable, but at least tomorrow cant be as bad as today - no chance. But if you can put down any words that might help me explain mental claustrophobia, even to the wife, that would help. You always have the right way with words. Surely other people must get it, but does it have a name?! That would be really interesting to know.

 

Much love brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother I am so so sorry to hear about your day. Straight after this I will go the chapel and pray for you! What hell for you. But I am so so proud of you for getting through it, so proud! That is astonishing! 

 

It sounds as if you are in that state of just existing being unbearable. Just breathing, everything is horrific. Whatever thoughts you have are annoying, no matter the content. Basically your body and brain can hardly function. I used the expression mental claustrophobia because you aren't literally in a coffin or a tight space but it feels like you are. Your brain is reacting as if you were in a coffin or something similar. I do get severe anxiety just thinking about being stuck in a really tight space. This feels like you are living that experience without actually physically being in that situation. If you are really suffering from really bad claustrophobia it sort feels like you are going to explode. You can't function at all. Your skin feels like it is on fire with aching and tension. I don't know if this is what you are experiencing but it what I experience. Your brain can't seem to cope with ANY information let alone something like music or annoying sounds. 

 

I think for me what I try and do is imagine to myself - what would I do if I was trapped in a coffin? All I could do is just focus on my breathing and accept this is out of my control and wait for someone to open the lid. The more aggravated the worse I would feel. So I would basically just be as present as possible and let things be. Just float and go with the flow. Take very much each hour as it comes. Don't think ahead at all. Just breathe and be still and go slow. It is a transient experience, so it will go. So you have to just have acceptance and let it be. Some nights recently I haven't been able to do anything but I just look out of the window and just stare for ages and ages. I can barely read. But rather than getting frustrated by this, I try and just accept it. I can't fight it, that would be futile, so I just see it as a form of rest or contemplation. Obviously I appreciate when it gets as bad as you have it, that can be very very tough. I think it comes to acceptance and thinking of the bigger picture. This is part of the plan, and we have to somehow find a way of accepting that. What we can't control all we can do is let it go and accept it. But I know it is so so tough. 

 

Brother I totally understand what you are saying about your wife and that certainly isn't a bad thing to say. My parents love to care for me but they still need breaks from it. They can't care for me well if they are not well. So you wanting a break is not only normal but actually something very healthy. I think you need to factor in that anybody in the world in your position would be struggling. Most people much much more than you. I feel for you so much and for your wife and I pray every day with all my heart. But I think it is really important you acknowledge that most people in your position would have not been able to cope with what you are facing. You are doing an amazing amazing job and I am immensely proud of you. You truly are something extraordinary, with a positivity and spirit I have never seen before! You are truly inspirational brother! 

 

My day was okish. Felt flat last night and then today feeling weak. I went to the field and the sheep had gone. A bit gutted since I hadn't gone in the field the last two days either. But the grass has got very short. I had 45 minutes out and then just the usual. I massively overslept my siesta so I think I am trying really tired at the moment. Tonight been fine but no zest or energy. Just really really flat. I think it is particularly noticeable since I had a really good few days when I felt so energised. Just feel really bored and nothing is exiting me right now. Got therapy in the morning. 

 

I will be praying with all my heart brother! 

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

Thank you so much for you message. I still woke not great at all, but the one thing I managed was reading your message. The silly thing is that I woke around 7am - was fine - then again around 9am - again, fine. Then I woke at 11am and I could feel it coming for me. I couldn't sleep. I gave it til midday and could take it no longer, I started to shake again, so the wife had to get me more K. Did its job perfectly. I had 3 hours of calm. I then waited for the mental claust to come back, but this time it didn't. It had morphed into stress.

 

I had work between 4 and 6pm and I almost considered it, but I knew that if I went ahead with it, I would be pouring fuel to the fire, but so difficult as I lack the compassion and beat myself over not working. Doesn't help of course that I am the only money earner. Things remained moderate until around 7pm when the project dude called up. I didn't want to answer the phone, but he said we need to pick up the pace. That set me off. I have just finished doing what he needed - again, not much choice if I am to earn the money. 

 

How you describe the mental claus is spot on. I really do feel like I am in a coffin. I want out, but can't. You feel like you will explode - yes. My skin doesn't feel on fire, but the aching and tension is there for sure... and absolutely, the slightest bit of information cannot be tolerated. So I just kept focusing on my breathing in that first hour, in..2..3..4.. and out..2..3..4.., but within seconds, something else would come into my head and set me off. It is stupid because my dreams last night were really nice, but I couldn't enjoy them because my brain couldn't take the information - even nice information!! I simply do not understand it.

 

I hope the progression to the stress part means it is soon on its way out. Had the depression, then the mental claus and now the stress. Let's see what happens next, but without a doubt, the mental claus is by far the worst. I have got to be so so careful in the future, I never want to go through that again.

 

So sorry to hear about the sheep. Do they move when the grass is all gone then? I thought they got separated from their mothers at some stage, because, well, the mothers time is up. It's mint sauce time. Sorry to say it, but that is what happens. I remember a while ago driving in the country and I found a lamb the other side of a fence to its mother where they have been separated. Of course, I did what I shouldn't and lifted the lamb over the fence to its mother. If it got another day or two, then all the better!!

 

You might be right about the flat - you must have exerted a fair bit of energy over the last few days. Makes perfect sense. Just hope it doesn't go as far as in as mine. How did therapy go? I can also understand that after such excitement for a few days, it is tough to top that when you go back to your normal. I have felt that many a time.

 

Thank you for your continued prayers - really appreciate them. Obviously I am dreading tomorrow. I really need some reality back. Three days in bed now - its too much. But it really has been THAT bad. Believe me, it I could go out I would. Hopefully come back with better news tomorrow...

 

Love you dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! So sorry but feel terrible here so will have to be a shortish message! A combination of depression and mental claustrophobia. I feel so tense and just so low. My self esteem is just awful. Honestly my depression is so bad, when it takes hold I am like a different person. I mean i felt really good about myself last week and the weekend, but tonight my self esteem is just horrific. I mean I feel awful about myself, truly awful about my self. I feel this incredible sense of failure. This feeling that i am untalented, stupid, got nothing to give. Utter self loathing. But yet only a few days ago I felt great about myself!! It really is borderline psychotic. Not as bad as when I had full on psychotic depression but not far off. My depression is completely brainwashing me that I am this huge failure with no redeemable features! It is absurd! I know I am repeating myself but I felt very very happy within myself literally days ago. I felt so comfortable in my skin. And yet know I feel utter horrendous self loathing. I feel like I am utterly worthless, after feeling so whole and at peace! I know it is an illness but damn I have it bad! I feel this utter existential despair at ME!! I feel squashed under tonnes of self hate!! I can barely breathe for crushing pain at my existence! I mean I am really sorry about this man but these self esteem depression waves have really been bothering me recently. And the thing is nothing would satisfy the demands of mind in this state! Nothing external can stop it, it will always find something to make me feel bad about myself. So it isn't something you can treat with external changes. It is an interior issue. I need to learn to just accept it. That is the only way. To be at peace with it. 

 

I think the instagram has inflamed it. In terms when I was cut off from the world I was in this bubble. By putting my work out there, that is a massive exposure and very very scary. On good days I can deal with the pressure but on a bad day it pushes me under. It is something I will have to work on with my therapist. For the time being I don't want to cut my self off again, as that only leads to increased social anxiety and becoming more and more insular. I can't allow that to happen. So this a tough lesson I am learning. I am learning on the job. There is much more stimulus for the low self esteem when you putting yourself out there and coming out of the shadows. It brings great benefits as my exposures and progress shows but also brings added challenges. The ridiculous thing is nothing bad has happened. Literally nothing. It all in my head! 

 

My day was tough as well. I woke up and felt awful. So tired and weak and felt sick. I had my therapy session but wasn't feeling good. Then went outside for a bit but was so weak. Then just the usual but everything has been a really great effort and I feel really stressed. At one point I was squeezing my fists together with tension, as I didn't want to explode with the stress. I thankfully managed to hold it in. But that was a sign of how tense and stressed I was. Very unusual for me to feel like that. This the most fatigued I have been for a long time and I think I am struggling to deal with it. Having felt that extra energy recently, I am struggling to adjust having got used to the extra energy. I think that is feeding the stress, my frustration at my body for feeling run down. My physical fatigue is often a trigger for me spiralling into a negative space, especially when I have been doing well. 

 

I really have the mental claustrophobia myself in that I feel so agitated at everything right now. Nothing is relaxing or soothing. Everything is stressful. No thought is comforting. I feel trapped man. Trapped in a sort of bubble of negativity and stress. I have a headache, my body is aching, my fingers are tingling. 

 

Anyway sorry for this massive rant man! I am really sorry to hear about another difficult day for you but it does sound like you a nearing the end, with the stress replacing the mental claustrophobia. That is really encouraging and I really hope tomorrow is a continue in this direction. I have been praying man and I will continue to! I think it is great you just rested again today. You listened to your body and I think that is really important! I am really impressed by that! I hope you can be really proud of yourself and bring in that self compassion! You work so so so hard man, you are so entitled to have some days completely off. Especially with your circumstances with your wife and the cv and your stuff last week! That would have taken it out of you as well. Just like for me, my exposure would have taken it out of me, even though at the time it didn't! Emotional these big exposures do take a toll, however well they go. It such a big thing for the brain to take in. Even if consciously we feel great and are calm, on a unconscious level these big events or big moments take a huge amount out! And we often don't feel the effects for a few days as well! 

 

Yeah the sheep move on when the grass gets low. The owner of them told my Dad a few weeks ago they would be on the move soon, so it wasn't a surprise. But I still damn miss them man!! I hope the grass grows quick so they can come back soon LOL!! So i'll take the rain LOL!! I even miss hearing their baaaa's from the house!! Was always so soothing and made me feel good! 

 

Sending so much love brother and prayers! I know you will come through this! And remember we are in this together! You know I am here for you!! We travel this HUMAN EXPERIENCE together! 

 

Love and God Bless!

[LDN]

Dear Gail, if you are reading, I just want to send all my love to you my Princess!! 

 

I am praying for you my love - for HOPE and JOY and PEACE and LOVE!!!! 

 

God loves you so much!!

 

I love you so much my Princess! God Bless!!! 

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I think we need to abbreviate mental claustrophobia to MC as it has come up too much recently!! But joking aside, I was saddened to read that you have fallen prey to exactly where I am... expect the self esteem. I can really see why that would be a part of your mental health - definitely not something to feel guilty about. Anyone would be the same - anyone that made it as far as you have that is. And I can't say that enough, just like your mate did. The last 9 years is amazing. Even my other friend that I speak of who went through what you did... her episode was 6 years, and I never thought I would see the day that would be topped. 

 

But you know it is the depression talking - I know you do. But you are right that it can be so bad what it will have you believe. It is so scary how these things can still happen at the blink of an eye. I was on top of the world last Thursday, and by Sunday I couldn't move from the bed. And yes, nothing external can stop it. If only....

 

I think you are right about the insta stuff doing its thing. Just like my change of work has done it for me, and the extra time in the flat. It all adds up. You are brave to keep the insta stuff going and you are indeed learning on the job as you say, but I do think you will find a balance. 

 

A massive well done for sticking to routine and going out. More than I managed! Sounds like we hit a similar point with the stress and fatigue too as that it what has happened to me today. Woke fortunately to minimal MC which quickly turned into stress and exhaustion. But I did all work that was booked in all the same. I have certainly struggled, but I needed to do something today. I couldn't stay in bed any more. 

 

The other thing is that my knees are in so much pain now. I wanted to walk, but I can't make it down the stairs without being in agony. I stopped running 5 days ago now, so why they are getting worse I don't know. That will be an ironic one for the doctor. He told me to start running and now I have f**ked my knees up! I really don't want that as running will really help my mental health, but runners knee can take a good 6 weeks to repair. Who'd have thought just 1 mile a day for a week would do that?! I must have been last in line when they were handing out knees!!

 

Don't worry about the rant - you have had the same from me for the last 3 days! I really hope you are right in saying that my bad times are on the way out. I guess tomorrow will tell. I feel better that I managed some work today, but at the same time very worried because it was too much work that started it in the first place. Never know what to do for the best and that is always where my prayers start off... asking for guidance. I never know which way to turn or what to do for the best in these situations.

 

Therapy for me tomorrow, and she was away last week, so she has plenty to come from me tomorrow!!

 

Much love man - and really hope you had a better one today

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. This won't be too easy as I have a massive headache! Can barely look at the screen, as it hurts! 

 

Today was really tough. Last night I went to bed later than planned just by getting distracted and that meant I felt pretty stressed. Then today I overslept and didn't wake up till 5pm. Just didn't want to get up. Only went on a very short walk in the garden and even then my knee was really hurting! I think it might be these wellies man! But I am scared of buying more trainers online, as the last didn't fit and it is a massive effort sending them back. Then I had my one good moment of the day which was watching the football with my brother and dad. I really enjoyed that and it was a moment of relief. Then I had my sauna and shower and supper and just felt really depressed. Felt very weird. Disorientated and just odd. Things just felt different from usual, but nothing external had changed so it was quite discomforting. Then I had my siesta and woke not feeling great. Felt really depressed again this evening and then the headache came on and now it is horrendous! 

 

The fatigue is very bad as well. My body feels so weak and is aching. Just need to try and slow down as much as possible. I have the physio tomorrow coming quite early so I need an early night! 

 

Man really sorry to hear about your knee. My mum's knee is bad as I mentioned and of course mine! But it is crazy how mine got bad and then yours followed so soon after!!! Really hope it can start to improve! 

 

Really massive well done for doing all your work man!! That is a cracking effort! Really proud of you! I really hope you can continue to feel better with each day now! I know what you mean about finding that balance. It is such a fine line, as I really struggle getting that balance right myself! All we can do is try our best though! We are humans and we have to remember that! Just try our best and let it be! 

 

I hope therapy goes well tomorrow brother! I will be praying!

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

What a day for us both. I am so so very sorry about these headaches - I am praying every day for them. It really does help that we know how each other feels in these situations. I was with you in the depression too. I am hoping that this is the usual that I get after too much stress. This is the pattern that seems to occur.

 

But focus on the footie!! That is wonderful that you could take time out and just be with your family. You know, if I was there, I would probably join in just because of the atmosphere. I haven't a clue about football, but I would just get caught up with the rest of you guys!

 

I'll breifly touch on my day as talking about it will not be easy. If you recall about 5 weeks ago, I had an issue with a customer who kept coming back with his machine not working, yet it was working fine when it was with me. Well today, he turned up with a bag of bits and told me to repair it or he'll take me to court. 

 

Just woken up and trying to get my head in gear and I had this mad man screaming at me in the street for 27 minutes. In the end I just told him to do what he likes as I gave him his machine back working and not in bits. I also knew I have a whatsapp conversation detailing him initially telling me that it worked - the fact that it went wrong a week later is neither here nor there, but when I went to check the phone, those exact messages... where were they?! "This message has been deleted by the sender". He deleted the evidence stating that he received a working machine back from me. 

 

I'm in a very bad way man. Its not fair. I try to come out of one horrible stress-enduced nightmare, and then this... words aren't enough.

 

I will fill you in more about the therapy tomorrow, but most of it was taken up with the above as I only had about 15 minutes between him shouting at me and seeing my therapist!!

 

I sincerely hope you had a better day brother. You have been so brave with what has happened after you had all the exposures. Really inspiring. I even think the sheep will have a big part to play. Really wish I could be there to comfort you...

 

Much love and then more...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Thanks so much brother for your love! Those orbs were mad I sent you right?? If you read the caption below as well it is very on our wavelength! That is a great spiritual account!! 

 

So I had to get up for the physio at 2 20!! Man that was tough!! I felt so grumpy as well! Having to perk myself up was real tough! I just so wanted to stay in bed! Anyway after the session my day was actually alright to be honest. Went in the field for a bit. Then the usual. Managed to make my double bed all on my own, was exhausting but got it done! I mean in the past that wouldn't tire me that much, but I guess right now I am in weak moment! Had a nice time in the field. It was very grey but I enjoyed the freshness and the light rain! Really need to get a new pair of trainers because these wellies are definitely not helping my knee! I prayed for you as usual at the top of the field at my spot! 

 

You are definitely right in that the sheep being gone is tough on me! Just hearing them baaaaa away across the road filled my heart with joy! As I mentioned to you, I would get animal cravings and just going to the field and being around the sheep was so comforting! It has left a hole for sure! 

 

So sorry about what you had to face today man! That sounds a horrific situation! How some people have such aggression and hate inside them is deeply sad! For you to be on the end of such a troubled individual is very upsetting! Just shows you how beautiful a soul you have that despite all your endless trails this human experience has given you, you still have a heart of so much love! Unfortunately for some people the slightest thing sends them into a negative spiral and they take out their interior pain on others! You are so so brave to faced that! It is jus the sort of thing I would truly hate to deal with. So massive bravo!! 

 

You just have to remember brother that you would not want to be in his shoes! Filled with such hate and anger and behaving it such a aggressive and unpleasant manner. No one happy would behave as he has! He clearly has severe issues and is taking it out on the rest of the world and that is never a solution. As tough as it is, just try and move on. In the Summerland if you meet him, he will deeply apologise! Again seriously well done for getting through that! After everything you have been through it is so cruel but life often seems to be like this! 

 

Really pray you can have a restful day tomorrow! 

 

Sending so much love brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Yes, I read the description about the orbs and very much our sort of thing! Been a while since I have considered them.

 

Oooh 2.20 is an early start for you, and can imagine how difficult that would have been for you. I for sure would have wanted to stay in bed. But I got woken by building works around 7.30am, and then my head went straight to the issues of yesterday and that was it for a good couple of hours. But eventually after some yoga nidra, I got some more shuteye.

 

You are still walking in your wellies?! Go careful man - I really don't want you to make things any worse. But again, I can understand that you need your spot! Its a double-edged sword. And what are we going to do about the sheep?? Maybe you need to download some sheep noise!! Make it like a meditation! LOL.

 

Thank you for your kind words about the situation yesterday - it is still sat on my mind, thinking he will start court proceedings. The court itself doesn't worry me, it is the stress involved. I can always counter claim!! But what an interesting thought about bumping into these people in the Summerland! I had never thought of it like that before.

 

Today has been tough again in terms of stress. Mrs Scrat had the first appointment with these new therapy people and guess what... they refused her help too. They said she was too troubled and she needed to go to the NHS. But they have already refused her too. So went back to the doctor who told us that she needed medication and that if she refuses the doctors help, then she only has herself to blame. Its so bad man. There is no help. I have no idea where to go now and the wife is in a very dark place... understandably.

 

However, I did do my samaritan bit earlier. Around 11pm, I heard a man crying out on the path that runs passed my street. No-one was stopping, so I went down and spoke to him. He had hurt his leg so I had to help him onto a nearby bench. Turns out that he'd had a falling out with his girlfriend and he was feeling really bad. Long story short, after about 20 minutes, he had sobered up a it, we called a friend on his phone and I told him to give her distance for at least tonight and off her went. Poor bloke. 

 

So all said and done - along with usual work today, I am quite wiped out!! So reading and meditation time again now! Thanks for the prayers man - I know upstairs is listening... please keep me updated on your headaches. I really hope they will abate soon, and during my prayers this morning it struck me just how lucky I am to get these messages from you every day knowing that you have so much going on with insta, pains and so much else going on right now. I am honoured that you never leave me out despite all this going on.

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Brother you are priority for me! All the insta stuff is totally unimportant compared to our messages! It is good for exposures but you are my brother and this is my second family on here!! I am the one who is lucky to have your wonderful help and love and support with everything going in your life right now! I don't even work! You have work, plus the situation with your wife which anybody in the world would be finding truly exhausting and overwhelming and emotionally challenging! I am blessed to read every message from you brother!! I can't tell you how much they feed my soul! That is what they do! Nothing else quite does that but on here you get that deep spiritual fulfilment. Our messages are like a little break from the world, where we can just breathe and take stock with fellow travellers! 

 

So as you will see I totally messed my timings up!!!! I had the most unbelievably hectic day! I had 61 WhatsApp messages waiting for me on my phone this afternoon! My mate had added 4 more mates from school to our group chat, so there is now 7 of us in it!! As you can imagine there was lots of banter etc. and it was just like 'WHAT!!!!'. Then I had to post a poem as tomorrow I can't, so that was obviously exhausting! Plus then this evening I had to reply to all the messages I had on the WhatsApp group and also attend to loads of messages sent to me on insta! When someone writes and says they like your piece and they needed to hear it, i feel impelled to reply. I was not in the mood for posting earlier but I just felt this sense from God that I have a responsibility to share positivity. I had a message saying 'I needed to hear that today' and so it was worth it, but I do need to be more disciplined in terms of timings etc. I need to talk to my therapist about this. Somehow striking a balance, with looking after myself and having some boundaries! 

 

Anyway I have another early start tomorrow because of the football!!! Ah man I am not up for it but it will be a good exposure! I only need to get up at 3pm but I better go to bed so I get a decent night in! 

 

I feel really sad right now, just this sense of loneliness, I don't know why. Just sort of empty! Too much time on my phone probably messing with my connection with my soul! I need to maintain that soul connection!!! 

 

I am sorry about the residue of stress from yesterday and also about your wife's situation! I am praying with all my heart and soul for this situation! Your bravery is something truly mind blowing!! Just leaves me speechless!! THAT IS WHAT I CALL CHRIST CONSCIOUSNESS!!! YOU HAVE IT BROTHER!! Your spirit is just astonishing!! Only someone with a deep bond with God could be capable of such courage I think! 

 

And massive bravo for the helping that man!! That was deeply beautiful to read!! So so proud of you for everything!! 

 

So so much love brother!! I am praying!! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Thank you for those lovely words brother. It is very much a family on here and on days like today when there is little activity I do miss it, but nice to stop by and get a quick message from Frog or MX on their threads. Then obviously our wonderful journal here - over 2000 posts now - its incredible! 

 

Our messages are like a little break from the world, where we can just breathe and take stock with fellow travellers!

 

There you go with the words again. I love how you put that - couldn't have thought of it that way myself, but is great. You are indeed a wordsmith!

 

Right 61 WhatsApp messages is too much for sure. That hit me with a bit of anxiety as inevitably I imagined what it would have been like in my situation. I know you will say I have more commitments than you, but we are used to our own days and schedules, so this is a big impact on anyone schedule. It is a lot more than what you, and your system, is used to. You really need to go careful and talking to your therapist about it is for sure a good idea.

 

This is exactly where I am. I am finding that I get carried away when I have good days. I end up doing far too much. I don't want to stop and have a break, but I need to. I am not doing too bad today time-wise, and I want to watch a movie for a change for some alternate escapism. Will see. I need to keep the meditation going.

 

Its a tough call to feel like you should reply to these people, but don't forget, you have already "written" to them with your poetry, and they are sending their thanks back to you. Perhaps once in a while just do a blanket post thanking all. They will understand that there are so many hours in the day. Again, I am in no position to talk as I am always forgetting when I need to wrap things up.

 

Balance is everything I feel.

 

Hope the football went well and you are not too exhausted from it all. I felt a little odd this morning as I slept with earplugs as I was woken by noise yesterday and didn't want the same again, and I ended up sleeping 9 hours, which maybe what I needed, but anything too far over 8 hours tends to keep me attached to non-reality for quite a while.

 

I was so taken aback by your words at the end of the message there. Bought a tear to my eye - was very moving to read - thank you so much. I try to do all I can with love, just as you do. We need to make an influence as best we can in this world while we are here. Something I am finding to be more and more important every day....

 

Love you man

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother! I'm in a really restless state tonight so I need to go and listen to some music to unwind I think. 

 

Thankfully today there were on 2 more messages to the group, so I think yesterday was a bit of a one off, with everybody joining on that day! So that was quite a relief!! I actually basically missed the whole game lol!! It was at such at bad time - 8:15pm - just when I am having my siesta!! I got up and saw the last 10 minutes but I wasn't going to push myself today! Yesterday was insane to be honest and I am amazed I came through unscathed!! So today I was just chilling and taking it easy. If that meant messing up my timings then so be it! Still plenty of games to come! Just have to bring that self compassion and now my limits! In the past I wasn't in touch with friends or have insta so I had more energy for the football!

 

Other than that my day was fine! Woke and went in the field. I have developed a sore ankle man!! Can you believe it LOL!!! It must be the wellies. In fact my whole right foot is feeling weird! Last night when I was going to bed it felt like the nerves were tingling in it! I kept calm though. I think it might some residue from the withdrawal. Will be a while till I fully recover still. 

 

I think that 9 hours will have done you some real good man! I know it feels weird when you wake from such a long sleep, I really get that too, but our bodies sometimes needs these long sleeps! In the long term it is for the best I think! I always just try and listen to my body as much as possible. 

 

Balance is everything 100% brother!! You are spot on! That is where I am right now! I need to bring in some discipline with the insta and take some pressure off. I really like your perspective on that, so thank you so much! I am like you in that I tend to get a bit carried away and it really important just get that balance right as you say! 

 

Man I am feeling really weird here and edgy, so sorry for being a bit short! But thank you so much for those lovely words of yours! They really mean so much to me! 

 

I hope if you watched a movie you enjoyed it!! And I hope the meditation went well! I am praying for you as always brother!!

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Been a real struggle for balance going on today. Seem to be getting it one minute and off the next. You really need to be on your game with this stuff! But I didn't realise just how much work there is to it. But I only did about 3 hours of actual work, but then I did some messing around with the car for an hour, and had a few emails today as you will realise when you get yours that I sent a few minutes ago...

 

I think we really need to keep going on with this balance stuff and reminding each other every day as best we can. I am sure there is much to be had. I did wake a little too early this morning, so only 7 hours sleep, and this did affect me a little. The damn scaffolding workers were still at it on a Saturday. So felt a bit flat for a couple of hours on waking, but overall was a good day.

 

Happy to hear that your messages reduced. That is a relief. I had it in my head that you were going to be getting these 60 odd messages a day.. plus your insta. I knew that wouldn't work for you, so am very glad to hear that. But even so, when the days occur that see a few too many messages, take it in your stride. You need to look after yourself first. For sure you want to help people and spread love which is great, but you won't be able to do that unless you look after yourself first!

 

Maybe a bit obvious, but always good to read for a reminder!

 

Now the ankle - no way! Its the bridge of my foot today - so we are both right in it. It could always be a withdrawal thing! I think we could attribute almost anything to a drug withdrawal

 

So what do you think was the weird and edgy stuff? Did it pass soon enough? 

 

Didn't get around to the movie, but might have a try this evening. Few things still to do, and still struggling with what I feel I should do and what I simply want to get out of the way. All comes back full circle to the balance thing... We'll get there!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother thanks for the email!!!! 

 

Ah man the balance!!! Overdid it again tonight!! So hard to get it right! To be fair what I can take so depends on the day and so it is so hard to judge! Some days I need to less than others! As I said it is all about listening to my body! But that takes time to get in tune with it and also takes discipline as well!! 

 

So other than overdoing insta a little tonight, my day was good! Last night I listened to some lovely music and felt it in this state of almost divine joy going to bed! Just wonderful! Was extraordinary! I woke feeling so good as well and then went into the field! Man the weather was absolutely mind blowing! Sunny but with a little breeze and as it was late afternoon it wasn't too hot! The clouds get really low here because we are on quite high ground I think. So there were these incredible clouds like pillows amongst the blue sky. Then the light was just incredible! Something about it was just amazing! I actually almost felt embarrassed at the beauty of the scene! I didn't know what I had done to deserve such beauty! There were butterflies and these little blue swallows I think! It was just unreal! I was in disbelief at the wonder of the scene! Really felt as if I was already in the Summerland! I was basically blushing at being present in such beauty!! In a way you want to just press pause and stay in that moment forever! Feeling so in touch with nature is just an incredible high! Seeing the cows in the distance, the sheep! Honestly man I felt like a dream but maybe even better!!! LOL!!! If it was a dream, if would be the equivalent to a wonderful dream! I love it when I get into these almost trippy states. I never really had it like this before I started doing mindfulness and meditation, but the last year or so I have just started to have these moments of utter utter bliss! They the reveal the TRUE nature of existence in my opinion! What exists behind the conditioning of the shell and our minds! A state of pure reality if you like! A look behind the veil!! It like a flashback from the Summerland!

 

Then I came in and this evening just feeling a bit flat and headachey and tired and wired. Sort of pulled in two different directions! Some moments of energy, others of real exhaustion. The headache sort of fluctuates in intensity! Some minutes really bad, others I can barely notice! 

 

Thanks for the reminder about looking after myself man! Really need to hear that at the moment! I am slowly getting myself back on track from the withdrawal but it very much a gradual process and can not be rushed! Thankfully no more messages again today! But as you said just so difficult to get this balance right! 

 

Really happy to hear you had a good day brother! And well done on getting 3 hours of work in, plus the car and of course the emails!! 

 

I get weird and edgy when I need to listen to music, it is really weird! Normally I struggle to take music in but then I get moments when I basically feel I need to listen to some. I can't really focus on anything else, it is as if my brain needs some different sort of stimulus and just shuts down the others!! 

 

I will keep praying and hope you have a nice day tomorrow! Plus hope you had a nice evening!!

 

So much love brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother!

 

....and thank YOU for your reply email - such a lovely wording as always - really appreciated.

 

You are absolutely right about some days being different to others and I think therein lies one of the biggest problems. I had such a strange day - not all that nice either. I woke to a bit of depression - just the sort that is there waiting for you when you wake up. It sort of dissipated a bit over the following couple of hours, but then I got the goldfish bowl syndrome again. Very much the world and me.

 

Not exactly derealisation, it was more real, if that makes sense. I wanted to take some good time off, but I was just monitoring myself sat in bed, on my phone, doing nothing much at all. I had quite a reaction to this feeling. Usually I can just brush it off saying to myself that I need this time out. 

 

The wife was also just sat there and minutes, then an hour go by and not a word said. Life was just passing me by. But I also had the feeling that I didn't want to engage with the world - that much was the depression, but there was no stress or anxiety involved. So I was in a difficult place where I wanted to go out, and didn't at the same time.

 

In the end, I just made myself get up and out. My parents finally decided to relax the social distancing, so for the first time in over 100 days, I went inside the house. It was very comforting having spent weeks looking at it from the outside. Freaked the cat out a bit, but he soon got the idea and was all over me. He isn't too keen on this super hot weather, so he find a nice shady spot indoors and has himself a bit of a siesta!! I spent a couple of hours with my parents and washed the car, topped up fluids etc. Felt a bit better after that, and even better once I got home and had some lunch, but the wife was still in a state so it was so difficult to keep the bad energy at bay.

 

I need to get out and back to seeing clients again. I'm out for an hour at the very most each week day, whereas I would normally be a minimum of 3 hours. It isn't good. Anyway - sorry for the rant. I just hope it doesn't follow up with anything sinister. I know I had some very difficult days this week just when I was coming out the other side of last week being very difficult what with the mental claus. I'm just scared that all this stress is too strong and it will repeatedly hold me in this pattern and not even give me chance to get balance.

 

Anyway, onto a happier thing. I felt really good when I read that experience you had. It filled me with hope that I might one day get that too. It sounds truly amazing and that you are getting everything back out of the work you put into meditation etc. I for sure need to do double time tonight. So it'll be an hour before and another after dinner. I will enjoy it for sure, I just need to get that as part of the balance, and I really want to get to experience what you had there. I am so happy for you!

 

Certainly sounds like a glimpse of the Summerland with the way you speak of the colours and vibrancy. Makes me miss the Summerland - what I would have done for a trip over there. Maybe these moments are where we are split between the two forms of consciousness. Some times it can be amazing like you had, and some of the other times, like mine, it can be quite painful when our shell is being such a pain in the arse!! LOL.

 

Hope you had a good day man - even better if you were able to find the means for another glimpse!

 

Love you!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Sorry for you feeling that goldfish bowl syndrome, but a massive well done for going out to your parents!! So was that the first time you say the cat for 100 days?? Oh man that must have been tough!! And wonderful you could get to spend some quality time with your parents! Plus bravo for doing the car as well!! 

 

And don't apologise at all brother!! This what we are all about!! 

 

I overdid the insta again tonight!!! This weekend I wasn't meant to be doing it!!! But there is just so much networking to be done! I mean there are all these unwritten rules I have learned to poetry instagram!!! So if someone posts a comment on your page, you should post a comment on theirs! So I was catching up with people from last week!! Plus you build up relationships with other poets and that means commenting on all their work, so all the new work up over the weekend I had to catch up with and comment on!! Then I get all these DM asking for me to like their work or promote them!! Then I have one or two people I am in touch with who might send a message and you have to reply to that! It is fantastic to be part of a community and build up these relationships, that is something that is really important in any art form, to have a community of fellow artists. But it does take up a lot of energy and time! I don't have to write to anyone, but then you don't feel part of the community and it takes the fun out of it! Plus you feel a bit isolated! Plus we are all poets, so I do enjoy reading their work, I really enjoy it, but man it takes up energy! And I need to have more strict timing! 

 

The thing is I think a bit like you, I get a buzz out of having something tangible to do! It is like a job for me and I am constantly thinking about it, mostly in a good way! It is a massive exposure for me and I am learning so much on the job! Plus it gives me a sense of empowerment! Here I am so ill and so weak but I CAN write poetry and so I want to maximise every ounce out of what I CAN DO! So if I'm feeling low about how tired or physically weak I am, I always think go on instagram or write, because that is something that my illness does not prevent from doing, so it gives me a purpose! I think I am almost addicted to working if that makes sense?? I like to think I am getting stuff done and constantly making progress on my account! 

 

So what you are saying about not getting out for your jobs, I can really relate to, in that if I had a week off insta now, I would super restless and edgy! My brain is used to the stimulation and reward of working hard and you take it away and it is really difficult to function. You lack that thing that makes you get out or for me with insta, that makes me expose myself to the public (LOL!!!!) which is tough but ultimately rewarding!! It is why I had a breakdown when I finished my exams in Sixth Form I had worked so hard and suddenly I had absolutely nothing to do. Within weeks I had completely fallen apart! Which is why I admire how superbly you have managed this whole CV situation! Absolutely phenomenal!! To just think that you did that massive exposure during all this!!! Take a bow brother!!! Unreal!!! 

 

In my writers group two people said they felt all over the shop today and were really struggling! So it is everywhere man! But for us it is obviously extra tough. So again massive congrats for how you have handled this situation!! 

 

I went to the field but felt a bit flat and then just the usual. But I massively overslept my siesta again, almost 3 hours!! So that was weird! I have a headache tonight again! But also feel edgy and wired but tired!!! Seems to be a theme to my nights, not calm enough to read but too headachey to listen to music!! So sort of in limbo!! 

 

I have therapy tomorrow, so I need an earlier night but sending love brother and I am praying as always!! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Another very strange day. Similar to yesterday - I seem to be holding things together in that I can still work, but it isn't easy. Bit of depression waiting for me when I woke again - is the "oh no, another potential tough day" kind of thing. No mental claus thankfully, but it morphed into some very strange anxiety. I think it was fed by my worry that I am going back into a bad dip before I have had my allotted 2-3 weeks of feeling better. I only had 4 days! But it didn't stop me dropping something into the post office and then doing 3 hours of online client tuition.

 

But throughout it all was this twired (tired and wired) just like you man! Couldn't move as exhausted, but couldn't sit still either as adrenaline was all over the place. I tried a valium - did nothing. I even found that after my teaching, I needed an hours siesta! What is going on!!? The knees and now this - we are following a very strangely similar pattern.

 

I really hope that I am back in the eye of this present storm and I will come out and get my 2-3 weeks back. I am sure I will be much better once I start travelling for work again and I am out the house.

 

So how did your therapy go? Anything to report?

 

There are some crazy rules about Insta that I didn't know - seems very strange indeed. I don't see the point in following people that you have no interest in - just makes it more difficult to keep up with things. I started following a car-based insta and they followed me back?! Why on earth?! I never post!!!

 

A community of fellow artists is good when you are in the mindset and have the motivation, but the flip side of that coin can cause quite the reverse when there are things to catch up on and you don't want anything to do with it. 

 

Doing stuff can really give you that buzz for sure, and it is just that which I get on my best days. But that all comes back to the balance. You want to be careful of getting addicted to working as this is often my problem. It can be great but you really need to keep it in check - again, balance. But so difficult and you don't realise how much you are doing until it is too late!

 

Fortunately, I had been able to see my cat when I have been in parents garden, but slowly he has got used to me not being in the house and he's got confused. I would be in my parent house 4 days out of 7 every week, so he was used to it. He doesn't like any other visitors - even once a week isn't long enough, so when he saw me back in the house it took him a while to realise what was going on, but after sufficient fuss, it all came back!! I really needed that.

 

I did get an hour of meditation in before dinner, and then when I got back round to it after dinner, I lasted about 10 minutes and I was asleep! I think I need to start doing more during the day, but lately hasn't been easy what with various issues. But see what I can get done this evening as nightmares are quite so bad, but they are still so vivid and can cause a bit of mental claus in my sleep. Even though they are normal dreams, I wake and feel quite bad as a result. I'll get there!!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother!!! Oh wow messed up my timings COMPLETELY TODAY!! This evening has been a complete mess LOL!!! I first got way too distracted on my computer and way overcooked my supper!! Then I had my supper really late!! Then I overeat and have since felt really sick!! Then I had an insane amount to get through on insta!! 40 or so comments!! As I was feeling anxious about feeling sick I sort of compensated by overdoing insta!!! Sort of like 'oh well I feel awful anyway so might as well get all this admin done now!!!'. So here I am at almost 6 am finally just finished almost 3 hours of admin and I still feel so SICK!! LOL!!!!! What a mess!! Might as well see the funny side otherwise I would be in meltdown right now LOL! Plus on top of all that I have football tomorrow!! And it is a massive game! I could have done without that!! Deary me brother! I was going on about discipline last night and then spend 3 HOURS on insta almost tonight!!! You couldn't make it up!! I saw all the comments and I could believe hardly ever seen so many in one day!! Then the DMs!!!! 

 

I was speaking to my therapist about it and she was saying I will have to get used to it as it is just a reality of my account growing! It is just a case of me being less OCD and feeling I need to reply to everybody and go on their pages and comment on their pieces etc.!!! But you want I am like, I just feel so grateful for anybody commenting at all, i just can't help myself from wanting reciprocate. It means so much to me to read these lovely comments and as i say I just feel grateful and want to spread the love!! It is learning on the job!! 

 

Man I have had such bad digestive problems these last few months since being on 0 and been having to eat SO many prunes and I am getting so sick of them!! My digestive system in general just feels so weird right now but tonight I just had one too many prunes and I felt SO sick! But if I don't eat them I get horrific constipation!! So massive dilemma! 

 

I am buzzing with adrenaline here brother but I should get some rest! My knee, stomach, feet, back, downstairs and headache could probably do with it! LOL!! Never have I had so many things wrong with my shell! My software is good brother but the hardware is truly in a shocking state!!! LOL!! 

 

Sorry to hear about the anxiety you felt this morning and then the twired!! Man I seem to have that twired feeling almost every day now!! But massive congrats on doing the 3 hours of work and the post office! And great you could get some meditation in last night! 

 

I will be praying as usual brother!! Again you must know how brilliantly you have done this whole lockdown period!! From the outside it has been incredible to witness! I really hope you are so proud!! Keep reminding yourself of how fantastic you have done! Remember that self love brother! 

 

So sorry for being all over the shop tonight! I have to laugh otherwise I would be in meltdown as I say! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless! 

[invalidusername]

Sorry dude - it's a PM from me today, so short one here.

 

Bit of a state - you will understand why.

 

Please go easy on the insta tonight - I really worry for you. I don't want you to over do it. But at the same time, very proud!

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Just dropped you a PM brother! Feeling quite knackered here but did managed to watch the whole game with my bro and dad, so that was pleasing!! Now time for some reading I think and then bed!!! 

 

Take care!! So much love!! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thanks for the PM - it really helped this morning. What I really don't like is the dread moments are back. Started with the depression and now the dread. Sure it starts to disappear once I get moving, but it puts pay to ever getting an easy start to any day. 

 

It has been another really tough day again. I had to start things off with a dose of K. I tried to get through it without as I don't want to take it unless I really have to, but it is the only stuff that works - and it really does. It gave me a good couple of hours where I could relax. I had a couple of phone call, answered emails. It is truly incredible what it can do... taking someone on the brink of going off the edge and making them an almost functioning person again. I would be so lost without it.

 

But inevitably, it only lasted those 2 hours and I crashed. As I said, it is not something you can keep taking - it is dangerous territory and this is why I always ensure that people are not easily influenced like this when I speak of it as someone else might just keep dosing up every 3 hours. It would sure help, but there can easily be addiction problems when this starts happening. I have been taking the stuff for 18 months now, and never have I succumbed to that, which is why I continue with it as I know I never will. 

 

I don't like to say it, but I was damn near suicidal this afternoon. It kept drifting in and out. I just couldn't take the issues with the wife at the moment. She turned to me around 3pm and said, "what should I do about my stomach pills - I only have one left". Honestly man. It is shit like this that does it. The surgery is closed on a wednesday, so it will be tomorrow to request another rx and then a couple of day to get it, so three days without the meds. She will feel painful, very uncomfortable and everything else to go with it. Loosely translated, more stress. I jut don't understand why she can't think for herself. You look at the blister pack every damn morning, of course you are going to notice that you are running low - why wait until there is one left?! She never forgets when she is running low of Valium.... pfff...

 

Sorry - I am off on one again. But I really need to get some headspace man. But I feel if I leave the wife for 10 minutes, all hell will break loose. It is too much responsibility for just one person. I am living her life for her - paying her bills, buying her food, managing her meds... and so on. I can't do it any more. I'm loosing my life, and very soon my sanity!

 

Anyway - hope you haven't been burning your supper again recently! And the prunes! My word. My dad eats these - not for any medicinal benefit, he just likes them, but I get the impression that it has its resultant effect in that "department".

 

And you won't believe this, but what with all the physical and psychological changes that we have been sharing over the last weeks, I now have an infestation of flies in my kitchen too!! Honestly. You can't make this stuff up. I opened both windows and closed the door hoping they would find their own way back outside, but they haven't. So the door is still closed and action needs to be taken. How on earth do we find our ways into these things at the same time?! Crazy stuff.

 

Right - late for my reading. It is helping as dreams are returning to normal, just hope I can get on top of this dread stuff. It has to pass, otherwise I would still have been having them before all this. I need to keep perspective and eyes on the upstairs... as you say, it is in God's hands and his will is to be played out.

 

Any word from our Gailage? It has been quite some time - if you are here Gailage, I am thinking and praying for you every day!

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[gail]

Saint hello in thé hospital for a whilel wont ne able to g9o back home. Prayers please for courage , Thanks, love, lovage.

[Lovey]

Gail I think of you so often, I am praying comfort and that you feel so much love!!!

H

[LDN]

Gail my Princess!!! 

 

Everyday you are in my heart!! I pray for you with all my heart and soul!!! 

 

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE!! 

 

I will pray for courage and you to feel Jesus my love!!! 

 

God loves you so much!! Remember this!

 

I love you so so so much!!!! We are in this together my love!!! 

 

God Bless! 

 

From your Prince to his Princess!

[LDN]

Hey brother. I have that edgy thing again so will head to listen to some music plus I have suddenly just got hit with a horrific wave of depression! I feel so weird! 

 

Last night I listened to some music and felt this intense feeling of love inside me! It was incredible! Just this sort of glowing and euphoric love rushing through my veins!! I went to bed in an almost ecstatic state! It was incredible!! Utterly amazing! Love is everything! It is all we need!! I felt at such peace. I woke and then spent some time in the field and then the usual! But really positive was I managed to spend less than an hour on insta this evening, despite posting today!! I did have much less comments than Monday but still really happy with that! But then as I say suddenly I have got hit with this gut punching depression! I will just go with the flow and let it be!! Focus on love and making that my core!

 

I have been thinking of you all day! You are truly in my heart brother! I am here always, please remember that! We are brothers on this journey together and we face the highs and lows together!! 

 

I am so sorry to hear about this dread stuff and also the continued situation with your wife! Please remember ANYBODY would be feeling the same as you in such a situation! People without any mental health history would be on their knees! It is what makes how you have dealt with this so admirable and remarkable!! I am truly so proud of you! I am in awe of your strength and bravery and spirit!!! As I said before this is CHRIST CONSCIOUSNESS!!! You are light in my life brother and so many others!!! 

 

As I said focus on the bigger picture the utter wonder and joy that awaits us! This is one hell of a human experience you are facing, but that is what it is A HUMAN EXPERIENCE!! THE SUMMERLAND WAITS FOR YOU BROTHER!!!! 

 

God loves you and your and his plan will play out and it will all make sense once we are home!!! I know we are safe in God's hands!! 

 

Love so much brother! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Gailage!!!

 

So good to hear from you - just the one liner is fantastic. Don't you worry about the prayers, they are going up every day for you whether you are here or not my love. 

 

Do what you need, rest, dream, go flying! We're all thinking of you here.

 

Beaucoup de lovage