2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey man so so sorry for what you are going through. Sounds a bit like what I went through in December with almost constant sympathetic nervous overload completely out of the blue. I wasn't in withdrawal or had started a new med. It was a crazy time. I know your symptoms are slightly different but it seems a similar case of something hitting out of the blue that is horrific. I really feel for you so so much. And I can relate to the fear so so well. 

 

The main thing is you will get through this. The fact you felt better after your siesta is very encouraging! And even more so that you managed to get some work done!! A massive congrats from me man!! 

 

The chemistry in the brain is something we just don't know nearly enough about and so it is hard to really have any idea what is going on in moments like this. Obviously I know this is really tough for you as you like to have a reason. As you know I am the opposite, I can cope quite well with the not having a clue and feeling it is out of my control but when it is withdrawal for example and there is a clear case of what is going on, I find that much harder. I think for me what I remember is that like everything our mind is made up of particles and quantum physics shows that that at a subatomic level things are much more chaotic than Newtonian physics. I know this seems an abstract point but what I'm trying to say is - everything in this world is more chaotic and in flux they we as humans think. So this affects every aspect of life. So for people like you and me, with fragile mental health, sometimes weird things happen. They don't normally last long, but these weird things happen from time to time. The key is just somehow accept this is life. As I always say - what you can control put your focus into and what you can't control just let go. I know this is really really hard, but I am evidence that practice can make it easier. 

 

This will pass man and you will come through this!! This is ultimately all part of your plan! Remember that! I know it is crazy but you agreed and in fact planned this!!! There is a purpose in everything. Just most of the time we can't see it. For example, this has been a very tough week for me since my breakdown on Monday night. But one thing the breakdown let too is me reading more in 4 days than I have in at least 5 weeks or so!! I read another 2 hours last night! So having things horribly shaken up has got me back to reading again which I was so desperate to do and worried how would I. So remember brother this is all part of a bigger picture, a much bigger picture. And this is JUST A HUMAN EXPERIENCE and we are SPIRITUAL BEINGS!!! Remember HUGE JOY IS WAITING FOR US - like those little flashbacks of heaven show us!! 

 

I will be praying with all my heart!! 

 

My day was ok. I woke and felt a bit weird. I slept 8 hours but didn't feel refreshed but equally didn't feel tired. I felt very weak physically again and just getting to the top of the field knackered me. I then had a nasty burst of anxiety just before I feel asleep for my siesta, it came from nowhere. I was feeling fine and suddenly I realised I was very anxious. I feel ok since I got up but pretty tired and wired feeling. Everything is just really weird. My equilibrium is not right. I was already awake before I got up this afternoon and feeling restless in bed, but then when I got up I didn't feel refreshed and felt weak. I am just taking it very much one day at a time. Just trying to be as present in the moment as possible. Just be in the now. This is helping a lot. Practice really does make a huge difference because the change in how I think since my last withdrawal is very noticeable. So that shows that working on these things has really been worth it for me, and changing your reaction to these things is very much possible. 

 

As I have said many times your bravery is incredible!! IUN the lion!!! Seriously man it is inspirational to see! I admire and look up to you so much brother! SO MUCH! How you have handled this horrific time is just insane! I keep on thinking about it! Just how brilliant you have done in this ULTIMATE EXPOSURE!!! Very very proud brother!! 

 

And remember I am here - always!!!

 

So much love brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

COUCOU Gail!!

 

Oh I am delighted to hear that one of your bubbles has gone! Fantastic news!! That is very encouraging!! 

 

My love you are doing so well!! What incredible bravery! You are so courageous and have a great spirit!! So proud of you my love!!! So so proud!!! 

 

Remember my love - YOU ARE SOMETHING SPECIAL!!! 

 

So sorry for your depression! It is so so tough! But JOY IS WAITING as I told IUN!!! We will see a reason for this suffering!!! ALL WILL BE WELL!!! 

 

We will FLY and DANCE and CRY WITH JOY - LOVE AND PEACE AND JOY!!!! 

 

Those little pockets of ecstasy - they show us what is coming for us, what is waiting for us!!! 

 

And remember we are together and I am always here for you! TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE IT!!

 

I will be praying with all my heart!!! 

 

Love you so much Princess! 

 

God Bless!

[fishinghat]

I hate to see what the two of you are going through. A bad situation aggravated by all that is going on in life as well..

 

Prayers and best wishes.

[gail]

London, beautiful post once more, thank you! Love

Scrat, I relate to your fear, many times a day I cry because I'm scared of this depression. A few good moments in the day followed by fear. I've never cried like this in my whole life. Anguish, anxiety, unreal feelings. So Scrat, let's hold hands till it passes because it will, it's just tougher now. Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey guys...

 

Thank you so much for your words. I have only just got around to reading. Again, I need to get something out of the way, and it won't be easy...

 

Shortly after I wrote last night, I ate, and after about 20 minutes I had this immense pain in my lower abdomen. Like someone was stabbing me repeatedly over and over. I then had cold sweats and knew it was time to get to the bathroom. I was violently sick. I then cam back but the pains were still there. I was drinking water, but as soon as I had so much, that was coming up too. The pains were so much that I was in the fetal position almost in tears. I had no idea what was going on. Mrs Scrat called the NHS for advice and we were waiting for a doctor to call back, but then an ambulance turned up! They took my vitals which were fine and checked all around my stomach for lumps etc which again was fine. They said it could be very bad case of food poisoning, but whenever I have had that there hasn't been this pain, and it is just the one bout of sickness. They said if in continued into tomorrow that I needed to call back. Around 8am I managed to fall asleep and thankfully it hasn't returned.

 

I was on water and dry toast all day and still have cramping in my stomach, but that is to be expected after last night. Knowing that it had been 3 days since I have been out, I mustered all my power to get a walk around the block. Only 10 minutes, but I did it. Gave me some very strange derealisation. Not quite sure what will happen tomorrow, but I sincerely hope this illness passes and I can get outside a bit more, this is not doing me any good at all.

 

Gailage, I am so saddened to hear of your crying. I can say I have been feeling the same. I am tired of this body I have to drag around this life and just want it to be changed for our better ones in the Summerland. I am holding hands with you through this. The time will come that it will pass and we just need each other more than ever. 

 

My dear brother, more and more reading! Well done! Great to see the silver lining to the breakdown at the start of the week. It is wonderful that you can keep this up as much as you have. I had just settled in with Helen Greaves last night before the sickness. I was really looking forward to it, so I will try again this evening. 

 

We need to do all we can with this human experience as you say, and do what we can to see it as that - an experience. We learn, we make mistakes, we move on. It is why we are here. It will be a wonderful thing indeed to watch our life back over when we depart the earth. I am really looking forward to that part. To see what I have been through in my life and what has happened along the way. How much I have lived and learned. All the people and the places. To be able to feel what they feel. I wish I could see this more as I have in the past. I remember once when I got very deeply into meditation that I saw the "machine" that plays back our lives in the full holographic glory. 

 

Right - so time to get to my reading and try to let the last 24 hours pass me by. Again, I feel very scared by this all having gone from bad to worse, but I sincerely hope that what occurred was the end to it and I will now improve. Great to have you guys in spirit around me knowing how much you understand and care. 

 

My love to you both

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh brother so sorry to hear about that. You are being so brave right now! So sorry you had to go through that! I know this won't last and you will come through this! And a massive well done for get out!! That a staggering achievement given the circumstances! 

 

My head isn't great right now so this will be short but I am praying for you as always!! I am with you in spirit! 

 

You are being dealt so many challenges and I am so in awe of how you a reacting! 

 

I could barely believe what I was reading to be honest, so horrific. But I know you will come through this!! 

 

I am here always!! 

 

Rest as much as you need and no pressure to reply!! 

 

So much joy is waiting for us brother! So much joy! We have to always remember that big picture! 

 

My day was ok. Had a decent meditation in the field, with a few short profound and special moments. In the light rain and fog. Stunning. But this evening very very sensitive senses and headache and feeling completely exhausted but also wired. A weird mix. Just so much flux. My state is changing constantly. To a extreme extent, and it has been this way for a while. 

 

No sheep at the moment, they went off to the barbers yesterday or the day before!!! They get special treatment, no barbers for us!!! 

 

Remember brother we are in this together!!! Always!!! 

 

Love you my amazingly brave brother!!!

 

God Bless!!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail!! 

 

So so sorry for your depression my love. I can relate so much! Just pure hell! But it never lasts my love! Remember that! It never lasts!! Things always change quicker than we think! You are being so incredibly brave!! What a HERO to me!! I think of you a lot!!!

 

I am praying and we are in this together!!! Together we will make it!!! 

 

Praying for HOPE and the bubbles!!! 

 

BRAVO to my courageous Princess!!!! 

 

I love you!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother... and sister,

 

I am going to start off with the most amazing thing. I had the best dream ever last night - I dreamt I could fly!! I wasn't flapping my arms or anything, I just thought it into action and I had my arms out like an airplane. It was so awesome. I am not sure where I was, but it was on top of this green pasture overlooking some valleys. It could have been Heaven - can't be sure. But I woke feeling truly amazing and just wanted to go back to sleep!

 

Now for the not so good - but better than yesterday - bit. Within about 30 minutes of waking, I felt nauseous again, but fortunately this only lasted for about 30 minutes. I had a call from the doctor who thought it was salmonella as the only thing I ate which could have caused this was eggs on Saturday afternoon. So when I felt sick first time around 2.30am, that would have been about right. I still have stomach cramps which is annoying, but I hope will pass, and muscle pain around my neck and chest. 

 

Must like yourself brother when you have issues with past traumas, my mind is going back about 12 months when I was switching between lexapro and citalopram and having all sorts of stomach problems and pains. Not a day went by when I didn't have something wrong - and this went on for months. Granted this is only the third day, but you understand that anything that lingers more than 24 hours can be considered a threat! 

 

But I managed two skype sessons over 2 1/2 hours and then I went to see my parents and even washed my car!! I am not sure the last part was the best idea, but if you had seen the amount of bird poo. In your terms, the ratio of bird poo to car was in favour of the former! 

 

Wonderful to hear about these profound and special moments you had in the field yesterday. I am trying to paint a picture of the fog and light rain. I remember when you first mentioned about how much you like that atmosphere during one of your walks in London. It can be so atmospheric. 

 

Exhausted and wired is a nasty combination. Have had similar having been in bed for the last 3 days. Thing this is why I pushed myself to go out the my parents today. Were the sheep back from the baaa-bers? I would imagine that you missed your sheep if they were taken from you for any length of time. I would too. 

 

The flux feeling can be twofold I find. On one hand you never get any one symptom long enough for it to cause concern, but on the other hand, it becomes so draining that there is always something going on. I know this has a lot to do with the withdrawal and you are doing so well to be riding it out. I sure hope you start to get breaks between these spells soon though.

 

I managed a little over an hour reading last night before I started mt meditation, and was reading Helen Greaves again. Such a beautiful book. I am going to go back to that now and try to stop focusing on the stomach cramps if I can.

 

Much much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man my head is weird again tonight, so this won't be my most lucid or longest post! Struggling to string a thought together!! 

 

But amazing about the dream!!! WOW! A moment of divine intervention!! I once had a dream I could fly and I still remember it well! It was absolutely sensational!! I was flying over London and it was all lit up in different colours! I remember for the next few days I was absolutely buzzing from the high I got from it!! It was magic!! I am so so happy that could have a moment of joy like that!! So beautiful! And these moments give us a reminder of what is waiting for us!! It just makes me so excited!! I can't wait brother!! 

 

And a massive well done for getting the clients in - fantastic stuff!! Great effort! Plus the car and visiting your parents!! Sounds a really productive day! Happy to hear the 'poo ratio' usage LOL!!! So massive congrats on really fantastic achievement today brother!! 

 

I had therapy this morning. I woke knackered and feeling odd. The session was good but it tired me out. Like my mental state, my physical energy is very fluctuating right now. So days fine, others completely knackered. After the skype session I walked to the top of the field and normally that is fine, but today I was completely exhausted when I got up there! Rest of the day been ok. But tonight I feel so weak mentally and physically. Feel wired as well. So it is quite unsettling - this weakness and wired feeling. Kind of feel cravings as well, but not sure what for. Just like a I need a hit of something. Edgy. 

 

Sheep not back yet! Some of them had a lot of fur already gone, it was weird. Like half their body covered in fur and the other half not. Looked pretty disheveled LOL! 

 

Sounds like you found the culprit for the horrendous symptoms. I really hope it now can ease up. I totally get the trauma thing as well! Just what I am going through right now. I have had you in my thoughts and been prying and I hope tomorrow is easier! 

 

Yeah that atmosphere is amazing. Kind of like in the Lord of the Rings films when they go Lothlorien. I wasn't in a forest but sort of atmosphere. Light rain and seeing the rain clouds in distance immerse the hills. Just thinking about it getting goosebumps to be honest! 

 

Keep up the great stuff brother!! 

 

So much love! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Scrattage, beautiful dream on flying. These are great dreams, it's been a long time for me. The last one, I was showing people how to fly, so easy.
I do hope that your body gets well soon.

London, the sheep, less poo! Just like Scrat, I hope you feel well soon. You both are in my prayers many times a day.

I've been feeling better in the last two days. After more than 30 days of shit, I so appreciate that I feel better. Still have my big bubble which I twist and turn many times a day. During the night, I drool a lot, what a foul smell!

I love you both so much, thanks for being in my life!

[invalidusername]

Hey guys...

 

Fantastic news that you have had a better couple of days Gailage! Brilliant! Answers to prayer... they do come. And one thing I needed to remember to write to both of you is from the Helen Greaves book when she was told of the Doctor that passed over who had been beating himself up over all the mistakes he thought he was making, and that nothing was right on earth;

 

"It's wonderful" he burst out "I've learned so much. Why, oh why could I have not known of this when I lived on the earth? What a marvellous purpose and plan there is to life! And how small, almost insignificant, the struggles, fallacies and failures of the last earth life appear now."

 

Reading that had so much more meaning to me than the times before. It tells us there in black and white that when we pass over to the Summerland that all that we are enduring here on earth becomes almost insignificant! Not from what we have learned, but the suffering we went through to attain the knowledge.

 

Big congrats brother for going out for your walk. As I have said before, so many other people would have just called it quits after the therapy, but not you. True courage and dedication - and it helps - as after my first client today, I had your very heavy head feeling and I was really reluctant to go for a walk before the next one. But I thought, LDN would go for a walk, so I will to. Only about 20 minutes so I had about 20 minutes to rest before the next client. But you influenced me man... and continue to do so.

 

My stomach is almost back to normal, and my chest and neck pains have gone, but I was feeling quite flat for most of the day. I often do after being ill for a number of days, so I will just let that be. But I will be honest, with the lockdown and limited things that I "must" do, keep me worried that the depression will take hold. 

 

That scene in Lothlorien is fantastic - a really good example. Ideal for me as you know!! Thanks man!

 

So how has today gone? Any hint that the flux might be flattening? Where there is no rhyme and reason, I would lose it - but as you have said, it doesn't affect you, which I think is great. Just surrender to the moment and let things be. Wonderful. Maybe one day I will be there. A lot is about keeping your eyes on the big picture as you have said many times. There is a lot to learn.

 

Anyway - back to Helen Greaves I think. 

 

Much love and lovage - and continued prayers as always

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. I am in the midst of horrific depression storm. It is getting tough now. The withdrawal is getting to me. How much can body take? It got to the point tonight just existing is an effort. Just breathing. Every day is so stressful and intense. I can't put a foot wrong or I will be overwhelmed. You can't live with that pressure. The smallest mistake or misstep and I am punished. I feel so fragile, so run down, so vulnerable. My mum wanted help with her phone and normally that would be no problem but in my current state just something as small as that really set me off. Just too much stress. Then for the first time for ages I had this thought - how much more can i take. Just I thought that worried me. And then the depression has followed, which as I say I am presently in the midst of. 

 

Earlier today was tough as well. I went to the field for my meditation and my brother and dad were there with spades and this massive scythe removing thistle. I looked good fun so I got the scythe and got really carried away. It was fun in the moment but after I felt absolutely knackered unsurprisingly. I then felt so annoyed at myself for getting distracted as I need that walking meditation so much. It is integral to my sanity right now. But I was so knackered from the scything I had no energy. There is a bench at the top of field and I went and sat down for about an hour. I tried to calm myself but I was really upset at the situation. Again it was one of those things in normal times I would brush off but with withdrawal it really got to me. 

 

Right now I feel utterly horrific. I just can't take this withdrawal crap. These drug companies I hope are enjoying their profits!! When you treat humans as mere lab rats, that is when the world is really in a bad place. This new religion of money. That is it for them. Money over any sense of morality. It is very sad, very very sad. They control the education of doctors with their funding of med schools, so the truth of what these drugs is hushed up. So much for free speech. These drug companies are like dictators. They have complete control over the med schools and governments. The corruption is astonishing. But most of all it is deeply sad. 

 

Since 2018 my life has been dominated by withdrawals and I am getting bored of it now. If a drug with 'no withdrawal effects' can do this what is the hell is going on? 

 

I apologise you have caught me at at bad time. I just can't believe such suffering is possible. Depression will never cease to amaze me in it's utter genius at pain. But I apologise for this negativity. I don't like being like this. 

 

I am very happy to read your physical symptoms improved! That is beautiful to hear! 

 

That Helen Greaves passage is wonderful - thank you!! I remember that I think! Is it from the testimony of light? 

 

The thing for me is, I am quite relaxed on a spiritual or soul level. I am not panicking and I feel quite at ease on a deep level. But my shell is another matter. It is just taking a beating after beating. Excessive pain and stress is not healthy and it is tough to have complete apathy to your shell. I am quite distant from what is going on, which I am happy with. For example my external exterior has been completely calm all day. I haven't let out any frustration. This pleases me a lot, as keeping calm is so important for me. Internally I haven't been too calm but what I can control - my exterior expression - I have kept calm, so I am doing my bit if you like. 

 

Obviously the past trauma is a problem - that is really hard. I am feeling deja vu of one of worst episodes of my life, and that is quite difficult to manage. The associations that come with being in this state. That is the really tough part for me. 

 

Anyway let's see what the plan has in store! I surrender to God and let go! Things change quickly and actually writing this has helped a lot in that it has made me realise how well I am handling this, which gives me a lot of confidence and thanks to God. I am really happy I am able to detach myself from my shell so well, but then I am not exactly delighted my shell is taking this level of a beating. 

 

I apologise again man! But it is important for you to know where I stand. 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

COUCOU GAIL! 

 

Wonderful to hear! So wonderful to hear! Thank you God!! 

 

I am praying for you my love! For your bubbles and for HOPE!! I know you are safe in God's hands! 

 

I love you my Princess! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Coucou London!

Right! How much more can we take. That she'll of yours is taking quite a beating. But your interior is safe with God.

Depression, as you once said, is horrible. The things it tells you, man, all lies. But you will get better with time. I had more than 30 days of that, and lately, slowly, the sun has begin to be brighter. My heart and prayers are always with you. You are so strong internally, so much that I'm amazed my love. We'll get there.

The second bubble is holding by a thread and I sure hope that I don't swallow it. All day long, my tongue plays with it, twists it. I guess I'll be lost without it. Lol
May your day be full of nice surprises, I love you my friend!

[invalidusername]

My dear musketeers...

 

We seem to be a bit all over the place! But Gail, it is so good to hear that you are still feeling the good effects after those 30 days. I want to tell you a story that will give you both a smile. Your talk of swallowing the bubble reminded me of it. 

 

My weekend friend's dog had a lump on the side of his ear and they thought it might be dangerous and my friend was very upset, so I went with her to the vet for the operation. The dog was brilliant, he didn't mind at all. The vet removed this disgusting lump of goo and put it in a steel dish. He said that he needs to send it off for a biopsy. We went to the back of the room to get the forms and then back to the dog.

 

The goo had gone!! But where?! The vet needed to send it off! 

 

Then we looked at the dog licking his lips. He had just eaten the lump of goo the vet removed from his ear

 

Fortunately, whatever it was never came back, so you might be ok to eat the bubble!!

 

Anyway, moving to you my dear brother. I knew you would be already aware of my text. I thought it would be too long to wait to tell you - even though you know I am praying for you, sometimes, it is nice to let you know during the day. I am so sorry to hear that this has hit you again. That point when you question the limits that you can take is so tough. You'd do anything to fast forward to tomorrow where things might even be 1% better than they are now. 

 

The fragility is too much like you say. It does overwhelm. You dare not move a muscle in case something happens. But even when you do that, you know that you thoughts could end up doing that anyway - or at least mine do. Just down to how well you know your limits.

 

I had my therapy session today and I had a lot to catch up on with her as I was too ill for one week and then she was on leave for another, so it has been 3 weeks. She told me that I was not obeying my limits, and she was right. My clutch went tits up so I started working every hour God gave to pay for it, even though we still have plenty of lockdown for me to do that. I need to be more self-aware and think things through.

 

Your talk of the drug companies tell me that things are not right as that is your go-to subject when you really have had enough. And you are right in everything you say. You sound like me talking about the covid politics! 

 

Anyway, I hope things improved, even a little. Just remember your sheep... and I found a great video for you to watch. It is a little vlog about a stray cat who had given birth on the street and needed to find help. It shows so much compassion between animals and humans....

 

 

Need to relax myself now, am behind with everything as you can see from the time. Big meeting tomorrow too. Look forward to hearing from you.

 

Much love to you both

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. Crickey what a 24 hours. Unfortunately things got worse last night. The depression just became truly sadistic. I could barely breathe. No one should have to face that. My body was getting absolutely battered. My nervous system just going crazy. Weird sensations everywhere. It was very traumatising. My body was in intense shock. Like I had just had a serious car accident. My muscles gripped with trauma. As I say breathing was difficult. My heart breaks for anybody else who has face something like that. It is really living on the edge but not in a good way. It eased a bit by about 7. I managed to get some reading done, though it was tough in that state. 

 

I didn't sleep well. I was sleeping very lightly and I could feel intense anxiety in the background. It was very uncomfortable. My chest was so tense. I would wake briefly feel the intense anxiety and go back to sleep for a bit and repeat. I was happy to get up and out of the cycle. I woke up in a state of shell shock from the assault my body had taken the last few hours. I didn't feel good. I told my parents the situation and that was tough going over everything, but they needed to now where I was at. I then went to the field but I was pretty dissociated. My brain had shut off due to the trauma, so I was not quite with it. Then I came in and finally felt a bit of peace. My sauna and shower and lunch went ok and then I went to sleep ok for my siesta. I woke from my siesta in shock at the remembering what I had gone through. 

 

Right now I am feeling ok, but very much in state of shock and trauma. Emotional whiplash. I am very scared that my brain is capable of such horror. I was lost for words last night at what I was going through. 

 

The sheep are back as I mentioned in my text. They are all shaved and look so weird. Like aliens. The lambs look just the same. 

 

Thank you so much for your message. As I said I knew it was you when I heard it go off. This has been happening a lot now. I can just tell it is you without even looking. Weird man but nice! I appreciated your message so much.

 

What a beautiful video man!! Thank you for that!! 

 

And happy to hear you had a good therapy session!!

 

I hope tomorrow goes well man!! Sending my best!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail!! 

 

Thank you for your wonderful words!! They mean a lot to me!! 

 

I am so happy you are feeling a bit better and the sun is brighter! You inspire me and I think of you so much! You are so brave and have such spirit and I look up to you so much! You mean the world to me! 

 

You have such incredible courage my love!! I am in awe of this!! 

 

YES WE ARE TOGETHER AND WE WILL GET THERE AND WE WILL MAKE IT!!!!! 

 

I pray for your bubbles and for HOPE!!! May you feel Jesus my love!! He is holding your hand through this!! 

 

You are my dear fellow child of God and I deeply enjoy to share our love for him together!! You are such a beautiful person!! 

 

I love you my Princess!!! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Sweet London,

Just read your post and boy, this is a lot to go through. I know you don't like this, but for those crisis, Ativan( a benzos) would be of great help before you lose your sweet mind.
Please and please, it will ease your pain. Just for a short time London.

This is way too much for you to handle it alone. Please consider this, talk to FH about it in a pm. Prayers are at times not enough, you need to help yourself with a benzos.
I love you so much my love, give it some thought. Love and prayers for you, oh, And talk to your doctor about this situation. Please and please, give yourself a chance. With love, Gail xxx

[invalidusername]

My dear brother...

 

I was distraught when I read this earlier today. I just read "things got worse" and I just filled with pity. How could things have got any worse?! This is so horrible. As Gail has written, are you sure there is nothing medicinally you would like to pursue? I know we have spoken about it before, but my special K I am sure would lift you out of that. No pressure whatsoever, but just give me the nod and I will overnight you a sample. I hate to see you in this state. 

 

Natural that your body will react in this way - of course it would. And I fully understand the breathing. Whenever I would have my seizures, I really struggle to get oxygen down. 

 

Cannot believe you STILL went to the field! What a guy! Now I am in shock!!! But to hear that you had some peace as you came back just shows you what your efforts are capable of returning to you. The siesta would have reset things again I would imagine as your conscious shuts off and there is that moment you wake and get hit in the face with the wet fish of reality.

 

Please tell me things have improved during the course of today?

 

I had quite a busy day. Three people out of nowhere turn up for repairs. Was very overwhelming. I told them that I need time, but that didn't help - the work is still there to be done. I then had an hour skype session, then a shopping trip. On top of that, I heard that my friend has come down with COVID. Obviously very shocked and upset for him, but I saw him 2 weeks ago, so my anxiety went a bit off the chart. I am trying to calm myself thinking that 14 days is too long for incubation. Mostly it is 5-7 days. But I can't help worrying. Slight tickle i my throat and it gives me palpitations!!

 

Just taken a dose of my special K as I am very wired and cannot calm down. My body is still expecting me to be running around doing all this stuff. Don't feel like I can just sit and read Helen at the moment. Even typing about 2000 words a minute! Bit of meditation required methinks.

 

Again, I sincerely hope to hear of some improvement today, and PLEASE let me know if I can do anything and have a good think over the K. One dose cannot harm at all - especially after the likes of ketamine!! But no pressure. I just want to offer you anything I can. Keep close the sheep - they will help you stay grounded!

 

Love you brave brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Last night was better. Thankfully after posting I was quite calm. Just read for 2 hours and then went to bed a bit earlier, which I was happy with. Felt very relieved last night as I was having my cigarette. Then woke feeling not bad. Went to the field for around an hour and 15 and was pretty calm in that time. Then this afternoon ok. And siesta fine. So for about 24 hours now things have been ok, which is great. I actually feel slightly anxiously right now but nothing compared to want went before. I feel cravings but I not sure for what. Just like I need a hit of something. Feel tired and wired as well. 

 

My condition is just so changeable as I keep saying. From pure hell to pretty relaxed so quickly! I never know what will come next. I am very much just taking one day at a time. Just focus on the present as much as possible. 

 

Oh yeah in my book it had a really nice analogy about our soul and our shells - especially one related to you. It said our souls were like software and our shells were like hardware. You can put the software on a memory stick or whatever and move it about. So our bodies are just a carrier for our souls. It is very in line with my thinking. To use that analogy my shell feel like a proper banged up old desktop and I could do with it more being a nice new iMac LOL!!! It was nice to read that analogy outside of us just taking of it! 

 

Also below is a NDE I read about a while ago and forget to put up! I found the pdf of the book online and found the section!! The way she describes the Summerland is just beautiful!!! So hopeful! And so like how we describe it!! 

 

'She tried to answer, but couldn't. She had the feeling that she was sinking through the bed into a bottomless void. She saw the nurse hurry to the bedside and seize her hand in order to take her pulse. From the way she moved her fingers to and fro the patient thought it must be almost imperceptible. Yet she herself felt quite all right, and was slightly amused at the nurse's alarm. She was not in the least frightened. That was the last she could remember for a long time. The next thing she was aware of was that, without feeling her body and its position, she was looking down from a point in the ceiling and could see everything going on in the room below her: she saw herself lying in the bed, deadly pale, with closed eyes. Beside her stood the nurse. The doctor paced up and down the room excitedly, and it seemed to her that he had lost his head and didn't know what to do. Her relatives crowded to the door. Her mother and her husband came in and looked at her with frightened faces. She told herself it was too stupid of them to think she was going to die, for she would certainly come round again. All this time she knew that behind her was a glorious, park-like landscape shining in the brightest colors, and in particular an emerald green meadow with short grass, which sloped gently upwards beyond a wrought-iron gate leading into the park. It was spring, and little gay flowers such as she had never seen before were scattered about in the grass. The whole demesne sparkled in the sunlight, and all the colors were of an indescribable splendor. The sloping meadow was flanked on both sides by dark green trees. It gave her the impression of a clearing in the forest, never yet trodden by the foot of man. "I knew that this was the entrance to another world, and that if I turned round to gaze at the picture directly, I should feel tempted to go in at the gate, and thus step out of life." She did not actually see this landscape, as her back was turned to it, but she knew it was there. She felt there was nothing to stop her from entering in through the gate. She only knew that she would turn back to her body and would not die. That was why she found the agitation of the doctor and the distress of her relatives stupid and out of place.

The next thing that happened was that she awoke from her coma and-saw the bending over her in bed. She was told that she had been unconscious for about half an hour. The next day, some fifteen hours later, when she felt a little stronger, she made a remark to the nurse about the incompetent and "hysterical" behaviour of the doctor during her coma. The nurse energetically denied this criticism in the belief that the patient had been completely unconscious at the time and could therefore have known nothing of the scene. Only when she described in full detail what had happened during the coma was the nurse obliged to admit that the patient had perceived the events exactly as they happened in reality.

 

One might conjecture that this was simply a psychogenic twilight state in which a split-off part of consciousness still continued to function. The patient, however, had never been hysterical and had suffered a genuine heart collapse followed by syncope due to cerebral anaemia, as all the outward and evidently alarming symptoms indicated. She really was in a coma 'and ought to have had a complete psychic black-out and been altogether incapable of clear observation and sound judgment. The remarkable thing was that it was not an immediate perception of the situation through indirect or unconscious observation, but she saw the whole situation from above, as though "her eyes were in the ceiling," as she put it. 

 

Sorry that was quite long!! 

 

What a busy day for you man!! 3 people wanting repairs, a skype session and a shop!! WOW!! That is a great effort brother! So proud! I hope you manage to get some rest in though and not overdo things! I am really sorry about your friend and I will pray for him!

 

Hope tomorrow goes well brother!! 

 

Love you!

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail!! 

 

If you read above there is a lovely story of the Summerland!! I hope you like it!! I like this bit - 

 

'glorious, park-like landscape shining in the brightest colors, and in particular an emerald green meadow with short grass, which sloped gently upwards beyond a wrought-iron gate leading into the park. It was spring, and little gay flowers such as she had never seen before were scattered about in the grass. The whole demesne sparkled in the sunlight, and all the colors were of an indescribable splendor. The sloping meadow was flanked on both sides by dark green trees. It gave her the impression of a clearing in the forest, never yet trodden by the foot of man. "I knew that this was the entrance to another world'

 

This is what is waiting for us my love!! 

 

Thanks for your advice my love. I have no spoken to my doctor since lockdown so for maybe 2 months. I do speak to my therapist once a week, which helps a lot!! I don't know when I can speak to the doctor but I will see. I am talking some benzos - my clonazepam 0.5 3 times a day. Thank you so much again my love!! 

 

I hope you are ok! I am praying for you every day! For HOPE and the bubble! For you to feel Jesus!! 

 

I love to pray for you, it helps me a lot! To share my journey on this HUMAN EXPERIENCE with my wonderful sister of God!! That is a joy my love!! A true pleasure for me!! What a journey for us both my love!! Oh lala!!! 

 

Remember I love you so much my Princess!!!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I am so happy to read that things calmed down for you... after all, it sounded like it couldn't get much worse. They are listening upstairs in the Summerland brother. Natural that you should feel a bit of anxiety from everything being so changeable, and the only advice at that point you have already got with focusing on the moment. No always easy, but when things are so up in the air, that is all you have to go on...

 

Wow! I LOVE that analogy! I have heard the one about our bodies being a house and us as inhabitants are the soul, but I much prefer the hardware/software one!! So much to it... the hardware is an enabler to the software on earth, but even when the hardware stops working, the software, or data, is still there, it just need another means of it being read. That is going to have me thinking for a while!

 

LOL... yeah we can feel like an old Pentium 4 when I want to be a nice Intel i9

 

That is a nice little NDE story. In keeping with a lot of them, but I don't often hear of gates being reported. It is a bit cliche as the "gates of heaven", but I suppose for some that is what they will see when they arrive, although they don't necessarily denote the judgement factor that the gates can infer. But almost all of them report being above the body - and generally speaking if they are to return, that is where they will stay. If they are passing, then it is straight into the tunnel and away you go! What was the book out of interest?

 

Today was a good day for me. I had 10 hours sleep!!! I felt so refreshed when I woke up. The first time in I don't know how long. I actually felt as though I could take the day on as soon as I woke. Incredible as I usually need to gently wind into my day. It was another day of more repairs, but took it gently. I also went to see my parents as their village was having a VE celebration, so I went up for a bit and joined in. Couple more bits to do tomorrow, but going to ease down for the weekend.

 

Not convinced that we are going to see much in the way of "lifting" after Borris' announcement on Sunday. I am anxiously awaiting Wednesday when I can claim for loss of earnings. It is all done online and it will tell me there and then if I am eligable. I bloody hope so as I have not had my mainstream customers all this time and the money would sure help. 

 

Right - need to wind down - very late again as you can see. Really hope to hear some more good news from you later!

 

Much love...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother I have got a bad headache right now so won't be my longest post. Last night I read for another 2 hours which was great. Then went to bed a bit earlier. Then woke ok and went to the field. Spent about 1 hour 50 minutes there, so broke my record again. Then just usual routine. Then this evening been very headachy and just feeling run down. 

 

The sheep really do look like a completely different animal with their crew cuts!! Also the lambs have got much bigger. I know I have mentioned it but bloody hell are they aggressive when they go to get their mother's milk. I can barely watch. Yanking away like they are possessed!!! Plus my path is completely covered in poo!! I don't know what makes it such a special spot for them to poo!! But it means my wellies are covered in burned poo when I come in. I have to be so careful, I can't afford one loose step LOL! Also saw a falcon again today, flying side by side with a rook. Was a bit weird. 

 

The book is Synchronicity by Jung. It was written in 1952 before the definiton NDE. 

 

Wow 10 years sleep man!! Awesome!! That will have done you the world of good!! Beautiful!! And so happy your day went well!! Brilliant to read that!! And lovely you could go and see your parents for the VE day celebrations. We had some bunting up and my family were watching the coverage throughout the day! 

 

Hope you have a lovely weekend! 

 

Love you and God Bless!!

[gail]

Hello London my Prince and Scrattage my nut!lol

So yesterday, I responded to your two posts, lost them. Tried writing again but no space Available. Something went wrong with the site
.
I loved your extrait of your book London but needed a dictionary a few times. Short memory, but for today, 10 hour sleep for you Scratt and ready to the day. Just like you, I need time in the morning, two hours or so to feel grounded. So happy for you my friend.

London, sheep are back, you must have missed them, I would. Things are looking up for you my love, I am thrilled to read this, you are so much on my mind my love.so thank you God for taking care of our boy. Youppie!

My bubble still standing on two threads, I could cut them, but where they are situated, it is hard to reach. I made a lovely vegetable soup that was scrapped by to much salt. Trying to fix it by throwing away the bouillon. We'll see.

My son just called, always in good humor, how I love him.
Woke up to a little snow, it's gone now. It's very cold. About 34 Farenheit. Time to relax and maybe a pyjama day. I love you both my friends, keep up the good work!

[invalidusername]

Hey Gailage!

 

The site is being updated, so there may be a few strange things going on in the next few days. But it will be much better after it is all done!

 

It was lovely to wake feeling so good for a change. During the lockdown, I thought it would never come!

 

Woh - you got snow! In May! That is crazy. And a pyjama day sounds great. I think I will join you with that tomorrow. It has been another busy day for Scrattage and the weather looks shit tomorrow... so, a good time to recover.

 

I hope your good times are continuing - you sound in good spirits which makes me calm and thankful. My prayers will continue for your progress my sweet.

 

Much lovage.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Bit earlier than last night - getting better! But I have done a lot of work again today and alarm bells are ringing. I MUST stop tomorrow and just enjoy myself. I woke up again today and was actually looking forward to it! I was going to do a bit of work on the car, see my parents, wash my car... and I did all those things. But I also had a lot of hassle from clients which required me to fit a lot of work in between the things I wanted to do, so I have overdone it a bit.

 

So, this is where I need to recognise and acknowledge. Tomorrow, there is no work and no excuses. Weather won't be nice as I said to Gailage, so maybe I could do some art that has been waiting way too long. Anything other than work!!

 

I tell you man, you are blowing me away with all this reading. I am jealous! You are getting all this knowledge and insight! It is so good for you to do this too. Then you broke your field record! Wow....

 

Try your best to look past the headache if you can - you are really hitting some major achievements here, especially as it was only 3 days ago that you were really stuck in a pit. As you say, it is incredibly changeable - phenomenally so.

 

Saw loads of sheep today myself as I was driving out to see my parents. I think I have mentioned before that they are out in the sticks in a little village. They immediately reminded me of you and I wanted to take a picture, but the fields are on very narrow 'b' roads, and someone could come flying round a corner and see me pulled over. Not worth the risk. But the funny thing was that there were some with a short back & sides, but others which hadn't been done yet! As if the farmer got part way through and then couldn't be bothered with the rest.. LOL!

 

Oooh it was Jung. That's some heavy reading there - even more congrats. I did a quick search and I found a pdf download of a full book from the author himself - not a dodgy copy - and is a follow up to what you are reading. Thought you might like the link;

 

https://www.research...nected_Universe

 

Hope you had a good day man. Need to eat and catch you up on the reading!

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! Thanks for that link!! Right up my street!! Spirituality and Quantum Physics is my favourite area!!! 

 

I only just checked my phone now and saw the 2 friends I did a WhastApp call with asked if I am free tomorrow, so will need a slightly earlier night! I wish I checked my phone earlier so it wasn't such short notice but at the same time I am trying to keep things simple at the moment so trying to avoid the phone in the day. Feeling pretty nervous tbh, especially as I don't know the exact time, but this uncertainty is good for me. Also since I am in such a bad state right now a exposure like this is damn scary. Last time I was a lot better mentally so I was much less nervous. But I am not going to let this withdrawal stop me from my progress. As you so wisely said 'fake it till you make it'. Since everything is chemical right now, I don't want to retreat from the world when I don't need to. 

 

My day was ok ish. Read again for 2 hours last night, which was great. But then very quite unstable before bed. Just my brain felt suddenly overwhelmed and overrun from nowhere. Then woke feeling decent. But then felt very sad and depressed in the late afternoon and felt close to tears. Woke and felt a bit better. But now I am feeling very anxious. I was saying to my mum earlier I just feel so drained by this process. I just feel so fragile and vulnerable. 

 

The lambs have grown a lot! They are much less friendly now. I don't know if they were more innocent when smaller or maybe going away for a few days has made them more cautious. But they come noticeable less close to me. And also start running away sometimes which they never did before! Maybe I have just lost my touch LOL!! To think I was touching them a few weeks ago!! 

 

What a great day man!! Bravo!! Must have been really nice to see your parents again!! Great you got some work in on the car and gave it a wash! Sounds a very good idea to have a day off tomorrow! Art would be great!! I know that is very relaxing for you! 

 

Yeah I am being very productive with the reading and the exercise but I am not really enjoying life if that makes sense. Little flashes here and there of peace but generally just feel very flat and empty and run down. I know this is withdrawal. Still I am happy I am sticking to the process. I am very much living life one day at a time, which is what I need to do. I am doing a decent job of being present and just going with things and letting them be. As I have mentioned externally I am very chilled, which is a big bonus. Especially with lock down and the busy house. 

 

I really appreciate your support through this brother!! Honestly it is massive for me!! Absolutely massive!! Can't put it into words!!

 

Praying for you brother!! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!!

[LDN]

Coucou my Princess!!

 

SO HAPPY to hear of you doing well!!! Just wonderful to hear that!! That is the BEST news I could hear!! YEAH!!! Thank you God for this!!

 

It sounds like your bubbles are doing well! I will keep praying for them! 

 

Yes my love sheep are back!! I feel a nice bond with them especially because it was shepherds who where chosen to see the birth of Jesus!!! They have a special significance!! So I meditate and pray like a Shepherd while I stand in the sheep poo LOL!! Today one did a poo right in front of me - Lovely LOL!! Thanks for that Mrs Sheep!! Great manners LOL!! 

 

So happy you had a nice chat with your son!! That is great to hear!!

 

I hope you had a lovely relaxing day pyjama day!! 

 

You are doing so great my love, so a big BRAVO from me!! So proud of you!! A big pat on the back!!! I think of you so much!!

 

I will keep praying my love!!! 

 

Love you Princess!! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

To my two friends,

Scrat, I am so jealous of you! Waking up two days in a row and ready to take on the world. A good example of how things can change so swiftly. I am happy for you, as this doesn't happen on a regular basis. You did nothing to bring it on, it just happened, a gift of God!
I haven't felt that, it's been to long. You are the proof that it can happen!

Prince of London, this will happen to us also. Love your story about the sheep and Jesus. How courageous you are to say yes for a visit from your friends in the state you are in. You never cease to amaze me. This would have made me really nervous, but once in the situation, we're ok. Dirty tricks of the mind.

One day at a time is plenty for me. My wish is that the suffering we're going through helps other unknown people benefit from it in a miraculous way. Like the suffering of Jesus. They say that God works in miraculous ways. So many unanswered questions. One day....

Still snowing and cold and ugly. Nothing to help the moral. With all my love to you both!

[invalidusername]

Hey Gailage....

 

Make that three days! I can't believe it.... although the weather has been bad, I have had a good day indoors getting things done. I am so thankful for the weekend. I was sure not to do too much work either. I still didn't have quite as much time to myself as I wanted. But I am glad I can be proof that things can surely get better and then be as good as they can be sometimes. 

 

I can imagine that all the snow and cold and grey skies will not be helping you much. But the spirit can immerse itself in thought and meditation and fly far away from these places. This is good for the soul. Just like your brownies!! Yum!

 

Well, I will pray for some nicer days for you. Even the cold isn't so bad when you have some sun and clear blue sky...

 

Much lovage