2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey brother! A decent 24 hours. Last night I listened to some music and then went to bed. I then woke and went to the field. Once I got to the top I just stood still for a long while and did a little bit of walking meditation and then came back. Then just the usual. This evening I'm feeling pretty tired. I had to sort out some finance stuff with Dad about our football tickets and refunds. Since I organise the season ticket, it was easiest for me to sort out the refund, but it was stressful and took a lot of energy. The deadline is tomorrow so I had to just bite the bullet and sort it out. Then this evening feeling pretty depressed and the self esteem is so low. It is something I talk about a lot in my therapy. The real problem is my situation forces me into being very isolated and limited in what I can do. I literally have no choice. For sure I can make myself do exposures but there really is limit due my lyme. So I feel this devastatingly loneliness and sense of failure and going nowhere in my life. But rather than using that as a spur to get my life sorted out, I can't do anything about it due my lyme. Apart from my spirituality there is very little I can do about my crushing loneliness. It is like elderly people, they are limited physically and so stuck at home, just like me. Levels of depression are much higher in elderly people for this reason. They just get so lonely.

 

When I was cut off from the world, ironically I was LESS lonely. I was just so immersed in my spirituality and living in this sort of monastic bubble. Now that I am in touch with friends and doing social media and opening myself up it showing what I am missing out on. It is important I do this stuff, as it is part of my recovery, but it actually is harder on the self esteem than when you just cut your self off completely and live like a hermit. 

 

Also I am an all or nothing person. If I do something I like to go full on in. So when I was cut off, it was my spirituality. That was my life. Everything was centred on that. But now with instagram and whatapp and stuff I can't do it as well as people who aren't disabled, so it just rubs it in my face - 'look at all these healthy people living a full life!!!'. In so many spiritual books they say cut off because the values of society are corrupting and draw you into the illusion of the realness of this life and make you forget about where really is your home. Society, now more than ever, is driven by egotism. So even just dipping your feet in, like I am right now, it alerts your ego and your ego senses blood. You lose your focus that this life isn't the real thing and start wanting x,y and z. I want a girlfriend, I want to be healthy etc. You don't actually need these things as I have come see in contemplation and meditation. I am less of an outsider than I was and that brings with it it's own problems. 

 

Wow man massive well done for today! That sounds like one hell of a meeting!! Bravo man!! And then to go onto the shopping, fantastic stuff!! Another mjot achievement for you in this ultimate exposure!! I was so proud reading that! 

 

Ah man so sorry to hear about the NHS stuff! Yet another thing on your plate!! I just really hope this can get sorted out ASAP!! Your patience is amazing man!! 

 

Ok man sorry for about of a rant tonight LOL!! But this loneliness is just eating me up! Plus I have a bit of writers block, so I can't even express it in my poetry, which I often find healing! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Another decent 24 hours!! Awesome... well done. Shame about the return of the depression in the evening. Really odd how we are polar opposites of when we get out moments. 

 

"I feel this devastatingly loneliness and sense of failure and going nowhere in my life."

 

Sounds very much like what I hear from Mrs Scrat every day. You have Lymes and she has some sort of mild immune disorder as she is prone to infections and has consistent hayfever type symptoms. She would have more tests, but the stress is too much for her. So yes, I can see why the depression is there. It is a real shame to feel this lonely. And it doesn't matter when you have people around you either - like you have your parents and brother and sister... but that doesn't help. If anything it makes it worse to see them doing things you long to do. 

 

Regarding the exposures, you are limited to what you can do on that front as well. Unlike the last time you were down at the country where you were visiting family members in the area, and them coming to you... but of course, can't do that at the moment. This will of course affect things. Not being able to feel like you are going forwards because you cannot continue the exposures. I feel the same. Granted I can go out, but things like going to parks and heritage sites etc is a no go as firstly they are all closed, and secondly, Mrs Scrat is not in a position to accompany me.

 

Your second paragraph makes complete sense. I often think the social media is doing the same for the wife. It is driving it home that it is no longer socially acceptable to be ill in this way, despite there meant to be more of a recognition for mental health. The wife has also started breaking out in fits of laughter for no reason. When I ask her, she doesn't know. Then she will switch to feeling depressed or anxious. It is starting to concern me. She hasn't been out of bed at all this week. The closest she got to going out was last night when she took the rubbish outside. No walking, no shopping - nothing. Very worrying. 

 

It sounds like you have got a good hold on what the whole social media stuff can do, and I would stay dipping your toes in for now. I often watch people from my window and see the whole world walking by.... on their phone. Walking the dog.. phone, sitting on a bench.. phone, with the girlfriend.. phone. It's not right.

 

Today was a bit difficult for me. I woke up and felt a bit of sting of stress. It was catching me up. I knew I had to get up and start the day to lose it. It was better once I was awake, but at the same time I needed to take time out. I feel like it is creeping in. There seems to be this pattern of 10-14 good days, completely normal, and then a dip. Fortunately the dips aren't that bad, but I just can't seem to avoid them. It is like the stress is cumulative. I try to be mindful of how much I am doing, but it always seems to catch me up. I need to talk to my therapist about it.

 

Trying not to worry that tomorrow will bring it to a head and I will be over the edge. I had an easy day today - only about 3 hours of commitments, but I was still feeling a bit of stress. Just hope that I have got it in time. Took a dose of the old special K about an hour ago, and that has mellowed me out very nicely. Ideal for some reading and meditation now.

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother just PM'd you! A bit of a crazy night on the instagram!! As I was saying to you in my PM i only go on my phone once a day, twice max. Never take it with me anywhere. I just use my old samsung for that LOL!! I completely agree with all the people on their phones not in the moment. That is why I just have my little samsung. Apart from my mum, NHS and you no one else has the number!! 

 

Funny you should mention my cousins as they are coming on Sunday! I think that is now within the rules! Also my mum has found a osteopath in Bath who does the special treatment I have for my ME. Bath is about 45 minutes away, so not dissimilar to when I have to drive into central London for my p doc or blood tests etc. But just much nicer scenery!! I must admit I am damn scared of going out in terms of cv. With all my complications I really don't want to get it, but then mentally I want to get out of the house! I want to get back into the flow of exposures! So it is a tough one. My dad and sister are both making trips to London soon, so that has probably more risk in terms of bringing back the virus than me going to Bath. 

 

Sorry today was difficult but sounds like you managed it really well! You kept positive and constructive by the sounds of it! That is great to see brother! We have to remember the circumstances right now with cv. I mean I was saying to my dad tonight, I have been down here for 12 weeks now!! And with everything else I haven't really noticed! Last summer was 5 weeks and that was huge for me! So I have over doubled it in less than a year! 

 

Last night I did some reading and then this afternoon just in the field with the sheep! Like yesterday just walked up to the top and then stood still and was just mindful for a long time. Then did a little walking meditation and prayers and then back in. Taking it slowly with this knee situation. Then my afternoon was good and had a good siesta. Then obviously this evening has been slightly nuts as you will see in PM! 

 

I really hope meditation and reading goes well tonight!! I am praying for you and your wife!

 

Love you brother!!

 

God Bless!!

[gail]

Just wanted to say hello and that I have hope for the new med. Makes me sleep a lot.
I walk every day, it helps with the depression.
Thanks for being there, I love you.

[invalidusername]

Just wanted to say hello and that I have hope for the new med. Makes me sleep a lot.
I walk every day, it helps with the depression.
Thanks for being there, I love you.

 

This is great news Gailage. After only a few days... not even 7 like you thought! That is amazing. I sincerely hope this one goes the distance and keeps you walking, smiling and baking brownies!!

 

Much much lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

Quite a hefty PM just gone your way, so will keep this short-ish.

 

Glad to hear you have got family coming over. That will at least help with the exposures somewhat and maintain what you have done for the social anxiety - and all the victories you have had so far. You will have to let me know what is decided about the osteopath in Bath. Not too far, particularly as you will keep moving and not get stuck in London traffic. 

 

As mentioned in the PM, not the best of days today, but I managed a repair, then I had a client in for about half hour, and then some more work on the project - but again, having plenty of time inbetween. 

 

Noticing that I am getting crazy images during my meditation at the moment. Almost impossible for my head to become quiet and get to the nothing place that I once could. And this is what is going on in my dreams where I don't control my thoughts - as meditation is half way between the two. I need to keep working on it - it will get there eventually. Plus I didn't do any reading last night - won't have helped. 

 

Right - time to get back to just that as I am off to an earlier start today!

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. I have sent you an equally hefty PM as well. My day was decent. My days are generally pretty good but then every night the loneliness hits and I get so despondent. I think the loneliness is some of the worst I have ever felt right now. 

 

I slept for over 9 hours. I woke with sleep paralysis, so despite my alarm going off I couldn't get out of bed. But I was enjoying the dream I was having so I didn't really mind. Then went to the field to see my beloved sheep. It was quite interesting it started to really rain hard and they all ran to under the tree! It was so sweet. Plus I could see the fields on the other side of the valley and the cows had done exactly the same, ran to under a tree. Plus the horses had gone into their hut! And I was just standing their getting battered and loving it!!! LOL!! Plus I saw a beauty of a hare running at the bottom of the field! Then I came in and just the usual. Tonight I feel very tired and weak physically and slightly dreading tomorrow. I am not nervous but just feel so flat energy wise. I don't feel in the mood. Just want to rest really. 

 

Sorry your day was a bit flat but pleased you fitted some stuff in but could also rest. Great perseverance brother! Always so in awe of you! You bravery and courage and spirt!! 

 

I really hope you can had a restful night and the meditation goes better. I really hope tomorrow is a good day! 

 

All my love brother! God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail!

 

I couldn't be more proud of you!! Walking everyday is just amazing!!! BRAVO!! And a big pat on the back from me!!!

 

You are so brave and doing so great right now!! What an inspiration to me!! MY HERO! 

 

I am praying for you! 

 

JOY IS COMING!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!!!

[gail]

Scrattage, no more brownies for me, as you know, that risperdal makes you gain weight rapidly. But, in the 15 or so meds that I tried, I never gained. A bit in the belly only.
On day 5 today.on day 8,we double the dosage. No bad effects up to date. Just the sleep that is Disturbed. In bed by 5pm till 4am. And I sleep during the day.

It's the only side side effect. So, not too bad. It will go with time.
You sound better than never, im glad for you. Much lovage my friend.

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

Thanks for the update. Really happy for you, and the sleep isn't such a bad thing, especially as it will go with time as you say. So, if you are to double the dose, that means it will get even better?! Wooooo!!!

 

I have not had a good day today as you will hear from LDN's message from me. It is circumstances that are causing it and in a bit of a fix, but things will work out somehow. Could really do with those brownies!!

 

Lovage

 

Your Scrat

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

Going in reverse - doing the forum first and then your PM as I am already here replying to our Gailage. 

 

The loneliness is for sure the situation you find yourself in more so at the country. So few people and limited engagements you can do - but I wonder if it was better today as you had family over? Interesting experiment....

 

You can't beat a good bit of rain - I mean once you are wet, that is finite. You can't get wetter! You may as well just stay there and enjoy it! And now a hare too... so many animals in one place. I really need this. The best I get is a fox every now and again which is lovely. 

 

Today hasn't gone well. I woke to all sorts playing on my mind. Mrs Scrat is really not getting herself together and all the efforts that I am trying are just not working and it is so painful for me to see her trapped at the bottom of a hole that way. I am not being nasty but she is not so agoraphobic that she cannot walk round the block once, but she hasn't done even that. All week. She needs to start taking more positive steps. When you are part of a couple, you really need to think of the other person. I know this sounds incredibly selfish, but I have done so much and for so long. Yet there is still no change. As I keep saying, if you want to get better, you have to make the change. It won't land in your lap. It is frustrating, upsetting, depressing... and so much more. I am happy to put my life on hold all the time I can see changes being made, but if there aren't then I just give in and accept that my life will be the same old turgid and monotonous one that it is... that is what hit me today... that it will never change. I am really struggling with it now.

 

Sorry to harp on about that one, but it is worrying me and has pulled me down and I don't want my progress to come falling down around me. Eight months it has been now - can't believe it. It is all very well for my homeopath to push me to reduce the citalopram, but just look at what has occurred now - if I was in withdrawal, the sh*t would really hit the fan.

 

Right over to the PM - again, sorry for the downer....

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I am absolutely knackered!! What a tiring day that was for me!!! Crickey! Considering I have spent 2 1/2 months basically seeing no one as well, plus how fragile I am with withdrawal! 

 

So last night did a little reading and slept fine. I woke up and they were getting here about 5. I didn't want to go to the field as I wanted to save all the energy I had so I meditated on my bed looking out the window. I can't even do the lotus position now because of the downstairs pain! Anyway I meditated for 40 minutes and that was pretty intense. I had all sorts of emotions come to the surface. Insane fear, dread but then sudden switches to feeling nice. It was very trippy. I was down the rabbit hole. But it was incredibly powerful and I really gained a lot from it. 

 

Then I came down and said hello. We were celebrating my brother b day and my cousins b day. Just opened presents and snacks at the beginning outside. Then me, my sister, my brother and my 2 cousins went and sat on a picnic rug and they were all smoking and knocking back the booze. My sister brought her speakers out and it really felt like a festival atmosphere. We all got up and danced. I was really enjoying myself. I have done NOTHING like that in years. Obviously I wasn't drinking or smoking but I got very much in the mood just from the energy of the others. I just felt so comfortable and was sort of thinking to myself 'why I have I not been doing this before, this is so fun'. I was so chatty and felt so confident. As I say no drink just vibing off the others. 

 

Then after about 2 hours we got some food and I made my lunch. This was around 8 ish. I haven't had a meal sitting on a picnic rug in years, I always always eat at the table. So bringing my food out was actually a massive exposure even though it seems so small. I also had to take all my supplements while all this was going on and the kitchen was carnage with everybody getting their burgers. Plus remember my meds as well. Then we just chatted and eat outside for about an hour, again with music playing. Imagine man I was eating, talking with the others and had music to deal with!!!! For my mind that is one hell of a lot to deal with. Plus this was AFTER I had already had a dance!! I think I was just running on so much adrenaline and the good energy. Plus I'm sure the 40 minute meditation session helped prepare me a lot! Then we came in at 9 for cake. Went back outside and I was starting to feel so weird. But I kept going and for about 40 minutes just chilled out there. The sun was setting, the music was very chilled and it was magic man! Everybody else was tipsy and merry and it just felt like being 16 again!! I put on Purple Rain by Prince just as the sun was setting and it was a moment man!! It is interesting how music changes in contexts! I only listen on my headphones on my own. But listening in a group of people really changes the dynamic! Then they left at 9 45 ish and I went straight for my siesta!!! 

 

But honestly man those first few hours it felt like I was fully well! It was mad! It was crazy! Just like being back in time! Since all the four others were smoking so much I was getting a lot of 2nd hand smoke but didn't panic over it. Plus music was playing on and off for so long!! And I was having to talk while the music was playing most of the time, which for me is really tough normally! I felt so confident. I was cracking jokes and just letting myself go. I felt no inhibitions. I have had nothing like that for 9 years man! Nothing at all! I was just enjoying myself so much for those first few hours. It is amazing I have felt so weak/tired/flat these last 2 1/2 months but today I just came alive. I'm still sort of shell shocked right now about how good I felt. 

 

The last 45 minutes I did feel a bit weird and my mood started to drop, but I kept going. Plus that was after 3 hours of music, food, smoke, lots of spilled drinks! 

 

I am so thankful to God man! Somehow on these occasions I flick a switch and I become so social and confident. I happened at the pub at Christmas as well. That was an insane exposure for me and I loved it. I think my meditation plays a huge part. Having that inner calm means I can go into these situations and with the adrenaline just let go and enjoy myself. 

 

Also I have had the same schedule for 2 1/2 months since being here and today it was out of the window. I didn't when to take my supplements, my meds. I didn't have my walk, or sauna or shower. My lunch was outside with the others. It was so confusing man!!! 

 

So I then crashed out and woke feeling a bit like 'what the hell just happened?'. I had that emotional handover of sort on one hand being amazed at what just happened, but also feeling I want to do this more and this is what I am missing out on. Honestly right now I can still feel the adrenaline brother!!! Just imagine having a sing along and dance with tipsy young people on a glorious evening, it like this isn't my life!! I swear I did do any drugs but I feel like it LOL!! I am just buzzing and want to be do it all again straight away. 

 

I have to thank you so much brother! I could never have dreamed of doing something like this when I met you. Somehow through your love and support I have got a bit of my old self back. Chatting to mates from school and now this, just surreal. I just don't know what words to say to convey my thanks!! I owe you so so so so much man!! Damn man just going over it has got me emotional! 9 years I have waited for this. I still have a long long way to go, but I am making progress. I still can't quite believe I managed to listen to music and multitask that long, especially considering the circumstances I am in right now!! The fact my brain can do that, even it tires me out, is so hopeful! 

 

My knee was really feeling bad this evening after my siesta, so perhaps I hurt while dancing. But I barely danced properly at all, just sort of moving on the spot and felt nothing at the time. We will just have to see. 

 

I am so so sorry about your situation right now brother! It hurts a lot but I trust God and I trust your plan! I know there is a bigger picture going on! Please please don't apologise. This is what we are all about. And you definitely do not sound selfish at all. In fact the opposite. You are giving so much to help Mrs. Scrat. I have been in her situation and I just pray she can find that breakthrough that I did. I very proud of how you handling this situation!

 

I am sending so much love brother! I will be praying! God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

Just a quick message to say I will fill you in tomorrow, but an insanely bad day this end. No idea where is came from so bad, but stress was off the charts. I have not left the bed all day. All work cancelled. Had a seizure. Really worrying.

 

Sorry I can't type any more. I can barely focus..

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. I am so sorry to hear that! You know I am here for you! I will go to the chapel to pray for you now! I think you are doing amazing brother! 

 

You have had a crazy few days emotionally. To be honest I think anybody in the world would be struggling with what you have faced. Plus add in this cv stuff, this ultimate exposure. Honestly you should feel extraordinary proud of yourself! Let me tell you brother I am unbelievably proud of you! 

 

Remember brother is all part of our plan, however crazy this seems! We are SPIRITUAL BEINGS HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE! This will all make sense once we are home! 

 

My head is pretty empty. I woke to a massive hangover. Not literally obviously but it felt just like one. I had therapy, which I really didn't feel like, felt just like staying in bed. Then went in the field and saw the sheep. But coming back my hurt started to feel really bad and since then it has been in pain. Either dancing or kneeling on the picnic blanket, I must have done something to it. 

 

Plus very nasty depression hit me in field and has stayed for the rest of the day! I understand as since I have been on 0 I have these intense swings of depression at the slightest bit of over exertion or stress. It has happened many times. It is not helping having all these physical issues either, they are stressing me out a bit. It just seems so many things at once. 

 

Again I am here for you my brave and wonderful brother! You are such an inspiration and hero to me! All this during this cv stuff and with my withdrawal I have used you as my idol to look up to and learn from. I have got so much strength from you. I always think of you in the tough moments and think of your incredible courage. You are such a bastion of love and light to me! No words can do justice to what you done for me! How you helped heal me with your love!

 

So much love brother! I know you will make this! You know where I am! I am always here for you!

 

Also no pressure on replying. Take as much time off as you need. 

 

I am with you in spirit brother! All will be well in the end! Once home everything will be so beautiful and peaceful and joyous!! So much wonder is waiting for us!! 

 

Huge love to you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[fishinghat]

A long time since you had a seizure IUN. My sympathies. Be sure and take it easy for a while.

[invalidusername]

A long time since you had a seizure IUN. My sympathies. Be sure and take it easy for a while.

 

Thank you Hat. Yes, it threw me into a bit of tailspin, but I have downplayed the amount of pressure I am under at the moment - as I often do. I need to work more on recognising my own limits and boundaries. 

 

Bless you dear brother.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

Thank you for your prayers. I am still in a bit of shock after yesterday - it really was quite a nasty day. Very conscious of the fact that I had already taken the weekend off to reduce the stress a bit, but it obviously hadn't all come out. But I am pleased to say that after my teaching this evening, I felt a little more myself again. 

 

Thank you for your texts - they really did help to have some immediate contact from you. It makes me aware that you are there all the time, rather than just in the evenings when we write. As I said, when I was becoming convinced that chemistry must have been involved to have got me to that point, I had to check my meds. Sure enough, printed, plain to see "EXP: 01/2019". What on earth?! How can a pharmacy miss this? Are they not aware of the dangers out of date meds can have, even if it is just the lack of potency? I could have called them and asked them to deliver, but I thought, no, this can be a challenge. I CAN do this.

 

So off I went. Got to the pharmacy and explain in a clear a way as I could. Their response was "OK, but where is our pharmacy label"? For goodness sake. "I take the label off as soon as I collect meds as I don't like the thought of the empty packet falling out the outside bins for the neighbours to find". Oh "IUN" is on anti depressants is he? I don't want that to be the chitchat of the street! They didn't want to replace it, but I said, what motive would I have coming down here in this state unless I really had to?! I then told them I would call the surgery and tell them what had happened and then they soon changed their tune and gave me an indate packet. "I'm sorry sir, but we are out of the 20mg, are you happy to double up with 10mg?".... "Oh you mean you DO HAVE 20mg but they are all out of date?". Bit of a trauma that I could well have done without.

 

Home for a valium and a lay down. Hopefully tomorrow will improve knowing I have fixed the main source of the issue. But what if I hadn't checked the meds? I could well imagine that most wouldn't do that. Go to the doctor, the doctor would suggest upping the dose and all hell breaks loose. 

 

But yes, as you said, I have had a crazy few emotional days, it really was a well-timed f**k-up on the pharmacies part. 

 

My rant aside, I was really pleased to read about your picnic situation, the music, the dancing. That is incredible. Not only did you go through with it, but you enjoyed it. That is a great thing - a revelation. Something that you would never have seen on the horizon even a little while ago. Now you can look back on this knowing that you are indeed capable of living this "normality". Awesome!

 

One thing I forgot to mention when you were talking about your insta stuff and you said you sent B a text about it. But surely B was in the other room?! I found it hilarious that you would have sent a text as opposed to going to another room to ask!! I might have been wrong, but texts are very useful if you need to rest your knees or similar!! Next you can ask carious members of your family to bring you beverages of your choice at various points during the day. That said, I often cannot hear Mrs Scrat when she calls from the kitchen in our little 1 bed flat. I just make a sort of grunt that makes not sense at all just so she comes back to the living area to ask as she knows full well that her voice doesn't travel well through the big old thick walls of the Victorian building. 

 

Sorry that your depression came on earlier in the field instead of the more recent evening only. As you have often said, it won't be linear, but again, I hope this was just a slight glitch and the more regularly running has resumed. If nothing, it helps to know when such things are going to happen if they are to, rather than constantly being on alert for the symptoms. 

 

I have been doing a lot of reading the last 2 nights, and it has certainly helped with the dreaming as the experiment precluded meditation. So just a lot of reading. I am still waking up stressed, but that is more circumstantial. I am looking forward to this evenings reading as I only have about 40 pages left before the end of my current book, so I get to chose my next - always an exciting moment!!

 

My thanks again for coming to my rescue - for that and so much more, my love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! What amazing bravery of you to have make that trip to the pharmacy! Honestly I couldn't quite believe what I was reading!! Incredible courage!! That is some heroic stuff man!! I am so inspired by you!!!! You made yourself do it and you came through it. Add in them not even giving you a new pack straight away!!! Insane exposure!!!

 

I am astonished they gave you an out of date packet! Plus almost a year and a half!!!!! That is just disgraceful! And for it to happen at that time as well!! It always happens like this doesn't it! These moments of intense stress come in 2 and 3s never just one thing! Like London buses! Just so weird how it always is like that!! I can think of so so many times this has happened to me! 

 

I am lucky in that I know I am friends with the guy at my pharmacist in London! Very friendly guy! So we have a catch up and he is very flexible! He will give me some clonazepam if I have run out and the NHS hasn't come through! Plus I think my mum even has his mobile number!! How is that for service!! London is rightly thought of lacking community but there are definitely some exceptions to the rule! He is a really smart guy as well, knows a huge amount. You can go and ask him all sorts of questions and he will suggest treatment! Plus you can just go in not have to wait a month for an appointment!!! 

 

I am always here for you brother as I said in my message! Never doubt that! We face this journey on earth together! We are in this together! 

 

I looked over some old poems last night, and it was exhausting. I went through a phase when I couldn't be bothered to right them in notebooks, so just used scraps of paper. I would write poems on the back and front of them. It is so tiring having to go through! Just this big pile of tiny scraps of paper!!! Then I read for nearly 2 hours. This book is great, so so great. But boy is it heavy stuff. It is like a textbook. 2 or 3 pages is enough for one reading, as that in itself covers so so many ideas and information. I learning so much about astrophysics, crazy stuff! The astrophysicist professor was really interested in NDE which is fascinating. Physicists I have found to me the most open to spirituality amongst the sciences. Partly why I enjoy it so much. Their not often hardcore material realists. 

 

Ah with my sister she was asleep and I thought I might forget the next day! So I just sent a message at the time just in case! But with my chronic fatigue it can be useful to just call my mum downstairs on the phone rather than walking up and down the stairs! 

 

Today I woke up and my knee was hurting a lot. But I felt desperate for fresh air and to see the sheep and lambs. So I went out to the field but just walked at an incredibly slow pace. I worked out and new route to the top of the field which involved less steep climbing. Then stayed up there for about an hour, mic of slow walking meditation and just standing still. Was so sunny and then suddenly just started raining very lightly! Then walked back at such a slow pace LOL!! The pain downstairs is very transient, just comes and goes. The rest of the day has been decent. 

 

I was not surprised by yesterdays depression. It has become a real pattern since being on 0. Any sort of exertion leads to a brutal but short lived wave of depression. Then I settle again. It is tough because it makes me want to just do nothing, as I know that any sort of exposure will lead to this inevitable comedown. The day before my cousins came I was saying I wasn't really up for it because I knew this sort of thing would happen. But thankfully it is very short lived. I must admit I have had nothing like this before. If I had really bad depression, it would always be around for at least a few days. I have never had these bursts of really bad depression that go as quickly as they come. It is very strange and very unsettling. My brain seems to be quite incredibly flexible and fluid right now. Just these massive swings with such little effort. You can't feel the brain going through the gears getting into these different states. They just flow seamlessly between each other. 

 

Yeah I wanted to really go through everything that happened on Sunday with you, so I had a record of it. I wanted to have something I could come back to. I was just so amazed that this fragile brain of mine could cope with such a sensory assault. Plus I wasn't even thinking 'I am doing really well here', but just purely in the moment, almost as if it wasn't an exposure at all. It was interesting to see that switch, how exposures just become something 'normal'. Also I was pleased I was capable of feeling so happy and having such fun. When you are heavily traumatised it is hard to get back to that. So that is why I was so buzzing on Sunday night. I actually started crying while writing to you. I got taste of being the 'old me', just free and let loose. Not in a straightjacket, unable to fully let go and be yourself. So it was so moving to get a taste of that. With this and also talking with my mates again I am starting to feel more one of the gang and less an outsider, if that makes sense. And I owe so much to you brother, I honestly can't put into words how much you helped heal me and helped me get to where I am now! Will always be grateful for your love and support when I so needed it! So thank you with all my heart brother!!!! Words can't do justice to what you have done!!! 

 

I will keep praying brother!!! 

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. It did indeed take a fair bit to go to the pharmacy. But it was also you that helped me. At the time I was thinking that LDN goes every day to his field regardless. Therefore, I can do this. Granted not a field, and there is lots of people about, but I have been there before and I can cope. I didnt really feel anxiety per se, just a feeling that I wanted to just get it done and get home. 

 

Sounds like you have got it made with your pharmacist. That is a really good thing you have got there. There are a lot that know their profession. Mrs Scrat just got her prescription of a PPI to see if it will help with her stomach issues. When I saw they were Omepraxole, I instantly knew there was an interaction between those and diazepam, but did the doctor make a point of mentioning it? Of course not. Did he even know? Because she takes her benzo most days, there is a likelihood of there being some kind of issue, so good that I was on hand. Won't be easy for her as she has relied quite a bit on the benzos of late which I am really trying to get sorted out. I know she will have difficultly coming off them unless she does things correctly and she isn't known for her patience. But tough titty, she will do it my way or not at all!!! I do not need a wife on benzo withdrawal man!!

 

Speaking of your poems, I say one that you posted in a story, a longer one that normal, but I didn't know where to find it so I could save it - as I said, I am not good with these things. But it was in yesterdays story - I guess I could find it in your main page somewhere. Will need to look for it.

 

Really sorry that you are still experiencing issues with the knee again. I am sure it will pass. Knees are one of those things like ligaments and ankles and so forth that can be a real pain to heal unless you rest up for 6 weeks or something crazy. Remember I had something similar with a running injury. Really pained me that I couldn't do my run 3 times a week. Really would be loving to be able to do that at the moment!

 

Very ironic about the depression as today I had exactly what I said I didn't get. I had another difficult start to the day - bit of stress and anxiety. But had three clients come in the space of an hour which won't have helped, but I carried on all the same. Then had to go to the vet to pick some stuff up for the cat, take it to the parents, get fuel and teach for an hour at clients home. So a fair bit, but the depression hit me while I was out, which is really strange. I know there has been a lot going on, but it hit bad as it has been such a long time since it has been that hard. Lasted about 2 hours and faded after lunch (around half 8). 

 

But I can see what you are talking about it being unsettling and strange. Makes you wonder where and why they came from. Massive swings with such little effort sounds nasty for you. May well be the motions for the drug withdrawal still knowing how you react to these things, but surely you must be thinking that enough is enough already! We will never really understand what the Lyme has and is doing to your brain, but there is no doubt that it has something to do with it. Such an enigma, and it would frustrate the hell out of me. Much as Hat always says, I have to know!!

 

 Also had my therapy today which came a bit of shock to her. After everything that had happened. She was shocked by it all, and said that she wouldn't be coping at all if the same happened to her. Obviously I explained everything from the PM, and all the tit-bits like the out of date pills etc. It is nice to know that it is a normal reaction. She suggested that I take some time out somewhere - at least for an hour or two a day. It was then that I was telling her about your field. She already knows about you (!), but I said how wonderful it would be if I had some little portal which could take me directly to you for a couple of hours and we could have that time in the field together. How lovely would that be. Might take the sheep a while to get used to me, but I am sure we would get there!!

 

Right, time to choose my new book. Finished the other one last night, but only just before I fell asleep!!

 

Thanks for the continued prayers man, and the imagery that has been helping me these last few days.

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! My head is feeling a bit empty tonight tonight so sorry if this isn't the best message! Last night did a bit more reading and then woke feeling pretty good. I went to the field and like yesterday walked very very slowly to get to my spot. I think the new route I am taking to the top is helping, as my knee felt a little better last night and okish today. I did walking meditation for about an hour and then slowly walked back. Beautiful weather today, wonderful watching the hoards of rooks fly around in the blue sky. Was a lovely atmosphere today. Then this afternoon I felt a bit irritable and stressed. Nothing really caused it, just a sense of being overrun. I am having to worry about my knee, my back and downstairs. Plus of course I am still mentally very fragile and vulnerable from being on 0 and still getting up to speed. Then add I have to sort out my bank card, plus my disability benefits. Then I have to consider should I see an osteopath for my knee or just see what happens the next few days. Then I have my instagram to keep going. I suggested to my therapist to have a week off from it, but she thought it was important to build up momentum and not condition my brain into thinking it needs a whole week off after a heavy exposure like Sunday. She agreed a day off was a good idea but thought it was important not to go too far. A bit along the lines of what you told me 'fake it till you make it'. Then the football comes back Saturday and it's nice to watch that with my dad and brother, so that will take up more energy. 

 

This withdrawal just really has knocked me. Everything is just so much more of an effort and as I say I know have these intense swings of mood. I am on one hand so fragile but equally seem to be able to bounce back so quickly. So it leaves you confused. I have to be so careful and cautious physically and mentally but equally don't want to go into hiding like before. If I had been too cautious I wouldn't have done the party on Sunday and that would have been such a missed opportunity. So it is a fine line and even more tough when your brain is swinging all over the shop! 

 

Yeah the guy at the pharmacy really knows his stuff! Don't need to go to the GP! He is very professional and knows all the interactions. Every time I go people are asking him advice! 

 

So sorry to hear about your depression in the day. That must have been a really nasty surprise. I was like you before, where I sort of had some sense of structure to my mood but now anything goes. But it sounds like you did a huge amount today! Therapy, 3 clients in an hour, the vets and then your parents,plus then an out patient. What an achievement mate after what you have been through!!! Incredible!! 

 

Yes I am not surprised your therapist said that and I totally agree! Anybody would have been completely overwhelmed with everything you have had to face! You are doing superbly well considering the circumstances!! Massive bravo man!! Honestly in awe right here!! Plus agree with her that an hour or two out of the house each day somewhere quiet would be great. My field time is integral to my mental health. Crossing the road and getting away from the house and just having pure peace and me time is massive for me. Just me and the sheep and nature. Can't overstate it's importance to me. Just refreshes my brain. Gives me a chance to breath and take stock. Could you find a wood or something like that to go to? Somewhere near your parents house? It could be a good exposure! 

 

Yeah man would be great to have you join me in the field! Meet my friends!! I think they are leaving soon sadly as after 2 months they have eaten most of the grass! 

 

Plus well done for finishing your book!! I hope you have a nice night man! Will be praying! 

 

Much love! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Brother...

 

I need to get this part out of the way, but another really bad day. Although I woke with very little stress and anxiety, the depression was there fairly soon after I was awake. For some reason I don't take so well to the depression as I do the anxiety. Stress I know I can deal with by slowing things up, and anxiety by doing what I did with exposures, but I just cannot take the depression. It peaked around 3pm and lasted for a couple of hours and it was properly horrendous. 

 

I then went into some sort of freak out as it had been so long since I felt something like that. It was such a shock that I went into sensory overload. I couldn't take any noises at all. They were causing me to shake. And then as if that weren't enough, my downstiars neighbour started shouting an threatening his wife in the street and that really did it. The problem is, I have something of an oath that I will never stand for violence to a woman. So goodness knows how I did it, it was all such a blur, but I dressed and went downstairs and did what I had to. I know it is not ideal, but I needed 15mg of valium to calm - but I did then in 5mg increments. I didn't want to take more than I needed to. Once they kicked in, I felt better and the evening has been easier. But I am still really scared for what tomorrow will bring. I am just trying to tell myself that it can't rain all the time as I often say. I am hoping this initial hit was the worst. So worried to loose all the hard work I put in to have a normal 8 months.

 

Glad to hear that your new route to your spot is working out for you, especially as it helps your walking meditation. A beautiful atmosphere you described too. What I would have done for the quiet today. I really needed it. You certainly have got a lot on by the sounds of it, and great that you are seeing the importance of your walk. I was all geared up to do the same, but as soon as the depression hit, it was THAT bad that I couldn't get myself out. It was the head-spinning, not entirely sure where I was, kind of depressions. Believe me, if I could have gone out, I for sure would have done. but there are times when pushing yourself is definately the wrong thing to do. 

 

Just as Hat has said about anxiety before. Sometimes you need to know when to wait it out when it has really taken hold as the chemical release will overload and become the new normal. If I had gone out in the state that I was, I could have foreseen issues for sure.

 

So just like you said above - very mentally fragile and with your banking, benefits, tickets, insta... there is a lot there for you. Need I remind you of what you said in one of your texts, one hour at a time. It is sage advice. But isn't it so strange that two days ago you were having these intense small moments of depression, and now I have the exact same thing! There is something pulling us together here.  

 

Not up to speed with the sports stuff, so I guess the football is being allowed back after the COVID? Surely not with all the spectators though? There must be some sort of distance something in place? There is going to be a huge hit financially with stuff like the Grand National, Wimbledon and so forth. There is so much of a knock on effect.

 

I was really missing my teaching today. I am getting tired of repair after repair. Sitting in my make-shift workshop looking at the same four damn walls day in day out. I need to be out and about every day again seeing all these different people. 30-something a week I had before this all started. That is a lot of interaction that my soul needs. 

 

What you are saying about going into hiding is exactly what was hitting me today. You are so right. You need to keep the momentum. It is so easy to give into to it and just hide away and let the world get on with itself, but it is not the answer. But as I said, I need my brain to be at a certain level to allow me to do that. You did such a stellar effort with the party - a true inspiration for sure. You can keep this in a memory bank to give you courage when you need it most. 

 

Well I am going to my book early tonight and get as much reading in as possible. Take my thoughts off the stuff from the day. I am not good at letting it go. I know only too well that I will concentrate on it and worry for it coming back again tomorrow if I don't occupy myself.

 

Thanks again for the support - we really need to keep each other going here...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so sorry to hear of your depression. I had the same today! I had a really really tough one! I feel a bit better now but it hasn't been pretty! 

 

Last night I listened to some music and then when I was going to bed I had this sort of existential despair. Just felt completely lost in this world and being at the bottom of society as you feel when you have a disability. My brother was telling me yesterday of this theory about disability that society is the problem NOT the individual with the disability. For example, trains having a ramp for wheelchairs. That should be the norm not something to have to hugely campaign about. I can't speak for other countries but I have to say this country is appalling with it's attitudes to disability. It is meant to be a Christian country but you would never know! Look how Jesus treated the disabled!!! Nothing but love and respect!!! They did a survey of the disabled in this country and the majority said they feel unwelcome!!! Can you imagine? Look at Stephen Hawking, just because you are disabled doesn't mean you are worthless or stupid!! If only Jesus could return and sort this out! He would be disgusted I think at how we treat people with disabilities! So anyway I was feeling pretty low last night, just very disillusioned. 

 

I woke up and my knee was hurting and felt pretty bad. It was pouring with rain. I still went to the top of the field but it was so so frustrating as my knee was hurting so much! I wanted to properly stretch my legs and get some proper exercise but I could barely walk. I hit me so hard. My mental health is incredibly fragile anyway and I need exercise. Being basically incapable of walking was upsetting me out so much. It lead to me feeling so depressed. I got completely soaked, which i don't mind at all, but walking back from the field to the house was so tough. As I got in I just felt totally fed up of my body. My knee, my back, my downstairs, my brain!!! Plus I felt sick after I woke up and my stomach was aching all morning!!! Just physically feel like I am failing apart! Plus now both knees are hurting!!!!!!!!!!!!! Clearly the field is taking it's toll on my knees but then I need that time away from this house i haven't left in over 3 months!!! So what am I meant to do?? So tough!

 

I then came into my room from the shower and the rain has been blown all over my desk and laptop!! I felt so close to just collapsing in utter despair! I somehow kept my cool. The depression was nasty as the afternoon went on but I got my siesta in and now feel a bit better. But to be honest I am feeling close to being snowed under with everything. 

 

I can absolutely relate to everything you say about depression. It is truly horrific. Utterly horrendous. I have had it pretty badly for 9 years now and it is a monster of an illness. One of those things you just can't understand at all unless you have had it. Just takes you to a parallel universe, and not in a nice way. But massive congrats for supporting the woman! I must that doesn't surprise me knowing you and your values and love you hold. But I am so proud of you! What extraordinary bravery and moral courage, even in a time of such difficulty for you! You should be hugely proud of yourself! That is real Christ consciousness on display from you brother!! 

 

I am going to do some reading. The games are coming back but they are behind closed doors, so no fans at all. To be honest it is stressing me out, because it is another pressure. I don't have to follow it of course but it something me, my brother and dad usually do, and really enjoy. So even though they are saying 'oh no pressure at all', I still know how nice it is to watch things with them and how much they enjoy it! 

 

Oh yeah and been having really nasty headaches as well!! LOL!!!! 

 

Well done on getting through today brother! You did so well! Remember I am always here!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Just woke and read that from you brother - I really needed that. I feel very much alone. I needed to know you are there today.

 

Love you man.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

Was so grateful for your message this morning. I felt so alone and really needed to know that there was someone else out there feeling what I was feeling. It really helped and cheered me up a bit. But by the same, I was upset to read that you have been experiencing something similar.

 

I agree completely with your brother, society is the problem. Disability is a way of life just like anything else, and it should be catered for as a matter of course. There should be no big thing over it at all. What you wrote jogged my memory of one of my friends that I met during my early Uni days. The poor girl had one hell of an upbringing; mother was a persistent alcoholic, father killed himself, mother remarried and step-father killed himself, then second step-father turned out to be a kiddy fiddler and abused her (in every wrong way). She ran away from home at 14 and got fostered. She had mental health issues her whole life pretty much, and then got ME in early 20's when I met her (about 20 years ago) and we'd go out in her wheelchair and it was really tough. But the marvellous thing was she found God, and today she is completely cured for all ailments and mental illnesses. Living perfectly well near her amazing foster parents and working to help those in mental health. She is the closest person that I can see the traits of yourself in. Amazing proof of just how life can turn around for the better and how God works in peoples lives.

 

Speaking of which I cannot believe you still managed the field with knee pain and in the pouring rain! I understand that you need to prove to yourself that you can still walk as the alternate doesn't bare thinking about. It is what keeps us going for sure. So what ails your back out of interest? Is it a general pain, dull or sharp? Any area? Is it something that the osteo can put right in your periodic visits? It sure is tough. I can really imagine. You do such a good job of accepting it every day, but everyone has their limits and needs to just let off once in a while. That is one of the reasons for you being here... vent away brother.

 

Today has been ok-ish, but not great. No nasty surprises like yesterday, but I woke again with the feeling of "another day to get through". The not knowing what could occur was colouring that more than anything - you will of course know what I am talking about. I then had a couple of hours of normal! That is why I say your message helped. But I then started to feel quite flat. Everything felt quite pointless. I had things to do, but I just didn't want to do them. I could have washed the car, but couldn't see the point. Zero enthusiasm. I was treading the line between flat and depression most of the day. I could feel that the depression could come at any moment. I did some work, and then made myself go out and do a shopping trip. No anxiety, no stress, just walking around like I just didn't care. Could be worse, but I want my old self back. I need to accept and not fight it, but after 8 months, it is very difficult not to fixate on it. There is so much going on, and I know it won't be easy to get back out from any time soon.

 

How you have managed 9 years is amazing. Especially the earlier days. Like you say, unless you have been there, you simply do not know. I don't think people who have not endured it could even imagine the extent of what it is like. I don't think anyone could possibly imagine anything quite so harsh. It is a mix of so many emotions and just one emotion is hard to explain - like trying to explain colour to a blind person. Where do you start?! 

 

Again, we really need to full together. I need help in accepting what is going on now as it is when I do that I will begin to find relief. At the moment I am panicking that I am going to back-pedal to where I was last year and all I can think is that I will never want to go through that again... ever. But I have been there and I can cope with it, and I can come out the other side. It doesn't have to be another 2 years. These things happen. But as you say, it is tough. So very tough.

 

Trying to calm my mind and not start worrying about tomorrow before it has already got here. Will continue prayers for you, and Gailage of course. Keep up the walking brave brother.

 

Love you so very much

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! So happy my message you help! Your messages hugely help me as you know, so it is nice we can be there for each other! Plus we both really understand what each of us is going through!! 

 

I have to get up insanely early for me tomorrow for the football! Will be the earliest for over 3 months! I haven't really had to get up before 2 this whole trip so to get up 12 15 is going to be so weird! No looking forward to it one bit. But the football is on and what to try to watch with my dad and brother. Plus to be fair I do want to move my schedule forward a bit, but these things are really tough without concrete appointments the next day. Once of the reasons lockdown has been difficult. I never have appointment so I have no reason to motivate myself to get to bed at a certain point. 

 

My day was decent. Last night i read some more and then this morning felt ok and did a shorter stint in the field. My knee was feeling a bit better but I still was walking very slowly. Then the rest of the day fine. 

 

My back has been a problem for I think about a year and a half. Normally I have regular osteopath sessions very nearby my house in London. But obviously I haven't been able to do that in lockdown. We have found this man in Bath, but it feels a bit of an effort with my fragility right now. I stretch every night, which has been helping. It is not piercing pain but just an annoying and draining ache. 

 

It sounds like you did really really well today! You made yourself go out shopping despite not feeling up for it at all, which is fantastic!! I can relate hugely to that feeling of getting no enjoyment or pleasure in anything. Everything just feels so flat and grey and devoid of joy and energy. It is really unpleasant. But to get yourself out in that state is fantastic man! 

 

I so understand about your trepidation about what comes next. I can particularly relate to my withdrawal trauma from 2 years ago. It all came back with this withdrawal and I was so scared of a 'repeat' of what happened. But it is out of our hands. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that. What we can control, we can do our best, but what we can't we have to just let it be. Just try and be as present as possible. That is what helped me during my withdrawal this time. I would say to myself 'I'm not thinking about tomorrow, or next week or next month, just focus on right now'. Just live solely for the moment. It really helped me just ground myself and just float and go with the flow. I was gripped with anxiety and trauma but I just tried to let go. There is a plan in place and my job is to just do my best. Outside of doing my best, let the plan unfold and trust in God. I put all my energy to live with love and then the rest will unfold as it is meant to. Whatever is meant to be is meant to be. You can't fight fate. There are positives and negatives in every situation. So I try and just be curious for what my plan holds rather than fearful. While the uncertainty we have to live with is so tough, equally if we knew everything our future held, that would make living quite boring. Things are sent to us for a reason. I just try and think of the summerland and this bigger picture. 

 

Man we have loads of flies in the kitchen and they are driving me nuts!!!! LOL!!! 

 

So wonderful yo hear your friend found God and is know doing well!! And also helping others!!! What a lovely story and that is what life is all about!! That is so inspiring!! With faith we can overcome so much! God Bless your friend!! 

 

Yeah that is a great analogy about explaining colour to the blind. It is really is beyond words. When I write about it I use analogies and metaphors because it the only way I think to give some idea to those who haven't been there. In my book I'm reading it says it is impossible to describe enlightenment and that only metaphors can give some idea and it reminded me of depression. 

 

Ok brother I have to head to bed early tonight! Must admit it feels very weird!!! But it is a good exposure for me! 

 

Also thank you so much for those incredible words on instagram. That meant so much to me brother!! 

 

I am here for you brother!!! We will make this together!!! You know where I am!! 

 

I will be praying!!! 

 

I love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

So how did the football go?! Can't believe you would get up so early and watch the TV!!! That would be the last thing I would do. I don't watch TV anyway. Maybe the occasional film, but that will be maybe once a month. But I can understand how some people have an affinity with sport. Very strange that there will be no supporters though. Just doesn't seem right to me. 

 

Are you sure you want to try moving your sleeping time though man? I have been there and tried it and it just doesn't work. Wonderful now we are hitting the Summer so we are getting a good lot of sun, but my hours of sleep have been rigid since around 2006. Nothing is going to change!! I remember when I was visiting Eastern Europe as I used to take the flights in the middle of the night and save a fortune on the fares! Plus, when it was off peak, the planes were quite often less than half full, so it was really peaceful. It does have it upside sometimes!!

 

Really glad to hear you had a decent day and that your knees are doing ok. I just hope your back can follow suit. I remember you talking about the Bath bloke before. I guess it is a case of weighing up the pros and cons. Does it get worse or better after sleep/siesta at all? Or does the walking aggravate it?

 

I am overjoyed to say that today was also fairly decent for me too today! Waking was tough still but things levelled out and I was trying to just stay in the moment as you were saying in your message and it soon hit me that so much of my depression was fear of it returning, and I was spending a lot of time considering what it will be like and how I will cope - not in the moment at all. 

 

I had a bit of work to do, and there was still some moments of flatness occurring, but I kept telling myself that every day has been gradually better, so just stick with that. Then having realised that I hadn't been out or had any interaction apart from Mrs Scrat, I went out to see a neighbour for half hour, and then went for another half hour walk. Sure it was only an hour, but far better than to have sat in and not done anything. Shame to say that Mrs Scrat is still there. But as I said earlier in the week, I really need to get myself back on the straight and narrow. Get all my strategies and keep going and come out the other side.

 

"I put all my energy to live with love and then the rest will unfold as it is meant to."

 

Lovely sentence brother. Very much like your poetry. These are the ones that really stick, and that is a good thing as I can keep coming back to them easily in my head.

 

Very quiet forum for the last couple of days. Quite odd as it has been really busy of late. Suppose that is a good thing if people are finding support under their own weight. 

 

Brain has gone empty all of a sudden. Sorry man! Not often that happens, but I think it has had enough this week! Look forward to hearing from you in the morning!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! You won't be surprised to hear I am knackered right now!!! I did get 7 hours sleep but apart from my siesta been up since 1pm!! Plus got a physio video call tomorrow at 3!!!! I completely forgot but as my mum was going to bed she mentioned it and I remembered!! So I will need to hit the pillow soon!! Also I normally get at least 8 hours since I have been here, so for me 7 is really short! Even one hour seems to make a difference! 

 

So so so happy about your day brother! That is wonderful to hear!!! Great that you could see a neighbour and got 30 min walk in!! Great motivation there man! 

 

Yeah same about tv, I never watch it!! But today was the first time since I got down here! Only for football nothing else! There are not any more early kick offs this season thankfully! Next Saturday is 3pm, so not too bad!! My brother and dad would go to the games if it wasn't for cv. I would ideally go if I was well enough. For me football is my one sort of escapism if you like. All my other interests are sort of spiritual, art related or intellectual really, so it is nice to have one sort of from of entertainment that isn't that deep and just a bit of fun and community. Plus once you get an emotional attachment to a team, it becomes more than a game. It is something I have done all my life with my brother and dad. In some of my worst depressions following my team has been a massive escape. It doesn't demand huge attention and is just pure escapism basically. But yeah it is super weird without fans. Not right at all. It is really the atmosphere that makes it. Packed stadiums and the chanting and adrenaline and drama. With empty stadiums it is almost boring. So much of it is about the event! 

 

The game today was rubbish LOL! We lost, but it was actually really really good to have a different day structure for the first time in 3 months. I went for a short walk in the garden in the afternoon and felt really good. I have done exactly the same thing for 3 months and to just break that cycle felt so good. Just makes you feel more alive, rather than living in some simulation. When every day is the same, the days blur together and you sort of just find yourself in a stupor. I sort of felt rejuvenated today, more fresh mentally, life less flat and more exciting. I just stood at the bottom of the garden and the colours seemed more bright and beautiful.

 

Just shows how braking your cycle can be so beneficial. I think about your dear wife and how great it would be if she could break that cycle she is in. It will be terrifying not doubt, but maybe the other option is more scary. That is what she needs to see I think. If she doesn't break this cycle, the implications are even more scary. That was what did it for me with the social anxiety. I realised if I don't make a change now, then this is my life. Stuck in a house all day forever. That thought forced me to get out of the house. Even though I was absolutely scared out of mind by doing it. It is one of those 'f*** it' things, what I have left to lose anymore. Remember I couldn't leave the front door even to go to my local Sainsburys, that is 2 minutes walk. I couldn't even just walk down the road and back. So I can relate to your wife so so much man! Obviously very slowly and very much small steps. Once you can break that spell the fear and anxety have over you it is such a beautiful moment. I mean I was really anxious last night. One about going to bed much earlier and two about getting up so much earlier. I was really uncomfortable with changing my routine since I have been down here, but now having done it, I am so happy. It has empowered me. 

 

Man these flies are doing my damn head in!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!! There buzzing all around my head and I already have a headache!! I hate killing them with the fly gun, really hate it, but I have no choice really. Otherwise we get infested with them!

 

When I say changing my sleep routine I don't mean to like 'normal' people, I mean more going to bed at like 6 am or eventually 5 am rather than 8 am!!! Certainly don't think I will ever go beyond 4 am!!! Basically just more like your timetable brother! 

 

'I was spending a lot of time considering what it will be like and how I will cope'  - This is the thing brother, I get this as well! We spend so much energy on things we don't even know if they will happen! I can get so so worried and then the thing doesn't even happen anyway!! That is why I try and just stay in the here and now as much as possible and just go with the flow!! 

 

Ok man really empty head here and headache as well! My knee was ok today but I didn't go in the field!! My back isn't great in the mornings feels quite stiff, but often worse in the evening when I sit down a lot reading/ doing instagram/ doing the forum / having my supper / checking stuff online. Sitting for a long time seems to be really bad for it. 

 

Sending so much love brother!! 

 

God Bless!! 

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

No - not at all surprised that you are knackered! So how did today do? I expect you needed a bit of a rest? But you had the physio call - how did that go? I still can't get my head around this football without supporters. It is just not right!! I know noting, nor have I followed football, and even I know that! I pretended to support Manchester United when I was in primary school because everyone had to have a team. I even got one of their team tops from a charity shops and I regularly bullshitted my way through conversations. "Did you see the game last night?". "Can you believe what Everton tried to pull?"... "Er, yeah... no way". I didn't have a clue!! LOL

 

It is great that it had such a positive experience on you. That is what it is all about - even just changing your routine to do so. That is how it is done. Lovely how you can see colours completely different just as a result - but you just notice them more. It is a wonderful thing.

 

Woke up and actually felt almost normal today, so that was a plus point. Mrs Scrat was already saying how bad she was before I had my sip of tea. It's not going to get easier. Really need these mental health people to get involved asap. She has now started to cry ever time I have to leave the flat. It is getting really bad. 

 

But I had to get out today. I went to my parents because it was fathers day - and my sister, husband and child were there, so did my bit. However, I really wanted to wash the care more than anything, so made sure I did that. The only thing that has concerned me is that I have developed xanthelasma, which are small deposits of cholesterol under the eyes. In my case, it is only very small and barely noticeable, but in some cases, it can signify an underlying condition of having too high levels of cholesterol, which of course means heart issues and so forth. I mentioned it to my parents and they told me that my father has high cholesterol, and his father died from heart failure, so it is in my genes. So naturally I started panicking.

 

I eat really well, and I am below average weight for my height, I walk regularly enough, don't smoke, don't drink and am vegetarian, so my diet is good, but apparently it is a liver problem where it doesn't digest and break down the fats correctly. It can be controlled with medication, but that is my freak out. I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life. Once I am off Citalopram, it will be amazing to wake up and not have to take anything. But I did my best to drag myself out of it but reminding myself that this is only our human shell. It is not forever, because when we are free from our shells, there will be no medication at all... nothing.. nada. So just another thing to look forward to in the Summerland!

 

Really sorry to hear about the flies. I would have real difficultly as I never kill anything. I have a pop at Mrs Scrat when she goes at them with her slipper - or spiders. I catch them and release them, but it sounds like you have a real issue there. And for another thing, it will not do your heath any good. Tough call.

 

I tried to show Mrs Scrat what you were writing, but she is just too bad. You are so right about what you say, but it has just got that far passed it all - even a walk is a line somewhere off in the distance. As I said, I just need to keep chasing up these people to help her... and me. I really cannot keep this up along with my study, work, shopping, parents etc. No-one could.

 

Right - time to get back to my new book. Lovely new one about a half-human, half-magic girl who lives on the edge of a woods and tried to fit in to the village she lives in with her grandmother. Nice little fairytale. Just what I need - escapism. Just like your football!!

 

Much much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! So pleased you woke feeling well and had a good day! Great you got out and washed the car!! Fantastic stuff!! 

 

As we have cows at the bottom of the garden, it is just swarming with flies here. It is really tough. I hate killing them, and I didn't but from an hygiene perspective there is unfortunately no other choice. It's not one or two, it is loads! I never kills spiders, not even scared of them luckily. If it wasn't the kitchen it would be ok, but they got on the food and everything. That is after having been on cow crap and the rest of it.  My mum has one of these sticky tapes and then we have the gun. Ironically despite me hating killing them, I am really good with the gun. I always make sure I am not angry when I kill them. I sort of am praying for them in my head. They do annoy me SO much, but if I kill them in a state of mind of aggression, it then it will re-enforce negative thought patterns. So I make sure I am incredibly calm. But it does hurt. However, we weren't killing them at the beginning and since then the number of them has greatly increased. As I say we get infested otherwise. It is a countryside issue I think. They like the cow poo and gravitate towards that. Horrible thing to do though. 

 

I woke absolutely knackered, only managed just over 8 hours and needed more after yesterday. But I had to get up for the physio WhatsApp call. That went well. She said that wellies are terrible for walking in, and that they offer no support. But of course the field is completely covered in poo, so I can't wear my trainers. So I will have to buy a new pair for the field, so I only have to wear the wellies when it raining. Not ideal the extra cost, especially as trainers do not often come cheap. I got my present pair in a sale. I said I would buy a cheap pair for the field and she said if you buy cheap they won't be good quality! Plus she said to ice it often. Then she gave me a few stretches. She said it is isn't improving in 5 days to a week she might come over to the house to do some work on it. She lives in the village, so nice and near! I'm icing it right now!! 

 

Now tomorrow I have my therapist, so have to get up for that!! 3 mornings in a row man!! That is seriously rare of late! Got a massive headache right now! Same as what I felt last night! My day was pretty relaxed afterward the video call. Went in the field for about 30 minutes. As I say just feel very headachey and really knackered. Can't really face another morning appointment but the physio could only do Sunday, so I didn't really have much choice! I will try and read for a little and then go to bed. 

 

So sorry to hear about your wife. I pray every day. I really hope as you say the mental health appointments can come soon. Remember brother that caring for someone seriously ill is a huge stress, so you have to add that into the equation. It just further shows how amazing you are doing! You really should be immensely proud of how your progressing. Add in the cv stuff as well! Your are just smashing it right now! I really hope you are immensely proud of yourself brother!! 

 

Also sorry to hear about xanthelasma. My dad has to take medication for high cholesterol and he says they have no side effects, apart from making him more tired at night. As you say this shell is just for our human experience, thankfully home is waiting for us brother!!! The shell is just the hardware for our software!! 

 

My head is hurting here but I hope you had a good evening and enjoyed your book!! Sounds really great! I am looking forward to finishing this one I'm reading at the moment and getting onto to reading some poetry. It is great but just so heavy!!! 

 

So much love and prayers brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Just sent you a PM, so will keep this fairly light given the content of that! 

 

This news aside, my day has been another good one. Went into town in peak hours, heaving with people and 20-something degrees. Had to go to the bank and the post office. No issues at all. Mind was having a pop and trying to tell me otherwise, but I just got on with the tasks at hand. Then 3 hours of skype clients, and another quick shopping trip. Not too much. I knew then I had to call it in as I need to keep calm and together for a few days now.

 

"I always make sure I am not angry when I kill them. I sort of am praying for them in my head."

 

You know, you would be the one person who I would say that would do this! People don't understand life is equal in all. I have this conversation with so many people. People ask if I had to kill either a human or a mouse, which would I kill? I always say the human, as at least the human would understand why I am having to do it. Crazy but its true. To me a mouse has every right to live as I do. Sure people would say that the human could make some amazing discovery later in life... but so could the mouse make some genius mousey discovery!! He could save another mouses life!!

 

Really didn't think of the wellies not giving support. That would of course have a big bearing on it. Good call from the physio there. In terms of shoes, just go thru eBay. People sell decent shoes for very little money. I always buy mine from there. I don't buy new leather as it supports the trade, which in many countries cows are bred purely for their leather. But the last pair I bought lasted me about 4 years and cost £7 with postage!! Very comfortable too. Obviously something like Karrimor boots will fetch more of a premium because of the name, but I am sure you will find something similar for a fraction of the price. 

 

Woh, so you have another early morning?! How did that all go?

 

These headaches seems to be quite frequent of late. You have mentioned them quite a lot in your posts. Quite possibly the back issues as it will be putting strain on the vertebrae, so hope the stretches help. Have to say that Kratom really helps with headaches - and pain in general. But for headaches, you don't need much and it knocks it right on the head. Far better than OTC painkillers I am sure.

 

Thank you for you kind words about the wife and what I am doing. I rarely give myself credit. She had a couple of melt downs again today - whenever I leave the flat as I said. But I need to keep going. But she perked up a bit when she saw I got a reduced Tesco's Finest Victoria sponge. Not much, but it is good that she can see the little positives.

 

Right reading time. Wishing you well, and prayers for your headaches and these early starts. You will need to let your body recover now all is done. We both know these early starts are a huge stress, so for you to tackle three in a row is a massive undertaking. Really well done man - very proud brother. I hope you have a good rest this evening.

 

Loads of love...

 

God Bless