2348 replies to this topic

[fishinghat]

IUN - "unless the device has some means of measuring the activity at the time and can somehow "know" when and whe(re) to stimulate the nerve...."

Boy you hit the nail on the head there.

LDN - The most effective thing I have found is Milk of Magnesia, (Magnesium hydroxide). The ground will shake and the earth move but so will something else. Start with small doses as it can cause some cramping if you get too carried away.

A hearty well wishes to you and yours as well.

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

So, back to the forum today! I am really sorry to hear that the last few days have not been going so well. Exposure was a good start, but then the low mood afterwards? I mean, where does it come from?! I have had feelings like this before - typically after an exposure when you should be feeling much better, yet there is nothing, and it is this feeling which only worsens the overall feeling and sets you back. I know 2 weeks is going to seem like a long time, but given the length of the exposure, it really isn't. If you remember, I had my discharge rubbish from the mental health team and then the big party. That set me back for a couple of weeks, and what you had to go through was a fair bit more. Not that I am saying you will be this way for a bit longer, I am just saying to look at it proportionally - with respect to the severity of the exposure involved. It is this time that we suffer as a result to the reaction to the exposures that we want to eliminate. Well, if we could do that, then none of us would be anxious or depressed!! 

 

Don't be too harsh on yourself for coming across as vibrant. This is one of the things we do. We adapt to the moment. I do it every day with my clients - most of them would have no idea that I have suffered from PTSD for the last 2 years. I just don't let them see. If I am feeling THAT bad, I will say that I had some bad news, or I have a headache or something and they'll never know. It is lying to myself as you say, but this is how I have to deal with it. I am not sure how some clients would deal with the information. As much as I would like to think they would be compassionate about it, you just don't know how some would react. They might not like being around someone like that, so it is better all round that they do not know. Some I have chosen to tell, those that I know would be fine about it - and most of those have suffered from mental illness themselves. In fact, I have 2 clients who are themselves depressed and 3 who are bipolar would you believe!! So when I see them, things are very comfortable. But it wouldn't be nearly as comfortable for people to know if they haven't "been there and done that". Not the same. I am sure you will agree.

 

Again, don't torment yourself too much about these social interactions. Don't forget that you still SEE plenty of people, albeit not on a social footing, but the exposure is fairly similar. So you are doing well. Just being around people is a big thing. Not always engaging with them. I actually find it much easier to engage that just be around people. I get quite uncomfortable. 

 

It is nuts how the typing can hurt your arms so much. Makes me feel bad that you are writing these journal essays for the forum! And what you say about cabin fever and at the same time needing to rest is EXACTLY where I am a lot of the time. Not quite as bad as you, but when energy levels go, then you need to rest, but I just can't. I need to do something. 

 

Speaking of which, my something for today was going to be difficult as I couldn't see anything that might help. So I left 20 minutes early for first client and I went to walked to the therapy place again - the route I need to take. I then stayed there for 5 minutes before heading back to the car. I just watched the people go about their everyday stuff. Felt a bit uncomfortable, but nothing I couldn't deal with. Probably helped knowing that I could just up and leave when I wanted, and that it was at a time when I chose. The therapy session itself is... wait for it.. early morning again. Not a lot I can do about it, but I am going to suffer for 10-12 weeks now. I know it is for the best, but I really did not want this. I will speak to my therapist on the first session and ask if there is anyone that might be able to swap their time on that day. Even an hour or two would make a massive difference. Not just in the sleep I will be getting, but the mood that will have stabalised by that time. If I just jump out of bed and get straight on with something, I feel bloody awful. Will have to see what can be done...

 

Right. Rest time again. I do hope that you have been able to find some better times today man. And if you need a break with the arms, then do it. Don't worry. I don't want to cause you any more pain!!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man such bad exhaustion here unfortunately! My arms are hurting so much and it is really getting me down the pain. I normally don't have a problem typing but I am just so weak right now I have no idea what is happening! I feel so so limited by this body. It is just holds me back so much! I have a brain full of ideas but I can't write them out because of the pain!!! I do check the word count of my posts and can see they are a bit down. 

 

Anxiety is fine, but just lingering depression and this horrible weakness and fatigue! I have never had this pain in my arms before so i have no idea what is going on! So frustrating when I have all these ideas I want to talk about!!! I hope tomorrow night I have more energy. 

 

I am really getting so down about my weakness. I feel I am being held back so much with this body. And I am making so little progress. I was tried so many different treatments and here I still am! Every single day I spend so much time doing all my treatments and that is simply to keep me at this very very low baseline! It's almost not the worth the effort of all the stretches and sauna etc but without I would be in bed all day. My dad tells me I have 'full time job' with all my treatments everyday!! Then I have all these appointments to go to again simply to maintain this low baseline of energy!

 

I really appreciate the kindness of my doctors but at the same time by far the biggest thing that has helped is the meditation/mindfulness and I found that! I must repeat all my doctors as humans are really lovely people but in terms of results here I am still so fatigued! But there are many other people like me with Chronic fatigue, ME, Lyme who are in the same boat or worse. 

 

Anyway it is what it is - I'm only on earth for learning and to spread love, I'm not here for selfish reasons! If I was selfish I would never have agreed to to this LOL!! So I have to trust God's plan, and the bigger spiritual picture! I have a job here, I am not exactly sure what but I know I am here for a reason and there is a plan and I must let it play out! If this is what God wants then I accept. No earthly pleasure can match the joy of God that awaits. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. 

 

I think you just caught me at a really bad time today because of my frustration at feeling so weak and in pain at the start of the post. So i apologise my brother! It's just I have been resting for a week now and I feel like I am getting more tired!! Also I forgot to tell you my stomach pains have been pretty bad the last two nights. I don't mind that but it doesn't help. 

 

I think sometimes when you rest you get more tired initially, if that makes sense? When you are doing exposures, you are so turned on and up for it, your firing on all cylinders. But when people like you and me say lets rest, we get more fatigued and low and apathetic because we don't have that motivation. I know right now I MUST rest but in the process of resting I'm obviously not got any adrenaline going or anything like that so the mood and energy lowers. It's like when you do exposures and they go so much easier than you think, because we are up for it, but then when we have rest it's unenjoyable because we have switched ourselves off. I often experience a good exposure and then a few bad days of resting, that is quite a common occurrence and I think this is what is happening now on just a much bigger scale. I did a whole load of exposures for months and now it is my first proper full on rest. You obviously have that sort of high of all these exposures and then the flatness of just doing basically nothing when for months I had stuff on just non stop. So I can understand the flatness, that makes a lot of sense. But the fatigue getting worse is a bit weird but I suppose all this sleep I am having is maybe lulling me into a very sedative state. I'm getting near 12 hours a day right now and that is a lot and that my body maybe has just got stuck in this very slow rhythm, so when I try and turn myself on like in the evening for this post it's much harder than usual. Does that makes sense? Basically I'm more rusty because I have so sedentary for these last few weeks. 

 

Again apologies for all that - thinking out loud!!! 

 

Man so impressed about you going back to the therapy building! Sensational! Really proud of you brother!! So happy and excited you are keeping up such positive work! I do feel back for being so ranty when you are being so inspirational I must be honest. But it is just so nice to read for me! 

 

Ah man that is annoying about the morning but I reckon if you see if someone can swap that might work out, since most people don't have the issue we have with mornings. My therapist sometimes moves things around. So I would say for you to see what they say in the first session and go from there. 

 

Also I think that is really nice you our so close to some of your clients that you know about their mental health, that must be really cool to physically know people who are going through issues similar to what we go through. I definitely agree with you it is one of those things were people who have experienced it personally makes a huge difference! 

 

Ironically my arms aren't as bad as at the start now, which backs up that my system needs some oiling and is maybe a bit rusty from all that sleep! Thanks for putting up with me today! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God bless! 

[LDN]

Fishinghat thanks so much for that suggestion, will have a look into that! I think things will get a bit bumpy the next few weeks LOL!! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Evening man...

 

Very strange that your arm pain released itself whilst you were writing your message... maybe it was the therapy of writing it all done that helps? Strange, but perfectly true. I really do feel for you going through all the weakness of your body and the frustration must be so much sometimes. I know it isn't quite the same, but when I came off the Duloxetine, I had several weeks of adrenal misfunction and I could barely walk more than a few yards. I had such difficulty getting back up the stairs to the flat. It was so scary and debilitating. So if it is anything like that, my goodness brother, it must be horrible. My prayers will be with you of course.

 

So how are you as of this evening and the rest of today? Any improvement, or any clues as to what it might be?

 

Now I must intervene as you said "I am making so little progress". I can see that you might think that because of everything that has happened, but remember the teachings of the Buddha. A man is not commended on his progress, but on his effort. Just stop and let that sink in. You know it is true. YOU are making SO much effort man. Sure the progress might not be where you want it right now, but that is not what counts. You can also be absolutely right in saying it is right for God's will, which I do not deny, and I also agree that you would have gone along with this before your trip this time. Maybe this is one of the goals... to focus on your efforts... and how well you achieve through that rather than the progress. It can be tough to maintain the effort without the progress, but if we can tune ourselves into seeing the positive in the effort alone, this can go a long way.

 

However that said, need I remind you of the progress that you have made!! Wasn't it you who mentioned only going out the front door when we met - the tube, the trip to the country, talking with the family you haven't seen in years, hospital exposures... we could go on. There are positives here man. You need to take off those negative-tinted glasses you are looking through! But again, yes, that is easier said than done, but I am being the proverbial positive one to your depression. I am trying to be the one who can fight for you from a distance...

 

What you say about the resting makes perfect sense. You do get more from the exposures, but the fatigue catches you up. It is all about learning the balance, which I never seem to be able to! The problem is... the exposures can come along, with all the stress associated, and you have no choice but to overdo it. This is what happened to you man. You had too much all at once and it just rocked your boat over. It is not your fault at all. You did what you had to. Above and beyond the call of duty. As I said before, a lot of people would have jacked it in, re-arranged the appointments despite the required efforts. It is bad timing. But the efforts are all there and they will pay off. Maybe not this week, maybe not next, but they will, both here and in the world beyond.

 

Just to quickly fill you in on my progress. I had my therapy today!! Yes, so it was an early morning. Got up, had a quick bit of breakfast and out I went with half a valium. I got there at 5 minutes before, and the therapist came and got me at 4 minutes past, so I did those 9 minutes just fine. Granted I was using my phone to distract, but I did it. 

 

As soon as I saw her, my mood lifted so much. Any moments of anxiety were all gone. I felt safe, secure and even excited! I was fine! She was probably thinking, why does he still need therapy!! But we had the allotted 50 minutes and I filled her in on all the rubbish that has gone on for the last year since we last met. She had some insights relating to the wife and self-compassion which she said will be the core of the work. That didn't surprise me at all. I am so pleased that it has started. I walked out of the building, taking in the morning sun and fresh air and really feeling good. Not valium, not my special K, nothing like that, it was just life was feeling good. Man I have missed that feeling...

 

Anyway. I am again needing to climb down from the ceiling and calm myself otherwise I won't sleep! I really hope your fatigue has eased a bit today and that what I have said will be in some way helpful...

 

Much much love my brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! So so happy about the therapist!! What a great message to hear!

 

I send you a PM and don't want to give you too much reading, plus I am knackered again tonight! I had therapy today as well! It went really well, but straight after I got hit by some really horrible depression for the rest of the day! It has been tough one so just going to do some reading then crash out. It is a really tough time right now but your words helped a lot and I have just be present and trust in God's Plan! 

 

In terms of progress physically this year hasn't been great but as you say in terms of social anxiety exposures it has been the best year since I got ill in 2011!! No doubt about that! However bad the rest of year is , I'm not saying it will, but however bad it is, this year has still been huge for me. On an exposure, social anxiety and anxiety in general level is has been fantastic for sure! Know I must let things be and trust in God's plan - I surrender myself and let what happens happens. I am working hard as you say and putting in the effort, and that is what matters. Not the result. The results will come inevitably if you put in the work! I am having a blip but that is life. This is a good test for me right now! Still today wasn't pretty depression wise man LOL!!! Feeling much more lighter tonight though, which is a relief! 

 

Thanks again for those wonderful words and catch up more tomorrow brother!! Again so so pleased for you!!! 

 

Love you so much! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

So, following the PM, I will update a bit further here. Thanks for your words regarding the therapist and having read them several times, I completely agree with you... I need to give it more time. I think this could be a "first session" syndrome. Not forgetting that she supported me during the stages of the court, so there was a lot of empathy there which I was truly grateful for. 

 

Today has been OK... not quite as good as yesterday and a bit flat emotionally, but fine otherwise. Nothing that wouldn't happen to any other Janet or John waking up to an overcast day and wanting to stay in bed. So I accept it purely on that basis that it is normal. Not every day is going to have me bouncing around everywhere! 

 

I am sorry to read about your depression following the therapy. What do you think caused the turn? Possibly that you were, like me, in a place of comfort and calm, which did a Jeckal and Hyde on you when you left causing the flood of negative emotions? I have experienced that so many times. You just want to hold on to the positive that the slightest downturn, which can be the smallest thought, and you have hitched a ride on that spiral we know only too well. This is what repeatedly scares me, and I spoke of during my therapy yesterday. It is the control and self compassion at the heart of it, I know, but I need guidance. We have been in this state for such a time that we have forgotten how it is meant to work. This is not our fault, it is how out system has adapted to the environments and situations - you for sure more so than me... which is why I went off on one when you mentioned the lack of progress!! LOL.

 

Anyway - let me know how you got on today. There isn't much more from me this end. As I say, normal day... and my thing for today was helping my parents clear out the garage! I am carrying on!! I might take some time out over the weekend, as the last thing I Want to do is hit a burnout...

 

Much love and light brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man definitely agree re burnout, have some time off and take stock of the amazing progress you have made. Just give yourself some time to take it all in and your brain adapt to the changes. I would hate to see you in my state, so go steady! 

 

I am struggling with being severely run down at the moment. Again tonight HUGE weakness. I guess all I can do is rest - what else can you do in severe burnout? I had over 9 hours of deep sleep and then still could barely get out of bed. I can only think this severe fatigue right now is burnout, not sure what else it could be? I had a crash like this 2 years ago as I mentioned so this seems the likely scenario. With ME you crash if you do push yourself, my ME doctor always says do 50% of what you are capable of no more! Not what happened with 2 visits to hospital in 3 days!! 

 

My depression yesterday I honestly don't think was triggered by anything. My thoughts were stable and I had a great session of therapy. But I think it was just my brain chemistry having a bad day. I was meditating when I got back from the therapist, I could really almost feel my brain sending the signals to my nervous system that was making me feel so bad. Really was visualising the process. I was able to separate myself from losing my self in it and observe it as biology. It helped a lot, so it shows meditation can help depression as well as anxiety, which is what I use it more for!

 

My body was in a lot of pain yesterday and again tonight - all my muscles are aching. So I really sorry brother but I'm struggling here physically. I have to get up early for osteopath as well. I'm so sorry for this and being not myself and being short. Really sorry man! 

 

Also again your post yesterday was sensational! Where did you read the stuff on the Buddha taking about effort vs results? I hadn't read that before. Was it in the Thich Nhat Hanh book you read? I have been thinking about it all day! 

 

My mum was asking after you tonight and was so pleased when I told her how well you have been doing!! 

 

Well done for the garage and did you see your cat?? 

 

Again so sorry for not being myself here!! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

First up - please pass my regards onto your dad - I hope he is not too bored being in bed all day! Worried that he should be out there doing his work... this is exactly what I feel like. I just do not know how to rest. And like you have said over the last few days, you know you need to rest... but you have so much difficulty. I think you have to be in the right frame of mind to rest. 

 

The problem is that I often have too much time after I wake before work and I find that the most difficult time. It is no good me starting work earlier because I simply cannot. But at the same time, I feel I should. It is usually around 3 hours or so... or 4 if I wake up earlier, but it is really difficult to fill those 3 hours when all my motivation is nowhere to be found when I wake up. Rest of the day has been fine for a while now. I guess I just need to be patient and like you say, give myself time to reflect on this good patch. And you are absolutely right. I need to concentrate on that and stop pushing myself or I will burn out for sure... It has happened many a time before and I need to be careful.

 

Living IS a triumph for you man... so right! You take those words from the profs who said about the state of your depression - and you came through that - and with all the love you so freely give. Your words were so encouraging this morning, and I often don't want your messages to end! So, I will end up re-reading a few times. It is a really good way for me to wake up, and it is the first thing I do. I wake up, roll over, open the laptop and get your message! I ignore all the other email as I don't like to deal with that first thing. I need something good to start the day.

 

A real shame about this weakness continuing. I guess this is the way that your system copes with the burnout. I just get ridiculously tired during burnout. Not weak per se, just so fatigued. Either way, I'm am confined to the bed. So when you say that you can barely get out of bed, I really do understand. So as you also mentioned the fatigue, I am pretty sure that is what it must be. Like I said before, it can turnaround and get you even days after the exposure. Your body carries on until it has burned up all the reserves of adrenaline that you have pumping around for the exposure, and when that has exhausted, then it will hit. But it can be right after the exposure, or 2-3 days after in my experience. I am sure it will start to fade soon, if it hasn't already started a bit today.

 

Regarding the muscle aches, I can but empathise. I am wondering whether the TENS machine would help you. Have you ever tried anything like that before? Obviously I cannot say much as I am still experimenting, but I want to try if for pain as and when it occurs so I will let you know what I find out. So the vagus nerve book was more or less a recap of stuff you are already doing?

 

So nice that you mum was asking after me. And I did see the cat yesterday, and again today. I have told him about you and how much you would like to meet him! He is the perfect animal lover detector. Most people that come into the house he will run straight upstairs, but select few, he goes straight for them. Like this evening, we had a friend round at my parents and he goes straight for her. She is a charitable organiser for a wildlife park and sees all the rescue animals every day. 

[invalidusername]

Having trouble posting again.. Having the "saving post..." error, so having to paste bit by bit...!

 

The Buddha stuff would have been from either Kabat-Zinn or Hanh. I can't remember, but I have been reading both and I can't remember!

 

Time to rest now. Couple more responses on the site first, but then I need to wind down and appreciate the week and let myself recover. Only my weekend friend going on tomorrow, but I really hope the weather improves. Even if I am inside most of the day, it has such an impact as the view from the flat opens to a view of lots of sky, so if the sky is dull, it tends to have a similar effect on me... We'll see... but will try and stay positive all the same! Whatever happens happens like you say!

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man thanks for such a lovely message! I will have to be short again, I'm so sorry but I am just too weak. Really really sorry. This morning I had something very weird. I had a dream that I was in an airport and I wasn't anxious but I could cope because of the fatigue. As I told you before in my dreams I often have the fatigue still! Then I woke up but couldn't move! The exhaustion I had felt in the dream had carried over into my waking state! This happened once before as you might remember, with pains in my legs after a dream of running! Anyway my alarm on the floor was going off and I had to get up for the osteopath but I couldn't move. I was semi paralysed. My got home expecting me to be ready to go and I was still in bed - this has never happened before!! She came up to my room and turned my alarm off and I could get out of bed with her help! This pseudo state of semi paralysis must have lasted 15 minutes or so! It shows the deep deep trauma my physical condition causes me! When I am conscious I can use my spiritual tools but in my dream state I panic at my body. But never had anything like today before! I knew I needed to get out of bed but just couldn't! Again this never happens! 

 

I had a nice time with the osteopath but obviously hugely tired. 

 

Delighted you could see your cat!! I forget to tell you that one of the neighbours who feeds our cat when we are away, the cat never lets her touch her, for all these years! Anyway my parents she said that for the 1st time the cat let her be touched by the neighbour recently!! So another development since the summer!! This is a cat who spend 6 months away from us when we moved in before coming inside and now she loves the humans! Shows the importance of love!! Maybe I should become a cat therapist LOL!! I miss her a lot!! 

 

I hope you have a nice time with your friend tomorrow! As I said now is about self compassion and the long term picture. Take in those great achievements and let your adjust to the changes. Be nice and gentle with yourself and if that means a bit of frustration so be it, the rest will be worth it! It would be nice to enjoy the rest, but ultimately that is not it's purpose it re charging our batteries. Also remember you can meditate whenever you want. Like that time at your client! In the mornings you could try some meditation, if feel drowsy you could meditate with your eyes open. Just fix your gaze straight forward and in a comfortable position. Keep your gaze fixed on the same spot. By keeping your eyes open you will have less chance to doze off. In the Tibetan tradition they keep their open when meditating and this is what I do sometimes. Obviously for garden meditation my eyes are open! Just have some empty mind time. Let the thoughts come and go and just observe. I find meditating so refreshing and re-energising! You could start your day off with a little stillness. The morning is often suggested for meditating as it sets the tone for the day! Just an idea for the mornings. Obviously we are all different. I have obviously a lot of experience of living at home for days on end LOL!! I think the big thing is embracing stillness that your home brings, embrace that space away from the world and turn it into at time for refreshment. If you can be at peace with that stillness and doing nothing just being present I think that can make a big difference. Remember anything you are mentally fearful of don't run away or it will make it worse! Embrace the mental fears as best you can! Then they will go! Not easy at all but if I can do it you can!!! If can overcome that fear of not doing anything, it be very liberating. As I say just some ideas and we are all different. 

 

Sorry for not being at my best again and being short. The book length posts will be back!! But I have to not push myself or in the long run I will regret it! Again so sorry man!! 

 

You are an inspiration my brother!! Truly!!

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

London, wishing you well! Write when you can and not before. Love you, Gail xx

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

You never need to apologise for being weak - this isn't your doing, and I feel so much for you. To be that far gone to not be able to get out of bed is a nightmare... however, this is a documented phenomenon - did you know? Sleep paralysis... is part of the parasomnia group of syndromes. More info here;

 

https://www.nhs.uk/c...leep-paralysis/

 

Does that sound like what you have? Read up on a lot when I was having my morning issues... If so, it should pass with the gradual alleviating of the the stress. I know if won't be of much comfort, but the last two night I have had the most horrific dreams. It is like someone has written down the worst things that could happen to me, and then they are played out in my dreams... seriously. Last night in my dream, someone ran into the front of my car and wrote it off, I got caught cheating on my wife (!) and my parents lost it with me over something I said and disowned me. All in one nights of dreaming. I woke up in such a state and although it isn't real, all the emotion is there and it is horrible. It really does sound like what you are going through but emotionally rather than physically. It is nuts how we seem to always be going through the same thing...

 

LOL. The wonders with the cat never cease!! Amazing that he will now appeal to the neighbours as well. You obviously gave him just what he needed to instill the human trust in him again. That takes some doing for a cat, so there must be a bond there man - and he will never forget it! In fantasy folklore it is like when a dragon "locks" to its partner, and they can communicate like no other person and there is perfect trust between them... You have locked to your cat man!!

 

After I got over the whole dream thing, the day was fine. I had a great time with my friends, and the cat spend half the time on my lap! Now covered in fluff! I am also looking after my landlady's cats while she is away for the weekend, so there are two furry companions mooching around spreading fluff. But it is lovely to have the company.

 

I do feel in a better place to rest today and I am doing just that. I have been doing some art whilst listening to some music this evening. I completely lost track of time, which is when I know things are going well. Still got a bit of a foggy head so I hope it is not the remedy giving up on me and the old stuff coming through. But I assume the homeopath can also up the dose if needed. I am closing in on a good month now, and I did say should that happen, I would try slowly coming off the citalopram. How amazing would that be!! But I do not think this side of Christmas, and in the middle of all these dark months that it is a good idea. We'll see. I deserve to at least enjoy myself a bit before putting my body through anything else...

 

Great that you are speaking overcoming the fear of not doing anything as this is also still with me. You will have much more of an idea on this than myself. The problem being that before I hit my relapse, I was a bit of a workaholic. I worked so many hours, and I am sure this is now catching up with me but I need my system to calm down and be patient. But it is so tough like you say. Another one to bring up in the therapy and of course, everything that I learn, I will impart to you as best I can.

 

On another note, did you see Hrk's post from earlier? She had the dreaded Ketamine treatment and it changed her life - in her own words. I know this is bitter sweet, but she also speaks of the weird sensations - maybe have a natter to see how your experience correlates... But it is great to see an example of it working. It would still scare the crap out of me. How you both did it I will never know!

 

Anyway - hope you are feeling a bit better today and that the pain and so forth is starting to abate - as I am sure that it will. A shame about the morning with that scare, but I am quite sure it will be this sleep paralysis, and in which case, it is all tied up with the pressures and stress - much like my seizures. But why my dreams have gone the same way when I am actually feeling the best I have felt in months, I do not know!! Brains are really complex and odd things man...!!

 

Love you so much brother... keep resting as much as you can

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL!!! 

 

Thank so much for those words!!! 

 

You are my inspiration Gail!!! 

 

Joy is coming!! YEAH! 

 

LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

[LDN]

Hey man! I just had a look at that thread - makes me think I wish I had continued it longer. But then at the same time I had pain downstairs that was caused by it and that was only after one, I didn't want to risk chronic pain in that part of my body!!! LOL!! But seriously chronic pain in that part of the body would be horrendous and having all those top ups would just constantly exaggerate it. Plus it made me very depressed as well and it was far away. Plus it is meant to work best for the type of depression that makes you low energy and motivation, whereas I have psychotic depression, and if you have any history of psychosis then psychedelics are very risky. But great it could help Hrk! Every treatment I have tried for just about anything has failed so I'm not really a good measurement LOL!!! Welcome to my shell LOL! The only things I can say for sure has helped me are CBT for my OCD, which saved my life and then meditation and mindfulness for anxiety and depression. So neither invasive!

 

Buzzing you had another good day! Must admit getting very jealous of all the mentions of cats!! LOL!! Delighted you have these cats around!! They will be giving you positive energy I'm sure!! Lovely to hear about the art and music! Losing track of time is such a nice phenomenon! It is a really positive sign that can happen! You are doing brilliantly man! But remember as I said before make sure you can get that rest in as well! Re charge your batteries! Sounds like at the moment that you have a nice balance!! Give your brain that space to take things in!! 

 

Sorry about the dreams man! That is one hell of a dream oh man!! I was in trauma just reading that!! Dreams are so weird, I've not come across anything that explains them. I mean it all just people opinion, no actual science behind it. At least you get nice dreams as well, like your granddad one! And the one with the screen in heaven! The good dreams make it worth it! What I had does sound like sleep paralysis, but it was slightly different in that it was directly linked to the content of the dream. I had pushed myself too much physically in the dream and I felt the effects when I woke up. Just like the time I was dreaming I was running and woke up in the middle of night with horrendous pain in my legs. My physical fatigue seems to stay in my dreams and so if I do too much exercise then I actually feel it physically. Pretty cool but also pretty scary that my physical condition can't even let me have some fun in my dreams!! I mean come on at least let me have some exercise in the dreams!! 

 

Today I woke up and it was already dark, which was bit depressing, but nothing serious then went back to bed again LOL! Done nothing else really, slept for about 12 1/2 hours, so that is good! Over half a day! Got up at about 5 30 pm LOL! 

 

I hope you can have a nice rest tomorrow! Sorry again for being weak! 

 

Love you brother so much! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

London, when you mention your body as a shell.

SHOULd WE open your shell, all pearls would be shinning in all colors

I would start to adore each one of them. Love you, London.!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother - I am back!! What a day!

 

I was out at 10am - on a quick bowl of cereal and 5 hours sleep - and got back home at 9pm. 11 hours non-stop of stuff! But as soon as I got home, the wife got me a bit of lunch and I read your email and relaxed me right away. I just didn't have time to stop when I woke, but I was thinking about coming home knowing I would really appreciate what you had to say... and especially the part about my grandad. I love being reminded of him. I even mentioned him today speaking to a customer who got sworn at by a work colleague - and never swearing (particularly in front of a woman) was one of the first things he taught me.

 

So you were right about the exposure. The car had to go to a garage 20 miles away, so I was on the phone first thing to organise, and get the parts needed. I collected the parts and then I had a call that the rescue was an hour away, so I had to get to my parent where I left the car and quickly fit everything back together. Then I had to follow the rescue truck to the garage - so following going into town to get parts, I then had another exposure of driving 20 miles away. I haven't done that in months! Then I had to help get the car to the workshop and explain to the mechanic. He didn't need a couple of the parts, so I went BACK into town to return them. Then I had two call-outs, then 4 of my regular clients, then another call-out, and then a shopping trip at Tesco. 11 hours start to finish just running off adrenaline, a bowl of cereal and a valium!!

 

You are right that this would never have happened had it not been for the bits I have been making myself do over the last few weeks. I just hope it doesn't cause anything of a burnout. I really need to take this all in now and rest. I will of course have to collect the car again, which will be another exposure, but I will be happy that I will be getting my car back! All these tools really do pay off. I remember standing in the garage workshop when the mechanic went off to answer the phone and all I wanted to do was get home. I was standing there for about 10 minutes getting anxious, annoyed etc, radio blasting, smells everywhere, but I just stopped and focused on this blue girder on the ceiling and started conscious breathing. It all counts...

 

And again, you are right - anyone doing this sort of stuff would be stressed, and to be honest I don't know if everyone could have done the 11 hour day. I seriously do not know how I got through it, but I am sure them upstairs helped, so I made sure to say a little prayer on the final leg home from Tesco! Bigger picture... YES! This is the human existence, and is temporary on our way back home, and it IS ok how I feel in these situations. This is one thing we all need to learn from. Whenever we have things like this happen, so frequently we hurt ourselves in telling us that we should be able to do better. I certainly know I need to learn from this.

 

So - back to your message from day before...

 

I can completely understand your situation regarding the Ketamine. In your circumstances I would have done exactly the same as you. Just the trip to Oxford was enough by itself without all the treatment and aftermath. I didn't realise that it was best suited for a particular type of depression though. But you are a good measurement man. You might have had some setbacks with regards to treatment, but it is because of these that there are more people pushing for stuff like Ketamine and so forth. Now that they have unleashed the pathway to these other drugs that were frowned upon because of their street "cred", just look at how much opportunity for relief has opened up. Of course I feel so sorry for you not having had the benefit yourself, but again, it is people like yourself who have tried all the solutions that keeps the research going...

 

Cats have gone back upstairs, just when I needed them the most, But one of my call outs today had a MASSIVE ginger tom. Not fat exactly, just HUGE. Like he had been given Steroid Felix since birth! Again, the client said that I would not get near him, but I took that as a challenge, and within 20 minutes, I had him fussing round my hand!!

 

I understand what you say about the sleep paralysis. It is not the same when the parts of your dreams follow through into your waking life. Maybe what we have is a brand new parasomnia?! Maybe we need to get in touch with someone? But what would that achieve? Getting fed a load more drugs I expect!! Noooo thank you!! LOL

 

Anyway, bit of a long post here, but lots to say and catch up on. Hope you managed to wake up to a bit of light today, and hope I can follow in your footsteps with 12 1/2 hours sleep tomorrow!!!

 

Much much love my dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL! 

 

OH WOW THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!! I had never thought of that!!! 

 

Yes inside of our shells is all sorts of pearls!! We all have pearls inside us!!! So beautiful! 

 

You must have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PEARLS!!! 

 

What a lovely thought!! I love your imagination!! 

 

I love you so much Gail!!!

[LDN]

Hey man! OH MY WORD!! Out of words here right now!!! You did AMAZING today!!! That is INSANE!!! WOW!!! I must say the blew me away reading that!! I mean I not surprised because I know how have bravery on another level but still reading that I just felt such immense pride! That is right up there amongst the exposures you have done since I have known you!! 11 hours non stop!! And then you can write me that a long post on top!!! Absolutely sensational! And feels an understatement to be honest!! 

 

So did they give you a replacement car? How did you get to your parents where the car was? Man I am exhausted just reading that!!! 

 

Yeah man after that you need really take it easy for the rest of the week as much as possible and give your brain time to let it all sink in. Let it sink in what an insane exposure you did!! Show some self compassion and self care and rest up. But the fact is you got through such a tough day better than most people who aren't ill!!! Take that in for a minute!!! No one can take what you achieved today away from you!! This shows what you are capable of!! It won't be a straight line, there will bumps to come remember that, but this is a sign of what is to come for. Your future!!! Man this is hugely exciting!! A massive day for you!! It shows YOU CAN cope with 11 hours out!! And going 20 miles away! And as I say better than most who don't have mental health or ill!!! If I could drink i would be toasting you with a glass of champagne for your awesome achievements!! I was pretty calm when I read your message last night because as I told you before I have a very good feeling for you brother!! I can feel things are looking very very good for you and you keep on proving me right!! Also I know how courageous you are! Your depression might stop you seeing this but I can from outside and you are in a different league when it comes to courage!! 

 

Fantastic work in the garage - man reading got me anxious!! The scene you created!! So that is so awesome you to your tools to work there!! Bravo man!! I am so excited by that! So great to see you pick up all this stuff so quickly!! Really really was buzzing when you mentioned that situation!!! 

 

Also great you said a prayer as there I'm sure would have been help from upstairs!

 

SO SO PROUD OF YOU!! What a stunning post to read!! Really moved! 

 

So back to me and lower the tone LOL!! I had my p doc today, when I told her how isolationist my thoughts have been and how I was scared of seeing her because I thought she hated me and how I was burden for her. I told my therapist the same last week. My thoughts make me think everybody hates me. I told my therapist and p doc I am in abusive relationship with my depression. Anyway she was pretty upset and worried, she seemed very hurt to see me attacked by such horrific thoughts. She really understood the severity of what i face. It was a good session and the rest of the day ok, but tonight completely exhausted. I am really in a bad bad place physically. Just so weak. Just stuff like posting on here just is so much tiring that before and that bothers me a lot. My arms never used to hurt for example. So apologise if the next few days my post aren't the longest or most eloquent, just physically not at it. I have reign my self in and that is so annoying. 

 

So my brain just died on me LOL!!! Anyway so excited for you and so happy to read such a joyful message!! 

 

Love you man so much! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat, for a man that was restrained to

so many things.... You got a funny way to show it !

Bravo Scrat, love you.

[invalidusername]

So good to hear from you - twice in one day too!!

 

Thank you so much Gailage - my lovely chere.

 

I have no idea where this energy has come from. Prayers have really helped me lately - I am indebted to you all for support. Next I need to swim across the Atlantic, bake some brownies, make a pot of tea and help you put some of that weight back on!!

 

Much much love

[invalidusername]

Good evening brother...

 

I don't mind telling you, your reply bought a tear to my eye this morning. I woke feeling so exhausted and just wondered what it had all been for. But then your words reminded me of why I am doing this. Then it hit me... this could very well be divine intervention. I had been putting off going further than 5 miles from home for 2 years, and what was it going to take for me to eventually do that. I have felt that I have come such a long way, but this was still there. So, someone upstairs did my brakes in for me!! LOL. 

 

But it worked, it got me to this point that I had to do this exposure. And if that wasn't enough. I had a call from the mechanic asking for one of the parts that I still had, so I did it again!! Another 20 miles there and 20 miles back to drop this part off. This along with 5 clients today, so still quite busy. But much less than yesterday. 

 

My weekend friend came to my rescue and loaned me her second car, and she has said I can use it for the next 2 weeks if the car takes that long! I am so blessed! So whilst they might have been doing the tough love bit upstairs, they still look after me!!

 

But, I must say that being without my car, for the first time EVER, is very difficult. It is like a child to me. Please don't laugh!! I have petrol running through my veins. I grew up racing stock hatch series, and have even built a car from scratch. This current car is no exception. It wants for nothing. It is lovely to look at, and hugely fast! I just can't be without it, but I know the work has to be done and the tools needed to do the work I cannot get outside of a garage. The work is also much easier with two people. I just need to be patient, and I know I will be much happier when it is back and I know it is all fixed and working. The issue was that I upgraded the brakes, but the lines that went from the discs and pads that I did were still 12 years old, and they simply couldn't handle it, so it was inevitable. I was just hoping that I could have done it - never mind. Can't always go our way...

 

I want to take some time off now, but I have therapy tomorrow, then a big job with a client on Thursday which is an all-afternooner, and Friday I have a meeting with my uni supervisor and will hopefully be car collecting day. I will just have to keep going. The good thing is that the extra work that mysteriously turned up over the last few days and this week is going to cover the unexpected bill for the car, so again, things are working out. I really just need to stay in perspective. Things can work man... they really can. Just got to keep the faith this end!!

 

And yes - back to you... The first ting that came to mind when you said that your thoughts make you think everyone hates you made me think of the wife, as her depression does this to her. She sees this is herself that there is something wrong with her. I can quite easily put this down to her upbringing and the abuse, but I know for sure just how loving your family is, so this is another route. But like you have said before, depression can bring out the nastiest things when it wants to... but I am glad that you had a good session to go through this.

 

There is no mistake here that all this physical stuff is exacerbating the depression. A lot of your exposures have been tied to this, and even those that haven't will have drawn your mind to them because it is the thing that prevents you from doing the stuff that you want. I am the same - but not with the anxiety that I can clearly face, but with the physical issues that have come about due to pills and so forth. I really wish there was a way we could just stop all the pill for you and get back to the very basics... the homeopathic way would endorse something like this in trusting that the body will heal itself. It is like what I do if I try to repair a computer. I take out all the unnecessary parts and get that working and add each part back one by one until I find the culprit. Our bodies are machines... a transport... or the shell like you say. They need care and maintenance, but all this modern rubbish can make them so bad. I often think back to around 100-200 years ago and there are plenty of people that lived to similar ages that we are today. Granted there was higher mortality for diseases, but when people were generally healthy, they still had just a good an innings as those today. I bet if you looked further east that you would find longevity as commonplace. The longest living person was born in 1875... we don't need all this rubbish in our bodies!! We never really know what is helping and what is hindering.

 

I am so thankful to you for posting such a message for me to find this morning. It really set me up for another positive day. And to be doing that with your weakness at the moment - it is just so caring of you. Just like from our Gailage today. Lovely message from her above, which was so nice, and an update in her main thread that took her 15 minutes to write. Bless her socks. Sounds like you are linked in this one. I know my weakness is self-inflicted, but it is nice to be a part of it all!!

 

So please do not worry about message length, or if you need some time off. I will still be here and you will still be in my thoughts and prayers. I will also write so you have something to read knowing how much your have helped me over the months. God bless the day you came back to the forum!!

 

Love you so much brother... so very much...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so happy that message could help but it just simply came from the heart!! When with you I just say I how I feel, I don't overthink it so make no mistake everything comes from the heart!! I wanted to like your message but out of likes!!! Was such a joy to read your message last night - a bit like a dream come true!! At the same time I was surprised to be honest for the reasons I have explained. I know what an extraordinary courage you posses and also I have seen recently how positive you have been and seen a real shift in your thinking. From the outside I can clearly see a huge growth in how you approach things, and that is all by yourself!!! You are the epitome of bravery and an example of living a life with deep love in your heart!!! That is a beautiful thing to witness I must admit!!! I am massively proud of you my brother but most of all INSPIRED!! And so grateful to have met you and been able witness such an extraordinary person overcome so much!! 

 

I was praying for you today in the garden and it's funny because I talk to you when I pray, I didn't do it intentionally but just noticed I was doing it. Just saying 'Brother you are doing so well, so proud of you'. I am really willing you on from my garden LOL!!! So exited for you really!!! Of course it is still step by step and gradual but the progress is incredible! I have just been so struck by your positivity as well, just such a positive energy you give off! That is such a testament to your resilience and your love!! You have kept that flame of love burning inside of you through all you have faced and that is very special to witness!! A real privilege to know somebody which such a wonderful soul!! 

 

Definitely agree with divine intervention, things happen for a reason, but at the time we don't see it. I have had this countless times, at the time thinking why is this happening and getting so down to see later that it had a purpose! It is part of the plan brother! I read in my book last night along the lines of 'in life we don't get what we want but what we need!'. Our purpose here to grow not just get what we think we want. If we just got everything we wanted how would we grow as people! Ultimately deep down what we all really want is the love and joy of Heaven our home that is waiting for us!! What is best for us in the bigger picture is what matters and not the short term. We don't know down here in the moment what is best for us in the bigger picture. Sure maybe all we want could come true on earth but how would that work out in the bigger picture! I am here not to just get what I want but here to face what I need! Also the riches of heaven are so far beyond the riches of this earth!! True happiness comes from the spirit, not from attachment to this world. We a spirit. If we neglect our spiritual needs how can we be happy? Happiness comes from feeding our souls not our body, if that makes sense!! Just talking out loud here!! LOL! The body is just a vehicle, you can fill the vehicle with as much petrol as you like but if you don't care for the content of the vehicle, well that won't work out well. We fall into the trap of thinking we are our body and that is it, yes we have this body but it is just a vehicle for our soul! I could have a healthy body but if my soul wasn't nourished what is the point? 

 

The story below is ancient Chinese tale about luck and the bigger picture. I thought I would share it since it has helped me! -

 

"One day in late summer, an old farmer was working in his field with his old sick horse. The farmer felt compassion for the horse and desired to lift its burden. So he left his horse loose to go the mountains and live out the rest of its life.

Soon after, neighbours from the nearby village visited, offering their condolences and said, "What a shame.  Now your only horse is gone.  How unfortunate you are!. You must be very sad. How will you live, work the land, and prosper?" The farmer replied: "Who knows? We shall see".

Two days later the old horse came back now rejuvenated after meandering in the mountainsides while eating the wild grasses. He came back with twelve new younger and healthy horses which followed the old horse into the corral. 

Word got out in the village of the old farmer's good fortune and it wasn't long before people stopped by to congratulate the farmer on his good luck.  "How fortunate you are!" they exclaimed. You must be very happy!"  Again, the farmer softly said, "Who knows? We shall see."

At daybreak on the next morning, the farmer's only son set off to attempt to train the new wild horses, but the farmer's son was thrown to the ground and broke his leg.  One by one villagers arrived during the day to bemoan the farmer's latest misfortune.  "Oh, what a tragedy!  Your son won't be able to help you farm with a broken leg. You'll have to do all the work yourself, How will you survive? You must be very sad".  they said.  Calmly going about his usual business the farmer answered, "Who knows? We shall see"

Several days later a war broke out. The Emperor's men arrived in the village demanding that young men come with them to be conscripted into the Emperor's army.  As it happened the farmer's son was deemed unfit because of his broken leg.  "What very good fortune you have!!" the villagers exclaimed as their own young sons were marched away. "You must be very happy." "Who knows? We shall see!", replied the old farmer as he headed off to work his field alone.

As time went on the broken leg healed but the son was left with a slight limp. Again the neighbors came to pay their condolences. "Oh what bad luck. Too bad for you"!  But the old farmer simply replied; "Who knows? We shall see."

As it turned out the other young village boys had died in the war and the old farmer and his son were the only able bodied men capable of working the village lands. The old farmer became wealthy and was very generous to the villagers. They said: "Oh how fortunate we are, you must be very happy", to which the old farmer replied, "Who knows? We shall see!" 

 

In terms of me still very weak physically. Legs hurting and walking is quiet tough. I had another 12 1/2 hours of sleep. 

 

Another awesome day from you!!! 5 clients plus to the garage and back!!! You just casually mentioned that!!! That is amazing brother!!! What a day again!!! Don't what more I can say, out of words!!! Insane work, absolutely amazing!!! 

 

Love so much brother!!

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man... and wow - what a reply. There's a book chapter in this one!! And that luck story was great. Really makes you think about how much we read into things and judge so early... thanks man...

 

The best stuff is that which people say from the heart. Truly is. I have also run out of likes today! It is amazing how you say this big positivity coming when I couldn't, but you were right. No matter what happens tomorrow or the day after, it has been truly amazing. Nothing can take this away now - just like your time in the country. Man - what I would give for something like that now. Take all the stress off...! Your words are so kind and if I have inspired you just a little, then I am so happy...

 

I am getting such a buzz from it all at the moment and it was never like this before my relapse. I was with a client that I hadn't seen for a while today and he was talking about what he did in the war (yes, is quite old!), and his life in old London, and the next thing I know he was bringing me out glasses of wine to sample from his vineyard in Bordeaux! This is life brother. Joy brings joy. I felt so privaledged to be around such a wonderful person, living life to the full even in his mid 80's. 

 

I had such an amazing session with my therapist today as well. You will need to remind me to PM you about this, but I am so late doing stuff tonight and I really need to wind down. I have again been out for 8 hours today. It is amazing and so enjoyable, but I really need to make the hours at home resting as much as I can. I cannot have a burnout what with all the car stuff going on at the moment.

 

Again you have come up with a cracking quote. We don't get what we want, but what we need. Absolutely. And it is because we don't really know what we need, but more what we want that we don't understand until much later when it comes together. The very reason behind what we talk about when we return home. We will realise that these things are what we needed, not what we wanted. Our lives here are never going to be like a holiday camp all the time!! LOL. Great that we are both thinking along the lines of the vehicle metaphor too. That paragraph you have written makes so much sense... and you wonder why I keep on about your book! You need to come back to these messages when you right the book because there is already so much material here you know!! We already have 32 pages of it and the most viewed content on the forum to date!! There has to be something in it. Maybe once I have finished my research we could collaborate... what a wonderful thing that would be.

 

Shame that you are still feeling rough with your physical condition. But is there any let up at all? Obviously you need to understand that the improvements may well come in small doses and it is very difficult for you - the bearer of the pain - to see improvements when they are small. But try to focus on the smallest things that you have managed that you didn't manage a day or two ago. This will help to maintain your focus. And bit by bit, as you see the improvement, it will give you more and more enthusiasm which will pull your mood up. Lovely images of you in the garden too. Must be like a mecca for you...! It is good to have these small places of retreat.

 

Anyway - I need to get resting! And get some dinner! Calm myself ready for tomorrow and start cooling off with these crazy hours. I have at least covered the bill for the car with all this extra work! That is a positive I suppose!! Will be thinking of you man... and prayers of course continue to bring your health and vitality so you can continue to spread that love to more people. They need to see this in you brother... really they do. I am spoiled having so much to myself!! 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Fantastic to hear such positive news! Wow! Beautiful!! I must say I can remember the moment the feeling hit me that good things were coming for you so well! Was out on my walk heard the phone go and say it was you. Then I was hit by this sensation of complete peace and I knew your were safe and good times were coming!! I trust in these moments that go beyond what we can comprehend, but just we have feel something deeply. It is very beautiful to seeing this playing out. I am so happy to see this! 

 

Equally I see you from the outside so I can see how brave and loving you are and how much depth you have as a person. I must say I think about what you have had to face and your courage so much, and it truly awe inducing to witness such spirit and perseverance! The positive energy you give off is so beautiful! And most of all you with LOVE!! Truly inspiring to me!! God bless beautiful brother! What a pleasure and gift God sent me when I met you! You are very advanced on your spiritual path and it an honour to learn from you! 

 

So I had my therapist as well today! She said my face lit up when I was talking about the cat that followed me down the street and she said I really should get a pet in London asap! I have made no money at all since I was 19 so it is yet another favour i have to ask. I can't say I enjoy having to no financial independence. But anyway my parents were always delighted with the idea and now I have a therapeutic excuse!! LOL! The tough bit is what to get a cat or dog. I feel very very close to my dear love in the country and I almost feel like it is cheating on her getting a cat LOL!! She is the cat that has my heart!! LOL! Plus a puppy would be fun to train and I could take back and forth from the country which I couldn't with a cat. If I got a cat I could get one within a few days pretty much but a dog will take time to find the right breeder. Obviously the dog would need walking and what I can do depends on my physical state at the time. So I need a low energy dog, who only needs short walks. I have done the research, so I have narrowed it down. To be fair my mum said she is always going out and could walk it and then got my brother and sister and dad when he is at home. It's a touch decision, my dad said get both, but I don't want a puppy and a cat at the same time. That would be too intense and too much work. The thing with dogs is they differ SO much depending on breed. When I was in the country I met a Lurcher and Staffy and to be honest you would think they were different animals!! The Lurcher was SO calm and chilled, no licking just basically being incredible still, and then the Staffy spend over an hour licking my hand and bare leg! He had so much energy it was like he was on steroids. Of course he was very muscular and heavy and the lurcher is so slender and slim. Loved the staffy and how loving he was and he seemed to really like me since he spend the whole time licking my hand off!! But that would be too intense full time, at least in my physical state!! Also my mum needs one who isn't too strong, and she doesn't like licking either. My aunt owns the lurcher and she is pushing me to get a dog!! Didn't you once have something like 10 cats in a house or something?? I would be in a dream world with that!! So I need to put in the research, but I desperately miss my cat in the country! I have even been dreaming of her!! To know how well she has been doing as well! It's weird as a kid I was scared of animals but now the last year or so I have become obsessed!! 

 

Feeling very weak still to be honest but just getting in the rest. Hard to say if I am making small steps because that is hard to observe unless from the outside! 

 

Hope tomorrow goes well with the big job! Also 8 hours out?? INSANE! Was that all clients?? So massive congrats to you brother!! So so inspiring to see! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Good evening brother...

 

Wow - so you had this unknown experience of foresight about my positive time coming? That is good. You must be my own personal clairvoyant! Well, you can trust in these moments even more now knowing that it has indeed come true... I really appreciate your talking of my positive energy as you do. I so rarely feel it is reciprocated. But I can safely say that my spirituality is only where it is as a result of what has occurred over the last 2 years. Would I change it and not endure all the hardship or emotional turmoil? Not a chance. What I have gained from these experiences is not something to be changed. And never forget that you are an integral cog in what is going on - and never deny that. Regardless of where this leads, where I am right here and right now has a lot to do with you, this forum and the wonderful family I have here. Guidance in my darkest hours. Hope when I could see no way forward. 

 

I have had another really good day, but still quite busy, although I have been let down by the garage who have not even looked at my car. They have had it four days, and promised that I would have it back yesterday evening. They work a half day tomorrow so there is no chance that I will see it back for the weekend. This has upset me a lot, but I need to rise above it. But... I also woke this morning, opened the blinds, and outside on the pavement someone had written in big block letters in chalk.. "Jesus has been sent to save us from our sins and from death". Never seen anything like that here before in my life. It was amazing. Took a photo... needed to document it. 

 

I am not surprised that you face lit up talking about the cat! There is something there between you and the cat... well, cats in general. You should have something in London. It would help you so much. I would willingly buy you a cat man!! Knowing what you would benefit as a result... but I think it needs to be a cat for sure. You have to work for their affection, whereas a dog gives it unconditionally. They don't work like a cat. A cat is far more independent and in my opinion has much more of a personality. Don;t get me wrong, I love dogs... I had a dog once, but I have also had... er, 15, 16 cats? I loose count. I also think it would take toll on your physical condition if you weren't able to walk due to some circumstances. Low energy dog!! That made me laugh!! Or just crush a valium into its food once a day, and you would be fine!!

 

I had a tibetan terrier. They were bred to keep the monks feet warm during the colder months. So I wonder whether she had something to do with my now Buddhist calling!! They are "low energy" and have some temperaments similar to a cat. She would sit on my lap which is strange for a dog. She would also only eat whatever I was eating that day. I was concerned as she wasn't getting any meat. But she had one meal that she would eat regardless of what I was eating which was cheesy scrambled egg! Honestly man - she would bolt it down!! 

 

The most cats I had at any one time was 6. That was lovely. With a previous partner. My partner had 3, I had 1 and our housemate had a further 2. They all got on just fine, but they would all sleep on the bed of my partner and I - pinning us to the mattress. You could hardly move as there just wasn't the space!! Not wanting to lower the tone of the forum, but when we would wake on a Sunday morning and just wanted some "alone" time, it was simply impossible when there are 6 furry faces watching you!! It was no good shutting the door as they would just howl their furry behinds off until we let them back in... 

 

I know it must be difficult to observe the weakness objectively. It will be. But you will see it. And soon. You know you have been far better and it will return. It can't rain all the time...

 

And yes, yesterday was all clients. I was out at 1.45pm today and returned home at 9pm. That was largely clients, but also garage and a shopping trip. But I just stopped as soon as I got home. I need to make sure I relax properly to stave off the potential burnout. It is all about switching your mind off more than the body. I know I didn't really need it, but I have taken some special K tonight to force myself to relax to aid the above. I do think it will help once in a while in this respect.

 

I will need to write the PM tomorrow about my therapy session as I am so exhausted and haven't even started on dinner! I want to eat and settle down with a book. Have skype session with Uni tomorrow and need to be in good form which will require some good sleep!! Wish me luck brother!! Will look forward to reading your beautiful words when I wake...

 

Much much love to you..

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man so pleased you had another good day!! So pleased! Hope that long session went well?? All the best for tomorrow with the skype session!! 

 

I had a few times now when I have had an feeling about how you will be. Don't really understand how these things work but I know what I feel!! 

 

Very weak tonight my brother so will be short I'm afraid. I slept about 12 h 40 minutes and been much weaker for the rest of the day. Had some nasty depression and then anxiety as well. Been tough, very very tough. Really struggling right now. 

 

So much wonderful wisdom in your post! Beautiful beautiful words about your suffering and the spiritual benefit it has brought! I was reading last night that the the thing with suffering is it makes us look upstairs, when maybe we wouldn't otherwise. Our encounter with the divine mystery becomes integral to us and our eyes our opened to new insights and dimensions to existence. I was thinking about your post yesterday about the joy you experienced with your elderly client and how you never felt that before your relapse. I resonated with that so much!! I really know exactly how you feel. Our lives our a challenge but when the joy comes it so much more vibrant and profound!! 

 

I love your positive energy and it is so inspiring and exciting to witness!! I am lucky to experience it!! You are a very inspiring person my brother, much more so than words could ever do justice!! 

 

Sorry I have to be a bit short at the moment but I love to read your posts and experience your love! 

 

And again a huge congratulations on your wonderful achievements this week! You are doing simply incredible!! 

 

I love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Please do not worry for the short reply as I will unfortunately be doing the same today... whilst I had a good day, I was very lethargic and exhausted as I would expect, but later noticed that one of my pupils was significantly larger than the other. This made me panic a bit. I called my optician and he wants to see me first thing in the morning. I have also got a really really severe headache and neck pain. My vision seems fine, so it might just be migraine issues, I don't know, but I can't relax and the pain is really too much. So don't know how long I will last here.... Sorry it can't be my usual positive of late. Typical that the first day I started to relax and it all comes at me!

 

I am so sorry to hear that you have had both depression and anxiety bouts.... along with being weak too. I can well imagine that you are struggling. No... sorry man. My head is just not having this. The pain is unbearable. Truly. Sorry, going to have to crash and leave it there. I'll report back tomorrow...

 

Love you brother.

 

God Bless

[gail]

Know London and Scrat, that you are missed.

Though I understand to need a break here. I don't have enough knowledge to help with the forum .
I missed too much, what was good yesterday is no longer good! Good job Scrat

[invalidusername]

Sorry Gailage... we moved to PM for a couple of days. Don't quite know why!

 

I will send you an email with the missed conversation - sorry my lovely.

 

Much much lovage...