2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

So today was better. Therapy went really well. Was actually able to connect and feel present. Such a nice change! Physically feel very very weak but it comes and goes. In a lot of discomfort.

 

Yeah your description of depersonalisation is spot on. Feeling like living on a different planet to everybody else. Do you know how it is usually treated? I'm not sure if it is my drugs numbing me? The fact it is better some days than others makes me think it's more than just the drugs. I've never had it before. 

 

Never worry about being negative. You've got to get things off your chest. Also so sorry to hear you had a bad day. It is definitely not cheating, it's so important not to push yourself too much. You need some relief. In the long term it's better to do things slowly. In summer I came off over 3 weeks and just refused to go back on and get relief. Eventually I pushed myself too much and now I'm on more than started with. I learned the hard way, it's not a competition and having relief is certainly not cheating. It's important to build slowly. This is what I'm learning. Like you say self-compassion is key. You often seem to be very hard on yourself, if you don't mind me saying, when in fact your doing amazing! I recognise myself from last summer in you - everything had to be perfect and it was black and white. I just really want you to know that your doing so well. You have your job, caring for your wife and dealing with withdrawal. All I've got is too look after myself. I heard someone say 'If I treated others like I treat myself, I would have no friends'. This is something I worked on a lot with my therapist - self love. I just really hope you can realise how brave, strong and inspiring you are! You inspire me a lot. 

 

Re EMDR I've not had it, my but therapist does it, so maybe something in the future? I've heard great things about it. I can't wait till you can get your therapy. It sounds like your thoughts are very overwhelming. I've been there many times. Try and remember that there just thoughts. Fear feeds fear, so it's better to face up to the thoughts than try and escape them. I know it sounds hard but I find just letting them be helps a lot and not putting to much meaning on them. Have to read or studied Buddhism? I found it helped me mentally hugely. It really deals with thoughts and facing your fears. Very similar to CBT actually. 

 

Brian Weiss sounds very interesting. I hadn't actually heard of him, but just had a look. Which books do you suggest? Thanks for all your suggestions. Crazy timing since I was just getting interested in this area!! How long have you been studying this topic and what got you into it, if you don't mind me asking? I'm reading that William James which is really interesting. It's a very scientific approach, but is very open-minded as well. It's more just about conversions and religious experience than NDE etc. but still good. 

 

Yes lots and lots of prayers for our dear gail!!!!

 

Hope tomorrow is a good one for you. Such bravery you show, I'm a bit awestruck. 

 

Love and God Bless

[invalidusername]

So glad to hear that you had a better day. Hope you were able to gt a lot out of the meeting courtesy of the increased presence.

 

Regarding eh depresonalisation, I have been reading about how this is known to be a waking REM sleep cycle. It often occurs as a result of greatly reduced REM sleep, which as we all know readily occurs during times of increased stress and anxiety. The brain essentially needs this to function, so it will switch it on regardless of whether you are asleep or not, and it is when this is switched on that we experience the depersonalisation. Haven't got more than this at the moment, but I am hoping my studies into melatonin will pay dividends to this. Have you tried delayed release melatonin at all? This may be a rescue for the depersonalisation and perhaps some of the fatigue and weakness.

 

That was so nice what you said - about me doing all this stuff. I do not give myself a break - you are right. Holding down a job, studying, food shopping and looking after my wife while on withdrawal. I need to give myself a breather. You really made me think as I read it. I was judging myself on the pre-withdrawal days and getting upset that I have slipped a bit. I need some perspective here. I am sure once the sleep stuff sorts itself out, things will improve, but for now, I am having trouble seeing when this will get better.

 

But... don't sell yourself short! Your symptoms are worse than mine, and you are the one holding yourself in there. If I were doing something like your exposure each day, that would really be something. Sure, I do mini exposures every day, but what I really want is to get to do the bigger stuff, but what with all the meds rubbish, I don't want to put myself there yet. 

 

Today started off quite bad as I woke up early... again. I tried to distract myself, but I could hold up a book, or keep my eyes open. My only choice was to lay in bed and let my thoughts run riot for four hours. Scary. I got myself up and about and off to work and wasn't too bad as I was too tired to care about anything, but in the back of my mind is every morning I have yet to face which leaves me constantly feeling on edge and unable to relax. Goodness knows how I managed to be out and about for 6 hours!

 

I have an overview of Buddhism, but not as much as I would like. You have inspired me here - is there any book you might recommend? Speaking of which... as you enjoyed Testimony of Light so much, you absolutely have to read Everyone's guide to the hereafter by Ken Akehurst. In my opinion - it is even better than Testimony. And what is so encouraging is that the details are like for like. If there were differences between these sort of accounts it would raise questions as to the validity. But not these. It is very comforting. 

 

Regarding Brian Weiss, you need to read the first book - Many Lives, Many Masters. I have a digital copy which I can send. The details tend to get a little tedious towards the very end, but for the most part, it is a very interesting book.

 

I have been looking into this stuff for years. About 20 years ago, I trained as a parapsychologist. The qualification required me to look into all manner of things, and attend a lot of stuff too. I got to know a lot of very interesting people. I was also raised as a Christian, for which I am indebted to my parents for, but I questioned so much and didn't appreciate being told that I was not allowed to question. So I needed to find out for myself. My faith is still very sound, but would call myself a spiritualist more than a Christian, although the two paths share a lot of the same. 

 

Much love, and will look forward to hearing about your day!

[LDN]

So it's been hard. Shortly after I posted last night I passed out on the sofa, woke 50 mins later very very confused. This used to happen to me on the Lexapro I would pass out in the evening, or be so dopey it would be very hard to keep my eyes open, let alone read. It's why I stopped the Lexapro. I'm really scared about why it's come back, I've not started any new medication?? Tonight's been tough, struggling to keep my eyes open. Have to be constantly doing things, but then I haven't got the strength for that, so it's super stressful. Do push myself but trying to not dose off or do I spend all my time sleeping and be disorientated and scared. I've already slept 10 1/2 hours today yet right now I'm really struggling to keep my eyes open?? Would appreciate your help IUN. I think it must be some new reaction to the douloxetine, can't think what else. I was so hoping last night was a one off, but it's back tonight. If it stays things are going to get really really tough for me. I can't come off the douloxetine, if that's what's causing it, so I just stuck with this. I have to trust in God but this is a very scary development and I can't see much hope. 

 

Today I've been pretty depressed and basically feeling out of it as well. Also felt so so weak, my legs are aching. Feel like my body is rotting. 

 

Talk about side effects of drugs!!! Dear me. I just feel so stuck. My life is crumbling with this douloxetine poison but I know that I need it to keep my depression in check. I just feel so so stuck. I'm trying so hard to think a way out of it, everyday I'm doing all this mental arithmetic, but just can't find a solution. My life is awful on this douxoletine but without it at the the moment isn't an option - such scary situation. I've got get through the next 4 weeks somehow and then just hope the ketamine shakes things up. Even if the ketamine works, it'll take me ages to get off the douloxetine. The future right now is very painful for me to think about. Man life can really grinds you down. How much have I got left in the tank?? 

 

Sorry to hear about your night, that sounds horrific. I'm not sure how your coping to be honest. One of us can't sleep and other can't keep awake!!! Sorry for such a negative post but i'm very very scared. 

 

Ok that's some books for me to look forward to. Thanks! Do you still work in area similar to parapsychology? That amazing to have studied it. What a life story! I just opens your eyes to a completely new perspective on life! Re Buddhism I read a lot recently so not sure where to start. I read the Tao of Physics and that got me into it. Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh, is good  - it's about the similarities between Buddhism and Christianity. When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron is a nice mix of Buddhism and advice for adversity. The Joy of Living by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche is mix of Buddhism, psychology and physics. 

 

Not tried delayed release melatonin. Do you take it? My lyme disease doctor mentioned melatonin in higher doses helps reduce brain inflammation. 

 

Thank you for listening. It means so much. I hope your wife is doing ok. We've have to keep lifting each other up. I'm going to be praying for your sleep to sort itself. At least you had 7 hours the other day, hopefully that's a sign of things to come. If you could pray for me I appreciate that. Not sure where next to turn right now. Thanks again!! Speak tomorrow. 

 

God Bless

[fishinghat]

Studies have shown that delayed release melatonin does help with lengthening the sleep cycle but also tends to leave the patient "drugged' feeling in the morning. Remember, your body gets acclimated to melatonin and it will stop working for you so it should not be used daily.

[invalidusername]

Hmmm. This passing out is a concerning one. Lexapro did some really wierd stuff to me too, but not that. However, that said, when my stress levels got to a really high point, I used to black out for a while. It is the brains way of protecting us from it all. Just like I do not remember side-swiping the motorway barrier at 50mph... I blacked out just before as I knew what was going to happen. I do think this is the case. The brain is shutting off your faculties to protect itself. Short of having an MRI and a very good neurologist, it will be difficult to diagnose and the stress of going through all that might only make matters worse. I'd say eyes on the prize of the Ketamine. I have big hopes for you with this. I really think this will be a turning point for you. Don't worry about coming off the Dulox. That will take care of itself, and with the Ketamine to help you through it, a slow and steady taper will work just fine. 

 

What you say about the "mental arithmetic" is so close to home for me! I do it all day! If we knew the answer, we wouldn't be in the state we are in! But even so, we do it all the same. We always paint the future in a painful sense - part and parcel of the condition. It really is a curse. A prison sentence. You begin to loose any sight of continuing. 

 

I woke up to a nasty feeling of dread and have had relentless depression all bloody day. I couldn't do anything when I woke - despite the melatonin working and giving me 7 and a half hours sleep. Why on earth was I not feeling positive?! I could barely even Google for symptoms. I was sitting looking out the window being attacked by my thoughts. I went out to work - was going to be around 4 hours - I thought what do I have to loose. I at least did not have any anxiety. The distraction of work did not help. Got home and again, just could do nothing. Man, this is painful. Around midnight it started to lift, but great - just in time to sleep and have it all start over again. NotMyself has been a doll and talked me through some of the crap this evening.

 

Just a heads up about the melatonin. It is quite likely that the 5mg dose I took caused the depression today by the depletion of dopamine. It is a documented phenomena. I just hope that it will avate during tomorrow - but this also means I have to face the morning insomnia again. Just can't win. 

 

I do not work in the parapsychology area any more. I am in language research, so it doesn't get a lot of time. I have noted the books you suggested and will have a look over the weekend and choose one to start with. 

 

Needless to say, you are always in my prayers and thoughts. As I said, the next stop is the ketamine. You are pioneering this for so many - not just the forum, but I think we need to set you up with a new topic to document this. I am sure I speak for many to say how exciting this is. Part of me is kind of jealous!! LOL. To know that this stuff has the capability to irradicate depression. How amazing would that be! Over 50% say this is the case (or almost competely gone). Wow. The other 30-35% note positive effects. So let not consider the 15% or so that didn't get the benefits. The odds are very much stacked in your favour. I really hope I am able to give you some direction - as hard as things are for you at the moment. We really are in this together, and I will be with you every step of the way....

 

God Bless you my friend.

[LDN]

Lovely words thank you my friend. Not sure how much more I can take. Reading in the evening was my escape. It's about the one thing i can do and now with this drowsiness I can't even do that. Last night I just kept falling asleep, just couldn't keep my eyes open! Then when you open your eyes you can't remember what you were just reading before dowsing off. I had exactly this on Lexapro, it's the reason I stopped it. Once I stopped I was fine, back to usual. I just don't understand what's going on now. I've not started anything new. I've got to just give this a few more days sample size but it's not looking good. 

 

Also just another day of not being connected. My body feels horrific. This drug is hell. My brain feels rotting, my body feels rotting. It's slowly destroying me. My sound sensitivity is also very painful at the moment. All in all things are rough. So sorry to be negative, but since Wed night things have been bad. 

 

We'll see what happens with the ketamine. Frustratingly, I was meant to start in 2 weeks but because of bank holiday on 27th, I have to wait till beginning of June, so 4 weeks from Monday. It's going to be a long 4 weeks. I appreciate what you say but I bet I'll end up as one of the 15%. It's been the way for me. When I had ECT I was so excited, it works for 75% of patients. My doctor was raving about it. After the 1st 2 treatments I felt amazing, basically cured. It was like magic, incredible. The doc told me those who have a good early reaction almost always find it fully works for them. Things were looking beautiful. Then after the 3rd treatment I went back to what I was like at the beginning, the good had been reversed. I had 15 in all but never got back the feeling I felt after the 1st 2. I was devastated, my doc was so shocked, said he had never seen anything like it. My family was so upset, they had seen me pretty much cured and then revert, can you imagine how that felt? So I'm not expecting anything from ketamine. Yes it's a completely different treatment but I when your lucks out your lucks out. I can't deal with the disappointment if it doesn't work. If it works great, but I'm not expecting it to. 

 

What I can say for sure is helping is your support. Trust me, you and gail are in my thoughts basically all day. Everything you write always hits home. On top of everything else you have to deal with, to be helping me out is simply incredibly kind of you. I hope I'm not dragging you down or a nuance. You have so much wisdom and it's a pleasure learning from you. Your really giving me a lifeline right now, just wish I could pay you back some how!! This world is tough, but filled with some incredible people, and you are right up there!! It's people like you who are what life is all about. True and pure love and kindness. As I say you are giving me so much strength right now, and I only wish I could do more myself!!

 

Sounds like you have been through so much today! Sorry the last thing you need is me being so down. I really apologise. Well done for getting to work, that's a great achievement, even though it didn't really help, it shows huge bravery. By sounds of things you are being bombarded by thoughts, I had that for years. Right now I'm so out of it, my brain just too slow for many thoughts. It's so tough when your brain is attacking you with thoughts from all directions. By the sounds of it you are holding strong. Well done. I definitely think working on mindfulness and Buddhist techniques could help a lot, it certainly has for me. 

 

Language research sounds interesting, is that at a university? 

 

Good luck with the sleep and depression tomorrow. Sorry if this post is so self-centred. Not quite with it today!! 

 

Love and peace being sent your way!! 

 

God Bless brother

[gail]

Hi there London,

I got you in my prayers. You are right about life, in our conditions. No advice to give you, except try to let it be. States of mind varies day after day. Love to you London.

[invalidusername]

I am glad that you find something in our messages and the forum. I certainly do, and it has got me through some very dark times. So - how was the drowsiness today? Ironically my Lexapro shakes came back today. Over three weeks off and they had stopped almost as soon as I went CT. So whilst I don't have an answer for you, I can tell you that these drugs have the ability to come back and bite you sqare on the ass!!

 

Strange how we both started going downhill on the Wed night? It's like we are linked somehow! Whilst this morning wasn't much better, I dragged myself out and went to see my friend for a couple of hours and although I was very uneasy whilst there, I felt much better once home and had a partially relaxing evening. Sinerely hope it is a precursor for what is to come.

 

I know the next 4 weeks are going to seem like a year for you waiting for the infusions to kick off, and try your best to think positively of the odds. I know there is not a lot to speak of in terms of luck in your previous endeavours, but it has got to change somewhere! I honestly cannot think that it will do just... nothing. As for the ECT, I really don't like to think about it. You were so brave to have gone through with it. I only know one other person who went through with it, and I cannot listen to her relating the story. How on earth did doctors discover that this was a way forward for mental health?! But just to ask, is it the same deal as with the Ketamine in that you have treatments every couple of weeks or so for the ECT? Did you feel it start to wear off after a time? It still fascinates me.

 

You have no reason to apologise for writing what you do. We can both look at each others problems of the day, as it were (!), with a fresh perspective and help each other. Really good to have our third musketeer back with too!! 

 

My research is indeed through University. I am one of the perpetual student types. Learning calms me! I have a few strange qualifications under my belt from previous years

 

I have found a whole bunch of other books over the last 24 hours from various sites. When I have finished downloading them all, I will put them all up somewhere for you to download. All a similar theme to those that we have been talking about, and it is really comforting to read about this kind of thing. Among a world of insanity, trouble and zero justice, we can be assured of our Heavenly home awaiting us, where we WILL discover our purposes for this life. One day, I'll invite you over to my lake-front home facing the Halls of Records in their pearly white splendour.. All my cats will be there waiting for me. We can look back on these days of messaging wondering what on earth (no pun!) we were doing here!!

 

Brightest Blessings

 

p.s. Had ANOTHER sign today. My friend I went to see had just come back from her jog, and her new active attire was from some company that had "LDN" written down the sides. Twice this has happened now! It's lovely...

[LDN]

Hi Gail!!!

 

Been thinking of so much! I was crying thinking about your suffering! But also tears of joy at your beautiful beautiful soul!! You have a very strong emotional effect on me! You have a HUGE heart!! I really missed you! 

 

I love you gail! You are an angel!!

[LDN]

Lovely story strange that it has happened twice now!! Fantastic stuff about your job, I love learning as well but since my illnesses it's had to be from my sofa not uni!! Happy your saw your friend, even though it was tough! It's shows a lot of motivation on your behalf. Well done for doing it. The easy option would be to just not risk it. Lets keep pushing each other on!

 

I walked all the way to main road today, in busy London. In fact I had 1st walked to it 2 days ago, but the magnitude of what I did really hit home today. Just surreal, but in a very good way. Literally done nothing like this since 2013. Can't quite believe what a bit of therapy, spiritual reading and this forum have done to me. 6 years of not leaving the house unless I had to, and now I go out every day. Not many things going well but this exposure therapy is going brilliant! A real ray of light in these dark dark times. Also not only did I do it, but I enjoyed it, it was so liberating! As I say just so so happy to be entering this new world, when you've been cut off for so long the world feels alien but also an adventure. Funny how just walking to the end of the road is a mad adventure for me, but there you go. If I could ask IUN, in my very down moments please could you remind me of these exposures, as you'll know when things get really bad you can't think positive. 

 

Drowsiness was better last night, but not great tonight. Also, my douloxetine makes me fall asleep about 2 hours after taking it, so I have a 2 hour nap, but the last few days and particularly today I didn't sleep so deeply as usual. It definitely feels like it's playing around and breaking it's usual habits. Welcome to the world of drugs I guess! 

 

Re ECT you have at least 12 treatments, usually I think 2 times a week. If it works you go back for top ups. It's still widely used and does apparently have amazing results. Have to say after the 1st 2 I did feel amazing, so I guess it's like that for those it works on. The big thing is the memory loss, took me a good few months to get over it. Nothing too scary, but did forget what the end of my street looked like!! I got pretty lucky really, can wipe off years. 

 

Just thanks so much for being here IUN! Honestly means so so much! You give so much out in energy, love, positivity, strength! It's been a real gift to meet you. I always say God has his plan, I give myself up to him. Well I thank him so much for blessing me with finding you on here. I just hope I can give a bit back your way. I've been crying out to meet someone of your spiritual intelligence and wisdom, it's amazing timing!

 

I'm going to hold you to that invite LOL!! I'm looking forward to the view!! I love cats as well. You got me excited now! Something to look forward to! 

 

So happy our 3rd musketeer is back as well!!! 

 

Thanks again my man and I hope I'm not being too needy. 

 

Love and God Bless

[gail]

Thank you London for your compassion, your empathy. They say that what you admire in one person, that you yourself possess. You can't recognize in one if you don't allready have it.

What is the hall of records? I'm inviting myself to that celestial place. We'll be so busy admiring, contemplating God's work to even think about the hell we've been through. I will bring my Boston terrier that was a great consolation for me in my mid twenties.

My pain from surgery is at times so so painful. When I wake up, I run for the pain pills. 30 minutes after I'm fine but groggy. It's a real gymnastic without one arm to do anything.

On that, prayers said for all of us, I love you all. So glad that you are there.

[fishinghat]

Gail, the queen of patience and tolerance. God bless her.

[TryinginFL]

That is so true FH - Gail is truly one of God's children 😊

[gail]

God is smiling above! Thank you!

[invalidusername]

So... are you learning anything at the moment? I know there was mention of Uni. Mine is all by distance - I do not attend the University. For a start it is about 300 miles away! It certainly is tough going what with everything else, and I hope that I can make more of it when my condition improves.

 

I didn't realise you were right in the thick of it in London... so you will have quite a lot of things going on right outside your front door? That is quite something. Reminds me of a documentary that was on TV a while ago which followed anxiety suffers around. One chap lived in the middle of London too and they got him to walk bit by bit. I tried watching it again, but it is very painfully close to home. But where you are doing this, it is great. Really great. It will of course feel alien. If I go one day without going outside, it feels really strange! I will indeed keep in mind these exposures and remind you in the future. Each one is a huge achievement and you need to remember this. 

 

I woke and had a nice lay in to catch up on lack of sleep. It was quite therapeutic, but the poor wife had been awake a lot longer and was in a right state when I came too, and I spend the first hour of today doing my counselling bit. Needless to say, this got to me pretty quick and emotions took over. I then had an onset of the shakes, muscle weakness and dizziness - the stuff that I thought I had got rid of after 3 weeks off the Lexapro. This got me right down as I feel there is no escaping the negatives. I know I have just got to keep on this new dose and let my system level out, but goodness knows how long this could take. How was your drowsiness today? Any break to the usual patterns?

 

I think ECT would still scare me - despite the odds of it helping. With all the information I need to hold in for my study at least. But you say it comes back? It must have been so strange, and probably frustrating to a degree, to have forgotten such critical information? 

 

The timing of our meeting was great - and the feeling is mutual. These moments in the evening when I write to you are good for me to reflect and get some perspective for the day. It is also wonderful that we can write this stuff down for each other, and get it out of our heads for a while!!

 

I am reading Ken Akehurst's book again having recommended it to you. The imagery of our spiritual Home really comes into detail in the fifth chapter. What is odd is that whilst our lives here have every bit of meaning, they can be seen as just a little time out - a summer school if you will - away from our Home. So whilst we are here and now going through the pain and suffering - as nasty as it is - it will be wonderful to look back on it as a purely spiritual exercise that can be used just for that. No painful memories. I am trying to hold on to this as much as possible. I know we shouldn't go through life thinking it doesn't matter as it will all work out just fine when we pass over, but I do need some breaks at the moment. Times are hard for all three of us musketeers. I think I will start building up our time together in my meditation sessions. Will be wonderful so see the homes that Gail and yourself have all planned out!

 

Looking forward to hearing from you.

 

Many Blessings.

 

p.s. Gail, the Hall of Records is where all the information that contains details of our lives here are kept. Also referred to as the Akashic Records. The world's most extensive and beautiful library. Something perhaps like this;

 

https://adept.qmul.a...980732_1920.jpg

[LDN]

Yes Gail I can't wait to meet your boston terrier!!! What was it's name?? I'm excited!!

 

Thanks for your words. I agree with all the others you really are special child of God! I can feel it! Feel the energy when I read your posts! It's like I'm thirsty and you are my water! Thank you lord for sending me gail!! I just really hope you know you are truly a blessed, unique person! For all that pain you have and to still be so positive and loving and caring makes me blown away! Thank you for bringing me closer to Jesus gail, thank you so much! I'm emotional right now!

 

In all your pain remember just how much you help me and others! You light up so many lives. God chooses some a small number of us to to be really present, and you are one of them. I would do anything to stop your pains. I feel so humbled by your heart of love!

 

I will be sending lots and lots of LOVE to you!!! You are in my prayers! 

 

If there is anything, anything I can do to help, please tell me!!

 

Love and God Bless

[LDN]

 So IUN the drowsiness was terrible last night, after I posted. Really so irritating. Just couldn't keep my eyes when reading, dosing off then a few pages dosing off again and repeat for about 2 hours. Was a gruelling experience. Such a pity because as I said reading was my real escape, my release, a time to forget my troubles and enter the world of ideas!! As books would come and go I would grow and grow as a person! I can't listen to music, can't watch tv or films and now can barely read so what am I meant to do? Just sleep and spend the rest of my time in a stupor?! Reading was the one thing I was actually good at, that my feeble brain and body could do. I needed the intellectual stimulation, other wise I feel so depressed. I need my mind to be racing with ideas, I need to challenge myself intellectually. My evenings have gone from my reading time, to a groggy nothingness. 

 

I've been too ill to actually do any uni studying, so just choose areas that interest me and then get lost in them. So at the moment it's spirituality and mysticism - the spiritual realm, mind over matter. I want to transcend my physical being as best I can. I want to be leave behind materialism and lose myself on a level beyond division and quantifiables. This were buddhism techniques come in, as well as the mystics of all religions. I want to live in Love and nothing else. Just be in a state of love. I may sound crazy sorry! It's still very early days for me, but i believe it is my best hope for my sensitive, vulnerable soul. 

 

I need to read more on quantum physics, it's beautiful and very spiritual. Fits in with your interests I think. The holographic universe do you know about that?

 

Yes I'm right in the heart of this mad city. Lots of cars, a tube line, noise etc. At the end of my street, is a main road/shopping street with London buses and that sort of thing. So it's pretty big deal walking on it! And yet even here at night all is calm and still!! 

 

Yeah my memory came back mostly, but a lot of re learning words, so I would be like 'what does that word mean?' and then look it up. Spend a lot of time looking at the dictionary! I must say for some one who loves learning and thinking like me (and yourself) it's clearly not ideal at all, but not everybody is like that. Also if your suicidal or catatonic you have to try anything. 

 

So sorry for your wife. Just remember things are going to get better as the withdrawal improves. Please send your wife all my best. 

 

I love that description of things to come. At times I get like a spoilt child and think 'I want it now!!' you know? I feel like I'm ready for the next chapter, let's go, what am I waiting for!! That's the tough bit for me. But that's what I like about mysticism and Buddhism, you can gain enlightenment on this earth if you have the right tools. It's like in the Testimony of Light, how she talks of the ones who just pop through her care home, rather than stay for a while. She says it because they a more spiritually evolved - eg the missionary nurse from Africa who was martyred, she barely stops. I also like the idea that I chose this path deliberately for myself. The life of hardship was my choice for a reason, maybe to learn to be truly humble for example. But definitely this life is part of a bigger, much bigger picture. One day my man will will reap the fruits of our toil!! Cheers to that! 

 

At least you simulate me in the absence of proper reading at the moment! So thank you!! On the positive at least I can get this posts out despite my weak body and confused mind. I've still got some fire in me!!

 

Love my friend 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

I can well imagine what the drowsiness must feel like. Sort of like the feeling when you wake up early and can't sleep but try to read anyway. And reading is a fantastic escape. So remind me what it is that prevents you from listening to music or watching films? I really want to get a big picture of how you go day-to-day. I really hope this groggy stuff eases.

 

I had the same thing happen to me today as it did yesterday - around 5pm - was with a client and I just went completely knackered all over. Head fog and the shakes were already there. I think it is an adrenaline thing similar to the duloxetine withdrawal. Worries me to drive in this state.

 

I think you have chosen a fantastic range of topics to look over in transcending the physical. Perfect. Remembering that our flesh is but a vehicle for our spirit while we are here. All these nasty drugs and illnesses can never hurt our soul. You may well feel sensitive, but this is your brain and your body. Your soul, as amazing it is, will be fine. You are doing some amazing stuff here - more than any else I would wager, in your position. 

 

Speak of the quantum stuff, I have a few books which are yet to be read. One that I can see from my laptop is Michael Talbots Holographic Universe. I will get round to reading them all, but what with study, I need fiction to settle my mind. I read a lot of children's fiction and fairy tales as I find this best helps me to escape at the end of the day. 

 

Another thing that occurred today which scared the cr*p out of me was what I found to be anhedonia. I completely lost the ability for any emotion for about 6 hours when I woke. My goodness it was horrible. I'd read about it, but feeling it is soul destroying. A very stale depression comes with it. I felt nothing for my wife, my study, my job, parents. Nothing. It has eased off now thank goodness. I sincerely hope that doesn't come back.

 

I haven't been to the heart of London since last August which was for immigration court for the wife. A nightmare 36 hours - never to be repeated. No idea how I did it, but I went through Valium like they were smarties!! First, and last time I will ever say the "f" word in a court too. The defence made my wife cry. I don't stand for that. Fortunately, neither did the judge, so I was let off. I NEVER curse, but something got my tongue there and I'm not proud of it.

 

I am sure we would all like to be at our Home on the Other Side - our Gail being perfect example. She has a wonderful place that awaits her. I haven't told her yet, but I think she has a garden with lots of this lovely red stone that she was sent. All brightly polished and glowing with God's light.

 

Right, quick bath and read before dinner. Hope yours was a good day - my prayers continue for you my dear friend.

 

God bless

[LDN]

Drowsiness was better last night, could actually read for more than 10 mins without nodding off! But feel quite drowsy tonight so have no idea what's going on in my crazy brain!! Ok day to be fair. Feel flat right now, a bit emotionless, a bit bitter - my Buddhist practices help here just to let things be and not get worked up. All these moods are transient, so best to save my energy. Buddhism is a lovely companion of Christianity, in the book I mentioned Living Buddha, Living Christ the Buddhist monk has a picture of Jesus on the alter in the meditation room. He says many priests come for retreats with him. 

 

I think you would love quantum physics, it's will scientifically back up your spiritual work I think, that's what I found anyway. Open a whole new can of worms in a good way. Interesting you read fiction, I find I can't relate to the characters as there almost never have serious mental health problems. They just feel different to me. I think I should read more but at the moment so into mysticism and spirituality. God is all i've got right now, so I want to get closer and closer to him. I want to learn all I can to develop my spiritual growth. I'm broken, broken by depression, broken douloxetine, I am nothing, but yet I live? God wants me to, and I put myself in his hands. 

 

I can't watch tv or listen music, because my brain is too sensitive. The lyme disease affected my brain as well as my body. My doctor said it was likely brain inflammation. Sounds and moving images overwhelm me, my brain can't process them. Exposure to it creates unbearable anxiety. Torture really. My body and brain are deeply damaged by the lyme and co-infections I mentioned to you. I'm very disabled and emotionally it is very tough. I feel an outcast, an invalid. I'm riddled with disease. Why has this happened to me? One day I will know. There will be a reason for this agony. It's hurts my friend, it really hurts but in God I trust.

 

That sounds very scary. Similar in some way to depersonalisation when you lose human connections, but probably worse. I'm so so sorry for you. Thankfully it passed. What wicked things are minds can be at times!

 

That's terrible what happened to your wife. I can't imagine that level of stress, why do they do this to people? Society needs to change my friend. We need to put compassion over bureaucracy. I'm so sorry you had to live through that, must have been so traumatising. I'm so happy you have each other. I'm so happy you have a soulmate, I would love one to be honest. But I have my family, which is very very close - and that is more than many people. Also my doctors are very lovely, even though they are professionals, I still feel close to them. 

 

Do you see clients to do with language studies then? I hope you don't mind me asking. 

 

Bless you and your wife my friend. I hope you had a lovely bath and supper. Hoping you wake up feeling well!!

 

God Bless

[gail]

Beautiful post London, I enjoy reading you.

So tired here, getting up with tears and fear. It abated one hour or so after I take my pills.And depression to make all worse.
One day, one day.......

[invalidusername]

Thinking of you Gailage. 

 

I need some pills. Had enough of this head fog. As you say, one day....

[invalidusername]

I really need to get into these Buddhist practises as you are hitting the point exactly where I need it - the not getting worked up. I am here on my laptop and just like you, feeling very emotionally flatlined, and it is eating away at me. I need to just let it be.

 

I've had a look at the books you mentioned and am starting with the Living Buddha, Living Christ. The reviews sound like it could just the read I am looking for to extend my current area. I also saw Web of Life: A New Synthesis of Mind and Matter by the same author as Tao of Physics - also looks good.

 

I can understand you wanting to read this kind of subject matter. When I first entered into relapse, I did the same thing and read nothing by spirituality books - it was what I needed, and I have continued obviously. When all else seems futile, we can always turn to God. Therein lies our reasons to be here as you say. Do we question it? No. We will know when the time is right. As you say, put yourseld in His hands.

 

Thank you for explaining the sensitivity part - I hope it wasn't too painful. I am trying to relate to it in some way, but it seems very deep on a neurological scale. When I get hypersensitive, so many things can set off my anxiety or give me that sting of depression... you know the one that just sucker punches you before you have a moment to rationalise it. You are by no means an outcast or an invalid. Emotionally you are very much in touch with yourself and to the point that you can reach out to others with your compassion and engage in a manner than so few people can today. Whilst neurologically you might be challenged, remember this is just the squishy stuff that gets in the way most of our lives here on earth! You have the qualities in the areas that really matter.

 

So for my day - half of it was spent in bed. I woke up with an untold amount of head fog, with pain all around my temples. I could barely think. It was three hours of being in a dark room before I got as far as a cup of tea and the first visit to the forum. I am so sick of these pills. I just want it all to end. I don't even mind having just one or two symptoms, but every day is a lottery of negative. This is what it leading me to be so numb. I cannot feel positive about anything as the negative is just too much. It will eventually swing back, but patience does not come easy after so long - as you will know far more than myself.

 

What happened with my wife's immigration is too much - and it is what put her in the state she is now. Two years of litigation, lawyers, forms and £1000's of my hard earned money - culminating in a 3 hour court battle - the likes of which no-one should ever have to endure. Anyway - this is where I hope the Buddhism may aid me further to live more for the moment.

 

I am glad that you have such a profound intimacy with your family and those around you. I am very lucky to have my wife. We understand each other on just about every level. My studies are separate from my work, and the research is purely for my own enjoyment. Whether it will lead to a new path of work in the future is unknown. A lot depends on my health and the pattern of things to come.

 

Looks like you have a couple of other replies here today, so plenty to keep you awake, so had better sign this lengthy message off!

 

Wishing you a calming and peaceful rest tonight.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi NotMyself lovely post, in fact I've read some of your beautiful messages with IUN on your thread! I was actually going to write to you myself, as I saw you mentioned you were reading Richard Rohr! My mum got me into him, she gets emails everyday from his organisation. I loved what he wrote, so have since read two of his books - Falling Upward and then Eager to Love (which was brilliant, St. Francis is a bit of a hero of mine!). How do you find him? I find him a deeply compassionate and wise soul. 

 

Interesting you lean towards Quakerism, my great uncle was a Quaker. He was an amazing man - lived till 100. He was still writing to me at 100, wishing me well in my illness! So I have a soft spot for Quakerism, I don't know too much about it but like it's stance of peace.  I'm deeply passionate about non-violence. 

 

I've read about both Zen and Tibetan Buddhism. For Zen I've read Alan Watts. I like Zen poetry. In Tibetan Buddhism I love the practice of Tonglen. Like Quakerism I like the non-violence as well. I want to read The Tibetan Book of the Dead next! 

 

Hope your healing process is going well. I will be praying for you! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail thank you for saying that! It means a lot to me that you like my posts! I can't do much else at the moment so at least I can do something ok!! 

 

I always find your posts hit home for me! Though your pain is much worse than mine, were in a similar place right now. I always brightens my day when I see you have posted!!

 

I'm so sorry about all your pain. If there is anything, anything I can do let me know. If the pain is really bad tell me and I will pray extra hard! Imagine I'm with you holding your hand. 

 

I admire more than words can describe. 

 

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

[LDN]

IUN that is a deeply powerful and moving post! That lifted me! I have many, many things wrong with me, but my ideas still zip around! Thank you my brother. 

 

My doctor says what I have isn't brain damage, as he thinks it will get better. To be fair there is evidence of this. Firstly, I couldn't listen to music at all for a year and a half and then suddenly out of the blue I could, it lasted for a year. I was still very sensitive to it, but could at least listen in moderation. However, since my withdrawal last summer I haven't been able to. Briefly earlier in the year I could listen a little, but again it stopped. Another more amazing example is I didn't read a book cover to cover for 7 years, not a single book. Then in August last year I started and since then reads loads and loads. I had wait 7 years, but it came back! Shows you the value of patience! I waited 7 long years but then a miracle. It's a beautiful story of hope I think. As you know I'm sure the brain is very plastic, so sometimes you have to just let it work and just wait. It dark moments I always remember about the reading. I genuinely believed I would never read a novel again, but I was wrong. In fact my first novel I read I did it all in one night in one sitting, apart from the last chapter. How about that no novel in 7 years, then basically one in a night. So I read more in one night than 7 years!! Crazy! 

 

Glad your getting Living Buddha, Living Christ. I devoured it. Thich Nhat Hanh is a man of great wisdom. Buddhism has been a revelation for me. It's very liberating and inspires you to face your fears. Also just to be present and let go of the attachments of certain emotions - for example 'I'm feeling angry, that's ok I'm just going to observe it. I'm not going to fight it, just let it be'. Everything we experience is through the mind, so why not observe the mind more? That book you mentioned The Web of Life sounds good, I'm going to look into thanks. 

 

So sorry about your day. Damn. I can feel you right now, as the emotions you describe are right here in me! What a journey we must travel! 

 

In terms of my day I met my Godmother this afternoon, my psychiatrist had suggest seeing people, so I got my mum to ask her to come over. It was another exposure. It was nice but I just felt so flat and lacking vitality. I wish I could have been more enthusiastic, but I was just too weak. Apparently, I came over well though my mum said, I tried to release as much positivity as I could. Then I went on my walk and I nearly broke down in tears in the street! I was having to walk so slow because on my legs and everybody was walking so much faster than me. I just felt a bit pathetic, with people striding past me, as I walked at snails pace. Everybody is in such a rush. I just felt so weak and wanted to collapse in a heap on the floor. London is just 100mph and it's like WOW chill a bit! It was tough being on the verge of breaking down in public. It's why I feel like an outcast, my world and everybody else's are at very different paces, it's like were living on different planets. However, a slow life like mine does help spiritually. All the mystics, spent much time in isolation. Jesus went to desert, so did St Paul. The Buddhist of course spend much time is silence. 

 

Lovely to talk as usual brother! Thanks for your love! Sending you love!

 

God Bless

[gail]

Gail thank you for saying that! It means a lot to me that you like my posts! I can't do much else at the moment so at least I can do something ok!!

I always find your posts hit home for me! Though your pain is much worse than mine, were in a similar place right now. I always brightens my day when I see you have posted!!

I'm so sorry about all your pain. If there is anything, anything I can do let me know. If the pain is really bad tell me and I will pray extra hard! Imagine I'm with you holding your hand.

I admire more than words can describe.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

Sweet London, you are a man with so much compassion! A divine gift that Is given by God through suffering. This is where that you and I can connect. Just like with Scrat. You ask what you can do? Pray my love, pray and hold my hand.

I hAve just discovered that the depression is made far worse for me because of the anesthesia and should abate as time passes. That's a relief to know. But God, is it ever worse!! So my sweet, prayers is what you can do. Thanks London!

[invalidusername]

Good evening LDN!

 

That's amazing about all these changes, and can but imagine being able to suddenly read again. I would be the same - devouring books by the dozen! It is something we really do take for granted, and for most, it will never be known what life is like without that pleasure. I just can't imagine it - so to have been through that is truly something. I don't know too much about neuroplasticity, but it is a foregone conclusion that the brain is always changing at ever stage in our lives and that self-healing is going on all the time. It is when the resources do not exist to render that healing that it becomes more of an issue, but if you have had times when your ails have permitted you to undertake such tasks, then I am certain the days will come when you are blessed with those "reading moments" again. 

 

By the sounds of what you did during the day, the walk was just a little too much after the exposure of your Godmother. A great effort on your part, and I sincerely hope you saw it for what it is. I am always in the habit of overdoing it. I get a small stir of feeling a little better and then I do something stupid like going to see another client late in the day and end up falling to pieces, making an excuse to leave as I am so anxious. Then I end up blaming myself - a nasty spiral. I need to know when enough is enough and not push myself. 

 

Everyone IS always in a rush. It is not you going too slow - it is everyone else going too fast! I remember a few years back when I took a break to Cornwall and stayed in this log cabin in the middle of a forest. Mixing with the locals and taking in the scenery and the biggest thing I noticed more than anything was how much I slowed down. My walking, my talking, eating - everything. Unfortunately, it only lasted a day or two when I got back to Kent. I am sure I will retire there!!

 

Silence is a powerful thing. I am reading Quiet by Paul Wilson at the moment to extend my mindfulness and meditative times. Only just started, but is very interesting as he also spend a lot of time in the "outback" in Australia as a young child. Try not to focus too much on what is going on outside until you have to. As difficult as that may be for you. There will be a time to integrate your slow spiritual side with that outside stuff in due course, but for now, harness the moments you have in developing your spiritual side - see if you can take that with you during your walks in the street and take in all that is provided for us. You are one of the few that have the interest and ability to do this. Just let all the other people fade into the background and not interupt your space.

 

Right - back to reading! Hear from you soon my brother in Christ.