2348 replies to this topic

[gail]

GAIL'S CORNER

Just wanted to tell you that I'm leaving in a few minutes for a 12 hour trip. Will let you know how it went tomorrow. Lovey, welcome!

[Lovey]

Gail hope it is smooth sailing.
Iun thx explanation. Sounds wonderful!!
.................

I am still in the process of discovering food tolerability...It is a trying, lengthy process. Introducing only one food at a time is very hard when my core diet is so limited. I seem to have a real problem processing animal meat. Especially red meat. I think I am going to eliminate it. I am having a flare up of pain and fatigue in my joints and my back and my big toe under the toenail hurts. Sounds like gout. Will be pushing water and likely going through a big portion of my precious t.p. stash next few days lol!
Stress surely does not help things either. I will take the day off from my walk tomorrow. Need to spend energy getting a drawing done. I really feel that I need to cut out coffee for a week to see if that will help me get rid of the flare up. I only drink DECAF, but I add too much sugar for sure. Does coffee increase uric acid production in the blood? Sounds like a fishinghat question....

Well I am exhausted and lonely so much that my heart hurts. I feel very sad. Not depressed just sad and lonely. Miss seeing my nanny family and dog. Its weird i guess spending SO much time alone. I enjoy my own company and require quite a lot of solitude but I do enjoy company too.

Good night and sweet dreams kids.
Lovey

[LDN]

Oh I love that poem man! And very much on our wave length!! I know it is only her shell and she is with me and also home, but being in the country and being used to her around makes it feel more real without her. I was hoping if I dug her up that she may come to life again - not really but in my imagination. In London I don't ever see her so it didn't really affect me because it made no difference on my day to day life. But being here I am always feeling 'I want to cuddle' or 'where's Chin Chin?'. That is the painful part. I miss her treating me with so much love, her following me everywhere, the way she looked at me - knowing how much she loved me! Knowing she always loved to cuddle with me. I am very lonely and she was my dear lover. It is not too bad, as knowing she is in heaven is a beautiful thought and I know she will be happy to be free of her shell, which made everything such an effort for her. But I miss my lover, who gave me the affection I crave. 

 

My day was ok. Went to the top of the hill, where I do my meditation, in the field, and was out for 1 hour 12 minutes, which is very decent. I do find it a bit overwhelming having this epic 180 degree view and with my brain feeling so tired due to the withdrawal, I can find it a bit of overwhelming. My garden in London was more simple and gave me much less to take in. 

 

The rooks have nests all over the garden! They sometimes do this synchronised flying together and there must be 20/30 of them. It looks pretty apocalyptic, these huge swarms of black birds, screaming their lungs out!! 

 

Well done for your day!!! Fantastic to hear about the shop and brilliant you could keep your anxiety under control! Massive congrats for that brother!! And well done for getting out the client!! Plus how nice of you to take your neighbour shopping and also help her with her computer - what a wonderful soul you have brother! So full of love!! 

 

Ha funny thing about the lockdown. I was in the field today and there is a mobile home in the next field. I have NEVER seen the woman who lives there come out, EVER!! I don't think my dad has to be honest!! But today I was doing my meditating and there she was, watering a flower or something!! How ironic, that just before the whole country goes into lockdown that I see her!! Also the village seemed more busy today than usual. Some one was doing there roof, I saw some people walking there dogs. I heard plenty of noise float up from the village, manual work and stuff like that. It seems more busy than last summer!! 

 

So for me I really won't notice anything different with things being lockdown. As I said the village was more busy today than anytime last summer and I will just me in my field and then sleeping basically!! So not much changes for me really. 

 

I can see for you that now there is a enforced lockdown it takes away a bit of the uncertainty and I am happy about that! Also I really the government will bring in some measures for people like you. I know what is being talked about may not cover you yet, but no one predicted the lockdown coming in today, so I think something will come up for you. I will certainly be praying. I really think the pressure will get too the government and they will bring something in! 

 

Getting out for a 1 hour walks sounds a fantastic idea!! 

 

I hope your wife can calm and sorry you have to face this. Again I will be praying!! 

 

Ok man, thanks so much again for such a wonderful poem!!! With such truth in it!! 

 

Also what happened in Wuthering Heights? 

 

Love you brother and praying for you and all your family!! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hi Lovey sorry your feeling sad and lonely!! I get lonely very often!! I like solitude A LOT but I also get very lonely!!! So I feel you!! 

 

I will be praying as ever for you!!! I hope you have a lovely day painting! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Gail Coucou!!!

 

Do they take credit cards where you are? I think they banned money maybe to stop germs. My dad went to a coffee shop and they were only doing credit cards no cash!

 

I am excited for your 12 hour adventure!!! Very excited my love!!! 

 

I went to the field today on the hill for 1 hour 12 minutes - it helped a lot! 

 

I saw a deer in the field but it ran away!! 

 

Yes I need a helmet for the rooks LOL!!!!!!! More like I will go deaf from them LOL!!!!!!

 

I am praying for you my love and also your gum and for this too end soon! 

 

You are a doing an AMAZING job of dealing with this uncertainty and having acceptance!!! I am so proud of you!! Bravo my love!! So tough for you and you are doing amazing!!! Big pat on the back from me!!!! So thankful for God to be helping you greatly!! YEAH! Thank you God so much!! 

 

I enjoy to read you so much Gail!! Thank you so much for this!!

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!! 

 

God Bless my special Princess!!

[gail]

GAIL'S CORNER

o my, what a night trip. Flying during the night creates a bit of anxiety. Will I find the place? Will I get lost forever? I needed that trip, needed to be calmed by the Master.

So, after 90 minutes of flight, my wings began to get tired and I wondered if I should go back or not and that's when I saw from above a field covered by fluorescent flowers.

I landed in the middle of the field, folded my precious wings and admired those flowers of every colors. I had never seen this before but I knew that it was God's doing. But where was I? I felt so calm and joyful, so it must be another part of Heaven if I felt that way.

I decided to explore my surroundings, then a giant turtle was standing right beside me. I went down on my knees and looked into her eyes, I could swear that she was smiling. I stroke her carapace that was soft, she lifted her hand as though to touch my hand. That smile got to me then we said goodbye.

As I continued my exploration of the site, and from afar I could see someone coming towards me. White robe, I knew it was Jesus. I ran into his arms. He had a big smile and said WELCOME TO HEAVEN NUMBER 2. he explained that there were many heavens. This was his favorite one. He said for me to have a siesta after all that flying.

He brought me to a little house, and said that he'd come back in a few hours to show me the rest. I slept like a baby, and he came back as promised.

We visited the magical place where trees grew in every colors. What I saw was flabbergasting.
All maple trees, with leaves of different colors. The blue leaves caught my eyes and I ran towards it. Jesus said to me to take one blue leaf and eat it. It tasted like fresh cucumber, so delicious, I ate it all.

Then I saw the orange leaves, of course, I wanted to taste it! Of course, it had the same taste of an orange. There were also green leaves with their trunk the color of gold. What a magical site. There was a chapel there also, we went in to pray for the whole world. He said that nothing bad happens without a happy ending. He said that prayers were said all over the world. That people were getting so much closer to Him.

Non believers prayed,He said to me that he had never seen so many people clinging to God for strength and hope. For all the prayers said, a blessing will come to them. He said that he would not stop the crisis because so much good will come out of this. But it will end, He's also wondering where Scrat took his info about the three weeks more.

A special blessing to London for all his prayers, same for Scrat and Lovey. He is smiling over you, eyes so bright! He mentioned the forum, where people help each other, a blessing to all members and non members. He is quite contented with us all. A special thank you Fishinghat for all your help and prayers. God loves you all, perfect or not!

On this, it was time to unfold my wings and go back to Earth. I didn't want to leave, so quiet and peaceful in heaven. My time will come, he said. So many things to see. From afar I saw an animal coming nearer to me, my goodness, great surprise, Chinchin rubbing my legs, I took him into my arms and we cuddled like crazy.

Ready to go back now, but I will be back. And down I flew to get to my false home! With a sense of peace and love. Jesus, thank you so much for being into my life, I love you!

[Lovey]

Gail! Wow.... thank you for such brilliant imagery that I can go to now also in my imagination and spirit!!!

I treasure the one feather that you gave me back a little while....

I fancy myself a blue butterfly and give you a scale from my wing in return. Iridescent blue with violet in the sun...

[gail]

Hello to all,

I have good news, I will be seen by a specialist within a week and may have radiotherapy to shrink the tumor. I'm so happy and I thank you for all your prayers, now i can breathe. Thank you God!

[Lovey]

Gail that's WONDERFUL NEWS! Thank you for letting us all know!!!! Praise God indeed! Keep us posted.

[invalidusername]

Hey Lovey...

 

Clearly a good time for me to be a vegetarian here then! I have been "meat-free" since I was 11 years old... and I don't let anyone say that it is bad for your growth given that I am 6'4" and around 90 kilos! 

 

Cutting out red meat, caffiene and stress will do wonders for you - as will reducing your sugar intake. Again, I have been off tea and coffee for three years now, and only have green tea - so there are still traces of caffiene - but about 5% that of coffee. I'm not sure of the effect on uric acid, but one thing you might try is a small cap of apple cider vinegar - can be taken in one dose, or added to a liter of water and sipped throughout the day. People swear by it and has helped many. I still have a stash for when it is needed.

 

Really sorry that you were a bit low again last night - I had just turned in when you wrote, but you might catch LDN sometimes. Would be nice to have a little messenger thingy on the forum one day - that would be cool!!

 

Keep in touch pickle

 

IUN

[invalidusername]

Hello to all,

I have good news, I will be seen by a specialist within a week and may have radiotherapy to shrink the tumor. I'm so happy and I thank you for all your prayers, now i can breathe. Thank you God!

 

Within a week!!? Really??! AWESOME!

 

Not longer having to worry about taking your mind off that pain, it will be taken from you. Wow - what a relief. What a lovely way to start my evening.... smiles all round

 

Lovage!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother.

 

I'm glad to be here back on our little corner of the forum. It is comforting, familiar - just what I need right now.

 

I knew you must have heard that poem. It is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I have read. I understand what you must have been thinking though. The connection is there. The country house; chinchin. It was the strongest connection for you. Sure there is the hillside, the chapel... the rooks (!), but no, chinchin was at the top of that list. 

 

Her affection for you is more real than it can ever be now she is at Home waiting for you. It is just we are locked between two different planes of frequency, but that veil will be thinned during the rest of your life here. There will be plenty of moments that she will remind you of that affection.

 

Your description of the view very much reminds me of my many visits down there. It can certainly be overwhelming for sure, but it isn't long before you get used to it. Be thankful for that opportunity man! 

 

Thanks for your kind words for my neighbour. She is all alone up there so I can understand it must be difficult - although she does have the two cats. I have known them most of their lives, so they know me almost as well. The only thing is, you have to be so careful when you approach them as they are both deaf and if you just touch them on their heads or backs without them seeing you, it really makes them jump. Sometimes, I can whistle at just the right frequency that they know I am coming! Sorry, I shouldn't talk about cats brother....

 

Interesting about the village - not what I had expected at all. So very ironic for sure!

 

I really hope you are right about the money and lockdown situation. Today has been a very angry one for me, as you will read in my day 2 of 21 post in the Corona forum. My neighbour was breaking the rules as early as 9am. I knew of the lockdown obviusly last night, so I really just wanted a good nights kip. I needed it. I didn't want to wake early and lay there thinking about the damn lockdown, but alas no choice. The noise was too much and I was too tired. So I spent the first 2 hours thinking whether or not I would go and smash my neighbours face in!!

 

I'll let the negatives be as they may. I have found out that I can still continue with my "younger" customers as what I do is classified as school work and thus making me a key worker. So, three of my weekly clients have agreed to this. One on tues, one on weds and one on friday - each lasting around an hour. So this made me very happy - even just the three hours. I also went to see my mum. Not allowed in the house - well technically, I am not allowed to see her at all because it is not an emergency and I could be fined. So what - fine me. She is on her own, locked down, missing her grandchild and my dad. We sat in the garden at the customary 3 metres apart and it helped us both. I then even washed the car!! That always makes me happy when I wake to look out the window of my flat and see my lovely creation! 

 

So you are not familiar with Wuthering Heights? Not at all? It is essentially a love story based on the Yorkshire moors. It is an amazing story. Will have to tell you more tomorrow as I have again been writing for some time already this evening and need to calm. Head is very much spinning for everything going on today.

 

Hear from you soon - hope the rooks have quietened down a bit for you!

 

Much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Will have to be short here, as have to get up a bit earlier. Plus I have a headache and just feel super weak tonight! 

 

Great news about those 3 clients - really happy to hear that!! 

 

I am happy you could go and see your mum! That sounds like you had a lovely time! I am praying for all your family! And great you could clean your car as well!! Nice!!! Sounds all in all quite a productive day!! Obviously really sorry to hear about the building work - hopefully that stops ASAP!! 

 

I know Wuthering Heights but haven't read it and didn't know the bit you were alluding to! 

 

I had skype therapy today so that was ok and then out in the field for 1 hour 7 minutes, which was nice! The farm had a bonfire going for ages which was pretty cool to watch from the top of the hill!! Beautiful day down here as well!! Got some good vibes!! I have already worn down part of the field right at the top which is my walking meditation path, which I walk bath and forth! My dad even noticed it!! The Village feels the same, the farms still working etc. Some villagers came over to drop things off etc. 

 

Feel very flat and empty and sad tonight. 

 

Defintiely missing the physical presence of Chin Chin for the cuddles. She was the only lover I had, so it hits a very sore spot. There is no else who can provide what she could. And it was a bond of souls, so you can't just get a new cat and move on. 

 

Feel very very weak tonight as well. Been sleeping so much but still feel so tired! 

 

I am praying as I say for you, your wife and the rest of your family!!! 

 

You are doing so well brother!! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

GAIL GAIL GAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WONDERFUL NEWS!!!!!!!

 

 

PLUS STUNNING GAIL CORNER!!!!!!!!

 

One of the best things I ever read!!! I want to read it over and over and over again!!!!

 

Love you so much!!!!! God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Mine will also be a little shorter. I will admit to taking a sizable dose of my special K about an hour ago and focusing is difficult... in a good way!! Some times I would be really lost without it.

 

Thank you for your prayers. Needless to say, the same continues this end - and for all those people who are stuck in these awful circumstances whilst trying to maintain mental health. 

 

Speaking of which, one of the clients I had on Skype today confided in me that she woke at 3am and had a panic attack... and she is a GP!! She hadn't had one before, but from the symptoms she knew what it was. Just shows you that what is going on is really impacting people. I did a few updates on my corona topic which give you an idea of what was on my mind today.

 

So the therapy - is this with the replacement? The same where you drew a blank last time? I assume there was improvement. My therapist sent me a document which I am yet to read I will admit, but she said it got her "approval" and should help. So I will email over to you and Gailage in a moment.

 

I can imagine the flat and empty feeling. Lots of memories and confusion at the moment. A lot to take on. One day at a time - that is what I am doing. But of course, you are right, there is no substitute for your dear chinchin. And the sleep... I know that as I had 10 hours last night! Not sure if its a good thing or not? 

 

I am trying to stick to my routine as best as I can for the day. I had one client which I was permitted to visit today, so that got me some social contact, and then of course the Skype one. I was doing ok until I had to go out, and the anxiety started. It got to a point and then plateau'ed. Didn't get any worse, but nor did it get better. It stayed like this during my 30 minute break and then during the Skype meeting. But over the half hour that followed, it got better. But I have been on edge for the whole day. Still overthinking - and as I have confessed to AJ in another post, a lot of gas retention! I think this is the stress doing its thing. 

 

Feel the anxiety could go either way - could get worse, or it could stay as it is and then I will get used to the situation as it is. It really worries me that this lockdown will pull me back. I started to Google exactly that. I have started doing what I used to do, google my symptoms. I need to watch that.

 

Anyway - I am reaching for my book to get some distance from the real world for a bit... hope all is well.

 

Much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[Lovey]

Hi friends:)))

Miss you all. We are in this together. I think of you thru the day and pray for you all. Especially if I hear this annoying crow that hangs around, I laugh and pray for everyone. The crow reminds me of the rooks LDN talks about.

I am struck how we are all affected so similarly. Loneliness especially (and anxiety) being the most common themes. We really are made for relationships.

I had a wonderful hour long conversation on the phone with a wonderful friend. We laughed and shared so much. It was an enormous blessing!

I took a walk, and a lot of puttering around my house cleaning, laundry, cooking...

Made moves forward on art projects!!

Got confirmation of a commission payment coming in once I finish my drawing next week.

And another close friend got a fantastic job offer at the university she wanted.

It was sunny. I have my sight and I am mobile. Thankful to God for many blessings.

Having strange and interesting dreams at night.

Love to you all.

[LDN]

Hey brother! So I did one of my secret exposures today! Boy was it a big one! 

 

So you know I was emailing one or two friends recently which was a very big deal for me. I had planned to see one of my friends in March when he was back in London, but obviously the cv meant this couldn't happen. Then a few days ago I got an email from him saying did I want to do a video call or chat? Obviously I was nervous but I thought it was a lovely for him to ask. Then he suggested next few days, which I wasn't expecting. Then yesterday he said he would bring in the other friend I had been emailing. So last night I downloaded WhatsApp on my smartphone - 1st time ever to have it. Then I woke up this afternoon and he called through and there were both my friends on the screen! My 1st ever video call!! Plus I hadn't seen these guys or talked to them for almost 10 years!!!! We spoke for just over an hour and it went really well. Lots of banter! 

 

Weird thing was last night I wasn't nervous at all and then when I woke I wasn't nervous either! So weird but encouraging!! But after the call I felt anxious for quite a few hours. It was just so crazy to be talking and seeing my friends from school when I had no mental or physical health problems and it just felt surreal to think of what I have gone through in the last 9 years in between!! Plus I couldn't but feel a bit sad sort of seeing my mates from school living their lives while I am still stuck at home. This is one of the reasons I cut off. The pain of seeing people live life to the full while I am ill for years and years. So I was pretty quite for a long time after. Just processing such a huge moment. Due to my psychotic depression my number 1 fear was seeing my old school friends. I had this terror at them seeing what i have become, considering I was such a healthy guy at school! So basically today I partially ticked 1 of my fear list - which is pretty huge! Still in shock at the magnitude of the event. Obviously it wasn't in person but still speaking to 2 people on a video link is big. 

 

They were so nice and we talked quite a lot about my illness and I even mentioned my depression briefly - which felt pretty insane that I braved saying that! They were really supportive and interested and know say they want to speak next again in the few days - plus they are giving out my number to other friends from school. So it is a big moment. Bear in mind I haven't spoken to a friend at all since 2011!!!!! 9 years off my back today!! 

 

My brother was so buzzing for me, he knew how big it was! I feel I have really reached a point where I am putting the ball firmly in the court of the physical  issues and saying 'look I'm doing all these mental exposures so it's up to you now'. Also to do this in the current situation with my withdrawal, being down in the country only very recently and still adjusting, the cv, Chin Chin loss. I mean when I came down last summer it took me well over a week before i did anything social - I just needed all that time to just do nothing and settle! 

 

It is mad how much as happened since last spring, truly mad! And I owe you so much brother! Honestly so much of this would never have happened without your unceasing love and support of me. You supported me when I came in from my self imposed exile and you didn't judge me and accepted me and for that I will always be insanely grateful! I am very moved writing this to be honest, to think how much your love has done for me!!! Bear in mind when I started the forum I hadn't even started leaving the front door!!! 

 

I went into the field and had 55 minutes meditation afterwards which helped a lot!! Really getting into a nice swing with the field meditations now! 

 

Need a good few days rest now!! 

 

So my p doc went on leave, but my therapist is the same one as usual! Also thanks for the email! 

 

10 hours sleep is fantastic man!! That will have done you the world of good!! Happy you could see a client today! 

 

I think you are handling this really well brother!! 

 

So sorry for such a one-sided post! I will be very much praying for you! I know you can get through this brother!! This will only make you stronger! As I say you are doing so well from the outside!! 

 

I am about to pass out here so will get some rest! 

 

So much love brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey Lovey!! 

 

So you have a crow LOL!!! The rooks are crazy here, so many nests all over the garden!! Though I am getting used to them a little!! 

 

Sounds like you are doing really well!!

 

Praying for you!! 

 

Love and God Bless!

[gail]

Ah my friends,

It is so good to read you and again so happy that Lovey ❤️ has joined us. I feel so close to you, it's a good feeling.

Scrat, what is this about having 3 school kids going once a week. Is it that you are teaching them mechanics? Are you paid for that? Any news from your government for self employed people like you? I admire you, you answer to people when yourself are not at your best! Mrs Scrat is doing as usual, I guess. You got my prayers too. Lovage

London, well done! Just a matter of time for when you see those guys. I like them, no judgement. This is such a divine intervention. I know that you were nervous about the situation. Still in love with the hill? I see that you pass a long time on the hill, good for you my love. Any snow there? Mud? Your mud garden will have the time to renew itself.
Love you prince!

Lovey, so nice to read you and can't wait to read you in Gail's Corner. You will be headed to heaven number 3. They are all different, one thing stays is our beloved Jesus and it's white robe. You seem in good spirits except for anxiety and loneliness. Welcome to our world. Love.

As for me, bouts of anxiety here and there, lots of sleep, hand washing, game of spider solitaire, and being in gratitude. I lack nothing, enough money to get me by. A good bed, my favorite place. And that appointment that came through. All those prayers, I thank you all.
I love you all, Gailage

[invalidusername]

Dear All.

 

I am writing with a request for your prayers please.

 

Since the UK went into lockdown at the start of the week, my inner resources have been quickly drying up until I have little fight left inside. I woke this morning to a very worrying anxiety attack which lasted an hour, which was only stabalised with my Kratom. The other tools at my disposal, Valium and dramamine do not get close to helping. 

 

However, the Kratom is short lived (2 hours or so) and I cannot take more than 2 dose per day for fear of addiction. 

 

As you know I care for my wife and now that I am with her 24/7, my role as carer has become significantly more stressful. 

 

It worries me that after only 3 days that I am back to this state, that the following 2 1/2 weeks (at minimum) will really affect the progress which I have enjoyed over the last 5 months. 

 

Please, please.. I ask for your prayers of strength to hold me through this.

 

Thank you

 

IUN

[gail]

Scrat, I've got you covered. MucH lovage my friend.
Jesus is just by your side, rely on him for strength. See your inner self bathing in His white light, do that often, love, Gailage.

[Lovey]

Iun, I am on it. One day at a time.

I feel a little more unravelled today but this too shall pass. Love!!

[invalidusername]

Thank you so much girls...

 

I dragged myself out for a half hour walk, and set up my neighbours new broadband, so that killed off an hour or so, bu the loneliness still awaits. But already day 4 - 17 to go. I am quite hopeful that the UK figures will peak at end of next week, so another 14 days for those cases to drop off the chart and I think the lockdown will be relaxed. 

 

I know I shouldn't be speculating, but as a scientist, the best hard facts are a comfort. Hat will understand if no-one else!!!

 

Again - thank you - much love to you both.

 

Scrat

[Polly38]

IUN - Praying for your strength 🙏. Just bear in mind that you are not alone. Even people who don't normally suffer from anxiety are feeling this way.

You have come back from this before my friend and you can do it again❤. You are strong, you will get through this!

[invalidusername]

Thank you Pol...

 

So nice to have support of the forum. And you are right - there are many more people suffering as a result of this. I posted in my virus forum a link where Trump actually made an announcement on TV that he was concerned for all the mental health sufferers and that he wants to get people back to work. I'm ashamed to have not heard anything of the sort of the government over here. Whilst I don't like to speak of such things, but a lovely young girl of 19 hit the headlines at the end of last week having taken her life due to the pressure of the virus. How can it not be taken seriously? 

 

I am trying to be strong. Day 5 tomorrow - nearly a quarter of the sentence down!

[invalidusername]

Gailage...

 

I completely missed your corner a couple of nights ago!! But just found it in my email. I had left it there to read before sleep - it was beautiful. Out of likes for today, but thank you so much. Some lovely imagery as always. I wonder how many heavens there are?

 

The rules here in the UK is that you are work as long as you fit into certain requirements - one of them is education for schooling. So as I teach school age - only 3 - I am allowed to continue to teach them, but not adults as this is not considered essential. It is better than nothing, but still around 15% of my normal week, so nothing to keep me busy.

 

Can't wait for your appointment to come through. It will be so much better for you when the treatment has been done. Bouts of anxiety here to - as you can see from my earlier posts. I really need to try to not let this get on top of me. I have come so far to feel this much better and I was really looking forward to doing all these new things!! Please God let it continue...

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

You and your secret exposures!! LOL. How on earth you could do that in the middle of everything that is going on?! I can't believe that. Truly lost for words. And getting to grips with stuff like WhatsApp!! This is a lot of moving forwards! I also have this, but I will let you get a bit more used to it before we have a go... but that will be amazing to speak to you man... 

 

And over an hour!? I can well imagine that you had a lot to catch up on so the time could easily be filled. But glad you recognise that you need a few days to recuperate. What with the "other" messenger situation you have at the moment, I think it important to give yourself some time out.

 

I think the anxiety came about afterwards as the adrenaline was keeping you going through the call, but as it understandably triggered a few things to see these people going about their normal lives. It is hard. Like where I live - the view from the main windows looks out onto one of the main walkways into the town, so there are plenty of people that I see and I think the same thing. 

 

So how are you feeling today following it all? Happy to go at it again in a few days? Did the anxiety settle?

 

What I have seen you come from is outstanding - looking back to the Ketamine days and the first trip down to the country. So many landmarks and points checked off. You have indeed reached a point that you can really see a difference. Good place to be man.

 

Well, you may have seen my post from earlier this morning - and the three lovely girls coming to my rescue - bless them. But this morning was horrible. I came straight out of sleep and into an anxiety attack. Legs shaking, speech wasn't coming out right. All I could think about was how I am going to get through these weeks of isolation. I want to be able to get to a point of acceptance instead of it getting better because the three weeks deadline gets closer. I would love to reach a point whereby it doesn't matter, but it is really tough.

 

The kratom pulled me out of the situation this morning and I actually felt better for a couple of hours - as you would expect from the K. But then it came back at me - not quite full force. I then decided I needed to go for a walk - and did so for 30 minutes. It helped a fair bit - enough for me to then start doing some work that I could do from home. 

 

I was feeling anxious about going outside for a walk, but when I was out there, it made no difference. It wasn't the walk, the being outside, the being away from home/safety etc, it was still my mind racing about the whole virus thing and the lockdown. It is ALL about that. If that went away, I would be back to my normal self. But it still worries me that the longer it is here for, the more difficult it will be to bounce back from it. If it is going to be three weeks and the lockdown relaxes, I think it will be ok - might take a week to get back to normal but I'll be there. The hard part is that I don't see this happening. The peak of the virus is going to be the end of next week at the earliest... and then we have to wait for those cases to recover which is another couple of weeks, all the while there are still those that have been infected whilst being able to work under the new law. I think Boris has said 3 weeks to keep people calm, but it is pretty transparent. But what can I do....? Its all my control thing again.

 

Could really do with having some time in your field! That would really help things for sure. Feels like I am running a marathon every day. Just waiting for the evening to come along when I start to feel better. During the day, I am always under the attack of the anxiety and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I did take one valium around 5pm to see if it would help for the interim, but nope, nothing. Like you said a few days ago, it is because the problem is still there.

 

Just have to see how tomorrow goes.

 

Stay well dear brother - much love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Massively praying for you here!! So sorry for you having to go through this! You are so strong and you have come back from so much before! I know you can do this! Remember I am here for you!!! You have changed my life since being brothers so you really are changing the world brother!! I need you! The world needs you so much! I know this is tough, so tough! But God loves you so much and you are so needed here! 

 

Please keep talking about how you are feeling! All of us of love you! You have a community here who is 100% with you! 

 

As I said you know to message me whenever! 

 

I went to the chapel last night and prayed for you! I am thinking of you a lot! 

 

So many people are struggling right now but I can really see this is horrific for you! 

 

But I know we will make it together! As I have said many a time before I hardly know anybody with such a huge HEART, such BRAVERY, such COURAGE, such a positive approach to life!! I am and have always been in awe of you! You are a true hero and legend!! An idol to me!! YOU KEEP ME GOING, YOUR BRAVERY INSPIRES ME!!!!!! 

 

I don't know why we chose to face this but remember the bigger picture every day - we are just in a dream! This is just dream! We are going to wake up to paradise! The Summerland is waiting! This pain and suffering is for not for nothing! All is not for nothing!! JOY IS WAITING FOR US BROTHER, SO MUCH JOY!!! 

 

Remember - WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS HAVING A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE, BUT SPIRITUAL BEINGS HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

This is all part of our and God's plan! This pain is not in vain! 

 

I am a bit overwhelmed myself tonight due to instagram and all this increased activity so will fill you in tomorrow. Plus late stages of withdrawal making my brain feel completely dead!! 

 

You know where I am brother ok? We are in this together brother!! Please know this!!! 

 

I love you so much my brave and heroic brother!!!! 

 

God Bless!!!

[LDN]

Bonjour Gail!! 

 

Dead brain here my love, so will fill you in tomorrow! I am praying for my love!! 

 

I love my hill!!! Love it!! Hill meditation!!! It is great!!! 

 

You are a superstar Gail!! Saint Gail!!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

So here we are.. 25% through our initial sentence. Can't believe what 5 days can do to someone. I have been an emotional rollercoaster in trying to adjust to this way of life. I at least didn't wake to another anxiety attack. I still had a few minutes of fear hit me as I woke and sobered up to the thought that we were still in isolation. Similar to how a prisoner would for a few days after being thrown in confinement. 

 

I think once we reach next Thursday I know we will be on the downhill and things will be easier. Although I know if might not be that 3 weeks will see an end to it, but even if it is extended by a week, that week will only be one more. Again, this is all speculation, and we will have to wait and see.

 

However, now Boris himself has got the virus and being forced to remain in solitude - or at least I trust that is what he is doing - he will get a taste of just how horrible it feels to be stuck indoors with no social interaction. I hope that pays dividends on his considering the relaxing of the lockdown.

 

As I said to Hat in a reply just now, another suicide has hit the headlines of someone who simply cannot take the isolation. This is the harsh reality. You take away what little freedom someone with mental health problems has, and it can have disastrous consequences. 

 

That being said I must thank you for your prayers and such kind words in your reply last night. I wish I could show more bravery, but very little I can do. But then again, isn't it said that one of the most bravest things one can do, is nothing at all. It might have meaning here. 

 

I had a moment similar to your post-video call anxiety today. I forgot to speak with a client who was due to come to my flat for tuition this evening, obviously in thinking he wouldn't show due to the lockdown. But sure enough, he did show. We discussed the ramifications of it, and because he had travelled some distance, we concluded that we would continue. So I had just over an hour with a long standing client and I had forgotten all about the lockdown and felt so much better. But soon after, the sobering feeling hit me again, and instead of anxiety, it was a very very flat feeling. It is still there and hoping it will level out again soon. But this may be what happened to you. You almost get "emotionally drunk" in the moment, only then to sober up in its wake when reality hits you in the face like a wet fish.

 

Am a bit concerned about this instagram stuff going on, and I hope you have it under control. I know it must be difficult to curb the amount of time you dedicate to it, but that you must. Particularly at the moment. I worry that you will become more than the proverbial shoulder to cry on. Please be careful. I remember I had that once on another forum that I do not post to anymore - this one is my home and keeps me busy enough!

 

Anyway - tell me how things are going down in the country. Is the supply of food a problem? I see now that eggs have taken the place of toilet roll now!! Plenty of bog roll, but no damn eggs!! LOL. 

 

I am going to go back to my book. I tried reading earlier to get some distance from reality, and it was too difficult. I can usually lose myself quite quickly in a good book, but obviously my mind is still very much focused on the current media despite me really narrowing down on what I read on a daily basis. 

 

Again, wishing you and your family every bit of health.

 

Love you man

 

God Bless