Oh I can't believe it!! I just wrote a really long post and it took me ages and then my internet crashed and it doesn't seem to have saved!!!!!!!!!! Oh I feel like crying!!! Been writing for about an hour!! Oh man I can't believe it! I put so much effort into that post!! Oh this is stressful!
Ok so I am going to have to give a really shortened version because I am so knackered and I just so upset about this.
Ah sorry man - lost my head a bit here. Put so much effort into post and I am not feeling good anyway. Much have been about 1,500 words or so!!
So the wired and adrenaline feeling came back again tonight. Pretty hard as well. Felt this intense internal energy. So that has been 4 nights in a row now. Last night after I posted I listened to some music for the 3rd night in a row and that seemed to help. I went to bed feeling ok. I slept well thankfully. I woke feeling fine but pretty tired and weak. I went to field but not for quite a short time due how weak I was feeling. Then just my usual routine. I woke from siesta and started to feel pretty irritable and edgy. All that adrenaline from last night seemed to have taken it's toll on me. I felt really run down and stressed and tense and overwhelmed. Then this evening the intense wired feeling came back. So it is non-stop right now. I was saying that I feel like a drug addict. Get the wired high and then feeling a come down and then the high when you take the drug again. That sort of cycle. Huge swings in energy in such a short space of time. Like I said yesterday I don't know what is coming in the next hour let alone the next day! Honestly swings in consciousness are huge. The world feels a different place every few hours. Like I am hoping between different planets! I was saying it is really interesting intellectually, especially if like me you are interested in consciousness, but it is damn exhausting. Everything is a bit of blur. Actually more than a bit LOL!! I can really relate immensely to your comments are feeling in a computer game. For me it feels I am playing different characters in different games. Barely have a clue what day it is or what month or anything. Or I am thinking about is breathing deeply, letting go and following my process and routine.
I wrote in my last post extensively about this, but I had a lovely moment earlier which I was looking forward to telling you. Still feeling gutted it has been wiped though LOL!! Anyway I was back from the field and I felt weak but I just wanted a bit more fresh air before I came inside. I was breathing deeply and noticed this tree in the distance on a hill. It must have been about 1 1/2 miles away or around that. Something to do it's relation to the surroundings and light made it completely captivate me. I just stared at for ages, about 20 minutes. I had this utterly incredible feeling of liberation. I remember really clearly thinking to myself - 'I don't need anything, right here I have everything'. Just this total peace and joy in the present moment. It was like a Summerland flashback, except I was very much present in the moment. I am someone who oftens think I need x, y and z, especially considering my illness and disability and so to have this feeling of not wanting or needing anything was stunning. And it felt so real, more real than 'normal' consciousness. It was what I would call heaven consciousness. Having a feeling of ultimate reality. It was sort of beyond a sense of place and time - just utter joy in this tree. The whole universe felt in that tree. It was like being liberated from my shell and shell ways of thinking and seeing through the eyes of my soul, my inherent spiritual being. I felt to myself 'this life is a miracle, and heaven is right here'. I closed my eyes and thought of God and had this overpowering feeling of love. Just this intense love for God. My heart overflowing with love for God. It wasn't like I felt all will be well, I knew it, if that makes sense. I didn't have no single doubt in my mind of the validity of what was happening.
I think we are conditioned to think a certain way and it is very hard to get out of that comfort zone. I felt like a child again, but just with more spiritual awareness. I think when things are so unstable as they are for me right now it shakes everything up, and one positive is that your safe ways of thinking and seeing existence are challenged. Having everything shaken up can make it easier to move beyond the 'shell mentality' and return to that child again. I don't know if that makes sense LOL!!! I have had been lucky to have moment like this before, when time sort of stands still, but they really are moments that change your life. Having that sensation of complete liberation and no worries and that everything thing is going to be alright. It is an extraordinary state of consciousness to be in, so different from our shell consciousness. I am very much back in shell consciousness now I can tell you that LOL!!! But these moments give us a taste of home and what is to come!!
So sorry to hear of your derealisation brother. I can relate so much, with what I am going through. I really feel in a simulation or something. I feel very disconnected, which makes it more amazing that I had this moment of intense connectedness earlier!! I really feel for you and I will be praying. Sorry aswell about your dreams. I hope you managed to get a restful night in with maybe some meditation as that seems to help. Also if you started your book, I hope that went well!! Plus a massive bravo for doing all those jobs despite how you were feeling, that is a massive achievement man!!! Insane! Shopping, fuel, clients and your parents all in that state is a massive achievement!! So proud of you!
Ok man so tired here after the stress of that message getting deleted!!! I hope my post made some sense LOL!!! Everything is just so all over the shop right now. All I doing is just focussing on my breath, letting go and just following my process and routine. It is just such a blur though!!
We are in this together!!
Love you brother!!
God Bless!
