2348 replies to this topic

[gail]

Scrat, thank you for your explanation. Quiet for two days now. What's next? Much lovage xxxx

[fishinghat]

Ok, a little help here LDN. All the supplements that I have found marked PQQ-10 are a combination of PQQ and CoQ10 BUT I notice you are listed as already taking CoQ10 on your list. I also need the dosage on it please.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Stupidly long day today and so exhausted. Woken again at 8am by workers and was out from 2 til 10pm. That was a very late lunch I can tell you! I am very ashamed, but this will have to be another quick one - sorry man... hopefully things will calm down for the weekend. Well I think they will have to. Really haven't got time for another burnout, so I really must make sure I stop going overboard. But 6 hours sleep over 2 days is not good. But then again, I think of the other members we have at the moment who have it far worse... I can't complain...

 

What you say about your routine I can really understand! No question. It is all the control thing I think. And you are right to take a break from screens - blue light and all that.Hope the headache let you get a good enough sleep though.

 

I was sure you would be quite meticulous about keeping logs! A while back I was thinking it would be needed if and when I went to hospital or I had to take the stupid p-docs to court over my condition!! LOL. But it is invaluable, but my therapist said I should really not do it anymore given my improvement as it will keep me focused on the fact that I am still in that mindset that "something could still happen". Do you do graphs and stuff to??! Are you as bad a me!?

 

You are so right to keep reminding me of being present - and I thank you for that man. I can't believe I need to be reminded so much and so often! I know I can live far too much in the past and the future, and I have so much admiration for you and the way you can dedicate so much time to getting a hold of that. It is so important and it has done you well. You are always talking of it in practice for your walks, and you can only develop it further...!

 

Right - a very late dinner coming up before I fall asleep. Wow - I do hope that tomorrow is a bit kinder on me - but a lot of that comes down to the self-compassion - I know you will tell me this!! And again - you are absolutely right.

 

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi fishinghat I stopped taking PQQ10 in December, I was only taking it for a few days. I stopped taking CoQ10 at the time. I went back onto CoQ10 last week, but I stopped this week, after talking with my doctor. I was taking half a teaspoon twice a day. 

[LDN]

Hey man! Firstly no need to feel sorry at all! Feel no pressure to post at all man, you have loads on at the moment!! I completely understand this!! 2 to 10 is crazy! So I really hope tomorrow you can slow things down a bit and then this weekend get a really good rest! But brilliant achievement again man!! 

 

I have done nothing today. But I feel super tired and my mind is just empty right now. I had about 30 minutes outside and other than just resting. Not sure where the hours have gone. Feel flat tonight and weak. 

 

Luckily I slept well thank you! Got a 9 hours 30 minutes, which was needed. But set the tone for a drowsy day. But I don't mind because I need this rest, it has been very hectic recently!! I managed to get just 30 minutes reading in last night, for the 1st time in ages, which helped a lot. 

 

Yeah LOL all my notes!! I have done it for years and enjoy it to be honest. I go back and check things from my diary in 2017 sometimes!!! On my desk I have all this note pads and they are full with my timings etc.!! 

 

Man don't worry about being reminded because it is such a hard thing to grasp. I only really started to put it into practice in March/April. A year ago I still was thinking through endless hypotheticals but it really has been of huge huge benefit to let go! Maximise what I can control and change but putting all my energy into that and what I can't then let it be. It is a simple message but incredibly hard to do it. Just needs constant repetition to make it became eventually 2nd nature for your brain to not indulge the worry and just let things go. With practice you can really change how you think, but as I say it is tough! Anyway I think you are doing great from the outside in this area. You seem to be able to let things be really well recently, from what I have seen! As you say for me the walks are key moments when I really fully focus on this message and give my mind the stillness and calmness it needs. 

 

I hope tomorrow isn't to stressful and you have a good night tonight brother! 

 

As I say look after yourself and no pressure to post at all!!! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God Bless

[fishinghat]

That is great. Thanks for the update.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

But better this evening. Still been a long day, but more of the work time was spent at home. I have also delegated responsibilities a bit more. Just like my parents asked me to deliver a letter on my way home when I only had 15 minutes to get fuel and be with another client. I simply said no. I have to. This was after... at 5pm... I was sat talking to a client and I fell asleep in the chair while they were talking to me!! Seriously... how embarrassing was that! He could see how overworked I was and saw it for what it was, which was nice. I then agreed to have a half cup of coffee - the first cup I will have had in almost 3 years!! It did the trick, but I also felt a little edgy after it. I simply told myself that it is the chemicals doing their thing and to just ride it out.

 

Sounds like you needed some time out too. I know that you will take a little longer to recover from all this extra stuff, but writing all the emails and the new therapist - it all adds up. And these are high profile things which can affect mood a lot more than me going shopping for example. So putting it in perspective, you do a lot of higher profile stuff, and therefore focus more on those. Almost like an all or nothing, which is why the grey area in the middle can often get muddied... and probably why we can still feel anxious when there is nothing going on. The brain is used to this spiky behaviour and wanders off in a mind of its own!

 

Well done on the reading man! That is more than I have done all week! I have just fallen asleep in front of the laptop most nights! I hope you can continue this - was this in place of the music - or was that a no-go last night?

 

I completely agree with this constant repetition thing, and the big one is life in general. Living your life normally every day as often as you can to gain that repetition. It is how the brain is going to work - and I have been saying the exact same thing to many members here over the last few days as it has clearly worked. It makes perfect sense.

 

But there comes my overdoing it and the whole balance thing again. I am starting to think... well what happens when this barrage of work dries up and I have nothing to do?! Well not nothing to do, but all this work gets me doing things because I don't have a choice. It is when it comes back to making myself do things when I do have a choice that could still be an issue. But I have found that with just the right amount of work-led stuff, that I feel I deserve to do some of the things that I want to do.

 

So the opposite has also been true. If I don't do what I consider to be enough work, then I don't deserve to do anything that I enjoy. But when you are not well enough to sustain this level of work, there is nothing you can do, but you still feel you don't deserve to do the things you enjoy - even though you cannot work!! It is a viscous circle. This balance thing is a very fine act indeed... or it is at least for me. But this is where routine comes in as well - we would both be right off - and have been - when something comes in and messes that up!! LOL

 

Right, time to chill.. relax. Not fall asleep by face-planting the laptop for a change. Hopefully no workers tomorrow making noise. I got woken at 8am... so the third day of 3 hours sleep. I was just starting to nod off, and then around 10.30am, the door buzzer goes - the postman wants to be let in to drop off a parcel for a neighbour. So wide awake again. I start to nod off again just before midday, and then a loud knock at the door. Neighbour asking to use wi-fi as his was not working. Not an easy morning - I long for a quiet morning.. just one!!!

 

Love you man!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I am going through a phase of having a really empty brain, so sorry if this is a bit short again! I am not depressed or anxious just more flat and tired. As I said I need some boring rest time, so I don't mind it but it means I am not the most interesting company at the moment LOL!!! Today was another rest day. I watched the football and then other than that a really short walk outside and then resting. I missed reading last night, like you went from my laptop to collapsing in bed!!! I have listened to any music so far this week! It has been a really restful week. Crazy how things swing. 5 out of 7 nights last week I listened to over an hour of music, this week nothing. To be fair I did stop the CoQ10, which was probably giving me extra energy but also seems to have been giving me extra anxiety. That has probably played a part in it for sure. It is a toss up having the extra energy but anxiety, or having less energy but also less anxiety. But reducing the anxiety is important. I need to look long term and be as stable as possible. Also I had 2 appointments this week. And all the stuff I pm'd you about which has been taking a lot out of me. 

 

Happy today was a bit less intense. Hopefully you can really give yourself a good rest now this weekend! I hope you enjoy your friend and it isn't too noisy!!! What dog breed does she have? I know you have told me before but I have forgotten. Ah man that morning sounds so annoying! I was thinking to myself reading how are you so calm?? Amazing you got through the day with such a difficult morning. That is really impressive! If it was me, certainly in the past, I would be annoyed about it for the rest of the day! So brilliant work man!! 

 

Know exactly what you are saying about finding that balance man. It is why at the moment after such a hectic December and last week, I am fine with having some lazy time at the moment. Just slowing myself down a bit. When you in a state of high anxiety like last week for me, it is a bit of a blur. So now it is about just slowing everything down and just keeping things simple. 'A journey of a thousand miles, starts with a single step' - as the book I am reading right now says! It is this ancient Chinese text from 6 BC! I have made great progress but I also need this rest time! It is a long term project my recovery and rushing it means I won't get better. I need to stick to my principles and take it one step at a time! 

 

So hope you managed to get some good rest in tonight and have a lovely day tomorrow! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

I have written you a fairly lengthy PM so won't fill up too much here as well... I do so hope your empty brain has come some capacity back. I totally understand the flat and tired part... obviously having overdone it a bit this week. And no need to worry about being the boring, rest type!!

 

I can really understand the predicament you are in about weighing up with the anxiety and energy. It is very much that they go hand in hand - just needs a solution! Like I have said before, I would like to be able to do something but wouldn't know where to start having seen you exhaust so many avenues already. 

 

Today started off a bit shaky as there was still noise at 8am, but was only short lived. So I was back to sleep after about an hour and then was in and out of sleep until around 2pm. Felt very strange after this. I much prefer an uninterrupted sleep. I seem to have issues when I wake for a while and then sleep again. Always seems to hit me with a weird feeling when I wake up and today it was the flat kind of feeling, much like you. It got easier as I woke up and got on with the day. 

 

I know that quote only too well man! Very good one to quote thou. You have certainly got a better grasp on this balance thing than I have, but it would be a lot worse without your support. It is like my weekend friend said today, I am becoming normal again and you will start to feel invincible and stop listening to the warning signs that I was getting this week. So I think this morning was a warning shot across the bough. After seeing my friends, I had a one call-out and then I stopped... but then there was all this other stuff that happened which I have described in the PM, so I am not exactly as relaxed as I would like to be.

 

Need to get back to my reading too. It is so good for the soul. Just to escape from the world. That is also a balance I feel. When I was really ill, I would spend too much time in escapism and the real world scared me when I came back out of it. Now all I have is real world and that is too much. I need some of my escapism back... if that makes sense!!

 

So much love for you brother...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man i sent you a PM! Rest day for me but met 2 friends of my brothers who are staying the night. We chatted for about an hour this evening, which I think I handled well. Since then I have been hit with some strong loneliness and sadness. Feel really missing home! 

 

I am really tired so sorry for being short tonight but I have given you plenty to read with my PM! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless! 

[invalidusername]

Hey brother... yes, it is going to be another PM evening today I think... fair bit to go on there...

 

Sorry to our subscribers!! Will be back tomorrow!!

 

Much love to my brother and to all

 

God Bless

[gail]

You will be missed, and we will be lost!lol!

[invalidusername]

Sorry Gailage - I am still here for you my sweet!!

[LDN]

Hey brother just sent you a PM!! 

 

LOVE YOU SO MUCH GAIL!!!!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Going to steer it all back to the forum now as I know the girls miss out on our messages. The "issue" we spoke on PM I have since forgotten and you were absolutely right. The fog lifted last night and I saw the error of my ways. But the lingering effects that we both share are still there, and I expect it will take a few days to dissipate. 

 

I very foolishly over did it again yesterday and was working through to about 6am. I was already so tired by 2am but I decided I wanted a headstart on the week to make things easier, but did that backfire. I woke feeling absolutely awful - a full on burnout. I had a call from a customer that threatened to take me to court for not completing a job in time, even thou it wasn't my fault, and I had four clients call me all wanting work done this week in addition to what was already booked in. I just couldn't take it. Computer off, phone off, and under the duvet for the next 6 hours. All I could do was drink and go to the bathroom. It was horrific. I slowly came out of it around 7pm and ate a bit, but have since taken it easy. I feel so vulnerable and I know it is entirely my own fault, I just didn't expect it to hit me in the face quite like that.

 

Lovely words that you say about making peace with the silence and with the world. Unfortunately silence is not something that is in abundance here at the moment as you well know! Two weeks of 8am-4pm noise non-stop has not helped. I really shouldn't have taken so much work on knowing that the noise had the potential to tip me over the edge on its own. Man... what was I thinking staying awake til gone 6am. I knew I would get woken at 8am. Need to learn by it and move on.

 

What you said about your brothers friends was absolutely spot on - just how I feel and I am so glad that you were there for me to talk about it all. I also fully understand the frustration you speak of. But yes - the Summerland is the focus. It always brings me round to remember what is waiting for us. But there are some days where I really want to fast forward!! I get so tired of the chores that awaits us on this plane. I am going to do some reading of some of my new spiritual books when I finish this message. I really think it will help. My head has got too far engrossed in the world of anger, greed and resentment. I have picked up a lot of bad energy over the last few days and I managed to stand it down for a while, but today it was just too much - the straw that broke the camels back. 

 

On that note, I need to stop there as it is causing me to think back and I need to stop reflecting on it and look to the present. 

 

Thanks so much for your PM last night - it did really help, and as I said, things have become a bit more in perspective - I just need to learn the balance. We live and learn....

 

Much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother really sorry to hear about your day. While we are in recovery this will happen from time to time. We are humans after all and we are going to get it right every time. It is so important we can bring that approach to life. We are never going to get everything right. We are going to make mistakes, throughout our whole lives. The key is to make peace with that reality. Accept we are going to mistakes and so when we do we can acknowledge this is just part and parcel of being human. This where the self compassion is so important. So rather than 'Oh why did I do that, I am such an idiot, I can't believe I messed it up' - which is exactly how I used to speak to myself for years - our reaction is ' this is normal part of the human experience, mistakes are part of life, I will mistakes again in the future, I am trying my best and that is all I can do, the rest I will let it be. I will see what i can learn from this experience and accept it is part of life, just like the changing seasons. We can't fight it, so just flow with it. Let the stream take you where it wishes. Let go.' This is now how I am trying to approach when I get things wrong. You are doing brilliant and think of all the great steps you are making. If we never got things wrong, how would we learn to improve in the future. It wouldn't be living would it? We would just be robots. 

 

I myself am like feeling burn out. I also messed up today. I had a trip to the barbers today and normally I really plan it out a few days before, the timings etc. But with so much going on over the weekend and me feeling so tired, I didn't really plan it. Last night I had stuff to do and didn't really think about it. Then this morning i woke up and it was later than I planned. I felt really stressed and annoyed at myself for not making the effort to plan it more precisely. I had to rush to get changed and then walk there in a stressed state. Even walking home I was really angry and annoyed at myself, for such ill discipline, as I saw it. But then I try to practice what I spoke of in the paragraph above. Let it be and go with flow. Be kind to myself. Realise I have a lot on right now. Don't hold onto the frustration but let it come and go as it pleases. I have decided I am going to try and rest as much a possible over the next 2 weeks now. I have had too many exposures all at once and it is emotionally draining. 

 

In the barbers they had music playing as well, so that was quite an exposure since I had just woken up. Quite busy with people coming and going. I walked there myself and back on my own. Only the 2nd time I have done that for years. I did it in September, and that was a massive deal at the time. So it is still quite a big exposure. Yesterday I wanted to walk past it, to prepare. I did this last time. But i just felt too tired yesterday. I had a lot of energy when I first got back from the country about 2 weeks ago, but right now I feel so tired. I have had a big drop in my energy levels. Only so many exposures you can take emotionally. As I said it drains you. All these emails as well. So much is changing right now for me and I need to give myself space to let it sink in. So as much as possible I am going to try and shut off and have a restful 2 weeks now!! 

 

My head is going here brother! I really hope you got some rest tonight! I will be praying!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

So great to see you back, it's like going to school and learn something important.

Scratt, I didn't know if that you were a car mechanic, I thought that you though music only.
Must have missed something. I'm sorry for the shit you had to go through yesterday, as London said, you will learn from it.

My sweet London, en vacance for two weeks. Time to read, to pray, visit your garden, up the hill in Hope of another out of the world experience. How I wish that for us three.

I love and care about you both. It's such a delight to know you. I love you, Gailage

[invalidusername]

That was lovely Gailage - thank you.

 

Yes, I was trained as a mechanic when I was younger by a race engineer - so my car never goes to a garage! It is tough sometimes because it means I know what is wrong with my car, and I save money, but it also means there can be stress for doing the work myself. Today has been tough, but my time off yesterday helped. I have more time off tomorrow too which is good, so hopefully I will improve. But everyone gets days like this sometimes. We should never look too far into it...

 

Much lovage.

[invalidusername]

Evening brother....

 

Yes, I need to accept that this will happen from time to time, but I should have learnt by now! I really did overdo it. It was only in the Summer that I was going stir crazy just from building noise... and there I was enduring building noise AND doing 10 hour days AND shopping AND study AND therapy... I need to know when to quit. But again, like you say, just as important, we need to know how to accept our mistakes as hanging on them is only going to bring us more misery and issues. 

 

It is like the books always say, talk to yourself like you would a friend. You wouldn't tell your friend how much of a tit she was for not slowing down - especially when she is in the midst of a burnout. No. You would say exactly that which you said. You are human - it happens. Relax, accept and let it go... 

 

Living without mistakes would be very dull too. People need to realise that. We would never get the buzz from getting things right if that were the case. Just like your barbers story - we realise sometimes a little too late.

 

That is quite an exposure man. You should be giving yourself lots of credit for that. I haven't had my hair cut professionally for years! Either the wife or my mum does it for me!! Not that I am tight with my money, but both can do a really good job, so it seems silly to pay for something when my family can do it!! I have real trouble with setting appointments like that as it causes me anxiety knowing that I have to do it, come what may. It takes the control out of me. Just like yesterday. There is no way I could have done something like that, but if I made myself, I would have been in a terrible state. I know that is a one-off in three months, but it doesn't stop me thinking about it.

 

Oh - before I forget, I got someone strange follow me on my Instagram and wondered whether it might have been your sister after what we were talking about? I don't have many followers - and could do with some more anyway!

 

Really hope you can get your 2 weeks of rest in - I would love that! I did as I said I would last night and started reading a new spiritual book, but I was falling asleep as soon as I started reading! I was drifting in and out of sleep until the wife bought in the dinner and I came to only to eat, and then I was back to falling asleep again. I was clearly tired. I will let myself fall asleep as needed today regardless of the time. 

 

Still feeling very apprehensive and vulnerable from it all, so really need to work on this self-compassion. It has been amazing to wake up and actually feel "normal" for a few days and obviously I worry for loosing that!! But the more I worry about it, the more likely it is to happen!! Viscous circle!!

 

On that note, I will stop thinking like that and get back to my book while I am still awake!!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi fishinghat. Yesterday night I started to reduce my Chlorpromazine as you suggested. I only cut of a very little bit, between 1g and 3g (out of the 25mg) I would guess. Sorry I can't be more precise but I have bought online a weighing machine. I woke up this morning to anxiety. I was a bit surprised since I had only reduced by such a small amount. Today has been ok since waking, but I woke to anxiety again from my siesta. I don't feel great and feel pain around my heart. I wasn't feeling great anyway the last few days so it is worth bearing that in mind. 

 

When you cut the tablet a lot crumbles off, so it is really difficult to tell how much I reduced by. Once the weighing machine comes tomorrow that will help with this. I know you can get liquid Chlorpromazine, but when I tried it last time it made me feel sick and also my mouth very sticky. I take Chlorpromazine just before bed so the liquid was not ideal, but obviously the plus is it is more precise. 

 

Just for clarity I have been on Chlorpromazine since July 2018. 

 

I will keep you informed of my progress. I plan to stay at the same dose for the next few days, though obviously I can't be completely exact. 

 

Thanks! Love and God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey brother! As you will see above with my message to fishinghat I started reducing my Chlorpromazine last night. I was so so nervous before hand. So I decided to do just a really small amount to start off with. To try and ease my way in. I didn't have weighing machine so I can't be sure how much I reduced, but it was mostly crumble from cutting it. I woke to anxiety, which wasn't nice. I was surprised since I had only reduced such a small amount. That knocked my confidence a lot. Since then I felt ok, then I woke from my siesta with anxiety and my heart or at least around my heart hurting. Obviously I wasn't in a good place anyway. I was feeling run down and burnt out. 

 

I had to collect something from the pharmacy. It took me 17 minutes there and back, but it was really tough. I found taking the street lights and shops in very difficult. It wasn't easy at all. I had only just woken in a bad state as well. 

 

I really don't feel I have it in me to do this reduction. I just want some peace not weeks ahead of anxiety and stress. But if I delay it, it will only get harder to reduce since I will have been on it longer. Plus if I start to feel good and then do it, I will be annoyed that I disrupted me feeling good. I was never meant to stay on this for long, but since I have been making good progress I just didn't want to rock the boat. So I have ended up on it for much longer that I planned. I'm not sure it even does much, but I knew coming off would be rough, so have just delayed it since things were going good. It is a very difficult situation. There are many positives to coming off but in short term it will be nasty and I am so dreading these next few weeks. 

 

Yesterday you were saying about missing home and wanting to just get there now! Right now I feel this so much!! I just can't be bothered with another stressful few weeks. I am going to have to dig deep, very deep. Today has knocked my confidence for sure. It has shown me what lies in what for me! Knowing I can just go back on it and it will bring short term relief is so hard to think about. It is so tempting. But if I don't come off now, then when will I. It is a horrible situation to be in. When I get anxiety and depression out of the blue, for me I can cope, because it is out of my control. So I just ride it and let it be. But now I know this is in my control, I can make things better by just going back on to the full dose. I am knocking my confidence and I could reverse it - that is the tough bit. The short term vs long term. I have played the long game for so long now man!! 

 

From reading you what i get is just how much amazing progress you have made since the summer  - like you say you had the building noise and 10 hours days and shopping and study and therapy!!! So yes you might have gone a little too far but the fact you could even do that is a incredible step up!!! It just shows what a positive direction you are going in brother! 

 

Hope you enjoyed the book brother! Got therapy tomorrow so better get some rest! The book I'm reading would interest you, so will tell you more tomorrow.

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

BONJOUR GAIL!! 

 

It is such a DELIGHT to know you my love!!! A true DELIGHT! 

 

I have no idea how I deserve to know someone so special!!! I am so lucky and blessed!! 

 

I will be praying my love!! 

 

JOY IS COMING!! 

 

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

[fishinghat]

Thanks for the update LDN. I agree that the scales should help. Time will tell.

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

I read the above and can really feel the conundrum you  are facing with this all. It is like Hat said in a post earlier today, darned if you do, darned if you don't. Nightmare for sure. But I really think you need some means of weighing. I managed to buy a set of microscales from Amazon for about £10 and they have proved to be great for weighing out my various supplements that I have been experimenting with. A little here and a little there can make all the difference. I thought that there would be some symptoms from the smallest amount - and I know it is no good to tell you to expect this because you already know, but we are all here for you man. Whatever you might need. Choose your route, whatever that may be, and the support will be here for you at any given time.

 

And now the pharmacy today!? This is incredible. Thought you were taking it easy!! LOL. After the barbers.. and now this. I don't want to discourage you, but at the same time, I don't want you to end up where I am at the moment having properly overdone it. Sure there are all the positives, but it is being mindful of when the positives get outweighed by the negatives. Very difficult to decipher sometimes too. 

 

I am still missing home today too. Very much so. I was getting so tired of my shell today. Unfortunately I had another day like monday, but I didn't have the choice of staying in bed. I had commitments. One client needed his system back at the latest today and there was also very little food in the house. The wife said she just couldn't face going outside and I really needed her to step in. I just couldn't cope with all the responsibility. So I was out for a little over 2 hours in total but felt so bad the whole way through. Just that the slightest thing was going to set me off - but I didn't know exactly what would be set off. I felt like I was going to go crazy of something. Not depression, not a panic, just too much stress. I simply couldn't cope. I was so scared that the slightest thing would be the end of it all. I must have looked like a zombie to anyone watching me. All I wanted to do was come back home and shake it off. Miraculously I got the work done. I sincerely hope that tomorrow is better.

 

I started reading as soon as I finished my message last night and within 5 minutes, my eyes were closing again! I barely got through 2 pages in an hour before we had dinner. Not quite sure what is happening, whether my body is trying to tell me something, I don't know. 

 

I can see what you are saying about the "long term" game and I really understand. Such a difficult situation, but as I said, we are all right behind you here and will be no judgement either way with what you decide to do.

 

From my own progress, obviously I am worried about my stress levels at the moment. There are still things left to do. I could of course leave them hoping that client will understand, but they are still there waiting to be done and causing me stress knowing they are still there!! I could just get on and do them, but that in itself is a lot of stress.... Again, a tough decision to make and not knowing where to go. I don't even know if I will relax once everything is done - the stress then takes hold and I end up just worrying where the next set of stress will come from as the brain gets fixed into that way of thinking and it is this that I am so desperately trying to avoid...

 

Anyway -  I will keep on, and see if I can get through more of my book this evening!!

 

Much love brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi fishinghat and IUN. An update for today. Last night I tried to take a similar amount, I guess it was about 3mg or about an 1/8. I woke without anxiety which was positive. But then I started to feel very out of it and like a druggy, stoned feeling. A bit dazed. Like everything was a bit of a blur. This improved after my siesta. The evening has been fine. When I was feeling spaced out, I had to think really hard when I was doing anything to make sure I did it right. I had therapy which was helpful but at the end I noticed my water bottle at my feet and I had absolutely no idea I had brought it in with me. I never bring it in with me. That freaking me out. I feel fragile and vulnerable. Low on confidence. 

 

The weighing machine came. So I will able to be more precise tomorrow. 

 

So overall - anxiety much better today, but this new spaced out sensation occurred which was quite scary. 

 

Thanks! 

 

Love and God Bless! 

[LDN]

Hey man so you will see my update above. My therapy session went really well and was what I needed. I have to get up early tomorrow because have new p doc, so can't be too long tonight. I was really surprised and happy I didn't wake to anxiety but the spaced out feeling was very uncomfortable. As I said above I feel fragile, vulnerable, low on confidence. It was really like I was stoned earlier. I feel mentally very precarious. I was feeling fragile and burnt out anyway before I started reducing. So I have to bear that in mind. Obviously I have incredible trauma with reducing medication. I have failed the last few times. The summer of 2018 nearly cost me my life, so of course this is a scary process. But I discussed all this with my therapist. How I feel so unfazed by 'natural' anxiety or depression, but anything that I can make better by going back on a drug, I struggle to deal with. Since I know I have a option to end the suffering. When it is fully out of my control I find that much easier to cope with. But with this situation I have a chose. That is the tough bit. The trauma of that dulox withdrawal is very painful for me and this is bringing it back up to the surface. When I had that derealisation earlier and sense of loosing myself, if it happened 'naturally' I would have been 'ok, just go with it, this out of my control'. But today because it was induced by withdrawal, it was me immediately analysing what I had done and questioning myself. 

 

However, since my siesta I have been doing well in the circumstances! I will see what God has planned for me! I will do my best that is all I can do. I will try my best and then the rest is in God's hands. Thanks for your kind words and your support that means a lot. Sorry if I am not at my best the next few days! Beneath the shell, my soul feels good which is the main thing! 

 

Man I am so sorry to hear about your day. But what bravery to get out for 2 hours! Even though that wasn't ideal, you should be very proud of yourself my brother!! I really hope you can get some good rest tonight! So sorry for you having to go through this. It sounds as if your body is telling you, it just needs to rest. So as much as possible try and just take it easy and get lots of sleep. Listen to your body. In the day remember you can always do a little meditation here and there to help calm yourself and remember the big picture! 

 

There is so much wonder and beauty waiting for us brother! So much love and peace and joy! In the summerland this will be like a blink of an eye, this human experience. Unfortunately for us living right now, it doesn't feel like that down here!!! LOL!! But the main thing is in end all will be beautiful!! We chose this path with God for a reason brother! We will go back home having learned so much! Now we just have to help each other and spread the love! You help on this forum is invaluable to so many, so you are doing such great work amongst your difficulties. Don't forget how many souls your are helping on their human experience brother. For me my sister had some struggles today and I had a real nice chat with her, encouraging her and I think it helped her. The suffering is worth it, if I can help others. If you channel suffering the right way, nothing can greater enhance our love. So as I say beauty awaits us brother!! That is what we must always remember!! 

 

I know in the past meditation has helped with your stress, so maybe it is worth trying that again. But obviously you are so tired in the evenings I can see it might be tough. I just remember how much it helped before! 

 

I will be praying my brother!! 

 

I love you so much! 

 

God Bless!

[fishinghat]

That spaced out feeling is common with small incremental withdrawal. Get on a stable dose and it should fade over a few day period. Sounds promising.

[invalidusername]

Good evening brother...

 

So it was new p-doc day? You will have to let me know how it went. Early start though... we both know how hard that can be! And as Hat said, it looks like what you are feeling could be normal for where you are at. It will be interesting to see where this takes you - but remember we are all here for you whenever you need us. This is a brave move for you - especially considering what has been going on before. It is such a difficult situation with not wanting to go back on a drug for the reasons you stated and then the easy win of feeling better for doing so. I would really like to get where you are where the "natural" depression and anxiety does not get to me. I can see your logic, but just cannot manage it myself.

 

Obviously the Dulox withdrawal is going to be in the forefront of your mind right about now, and who would blame you. After the meeting with my homeopath, she said that I need to get back to where I have been for the last 3 months after overdoing it, and we will speak again about the withdrawal, so glad she didn't expect me to do anything right now. It is one thing to get the chemistry right in the brain, but a whole other thing to organise your life to avoid things like this occurring. I know what I did wrong, yet I couldn't stop myself just working more. But I am more focused on getting past it than blaming myself - that will not help me at all. What's done is done.

 

Very strange because for me, when something it induced by withdrawal, it would not bother me, and I would find it easier to accept. Wonder why that is?! I suppose it is because it is not "me" who has done something. It is not my overworking, or my irrational thinking that has done it. Because that still tells me there is something wrong with me I suppose. 

 

Today started out really difficult. I woke to some nasty depression - something I haven't had for some considerable time - and the very return of it made me feel worse. I was hoping that I would get through the burnout without it, but sometimes depression does follow a burnout and that is just the way it is. I could so easily have written the day off and just stayed in and I was sure that would have made me feel better. The worst part was my thoughts going off on a tangent thinking, oh no, that is it, here we go again. Three months of complete recovery and all for nothing. How am I going to get back to where I was? How did I get there in the first place?! That wouldn't have helped at all I know.

 

I had my first client 2 hours after waking up and I just got on with it. Fortunately it is a client who has also been through depression recently, so I could open up to him and it is quite a comfortable environment. I then had an hour off and felt a bit better by then. Then there were two more clients and a big Tesco shopping trip. All through this I was better, but just like you said at the start of your reply... fragile, vulnerable and low confidence. It happens so quick! 2 days ago, sure I was tired and so forth, but the confidence was still there, but the return of the depression just did it for me. I am still feeling it now - wondering whether tomorrow will be the same. But this is the acceptance again. I need to remember that THIS was the way I got through it 3 months ago. I just went about life and accepted it. Just keep going and let it come. 

 

I need to forget that it has been 3 months. 3 days, 3 months, 3 years - the way forward is always the same. And it can work the same way every time. But the first day can always be difficult. 

 

Read my book again after message and same thing happened!! I was falling asleep again! But instead of making myself stay awake, I turned in at 2am and slept 9 hours. It helped a lot as I was far less tired today. And you are right, I need to keep on top of the meditation as well as reading. Very important - particularly as the stress is still present. Not as bad as it was at the start of the week, but can be very easily awoken again...

 

Lovely words about the Summerland... thank you. I was still missing it today. What I would do just for a day trip there! Really important to keep spreading the love as you say - and it is good that you keep reminding us both that we need to keep this in mind in all that we do. It can make so much difference in people's lives - and we could be those people when we need it the most. Just a smile from a stranger goes a long way. I always make a point of doing this if I feel it is right and will be reciprocated. We need to keep this going brother. Keep spreading God's love as best we can through action and word. Not just for our return in the Summerland, but to spread the love that so many other need in their own lives. The more that can see this, the better place we will all have. I pray that I can continue to find my out of this slip in my progress and reclaim my purpose with you my brother, in spreading this love and joy...

 

So much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi fishinghat and IUN. Just an update. Last night my spaced out feeling came back and I was sort staring into space without noticing for a while a few times. I did manage to read 20 pages of my book, so my concentration was at least ok. I was worried at first I couldn't read in that state but thankfully I could. I had the same dose last night, around 3mg off, so 22mg or so. I woke to no anxiety, but had a bit more of that spaced out feeling. That soon wore off. But this evening I have been anxious since waking from my siesta. All in all not as bad depersonalisation as day 2 and not as bad anxiety as day 1. So a bit of both today. 

 

My weighing machine I bought didn't seem to work last night. It showed my 25mg tablet as 0.13g! I will have to sent it back. But I have a decent idea of the dose. I have 3/4s of the tablet and then the last 1/4 is halved, so it is about 1/8. 

 

I was thinking of staying a few more days on this dose, and then maybe dropping another 2mg/3mg or so beginning of next week. I am in no rush though. But equally don't want to draw it out longer than it needs to. But the main thing is no rush! 

 

Thanks for the support and help! 

 

Love and God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey man! Big well done for today! Waking up to that depression but not letting it beat you and you still cracking on with your day and your clients! A big shop as well!! Really well done there man!! Happy your mood picked up as well! That is great to hear! 

 

I am happy you managed to get a really good night sleep! I think try and rest as much as possible as it seems your body is asking for that! Really happy to read about that! 

 

I saw the new p doc and he thought such a small reduction couldn't cause such effects I was mentioning, so it was me being nervous about withdrawal that was causing it. I don't agree with this, as last night I experienced a clear increase of libido. So for me it is definitely a biological phenomenon. But then I am a super sensitive case and doctors seem to be unaware of these cases from my experience. Slightly alarming to be honest but then it is not their fault but their education. He was nice but obviously I disagreed with him. 

 

I thought I would be super tired today after having to go out to therapy yesterday and then the pharmacy day before and haircut on Monday, but in fact I felt fine. I even had energy to go outside when I got home for a 8 minute walk and then 15 minutes at the back garden. I was feeling so nervous about going out the front for the walk. Since I had already been out for quite a long time I had an excuse to not go outside and I was tempted to have a break. But I could feel the thought of going out the front was making me feel super uncomfortable and so I thought it was important to respond to that by acting on the fear. Even if I had tired me out, it would have been worth it for the rush of overcoming the fear. That gave me a massive lift. Within limits if I can I will always try and do what my fear wants to hide from. That is how you have to face situational anxiety and social anxiety. Then rest of the day resting up. 

 

You will see from above that last night I had bad spaced out-ness! Quite a few times I would suddenly notice I had been standing still on the spot for a few minutes just staring into the distance!! Felt very weird. I started my book which is not easy going and thought I am going to really struggle, but I managed to get 20 pages in. That was also really pleasing considering my state, that I could concentrate like that. This morning woke without anxiety again but then felt a little spaced out in the car on the way to the p doc and then after felt some anxiety. Then after my siesta some anxiety up till now as well. 

 

Interesting what you say about finding it easier to deal with anxiety and depression when it is induced by withdrawal. For me if I am on my medication and doing everything I can to be stable then I really feel able to completely let go and just accept this is out of my control and just ride it. It is like 'I am taking the pills, so I am doing my part of the bargain' and then I find it pretty easy to just let it be. But now it is like I am questioning, 'have I been too cocky? Why disrupt what has worked? Have I opened a can of worms?'. I know there is a easy solution to this state and I have that option open to me. When my natural states of anxiety and depression come, there is literally nothing I can do and that feels so liberating. When it is natural I feel it is an act of nature and that is life, but now it is an act of my choice! So spiritually I find it much easier as well with the natural stuff!! I felt strength from reading you are more comfortable with this type of stuff! So we can help each other out brother!! 

 

The book I am reading is called Synchronicity by Jung. It actually mentions the exact Chinese text I was reading before, so ties in really nicely! A lot of it is about astrology which know nothing about, so I sort skimmed that bit, but the general ideas are interesting, especially considering it comes from a mainstream psychologist. Normally you don't see that spiritual stuff talked of by anybody mainstream. 

 

Yeah man a summerland holiday would be lovely!! Just a long weekend off from the shells!! Hopefully with time, a lot of time LOL, that is what meditation can give me. I am trying at the moment to remember this is just 'body stuff' and my soul is not involved. Like driving down a muddy road and the car (the shell) gets dirty but I am clean inside. This is body is just a vehicle for our spirit, so we can spread the love on earth! In our human experience!

 

I will keep praying brother! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless!