2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Gailage.... and LDN... as a lot of this applies to you both

 

I want to thank you so much. I was reading my saved forum posts in my inbox. A lot are from you. And I woke up with more depression and I was reading through them all. All your messages, your "corners", the one about the little chapel, LDN falling from the cloud and flying without wings. I have all these saved for moments like now as they really help me. You have no idea just how much they do. You are an earth angel Gailage, and LDN a brother angel too. 

 

I had another two clients today - one came to see me - we didn't care about the damn rules anymore. I think he is also suffering depression. His wife died and he lives alone, so for him, he needs company, so I of course told him to come to my flat. We helped each other. The second client was over Skype, but also better than sitting around.

 

Also... Mrs Scrat did the shopping AGAIN! She has really risen to the challenge here. I am earning the money, and she goes to spend it. She was gone for 45 minutes walking to the shop and back. Again, she had some bad anxiety moments, but if she can keep these up, it will really help her. I worry that my anxiety will come back if I don't though!! But after my two clients, I still didn't have much energy, so it was probably best.

 

I am sure Gailage that this will toughen you in the same way. You are tough already to be continually coming back onto the forum when you are having so much trouble. I hope the large split raisins are not too painful today. Please keep us all updated.

 

LDN please thank your mum for her prayers - and of course your own. I am staying stable enough to work at the moment, and am eating as I should, but still so fragile. There are times when I could feel the really bad stuff right round the corner and I am right on an edge with it. These are the times where I just cling to my faith. Remembering that this whole thing is here for a reason. 

 

You have also been in my prayers for your withdrawal thinking just how difficult it must be following previous withdrawals and the trials they bought for you. It is easy to tell yourself not to assume that the same will not happen, but in these states, your brain is fixed to the same radio station... negative FM. Try as you might, but sometimes, it is impossible not to be swamped by it. I ask those above to give you the strength to go through this with everything else that is going on. For you to, like me, keep your faith in the forefront of you mind, and for your family to everything they can - and also for their own physical and mental safety. 

 

I can well believe about the lamp!! This is like when I have hit Mrs Scrat in my sleep before. Sometimes I remember, other times I don't even wake and I am told about it in the morning...

 

So all three of us musketeers are feeling scared and very vulnerable. We need to continue prayers and thoughts for each other. It sure is tough, but it is one day, one hour, or even one minute at a time. Another 21 days for me to count down before I hopefully get some freedom back. By the grace of God, we will all make it through...

 

Much love to you both brother and sister

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother 1st day on zero today. Last night was my first night taking nothing. I actually fell asleep straight away even though I was nervous. Then I had my therapist 1st thing which went well, then some instagram stuff and meditation. It was going ok but then I dropped my alarm clock before my siesta and it broke. Such a small thing but it totally hit me like a brick. I just felt so upset. I don't even know why? But I just thought 'why did this happen??'. I then had very bad anxiety as I was trying to sleep, which obviously got me scared. Then I woke and felt very fragile. I then tried to fix my alarm clock for over an hour and so nearly did it but I couldn't do it. I felt completely broken. I just so wanted to get it out of the way. Now I have it hanging over me. I still feel really upset about dropping it and so so annoyed at myself. Which is so absurd but I guess just me being super fragile. 

 

Tonight I have been so depressed. Just such self hating thoughts. My self esteem is taking a beating. I feel such a failure and just generally so bad about myself. I really have a problem with my abusive thoughts. It is like erosion, horrible thought after horrible thought just wears you down and down. It is really like someone is shouting in my face 'your a failure', 'you are aren't good enough', 'your disgusting', 'you have talent', 'you are terrible at everything you do'. Damn it is tiring to have to face this!! 

 

Great you saw 2 clients again! And one in person! Fantastic! Really well done man! 

 

And massive congratulations about your wife!! Sensational!! Please pass on my huge congratulations to her!! Amazing exposure!! She should feel so proud of herself!! 

 

Ok man my head feels weird and I feel so fragile. The trauma of my last withdrawal is haunting me right now. 

 

All I can do in this moment is put my self in the hands of the lord!! 

 

I am going to praying for you dear brother and you inspire with your bravery and courage every day!! 

 

Love you brother!! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Coucou Gail! 

 

Bravo from me! SO brave!! Jesus will guide you through this my love!! 

 

I am in a bad place tonight my love - depression and withdrawal effects. My head feels weird. I feel fragile. I feel unbalanced. The trauma of my last withdrawal is hitting hard. 

 

Prayers for HOPE to you my love!! I have been praying!! 

 

Dreaming of Jesus and Heaven!! 

 

I love you so much my hero Gail! My brave superstar Gail!!! 

 

Love you so much and God Bless!! 

[gail]

London,

You are right that Jesus is guiding me through this whole party. Morning, day and night. I often touch my God stone.

And for you my love, prayers for you to get through this phase. And up the hill we go...joy awaits us all London. How I wish it would be sooner than later.

Courage and strength for all. With love my Prince!

I hadn't read your post before replying my sweet, I understand your fragility, but as you often said, take hope cause nothing lasts. A spiritual being experimenting human life. Joy is waiting my love.

[gail]

Scrat, how do you save messages to your inbox(whatever that is)? I would like to do the same as you, it would help me. Thank you!

I am also counting the days till the Radiotherapy does it's job of shrinking those big bubbles. I start Friday, perhaps tomorrow, and I can't wait. Five treatments, then after ten days, the shrinkage begins. It could be earlier with chance. So counting the days just like you my dearest friend.

Mrs Scrat is doing pretty good. Congrats from my part also. Prayers continues. Lovage.

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

I get notifications through to my email (I use Outlook) when there is a reply to a topic that I follow, and if I feel the reply will help me in times of need, I keep that notification instead of deleting it. It has worked so well for me over the last few days.

 

So glad the treatment is so soon now! The relief you will have! I am so happy for you and so proud for you going through all of this crazy pain. You have of course been in my prayers and you know there will be spirits around you at these times. We might not be able to see them, but they are there...

 

Mrs Scrat thanks you!! But she still doesn't think she has done anything amazing... similar to dear LDN, it is a self esteem thing.

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

Congratulations on hitting zero!! Amazing! Well done! Let's just acknowledge that for a moment, despite the other stuff. You have got there. Let's just let the next few days play out and for the symptoms to level out. I hope for your sake they do so quickly. 

 

Now what you said about the alarm clock - I really understand that feeling. In fact I had it just the other day in the middle of all this depression. I was getting some special K and I knocked the measuring spoon as I moved it to the mug and a bit of powder fell on the floor. That was all it took. I too felt so upset. I paid for that. I needed that. I can't pick it up and use it now. Why me? Why now? You do feel so broken like you say and I could so easily have just started crying. Does that sound like the alarm clock scenario? 

 

The other part of the depression you are describing sound so much like Mrs Scrat. Very much. And just so you know... you replied to Mrs Scrat last night on Insta! She has been following your work for a while now, but your latest moved her to write a comment.

 

I had my therapy today and she did all she could, but getting the impression that there isn't much that can be done at the moment. She is telling me to stop being so hard on myself and to say that whatever I decide to do or not do at the moment... that it is OK. She is right of course. I'm just very worried about the state I will be in after these three weeks are up. If things were lifted now, I would get back in a few days, but it really does worry me that another 20 days and the damage will be more permanent. 

 

I also had one student - the kid - so I got out. Felt a bit of anxiety just before going out as I had been inside for four days, but it soon left. But the depression was still looming. It is tolerable, but it sure isn't nice. I just look forward to the evenings when it usually gets a bit better.

 

Anyway - keep me updated on the withdrawal after the last dose - my prayers will continue.

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! As you will see timing is all over the shop!! Struggling with time management due to mental claustrophobia!!

 

Speaking of which my mental claustrophobia is bad right now so will have to be short, will properly fill you in tomorrow. 

 

Last night very tough. I had anxiety all though the night, so was in and out of sleep. I couldn't sleep too deeply. Then woke to anxiety and it has been there basically all day. I feel fragile. I feel scared! My mind feels like it is melting at times. Obviously the trauma is hovering. 

 

I had over an hour in the field and that was brilliant. Worked really hard on some relaxing and positive thought patterns. Going over my situation in a spiritual context. That helped me a lot. Reminding myself this is a dream I will wake up from. This is just a bad trip. This is just chemistry in a body that is merely a shell for my soul. That I have plan and I will trust God and let it play out. Try and embrace this different state of consciousness. Feel the anxiety, don't run from it. Feel it. Flow. Trust where God is taking me. 

 

Ah man I actually just tonight realised it was your wife!! What a lovely lovely comment she left me!! Before I knew it was her I had been thinking about that comment last night and today!! It meant so much! It made my day!! Please can you tell her she made my day with her words and they meant the world to me!! Was I think the nicest comment I have ever got!! 

 

What you describe with the Kratom is EXACTLY what I felt with my alarm clock. I almost cried. 'Why me?' and 'what have done to deserve this?' going through my head. 

 

And well done for getting out today!! 

 

Praying and so is my mum! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Gail! 

 

Oh I am so happy you are starting so soon!!! Fantastic news!! I will be praying for you! Praying it goes well and praying for HOPE!! 

 

Yes Jesus is guiding you! I also touch my God stone every night before bed! My protection and comfort!

 

I had a real nice time in the sun on the hill today, otherwise tough, but the hill was with the sun was lovely!! 

 

Ok my love, I love you and praying!! 

 

You are so brave!! 

 

Love and joy and peace is coming!! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Scrat, thank you, now I understand.

FYI, garages are opening Monday as it is considered an essential service. Maybe Boris could have a chat with M Trudeau.

Construction workers back on the job Monday also. With a lot of protocols for each group.

This is great news and could be for you. Lovage

[gail]

Coucou London,

In the middle of my morning crying, you jumped straight into my mind. I felt ok afterwards. Our depression is different, mine is made of fear, thoughts go by so fast. The fear of my medical future for example, the What ifs, lots of anxiety in this. Early morning thoughts that go away after I take my meds.

During the day, those thoughts don't bother me, rarely,I don't think about it. So you jumped into my mind and I thought how similar our anxiety thoughts were maybe
different, but in a way so suffering.
Like when you go through that period of a abusive thoughts.

That stopped me in my track, and how now I understand you. A bonus.

That's been going on for the last weeks.

Thanks for being there my Prince! Much love!

[invalidusername]

Hi Gailage,

 

Construction workers and garages have never been closed here in the UK! Where the work is considered to be needed, such as car repair, the businesses can remain open.

 

Our health minister was on the TV this morning and got very angry when he was asked why they are not telling us what we can expect in the future. I don't like this. We are all kept in the dark. I mean how difficult is it to say... "once the infections drop 1500, we will be doing x,y and x"? 

 

Six weeks is such a long time. Even Italy only had 5 weeks before they starting lifting - and they were meant to be the worst in the world. Spain starting lifting after just 4 weeks. 

 

I know I said I am counting the days (20 to go), but the problem with the UK is that you never know what is going to happen. 

 

Hope you day is going well. Not knowing whether it is today or tomorrow that you are having treatment, but I know you will let us know when you can. Am thinking and praying for you my sweet

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I'll get the rant out the way quickly as my timing is just as off as your own as you can see! So it is official that we have another 3 weeks, but the public have gone crazy over the fact that we STILL do not have an exit strategy. What are the government actually doing aside from making us stay at home? The NHS is being helped out by the public and funded by people doing sponsored events. It really is pissing me off. Plus the fact that they took 3 whole days to decide on the extension - they will do the same again on the 7th May, meaning we end up with a whole extra week of lockdown. 

 

I know the days are going down, but we still cannot be sure where the finish line is. It is all very well me waking up tomorrow and thinking "19 days to go" - but is it?! As I said to Gailage, the rest of Europe will have had less of a lockdown than us, and Spain and Italy were meant to be the worst - they won't - we will be... and the government are going to look like a bunch of f*cktards when our death toll is higher and yet we had a long lockdown.

 

You can tell I am angry!!! But I hate being out of control - the least that could be done is some idea of what is going to be done. They KNOW we cannot stay in lockdown indefinitely.

 

I am really sorry to hear that your mental claustrophobia is still hanging around. I guess now that you aren't putting any more in your system, this is when it will be crying out the most. I expect the anxiety is all fed by the same. Of course you are scared. These are really testing times for you with the trauma side of things. 

 

I really do not know what to say as you are the one person I know who would have the best idea as to how to approach this sort of thing! You did all you could to prepare for it, and you have done so well to get to zero. Prayers continue of course. This is the best I can do from this end. 

 

You sure have got the anxiety right though. Just let it be. Even I had a wobble when I went to post one of my books. It was a 12 minute round trip to the post box and back and on my own. The anxiety was there all right, but I was just saying to myself "we've been here many times before - and we know the drill. Freak out if you want, I'm still doing what I have to". I need to do more walking as I can feel the anxiety coming back more. I know it will take hold some more over the next 19 days (!), but I want that hold to be as minimal as possible. 

 

The depression is something else though. This morning I woke and just wanted to fall back to sleep. It was the sadness side of depression - not as bad as the other stuff, but still not nice. I woke and just starting missing all my clients, the excitement of finding bargains in the supermarket, driving my car, being with my parents, seeing the cat... I really miss all this stuff. I don't mind telling you, I had a bit of a cry soon after.

 

So let me know how day 2 off the stuff has gone... I'm here for you.... despite my anger and sadness, I am here....

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother firstly more mental claustrophobia and again I messed up my timings!!!!! So annoying!!!!! But I have to be kind to myself in this period of immediate withdrawal. But so sorry for my being short today but I have a massive headache and it has got so late again!!! I can't really cope with screens right now. 

 

I am with 100% on everything you say about the government. Couldn't agree more with every word. Taken the words out of my mouth. How on earth do you end up with the worst death toll plus longest lockdown? I feel for you so much. So so much. I can't bear it to be honest. Also I am so happy Boris made it, so happy, but there have been over 10,000 deaths, so lets not celebrate too much!! All lives are equal! 

 

Again it is really out of our control, but I wish I could do more to help. All I can say is you are doing superb. Absolutely superb! This is the 'ultimate exposure' and you are doing brilliant! Bring in that self compassion! Remember every day right now is a massive exposure! Just getting through the day is a great triumph!! 

 

Last night i slept better than the night before and woke less anxious. Spend some time in the field and lots of sun! Rain is apparently coming! Saw a falcon, which was beautiful! Went over my teachings! Then had a bit of anxiety while I was trying to fall asleep for my siesta. Since then been ok, but headache and just a bit weird to be honest. Plus that trauma making me feel on my toes! 

 

I am praying and so is my mum! 

 

We will make this together brother! I am here for you always!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless! 

[LDN]

Coucou Gail! 

 

Yes I have these terrible abusive thoughts. Very painful. I have had them for years. Just part of my depression. Thank you for your kind words of support! 

 

I am praying for you with all my heart! Really hope this all goes well!! Praying for HOPE as well! My mum is praying as well! 

 

You are so brave!! BRAVO! 

 

I am always here for you!! We are in this together! 

 

Love you my Princess! God Bless!

[gail]

Hello Scrat,

You remind me of the real Scrat, I WANT MY NUT NOW, NOT ON MAY 7 TH!
Since garages are essential services, why is it that you can't work? Because you are self employed? Does not make sense.

It was decided yesterday in Canada that it was essential. Same as construction workers. Different government different views. We will be in lock down for a while. For people like myself, I don't mind. But for you, on the other side, it's a question of mental health. There is nothing more important than that for me also.

So I respect your anger my sweet, with love and prayers and lovage.

[gail]

To my Prince,

I have forgotten to thank your mom for the prayers, so many things on my mind my love.

How I appreciate you dear London, so much. So special. Glad to see that the hill is still working for you

I have one request, that the bubbles shrink rapidly. Or still that they stop growing. A special prayer for this my love. As usual, you are in mine also just like Scrat.

I pray that we all get better soon, with love, your Canadian Princess. Xx

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

I am not considered an essential worker because what people can effectively carry on their lives without me. So unless it is a child and it can be considered as part of their education, all adults are excluded. That aside, a lot of clients are too worried about the virus despite there are about 1200 cases in Kent, which is about 1 in every 1400 people!! Not exactly worrying figures

 

The Tory government we have now has made such a mess of the NHS so they are doing whatever it takes to stop it collapsing, and the only way they can do that is to lock everyone up until they are sure it won't happen. That is their only plan. The UK lost "democracy" a long time ago. It sucks.

 

Still - what is the latest - have you had the first treatment? How did it go?

 

Prayers continue for you...

 

Much lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

No worries for the short reply. It is to be expected. Mine also might be similarly short as brain has been on the go for quite some time, although I did just come out with a very profound response about anxiety;

 

https://www.cymbalta...r-help/?p=92579

 

Anxiety is that simple, but never have I run the logic through on it - would you agree with what I wrote? I am open to your thoughts. It was because I had a call today from an unknown, thus new, client. They needed my services which was going to take most of the day, so I was over the moon. I have been out working all day - and then went and did shopping. Just like a normal day. It has been absolutely fantastic! 

 

The rain seems to have missed us so far, but as I am writing I am looking out to sea and there are some lightening flashes happening every once in a while, so maybe it will come this way, or just sod off to France. Wouldn't mind. I like a good storm especially as I won't be sleeping for another 4 hours.

 

I really hope the mental claustrophobia starts to ease a bit soon for you. I can't stand it at all. Is it still in bursts of time? Have they got any shorter? Are they usually around the same sort of time in the day perhaps when your body was used to getting the meds?

 

Oh, and many thanks for the PM. I will have a proper read tomorrow and respond - if you would be happy to pass it on to your dad for me...

 

And very lovely to have seen a falcon. I remember seeing one once in Scotland - they are HUGE!! Lucky sighting though - must have been a real moment for you. 

 

As always, prayers for the musketeers continue. Was saying them under my mask as I walked through Sainsburys earlier! Never a bad time to be talking to God... He can listen anywhere

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Spot on brother! Brilliant response! This is why I love quantum physics - the paradoxes!!!! Quantum physics shows that a really deep level things are NOT black and white. Yes Newtonian physics is but when you go deeper things look very very different. The implications of quantum physics haven't even touched the surface of mainstream consciousness. Everything we thought we knew is not what it seems - it is huge, but so many scientists are simply unable to comprehend the implications of quantum physics because they can't think outside of a Newtonian way of thinking. I have discussed this a lot with Lyme doctor. Quantum physics really is a mix of philosophy and science because it fundamentally changes how we view the world. Also it supports a spiritual assessment of the world, which is something many scientists can't comprehend. I have to say I know it sounds weird but reading about quantum physics really helped my depression and anxiety hugely. Along with my Buddhism. Like whenever I don't understand why my body is reacting in a certain way or why I am feeling something that doesn't seem logical I remember the paradox of light (it is both particles and waves - which should be impossible). Thinking in a dualistic structured way is very important for creating order and some form of society with laws and rules etc. but on a deeper level both scientifically and spiritually you have to look at things more holistically and with less rigidity. Sorry man you sent me off on one here!!! LOL!! None of this probably makes any sense at all LOL!! At least it is nice to some thoughts rather than the desert my mind often has been recently!! Again sorry this LOL!! 

 

But as I say completely agree with what you wrote! Wanting answers when they are not available and not being able to accept that situation. 

 

Fantastic you went out to see a client today, and for the whole day!! That is great to hear!! So so happy about that! I did see the government said if you mental health problems you could go out for more than once a day, a few times a day. Also people who are autistic and have learning difficulties. Also they have said that if you have a row in the house you are allowed to go out and see a friend to let off steam!! So you could just use that as an excuse if you wanted!! 

 

Yeah I can't cane be sure it was a falcon, but I don't think it was an eagle, and it was up really high! I watched it fly off till it was out of sight but it was beautiful to watch it hang as it did some circles. Like Gail it made me want to have wings! 

 

Today and last night ok. Really tired both physically and mentally but anxiety is ok. Just feel weak in general. Must be beautiful looking out to sea and seeing the lighting. It was rainy today but I don't mind. Mental claustrophobia normally comes on in the evening around when I get on the forum. I have got a bit of that tired and wired feeling as well, which is really difficult to manage. 

 

Absolutely get back to me once you have read the PM with any questions!! 

 

I am praying!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

COUCOU GAIL!! 

 

Oh my love I was praying for you today!! Thinking of your first day of the treatment! I am so in awe!! You are so brave!! I really pray this goes well and then you can relax!! 

 

For you it has been one thing after another for so long, I can relate to this so so much!! It is so draining! But you have a special and beautiful bond with Jesus! It is beautiful to see! To see someone who you see Jesus in them!! That is a true joy and pleasure my love!! 

 

I appreciate beyond words my special friend!! Always being inspired by you!! 

 

I will be praying for your bubbles my love!! 

 

So much love to my Canadian Princess!! From your Prince!! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Scrat, one happy fellow here. Happy for you and hope it continues. Lovage

[gail]

My Prince London, tablet is acting up again. Thank you for your prayers. It went real well yesterday. Next is Monday 8am. Love you and love you. Your words are a blessing to me. Love

[invalidusername]

Scrat, one happy fellow here. Happy for you and hope it continues. Lovage

 

You sound exhausted and in need of rest my dear... I hope you are doing just that. 

 

I am very happy to have had two very nice days in a row in the middle of this lockdown. But I haven't forgotten my prayers. They will keep coming until I hear that good news of shrinkage.... and less pain for LDN's Canadian Princess...

 

Lovage

 

Forever your Scrat

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

That was quite a paragraph to wake up to!! But I read it through all the same. You should be careful talking like that to someone in academia!! You'll have me digging out all my old books, when I am already behind on my research as it is!!

 

Glad to hear that the anxiety calmed a bit for you. Weak isn't too much of a burden when it isn't accompanied by mental stresses. Again I hope to hear that the mental claustrophobia dissipates as well for you soon. Don't loose sight of what you have done in coming off this drug and going through another withdrawal. I can see that the trauma of those previous has really been a factor here, and no matter how much you try to not let it get to you, I can see how difficult it must be. Well, as you know, I should be coming off my Citalopram but am too scared!! But then just imagine... I started that in March when I was going to dive in... and then this damn virus bollocks comes along!! I think I really dodged a bullet there!!

 

Well, I am also glad to report a second really good day. Days have been good overall considering what is going on, but today I almost forgot about it. I had another call for work which took a couple of hours - on my way out, I saw three of my neighbours and had a good chat (at distance of course). The work went well, and more at ease with the extra money. Then got a bit of shopping for my parents and went to have some tea in the garden and the cat for an hour which was great. I even did an hour of work on the car which I had been putting off... It really has been amazing under the circumstances. Gives me a lot of hope when stuff like this can happen in the middle of an epidemic... Need to just let the days play out as they will and not be discouraged by the odd downturn here and there. It is how I got back out of the darker times in the first place.

 

Unfortunately, the storm didn't get any closer which was a shame. I watched it drift off over to the French/ Belgium border.

 

Right, need to drop you a quick PM, so will sign off here...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Tough day for me. Woke up to pretty bad anxiety. The anxiety stayed and then depression came along as well. I was in the field and felt like crying. Been close to tears all day. This reminded me of the duloxetine withdrawal and how that made you cry, so that brought some trauma back. Generally all day I have felt very very on edge. Just the trauma of last time out really is heavy. What happened was so horrific that I never thought i would ever try and come off another drug again. So this me really in deep end here. 

 

The anxiety reduced a bit but I feel very depressed tonight. I felt really flat in the field. I was going over my teachings but they weren't sticking. That is such a bad state where you can tell yourself reassuring things but it doesn't matter, as if my brain was saying 'I feel awful and that's it'. I wasn't worrying about anything just felt bad, so I guess reassuring myself wouldn't make as much difference. It was like 'ok this won't last but i don't care, I feel bad NOW and that is all that matters'. 

 

I just tried to not change my behaviour because of it. Just carry on with what I am doing, and just let it be there. Not try and avoid it but not change my routines, just carry on as normal. 

 

I feel close to tears right now and very very empty. Plus a bit of mental claustrophobia. This is all chemical so I have to just let it play out. I have really struggled with my self esteem. The depression I have had recently is giving me a such a tough time. My confidence is very low right now. Don't have that zest. Feel really really negative about myself. It is tough to be honest. 

 

I feel incredible fragile. Like the smallest thing is so irritating or might make me cry. Just this feeling of being massively on edge. Feeling really unstable. my body is all tense. My outside veneer is very calm but everything is annoying me on the inside. 

 

Sheep have now come back to the field. But they have pooed all over my meditation space. Plus there are loads of these weird gold coloured flies that come to the poos. So on top of the rooks pooing everywhere there is know sheep crap everywhere LOL!! 

 

So so happy about your day!!! Brilliant! I had a feeling today when I prayed for you, that you might be having a good one! So I am delighted my intuition was right!! So so pleased!! You should be immensely proud as I have been saying! So you had a client and then went to your parents and had a cuppa and then did some work on the car - fantastic! I know how much that would have meant to you seeing you parents! Plus I know what pleasure working on the car brings you so delighted about that! And you say the cat oh lovely!! Plus you did some shopping for them - brilliant effort! 

 

You should take so much hope that you can have a day like this in the middle of the epidemic!! That just shows how far you have come!! It really is a fantastic achievement! Exactly don't let the odd bad patch get you down. I said something similar to myself today in the field. I was really frustrated with my time management last night and not getting reading in. But I said to myself in the field, I am going to get things perfect and so i might as well just be at peace with that truth now, rather than going over it every time I feel I have made a mistake. I will get things next week and then the week after etc. - be at peace with it now and then when it happens I just accept it as I was expecting it anyway. 

 

Really great to hear you sounding so well!! 

 

Praying!

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Coucou Princess of Canada!!! 

 

BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO! 

 

Your 1st day done! I am so proud!! So so proud of you!! Amazing my love!! What an exposure! 

 

I was praying for you yesterday and thinking of you on the 1st day!! 

 

I am SO HAPPY it went well! A BIG PAT ON THE BACK for this massive exposure! You are my inspiration!! 

 

You are such a brave person! I am in awe of you!! 

 

Have a lovely rest day tomorrow my love!!

 

I will keep praying of course! 

 

I love you so much! Your Prince!

 

God Bless!

[gail]

My sweet London,

Thank you for your words.i woke up in panic feeling those big bubbles. So big and so gross. It's something to have it in another part of the body, but in the mouth, in back and front, ultimate exposure for me.

I'm so fragile when I get up, when this is over, I will jump and fly sky high to embrace my Jesus. Just hope it shrinks to a tolerable size. Oh, and that ≤¢€≥≤ doctor, no reassurance for one bit. Unbelievable cold young woman. My doctor almost fell on her knees when she heard my cold cucumber story.

As FH says, most radio oncologist are cold like that. High rate divorce, God knows that it's not what we need in those times of tribulations. And a husband does not need this either.

Love you my Prince, haven't read your post yet, needed to rant first. Done. Love, much love.

[gail]

Scrat, so nice to see you happy. Just don't forget those days, write them down. So when a bad patch shows up, it'll be good to remind yourself of these days, we forget so easily.

I am too looking forward to the shrinkage of my bubbles. 10 days after the last treatment, perhaps before! Lovage.

[gail]

London,

My prayers are with you my love, it should abate soon like my bubbles. We can just wait and pray. Much love and strength my sweet. Love you.