2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Gail beautiful post! 

 

This will end - we will LAUGH and DANCE and FLY and CRY WITH JOY!!! 

 

It is coming!!!

 

We are all in God's hands!!! He loves us so much!! We will make it and have JOY AND PEACE AND LOVE!!!!!!!

 

I like you am so thankful for this forum and you guys! You mean so much to me! I would so lonely without you! I can be myself here - as Gail says no bullshit! You are all wonderful and beautiful souls and I am privileged to share this EARTH EXPERIENCE with you until we return to our HOME!! 

 

I love all of you!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

I am glad that you are finding perspective in your present state... that you say you have been in much worse waters. It is a good outlook to have for sure. The initial onset of it can be tough though for sure. So yes, like you say, it is still nonetheless very nice. And yet, you are still out in the field! This is great. As I am always saying, it will help you so much even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. 

 

So how has today been? Any let up? Are you finding that you are not thinking quite so much about the present situation? 

 

Am happy to report that I didn't have a bad dream last night - for the first time in over a week! However, the victory was a little bittersweet as I woke to some very unwelcome depression myself. Absolutely no idea where it came from, but me being who I am needed to know. So I starting thinking that as I was coming to accept the virus situation, probably as a result of the meditation, there was some depression underneath waiting to surface. It is very passive - and as MX wrote earlier, life seems very "muted". All I seem to be doing is working - benefit that I have a big project for me to be able to do this. But I just don't feel like watching movies, doing art or listening to music. It just seems a bit futile today. 

 

Much like you said, I have had it a lot worse for sure, but after having done so well with this virus rubbish for so long, and having thought I got on top of it, this has rocked my boat a little. It has been in the background all day - even now I am not quite right and my evenings are generally better. Might be biological, I don't know, or what could have caused it. I need to accept.

 

Fortunately I had my therapy today. Not quite so much talk about the virus situation but helping me find the root of my depression. There was a lot that came out, and some new stuff which I can't really discuss on the forum. But it was useful in that it gave me something to reflect on. I appreciate the Skype sessions, but they still aren't quite the same as being there in person. They help, don't get me wrong, but there is something about actually having to make the effort in going to the place, sitting in the chair, having the different surroundings instead of sitting in my own kitchen with the door shut hoping that the neighbours can't hear what I'm saying.

 

Anyway, I hope that we can both keep going. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I will look to you for inspiration in thinking that I have seen far worse and that I should still be out walking as much as I can to keep things normal. Only had the one client today - was the kid - which meant I got out which was good for me. Tomorrow is again just the one Skype session, so will be a light day. Might check in on the parents and find somewhere else to walk. The police down here have openly said that they have too much to handle without all this virus stuff, so I don't worry that I will be "caught" doing anything I shouldn't...

 

Right - time to think of something to do and try my best to accept....

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Gailage!!!

 

Wasn't today your appointment? Really hope everything went well and cannot wait to hear some good news.

 

Just reading your corner again and I can see that the pain is very much getting to you. There is an end - thank God - there is an end, but we must remain to do the work that was set out for us here on earth, as difficult as it may be sometimes.... or a lot of the time.

 

It is very difficult to think of everyone else going through pain and problems - especially at the moment. Even though this is the truth, depression can be a very lonely feeling. Even with Mrs Scrat right next to me also feeling depression the same as me today, it can still feel as though I am on my own with it.

 

The quote from me was actually one of LDN's, so I can't take credit, but it is so so true. 

 

But having said of feeling lonely, I can never feel truly alone when there are all you guys here. Being on the forum brings it back to me and reminds me, why I pray every morning and night, and in the car about everyone here. There is so much going on, and like you say, people just open up and it is lovely because this is what makes me feel less lonely.

 

Yes, I have had a really low day, and even though I am well recovered and haven't had a down day for 3 weeks, I know that all you guys are there for when they do happen and that you understand.

 

Anyway - I hope to hear from you soon and all about your appointment and how the treatment went. I expect you are resting - and right that you should, so whenever you return, we will be waiting to hear!!

 

Much much lovage!

[LDN]

Hey brother!! A better day and tonight I feel ok! I knew it wouldn't last and as I said I wasn't panicking because I have seen so much worse, but still nice to have some relief tonight. 

 

Brilliant about you not having a bad dream!! YEAH! Fantastic news man!! So so happy to hear that!! Really sorry to hear about the depression though, it sounds it could perhaps be a bit of biological after taste of the stress of the last few weeks. That stress will have taken a lot out of you, with the cv and then the dreams, and it could well be just a bit of reaction to that stress reducing a bit. Seems to make sense that it came just as you stop having the bad dreams, as depression can often come in when were in a relaxed state. I am sure it will pass, but really sorry to you have to go through that. But I must say as I have before overall I think you are doing just fantastic right now. You have handled all this stuff so well, bearing in mind there are lots of people who have never had mental health problems getting them for the first time. In that context I think how you are doing is absolutely smashing, I really do. Remember brother everyday at the moment you are facing an ultimate exposure!! 

 

I had a nice time in the field as usual! The sun was shining so bright! I was looking to the sun as I prayed for you! Praying that the warmth and joy fills your heart!! It is such a nice feeling just having the sun shine on your face in the late afternoon!! I felt great great joy in that moment praying as I look to the sun!! 

 

Really warm as well once the sun came out! It is nice to be there just as spring is starting to awake!! Almost the perfect timing really! Get to watch the landscape change! I have already seen some daises in the field, which was lovely! Also the skies here are something else man! The colours at dusk and dawn, wow. Purples, pinks - stunning! 

 

But then we have the rooks LOL!!! Swarming all over the garden and pooing everywhere in sight!! Dear me! There big as well man!! I have twice from my meditation spot seen one doing a poo mid flight - thankfully not near me LOL!!! My brother is worried about copping one LOL!! 

 

In regards to the CV stuff my brother said he heard they introduce reduced restrictions regionally. So as the South East and South West are both very low, that might work out well for us! Fingers crossed!! Particularly for you obviously!! 

 

Nice you could get out today! And your plans for tomorrow sound great! Definitely think getting out as much as possible is a good idea. I definitely wouldn't worry about the police, they have no legal rights to do anything. Legally there hands are completely tied. And as you say they are massively under staffed anyway!! You will be the least of their problems! 

 

Have a good one brother! I will be praying and remember how great you are doing!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!!

[gail]

Hello Scrat and London,

Bravo, you both had good day. No nightmares, wow, just a bit of depression. So happy to see you both relieved. So, yes, it has passed again. Till the next thing shows up. We are spiritual brings experimenting so many things.

I had to laugh at my own tribulations in the last 7 months. Thinking, what's next? Water on the lungs, legs so bloated that I could barely walk for four weeks, the balloons on my gums, the virus, losing my hair and all this with my mental illness. Big party. But I'm smiling, God knows why.

Scrat, thanks for asking, yesterday, I had my appointment by phone with doctor Wang, a radio oncologist that specializes in mouth, nose and ears. He's not seen me yet, but today at 2pm, I will see him for a scan and to determine how many treatments I should have. I personally believe that a surgery would be better followed by radio therapy. This is big stuff, take a bid red or green raisin, split it in two, that is what I have, in front and in back. It covers my tooth entirely.

Be sure that I will update later. I love you both, love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

You certainly have been through so much in those months, but lets just hope that you have a break from all this for a while! 

 

Hope the scan went well and that they gave you some good information that makes you happy. Any idea on when it will start?

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother!

 

Great news about your mood lifting - very happy to read that. What a relief. The answer is not letting it get to you, which you are so much better at than I am!!

 

Unfortunately, I must follow up with some not so good news. I am not quite sure what happened in terms of dreams last night, but it wasn't good, and I woke with so much fear that it turned into a seizure. That did it for me for the rest of the day. It has been months since my last seizure - I thought I had seen the end of them. It has really upset me. The Mrs was able to get me to drink some Kratom whilst holding my head and that cleared it up, but the effect wore off and I was left with a mix of anxiety and horrible fear all day. I have done nothing but stay in bed and go to the loo. I have just eaten and getting myself as far as the forum. Anxiety is better, but fear is still there. So plans didn't pay off. No work and not visit to the parents. 

 

It got to about 6pm and I did an hour of meditation which worked a lot better than the valium. I focused as much as I could on my breath to stop my thoughts running off and causing more problems. It was such a it dip having had nearly 6 months in the clear. I really hope that the restriction lifting starts soon, I really can't take another day like that. That is very tough to accept I can tell you. 

 

Anyway - head is quite fried after a few posts, so my turn to apologise about the short and one-sided post, but I'm really not feeling good. Prayers that tomorrow improves....

 

Love you brother and again, so happy for your turnaround - and hope it has lasted

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother! Oh I am so sorry to hear that brother! But I think the positive is you have gone nearly 6 months without one, that just shows how well you are doing overall. Over the last 9 years I have really learnt that the road to recovery is never straight! There are always twists and turns and unexpected bumps. It is just the way it is. It is all about looking at things in a long term perspective. So for me personally I can't judge progress in terms of days or even a month, I have look to a 6 month to 12 month period. I look at that period and if I see some improvement in that time, then that gives me encouragement. Like some months i will do lots of great exposures one after another, and then the next month i may have a really flat and tired month. That doesn't mean I am relapsing, it just the nature of recovery. At least for my condition, my p doc says it is the same about all mental health conditions. If you look at it like that then you can say 'ok one seizure in 6 months, that is good progress'. 

 

Also this time is unprecedented. The most extraordinary moment in history of this country since WW2. So remember these are extraordinary times and take that into account. When i was speaking to my mates, one said his sister had lost her dream job. The other said his brother was moving to India for work, which was a long term dream of his, and now that had been cancelled. Plus I just heard from him and he is having to move out of his house. So just from my very small anecdotal circle there has been crazy stories. 

 

So as I say this is really 'the ultimate exposure'. Always remember this! We will overcome this and come through it, and it is all part of our plan and the bigger picture. Try and keep the Summerland in thoughts brother, because that is what awaits us, when our work here is finished! 

 

Also I am immensely proud of you for doing an hour of meditation despite the circumstances. That is sensational motivation and positivity. Honestly really really delighted to have read that. I can only echo your sentiments about it's effectiveness compared to valium. I don't take valium but clonazepam but meditation has worked better for me for anxiety than any med ever did. 100%. 

 

My day was ok thought I feel depression lingering this evening. Not fully broken through but it is lurking. Other than that just the usual. Was in the field as usual. 

 

I am praying for you brother! So sorry again and I am here for you!! Always here for you!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!!

[LDN]

Gail I was thinking of you today and praying!! 

 

Really hope it all went well! I am immensely proud of you!! You have been a superstar with this situation!! 

 

Oh my love I feel for you so much for what you have had to face these last 7 months! You are my hero my love!! And yet after all that you can still be so full of love and bring that love to the forum!! What a truly remarkable soul you are my love!! I am proud to just say I know you!!!!

 

Words don't do justice to what a special person you are!! 

 

God loves you so so much!! You are a blessing to the world my love!! How lucky I am!!! 

 

You courage is just sensational!! 

 

I am so amazed at you!!! Incredible superstar Gail!! WOW!!! 

 

You inspire me and give me so much strength!! 

 

Praying my love!! 

 

Love you Princess!

[gail]

Sweet London,

What a beautiful and enlighten post. How wise you are in your thinking. I have such admiration for you. So young and so strong. Illness does make us a different person.

You serve as a mentor for many on the forum, we are so blessed to have you my love.

Seems as though you are getting a bit better. Fingers crossed here.

As for myself, with all I'm going through, I'm so hopeful that the radiotherapy works well.
Depression and anxiety at a low level. Thank God. With so many things going on through the world, we will reach out peek next Friday. I tend to forget about it with what's going into my own life. Love you London!

Dear Scrat, you will find my update in GOING HOME. so sorry to hear about that seizure, one in six months is not much even though it's scary. I have the chance to sleep 12 hours straight. I wish you the same but specially peace of mind my friend. London has given us a different perspective on the situation. Different perception can help us deal with our situation.
And acceptance which is so hard to obtain. Lovage my sweet friend.

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

Just read and responded to your update in "Going Home". Well done for going through all that. No wonder you are tired. 

 

I had no idea where the seizure came from, but although I didn't have one today, it was still a very bad day and I am very scared. The UK is doing such a bad job with the coronavirus and I know that on monday when the lockdown is having a review that they will lock us down for more weeks. It is going to send the mental health problem in the UK into such a problem. 

 

But what can we do??

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement, and I am really trying my best to see if from a different perspective, but it was the sudden jump right into the deep end. I know the dreams were there, but they didn't effect my day much at all. Today was exactly the same as yesterday - but without the seizure. 

 

Dreams were perfectly normal, but within about 30 minutes of waking, I was right back to where I was with anxiety and fear. I managed to calm down to the point that my body was completely relaxed, but the head was right out of whack... and that's when it hit me. I know what this is... it is mental claustrophobia. Yes, brother, I had just that from about 3pm til 7pm. I could barely stand it. Worse yet, I realised that I had to get my prescription from the pharmacy as it is Easter weekend and I would have been out before they opened again. So goodness knows how I got to the car and got them. 

 

I want to explain it to you and see if it is exactly what you have. It is not the thoughts themselves that matter, they can be anything - and just random thoughts seem to come into my head during the time - but they just have nowhere to go and because I cannot take it, I feel so trapped mentally. It is just the very action of "thinking" that causes it. It doesn't matter what I think, I just cannot cope with it. I cannot read, write, watch anything, listen to anything. All I can do is lay in bed, but even then you are stuck with thoughts that come and go. This second day has got me really low and although I feel better now, I am SO scared for tomorrow. I don't know what to do to get rid of it. 

 

I was able to meditate again, which helped with the body relaxing, but it was very difficult for it to impact on the thoughts. 

 

So what is you advice on how to deal with these? Just to let them ride out? It really worries me how long they are going to stay as the days are almost unbearable - and I don't use that term lightly. I accept that it is all to do with the current circumstances, but there is no way I will be able to cope having the same day until they lift the restrictions. This is now for sure the ultimate exposure.

 

I really hope your day continued to improve as it did yesterday as it gives me some projection for the near future. I have nothing to worry about for the next 3 days - meds are got and Mrs Scrat did a full shopping trip on her own!! I am in awe of her completely. There is no way I could have done it, but we needed food. She came back drenched in sweat from a panic attack. What a girl!! We are both taking special K to calm nerves.

 

I will then continue with meditation. I did another 90 minutes after I wrote to you yesterday - it certainly helped with the dreams - just hope it will help with the days next.

 

Will look forward to your thoughts on the above. Thank you dear brother

 

Love you

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey brother! So firstly really sorry to hear about the mental claustrophobia coming on. I myself actually got hit by a brutal bit of depression last night after I posted. Absolutely out of the blue, bam! Without years and years of training how to deal with such a situation I would treat to think of how i would have coped. But I MADE MYSELF, literally with everything in my body trying to stop me, I MADE MYSELF, pick up a book. This did me the world of good. Just the fact that i overcame the depression. It showed I could. But all I wanted to do was lie in ball and cry. Or just stare at the ceiling. Thankfully as I say I just have so much experience of depression, I have strict protocol and am able to follow that in these horrible moments. Ended up reading more than I have for days, which was really nice! 

 

Then today I woke and went to the field but the people who live at the bottom of the field were blaring out music. I have no problems with that, it is a bank holiday, nice weather and this is Somerset after all which has a quite a hippy and rave scheme. But it did really make me feel weird and threw me off. Just wasn't in the mood for blasting dance music, plus I hate 2nd hand music, when it fades in and out, but you can just hear the beat!! Then I felt pretty depressed in the afternoon. But if you remember I tend to get depressed at the end of the week, since I have started my withdrawal. I tend to get depressed on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. So that followed a pattern, so it didn't bother me too much. But again once out of the shower after my sauna, I knew I needed a shave and boy did I not feel like it!! I now it sounds stupid, but when you are in that state of depression everything feels so much of an effort, even scary!! But again I made myself shave and that led to some good feelings of satisfaction and overcoming the depression. 

 

At the moment my mood is incredibly fluid. I can be deep in pure despair one minute and 30 minutes later feel absolutely fine. All you can do is just go with it. The fact the depression can so quickly come and go shows it is nothing but chemical so all you can do is follow your protocol and just go with it. 

 

I am very near the end of withdrawal so that is factor, the stress and trauma I have mentioned but mostly it is chemical goings on.

 

I must admit I am struggling with some negative thoughts - the usual of 'look what I can't do (today when I struggled with the music), 'look what I am missing out on' etc. But again these are very very usual thought processes for me to have, so I have protocol and it is nothing new. 

 

I mean I wouldn't want anybody to been almost constantly depressed for 9 years like I have, but one big positive is that you do learn techniques and ways to live with it and just accept it. 

 

In terms of the mental claustrophobia you describe I would say that is very similar to what I have. Just feeling trapped, is spot on. It doesn't matter what you are thinking about it, it is still annoying and you are edgy and feel run down. I mean I know I will sound like a stuck record but as much as possible just riding it is the best. The very process of being scared and worried is like feeding it. So as much as possible acceptance of the situation is what I would suggest. I know this is so so tough. But just try and remind yourself feeling worried is not actually going to help and it may make things worse. Try and see that is going to help in any way to worry. Even though worrying feels the normal and natural thing to do and letting go seems strange - letting go is actually what makes sense. What we can control we do our best, but what we can't we just have to let go. But I know trust me, putting this into practice is so so so tough. 

 

But the fact you are persevering with the meditation is absolutely superb!! I really admire this hugely!! With everything going on, that takes incredible discipling and a positive mental attitude. Please brother feel proud of yourself for this!! Just making the effort is so admirable!! 

 

Also a huge congrats for going to the pharmacy in that state!!! Really really proud of you! That is a smashing effort!! 

 

Oh wow that is amazing about your wife doing the shopping!! Amazing!! Please pass on my MASSIVE congratulations on this brilliant exposure! She really seems to be making some great progress recently! I am going to pray this continues!! I was so happy to read that! Maybe this CV stuff will be a blessing in disguise for her!!

 

Also brother I am actually finding it stressful the manner of how the government are acting. So I can relate to you so much, although it is hugely worse for you. I have so much sympathy for you. I can't bear you have to go through this! I just hope some major positive changes come out of this. 

 

Remember as well there are people all over the country massively struggling. 

 

But you will come through this brother! You have come through so much, and this will be another amazing achievement on your earth journey!! You are incredible! I am deeply proud to say I know you!! You have incredible bravery and courage! I feed of your courage so much!! Thank you for this my brother! I know we will make this! 

 

I am always here for you! We are on this journey together!! 

 

I will be praying!!

 

Love you my brother! 
 

God Bless!

[LDN]

COUCOU PRINCESS!! 

 

Oh my love what an inspiration you are!! I can hardly believe it! I was reading your post on the other thread! What you have had to face these last 4 years and yet you have love in you and love you share with us on this forum! How lucky we all are!! You share your light and warmth with us all!! 

 

I was thinking of you a lot of yesterday!! Praying! A BIG BIG BRAVO!!! What an exposure my love!! And Dr. Wang was not there, so another radio oncologist. What a hero for dealing with that! That was another exposure!! 

 

So now you have it all planned for the radiotherapy - great! I just can't believe how brave and strong you are being through this whole thing! Incredible! Honestly my love it takes my breath away!! Truly!! I mean you are so so brave! And still have positivity you share with us!! 

 

A superstar!! A true superstar!! 

 

I am going to praying my love!! Together we will come through it! 

 

Remember - we are in this together and together we will make it!!

 

I am here for you my love - ALWAYS!!! Never forget that!! 

 

I love you so much my Princess!!!

 

JOY IS COMING!!! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

London,

Another great post on how to survive mental claustrophobia. You've walked the walk and it shows. The WORRYING part is for everyone to practice.

When I think of myself going through a big surgery in the back 3 years ago, the worst surgery for pain, I thought to myself that what I'm going through with my gum bubbles, is nothing compared to that surgery. So the worrying has got to go. Experience serves me.

What happened for me to see it this way was that I was playing cards yesterday and had a sudden small pAin in the back. We so easily forget. And I thought of my bubbles, which is enerving, but not worth the worrying. I've been through so much worse.

So a big thank you for your post!

[gail]

Sweet Scrat,

Another day of fear, I admire the fact that you meditate to bring your body down. Pity that thoughts still go through. Good advice from London, but how hard to practice. Pick up a book, write down your feeling and thoughts of the moment, this one helps me a lot while crying, then it stops. A good 15 minutes and then it's gone. I can think clearly. And that every morning T waking up.
All this will soon be of the past, nothing lasts Scrat.

Bravo for your wife, as London mentioned, a blessing in disguise. Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother 

 

Something very strange going on here. The mental claustrophobia disappeared overnight and was replaced with the most horrific depression; the likes of which I feared ever feeling again. Goodness knows where it has come from, but it sounds just like you were speaking a day or two ago. It was so so horrible and just wouldn't back down. 

 

I knew I had a client who wanted me to pop round at some point over the bank holiday and I remember seeing "I MADE MYSELF" in your post. So I did. I MADE MYSELF go round there. Before I knew it, I had made the call and committed myself to the work. I was feeling awful, but I hadn't been out the house in 3 days and that isn't good. So I was out for 2 hours. Still very low when I got home, but it has lifted a bit since. I am now back to feeling exactly what I was last night. Scared for tomorrow. 

 

I took one glance at the news and saw that we have got an extension to the lock down - of course - and they are not commiting to an exit strategy. This has not helped - although I knew it would happen. I can't take being 24/7 with the wife. She has been really bad today, and she cannot support me, but she still needs support FROM me. I can't do it.

 

Sorry brother, but I am in such a mess. I will have to write more tomorrow. I think I need to get one of the spiritual books, helen greaves maybe. What I would give to be in the Summerland right now. 

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so sorry for the depression. I had bad depression today. Was on the verge of tears pretty much since I woke for a good few hours. Just felt really sad. I tried to go on a different route for my walk, rather than just go to the field. My family told my there were some ponies in a nearby field so I went but they weren't there. I felt so tired just doing this little walk. It knocked my confidence a lot. I went and hugged that tree I hugged last summer. I literally had to have some connection with something I felt so lonely and sad. I know I sound nuts but I was literally like 'i have nothing now without Chin Chin so I am going to hug this tree, feel the love from nature'.  Then when I got back felt a deep melancholic feeling. 

 

Tonight i have had some really nasty anxiety. I think withdrawal related. Also last night after I posted I had some terrible mental claustrophobia. So a lot going on. But there a big changes chemically with the withdrawal. 

 

Physically as I mentioned very very tired. 

 

A massive congrats on getting out!! So proud of you for that!! It might not have helped that much, but in a way it is more about the significance of you doing it. You overcome the fear. You overcame the depression. That is a massive thing. Really proud of you brother! 

 

Again I am praying for you and asked my mum to pray. I sending all my love brother! 

 

I feel for you so much but I know you will come through this!! We are in this together brother! Remember I am always here for you!! 

 

I hope Helen Greaves or whatever you read helps!! 

 

Just remember this is just a HUMAN EXPERIENCE!! We are SPIRITUAL BEINGS!!! We our doing our job here but HOME is waiting! The SUMMERLAND is waiting for us!! All will be well!! So much joy is waiting for us!! 

 

You are doing brilliantly in the circumstances, don't forget this!! You are doing so so well from the outside!!

 

I love you brother!!

 

God Bless!!!

[LDN]

COUCOU Gail! 

 

Oh my love great words of wisdom from you!! What strength you have to have lived through such a journey! 

 

I am praying and I asked my mum to pray for you!! 

 

I hope the cards are fun!!

 

Any fishes?? 

 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Coucou to all,

In the last week's, I've been waking up to crying. I can see from afar that I'm not normal. I can watch myself, like we were two different Gails. It lasts from 15 to 20 minutes at the most.

During this time, I write whatever comes to mind. I ask God to come and get me.
There's a lot of suffering in those 15-20 minutes. Fear of living many years like this, never knowing when or where on my body, metastasis will appear!

I feel it coming down to normalcy. Then I come here to the forum to read my friends. Suffering is everywhere, fear also. Did we really chose all this? At times, I could kick my ass if I did. And how brave I was to chose this. The Summerland is waiting for us, our last hope.

Prayers for all. Please God, we need hope and strength, love and lovage!

[invalidusername]

LDN and Gailage,

 

Thank you both for your words of encouragement, but I am saddened to report another horrific day. I woke to an immediate sense of fear worried what the day would bring. But I let myself hold the feelings, let them in, remembering what you resist, persists. This worked for a while, but something inside my head just isn't working properly and I went straight into a state of horrific depression again. Nothing will touch this, not special K, Citalopram, Dramamine, Valum - nothing makes a dent on it.

 

I have been in bed all day and not being able to move. I don't feel safe with Mrs Scat because she cannot help me when she is the same herself, but she at least could bring herself to do things on her phone, whereas all I could manage was to lie in bed. I cannot stand this state of the world and we all know that Borris Johnson will be continuing the lock down for at least another 2 or 3 weeks. 

 

I need my freedom. Whenever I have felt this low, I have been able to work - see people - communicate, but I cannot do that. Walking does not help when I have absolutely no energy for it.

 

I am living every minute in fear of what awaits me. I just keep telling myself that every minute I get through is one less though. I need to see the end of this lock down so I can get myself better, but all this time I am Mrs Scrat's 24.7 live-in carer, it is tearing me down piece by piece. I am very much alone. Can I please ask you both for your continued prayers for my situation. This is very much a dark hour.

 

God Bless you both

 

Love and Lovage

[LDN]

So sorry brother. I just feel for you so much! I am with you in spirit!! I am praying for you! I went to the chapel last night especially to pray for you! 

 

I know you will make this! It is a horrible horrible moment for you but you will come out the other side. As someone who was been in the pits of the deepest depression I can tell you - IT ALWAYS ENDS!!! EVERY TIME!!! So this won't last. 

 

I have a lot of experience of depression so if you want to ask any questions - i am here! 

 

Depression is the worst thing in the world. Nothing touch it in my opinion, for me at least. So I feel and relate to you deeply brother! 

 

Every hour that passes is an hour closer to the Summerland! Every day that passes is a day closer to the Summerland! 

 

Joy and love is waiting for us - greater than in our wildest dreams!!

 

You are so damn brave!! A hero to me! Honestly please know you inspire me beyond words!! I would be nothing without you!! You changed the game for me, the path of my life!! You have helped me so so much!! The world needs you! I am here for always brother! 

 

Don't forget that! I am here for you always! And as I say with you in spirit!!

 

You are having this HUMAN EXPERIENCE for a reason and that reason we will find out in heaven!! This is part of the plan and the bigger picture! 

 

I will keep on praying! 

 

I love you so so much brother - I know you will make this! I know it!!!! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Bonjour Gail! 

 

Hope you are well! 

 

I am so sorry about the crying! You are so damn brave!! So courageous! I can relate to you my love and boy is it tough!! But you keep going!! I admire this and you so much!! 

 

God loves you so much!! 

 

I get great strength from you!! 

 

I am praying for HOPE!!! 

 

JOY AND LOVE AND PEACE IS COMING!! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Dear Scrat, of course it's a hard period to pass. Depression hurts but as London said, it won't last. Look at last week, you were full of pep. Now the contrary. Ask Jesus to help you see with a new perception of what is going on into your life.

I find this helpful for myself. Of course, you remain in my prayers. Love and lovage!

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

It is very difficult for us to understand why we chose some of the things we did. It is like some children are born and die very soon - this is all done for a reason - usually to help someone else such as the mother. There are all lessons to learn on the earth and it is so so tough. Sometimes like the last few days I cannot believe that this is what I chose for myself, but we need to remember that we have none of this in Heaven so we can learn nothing of suffering, pain and so forth, and this is why we have chosen to come here to do these things.

 

Everyone remains in my prayers....

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thank you for your prayers... they helped. Whilst I woke up to the fear again, I felt like I was able to tolerate more. I had two clients today - each for an hour or so. The first one was OK, but I felt very tired as I hadn't really been out of bed in 3 days, but that set me up for the second client which was easier. I was then able to check up on email for the last few days and feel I have over done it a bit now, so I must really check in with the meditation soon. 

 

Oh man, you put it right. Depression really is the worst thing in the world. It certainly is this cv stuff because as soon as I saw that one of the health ministers is pushing for small businesses to return to work on the 27th, I got such a lift. I could do another 2 weeks if I knew that would be the day I would start working again and life would be normal. But they do not have to make a decision until Thursday and I think that is a good thing as I am hoping for the figures to continue lowering which will only help matters in my favour. The other option is that everyone is locked down until 25th May and there is no way I could take that. It is too much, but I am hoping that the pressure being put on the cabinet about the small business and the economy will have its day. But STILL nothing mentioned about mental health - it is all money, money, money....

 

Right no more talk of that because I knew where that takes me.

 

I really do thank you for you words. This morning I opened up my email folder with all the forum posts that I have saved over the months - largely stuff from yourself, Gailage and Hat. I read them and it helps the fight in me. It reminds me of what I have been through and the people that I am so lucky to have around me on the forum. There are 70 saved posts in there, so plenty to fill a couple of hours - I will just read them for as long as needed.

 

Right - time to relax a bit now. Let me know how you have been getting on.

 

Love you so much man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man so happy your day was better!! 2 clients is a smashing effort considering what you are going through right now!! Very proud of you for that!! 

 

I have been thinking of you a lot today! Praying! I asked my mum to pray for you! 

 

I am right at the end of my withdrawal right now, so feeling lots of sensations coming and going. Anxiety has been on and off throughout the day. This a time of huge trauma for me, with the associations of my last withdrawal haunting me. 

 

My therapist has moved to tomorrow at an earlier time, so will have to go to bed. But I really am praying for you and sending love! I am with you in spirit! 

 

Also I forget to tell you that not last night but the night before I was having a dream I was in a fight and then suddenly punched my lamp!!! It fell on the floor and most of the stuff from my side desk fell off with it! I don't how on earth it didn't break!! My brother and sister heard it falling from downstairs!!! Thankfully I didn't hurt my hand! But it could have got ugly if i had smashed the bulb, just imagine!! I then went back to sleep and was sure that I had just dreamed I had done it and not actually done it but when I woke up it was there on the floor! I have never done that before. And the funny thing is I went straight back to sleep after doing it. You would think it would have woken me up wiping it off my desk, but no!! 

 

Anyway that is the main news!! I do feel very sacred right now brother about my withdrawal so I would appreciate some prayers! We are in this together and we will make it! 

 

What you wrote above to Gail describes perfectly what this HUMAN EXPERIENCE is about. Remember that bigger picture and the joy that awaits us! The beauty and love that awaits us!! 

 

I am always here for you brother. You have had such a wonderful impact on my life! Your are such a beacon of love and light in this world! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hello and Coucou Gail! 

 

Praying for you my love! My super brave friend!! 

 

JOY IS COMING! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Hello London,

Doing the best I can with what I have. The bubbles, the depression that comes and goes.
This is my time to get closer and closer to Jesus. Boy, do I need him in those dark hours.

We all need him, it must be hard to be a non believer, I would be soooo alone. To whom or what do they hold on to?

Withdrawal is almost over for you my love, yeah. You are in my prayers, love.

[gail]

Dear Scrat,

Two clients yesterday, wow! A change of scenery must have done you good.
Any news from the government for the self employed?

You are always in my prayers and Mrs Scrat also.

Lots to learn on Earth, for our own good. I'm not tough, but with the bubbles still growing day after day, the virus, this will toughen me up with the help of my Savior. Love and lovage.