2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Coucou my angel!!

 

YEAH!!!!! SO happy to hear about your day!! That warms my heart!! Beautiful!! 

 

I hope this continues!! 

 

I will continue to pray for you - for HOPE and LOVE and PEACE and JOY!!! 

 

I love my Princess!!! God Bless!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thought that forum lockdown would have you running for cover!! Only happened once for 4 days, and that was quite difficult. Shows how much we rely on this wonderful digital haven.

 

Really sorry to hear about this pain downstairs coming back, but after all the prodding and poking with your stomach, it can really only be the withdrawal. Like you say, your body has a lot to face at the moment, and the stress of it all will for sure have an effect. Glad you got the sleep you needed though. 

 

Speaking of which, I got woken up at half 9! I put my address on facebook business and gave it a kickstart obviously, but people are now just turning up at all hours of the day without calling first! Sure it is business, but I really didn't need that. I had to quickly put clothes on, brush my hair and look normal in about 30 seconds! I know it is money and all that, but I still need my 7-8 hours man!! I was thinking about just taking the flat number out and just leaving the building so people need to call and I can pretend to be out

 

I really get what you say in your paragraph about not feeding the negative. The negative begets negative so for sure... you let it get to you and it turns from something chemical into situation AS WELL. Then it is a bastard to deal with. Just keep telling yourself it is chemicals. It is sort of like being out in hot weather and not being able to find shade. You have to deal with being hot, but you know it will eventually fade. But if you let yourself get bothered about it, it will only make it worse for you.... if that makes sense! Might be too tangential

 

Regarding Mrs Scrat, we have gone back to the GP and asked to change back to the people we originally asked for - did I say that? I can't remember - sorry man. I looked up this service and they have got some awful reviews - people waiting for so long. Anyway - we cancelled this - I got confused with what Mrs Scrat was saying thinking it was the better lot calling, but it wasn't. That was today, so we spoke to them and told them outright that they shouldn't let people hold on as long as they are. That is just as bad as the NHS service I was getting. It makes people worse man! And given that Mrs Scrat has abandonment issues, this would only screw her up further. I need to be on my game with this.

 

So... upshot being that GP is now doing a proper referral to this other lot who are trained in primary care to actually help people rehabilitate into society which is what she needs. Talking will come afterwards as she still can't trust or properly open up to people. And who would blame her when she never sees anyone other than me and occasionally a client of mine?

 

Ah - the p doc - so I did get confused. Easily done at the moment - apologies! So yes, keep coming back here for your therapy whilst you don't have any. Text me, or email... we can help each other. Gailage too... Hat, Frog, AJ - we're all here to talk. Love it. Never alone.

 

I have also bookmarked that article for the very same reason!! Also sent it to my parents as they STILL think my condition is bogus. People think you can "just" go to bed earlier and your body clock will sort itself out. Will it bollocks. I was up 3 hours earlier and I am SO exhausted but I cannot sleep until 4am. I don't GET tired earlier just because I was awake earlier. It doesn't work like that. 

 

You and me against the world dear brother... and that is why I love you!!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. So last night after I posted I went and read for a bit which was nice but then just as I was going to bed I had some constipation and then once in bed my pain downstairs suddenly became completely unbearable. Sorry for the details but it is hard to describe otherwise. But man the pain I was in was something else. Obviously that part of the body is very sensitive to say the least and I was just in agony. The stress I felt was huge. It was like I was in a different dimension. My body was just consumed with pain. I was trying so hard not to completely panic, but it was hard. I don't like to say this but I thought to myself i need to die, the pain was that bad. The nerve ending down there were just going apesh*t. I was going to get some painkiller but then I feel asleep. How i have no idea. I found cradling down there helped, with the warmth from my hands. Again sorry for the details. 

 

I woke and obviously felt pretty traumatised having fallen asleep in such horrendous circumstances. But quite quickly I relaxed. The pain was much reduced, if still very sensitive. When I had ketamine it caused pain down there, but not too this level. So there is obviously some sort of relationship between my brain chemicals changing and triggering my nerve endings in that region. So bizarre. I was trying so hard last night to acknowledge this was simply my shell but it is really hard when you are that much pain. Yes it is only my shell but I still feel it. It was like I was getting tortured. Torture causes huge emotional and mental problems. It has just completely knocked me, when I was already feeling so fragile. 

 

I went to the field and had a nice time in the rain, so that was good. Then my afternoon was fine but when I had lunch I suddenly had this wave of depression and despair and fear. I can't help thinking about 2 years ago and how horrific that was and this just feels like massive deja vu. I keep saying to myself 'how the hell have I let this happen only 2 years later!!!'. I know it is not my fault but I can't help but feel I am emotional broken. I suspected this would happen to be honest, so I am not surprise. With my lyme my body and brain just can't take a long drawn out withdrawal. Eventually you cave under the pressure and completely break down. It is exactly what happened last time. Everyday of withdrawal is another day of stress and I just haven't got the resources anymore. I have been in withdrawal since January, plus lockdown, and it has got to me. I'm surprised I lasted so long. 

 

I have no idea where to turn or what to do. If I call my p doc he will just suggest some more drugs and I then I will have to face this whole thing again coming off. So that rules that out. I don't see the point of going back on chlorpromazine since I am sure I don't need it and this is purely withdrawal. Before my fiasco 2 years ago I had never been on it and I was fine. So going purely to stop the withdrawal seems short sighted. Fundamentally I am in a position of chronic stress and huge emotional trauma and you can't really take drugs for that. One of the most terrifying moment of my whole life happened 2 years ago and I am completely re-living that horror, having thought I had moved on. There is also the placebo element of 'I was doing so well on that cocktail of drugs why the hell did you mess with it!!!'. I feel naked and unsafe without the drug, even if it wasn't helping. The fact I was doing good while on it, you think to yourself 'why mess with that'. I suffered for 9 years and finally started to do well so why change things. I know I had good reasons for coming off at the time and it was something I always planned. But it just inevitable your brain is going to go 'look you were doing well so you shouldn't have changed anything'. That is just a natural response I think. I've tried so hard to resist this way of thinking - 'you were doing so well and now you have fuc*** it up, you idiot'. But I am so tired and weak and fragile and it is hard to look at the situation in a more nuanced and logical way. 

 

I thankfully woke from my siesta feeling much better and much less depressed and this evening has been fine. So like I have said before my state of mind changes incredibly quickly and I have remember this. But the events of last night and then the depression this evening have really hit me. That total fear I felt during lunch was just horrible. That what happens with these drugs they get in your head and you sort of brainwash yourself that you can't live without them. If I was going through everything I am but there was no withdrawal it was just natural it would be so so much easier right now. I would just say it is out of my control and just totally let go. But since it is withdrawal I have to face this voice of 'your doing this to yourself, go back on the drug' - which is so tough. It's like an emotional dependancy on the drug. One part of my brain is telling me I can't live without it and it just makes me so so scared. 

 

Anyway God bless you for listening. I'm letting it all out and it can't be easy to hear, so thank you so much brother. I spoke to my parents as well and they are so supportive, but you have lived this yourself. Sometimes it feels my brain is out to destroy me man. It is such hard work keeping sane. 

 

To be fair it has been about 2 1/2 weeks since my last really bad episode and that is really encouraging. So there are lots of positives and even last night before the pain came I was feeling pretty good and relaxed as I say. But ultimately when you are so fragile and vulnerable as I am right now, the horror of last night can tip the scales. The intense stress of such an episode weakens your defences and then all the negativity comes flooding in. Very good analogy you had about the hot weather and the shade. Last night was like getting stung by a bee while looking for the shade!!! And stung by a bee in a very delicate area as well LOL!! 

 

Sorry for this being so one sided, but it helped a lot to clear some things in my head. Sorry about your early call!! How annoying! I hope the rest of your day was ok! And that sounds like a good idea about the therapy and making sure you get the right one. Your doing great brother with your care for your wife! Such a beautiful thing to witness!! What a kind person you are, so full of love. It is inspirational to see. I am so proud to know you!

 

I will keep praying brother! 

 

Love you God Bless!

[gail]

Should I or not? reinstating the med to one third might me the right thing to do. Your body needs it to feel better. Please London, you're very hard on yourself.
Fishinghat suggested it once, and I'm with him.
Your body might need it.

Sorry if I offend you, withdrawal should be over by now. I really think your body needs it.

I love you my Prince!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Oh - but first Gail... you could never offend our brother! He has to be the most gentle pacifist the world has seen since JC 2000 years ago! I am really not sure about the whole reinstating thing. It has been a while now and it is a marathon that needs to be completed, if LDN stops, the marathon only gets harder to finish. Might be putting words into his mouth, but I wouldn't want to see him stop when better days might be just around the corner. Prayer over pills at the moment

 

Has been quite a long day for me, even though there wasn't much work. I went to see my parents and spent a long time with the cat though. Giving him such a fuss as he rolled around in the dry grass - he was loving it. With my parents at home 24/7, he is really in his element! He suffers from separation anxiety - seriously. Whenever my mum goes out, or even leaves the room, he meows his head off!

 

Really sorry to hear about these downstairs problems coming back. I can well imagine the stress - anyone would be the same. Have you spoken to anyone about it? Don't worry about details - just wondering if Hat has anything he might know of. It is a very strange withdrawal effect, but as you say, anything seems possible with these things. Have you done any web research about it? You are more than welcome to be more specific and I will help the search...

 

You had rain?! I was really hoping we would have some down here, but it threatened but nothing more. The air is getting really thick and musty.

 

I also posted a new topic with an amazing poem - bit emotionally heavy, but I am thinking you might appreciate the poetic side;

 

https://www.cymbalta...-moving-videos/

 

I am really torn with your situation. It is so painful to see you like this and I would do anything to improve the situation. The thing is there might be something to the whole Lymes that is affecting the withdrawal. Maybe Gailage is right to go back on a small dose. It is such a medical labyrinth and so many variables to your condition. As I said, all I have for you at the moment is prayer. I am at least thankful that you are able to get these good moments which gives the hope that things are capable of being "normal". But never underestimate the climate at the moment...

 

The other thing I did today was going to see a neighbour of my parents. I met the chap at my mum's birthday do last year - which was one of my big exposures if you can remember that far back. Well, he and I had a chat about mental health and I thought nothing more about it until today. He got in touch - having got my number from my parents. He was in what he said was "a dark place" and he didn't know anyone in the area who could help and I was the only person he could turn to. I spent about an hour with him. He was given Citalopram by his GP and he took the first dose today, but I talked him off them until he had seen a good therapist. Very much situational depression and I could see that talking helped, so I am quite sure I did the right thing.

 

Thank you again for your kind words brother. You know I am always here for you regardless. And again, I will continue to pray this end...

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! So firstly thank you so much for being there and listening to me!! Honestly it makes a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference! Last night was a great example! I felt so much better after I posted. Writing it all down made such a difference. When I wrote that if I wasn't in withdrawal but had the same situation otherwise it would be much easier, that was lightbulb moment for me. It showed just how much of what I am going through is psychological. There is a huge amount of trauma and stress I am dealing with from 2 years ago and drugs don't heal trauma. 

 

Luckily my therapist could fit me in today for an extra session. I had asked if she was free on Friday and then this morning as I was waking my mum said she could do a session at 5. So that was fantastic! Thank you God for that! I actually read what I had written to you just before the session as it was exactly what I wanted to go over. She completely agreed with me that fundamentally this was a psychological situation. She said the fact that I said if I wasn't in withdrawal in would make a big difference showed how much this was about past trauma. We agreed just how important how your reaction to the chemistry is and that was the key. She also agreed it was probably likely my pain downstairs was something chemical, seeing as I felt the same thing after the ketamine. I did lots of tests just last winter, so it seems unlikely something new would have come up. I haven't had any injury, so it can't be put down to that. With the ketamine it just completely went away. It basically the nerves at the tip are incredibly sensitive. But therapist did say that the fact i could manage to get to sleep despite being in such pain suggested it wasn't something serious. The pain today has been fine but it still is very sensitive. I would say I'm really in pain but at the same time I am aware any minute it could get seriously painful if that makes sense. Obviously it is a massively sensitive part of the body as well and probably the worst part you have pain. 

 

The rest of my day has been fine, just feeling a bit sensitive and fragile and ropey. But writing to you and then the therapy really helped me reframe my situation. Also my therapist agreed with me that because of the pain and the worry over feeling pain in that part of the body, it would have left me open to the negative thoughts as my attention was elsewhere and my defences were down. 

 

Ah lucky you brother, to spend some time with the cat!! That must have been wonderful! That put a real smile on my face to read that!! My friend in the village who has a staffy, says she has massive separation anxiety. She follows him to the shower, the toilet, the hut in the garden. He said when he is out it cries!! It is funny because he told me I am the only one in the family who is not scared of her. I mentioned before to you how she has some serious muscle on her. Crikey, just this ball of muscle. And so energetic! Holding her on the lead must be exhausting!! 

 

Yeah it has been raining a lot the last two days here. I didn't manage to see the sheep today! First day down here that I haven't I think, apart from when they were at the barbers! 

 

I remember well your mum party brother! It was one of your secret exposures! I couldn't believe it at the time! I remember you met a girl who was very interested in your book and you gave her a copy!! That is so nice of you to help out the neighbour, again just shows what a wonderful and caring and kind person you are! I agree completely with what you suggested. My major advice is to get therapy before you try drugs, unless of course the situation is extreme. So many things are situational or down to patterns of thinking or certain behaviours we need to change. Drugs really should be a last resort. Also with the climate at the moment, that will likely be playing a huge part. 

 

I hope you have a nice night brother and a good day tomorrow!! 

 

Thank you again SO SO much for your patience and being there!! You are truly making a massive difference!!

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless!!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail!!!

 

Thank you so much for your words my love! I feel so honoured to read you! It touches my heart your love and support! It means the world to me!

 

Thankfully I talked to my therapist again today! That was a gift from God! Generally the last 2 1/2 weeks have been not bad for me but yesterday because of my severe pain my defences were down, the negative thoughts and panic got to me. The lockdown is still very much in force here, so it hard to do medical checks. But once they open that up, I can do some tests for my pain downstairs if I need to! I know you understand all about the stress of lockdown my love with your fiasco to get the treatment for the bubbles! How brave you dealt with that! That is a true inspiration for me right now!!! I look to you my love! 

 

I think for the moment I will stick to what I am doing, since yesterday was my worst day in 2 1/2 weeks and the pain made me panic. Plus I have huge trauma here my love from 2 years ago. It is like PTSD really for me right now. Thankfully i have you and IUN and my therapist for me to talk through the trauma I am feeling. I thank you so much for that my love. One day at a time I think. 

 

I hope the lower dose of Seroquel is working! I will pray for this! Plus HOPE and JOY and LOVE and PEACE! 

 

I think of you so much my love! We have cows down the bottom of the garden in the field and they remind me of you!! 

 

You are my hero and inspiration and to think of gives me joy and strength! Please know this my love!! 

 

I adore you!!! 

 

Plus I hope the washing machine is ok! 

 

I hope you are resting well my angel!!! 

 

Again thank you so much for your words, your care for me touches my heart!!! 

 

I love you my Princess!

 

God bless!

[gail]

Scrat and London,

One day at a time and at times 30 minutes at a time. Scrattage, I agree with your nice words about London, so beautifully said. Never heard that about someone.

As for the reinstating, I'm glad that you see that it's mostly trauma. What an example of wisdom, force, intelligence and love you are London.

I can even see that Scrat has changed for the better because of you. You two are my heroes and I hope to be like you some day. Strong!

Seroquel has done nothing for me, except the first five days, so I'm at one half for one week, then bye bye. The anxiety is so strong70% of the time. The crying goes on and on. I can't live like that. We need to find a med that works. It won't cure but it'll give me peace of mind. I panic for the smàllest thing, dear God, it's too much. Prayers seem to fly by.

Oh how heaven seems peaceful. I want to go there. No good days in eight days.

Seeing the doctor on the 15th. We'll have a serious discussion. Meanwhile, I'm looking up for some meds. Please pray for me, thank you. Gailàge, and your princess.

[invalidusername]

Gailage...

 

I had a long journey in my car today. I have no radio or anything... mainly because I like the sound of my car (!), but I also do a lot of my praying, and this journey gave me an opportunity to have a word with the big guy upstairs about what you are going through. Like I said about LDN, your situation is equally an enigma, and we need some divine interpretation to set things right for you. 

 

Someone up there needs to move a doctor or a specialist in the right direction to get your "shell" in order. 

 

The Summerland will always be there waiting for you, but we are told never to rush it. When we get there, that is our eternity, and so many wonder what the rush was all about. Earth is our summer school and we experience things we cannot experience there. For whatever reason you needed to learn what you are going through - as tough as it seems.

 

Prayer is your friend - and mine for you will continue,

 

Much much lovage

 

Scrat

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

You make a very good point, a VERY good point that you say how you feel after writing all this down and feeling the benefit of that. Drugs can't do this - absolutely. They have always been the go-to response for so many situations, but since when did it get to be so wrong to feel down once in a while?!

 

I tell you, it is all the media, facebook, twitter and all that telling us how we should live and breathe. This gets to us. I see it everyday with Mrs Scrat. Her world is online; she never sees anyone. She went out for 15 minutes today - first trip outside all week. 

 

You are right to do your reading, your walking, your meditation and so forth. Granted it isn't all the social activity that others may have, but you are not distorting your reality.

 

Really glad you managed to get an extra session in, and it sounds like it came at just the right time too. I also included you in my prayers during my journey today at the same time as Gailage - specifically about this pain. There are so many things we do not know, and some times it is better just to put it over to the only people who can help.

 

But this sort of pain is one that the opposite gender will never know. I remember vividly when I was 17, I was at my best mates birthday party and a girl wanted to get back at the girl I was dating at the time, so she told her that I had a "thing" with her. Obviously nothing could be further from the truth, but my girlfriend bought it. She marched right up to be and kicked me square in the crown jewels wearing Dr Marten boots. Man... I cannot tell you. I spent about 40 minutes on the kitchen floor before I could move.

 

I really enjoyed my time with the cat, and people think they are all so independent, but they aren't - not when you shower them with so much love! Why wouldn't they want it 24/7. My parents live out in the sticks and their house backs onto a massive field like your own, so he goes off and has a great time. Periodically comes back during the day for a drink and a fuss, and then out again until late afternoon and then he gets all the fuss he wants for the rest of the day.

 

Wow - you remember more than me about that party - nothing wrong with your memory at least!! I managed to get him hooked up with my therapist, so hopefully this guy will be better soon. I am sure he will. As we both know, talking does so much.

 

My day was a bit busy - lots of people coming and going - dropping things off and collecting things, so I was glad when I went out to do the shopping!! Will admit that I have just taken a little dose of my special K and my head is buzzing so much and my body just doesn't want any of it! But it is kicking in and making me ready for my meditation....

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Spot on society and social media makes you think everybody is happy all the time, which is such rubbish. Nobody posts on social media 'i had such a crap day'. It's all look at me, my life is amazing, when behind it they are suffering. It is a massive fake industry. At least with my poems I write a lot about depression so I like to think that after all the posts of people going on about how amazing their superstar lives are, they can read a poem about suffering and see they are not alone. I try and make my account as unglamorous as possible for that reason. It is like reality tv, completely fake. Everybodys life is different and there is no point comparing each other, we all have our own gifts. But that is the problem with society today it is all so egoistic and about 'me, me, me'. I watched this interview with a famous signer and a actress and they said your not meant to say it but fame is awful. The signer said if he could he would go back and not becoming famous, despite it bringing so much wealth. There are sadly a lot of suicides from reality tv. You have your 5 minutes of fame and then your a nobody again, how are people meant to cope with that? It is not healthy. The whole celebrity culture is sick to be honest and the values of vanity and greed that society pushes. People are living in this virtual, completely fake world. I think for women it is worse. My brother has basically no social media apart from facebook for old school friends, and even that he barely goes on. We live in an age of extreme narcissism. If you read any of the spiritual writers from any tradition they all say the same thing - for happiness and spiritual fulfilment you must lose your ego as much as possible. Live for the betterment of others and not yourself. And yet society seems to teach the exact OPPOSITE message. I so often think to myself how sad Jesus would be at the state of the world. Which makes me all the more blessed to have met you and Gail and be part of the 3 musketeers. You are such beautiful and loving and caring souls who reflect Jesus to me. I am so so blessed. Anyway you set me off their mate LOL!!! Sorry for that rant LOL!!!

 

Last night I did some more reading of my fascinating book and then slept well. Woke and then went to the field feeling pretty good. Then just the usual afterwards. Been a very solid day, not amazing but decent is something I will take 100% right now!!! Nice to see the sheep after a day off!! The pain comes and goes, which is encouraging. If it was really serious it wouldn't go. Ah man that story make me wince!! My dad got hit by a cricket ball there and had to go to hospital!!!! Can you imagine!! At least you two can relate with me!!! It is a completely unique pain! 

 

Well done for navigating a busy day! I will say it again YOU ARE SMASHING THIS ULTIMATE EXPOSURE!!! So proud brother!!! I hope you have a lovely evening of meditation! I am praying as always! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my angel!!! 

 

Oh my love my heart hurts so much to read that! All I want is for you to be at peace!  My happiness is your happiness! I will keep praying with all my heart! All I can say is I know God loves you so so much - because I SEE GOD IN YOU!!!! I FEEL GOD IN YOU!!!! So I know for sure he loves you so much! 

 

Why we face such a life, we will understand in heaven, but boy what a life we have had my love!! Together we will cry tears of joy when see the truth and see the reason for all that we suffered and see that all makes sense and all is well! 

 

You sure are my hero my love! I think of you when I am sad and viola I feel better! You warm my heart! Just thinking of my wonderful soul mate who means the world to me! 

 

Your strength and courage is extraordinary! You have a heart of gold! You have such a beautiful soul! You are such a great example of the wonder of God's creation!! Only God could make something as beautiful as you!! 

 

I have grown so much as a person learning from you! My life changed thanks to you! I read you and every time I grow as a person!

 

Please know you changed my life Gail! Always remember this!!! 

 

One day at at time and sometimes just 30 minutes exactly. But we will get there - heaven is waiting for us! 

 

I understand about the panic, I have this a lot right now. The smallest is a concern and I worry about all these little things. I felt your words deep down my love. So we are in this together! 

 

So now I will go to the chapel and pray for my superstar!! 

 

I am always here for you! ALWAYS!!!!

 

TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE IT!

 

Love you so much my hero and my Princes!!!! God Bless!!

[gail]

No likes???? Something is wrong here. Loved it London my love!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Not much going on today in the forum, works quite well as am sooo tired. I fell asleep at 2.30am (which is very early for me as you know) and didn't wake til 12.... and I am still tired! No idea what is going on... but will rest as my body is asking for it.

 

I thought the whole thing about the social media would have got you riled up!! But I am in agreement with you 100%. And to think that there was once a time when fame didn't exist. People would be know for writing books, writing plays and inventing stuff, but they would never be known to look at. It is all the new way of things. All in the last 100 years and it is only getting worse. People will have to learn another way of doing things otherwise it will become a right mess. 

 

Woh - just realised Gailage has hit the 6000 posts mark!!! Seems like only a few weeks ago I was congratulating her for 5000. Unbelievable!! Well done my lovely Sid!! So much commitment, and so much to have had the pleasure to read. Oooh, I just had a joy moment. You know one of those ones that last just a couple of seconds but is complete elation! Gail did that

 

Well done for doing more reading... and glad you also slept well. Wow... I have no idea where this tiredness has come from, but it is turning into exhaustion already. Very sorry, but think I need to get my meditation in early and relax a bit. Body is still very tense from work even though it has been more of a day off...

 

Fill you in more tomorrow.

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! So another decent day for me! I slept well last night and then this afternoon after I woke I did another video chat with my 2 friends from school! I wasn't sure of the exact time so I was a little uncertain but that is good sometimes to not have completely solid plans and just go with the flow. Then it was a bit of a surreal call because one of my friends was in the bath and the other had to drive to ASDA!! Can you imagine! So it was pretty tiring to concentrate but it was another good call! Over an hour again, so a really good exposure for me. I hadn't spoken to either of these friends since 2011 and now 3 times in a few months!! 

 

Then I just went outside for 20 minutes before my sauna and shower and lunch. I do enjoy these calls but it does sort of make you think of what you missing out on if that makes sense? When I was at school with these guys I was fully healthy mentally and physically, so it's a bit weird to adjust to where I am now. But that is all part of the learning process. As I always say to myself - I have a roof over my head, a warm bed and warm food, that in itself is very lucky. Along with love that is all you really need. The luxuries and holidays aren't what bring true joy. 

 

Man that is great you had such a cracking sleep, that will do you the world of good! All the best doctors have told me to listen to my body, so if your body needs that then great!

 

Oh you had a joy moment wow!!! I so love those!! Gail has that magic touch! I have had those moments of joy thinking of Gail!! A couple of complete elation - wonderful!! A sign of what is to come brother!! Those moments always make me so excited for the Summerland!! 

 

I hope you managed to get some good meditation in and have a nice day tomorrow! Look forward to hearing from you tomorrow brother!! 

 

I will be praying!! 

 

Love you brother!! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou angel!!!

 

I went straight from my post last night to the chapel and prayed for you! I will do the same tonight!!! 

 

Did you see you gave IUN a god moment of joy?? You have the magic tough my love!! I have had the same myself when I thought of you!!! What an amazing person you are!! I am so so blessed to know someone who God loves so much and someone who you can see God in so much!!! What a honour! I always thank God for meeting you my love!!! 

 

So I will pray for HOPE and PEACE and JOY and LOVE!!! 

 

Remember my love - WE ARE TOGETHER!!! I am here for you always!! TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE IT!!! 

 

I love you so much Princess!!!! God Bless!!

[gail]

Thank you a million times for your words of love and your prayers.
I wrote as post yesterday but could not post it as internet went down.

You guys are so marvelous, I so wish you be the same, but with the intense mental suffering of the last months, my thoughts are on my fears and mental situation. This needs to change. Thinking of good things despite the rest. Your prayers will help. I appreciate you both and what you're doing for me.

Cows? Shaved sheep? Oh, whAt a sight this must be. Lucky you. Love and lovage? I may take a break in writing, I'm still here just the same.

[gail]

Scrat or London, please remind the name of the med that you were in withdrawal for. Thank you.

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

Thank you for lovely words. And if you need to be silent for a few days that is never a problem. Our prayers and thoughts will continue as always!

 

I am not sure which med you are talking of that was the withdrawal - I think you mean the one that LDN has just finished... I can't remember either! It has been a very long week and my head is spinning! But I am sure LDN will tell you in his message later.

 

Much lovage

 

Scrattage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

As you will see from my message about to Gailage that my head is having another moment of not working quite right! I think it is the weekend downtime. I have not done too much today, but last night had the return of nightmares because I again fell asleep during meditation. I am not quite as tired today so I should be good to stay awake! But I really don't want these nightmares to carry on - not after what happened last time. 

 

Like you say, there is no pill for it - just meditation. Plus I enjoy the meditation - just need to make sure I set enough time to do it.

 

Great that you managed yet another chat with your old chums! Incredible stuff - any even better to add that you had a decent day. I really hope this is the sign for things to come. I really want us to be right about not going back on a dose of whatever it was that me and Gail have forgotten you are withdrawing from. 

 

For sure the call will make you think what you are missing out on, but that is all to come, and in your own time and way. And the whole celebrity thing reminded me of something. There is a really good twitter video from an actor that I need to find online which goes right into what you say about being famous. I will locate by tomorrow and send a link.

 

I actually got in touch with my very first student yesterday!! Almost 20 years ago that we first met, and she moved down your way (in the south west) about 10 years ago and had loads of kids. Who needs facebook?! It is much nicer to do something like that as a spur of the moment thing rather than some half-assed few lines on social media! It really meant something to get a reply from her. 

 

Right - need to get my time and head in gear and stop these dreams. Catch up more tomorrow!

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Sorry to hear about your nightmares coming back. My head is feeling empty tonight as well. Just feel knackered. I did some good reading last night and then today I have been fine just really tired. I was so weak when I got up, somehow managed to make it to the top of the field, but it was a brief trip. Then the rest of the day been fine thankfully. I do feel a bit flat and wanting some excitement but then feel so tired I just feel I need to rest, so sort of stuck in the middle. Just need to be patient and go with the flow. 

 

A few days a really interesting thing happened in the field. I just doing my walking meditation and suddenly noticed all the sheep baaing a lot and then they all ran towards each other and congregated in a tight circle. It was as if their was an invisible sheep dog herding them together. But to my senses nothing externally had changed. It just seemed completely random. They proper sprinted to join each other just completely out of nowhere. They then stayed huddled for a few minutes and then slowly dispersed again. There must have been a trigger that my senses couldn't pick up. It was fascinating. 

 

That is lovely to hear about you being in touch with your 1st student! I totally agree those spur of the moment communications are so meaningful! 

 

I really hope you get some good meditation on tonight brother and have a good day tomorrow! 

 

Love you brother!
 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my angel!! 

 

My drug is Chlorpromazine. I think I get confused myself sometimes LOL!! 

 

Yes my love we have the shaved sheep and the lambs in the field I go to and at the bottom of the garden we have the cows in that field! Plus in the garden pheasants, rooks, squirrels. 

 

I know you will make this my love! Remember we are together! So much JOY is waiting for us!! In the end all will make sense and be beautiful! 

 

I am praying for you with all my heart! Praying for HOPE and LOVE and PEACE and JOY! 

 

You have a nice rest my love and just write only when you are ready! Good idea! 

 

Sending so much love to my Princess of Canada!! From you Prince!! God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Getting really out of hand here man. I woke around 7am from a terrible nightmare and was forcing myself to stay awake as I simply couldn't take them. I was awake for a while and then tried to meditate. Fell asleep, and had another nightmare. Bad start to the day. And then I have been working flat out for a meeting I have tomorrow. My head is spinning, ears are ringing and for some reason I have brain zaps?! You know, the ones you get during withdrawal. They are not frequent, but they are surely zaps. Maybe all this work using my brain is burning through the Citalopram or something?! Very strange...

 

But I am so glad to be here now with you and stopping. Knowing that you will read and understand me.

 

REALLY glad to hear that your day has been quite fair. That is now 3 days. It is looking promising. The flat but wanting excitement is good as it means that you will actively seek out something that will bring your mood up when you have the energy back. I feel I will have this coming myself, providing I can get these nightmares under control. I don't mind a bit of overworking if needed, but I need an outlet for the stress.

 

Big congrats on getting up the hill despite your weakness. That is your determination again. Very influential and amazing. It has kept me going on many occasions. And what on earth was going on with the sheep!? That must have been incredible to witness. But they sure can pick up things that we can't. Have I ever told you about the horses I saw on the hills down in Bodmin? Possibly not.

 

Well, I was on a walk across the hills one day and I saw these horses, maybe about a dozen or so and they were walking up the same hill but doing so in a line - one behind the other. They never deviated from this line and it was a very strange path they were following.

 

I asked a bloke at the pub that night and he told me exactly what it was. He said they were following a ley line. They got energy from it to walk up the hill. Incredible. So yes, we cannot feel this energy, but the horses can. I had no reason not to believe him as there was no other explanation.

 

Busy day tomorrow and I still haven't got round to my meditation. I was having a Skype work session with one of my co-workers to get the project working for the meeting with the client tomorrow. We got it done, but man, I am shattered. 

 

Hope to hear of another good day from you...

 

Love you man

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother! Firstly all your words completely resonate with me! I have been there myself and I am here for you! I think the combination of what sounds like such a horrific night and then a very busy day has pushed your brain to the limit and when we are in that state we can get things like brain zaps. I can really really relate to exactly what you are describing. I have been in that state much of the last few months during this withdrawal. The good thing is it never lasts. But it really is horrible to face it and it very scary. For me I try and just keep as calm as possible. Calm the mind. So deep breaths. Do everything nice and slow. Let things be and just go with the flow. I make a real conscious effort when my head is spinning to just do everything really slowly and focus on my breath. My shell may be overrun but I can still connect with that inner calm in my soul. 

 

I am just so sorry to hear about these nightmares. I wish I could do more to help. I am praying about it and I will continue to of course. The good thing is your meditation has shown to really help. But I have to say what an amazing achievement to do a hard day of work after those nightmares! That is incredible bravery and mental will!! Such an incredible effort! I am always so in awe of you brother! So a massive well done from me! I hope you are very proud of yourself! What you are describing is so similar to what I have had recently when my brain feels overwhelmed and struggles to take in information. I have had my head spinning so often recently. As I said it always passes, but so tough while in it. 

 

Massive love and good vibes for tomorrow! I will be praying for you! I really hope once you are through with it you can take some time off, and just give yourself some space and slow things down a little. I think you are really a victim of your own success here brother, because you are doing so well that you are able to work flat out, which is amazing. But it does mean you putting a lot of pressure on your system and your body needs to adjust to that. Add in the stress of the nightmares and that is a lot going on. Plus the cv stuff!! So think it just shows how well you are doing and what a positive direction you are headed in but as Gail says it is never linear and so there will ups and downs while we progress. 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words brother! Yeah it really was incredible to witness. I was pretty sure the sheep were in touch with forces outside of our human senses, so your description of the horses and the ley lines is very interesting! I just love watching the sheep! I find it a very spiritual experience! Just being totally still and just watching them closely and seeing all there habits. It is very calming and soothing. I just wish I could cuddle the lambs LOL!!! 

 

Last night I got 2 hours of reading in, which was great! My book as I mentioned is heavy stuff but truly fascinating!! Then today been pretty good and stable. I have slight pains in my knees but mentally I feel pretty decent. When I was in the field I witnessed a lamb sprint to its mother for milk almost right in front of me. It was amazing watching this lamb charge up the hill straight towards me. A wonderful sight, they are so beautiful when they run! It is so poetic! Then once it had had enough milk it looked at me and then walked over to right in front of me. It sort of smelt me and then gently rubbed itself against my tracksuit bottoms! It was amazing man! I could have stroked it but I thought it wouldn't be used to that. But I haven't had one come close like that for ages, since when were really tiny and new to the field. It was a magical moment. When it looked at me and then walked towards I just stayed completely still but inside I was so so excited!! 

 

So again brother massive love for tomorrow! I will be praying! I really hope you get some good meditation in tonight as well! You are doing so great - DONT FORGET THAT!!!! This is the ultimate exposure!! I am so proud of you!!! 

 

I love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Quick word from me for this morning just to thank you for that first paragraph... reminding me to breathe and do things slowly. I could already feel myself quickening the pace and your words bought me back to what I need to be thinking. Even typing this slowly on purpose!

 

Got to bed around 5am, and then of all things, the neighbours decided to carry on their renovation with drills and wotnot at 9am... non-stop. So I have been laying in bed for 3 hours barely moving and listening to drills, hammers and so forth begging for silence! 

 

Have 5 hours of commitments today - no idea how I will see it through! Back later to let you know how it went...

 

Much love and heart-felt thanks

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Back again. Survived the day, but I am just about staying awake. Severely exhausted. Meeting and tuition went well considering, but I am really in need of rest after being woken at stupid o'clock this morning. My ears are ringing so loud that I cannot hear Mrs Scrat sometimes. It doesn't worry me as I know it will pass when I rest. 

 

Thank you for your kind words regarding the effort and so forth, and for your prayers - it certainly got me through the worst of it. Still a fair bit on tomorrow, but I have made sure that I have time inbetween commitments. 

 

Cracking story about the lamb - I was painting the picture in my mind as I always do... and again - so jealous! I expect they have got used to your scent/energy by now as you are in the field more frequently than the farmer! I could never be a farmer knowing that you would have to send all the lovely animals to the chop-shop. I'd get so attached to every single one. This is what makes this time of year so good, the new beginnings and everything. Beautiful stuff.

 

Two hours of reading!! That must be close to a personal best surely? I have decided that I need to schedule in some reading time during my day rather than leave it all to the very end when it frequently gets cut short - or cut off completely. It calms the mind well when I read my kiddies fiction. Not quite up there with meditation, but I am sure it will have a benefit.

 

Again, really happy to hear that you had another stable day - and the knees as you say, could well be a fluctuation of the withdrawal - quite likely. Another symptoms to chalk up with the rest of them!

 

Right - time to relax and get on top of these nightmares... I'll get there... just try not to fall asleep as I often do! Running late as you can see, but hopefully tomorrow onwards will see some free time and more potential to take things slower.

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! Really happy to hear you got through the day! Well done!! Massive congratulations!! That is a great achievement! Sounds like you are really taking everything in your stride. Really inspiring to see! So annoying about the building works though!! Just another thing for you to deal with! But you just keep on going amazing!!

 

My head is a bit empty tonight. Last night I listened to some music to let off steam and then slept well and woke feeling pretty good. Then went to the field for about an hour. I was fine until my knee started to ache a bit near the end. Then the rest of the day fine, but this evening just feel a bit knackered and over run. Got a big headache which doesn't really bother me but it takes it out of you a bit. I can feel a sort lurking stress under the surface but I am just focussing on taking things slow and also coming back to my breathing and nice deep breaths. 

 

It is a tough one with my knee, because it only aches when I go to the field and towards the end of my walking, so I feel it needs to be rested. But then at the same time I really feel I need my time in the field. I need the space and the fresh air and getting out of the house. So it is tough balancing act. I don't want to aggravate it but equally I don't want to be stuck in doors. I just so love being with the sheep. My back isn't feeling great but I can't see a physio or osteopath as they aren't open. So that is a bit frustrating. 

 

I just love the lambs. They are so innocent and pure. They just seem to have this carefree attitude to life. Always playful and adventurous. I have become so so fond of them. When they leave the field because they have eaten all the grass I will miss them so much. They really move me. Last night I was lying in bed and just listening to them baaa, it was lovely. 

 

Ok man well I hope you managed to get some meditation in and tomorrow goes well! I will be praying! You are doing absolutely superb! 

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

I know I am late again, but I am in a better place this evening. I did over an hour of meditation last night, and even that made my dreams level out. Moments of anxiety, but nothing like it was yesterday. I had a good 8 hours too. Still tired, but not exhausted. 

 

"I can feel a sort lurking stress under the surface but I am just focussing on taking things slow and also coming back to my breathing and nice deep breaths."

 

This was the sentence I read a few time from your message as it was staring me in the face. I tried to recall this many times during the day. I had therapy which was tough - and something I need to speak to you in due course about.

 

Sounds like you did really well despite the knee and headache man. Have you had any previous issues with the knee before that might be causing it to become aggravated now? I occasionally have issues with my left ankle which baffled me for years until my parents finally decided to tell me I broke it when I was 3 years old!

 

It could be a simple case that all the walking up and down the field is causing some overuse, but as you say, it is a catch 22 as you need your walks, the sun, the trees.... the lambs! Sorry to hear that your back is having a go too. How long has it been since your last had your last physio session? I know that your family help with what they can, but if your body is used to getting regular maintenance, then it will for sure take its toll. I really feel for you man. But sometimes these things do come and go. I remember about a month ago, I also had a gammy knee - specifically when I was walking down the stairs. Lasted 3 days and then just disappeared. I guess I am getting old

 

Also suffering with an empty head myself this evening. But as I said, there is this other issue I need to talk over with you, but will take a bit of background. I know it is something you will understand from what we have spoken of previously. My therapist has been really great about it as I have kept bringing it up most weeks and although my depression and anxiety have gone for the most part, there was this underlying issue that has worked its way to the surface. If it is one thing that I have learned from this last episode, its that we don't want to waste our time given to us here. So if I can see something that needs to be fixed in life, it is better not to ignore it, and take it on. More on that in a day or two if you don't mind..?

 

Much love brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! SO happy to hear you are in a better place this evening! Wonderful to hear! You are just doing a cracking job right now!! Well done on the ohur of meditation and so happy you got a good 8 hours in! 

 

Last night I did some reading and then felt fine this morning. Went to the field and rather than do walking meditation just stood at the top and just was mindful for about 30 minutes and then came back. Then this afternoon I got a bit angry with my brother and sister. I let myself down. I wanted my shower after my sauna and lost it that it was in use. But I have apologised to both of them and I am human. At the end of the day I am not going to go over and over this to make me feel bad. I have done a really good job of keeping calm under intense pressure and stress but unfortunately today, I let the guard come down. On a positive I did calm my self pretty quickly and apologise, I didn't let it linger for a long time. I was able to move on quickly, which was good. It is important I maintain my self compassion. As that leads to me being more calm as well. So that wasn't ideal but as I say I was happy with my reaction. 

 

Then this evening downstairs just started to hurt again. It has been not bad the last few days, so it really is coming and going. I think you are spot on in regards to my knee. My body isn't really used to that much exercise, and the exercise I have doing in the last year is on London pavements and the flat garden. So to be walking in hilly fields everyday is wellies is for sure a new pressure on my body. I think 2 months worth of it is probably taking it's toll. It never hurts outside of my walks so I definitely think it is related to the new terrain. But as I said just leaves me in tough situation. I think I need to rest it but then I really need my field time so much. The peace, the space, the fresh air, and of course the lambs!!! I feel for my mental health it is a very important part of my day. So it is really hard to know what to do. 

 

In terms of my back my last session was well before I left London, so a long time ago. The physio in the village isn't seeing people yet, so all I can do is wait and try to be careful. All the physical issues do add stress and I think that brought on my anger today. I just feel so delicate right now. My body just seems to endlessly find places to hurt. I always worried now about overdoing anything. That adds to the stress. This feeling of having to be so careful with my body. Always super alert. It makes quite hard to relax, not wanting to do anything wrong.

 

Tonight feeling low and self esteem issues are back. So we will see how this develops. My situation in life does take it's toll on me. When I am in a good mood I can transcend my shell problems, but the moment my mood just drops a little, I start feel bad about my life situation. But it is something I am working on. At the end of the day I need to focus on the now and the present. Embrace all the joys available to me. If my mood drops that is ok, I can't do anything about that. But these thoughts of negativity about myself I can definitely work on. I trust in the plan and I trust in God. 

 

For sure brother just talk to me about that issue whenever is the right time for you, I am here as you know always!! 

 

Love you brother! I will be praying! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thanks for opening encouragement. Needed it this morning. Woke up from a very crazy sleep. Was a very restless sleep - kept waking and concerning myself with the time, quite disorientated and a bit of a low lull about the morning. It sure had the last few days overdoing stuff written all over it, but I was hoping that I had caught it in time before things went too far the wrong way. 

 

I had a meeting with the client for this big project, and I was really not feeling myself. So I took some valium along with breakfast just before and it helped. But it last 2 1/2 hours!! I could feel the benzo wearing off after the 2 hour mark and I really wanted t wrap things up. One of the guys was on the phone to his other friend and said "I am still in a meeting for the project, and will probably be at least another half hour" and I was thinking "Oh you have GOT to be joking!". But I got through it, and then had a good 45 minutes to stop, tea and biscuit and rest. It helped... Then more work and then what turned out to be a 45 minute shopping trip to Tesco. I stocked up on stuff that will run me through a week, so I can forget about food for a good few days and let me rest.

 

Well done for getting passed the whole anger thing - and I hope you are not blaming yourself in any way about it. These things happen, especially when we are out of control about things, it can be a go-to response to take out the frustration to the nearest person. But it takes courage to face up to it and apologise, so great that you acknowledged it and nipped it in the bud there and then. You should be proud of your reaction under the circumstances.

 

I think your diagnosis for the knee has got to be right. Of course, everything is flat in London... and walking up an down inclines puts different pressure on the cartilage that it would on a flat surface. So quite likely that we have it pegged. In the situation, I feel I would do the same thing. It might sound hard, but you know what is best underneath it all. Don't let the stress get to you with the decision making. All the time it is not incapacitating you, I know you will carry on, knowing the good that the walk, field and sheep do for you.

 

While I remember, we also had a call from the pharmacy to take payment for Mrs Scrats prescription. She has to take antibiotics for a suspect infection, but they also said they had some Sertraline for her. I told them outright that this was a mistake and they weren't to charge or send it. Then we had a letter... hoping it was the referral for Mrs Scrat. It was a referral, but from the b@stards at the NHS Mental Health team. The GP had got it wrong AGAIN! We clearly said they messed me up and to not go to them. The letter said that they would not help the wife (no doubt because they knew the surname from my time with them). They advised the GP to put her on Sertraline and call the Samaritans if needed. Pffff. No meeting first, no calls, no assessment. Just put her on Sertraline. The GP blindly followed this advice clearly - hence the prescription. There will be phone calls made tomorrow. So so annoyed. The GP clearly did not listen - for the second time.

 

Sounds like you need some skills to help you with the self esteem. I assume you have bought this up in therapy? I am very fortunate that I have never had such problems, but have seen it in others for sure. Like you say, the fact that you have been in your situation for a number of years, it is bound to have this sort of upshot. And the fact that you are now out of London and in a fixed routine in a very quiet place by comparison to your other home, it is drawing it out of you. I am sure this wouldn't be the case without the COVID stuff. You would be doing your walks in the West End, going to the supermarket, the barbers, your usual sessions. Again, out of your control... but you are doing exceptional under the circumstances, really really well. But all the same, my thoughts and prayers will continue...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless