2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey TryinginFL!!

 

I didn't know you had 2 dogs!! Is the other Maltese as well?

 

How is Wigley? Is that the dog in your picture? 

 

I hope you are well! 

 

God Bless!

[TryinginFL]

Hey LDN!

 

Yes, the pic is of Wrigley (as in Field)….I have been a Cubs fan all of my life!!

 

My other dog is Lhasa Apso and Pekingese named Sherman...both dogs are close to 12 yrs 

 

I hope that you are doing well and slowly improving

 

Liz

[fishinghat]

Frog, I don't know what to say that IUN hasn't. So many members supported me during my suffering how could I not stay and return the favor. God bless you frog.

[frog]

LDN I think even lazier dogs like Greyhounds benefit from one good walk a day but if you have a decent sized yard with a fence I think they would be ok to run around out there on their own when you can't do the walk. As for cats + dogs, it may be that your feral friend grew up alongside dogs or is just generally a braver cat (a bit of a rarity). Kittens are adorable but also absolutely insane for like a good year before they calm down a bit so just be prepared for that, but I think the more you can expose your kitten to as a baby the more well adjusted they'll be in their later years

 

TryinginFL are you from Chicago? I lived there for most of my life before moving out here to SF

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Our little journal area is becoming quite popular!! You will be exhausted before long!! Please only write as much as you can though man. I understand that there must be a limit to what can be written in one day.

 

Thank you - and all - for the kind words said about my help on the forum. I did what I could today, but there was a lot to focus on trying to get through a "normal" day after 3 days inside. Although it has to be said, I felt assistance as I thought it would be a lot more difficult than it has been. I at least expected an element of anxiety after not setting foot outside for so long, but there was absolutely none! 

 

So the weakness is carrying on? I am sorry to hear that brother. It has been a while, but I guess it is proportionate with the length and severity of the exposures. But over time, it is my fond hope that this association will gradually drift further apart and when these times happen, it will only be a day or two regardless of the level of stress and the circumstances. But if you think about it, it is logical. For example, if you lost a £10 note to a rogue gust of wind, you would be upset for a while, but will have forgotten it later that day. But if you lost something like a pet (heaven forbid), it would take considerably longer. It is the weight that we give it that determines the length of suffering - and of course how we perceive the emotional affect that follows. I can also understand your decision with the antibiotics. In my experience, antibiotics play havoc with my depression, so I would certainly give them a miss!!

 

You are absolutely right about the change in the routine. I hadn't thought of that at all. This can cause its own stress just as you say. My body isn't used to doing something at 2pm on a Wednesday... and for 3 weeks it has. That is stress on its own, let alone being out for more hours at a time. This all has an impact. I also feel very much the same with my body holding me back at the moment. Although I said I did not have anxiety today, this was meant in terms of being out and about, going shopping and being around other people. None of that bothered me, despite being in isolation for 3 days. However, what DID bother me was the bloody headache that I woke up to. I thought I had seen the back of them! On the plus side, the stress wall wasn't there which was a huge relief, but I was so so fed up when I woke to the headache. It has been on and off all day. Not so much that I couldn't work, but enough that I couldn't shake it from my attention. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go to the doctor - that is enough stress in itself. Maybe it will go again as it did last Friday. No need to decide now. One day at a time...

 

...and well done on your 19 minutes! Anything at the moment is a huge leap forward. 1 minute or 19 minutes. The point to consider here is that you are making the effort and managing it. You know your limits, just make sure you stick to that! Just go easy as hard as it might seem to do so at the moment. Time now to nurse my broken head....

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[TryinginFL]

Hey Frog!

 

Yes, I am from a suburb, Hinsdale, born and raised - lived there 43 yrs!

 

My mother and all 3 of my kids were born and raised there as well...

 

Unfortunately it has changed so much that I will never go back - I was there  more than 10 yrs ago and cried 

 

Liz

[LDN]

Hey Liz!! 

 

Yeah I remember you telling me about how you are a Cubs fan and that Wrigley was named after Wrigley Field!! Such a famous stadium!!

 

Ah wow I love Lhasa Apso!! That mixed with Pekingese must be so cute!! 

 

Thanks for your kind words!! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey frog, yeah it would be a joint dog between me and my mum, so she will always be able to take it out. Also we do have a garden, so it will be able to play out there. Fully grown they need 20 to 30 minutes walk a day I have read. 

 

I hope you are progressing well and thanks for all this info!!

[LDN]

Hey brother! Very tough and strange day. Had my alarm going off for another whole hour, while I lay in bed half a sleep. I was too weak and tired to get up and turn it off, so it just kept on going. It was torture, I so wanted to throw something at it. It was almost traumatising. But I was just too weak to move. Got up then way too late, when it was proper dark outside. So i went to bed when it was dark and woke when it was dark. I set the alarm so I would get some light but what can I do if I am too tired to get up and turn it off. I have it on the floor, so it makes me get up out of bed, but now I can't even do that. I am just sleeping so much at the moment. Haven't slept this much for at least 2 years. Obviously then waking up so late my routine is all over the place and I have to rush to fit in my walk, my sauna, my shower, a shave, then all my supplements, then my stretches, then make lunch, then back to bed. I felt intense stress today but tried to handle as best as possible. On top of everything had bad anxiety throughout the day. The worst anxiety for a while. I'm coped with that well though and the fatigue bothers me much more. With anxiety I have the tools to deal with it and not let it hold me back, but with the fatigue I am completely helpless. What was impressive was the fact I even got myself outside for a walk at all. That was a big achievement in the circumstances. I have been fatigued since 2013 so it's is nothing remotely new. It is just weird to spend most days sleeping more than you are awake, it sorts makes you feel a bit alienated from the world. I feel disorientated and strange. But I have been told to rest and pushing myself would not be a good idea. 

 

I am really pleased to hear you managed to get out and that you faced no anxiety. That is fantastic brother! And to get some shopping done as well is fantastic! I am sorry to hear about the headache. But I think that is so great you where able to get out today. That is a really big achievement! Plus I'm sure the last few days rest will have done you a great deal of good! And great that the stress wall wasn't there too! Really pleased to hear that. I hope you have had some time to meditate as I know how much that helped the morning stress! 

 

Anyway man will continue to pray for you! Overall I feel you are making brilliant progress and the little dips, like over the weekend, i feel you are handling really well! 

 

I am in a really weird head space right now! LOL! Feeling confused. 

 

Love you brother! 

 

God bless!

[gail]

Again a nice post London. More on dogs. Went to get the water drained from my long. He did not think it necessary but since it reassured me. He did, was he glad he did it.

I'm also in a weird place in my brain, I met a man that I saw seven years ago he gave me his phone number if I need to talk. He will pray for me also the man who was in charge of me said the same. Please, may I ask you who are reading to say a prayer for me. Thank you so much.love!

[fishinghat]

Always Gail, always.

[TryinginFL]

I pray for you daily, Gail

 

You also remain on our Prayer List at Grace Lutheran

 

May God bless you, always

[invalidusername]

...and also from me. You are there every morning in my prayers Gailage. Never forgotten whether you are here on the forum or not...

 

Much lovage my sweet.

[fishinghat]

Liz, Lutheran huh? My grandfather was a Lutheran minister in Wisconsin back around 1900.

[invalidusername]

Hey man....

 

I already need my bed!! I am half beginning to realise what you must have felt with the alarm clock. Not fully as I can just about move, but could have stayed in the bath all evening. I know how difficult it must be to wake in the dark. Our bodies just aren't used to it and it will put your system right off kilter. It won't understand. Just think of all those people in Alaska and places where they have days of 1 hour of sun. They all go around wearing those sun cap things to stop them getting depressed! There has been some talk on the sun lamps here somewhere recently - but there has been so much activity that I cannot remember...

 

And man... you shave every day?! You are doing better than me! LOL. I must be a right scruffy bastard! 

 

So was it the stress of having your routine shaken than caused everything? And the anxiety? Tht can readily be attributed to the fatigue I guess. My anxiety is all tied into these damn headaches at the moment. They remind me that I am ill and that I should be resting, but I don't always have the time. I would have given anything to have just one more hour to myself during the day. 

 

Very impressive that you got yourself out for a walk again given all the above. You must really be using those tools well to have braved it like that. The difference is that you don't have to go out, and you do it anyway. This is so big. The willpower, the strength. Never lose sight of this man. I know I go out almost every day for hours, but I need to do this. I have responsibilities getting me out the door. Sure it is difficult, but I don't really have a choice. You do. And you decide to keep moving. I'm not being nasty, but this is what really gets me about the mrs. She can be indoors for days at a time, and although she is not entirely well, she is far more able-bodied than you. I really want her to start taking a leaf out of your book. Even 10 minutes would be something. And I know once outside, she would probably make it longer, Then the next day would be easier, and within a few days it becomes routine. I know, I have been there during my first episode. I was half way through a Masters when it happened, and all the time I was doing that, all was fine. But when I finished at the end of the year, I had nothing to do! I stayed in bed, maybe made a few phone calls looking for work, but before long I was indoors every hour, every day. That was a hard mold to break... 

 

So my story of fatigue... I got up early for my therapist and ran out without my bag. Didn't got back for it as it is usually just a comfort thing. Is it odd that I do not like walking out in public without my bag? Anyway, I got to the parking area and it was full!! There are usually loads of space. No idea what was going on. I turned a few corners.. still no space. I must have gone a good 1/2 mile before I found somewhere and then I had to run (yes, run!) to get to the building on time. I was in such a state when I got there as the therapist was waiting for me in the waiting area. I didn't have time to catch my breath or anything. I was staving off the anxiety as we went to the therapy room and when I got there I really needed to calm. It's OK I thought, I can take a half valium and it will be OK... where my bag?! Nooo! I left my bag at home with the Valium!! So then I really started to get anxious... but... no panic. I just didn't let it happen. I thought to myself, in just over an hour I will be back in my car and on my way home and will have rest... just keep it together.

 

So I did - and got home and rested for a while. But then it was out again at 3 and not home until 9... so over 7 hours today... with my headaches on and off. I am so exhausted. Had a bath and now catching up on the forum, but I need to stop. I am really wired, but my body can't take it!

 

My therapist gave me some really useful info that I need to PM you about - but will be tomorrow now. Remind me if I forget!

 

Right time to relax... hear from you soon...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[TryinginFL]

I remember you telling me that years ago, FH..

 

Did he not travel in a one-horse buggy twice a week to different towns to hold services?  Also, if I am correct you inherited his communion chalice and wafer platter, yes?  What a blessed inheritance!

[LDN]

Gail - firstly I must say a HUGE BRAVO for going a getting your lung done!! That is an amazing achievement!!! 

 

Very very proud of you!! 

 

Gail from the outside you are something so special - an amazing person! Look at how much we love you here! 

 

You inspire me everyday and I mean that - everyday I think of your bravery and strength and it helps me cope with my struggles! 

 

I see Jesus in you my love and I mean that will all my heart! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Sending LOVE to you!! 

 

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!!!!! 

 

I love you so much!!!

[LDN]

Hey man, firstly 7 hours!!! With all the headaches and everything else going on!! I honestly find it beyond belief someone could be so brave!!! Seriously mind blowing! All I can say is thank you for the inspiration! Very much in awe of you brother! You are just so courageous and deep in your soul is just so much strength!! Every time I read you I'm like WOW! It is hard to really put into words, but you are a very special person man!! 

 

Also all that stress with the parking and then not having your valium and you still came through it!! I feel felt the stress just reading that!! That is a great achievement brother and happy to hear it was a good session!! From the outside your are progressing so well right now!! Also I think you are playing down how strong you are my brother, a lot of people can't work because of depression, so to be putting in the hours you are is insane! Plus i didn't go on these walks for years, literally! I only started in about April 2019, and I have been ill since 2011!!! I had a mental blockage and thankfully I finally overcame it. 

 

Today my therapist threw a real curve ball!! I was in session telling about waking up in the dark, feeling so depressed, feeling so weak, feeling isolated, feeling 'down the rabbit hole'. So she said lets get outside and get some sun and get you connecting with the world. We walked to Victoria station and through it and then through a new area of restaurants and flats and then to outside Westminster Cathedral and then back through Victoria station and back. 35 minutes of walking, with no break!! Man I collapsed back in the chair when I got back let me tell you!! I had basically no anxiety, because it was so spontaneous. But the last bit of the walk was tough, i was blowing. Anyway feel much better today, so think my therapist is onto something in terms of making the most of my limited energy and being proactive. I have had a lot of time resting and so it seems time to mix it up a little. Obviously having done such a walk has greatly helped my confidence. 

 

Last night after I posted, the confusion turned to awful depression, it was tough last night. So it was doubly nice today to come through that. Shows how quickly things can change, as I always say!! LOL! 

 

Plus when I got back I fancied a bit of garden meditation so did 10 minutes, so 45 minutes out in fresh air today!! Mental considering how I have been feeling and how much I have been sleeping!! Things change so quickly, as I said!! 

 

Also I know you are a cat person but I saw a greyhound on the way home and I must say it looked amazing in the flesh. They are one of the oldest breeds of dog and I think go back to Ancient Egypt! You can see them on ancient drawings I believe. 

 

My brother off to Lisbon tomorrow for a long weekend, wouldn't mind joining him LOL!!! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless!

[fishinghat]

Right you are Liz. You have a better memory than I do. lol

[gail]

Thank you for all prayers said for my condition, this morning I woke up different, no depression. Let's just hope that it stAys like this for a long time. Thank you so much. Love and lovage.

[invalidusername]

Thank you for all prayers said for my condition, this morning I woke up different, no depression. Let's just hope that it stAys like this for a long time. Thank you so much. Love and lovage.

 

How wonderful! So happy to hear this news from you. I told you He would get round to you soon! He never forgets!!

 

Love love lovage!

[Lovey]

Hi friends, its me hrk. I had a very busy day and did very well. I am having trouble tracking my posts and responses. I can't remember which thread I wrote in. Just here to say you are all being thought of and prayed for. I need you all.

[invalidusername]

I am having trouble tracking my posts and responses. I can't remember which thread I wrote in.

 

If you find a way around this can you let Hat and myself know please.

 

We both suffer from forumitis - a common complaint among frequent thread posters 

[invalidusername]

Hey man....

 

Wow are we getting a popular thread here!! I tell you the forum has got so busy over the last few days, it is hard to keep up with it all. But I am doing all I can, but as Hrk said above, it is hard to remember where and when I posted! I worry to leave anyone out!

 

I couldn't believe what I read about your therapy session - not so much the exposure, but the amount of time your were out for. This is remarkable. How did this happen?! It absolutely isn't in your head - that I am sure of. I know if you could, you would walk more, but you obviously had the encouragement from the p-doc to do that extra but more, but I bet you were so shattered by the time you got home. This is an amazing achievement for you - big brotherly hug for me! Wow I am proud of you! Just go easy from here though. Bask in that victory for a bit and let the good thoughts in.

 

Wonder where the depression came from though. An odd thing - unless it is a purely biological thing as you have said before. Anything is possible. Also great about the garden meditation. I know how important this is to you. I would like to think that your reply today will be one telling me you felt better as a result of yesterday. Just keep your eye on the progress.

 

My day wasn't too bad. Woke up to a nasty headache but it disappeared within about an hour. Only 5 hours out today... I say 5 hours, but that was a lot for me a few weeks ago! Now it seems like nothing at all! But I do need the rest. When I dragged myself out this morning I really felt like I needed a rest, but I took it easy today and intend to do so tomorrow so I am getting to grips with what I can and cannot do. Managed 4 clients and a medium-sized food shop. I just need to make sure I can keep tabs on Christmas spendage. There is the inevitable presents, then the food shopping and rest and utilities. Quite a difficult time of the year for the self-employed as no-one likes spending money this time of year, so I have to be really careful. Only been self-employed for 20 years, you'd think I would have got used to it by now!

 

I've been thinking a lot about my therapist today. She is nothing short of amazing. The more I thought about what she said yesterday, the more and more it makes sense. She gave me another post-it note again! I will write this all in a PM - but again probably tomorrow as I am still in need of rest. But I cannot tell you how happy I am to finally have her to guide me through life. And i know she is genuine... before we started, she apologised in saying she had to get a glass of water as her throat was not good. She went through the whole session and didn't take one sip. Not one. I could see how concentrated she was on me - so much so that she forgot about her throat. I bought it up in the lift on the way back down to the entrance, and she said she only just noticed her throat when I mentioned it. I told her to make sure she takes a good sip before her next client!! I feel so much calmer with her, and given how much you have been through with your own, I can imagine what I would be like if my therapist suddenly had to disappear for 6 months! Sorry to bring it up, but this was supposed to come out as empathy!!

 

Right. Enough writing as funnily enough my forearms are hurting now! More stuff we are sharing! So much written into our combined lives together before we left Home. I wonder what you were thinking when you were looking at my life for the 14 years before you came down to join me. Kind of you to let me "go first"

 

Love you so much brother and so glad to have you here with me on this earthly voyage...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey Hrk! My prayers are with you!! Thank you for your kind words! We are with you!

 

God Bless!

[LDN]

Gail that is so wonderful to hear!

 

JOY IS COMING! 

 

I love you my hero!

[LDN]

Hey man! I would say I am feeling the effects today of yesterday, but then I am tired everyday at the moment! Since I am feeling so tired whether I do stuff or not, I might as well do stuff. My rest wasn't exactly making me get stronger! My therapist just really wanted me to get out of the bubble of my house, which was a good idea. To be fair I wasn't too surprised as I have walked longer than that before I had my dip so I know my body can do it, it's just more I have been extra extra cautious since my dip and my therapist thought I should be bolder. 

 

My head is all over the shop tonight. Struggling to string a sentence here brother LOL!!! 

 

Got a bit of daylight today, by that i mean about 30 minutes, but it still makes a difference. My therapist mentioned about a sun lamp, so I will look into that. She told me a patient of hers had found it really helpful! 

 

The thing is when you do an exposure like that it is so frustrating because I had no anxiety, so I could have carried on for much longer but body just can't go on. So I get a taste of it and then it is like 'enough for today'. It shows I have it in me to do stuff, but my body is simply holding me back. Before I could say to myself well even if my body got better, I wouldn't be able to enjoy and do stuff because of the anxiety. But now I feel confident dealing with anxiety, I feel so trapped in this shell. Rather than buzzing about the exposure I feel like 'imagine what things would be like if your body worked!!'. Saying that 3 years ago I didn't leave the house for a good few months and could barely brush my teeth and walk up the stairs. So I have come a long way since 3 years ago. It is massively slow recovery, but that is what my doctor has told me to expect. I have to trust the plan and be curious of what it has in store for me! Wouldn't have believed it if somehow told me a few years ago I would come on a forum and make friends!! So I am genuinely curious for what is to come! 

 

So happy you are so pleased with your therapist. It is so hard to find the right fit, so it is wonderful we have both found such good ones! So happy for you and I know exactly that feeling you describe! My therapist is like a good friend, when we go on the walks it isn't awkward at all. So happy your finally getting the care you deserve. Therapist do really care - when mine started crying I realised just how much she was invested in my progress and it was very humbling. Good therapist it is a calling - they were born to help. 

 

A big congrats for the 5 hours out!!! So happy you can see that a while ago that would have been a lot for you and now it doesn't - that just shows the speed of your progress!! But as you mention remember to keep that self compassion and keep things steady! 

 

Ah man your arms hurting! Sorry you had to go through that, but we seem to share everything at the moment!! 

 

Yeah I let you go first out of good manners LOL! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless!

[gail]

London, your exposure with your therapist is that you were in confidence with her me that got you out of your head. Not the same thought Scat, I know.

Scrat. I am so happy for you that you found a good therapist. A tough ride, but as you said, God said it was your turn, thank you GOD FOR Scrat. Same as London, two that have been served.

Whose turn now? I woke up differently than yesterday, but most morning are tougher.

Can anyone tell me why I cry so much in the morning? A pointer? Thank you,love,lovage.

[invalidusername]

Gailage... mornings are always my enemy too. I never know what to expect some days as you know. I have been doing really well, but today has thrown me back in it. There are reasons, so I know why it is, but it doesn't help too much. I just have to tough it out. I have been in the same mindset before and I know it will pass, but it does keep returning and this is where I understand you my sweet.

 

Serotonin and cortisol are funny chemicals where they only need to be out of balance a little and it can make everything go wrong - and it is the morning when they are most likely to do this. 

 

My prayers for us all continue.

 

Lovage

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

So you have been advised to be bolder with your walking? Is that meaning you should be trying to do a little more eah day, or try something different? I don't like to point the obvious, but there are only so many routes one can do within a few minutes!! But how would it effect you if you were to say move your walking or meditation time to something else? Clearly the morning ablutions and eating times need to be set in stone, but is she suggested that something different is tried along these lines?

 

Your head sounded like mine was this morning when I woke. You will see from the PM I sent shortly after I woke that although I had a good sleep (9 hours!), it was a very disturbing sleep. But the good news is that once I was outside and working, speaking with other people, I felt so much better. It was one of those things whereby I needed to take my attention away from it. It is sort of like watching a horror movie. You don't want to watch it, but somehow you have to - the same with the thoughts. There were SO strong today. 

 

I would be very interested to hear about the sun lamp. It is all about getting the light to hit the back of your retinas so it can be converted into whatever it is. I do know, but it has been a long week and I can't think straight. You can buy these caps which you wear that shine the light in your eyes - not directly obviously, but it is meant to work well. Lights have got mixed reviews though. I suppose the only way either of us are going to know is by trying it out for ourselves. They are cheap enough to try - the same as my TENS machine experiment. Which reminds me, I have finally got the ear clips, so I need to read more about the method of the experiment and try something out...

 

From what you are saying about your body holding you back, I think this is wonderful if you can see that this is the way things are going. It will only be a matter of time. This is really good to know - kind of like waiting for Christmas!! You know it is coming, but it will all be worth the wait when it does arrive!!

 

So I did have a couple of hours rest before I went out to work today, but today was 6 hours straight which included 4 clients and about an hour on the car too!! I was very careful with my neck this time though given what happened last time. But I am so exhausted. My body is just about keeping going. It does not ache, but it is such an effort to do typing or anything. Eye lids are very heavy. You know it well... Sort of nice that I am sleeping longer as I obviously need it, but again, missing out on the light takes its toll. I can feel a very passive mood instability looming in the background, but nothing I can't reason with. 

 

Wonderful to see so many posts from Gailage today - absolutely incredible. There was one after another in my inbox earlier this afternoon. I was amazed. Bless her for keeping up with it all after what she has been though. An amazing soul as I know you agree. She really inspired me today, as well as yourself with that exposure. I know you said it was more about the time, but I couldn't help think about all the people, smells, noise and everything that is so far removed from your borough of the east end. Go my wonderful musketeers!!

 

Oh, and not sure if you can call it an exposure, but I had a bit of a shock earlier... I was so tired (as you already know) and I was cutting some lovely Wheaten bread for lunch and it is pretty tough stuff and dense so need a decent bread knife. Didn't realise that I was holding the other side right in the line of the cutting action. I went clean into the forefinger of my left hand. I am not quite sure how deep the cut went, but the blood was coming out in drops with my pulse. My heart was pumping it out of my body!! A while back I would have freaked right out on the spot. I got a plaster and it just soaked that right away, so I then got some toilet roll - wrapped a load around the finger and then some packing tape round and round as some sort of tourniquet!! Scary for a while, but I'm OK!!

 

On that lovely note - time to rest! Can't wait to hear how you got on today...

 

So much love brother...

 

God Bless