2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Well first of all, glad to hear in your text that things were going better for you today. So jealous still of you being out in the countryside, irrespective of the sheep poo! But yesterday sounds like it was a bit much - again, it is the memory of the trauma. And what you said about things not sticking, I absolutely know what you mean. You simply do not have time for your brain. It is like a friend trying to talk you out of it, and you just aren't paying attention and are really thinking "you don't understand me, I just want to be alone". 

 

But trying not to change your behaviour is a good way forward. For me, it was "fake it 'til you make it". Still use it now, but a bit difficult during lockdown. But it was like when I was think whether or not to work on the car. Just do it as that is where you want to be. Fake it until I make it. Good advice.

 

I had a really long sleep last night and woke up really out of sorts. I wasn't quite sure which world I was in. Didn't bother me, but for about 20-30 minutes it was uncomfortable. I then had to take a system back fairly early which I just wanted to get out the way as there was about 30 kilos and the client was on the 5th floor!! I remembered how bad it was getting into my flat, so I just wanted to get it done - what with it being so hot, it wiped me out. I had just got home and made a cuppa with a biscuit and the phone went. The client. "There's a problem - I can't seem to x, y, z...". No. No. Not on a sunday - not after 2 really good, but very tiring days.

 

But I just wanted it done, so back I went, and an hour later home to cold tea

 

One of those things, but the positive was that it was a well paid job... and I needed the funds at the moment. I will be covered on this for a while. So my thanks to God for bringing that along right when I needed it.

 

But I tell you something. When I was moving the stuff into the car, I said a small prayer as I was driving to the client. I asked for any help getting the system up five floors - there was no lift! When I did it in my apartment, it totally wiped me out, but the craziest thing happened, I got to the first floor... ok, keep going... second floor... third floor - still didn't need a rest - not even out of breath a little. I'm not kidding, I felt I could go 10 floors. I just walked right into the block, still holding and "where do you guys need it?".

 

Power of prayer man...

 

Mrs Scrat read your reply today as well and she could really connect with it - especially the fragile and irritating part - she is also right on edge. It is comforting for her to know that other people are going through the same as her. It can't be easy seeing me having a couple of bad days and then come out to my old self again. I do all I can... we just keep going.

 

That said, I think I have overdone it. No surprise though. I started getting a bit of a strange feeling in my throat, like a precursor to a cold or something middle of yesterday, then it went, then it came back, it is pushing my anxiety buttons at the moment because of this virus, but I am quite sure it is me just pushing myself, and exerting my voice on Skype all week. The odds are very slim... but still shows you how fine that line can be - just like my depression last week.

 

These are really trying times because of the political situation and so forth. We really need to stick together and look after each other. I will write back on PM tomorrow, or later. Need to rest....

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Scrat, so nice to see you happy. Just don't forget those days, write them down. So when a bad patch shows up, it'll be good to remind yourself of these days, we forget so easily.

I am too looking forward to the shrinkage of my bubbles. 10 days after the last treatment, perhaps before! Lovage.

 

Thank you my dear - and yes, these are remembered in these pages as well. Very important as you say. I need to give myself credit... just as you do!! As you will have read above, I am very tired so need to rest. Had a good weekend, but done too much. Even in lockdown we can overdo it...

 

Keep counting down those days for your pain to stop...

 

Much lovage

[LDN]

Hey brother! First thank you so much for the text! How crazy I was literally surrounded by the sheep and these gorgeous lambs I mentioned and then I heard my phone go! At the time I was thinking 'this is like heaven' - the view, the sun, the lambs - and I was thinking I wish I could take a photo of this for IUN! I was thinking I can't wait to tell you and then I hear my phone go!! Got back and it was you!! It was beautiful synchronicity!! 

 

But you won't believe it?? The lambs have went to my path for my meditation and pooed there as well!!! There is the whole field and they choose my meditation spot!! Today I did a lap of the field and noticed barely any poo then got to my spot and it was covered in it!!! Come on LOL!! Also the lamb poo looks just the same but just much smaller!!! LOL!! It is so funny! Anyway as you can see I have sheep poo on my mind at the moment LOL!!! 

 

Those lambs are something else though man! Honestly the cutest things! Looked liked cuddly toys! About the size of terrier! When the move the sort of skip, it is so sweet!! I really wanted to steal one LOL! Take it as a pet! 2 of them came right up to me!! I really wanted to stroke them but was scared they would run off!! But it was a special moment. Them basically brushing my wellies and staring up at me!! I think the sheep are becoming quite at ease with me because they were coming really close as well. I was just standing completely still like a statue, so as not to scare them! 2 of the lambs were feeding on their mother's milk! 

 

But I do feel guilty about being here and knowing how much you would love it! Wish you could be down here as well! So sorry for going on about it but I haven't got anything else positive to talk about! 

 

Last night after I posted depression got even worse. It was pretty terrible. I don't wait else to say without being too dark, but it wasn't pretty. Felt pretty desperate. Slept ok and this afternoon after I texted you I suddenly felt completely over run and quite panicked. For the first time in ages I was rude to my brother and let the pressure get the better of me. I apologised a lot and he totally understood but I was really disappointed in myself. I never take it out on others, at least I haven't for so long. Thinking about it now I feel deep shame. I was stressed and then just starting being rude and aggressive with no provocation. I let myself down and am thankful my brother was so gracious in accepting my apology. I didn't completely loose my cool but was I was unfriendly and rude. I can mess up anything else, make wrong decisions and I will totally accept that. But the one thing I ask of myself is to be kind, and I hope mostly I live up to that goal. 

 

Then this evening depression came in really bad. I went to my siesta in a bad way feeling too overwhelmed and then since I got up I felt very bad depression. Everything just feels on top of me. I feel just so so fragile as I was saying last night. Just so so edgy. The slightest thing is annoying and irritating. Just incredibly vulnerable. I think I need to somehow wind things down a bit the next few days. 

 

I must say I know I always say it but without years of experience of depression, what I'm facing would be truly terrifying. The experience of being in such truly horrific situations over the last 9 years is proving invaluable right now. My confidence is very very low. And I am truly worn down by the abuse and bullying and harassment of these depressive thoughts. They do come and go but when in it, it is dark place. I told my dad tonight that I felt really depressed last night and he said he could tell today from my body language. So this withdrawal is really pushing me and it is outwardly showing now. 

 

But it comes and goes as I say. It is just the trauma attached makes this much harder than a usual bout of depression. As I have told you I find the natural episodes much easier to cope with. 

 

But yes fake it till you make it - that is a great way of going about things! I really like how you described that! 

 

Really happy you managed to get a job in today, even though it was so tiring! And amazing about the 5th floor!! Wow! What a beautiful thing! 

 

Again really proud of how you handling everything!! You are doing brilliant! 

 

Sorry for being so one sided tonight! I will be praying brother!! 

 

Now take things easy!! Remember one step at a time and to pace yourself!! 

 

I love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my Princess!! 

 

I am really praying for our bubbles! As you say what a difficult place to have them! I still can barely believe all these trials you have to face my love!! And you face them with such bravery and kindness!! These last years for you have been one thing after another and yet you still come on here and offer your positive and loving words!! Incredible my love!!! BRAVO!!! 

 

I must say my love this such a huge exposure for you, this episode, and I think you are handling yourself quite amazing!! For me I look to you for inspiration!! 

 

This ultimate exposure and you are doing superb!!

 

Also my love you can rant to me whenever you want!!! Think of all the times I have ranted to you!! LOL!!! Also it is good to get these things off our chest! With us we can talk of anything! No judgment!! Just be ourselves!! That is what we are all about my love!! 

 

Thank you so much for your prayers!! That means so much!! 

 

I am praying for your trip tomorrow!!! 

 

We will jump and fly sky high to Jesus!!! Yeah!! 

 

JOY IS COMING!!!

 

To my Princess of Canada!! Love you and God Bless!

[gail]

London, thank you for your words. Yes, this one is quite an exposure playing with the fear. Not all the time, in the morning specially.

The story about the sheep is beautiful. Yes, take one in for the night!lol
Second treatment at 8am. Happy to go.

Scrat, there is no pain. But mental pain, yes. As it will continue to grow for a while. The things that go through my mind, I won't go into that. Happy for your weekend.

Got to get ready, see you later. Love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Hi Gailage....

 

The morning fear... just heard that from RoaldDahl currently on his withdrawal... it sucks. But if you ever feel anything changing around 9am, that will be when my first prayer comes to you in Canada, which is around 2pm in the UK! 

 

Now that I know it is more mental pain, I can ask for more specific help for you. I can imagine what can be going through your mind. As you will read in my reply to LDN I have had something similar today...

 

Hope you've had a good day

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey Brother

 

We do seem to be having a lot of synchronicity with our thoughts lately! I'm sure there is more to it than we give credit. Regarding your meditation spot, they could very well be picking up on the energies that you concentrate there!! If it is a comfortable place, why wouldn't they have a poo there!!

 

I think you need to take a photo of this phenomenon!! You never know when it may be useful! LDN may be the next "sheep-whisperer"!!

 

I know just what you mean about lambs too. They are the very reason I became a vegetarian. There was a field close to where I was bought up as a child before they built a load of houses on it. My dad would often take me to go and see the lambs in that field and when I put the two together that they were what I was chowing down on for Sunday lunch, that is when I became a veggie! Would have loved to have been there with you to enjoy the experience.

 

No harm whatsoever about going on about it - please carry on. It soothes my mind and takes me there with you, and gives me something to aid meditation later.

 

Don't be too harsh on yourself that you lost it earlier - you know this isn't the real you. The chemicals in your brain are not what they should be - plain and simple. It is turning you into someone - albeit temporarily - that you don't want to be. It is so difficult to stay calm. I remember during my withdrawal, I ended up shouting at a kid!! It was terrible.... so don't be thinking too bad of yourself loosing it a bit with a member of your own family when I did the same with a perfectly innocent child! Just like you, I never get angry, which is why we can see straight through it.

 

Really sorry to hear of the continued depression. But again, wonderful that you can draw back on previous experience. I wish I had more advice for you, but again, we are working against unbalanced chemicals here and as I know there will be times, as you said yesterday, where you are answering back to yourself "yes, but I feel bad NOW... knowing that doesn't help me NOW". So true, yet so annoyingly painful.

 

Today for me has been a bit touch and go. As I said before, I was feeling a bit off - quite weak and lethargic as the weekend wore on. This morning I woke up about 2 hours too early and couldn't sleep. I was pleased that I didn't have a cough or fever, but I do feel more worn, and whilst there is no irritation, my chest feels heavy. Could be anxiety, but I can't help freaking out that it is coronavirus. I know it is highly unlikely as I tend to feel like this when I have overdone it, but can't help the anxiety. Just take each day as it comes. I had two skype sessions today and another walk-in new client, so money really isn't going to be an issue for now, but I could still do without any virus!!

 

You are right - I do need to pace myself...

 

Much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Day been okish. Had therapy just going over the week, it is fine on skype but I prefer being in person like you said yourself. I did wake to bad anxiety again. Went to the field and saw the lambs again. Then the usual. Right now feel pretty flat and just a bit weird. I really need to read more. I have been totally neglecting it. And i can feel it having a negative effect. Spiritually it is important for me. Gets me away from the world and in a more spiritual place. Just one day at a time at the moment. 

 

Massive well done for the 2 clients on skype and then one in person! That is good going man!! Sorry to hear about these symptoms! I am a it the same the last few months, in terms of my withdrawal has given me stuff like a sore throat, breathing difficulties, cough. Right now I have a slightly painful chest. How on earth coming off a drug does this I have no idea, but I have it for months on and off as I say so I am sure it withdrawal. At first I was like you naturally thinking have I got the virus. 

 

Ha I was on my meditation path at the top of the field today. So far I have successfully avoid walking on the poo!! But today I lost focus and stood right in a big one! LOL!! Since it has been sunny a lot they dried up a bit like a cow pat. But once you stand on them the insides are wet!! Funny thing is, if you walk the field there is no other area where they have pooed so much! So don't what it is about my like section that draws them!! I like it right at the top because you have the clearest view of the sun, so I can maximise my vitamin D and it is warmer. 

 

I noticed today that when they go to suck the milk they waggle their little tails!! LOL! So sweet! We have never had so many sheep in the field before, must be about 40 all together including lambs! I so want one as a pet now!!! 

 

I will keep praying! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

COUCOU Gail! 

 

I really hope today went well!! I was praying for you! Hopefully the doctors and nurses were very supportive! 

 

Bravo!! What a hero my love!! 

 

I think you may be in again tomorrow! If so I hope that goes well!! 

 

You are doing so great!! 

 

Yes I really need to steal one of the lambs!!! I want to have one so bad LOL!! They are so so cute!! 

 

All of my love to you!!! Bravo again and God Bless!

[gail]

Yes London, one today and two others. No shrinkage to be seen. I need not think about this, I permit myself a half hour of writing about it and then I try to pass to other things. Real hard at times.

I would like to stand in the loop and make a miracle happen with the bubbles.

The doctor sees his patients on Wednesday, I will be ready. I need answers. I need to be reassured, because in 10 days it will grow so much, I can barely eat right now.

Please prayers from you all to try all let it be. Love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Gailage... message received and prayer frequency will be doubled!! Bless you my earth angel... we will get you through this,

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Talk about being out of kilter!! Look at the time I am replying!! I'm 4 hours behind man! I am in such bad condition at the moment, so I am so so sorry, but I need to cut it very short. I have been talking through some work I am doing with some sub-contractors who are abroad and had to meet their time difference, but it went on so long. It is a good project and very good money, so I need to keep up, but it has really knocked me out...

 

Will fill you in tomorrow... but there will be prayers going up for both you and Gailage before I turn in.

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother no problem!! Fantastic your getting the work! Take all the time you need brother! No pressure from here!! 

 

I also have a very bad case of mental claustrophobia tonight! I can barely think!! Today was a real tough one. Toughest day down in the country so far. Woke feeling really weird. Like a really bad hangover feeling. Just not myself at all. Was really unnerving. Just something was off. I wasn't tired but it as if I had only had 2 hours sleep - that sort of feeling. 

 

Then I woke from my siesta to such bad anxiety. Really heavy stuff. Was pretty shocked to be honest. Such intensity to it. Then now very bad mental claustrophobia and a bit of headache. So it is tough right now. It is draining me and I am having to dig deep right now. But if I am honest I am very happy with how I responded today. 2 years ago if I felt like this I would completely freaked out. Been worrying like mad. Stress would be through the roof. But calm begets calm and stress begets stress. I have kept it very calm today. Today my dad said he was really surprised when I told how bad it had been. I am 'faking it till I make it' brother!! 

 

I spent 1 hour 40 minutes in the field. The fresh air and Vitamin D must have been good for me. Got in a real nice rhythm of meditation. I was so tired at the beginning but I just found a nice rhythm and got lost in it. Got to a nice place mentally which took me to a slighter higher plain, which is what I needed. Was knackered mentally when I came in though. 

 

Also had a lovely moment with the lambs. I was making the noise I made to my cat and was squatting and tapping my knees and putting my arms out stretched and about 4 lambs walked over and got pretty close to me!! They stayed staring at me for a good few minutes and it was a magical moment. Lifted me up so much. They then got bored LOL!! And off they went!! 

 

Ok man look after yourself remember that!! Take care of yourself!! I will let you focus on this job! As I say no pressure, just write when you have time. 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail! 

 

I hope today went well! That is great you are seeing the doctor on Wednesday! Happy to hear this! 

 

But what an incredible exposure right now!! The ultimate exposure!! 

 

I am speechless with your courage right now! 

 

You are doing absolutely amazing my love!! This has been one exposure after another for you!! And you keep going!! I am so so proud of you!! You are truly magnificent! A wonder woman! 

 

You are being so so brave right now! I am so inspired by you and in awe of you!! 

 

Remember my love I am always here and praying and thinking of you!! 

 

Remember we are in this together!! Together we will make it!! 

 

I am going to keep praying for you my love!! My brave and special friend!! 

 

I know it is so hard to let things be, so so hard! I had this for years and years!!! I understand you and I think you are handling everything amazing!! 

 

I know you are safe in God hands!! Jesus is with you my love!! He will guide you through this!! 

 

I love you so much my amazing Princess!!! 

 

Again a huge BRAVO from me!!! 

 

God Bless!!

[gail]

Scrat, knowing that you pray for me means a lot specially for the situation that I am in. So A huge thank you! Lovage

London love, you always have the right words to encourage me. He, this is the ultimate exposure. For anxiety and claustrophobia sufferers, the only way to not think about it 24/24, is to pray and upper the meds, no guilt here or I would be a basket case.

My questions are prepared for the doctor, she better reassure me. I need that.

The good news is that my rent will be paid for two months by the cancer organization. Plus a few taxis. That social worker is an angel.

London, I sympathize with your situation and am praying for it to subside. Love you Prince!

[invalidusername]

Gailage...

 

I have just said my morning prayers and I made myself think just what it must be like for you at the moment - to be reminded all the time of everything in your mouth. Even the smallest thing in the mouth feels like a mountain, so I was reminded for a moment just how awful this must be for you. I pray that God gives you the courage, the strength and the love of his presence in your flat, in the hospital, in the taxi - anywhere you go - I ask that He is with you.

 

If you can, please let us know how it goes today - whether the doctor helps or not. We are here for you. We know what you have been told and that things will improve for you. I know it helps to hear it from a doctor, but they can be so dry. They deal with ill people every day so a lot of them just become immune to it. They go home, they have done what they need for their pay-check. But here, we don't ask for anything like that - just that our Gailage is looked after as much as possible.

 

Will look forward to hearing from you when you can my sweet.

 

Lovage

 

Your Scrat

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I am back to almost normal time, but I still have some work to do as I have another Skype meeting tomorrow afternoon. I am very happy that this work has come along right when I needed it, but it is a bit like being thrown from the shallow end of the pool right into the deep end. One day I am doing next to nothing and then I am flat out! I need to be careful.

 

I was thinking after reading your post yesterday, Mrs Scrat has this (fake) sheep rug thing. I wanted to send it to you so you could pretend to be a sheep in the field and then hopefully the lambs would be brave enough to come that little bit closer so you can stroke them!!

 

Those feelings of only having slept for an hour when you've had about 9 are horrible. This because you aren't hitting your rem cycle in your sleep. No doubt it will be a byproduct of the withdrawal, but that sucks. And is the anxiety just a general overall feeling of nerves, or is it the sort that will have you focusing on one specific thing all day? Neither of them are nice, and I really hope you can tame it a bit over the days to come. But very proud that you are "faking til you make it" - excellent work brother! It is how it is done. It is really tiring, but it will soon convince your brain that it is what it should be getting used to. That is the real you and you aren't changing for anyone!!

 

And now 100 minutes in the field!! Superb... and of course still very jealous! This will be doing you so much good to be outside taking in all this sun. It would have been more than I got today - even though I was out of the flat, I unfortunately wasn't outside for most of it. As I said, I really must find some time to reel it back in and take some time out. Otherwise I will end up burning out... in a lockdown of all things! How ironic that would be.... but again, I'd rather not let it happen.

 

I really hope that Gailage had a better day. She one our musketeers man - we need her in good shape! Just keep prayers going for her and she will come out the other side. Lovely what you wrote to her yesterday - it is all the right stuff too. Just a shame that the people who are offering the services can't extend to offering the support that should come with the services. But then again, what with the NHS not recognising your Lyme's, you will know all about that. Such a crazy world we live in. 

 

Speaking of the NHS, I don't know if you have seen, but the government have stopped releasing the "recovered" figures from the cv. The only country in the world who isn't showing the figures - and hasn't done for over 2 weeks... and why? They are embarassed by the figures - why else would it be? Our death toll will soon surpass Spain and we will end up being the worst in Europe. Finally the government in the UK will be seen for the useless idiots they are. The whole world are looking to us and our "wonderful" NHS (of which the workers are - let me get that straight!)... but now the world can see just how poor it is. I have no regret for this at all. Maybe there will be some silver lining to it all and unless it goes private, which it probably will, they should at least sort something out. The next election this whole thing should see the Tory's out and Labour back in to straighten out the system again. Whether it will or not who knows... Anyway - no more talk of this!! Need to get back to work...

 

Hoping you have had a better day. I know you will have braved it again and gone to the field. Such an inspiration. This is why you have to come here and tell all - no matter how bad you think, or one-sided, it does serve a very important purpose. I see just how wonderful people like Gail and yourself are doing and it helps me. I feel so privileged with everything as a result. Always good to have perspective.

 

Love you so much brave brother...

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother! Thanks for that lovely message! Today was brutal! This is hitting me hard. My resources are just get pushed to the limit. I just don't feel right. I feel so so weird. My chemistry is completely f***** right now. From the moment I woke I haven't felt right all day. I don't get it. All withdrawal so far was toug but completely manageable but since Tuesday morning somethings has gone wrong. From tough but manageable it has gone to desperation and I feel on the brink. 

 

And guess what - they say this drug has NO withdrawal effects!!!!!!!! No withdrawal effects and here I am on my knees, feeling completely broken!! These drug companies and big pharma I just despair. If you have been on a drug for over a year and it has been part of your cocktail of meds of course it is going to mess with you when you come off it. But they still say NO withdrawal effects! 

 

Honestly I was doing so well. I have taken this so so slow. But after hitting that 0 last Monday things started to get worse and now I don't what to do or where to turn. 

 

I get what is going on. As I said my brain has been on this drug for over 1 1/2 years and without it, it is freaking out and needs to find a new equilibrium. But how long can I take this. I just can't take these meds anymore. Despite going so slow everything I feared has happened. I had this in 2018 and never wanted to face it again. 

 

My anxiety is just feeling weird and nervous and butterflies and pumping heart - no thoughts really. 

 

Last night I had a panic attack because I thought I was going to get blocked on instagram (I didn't). I was in state of high panic until for about 40/50 minutes before I went to bead. I handled it very well, but it just showed how insanely vulnerable I am right now. I woke feeling weird. Then felt weird in the field. Then after my sauna, while having my shower I felt weird. I hate this feeling of not being myself. Like something is missing. Right now I have a headache as usual in the evening. Plus mental claustrophobia as usual. I don't feel me. 

 

I find it weird how throughout the withdrawal process I had issues but I felt ok, even at very low doses. But now on zero and it is a different world. My last week on it, at a very low dose I felt fine. Plus I have been on a low dose for a while, I spend 4 weeks going from 25% to 0. Between 25 and 0 I felt pretty ok as I say, but suddenly 0 and all this madness. 

 

Anyway I'm sorry for all this negativity. 

 

I did spend another 1 hour 48 minutes in the field, a new record. But I felt zero satisfaction as I felt so weird. I did have one nice moment when I was sqauting and chirping to the lambs and one came so close. I briefly stroked it's nose!! But then it got bored and walked off. Then a few more walked up and I again briefly touched ones head but it brushed me off and moved on. So I am making little steps each day in getting closer to them. I was so happy when I stroke the nose, it was right up in my face!!! Amazing seeing them that close up!! I have to take some photos for you!! I will be doing my walking meditation and then just look up and you see these lambs frolicking in the sun and at you think to yourself 'wait where am I?'. It is just this perfect Arcadian scene! So rare in the 21 century to have such moments of pure innocence and simplicity. Just the sun, the light breeze, the dancing lambs having fun with each other and the green grass! A stunning environment. Because I spend so long in the field it means I get much closer access. Like today I just stood still for about 30 minutes and barely move and then they all come up to you. Yesterday I counted about 40 of them all together! Also guess what? My path was covered in poo AGAIN!!! I did a round of the field when I 1st entered it and I barely noticed any poo, then got to my spot and it is covered in it! They all sort of look like cow pats since they dry in the sun! Sometimes the lambs with go off, about 6 of them, to play under the tree together, and then afterwards they all run to their mothers and seeing 6 of them running together is just magical. Also have you seen how aggressive they are when they go to get their milk? Bloody hell they go in hard and yank away!! The sheep all they do is just eat grass non stop. I even saw one resting and then I looked again and it was eating while it was resting!! Their whole day is justing eating LOL!! Nice life LOL!! 

 

I am finding the uncertainty of all this corona stuff getting to me. I still haven't got some of my supplements!!!! Despite ordering them literally at least a month ago! But their lines down so I can't call! It looks like we are going to be down here a long long time, which is a bit stressful for me. My dad is over 70 so I don't when he will be allowed back to work. I prefer being here to London of course but still it is an exposure since I have barely left London for 9 years!! I will have been done here for 5 weeks I think tomorrow!! That was my length of my whole stay last summer!! 

 

Couldn't agree with you more on all the government stuff. In Germany small shops are already back open!! You just think what have we become as a country? 5th largest economy in the world apparently but can't have get hold of PPE for frontline staff!! And the thing is, if the NHS wasn't so underfunded it wouldn't affect business so much, as they wouldn't need to protect it from getting overrun. 

 

Anyway hope the skype goes well tomorrow!! You doing smashing mate!! So proud of how you are handling everything! I really hope you know how great you are doing!! But as you say take it easy and don't overdo it!! Look after yourself and remember that self compassion!! 

 

I am praying as always! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou my superstar Gail!! 

 

I really really hope everything went well with the Doctor today! I really hope that brought some reassurance! 

 

Fantastic news about your rent and your taxis, I am pleased to hear this! 

 

Remember you are so so brave! All of us on here see you as a HERO! 

 

To have what you are facing right now, anybody would struggle. One thing after another for you my love. And yet you KEEP GOING! Your COURAGE is something that leaves me speechless!! Trust me my love, you have such incredible courage!!

 

I am so so incredibly proud of you!! SO PROUD! 

 

This ultimate exposure you face with such courage!! A big big BRAVO and pat on the back from me!!

 

God is with you! I know you are safe in his hands! Jesus is by your side remember this my love! I know you do! Jesus will guide you through this! 

 

God must be so proud of his angel! You are something so SPECIAL! 

 

I see God in you so much!! 

 

Keep going my love! Remember we are in this together! I am with you! Together we will make it! 

 

And don't forget SO MUCH JOY IS COMING!! LOVE, PEACE, JOY IS ALL COMING!! 

 

WE WILL FLY AND CRY WITH JOY!!! 

 

I am praying for HOPE and for you to let go! 

 

Again I am blown away by you! You are extraordinary my love!! 

 

Love you so much my Canadian Princess!!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[gail]

My dear Scrat,

What a beautiful And encouraging post. Thank you so much for having me in your heart.
Your prayers are spot on. At times, I think that I will lose my mind over this. Jesus is with me, you and London, you are all so precious.

After my radiotherapy yesterday, I waited 30 minutes to see the invisible doctor, and I never saw her. I left with no questions asked. Note that I was the only one waiting. One person and that was me.

The treatments make me very very tired. The last one today. No change yet for the bubbles.

Scrat, please talk to Jesus again so I can find courage to wait two weeks for some results. If not, it's surgery. This was my main question for her plus a few others.

You are the only one that is well for the moment, I'm happy for you. Your Gailage

[gail]

My Prince London,

Exactly what I needed to hear. We will dance and fly all over the sky, laughing, carefree. We need hope. And more hope. I'm glad that even though your situation that you find the courage to go in the field with the sheep and lamb. For a brief moment, you can escape.

Please ask FH about your withdrawal. If it's like cymbalta, you can swallow just a mini part of the pill to help your mind. It's worth asking my love. Unless he sees this and respond.

We both are living ultimate exposures, different but how tough it is to go through this. Same question though, When will this be over or half over. Scrat really understands what it is to have bubbles in front and back. His imagination took him there.

My Prince, when is your next appointment with the doctor? He may suggest something to ease your mental pain. Don't be scared, it's temporary. You are always in my prayers love. It takes guts to go through our exposures. But, we will dance and fly up in the sky waving a coucou to Jesus. Peace,joy, love, smiles, Chinchin and Katou with wings, maybe a lamb also.

Last treatment today. So tired but always eager to go. London, you remain in my thoughts always. With a prayer here and there during the day. Love you, Gail xxxx

[invalidusername]

Gailage...

 

I love that you refer to the invisible doctor - she is just that if the silly cow never shows up. I remember it was like that for me at the Mental Health clinic. Sat there waiting for people and stuff that never happened. 

 

I really don't want you to have to go with surgery - not in the mouth - my goodness, no way! I had a chat with them upstairs earlier and again before coming here. If anyone heard my prayers they would think I was mad - talking to myself - as I talk just like I would talk to a friend. God doesn't want all the fancy stuff, He knows and heard it all - He just wants to hear it like it is. Plain and simple. Gailage needs her strength, I want her coming back here on the forum so we can help out, and I want feelings of relief even though you are not getting any. He will send you feelings of relaxing - you don't know why, where or how they come about, but that is just it. He has the power and the love to do this. 

 

Maybe have a small flight later? If it is not too much. This would help. I will come to join you as I will be sleeping earlier. I'll strap on my wings and wait for you.

 

All my lovage

 

Scrat

[invalidusername]

My dear brother...

 

This sounds really harsh. I worry that this withdrawal is hitting a bit too hard. I know you have been there and done that, but I just wish there was something that could be done. I know this isn't the real LDN and the real one is underneath trying to steer this ship of madness through the fog. 

 

"They" have a lot to answer for regarding what is known about withdrawals. 5 days of pregabalin and I went through hell. No-one can say for sure about anything. The brain is really never going to be understood. 

 

You have done so well, and I am so glad you are seeing that and acknowledging it. It must be such a slap in the face to be doing so much only to be returned with this sudden downturn. We'd always feel better knowing how long it is going to take. As Gailage said, you could of course take the edge off with a small amount, but there is still the inevitable to come back to. You have been off them for a good few days. I am hoping that it is hitting peak now and will turn around. Will see what you come back with today. Here's hoping there has been improvement.

 

"My anxiety is just feeling weird and nervous and butterflies and pumping heart - no thoughts really."

 

That just says it all. Chemistry. Not LDN. There is never a source to it - nothing that has seemed to trigger it. It just IS. And it sucks. You of course won't feel like you. Goes without saying. But the absence of the meds is always going to be the worst for most, and that is what you have to keep telling yourself. And where so many get it wrong. They think once they have had their last dose they are out of the woods, but no, it is just starting for some. As I said, just keep the focus as much as you can on the chemistry thing. I think it is the best way forward. But you have all my sympathy and prayers.

 

Wow - you got a lamb's nose!! Now that is awesome. I would love to see some photos. The only thing I can remember when I was feeling something similar was when I first went out to Mrs Scrats home country, and there are SO many stray cats in the streets. It was very difficult for me to see them all, but this was life out there. Anyway, I went to the supermarket and got a big bag of cat biscuits and sat on the street and started feeding a couple of them and within seconds, I must have had about 40 cats around me all wanting some. It was amazing! The bag went within minutes. 

 

They sure like to chow down for sure! Just eat and sleep... what a life as you say! But it is great that you can still write this stuff even though you are feeling this way. You must have felt good to be recalling all that time you were out there with the lambs. I love reading this! It brings me so much happiness and even more so knowing that you have that opportunity right on your doorstep to be doing that. So many would just wallow in their self-pity and not set foot outside, but not our LDN... that is why you will see the other side of this as soon as possible. 

 

The Skype turned into a real meeting... and it was me and two of the guys in the project who were local. Got there at 4pm, and back in the car at 6.47pm!! 2 hours and 47 minutes meeting man! I was shattered, but they were really positive about the work I am doing for them and they agreed to the next stage which means I am for sure covered during these times, but I am having to organise other people and make sure they get the work done too. So a bit stressful, but it can all be done from the flat, so I can choose when I want to do the stuff and take time out when I need to.

 

It got to 11pm and I just closed the project. I had to. I wanted to carry on, but I knew it was the right thing to do in walking away. I am so excited to have this work, and the money coming in, but I must be careful.

 

Right - so forum is done - time for food!! Hear from you soon man!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Sorry for the message last night but boy I was in a bad state!! Tonight I am feeling a bit better. But I know precarious these things are. As much as possible not trying to react to feeling good or bad. Just flow and float. Don't even have a plan. Just let it happen. What is meant to be is meant to be. I keep on telling God, 'you do what you want for me, I am in total surrender to you'. God is the boss here, however much pain I suffer, if it is part of God's plan I will do everything in my power to endure. All I am here for on earth is to serve God, that is it. So he can do with me what he wants. He is in control. I try my best of course - to get well and to spread love. But in this life where most things are out of our control, I leave that to God. I can't be bothered blaming myself anymore, 'I should have done this or that' - I just can't waste time on that anymore, I am trying my best and trying to live with love. 

 

To give you some idea of how they have no idea about the brain and drugs, my replacement p doc, who is really nice, said I could withdraw between a few weeks and 1mg a week (my dose 25mg). So basically he said I could do it in 3 or 4 or 25 weeks, it was up to me!!! That is quite a big difference!!!! 3 weeks or 25 weeks!!!! I respect his honesty and him giving me the initiative but why on earth are they giving these out if they don't know how to come off!!! A 22 week difference man!! How the hell am I meant to know what the hell to do??? That is less than a month to come off or over 6 months!!!! I did it in 12 weeks. I had no problems I wouldn't expect till 0.

 

Thinking about now I think I should have done it longer but then BEFORE 0 it was going very well in my mind. Since I have been done in the country I have been on 25% of 25mg or less the whole time and really have no had anything too bad until Tuesday. So since the withdrawal process was going well at the speed I chose, why would I change? Since what I was doing was working! I even did an extra week. I was on 1/25 and then the last week I went down to 0.5/25, which was a miniscule bit of pill. I deliberately did that so it wasn't too much of a shock dropping to 0. Plus the last few days i reduced even more so it was basically a spot. If it had got it much smaller I would have needed a magnifying glass!! 

 

I woke up feeling definitely better than the last few days. But still had anxiety. Then i went in the field for 1 hour 30 minutes. I felt much better than I had the last 2 days. Then came in and sauna and shower. Then I did a zoom quiz with my cousins, which lasted longer than I thought, but I really didn't want to isolating again. Fake it till you make it! But by the end it was a bit stressful as it was going way over time! Then my siesta was fine. 

 

The sheep were resting in the shade. I went over but they didn't seem too bothered so I didn't push. Did get close to 3 lambs but not close enough to stroke them like yesterday. It is interesting the lambs are a lot less scared of me than the sheep. The sheep never walk right up to me, but the lambs do!! Also I have to squat down to get close to them and that is exhausting for me. Today I just felt too tired to squat for ages! The sun was out and it was really warm. I just went to my spot and lost myself for a bit. Been at least 1 hour 30 minutes for 3 days in a row now. So if nothing else the Vitamin D and fresh air should be doing me good. On the top of the hill, you get very good access to the sun. 

 

Great story about the stray cats! I do sometimes think what could I feed the lambs. But then they are the farmers so I have to be careful!! 

 

A 2 hour 47 minutes meeting WOW! Incredible man!! Just amazing!! What an achievement in the middle of all this!! So happy you have this work and so proud of you!! Great you decided to shut off at 11pm. As you say be careful and don't overdo it. It is all about pacing yourself! Knowing when to take a break! 

 

I am starting to feel anxious and weird now. As I say I was really happy with where I was before 0. I actually had a pretty good week on lowest dose. So I can't fault myself. I was on such a small dose at the end it seems amazing that such a tiny amount can make such a difference. But I think it is the build up. Over a week on nothing. 

 

As I said we will just flow and float. I try my best. That is all I can do. I place myself in God hands! He knows best! In my suffering I love him deeply! 

 

I love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Princess! 

 

Oh my love that message was wonderful from you!! It made me emotional!! Really touched me deeply! 

 

I just can't believe your bravery and strength every day! Day after day of these appointments! And the doctor didn't even come! Another exposure! It is just one thing after another! But you are dealing with it just so amazingly! 

 

I must say I am speechless! I can't believe it, how amazing you are doing! It is astonishing! Your bubbles in your mouth, always reminding you and causing anxiety. All these days in the hospital. The virus meaning it got cancelled at first. Now your doctor not being there. AND you still come on here and say such lovely things to me! You still write words of HOPE!!! I can't believe it me my love! To say I am proud of you is an understatement! To say you inspire me is an understatement! 

 

If anybody teaches me HOPE it is you!! You never give up! You just keep going! You keep your compassion however much anxiety and pain you feel! You keep your lovely words to us on here! 

 

I JUST THINK YOU ARE AMAZING!!! PLEASE KNOW THIS!!! PLEASE!!! 

 

I really really hope the last treatment went well today! 

 

I must say my love you are inspiring me in suffering right now! We suffer together! And you courage is what helps me so much! And your love I feel in your posts! 

 

We are in God's hands my love! In time we will see that being in God's hands is so wonderful. We will have so much joy and beauty and love and calm and peace and happiness. So many gifts God's hands will bring. We will fly and dance in the sky. We will coucou to Jesus! We will see Katou and Chin Chin! And some cute lambs!! We will cry with the joy! Pure joy! True joy! 

 

Everything will make sense, I trust us with God! He will give us more joy that we can ever imagine! He loves us more than words can say! I can't wait for the day we can be in this joy together!! Crying with joy together!! To know this is coming makes me so happy! So so happy! In all this suffering such wonder awaits my love!!! I can feel it!! 

 

They are waiting for us in the Summerland! But it is for God when we can go home! BUT WE WILL GET THERE! 

 

I am praying will all my heart for you! Praying for these next 2 weeks! 

 

And remember - WE ARE TOGETHER! TOGETHER WE WILL MAKE IT! 

 

YOU ARE A HERO AND SUPERSTAR!!! 

 

Love you so much my Princess!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[invalidusername]

Beautiful stuff there brother... so beautiful.

 

This forum sure is a Godsend - more so now for the musketeers than before.

[gail]

Scrat and London,

Inspiring posts! How I love to read you both. I feel so much love from both of you.

UPDATE I finally saw the doctor, and to my surprise, I liked her. She took her time and was not in a hurry. My question was if the treatment doest work, can I have surgery to remove the bubbles and like Scrat said, NO WAY. It's not as simple as we think. I don't have all the explanation, but it means, tearing away the palate, breaking teeth, leaning a big hole in the palate. So again, no way.

If nothing shrinks in the next week's, I am to see an oncologist, the one that I loved. In the last years, perhaps there is something new on the market that we can try. They don't see this often, it's rare. So Doctor Castillou will be my last hope if the bubbles don't shrink.

Now that the treatments are over, I can recuperate from the fatigue and of course make brownies. END OF UPDATE.

Scrat, you surprised me so much when you said NO way to surgery. Are you a doctor? Lol
I, at times, feel relief from my mind and have a few relaxing moments. Thank God!

At the hospital, they have a beautiful artificial lake. Yesterday, after seeing the doctor, I went to the lake, there are benches all around. I sat and enjoyed the view. There was one duck, a male mallard. All alone like me, there was no one in sight, I should have stayed longer. But it's like I'm speeded inside I felt relaxed all the way home and it stayed like that till I went to bed.

Can you tell me what kind of work you are doing for those guys? Like really full of surprises!

I also loved the story of the 40 cats. What a view it must have been.

I'd love to go flying, but my mind is a bit off. I don't want to repeat myself. But if inspiration comes, I will try. Thank you Scrat for everything you're doing for me, I feel so loved. Lovage and more lovage.

[gail]

Sweet London,

So tired here from writing. I'm truly happy that you had moments of peace and relaxation. I understood that you are feeling a bit better my love. Thank you God for this.

As you said, WHAT IS MEANT TO BE IS MEANT TO BE. I like this

This is a short post, my eyes are closing. And that, I know that you understand.

Loved your Coucou, all of it. Much love to you my loving Prince!

[invalidusername]

Gailage...

 

The "NO WAY" was me reacting to the thought of surgery, rather than advice. But having read what would be involved, I think it would be quite something to have to go through that. 

 

I am so happy that you had the moment of relaxation. This was just what I asked for you. I knew it would be difficult to find positivity at the moment, but I knew that God could somehow bring about a feeling that would make you sure of his presence. Thank you God... you answered my prayer. I am so happy to hear this.... so so happy.

 

The sea of cats was beautiful. I could have stayed with them for the whole time I was there... but they needed to fend for themselves, so it was no good me keeping feeding them as they would rely on me to keep doing it. Was so hard to walk away from them...

 

You are loved, so very very much.

 

Your Scrat

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

A little bit out of kilter this evening - again been doing some more work as I am going to need the money soon...

 

Am in awe of how you are taking this whole thing. I would go as far as to say that we are a lot to do with what we go through down here. I am a firm believer that we decide what needs to be done. Of course we have free will as our human counterparts, so there is potential to change our course that we had planned for ourselves before we came here. I think God is there to help us stick to what we decided for ourselves. You have acknowledged a lot of what we are here for and doing a damn fine job of spreading the love and I am sure you are where you need to be and that you are being guided as needed. As difficult as that is...

 

So difficult to look back on the length of withdrawal - it is something that can only be known in retrospect. But you are passed the point of no return I think. It is going to be better for you to stay where you are and not succumb to going back on another dose. I think it might do more harm in the long run with the spike that it will cause after the period of time you have been without it.

 

Really glad to hear that today has been better. I was sure that something would come along soon. I prayed something similar for you as I did for Gail - and I was so glad to hear of Gail's moment of relaxation. It can make the difference - just that time out to remind you that you are still able to see the positives in life - that there is a purpose for us all. 

 

Another big congrats for you man... so much time in the field. I can hardly blame you though. With all this work, I would do so well to be there to get the impetus to go out and get more sun. 

 

I had to see a client today for a couple of hours, and then another came to me for another hour. Then a massive shopping trip - so it has very much been a normal day. Wouldn't know it was lockdown time at all, apart from wearing my mask everywhere. The downside was that my bloody clutch has started to go in the car. Not a job that I can do unfortunately. Too much to do on a driveway without a ramp and a second pair of hands... but £400 parts and £600 labour. I am very disheartened to be earning all this good money from this new job and already it is disappearing. Not nearly as easy to do the work knowing that I am paying for something like that

 

Was really looking forward to treating myself for all the work... but we can't have it the way we want it all the time....

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless