2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey brother!! OH WOW!!!! What an incredible exposure!!! STUNNING! You are knocking out of the park recently! The 35 minute drive to that meeting and now this!! So so proud of you brother! And sounds like you can see what an amazing achievement it is as well! SO happy to hear you acknowledge your IMMENSE achievements!! You are always such an inspiration brother!!! 

 

So how have you been getting around to clients without your car?

 

Just incredible you could do all this while you weren't on holiday!! Having to fit it in around all your work and shopping, amazing! To be honest I am not surprised because I know how insanely brave you are! Plus I have had a good feeling about you for long time now! After what you have overcome in these 2 years, you find things that were hard are now much easier! You have such a huge heart and soul!!! I am delighted for you! This is just the beginning for you brother! I am so excited for you! So much joy awaits you! Not just in the Summerland but in this earth experience as well!!! 

 

I am so delighted and so proud!!! Wonderful to read! 

 

I had therapy today and other than just the same! Sleep and feeling tired! I sound like a stuck record LOL!! First time I have been out in 2 weeks to an appointment. 

 

So proud again! Don't doubt yourself brother!!! You are amazingly courageous to have done that!! You are doing amazingly!!! 

 

So much love!!

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Lovey, thanks for sharing your experience, it was one of the hardest thing to go through. Thank you also for your love and compassion, you have a beautiful soul and doing work on forgiveness demands a lot of self love. I'm so happy that you joined the forum. Love.

Scrat, you do understand the process. Thanks for your empathy and your presence.
And you managed to fix your car, and nothing bad happened. Thank you God. BTW, what model and year of that precious car? Lovage

London, always good words towards me, thank you. The I love you was for and from myself. You know how much difficulty I have with the word LOVE. it's getting better with time. I always thought that you needed to be perfect to love yourself. Thanks London, you help me a lot. Love

Fishinghat, a man of few words, but I sure appreciated your few words. Love.

[Lovey]

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me! Thx ldn, gail, iun, fh, frog, mxpro, polly, anyone i have talked to here.

Still sick with flu or virus, whatever it is but worked today. Much needed rest now. Sending love!!

[invalidusername]

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me! Thx ldn, gail, iun, fh, frog, mxpro, polly, anyone i have talked to here.

Still sick with flu or virus, whatever it is but worked today. Much needed rest now. Sending love!!

 

Er... you don't have a nasty cough with it do you?! :S

[Lovey]

No not much of a cough. It takes FOREVER for colds to pass thru me. I'm an excellent host! They can't take a hint as to when its time to call it a night! Usually anything like this lasts 10-14 days. Today is day 8. Ugh. I have some autoimmune ussues so that plays into it.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thanks for the kind words. Wheels went back on the car today - admittedly in the worst rain storm ever... but the job was done! Just tomorrow to get through, 5 clients worth, and then a breather! Oh, and Gailage, my lovely chariot is an Audi TT. Good old quality German engineering! It is my baby - it wants for nothing - and is probably a little too fast for most people

 

My weekend friend loaned me her car... again... for the duration. She is such a help to me in times like this. The only downside is, as a result of the parking restriction, her car is not registered to park in my neighbourhood, so I have had to park about 1/2 mile away everytime I come back to the flat and walk. That has taken plenty of time - particularly when it has been raining and I have had bags of shopping

 

Mrs Scrat is continuing her bad week, but she has vowed to go to the doctor next week to sort out this referral that I have set up. My friend who was in depression for 6 years said it was the same group that got her out of her "bad place", so I have a lot of faith for the future. I just need Mrs Scrat to make that brave effort to go to the doctor. I will of course take her there and go in with her, but even that will be very difficult for her. I will keep you all updated, but her progress is my eventual progress. The only reason I felt a little low for about an hour today was because I was continually picturing her alone in the flat on her phone with nothing else to do. It does get me down... but as we all know, we need to make that first step ourselves. Only we can cure ourselves....

 

Right - it's going to be a short one as you can see I am late this evening. I'm under deadline for research as the last few days have been taken up with car stuff, I have not done as much as I should have. But I want to read and meditate to!! Can't wait for the weekend to wind down....

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Still buzzing for you!! Unreal stuff! So so happy! 

 

I have a very early start so will have to be short. Well for me it is very early LOL!!! 

 

Sounds a great idea to have a total relax this weekend and I would definitely advise that! You are doing so so well but you still need to take it steady and have moments to tack stock! Wow man walking 1/2 mile with the shopping, that is mad!!! Bravo for that!! 

 

I have since last night had bad depression, in particular very low self esteem and self loathing. Very used to it but still not much fun LOL!! Had some anxiety today as well. So not great but it is what it is. Nothing unusual or new. I am an expert at self loathing to be fair LOL!!! 

 

Have a good day tomorrow brother!! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

It is what it is. Well said London, and this too shall pass. Bad days, good days, it is what it is. We just need acceptance of these moments. So easy to say as I am going through a bad phase. My mind can't stop with futilities.

I try to busy myself with something else rather than me myself and I. That's the worst aspect of my mental illness. Mrs Scrat, rooting for you here. As Lovey said, I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH Christ who strengthens me. A hard first step the first time but well worth it, I believe. Scrat talked about a woman saying that the group saved her life. You have the chance that you are not alone, Scrat will be with you all the way. In a sense, you are blessed!love

Comfortable Audi, tried it once and so comfortable. Lovage!

Lovey, good to see you here. A cold!!!5 more days. When it's not one thing, it's another! Love!

Sweet London, what an experience for a spiritual being,that we can do without! We all love you so much. I don't know much about self loathing, but knowing you, you will get through it.

Better days for all of us. I love you all and thanks for being there. Without you, my life would seem empty.

PS, my wings are growing slowly, must have something to do with my overactive brain. If I can go through this bad phase....I always do, but when? My quality of life is not the best in these times! Hope is what I need and prayers of course. Thank you!

[invalidusername]

Hope is what I need and prayers of course. 

 

Well for one, you have my prayers Gailage. Just starting out on my very long Friday. 5 clients has become 6 clients - and another 2 more tomorrow...

 

Just had wheel alignment on my Audi... £120!! So I need to take on the extra few clients. So much for a quiet weekend... but prayers for us all will be said before leaving the flat this morning.

 

Love to all for showing such wonderful strength. I am with you all in spirit...

[Lovey]

Dr.Caroline Leaf has over 100 podcasts " guiding cleaning up the mental mess" I listened to #122 today, "becoming more comfortable with uncertainty," something to this effect. Got some very good tips. I listened on Spotify but its available on many platforms. Maybe would be of help to a lot of us. Thinking of you all!! Love love!!!

[gail]

Thanks Lovey, I'll check this out, if I can. Love

[invalidusername]

Thanks Lovey, I'll check this out, if I can. Love

 

Gailage - just give you the link to save you the headache of locating... I have bookmarked to have a look when I get chance;

 

https://www.youtube....lineLeaf/videos

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

Sounds like you are still going through it all... bit of everything by the sounds of it. Man... I really wish I could take some time out and we could go to one of those cat cafes or something. Have you heard of those? They look amazing. You walk in, and immediately you are surrounded by about 30 or so cats. Toys and play-things all over the place, and you pay for 30 minutes or an hour... or whatever... tea and coffee and biscuits etc during your stay, and you just immerse yourself in the world of fluff!!

 

My upstairs neighbour is away this weekend, so I have the cats to look after again. I open up the internal doors and they just wander in when they feel like it. Really nice when one comes wandering in and I just pick whichever one up and have a good cuddle. One is a lap cat, but isn't quite as comfortable to be on laps in my apartment, but if I go to my neighbours, she will be all over my lap!!

 

Unfortunately the lazy weekend isn't going to happen. The alignment of my wheels went from £40 to £120, and then somehow the gas adjuster on my seat in the car got broken. Very circumstantial that it occurred after the garage had it. True, the gas strut can "just" go, but I'm not sure. Looked online for a replacement... £115!! So I have three systems that have come in that I am going to have to do this weekend in preparation for more on Monday. Not sure I am going to get through all this, but I need the car... why does everything happen all at once? I need a breather man!!

 

Speaking of which I am going to have to go with a 2nd day on the special K diet. I am buzzing on adrenaline and it is not good. I need to calm down. My dreams are so vivdly awful, I was actually glad to be woken up by the builders. 

 

I really hope that your session went well today - do tell! No judgement on my part about what is defined as early - as you know we are both in the same boat on that one. It is all relative to when our body clocks decide we can sleep! I am fortunate that the "K" and my being exhausted meant that I was asleep just after 2am which is really early, so when I got woken by the builders around 9am, I'd had a good 7 hours almost.

 

You and Gail were both in prayers as usual this morning. Again, I am asking everyone upstairs to give us due strength and guidance. It is wonderful that you can surrender yourself to God's will, but direction helps sooner rather than later. I just hope that becomes clear for you...

 

Much much love brave brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, this won't be easy. I don't really want to write this to be honest, but I can't lie to you. Horror day. Depression just unbearable. 8 1/2 years of trauma and turmoil and pain is one hell of a heavy load. My whole youth destroyed. And no end in sight. I have clinical extreme depression. But even if I didn't anybody would struggle with 8 1/2 years of pain. I know I sound sorry for myself and I apologise for that. But the truth is right now I DO feel so sorry for myself. I know that is not what I preach and again I apologise. I am only human. 

 

Went to see my replacement p doc right in the centre of the city. First time for over 6 weeks, 40 minute session, barely even started and then the session is over and you feel so so alone. Then driving home was agony, as it often is. Centre of the city. Sun is out. Everybody having fun. All the tourists. Everybody talking photos. And I look from beyond my window, knowing that world is cut off to me. I associate the centre of London with going out with friends or family, yet all I have gone there for the last 8 years is doctors. My p doc was nice, very nice, but he said I am not a normal case of depression in the slightest, I am a massive 'outlier' due to my Lyme disease. This is completely true and I am happy he acknowledges that, but it still hurts to be reminded. Got home felt desolate. I feel intensely intensely alone, abandoned and unloved. I want to make clear that this is my depression, not a reflection on the amazing support from you and Gail and the rest on here. 

 

But you know when you are so depressed, it will pick up on anything. Little things here and there have really triggered me recently, making me feel a total outcast. Maybe I will PM about them. 

 

When I get a hint of depression then BAM these same thoughts over and over again. I am so ill. I am so weak. I am so fragile. I can't do anything. I am so disabled. I am an outcast. I am unloved. I am not valued in this world of health and success and money. 

 

I am a prisoner in my sick body and head. I am prisoner in my house. I can't get a job. I am not self sufficient. My self esteem just collapsed today. 

 

I know in my heart I have some worth to this world, I know Jesus loved the sick, poor and weak. But i feel this world doesn't really reflect those values. But of course a lot of that is projection on my behalf. My doctors are lovely. All of them. My close family and extended family are so so supportive. I have you. Gail and the rest of the forum. 

 

But acute clinical depression is a severe severe illness and add in being so weak with Lyme and it is a heavy load. I am proud to carry that load for God, but sometimes like today it gets too much and I have to get these things off my chest. 

 

I found out that the shepherds that were called to Jesus's birth was a very significant act. Apparently the shepherds at the time were absolute outcasts from society. The lowest of the low. Never invited to anything. Just lived completely on their own. And yet it was them who God invited to witness the birth of Jesus!! How breathtakingly beautiful is that? 

 

I love Jesus so much and I just want to make him happy! 

 

'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven' - Thank you Jesus!

 

Sorry about your weekend brother. I hope you can keep calm throughout it. Hopefully next one can be nice and restful and maybe next week not too intense! Still I am so so proud of you! I feel so bad to write what I have tonight! I'm sorry! But you inspire me! SO much! Thank you so much brother! 

 

Going to a cat cafe is such a beautiful idea! I can't lie I was thinking of mine today and boy did it hurt. You can't discount how much that have been stressing me unconsciously I think. In the middle of a withdrawal as well. 

 

Again huge apologises. Will you see you friend tomorrow? 

 

I will be praying. 

 

So much love brother! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL! Thank you for such supportive and kind words! That means a lot! 

 

You will see from above I am not at my best today, I apologise. But dreaming of Jesus here!! 

 

Tonight I thought - I AM SPIRITUAL BEING HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE and straight away it helped my deep pain! 

 

I am sorry you are not feeling too good and I am praying for you my love!! 

 

You are so special! 

 

I love you! God Bless!

[gail]

Wow! A cat Cafe, how ingenious of the owners! I love the idea.

Experimenting life, that's what we're doing. When you think that all is fine, here comes a new experience.

Scrat, thank you for the links, I'm really ignorant of these things.

I found a beautiful saying from Therese de Avila, here it is.

LET NOTHING DISTURB YOU
LET NOTHING FRIGHTEN YOU
ALL THINGS ARE PASSING AWAY
GOD NEVER CHANGES
PATIENCE OBTAINS ALL THINGS
WHOEVER HAS GOD LACKS NOTHING
GOD ALONE SUFFICES.

This helped me through the morning.

[invalidusername]

Morning Gailage!

 

You have a cat cafe in your province!! The "Café Félin Ma Langue Aux Chats" - you can visit!

 

https://www.facebook...langueauxchats/

 

Thank you for your words - the are soothing me a little. I now how 5 jobs to do today. My head is in so much pain, neighbours have been making noise since 9am, Mrs Scrat is suicidal and the weather is terrible. I need as much strength as possible today.

 

My prayers are with you my lovely

 

Lovage

[gail]

Thank you! Prayers for Mrs Scrat, so sorry. I don't feel to hot myself. So I can understand Mrs Scrat. I'd leave for heaven in a heart beat. Things are passing away, thank God!

[Lovey]

Oh my gosh, friends, so many having a hard time. Praying for peace and strength for us all, comfort especially. Angels to help and guide and guard. Hold on!

[Lovey]

Hi friends, please take a look at my post about Ketamine for depression.  LDN, gail, IUN, Mrs. Scrat, and anyone out there reading this.  It's very important and life changing!!! 

[invalidusername]

My thanks Lovey and Gail - I have struggled through the day and just not been able to rest, but I am still here and still going!! I don't think tomorrow will be much of a day off

[Lovey]

Try and steal away for some rest. I'm going to bed super early. Praying for you.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

First up, you did really well to have got yourself to the forum last night. Your message said a lot, and I am glad you shared it here. I know you wouldn't use the word "unbearable" lightly either, so I know this is one of toughest moments. I would really like to find out where this has come from. You have been doing so well. I remember you saying that you have a run of 4-5 months and a potential episode. I sincerely hope that this is cleared up and doesn't become something larger. Where are you at with your withdrawal? Have you spoken to anyone about this?

 

Your second paragraph really spoke out to me. You spoke of people in London going about their daily lives, taking pictures... blissfully unaware of the fact that there you are, looking out of the window of the car in a whole other world. Everything gets turned upside down and amplified considerably. You are seeing it right - but that just doesn't help. Even when a little hint of the depression hits me, I can feel it coming all over me. Everything I see becomes tainted with negative. Doesn't matter what it is, I can always find something negative to think about it. Does this sound familiar?

 

But yes, you have us here to lean on, your "other" family. Regardless of what I woke to this morning, I still wanted to jump on the train and help you in anyway I could! After everything that has happened today, I would have chose this as an alternative in a heartbeat. Sure it would have filled me with anxiety, but the achievement would have been so much more. I feel like I have done so much today and got nowhere. So maybe there is something to say for not being out!!

 

Joking aside, it is wonderful that you can look above for your direction and guidance. In the midst of all of this, you are still showing amazing acceptance and love. That conquers all brother. Your willingness to continue to stare it down. To keep swimming in the proverbial torrent of life. 

 

A brief cover of my day... I went to collect my car, and tried to fix the seat issue, but it is not going to be an easy one. So this was initially why I felt like I had got nowhere. Still some more stuff to do. I did get to see my friend which was nice, but I was so shattered I couldn't really take any of the conversation in. I can't have been much entertainment. This was in between a load more clients as well. Sure I earned some much needed money, but I just seem to be throwing this at the car and everything else, only for some other problem to come out of it. Then this evening, I have spend 2 hours trying to repair a system and again... got nowhere. So no money from that job. Can't charge for what cannot be repaired unfortunately. 

 

Mrs Scrat has been very anxious with all this work going on around her, and feeling bad because she cannot work. Her depression has got really bad too, and she read your message earlier and was just nodding along with all of it saying "this is me, this is me!". Again, I feel like I can get nowhere. I wish I knew what to do. I suppose patience is required for this new lot who will help her. But her depression is very much circumstantial as opposed to biological. No question. She needs to learn tools, speak to someone... but as always, it is getting to that point.

 

Anyway. I must rest. Hope to hear from you later - regardless of what today has bought. But I understand if it needs to be short, but don't hold back. If it will help, spill it brother!!!

 

Love you very much

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Thanks for such a lovely message brother!! Thankfully I had a much better day. I woke to watch the football. I have enjoyed the recent games but did today, my brother and dad were there. So that was a good start. Then rested for a bit. Then I went on my outside walk. I am so weak at the moment I usually only do about 7 minutes and then spend longer in the garden. But today I noticed this feeling of real fear of doing something different and more substantial. I have been doing the same every day for so long now and I noticed how the thought of doing something different really freaked me out. So I felt I had enough energy and I could allow that feeling to grow. So I changed route and walked down to the river, then along the river and back home. 27 minutes out. If I have the energy I will always face the fears. So I was buzzing when I got home. One with my spontaneity to change in the middle of the what I thought was a 7 minutes walk into a longer one and two that my energy was enough for me to do it. I felt so free. I really highlighted how far I have come with my anxiety work. 

 

Just the physical holding me back. I get nervous when I go on longer walks. When I am in the garden I can come in whenever, so there is no stress. But when I walk longer, I have to walk back, so what if I suddenly feel exhausted? I can't just come inside! I get so scared of an onset of intense weakness, as I have had so much before. I am on my own again, so nobody to call. It is tough because I think I am feeling fine so can walk some more and then suddenly feel exhausted and have the whole way home to walk!!! So that is a very tough aspect. 

 

Then rest of the day fine. But I feel very tired now and my head is heavy and a bit headachy so will rest! 

 

I appreciate your love and support so much brother! It means the world to me! Trust me!! You give me so much strength! I was thinking about you on my walk! I appreciate you so so much! 

 

What you are saying in the 2nd paragraphs about when you are in depression just everything is negative, yes I get this 100%!! This is literally exactly what happens! My eyes have a new filter - everything I see comes back in a negative context. To be honest anything at all I experience comes back with a negative perspective. It is so tough and lonely and painful. Complete manipulation of reality. In those moments my brain is factory of negative thoughts!!!! So I relate so so much!! 

 

Please send my very best to your wife! I understand here situation so well and I know she can do it!!! Please tell her I know she will do it!!! And tell her I so admire her bravery for her recent exposures! Nothing but huge huge respect for her!!! So courageous and this is the start for her!!! The scheme sounds fantastic!!

 

Sorry for your stressful day and I really hope you can get some rest tomorrow brother!!! I will be praying!! 

 

Thank you so much dear brother!! You words meant the world to me!!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless!!

[LDN]

Thank you for your beautiful words Lovey!! 

 

Love and praying for you!!!

[LDN]

Gail my love thank you for those beautiful words! 

 

St. Teresa of Avila is fantastic!! Beautiful writings!! 

 

WHOEVER HAS GOD LACKS NOTHING

GOD ALONE SUFFICES

 

 

YES!!!!!!! EXACTLY!!!! PERFECT!!!! I agree with this so much!

 

Love you and praying!!

[gail]

Morning Gailage!
 
You have a cat cafe in your province!! The "Café Félin Ma Langue Aux Chats" - you can visit!
 
https://www.facebook...langueauxchats/
 
Thank you for your words - the are soothing me a little. I now how 5 jobs to do today. My head is in so much pain, neighbours have been making noise since 9am, Mrs Scrat is suicidal and the weather is terrible. I need as much strength as possible today.
 
My prayers are with you my lovely
 
Lovage

Thank you Scrat! I enjoyed watching the video. It's in Quebec City, about 150 miles from here. I really love what they are doing.

[gail]

London, how I wish to be just like you, anxiety wise. What courage it took to go to the river.
BTW, can you swim in that river? Or is it a muddy river like your garden?lol

And how did you feel there? Could you sense the anxiety? Or it was just gone?

London, how much I admire your strength! An example to be followed. Love you Prince!

It will be easier here when no more snow. I must say that we're expecting between 35C to 48C this week so spring is coming for real. My favorite ❤️ month. If the depression can abate and the tiredness also, I may walk to the park. Not far away.10 minutes walk at the most.i want to do it, there is also the spring winds to consider. One great exposure to come.

I love that park, so quiet except at lunch time where the kids come and play. I keep an eye on them because, there are five groups and the five girls that tAke care of them, talk together and missed one that was falling from his " balancoire" last year. That upset me.

Granny to the rescue!

Since the beginning of February, I had 4 good days and a couple of so so. Not a lot. You would believe that I'm the one in withdrawal, so for those who are, I can relate to what you're experimenting.

Mrs Scrat, you are on my mind. I would go with you to this group with you, I'm a bit far away.
We have those in the evening, but I'm still asleep at those times. In the afternoon would be different. I pray that you go my love. Scrat will hold your hand and enter with you, take your Valium before going and add two tylenols, it boosts the benzo a bit.

I would write and write, at these moments, I don't feel that damn anxiety and the mind racing stops. What a pain that mind racing. Don't wish that on anyone.

Scrat, busy, busy, watch for your mental health. The Audi takes a lot of your energy, go slow. Easy to say, I would probably do the same. Lots of lovage.

Lovey, your prayers are appreciated always. I'm happy to see that you had a good experience with Ketamine. What a relief for you. Love!

[gail]

GAIL'S CORNER

i found a great way to fall asleep. I use the gratitude way, but now I compare and list all the things on Earth that will be useless in Heaven. Most of the Earth things won't exist up there. Radio, tv, phones, cells, cars, illnesses, mental and physical, etc and etc.

What a relief. I ask for clear blue water to swim in it, I hope to find it there, please God.

I guess we must pass a lot of time worshipping God for all that beauty never seen. I know that I would be in constant gratitude. Imagine, no more mental issues, physical issues,quiet mind and surrounded by extreme beauty. No money or rent to pay, those with financial issues will be so liberated. Just like us with our mental issues.

No more tears, just pure love surrounded by beauty. That's the way I see Heaven. Liberated entirely. No more dentist lol! Or doctors, no pills, no therapy, no jealousy. But, I wonder if there is a place for two people in love????? Are we dressed or naked, I prefer to be dressed. But swimming in that great blue sea naked. There's nothing like swimming in the nude.

When I think of all this, I so see the superficial on This Earth. Of course, I'm older, I no longer care of my body that is a pack of bones, I do mind my wrinkles a bit. But I rarely have to look at them except when I use the tweezers for the eyebrows. Still not a saint.

I thought you needed to be perfect to be a saint. I read the book of Frere Andre who used to live in Montreal, he was the porter of Oratoire St Joseph in around 1960 or so. He made miracles after miracles. People with crutches left them there, they could walk. Hundreds of miracles that he attributed to St Joseph. But Andre had a flaw, a bad character at times. He made people cry, returned some home without doing anything. But today, he is a saint!!!!even with his sometime bad character. So, no need to be perfect to be a saint. I must say that when this happened, he would go confess himself and regret his attitude.

If I were given the chance to make one miracle, I would ban all illnesses, the mental first then the physical after.

And you, given the opportunity to make a miracle, what would it be? Love you all and may God bless you with strength and courage till we get to the Summerland!

[Lovey]

Gail I so love your Gail's corner. Brought me so much joy and giggling!!

Iun, hope you are pacing yourself as best as can be.

Today is day 11 I think. Lost track. 2 or 3 more days though to wellness i hope! Had a good morning till 1 pm then tanked. More early bedtimes over here.
Ldn praying for you and us all.
Fh, thinking of u as well.
Love, lovey