2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Glad you liked that link. You will probably get round to that before I do!! I have got to get back on with my research soon so I am ready for when the "lift" starts a bit more. The problem was that I was limited to what I could do to get responses to my research during the lockdown, so I have taken this term off. Aside from anything else, it is money that simply isn't there. But all I can do is write my thesis and read papers that I need to catch up on, so there is not much for my supervisor and I to talk about.

 

Crikey - so did you have another WhatsApp call today? It is good to like it in the moment and not to get caught up with it, but yes, you need to be really careful as you are. One exposure could be the one to upset the apple cart. Sure things are chemical, but these bloody chemicals can still cause the problems as much as we aren't causing them ourselves. It sucks. Well, you will have to let me know what happened and how it all went...

 

Sounds like this withdrawal is really going through all the emotions and re-cataloging them all again. Of course it will be draining and to have to go over the same process time and again with yet another withdrawal is too much. It really makes me concerned about coming off my Citalopram. I keep thinking that 6 months into recovery, I will be fine, but then I was "fine" for 10 years when the doctor took me off cold turkey in 2018 which then gave way to the last episode which took care of the following 2 years. You just can't underestimate these things at all. If someone had told me at the start of July 2018 that a month later I would be suffering severe anxiety all over again, I would never have believed it. This is why slow is always the way. Think slow and then even slower!!

 

Really liked your talk of the shepherd in your message to Gail. That is very much you man. Looking after his flocks. But I expect they didn't know better about humans when they were younger and the longer there are without them, the more they will be concerned. So don't take it personally!!

 

Again, as said to Gail, today has been another good one. Woke up feeling positive. Shame that the weather wasn't that good, but I got quite a lot done. There was a little work to do, but I did it in short spurts, and rested inbetween. So I am back to my right time for writing to you which is good. Art didn't get a look in though, but there is no reason why I can't integrate it into my mon-fri. Will see how tomorrow goes.

 

Prayers will continue to ask for a flattening of these changes in your mood. Anxiety to flat to depression. Sure it is textbook withdrawal, but you need some clearer weather on the horizon - a few more and more frequent moments of change for the better. More moments of peace - less glimmers and more moments. That's what we need for you... Then they will get longer in duration and this will all have been a bad dream. That's the plan!! I will get praying!!

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Last night I was feeling quite anxious throughout the night but did manage to finish my book, which was pleasing. 340 pages in 1 1/2 weeks is the best I have done for a long time!! Then went to bed and things got nasty. Couldn't sleep and the anxiety was really bad. My chest was so tense. Had pains around my heart. I don't think it was anxiety around the call because I am pretty good at telling the difference, it definitely felt withdrawal/chemical to me. Then woke from the nasty sleep and saw my friends were suggesting later, so went back to bed for an hour. That was pretty horrible. When I have really bad morning anxiety I hate lying in bed. I feel like I have to get up and do stuff to distract me. But after your advice from Claire Weekes about 'feeling' the anxiety I felt I had to lie there with it. It was tough but I felt a very great sense of achievement afterwards. Just lying there in my bed, desperate to get up. 

 

So then I got up an hour later after managing to dose off despite the anxiety and hadn't heard back from my friends so I was a bit in limbo but I dealt with that very well. Then I suddenly heard they were good for 4 30 but I was actually very calm. I was so surprised especially after such an awful night. I remember thinking last night 'I just hope I have a good night so I am in good shape tomorrow' and the opposite happened. But weirdly it was like the night was so bad that I felt I had nothing to fear. As I was lying there I was thinking to myself my chemistry is so messed up and causing such havoc, I have nothing to fear from just chatting with humans. So I really turned a negative into a positive. This is something I did really well over Christmas and in December when I had massive anxiety. 

 

So within minutes of the call being confirmed they called, I had just got up to my room in time. But as I say I was very relaxed! The call then went great! Didn't feel anxiety once throughout it. Chatted for about an hour. Felt no nerves or shy. My friend he had to go and I saw it had been an hour and thought 'crickey that was quick', which is a sure sign of enjoying it. Bear in mind this was only the 2nd time I was spoken to these guys for nearly 10 years!! The other being at the beginning of my stay at the country. 

 

I know I make this point a lot but it really highlighted to me just how chemical what I am going through is. I can me myself for little moments, but most of the time I am not feeling good. I really was taken a back by how relaxed I was during the whole thing. Especially considering the circumstances. So it was a big exposure for me. 

 

Then this evening I felt rubbish again. I should have been feeling great and in normal circumstance I would have. But it is just so draining and stressful. I feel like I am carrying a heavy load all day. My back feels like breaking under the strain. I feel on edge all the time. I can't relax and feel at ease. I am not worrying about anything but just constant headaches, anxiety, stress, feeling overrun, mental claustrophobia. Tension all over my body. Anyway I am really sorry for being so negative, it is just I can't lie to you brother. Plus it helps so much for me to let off steam. I just thinking of you today when I went on a quick walk and how much of a rock you are right now. Honestly you doing God's work on earth brother. No doubt about that. The strength you give me is beyond words. Getting me emotional just thinking about it!! 

 

Went briefly to see the sheep and they were very edgy today. I have no idea why. One of them was sort of shaking and running manically and then jumped into the air, really high. It was very strange. The lambs were running all over the place as well. I am telling you man I am losing my touch LOL!! No I know it isn't personal, but the lambs definitely are much more scared of me. I can't even get remotely close now, without them running off!! 

 

So happy you had a good day!! So great to hear! Really inspirational stuff man!! You are doing so so well!! So proud of you!! 

 

I will be praying brother! 

 

Love you and God Bless!

[LDN]

COUCOU MY PRINCESS!!! 

 

Ah so nice to read you!! Thanks for your words!! You were spot on! It went really well, so thank you God for that! It was good for my confidence! 

 

I am sorry about the weather my love. Saturday was so warm here but today was rubbish. Saying that I do love the rain, so when I went to see my sheep I quite enjoyed it. Very windy as well. Plus cold!! 

 

Your strength is helping me a lot my love! I think of you in my tough moments a lot! This helps! 

 

I keep praying for you - for HOPE and the bubbles! 

 

I agree my love about suffering - I think we do help others in our suffering like Jesus did. For example, look at you and IUN! You both help me so so much!! I don't know where I would be without you!! God works in mysterious and miraculous ways!! All will make sense one day!! 

 

You are doing so well my love!! I am always here for you! 

 

Love you and God Bless!!

[gail]

Coucou you two,

Scrat, another magical day for you. And to say that nothing brought that on. Jesus might have a say in this. I hope It lasts. Lovage

London my love, having a hard time but doing great just the same with your exposures. For the lambs, it was full moon and perhaps it has to do with their behavior. It also must be traumatizing to get shaved like that. Prayers for you both.

The last bubble is hard to fall. Even if I play with it. It was not a good day yesterday, crying and desperate and it goes away then comes back. Appointment with my doctor by phone later, will ask for Seroquel. It did me good in the past. Some days, I don't know how I'll make it. Will update on that next week. With love, Gail

[invalidusername]

You know, I didn't even know that coucou mean "hello" in French!! I thought it was just some strange noise you both were saying on here!! But I can speak conversational French, so I wonder why I have never heard it?! 

 

And yes Gailage, I am quite sure there was intervention in my weekend. A gift after the suffering from the weekend before. Never want to go through that again.

 

How did the doctor go for you? Seroquel will be good for you to ease some of this nastiness. I really want more of the same from the last few days for you. 

 

I have just search for the type of thing you have and dear God, I wish I hadn't. I found this;

 

http://journal.sajc....6_114132_f3.jpg

 

I am guessing it is something similar?

 

My poor poor Gailage.

 

More lovage and prayers coming your way.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I have just written to another member on here who has been with us for a while on and off, and the poor blighter has really be struggling with existential issues. Since his withdrawal they have been plaguing him, and from what he was asking earlier, I thought to recommend you - but at least direct him here to read some of the stuff we talk about. 

 

You can see what I wrote here;

 

https://www.cymbalta...r-help/?p=93127

 

AJ has been through a fair bit, plus being a veteran, he had a lot to contend with, so hopefully he will find comfort in these pages - as I do anyone who read them.

 

So you have been averaging 34 pages a night!! That is quite something - especially considering the books that you choose to read! Just think how much you could have gone through in the space of a year! 30 odd books or so... that is wonderful. 

 

It really does sound like your anxiety was jumping on the back of your meet with your friends. Even though inside you knew you would be calm, it chose to exploit it in your head. As you say, it isn't the circumstances, it just used that as a jumping board to kick start the chemical reaction. I often found that on the days leading up to the pregabalin. And then of course afterwards when the Pregab didn't work.

 

But so glad to hear that you went with the Weekes approach. It can be so difficult to just let it be there, but it is all about keeping your brain in check during these moments so it doesn't get into bad habits. 

 

Sounds like you did really well with the meeting - knew you would have done - but even so, congrats are definately in order! Real shame that it was followed by feeling bad. It is sort of feeling bad for being anxious about something, then having no anxiety during the thing you were worried about, so then you feel bad because you worried about it. If that makes sense! But I have often found that. So sorry that you are still having the mental claustrophobia. That really needs to sod off! I really do hope that starts to clear up. But the headaches and the pain sure does point to the withdrawal being the culprit.

 

Prayers will continue for you dear brother.

 

I was all over the place today. Not the easiest of starts. Got woken up at 10.30am - which for us is NOT good. Was a customer at the front door. If I told her once, I told her 1000 times. DO NOT come before 1pm. It was only to collect a repair, but of course, once you are out of bed, down 5 flights of stairs and back up again, that is it. But I was too shattered to start the day, so I just lay in bed for another couple of hours hoping I would get a few more winks.

 

But today I have done 2 more Skype sessions totalling 3 hours, been to the bank and a shopping trip. So a bit wired and need to calm down. Again, I am typing my usually crazy 10000 words per minute! 

 

So on that note, I am going to try to get some reading done, or perhaps listen to a bit of music first. That usual calms me if I get the right genre...

 

Love you man!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Sorry to hear about your morning wake up! That is so frustrating! But sounds like another solid day for you, so massive well done!! The skypes sessions plus the bank and a shop is excellent stuff! 

 

I had therapy this morning so that meant an earlier start. Obviously I had A LOT to get through since the last session, so it was a bit of a case of cramming everything in. But it was a good session. I told her how you had pointed out to me that I was doing some great steps but that I hadn't really noticed because I am not getting any satisfaction at the moment. She completely agreed with you and said I need to more of cheerleader for myself. She was very happy I was sticking to my process. 

 

After that my day was actually pretty decent. I didn't feel amazing but just not feeling terrible is an upgrade. Went in the field and then just the usual. Feel a bit tired tonight though. 

 

So funny in the field today. One of the lambs was lying on it's back and wriggling it's hooves in the air!! Unbelievably cute!! I then would roll over and then do it again. I think it must have been itching it's back or something. But I just wanted to go over a cuddle with it so much! It was so adorable! Really put a smile on my face! 

 

Really cold today here! On Saturday it was boiling as well!

 

Delighted if AJ would like to read us! And if our writings can help in anyway! 

 

Ok man hope you had a good night and all the best for tomorrow! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail, 

 

I am so so sorry my love for your tough day. Really hurts to hear this. I hope your call with your Doctor went well. 

 

I really hope you had a better day today!! 

 

I am praying of course for my superstar!! Praying for HOPE and the bubbles!

 

My love you are so brave and so courageous and have such an amazing spirit!! I am always in awe of you my love!! YOU REALLY ARE SOMETHING SPECIAL!!! PLEASE KNOW THIS!!! 

 

You have been helping me through this A LOT!!! 

 

Remember we are together and TOGETHER we will make it!!! I am with my love all the way!!! 

 

Jesus is with us!!

 

I found some quotes you may like, below - 

 

'Faith is not the absence of doubt, it is the means to overcome it' - Steven Furtick 

 

'Doubt is not the opposite of faith; It is one element of faith' - Paul Tillich

 

'Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother' - Kahlil Gibran

 

So much JOY is coming!!! 

 

BRAVO HERO GAIL!!!! 

 

You are amazing to me!! WOW! Truly inspire me! 

 

I love you my Princess! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Scrat, not far from the truth. The picture is different to my bubble, since I lost the first one, it looks much better. It doesn't show, it's gh the front teeth.

London, delighted that you can help our friend AJ. The phone meeting with my precious doctor went pretty good. Got the Seroquel, starting low at 50 xr. In two weeks, we'll see if it's enough. Five years back, I tried it for 3 months which help to taper the Ativan.

I love you guys, AJ included. Hasta mañana!

[invalidusername]

Hey guys...

 

I'm still there with the timing - not late again tonight! Bit worried at the moment as the town seems to have suddenly woken from a deep sleep. I had to go back to the bank today, and the town was heaving. I was queuing for about 20 minutes, but the job had to be done, so I stayed with it. Not really much anxiety. I ran into one of my clients who said he should be opening up next week, and some girls stopped me and complimented me on my car!! Sounding all a bit normal!

 

However, what is concerning is that people are going back up to the city to work, and they will become infected and bring it back down to our town. Because we are only 35 minutes on the train from London, there are plenty of commuters here. So while London are worried about a second wave, we could be looking at our first wave, and then it will all happen again.

 

Great stuff on the therapy man. Glad that there was agreement - you can't dispute this now! So difficult to see past all the trees in the way of the wood, but acknowledgement is the biggest part. And then to have an "upgraded" day. Awesome. Again, what I would have given to have been there in the field with you and the lambs!  

 

Right - busy day tomorrow, so I need to start winding down so I sleep well. Think I am getting better with the time thing. More time will tell...

 

Love you man!

 

God Bless

 

p.s. something I found for you - there is hope for you owning a lamb

 

[LDN]

Hey brother!! I have a massive headache and can barely think so will have to be quite a short post from me tonight.

 

Girls stopping you and complimenting your car!!! Love that mate!!! 

 

Really happy you seemed to have another good day!! Well done with sticking with your job!! Bravo for that mate! Also congrats on the timing as well man!! I need to learn from you!! 

 

My day was fine, so pleased with that. Woke up and then went to see the sheep as usual. Then just a normal day onwards. Feeling a bit overwhelmed mentally. Haven't posted for over a month on my poetry page and so I need to post something and that process is stressing me a little. But once it is out of the way it will be a relief. Also my poetry is being featured in an Instagram live tomorrow night at 8pm! So another thing that is exciting but also a bit stressful! At least it is a time I can watch it! 

 

Ok so much love man! And again massive congrats on how well you are doing brother!! Please know you are doing amazingly!!

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my love!! 

 

I have headache but sending my love and hugs to you!! 

 

Great the doctor went well!! Fantastic!! 

 

I continue to pray for the bubble and for HOPE!! 

 

I love you my Princess! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Hello you three,

Brain dry this morning. Beautiful lamb video, thanks Scrat! Scrat is a nick name for IUN, BY THE way. Lovage by the ton

London my sweet, you are in my thoughts, much love to you my soul mate.

Seroquel is making me sleepy, it will pass. I don't regret to have taken it. Love!

[invalidusername]

Hey guys....

 

Really busy and stressful day, so I will apologise in advance as this will be short. I need some time to recuperate.

 

Very happy you have your Seruquel Gailage - and so quickly! Do you get it delivered to you? We have a system in the UK that you can order from the doctor on your phone, and it is then delivered the next in the mail

 

I was up and about straight away today - parents run, look in on my friends flat who has just gone into hospital with gall stone (!), therapy, visit to client for an hour, set up neighbours printer, skype client for another hour and then another 2 hours work for a research colleague. I'm so shattered.

 

Instagram live!? I didn't even know that existed! I know that YouTube do it. But don't feel the pressure of having to do something just because of this. Your page will always be there. I had that with my facebook page for my book, but I haven't posted for a month. Doesn't worry me. People will still be there when I go back. So how does the live thing work??

 

Ashamed that my time management was not well executed today - so don't take a leaf from my book right now! But tomorrow WILL be much less. I will make sure of that. I still have my sign on the wardrobe that I see every day telling me to take time out.

 

Also got a nice little passage to share with you both;

 

Realise that rough times won’t last forever. As surely as God created spring to follow winter, ‘He changes times and seasons…He gives wisdom.’ The season of adversity you’re in will end. And when it does, you’ll glean from it the wisdom to build a better future. Sometimes your greatest blessings come from your most negative circumstances.

 

Paul writes, ‘Our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!’ (2 Corinthians 4:17 NLT). Tough times don’t last, but tough people do! Out of your greatest tests come your greatest testimonies. Don’t make major decisions during a storm. Thoughts and feelings often run wild in the midst of a crisis; those are times when you need to be careful about making decisions. Remain calm, discipline yourself to focus on what you can do, and trust God to do what you can’t. Just as a pilot error can cause a plane to be diverted from its intended destination, or have to make a dangerous emergency landing, a bad decision can divert or delay you from reaching your destiny.

 

Let your emotions subside – before you decide. You may not always have that option, but as much as possible, put significant decisions on hold until your storm passes. Just as the wind blows about wildly during a storm, your thoughts can become wild and frantic, and that’s not the best time to make crucial assessments. What should you do? Paul answers, ‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and…His peace will guard your hearts and minds’ (Philippians 4:6-7 NLT).

 

Much love!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Beautiful passage brother! I will have to be very short tonight as my head is feeling weird. Busy day and now just feeling mentally exhausted. Plus timings all over the shop!! 

 

Instagram is like youtube live basically. Someone was reading one of my poems on a live session, so I really wanted to watch. But I got the timezones wrong!!! I thought it was at 8pm but it was at 9pm!! So I waited for an hour and posted a poem in that time. I was going to wait but since I free time on my hands I put it up! Then it got 9 30 and it still hadn't started so was about to go to bed when I say it was starting. Was definitely worth watching and I'm really happy I did. It was an hour though, so didn't get to bed till 10 45!!! Never never been that late! So everything is out of sync! That is the problem with having drugs that make you fall asleep!!!! 

 

Other than that I had a nice time in the field! I stood basically completely still for about an hour as a lamb came close to me for the 1st time in ages. Then it lay to rest near me. I have found if you are really still for a long time they feel more safe and come closer. So it was a sort of sheep and lamb meditation. I loved just being completely still and watching them for such a long time. Really felt like an old shepherd. I almost felt I was becoming one of them. Plus I love that video and now want a pet lamb SO SO badly!!!!!! Obsessed with that!! 

 

I see you had a crazy day man! So get some rest in!! Hopefully tomorrow is slightly calmer brother!! 

 

I need to unwind a bit now! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail!! 

 

Great that the Seroquel has come!!

 

As always praying for HOPE and the bubbles!! 

 

You are always in my thoughts my brave soul mate!! 

 

I love you!!

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Coucou London, I loved your story about the lamb, wish that I could see it with my own eyes.
No comments for instagrAm, that is like Chinese for me. Love to my sweet prince!

Hi Scrat, I loved your Bible quote and read it four times. You seem in good spirit my friend! Are you still in confinement? If so, it doesn't show. Much lovage!

As for myself, I'm crying much less and depression and anxiety are getting to be on the normal side. Still a long way to go, but it's started. What a trauma these last months have been. And how I relate to you London!
Much lovage!

[invalidusername]

Hey Gailage...

 

Sort of in confinement and sort of not. We have been told we can go back to work, but I am not sure it is such a good idea. Our government just wants to blame the public. It worries me that workers in our town will go back to their jobs in London and catch the virus and bring it back. So I am giving it 2 weeks to see what happens.

 

My friend has had the virus and he hasn't even been able to text me through the worst of it. I don't want this virus!!

 

Hope you had a good day my lovely.

 

Lovage!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Little bit behind and very ashamed to say that today wasn't quite the day off I had planned. I was exhausted before I even got out of bed and would have done anything to have stayed there. The highlight of the day was having to do the shopping as Mrs Scrat was very low all day. I managed to drag myself off to Tesco.. ears ringing, legs not feeling under me. Got to the checkout, rang it all through and then realised I have forgotten my wallet. 20 minutes til closing as well.

 

Belted it back to the flat, grabbed the wallet and made it by 2 minutes before closing. Nightmare man... nightmare.

 

Anyway. Love the lamb update! As always, I had a lovely mental image of you meditating with the lambs nearby. And in the midst of all the madness of today, I was reminded of you which was helpful. It helped me to slow things down. My eye was drawn to a car the was parked up with the number plate ending "CHN". So I thought, Chin Chin!! Hope you don't mind me bringing her up - ope it is nice that I still think of all the stories! 

 

Still not sure about how the live stuff works on Inst. So it is a live video? And this person was doing a live reading of a number of poems? Can people comment in real time like on YouTube? Was there anything said about your work? 

 

Really glad you saw it through in waiting, despite the cost of a delayed siesta. Were you able to make up the time today and get back into a routine?

 

I tried to calm a bit last night, but when I was reading, my brain was still thinking on everything that was going on during the day. I ended up having to re-read lines over and over again. I think I will try meditating before this evening. 

 

Just filled in my chart for today, and bit of a milestone - it has been 200 days since my recovery point. I can't believe it has been that long. It has gone so quickly! But it does well for my confidence. Just wish the parks and such were open so I could get back to doing the things that I loved. I am sure there will still be anxiety there, but I want to get past that point, and eventually consider overnight stays and so forth. But none of this is possible with Mrs Scrat in her present state, so need to be patient and work to get her better. Bit worried that she took 20mg of valium today. I need to keep an eye on that...

 

Right. Meditation time here. Look forward to hearing from you.

 

Love you brother!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man. As you will see all over the shop on timings. Had a load of whatsApps from my friends to get through and then some messages on insta. Just completely lost track of time and now some bad depression sinking in. 

 

My day was ok, pretty good but this evening feeling a bit overrun. Will fill you in tomorrow. 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail! 

 

So happy to hear things are starting to pick up!! You deserve this so much!! Bravo for your bravery and courage through this crazy time!! 

 

I will be praying for HOPE and the bubbles. 

 

You inspire me so much my love!! 

 

God Bless!! 

 

Love you my sweet Princess!!

[gail]

Scrat, I wish you a good day, lovage.

[invalidusername]

Hey guys...

 

Looks like it has been a tidal wave has hit us all over the last 24 hours. I am really done in this evening. Even though I did take a bit of time out today, anything I did do seemed too much because of all I have done this week. Plus... my dreams got a hell of a lot worse last night and I woke up feeling a little traumatised. This always happens when I over do it, and my stress doesn't have an outlet. 

 

Strange that my dreams have started doing this - they never used to. But I guess it is better to have a warning system that makes me do something before it gets too much.

 

Now at that place where I want to do something like art or music, but am too shattered. This is where the balance is not so good. I got drawn in again by maintaining some financial stability, and whilst that is now fine, and I can take time out, I am too done in to be able to do anything! It is a viscous circle for sure. You'd think that after 20 years I would have got the hang of being self-employed, but I suppose after my last episode, I am bound to have to find my feet again.

 

Well I will let you guys catch me up and won't write too much - will look forward to hearing from you both.

 

Love you!!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! Oh it is good to be here - back with my 2nd family!! 

 

What a 24 hours. Obviously you will see from my message last night I completely lost track of my timings. Insta requires such discipline and you get chatting to someone and the next thing you know it is 2 hours later!! Normally I am pretty good with the discipline but I am human and yesterday I messed up. Plus I am now in WhatsApp group with my friends who I video call and they had sent over a few songs last night. I wanted to listen but you know how tiring that is for me. 

 

After I posted to you last night the depression steadily got worse and worse. I recklessly agreed to join a writers on insta and then immediately was like 'what are you doing???'. I get asked sometimes and I always say no because i have just too much to take in at the moment. But sometimes it is nice to feel wanted and you give in. So that really stressed me out and then the convo on insta which i will PM you about. So the depression was getting nasty and I was feeling completely overwhelmed. I got to bed and then the anxiety just went up a notch. I had big pains in my chest, from the tension. My body felt so uncomfortable, with my nervous system all over the shop. I was honestly like torture lying in bed, not being able to sleep, with body feeling on fire with anxiety. It was like an out of body experience. I was I having a really really bad trip. I barely knew where I was or what on earth was happening. Truly horrific experience. I then woke up very very anxious. Again my body gripped with tension and a feeling of not knowing what the hell was going on. My chest was tight and my stomach churning. My heart racing. My thoughts were racing like crazy. I couldn't take in my surroundings barely because my thoughts were too fast. I was taking blow after blow. 

 

I managed to get changed and then chatted first to my mum about the situation of what I had got myself into and then went outside and had a good chat with my dad. It was really important they knew what was going on. I then went to the field and saw the sheep, but I could barely take them in. My head just wasn't right. I was just in a bubble. So overwhelmed. I was in agony. Then my brother was chilling at the top of the field and I went through the situation with him. We had a good chat. Then I said my prayers at the top on my meditation spot and came in. Continued my routine and then came down for lunch. I checked my phone and I had 59 new messages from new group. Can you imagine?? Plus a few more WhatsApp messages. My head started spinning again. I couldn't cope. I might have been in the room physically but I wasn't mentally. My brother and sister were there chatting and I could hardly hold a conversation. It was terrifying. My head was just completely spinning and I just couldn't think. I then went to my siesta and was feeling so anxious and depressed and scared. I then woke from the siesta completely gripped with anxiety. Intense anxiety. I struggled to breathe. 

 

I knew I had to get out of the group straight away. So I messaged the guy who started it and was nervous. But he was incredibly lovely and understanding, which was a massive relief!! Messaged the group as well and then left it. That lifted a huge burden off me. Since then I have been feeling much better. 

 

I have been feeling pretty decent since my massive depression night last Tuesday, so over a week. That is encouraging and what I have been feeling in the last 24 hours is very very similar to what I felt last Tuesday. Just this insanely intense rush of depression and anxiety together. Thankfully I have got through the storm, but when these storms hit, it is so so tough. 

 

Really sorry to hear about your dream and the aftereffects brother. But please be kind to yourself. You are doing an absolutely smashing job right now. The way you have handled this ultimate exposure has been sensational. I have been watching on with awe. It has been truly inspirational to see! I am massively proud of you. We are humans brother, I have had to remind myself this many times today after all my mess ups! 

 

That Tesco episode crickey!! I felt so stressed just reading that!! Well done for coming through that!! Oh man that is wonderful about CHN number plate!!! That is so beautiful!! Thank you so much for sharing. Funnily enough I saw a cat in the garden both the last 2 early mornings, in exactly the same spot. I can ran off on the 1st day. I think it was the cat that used to steal Chin Chin's food!!! An orange cat. 

 

For the insta live it is basically like a youtube live I think, where you can comment and they can see the comment. In is completely live. Yeah one of my poems was read, which was a bit of crazy moment to be honest. It felt like a bit of a milestone and I got goosebumps and then the rest of night it took me time to dial things down. Felt the adrenaline rushing. I had to go in the garden at about 4 30 to just clear my head for about 10 minutes. It was obviously a lovely moment but also very intense to take in. If you think about where I was a year ago, it is a massive jump for me. It got me pretty emotional as you can imagine. I did manage to get to bed at my normal time that night but I think it would taken so much emotional energy and that played a part in my meltdown last night and today. 

 

Ah man a massive congrats on the recovery point!!!! BRAVO!!! You should absolutely be so proud of yourself!!! I am massively proud!!

 

Ok man I will drop you a quick PM and then get some reading in!! I'm in state post trauma of being 'wow what the hell just happened'. Feel a bit like I have just come out of a car crash. This withdrawal has been one hell of a ride. Honestly all day I was thinking of you and Gail and just desperate to get on here. 

 

I will be praying for you!! 

 

Love you brother and God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my Princess!! 

 

Hope all is going well! Just wanted to say I am praying for you and sending all my love in my heart! 

 

Praying for HOPE and for the bubbles. 

 

You are a superstar!! 

 

I am here always!!! We are together!! 

 

Love you and God Bless!! 

 

JOY is coming!!

[gail]

My sweet London, what a good move you made by getting off that insta...you felt peace afterwards.this is not meant to be for you To the moment. But real proud of you that you made that move. It could have been good for you but your fragility and vulnerability, it's a no no.

So back to normal living for you my love. You will recover, just tAkes time. I keep saying that to. Myself with the morning anxiety And depression, it's apparently a commun thing !

Had two good days out of 4. I don't count the mornings. I pray that the med works for me. I forgot what it's like to wake up feeling normal.i do write every morning, whatever comes up goes on paper. I so need your prayers both of you. Love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Keep going sweet Gailage. My prayers always continue. And it is lovely to hear from you - feel spoiled to hear from you every day!

 

I have no idea what normal is! But I know I need some rest as my stress has led to some horrible freaky dreams - this is my warning as you will have read.

 

Much lovage!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother and welcome back to your second family!!

 

Right, before we go any further, I need to do my bit in telling you to listen to that inner voice man... For once it is right. You really need to be very careful with all that is going on. It is just like me with my work at the moment. It is very difficult to say no, especially when there is money involved. This is why all social media for me is strictly business. The only interaction I get is here - and it can be controlled a lot easier. There is nothing pushing you to do more than you feel you are comfortable with.

 

Best way to do it is to limit yourself to the amount of time that you dedicate to it, whether it is posting, talking or writing. I always having this time of day, around 10-30 thru to midnight when I can stop and get on the forum and catch up, especially if I have not had time during the day. But there is no facebook or instgram at all until I feel very calm, and even then it is every few days at most. 

 

All this tension and pains will all be a direct result of it - coupled with the crap the meds have got you going through at the moment. It sounds like your brain had an overload, and if it is anything that I have felt during those times, yes, it is a horrific experience. You really need to be vigilant man. I know that feeling when you got those messages. I decided once, mid-point during my episode, to do a limited edition hardback of my book. I posted it on facebook and I just got flooded with messages, and then dealing with deposits, chasing up money, dealing with the printers, and then having to take around 100 books to the post office. I had a week of it! I just was in so much fear and knew I had got myself into it and thus had to get myself out, but I couldn't. Just like you, there were times when I couldn't breathe properly.

 

As soon as they strike. Stop. STOP. Remember this is a school classroom we are in. None of this is permanent. It is our education. We will be in the Summerland and this will make sense. It is NOT a big deal. What is the worst that will happen if you don't reply to some messages? Not a lot. Will those people really be THAT worried? THAT broken about it? Hell no. I have got back to some people in the past and never heard from them. I forgot it the next day. You can do the same thing. 

 

But great that you got out the group. And great that you did it there and then so there will be no issues following. Just shows what fame can do for you. Just like I will never be offering a limited edition book again!

 

I still had a bit of a busy day today, but better than earlier in the week. Lots of repairs, but interspersed them with time sitting, drinking tea or listening to music. I still feel very edgy though. As I write, my feet and legs are tense... and now my jaw as I think about it. Feel I should always be rushing. Another nasty dream last night so I must keep up the time management and chill out time.

 

It is lovely what you said about wanting to get back here and think of us two! Makes me feel really nice! As does that moment you speak of at 4.30am. It is getting to that point in the year when we get the sunrises around this time. The air is so clean and pure. I just sit hanging out the window when it is all silent, but light. It is an amazing time to be awake!! This is what I love about being nocturnal. You can pretend that you are alone in the world. I sometimes go out for walks in June at this time purely because it is so peaceful, but light.

 

Right, will get round to your PM in a mo. Just going to have a breather... Back in a bit!

 

Much love and prayers

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother. Unfortunately things got worse last night. I felt relaxed in terms of worries. I wasn't worrying about anything. But I had this horrific attack of depression. Like last week. I was in huge pain. It was agony. It is a blur to be honest. I went to bed and didn't sleep well. Anxiety was in the background. This tension in my chest. I woke and was just gripped with anxiety. Rapid heart rate and chest tension. Then after I got up things started to settle but I was really pretty traumatised. Then I went to the field for about an hour and 20 and tried to just calm myself and be present. I felt ok. But once I got in from outside, this storm of anxiety hit me. Complete nervous system overload. I wanted to carry on my day even though I felt like just melting into the ground. 

 

So I went to have my sauna. Pure torture. I was thinking to myself this feels like surgery without anaesthetic. Physically my body was just going crazy. I don't even know what was happening. Just incredible chest tension. I felt like I was close to passing out if I am honest. It was one of those moments where time sort of stands still and you have to dig deep into your soul, to a place you rarely rarely have to go. I finished my sauna somehow and told my mum how desperate the situation was. Then my family watched and film and I went to have my shower. I started crying in the shower. Not floods of tears but just a little. The enormity of what I was facing hit me. The anxiety reduced a little as I came down for my lunch, but I was emotional overwhelmed and I cried again. I then went up for my siesta. I woke from my siesta to terrible anxiety. Things then settled a little but I am so scared to honest. 

 

I made my supper and managed to get that down and then went on insta for a distraction. I have managed to keep my calm exterior apart from a few tears, no stressing out. But inside I am in turmoil. It is the withdrawal I am sure. As I mentioned yesterday I had a good week since my meltdown last week, so this is very very hard to take. I really thought I was out of the worst of it. 

 

I just have no idea where to turn or what to do. I have put everything into this withdrawal, but it just won't leave me. If I speak to my P doc he will just want to prescribe more drugs which I will then have to come off and I will then go through this all again. Plus I take benzos anyway and they do nothing, so it's I would something very hard to have any impact. I only got onto this drug due to my last withdrawal!! 

 

The funny thing is today I wasn't depressed. My mood was ok and apart from the withdrawal I wasn't worrying about anything. I was talking throughout the day to God. But it the physical impact that is so brutal. The stress my body is having to endure. 

 

The thing that is so tough is I am reliving what happened exactly 2 years ago. All that intense trauma is coming to the surface. It's been almost 5 weeks I think on 0. I tried so hard to make it work. I went slow and listened to my body and up till 0 is was going really well. But what can I do when I hit 0 and then everything goes crazy! Everyday I am positive, I keep calm, I pray, I meditate. 

 

I am so so sorry for this brother. But it is so nice to be able to talk to you. I was desperate all day to come on here. Just desperate. Again apologises but I wouldn't want to hide this from you. 

 

Sounds like you had a decent day brother but I am sorry about you being edgy tonight. I hope that calmed a bit. The least you need is to read all this stuff from me, so again massive apologises. 

 

I hope you got a nice rest in tonight and you have a really restful day tomorrow. I have my therapist on Monday and I will email her tomorrow night to update her. 

 

The lambs are growing fast man!! I am still not fully over that video you sent!! I want one so bad LOL!!! I could really do with a pet right now!! 

 

You are doing so great and take things easy tomorrow brother!

 

Sorry again and I love you brother!! God Bless!

[LDN]

My dear Gail! My sweet fellow child of God! 

 

I am happy you had 2 good days but hope they become more often!! 

 

I am praying for you will all my heart my superstar! Praying for HOPE and for the bubbles. 

 

You are so so brave! I admire you so much! 

 

BRAVO for your wonderful courage my love!! 

 

I think of you a lot! We are in this together! Together we will make it!! 

 

All my love to you my Princess!! God Bless my special friend!