2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

I didn't even know there was a press conference, but I sure wouldn't have been watching it at the moment. A real shame that you only got 12 minutes in the field, and these swings are really coming on some. I really feel for you brother. You will have to let me know how the therapy went today...

 

It is with regret that I inform you of a really bad day again. I woke from a normal dream, but my brain is still stuck in derealisation mode when it wakes and I just cannot fathom anything. I started getting really scared from all of this. I thought yesterday I was coming out of it as I had a better day, but no. I started to shake and couldn't control it, so had to resort to valium which helped, but when it wore off, I was left feeling scared again. 

 

It is a mix of the physical feelings (stuffy head, paranoia, fatigue) and the stress of things that have got to be done. I have work deadlines, machines to fix, students to teach - I just can't cope. I had two clients today and somehow I managed them both. I just thought it is going to feel bad whether I teach or not. I have turned away all repairs now as well. Once the ones left are done, that will be it. I also have my end of year review at Uni which has deadlines. Man - I can't take it, but there is no escape. I feel like I need a rest from it, but there isn't one. Just like you said a couple of days ago, existing is so painful at the moment. I should have seen the signs of stress sooner. I should have known to have kept a buffer to cope with something like the wife needing support at a moment when I could take no more. Now there is no-one for me at all! Mrs Scrat is bad and I cannot take it. Living in a "metal health couple" situation really has an impact. I don't think I give it enough consideration.

 

I read somewhere about derealisation is that it is bad because unlike other anxiety, there is no flight of fight, You can't flee from it and you cannot fight it - so you jut have to deal with it which is the worst. We have no option - just like the mental claustrophobia. I just want it to end, but I cannot see how to do it. Part of me is saying that I should have the time in bed and the time off - I have clearly done a months worth of work in the space of 2 weeks. But there is stuff that needs to be done that cannot wait. I am in such a state. I am so scared about sleeping for fear of waking up to it all over again tomorrow. I need to take some special K I think.

 

Can really see how the 8 years will have bought about this self esteem issue. I would be very surprised if it hadn't. It is wonderful to hear you say that "all this horrible stuff isn't to be taken so seriously". It is a great outlook you have and the reason why this last year has seen a lot of improvement for you. As you say, there may be some way to go, but you are passed that pinnacle and are on your way back down. It is not a matter of "if", there is a clear "when" that lays in your future. 

 

We really need to keep our eyes on the end goal here. We are here to learn - this is the purpose of this environment. These shells are not us and we not them. They SUCK! I cannot stand what they are capable of. But we really must look beyond this all. This is not our forever. I would kindly ask for prayers for me to see this side and to have the confidence to see these days through. I will learn by them and know how to approach it all in the future...

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. My heart hurts for you. I think it is really important to remember this lockdown is the 'ultimate exposure'. There are people all over the country who haven't even had mental health problems before who are really struggling right now. I mean even my therapist today looked really tired and a bit stressed. She said everybody she was speaking to, not just clients, were struggling with days merging into days and feeling about out of it. She told me she literally couldn't remember what she had for supper last night, she had a good think but she couldn't remember. So just imagine for us what it is like. This really is the ultimate test and we will make it brother. 

 

As you say the bigger picture is the key here. This is just a dream. We will wake up from this brother. We chose this life for a reason we will find out. I applaud both of us for choosing this life we have, but it will all make sense when get home. All we can do is trust our ourselves, for the decision we made with greater wisdom and knowledge than we currently have. So so so much joy awaits us brother. Shell life really can be unbearable, just totally horrific. Words can't describe what these shells can do to us. I have had a broken shell for nearly a decade, so I can relate to you my dear brother will all my heart. All I can say is hold on. And trust the process. Things can change so quickly too. Everything is so fluid. Just look at me right now. I am living on different planets every day. But I know this won't last for us. 

 

You have made such extraordinary progress and this is just a blip. We have seen with all of us musketeers that progress is not linear. It is up and down, but the overall direction is positive. That is what matters the most. 

 

We are SPIRITUAL BEINGS HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE. You are giving so much to world. Trust me brother. Your compassion and love and light is evident to me everyday!! I am so lucky and honour to feel it! All the people who encounter you will be the better for it. 

 

As for me therapy was ok, but I overslept so was late!! I set 2 alarms but slept through both of them!! However it was a good session just sort of going over the last week and unpacking it. Everything is a blur as you know, so it was great to just process the last week and what had happened. That was something I hadn't come round to doing yet. Then went to field and bumped into the friend from the village who looked after Chin Chin when we were away. He had his staffy with him, so I got plenty of licks. Was nice to have a a face to face conversation with someone outside my family. Talking about the how everything is so uncertain right now and causing stress. Then went to my spot and had a really nice time in the sun. Then rest of the day been ok, however quite recently the low self esteem hit and with it depression. 

 

As you can see the timings are out for me tonight. I am just going to do a little reading and head to bed. 

 

I will go and pray in the chapel for you brother! Pray with all my heart! Will make it together! I am always here for you!! Never forget that! Massive for getting through the day and getting in 2 clients!! Immensely proud!! 

 

You are so strong and brave and I am simply in awe of you brother!! I learn from you and feed off your courage!!

 

Love you brother!! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Right Scrat, this is not our forever. I will pray for you to see the light, much lovage.

Hello my Sweet London, beautiful post to be read a few times. Bubbles completely gone, I will buy myself a dog bone to chew on it.lol. Much love!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Let's open with some good news! Despite waking to some nasty fear, at 2pm almost on the mark, something happened and the feeling just lifted.... as if from nowhere. I was very dubious about it, but it has lasted! The power of prayer.... that is what this was. My every thanks to you both. Of course I am concerned how the morning will fair, but this is a positive.

 

Amazing that I went from abject fear to getting out of bed and actually enjoying the taste of my breakfast. At the soonest opportunity, I went out for a walk. Almost 5 days without being out and I needed to ground myself with the earth again as my therapist told me. Very interesting to read about what your therapist had to say about the situation as it is and it is so easily forgotten. We clearly are far more susceptible and fragile as a result of the current climate.

 

I have still kept the big picture in view. On my walk I was glancing to the skies and wondering what it will be like when we can fly through the seas of purple, blue, oranges and reds... I know there is no sun in the Summerlands, but the skies have been likened to a Turner seascape or similar - radiant mixes of amazing colours - and those that we cannot see here on earth. It is also interesting to think that those who have gone before find the light here far too glarish - I imagine it is like walking from a pitch black car park and into a store that is brightly lit with fluorescent lighting. Not exactly fake, but just not Summerland lighting!

 

So glad you had a good therapy session - and how on earth did you manage to sleep through two alarms!! You must be such a heavy sleeper! I remember you talking about the staffy, so that must have been lovely for you to see another loving animal. It must have been great to follow this with your time in your spot too and enjoying the atmosphere. Shame about the following depression, but glad at least that you are out and talking to people not even considering that this wouldn't have been on the cards not so long ago. Never let this go unacknowledged! We are all guilty of that, but it is so important that we recognise these otherwise mundane moments in our lives.

 

Well you can see that I am right out of whack with my replies as I had an online chat just like you!! It was completely ad hoc, it just sort of happened and I got carried away with it - the next thing I know an hour had passed! I am cutting into meditation time so I really must get back to that as there is no doubt in my mind that it is working.

 

Thank you so much again for your prayers and encouragement. Will see how tomorrow comes, but my reciprocal prayers and thoughts are with you brother... Sleep thinking about those lovely Summerland skies!!

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I am in a pretty nasty state of depression here! My day was decent but this has been hovering for a while and then it has just hit me really hard just now. Incredibly low self esteem to be honest. At the moment my depression is tearing my confidence a new one!! Very similar to you my moods are all over the shop. Felt fine most of today and yesterday felt good but tonight it is really nasty. My head isn't really working here sorry man! 

 

Last night I went to read and things eased up. I slept well and then woke fine. I went to the fields and saw the sheep and then went to my spot. Then the afternoon was ok but tonight I was feeling a bit low and it just got steadily worse. 

 

I am in a lot of pain right now, my head is sort of spinning. The usual self esteem issues cutting through. 

 

Anyway so happy to hear you had this wonderful divine moment of recovery and could get out!! That makes me so so happy to hear!!! I was praying will all my heart brother!! What a beautiful moment that walk sounds - I connected deeply with your words there!! 

 

I really hope you have a nice meditation this evening!! I will of course keep praying! Remember I am with you in this brother!! We are together in this!! I am always here! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

COUCOU MY ANGEL!!!

 

Your bubbles have completely gone!!! Oh YEAH!!!!!!!! I was praying for this so much!! Thank you God!! So so happy to hear this!!

 

Your deserve this my love, for your wonderful bravery in this whole episode!! BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO!!! 

 

I will keep praying for HOPE and JOY and PEACE and LOVE!!! 

 

I love you my Princess!!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey dear brother,

 

Seems like that rollercoaster has still got you, but it sounds like you are getting longer at the top than the bottom recently. But all the same, it is certainly not easy when you are not sure which way you are going. Seems like the evening is the point for the mood to get to you. Can you think of any timings that might be causing this? 

 

I am feeling a bit flat today as I am still having to take this very easy to make sure I recover. So although I have managed 2 skype work sessions and a 30 minute walk, I still feel as though my life is wasting away. But the stress has not got any worse, and teaching hasn't added any, so it is just all about keeping it level for a few days no matter how I feel. The slightest bit of stress and that will be me tipped over again. So much patience.

 

We also seem to be sharing head pain at the moment too! Mine is a dull throbbing, ears ringing and head spinning. Reminds me of the various withdrawals, and much like you have been subject to recently, it has caused a bit of a nasty flashback and worry that I will have these head symptoms for weeks again. But whenever the head seems to have this sort of stuff going on, it can so eaily become a catalyst for the mental problems. We seem to put the physical together with the mental. I have aches and pains.. and therefore... there must be stress, rumination, anxiety, depression... etc. Do you find that?

 

Yes, your prayers worked! Yesterday was what I needed to remind me that nothing is permanent. Not quite as chirpy today, but as Gailage has been saying a lot over the last few days, these things are never linear. We of all people should know and understand this.

 

I was again looking up at the sky on my walk and ignoring all the busy people around me. Mrs Scrat hasn't been out, but I am making sure I get out every day as I can. Taking a leaf out of your book man... all the time I am able, I should get myself out for a while. Just a shame that it is a suburban metropolis environment with all these people coming out of the lockdown. I don't like it after all this quiet we have had! Knew it would be a bit of a culture shock. Another reason why I am taking it easy. Rushing back into my previous working life will be a lot of stress, so needs to be done very carefully...

 

Anyway - will wait to hear of your day, and will continue to pray for your mood to be levelling out for you, my brave brother.

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey my brother, things got messy today. Had some bad depression hit me in the afternoon, and you guessed it SELF ESTEEM damn issues again!!! When my depression hits BOOM, I am immersed with the most abusive and frankly vile thoughts. It is horrific. I don't how I am still sane with amount of crap my depression throws at me. It just drags me through the mud. I am extra sensitive due to this withdrawal and I am prone to moments of hard hitting depression that comes and then goes quite quickly. My mood and self esteem is better now but my head is spinning from all the abuse. 

 

Last night after I posted I felt okish. Read for about an hour and 40 minutes, but read so so slow!!! LOL!! Probably the slowest I have read for years!! I just felt so flat and empty and my head was there, but I had nothing else to do. In my defence I am reading a book about astrophysics and Buddhism, which is HEAVY!!! Normally I would be ok but in my present state it wasn't perhaps the best choice but since I have started I want to continue with it. It is insanely interesting, especially the astrophysics stuff. Really learning so much. 

 

I slept fine and woke feeling ok. Went to the field and spent some time sheep watching. I had some nice toilet presentations, which I appreciated LOL!! They pooed and urinated right in front of me - so thanks for that guys LOL!! Then just went to my spot in the sun at the top. I closed my eyes at one point and just focused on my breathing and the sun's heat on my face. Honestly I nearly fell over I got so relaxed. Someone from the village was talking to my parents in the field and so I said hi and chatted for a bit on my way out. People are so so friendly here compared to London. Like the old days here. The other day I was leaving the field and someone who I had no idea who they were shouted out 'hello!!!' as if we were great friends. Different world here. Then just the usual until the depression hit me bad over lunch. I then had my siesta and woke to some really nasty and heavy anxiety. The worst I have had for a while. 

 

The thing is I just am finding how to structure my life so so difficult brother. I know I am so fragile and vulnerable and need to rest. But at the same time, I am feeling like I am going nowhere with this lockdown. I mean I haven't left this house ONCE since I arrived in mid March!!!! I have no appointments and that was something that got me out a few times a week! So due to the lockdown I already feel I am becoming more insular and cut off, by no fault of my own. So in this context I am very keen not to become insular in other ways. I do need to rest but at the same time I can't let myself become risk averse and let social anxiety back in. I have done so well to overcome my social anxiety of the last 8 years in so many ways and I am very alert right now to not slip into bad habits. So it a fine line and it is exhausted having to weigh up all these different factors when I make a decision. I know as well if I get it wrong, I will pay a heavy heavy price!!! Plus when I do get it wrong, my brain just rubs it in so much - 'why did you do that', 'your such an idiot', 'what were you thinking' etc. So sorry for ranting brother, but it is a damn tough situation. 

 

So pleased you got out again today for 30 minutes, massive congrats!! Getting that fresh air and being 'grounded' is really important I think. Plus bravo for the 2 clients!! 

 

Yes the physical and the mental very much go together. All the tension and pain in my body goes hand in hand with the stress and anxiety. It is a double assault. I feel you 100% brother. And yes Gail is 100% spot on, this is not linear and we need to remember that!! 

 

Ok brother I will be praying! One step at a time for the both of us!! You inspire me!!

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless!

[gail]

London, you are not alone, I have joined your ranks for the last four days. Waiting for the Seroquel to kick in, if it does.

Lots of crying out of desperation. I can n longer answer emails. As they changed the format. I so hate new things, makes me panic! I'm ok now since I've accepted the fact. The most important was my son, but we can phone as much as more as we want.

Waiting for my new washing machine this morning, it better be simple.

Love to both of you my friends. Still praying for both of you!

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

I really hope your 'quel kicks in soon - it has worked in the past, so I am hopeful for the next few days, but of course you will find desperation at these times. l have written up a nice new little topic to put some nice messages in as I thought it would help people in times like this;

 

https://www.cymbalta...u-need-support/

 

Let us know about the washing machine - and do not worry... I work with technology and anything like that makes me worry! I need to get a new academic diary and it panics me that I cannot find the one that I have been using for the last 5 years!! I can't change!!! AARRGHHGHGH!!

 

Thinking, praying and sending lovage to you... sweet Sid sloth

 

Your Scrat

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

My heart sunk for you when I read that first line. My hope is with you every day. 

 

I was talking about you and all this to my dad today as he is suddenly suffering with self esteem issues - what with his Parkinson's it isn't easy. He's having to buy all this muscle support stuff as it progresses and it really doesn't help him, especially when people see him bend over. They ask if they can help and he just wants to scream and say he is absolutely fine!! I really feel for you both. 

 

I can see how your thoughts will be there from years previous and the "vile" thoughts as you put it attack you. And if it helps at all, my head has still be spinning like Gail's new washing machine all day!!

 

Speaking of which, in case you missed the above, I have started a new topic to help people in need where they will benefit from some choice words - see what you think;

 

https://www.cymbalta...u-need-support/

 

Today I woke up in better spirits, but a bit of anxiety and flatness. It was the typical response to coming out of a stress period. I have had a week of sorting myself out and not really been out at all, so it was difficult to get back to doing stuff. But I took it on the chin and dropped off a parcel and the post office, went to a clients place for an hour, popped in to see the parents, washed the car and did some shopping! Maybe a little too much, but I was monitoring stress levels all the time and if at any point I felt it coming back, I would have pulled the plug there and then. Besides, I have very little to do over the weekend, so plenty of time to relax.

 

Although that took care of the little anxiety that was looming, I am still feeling a bit flat and not very excited about much, but it will come back and I find my feet again.

 

Woh - 100 minutes of reading!! And that heavy stuff! You need to go careful with that stuff! As great as it is, it can makes your head spin even more!!

 

I have been meaning to ask you so I can get the picture right in my head... the field. Is this out the front or the back of the house? I am sort of picturing you jumping over a wall in the back garden into the sheep field, and it is then an incline up thus lovely pasture to the top to find your spot. So you can see the house clearly from the spot? How long does it take to walk from house to spot? I just like to have an accurate picture as I often think about you during my day in your spot taking in the sun...

 

"I do need to rest but at the same time I can't let myself become risk averse and let social anxiety back in"

 

This was exactly gave me the kickstart to my day today. I felt EXACTLY like that. Even after only a week, I was so worried to get back to my normal self. So out I went for 4 hours until it felt normal. Might come back a bit as I rest a bit more over the weekend, but I know I can do it. 

 

But for you it is a double-edged sword being away from the City. There is only so much one can do where you are. What do your brother and sister do? Do they stay there all the time, or do they go to other places? And you are right on my wavelength with the decision stuff. I would say just the same to myself!! And have done as a result of this week of stress. But we are good enough as we are!! We all must remember this - just as I was chatting to my dad about - and to which he added... "we are all God's children". Absolutely.

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I really enjoyed the words you posted on that new thread!! My head is really empty here, so apologises if this isn't the most lucid post. 

 

Last night I felt ok after posting. A bit spaced out. I read a little. Then went to bed. I woke feeling ok I think, to be honest I actually can't remember!!! My head is so blurry and it is really getting to me having not left the house for SO long. Every day has been basically the same for at least 2 months now. Because of my withdrawal I can't really mix things up to much, like go to the village for a walk. I just NEED to get to my spot in the field and take stock of where things are at and breath and just be at peace. So since my physical energy is used by this, I have nothing else left. 

 

So I felt okish I think this morning and then went to the field and saw the sheep. I felt a bit weird by the end and was a little nervous it might develop into something really nasty but it didn't thankfully. I came in for my sauna and shower and things were fine. I did feel a bit weird and a little depressed but it was at bay. My states of mind are just changing so so quickly right now, it is really hard to sort of remember what I have been feeling. I will feel totally fine and at ease and relaxed one minute and then my chemistry will shift and within minutes I will feel really depressed and worried. It just this constant cycle of different states of consciousness, just constantly changing. It's good in the respect that when I feel totally awful, I know I may well feel completely fine in the space of a few hours, but it is very draining and exhausting. I feel have to be incredibly alert and on my toes basically all the time. Constantly reminding my self about my teachings. Making sure I am letting go, making sure I am not becoming too invested in any of the changing emotions, making sure I keep calm and don't overreact. It is one hell of a ride. It is like a mental workout, or a marines training but for the mind. Of course my adrenaline is all over the shop as well. I am very disorientated to be honest. 

 

I woke from siesta to bad anxiety again but it wore off quite quickly. Then this evening has been ok but feel knackered. A combination of 1. Withdrawal 2. My lyme 3. Lockdown and 4. Being in the country for such an extended period of time when I am so used to being in London, means this is sort of a perfect storm of exposures and chemical changes. I was under no illusions how tough this withdrawal would be, so this isn't a surprise, however I never thought I would be down in the country and I never thought I would be in lockdown. Plus I can lie, the government are not helping my stress levels. All the more with recent stuff. When I was chatting to my friend in the village, he was saying the government have lost the people over this recent stuff and that nobody is going to bother sticking to the rules anymore. Once you set a precedent that is ok to break the rules then nobody is going to take them seriously and a 2nd wave will come. We have the highest death toll in Europe and 2nd biggest in the world and they are treating us like idiots. He is not a political person at all as well, so it said a lot. 

 

So out the front of my house there is a place for our car and then the road and directly opposite on the other side of the road is the field. I then enter the field and the sheep as almost always all resting in the shape under this big oak tree, that I sent you a video of. The field is slanted and I walk to the top and have my spot. I can see the house but also have a 180 degree view of miles of countryside. Their is a hill in the distance. It is a bit like looking from one side of a valley to the other. The village is below me. Including the church from the 11th or 12th century I think. A saint lived there, which is pretty cool! Gives the land a sense of mysticism I find. My spot is about a 5 minute walk from the house I guess, maybe 6 minutes. We do have a field at the bottom of the garden as well, but there are cows in that one and it is flat as well. 

 

My brother is working all week, my dad is working, my sister is doing an online short uni course, so is in her room working. So they basically spend all the day in separate rooms, doing their video calls and whatever. Once in a while they might go shopping but very rarely to be honest. We maybe shop once a week and then that is it, we are just here. 

 

I really feel for your dad and I can relate a lot to how he feels. I will pray for him. He is spot on - we are all God's children!! 

 

Must say that is superb stuff today brother. Dropping a parcel off, the client, seeing your parents, washed the car and did some shopping!! WOW!! Brilliant effort brother!! So proud of you!! That is an amazing effort considering the circumstances! Bravo!! That is so inspiring for me to read!! 

 

I hope you have a great Saturday brother! The weather here is incredible!! 

 

I love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my angel! 

 

Oh I am really sorry to hear of your struggles! I am so tired here but I put myself in God's hands and let go! 

 

I will be praying for you my love! For HOPE and JOY and PEACE and LOVE!! I think of you everyday! 

 

I am excited for the washing machine my love!! I hope it isn't too hard! 

 

You are so brave and a truly special person!! Thank you for inspiring me my love!! 

 

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE!!! 

 

WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER! AND TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE IT!! 

 

I love you my superstar and Princess!!! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

I really hear you with all that you are doing - or not doing in this case. It is just like the war as you said when you were first leaving London. Everyone packed off down to the country and just stuck it out. I suppose it has some benefits being where I am insomuch that I have my creature comforts, but you still have the same feeling of never escaping the mundane. Your spot sounds like it worth its area in gold! I would love to have a spot, but around here, it would be shared by so many other people and I would never be alone, and it would never be quiet! 

 

It must be so difficult to just go with the flow when you are in that state of flux - but as you say, the benefit being that it can change so quickly. I suppose with all withdrawals the amplitude of change will reduce along with the frequency over time, but this one really has done a number on you with the time it is taking.

 

Not overreacting is the key as you say. Keeping focused on the next good point. I am doing this at the moment as I have been somewhat flat again. Not depression per se, just finding it very difficult to be enthused. Whereas I could look out the window at my car and feel proud and excited about the work I am yet to do, there is very little there... it is just a car. I really don't like that feeling. The same with my art. I am thinking - what is the point in doing it. I will do it and it will just sit on my computer and I will occasionally look at it. But this is the chemicals talking as it is the doing part of the car and art that I love - the learning. I just want it back.

 

I am feeling a bit more enthusiastic this evening, but always mindful of what the next day will bring. But I have been fine, and excited in the mornings many times in the last 6 months, so I know it will come back, hence me saying to you about the not overreacting as I will think I will be stuck like this for good...

 

Doesn't help that Mrs Scrat is really not doing much better and she never goes anywhere with me and just sit indoors all day. She hasn't even been for a walk this week - apart from a bit of shopping on Monday - so 5 days now without going out - it is not good - as you well know. I had a day off, but I went to my parents again and saw the cat and also popped into the big supermarket to look for reductions - just to keep my feeling normal after these last few days.

 

Thank you for the description of the surroundings - I remember now you did say it was out front. It must be tough on the whole family too working from home. I guess they must walk or see people in the village from time to time, otherwise they would start to get cabin fever too surely? I don't know how anyone couldn't... we are simply not made for that being human!

 

Didn't get as much meditation in last night as I wanted - about 25 minutes - so I need to get back on top of it as I worry my dreams could return. I am still feeling a bit out of sorts for the first 30 minutes or so after waking, so it is bearable, but knowing that much is there tells me that it could still quickly and easily return.

 

Prayers all round for the musketeers!!

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother, as you will see my time got messed up again!! Good news is that it has been a decent 24 hours!! But I do feel completely knackered now, so sorry if this is a bit short. 

 

Last night after I posted I did some reading of my book, just incredible the stuff I was reading. The findings of modern physics are just so beautiful and I really had to have plenty of time to take in what I was reading, as the implications were just extraordinary. Basically about how the whole universe is connected and in relationship with everything. I will try and find you a link to some of the stuff! Then went to bed in a really good mood as I was so moved by what I had read. It is an amazing feeling when an intuitional feeling you have about the universe is proved to be true in a scientific environment. 

 

Then woke feeling decent but just very weak. I bumped into my friend from the village again walking his staffy, so got plenty of licks again!! Then my sister got back from a run and my brother a walk in the village and we all chatted together. I must admit it was quite an effort as I was just feeling so weak. I then headed up to my spot for a little while. I was feeling a bit down about how weak I was and so I started talking to myself out loud, going over all my teachings. Just looking at the context and the bigger picture. It is so easy to get bogged down in the emotion passing through. So I just really wanted to take a step back and it really helped to literally talk myself through the process. I wouldn't really be able to that in London LOL!! Then we celebrated my brothers b day. He got his presents which was fun! Then just the usual. I woke from my siesta feeling less anxiety than the last few days. 

 

Again though I have had extraordinary changes in consciousness throughout the day. I was really really flat and low around the time of my walk, but then by lunch I just felt amazing. This huge swing in just a few hours. And it wasn't even manic, just a feeling of contentment and peace. 

 

Great you got to see your parents again! Really good you are being so motivated despite the circumstances. 

 

Not overreacting and also what I really drilled into myself today is stick to the process. As you said to me 'fake it till you make it'. The more I tell my brain I can carry on as normal the more I can just let things be. If I start becoming overprotective then I am just going to make myself extra sensitive and then you just get more and more insular. My temperament is naturally one of caution due to my history of social anxiety and OCD so I need to keep alert. 

 

I am sorry about you feeling flat but you are spot on in that it won't last. The excitement will be back. It is so frustrating but like I said just trust in the process and acknowledge that you have absolutely smashed this lockdown, this 'ultimate exposure'. Honestly you have done amazing man. Truly inspiring stuff. 

 

Ok man sorry for the short post. Better get some sleep LOL!! 

 

I am praying everyday for you brother!!

 

Love you and God Bless!

[gail]

London and Scratt,good posts as usual.

London, what do you mean by STICKING with the process? Just like Scratt, I imagine getting stuk in this state of mind forever. I've had good days but the last five were horrific. I'll go back to one serquel Tonite.

Also, give me an example of your teaching that might help me to pull through please London, I. Need that. Thank you. I'm happy to see that you had a much better day yesterday. Love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Gailage....

 

When you say you are going back to one seroquel tonight, what was it before? If you are starting out, you need to let it build up on a consistent dose before changing. Might well have something to do with the mood stability.

 

Had a long conversation with the upstairs for you about mood, washing machines and all sorts. I don't know how much they have got on with al the virus stuff, but hopefully you are not too far back in the queue!!

 

Much lovage...

 

Your Scrat

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

No kidding your time got messed up!! LOL. It was a really late one for me (around 5am) last night and I wondered what had happened to you! 

 

No problem for shorter response - especially as mine will also be truncated as I again didn't get enough meditation in last night and dreams gave a little hint or a return last night. I didn't realise they were THAT close. Just shows how bad stress can be.

 

On the plus side, Mrs Scrat has had a referral come thru and she should have skype therapy sessions starting in the next 2-3 weeks, which will be great. It will certainly take some stress off me. I just hope she sticks it out. It is bad enough that under the NHS you only get 8 sessions which really takes the p*ss, but if she gets on, then I will find the funds for her to continue somehow. Prayers please!!!

 

Now the other great news - so so glad you had a decent 24 hours. Shows things are looking up and that there are good days on the horizon. They can reach that place!! They are possible!! Believe it brother!! As you say, joy is coming!!

 

Wish I had more time to read the same books as you so we could discuss. Maybe when my studies are done we should, but when I read outside of studying it needs to be children's fairy story stuff as I can lose myself nicely in it...

 

My image today was the house and all the family doing their stuff. It sounds like a bit of an office block! I also read B's Insta and whether or not her event would come about. Please let her know that I am thinking of her, and that I sincerely hope that it can somehow be pulled off, or postponed to be scheduled properly later. The dear lass deserves it...

 

Thank you so much for your signing off words about smashing the lockdown. I still forget that I am living that way. Two of my usual clients have said they are staying put "for some time" despite me suggesting we start up again, so this is a bit of a hit to the finances. I don't think the government realises what they have done. Sure, I get my 80% for three months, but that is nearly up - I'm still far from working full compliment, and I have lost clients. How will they compensate that?!

 

Sorry to change from a good to a bad note! Wasn't intended. Really hope you have similar good news from today brother!

 

Love you!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Just so tired here. My day was fine mood wise but I've been hit with severe fatigue. Last night I went to bed after posting and woke up really tired. Somehow managed to get to my spot in the field but I can't remember it being so hard all trip. It was genuinely a huge physical effort to make it up there. Once there I relaxed for a bit and prayed and then very slowly make my way back down. At least coming back it is down hill. Then the rest of the day was fine. Tonight I just feel completely physically exhausted. My body is so weak. I'm not too upset about it as it has happened before I have had big dips in energy. During this withdrawal and before it. But it just means I can't do much. 

 

Delighted to hear the news about Mrs. Scrat!! I will definitely be praying it works out. I was praying for her in the field today, so that is beautiful to hear such news!! 

 

Thanks for the kinds words about my sister and I will pass them on! Yeah it is an office building during week haha!! 

 

Don't apologise at all mate. You have every right to be furious. Much more than me, and I am very angry. There is so much on your plate and I am just immensely proud of you brother!! As I said yesterday you are smashing this!!! 

 

I really hope tonight you got some meditation in and that your sleep was ok! Got therapy tomorrow morning but then another week of nothing! 

 

Love you brother and God Bless!!!

[LDN]

Coucou my superstar!! 

 

A very tired Prince here!! 

 

I am so sorry about the last 5 days being horrific. That hurts to read. I know it won't last. Remember that. 

 

When I say I stick to the process, I mean to stick to my plan me and my therapist have come up with. So that means to go out everyday, to not give in to my anxiety, to follow my routines even if I feel bad. Try and treat each day the same despite how I am feeling. I finds this helps make me notice less how I am feeling. For example, I don't go 'shall I see the sheep', because that would make me anxious and I wouldn't know what to do. I would stress over the decision. So I just go, whatever I am feeling. Then it takes away the stress of the decision. Same with my sauna and shower etc. Some days will be good, some days will be bad, so try and just carry on whatever. 

 

For a teaching that might help you to pull through I would say to remember that this is not your home, your home is in heaven and heaven is waiting for us. This is just a HUMAN EXPERIENCE but we are SPIRITUAL BEINGS. Right now we can't make sense of why we suffer, but in heaven it will make perfect sense and we will cry tears of joy when we understand. Remember just like with Jesus God will make a masterpiece of our suffering. We do not suffer for nothing. What is causing you and me and IUN our suffering is our shell and it's problems, but without the shell we will be free. But while we have the shell we have a job to do - for example spread Love. So you must know Gail you are making some many peoples lives full of joy - think of me, IUN and fishinghat! We adore you!! Denis as well - he must love your company! The nurses who loved you! You are light to so many of us! And this suffering will not last - JOY IS COMING! Like for Jesus Joy is coming!! Right now it is real tough for us, but in the end it will be so so beautiful. The journey is tough but our destination is amazing!!! 

 

I will be praying will all my heart for you!! For HOPE and JOY and PEACE and LOVE! I pray for this everyday!! 

 

Thank you for inspiring me and being a light in my life!! 

 

I love you my Princess!!! God Bless!!

[gail]

London, thank you so much for the explanation. so much. Simple enough, but to make a dàily practice must have it's rewards . I have pictures in mind that prove it.

Difficulty with the tablet once more, you are helping me more than you think. Thank you, I love you so much.

[gail]

[quote name="invalidusername" post="93512" timestamp="1590963190"]Gailage....
 
When you say you are going back to one seroquel tonight, what was it before? If you are starting out, you need to let it build up on a consistent dose before changing. Might well have something to do with the mood stability.
 
Had a long conversation with the upstairs for you about mood, washing machines and all sorts. I don't know how much they have got on with al the virus stuff, but hopefully you are not too far back in the queue!!
 
Much lovage...

Hello Scrat, I wAs on 50mg for two weeks. Five bad days in fifteen, five good and five of
Been eight on 100mg, not a single good day. So back to 50 by my doctor. Time will tell. Thànk you for your prayers. Lovage too the moon. gailàge.
 

[invalidusername]

Hi Gailage, 

 

Thank you for clarifying your dose at the moment, I wasn't too sure where you were with the dose. 

 

I really hope you are able to get some peace from them soon. It is really crazy with your Seroquel, LDN's withdrawal and my stress!!

 

Always the musketeers!!

 

Much much lovage

 

Scrattage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother,

 

I've done it again. I was doing my daily rounds on the forum and my co-worker came to Skype and need some help with project, so I have just lost 45 minutes!! I am so sorry that this has to be taken out of message time, but I need to get my time in on the meditation and reading. I didn't read at all last night! It really makes a difference...

 

Really glad that you had a stable mood yesterday, but the fatigue! There is always something!! But the amazing thing is you did what you did - you got out and carried on with life as you could. Shows courage and commitment - and plenty of inspiration.

 

Mrs Scrat got a call already from the therapy people and they have her booked in for her first session/assessment in less than 2 weeks! That is impressive stuff. Can feel the stress lift off my shoulders already...

 

Had a very strange turn this morning. I woke up to some very nasty depression, but it was for sure chemical as I was thinking to myself that I have no reason for this - so I just let it be and it went within about an hour. But it is so difficult to not scare myself as to what was going on. But my homeopath has stopped my daily remedy as she wants to see what is going on, so as that is the only thing that has changed, I am looking at that as the cause. But she needs to do what she must before we start the withdrawal. Again, scary stuff, but as long as I go slow enough... but there will be lots of pill shaving and so forth. It will be like the bead counting days all over again... Oh such joy!

 

Anyway - must get on with routine. Will be waiting to hear how your therapy went and hopefully you had a bit more energy and the mood stayed level for you..

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Ok day here! Woke and had the therapist, which was a great session. Talked a lot about the self esteem issues and I found it really productive. She was talking about the ego and superego and how there is sort of a battle between them going on right now in me. Really interesting stuff. The only frustration is that she has a week off next week, for won't speak for 2 weeks. But she definitely deserves a rest, that is for sure. But I just really find having a weekly check in so helpful. 

 

Then went to the field afterwards for a short while, but was feeling very weak again. I forgot to tell you that the other day I saw a pheasant and his Mrs. with a tiny little chick walking through the field. I saw the chick right up close! The pheasant seemed shall we say forceful with his Mrs. Had her pinned down and she get escaping. 

 

Then just the usual and very relaxed. But this evening depression has come back in again. Definitely the evenings are the worst for me right now, which is unusual. The days generally im pretty positive but once my evening time kicks in, I seem to get this combination of terrible self esteem, exhaustion and depression. Feel like I can't do anything but just stare at the walls. Everything is just a massive effort. No buzz or excitement in me at all. Just epically flat. Things are better than they were but it is still frustrating. Last night for example I didn't manage any reading because I was just staring at my computer or looking out the window aimlessly. Normally I am so driven and disciplined and motivated, but right now I've got nothing and just running on empty. 

 

I just have to be patient and really be strict with myself. In the past I have felt very physically weak but had the energy for reading and my mind was working fine. But now it is both. My body is weak and my mind is so slow and flat. So I sort of feel really aimlessly. 

 

Fantastic to hear that news about Mrs. Scrat!! I praying again for her today in the field, so that is fantastic!! 

 

Really sorry to hear you woke with such nasty depression, but brilliant you could just let it be and it went. Sounds you did a fantastic job in how you reacted to a chemical situation and our reaction is all we can control! Massive well done man!!

 

I really hope you get some nice reading and meditation in tonight my brother! 

 

I must say I dealing with real feelings of loneliness right now, but having this safe space here, it means the world! Just to know I can come here every night and just express myself, it means the world! So so grateful for you brother! More than I can put into words! As I have said before my 2nd family! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail!! 

 

Lovely words my love! I am happy my words can help, your words help me so much! As I was saying to IUN this is my 2nd family here! You mean the world to me my love!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me! I will never put into words how much you have touched me and mean to me!! I adore you!!! 

 

So my love I look forward to hearing how the new washing machine is going!!

 

I really hope adapting the dose of Seroquel will help my love!! I will pray for this! 

 

As always I am praying for LOVE and HOPE and PEACE and JOY!! 

 

I love you so much my Princess!! 

 

God Bless!!

[gail]

Coucou you two! A good day for me yesterday at last! To be followed!
I never know what to expect!
Love you both!

[invalidusername]

Coucou you two! A good day for me yesterday at last! To be followed!
I never know what to expect!
Love you both!

 

Excellent - I just saw this after my prayers, so it was good to see some answers appearing! Really happy for you.

 

Don't question the how and the why - just enjoy the present...

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey Brother!

 

Great to hear about your therapy and that you thrashed some self esteem issues - excellent stuff. Is this therapy person the one that was changed as your usual one is on preggy leave? I forget which is which! I only ask as you were concerned about how the replacement interim therapist would be, and if so, it looks like it has turned out well.I have got a week off therapy this week as Mrs Scrat has got a call from the therapy people and she wants me with her to help her through it, which I can understand.

 

That said, I looked into the company that the GP suggested and man have they got some sh*t reviews! All over facebook people are saying they had the screening call and the assessment and they were then left for 6,7... 9 months before they heard anything! No way. So we will approach this on the call tomorrow. I don't want to be wasting any more time.

 

Wow - lovely picture about the pheasant! I'm afraid I am quite cynical about them being in the country and would expect the parents to be shot before long. Apologies, but that is he reality of country life. Being a vegetarian I can get away with stuff like that and I don't agree with the shooting. It is not fair game (no pun!). They use dogs to run through the grass to scare them into flight and then they get shot. So wrong in my book. Catch it with your hands if you can!!

 

Seems like we are completely opposite with you having depression etc in the evening and mine comes in the morning. Fortunately, today was much better and I was quite productive without too much stress. But I am sorry to read that you are at that place where everything is a massive effort. I really know. It is because there is no reward at the end and you see no reason for doing anything, so naturally it will be an effort. But this is all still chemical for you so it is a no-win situation, and for you to be faking it as you have said, will take so much bravery and strength of attitude. 

 

But the fact that you can see the improvement goes a long way. As you know, it is always more difficult for us to see improvement in ourselves, so if YOU can see it, then it must be good. Keep going brother. I'm there with you and supporting you the whole way. You say that I am smashing this lockdown, but if I had a withdrawal going on at the same time, well.... Don't sell yourself short man! You blow me away some days with what you manage to do.

 

Oh, and before I forget - thanks for the link via email. It is all stuff that I am glad people are being informed about, and still people do not understand when I say I have delayed sleep phase disorder. It is properly recognised - like your Lymes, but much less of an issue. But it made for a good read.

 

I share your feelings about being able to come here. I had another meeting this evening so again I am late, but I can't write another shorty as I don't want to! Like you say, it is all part of my recovery, my therapy and help for us all that I write. Can you imagine if for whatever reason we have a forum "lockdown" and couldn't write for a couple of weeks or something... scares the crap out of me just to think!!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Forum lockdown oh man don't go there!! Great to hear you had a good day! So pleased to read that!!

 

Last night I actually managed to listen to some music which was a surprise since I didn't think I would have the energy. So that was a positive. Then slept well and found it hard to get up this morning. Once up went to the field and spend an hour there. It was incredible weather. The field is so dry right now. There has been so little rain recently, so it feels almost like a desert out there. The rest of the day ok until I woke from my siesta and felt anxious, don't know where it came it from, but it shook me a bit. I felt just so exhausted by this whole withdrawal and my weakness. With all my existing conditions it is hard enough but add in this withdrawal and it just so tough. I have had the pain downstairs come back, which is not nice. I'm sure it is the withdrawal. I have no idea how it is causing it but I know withdrawals can do all sorts of weird things. Something to do with my nervous system I think. Also been having stomach discomfort and cramps. Plus my muscles are really aching and weak. So my body has a lot to face. Last night as I went to bed I had really bad pain downstairs and I feel lucky I got to sleep so quickly. 

 

This life can be such a struggle. Mentally I know if I let my guard down and let the negativity in, then I will become swamped in it. So I have to really put so much effort into my positive thinking. So times it can come quite easily but on a night like tonight it is a real effort, to not indulge in the negativity. It is fine to feel depressed and down, because that is chemical, but if I really start feeding these negative thoughts it just makes things so much worse. I've learned the hard way. You have to be ruthless. But that does require a huge amount of discipline and effort. It is exhausting mentally. You just have to keep motivated and keep being positive. Focus on the bigger picture and the reason I am here. Put all my energy into love. It is a simple as that. Keep the focus solely on love. 

 

What day is your therapy session with Mrs. Scrat, if you don't mind me asking? As I can then specially pray for it. My therapist is my usual one. It was my p doc that went away. I have spoken to the replacement one for ages, which is actually a good achievement. Bit gutted the therapist is not on next week, but she 100% deserves a break. I just find that weekly check so invaluable right now, when the days all feel the same. Means I can get a bit of context and take a step back and go over what has gone on. Posting on here is the same. I can just take in what has happened today and take stock. Plus feel the warmth and love of you guys!! 

 

Yeah I so pleased to see people are starting to wake up (LOL!!!) to situation with sleep. As I said to you I am going to send that article to anybody who gives me stick, I will have it up my sleeve LOL!! 

 

Yeah the pheasants are shot as I can hear the guns often. I think it a farm nearby. So yes always a bit of sadness when I see them. 

 

Again delighted you had a good day and felt productive! Really delighted! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!