2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey brother! Feel a bit knackered tonight so won't be my longest post! But I do feel a bit more myself. Take each day as it comes, but I do feel a bit better. My brother woke me doing a Zoom call with his friends!!! I had to call my mum to get him move rooms! But when I woke I felt a bit of anxiety but not too much. Then went to the field. I think 1 hour 27m minutes. Not too much sun but just keep my mind calm and taking in the fresh air. Some lamb and sheep watching as well!! Then rest of the day been fine. But as I say pretty tired right now. There was a family zoom but I needed the day off. 

 

Just trying to keep the focus on God. I feel my spirituality is very empowering in these tough moments. It liberates me feeling not too attached to this physical form. As I have said before soul nourishment is nourishment that lasts!! 

 

Wow what a great day man!! 2 clients and a massive shop!! Brilliant stuff! I feel such a good groove you have right now! This lockdown and cv stuff is just such an epic nightmare and you are just handling it so so well! You've kept positive, kept active, kept spreading love - it is beautiful to see man, it really is!! Very inspiring! You are doing so so well!! 

 

Keep it your great work but as i have said remember to not overdo do it and look after yourself!! And that self compassion!! You should be feeling very proud right now!! 

 

Again sorry for being short, but brain not really working here LOL!

 

So much love brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my brave brave Princess!!!

 

Guess what? Today when I was leaving the field today I had a feeling - maybe Gail saw the doctor the next day? And I prayed for this to be the case!! And I come on here and see you have seen the doctor!! WOW! God answered my prayers - thank you so much God!! 

 

So happy to hear this my love!! So happy she was nice and gave to time!! Fantastic! 

 

So now is time for rest and recuperate and BROWNIES!!! YEAH!!! 

 

And I must say - BRAVO!!!!! How brave you have been in these last days with all the visits to the hospital, so incredible how you coped!! I am so proud my love!! Again like yesterday I am speechless - you are so SPECIAL!! A gift to us!!! 

 

A big big pat on the back!!

 

I am praying for HOPE and courage for these 2 weeks ahead!! 

 

What a lovely story about the duck on the lake! Beautiful! So beautiful! Me sheeps and lambs and you ducks!!

 

So happy for this moment of peace! 

 

And of course I understand your fatigue my love - always!! 

 

Love you so much my Princess!! You are so LOVED by us!!!

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Coucou my Prince, and Scrat,

So good to see that you are beginning to feel like yourself, thank you Jesus. Time and patience as our dear FH says often. That goes for me also. One day at a time. I'm also real happy to lean on my spirituality.

What time do you go to your poo field? You are spending lots of time there so it surely is good for your body and brain. How I'd love to accompany you on these field trips. We're so jealous of you my love.

I had the wee feeling that my bubbles were starting to shrink when I got up. We'll see again tomorrow. Will watch another movie today as I did yesterday. 8 months without turning it on, it helps to put my mind somewhere else. And I enjoy it.

I often think of you my Prince same for you Scrat. My 2 lovers.lol love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Hey Gailage!!

 

We sure are jealous of Prince LDN... I am not worried about the poo. I would happily meditate in the middle of sheep shit

 

Really?! You felt the bubbles shrink a little!! Oooooh - exciting stuff. I will hope to hear more like this tomorrow. My prayers will be going up in a few minutes after I finish on the forum. I will do all I can. I also want to go flying tonight. I have worked for 12 hours today - so exhausted and want to visit the Summerland. I had a little visit a couple of nights ago, but I couldn't remember much when I woke.

 

I want my orbs back! Hey... maybe this lake I was flying above with the orbs was the same one you visit? I will try to get more details next time I visit. I need to do more meditation to help this.

 

Much much lovage

 

Scrattage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I'm right off kilter again as you can see from the time... I have been working on this project since 2pm, with very few breaks. But I have decided to take tomorrow completely off. Go for a long walk somewhere. So don't worry about shorter reply last night as mine will have to be similar tonight!!

 

I am glad you did the same in taking some time out. You need to give this withdrawal the space it needs. You don't need excuses or reasons to be taking this time out. 

 

Now I know I shouldn't talk too much about it, but I got really angry when it was leaked today that a third of all CV cases today were NHS workers. I think this must have been the case for the last month. Why else would the figures not be getting any better? I have to say that I am getting very worried. The government say that all essential services remain open, but that is not true. The clutch in my car needs a specialist garage - it can't be (and would never be) undertaken by a Kwik Fit or similar. So in a few miles, I will be without a car completely. And I will not be able to have it repaired until they lift the restrictions. Seriously, I do not know what I am going to do. I guess I will just have to find the nearest one that is open, which will probably be London and get the AA to recover it. This is way too much stress man... Am very angry and agitated by the whole thing.

 

Sorry to moan... but I have been doing really well containing all this and working, looking after Mrs Scrat, and this is what happens. 

 

Anyway - starting to feel my eyes closing and I need to get my prayers in, and hopefully a bit of meditation before I sleep. Hope to hear some good news from your rest today.

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! My day was another decent one but just starting to deal with a wave of anxiety right now. So again this won't be too long as struggling to think clearly. I had a guy on insta who is a photographer ask if I wanted to write a poem to accompany one of his pictures. It was a lovely offer and a good opportunity for myself, but suddenly I feel a wave of pressure! All the other poems are really good on his site and I have never before had to write something for a commission. It is always just when I feel like it. So suddenly I am feeling so nervous I don't mess up and come up with something decent. Not really the stress I needed right now, but at the same time, I want to live as normally as possible and in normal circumstances I would definitely be excited by this opportunity. I don't want to be like 'oh I am in withdrawal so I cut off'. I want to keeping 'faking it till I make it'. So my brain is not going into hermit mode. Still it is a good exposure for me and I can talk to my therapist about it on Monday. But I am just finding that balance between just keeping on before, not letting the withdrawal change me and equally taking in to some consideration I am in a worn out and fragile and vulnerable state. So it is a tough one, a fine line to balance. 

 

My day as I say was decent. Woke feeling ok. They went and spend 50 minutes in the field. Was feeling tired but I needed the fresh air and time to clear my head. I listened to music last night which was a fantastic effort considering the week I have had but meant I did wake up with a bit of a heavy head. Then the rest of the day was fine. Up until just recently with this wave of anxiety and freaking out about this poem!!! 

 

I have officially been down here over 5 weeks!!! That was the length of the whole summer trip!!! At the same time that was such a huge achievement for me as you will remember but in less than a year I have already done longer! I am really proud to be honest of how I have got through these 5 weeks. Such short notice and being in withdrawal. Plus the fact I am still so new to not being in London. Having basically lived there full time for 9 years with barely ever leaving. So I am doing some great exposures for sure! 

 

It was a lovely feeling today in the house and the area, just a nice vibe. What spring unfold is sensational to be honest. First time I have had a spring in the countryside since I was 17!!! 10 years ago!! 

 

Crickey what a day mate!! Brilliant stuff! But I back you 100% to have a day off! A long walk sounds a great idea! As I always say it is not a sprint, but slow and steady, one step at a time. Give yourself some time to take things in and clear your brain. 

 

I am so sorry man about this car stuff. I am so so sorry. But you will come through it. You have completely smashed this whole lockdown nightmare and you will come through this. You did not need another exposure at this time!! But you will come through it stronger!! Remember you are doing absolutely amazing! And remember the big picture - this is just an earth experience for our spiritual beings! 

 

Also no need to apologise at all - this what we are all about mate!! We are in this together! And we share how we really feel! That is how we can be so happy when we are doing well!!!

 

Ok man struggling to think here! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my love!! 

 

I hope you had a nice rest day!! My word you needed a good rest!!!! Let me know if there are any brownie updates!!!! YUM! 

 

Ah that is great to hear my love about you feeling the bubbles might be reducing!! That is really positive and I will keep praying!! 

 

Ah nice about the movies! Great way to relax!! 

 

So happy you can lean on your spirituality love!! Jesus is by your side!! 

 

I go to the poo field around 4 30/5 pm - a nice time sunny, but not TOO hot!! The light is nice at that time of day!! Oh I would love to have you come! That would be a dream!! I pray and think about you a lot in there!! 

 

So my again from me BRAVO!!! Keep it up!! You are doing so wonderful!!! 

 

As always lots of prayers my love!! 

 

Love you my Princess!!! From the Prince of the poo field LOL!!! 

 

God Bless!!

[gail]

Hello guys,

London, always good to see that you are getting better. The poem writing seems a good thing, but you need to respect yourself. Start it slow as you would do in school. What's the subject?
Just give it a try to see if your brain is up to it. We don't need pressure as we are so fragile and vulnerable. Then you can say yes or no. I love you my Prince!

Scrat, the car, aren't the garages opened? How much is 1,000 pound in Canadian money? Looked it up, but it messed me up. Besides the car, all seems bright on your side of the planet.
A good day planned for you today, a walk and ice cream with a brownie on top!
Nothing new to report for the bubbles, I'm kind of getting used to them.
I wish you a good day with your wife, much lovage!

[invalidusername]

My dear brother and sister....

 

I agree that the poem is a good thing - just to be asked, but you do not need to give a reason for not taking it on if you don't want to. I'm right there with you Gailage, to take it slow. It would be great to be even more anonymous.

 

Have either of you heard of Banksy? The artist? He has to be the most famous anonymous person in the UK. His artwork is recognised all over, but no-one knows who he is. He was the same, he didn't want the fame, just acknowledgement and freedom to do his art. He can walk the streets of London knowing that no-one knows who he is. I think that is a wonderful thing. 

 

The clutch is going to cost around $1745 Canadian dollars. And there are garages open if you need a tire changed or oil change, but no-one specialist. My car is an Audi, not exactly specialist, but the job is too complex for these sorts of garages that can only change oil and tires. It is frustrating. But I have been able to speak to the mechanic as I have his mobile number 

 

Will look forward to a bubble report tomorrow. We don't want you getting used to them, we want them gone!! Will keep prayers going...

 

So LDN... therapy tomorrow. Will be interesting to hear what is said about the insta stuff. Always better to have lots of opinions. But I am still with you not having to give a reason if you don't feel you are there just yet. It is like that gambling tag line. When the fun stops. Stop.

 

You should be proud of the 5 weeks. Regardless of the fact you are in the country, the situation itself will have bought anxiety. You have HAD to go there, it is not by choice. So yes, you have done incredibly well. Acknowledge it and bank it for other times when you can think back. Just imagine if you hadn't done the other trips down there? The covid would have FORCED you down there against your will and it would have been a nightmare. Just shows how far you have come in the last year. So proud of you man...

 

As for my day, it was another busy one. I woke really hoping to have some time out. Very heavy head because of 12 hours work yesterday, and my client has a meeting with the 3 other partners and is doing a demo of the work I have done tomorrow, so he was going through it himself and was ringing me every 5 minutes with questions, issues etc. So I had to be standing by the phone all day - then correct errors... call him back... and then he had a list of more problems. All beta testing stuff, but again, it is paying so well, but it worries me that I will burn out.

 

I did have a walk for an hour as it was just lovely weather. So I did take time out, but again, I have only just stopped. I really need a rest. Hopefully tomorrow I can take more time out. Just hope Mrs Scrat is up to doing a little shopping trip! If not, I will be doing that as well as my Skype clients.

 

We keep going!!

 

Much lovage and love to you both

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Yeah I know Banksy well! Probably the most famous current artist in the world i reckon and yet as you say still anonymous!! On a much smaller scale have you heard of Burial - he this is brilliant electronic producer. Completely ground breaking and utter legend in the uk electronic music scene. He is anonymous, I don't think he has ever even played a show!! This photographer is a travel photographer and just wants me to give him a poem to match one of his travel photos!

 

Luckily last night I realised I had a poem I had already written, which with some slight editing, would be exactly what this guy is wanting. So this should be fairly stress free. That is the benefit of having years worth of writing stored up!! It is a good opportunity for me as well. Since I can't work I really like having a purpose and something to focus on. I just really want to send a message to my brain 'i'm not going to change, I am going to carry on my progress'. But I do appreciate I have to not overdo things, due the vulnerable state I am in. Thanks for the advice man! 

 

My day was ok. I woke feeling ok and then went to the field. Sheep watching! 1 hour and 30 minutes out there. I tell you what mate, those sheep have some power in their jaws!!! They are like machines!! A few came very close up when I was doing my walking meditating and were eating away the grass right near me. So I got close view of them and they chomp away manically!! The stamina and endurance of their jaws - just chomping away non stop!! They make quite a noise as well while they munch. It was funny today because 3 of them came up really close and where just watching me as I walked back and forth, their heads turning from side to side!! LOL!! I felt they were watching me in a zoo!! They then got bored and moved on! Also when the lambs fancy some milk they are rapid!!! They sprint over to their mums and then are so aggressive. They shove their face straight up and yank away till they get a grip! Then as they drink their tails are waving so fast!! 

 

Other than that just pretty standard. Sorry to hear about your disturbances, I hope tomorrow is not too tiring and you can get some rest in! Hope the skype clients go well! And all the best with the car man! Again I'm so sorry! 

 

Yeah exactly if I hadn't done those trips down to the country and now suddenly was forced down, it would have been a nightmare!! 

 

Take care man and look after yourself!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail! 

 

Hope you had a nice day my love! 

 

The theme is hope and hardship - so for us a speciality!! I have found an poem I did a while ago I like! So no stress! 

 

Thank you for your words!! Everyday in field the more poo and less grass LOL!!!!! These sheeps LOL!! 

 

I am praying for you my love! 

 

Keep up the rest! 

 

I am praying for your bubbles!!

 

I love you my Princess! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Hi guys,

Taking time off the forum for a few days. I now have ulcers in my mouth, which is normal. Will speak to the nurse today. Life is too much for me to deal with at the moment. But I will be reading you, prayers please. I love you both.

[invalidusername]

Hi guys,

Taking time off the forum for a few days. I now have ulcers in my mouth, which is normal. Will speak to the nurse today. Life is too much for me to deal with at the moment. But I will be reading you, prayers please. I love you both.

 

Can totally understand you sweet Gailage...

 

Prayers of course will continue in your absence. Take the time you need and rest. We'll be here for you,

 

Much lovage

 

Your Scrattage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I thought you would know of Banksy. Most in England have, but his fame carries over international waters. I hadn't heard of Burial, so I had a listen just now. Reminds me a bit of Skrillex, but a bit tamer, if that is the right word. Less dubstep and more ambience. It is nice stuff. Will listen to some more for sure.

 

Glad you have got the poem stuff under wraps. It is a bold move for you, and I respect you for taking this on the chin, whatever way you go about it. I don't know how it works with poetry, but often fame begets fame on social media, so we need to be careful with you. It is very easy to get carried away with it and before you know it, there it is and is very difficult to reverse out of. But I am sure it can be dealt with in a way that doesn't get out of hand. As long as you are aware of it, you will be ok as you will know when it is enough. 

 

I love hearing about the sheep man! Sounds like they are getting used to you. And they should I expect... as they know you are not a threat and as we have discussed before, animals seem to know when they are in the presence of an animal nut. But yeah, all they do is eat so their jaws have got to be pretty tough. 

 

Hope you had a good therapy session and the anxiety hasn't been coming back. I woke from a nasty dream - most likely as a result of too much work and stress and not enough meditation - as we have seen that before. I dreamt that I had one day left to live... it was horrible! Again, it took some time to get out of my state when I woke up, but I had a bit of fog and headache. I did my email and phone calls and then just had a rest for two hours and I felt a little better. So after my clients, I had to go shopping as the Mrs was in a bad state, but then I just stopped again, but I feel I need to do the same tomorrow. I must have worked about 20 hours over the weekend and that is way too much. That is 4 normal days in 2 - and the weekend when I should have been resting.

 

I lost where I was going and got caught up in "must work to pay for the clutch" mindset. But that is no good if I burn out. So yes, another easy day tomorrow I feel. Hope you had a good one - look forward to hearing the updates on the sheep poo!!

 

Love you man...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I have got a massive headache here but I will do my best! Bad brain fog as well! 

 

I woke to pretty bad anxiety and then went straight into therapy on skype. Just catching up on what was a very blurry week for me. It was a good session. Then I went to the field but I felt just completely exhausted, so didn't stay out for too long. About 40 minutes. Then came in feeling quite weird. Rest of the day ok but my head is has been pretty bad for a bit now. Just a really heavy headache. In my present condition I have noticed I switch between states very quickly. Whether it is feeling weird, or anxiety, or blurry head, or even feeling really good. I constantly in flux, between these changing states. There is this mystic poet called Rumi who I like and he talks about the body being a guesthouse for sensations and feelings. You have to just let them come in and stay and then leave and then welcome in the next feeling. My therapist knew about this poem! Well right now, there are lots of different visitors coming and going!! LOL!! 

 

So not a great day but not horrific and it's just one day at a time at the moment. 

 

I agree with you about the poetry. The thing is because of my disabilities it is one of the very few things I can do on a even footing with 'normal' people. So it gives me an opportunity to realise I have something to give and share with the world and also helps me expose myself to strangers (LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know what I mean man!!!!!!!!!!). Oh man I am almost crying at laughter reading that back!!!! Proper laughing out loud here!!! But being serious it is a massive exposure for me to communicate with strangers and a get some taste of a work environment. 

 

The sheep came up really near again. I could have easily touched one if I wanted to, but I didn't because I knew it wouldn't like it. But it came right up to my meditation path!! Also I briefly chased some who were walking away from me on the way up to my path, in a light hearted way. After I thought that might have scared them off me, but it didn't as they came up close again. The other day they were baahing away and I start going 'baaa baaa' really loud and they didn't even look at me!! LOL!!! I thought they might think it was weird but they seemed fussed at all. I went 'baaaa' and then one of them would 'baaaa'. I think it was a coincidence as then they stopped responding to me and I was just baahing to myself. But there was a point where we were having a back forth conversation LOL!! Anyway walking by the field must have thought I was a complete nutter LOL!!!! I was thinking today in the field I am spending so much time with these sheep, I am soon going to morph into one!!! Also as I mentioned to Gail yesterday the grass to poo ratio is getting worse every day man LOL!!! I have never so much poo in my life!!!! The other day one of them did one pretty much right in front of me which was lovely!!! LOL!!! 

 

Sorry your day was more busy than you planned but it seems to me you are handling things great! Hopefully tomorrow you can get a some proper rest! 

 

Ok man my head is going a bit! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail! 

 

I can totally understand that my love! I think that is a good idea to just rest!!

 

I will be praying for you - for HOPE and for your bubbles! 

 

You are being so brave my love! So so brave! 

 

BRAVO! 

 

I think you are wonderful! 

 

I love you my Princes!! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I got your massive headache tonight now... but am ok. Just taken a little of the special K and it is kicking in already. It will be gone by the time I have finished your reply. But the whole day has been quite difficult - sort of a half burnout. I only had 2 clients but still feel the stress from the weekend. Head has felt really heavy all day and body feels like it has had a bad case of the flu. Textbook symptoms of overdone it. Just hope the depression doesn't come along like last time - but I think that was more lockdown related. As we are only a week from the second lockdown ending, I don't feel so bad. They can't lock us down for another 3 weeks - the country will go crazy at them.

 

Please thank B for the videos - they were lovely to watch when I woke up this morning. And whilst the "exposure yourself" line had me laughing, the "grass to poo ratio" part got me completely!!! Such a hilarious way of analysing the amount of poo!!

 

Man, I know I keep saying it, but what I would give to be in the country about now. It would force me to stop and unwind. I should calm now as I had first payment from this client so I was able to buy the parts for the car... and right at a point when eBay had 20% off - so I have saved about £80!! Very happy with that. 

 

Speaking of the poetry stuff, I have introduced Mrs Scrat to the video editing software that I learned at Uni, and she is making a music video for some people online, and it is really helping her along. Something creative and she is learning and she can lose herself in it which is great. Tonight will mark the third night in a row she has done it, so this is why it is important that we keep you stable with the whole poetry thing. It is clearly a good thing for you, but at the current level... so need to keep it that way. 

 

I wonder what you were saying to the sheep? So great that you got that close to them. They do tend to get spooked when you touch them thou, I think you need to take that slowly. I love the feel of their coats. Quite coarse but so fluffy. I remember when our family used to visit this cottage in Dorset once a year when I was growing up and there was a field full of sheep right at the bottom of the garden, and we used to do the same thing as you, try and get close enough to touch them.

 

Right. Special K is doing its job already and am typing so slowly. This is a good thing, and a good time to do a bit of meditating, so will bid you a good night and try to heal the stress a bit further.

 

Love you man - and lovage to Gailage as I know you will be reading...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man. Last night after I posted I had a nightmare and right now I am still very much in shock from it. Basically I got into this state of depression and a kind of dissociation. A kind of switch out of my practical faculties. It got later and later and I just couldn't really take it in. I had some very bad news from my friend on instagram and that hit me hard. And so I was sort of trying to distract myself. I would just look at the clock and it mean nothing to me. I was just on instagram and youtube. Next thing I know it's past 8 am!! I then started to panic 'like what the hell are doing?? You are in such a fragile and sensitive state and your doing this!!'. I went out for my cigarette and I dropped my packet of cigs and fell down this gap that leads to the basement. I was already very stressed and this broke the camels back. I felt like giving up on life there and then. Just like collapsing and melting into the ground. So I had to come back inside and go to the basement. Now I haven't been to the basement for years. To call it grimy is an understatement. It is like a drug den. The cats used to live there. I was damn scared of it, I'm not going to lie. It is like out of a horror movie. Damp, frogs, loads and loads of cobwebs. Anyway I had no choice but to go down as my cigarette packed had fallen to outside the basement window. So I went down and went to the window. Then I couldn't see the packet. Eventually I found it. But as it was raining everything was wet. I turned to leave and walked straight into a massive cobweb. I got out and went outside in the rain. I was covered in dirt and cobwebs. My mind was racing like mad. At some point between dropping my cigs and going to get them I had seen some word on something, i have no idea what. As I started my cigarette I realised I had this word stuck in head. My brain was just repeating it over and over again. I have had this before but it is horrible. You feel you are going mad. I had this random word and my brain was just repeating over and over again. 

 

Anyway I got into bed and by then it was 8 45. I was panicking about this word. Thankfully I fell asleep quickly. I woke and didn't feel depressed or too anxious but like my brain was just completely exhausted. I was quite traumatised by what happened the night before. I just felt so so annoyed at myself, but I was quite successful at acknowledging I am in withdrawal and I am actually doing very well. Yes I messed up by staying too long but in a way it was out of my hands due the state of dissociation I was in. I spent 40 minutes or so in the field just trying to calm my thoughts. Go over my teachings. Then the rest of the day i have just been taking it very very slow. 

 

Right now my brain feels acutely fragile. Light, sound etc. I feel like a china vase wobbling on a mantle piece. I just feel incredibly mentally overwhelmed. In the 5 1/2 weeks since I have been down I have done so well. So I am being compassionate to myself. But nevertheless I am mentally very fragile. At that stage where any more pressure and I would have a complete breakdown. This why I hate withdrawal so much. I places quite extraordinary pressures on you both mentally and physically and then you make one slip up and it pounces. 

 

Add in the uncertainty of the cv stuff, having to leave London at short notice etc. and there is a hell of a lot of pressure going on. 

 

I just need to be very calm and restful now. Which is difficult because my mind is often very restless due the tired and wired phenomenon. Also I have been sleeping much less. I think this is due the fact I haven't the house apart from the field and one other field in 5 1/2 weeks. Normally I go out on average twice a week for appointments which tire me out and also get me a change of scene. I can fall asleep ok but I keep waking up early, which never happened before. Also I think the withdrawal is involved as the drug I was on was pretty sedative and now that has been taken away. My 1st month down here I just slept huge amounts with basically no exceptions. My therapist has moved out session to 4. So I don't need to get up till 3:40. Before it was at 2pm, so I had to get at 1:10pm. Other than the therapist I have no appointments at all. 

 

This feeling of being on the verge of a breakdown is just very unsettling. You are just terrified of doing something wrong. My mum told me a good family friend had passed away. Not corona, she had a motor neurone disease and we knew she didn't have long. But when my mum told me i just couldn't take it in. My head is just not in a place to process these things. 

 

Anyway sorry for this long message, but I wanted to get you up to date. It was quite traumatic going over it to be honest but equally it was useful to help make sense of things. 

 

Sorry you had quite a difficult day, but sounds like you are handling things really well. Also great stuff about the ebay reduction!! Plus great to hear about your wife finding such enjoyment in her music videos!! 

 

I hope you had a nice night brother! 

 

If you could pray that would mean a lot, although I know you do anyway. 

 

All day I was looking forward to coming on here to get things off my chest, so it means the world to have you here man!!! Thank you so much!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail! 

 

Just wanted to send my love to you!!!

 

I am praying for you! Praying for HOPE and for the bubbles!! 

 

I love you very much my Princess!!!

 

God Bless!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

That was quite a message that I woke to this morning... I went to bed in a bit of a state, so this got me a bit teary if I am honest. I get quite involved with your messages in the morning and I get a lot of visuals, so I was seeing you dropping your cigarettes and then getting caught up in the webs and so forth... like some sort of horror movie, which is pretty much what it must have been like from your description. As soon as I read it, I went off to the bathroom and prayed for you. The bathroom is my favourite place for prayer! 

 

It reminded me of when I was last like that and I was making a sandwich and wanted some mayo. Mrs Scrat bought the squeezy stuff which I do not like because you can never get the last of it out the bottle. And that is where I was. I just wanted some mayo, and there I was with the lid off, going crazy with a knife poking it around trying to get the last of it out, and I just cracked. I just couldn't do it. I just stopped and cried for a bit. I really know what it feels like and that is why I knew what I had to do. 

 

I am really sorry for what you are going through at the moment. You are doing the best thing in going back over your teachings. The fragility of it all is the worst. You just don't know what to do with yourself. Like you say, one little slip, and that it is. It will jump in and get you.

 

I also felt very fragile today. I am glad to report that I do not feel physically bad, but just like the above, very fragile in terms of depression. I could feel it creeping up on me just waiting for the opportunity. I was out for over 3 hours visiting clients and I was just in a place where nothing really mattered. Excited about nothing. Enthusiastic about nothing. And very tense. Right now I have just realised I am clenching my jaw and tensing my legs. I am just not relaxing. Too much work. But then when you try to calm it down, your mind wanders because it is not doing anything at the pace it was for the last 3 days, so it cycles through anything else it can think of.

 

Really sounds like a milder version of your tired and wired. I also had restlessness for a lot of the day. That isn't a good sign. But it will pass.

 

But what with the family friend passing and the insta news, I am amazed that you managed to even get on the forum. It must have been so difficult, but if it helped to let it out, then great. It is good to keep up to date - as I said to Gail - I can direct my prayers with more specific detail. You are such a strong servant of God man... you really have strength where others fail, and this is such an inspiration to all who know this of you - me being no exception. The thought of what you have come through helped me get through today. I should be thankful that I can do what I did. 

 

Still - bright side - a week left of this second lockdown phase. We can't have a third set of three weeks surely!! Normality would help me so much at the moment. I am feeling this lockdown becoming too much of a routine. It needs to pass man!!!

 

Right - that is enough - I hope you have had a better day of it today. Will continue my prayers.

 

Much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man beautiful words! I will only briefly go over today as it wasn't good and I don't want to do 2 really depressing posts in a row. 

 

My withdrawal has just completely messed up my sense of time. I am just all over the shop. Last I was really disciplined and after posting managed to read for 2 hours 40 minutes, which was the most for a very long time. So that was great but then I had to do my stretches and then a job here and there. Next I know I am going to bed at 8 am again!! And another fiasco. My dad is trying to find out how the deers get in our garden because they eat the flower beds. So he says if you see one tell him immediately and we have go outside to see if we can see it leaving the garden. So this morning just as i was about to have my cigarette my sister was up and saw a deer. My dad was just getting up as well and he when he heard he rushed out with my sister. So it wasn't exactly relaxing for when I was trying to wind down. In my head I was thinking 'why has I left it so late AGAIN!!!!!'. Have to appreciate there are many factors that have messed up my routine as I mentioned last night, and I have to be compassionate. I can't turn on myself. I am doing very well but withdrawal is withdrawal. And withdrawal mixed with lockdown is a double whammy. 

 

I woke and felt just a bit off. Very weak physically. I have tweaked my groin with all the time in the field last few weeks. My body is not used to that level of exercise, so I am sure this is the reason for it. But then it is annoying because I really need to rest it but at the same time I want to get to the field to do my meditation and get out the house and clear my head!! So I risk aggravating it but at the same time I feel I really need the field now more than ever!! So it is a real dilemma. I am just trying to walk very slow at the moment. But today I came in from being out and it was pretty tight. 

 

I still just feel so fragile and vulnerable. But while it is clearly important for me to rest, I am also very weary of getting too insular. When I had my siesta I was thinking over a conversation I had with my therapist after I had a breakdown in November after all the hospital stuff. She basically said if you don't try things, you don't know what you are capable off. So me pushing myself with getting out the house and going down to the country and going on the tube - I wouldn't have done any of them if I hadn't taken a risk. She basically said the breakdown I was having was worth it, for the all the incredible exposures I had done in the previous 6 months leading up to it. And I agreed with her. I was happy to take that breakdown as a price worth paying for smashing my social anxiety. I couldn't leave the house at all apart from appointments 6 months earlier. And that is the thing with me. I have a history of extreme OCD and social anxiety, so with that in mind and with years of isolation in the bank, I have to be very very alert that I don't fall back into that. Because once you are in that shell of isolation is like climbing everest to get out. So right now while I feel so fragile equally I am having to be very careful I don't overdo the rest. Like last week for example I felt terrible but I just carried on with what I was doing and it was a good strategy. I also feel if you carry on, you are sending a message to your brain 'I'm not going to let this stop me'. Whereas what I have learnt is that when you withdraw, you are sending a message to your brain saying 'I can't cope with the world' and then your brain believes this!! 

 

So it a really confusing situation man. Tonight I had to sent off my poem to the photographer, it wasn't what I needed at all, but actually making myself do it gave me confidence. I wanted to swerve insta completely but going on it I was like 'oh I can still do this' and that was reassuring. 

 

Again I really appreciate your message man! Just such lovely words! Thank you so much for your prayers! 

 

It is just the accumulation of weeks of withdrawal and pressures on your body. I always knew this was going to be the toughest phase, once I got to 0, so what is happening is not a surprise to me. But still the strain on brain and body has been going on for months and right now I just feel overwhelmed. It is what I hate about withdrawal. It is a form of torture. Just lots of little provocations endlessly and then you just make one slip up and BANG it hits you. 

 

I have to just put my faith in God. I trust the plan. What is meant to be is meant to be. I need to let go and float as much as I can! I have seen last week very quick changes in my mental state between good and bad. I need to take it day by day! 

 

One positive is I am keeping very calm on the outside, which is very encouraging in the circumstances. 

 

Anyway delighted you managed to get out today! Well done man! Great to hear! Sorry for the flatness and fragility though. Still as I keep on saying you are doing brilliant! Just brilliant! Very inspiring! 

 

Thanks again so much for listening and being here man! Means the world! This is my safe space, where I can release! 

 

I am praying for you brother! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Love and prayers for you both. I love you!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Well it happened. I've joined you and Gail. Woke up to a wall of depression that just would not lift. I have been worse, but it sure wasn't a good day. It was just too much after the work and all the time having to aid Mrs Scrat being at the height of depression. As soon as I was showing signs of weakness, that is when I couldn't hold back the vibes in the flat. I'm not being nasty, but I have no support at all. Mrs Scrat just tells me she is too weak to support me, even though it is a rare occasion now, so I am all alone. Not seeing my parents doesn't help - or my weekend friend. This is getting tougher the longer it goes on.

 

I then saw a headline which said that Boris was going to keep us locked up until June. That did it. I was over the edge. I watched the political broadcast as I wanted to hear it for myself. While the headline is not exactly true as that was not said, it might as well be as he has good as said there will be no lifting next week, and just information on how we are going forward. And that we are now in phase 2... we are what?! We are no bloody different than we were 6 weeks ago - so how is phase 2 any different from phase 1?! The worst case scenario was once 20,000 deaths, and now that this has happened, the worst case is now 500,000 deaths. I mean... come on. They have royally fucked up despite locking us all up and I am sick of it. This way of life is becoming habitual and I am scared man, really downright scared. 

 

I foolishly then drank a glass of red wine after watching these idiots because I had a skype meeting with a client. About 20 minutes into the skype, I felt absolutely awful, just as my blood alcohol level peaked. Was a very stupid thing to do. But my client was saying that she couldn't already face going out to do the shopping... and she is a perfectly level headed person with no history of mental illness. What chance do we stand...

 

Sorry man. I will stop this cv talk.

 

Regardless, I read your post when I woke up and it made me feel like I was not alone. Again, I remembered that you have been fighting this for a while and here I am going in for just one day. I tried my best to let it wash over me - and that was the case until I saw the news. Anyway. Sounds like you really need to sort your routine man. This can have a big effect on our feelings. Seeing your sister and dad as you are going to bed will not help either, as it will only reinforce what is going on. I don't know how you would need to go about it, but I would suggest this has a lot to do with your anxiety. I am sure the withdrawal is for sure not aiding the routine, but like you said, you need to be telling your brain what the deal is. 

 

I should have gone out today, and I was planning a walk after my client, but then I started to feel ill and a headache came on. No doubt aided by the glass of wine. Still can't believe I did that. Such a silly mistake. I only felt better for about 15 minutes - really not worth it. But great that you got yourself out - real courage. I need to follow suit, but it was just so easy to give myself an entire day off today. I guess after the three hours yesterday, it isn't so bad.

 

Remaining calm on the outside is something we both do well, but I think it is the practice for me over the last couple of years that helps this, but being in the flat all day, I don't have to do this, so I could easily slip. This is another thing about this lockdown. I am not getting myself out as much as I should whereas if it weren't for the lockdown, I would have to be out seeing the clients and it is this that can keep me going. 7 weeks next week, and that can easily be sufficient to become habit. I said that if we had to endure more I would pop a gasket purely for this reason. Seeing that political trio stood there today saying they "share our anxiety" really got to me. Do they bollocks. They are putting the hours in and still getting their money. And what is their answer to mental health? Putting money into charities. Fair enough, but that is not addressing the issue. They said, please call someone if you are suicidal. If it were only that simple. These people need help more than a damn phone call.

 

So sorry for my rant today brother. I am in a right state. I need my freedom. Prayers will continue for us all....

 

Much love brother - and my sister Gailage

 

God Bless

[LDN]

I adore you Gail!!! 

 

I wrote a post to you on the Going Home thread!!

 

God Bless my Princess!!

[LDN]

First things first brother, do not apologise at all!!! Everything you say I relate to and recognise in myself! Let me tell you if I was in London right now, I would be in despair, so to think of what you have to face is just unbelievable. I can barely bear think of it. What a lion you have been. What a epitome of courage you have been. And together we will make this brother!!!

 

I have the countryside and the field and even with that I am finding it messing me up, with the sleep timings and stuff like that. To be honest the withdrawal has been so on my mind, that I have had a major distraction from it. Obviously I wouldn't wish you had the withdrawal because it is a nightmare but it does mean the cv stuff is less pressing for me. Saying that even being in the countryside I have found it really mess me up with my timings. Plus the general sense of anxiety. 

 

To put things in context man, my brother has never had any mental health problems his whole life!! But the other night I could tell he wasn't right, he was really agitated and edgy. I knew something was up, so I asked him. He said the whole cv stuff was getting to him. Worrying about it. Always thinking about washing his hands. He said he didn't want to become obsessive but at the same time was worrying about passing it on. So for those of us with mental health problems it is on another level of stress and pressure. 

 

Very sadly a pensioner took his life a few days ago and can only hope that brings the mental health aspect into focus. At the end of the day most other countries in the world are out of lockdown now and yet we are all over the shop. When the Sunday Times is going in on the government then you know something is very very wrong. I have to be honest the shocking handling of this does not surprise me having been in the disabled community and seeing how we are treated. And of course your experience with the mental health at the NHS. You look at Germany, a country with a similar sized economy to us and look how well they have handled it and you can see something is very wrong. So I think you are very justified in your anger at the government. More will come out that is for sure. Personally I can't watch the briefings. It is PR nothing else. I think I would smash the tv to be honest and that would not go down well with my family LOL!!!! 

 

My day was okish. I read for 2 hours for the 2nd day in a row last night, and that was fantastic. Just what I needed! Then I woke ok but very tired. I went out for about 40 minutes again but very slow walking because of my groin strain. Plus I just felt so tired. The rest of the day has been ok but I still feel fragile and vulnerable. Feel a bit edgy and overwhelmed. A real effort to organise my brain and what I need to do etc. Like have shower, take supplements, make meal - all a big effort. I could easily just lie down all day but it would only make me more depressed. It is a bit like walking the tight rope in withdrawal - just have to keep calm and focus as best I can. 

 

As I say man you are doing brilliant and remember - THIS IS THE ULTIMATE EXPOSURE!!!!!!! Everyday is a triumph brother!! You are smashing it!!! We are in this together and we will make it!! Take one day at a time! I am always here for you!! We will have good days and bad days but we are going to make it! And again you are doing brilliant! I am massively proud!! 

 

I will be praying!! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I knew you would relate to what I was saying, and interesting that your brother is finding things difficult too. So, yea, what chance to we have. It just really got to me when Boris and his sidekicks were prompted about the mental health and suicides (as you said of that upsetting pensioner), and all they could say was to ring the samaritans. It was so painful. They don't understand. They need to have set up a national phone service at the very least to help people through this. It isn't fair to expect charities to take the burden.

 

I need to start and get it out the way that today was very bad. I woke up and again was hit with the depression of being trapped in this nightmare. I slept well but felt as though I didn't sleep at all. The Mrs woke and immediately started saying how bad she felt. I was holding it in, and I didn't need that. I cancelled my two skype sessions and haven't moved all day. I have been too weak to walk - and the enthusiasm wasn't there, but if I could have, I would. It was more stress orientated and I can't stop thinking about how long we are going to be trapped like this and how difficult it is going to be to come out of. But again, I want to stop there.

 

Huge congrats for the extra reading again. I am going to follow suit after I have written this and get some good reading in for some escapism. I got about 30 minutes in last night before meditation. I hope your strain improves soon as I can see it is impacting on your walk. Natural that you feel vulnerable, but so good to hear that you have elevated to an "ok" day. Very happy for you - and wonderful that you have started to see the light after battling through those previous days. Regardless of the withdrawal, it is an courageous feat to have gone through. 

 

Amazing that you kept to your routine with shower, supplements and meals etc. I managed to keep my meal times, but I just couldn't feel any better to move beyond the kitchen or the bathroom. I just surrendered to it and let myself have the day for what it was. I did my best to tell myself that I have been here before - about 3 weeks ago - with stress-induced issues from the lockdown and I came through it. As I said, I am getting this way now because of the length of time we have been like this. 

 

Right, I need to get some reading in before it gets too late. We really need to hold this all together. My thoughts turn to the Summerland at these times. Like you said in your post to Gailage earlier, we need to keep of eyes focused on what is to come. That it will make sense and our rewards are waiting for us there. But just like we were talking about a while back... what were we thinking to have included this in our plan!! Especially you dear brother. I'll get Lymes, then depression and anxiety... and yeah, throw in a global pandemic too, why not

 

So much love to you brother - and thank you for your wonderful daily words,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! So sorry to hear about your day. But in a way it might be good for you to just have a total rest day. I know it was horrible but sometimes we need to shut down. Like you said you have been here 3 weeks ago and came through it and you will come through this!! We are in this together brother! Let what ever you are feeling out! On the forum or PM or email or text - I am here for you brother! It is really important you don't suppress this stress but let it out and I am really happy you are doing that! Right now it is simply one day at a time for both of us. Keep it really simple and listen to our bodies. If we need to rest then rest. No guilt at all. Remember this is all just a human experience and that we have such wonder and joy awaiting us!! 

 

I have had 2 little pockets of very brief ecstacy, last night doing stretches and today while i was just about to fall asleep before my siesta. Those moments give a tiny taste of what is waiting for us. The utter joy and utter beauty and utter love. I can't really describe them and they only lasted a few seconds. But it felt like a sort of flash back to heaven if that makes sense. A tiny reminder of heaven. You live for moments like that. And since my meditation they come much more common. I sort of heard some music in the back of my brain. And a sort of feeling of all will be well. A sort of feeling of festivity and celebration. Very hard to describe but a brief moment of another mode of consciousness. 

 

I managed just over 2 hours last night of reading again, so for 3 nights in a row now I have down over 2 hours!! I haven't done that for so so long. Reading helps calm me so much. Just loose yourself in it. Really gives me something to think about as well, which means my mind is less dwelling on anxieties but thinking about things of intellectual stimulation. I am reading a book about the difference between eastern and western philosophy and it just fascinating. I am completely gripped. Obviously an area I am very interested in so it's been great. I am really going to try and put in place some more reading time in schedule now, having just how much I need to it to relax and heal my brain. Also it something I can actually do!!! So is good for my confidence!! 

 

My day was again okish. I woke very tired and just making it too the field was very tough physically. By the time i got to my spot I was completely knackered. So I just stood at the top of the field for a while and watched the sheep and just contemplated. Weird how physically I feel so weak, but throughout my withdrawal I have had huge fluctuations in terms of physical energy. So it isn't new. 

 

Then my sister was playing some music outside and my mum and my brother and me went out and raved for a bit. Just as it was sunset! Was lovely! But I wasn't really up for it and felt mentally and physically knackered when I came in! Felt like being at Glasto for a few minutes!! Can you DJ? I would love to but I can't listen to music well enough at the moment. I would potentially love to learn how to mix. I really like electronic music. I thought when I came in, 'oh no what have I done here, I should not have done that!!' but actually I have felt ok since. 

 

Everyday is so so changeable for me. Things can change so quickly and we have to remember that. 

 

My head is going a bit here man, but I will keep praying and remember I am really proud of you!! We will come through this!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

"THINGS CAN CHANGE SO QUICKLY, WE HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT"

"TWO LITTLES PIECES OF EXTASY"

They are back London, great for you. You are both in my prayers. Depression is still lingering with a little hope for today. Lost one bubble, the other is bigger, I keep playing with it for it to loosen up. God, I hope for the day that depression leaves me in peace. Same for you both. Love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Good to hear from you Gailage. Thank you so much for the prayers - I really do appreciate them now more than ever. I don't know what is happening and I am very scared. I will write more in LDN's message for you to read.

 

But very happy to hear that you have lost one bubble! That is great news. Maybe the other is just taking a little longer for the treatment to work? I don't know the science behind this all. But if one has gone, that has to be a good sign. 

 

I will pray for you to find your moments of ecstasy my sweet,

 

Much lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I'm in trouble and I don't know what is going on.

 

I woke today in the same way as before, with fear/depression, but the depression went and was replaced with this same awful feeling of weakness - so much that I could hardly move. I then started getting really scared because I again had to call off appointments for today. All I could do was lay in bed and it was like I was having a constant anxiety attack. My legs and arms kept twitching. Valium did nothing, dramamine did nothing, so I had to resort to the special K. This acted pretty fast and calmed me down, but only for about 90 minutes and I was back again - and I can't keep taking it. 

 

All I could do was drinking green tea and go to the bathroom, but I made sure I had breakfast at the usual time. It then got to about 6pm and I slept for about 2 1/2 hours. I then woke feeling a little better and had some lunch and caught up on a little of this project that needs doing. I am now better but I am SO scared for tomorrow. These days are so unbearable. I don't know what to do. I was very jumpy at the slightest thing and obviously it is the fatigue that is getting to me. If it wasn't for that, I would get outside and I know that would help, but I know I wouldn't make it much past the bottom of the stairs. I really do not know what is going on. So so scared. 

 

It is for sure a chemical thing going on in the brain, but I do not know how to reverse it. The only thing that has happened in the last few days is that I have stopped my omega 3. I forgot to order replacement, so I went from my usual 1500mg to nothing three days ago. Maybe it is involved somehow, I don't know. 

 

Anyway, wonderful to hear about your pockets of ecstasy. That sounds wonderful. I remember these. they mostly occur when I am driving for some reason, but they are lovely. Difficult to explain. But yes, sort of like a memory of heaven that comes in. Our soul takes over for just a moment and allows a glimpse of what is to come. And more reading! Well done man! It really does help. I got about 40 minutes in again last night, but was so exhausted from whatever is going on with me, that I fell asleep with the book on my face and woke up about 3 hours later! 

 

I can't believe how much stamina you have for getting to the field each day. If you felt anything like me - and I know you will have done - and worse - but you still make it to the field, that is incredible. I know if I had a garden, I would make it that far and again, it would help to be out of bed. But we don't have that luxury in the flat unfortunately. I hope I get some moments of energy tomorrow so I can get myself up an out. This thing has got to pass, but again, it is all in the not knowing. 

 

I can't DJ, no, but like you, I would love to give it a try! I went to Glastonbury once - that was a real eye-opener. Hardly any sleep for the entire time you are there, and the toilets - dear God - they were awful - and you had to queue for hours to use them... Don't think it is something I would do again in a hurry. Possibly the worst place for an claustrophobic too as you cannot move for all the tents. Inches apart they were...

 

Hope you had another better day - prayers will keep going...

 

Much love man

 

God Bless