2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Hi London...

 

Had myself an early night otherwise I would have seen your post - so exhausted! You are right not to take too much paracetamol - it can really go to town on GI and liver. But I am allergic to it (and most other OTC pain killers) so I have to put up with pain! I wish someone would prescribe me morphene for such times as it is one that I find I am not allergic to.

 

Very glad to hear that your depression has improved - do you think the progress of your anxiety has aided it in any way? 

 

Depersonalisation is a horrible thing, and it is like you are in a dream state not really knowing what is reality and what isn't. Difficult to explain. In some cases people report out of body experiences, but I have not had that. Just the scary not knowing what is "really" going on. Wife is back inside for last couple of days. Three walks over three days and her OCD has really flared up. I am doing all I can within my own energy limits to help her.

 

I woke from a third night of around 4 hours sleep this morning. Muscle twitches and a headache which defies belief. This Lexapro withdrawal is down right horrendous. I want to have a little cry but I know it will bring the wife crashing down. Anyway...

 

Again, glad you enjoyed the book. Nearly finished The Challenging Light. As I said, not quite the epic read of the first, but some nice passages. I will work my way through the collection on that webpage I sent. I know some will most likely be a little too "out there" for our liking, but interesting for the perspective.

 

Just a little anecdote for you. Felt really lousy as I struggled off to a client yesterday. As I was approaching my parked car there was a mother and child coming the other way and the child was in a little motorised cart. As I looked closer I saw the number plate sticker... LDN 1. Made me smile as if someone upstairs had put that in my path to remind me of the strength you have shown. 

 

Keep at it my friend - love and prayers from a few miles down the road.

[fishinghat]

LDN, have you been diagnosed with a specific condition causing the leg pain? Any similarity to sciatica?

[LDN]

Hi fishinghat my leg pain I think is caused by the cymbalta. When I was off the cymbalta last summer the leg pain went. It's pretty constant, but gets worse on some days. 

[LDN]

IUN man sounds like you have so much going on! The way to care for your wife is so beautiful with all you have going on. It's very moving to me your strength.

 

Firstly about your wife I had extreme OCD in 2012. I had to be hospitalised as I was days from taking my life. Thank God they had a bed and I was saved!! I had great CBT and exposure therapy in hospital and within about 3 or 4 months I was mostly over it. It's never come back since but is always in the background when I am extremely stressed or mentally over worked. I got very very lucky! I had very extreme OCD, so if you want hope for your wife I'm living proof you can conquer it. Obviously, I don't know how your wife's OCD manifests itself, but if you have any questions at all, please ask or PM. I'll just mention Prof. David Veale, I was under him. He was brilliant and he has written a book on OCD. I haven't read it but he really knows OCD. Please send my wife my best!

 

I'm so sorry about your sleep, wish I could do something!! I had heard that Lexapro was not meant to have withdrawal, so sorry about that. I'm always here to help my friend!! I feel your strength through the laptop screen!!

 

Love that anecdote, very moving! I found a little stone on the floor the other night, it might have come in on my shoe, but nevertheless I've kept it! It was after I had heard gail's amazing story!

 

The way you describe depersonalization is exactly what I'm feeling! Like living in a dream, as I said. It's scary when it's combined with such brutal depression! I'm worrying about my safety because I don't feel in control. I went to my therapist today and it was tough. I was so depressed this morning and I was really in such a bad place when I saw her. Feeling bit better this evening, but exhausted.

 

Hope gail is ok! Love you gail!!

 

Also saw on another thread you have long hair. I used to. As you say there is not too many of us in England! I'm picturing a bit of a John Lennon hippy vibe, is that close? 

 

Love and prayers too you!! Keep strong. We're in it together my man!

[gail]

London,

Just a short reply here. Can you spare a few prayers for me, thank you. I need them to be go Through this harsh period. I will update tomorrow when I know better what's going on. You'll find me in my GOING HOME thread. Thanks love.

IUN, long hair, I love long hair on a man.

[invalidusername]

Late one from yourself there LDN - hope you had a good sleep after your therapist visit. I managed around 6 hours last night, so a step in the right direction.

 

Thanks for the info about David Veale - his background is very impressive. President and then fellow of the BABCP and consultant to the Priory's flagship centre. I'm looking at his books on Amazon and also see he has one on health anxiety, so I think I will invest in that for myself as well as the OCD book for the other half. Thanks a lot. Sounds like it could be a really useful tool.

 

Her OCD stems from early childhood and a sense of self-worth. She feels everyone is judging her, and it obviously gets worse when outside with strangers as they will judge on her looks, this makes her paranoid about her looks etc. And so it goes on. This manifests in comulsive actions of blinking, staring at the wall, wanting to turn door knobs, radiator thermostats. Any of that sound familiar??

 

Lexapro has for sure got a withdrawal! Fortunately I am used to them by now, but the tolerance doesn't get any easier! I am just more aware of what it withdrawal and what isn't. 

 

So - sounds like you have a touch of depersonalisation too! Yes - it is scary. I really feel for you. It really is a case that you do not feel in control. I am sure this will have had a bearing on your depression too. I really hope you can get a hold on your depression - it can be so crippling. So isolating. I am really glad you have found the forum so we can talk about it all. Do you feel as though your therapist is helping?

 

Compelled to say that my depression is back this morning. I woke and felt better about getting more sleep and immediately started with self-sabotage. Things like, so you have overcome the sleep... so what? Like your life is worth struggling to overcome these things for? It is nasty, sneaky and is really messing my head. It has happened before and I worry it will be difficult this time as I am used to a comfort zone of feeling ill and anxious. You take this away, and it uncovers depression. Viscous circle. Talking therapy will really help, but I am still waiting for this to come through.

 

A John Lennon vibe would be quite accurate! I even have the glasses! Always had long hair, and been a vegetarian. 

 

We need to concentrate a lot of prayer energy to our sister counterpart, Gail. Very trying times and we need what is best for her to see them through. Bless you, Gailage!

 

Will look forward to hearing how your day goes later. Strength, strength and more strength. And then some! 

[gail]

Notmyself,

This is so appreciated, my eyes are moisty. Thank you so much! Love

Scrat, going through a lot here with the bad news of the bone scan. I will know more tomorrow. Son and ex husband coming to help me. Your prayers are so appreciated. Lovage

[TryinginFL]

My dear Gail,

I am so happy to hear that you have help and prayers continue for you.

Much love

[LDN]

Gail I have been thinking and praying for you all day, even before I saw your post just now. You are so special! I wish I was with you right now to help! I feel a real bond with you and feel so much love! I will praying and sending all my love and positive energy! I feel so honoured to have met you, I really do! Remember 

 

THE HIDDEN GRACE OF PAIN AND SUFFERING

HANG IN THERE, KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
THERE'S A BIGGER PICTURE THAT YOU WILL SEE ONE DAY
THAT WILL BRING YOU PEACE AND UNDERSTANDING
LIKE YOU CAN NEVER IMAGINE. 

 

 

GOD BLESS AND SO MUCH LOVE!

[LDN]

Hey IUN that's so cool are you a beatles fan? My Lyme disease doctor is a HUGE fan of John Lennon and so recently when I'm up to listening to music I have going through a lot of the beatles! 

 

So I was under David Veale and within minutes of meeting him he completely got my condition, didn't seem fazed at all and said 'we can treat that, no problem'. I've heard that a lot from doctors but in this case he was completely right! So my personal experience of him is top class! Within a few months I went from my death bed to going out every day and all over London. I would say it's the one time in my illness when I have made a very quick recovery. I actually often forget I had OCD, I guess that shows how well I recovered! Obviously that's just my personal subjective experience. So your wife behaviour sounds very familiar. For me as I say it was very extreme. My whole day was rituals and compulsive behaviour. It affected every facet of my life, meals, getting out of bed, washing hands.  I have nothing like that anymore, haven't for years. 

 

Yeah I'm going to bed later and later at the moment. I stay up all night. In a bit of rut. I haven't got the energy to fight it with so much going on. Go to bed at about 8 am at the mo and get up 4 pm. I know it's crazy and I do feel great shame over it. But I will be able to change it, just at the moment got so much else to face. Also, I like the quiet. I go to bed late anyway but would prefer 6ish to 8. It's not my main concern at the moment but something to work on for sure! 

 

My therapist is very kind and helps with exposure therapy and anxiety, self worth and confidence. My psychiatrist is brilliant for depression, totally gets it and is so understanding about. I emailed her last night and she sent back a lovely email this morning. I have a really great bond with her and that I can tell her anything. So in a way she is a 2nd therapist as well for me. I'm very lucky that I got a good team around me. I hadn't had therapy since my OCD till I started in January this year. I hope you can get yours sorted, will make a huge difference I think. I get similar thought patterns to you before and therapy helps so much by bursting the bubble and making them seem less scary and more normal. Do you think you will start soon? 

 

Great news about the sleep!! I'm in awe of you I must say. When I'm struggling I go 'Think of IUN and how brave he is and what he has to face, and how courageous he is with his challenges'. Your right that finding this forum has been a gift. 

 

Off to Oxford tomorrow for my ketamine assessment. Not looking forward to the journey in friday traffic. Dreading it actually! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hi London,

What a beautiful post. Improvement here and there. You remind me of myself, battling mental issues at the same time of physical issues. One would be enough, don't you think?

Today is a big day here, meeting the oncologist with my supporting team. So many bones have Mets, we'll discuss the WHAT TO DO WITH WHAT. Thank God for my son Jayson and Pierre, best friend, ex husband. Good listener. How many times I have cried over the phone with him, they live almost two hours from here.

And I am sooo grateful for my forum team. No, I am not alone! One day, I will see the bigger picture behind all that suffering.

London, thanks for listening! Love

[invalidusername]

Evening LDN,

 

Can't say that I am a fan od the beatles per se, although I was once in a beatles cover band. I can pretty much listen to anything, but my preference goes towards lounge - something slow, melodic and relaxing.

 

Sounds like this David is a bit of a guru - and from looking at his bio, he should be as it has been his speciality for such a long time, and he has didicated his life to it by the looks. Its great when you can find someone like that that gets it right first time. I long for the day that my talking sessions start up - hopefully in the next 2-3 months. I know they will really help me as you say. You are so lucky to have that team around you - and rightly so - you are worth it, and really hope it all works out for you.

 

You are exactly like me with the hours of going to bed. I love the quiet that it brings. Is a double-edged sword though because I can easily get woken by sounds in the morning living close to the city. But there is no shame in it. I used to sleep around 6-7am at one stage, but managed to reel it back to arounf 4am now. And you are right, with what you have got going on at the moment, it is best to leave such moves until you are more settled. 

 

Unfortunately sleep eluded me again last night - got about 3 hours, woke up and just couldn't move. I was so zoned out and still couldn't fall asleep. Its got me so stressed and the slightest thing triggers me off. It isn't anxiety exactly, it is just that I want to run home, draw the curtains, jump in the bed and lock myself away from everything and everyone. I managed some work, but most of the time I was getting irritable, restless and sweating. But I just got on with life - a "give me your worst" kind of attitude. 

 

I was going to ask about your assessment as I have been reading up about the clinic in Oxford. Is all part of and NHS environment I see, but still has to be funded - is that right? I will be really really interested to see how it all goes for you. I can well imagine being nervous about the traffic - did someone drive you? I sincerely hope you had good company. If you were taking the M25 and A roads, it can be a nasty thing to endure. Looking forward to hearing the news later!!

[TryinginFL]

Hope all went well for you LDN 😊

I'm sorry to hear about your sleep problems IUN ..

I was having that as well for months and finally am able to sleep 6 to 7 hours a night even with waking up once but go back to sleep again right away.

then again there is the occasional trip I must make because one of the dogs wants to go out 😡

[LDN]

I love you gail! I hope everything went well today. You were in my thoughts and prayers all day and last night. I woke in the night and was praying for you as I woke! 

 

Yes very similar! One would be hard enough! I was in hospital as well today for my ketamine assessment. So happy you have support with you! All of us on here are with you as well!!

 

so much love 

 

God bless

[LDN]

IUN oh man I'm so tired lol!! 4 hours in a car today with all the traffic in London on the way out and in! I got the green light and so I start in 5 weeks, first week of June. The longest patient the Prof. had was 6 years, so he said he doesn't know the long term effects, it is a risk but then antidepressants as we know aren't exactly angels!!! I've had 15 ECT so don't think this will be as bad, wasn't fun having your memory messed with!! Thankful had my mum and dad to do driving and some company. Was actually a good exposure being out of the house for so long, went into a petrol station as well. Nice to some green fields as well! Yeah it was at an NHS hospital but it has to be funded. I think because it is only place in UK that advertises it and ketamine isn't on licence for depression yet. I think I'm part of an ongoing study, linked to Oxford Uni. The Prof. said during the infusion people some leave their bodies and can even have an NDE. So maybe i'll have some stories to tell after lol!!

 

Yeah I'm very very lucky! Having had an almost 6 year gap since my last therapy before this Jan it was long gap. It's so tough to find the right one though, so I hope and pray you can get sorted soon and get a good one. How is your wife? I hope she doing ok. Does she plan on getting therapy? If you want I PM you with more details of my OCD if it would be useful? Since it's literally the one thing I've managed to recover from, it's a nice reminder for me that you can overcome things that seem impossible. 

 

Man really sorry about your sleep. Gutted. I'll keep praying. Hopefully, it'll blow over after a bit longer off the Lexapro.  'it is just that I want to run home, draw the curtains, jump in the bed and lock myself away from everything and everyone.' - I relate to this so so much! Pretty much my default mindset for years! In fact a few years ago when I was at the worst of ME and lyme that's what I basically did. I was so ill physically it meant I could just sleep and sleep. Some days 14 hours.  Your very brave and thank you so much for all your positive energy! I really can feel it and it means so much!! We're in this together my friend!! 

 

What sort of stuff is lounge? I like portishead which I know is trip-hop but has maybe a chill vibe. Also which beatle where you in the band? I guess John Lennon if you have the look. 

 

Sending love.I hope you realise how inspiring your life is to me. I am learning so much from you!!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Great news!! You are in for the treatment! They will obviously need to cover their back against the long term stuff. So, was there certain criteria that you had to meet? Would there be anything stopping someone turning up and saying I've had depression x years and tried x AD's and now I want this? 

 

Also noted that they are using Ketamine rather than the Esketamine that has just got the FDA approval. I know the two are very similar. So you will get your first infusion in June... and then will it be a case of determining what comes after? I have heard that people can be cured within 3 months of treatment, having an infusion after 2 weeks for a bit, then a 4 week, but then other reports seem to suggest an ongoing treatment plan? Very confusing, and damn expensive if you need continual infusions every fortnight - not to mention the inconvenience as it is a full day job as you need to rest up for a while after the treatment.

 

NDE experience on the stuff? Really? That throws a spanner in the theories of a few that I have read. Going to have to look into this further...

 

So the wife, she is far from impressed with the NHS mental health after seeing what they have put me through, so she doesn't want to go near their services. She tried talking therapy once - made it through 4 sessions and couldn't do any more as it was too much for her talking to a stranger. Personally, I think she had the wrong person - as you say, it is important and tricky to find the right one. If there is anything that you could point out in terms of ways to address OCD, we would be very grateful. Obviously, the book will be a good start when it arrives. I will drop you a PM in a bit...

 

Sleep was the same last night - I am getting so so tired, irritabe and restless now. I tried to read when it hit, but I just can't hold the book open - or my eyes. I am so tired, but my brain refuses to let me sleep. I sort of drift for a second, and then something in my head goes "ooooh no you don't" and jolts me awake again. I hate it. So much. It is making things quite unbearable at the moment. Hope the melatonin arrives monday and helps a bit. 

 

Cover band was just the music - we didn't go as far as looking like them - I was guitar thou. We later turned into a Police cover band!

 

Lounge... well this is one of my all time faves - see what you think;

 

[LDN]

Must say feeling pretty bad today! Something the psychiatrist said assessing me really bothering me. I told him I was too ill to take up my uni offer. We were then talking about negative thoughts and he said along the lines of 'When have thoughts that you are a failure, to a degree that's true because you didn't go to university'. After in the car my mum was pretty angry. It's just so strange to me how me having an illness (depression) is failure? It not like I chose to be ill? I mean i'm just struggling with the logic of it? And to come from a Oxford professor? I'm too sensitive for this world I think. I'm breaking my back every day to get through and I told I'm a 'failure'? I understand that there's a context to what he said, but why even go there when I'm fighting for my life. It would be nice if doctors could occasionally praise your bravery or fight. I'm too thin skinned I know, but I don't what to be somebody without a heart you know??

 

Anyway just really worked me up. Not sure I even want to do it now, which is very juvenile isn't it. The interview was a lot of slightly aggressive questions - 'why do you need it?', 'what would you do with it if it made you better?'. I had to be switched on because I wanted the treatment, and needed to give right answers. It's like I'm suicidal and i've got to put on a brave face and do a job interview. 

 

I've lost all motivation now, like why bother if I'm just going to be called a failure? Might as well just go to bed and not see anybody you know. Still I made myself go out in the street today and walked till the end of the road, so I haven't given up just yet lol!!

 

So basically you have 3 iv's over 3 consecutive mondays. Then after a month the doctor will call me and asses where I am it and if it worked. Then we go from there. I think if it works you continue to have once about every 4 to 6 weeks. It's not ideal by any means, and I wouldn't do it if things weren't desperate. Also I really don't want to have ECT again, can't face losing my memory again. If this doesn't work then I going to try rTMS. ECT really last option. I have to be proactive with this depression, I have a responsibility to my family to try everything. 

 

If you want to do it your GP or psychiatrist to send a letter of referral, that's about it. 

 

I don't get the NDE bit because your not dying? I've read people have seen God etc. while having infusions. I guess works similar to LSD. 

 

Man sorry about your sleep. I guess were both feeling fed up today!

 

I can't listen to music right now, I'm too sensitive to sound but when I can I'll take a listen. 

 

We've got to keep each other going right now!!

 

God Bless

[fishinghat]

Idiot dr.

Don't feel bad LDN, I haven't been able to listen to music for nearly 20 years know. o have always been sensitive to sound though.

[invalidusername]

Hi LDN.

 

First off, my sincere apologies - I forgot your tolerance for music. I wasn't thinking straight. 

 

I can well imagine what you must have thought after what the psychiatrist said to you. What a horrible thing to say! What do people think? That we sabotage ourselves so that we get to this state? Nothing sensitive about that. I would have for sure been the same. You did very well to have been under the heavy fire of those questions too. Bringing all the emotions to the surface. And a cracking job that you managed to get down the street and back again. 

 

I had a bit of a lift when I woke to see that I had slept 7 hours! But out of nowhere, I started feeling stressed, then within minutes I became suicidal, then I felt as though I was going crazy. Then after a valium, I came too and was back to hopeless and suicidal. I am a little better as I write, but very much a case of "no point in feeling any better as it is Monday tomorrow, and it'll all happen again". Sorry to put this out there, but I feel like I have lost the last fight in me. I just need to keep telling myself it is the withdrawal.

 

Spurred on by your effort, I too got myself up and out for a walk. It was you that helped. Every step of the way. I was imagining you finding the strength to do what you did yesterday which somehow got me out of bed. For this, I thank you so much.

 

I can really understand that ECT is no longer an option. A friend of mine went through it and had similar problems. She also had lithium therapy with disasterous consequences. Fortunately she is now stable on a cockail of medications, but has suffered as a result of being a lab rat. I have read that the Ketamine destroys the affected cells that are causing the depression and allow new ones to be created, which is how patients can be at the point where they no longer need the infusions. But there are still those that continue to have them every x weeks as a top up - but if it continues to work, then why not. What an amazing lease of life it will bring! 

 

I looked up the NDE effects and as it pans out, the chances are few and far between, and you are more likely to have a bad trip feeling than a NDE. Only a small percentage have a "bright light" and a feeling of family passed on being around them. According to studies, this occured in something like 4% of users, whereas the effects of NDE are always the same. Ketamine users also do not report incidences from other people from outside where they are, whereas NDE do. They do indeed seem to be mutually exclusive.

 

Well, I will sign off for now. Thanks for PM - I want to show the wife so she can weigh in. I have to be honest, it is a very scary read. It is amazing what you have been through. God bless you and your parents. I am so glad you have their support.

 

Let's keep going together...

[LDN]

Thanks fishinghat.

 

No worries IUN it comes and goes. Been without for a while but when it comes back i'll check it out. 

 

Also I was paying for the meeting and without my permission they were two students in the room watching?! He said at the last minute is that ok, i wasn't happy but couldn't say no. I felt like a zoo animal!! Doctors need to remember we are HUMAN BEINGS as well!! I've got a heart, I'm not a robot. Felt just like a lab rat. It felt abusive, like poke me here and see what happens. The doctor also said I'll have my condition 'for decades', maybe that's true, but not very encouraging. He only met me for 30 mins and he knows my future! I want his crystal ball!

 

My depression makes me feel like I'm already worthless but now my brain just saying 'FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE'. 

 

Had awful day as well IUN. Crazy anxiety all day. I had a nap, and it was like my body just going complete nuts. Felt like my soul trying to leave my body. Your words mean so much to me, trust me!! You sound like your going through hell. I relate to your feelings so much. I have so much empathy for you, it's so horrible isn't? You wouldn't wish it on anybody. Unless you've experienced it, it almost impossible to understand. It's so hard to describe, but I feel you 100%!  I've felt too tired to go on for about a month now, but still just here. I making myself go out in the street everyday now, it is very very scary some days but I just force myself, I have nothing to lose anymore. It has taken years to get to this point though. It's the 1st time I'm walking out in the street since Lyme in 2013. So nearly 6 years.

 

Yesterday I was outside and had this thought 'God is with me, I have nothing to fear' and suddenly I felt much, much better. It was a beautiful moment. I'm trying to hold on to that moment, just thinking about is making me feel good. I don't know if it was a religious experience but it felt like I was saw the truth and everything felt less scary. God is just giving me so much strength right now, I can feel it. Finding God has been a revelation. I was just want to say thank you God, I love you so much! 

 

I'm sorry if my PM was disturbing, it's just I wanted to show how I got cured even though it was so severe for me. I just wanted your wife to know that there is so much hope, as I am proof. Also it was nice for me to get off my chest, thank you for listening. It reminds of what I have overcome, which helps the present pain. But again sorry, and god bless you for your support.   

 

I had one more thought, have you heard of online CBT, or an app? I haven't tried it, but I've read about it. That and Dr. Veale's book might in the short term be a nice start. Would mean she could do it from home. Just an idea. I would say exposures a very important, but it has to come from the individual. Encouragement is great and very important, but as you'll know you can't force anything and people need space to breath and do things at their pace. There is no one way of doings things, everybody has their own pace. 

 

Thank you for everything IUN. Sending your and your wife nothing but love. Your giving me so much strength right now, so much!! Were in this together!!

 

Remember 'God is with me, I have nothing to fear'.

 

God Bless

[KathyInFL]

Xoxo

[gail]

Dear London,

I read your post with gusto. That moment with God, cherish it. I envy you. Such strength coming from a young girl of 26. Your writing and describing are a great force for you.

Don't forget me, I'm one of the muskateers even if I don't write long posts. It's not in me.

All that to say how brave you are. And IUN is of great consolation. I'm proud to be a muskateer! Peace is at the beginning of the end. God is with me, I have nothing to fear.

[invalidusername]

I had the exact same thing!! My first meeting with the NHS Mental Health team. I walked into the room, and there they were - students! "Oh, do you mind them being here?". Like I could say at the moment. Knowing that I was in a severely anxious state, I thought it horrific. Of course you felt bloody awkward and on show! How awful that they do this...

 

An amazing feat that you manage your walk every day. This is how it is done, but so few people realise this. Do you take any benzos or similar to get relief at any time? I cannot stand it when it gets to the point that you just want to tear your own skin off and dissapear in a cloud of smoke. I sometimes feel like my life is a box round me and I cannot move. Constricted. This is the current period of the withdrawal. I simply cannot relax - at all. I am longing for it to pass and I know it must as it is too coincidental to have started exactly when I stopped the Lexapro.

 

You describe a lovely moment. God, and your guides are with you. We are here to feel something, to learn something that we cannot do in the beyond. We made plans to live what we are living through. For some reason we need to live through this to benefit us greatly when in spirit. As you have said times before, we will not know ust yet - and maybe not while we are in physical form. 

 

The wife had to stop me reading your message part way through. It hit a nerve and she told me more stuff that happened before that I didn't know. I am picking my moments, but there is a troubled mind in there and keeping it in is not helping her - but it is what she knows best to do. And yes, everyone has their own pace - you are absolutely right. I also feel honoured for you to have shared with me. I feel there will be more to come between us.

 

Off to have a soak in the bath before dinner. Hopefully this will help to calm me a bit. Sincerely hope your anxiety abated a bit and you had a bit of relief today. Please do, fill me in!

 

God Bless my dear friend.

[LDN]

GAIL I never forget you, trust me! Your always in my thoughts.

 

Your posts always fill me with warmth! Your a truly special person. Your heart is so big. I am too so proud to be one of the 3 musketeers!! I wish I could be with you right now. Having to fight depression and have all your physical pain. I know how hard it is right now for you. You a are in suffering so much and yet you can still send me such a wonderful message! In you I can see Jesus. In some people he shows himself more, and you are one of them. This week ahead I am with you every step of the way. Imagine that I'm holding your hand through the tough moments. Because we both have physical and mental pain, like you said we have this special bond. You help on my journey to God. He showed himself to me through you. I really hope you know just how much strength to you have given me. Meeting you on here has life changing for me. 

 

When I felt God it was not just me but everyone. So I had to spread his word. I felt it in my bones that all will be well and must spread the news. 

 

God is with me, I have nothing to fear. It say over and over again. Thank you God for sending me Gail!!!!!

 

You, me and IUN - 3 Musketeers!!!!!  I am very emotional. We were all send for each other! Lets get through to Friday together and then you can go home.

 

PS. I'm a guy, but sorry if I haven't made that clear!

 

I know I write a lot sorry!!! 

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

IUN hey my friend. Yeah I take 2 0.5 clonazapams before afternoon nap and then 1 0.5 before bed. I also take chlorpromazine 25mg at night before bed. I was on more in the past, at most 4mg clonazapam a day (8 0.5mg), but I would get stressed out on deciding when to take one. I would be asking myself 'I am I anxious enough' and that just meant I spend all the time thinking about it. So last year I started to cut down, and now just stay on 3 0.5 a day. I like taking it at a set time because then I don't have have to overthink the rest of the time. My physiatrist has offered me to take more if needs be but I so far have coped. The chlorpromazine helps anxiety a lot, but makes my muscles weak. Ideally I'll stop it, but only when my depression is better. It's a trade off I have to accept. 

 

I'm sure it's the Lexapro withdrawal. It will get better. Man things are so so tough for you right now. Your words hit home to me. I feel you 100%. Your doing amazing. You should be very very proud of how your doing. 

 

I'm sorry about your wife. I was worried I might trigger her. I'm so sorry. I suppose the good thing is she has been able to tell you some of her story. That's a great start. Some people just can't open at all. When I first got depressed I didn't talk to anyone about it, not even my parents, not professionals, no one for about a year. My parents were pleading with me to go to see the doctor, but I flat out refused, until finally I broke down at Heathrow before a flight to America and thought I can't do this. I then told them everything and agreed to get help. But it needed that catalyst of about to get on a flight and leave them to do it. Opening up is very very hard, but time in my case has shown it to get easier. In a way you have to just have trust God's timing. I feel for your wife and admire her bravery very much! She's has you!! Like gail you make me have faith in the world. You are very unique, sensitive person. It is truly a wonderful gift I have found you. Though we have found each other through pain, and so happy to have found you two. 

 

I have you in my thoughts when I do my exposures. Knowing how hard you have to fight each and every day and then still can come on here and give me so much love and support. It's gives me a huge boost of strength. Connections in moments of pain are so important, so thanking you God for guiding me here! 

 

'We made plans to live what we are living through. For some reason we need to live through this to benefit us greatly when in spirit.' - This 100%. Remembering this gives great strength to me. The peace we will feel one day will be indescribable. And everything will be wonderful. I've read this from Jesus, prophets, mystics, people who have had spiritual or near-death experiences. They all say the same thing. It will be nothing but love. I  can feel it in me deep down. 

 

Today was a better, less anxiety thankfully. Got psychiatrist tomorrow. Hope that bath helped!!

 

We'll keep working together. 

 

God Bless 

[gail]

Hi London,

As always, a beautiful post. Today is less heavy, keeping busy by preparing for my vacations.
As it was said, we share a bond brought by suffering.

When I learned that I had six months to live, last June, I wanted three things. To be rid of the depression, for my kids and friends to believe in God, lastly,for people to see God or Jesus in me. My three wishes. You reminded me of that when you said that you saw Jesus in me.
Thank you, one wish has been realized, I hope for more to come.

The second wish is coming around, when the kids say to me that they have prayed for me. Never heard that on my past surgeries.

The first wish, well, to be free of depression, has not been realized yet. I'm waiting for a miracle. If I had lived in the time of Jesus, be sure that I would have gone running after him to touch his tunic. And beg him to deliver me from those mental issues.

I'm still begging, you can't imagine how! Years and years of begging. Now, I need a siesta, again thanks London!

[invalidusername]

Was welling up just now when I read about Gailage's third wish. Absolutely no doubt in my head about it being covered. Like LDN said, to go through waht you do and to still find the strength to come to the forum every day with words that brighten us all up... well, there are no words.

 

So, my dear friend LDN. I thought there may be clon involved somewhere, and again, my thoughts are shared by you! When is the anxiety "anxious enough"? Like we need to add more stress to the situation, right?! LOL. I have a habit of thinking I will be weak if I take a benzo, or that I will be cheating myself by feeling "artifitially" better. Silly I know... welcome to my head!

 

No need to apologise for the wife situation - I am glad I got some more information from it. So if anything, you have helped already. These things just take time.... as we all know too well between us "three sensitive musketeers"! 

 

Can I ask, if you don't mind, what your fear is when you do your exposures? What do you feel would be the worst scenario? Mine for example is being sick in public, or being stuck somewhere that I have no escape from - like the car breaking down. It is all about control. Completely irrational of course. And have you ever been through EMDR? If so, any guidance on that? I want to give it a go.

 

Will be looking forward to hearing how you got on with the psy today. I really need to kick off about getting to see someone, but now is not the time. The stress of it all will push me over the edge. I'll get there. Again, it is all the timing that will happen... well, when it is meant to happen. I think we have a part to play in it to a degree as in order to learn we must have decisions and roles to play out in our lives. I am reading Brain Weiss at the moment. Fantastic stuff. Have you read any of his books? Remarkable that he felt so moved by what he heard through his first patient who connected with past lives, that he risked his reputation as a Yale educated psy to tell others. The evidence is quite compelling to say the least.

 

Just having a somewhat late dinner this end... so will sign off for now. Thinking of you. 

[LDN]

I would be the same Gail. I always wish I was alive when Jesus was. Though he lives on, through people like yourself and IUN! Exited for your vacations! You have a real gift - I see Jesus so much in you! 

 

IUN - bad bad day here. Horrific combination of depersonalisation and piercing depression. Found it hard to connect with my psychiatrist emotionally, I'm really struggling to connect with people right now. Just my brain not attuned to interaction. Feel like I'm talking to a wall. I feel so so lonely over here. I was thinking today 'i'm completely alone'. It's like the loneliness is worse when I'm with people, because I'm not 100% there with them. It terrifying and I'm just struggling to handle it. The wave after wave of depression is just dehumanising. I'm just getting pummelled with it. Like it can't be healthy to have to withhold such intense sadness. Somehow I have to march on. But my oh my it's tough out here! 

 

Feeling pressure as well over the ketamine. Got my confirmation letter today and it said I need more of a plan for the future. I just can't face that right now. It's one day as it comes, not a time for big grand schemes. I really want the treatment, but feel very uncomfortable with the pressure exerted on me to 'make the most of it'. So I'm a bit stuck. 

 

In terms of fear, for me it's being uncomfortable in my condition. Feeling the stigma around mental health. I fear humiliation. I fear being judged. I fear seeing people I know and having to explain my situation. I fear I'm too sensitive to cope. I fear the uncertainty. I like having as much control over my condition as possible, going out feels losing all control. I'm like your wife, I fear if people look at me they are judging. I feel cut off, like I'm this crazy guy who should be locked up. The old attitudes to mental health in the past and in other cultures I find weighs on my shoulders very very heavy. I always think I would locked up in another country. I feel a sense of being cut off from the world. These are the things I'm trying to overcome when I go out. I'm at the point of fighting being more of an effort than going with the flow. What will be will be. I trust God, I put myself in his hands. It's liberating, to just let go and let the stream take you where it takes you. 

 

That the key for me now - it's more effort and stressful trying to control everything than just letting go. I still feel so much fear but just push on. I'm just too tired to fight everything anymore, so I just let life come at me and do it's worse. 

 

Got therapy tomorrow. 

 

Lots and lots of love brother. We're both stuck right now. At least we can share our pains. I feel what you say so much. 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey LDN.... you still getting the depersonalisation? I am sorry to hear that. That may have a lot to do with feeling alone that you talk about. I remember it having that effect with me - although there are obviously other factors at work. But I know where of you speak. It is live there is you.. and then everyone else on the planet. Two different races. You become engulfed in your own little world that you think no-one could ever understand or penetrate. Sound familiar?

 

I cannot believe you are being dragged through the motions for this damn Ketamine!! Honestly. Do these people not understand? It isn't like you are being give a massive grant and you have to justify everything. This is a service... that you are paying for! Upsets me a bit, and obviously makes me feel sorry for you, but you know you gotta do it. Reach inside and search for that little bit of strength to satisfy these stupid red tape issues. It will be worth it. But if you feel yourself getting wound up, put it to one side. Walk away and wait.

 

The wife read your paragraph about your fear and agreed that it is just like her own condition - and you would be locked up in other countries - many of us would. But a lot of these countries side more towards therapy as AD's aren't really in abundance and are very expensive. And it often works out better to just put these people on a ward and leave them there. I really wish there was more done to understand mental health. Like you say, there is still such a stigma attached. 

 

My day has unfortunately followed similar lines - it has not been good. Depression greeted me when I woke and kept probing me until I cracked. I just kept saying.. its the pills, the withdrawal, but inevitably the thoughts took over... you've been saying that for months... it'll never end yada yada. I succumbs to kratom about an hour ago and the edge has gone off it thankfully. I still feel I have "cheated", but I have got to get passed this. It IS withdrawal, and I will get better by having these moments of calm, so why on earth do I give myself a hard time for taking the stuff. We need to practise some self-compassion.

 

Anyway. Let me know how you got on with the day. I want to support you as much as I can. I know the last paragraph wasn't exactly encouraging, but it helps me to offload and write it down somehow. I hope you don't mind! 

 

Need to keep thoughts with our third musketeer missing in action as she prepares for her surgery. Double the prayers people!!

 

God Bless.