2348 replies to this topic

[Lovey]

Hi friends, so nice i found this tgread with replies to me! Its better than presents under the tree being seen and heard and valued by you all. We are in this together. I am going to write very soon about my experience with ketamine treatments. They were a huge success. I got infusions May-June 2017. I will try to write tomorrow or Sunday. It alleviated my depression almost 100%. Thus allowing me to decrease and come off AD's. Had chronic long term treatment resistant depression which onset around age 14/15 and lasted through age 42. Yes you read that right. Stay tuned! Love to you all.

[Lovey]

*Esketimine not Ketamine

[LDN]

Gail! Bonjour Saint Gail! 

 

The mornings are typically the worst time of the day for depression for most people. I am so sorry for you having to face this. When I had my withdrawal I was crying non stop! 

 

Remember that crying is watering the seeds of our souls!! Beautiful flowers are going to bloom soon my love!! 

 

I love you! God bless!

[LDN]

Hey Hrk! We are 100% here for you! You are not alone! We are all in this together! I am so happy to hear the Esketemine worked for you! I tried Ketamine once but it didn't work, I have clinical treatment resistant depression. I got a good trip out of the ketamine though, so it wasn't wasted LOL! 

 

Look after yourself! God Bless!

[LDN]

Hey brother so I had a bit of a curve ball again this morning. I was going to the osteopath and my mum came in once I just woken up and said that she had recently been out and the traffic was horrific and so the tube was the best option. I was planning on leaving early in the car to counter act the the traffic, but my mum has also just had a injection in her knee and she said didn't really want to be stuck in traffic with her knee. I have been so fed up of the last month and a bit that I thought to myself 'what the hell, things have been totally rubbish for over a month, so what is there to lose?'. So I didn't even flinch was just 'yeah sure'. I am really at the stage now where I am like nothing left to loose and i can't bothered getting worked up over things. Good days will come, bad days will come, I can't change that. 

 

So then we were driving to the tube and guess what? All the traffic had gone, clear road! So my mum was like we could drive there. But since I had been preparing for the tube I thought I might as well do it as an exposure. But the traffic excuse for taking it had gone, so it was really MY choice now, not something forced on me by the traffic. That is a big difference mentally. Then had to wait 10 minutes on the platform and then the tube was only 10 minutes to the osteopath stop.  A small bit of anxiety and adrenaline I suppose, but really just felt very mundane! Got to the session and I was relaxed and then i went to one shop with my mum and got the tube back. Again i was just present in the moment and I think I too tired to get anxious really! I could feel a little part of me like 'what are doing, this is nuts', but i just let it be and I just stayed chilled. I went over my mantra a fair bit to keep my focus - 'I am spiritual being having a human experience'. When you think and see the world like that, it changes how you see everything. Nothing is as scary, it all feels just like another dream basically. Just take a step back and take it in what is going on around you. I started to look at the paper for a moment on the way back and then I thought no that is just distracting myself. Just be present and open to the experience, don't try and divert attention. 

 

I have been having a fair bit of anxiety last few days and again this afternoon and evening I was feeling a bit anxious again. I was having my siesta and thought to myself how funny it was. Here I am safe in my house feeling so anxious and earlier I was on the tube and felt basically no anxiety LOL!! I have really turned the tables!! My condition is so biological, just random of bursts of depression and anxiety. Also I realised when it is THOUGHTS that feed the anxiety, not the reality of the actual situation. That is what exposures really prove. Certainly for me. When i was on the tube it was chilled and then later on in the day the THOUGHT of the tube was making me anxious. I realised how the reality and the thoughts are completely different. 

 

Must admit the anxiety has been pretty constant since Monday and I feel in a bit of an out of body experience, when you let the anxiety just be it has this affect of making feel like you are almost high or something. I'm not putting a label on the anxiety as good or bad just be present to it and it is very fascinating to observe, once you strip it of it's negative association. Right now I am feeling a lot of anxiety but it's not too uncomfortable because I'm not seeing it as a negative thing. It just is. 

 

My therapist didn't actually say be bolder, but just wanted me to 'get out of the rabbit hole'. She said if she was living like I was she would feel pretty rubbish herself, with getting up dark and being in bed so much. Then I said well I having been resting for a month or so and I'm not feeling better so I might as well try a different approach. 

 

So sorry to hear about that very difficult sleep but I am pleased you managed to improve! Brilliant to have 6 hours out! Congrats for that! Imagine if I told a while back you would be doing 6/7 hours and coping so well! 

 

Wow man I hope you are ok! Crikey that gave a shock just reading it! That is seriously impressive that you coped so well with that, I think I would probably totally freaked out!! That is a great exposure man!! So yet another great day of achievements for you brother!! I hope you can feel proud of yourself and how well you are doing!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless!

[gail]

Gailage... mornings are always my enemy too. I never know what to expect some days as you know. I have been doing really well, but today has thrown me back in it. There are reasons, so I know why it is, but it doesn't help too much. I just have to tough it out. I have been in the same mindset before and I know it will pass, but it does keep returning and this is where I understand you my sweet.
 
Serotonin and cortisol are funny chemicals where they only need to be out of balance a little and it can make everything go wrong - and it is the morning when they are most likely to do this. 
 
My prayers for us all continue.
 
Lovage

Out of likes, but, thank you, we are not alone with this. I'd like to hear about others going through the same thing.

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Your message was a comforting read. You have reached that all important point - what is often referred to, somewhat distastefully as the f*** it point. What is the worst that could happen?! A good mindset and the exact same words I heard over and over from my first therapist. I didn't see the plot twist thou!! That the traffic had cleared! But YES... this is what was needed. The worst was over before it had even started! Just like my experience of driving 20 miles to the garage and engaging with all those new people, strange area, smells and so forth. I was already there. I had already made my mind up that I was doing it. Still not sure I could have don the tube though!! I am still so proud that you can do this. Far too many unknowns for me. I know you live in the city, but that still is no preparation, so proud of you all the same brother. 

 

You also saying that bad days will come and good days will come. Exactly. It was only yesterday that my mum said to me, unprovoked, that she had woken the day before feeling really low and down and just didn't want to get out of bed. She had no idea - it is just what happens, and my mum is a very positive and life affirming person. We all get these days, so I am choosing to "allow" myself these days. If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be human, you'd be a game show host. Famous quote from one of my favourite 80's movies!

 

So when you felt the anxiety moment on the platform, it was more of a case of "oh... it's you again is it Mr. Anxiety. Well I might have expected you, but don't expect too much of a reaction from me today". This is such a good state. Just imagine if this turned into the default thinking process? Even better than when "normal" people have anxiety. 

 

I remember still having anxiety when I was perfectly healthy. I was on a weekend break in Brussels. I turned into a street and was met with a huge crowd of people in the town square. It was the route back to the hotel and I didn't know where else to go. It was very uncomfortable, but I clearly remember having just got on with it, and as soon as I was in the thick of it, it just didn't bother me and the anxiety never got a second thought. How did I do this? The way you are describing is even better because you don't even let that initial fear get its grip on you.

 

Another anecdote for the book right there!! Its a good thing we have this forum post as it will already have a large amount of the content for your book!

 

I felt a little uncomfortable when I woke up. The thoughts that were there waiting were that I only had a couple of hours planned for the day, and after a week of lots of distraction, it worried me that I would be alone too long with my thoughts. But thoughts was as far as it went. I just tried to accept that what will be will be. I would deal with it as and when. And after such a long week, is it the worst thing? No. Things could have been a lot worse and prevented work, which this time of year is a problem believe me!

 

I went to see my friend as is the usual and had a couple of hours with family, dog and cat. Was a little too much excitement with the kids running about all hyper active and the dog barking etc etc. But I let it wash over me knowing that I was only there for this short while and to find things to enjoy about it. Have rested since then and tried to be as comfortable as possible knowing that a few hours rest is no bad thing.

 

Look forward to hearing from you later... and the latest on this new way of thinkage!

 

Much much love to you dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man will try my best! Been non stop anxiety since I posted last night. In an very nasty place. I had said i been facing anxiety since Monday and since last night it dialed it up a notch. The last 6 hours have been the worst. I can barely think. My stomach is in knots. My chest is tense. My throat is tight. It is hard to breathe. Very disorientated and confused. Had a moment earlier this evening when I briefly blacked out and I had no idea what time of the day it was. I have started 2 new supplements recently and I thinking if it is one of them has caused a reaction with my meds. I never normally get anxiety. Depression comes and goes. But anxiety is normally caused by something for me. I am insanely sensitive to changes, so I think it must be one of the supplements I started. I started C8 MCT oil and PQQ. Both look totally harmless when I looked them up, but I feel something has triggered this mental reaction and I don't what else could have. I am not worrying about anything. It is clearly a biological driven issue. 

 

I am fed up of being so stupidly sensitive to slightest change, it means I can't start a supplement without being terrified. I had this earlier in the year when I started a new supplement but it wasn't as bad. Still is bothering me hugely that I can't take these supplements that I really need because I get reactions like this. As I say there is no other explanation than the supplements, unless it is completely random. 

 

I am in huge despair and totally exhausted and drained. Ever since I had that stupid withdrawal I can't take anything with some reaction. Before I NEVER got reactions. What the hell did that withdrawal do? I didn't have an anxiety issue before the withdrawal and now it can become crippling whenever I have the slightest change in what I take. Something really messed me up when I had that withdrawal. 

 

Sorry but my head is all over the shop and I am in major fight or flight mode right now. Have been all day but right now I can't think, can barely breathe, can barely move. Very likely some severe reaction to one of the supplements and I will have to get onto my doctor tomorrow. I just about managed to read your post but it was tough, very very tough. My brain is too agitated. I can't lie this is very scary, what an absurd situation!!! LOL! 

 

This is a type of anxiety that is completely different to the stuff I'll get on a exposure. Anyway sorry for the rant but it is just getting worse and worse. 24 hours is long time, apart from my sleeps, to be in non stop anxiety. Now I am going to be even more scared when I have to start new supplements. This all goes back to the withdrawal, as I mentioned before that I could take anything. I am struggling to deal with how angry I am over that episode and how much it has harmed me and that is me still being on full dose!! People are getting very very rich of the back of people's  suffering, what has the world become? I can accept a natural illness, like my lyme or whatever, but having something that is due to deliberate misinformation is very tough. It is so sad people can do this to fellow human beings. And what for? Just a new car for drugs executives. I am struggling to survive tonight so I apologise for the anger in me, but it is very very hard to take that is was basically preventable if not for corruption. 

 

I really really apologise for this! But it has hurt me hugely how these drug companies who have such great responsibility behave. Again apologise but I am sure you can relate with everything you have gone through brother! I am very rarely like this brother, but hour after hour after hour of high intensity anxiety and you reach a breaking point. Today took me back to my how i felt during my withdrawal and it has brought all that pain back. 

 

I wouldn't have met you if I hadn't had the withdrawal! I am so so so grateful for that! I have to accept it was part of the plan for me to go through this. Nothing is an accident. I trust God's plan for me and surrender to his will. He knows best, not me. I need to remember the bigger picture. I am not here for a good time or here to just get what I want but here to learn and grow and get what I need. I need to move beyond the ego, the desire for my plans and my wishes to come to fruition and put the trust with God's plans for me. As Jesus said 'Abide in my love' - that is my job. Everything will make sense in the end and I will be so thankful for having gone through this. 

 

Dear God, 

 

Thank you for IUN and the rest of this wonderful forum.

I trust your plan for me.

You know what is best for me. 

I am here to spread your love. 

 

Amen 

 

Ok brother will have to find something to spend the rest of my evening doing with this chaotic head!! I am happy things improved for after your morning being slightly uncomfortable. Definitely agree that a rest is a good idea and you should definitely not feel guilty about resting. 

 

I love you so much brother!! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

My sweet London,

Praying for you. I'm beginning to wonder if more people suffer from this than we think. Is it beginning to be universal? Is it a sign of something?

Hold on, we know it will pass. Why not take your benzo? Love, Gail

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

As you may have already seen, I have sent you quite a lengthy PM, so won't do too much here, but I can't not respond to your message from last night. As I said before, I really do think this is chemical... for sure. I am sure we will get to the bottom of it soon. This is just not like you after all you have done. Since March... 9 months, you have made huge strides in getting round this. Sure the odd little setback here and there, but the overall direction has been a positive one. This is just a dip, and something that can and will get fixed. We just need to get on it asap!!

 

Everything that you wrote in your first paragraph you know to be symptoms of anxiety - the blacking out can be quick scary, but again is an overload when the system just needs to shut down and it can't take anymore. As you say, this is the point you know where you have hit a limit and I really feel for you. This is why I know it to be chemical because you have tools and methods and mantras that will prevent you from reaching this point for everything that you are in control of. You are clearly not able to be in control of what is going on here, otherwise you would have done something to curb it. For sure.

 

You never have to apologise man - you know that! I could feel the frustration behind your words and that are perfectly justified. It is simply not fair that people use us like mice. The whole drug system is out of control and the various powers that be have too much power and simply do not care. They sleep at night and if they can't, there's a pill for that. 

 

It is good that you can see the plan for what it is, but it is of my thinking that the little specifics are not always written in. We have free will. That is not to say we take responsibility, but we are subject to the other human behaviour down here as we have already discussed and it is part of life for us to learn how it is dealt with. I do not believe that God, or the plan we choose would have us write every single situation in - after all - we don't know how we will cope with it. If we did, there would be no point in coming down here to learn. That is the purpose of learning. We write the lessons, and how we deal with them is what we learn. I am not saying anything towards what anyone else should believe, but I try to explain this to many people - especially those who say that God lets people suffer, when that is simply not true. If we lived a life of no free will, it would be pointless. 

 

Hope that says something - but again, this is just me shooting from the hip as it were.

 

Just a quick drill down of my day. It has been a very lazy one. I woke feeling a bit fragile because it was an unplanned day. I decided not to do anything on the car as the week had been long and difficult enough as it was. The weather has been nasty which didn't help, but I just let myself feel what I was feeling and got on with some email catch-up, forum posting, study, Christmas shopping ideas etc. Overall, a lazy day and I feel a little more relaxed. Still very apprehensive about Christmas thou. Always a time for concern, but am thinking along the lines of it only can be better than last year!!

 

Will be waiting to hear from you 

 

Much love my brave brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hello Gail! 

 

Thank you so much my love! 

 

Benzo's don't really work anymore with me. 

 

JOY IS COMING FOR US! 

 

God bless and so much love!

[LDN]

Hey brother. So last night things got even worse. It was so tough. Then I woke and of course the anxiety was there! It has lessened a bit through the day, but it came back this evening. Now it is a mix of anxiety and depression together. Horrible. 

 

My specialist found a moderate reaction with Clonazepam and Vitamin E, which is in my PQQ. So I stopped the PQQ today and we will see what happens. 

 

My word this level of anxiety takes it out of you!!! I am so weak, exhausted and drained right now. Plus add the depression in and it isn't pretty. 

 

Thanks so much for your text that meant the world to me brother! 

 

Sorry about being like this. For sure it chemical, not doubt. I was feeling great on Friday after the tube. It is such a come down from then! 

 

Sounds like good rest day for you! Well done man! 

 

I feel a calm beneath the storm and the spirit feels good. This is my brain chemistry and body in a mess, but my I am in good place right now in terms of my spirituality. I said you be healthy and well and have pleasures but not have joy deep down, but you can be in pain and agony but deep down the joy is there. That is me right now. The joy is there deep down. But it is just this damn shell LOL!!! Me the driver of this car, I feel good, but man this car is just a mess LOL!!! 

 

What an adventure for us musketeers hey? What a journey we are on brother!! It is tough but it is spiritually exciting, at least for me!! This is where you learn the real lessons of life. Anybody preach love and positivity when things are going well. That is what is great about you brother, I see such positivity despite such difficult circumstances!!! I really appreciate so much my brother!! 

 

Love you so much man! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Evening brother....

 

So sorry to hear that you got a bit worse after texts etc. The mix is always a tough one - like either isn't enough! Did the specialist give any indication as to how long the effects of the PQQ would take to change around? Has there been any slightest easing of the symptoms today after stopping?

 

The anxiety will be taking so much of the glucose supplies from all the tensing, it is natural that you will feel more drained that usual. And I really understand what you mean by having the joy underneath it all. It is like looking through a window at the good stuff and just not being able to get to it. We suffer the frustration knowing that it is there but blocked from our grasp. 

 

I am forever blaming the shell that we have! I also like to think of it as a corrupt computer system. When new, it works perfectly with its defaults, but as soon as it is exposed to anything, it starts to go wrong - slows down - messes up etc. Lots of potential metaphors...

 

So is there anything underneath that is driving the anxiety - or is it a case that it just is - you are anxious because you are anxious kind of thing? I have found that state when your head just reads the worst into any situation - the same with depression. You know it is not situational as you would focus on the trigger and try to do something about it. Sometimes we can't always see the trigger and think it is just there - but more often than not we will find something. 

 

You do better than me with this stuff as I find the non-situational stuff a lot more scary as I cannot control it and it is a waiting game. When I know what has caused it, I can see it for what it really is and know what I need to do - and where there is any possibility, I will do that and try to rectify the situation. This is why the mornings are scaring me somewhat as I wake with this weird feeling more days than not recently. Wish I could understand it all...

 

Thanks ever so for the PM reply. I won't reply to it this evening as got a fair bit of cog fog this evening for some reason. I woke up quite late for me and the feeling was there already. I think it is my circadian rhythm being all off. I am going to try going to sleep a little earlier today and see what happens. It started like the goldfish bowl syndrome where there is you... and the rest of the world. Not quite to the level of derealisation, but more of a halfway feeling where I was very lonely and felt invisible. So that meant there was no real anxiety, but when I was with clients, I felt it was almost an out of body experience. I was talking perfect sense and managing to do my job, but there was another "me" floating around so the real me was just on autopilot. Very strange indeed. Probably didn't help that I took a dramamine with breakfast and so it went on a near empty stomach. Anyway - will see what happens tomorrow.

 

On that note, I need to get dinner on early if I need to sleep earlier, so.... better get moving! Apologies it is a little shorter than normal, but like you of late, my head is suffering a bit and is having trouble stringing things together and I keep making typos and having to delete. Driving me crazy! 

 

Much love brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Brother! Oh wow that was one intense weekend!! It haven't had anxiety that bad since withdrawal probably! It was so so intense and then yesterday add on top the depression and crickey I was in the deep end! 

 

I heard more from my specialists today and they seem to think a combination of my hyper sensitivity since the withdrawal and some interaction with my meds lead to a state of red alert. I don't know the full details because they spoke to my mum, but she wrote brief notes. So it is comforting there seems to a clear biological reason behind it, but staying that I didn't need them to tell me that. After 8 years I can tell when something is biological and when something is situational. I wasn't actually anxious too much about the anxiety, it was simply my body was in a state of fight or flight non stop. After an hour or two of that intensity you start to get very overwhelmed. All you can do I found was to focus on the inner calm, the inner peace - beyond the shell. You have tell yourself this is just biological, I'm in a good place beyond the biological and that is what matters. 

 

This afternoon the anxiety gave be a brief respite, but I woke in a bad way again. The moment I semi woke I couldn't get back to sleep properly because the anxiety was then keeping me awake, so I got up earlier, without any alarms. That almost never happens! It did mean I got more daylight, so that was a plus. This evening I am feeling anxious again but I am pleased i had that respite this afternoon. I so needed that!! I haven't been given a time frame. This afternoon gave me encouragement though. Felt better today than the last 2 days, so that is something. 

 

Obviously I am knackered now though and I have been emailing my therapist and p doc to keep them up to date, which was exhausting. 

 

I did fit in some garden meditation and it was sensational. I really felt a separation between spirit and body. I was just thinking my body will die but my spirit will live on, so who cares that my body is faulty, it is just a temporal vehicle. It was a beautiful feeling. My body felt so unimportant to me. Also I really felt a sense of perspective and purpose. I want to help others on earth, not myself. So what if I don't feel great, I am here for others. I felt a fire of hope deep inside me that transcended my pain and felt more real and profound that a physical or psychological state. I then thought to myself I have faced 8 years on this and I am still here, that thought gave me massive confidence and sense of achievement. I haven't had a deep spiritual moment for a while, but today was really beautiful. It might not make much sense but those 27 minutes gave me such hope and purpose and perspective. And it was free!! Looking within us can open the doors to the most amazing places. The journey within is incredible. We change the world by changing ourselves. What we see can completely change. And there is no limit to it, you can explore and explore and there is always more. I really need to maintain my focus on this work as it so exciting and gives such joy. 

 

I am so sorry you felt lonely and invisible but boy do those words resonate with me!! And the sense of an outer body experience - I have felt this many many times. Depression really works to isolate us and that feeling of not really being there but just in auto pilot is so isolating. It is hard to connect with people and you feel a sense of emptiness. We need to connect, as we are social animals, and having that taken away is just horrible. I really feel for you, but from my experience these states don't last too long. I must say while I am so so sorry you have to face this, it is comforting to read you as it could be my words, it so similar to what I experience! Remember it change like a flick of a switch. Many times I have gone from such isolation to really connecting. 

 

I think going to bed earlier is a good idea and it is what I am trying to do. The winter really makes a difference here, with it getting dark so early. 

 

I am completely gone here brother but what a pleasure to talk as always with you!! Look after yourself and I hope your evening went well! 

 

I will be praying and thanks again for all the support over the weekend! 

 

I love you brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey man....

 

Glad to hear that you have a potential identification on the issues of the last few days. But as you said, there was a clear indication there and it was a bit coincidental that it all came along with the change of meds. I was thinking about it all earlier today and how scared I would be to go near another med now. After everything that happened after the Dulox withdrawal has been a nightmare and has put me off meds for good! It is not surprising it has almost become some sort of phobia if you have such a significant set of circumstances occur, then a reaction should be expected.

 

Interesting that you mentioned that the benzo doesn't do much for you as I have noticed that the effects have changed for me, even though I do not take them that frequently. Whereas before 5mg would knock me out for the count, it simply doesn't do that - or anything close. It doesn't even relax muscles etc any more. I am sure it does something for the whole fight or flight thing, but it is certainly not the same as it was. How did it present itself with you when they stopped working? Do you not have a substitute? Again, I am reluctant to try something else for fear of the effects - even if they are the same class of drug.

 

Glad to hear that you had that bit of respite - for sure that was needed! You must have been so relieved to know that it was there waiting to come out - and interesting still that it occurred when you stopped the dose. Could it not have been a bedding in period? I forget how long you were on the supplements, and more than likely a question for the experts, but don't rule out that as a potential. It all depends on the half-life that it had in your system as to whether the effects wear off that quickly, but even supplements can have an odd starting-up period. But again, I have no idea about these, so I am sure you would have been informed if that was the case. How has it all faired out today? Any further improvement?

 

I thought you would resonate with the description of yesterday. It wasn't quite as bad today, but I could feel a bit of depression knocking and trying to come through. No anxiety - on the contrary, I went into Tesco bang on 5.45pm with all the rush-hour shopping. It was heaving! So many people, yet I still managed a 20 minute shop in there as we were running low on essentials and I was already getting tired and didn't fancy doing more work only to then have to go shopping. But the depression is a tad worrying, although it cleared up. I am sure the season can be blamed, along with the weather. Dark already by 3.30 with the overcast weather and gale-force winds along the coast... oh and then the rain. Doesn't do much for the soul this sort of environment. Throw in all the building works that are STILL going on in every conceivable direction around my flat, and it can be quite miserable!!

 

Still - we keep plodding on. I did manage about a 30min earlier sleep, and not quite sure it it helped, but will try again this evening and see where it takes me. As you said, the extra light - even if it is only 30 minutes - is something, and could be a make or break for that day.

 

Anyway - hoping you have a good Wednesday and as always, will be looking forward to hearing progress from you later today!

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! I will have to be quite short tonight! Got to get up early for therapy and while today has seen further improvements anxiety wise, that weekend has just absolutely slaughtered me. Plus the cortisol kicked in today!! My word this evening earlier the stress just hit and I was spinning. I felt like falling on the floor of the kitchen and crying my eyes and just giving up. Plus I was so angry about this weekend and bitter. But I managed to just breathe and let it be. A year ago I would have been a state when wall of stress hit me. Would have started shouting or swearing, or even leathered the bin LOL!! But I just went on my computer and just didn't react at all. So relieved I got through that unharmed or having harmed the bin! LOL! It is so bad in that situation because when you come down from the stress, you then feel so bad for shouting/ kicking the bin or whatever way you expressed the stress. So now I feel really happy that I came through such intense burst of stress. Obviously I could have done without it LOL, but I am really pleased with my reaction to it and that has given me a bit of confidence. It has taken years and years but at last some progress!!! 

 

I have stopped the PQQ and slowly it seems the anxiety is getting less. Today I woke without anxiety which felt significant. When I have more details I will fill you in but I am waiting for an email from the specialist. My mum spoke on the phone but I didn't hear the conversation. The one thing my mum told me was my system would have gone into 'red alert', which is exactly what happened. Yeah I am completely paranoid with any new supplements. But i have to risk it, because I need them for my lyme recovery. Catch 22! They are all natural but still that can interact with psychotropic meds! 

 

So basically I don't take any pills apart from at set times. So I take 3 0.5mg clonazepam at day, 2 before my siesta and 1 before bed. Plus I take 1 chlorpromazine before bed. To be honest I notice no difference from taking them. I take them more because it is routine and without them my system will freak out as it is so sensitive, if that makes sense. During my withdrawal chlorpromazine helped a lot, but it completely knocks you out. One 25 mg pill and you can fall asleep for at least 2 hours 30 minutes. It has no withdrawal but obviously it not as simple as that, since any changes at all and my brain just freaks out. I tried reducing it twice last winter, but my body freaked out both times. It also makes your muscles much weaker. The clonazepam is apparently more addictive than heroine, crazy! I was on 7 a day at one point, so pleased to get it down to 3 now. I managed to reduce before my withdrawal. I used to take clonazepam and a paracetamol as a sort of cocktail. Now I really just use my meditation and mindfulness. I am more scared of going onto to anything else than pretty much anything else. These meds are terrifying. I would prefer a horror weekend like I had, rather than being stuck on something for years. Plus the mindfulness is a better help than any pills anyway, certainly long term. Plus no withdrawal and side effects!!!! And free!!! You can't patent it LOL!!! 

 

Sorry about that depression but it sounds like you handled it well! Definitely agree about the time of year. My therapist was saying she was feeling down with the weather she was considering getting a sun lamp for herself!!! Plus my sister has been feeling a bit low. The build up of the end of the year plus such early darkness, plus the pressure of christmas! Nightmare time of the year! Also well done for the rush hour shop congrats man!! 

 

Ok brother better try and get some sleep! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

This is uncanny as I have had the stress really kick in today. I am in a similar state, but not quite as bad as yourself, but really have had enough of so much going on around me. I feel like I want to stand still but there is someone pushing me from behind to make me keep going and I just don't want to!! I woke up an hour before my alarm for the therapist courtesy of the most awful building noise I could imagine. I couldn't put my plugs in as I would not hear the alarm so I had to endure it. But it did stop and I fell back to sleep, but in doing so I had the most vivid dream that I had slept past my alarm and I was running to the session, and along the way I was being stopped by all these politicians about voting (the other thing I have had enough of). So when I woke up I had derealisation and didn't really know what was going on. Session was also quite tough so by the time I got home, I just collapsed in bed. 

 

I've done my rounds here for this evening, had a soak in the bath and just taken some special K as I really cannot calm down. I intend on having dinner and then hopefully being in the right frame of mind to get a good meditation session in. I will be honest in saying I have neglected it of late and I can tell the difference.

 

Very proud of you for controlling the situation and to gain the confidence from it is such a reward. Harnessing that approach in any situation is an amazing thing and will of course serve you well. Also glad that the anxiety has abated following a stop of the PQQ. Good news. Crazy how we have to be careful with anything - even the natural stuff!!

 

Can also understand about the schedule of taking the pills - makes perfect sense to me and it scares the crap out of me to consider stopping the Citalopram - even if this good patch lasted a year it would still scare me!! But I know it can't carry on. But nothing is happening this side of Christmas - that's for sure!

 

Anyway - time for my apologies as I really need to rest. I am typing at 100's of words a minute here and having had to get my 6-monthly review paperwork in by this evening for my supervisor, it has been a bit full on since I got back from work.

 

More catching up tomorrow though - hope to hear more better news as a result of stopping the supplements.

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. Sorry to hear about the stress. It sounds you handled it well though. It sounds full on with the study as well!! So well done for getting through it all! Interesting you noticed a difference from not meditating. It did seem from the outside like it helped a lot, but obviously i am biased LOL! Still I hope it went well tonight the session! Hopefully tomorrow morning will be better. Though as it is voting day don't be harsh on yourself. Remember the self compassion. I am finding the politics very very uncomfortable and even my therapist told me she was getting worked up and had to calm herself. I have had to talk to canvassers at the front door and endless stuff through the letterbox! 

 

Last night I went to bed in a state of stress but did manage to get to sleep. But didn't sleep great and then this morning felt so weak and my neck was very tight. Had therapy and then a brief walk and then my siesta. Then this evening got a bit worked up. I was taking the PQQ for around 4 or 5 days so it will take time to get it out completely and I feel anxious again tonight. Been such a draining time since my dip. My equilibrium isn't there at the moment. So just a sense of confusion. Plus christmas coming up! Historically that has been an awful time of the year for me as well, so there is a lot of trauma associated. 

 

Sorry man my head is just completely empty right now! As I say the equilibrium isn't there right now. The dip and then the supplement clash and it is a lot for my system. I will update when I hear back from the specialist about the reason for the 'red alert' reaction! 

 

Look after yourself brother! You are doing great and remember that self compassion! I hope the stress lifts! I will be praying! 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Pleased to say I had a better day. I started to meditate around 2am but didn't remember much after that!! I didn't wake until almost 1pm! I am turning into you man! I had one client and then came home for 2 hours and didn't make any calls or emails or anything. Just mucking about with my phone for entertainment. Still felt a little stressed as I could feel the pressure outside with all the holiday stuff coming up and the bloody election. The weather was also a mix of strong winds, very cold and pissing rain. So all factored in, it was a rotten environment for a good day, but somehow I managed it. I really needed to take it easy. I have also done some art this evening in place of work emails and study. I feel much better for it. 

 

However, I have got a very busy day tomorrow with little time for rest, so I hope I can still maintain a level head. As long as no one talks politics I hope I will be OK. I have just about had it with it all. Everyone is talking about it and I just don't care!! Sure I did my bit, but the whole of the UK is such a screw up in the eyes of the rest of the world. Just get on with it!! I knew this would happen from the moment Teresa May got it. But I am not going to talk any more about it. What will be will be and I am not getting worked up over it.... but I am watching the live results as they come in.

 

I am glad that you are also finding the whole thing uncomfortable too. I remember my friend in America had a meltdown when the whole trump stuff happened in the US. She was in such a state for the whole thing. She wasn't even that fussed about the whole thing, but it again, is just the atmosphere about the whole thing. 

 

I expect it is all adding to your existing condition at the moment, and dare I say, living in London, will not help things. I expect you are manifesting tension through all sorts of things - your neck being one of them... and sleep. I have been waking up a lot more often than normal lately, although I am still able to get enough rest thank goodness. 

 

Christmas is a time for a lot of pressure and much like you, has historically shown itself to be a difficult time. I know it sounds crazy but I am petrified of Saturday as the 14th has shown itself to always bring horrific news. It was the day I had my near-death car accident, it was also the 14th that my friend died too young, it was the 14th last year that I had the news about my friend overseas that I mentioned in a PM - there are more and I just want to stay indoors all day! My weekend friend is on holiday, so I have no commitments. I am not sure whether to face it, or just stay away from everything... I know people will think I am superstitious, but it is very coincidental.

 

We need to stick together - our first Christmas!! LOL - sound like a couple! But we nee to keep each other going over the next couple of weeks. There can be a lot to get through. What are your plans for Christmas and New Year? Do your family venture down to the country for any of it? Any potential for you to go with them?

 

Will be interested to hear more about this red alert situation as and when you know more. It will be good for the forum as well. There are plenty of people out there that will be sensitive as well that would benefit from the knowledge. Yours is obviously a very unique system that makes it difficult to foresee what could occur. I guess the issue is that if you took heed of all potential clashes you would never take anything! I am tempted to blame the Duloxetine, as much as you don't want to hear that, but I too noticed so many issues with pills and supplements after taking that horrible stuff.

 

Anyway. I guess I have better consider earlier meditation so I don't fall asleep again! I know I need the sleep, but I don't want to miss out on quality meditation time. It is important as you say... Will be waiting to hear the latest. Prayers continuing this end for you...

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Going to be really short tonight had a really tough day with anxiety and then my brother and dad were watching the politics on tv so I couldn't have my usual quiet time. Ended just watching with them and now have a massive headache. Tv, radios, phones it's been non stop with the news today. Will fill you in tomorrow. Very concerned and upset and disorientated with the anxiety today. First it hit me after voting and then when I was about to have my siesta it hit HARD. My nerves in the back of my neck and shoulders were feeling on fire. Like I had ants under my skin. Tingling intensely down my spine. Stomach churning like mad. My heart rate was crazy. I felt very hot. It was reminiscent of the worst moments of withdrawal. Head spinning. Feeling absolutely terrified. So a major anxiety attack plus the election, plus all the screens and missing out of my quiet time. It is not good. My equilibrium is all over the shop as I said yesterday. 

 

So happy you had a good day! Great news! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Well what a nightmare day! I actually lost it with someone today because they started talking politics when I explicitly asked them not to. It was like a switch on me! I don't know how you managed to watch it on the TV. I check the live results before I went to bed and then checked the outcome when I woke. Was pretty much what I thought it would be and that is the end of that - or at least I home so. Three elections in four years. How bloody stupid can our nation get? It is absolute tripe. That is my last and final word on it...!

 

Good to hear back from you earlier this evening. I really do think there is too much going on for us both at the moment. This time of year there is so much pressure to get everything just right and for everyone to be happy - and if you are not, there is something wrong with you. Well, yes, there IS something wrong with me!! LOL. Let's just let it be as you rightly say man. Absolutely. Who cares. Far better that people see what the holidays cause rather than pretend and let it carry on falsely with all this bollocks that is going on. Thank the Lord for Internet shopping, that is all I can say!!

 

So what do you think caused the nerves in your neck and shoulders to go haywire? Do you think this is the tension you are feeling from each side? I am always doing this with my jaw and not noticing it. I am always clenching my jaw or teeth and try to remember to keep checking but never do. But I am really sorry to read everything that you have been through because of this. I found that anxiety has hit the UK with everything going on - some links posted on the word game earlier. At least people are sitting up and realising what it is all about. But then again, this is just news - it is something good to read - doesn't mean anything will necessarily get done about it! Ah man - sorry I am having a right good moan here, but that is honestly how I feel. Just being pushed and pulled into every direction except the one I want to go in! I am sure you can empathise with that. 

 

I really hope that things have picked up a bit since we spoke. You know it will pass. Remember you are a spiritual being (a very spiritual being at that!) having a human experience. Very profound words and find myself repeating them to myself so many times a day now. It sort of manifests in a good version of derealisation. This is mean but not the real me. I can sort of picture myself back up at Home looking down on myself and thinking "well done IUN... I know we are putting us through this now, but you are doing well". It sort of helps to think that way. Makes me feel a but homesick though. I know you get this too - as does our lovely Gailage. I am sure people would wonder how we could feel homesick for a place that we cannot remember, but it isn't a case of remembering in the human sense. It is not in the mind, it is in the soul. Your soul is missing its nourishment that only the Summerlands can deliver. I am sure when we are in tune at the right times, we can miss this feeling. I don't know how else to describe it. It is more than a feeling that earth is like being at work and Heaven is coming home to rest. It is much more than that. I am sure I could find the words if my head was more with it, but just wanted to share this feeling with you.

 

Right. Will call it in there just in case you are still not in the best place. Write what you can, if you can man. Don't feel bad if you can't. I completely understand, and I want you to rest as much as you need. I have the whole weekend without appointments, so I am hoping that I can let things be and get plenty of well deserved rest in. But what will be will be. We'll just see how it all plays out and go with that!!

 

So much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Out of likes, but beautiful words!! I have the EXACT same thing as you when I am hit with intense derealisation or anxiety. It really hits home, this is just my body, but I am more than that. Today this exactly happened. I had bad anxiety again at my siesta and was lying in bed and felt like with the anxiety like I was out of my body just looking in. I really am more and more experience a distance from my body and brain and spirit. I can genuinely notice the separation. The simple fact is their are different modes of consciousness. The state I am in right now is obviously rubbish if I wanted to do a job, be normal etc BUT spiritually it is eye opening. It is unpleasant but it really does take you to a completely different plane of consciousness. So today was lying in bed for my siesta and life felt like it was a dream. Just an elaborate and more meaningful dream, but not the REAL thing. One of Buddhist monks i read said dying is like waking up from a dream and this just really resonated with me. Interesting, from my extremely amateur readings of quantum physics, the idea of life as a sort of dream is actually sort of backed up. I won't go into the details but fundamentally things are not as the seem when we look at them at a subatomic level. I mentioned before but the Holographic Universe is worth looking into. I got into all this stuff from my Lyme doctor. But it actually really helps because, at least for me, it opens your eyes to this concept that most people are basically living in an illusion. Which is very similar to idea spiritually that we are just spiritual beings just having a human experience. Most don't think like this and so think this life is it. 

 

So anyway as I said I was having this anxiety and I sort of left my body and it was as if my spirit said 'This is just basically a dream, so just make the most of it, but don't get too worked up or anything'. It was amazing. In the middle on the anxiety I just totally checked out and was like 'this isn't that deep'. Obviously my actions have consequences unlike in a dream, but I hope you can understand the analogy. Basically the main thing being just as we wake from dreams, from this earthly life we will similarly wake. If that makes sense. Also the idea of lucid dreaming. In lucid dreams we know we are in a dream and can control what we do and so if we can similarly acknowledge we are going to wake up from this earth world, it like lucid dreaming. Another analogy is the Matrix. This again I got from the Buddhists. In the Matrix, they are put to sleep and live in illusory world. There is the red pill, which wakes us up to the reality this world isn't really it, or the blue pill which we continue to live in illusion. 

 

Anyway this all so interesting and I plan to read much more on the physics next year!! Incredible you had the exact same thoughts today as me!!! Gail likes the quote ' I am spiritual being having a human experience' as well!! It is my main one to go to!! I just tell to myself all the the time!! 

 

Last night in bed things got very weird. I suddenly felt bad pain in my heart or lungs area. I could barely move. I also had so much gas, from both ends (sorry!!). I was really worried and that I might have to go to A and E. It was really bad pain. I found a position that was more comfortable and kept calm and luckily I fell asleep. Then today I haven't had it. So weird. But I have had anxiety back again today, as I mentioned. Right now my shoulders are very very tight and in pain. The nerves tingling I had yesterday was a product of the anxiety, it was just my brain sending signals that you would normally only have if you saw a snake or something. As I said my equilibrium in my brain is all over the shop right now and all sorts of signals are being sent out. Something wrong but thankfully the spirituality is keeping things bearable. 

 

Went out for my garden meditation today, which was need more than ever!! And I wasn't checking the time and I came in and it had been 42 minutes!! I would have had no idea how long I had been!! I was out of time and that is just such a stunning feeling. I thought to myself when I was out there, why do I ever come in??? LOL! I mean everything is so much better just in the silence and stillness. It is just where I go to make sense of things. It like traveling to a different world. Away from all the stimulation and distraction. Out there it feels more real than 'normal' living. 

 

Again such beautiful words about the Summerland and thank you for sharing it, it resonated with me very much! Yes I am definitely homesick for it, but we can get little tastes of it down here!! Like meeting you! 

 

I hope you have a good restful weekend man!! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Brilliant posts. And yes, my favorite is I AM A SPIRITAL BEING HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Practicing saying it thinking of it. Thanks guys for your posts. Lovage!

[invalidusername]

Thanks Gailage! As always, wonderful to see you so active on the forum. Makes me so happy that you are all part of the family here... whether you are here or not! 

 

Wishing you a wonderful weekend. Lovely weather in the UK today but I am having to rest after this week.

 

Much lovage.

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Well the 14th is almost over and I have survived it without anything too disastrous happening. I know it all sounds superstitious, but I know you understand me. Anyone with anxiety will be the same. The wife was also saying that a lot of people on facebook are posting how awful they feel today now the election is over. People are feeling depressed and low - some have even been crying for all the pressure. It's a crazy world brother... I long for home.

 

Wonderful what you write about this separation, that you can feel the difference. Truly a great thing to behold I am sure. If this can move over into a waking mindset, you will have it made. I guess this is the work on the monks, and how they achieve enlightenment. I have got a book on the holographic universe as well. I can see it from where I am! But I know I haven't read it yet. I bought it while it was cheap a while back. I will need to have a look if you say it has spiritual overtones. The matrix was an amazing movie for the concept. Not much for Keanu Reaves' acting, but the storyline is inspired. 

 

So, today has been OK for me. Nothing great. But I had a mini wave of depression hit me out of nowhere around 7pm. It was intense just for a few seconds and then levelled out, but it is still in the background on and off. Really trying not to let it bother me, but I haven't felt that for a long time now.... and I don't want it back! I really need the self-compassion kicking in round about now. It is OK to have the off day here and there. I have had my fair share of good days even for a normal person! Big picture! Like you, I can feel the "real me" underneath it all. It seems biological as I can still think of doing all the things that make me happy. It is letting go of the shock of it that has me.

 

I will have to send you a list of the books in my library I think, just so you can see what I have read and what makes me think. It is an excel spreadsheet, but I think I can convert to a pdf or something. I will give it a try in a moment and email over to you. 

 

Great to hear about the garden meditation. Truly wonderful! A massive congrats and hug for that one. The fact that you didn't think of the time and just did. You were just being. That's the stuff. Makes me wish I had a garden. As I have said before, my parents place is ideal for it, but nothing at the flat. Sure there is the grass outside, but it is far too public. I need privacy just like you.

 

Right off to see to that book list, and then try and relax and let some of these bad feelings slip me by. I can feel it nagging at me to let it in and open up to the depression, and I know I should just let it be, but there is fear behind it as you can imagine after such a long period of feeling relatively normal. And what is worse, is that if I do feel bad, it has only been during the day - never at night. The schedule is off! Just like you! Really need to let it be....

 

Love you brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so got a surprise exposure to revile!! I didn't tell you because I thought I might drop out at the last minute with this last week being so bad! But I made it!! So basically for ages my cousins planned a surprise birthday party for my aunt and uncle! I have been planning for this for months! So my approach was let just see what happens and if I'm up for it, then I'll go. I thought I'll decide the night before, things change too much with me to make plans. So last night I wasn't nervous and earlier in the week I thought I am going to do this during some garden meditation. 

 

So I got up, got dressed and basically got in the car. It was in a pub nearby. Drove to the pub. All through no anxiety!! A little meditation in the car for a minute or so to focus on love. Then got and just walked in with my mum and sister and again just no anxiety. Music was playing in the pub!! Then we waited for about 30 minutes and my aunt and uncle arrived and of course they were shocked!! I met one of my cousins husband for the 1st time, having heard loads about him. Plus I hadn't seen her for about 7 years, she didn't even recognise me at first!! Plus met their little daughter for the first time! Chatted to both of them for a while, which was lovely. Then chatted to my cousin who I saw briefly about a month ago for a bit and then chatted to his wife who I hadn't see for about 8 years for ages! Plus met their daughter for the first time!! It was a busy pub and I haven't been in a pub for years and years! Neither been to a party for years and years!! So it was a massive exposure for me, right up there as the biggest this year! Plus as I say all the time music and lots of talking in the background!!!

 

I had no plans for how long to stay, just thought I will see how I feel. I had no idea about the time when I was there, it turned out when I left I had been there for about 3 hours 15 minutes!!! For the most part of that I was absolutely fine and only right at the end started to feel tired. But what was mad was almost zero anxiety. Every conversation I felt so relaxed, calm, no nerves. It was as if I had had a few drink but I was completely sober obviously!! I was so deep in conversation with all these people I didn't really know what was going on elsewhere. Obviously the people I hadn't seen for a while or met before where the ones I spoke to most. Briefly chatted to 2 other cousins who I have seen this year, plus my aunt and uncle and then another aunt who I have seen this year. 

 

My brother actually said I was probably more at ease than him!!! Imagine - he is 100% well, works full time, has loads of friends, travelled loads!!  

 

Man my head is just buzzing as I have so much to tell you!!! Will have to fill you in more tomorrow, as obviously I am quite tired!! 

 

But what I really proved with today is that while I am unbelievably sensitive to meds, supplements, I am now much less sensitive to external stimulus!! The complete opposite of before my withdrawal!! Man it is unbelievable that in March I was only just able to leave the front door and that made me so so anxious and now I can go to busy pub and get to no anxiety!!! That is an unbelievable turnaround!! To be honest I think I would have got nervous before I got ill doing something like this, having not seen people for years. I always got quite nervous for parties before. But today I just was just so liberated, like I just carried all that stuff we were talking about last night into it. Just treated it like a dream. It just didn't feel scary when I was on the way or the night before! 

 

Anyway I was talking my cousin's wife and she was saying she is really struggling with anxiety due to the election. When were then talking about the NHS and she is from America. I was telling about your story and she was saying she had a close friend who had a very similar experience in Texas, where the she was taking pain meds or along those lines and the doctor just took them all away!! Then I told her I had myself had very bad withdrawal and she asked me a bit about it and then she started crying!! We hugged and it was really deep moment man!! I felt such love from her!! Like it was just magical. She was saying 'I'm just so happy your here, this is amazing. I'm always here for you'. Bear in mind I haven't seen her for 8 years!!! Really felt so nice to get so deep with her and be so open about my struggles and then for her to be so supportive. My sister afterwards said she could tell we were getting deep. 

 

I think everybody was so surprised I was there, no one expected me to be there. I have be unable to do these family events for years man and I can't lie it hurt to feel out of it. It was such a burden knowing I hadn't seen so many close relations for so long, missed so many weddings, hadn't met their kids. So today was a big deal for me. It means so much. I didn't no if this day would ever come to be honest. The fact I could cope so well is just insane. That is so positive for the future - both in terms of social anxiety and my strength. Standing up for basically 3 hours! Plus the music! So just need to sort this non situational anxiety out now. 

 

But man the main thing right now is to thank you! Before I met you I hadn't done any of this stuff for as I say 7 to 8 years!! Meeting you and Gail - it changed my life. That is undeniable. I would not have done today without your incredible support and love and the care you shown to me! Honestly I am really emotional writing this brother!! I owe you everything!! You have literally changed my life and I hope you can remember that in the tough moments - your love is changing lives man!! I came to from my isolation for 7 1/2 years and from the start you welcomed me, showed me love, you cared for me and nurtured me to this point. That is heroic man and I just hope I can am able to help you in return. 

 

Life is just absurd man - I have had a terrible week, just had the election, and then do this and get no anxiety!!! Mentally I feel today was a big moment in my growth. The garden meditation of this week laid the ground for me to do that today. That was the key for me. Working on that separation of body and soul and on love. 

 

Ok man so sorry for this being so long, but I had so much to tell you!! 

 

So happy you came through the 14th!! I totally understand man, trust me! For me it is Christmas in general that is always bad for me. From what your wife was saying about the election my sister was in tears on the night! 

 

Man really sorry about that mini depression but it sounds like you dealt with it great! Remember the days off always hit us harder, when our barriers are down. As you say remember the bigger picture and the self compassion - 100%!! It is ok to have a few rest days!! Everybody needs them!! 

 

Ah man I have my doc on skype tomorrow!! I could have done with a rest!! 

 

Again thank you from the bottom of my heart for unlocking my potential and making something as joyful for my family as today happen! My aunt whose party it was said it made the party me being there. Can you imagine us planning this out in the Summerland!! Sorry again for being long but obviously a lot to tell you! And it is you who deserves the credit, along with Gail of course and the rest of the forum! What a beautiful place it is here and little corner of heaven on our earthly journey! 

 

I hope you can see for all the struggles you are doing such incredible work on earth man!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Gail I just want to thank you so much for all your love, support, kindness, care and love! You have changed my life - 100%!! I hope you realise how much beauty, love and goodness you bring to this world!! Through all your struggles you are changing peoples lives my love!! Thank you always from the bottom of my heart!! 

 

God loves you so much and so much joy and peace and love is coming for you!! 

 

We are the musketeers who are spiritual beings having a human experience, an adventure together!! 

 

Love you will all my heart!!! 

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Couldn't believe what I was reading this morning when I woke up!! That has got to be right at the top of exposures list, no?! I know I did my Mum's 70th, but that was at their home and mostly people I knew. But in a public place with strangers... that takes the prize man. I am speechless. Incredible how things can turn around like that. Superb how you just got into the vibe of it all and went with the flow. I hope you are suitably proud of yourself - especially considering what you were back in March.

 

I am very flattered with your thoughts of me helping you along the way, and when I read this earlier, I was in a very bad way and it made me cry. I felt your love through the words and it made me feel that someone as insignificant as me, laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, can have this impact. But never underestimate the work you put in. Mine are just the words. And of course, Gailage, Hat, Liz and the rest of the forum here - we are all behind one another at all times. 

 

Now I really don't want to rain on your parade, but after my message, things got worse... a LOT worse. The curse of the 14th has not been lifted. I got freaked out again by this depression and just got caught up in the thoughts of it all. Why was it still there at night? I never have this stuff at night since the start of the year! I got so worried and then I hardly got any sleep.

 

I did get a couple of hours but then woke to the same horrific depression and fear hit me like a brick wall. This took over the depression and I was shaking in the fetal position under my duvet. The wife got me some special K which was great for about 3 hours, but of course, it was right there waiting for when the effect wore off, and I am not taking any more than the one dose in a day. I tried valium - didn't work. So I endured 6 hours of the worst fear I have felt in months. I was just curled up in bed praying for help. It was all I could do. I was shaking all over. It started to ease around 9pm and I have felt more at ease since, but still very fragile. I sincerely hope it was just a build up of the week being let out, but of course during the fear, I was convinced this would turn into a 3 month saga of depression and anxiety all over again. It was all stemming from the fact that I have had 7 great weeks. It is so far to fall man....

 

Even writing that paragraph is painful. I need to forget about it. It happened and I need to let it go. This has always been my problem and I need to get through it. 

 

Anyway - apologies that this should clash with your amazing moment, but it in no way depletes how proud I am of you - and what lovely words from your Auntie for your being there. This is sure one to look back in many time from now...

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Aw brother I am so so sorry to hear that!! But be of no doubt how much of an impact you have made to my life! You thing it was a coincidence that just as I met you I then suddenly started to improve??? No way!!!! Me going out from the house and me meeting you are completely linked. Knowing that i can come here and let off steam and bear my soul to someone who loves and understands me is incredible. Having someone who understands the struggles and can share in the achievements. We work as a team brother. We are completely the same wavelength spiritually and that is really rare to find. Incredible I found you. All part of the plan and we are on this spiritual journey together, as brothers. I was thinking of you straight after with such gratitude and was really emotional when I came to write as me and my family just owe you so so so so much!!!!! I just hope i can help in someway!! Don't forget how much you are giving to the world brother!!! 

 

Again so sorry to hear about that depression and fear and I know it so well what you describe! But last weekend was almost non stop intense anxiety for me and then a week later look what happened. Things can change very quickly as I always say. Try as much as possible not to go over how long this will last. As I say I had a horror weekend and then had on Thursday night that massive anxiety again plus my pain in my chest, which was agony. Last weekend seriously traumatised me man but as I say things change so quickly. 

 

I really suspect that as I said yesterday with our barriers down we are most vulnerable and these rest periods often end up really tough. This has been such a long year for you brother, like me. Plus the pressure of Christmas! Every January I feel such a weight of my shoulders! So the combination of the pressure of christmas and having had such an exhausting year, plus having the barriers down could have led to this I think. Plus don't discount the immense pressure the 14th brought with it. That was understandably a huge pressure on you. If we our looking out for the worst then often we will find something to affect us. If you are fearful, you will find something to be afraid of. I have discovered this so much with my journey. Like yesterday I wasn't fearful so I had went relaxed but in the past when i have been so scared of going out, everything is a threat. I couldn't relax, any minute something bad was going to happen. As i have said before if we can change our mind, we can change our world. The world we see if simply a result of where our mind is at. At least this year nothing situationally bad happened but just a really horrific wave of depression and fear.

 

The difference for me was I had my crash in early November so got in a month of doing but rest. Whereas for you, you have been working all this time. Absolutely non stop. And remember it is never a straight line. We will always have dips, it is just the nature of the recovery process. Remember what I said about we will have good days and bad days , that is life on earth. Obviously for us it is exaggerated but happens to everybody. If we can have that acceptance and be at peace with that, then we have not much to fear. 

 

It hurt me so much to hear that but I do think as much as possible to try and just let things be and trust in life, trust in the plan, trust in God. Remember the bigger picture. We can't determine what happens to us, but we can our reaction. That is what we can control. Just take in one day at a time and try to be just be present and let go. All you can do is try your best and then results are out of your hands. This isn't the real world brother. We are here having a human experience. We are here to learn and grow. It might not make sense now but one day it will. 

 

Yeah man I thought of your mum 70th as similar before, and knowing you had done that gave me confidence. It is up there with the tube on my own for sure. My mentality was what was the most pleasing for me, I just couldn't believe I had no anxiety at all!!! I was so relaxed it didn't seem real! I can only put it down to the work in the garden last week. I really calmed my mind and got in the right place mentally for it. I went over my key principles and gave myself a solid platform. Also as my week had been so bad I was completely prepared for it to go very badly, but I wanted to turn up for my aunt. So since I had no expectations at all, apart from bad ones, I felt I had nothing to lose really. The mindfulness and meditation is just insane in what it has done. Far far out does any drug by a mile. 

 

The chat with my cousins wife was really special as I said. I realise it was actually 9 years since I last saw her, so to get so deep straight away was really powerful. To see her cry and hug and be so confident to talk about my mental health was big for me. Gives you hope for humanity those moments. 

 

I will be praying for you brother and you know where I am and I am always here for you! We will do this!!

 

Thank you so much for everything! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless!

[gail]

Dear Scrat, I'm so sorry for what you went through. I've been there and still go there to that place looking like hell.i take pills to help me through. As London said, things change fast. Thank God for that. Our today is not our tomorrow. I'm just starting to come off of that morning of fear and tears. It seems to be every morning lately. Lovage.


Dear London,

Still amazed by that exposure, we never know what to expect. So Proud and happy for you.
You are an example to follow. My mentor, you are. so happy that you joined the forum.


Reading you both is enlighting. Because so many are go8ng through this kind of hell, many more than we think. Thank you London for helping with your words of wisdom and your love, love you