2348 replies to this topic

[gail]

Sweet Scrat,

Mental health comes first in my book. So, good for you! You had a good day. Smiling all the way! You work at your place?

Let's hope that a few others come around. Love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Gailage,

 

Yes, it was good - I went out to see the client. It was good both because I was somewhere else AND someone else. It really helped. I just wish I could somehow get rid of these dreams. They are really getting too much. Mrs Scrat is telling me that it is all the stress that I build up all day because I am so stressed about the virus and government, money, my work etc. I hold it all in - and yes, I suppose I am doing well, but when I fall asleep, it all comes out. I do not have a choice. My brain can do as it chooses. 

 

It is like torture. Last night I was stuck in a massive house with people I didn't know and was trying to get out, but every few moments  had to stop and count to 100. And I remember counting so many times in my dream. It was so horrible Gailage. I just want it to end. Seven nights like this now

 

Still praying for you

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Will be a short one this evening as I have been doing a fair bit of work and only just stopped. Quite update that I had another horrible dream - one of the worst yet. That's 7 out of 7 days. But I am going to do some meditation immediately after catch up here and before food, and then again after food. I am sure the answer is in the practise as it was before, but it might take another day or two.

 

Therefore, I am going to resist the urge to speak about all things virus as it will only set my thinking off again.

 

Aside from a couple of hours getting over the dream, the rest of the day was OK. Mrs Scrat actually accompanied me to see the parents and we sat in the garden for an hour and I washed the car. We then went to three Tesco expresses to find spaghetti! But it was good to have the time out. Mrs Scrat hasn't seen anyone except me for over 2 weeks, so it was really good for her - a big exposure for sure, but she did it.

 

Well done for your video chat. And for getting that walk in so soon after waking. Again, it is lovely for you to talk about your walks and the scenery as it is something that gives my mind somewhere else to go when I wake up. As you know, your message is the first thing I look at after I wake, and because of all these dreams, it is nice to have something else to occupy my mind as soon as possible.

 

Right, time to meditate. Apologies for the short message, but really want to get some relaxation clocked up...

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Wow fantastic that you got out!! And I am delighted to hear about your wife going out as well!!! Brilliant!! Massive well done to her! That is a fantastic exposure for her! Really delighted for her! Please pass on my congratulations to her!!! 

 

Really happy you could get out of the house again today! And nice to spend some time in the garden!! 

 

I am feeling very depressed tonight, so will be short one. 

 

My day was ok ish. Was out in the field again which was really nice. Definitely my favourite part of the day. Getting the Vit D and fresh air combination will do me the world of good. Plus obviously the meditation. Then just as usual. But the evenings hit hard, as you pointed out! Last night was a bit better, but tonight depression is nasty. Very very very very low self esteem. Crushing. I get like this in depression. Everything about me is disgusting. I just feel the ultimate failure. Of course not what I really think, but these depression thoughts are powerful. Feel completely worthless tonight. 

 

Got therapy tomorrow as well. 

 

Really sorry about your dreams. I will keep praying. So so sorry. But what I love is how you are not letting that affect your day. Yesterday you went to see the client, and then today out to the shops and your parents! But I really hope this meditation can help!! It helps me so so much, so I really pray it can help here. 

 

You are doing brilliant and inspiring me right now!! So proud! 

 

Love you brother!! 

 

God Bless!!

[LDN]

COUCOU GAIL!!

 

I am in a depressed tonight my love, so my brain feels weird. Lots of negative thoughts as you will see I told IUN. Very very low self esteem! I feel such a failure in my life. I feel there is nothing good about me. I feel worthless. I feel useless. I feel hated. Of course this MR. DEPRESSION talking - thanks a lot LOL!!! But I sometimes get this!! Depression thoughts, not fun!! Mais, c'est la vie - on earth!!! 

 

All the time I thinking of God. UNION WITH GOD!! I dream of this! The ultimate dream!! 

 

I love my hill! Love it! Lots of wind, which is nice! Plus lots of sun last few days, so VIT D - YEAH!! 

 

I talk to God a lot and that is helping me through it!! 

 

I pray for you every day my love!! Praying for HOPE!!! HOPE!!! HOPE!!!! 

 

I haven't had any massive God moments, but some nice little moments of peace. Like yesterday in the field, it was a lovely feeling I had!! I was thanking God!! 

 

I think it is withdrawal my love, as I very near the end now!! So it makes sense! The drug is Chlorpromazine. 

 

I had a good sleep last night - I sleep a lot still my love!! 

 

On my bed side table I have the God stone, the Beauvoir cross!! My protection by my side!! I needed to tell you this!! 

 

So Dr. Wang, I hope this can happen ASAP!!!! I will be praying!!

 

Thanks for asking about my mum, she generally much better, but the other day had some pain. 

 

So much love flowing for my Princess!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[Lovey]

Soothing picturesque podcast: give it a listen! Love you all!!


https://podcasts.goo...zeW4uY29tL3Jzcw

[Lovey]

It's called:
NOTHING MUCH HAPPENES

In the event the link doesn't work.

[gail]

Lovey,

Thank you, it looks good. Will listen to it later! The link is good. Again, thank you! Love.

[gail]

Hello Scrat,

A part of the dreams, you did pretty good yesterday. And congrats to Mrs Scrat, to see your parents and to shop. Looks like your dad is back home.

I agree with you to resist the urge of talking about Corona. But for good news, we need to hear it!

I also understand the fact to occupy your mind as soon as you get up till these dreams disappear. I do the same, not because of bad dreams, but anxious thoughts that send me in panic. In phase of depression, this is how it translate to me. All is way out of proportion. Anything can send me in panic mode. I just wish that this phase ends.

Prayers for you both every morning and during the day. Lovage sweet Scrat!

[gail]

My Prince London,

Sorry for those hours of depression. Even though we know they will pass, it's still hard to go through.

Funny how different it is for each to go through depression. You'll see above what I wrote to Scrat about it. Forgot to mention the crying.

I too sleep a lot in those conditions, yesterday, in bed around noon till 7 pm. Ate brownies, smoked two cigarettes and back to bed till 7 this morning. It's my way to wait till it passes.
It hits hard. God, please let it be over!

Also like you, I talk a lot to God, I cry to God, I write to God.

You brought a smile to my face when I was reading you. I wish that I had a hill in my backyard to go to. I hope to feel better so I can go to the park. The park is a good place for God talk.

From your princess of Canada, the best place to be in those hard times. Love you!
Forgot to say that I have a doctor appointment by phone today. Ironically, I prefer these than going to her office. For the moment.

[invalidusername]

Gailage...

 

Oh yes, I forgot! After my Mum had been 7 days in isolation, it was all ok again, so things are looking up. Parents are happy again, and although we were about 10 metres apart, we were able to see each other for the first time in over 3 weeks! Given that I am used to seeing them every day, this is a long time. 

 

I am glad to see a good day for Italy, Spain and the UK in terms of the virus, so I am leaving it at that. No more talk necessary. The Queen gave a lovely speech last night which I have posted on the corona forum area.

 

Regarding the dreams, it was a truly bad one last night, I will explain later to LDN, but I just remain hopeful that the meditation will soon help.

 

Much lovage

[gail]

London, Scrat, stAyed 30 minutes in my backyard in the sun plus a bit of wind.
Making again brownies with no nuts as it hurts the tumor.

Good news is that Wednesday I will have a phone talk with the radiologist. Then marking and radiotherapy in the next days

Also, the specialist in ears, throat, nose, fixed an app for Tuesday the 14 the. In good hands but still bewildered by the whole thing. Today was a bit better but still in that phase. I went through too much this last month, like a trauma. I need time to recover. Love, lovage.

[invalidusername]

Soothing picturesque podcast: give it a listen! Love you all!!


https://podcasts.goo...zeW4uY29tL3Jzcw

 

Thanks H - have bookmarked that for later...

[gail]

GAIL'S CORNER

I need time out for myself and the whole world. I'm flying Tonite to Heaven, I need to talk directly to the boss. As soon as the brownies are made, I'm heading off. 20 minutes to go.
I need to talk about my friends down here and myself as
I feel so powerless. I hope you don't mind.

We need to speak eye to eye. Brownies ready, ready to fly, let you know how it went tomorrow. Love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Brownies ready, ready to fly, let you know how it went tomorrow. Love and lovage.

 

Wonderful on both counts my love!!!

 

Let us know how the flight goes

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Well - what a turnaround with the old' PM. Off into intensive care - poor Boris. But I don't know if you are following the news, apparently Trump has just flown over "some medicine" that some experts have been working on, and got it to The PM's doctors within the same of a few hours. Amazing what happens when someone like that needs help. As soon as a world leader is faced with a potential fatality... a potential cure comes out of nowhere! Really not sure of what to make of it all. It's all very well for me to say I wouldn't want Borris to become another statistic, but I wouldn't want it any more than anyone else in the whole world. All life is equal.

 

The Mrs is very grateful for your kind words, and she has had a rest today, which is OK in one sense, but in another, I have had to step up. Three clients today!! Then I went shopping which is quite a walk into the town, and I got to the checkout and rung it all up and realised I didn't have my wallet... it was 20 minutes before closing!! So I had to run back home, grab my wallet, jump in the car and get back. Made it by seconds! REALLY didn't need that! But I did it, and we are good for food until the end of the week...

 

Right, well I am very glad that you are able to see through this depression - it is not what you really think. Absolutely. I am really sorry to hear this has come down on you, but it is great that you can see past it. Like you have always said to me, the depression finds your nearest weakness and goes right for it. I really hope that it has improved today. Your walks are going to be your remedy here and your meditation - but of course you know that and you will be doing all you can. All the same, my prayers are with you.

 

As for the dreams, I had the motherload last night. I dreamt that I was pinned down in some dodgy shop in town and injected with something. I then went on some sort of trip inside my dream. It was terrible. I never knew dreams could be this nasty. I really hope the meditation kicks in soon - I don't know what else to do. I don't let it get into my day if I can help it, but with each passing night I have one of these dreams, it gets more difficult and I find myself getting anxious about it. 

 

Look forward to hearing from you...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I have completely messed up my timings as you will see from the time that I post this! Had it really rough. Last things got worse. I listened to some music because I was so wired and edgy and then it lead to a huge sensory overload and intense panic and stress. Then as I got in bed it turned to a really nasty depression mixed with overload. I felt my mind was falling apart. Like it just couldn't cope. I was lying still but even with that, my head was just sort of spinning. It has really nasty. 

 

Then I had therapy when I woke and that was tough mentally to concentrate with my mental claustrophobia being so bad. I had just a massive rant at pharma companies. What happened in 2018 is source of huge bitterness and pain to me. I try with all my heart to be a loving person, but the pain big pharma has caused me runs very very deep. I got so angry but my therapist was very supportive and understanding completely of how painful it is to be in my situation. It was good to have a bit of a rant to be honest. Talked about the mental claustrophobia as well. 

 

Day was okish but then woke from my siesta not feeling great and then tonight depression hit in a brutal brutal manner. Similar to last night. The depression thoughts tearing me apart. Such incredible low self esteem. Such a feeling of failure. Such a feeling of being worthless. Such a feeling of being unloved. It was absolutely pure abuse. Very abusive situation. But that the nature of my depression. It has been doing this since I first got depressed at 19. Ripping me apart. That is why it was diagnosed as psychotic depression because the thoughts are so so distorted. I mean I have seen top professionals basically break down at me describing what my depression does to me. How it beat the hell of out of me. This is the reason I went into solitude. When your brain tells you over and over and over again you are hated, you are a freak - it the natural reaction to hide away. I realise this is very raw, so huge apologises. But it is important you know where I stand and what I have faced tonight. I had a bit of a break down on insta with the depression telling how terrible I was at writing and should delete the page. But then I realised that I could be Shakespeare for all the depression cares it would still attack me LOL! Thinking it through like that really helped. 

 

I feel a bit better now, the intensity of depression has reduced. But I am still very stressed over my withdrawal. It throwing my routines and rhythms all over the place. I am finding it so hard to concentrate and organise myself. Everything is such a huge effort. Feeling really worn down by it all. 

 

I must admit I was pretty shocked at the news tonight. That just added to my stress. I really wish Boris the best. It really shook me to be honest. He is in his 50s, so I wouldn't have thought he would be affected so badly and it has really just increased my worry. Absolutely all life is equal - I agree with you. I did hear about Trump sending medicine but wasn't sure what medicine it was. 

 

 

3 clients today - brilliant stuff! It is hearing stuff like that, that keeps me going!! Fantastic brother!! And the shopping - crickey!! What an exposure brother!! You could have done without that but bravo for coming through it! Again really inspiring me here brother. I can't lie being in withdrawal during this cv is such a double whammy. 

 

So sorry about your dream situation. Just makes me all the more inspired and impressed by what you can achieve in the day. The fact you are not letting that dictate your day, you are not changing things because of it, that really is what I am trying to do myself here. 

 

Sorry again if this was a bit dark. Really apologise. But I felt important for you to know what is going on. 

 

I will be praying!! 

 

Love you brother!! 

 

God Bless!!

[LDN]

COUCOU PRINCESS GAIL!! 

 

As you will see to IUN my depression is very bad right now. Plus withdrawal is making things very tough. 

 

I was talking to God in the field and just saying to myself - I AM SPIRITUAL BEING HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE!! Just repeating this! Telling God I am surrender to him and trust him. I will Love and then trust him. Going over my teachings. 

 

I found your message made me feel comfort as usual - so thank you from the bottom of my heart my love! Your support means so much! 

 

I have been praying for you!! Keep going my love! I am so proud of you! You inspire me so much in these tough moments for me!! You feel me awe! 

 

Praying for HOPE!!!! 

 

What a life my love!! I am looking forward so much to a picnic in the Summerland by the sea!! 

 

Fantastic to hear about your radiologist appointment on phone on Wednesday!! Great news!! That has cheered me up!! Thank you God!! 

 

Just one day to go now!! And also an appointment with the ears, throat and nose specialist!! Fantastic!! 

 

Of course you have been through so much! But I am so happy you are feeling a bit better! 

 

Also I was so happy to read you went to the back outside for 30 mins!!! YEAH!!!! BRAVO!!!! A big pat on the back from me!!! Oh lala that is a fantastic exposure!!! Oh I was such happiness to read that!! Sun and a bit of wind - just like me in the field!! 

 

And Brownies!! Yum!!! 

 

So excited about your trip to heaven!!! Can't wait to hear!!! 

 

Love you so much!!! Your Prince!!!

 

God Bless!!!

[Lovey]

My dear ones.....having a bit of insomnia but its ok...thinking of you. I am struggling to get some solid ground. I'll be speaking to my life coach and trying out a new therapist both tomorrow! BIG DAY!! Set some boundaries mother. Keeping my distance. She is stressed like all of us but does not get to talk to me so cruelly, gaslight and cast blameon me!! 9days left, God willing till she moves.

My client loved the home rendering!!! Exciting and fun to experience that joy. He ordered another one! Praise God!!! I'm social distancing from the internet and news as much as I can. It's the right choice for me. Takes lots of self discipline!

I wish i could taper again but too much uncertainty already so it will need to wait a little longer.

Xanax starting to kick in... time to try zzzz-ing again.

One day at a time. Stay centered, eyes on Jesus. This too shall pass. Focus on the good things especially on God's love and promise of providence. Advice for me as much as anyone else. ttys.

[gail]

GAIL'S CORNER

i guess that I took too much on my plate here. I so wish to be able to take away all our pains. Only God can do this, if he desires.

So, for each of you, including myself, I'm putting ourselves into God's hands.
When our time comes, we will all be free from this past life of suffering. It has an end!

Then we will laugh, dance, fly, we will be free of all tribulations.

If we only could imagine the number of people going through hell, all over Earth, we would feel less alone.

As Lovey says so WELL " STAY CENTERED ON JESUS, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. FOCUS ON GOD'S LOVE AND PROMISE OF PROVIDENCE"

AND London's saying "I AM A SPIRITUAL BEING HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE"

AND Scrat that says "DEPRESSION FINDS YOUR NEAREST WEAKNESS AND GOES RIGHT FOR IT" how true.

So, finally, I didn't fly. Too much for me. But God and I reflected in the early morning.
We came to conclusion to put all our troubles into God's hands. Continue to pray for each other, have compassion. Doing exactly what we are all doing.

I want to thank all of you for being my friends. It would be a lonely place without you. What I love the most is that no one is covering their own truth. It is as it is. No bullshit.
I so appreciate you all. Love and lovage.

[gail]

Lovey,

That's good news and it's good for self confidence.

Counting the days till mom moves, it'll soon be over. Loved your quotes about God, I used them for GAIL'S CORNER, hope you don't mind!

You sound happy which is good and makes me smile. Good move for distancing yourself from the news. Love!

[gail]

Scrat, three clients??? Well we'll, I'm happy for you, c est bon pour le moral.
It's like your life was like before. Let's hope that the dream subsides soon. Lovage.

[gail]

Prince of London, I will pm you during the day, love

[invalidusername]

Hi Gailage - yes, three clients and a very stressful grocery shop! It was a normal Monday!!

 

Today I have already met with my research supervisor for an hour, I have two more clients, so plenty to do today as well. Wednesday is three clients again, and then it goes quiet for Thursday - and I will need this!

 

Your your 20 minutes this morning wasn't too bad. It sounds a lot like what I am going through. But I have noticed that these bad dreams seem to occur in the hours where I oversleep. I woke up after about 7 hours and my dreams had been just fine! But I then fell back to sleep again for another 2 hours and that is when it all happened. I tried to get up and start the day, but I was so so tired after 7 hours. Maybe there is something there that I need to look in to?

 

Wishing you a very lovely day

 

Lovage

[Lovey]

Iun what are you researching?

[Lovey]

My sessions with my life coach-friend and my new therapist were both fantastic. Many wonderful insights and time sharing. Great news!!!

I am drained. shld take a nap!

[invalidusername]

Hi Lovey...

 

9 days to go!! Really is bad timing for the lockdown and your mother all at the same time. Glad your client thought well of the rendering - as they should - it was a very good piece of work. Well done you! Fantastic that you can get this work under your belt during the crisis.

 

Regarding my research, it is tough to put into words, but it is centred around Artificial Intelligence and the means by which emotions are perceived/computed. It pieces together neurology and linguistics essentially. That is it in a nutshell, but I can explain further over message.

 

Oh - and glad to hear the sessions went well. Things are really on the up! Wonderful news!!! May it long continue - keep your eyes to the heavens - they are always looking out for us!

 

IUN

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Yes - I can see the timings there at 5.30am! Must have been starting to get light by the time you turned in. But I do like it when it gets to that time - we see colors that so many miss. A few more weeks and I will get them - the pinks, blues and purples of the rising dawn - and the air is so fresh. It is a wonderful time of day. I often go out for a walk at these times - no-one about and the atmosphere is beautiful. Would be even better on the hills of course!!

 

You seem to get depression quite late on, but you used to be able to cure it by going to bed. I don't remember it coming on as you went to bed, so that has to be a withdrawal thing surely? The way you are describing sounds like a continuation of the mental claustrophobia. There is just no escape out of it. I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. Obviously my only advice here is to focus as you were yesterday - this isn't the real you. You were aware that this was coming and anxious about what would come about from it, but it will pass... I know that is a cliche, but you know it is true. 

 

And you are right to rant at the pharmas. I STILL have my twitches left over from the Duloxetine. They can be annoying, embarassing and all sorts. I never had them before I came off that stuff. It scares the Mrs when it happens. I can just be sitting perfectly still, typing away as I am here, and my whole leg will jump, or sometimes my whole body - they are really annoying, but it is mostly my leg - but it is the whole leg, not just a bit of it. I hope that by the end of this year the neural pathways will have defaulted and they will stop. Time will tell, but I sure hope they do. 

 

But that is the thin end of the wedge by comparison to what you have been through, so get it out, don't hold it in man. It is not good to do that - just look at me with my dreams! Speaking of which, having got through about 90 minutes of meditation last night, I woke up around 10.30am and hadn't had anything bad! But again, I was still sleepy and went again. It was then that I got another couple of hours and it was then that the bad stuff got me. It might be something to do with this extra time that I am not used to, I don't know. But I am sleeping a lot more since the lock in started. I am still positive the two are connected.

 

Today was another busy one - I had an hour with my uni supervisor, which was great. I really enjoyed it. I then had two further clients, plus a skype meeting with one of my subcontractors for about an hour. It has been a normal day really, except that I was inside for it all. But it took my focus away from the virus stuff. We will see if it impacts the dream situation. I will still keep up the meditation all the same. It can only help....

 

That was a powerful paragraph about the depression and the Mrs said she assocciated with it a great deal. Not that she has been "psychotic", but the whole failure, worthless and unloved parts - largely from her upbringing which are immediately brought to mind during her bad depression days. She said she understands you completely. Not too much support, but wanted to share with you. But again, you know this is hitting you right where it hurts. It has done it before and knows the direct path to your pain. Horrific stuff, and I really wish there was more I could do. Clearly prayers continue for you. I also still think you might be underestimating the whole cv stuff and its impact, regardless of the fact that it does not play quite into your lifestyle as it does with others, but you are around those that it does and the energies that are flying around will have an impact and will not give your inner resources the fighting chance they need. I am sure they are doing all they can to keep spirits up... I saw B's intsa post... what a great photo! You need to see people finding their inner freedom at times like this - and that is where we need to focus...

 

I am there with you in spirit brother, and here - these 300 miles away should you need something more tangible.

 

Love you man - stay strong

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I am so tired tonight and depression bad again! Just so depressed! 

 

Really happy about your day! An hour with your uni supervisor, then 2 clients and then another meeting - brilliant stuff!! 

 

I did have a really nice session in the field again today. I have felt fine but then this evening - it hits hard again! I am having a slight crisis of identity, which often occurs when you are in such a deep depression. I just feel so worthless and disgusting right now. I feel totally fine in the day and then these evenings are just horrendous. It hurts man. But I have been in much worse waters than this before, so i know what to do. But still isn't nice. But it is the illness talking, I know that. 

 

I really appreciate your wife's words! I was thinking she would understand when I wrote it! Please thank her and send my best! It might PM some time about insta - lots of going on in my head with it! 

 

Sorry for being short tonight! Mental claustrophobia again! 

 

Really excellent about the 90 minutes of meditation - so so good!!! Really proud of that! 

 

Ok man forgive me - but my mind is so slow tonight!! 

 

I am praying as always!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

So happy for your news Lovey!!! That is wonderful to hear about the 2 sessions!! Fantastic!! 

 

Also delighted to hear the client was pleased with your work!! Bravo!! So happy you could feel that JOY! 

 

EYES ON JESUS! 

 

Love and God Bless!