2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey brother just replied to your PM! I must say I am knackered here again tonight! My mate has asked me to help out with a scheme of his to help connect lonely elderly people at this time of isolation. It is a wonderful scheme, he is doing in his free time and for free, so I really wanted to help as much as possible. Plus he has been so lovely on the calls we have had! But I had to email him tonight about that. Then instagram was busy. Whenever I post, it get busy and I sort of dread going on. It is lovely people reply, but it is tiring to have to reply to them all. But I feel so grateful for any comment someone makes, it is the least I can do to reply. So it has been a busy night. 

 

I had therapy this morning and to be honest I woke up and thought to myself I have nothing really on my mind to talk about!!! Then the internet connection here was poor and so the call kept on being interrupted and eventually we had to do it without video just sound. I guess it was a good day for it to be a poor connection since I had nothing pressing to talk about. It was still a useful session though. I then went out to the field for an hour and it was magical. I don't know why but just felt so good. The chemicals in my brain hit a nice place and I was just feeling so great just at the top of the field in the sun, with a nice breeze and the amazing view. The sheep all below me. Just a lovely vibe. I then came in and just the normal routine. 

 

I did manage to get nearly 9 hours last night but still 3 mornings in a row is a lot for me, so looking forward to a few off!!! Going to rest now brother, but really pleased your day was good! Sounds like you did a cracking amount!! Town in peak hours, in 20 degrees to do the bank and post office!! Great stuff! Then 3 hours of clients and another quick shop!!! Brilliant stuff!!! And wonderful to hear you just went with the flow and didn't let your mind get to you!! Fantastic! 

 

Ok my head is going here brother! Keep up the great work!! So proud of you!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Running very behind here as you can see from the time, so will have to be brief. Really overdid it today as I wanted to make sure I keep up with my schedule so that I can have Thursday completely off... to walk, clean the car, read... basically rest. But today turned into quite a hassle as things took longer than planned. So here I am behind schedule and needing to settle!! You know how it is!

 

Sounds like you had quite similar last night and I can understand that you feel compelled to do what you did. The insta is making you a victim of your own success and can be really tough. But I am sure there are moments when you are really happy about it all and gives you a lot of enthusiasm, but other times, like last night, it can be a real issue. Puts you in a very invidious position with regards as to where to go. But it will even out as you carry on I am sure. I felt the exact same way about my research, but it became part of the norm, and I eventually accepted the not so easy moments and kept focused on the better times. I'd really like to see you keep it going, but don't feel you have to satisfy every single person there. People will understand that there is a lot to get through. I have made plenty of comments and never had a "like", let alone a reply. 

 

Wonderful to hear about the walk and the chemical magic. You really need some of these moments every once in a while - give you back your faith in your progress. Been think a lot about our dear Gailage. She has been behind the scenes for a few days now, so my prayers for her continue, but more generic as not sure how she is doing. If you are there reading Gailage... you carry on doing what you have to. My thoughts and prayers are still with you everyday whether you are here or not!

 

My sleep has gone a bit crazy lately. I got 10 hours in last night!! I started reading just after dinner. I got 2 pages in and I was out cold... at 3am... then woke around 5am with my face in the book and a load of goz all over the pages!! LOL. Then straight out again until 1pm! Bit of a shock as I had my annual review for my research today at 1.30pm, so I had 30 minutes to get my head in gear. It was a real buzz thought because I was thinking back to last year and I was panicking about it about 3 days before, then had to take a couple of valium before hand. This year, nothing of the sort. Breezed right thru it. 

 

Anyway, hope you can get some similar hours in for your own sleep. You need it man! Thank you for such a lovely response to my PM too. Really was lovely as I knew you would understand. I have started to take your suggestions on and putting myself in the situation. Really good idea - thank you so much...

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! My head is not right here! Just can't think straight and feel really restless. I think I need to listen to some music to unwind. Really sorry brother! But I just can't think really! 

 

My day was decent. Last night my timings weren't great and after listening to a bit of music, went to bed later than I would have liked! Woke and went to the field and then came back and the usual. Did feel some high level of stress over lunch, sort of hit me from out of the blue. I felt VERY irritable. But apart from a bit of moaning about my knee and my back to my brother and mum, I think I coped with the wave of stress quite well. Put it this way, I felt in the mood to kick a bin LOL!!! I have done this in the past LOL!! But I can thankfully say nothing got damaged today! 

 

Sorry to hear about your felt you overdid things brother, but don't beat yourself up. It is such fine margins. This where we have to bring in the self compassion. I have been really working on that myself last few days. And great you got 10 hours in!!! That will do you the world of good!! 

 

And just like you I am sending all my love to Gail!!!! 

 

So sorry for being short tonight but I know you understand when your head isn't right! 

 

Sending all my love brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Little bit late again , but I have kept things quite slow today, but again, much like you, my thinking isn't quite there. I think it has something to do with the fact that I keep switching between my many different work hats", and playing the carer to the wife... I even forgot the milk, so there is no breakfast until I get my arse to Tesco. That will not be fun. I really cannot do outside stuff as soon as I wake - let alone have my breakfast.

 

Great to hear another decent day from you. This is sounding quite hopeful now. Wonder where that moment of stress came from? May be it was sitting in the background waiting for a moment to come out?! But never worry about having a pop at a bin. If that is what you need to do, then do it!! The only thing is that it might take that little bit too much energy out of you. 

 

Had a really good therapy session today. I spoke to her about my exposure thing and she is going to be away next week!! Of all the times!!! I'll get through it.

 

One thing that has got to me it how quickly my evenings are going at the moment. I am putting in a lot of hours on this project that I have going on, and like this evening, I wanted to stop around 11pm, which is usual. Then I will do my forum stuff, read, dinner etc, but an hour late and it has to come out of my reading or meditation or general relaxing time. Each time, I think... I'll finish earlier tomorrow. But never happens. And having said I was having tomorrow off, I have had to fit a meeting with this project guy in as Friday is already quite full, and I really need next week as clear as possible. So much for having a day off!! Meetings can last up to 3 hours, so it's not like it will be over quickly. Sigh... such as life!

 

Right - well I am going to use what time I have to chill out now. Rushing into relaxing.. kind of counterproductive!!

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother, I wrote you a really long PM about something which triggered me today, so will keep it short here! 

 

Really pleased to hear you kept things slow today! Well done for that! And great to hear you had a really good therapy session! So pleased to hear that! That is annoying about the milk but these things often happen on the slow days or rest days. When we have exposures heavy days we are switched on and have the adrenaline pumping but on the slow days I so often forget things because my brain is not going at 100%. 

 

I know how you feel about the evenings, exactly the same as me. I haven't found time to read for a good few days now. My friend's mum had corona and has had a long recovery process and I had told him in the past there were facebooks support groups. Today he asked for the link, so I had to find those to send over. Plus my physio said I need to buy a really professional pair of out door trainers, not just any old ones, so I have been doing some research! But man there are so many!! You go on the website and there are about 100 pairs to go through!!! It is just knackering!! Plus i want to get the cheapest possible, so that means a protracted process of trying to get the best deal! So tonight has been a stressful one for me. Plus add in insta!! 

 

Today was pretty good. Last night I listened to some music and then today I went to the field for a bit. My hayfever was terrible, so I had to come in earlier, plus it was absolutely boiling. I think I could have got heat stroke if I had stayed too long, especially as I am not used to being in the sun. Then the rest of the day was fine, apart from the thing I PM'd you about. Then this evening just feel run down. I might potentially be speaking to my friends again tomorrow but I will find out in the morning, so that is a bit of added uncertainty. Just trying to sort out my knee, be careful of my back, plus obviously look after my stress and mental health. It is a lot on my plate. I think the stress yesterday definitely came from the physical burdens I have on me right now. I can't put a foot wrong or I will further aggravate something, and that is a really stressful situation to be in. It is exhausting as you have to be so alert all the time and on your toes. 

 

I hope the meeting goes well brother! I am praying for you!

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Replied with an equally long PM so will keep this short. Hope that you have had time to chill a bit after all that is asked of you at the moment. I would be the same about the trainers - a lot of stress for sure. Oh and the hayfever - I am with you on that one. I get a really bad itch on my upper palate in the mouth - it drives me crazy. Really hope that you can get thru these tasks that will help with the physical ailments you have got on at the moment.

 

Today was OK-ish for me, but I have a new issue which has started to get my anxiety. For one, I woke up in the middle of the night and my right ear had blocked and I totally freaked out. I have a real thing about my ears, so I was desperately trying to clear it. I think it just got how and the wax had collected near the membrane. I couldn't sleep at all. So I got some olive oil and gentle massaged it and soaked it up with a tissue a few times and thankfully it freed it up, but still took some time to relax to a point that I could sleep.

 

But the other thing is that I have developed xanthelasma. I had no idea what it was until a couple of days ago. I thought it was just some pigmentation under my eyes, but it isn't. It is little pockets of cholesterol that collects. There is a 50% chance that it is nothing and something that happens and I can get rid of them with some OTC products, but the other 50% means I have too high cholesterol, which because I do not drink, smoke, eat rubbish, not overweight, not diabetic... means that it will be a genetic thing from the family that I cannot do much about. My liver just doesn't produce enough good cholesterol to combat the bad.

 

So if that is the case, I will need to be put on statins for the rest of my life and I can't tell you how much I don't want more bloody pills. Also means more blood tests which you know I don't do well with. I thought I was done with them after my various withdrawals. The whole thing has got my anxiety worked up. I just haven't been able to calm down all day. Worrying about more pills, the blood tests - just horrible. I have a call with the doctor sometime tomorrow between 9am-11am, which will mean waking early of course, and then it will have me thinking about it again so I won't be able to sleep again. So, all in all, I am in a bit of a state...

 

That said, I will get on with my reading. Have taken some of my Special K to help... Sorry to freak out, but I guess my health anxiety will always be there to some extent...

 

Thanks for being there man - much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother we are really on the same wavelength right now! I have been very stressed today! My body is all over the shop as you know! My knee is really starting to be a problem. It has been hurting all day. As you know with my Lyme things are an effort anyway but with a sore knee, it just makes things that extra bit harder. That extra effort needed I haven't got in the locker at the moment. Plus my one thing that relaxed me so much was my walk in the field and now that has become such an effort. I can really enjoy anymore because my knee is hurting and I am so worried about overdoing it. I just don't feel free. I feel so tense when I go up to the field, knowing I can't put a foot wrong. So it has really affected me. 

 

As I have mentioned along with my knee I have back pain and also my downstairs issue. Plus I forget to mention I have been having constipation and stomach cramps recently. I feel very tender after eating and have to be very careful with how I move my body. 

 

So considering all the extra effort expanding on my physical problems, it is reducing my mental energy and leaves me with less energy to do insta and talk with friends. But of course I don't want to loose the momentum I have gained, so it all around a stressful situation. This year has thrown so much at me. But equally I have made some amazing exposures. So I have to just keep calm and focusing on my breathing and just take one day at a time right now. 

 

I was meant to be talking to my friend today but he has now suggested tomorrow. Then I have the football on Saturday with brother and dad, so it all go here. 

 

I must admit brother I have a massive headache right now. I seem to get headaches a lot in the evenings at the moment! 

 

Last night I actually went to bed feeling fine and then woke feeling ok. It was so hot, so I wouldn't have wanted to spend too long in the field anyway but with my knee I had to make it short anyway. Then just the usual. I felt very on edge though. For example, I was shaving and took too much off my sideburns and it made get all worked up. I had to laugh to myself. I thought why on earth am I getting worked up about something so silly. I mean they will grow back in a few days LOL!! At that point I realised that I was just in state of stress and shouldn't worry too much about what was making me stressed. I made sure I focussed on breathing before making lunch. My brother makes supper at the same time, so the kitchen is so hectic and then add in my knee and it requires a huge amount of effort and focus. 

 

Really sorry to hear about your ear, but pleased you managed to clear it. I am just the same with ears! Also really sorry about this xanthelasma. I really hope it can clear up with OTC products, I will pray for that! I can imagine how much stress that would be causing! Again I will be praying! 

 

I hope your meeting went well today! I was praying for that! I really hope the doctor goes well tomorrow! 

 

Thank you so much for being there brother! Means so much! 

 

Love you and God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother!!

 

What a day!! I was going to leave all this cholesterol stuff until after next week because of the Uni "commitment", but after all the anxiety, I just couldn't leave it, so I called the doctor yesterday and he called back this morning and went through everything. Obviously he said I need a blood test. I thought, that's ok, I will need to get the paperwork and stuff, it will wait a few days. But noooo. They send a text now and you take that to the hospital and it came through while I was on the phone with him!! I had nothing to wait for.

 

So I just had a cuppa with a couple of sugars - took a valium and got in the car. Got through it as you know - and thanks for your text - was lovely to have the "pep" text to remind me how I did. I didn't give myself credit. It was a big thing for me. This time last year, I would have out it off for ages, but now, I just don't think, and just do. 

 

Anyway - results came back by 4pm and the doctor send another text!! What is with the texts man?! It was all a bit vague, so I called the surgery and the receptionist didn't know either, so I asked her for all the number off the sheet which she gave me. I then called my friend who is a GP and she explained it all. Basically I have plenty of good cholesterol and the ratio by which it breaks down between the two is about 10% above average, so nothing to worry about, but but overall cholesterol is 7.0, which is bang inbetween average and high risk. So it was an odd combination, but they said it could be down to the fact that I stopped exercising and I eat too soon to sleeping.. and a few too many choccy biscuits! 

 

So I do not know whether I have inherited my familys bad cholesterol genes, or whether it can be sorted another way, but either way, I am perfectly safe and at no risk whatsoever of any stroke, heart problem or anything like that. But I am on a trimmed diet and I started a new exercise regime yesterday of high intensity cardio stuff. I am doing 1 min rest, 4 minutes sprint twice over... so 10 minutes to start with. Today was day 2. I keep that up for a week and then up it to 12 minutes and so on. Then I need to have another check up in 6 months to see if that 7.0 has come down. If it hasn't then I have the family genes and I will need meds.

 

So just sorted my head out, and now this!! For goodness sake man! Can't life give me a break!! But I suppose the exercise will do me good for my mental health if nothing else, and I will be fitter. But I sure will miss my chocolate biscuits!! LOL.

 

And... that means there is two of us looking for good quality trainers!! I can already feel my knees taking the brunt of the tarmac from running just those 20 minutes. I need to be careful. 

 

Going back to your issues and the field, I can really understand you there. Your field is your friend, your place, your relaxation. You need it. The risk of not having it at your immediate disposal is just too much. I can sure get that 100%. If everything else falls apart... you have your sheep, the grass, the field and your spot.  

 

With all this going on and everything that has been thrown at you, you are doing an amazing job. It sounds like you are getting similar sort of stuff that you were getting last year. But the difference is that last year, it was knocking you totally sideways, but now, although you have your odd moments, you are bouncing back. Needs to be acknowledged for sure. So yes, one day at a time, but remember the big picture in this respect. 

 

So did you end up talking with your friend today? And I really hope that the football isn't another early starter for you!! Have you no idea what these headaches might be? I know the weather can do this to me - I am very prone to heatstroke, and I cannot be out in the direct sunlight too much at all. Obviously check on your fluid levels and wot not. I know you probably do, but because it is hot, we need to really get more hydration than usual. 

 

Right, I have made an early start, so going to use that to my advantage. Got to have dinner now because of this damn cholesterol stuff. I know it is better for me, but now I am having to move when I have lunch otherwise I won't be hungry at midnight... I know you will totally get this. I have had this routine for a long time. I am sure I will get used to it...

 

Look forward to hearing from you.

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! What a day for you! And as I said in my text - BRAVO!! What an amazing achievement!! So proud of you! You got it all dealt with in a few hours! Superb!! 

 

I must admit my head is not quite working tonight! Another banging headache. Very much tired and wired. I tend to find the instagram gets my adrenaline going, as it requires a lot of effort. 

 

I did a bit of reading and thinking last night and then woke fine. I checked my phone and my friend said he was free this afternoon so he called and we chatted not on video but just normal for 20 minutes and then he had to go help his sister. He suggested setting up a call with a few other friends from school, which is a bit nerve racking for me, but then again I was nervous about speaking to him and since have spoken to him 4 times this lockdown after not speaking in 9 years!! Funny how things work like that!! 

 

I then went to the field and was out for about 45 minutes. Apart from my knee hurting i enjoy myself. Wasn't too hot and a nice breeze. Nice to see the sheep as well. Then just the usual from then on. Pretty relaxing. Plus I found a reduced pair of trainers online in my size this evening! Still pretty costly but the physio did say I need specialist off road trainers, so not much choice! I never buy anything but books, so it makes me very uncomfortable buying anything else. But I have no choice in this instance. 

 

The game is at 3 tomorrow, so not too early thankfully! Wow I feel tired right now though!! With the tired and wired you always feel stuck in between, so you just sort of end up being really indecisive! 

 

Definitely think the exercise will be good for your mental health. I have heard a lot of people say how much running help them with their mental health. So will be interesting to see how it goes! And it is another exposure for you as well! Great that you have started already! Annoying about the chocolate biscuits though!!! LOL!! I can relate as I am not allowed any sugar!! 

 

Yeah totally get you about the routine! I have been there myself!! 

 

And for your kind words man! I making some really good steps but it is pretty tiring I must say at the moment!! Just so much going on right now!! Plus my brain feel recovering from the withdrawal! And as I feel wired it is hard to shut down. My headache is bad here man, but so happy again about your great achievements today!! 

 

Love your brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Bloody headaches man... so strange that they always come on in the evening. I suppose we should be grateful that they come and go, but when they are that frequent, what a pain in the ass. I am fortunate that I have my special K for when they are that bad. But I do think that the Insta stuff has a fair bit to do with it if I'm honest.

 

Well done for the call... and I am sure you will be just fine with the chat with the others. Just another exposure!! You have been fine with them for so long now! Great that you are using the lockdown for all the stuff that you can, but having said that, down here, it is like it never happened. Problem is that the last week, the figures have plateaued, thus meaning it could go either way. Still far too many cases. People forget that it was when we went above 1000 cases/day that we locked down, and we are still over 1000/day. It seems to have slipped peoples minds that it is still very much out there. 

 

So did you wake in time for the kickoff? I am sure you did. Odd way to start the day I think thou. But better than waking to a load of phone calls for repairs which is how mine started..

 

I badly need to find my trainers now. I felt some dodgy pain in my knee starting on my run today, and the last thing I want is issues with ankles and knees when I need them well enough to do my running. Sure it is only 10 minutes a day at the moment, but when my legs aren't used to it, I really need to approach it carefully. 

 

Rest of my day was insanely busy. I had 5 new drop-offs for repairs! But I just added a day onto each one as it came in. I know I could, and probably will get them done quicker, but I am trying to pace myself to have only one a day as I still have my study, shopping, tuition and of course Mrs Scrat. And tomorrow is going to be a definite day off. It was a warning shot today, so I know the drill. Even though I am all good, I still need to stop.

 

I have also decided that I will ask the doctor for another check of my levels after 3 months. I have been looking around and have seen that changes in diet and lifestyle that I am adopting have the potential to drop levels by 25% in less than a month! I need to drop about 35% to get spot on for my age and anything less is a bonus, but if I can control it (and subsequently I don't have the family curse) then it is going to show up in 3 months for sure.

 

But if it doesn't and I need the meds, then I would rather know sooner rather than later as it will be clogging up my arteries all the time I am not on the meds. I know it is all about saving money for the government etc... but I'll get them privately for the small cost. I don't want to wait until I am a high risk to be given the meds. Much rather deal with it while I am healthy so it never gets to that point. But really hope I can control it... just have to wait and see...

 

Right, time for early dinner time and relax! Look forward to hearing about your day!

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Got another headache tonight! Nothing too severe but still annoying. I think my brain is just trying to keep up with my new workload if you like. I mean I didn't even have the insta till after Christmas and it wasn't until after Christmas that I got in touch with my friends so that is two things that have been added to my life with are both quite tiring, and I introduced both at the same time!!! Add in having to deal with a withdrawal, cv and my physical issues and that is a lot for me to go through! I think I get headaches in the evenings because I am more tired then and it is basically my body saying it is knackered! 

 

My day was decent. I woke up for the footy and watched it with my brother and dad. Not a good game but nice to watch with them, as I almost never watch tv. I went on a short walk in the garden and then the usual. My dad got a tick on his leg, so he had to go our cousins to remove it, as didn't have the right tweezers. My already had a tick this trip! Our garden is infested with them man! No wonder I got Lyme!!! It is because the deer come to our garden to eat my Dad's vegetable patch! If we had a dog that would scare them off, as our neighbours have a dog and never get the deer. We have seen so many deer this trip!! My mum and dad both had their arms and legs covered as well! I've got to be damn careful myself!! 

 

I feel so knackered again tonight! I feel like I am going to fall asleep on the laptop LOL!! 

 

Yeah man you definitely don't want to get in a situation like mine with my knee! It has been hugely stressful! Listen to your body and make sure you have good support! 

 

Crickey 5 drop ins!!! Good to have the work but must have been a lot to take in! Your attitude is spot on by not rushing it and taking your time! Really great approach! Not worth it to overdo it! And great call to have a day off tomorrow! I don't post on weekends on insta for that reason! To give my brain some space! Even if we feel we don't need it, it is really important to be proactive about rest rather reactive! Rest even if you feel good rather than wait till you are overrun and then need more rest as result! Really impressive pacing from you man! I am learning this as I go! But it takes discipline! Often I think to myself I want to crack on with my insta on weekends but I stick to my plan! 

 

Sounds good about the 3 month check in as well! 

 

Was so funny brother the other day was in the field and now the lambs are pretty chunky!! One of ran to get some milk and went with such force towards the udder, that it threw the sheep's two hind legs literally into the air LOL!! They go in for that milk with some serious power man!!! Those utters must be pretty sturdy LOL!!! 

 

I hope you have a lovely rest day brother! And had a nice evening! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

Gd Bless!

[gail]

8n thé hospital,baack wwhén bettet

[fishinghat]

Blessings to you Sweet Gail

[invalidusername]

8n thé hospital,baack wwhén bettet

 

Prayers all the way for you my sweet Siddage....

 

Much lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I am in a right foul mood I'm afraid. Mrs Scrat has been at me all day about her mood despite me telling her that I needed to get on with work. Another hectic weekend because of all the repairs and everything. I have started to get pain in my left knee from the running - and I am quite sure this is because I didn't have the right shoes. I have to run on the grass today. I should probably have stopped and waited by anxiety got the better of me.

 

Anyway, I knew I had to get some shoes, so I just didn't think so much of the cost, and more of my health and bought some. I managed to find some second hand proper Nike running trainers on ebay for half the price of new. Still expensive, but I need to do things right. Hardly any wear by the looks, so that was a good thing. But then I was doing a repair and I was rushing because of all the crap going on between the wife and I, and I slipped with a tool and broke a customer touch screen. Cheapest I can find is £177!! I feel so sh*t right now. Right at the end of the month with all the bills coming up - then my trainers. I really didn't need that. Sure, the customer will be paying me around £80 for the work, but I will still be a good £100 out of pocket. AAARRGGHHHH!!!

 

Interesting theory about the headaches. It seems to have tied in with the physical issues - maybe some extra sleep to return the energy will help? 

 

Oh my goodness... your Dad got a tick?! That must be horrible. It must be quite difficult for you to see that sort of thing. It would really freak me out knowing that there are so many around and near you. Ever since I knew what had happened it has worried me about ticks. And absolutely, you do need to be very damn careful! Could it actually get worse for you having already got Lymes? It's not like mumps or measles where you get it and become immune?

 

Lovely little anecdote about the lambs - that painted quite a funny picture!

 

Very sorry but I really need to keep this short here - as you can see from the time, I have really overdone again today. Not good. And I for sure need to get some meditation in before sleep as I will be on that slippery slope again...

 

Much love brother..

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. So sorry to hear about the stress you are going through. And that happening with the screen is one of those things that would be make me completely loose it. You sound quite calm compared to how I would be in such a situation!!! I mean those things are just unbearable to deal with if you have anxiety or stress! Just reading it made me feel so stressed to be honest! So I how even managed to get a message to me tonight is incredible in itself! So massive bravo for that! I am so so sorry you had to endure such a moment! 

 

I am so sorry to hear about your knee also. I got my trainers today as well. I might be able to see the physio from the village in person this week, so hopefully that might help plus the trainers. We will have to see. 

 

My day was a bit odd. I woke very tired and couldn't manage very long outside. I just felt so weak. I came in and then just the usual. Then I had my siesta and overslept by 40 minutes! My alarm was going off and I slept on through the alarm! It is proper loud as well!! So this fatigue is a bit strange, but I have had it before come and go, so I am not getting too worked up about it. Tonight my headache isn't too bad. I have therapy in the morning so it's an earlier start for me. 

 

Along with the fatigue just feeling pretty flat but I'm just trying to go with the flow. Last night when I was reading, I looked outside at the view in the dawn and felt such peace and harmony with the world. Really felt so beautiful! I felt such a deep sense of calm and wonder at the universe! These early mornings in the countryside are just incredible! The sense of a world untouched by humans!! Just all the animals come out to play! And the light is something truly extraordinary! Mind blowing, a small taste of what is to come man!!! Just incredible! So I really had a magic moment this time yesterday!! It is so wonderful when you feel that unity with the rest of creation, it is something special! It felt like an amazing dream really! When you get into these states everything just looks a bit different, that extra bit more beautiful!! 

 

That is the advantage of my sleep schedule, I get sunset and sunrise!!! 

 

Oh and I noticed another thing today in the field. I observed that when the lambs want milk their tails are erect, and once they have had it, they go floppy again!! Fascinating! Plus when their are sucked on the udder, they are wagging their tails like mad! It is so sweet and funny!! 

 

Really hope you managed to get some good meditation in brother and tomorrow is more calm for you! I really will be praying! In moments of stress I always go back to my breathing! 

 

I am sending so much love and peace to you brother!!

 

God bless!!

[LDN]

8n thé hospital,baack wwhén bettet

 

So so so much love to you my Princess!! I will be praying will all my heart and soul!! 

 

We are love you so much!!! 

 

God Bless! 

[gail]

Thank you so much, hope that we all réel better soon

[invalidusername]

Thank you so much, hope that we all réel better soon

 

Hang in there Gailage. My morning prayers have just been sent up for you!!

 

Hopefully there isn't too much of a delay at the moment

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I remembered your previous stories of the stress reading your email, and you are right, I have no idea how I remained calm, but I really overdid it last night. I suddenly had a thought that if I disassembled the screen from the bezel and other plastic parts, I might find another part number which may be generic and thus shared between other models. So I did just that and indeed there was a bunch of numbers. So I tried them each in turn on eBay and would you believe it... there was one - just one - up for sale, second hand, but perfect working order for £60!! A whole £110 cheaper than new!! Was so happy... well not happy, more relieved. 

 

But this was around 4am. I still hadn't done any reading or any meditation, but was so exhausted I had to sleep. Not surprisingly, the stressful dreams started again. Three days of overdoing it and I had to expect something. As I said on Saturday, I need to nip it in the bud, but only made it worse, but this evening, there is no chance. I am stopping right now after your message here. But thanks ever so for your faith in my dealing with the situation!

 

Glad your trainers turned up. I really hope that helps you, and again, I am right with you as I now have the exact same thing. I was foolish and went on my run again today - day 5 - and my left knee really started getting painful. I should have stopped. But then again, I saw this link;

 

https://www.podiumru...nee/#:~:text=Inthe new approach to,with another type of movement.

 

It states that a new approach to curing runners knee, which you might well have too, is to keep running!! The article is dated March 2020, so it is as up to date as it could be. I am going to do some more reading up, but I need to stop for a day or two until my trainers arrive. I am running in these worn out flat soled things. No cushioning whatsoever - I might as well be running in bare feet. I just hope we can both get cured quickly so we can carry on. My running is quickly becoming your field. I feel I need it every day as it does help. 

 

Beautiful picture you painted about the dawn - sounds absolutely wonderful to be staring and the marvel that is God's creation. Yes, the light is what does it for me, such a right palette of colours and it does make you think how could they be any more beautiful, but surely they are!! We just need to wait!! I am also getting the sunrise at the moment too, so the blinds stay open right until I sleep so I can see the colours. Only for a few weeks a year so we need to make the most of it.

 

All this stuff about your times in the country and the lambs... it all needs to go into a book!! I really hope you can remember this stuff. What am I saying! Of course you will - it is right here on the forum!!

 

Right. Time for some meditation and reading. Got plenty of time before sleep, but I really don't want the nightmares back!!

 

Much love man,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! The situation with the flies is out of hand in this kitchen! It is awful! SO many of them! They fly all over me, getting stuck in my hair, crawling over my neck at the back! Two were mating on the table right in front of me!! Like being in drug den or something, so grimy! Plus I have no choice when this infested but to kill them. I hate killing them! Killing one is bad enough but having to kill loads of them is just horrible. Every time I kill one I die a bit inside. But if they are mating like mad I really have no choice in terms of the sanitary situation, with it being the kitchen. Plus I am the best with the fly gun as well, which is so ironic since I hate using it! So this is really stressing me out! 1 having them fly all over me and then 2 having to kill me. Not a nice situation. 

 

Last night i completely overdid things as well! After I messaged you I watched some music and lost track of time. Then I got distracted just before bed looking something up on the internet. So I went to bed later than usual despite the fact I had therapy this morning! It meant I had under 7 hours sleep, which is not good for me. To be fair I actually felt ok when I woke up but last night I was annoyed with myself. 

 

Therapy went fine. I told my therapist that I am now coming in to sessions with sort of an open mind and not with a fixed idea of what to talk about, since I can barely remember the week before at the moment!! I remember last week thinking I really need to talk to my therapist about this and then this morning i just had no idea what it was that I wanted to talk about!! I knew there was something but couldn't remember what it was!! I told her if it was really important or upsetting me I would have remembered so it was good thing in a way I couldn't remember. She agreed and said having my thoughts being less 'sticky' is really good thing! I remember later this afternoon it was about insta but as I say if couldn't remember then it can't be bothering me that much!! I told her I was just being really present at the moment, and just living in the moment as much as possible and just going with the flow! She was really happy about this! 

 

I then went to the field and had a really nice time with the sheep! I just love them! My Mum and Dad were saying they want to get our own sheep when we move down here full time! Can you imagine? They will only be more friendly as we will be there owners!! Such awesome animals man! So chilled out! You just watch them and they never get worked up. Just eating the grass or lying resting. They just take life so easy! You get such calming vibes from them man! Obviously the lambs are more excitable and energetic, but then that is so cute! But the sheep they are seriously chilled! I am trying to learn from them LOL!! Get into that sheep consciousness! LOL! You look into their eyes and there is just this deep calmness. They are the most calm animals I have come across I think. 

 

I just love animals man, get a real buzz from just being around them! Good energy you know? Today I just had this craving for some animal experience and once in the field and watching in the sheep just eating the grass around me make me feel so good! The other morning there were 2 squirrels who came up to the house really near, which they don't usually, and I was just awe in at God's creation! These early mornings everything comes out and is alive and vibrant! You have the rooks, the other birds, the pheasants who I often see just after dawn in the garden, the squirrels - it is an incredible scene outside the window! In the kitchen we have french windows, so the view is amazing. It is basically like I am in the garden. I will have send you a photo of where I type!! These mornings are just such an exciting reminder of what is to come! If the world is this beautiful and yet things are only going to get more beautiful - what a wonderful and joyful thought you know? We have to hold onto that in our struggles!

 

I hope you have a really nice day tomorrow brother and had a nice relaxing evening! 

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Thank you so much, hope that we all réel better soon

 

Gail my Princess sending you SO MUCH LOVE!! Please know that I am praying for you my love! I think of you so much!! 

 

Praying for LOVE and JOY and HOPE and PEACE!!! 

 

God Bless my angel!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

You got a bit of a PM from me, so that has pretty much taken care of my day as you will read!! But man am I knackered!!!

 

Wow - sorry to hear about these damn flies. Again, you always paint quite a picture and that wasn't one of the best!! But it gives me a clear idea of what you are having to go through. It sounds awful! I do hope that the stuff you use to kill them isn't bad for your health at all? I get breathing difficulties when Mrs Scrat just gets the Pledge out. I cannot be in the flat when she is dusting, even with the windows wide open. But I am sure you have looked into that - just looking out for you!

 

Glad that you managed your 7 hours sleep. Probably helped that you woke up for therapy. Real shame that my therapist is off this week - I could really do with her at the moment! But I'm going to play the old self-compassion card having heard you say about being annoyed with yourself before sleep. I am just as guilty as the next person, but we really must try.

 

Unfortunately, I woke around 9am and had mad thoughts going through my head and couldn't sleep. Most of it bought on by my knee which got really painful yesterday. But I did some breathing and managed to get a couple of extra hours of kip in. How are your knees at the moment? Have you had chance to "test drive" the new footwear? I didn't run today. Five days, five miles - I was due a break, and really should wait for my proper footwear.

 

I was talking to a friend about how minds go blank earlier today, and we got quite into it thinking about the different way that the memory works. Apparently her other half is going through a particularly bad patch where he can't remember short term stuff, but I told her that as he has a lot of anxiety going on with lack of work courtesy of cv that he will be very much living in the past and future, so not to take it personally.

 

Sheep consciousness!! Like it!! We sure have a lot to learn from them! Would love to see a photo of the view you have of the sky in the early hours too. Can you see when the sheep wake up too? Would be interesting if they shift with the periods of light and dark? We obviously once did...

 

Right, well I did get some reading in last night, but only about 30 minutes. The plan was some meditation after, but I was out for the count, so I am going in for some more now to combat the nightmares. Yes, came back last night. Not surprising, but need to do all I can...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Got a massive headache here and messed up my timings so running late! 

 

Today was ok. Last night I felt pretty good and just did a bit of reading. Then this afternoon there was another football match, at 6:30! Right in the middle of when I sauna and shower! So that meant I had to do those earlier so had no time for fresh air! I should have gotten up earlier to accommodate for this, but again last night I went to bed too late and so woke up later than usual! So had to rush sauna and shower and then watch the game with my brother and dad. Really an effort having the football come back. I have been living without it for 3 months, and I was feeling pretty run down as it was, but now I have to add in the football. Obviously I don't want to stop doing all the other stuff I have brought into my life, like speaking with friends and instagram, so it means there is a lot of balance right now. After the game I had my siesta, but must admit the day felt weird. Football is on until beginning of August, so I have to just get through July basically. Once in August things will settle again.

 

My physical issues are also taking up a lot of energy. I really want to get to this man in Bath for my back but I just have too much on right now! So that is stressing me out a bit. Plus my knee isn't feeling great still. My trainers came today and I tried them on tonight but they weren't comfortable at all. To tight in the middle and too much space at the back. Plus the sole didn't seem to suit my feat shape. That really stressed me out, because now I have to sent them back!!! So that is yet another stressor! Plus I need to look for some new ones online now!!! It really is better to try them on in the shop, but they are much more expensive in shops and also there is nowhere near here!! I hopefully will see the physio from the village next week and I will ask her then about it and the soles etc. So wellies for the moment!! Which is not ideal at all! 

 

So in general just feeling a bit overwhelmed and run down and so much to think about! Need to order new supplements as well!! 

 

For the flies we use a stun gun, not the chemical sprays. Plus a sticky tape from the ceiling. My mum and dad put up two this afternoon and there must be a good 20 or so already!!!! Imagine!!! Not nice but we have no choice, with the rate they were breading!! 

 

Well done with the breathing exercises man!! Brilliant stuff! And crickey 5 miles in 5 days! Wow! Definitely be cautious not to overdo it man, but well done!!

 

I can't see the sheep really as the trees are in the way, but I can see the cows at the bottom of the garden. I would say they are still resting at the start of dawn but an hour or two after and they are up and on with business. The other day I went to bed when they were still just resting! I think the sheep are roughly the same. Early dawn still resting but after an hour or so they are up. 

 

Ok brother I really hope you have had a nice evening! I am praying! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I have been praying for your headaches... every morning. I really hope there is some relief soon. Can't believe you are holding out so well. I remember when I had something similar... if you can remember when I had that time when my pupils were a different size, and it was around then that I had a perpetual headache and I thought it would never go.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words via the PM. Really needed that this morning. The mild depression hit in. I had a feel it might but not to the point that I was willing it to do so. I only hope I have calmed down in time not to have made too much of a trauma for myself. 

 

Another football match!? Goodness. I didn't realise it was that much of a commitment! Shows how much I know about the sport! All I watch is the Rally, but that is only one weekend a month for 9 months... so not exactly too much time to commit. But messing with your routine must have been a bit of a pain, no? You really need to watch that balance as you said. It is a point at which it could easily be tipped over. Sort of how I feel at the moment having just stopped my crazy 9 or 10 days. I become very vulnerable when I stop, but if I don't stop, it will only get worse - we both need to make sure we keep a balance as we go and never let it get to the point where it is on a knife edge. Like you said a few days ago about the field, you feel crazy but you just put a foot wrong and it could all come crashing down around you.

 

Dan shame about your shoes - I'm obviously worried about mine now! Should be here tomorrow - and two days of not running is having an effect on my anxiety, but I need to look after my knee. It has got a bit better. It was hurting walking up and down the stairs yesterday, but by the end of the day it was much better. Just when I out the whole of my weigh on my left leg. I can well imagine what it must be like having to now send the shoes back and find another pair. Packing them up, authorising the refund, going to the post office, waiting for the return of the funds... I hate the whole process. My every sympathy to you brother... Just got easy with the wellies.

 

Oooh supplements! Thank you - you just reminded me that I am nearly out - and that is stress when I forget! What are we like?! LOL

 

"they are still resting at the start of dawn but an hour or two after and they are up and on with business"

 

Love the way you said that... on with business - like they have jobs or something!! LOL. But there must be a lot of effort involved in eating all day! Plus eating the same stuff. Only so much they can do! 

 

I got a good hour of meditation in last night and dreams were better. So odd that I remember dreams every single night. I remember before the Cymbalta days that I would have plenty of days where I wouldn't remember anything, which is quite normal, but I remember my dreams vividly in every detail whenever I wake up. This is why the nightmares worry me. The dreams are etched on my mind... Still, more meditation tonight should help I hope.

 

Love you man!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother SO SO sorry but I have completely messed up my timings!!! Plus I have an early start tomorrow! So this will have to be really short, so sorry! On the days I post on instagram sometimes you just so many notifications. As you said before I don't have to reply, but you know what I am like, I want to spread the love. If someone writes something nice, I sort of feel compelled to reply and go onto their page and comment on their work! I really need to learn some discipline man! To be fair I have been getting much better, but some days you just get a bit lost! I was already running behind and feeling a bit stressed about having to go to bed earlier! 

 

I will fill you in tomorrow man! 

 

I am praying as always brother! And you thank you with all my heart for your prayers!! Means the world brother!! 

 

So much love!

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

If you are reading Gail I am praying for you and sending SO MUCH LOVE!!!! 

 

Praying for HOPE and LOVE and PEACE and JOY!!! 

 

God Bless my angel!!!! 

[invalidusername]

Hey brother..

 

Just a heads up, I am in a proper foul mood today... I got the replacement screen that I broke, and got it all fixed. Was so relieved to have it done. I then picked it up to move it somewhere save, trod on a piece of metal that felt like it was going through my foot and bloody well dropped it. And yes.. cracked the new screen. I can't tell you how annoyed at myself I am. The time, the stress... the money. £60 just blown in that split second. Can't believe it...

 

Secondly, my knee pain was better today, plus my shoes arrived and they are a great fit. I thought I would go running again to make myself feel better, but no, now the pain has moved from the inner part of the knee to the centre, under the kneecap now. As we speak, it is throbbing so much. Not a sharp pain, just a dull ache. I thought resting it for a couple of days would do it good... I need my running man. Just ten minutes a day - can't be that bad surely.... Don't know what to do. There is contrasting information on the internet about it all.

 

Sorry will be a short one from me as I really do need to get some meditation in. My sub contractor came to Skype yesterday after I wrote to you and I ended up working for the next 3 hours... so inevitably, the nightmares ensued... Sometimes I just feel like staying up all night.

 

Apologies for being such a miserable git! That said, my prayers have continued for both Gail and yourself. Particularly your knee, headaches and guidance for keeping up with the insta stuff. Take it easy man

 

Love you

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I am so sorry again but I my head is hurting and I just need to wind down. I had a massive exposure today, which I will properly explain to tomorrow! Another secret exposure LOL!!! 

 

Basically my mate from school, who I have been video calling, messaged me on Monday to say he would be in Somerset on Thursday afternoon and no pressure but he could pop in. I straight away said yes as I knew it was an amazing opportunity for me. I love how it was such short notice and spontaneous, that just added to the exposure. So he came this afternoon for 1 1/2 hours and honestly brother it was so nice! All my family came down, as they know him, and were just chatting in the kitchen and it was just such good energy. He said he was getting into meditation and as you can imagine that set me right off!!! I was so excited to hear that. Most guys my age are very much still into the party lifestyle, which is not where I am at right now obviously!! Then he facetimed another mate I hadn't seen for almost 10 years!! So that was an exposure within an exposure LOL!!! This was my biggest fear of all, so it is really nice to tick it off and also for me to enjoy it so much. I mean it really felt a dream man. I just felt so comfortable in myself and just going with the flow. I have to thank you so so so much brother! Your love and support has just been transformational for me! Truly changed my life! Make no mistake about that!!! Think of where I was when I came to this forum!!! Honestly brother I owe you so much! I can't put it into words! 

 

I never thought a day like this would come and it doesn't really seem real. This journey really is crazy and just as things can suddenly go so bad, they can also get good again. I am a bit disassociated but in a good way right now, if that makes sense. My heart is just full of so much love for God right now and wonder at this mad but beautiful human experience! 

 

Ah brother I am so sorry to hear about the screen. Like I said last time, I think you seem quite calm considering. I mean these sort of things are just truly horrifically stressful. Just unbearable, especially if we are a bit tired or overrun. Man I am hurting for you, but just so impressed that you even managed to write at all!!! Seriously you are dealing with this so so so well! I am massively proud and don't know how you are doing it!! And really sorry to hear about your knee, I know just how stressful that is, as you know!! Damn it is always 2 or 3s isn't!!!! These things come one after another!! But again bravo for even posting in the circumstances!! 

 

I will be praying so much for you brother! I hope tonight was a bit more calm! Praying for those dreams!

 

So much love brother and again thank you with all my heart for everything!! 

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

WOW! What an exposure! That is incredible man!!! Well done. So glad that it created such good energy for you and no doubt it will have really helped you in a number of other ways. And the facetime as well. Incredible. It is such a transformation from last year - no question, but just as you say, I would also say that you have had a lot to do with my progress! As we have said so many times, our meeting was no mistake. I expect you are still buzzing from that as I write. 

 

It makes sense that you feel a little disorientated in a good way. I know the feeling. I am so happy for you. It puts you in a great position as it was only a few days ago when you were saying about being down in the country for 3 months and no means of indulging in exposures, yet here you are, grabbing one right where it stands. All that time with nothing and you still are capable of doing this stuff. This is truly great man... a massive well done from me.

 

Whilst I don't want to bring the party down, I woke to horrendous depression this morning. It was one of those that was there as soon as you wake. No idea where it came from, just was there waiting for me. Having said that, I was doing my best just to let it be. I mooched for a couple of hours, but then got up and did a repair for 90 minutes, then an hour rest, then a client for an hour. Still not feeling great, but thinking "I am just going to let this be... nothing I can do... just let it do its thing and wait for it to pass". The only issue was that Mrs Scrat being as she is, and there being no food in the house, I had to go and do shopping which after all that was a bit much. On top of everything else, my knees are agony. I use that word quite literally. Walking is so painful. My knees are slowly killing me step my step. This won't have helped the depression of course. 

 

Anyway, go round Tesco as best I could and then car was empty and found that Tesco had closed their petrol station, so had to drive 3 miles off course to get to next one, then 6 miles back home instead of 3. Was exhausted when I got back. But after eating felt better. I am trying to think that tomorrow I could do the same and just let it be. I am trying to get thru it without it ruling my life. I am sick of having those days in bed. 

 

But I really need to get some schedule sorted. Every 2 or 3 weeks this happens. Don't get me wrong, I am really glad to have these strings of days for so long, but my body just gives in, and I need to prevent this. My therapist tells me that anyone in my position would be the same with Mrs Scrat. I really hope her help comes soon and lifts the burden off me...

 

For now, I just hope the way I dealt with the depression today will help tomorrow. Why can't I just have the one bad day and go back to my 2-3 weeks of good days again. Most "normal" people would say they have a bad day every 3 weeks or so where they just don't get out of bed. I need to get perspective. 

 

Trying to be as positive as I possible can in some dark times. It sure does get easier when they are few and far between, but they still hurt when they turn up....

 

Much love brother and well done again for such a wonderful exposure... and the extra exposure!!

 

God Bless