2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey man really sorry about you are going through. So sorry for you. It sounds such a horrific situation you are in. I just think it may be some transition going on in your brain and hopefully that sort will itself out soon. So sorry you have to go through this. But you overall are doing so well, don't forget that man. I know now is so tough but the big picture is very positive for you. 19 good days in a row, the car brakes, finishing the early therapy sessions, dealing with all that stress on Friday and still seeing 5 clients, your mum's birthday on Sunday, a full room of people, managing 2 hours and 30 minutes of that, getting in some really impressive times of meditation! So many positives going on man, so I just really hope you can get through stage as quickly as possible. You are dealing with it so well, with such courage. That is brilliant you still saw 3 clients and that it went better than yesterday. That is a massive achievement man! You are putting in serious hard yards here and this will pay off for you. I am always here for you and together we will get through this brother. It is really upsetting to read but I do believe there is a plan and purpose to this, however strange that sounds. You spreading so much love into the world on this forum, with your clients. Despite what you have been through you have such a positive energy and the world needs that. With your spirituality you understand why we are here, which most people don't. Somehow we have to endure this but so much joy and wonder is waiting for us at home, as you know my brother. I appreciate me trying to sound positive may sound hollow when you have to face what you are facing right now, I myself know that feeling very well. But there is a reason for all this and this is all part of much bigger picture. Suffering seems to go hand in hand often with a deep spirituality, and there will be a reason for that. You are such a beautiful soul brother and I feel your love so much! I am here on this journey with you! 

 

It will be short from me this end as well as I think the combination of the intense exposures coming up and recently along with my infections are making me very tired. Like you I can get 7 30 mins sleep and be completely and utterly knackered. I slowly sleeping more and more at the moment, which I think must be the infections. I'm having to readjust accordingly. Early start for me next week as well so have to change my timings to prepare. But I think my infections are sucking the life out of me, and so I just need way more sleep. Feeling slightly overwhelmed with everything which was inevitable with the exposures I've been putting in. At the time they weren't bad but now having to maintain that is going to be tough. Could do with a week off really next week. Feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment, not sure why? Just tired I guess and less energy. Bit flat and empty as well. 

 

Ok man seriously proud of how you are handling everything and there is a bigger picture for both of us! I hope you have a good day tomorrow and I will be praying for you! 

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man....

 

Some lovely news for you today!! Last night before I went to sleep, I sent up a massive plea to ask for a morning off these crazy thoughts - I just needed to know that my brain was capable of working correctly and I really wanted a morning off. I went to bed at the usual 4am, and I didn't even stir, and woke at 1.10!! Over 9 hours!! And no brain silliness either! I can't remember when I had that long asleep. I felt so refreshed and was so happy for it. Still felt quite vulnerable, but just to wake and not be in that state was fantastic! Thank you for all your prayers as someone was listening last night...

 

Been to see my friend as usual today and was able to relax, and spent the rest of the day much the same - just relaxing. Feeling quite shattered and a bit low, but I chose to accept that given the last 4 days. Rather than question it, I am doing all I can to accept it and let it be, and I feel quite good about it. I think it is a careful balance of doing enough to know that I can still maintain living etc, but not too much that I end up getting in a mess. It is a tough act, but I am learning. Thank you again for your words and the reminder of just how much I had done. I do forget....

 

So I hope you have been able to do much the same thing in relaxing. I can understand if there is a lot on your mind what with next week and all, but again, it will soon be all over. The anticipation is the worst for the anxiety so it will be plenty of practise of being in the present! And of course you could do with the rest of the week off, and it is a shame that if couldn't be the whole week, and there is absolutely no harm in feeling sorry for yourself. I actually said it out loud as I read your email this morning and the mrs asked who I was talking to!! That is how engrossed I get in reading your messages!! LOL.

 

Don't forget that you still have all this stuff going round in your system in need of a fix, so this will be having its own impact on you, so to be doing what you are whilst this is going to town on your various GI and colonic parts is something else. Keep telling yourself there is joy to come, just like we tell our Gailage. You WILL feel so much better soon and you will be so glad - as will I knowing that they have finally sorted that much out! All we need then is to get people to understand your Lymes... 

 

Again, I think we are at the same with the feeling flat and low energy. Both hit a tough spot, but just as you said to me, just look at all you have managed to do in the face of it all. The biggest part of which is the stupid hour appointment that you had to endure - and as if that wasn't enough, you took in on yourself to tackle the walk home. Immense man. Truly. Stuff of legend. These are all things we will enjoy watching on that machine I saw in my dreams the other week. I am reading another book about NDE's and that got me thinking about that again and how wonderful it will be to live our moments and share the feelings of those that have been around us. All this kindness that you have shown me... you will feel my gratitude one day when you review all this and you will know even more how grateful I am... along with Gail, your family... and so many more that you are to yet grace with your kindness.

 

Love you brother...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man YEAH fantastic!! So pleased for you! SO so happy! I was quietly confident that things would turn, so so pleased for you brother!! This is a pay off for all your hard work this week! You kept going, you didn't give up, you kept positive and today it turned!! I know so much is out of control man but the work you put in this week laid a platform for this I think! You had a really great run of days and then had this dip with week and that is so hard to deal with but you kept positive and were present. So buzzing to hear that! I did tell my mum to pray for you as well. So happy you got to experience such a nice long sleep! Such a good feeling to get some serious hours under the belt! Even for me before I had these infections 9 hours was a really long sleep for me, so fantastic you could have that!! Really happy you had a nice time with your friend as well, and could relax the rest of day. Fantastic as well to hear you got to practice some good acceptance, massive well done! It is so hard to do, it really is, so don't take for granted how big an achievement that is! When you are doing it, it you realise how hard it is. At the moment I'm not doing great with regards to acceptance and I'm thinking to myself 'how have I have managed to do this for long??' I didn't realise when my acceptance was good, what an achievement it was, only know I'm struggling with it, do I see how well I did! 

 

I'm just so flat and empty right now and that is really starting to freak me out. I'm actually too worried about next week anymore. More just feeling confused why my life is suddenly completely flat. I can barely any enjoyment. I feel no excitement. I'm thinking is this the drugs but then I was on these exact drugs down in the country and was in states of huge ecstasy. Even like a week ago I was feeling moments of huge joy. So I'm ok with it being a lull, that's fine, but obviously I'm thinking is the drugs and then that gets to me. It was the same with my stomach issues, immediately I thought 'it's the drugs' and then it turned out I had all this stuff going on. I could have saved myself a lot of worry if I hadn't indulged in those thoughts, as I hadn't even had any tests yet. But still since about Monday this flatness has sort of taken over. To be fair I remember in about February I had this really flat and apathetic phase and then from March onwards it's been insane in terms of progress. Bear in mind in February I hadn't even started leaving the front door yet and going in the front garden!! Thinking out loud about it right now is reassuring, but this morning it really got to me. I just felt completely overwhelmed with apathy. Just zero excitement and energy. Thinking about I remember Thursday, not just gone but the one before feeling huge joy, I was checking my notes. So that's pretty recent! 

 

Ok man I have this really interesting story that happened to me today. So I was having this dream. Normally in all my dreams I am disabled. But in this dream I remember running in a race. So that is super rare for a dream for me to be physically well. I then woke up in the night and my legs were in agony!! Can you imagine? What I had been doing in the dream directly affected me physically!! It was crazy! I was lying in bed, thinking to myself this can't be real!! Thankfully I feel back to sleep quickly. I was only half awake but the pain was unbelievable! Then when I woke up, was completely fine! I often dream about places I have walked to recently on exposures and in exposures it often feels like I am in dream. There is only a real thin layer between the two realms in my life! But for something I was dreaming about to directly affect me physically has never happened and was incredible experience. It shows how close the dream plane (or what some would call the astral plane) and 'reality' is! I feel there are so many possibilities for me to explore here! What if I can use something from the astral plane to make me feel really good, rather than in pain like today? I obviously didn't like being in pain but it was exciting. Now I am questioning whether it happened or whether it was all part of the dream, but I'm pretty sure it was real. Whenever I ask my mum did that happen when I was sleeping or was I dreaming she almost always says 'yeah that happened', like overhearing a conversation. I'll go 'are you going to so so tomorrow' and then she say 'yeah how did you know'. That happens quite often.  So evidence would support it happening. 

 

Despite me feeling so apathetic I had one good spell today - my walk. I had no idea where I was going. Just one of those spontaneous, go with the flow walks. Went down to the river, then where I usually turn to come home, I was like 'to hell with it, let's take a risk'. I was walking really nice and slow, which makes a big difference. The slower I walk the less tired I get. I just kept on walking along side the river and then did a completely new way back since I had gone on so far. Wasn't thinking about the time, just really present. I can't lie it was so fun and really surreal. Covered so much new territory and was a nice ambience between sunset and going dark. By the time I got home it had been 40 mins, which is 11 minutes bigger than I have done before. 29 minutes was my record on a walk out of the house, which I did 2 weeks ago! Smashed my record by 11 minutes! For ages my record was 26 minutes, so 2 weeks ago was only 3 minutes more! Also I was so knackered on that 29 minute walk but this one I was tired but not as tired as that 29 minute one!! I think it comes down to pacing! Everybody walks so so fast in London so I get drawn into that pace and then that tires me and creates tension. When I walk really slow and get a smooth and consistent rhythm it's much better. Also I had to really make myself go out in the first place, since I felt too tired!! I was expecting a short one!!

 

I walked past this pub on the new route back and there were some girls dressed up for Saturday night and then I saw one was bent over and there was this big pile of sick! It was only 6 30! Poor thing! I kept on walking and suddenly I saw sick all over the street and had to pretty nimble to not walk on it. It literally kept me on my toes!! But it was weird because not been on a night out since I was 19, so just not seen anything like for so long! Such an english sight, I was almost comforted LOL! It was as if that was real sign I was getting back to normality LOL! 

 

Sorry for this being such a long message - but just one more thing. I went to my osteopath for bad back on Friday and she said I was very blocked up and my body had lots of tension. She said this would be taking out a lot of energy from me. She thought it would be good to see her regularly to un block the tension. So that was really interesting to hear. She even said it might help me walk easier. It will be interesting to see where that leads, but I had not considered that at all! 

 

Ok man thanks so much for those words! That really means a lot! Also just writing to you tonight has really lifted me and given me some perspective! Does me the world of good being able to get things of my chest!! Thanks you so so much brother for listening! My gratitude to you is immense!! Can't wait to share those moments together like you say! Such a wonderful thing to think of! You too will feel my gratitude and love to you in ways I can't truly express!!

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man....

 

I am glad that you have focused on the progress that you have made in the midst of explaining your flat/empty phase at the moment. Of course I really feel for you for this, as what with my stress symptoms, it has a similar effect on me. One thing that does help me is that I know it is the stress causing these issues - just like you prefer to be able to blame the drugs. All perfectly plausible. The problem is, even though it is the stress for me, it gets to a point when it doesn't really matter what causes it, the end result is still the same. So it has been a week since the onset, so the best thing to do is find the trigger if you can and learn by it. Sure, there are some things that we just cannot control, but we can always take something from it. For example, being discharged from the mental health service was out of my control, but I now know that there is nothing they can offer me apart from disappointment and stress, so there is no logical reason why I will have to suffer that again. In your case, you have had some medical issues and all the rubbish that has come about as a result of them, such as the bad times for appointments and being taken seriously... then there was your woolly hat incident and the missed opportunity of going back to your holiday retreat. But....

 

...your holiday retreat would not have been there as an option had you not have had that wonderful 3 weeks, and you will have the opportunity again very soon. This is is just one small slip, but the focus is that you are disappointed... bear with me on this one! You had something to look forward to, right, that is my point here. Disappointment is something that comes with life in these circumstances, but this is something that you have managed to build up as something you enjoy doing - enough to be upset when it is taken away from you on this occasion. If you can, try to see this as a positive. I hope it makes sense. I am sure I could figure out the rest, but head is still not 100%!!

 

As far as my day goes, it has not been the best. I felt OK when I woke, but it very soon descended when I again became badly fatigued. Everything was an effort again. I could make it to the bathroom and get water from the kitchen, but there was no chance of getting out. This continued for about 5 hours and then turned into a headache/fog and lethargy. I was still very weak and could have pushed myself to walk a little way, but chose not to. It has all the hallmarks of the exhaustion stage of stress, but it worries me that it will impact on work. Fortunately today was a Sunday and not a work day, otherwise I would have lost income. The issue is that the stress is still there when I have the opportunity to rest. I wake and I am exhausted and start worrying, then its starts to ease and I am then tired from all the worrying, and in the evening, I am worrying about the next morning. A very viscous circle and do not know what to do.... I am taking rest where I can. My Kratom helps, but I cannot rely on this as I will become dependent and that is the last thing I want to have happen. Meditation is also on the cards every day...

 

Very interesting story about your dream, but these things can happen. According to the wife, I am always moving my limbs in the night! I have watched many a cat do similar things. I even used to sleepwalk as a child. But the brain will release the relevant chemicals to indulge in the circumstances going on sometimes, depending on which state of sleep we are in. It is a very strange phenomenon. I remember reading about the astral planes a while back - and didn't you mention something about having a tutor who could astral travel? Or am I thinking of someone else?

 

Your walk man... how did you manage that?! That is my inspiration for tomorrow - despite how I feel. I need to keep going. That is a long time to be out, regardless of walking pace as you are still maintaining your posture and propelling yourself. Do you ever stop for a rest on a bench or wall near the river at all? That really is admirable. Just go easy man!! There are so many minutes in the day and the last thing I want is for you to follow in my footsteps and get to a stress exhaustion stage - and that would be far worse for you than it would be for me, no question.

 

I think the pub scene will be found all over. I expect that if I went out in my town I would be able to find the right places to see something very similar! It is an upsetting world we live in and it makes me sad that people put themselves through this stuff when there are people like us who are doing everything we can just to feel slightly better.. if only they knew right?

 

OK. Time for a dose of my special K, and some reading enlightenment to calm my brain as best I can. I am doing all I can to not think too much about tomorrow. I really needed this weekend to rest and it doesn't feel like I have had that today - although yesterday was good once I got moving. Improvement will follow, I just need to maintain the mindset and be aware of my limits...

 

Big congrats for your record again man, and keep thinking about your return trip to the country.

 

Love you so very much brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man so today I had to only eat certain foods and tomorrow is full fast. It shows how much the diet my doctor has me on is effective, because I feel terrible right now. I guess also I'm used to that diet so having something different will be a shock to my body but still I can't believe what a difference it makes. I feel completely knackered, depressed, and just so weak right now. On the verge of tears. I can barely type! What is going on?? That is scary that I am so reliant on my diet!! Today I was banned from all fruit and veg, which is big part of my diet. But I still eat some eggs, fish and potatoes, so why am I like this? Sorry brother but this is a real struggle right now! Heavy breathing and scared. Amazing one day without my diet can lead to this? I guess one, fruit an veg obviously make a massive difference and two, my body just can't cope without them as it has had them everyday for so long. I guess I am in a way addicted to them. I can barely function right now! Now I have tomorrow with just soup. Plus one early meal. At least I can have vegetable stock. 

 

So I will do my best but having some serious reaction right now - a feel like I am about to pass out and also feel like I am almost paralysed with weakness. 

 

Absolutely that makes sense man. Very good point! Never thought I would be yearning to go there in the winter. Luckily I might just go down a week later, but will be with my mum mostly. Just miss the cat man! Massive well done for dealing with your situation so constructively. Really great you are can look at things in such a way. It's a blessing in disguise as you say! 

 

Ok man just a heads up sorry if this isn't my best post. I really have no idea what is going on right now, but I have never felt this weak writing to you. I am very light headed as well. 

 

Sorry about your day, I'm really sorry to hear that. Your so brave and it's tough to hear what your facing man. Yesterday was a sign of what is to come, it shows you are capable to having a good morning. But getting through this stage must be so tough. I totally get that cycle of worry. I have been there myself. Obviously my advice wont be the best considering the state I'm in right now LOL!! But you seem to making really good progress with the meditation. You said you had a good hour the other night which was so exciting for me to hear! The more you meditate the more easy it will become to be mindful and meditate in other situations. Like with me, where I meditate if I can't sleep or in the car or walking. Lying in bed is I find a great place to meditate and I also read this in one of my books. If I can't sleep I just meditate and so I actually enjoy it, just lying there in bed. If you could sort of bring this to your mornings that might help. Just use your head fog or fatigue as a tool for your meditation. Focus on the fact it only your shell that in discomfort. The more you meditate the more you can distance yourself from what you are feeling. It's almost like you go outside yourself and look at yourself as you would just look at another person. I know that might sound crazy but I have done that through meditation. You see your symptoms but they aren't you, they are just there, affecting your body but not you. You don't have to follow the narratives that the sensations trigger in your brain. The good thing about meditation is you can always do it. Some times you might feel great or have some wise insight that comes from it, others it might be average. But the purpose is the long term. All the teachers I have read says there is no such thing as a 'good' or 'bad' meditator. Even if it feels hard to do at a certain point, it is all helpful in the long term. I think the big thing for me as well was to realise that doing nothing isn't a bad thing. In India it is a way of life, the most respected occupation the country. The are called Sadhus. They have no possessions and just wander homeless or live in caves. Of course I'm not suggesting anything so extreme, but maybe you think about having acceptance of not always having to do stuff. Obviously your older than me, so you are more conditioned in the western structure of life. But you have been in the west country as you have told me and seen how they do things at a much slower pace. Plus that is somewhere you really like. In eastern religion the focus is much more on the interior life and so much doing things physically. So from my perspective you are learning all the time. These days at home must be torture for you man and it hurts to read, but I don't think they are wasted days. I think in the long run you will learn a lot from them and having to deal with such a challenging situation will help you grow as a person. I'm sure this is part of the plan for you. I realise everybody is different brother, but I have spend literally years in isolation and learned to embrace it, so what I'm trying to say is that it isn't an automatic negative. I'm pretty weird I accept that and I wouldn't push anybody to the extremes of how I have lived at all, but I have learned so much from it. In most religious or spiritual books they come back to this idea of stillness and quiet being so important to the realisation that we are spirit. If we are 24/7 we can't step back and see the bigger picture, we can't see this world for what it is but think it is everything. 

 

Sorry for that long paragraph brother, but I just really want to help in anyway I can. I have lived a life of isolation for so many years so I can relate so much and I just want to use my experience to help if I can. I had 7 1/2 years of isolation and now I am coming out of it, and just really want you know that you are not alone. I might not be able to help, but please ask me anything you want. Also man this took me a long time to come up with the tools and you are doing so well. I can just relate a lot to your situation, especially the frustration of the fatigue. Now of course your fatigue is different to mine and hopefully will move on very soon, but if I found tools to help then you definitely can as well.

 

Had another walk for 26 minutes today, went down to the river again. Was a bit more tired but that was to be expected after yesterday. Yeah yesterday I had no intention of doing that, I didn't even know where I was going when I left. I thought 'let's go down to the river and see what happens'. I was in a very mindful mind set, so wasn't even thinking about time, just being totally present. I just let off the shackles basically. Felt unbelievably liberating. First time I checked the time it was 25 minutes in and I had no idea what time had gone. I was just in the zone if you like, but in a mindful way. Like a dream. I felt very floaty. As I say I enjoyed it so much, and that was in the context of feeling so flat and empty all week - so it felt extra good. I didn't even need to sit actually. Just a very steady rhythm. I wouldn't have risked it had I not had such a flat week and in particular such a bad morning, that made me feel 'what have I got to lose?'. So it was a real example of turning a positive into a negative. Even though it was a big physical achievement I wasn't actually thinking of that at all, only when I got home. As I say that wasn't my intention. I felt it was more an achievement mentally. To bring such a mindful approach to such a pressure situation was another nice breakthrough mentally. This is why I talk about the mind stuff man, simply because it has helped me so much. Things I never ever thought I could do, I now can and that is partly down to this mind work and slowly changing how I mentally approach life. Still feels surreal actually, can't believe I did it. Often exposures are anti-climatic, but this was the opposite, I'm not sure why that is. That took me 8 years to get there! I'm pretty emotional thinking about like that - and it shows never, never give up!!! I am proof of that!!! This is why I am so positive and excited for your future brother!! 

 

Yeah one of the monks could astral project at my monastery! 

 

Ok sorry for that brother. Got lost a bit. I didn't know what to do with my evening, so it was a real help to just talk tonight! Again it has helped me so, SO MUCH to be able to talk to you! I wish you could know how grateful I am! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening!! You such an amazing guy man and I'm not sure why I got so lucky to meet you! 

 

I will be praying and I am always here for you!! You are doing so so well man! Inspiring me so much!! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

So it is fast day?! Man, I feel for you. I really hope you are doing well as I write. Whilst I am so sorry that you are going through these symptoms, it doesn't surprise me that it has occurred. Just wish there was something I could do to help. The picture you painted about being on the verge of tears was painful for me and just wanted it to be over already for you. Being the centre of serontonin production, the gut houses all the important stuff, and any disruption to that, and these things will be out of whack. How are you doing now? Did it get any easier? Vegetable stock though.. blimey. Poor brother.

 

I didn't mention the cat when I spoke of the holiday retreat as I thought you would have enough to be dealing with, but thought you might mention it! Speaking of which, I am a little uneasy as my parents cat (so more or less my cat) is at a cattery this week as my parents are away. You might remember all the noise he made while they were away that drove me stir crazy. The neighbour also couldn't stand it - who incidentally suffers with mental health! So, he has gone for a week's holiday with some other kitties. I know he will be a bit scared and it upsets me because there is no explaining to him what is going on.

 

Today I woke with a huge anxiety hit. I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to work, study or do shopping ever again. All these symptoms are just relentless! I was on the verge of having a seizure, so the wife got me some Kratom and it cured it on the spot! Within the hour I was off to work - and also managed a 20 minute food shop on the way home. Downside being that I got a horrible headache again which was pulling at my anxiety. I really don't know where all this stuff is coming from. I need a break from it. I am either in pain or exhausted 24/7... maybe not quite to the extent that you are, but when I am not used to feeling that way, it has really thrown me and worries me at the start of every day about what will occur. I know I just have to keep going though. But it would be so easy to throw the towel in and just stay indoors. These are tough times man. I continue to pray for us both.

 

That feeling of "what do I have to lose" is a good one. It empowers you well and get some great stuff done. This is what got my first tattoo done!! LOL. And of course the floating. Fantastic that you remember to do this. I do it as often as I remember, but my thoughts crowd and get in the way, but is sure works when I think of it.

 

Right, well I have had my bath and it has helped my head a little, but I am still in a lot of pain, so need to rest my eyes. Oh and another very strange ting before I go. When I woke I had a pain to the left of my forehead and when I checked I had blood all over my pillow. I have a massive gash about an inch long over my eye. No idea how it got there, but it sure wasn't there when I went to sleep. Just made me think of your dream and your legs - so goodness knows what went on in my dream for that to happen!!

 

Let me know how you are getting on - and needless to say, you will be in my thoughts and prayers all through tomorrow. Remember, this is it now - you have done so amazingly brave things in the last few weeks and this is just another one of those. You will be fine... I know you will!

 

Love you so much man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man aw it hurts to hear you having such tough day again. I wish I could do more. I feel so much for you brother. Just have to remember that you had that really great spell and this is just a dip. I know you will come through this! But still it really hurts to see you face such a horrific situation. One day we will be going over this moment together and it will all make sense!! The fact you keep going is just so inspiring to me, such incredible bravery and heart! It is incredible to behold! Please know you are just an incredible person man, with courage on a scale I have barely seen in my life. You are truly heroic! So amazing that did you work and a shop!! Insane! So proud brother! Together we will get through this! Huge huge love to you brother! 

 

So last night I went straight to bed after posting. Didn't feel good. Then I couldn't sleep. Then the pain in my stomach became so bad. I was lying in such pain and it was a tough moment. If felt like I had been stabbed. That was the image I had in my head. I could have looked for some paracetamol or something, but instead just tried to be really calm, still and be present. Not run from the pain but look at it. I managed to keep my brain calm, though it was a close call with pain and a sense of panic which was building. I really viewed it as a challenge, a test. That how I approach this stuff now. I can't control a lot but I can control my reaction. I very motivated in these moments to not give in and face up. I know these moments have deep spiritual significance. These moments that either God or me has chosen for me to face for a reason. God wouldn't make me suffer for no reason, I don't believe that at all. So if this suffering is has be given the ok from God, then I am going to face it, accepting he knows what's best for me. I really do trust in God. This is not forever, but a test or trial or challenge for me to face. This level of suffering is very tough, but I can see a bigger picture in it. The only recognition I want is from God and I know he is with me in this. 

 

So last night took a huge amount out of me. Then today was actually ok. I woke very early to have some food before the 24 hour fast period. Then I went on a 10 minute walk outside and then I did garden meditation for 51 minutes. I had some time to spare as I had got up so early and wasn't having my sauna today either, so used it constructively. With the stress I am under right now, I needed that time of calm. Then I started taking the laxatives and the rest, well you can imagine LOL!! Got a good siesta in. But this evening not feeling good, which isn't a surprise. Feeling very stressed over tomorrow. 3 tests in one day. Having to take all those sedatives, which might shake my brain chemistry. Feeling very disorientated to be honest and feel I am putting everything I have got into staying afloat! The stress is huge I can't lie brother, this is why I can relate and empathise with you so much. Pretty much since the beginning of September I have had these stomach pains and now at last I will have some answers! It has taken a long time to get here!! I won't have the biopsy results tomorrow but will have the colonoscopy and endoscopy results. I feel like their is this huge bag of stress that I am carrying on my shoulders and it is making me so weak carrying it but I can't let it drop. 

 

Anyway it is a mental assault course right now, but I always wanted to test myself mentally, so be careful what you wish for LOL!! 

 

I hope you parents's cat is ok! Hope they are having a nice trip! Sorry to hear about your eye man, that is interesting. 

 

Yeah the floating is great, happy it works for you as well. I would say i have found that the more you practice, the easier it is to apply. Just my experience of it. It is a great tool and the more and more you bring it out, the more it is easier to apply I found. It's like learning anything really. Tough at first and it involves a lot of repetition, but the more you practice the easier it gets until the point when I happens without even having to think about it. It takes time to get the brain into new habits. This is a difficult process but it does work and then can make a huge difference! 

 

Thanks so much for your kind words for tomorrow. Should have plenty to tell you tomorrow LOL! I will continue to pray for you brother! I am thinking about you a lot! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

So... big day for you man...

 

Last I heard you were off to see the "expert" - what was the upshot? I will let you spell it out for the forum again as I know there are plenty following our little diary here! So strange about the text as I was thinking of writing it, but head was blank and I wasn't thinking straight, so I thought I would leave it a while, but there was a distant voice that was saying write it NOW. Seriously. So when you said you got my text just before you went into the operation room, it was a bit of a shock for me. I of course had no idea when you were going in, let alone when the operation was. 

 

Really need to know all the details - of what you can here on the forum - anything else you can always PM!

 

Again, it does not surprise me that you had difficultly sleeping last night, aside from the pain. That is the last thing you needed - but at least you knew that it was being sorted today. Amazing that you can face these as challenges - I try to do the same, but so often I cannot get it together. I don't know that paracetamol would have done much in the line of pain - its not the best painkiller unless you take 1-2gm of the stuff. That might not be the case for all, but in the UK, we are so tight on the regs for these that the highest dose for a dose is 500mg, but you go anywhere in Europe and you can buy 2gm capsules over the counter...

 

Not sure whether to write too much as you will still be largely out of it on your sedatives I expect, so might not go too far. 

 

Today was a bit better for me. About an hour of depression out of nowhere when I woke up, but this I figured was a result of the stress abating. This usually happens. The stress eases a bit and then I feel the pull of life as I have to start getting some positive back again. I also had my telephone interview for therapy for the NHS. An hour of telling a stranger who crap the last 12 months has been, trying to remember all the trips to the hospital, the times I was suicidal, my thoughts at the time - not an easy afternoon I can tell you. Normally with a therapist, you get something back, but not this one. Just a thanks, and we will call you in a day or two to see if we can help. So... you get me to bear my innermost and dredge up all the worst from my life and then hang up the phone!! Great!!

 

Anyway - will leave it there in case you are tired. Write what you can brother - I will understand if there isn't much - or if you need to take a breather - whatever you need, I will of course understand.

 

Love you brave brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so have a lot to tell you! First things first right of now I'm fairly with it, as the sedatives I barely noticed them. But I am in terrible pain right now. My stomach has the most intense cramps. I can barely walk. Knowing it's been looked at today and was apparently in great condition I'm just completely shocked. I feel something is seriously wrong right now. This pain is not right. I can't think in my life ever having stomach cramps this bad. And yet it's in great condition?? 

 

So I will go through the day chronologically. I was out of the house for 8 hours, from leaving the door to entering!! 11:20 to 7:20!! I haven't been out that long, or even close to it, since Germany in early 2016!! To be fair 2 of the those hours was napping but still this was a mammoth day for me!! 

 

So my mum didn't want to drive since it would have so expensive to park for that long, so she ordered a taxi. I haven't been in taxi, apart from briefly last year, since Germany. I woke up and within 25 minutes I was in this taxi and suddenly I was thinking 'what the hell am I doing?'. It just felt so weird and I couldn't believe I hadn't factored in how stressful it was going to be, not being in my mum's car, just with her. It obviously felt completely different. I then became massively anxious and was basically on the verge of a huge panic attack. I was annoyed that with thinking of everything else I hadn't realised this was going to be a big exposure in itself. But I kept my eyes shut and put everything I had into meditating. Looking at my anxiety and panic and not running away from it, looking at what it was doing to me, the sense of fear it was creating, the sense of isolation. I just told myself be in the here and now. Don't fight the current of the river. Just let it be. Don't fight it. Feel love and peace. God is with me, I am not isolated. In my mind I pictured this vision of a horse terrified in a river and going mental. Then I imagined the horse becoming calm and let the water brush past it and just being still. The horse was myself. I have no idea how I came upon this imagine but I was in meditation and so random images can come up. I really maintained great focus and realised I couldn't let the anxiety and panic become me, but just view them as sensations produced by biology. I had no real reason to be so afraid and I was telling myself this. Then I was so deep in meditation I had no sense of time, so my mum said we are here and it seemed so quick. I got out of the car and suddenly felt good and it was like having overcome that challenge that gave me a platform to build on. 

 

I went into the hospital and pretty soon they took me away into a sort of cubicle with a bed with wheels and I got changed. Then I was pretty bored as I waited for the doctor. Then I heard my phone and got your message which was so wonderful! It gave me such a lift. The moment I heard my phone, I thought it was you! Then I started to reply and immediately the doctor walked in, had a very brief chat and off I went to the operation room. It was such amazing timing! Once in the operation room they injected me with 4 mg of Midazolam and 50 mcg of Fentayl (I didn't know what they were at the time but checked on my report). To be honest I didn't really notice them at all. A very small feel good sensation, that was about it. Then they did the endoscopy, it took about 5 minutes. Then the colonoscopy, again about 5 minutes. Could see it all on this big screen. Then the doctor said it was in good condition bar just some small hemorrhoids. So that explains the blood. Then I went back to my cubicle and they gave me some sandwiches. The nurse said to rest for 15 minutes, since I had the sedation. At that point I wasn't too dazed but thought what am I going to do for the next 3 1/2 hours till the specialist. So I went to lie down and then woke up 2 hours later! The nurses obviously thought not to disturb me! So killed time!! Then left with my mum and got some falafels and humus at a shop and walked to the specialist. He was running about 30 minutes late. Then I started to feel pains in my stomach. He repeated what the doctor said about everything being good. He had said last week that he thought I might have Diverticulitis, but no sign of this. Also the h pylori was negative, so my stool sample was wrong. So he said this was strange about my pain and now he wants me to have a CT scan. So I have that on Thursday!! 

 

Then we walked back to the hospital to book the CT scan appointment and then went to wait outside for the taxi. It was then my pain got worse, I was almost bent over in pain. I got in the taxi and I started to get a huge headache. It felt like my head was melting. Then over the journey I was feeling worse and worse. Towards the end I thought I could fee l my throat swelling and thought I might have trouble breathing. I was pretty freaked out. Once home I ran to the toilet as I felt so sick, but nothing came out. At this point the cramps were so bad I just could hardly walk at all. But I sat on the sofa for 45 minutes and thankfully it improved a lot. Plus the headache stopped. Then had another siesta. Felt ok when I woke up but then after eating this evening the cramps came back with a vengeance!! Lots of tummy rumbling as well. I'm sort of bent over the laptop now. 

 

So apart from the taxi anxiety/panic it's been fine mental health wise, but obviously this whole evening has been dominated by these cramps. Got a day off tomorrow then back at it Thursday! The CT scan will be much easier and quicker. Then seeing the specialist again next Tuesday. He's really nice guy and is young, very sharp. 

 

I'm really pleased today was a bit better for you. Sorry you had to put up with the rubbish from the NHS again. So upset and painful to hear. I can imagine that would have been a really difficult afternoon. So brave of you to face that with everything you had to put up with! So proud man of you man. Honestly your patience with these circumstances is just incredible. I'm just out of words here man - both with how badly they behave and with your courage and heart!

 

Thanks so much again for your message man - was so powerful to me! And just insane about the timing! I couldn't even finish the reply as I say, as the doctor walked in and we were off to the room! I was sitting on my own in my cubicle and to see your message was just such a wonderful lift! 

 

So I think I have covered everything. If I have forgot anything will tell you tomorrow. Thanks so much again brother!! I will be praying for you! 

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Well that made for a good read this morning! My thoughts are first it is good that they didn't find anything untoward from the examinations, and second is odd that you still have pain. I suppose that any giggery pokery of the insides can cause unease, but there was still the pain before this which needs to be explained. In time, it will come to light and we will be in the know - so please keep me posted.For now, that those words "in great condition" to your advantage. Whatever is causing the pain is not causing damage from what they know. This is very good....

 

I can understand your mum not wanting to pay for the parking - it is the same down here - even though the hospital is 15 miles away, it is cheaper to come home by taxi than pay for parking. It is so wrong that people have to pay to park whilst visiting an establishement that is funded purely by our tax payments. Like we don't pay enough already! That is like buying food, and then being charged to eat it. I hate politics man...

 

Can well imagine what you felt like in the taxi as well. All the unknown, but as I have said to you before, it is all in the lead up. Once you are in the throws of it all, you just get on with it as there is nothing else you can do. While you are in the taxi, you can ask the driver to stop, to turn around, go home... there is still an option. I remember this when I had my hernia stuff. Over 24 hours in the damn hospital, but I was fine once I was there. Wonderful imagery you speak of too. Just let it be. It is fantastic that you can do this. I think this works better with situational symptoms than not. And it is good to practise. This is why I really want to be getting into more things that will get my anxiety over the last hurdles. But I need to be better with stress and the depression that comes with it....

 

Speaking of which. The first 3 hours of my day was down right scary. I don't remember feeling this bad since the end of last year. I am not quite sure what went on. I felt it coming on yesterday but had to wait it out. I was suicidal as soon as I opened my eyes. I took my meds and just lay in bed and shut myself off from the world. It was so painful. When it got to my first appointment, I do not know where it came from, but I just told myself that I am going to do it. This led on to the second client and then another big shopping trip. I just carried on telling myself there was nothing I could do about it. Kept telling myself that it won't be my forever, although my brain had other ideas. By 9pm it had fully lifted and man, what a relief. I am tempted to say it might be the new remedy that my homeopath has started me on, as the first dose was yesterday - nothing else has changed. I know I have had a few difficult days, but I have not had depression of that magnitude for such a long time. I can't think it was "organic"... that it was "me" that caused it. I hope never to have that again.

 

So, back to the symptoms. Quite scary when you spoke of going to the CT booking and then home by the toilet... please tell me things have improved since we last spoke? Good thing that today was a day off. And how you got a CT scan that quickly is amazing - these things should take ages!! But this is brilliant. Er, how are you will confined spaces? You should be OK as being your stomach, you should go into the scanner feet first. You might have had a CT scan before and be fine with it, but even when people say they are not claustrophobic, being inside a CT scanner is like being buried alive - it is horrible. But mine was my neck up so I was in up to my waist. If it were the other way around and my head was outside the machine - no problem! So this is what you will be... which I am very glad for...

 

Right, I need to rest. Still a bit taken aback by what happened today and very fragile. I will take my special K and read I think... Will be hoping to hear good news from your rest today.

 

Much love brave brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man so last the cramps did improve a bit, enough that I was able to get to sleep. Today it has been much better, after both meals I was ok. Just been a big rest day. I didn't feel great but not anything too nasty, just mentally tired. Don't feel like going out tomorrow to be honest, especially another earlyish start, but it will be good to get the CT scan out of the way. Then I have 3 days off before monday. 

 

We will see what tomorrow shows, I don't want to get carried away with one set of ideas. My specialist said all my symptoms pointed very much to Diverticulitis, so I was really expecting that to come up. It hurts in the exact part of left abdomen that it should and my sequence of bleeding and then two weeks later pain starting is exactly what happens with Diverticulitis. It's hard not to think it the drugs. Especially since I had a very similar situation before in 2014. I lost loads and loads of weight and had plenty of tests and nothing came up. I then stopped the drugs cold turkey (Duloxetine and Sertraline) and suddenly I got better straight away and putting on weight. Strangely I didn't get any real withdrawal effects that time, which was crazy! I went back on the drugs because I got depressed a few months later. I then came off them again a year later and again no withdrawal effects, this time it was slightly slower. But then last summer it was 3rd time unlucky. That was one of the reasons I came off so quickly because as I had got of Dulox twice fine, I didn't think it would be a problem. I then had 8 months of torture even though I went back on it. 

 

I'm so used to top experts looking completely confused and saying they have no idea what is going on. Welcome to the world of drug side effects! What I don't understand is how I can feel so much pain, when everything is literally 'in great condition'! Throw together my lyme and my drug side effects and you can why conventional medicine can't offer me much! 

 

I'm pretty sure I did have a CT last time, in 2014, but will bare in mind what you have to say. Thankful it's not my head though! I'm sorry to hear you had a hernia brother, was that recently? I hope that was all dealt with. I remember you mentioning you also had acid in your esophagus, is that right? 

 

Man I'm sorry to hear about that morning. That is painful to hear. But I must say it sounds like you dealt with it amazingly! That you still got to clients and did the shopping in that state is unbelievable. I'm so so sorry you had to face that but at the same time I'm buzzing to hear you dealt with it so well. That is really inspiring to hear for me. I feel for you so much man, because I can have plenty of days off a week but for you it is so intense. I wish I could swap with you and do your clients for you for a days LOL! But then you would be stuck with my shell, so we both have our crosses to bear. Still I'm not sure how you do it. Our postman has got depression and been off for ages. Really nice guy. So what you are doing is mega heroic man! But I think it probably is maybe good in the sense it gets you out of the flat and shows that the depression doesn't control you. Once you get in that cycle of not going out, it can be very very hard to break. I obviously know this too well!! It's all about finding the balance. I definitely finding getting out really helps, like for example my walk on Saturday, which turned a bad week into a really good one in just 40 minutes! But at the same time, I am very aware to not overdo things and get in those rest days, like today. You've got to give yourself that space, and I am very much a believer in small steps. Then your brain can adapt to the changes, rather than rushing it with too much change. I wouldn't have planned a day like yesterday because it was way too much at once, but I had no choice. Luckily I came through it, but looking forward to Friday and having a proper rest. 

 

Really hope you managed to get a good rest in tonight man! I am thinking and praying for you! Keep up this wonderful work you are doing mentally and being so brave! I hope you can realise you are doing incredible things right now man! I really hope you can feel really proud of yourself, as you definitely should be!! 

 

Love you so much brother!
 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Evening brother....

 

So glad to hear of your improvements physically. Obviously the poking and fasting was destined to have an impact of magnitude, and I think as much rest as possible is on the cards for the weekend. So, obviously I will ask about the CT scan. I know there won't be any results to speak of, but just to know that all went well?

 

I had to look up Diverticulitis as I had no idea what it was. I just hope that all necessary measures have been taken to ensure that a correct diagnosis can be made. Obviously some mistakes are made, but this isn't one of those times!! Speaking of mistakes, I don't think I told you about a friend of mine who had a rare stomach disorder - I forget the details, but he was offered experimental surgery. The letter stated that it had a 70% success to 30% mortality rate. He had to think long and hard about that - and it wasn't easy as you can imagine. Long story short, he opted for it, and it wasn't until he arrived at the hospital that they "confirmed" with him that the understand the 70% mortality rate!!! The WHAT?!? Yes... they had made the mistake on the letter he was given. Can you believe it!!! Unfortunately, his condition persists...

 

The acid I had was all connected with the hernia, and the reason why I had the insane pain was because the acid was leaking into the hernia which overspilled into the base of the esophagus. Hopefully never again.

 

I can't think how frustrating it is not to have any choice of medical relief on this stuff. This is what worries me. I woke up this morning and I was completely exhausted. I then remember having stressful dreams about me being out in my local area and in complete fear that I was stranded from exhaustion. I kept waking/sleeping and having the same thing happen. It was horrible when I woke up and it took a good hour to get things out of my head - and again, I was completely shattered all day. I only had one client, but I felt very anxious because I was worried that I wouldn't have energy to do anything. I really am running low on resources here man. I can't take much more. My evenings were once time to recuperate, but all I can do now is panic about what the morning will bring, and how I will cope. It is stress feeding stress. I had an hour of meditation last night which led to an easy getting off to sleep, but clearly my subconscious had other ideas. I will meditate again this evening - I know it won't happen overnight, but it is really hard to keep going. Sorry for the downer, but it's been too long like this and I am worried I cannot break the cycle.

 

Anyway. I am keeping going. I am not sure what else I can do. I really need my therapy to start - hopefully 8 weeks, but of course that clashes with Christmas, so we are probably looking at the New Year, but it would be great to get started beforehand. We'll see...

 

Hope to hear of some rest from you today brother - and thanks for bearing with me during my down time here. I really want to support you as best I can during your week, and my thoughts and prayers continue...

 

Love you man...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so like you I am exhausted here but very relieved that I now have some days off! Today was pretty tough in terms I felt on the edge of cracking through exhaustion. I have pushed myself way too much these last few days but obviously I had no choice. I woke and was thinking to myself I'm just too knackered but I pushed myself through. Once I was there it didn't help there was the radio playing where I was waiting. I had to drink this solution and then wait for an hour, and of course the radio was on the whole time!! Then I went to get changed and again was waiting for ages but at least this time without the radio! Finally I went through and it took 5 mins, no more. They injected me with this weird stuff that made me briefly go all hot, they told me that it would do that. Was weird as well that the CT scan machine was talking to me, and in a Scottish accent!! I couldn't understand what it was saying!! I figured it meant breathe out, because it had told me to breathe in! They told me that because I had had to wait so long it meant I produced a better scan. I'm really happy I did it because I haven't had a CT scan all throughout these 8 years I've been ill, so while I doubt anything will come up, I can at least feel I have done everything I can.

 

So difficult to get these things done, because of the bureaucracy, so especially when you have an illness they don't accept like mine! I can't believe I haven't had one yet really considering i have been ill for so long, same with colonoscopy and biopsy. But they think I'm just making it up so won't treat it like a physical illness. It's the same with ME. They treat it as a mental illness, which I can say is rubbish. I know clear scientific evidence for this. I can point you in it's direction. Yet the NHS make people do graded exercise, which is a disaster. My naturopathic therapist was telling me about this girl with ME who they smashed down her door down and sectioned her, despite her mothers protests. Then she died once home from being pushed too much physically in graded exercise. Another person she told me drowned in a swimming pool. Sorry to be so dark, but is important people know the truth about how terrible people with ME get treated in this country. The NHS actually goes against the latest science on ME and Lyme and unfortunately it has terrible consequences. Thankfully there are some very good independent doctors who are very kind and charge not much who look after us. My naturopathic therapist runs everything for me for free, only when we force her money will she accept. She is just a lovely person and passionate about helping people left behind by the system. My NHS doctor was saying 'how much do your tests cost' and 'you have to be careful when you have chronic fatigue because you get desperate', implying my people were frauds. But how can she be a fraud if she does it basically for free? My main Lyme doctor will stay for maybe 3 hours but only charge for one. They have no interest in money, and both have very high qualifications. Anyway your are not alone in being treated so horrifically by the NHS. Though take nothing away from what you have faced, which I've said before is one of worst things I have heard in my life. The fact you haven't given in is truly astonishing brother. My mum comes from a very alternative medicine background and so she was always almost ridiculed by the system. And yet she was right all along!! It was the Lyme not just a mental health issue and she was always adamant about this! I wasted years of treatment but you can't live in the past. If I let the bitterness foster I wouldn't matter if I got better because I would not be free, I would be stuck in past. You can't move in life if you are like that. It all part of a bigger spiritual picture. You can't look at things in isolation. I believe and trust in the plan! What happens is all part of the plan, that is how I live my life now. I am spiritual being just having a human experience. This world isn't everything. There is this Buddhist story about a guy who goes up to heaven to learn some wisdom over tea. When he comes back down to earth 50 years have passed. It is a metaphorical tale, but still it captures how small this life is in the bigger picture. 

 

Really sorry to hear again about your morning brother. I have been up around when are getting up last few days and I have been think of you and sending over so much love! I know it must be so hard being in this cycle, but you can and will break it. I did and that means you definitely can!! These things always seem impossible until you achieve them. Stress is something you can treat very effectively through mindfulness and mediation. I was telling my dad about the taxi journey to hospital on Tuesday and how my meditation saved the day for me and stopped me falling into a horrific depression. I was saying how meditation and mindfulness has completely changed my life. He then said to me 'and you have done this all on your own right?' and I said 'yeah'. Just reading and practice. I haven't had a single session with a teacher. I'm trying to big myself up at all but show you what is possible. I know you can reach this state man. It does take time and patience. But all good things in life that really last do. I have personally already seen a big transformation in how you react to things. Like that Friday with your sister and the NHS, plus yesterday when you saw your clients despite the depression. Then there was that time in the car when you were in traffic and had some anxiety and dealt with so well. These are all really recent exciting steps brother! Trust me from the outside it is really exciting to see and also very clear how well you are progressing. Of course I'm so hurt about these mornings but overall I am really hopeful for you. Just imagine where you will be in 6 months time with 3 months more meditation in the bank? And then another 3 months? The only reason I came on this forum regularly was after 6 months of reading about facing fears in a context of mindfulness. Same with leaving the house. I really brought into the teachings and thought 'ok I have to put this into practice'. But I done things very slowly. When I first left the house it was one house down the street and then the next day two, then maybe another day two, then the next day three houses down. Now 7 months of that I did 40 minutes saturday. You might feel like you are standing still or even going backwards at times but in reality you are not. You are making great progress and all the meditation you are putting in and the mindfulness you are showing will bear fruits. As I say from the outside I can see really great steps at the moment. Really really proud of you brother! 

 

Also man don't worry about the dream because I have stuff like. I had that dream about going down that alley which gave me a bad feeling about it and then one of the next times I was there I was abused! My worst fears had come true!! But it was liberating because I dealt with it fine. Now I had faced such a big fear and come through it, the fear has much less control over me. Fear and reality are different, that's the thing! I actually enjoyed the abuse because it gave me so much confidence to overcome it. Again I know I always say it, but i am spiritual being, so why should earthly stuff, like my appearance being mocked bother me? As I told you a priest I was reading said he prayed to be embarrassed every day. I know it isn't easy at all to see things through this lens of spirituality and it does take time but it can be done. When I meditate I sometimes feel like I am flying over me looking down on my body. It sort of makes that distinction - I am spirit and that is my shell for my earth experience. I hope that makes some sense brother. Again as I say not easy but it will come!! 

 

Keep going man and we are in this together! I will be praying and want to do anything I can to help! You are doing awesome stuff at the moment! So inspired!! 

 

Love you so much brother 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Evening brother...

 

Some news to report today of horrific depression.. again. It is not letting up this week at all. I forgot that I was supposed to stop the homeopathic remedy, so I have move them out of the way to remind me. I know I have had a rough patch, but I have had nothing like this since my Cymbalta withdrawal. It is that bad. I took a dose of my special K to bluff the reality a bit hoping I would feel better to work. Shortly after, the mental health team called, the crisis one, not the community. I was so out of it as I hadn't eaten and they called me on it and asked what I had done. So rather than admit that I had taken Kratom, I told them that I had taken too many valium... the next thing I know they had called a damn ambulance out for me!! I had no idea and it really freaked me out. I explained that I was fine, but they checked my vitals all the same - which of course were textbook. But this didn't help one bit. I then had to scarf some breakfast, pop a valium (just one!) and head out for 5 hours of clients. 

 

Ironically, as soon as I was out and about, the depression lifted - at one stage, it was gone completely for about 2 hours! It then came back a little and is in the background still. There must be something about being in my head too much. I am sure being with the wife for so long isn't helping me as she has really had bad anxiety and ocd for the last couple of weeks and all she does is speak negatively about everything. Now that I write this out, this has to be a huge factor. These mornings need to stop man. I was right on the edge again today for about three hours. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it felt like a week. Aside from the stress of the medics, today was purely depression. No anxiety whatsoever, and next to no stress. Physical symptoms were also fine. I am sure if this carried on, the depression would lift, but each day brings its own issues.

 

And speaking of which, I do not know how you kept it together through all your rushing around. What you have been through this week is more that anyone should be able to take, let alone someone like yourself. That would have been barium that you will have drunk and it does feel really odd when you do drink it. Just the funny dye stuff that shows up under x-ray. And why on earth was a ct scanner talking in a scottish accent?! That is crazy. No disrespect to the scottish of course, but most things like that are by default to use estuary English, or newsreader speak as it is called, purely as this is an accent which is heard all over the UK and is considered the most clearest of dialects. Interesting fact considering my line of research, so thanks for sharing that!! LOL

 

Going back to what you were saying about illnesses not being known, the medics today were looking at my previous notes from the last 12 months and couldn't believe how many crews have been out. They questioned my seizures and thought I was epileptic. How many times I have explained pseudo seizures I cannot recall, but how can people not be aware of it... So if you do not loose consciousness, then it is not a seizure! NO!!! I still do not have control of my body dammit! It makes me feel like a fraud and I get so annoyed by it all and frustrated, so if this is anything like you feel, then my goodness, you have my every sympathy. 

 

Oh, and how wonderful your respective workers are for your conditions. If only I could find one who could work with my seizures like that!!

 

I really need to get into your way of approaching depression. I did another hour of meditation last night and the stressful dreams did not happen which was great. I had another depressing dream instead! So that is why it was there as soon as I woke. I will keep going at this and hopefully it will keep the stress and anxiety at bay which in turn will let the depression go. But I am still bewildered as to how it has gone on this long, and why after almost 2 weeks is it getting suddenly even worse. This is not how it goes for me. It builds up over a few days, and then I can spend a week or so climbing back out, but I am still falling into this damn hole - something is not right - which again, is why I am questioning this homeopathic remedy. Will see what the weekend brings. 

 

Sorry, bit one-sided again from me as I really need your help on getting on top of this depression. I am worried for the weekend and the extra time of not working and being in the presence of the wife for the extra time!!!

 

Thanks as always for listening/reading and putting up with me!!

 

Love you so much brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi my brother, firstly it you who puts up with me!! With all my weird theories and rants!! Always say exactly how you feel and hold nothing back with me, always there for a call, text, or PM as you know! The more you talk about it, the more it will help. Obviously I'm really gutted to hear about what you are facing but at the same time I do enjoy our relationship so much. I just want to do everything I can to help. 

 

It was weird because just before I opened up your post i had this feeling 'ah man IUN's had a tough day' and then obviously unfortunately the feeling was right. I could be a coincidence or could show how closely we are aligned. Definitely a lot of synchronicity and intuition between us for sure. Like your text the other day. 

 

I must admit I was reading your message and then saw you say you did 5 hours of clients after that morning and i was like WHAT!!! That is just totally beyond words! So much bravery, courage and heart it is unreal! But please man try and take it easy this weekend. I suppose you are going to your friend tomorrow? At least that will be an opportunity to get out of house. Are your parents back? Because you could always visit them as well maybe? Again to check a change of scene. 

 

I really feel for you about your wife, that is such a difficult issue. My mum was in your position in that I used to go on and on about my problems and was so negative and she just couldn't deal with it. She told me 'if I am going to look after you, I can't be ill as well'. Eventually I got the message and understood I was dragging her down. I really hope your wife can adjust like I did. In terms of your situation I would probably suggest to try and be detached as best as possible. Feel sympathy and compassion but don't get drawn into it. Just let it wash over you and be still. Nothing on your scale but I can get stressed living with 4 people at times and the house can be claustrophobic and I feel like breaking but I just try and be as still as possible. Just take a breath and detach myself from the situation. A bit like I'm just looking over the room, not really emotional in it. 

 

I'm sorry about this depression. You will get through it brother and it is just a phase. Depression never lasts forever. It will lift. Keep coming on here and chatting through it all everyday, as that will be doing a lot of good work subconsciously. It's a really horrible time for you but it's just about getting through it. As much as possible just try and float. Take a bake seat and just things happen to you but don't get drawn into it. I know it's tough but it will really help. Remember every day is different and we are always in flux, continuous change. Good times come and go and bad come and go. It's just the rhythm of life. The more we can just let it be, the less it is an emotional roller coaster. Of course in heaven this would have just seemed like a blink of an eye but it is a very different picture down here, I know all too well!! Just try and remember the bigger picture as well. You are here as work placement, holiday, dream, trial - however you want to phrase it. There is a plan behind this, this isn't home. All will make sense once in heaven. But for know it is just trusting in the process and having that acceptance of the journey we have been sent down to take. Even in such a difficult state as your in you are helping your clients, people on here and definitely me! What an rock you have been for me this week brother! All of that support despite you having such a bad week! You have make my week so so much better than it would have been, i can guarantee that brother! I don't know what i would have done this week without your support to be honest!! So can you see that even in such a difficult phase you are giving so much to world? You have such a purpose even in this awfully tough spell! I can clearly see you have been sent to help me through these tough moments for myself, no doubt about that. I just hope I can give back something after all the amazing love and support and strength you have given me. So I again I will say you have been absolutely invaluable to me this week and I hope that can give you some silver lining knowing just how much you have helped your brother despite your difficulties. 

 

I'm not suffering like you but definitely feel both an emotional and physical whip lash, after the fasting and then hospital twice in 3 days! I slept almost 10 hours and then went back to bed pretty soonish. Right now feel incredibly flat, agitated, annoyed, irritated. At nothing in particular but just a sensation of feeling restless and annoyed. My left hand is really got this sort unpleasant feeling. Just feels edgy and uncomfortable. This often happens on rest days, just feeling really flat. But i need the rest 100%. Also the barium has affected me worse than the laxatives they gave me for the colonoscopy! Again these rest days for me are starting to become very frustrating, too tired to do anything but unable to enjoy the rest. Still I have a good book, so hopefully that should help tonight! 

 

So much love I am sending your way brother. I would suggest what works for me in these situations is what I have said - 1. Just try and observe the depression and not let it become you. Just try and detach a bit from following the emotions in, just watch. 2. Remember you are a spiritual being, and remember the bigger picture and there is a plan at work here! Also don't forget just how much you are giving the world - as I have said for me personally you have been truly invaluable support in this massive week I had! I really felt you with me in it brother, your support really did lift me to get through it! From the outside I feel you are doing so well and growing so much! Such a joy to know a soul as wonderful as yours brother! 

 

I will be praying brother. And you know I am always here for you!!

 

Love you so much man

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

LOL - we think we put up with each other!! I don't think we will ever settle that one!! But this is what we are both here for and I really value your words of support. The line at the end of your message "Just try and observe the depression and not let it become you.", I must have read over and over so many times. This is what it is all about. I was talking to my friend this afternoon about this and before I told her what you said, she was saying the exact same thing - along with the fact that she knows I am a control freak and of course it will be difficult for me to let go. Between the two of you, I am very lucky indeed. Loads of kids and pets there today, so it was quite crowded, but having been a friend of the family for almost 10 years, it is very comfortable... and as my friend has myself has been through a very nasty period of stress-induced depression, she knows the score only too well.

 

So - you picked up on my worse day yesterday! I must have been putting out some pretty horrific vibes. But before going back down that road, I am really really pleased to let you know that after the first couple of hours, my day has gone well... at last! Still very fragile, but I will be just content knowing that my brain can behave itself... and tomorrow will be what it will. I really want to get to the point that depression becomes like the sore throat of a virus or something. It's there, it will go, just do what you can and let it be. Why I can do that 90% of the time with anxiety and 10% of the time with depression I do not know. I guess it is because I have overcome anxiety before, but never had depression before 18 months ago.

 

Regarding the wife, it has now been over a week since she has set foot outside and it is really taking its toll on both of us. Her anxiety has got really really bad and I know it will only be overcome when she starts going outside again. She didn't have her counselling this week and now she is talking of giving it up. It is worrying. My progress if very much linked to hers. It is like I am attached be a massive elastic band, the closer I get to my progress, the more difficult it becomes, then a small trip and I am pinged right back again. We really need a plan, but she just cannot see a way forward. This evening she is having breathing difficulty. The special K helps but I do not want her to become reliant on that rather than adopting skills to overcome it. It really is a lot of pressure on me. As I have said before, your mum is an angel for what she does - obviously you do your bit as you have said, and I know she is your mum and all that, but there are so many that would just let their offspring get on with it - too fearful for what might come of it, the expense and so forth - but she is clearly in it for the win having been with you over the last few years. 

 

My parents aren't back until Monday, otherwise I would have seen them. This will not have helped this week either. I am used to seeing them most days... and the cat! Without that, it is very much a break in routine. Being in the house completely empty - it can have more of an impact that I perhaps give it. 

 

Emotional whiplash is a very good phrase - makes a lot of sense. There can often be the delayed effects of these things. We hold on and hold on, but sometimes it is too much and it all catches up. It is the resilience that we need to work on. I do hope that your irritability has improved a little today, which no doubt will have aided the depression somewhat. And what with all the barium and other things they have put thru your system having those effects, this will have affected things like your serotonin and cortisol no doubt and it will be wrestling to get things back in check. This is where the rest comes in. My issue this morning was that I was once again so exhausted but restless. Horrible paradoxical feeling. But once I read email, got a cup of tea and so on, it started to lapse. Still not easy trying to get through the waking hours not knowing what I will have the other side. Sometimes we need so much strength and I do not know where it comes from... other than people such as yourself and others on the forum here. So much to be said for our little crowd here. 

 

Anyway - speaking of rest. I am going to get some more meditation hours under my belt... Will look forward to hearing about a long day of rest from you man!!

 

Much much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, really not feeling good this evening. It always happens - I do great exposures, get a buzz and then when I have time of to rest then I feel terrible. I'm used to the pattern and normally pretty accepting of it, but I guess last week was just so intense that the backlash is worse. I mean I pushed myself way too much, but what chose did I have? I had to do the tests didn't I? They offered the CT scan very soon but I thought it would be good to get it down asap. I really can't blame myself but it was much more than I would have taken on in any normal situation. When I was getting the taxi back on Tuesday I felt like my brain was melting the headache was so bad and then I only had 1 day off and was back again at hospital!! My brain just isn't used to what I put it through. I really like to do things steadily as you know, so this really went again my principles this week. I deliberately do things in small steps, so as not to have a backlash like this! Plus all that rubbish in my system, which is so sensitive. The litre or so of barium, the 4mg injection of Midazolam and the Fentayl. Plus the laxatives. The barium has been bad as I say, they said it would cause some extra bowel activity, but I've not felt good since taking it. 

 

I feel like last night but worse. Just so flat and irritated and annoyed. Just like you in fact, exhausted but restless. Today I was just exhausted all day, no spark or vitality. Could only manage a 7 minute walk and even that was very tough to get myself to do. I haven't felt this week for a long time. Even though it makes sense I am weak, it stills is a bit annoying all the same! Just rubs it in that if do stuff, I will be knackered after. Just shows how fragile I am. But I did say last night that I hope my book would help and it definitely did. My brain was buzzing with ideas after reading last night. My brain felt electric. 

 

I get the results on tuesday. That should help, having some clarity. I have no idea what the next few weeks holds for me. Will I need further tests or special treatment? Generally I'm dealing really well with the uncertainty. For example, I won't be going down to the country now because of all this. I don't when I will be free of the tests and even then I will be too tired to enjoy it. Especially as I have to conserve energy for Christmas. But I have dealt well with that. So i think i am handling it well, but at the same time the uncertainty ahead and change of plans will have been stressful, even if I have dealt really well with the stress. To be fair my dad is having a day off work the day before his colonoscopy that is coming up, so if healthy people are doing that, then imagine the fasting plus 2 days in 3 in hospital for my condition?

 

Just noticed as I type I have that agitation and in my left hand again. It really really annoying and frustrating feeling. Just so edgy and equally tired!! Just like you brother!! In sync yet again!! 

 

Man really happy to hear your day was better!! Fantastic! So happy you could enjoy your time with your friend! So she has one cat and one dog, is that right? I am jealous of you!! Really miss my cat and always look at the dogs on walks with dog jealousy! Great description of it being a sore throat and just letting it be and get better in it's own time! Perfect analogy! If you can do it with the anxiety, it will come with the depression for sure. It just takes time. As anxiety is something you are much more used to like you say, it will have been the anxiety which you could apply this to first. I face my depression so different now than I did a while back, so I have no doubts you will do the same. I am know at the point where unless it's really bad, I won't mention it to my parents, where before I would always tell them whenever anything wasn't right. It's not that I'm bottling it up, but more I just let it be and move on, so I genuinely forget to mention it. I might go 'Oh by the way I was feeling quite depressed 2 days ago, did I mention that?'. I know it comes and goes so much, so I once it's gone I'm not even thinking about it. This has been a great change as it means I can just move on and not let the depression affect more than the minimum it needs do. 

 

Right now I'm not really depressed just this weird state of exhaustion and edginess. I not really used to this, so it's a learning experience right now. My left hand is driving me mental LOL!! 

 

Really sorry about your wife. It's sounds like such a rough patch for her and of course then the pressure on you. It does remind me a lot of myself reading about her. Just because it doesn't seem like she is making progress, doesn't mean she isn't near a breakthrough. It's the chaos theory - just a small change can make a system behave completely differently. I wish I could do more to help, but as you said before she has to figure it out herself. She had the bravery to face up and go to therapy, which was a big step. I was surprised when you told me that. If can I help in any way let me know brother. But remember how long things took me. Obviously I'm an extreme example and also I have major health problems which gave me a very valid reason not to go out as well. But I am proof that things do change! I will be praying for her. 

 

Hope your meditation went well brother! I will head to my book in the hope it works like last night! You are doing so so well man! Buzzing to hear about your better day! Thanks for the inspiration man! Really buzz off your strength!! 

 

Love you so much brother!

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hello Scrat, I found out that if I take the Valium two. Hours earlier, the morning shit disappeared for the most. I got to wake myself up, Valium and water on the night table, go back to sleep and see. Workx for me. Lovage.

[invalidusername]

Thanks Gailage! I have done the valium thing in the morning and it really messes with my head unfortunately... but if I want my "morning shit" to disappear, I think I will take some of that stuff that LDN was given for his fasting

 

Lovage!!

[invalidusername]

Evening brother...

 

I know that feeling you speak of well, and it reminds me of something I read that the Buddha once said... that suffering was as a result not of upsetting circumstances, but wanting to hold on the good and running away from the bad. Of course you pushed yourself and of course you had no choice. Keep telling yourself that as this was going to happen to some extent to anyone in the same situation, just as you mention your dad taking some time off in preparation for this own trip. Small steps is something that I need to do myself and take a leaf out of your book. I can never get the balance right. I am always overdoing it when things seem to be going right for any length of time.

 

The exhausted and restless is just horrible and so sorry that you went through that. But at least you upped your walk time today - that is good, and I hope that after my text you did indeed have a good rest. I have done the same today. It has not been the easiest day as I have spent all day inside - despite the good weather. My mood has been up and down, but nearly as bad as earlier in the week. I keep getting moments where I blame myself for being inside all day, but it was largely due to the fact that my head problems have started up again. I do not know this is a result of stopping the homeopathic remedy, but with the depression lifted, it is preferable. I need to see what happens over the next couple of days and try the remedy again. It really upsets me that it can still be going on and it really does disable me feeling so weak and dizzy. I know I am talking to the right person about all this in you brother, and glad you can understand. It is always one thing or the other!!

 

I think you have/are handling the current situation extremely well. How you have held on through it all is remarkable. I sincerely hope the severity of the emotional whiplash is at its peak with the weekend and recovery resumes. I am usually 2-3 days before it hits the fan! There is always that honeymoon period where you think you have got away with it!! LOL. Again, I never get it quite right. 

 

So results are on Tuesday - will be waiting to hear the news. Try your best not to think anything about this... there is absolutely no knowing. And again, the country will always be there - remember what we spoke about a few days ago. You have conquered this in the fact that you are wanting to return. Huge achievement man. If I had told you this a few months ago after your Ketamine treatment, no way would you have believed me!! Oh, and I am not even thinking about Christmas at the moment! I can't believe how quickly this year has gone. Seems only a little while ago I Was stressing over the Christmas shopping!!

 

This left hand stuff is very strange, but agitation and restlessness can occur anywhere as we know. But its always been leg or forearms with me, never anything that specific. Does it cure at all if you move it around? Or stretch it?

 

I had those strange stress moments again this morning. No sooner had I started my meditation and I was asleep! So I didn't get much more than a few minutes. I just remember waking up about an hour later and taking my earphones out and falling asleep again. I am really getting annoyed with it. I have never known anything like it before. But it is for sure stress. My neighbour had her friend over and you can hear him through the floorboards - that coupled with my wife clearing her throat every few seconds (OCD) I was getting so stressed out. But why I have this horrible stress-induced dreamstate in the early morning I do not know. It is SO uncomfortable. I could get up and read and a cup of tea, but I start nodding off again and it happens again. I don't have to be fully asleep - just semi-conscious. But the thoughts I have can be ANYTHING, and I find it stressful. Just that I am thinking about whatever it is makes me so uncomfortable. I really do not understand it, but it sets my day off on such a bad start. I will do some meditation soon after this message I think, and then again before bed, then I know I have some in the bank if I do fall asleep again.

 

Right - sorry for that last rant! Look forward to hearing how your rest was today... let's have the details!!

 

Love you so much brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother. So sorry about another difficult day! I had a feeling things would be good today, so hopefully I was just a day or two out and you have some good days ahead very soon! I know it sounds weird but I do often get some sort of intuition about how your doing. I know this is tough man but I have to be honest I have this really good feeling within for you. When I was on my walk I was thinking about you and just felt really positive about you. I know this is a horrible patch but from the outside I am seeing such growth in the way you react to things. This stuff took me literally years and for you it is coming so quickly!! The mood will pick up and you will go back to those good days you had, but know you will go back with extra skills learnt in this period. In the rougher patches it is the best learning ground. I know it feels weird for me say I feel good energy from you, considering the situation, but I really do man. I have tell you I do feel this strongly. You are making cracking progress and I finding really exiting. I think how you are dealing with this tough period is real progress as well. You staying positive and trying to meditate and that is fantastic. You have said you are a control freak and also you are an academic so you like to know answers, and yet all the same you are making such good progress with acceptance and letting go. Much quicker than I did!! I think you have such a deep spirituality and that is so unusual to have such spiritual wisdom. You know why we are here and or at least as much we can know, as that is something we are so lucky to have! Knowing there is a bigger picture and this isn't all there is! 

 

I was talking about the chaos theory last night and then I had an example of it just after posting! I went to read and got through 20 minutes but suddenly just felt like listening to music, despite feeling so exhausted all day! It was the first time for a week as well! I managed to get 2 hours in! 

 

When I asked my Lyme doctor about why I couldn't listen to music for ages and then just suddenly can without warning, he said it was the chaos theory. He is academic mathematician as well as a doctor! He said even though what happens to me seems really bizarre, it makes complete sense to him if you apply the chaos theory. You probably know about it, but as I mentioned last night it is basically a very small change can make a system behave completely differently. An example is the thought experiment of the butterfly affect, where the the flap of a butterfly wings can be an initial condition that then leads to a tornado. It is apparently based on research that shows very small changes in a weather model can produce completely different weather some time later. Basically tiny changes in complex systems can cause huge effects. My Lyme doctor says this applies to the brain, which is obviously a massively complex system. I find it such a hopeful concept because all might need is something tiny to happen and then you have this massive phenomenon. I can't listen to music for months and then suddenly out of the blue I can for over an hour and seemingly nothing had changed. Anyway sorry for going on about that but i have been thinking about it a lot recently. I'm a massive beginner but I love quantum physics, and this is a slightly similar area. I would spend ages chatting to my doctor about his stuff even though he was just meant to be treating the lyme, not be a physics tutor LOL!! It was him who got me into NDE's as well!! 

 

Sorry to hear about you blaming yourself again. I keep on saying it and I mean it 100%, you are doing insanely well right now!! I of course understand the blaming yourself stuff, as I have gone through it but equally I forget you don't necessarily see things from the outside like I do - so I am like 'YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!!'. I'm here just buzzing off your strength and so it's so sad to hear you not being able to acknowledge how incredibly well you are doing! Try as best you can to be self compassionate man, imagine if you talk to others as do to yourself! Your showing me so much love and encouragement man and bring that energy to yourself! Why aren't you nice to yourself, if you are nice to me and all the others on the forum? You know what I mean? Trust me, I know it isn't easy but my therapist has gone on massively about it!! She literally told me once my homework was simply to be self compassionate. Nothing else. She has made a massive point out of it. Also it is a big thing in Buddhism as well, self compassion. I just try and imagine when talking to myself, would I say this to anybody else? If I wouldn't then, why should I say to myself? Bringing compassion to world means bringing compassion to ourselves as well! I mean for you stay in today is actually you just pacing yourself and not pushing yourself. You had a week of work and then yesterday you went to your friends with the kids and animals!! You needed a day off man!! Next time your being harsh to yourself think would I say this to LDN? That's how it clicked for me. One day I was like 'I would never talk to anybody else like this, so why is it ok to do it to myself!'. It was a lightbulb moment. Imagine me every time you are being tough on yourself popping into your head 'saying NO IUN not today!. You are doing great!!'. 

 

Yeah my left hand just seems to be fine once I stop typing, just part of the agitation I think. Today I just slept a lot! Woke up and it was nearly dark, then 13 minutes walk as I told you and then back to sleep. I had a good night last night so that sort set the tone I think. Another day off tomorrow as well! Still recovering a bit from the barium though I think! 

 

Was so lovely to see your name pop up on my phone as I was on my walk - just brought me such good energy!! Thank you so much for everything brother! You are helping so much, I can't put it in words!! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother....

 

You weren't too far out as today was a bit better. I still woke up very stressful, but having read up further about our condition of delayed sleep phase syndrome, it appears that, much to what others have suggested, our cortisol (and all other associated productions) are delayed to suit. I have thought this for a long time - I mean why wouldn't it be out of whack if we don't feel sleepy until much later? But I have found a new publication which evidences this. This therefore explains that when I wake earlier in the morning that I feel much better. People would then say - you have found a cure for your issues then!! Just go to bed earlier! But even if we could "just" do that, the clock would soon catch up and the chemicals would do exactly the same thing. 

 

Therefore, what I think is happening here, is that due to all the stress that is going on, my "morning" cortisol levels are pushing it to breaking point because the only stressful/anxiety times are about 1-2 hours before I am fully awake during the hypnagogic state. Never occurs during REM sleep. I hope that it will just dissipate on its own as the stress sorts itself out - not sure what else I can do. 

 

However, the rest of the day went just fine - over 4 hours of out and about which involved a shopping trip and popping by to check on my friend who's mother is in hospital. Very exhausted after all that thou. Hopefully that won't cause too much of an issue tomorrow. And you are right that I will be taking skills back from this dip and hopefully put things better into practise the next time. Being a control freak and an academic really has its downside in such circumstances as I become a perfectionist and always like to know what is going on - in fact I will rarely rest until I do know. Hat is the same in this respect as he too had his head in academia.

 

I don't know much about the chaos theory outside of the butterfly anecdote that you mentioned, but it is one of those things that has always caught my attention, but there is just not enough time in the day to do everything, but that said, I did find myself talking to one of my clients about Buddhism today! That's all your doing man! You introduced to me it, and now I am talking to people about it! So with your music, is it the case that you are to just listen to it when you get these moments? Is that an indication that it can - and will - improve if you adopt this approach? 

 

Sounds like your Lyme doc is one of these academic types as well you are in it just for the pleasure of discovery and of course, the helping of other people.

 

Speaking of which - something that really upset me this evening when I was shopping. I was walking down by the chilled section and I could see this really short old lady reaching for something off a high shelf. As I approached, I saw so many people just walk right past and pay her no mind, despite clearly seeing she couldn't reach what she was after. So I put my basket down and help her get the pasty she was after. I mean... how can people be so damn cruel. What would she have done otherwise? People will just assume that a Tesco worker will come along and help, but how wrong is that?! Or am I just too sensitive? 

 

Thanks for pointing out the self-compassion... AGAIN!! You are right - of course you are. I really cannot see it. Just one day of the week - and a nightmare week at that. People take time out - I need to be aware of that. Picturing what I would say to you, and vice versa is a good idea. We are so rarely aware of what we put ourselves through because of this!

 

Anyway - how has your Monday been? Still awaiting the news tomorrow... How is the stomach etc? Has it continued to get better with less discomfort etc? Hope you also didn't feel too compelled to break the 13 minutes just because it was another day today!!

 

Love you so very much man...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so I might have sent you a slightly long PM, slightly being a massive understatement LOL! As a said basically a novel LOL!!! 

 

So yeah today was tough as you know. Last night I listened to music again, so that was 2 days in a row. That was a good achievement, but I lost track of time and overdid it and then went to bed too late and stressed. I totally messed up my timings. Finding it really confusing just having this urge to listen to music and then having to restructure my evening. Then woke up not feeling great and then heard about my p doc 6 month maternity leave and as I said just went into meltdown. I was soon in floods of tears and spiralled into a really horrible pain and depression. I have felt terribly depressed ever since, was just a massive shock to me. It will take a long time to come to terms with it. Plus on top of the stress of last week and then the stress of seeing the specialist tomorrow and I'm not sure how I am surviving. I feel a combination of really awful depression, the worst for ages and massive exhaustion. Hearing that news was the straw that broke the camels back, I was too weak to deal with something like that right now. 

 

Really happy your day went better, that is wonderful to hear! How lovely of you to check in on your friend whose mother is in hospital! 4 hours out in amazing man!! Also great you have found out the reason for the mornings. I think you are right once the stress levels come down, then it will dissipate. Also great you could talk to one of your clients about Buddhism - fantastic! I've told before I think my osteopath for my bad back is Buddhist, so we have all these wonderful chats. It's like a double session - half spiritual therapy and half osteopath! She was the one who leant me books on Buddhism. A really lovely lady. As I told you she wants to treat me more regularly because she said I had a lot of tension in my body which will be using up lots of energy. So should be seeing more of her next few weeks, which will be fun! 

 

Totally on your wave length about that poor elderly woman, and well done for helping her. It's sad that people are like that, so self absorbed. In there own worlds and just not connecting with there surroundings and fellow beings. I would have thought that was a London issue, but obviously sadly not. I'm deeply sad to hear that. I was brought up to always help others and then reading Jesus just reinforced that. It is scientifically proven that helping others makes you more happy as well. There is quite a lot of research on it. Just further shows how lucky I am to have you brother, someone with such a kind and loving soul. After all you have been through, you could have turned to negativity but no you have stayed an amazing person. That is a testament of what an special guy you are brother. It is so nice to have someone on my wave length, as my reaction would been have exactly the same as yours!! 

 

Ok man sorry again for so much words to read today!! I feel bad for writing so much but I did get hit so bad today. I feel really scared right now, i haven't this bad a depression state for a long time. But I trust in God's plan! 

 

So much love brother!! 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother sorry for more info but just a quick update so you can hear the news tonight. So basically the CT scan showed up a foetal overload in the colon. This explains basically all my symptoms. Cramps etc. However I must admit I'm absolutely gutted, as was secretly hoping it was something more serious that might has links to my fatigue. I was really hoping to for something out of the blue to come up that might after being treated mean I have more energy, especially as last week he mentioned things along those lines. It gave me false hope.

 

I am still very struggling with the news from yesterday. I had a full on break down in the car on the way back. Crying like mad and shaking. Felt like ripping my skin off. This was depression at it's worst. How can something hurt so much? Man the pain this depression was giving me was just on another level. I wanted off the world and fast. Felt so suicidal. Can't take this life much more. So weak and so much mental pain. I'm so lonely, I'm so ill and want to go home. Every single time there is any hope of way out of this, it leads to nothing. I can't take it. 

 

Man this depression, how can something hurt so much? I was just shaking and crying uncontrollably in the car. I feel despair for my life, but above all just indescribable mental pain. I'm just holding on. 

 

Sorry for this man. I hope your day went well. 

 

I love you so much brother! 

[invalidusername]

Hey brother... I need to check right in with the depression before anything. Hopefully you will have seen my PM already. This level of depression is ruthless and the timing of it is just... I don't know where the words are. But right off the bat - I am here for you. Whatever you are thinking, if you need that line to someone who has been through this, then do it. PM, text, call. I am here. You know I am up late, so even if it is early in the morning, I can still talk. Phone is often silent, but I am always checking it!

 

Time is the healer in these situations, but I know just how vulnerable you will be to the circumstances and that is why I want to make it perfectly clear that I want to be here to help you through this. I feel so much for you. I've said it already but I will say it again, our meeting was no accident. Not saying I will be the saving grace or anything (!), but I am just so glad that I can be with you and metaphorically holding your hand through this shadow of pain. I'll do all I can.

 

Regarding the news, on some level it is a good thing that it isn't too serious, but I can understand your upset that it had no bearing on your physical condition. Then again, once cleared up, there may be rebound factors that may improve the situation. I cannot say and don't want to suggest false hope, but again, a question of time. So do you know what is involved from here on?

 

You have also got something of a PM to go through, so I won't go on too much, although, I think it is a good thing to talk as much as you want to at this point, so however much you want to write and have me reply is just fine. It's what I am here for. 

 

I am glad to say that my stress dreamstate wasn't there this morning! Finally! My brain did however sabotage this success with a chorus of "ok, that might have gone, but your life still sucks"! So had a bit of follow up depression and general feeling of flat, but nothing that I couldn't deal with and get on with my day. 

 

So a last word on your situation for now.... and that is a repeat of my PM. Don't hold this in. It needs to come out. If the forum, PM and my phone is the only way it can, then DO IT. Don't hold back. Nothing you said in your PM in any way shocked, surprised or made me think any different. I know I only have 10 and something years on you, but that has been some experiences there I can tell you, and if these can help you, then this is what I want. If my suffering can be put to good use in helping you, then all the better. Lets both find some positive in this.

 

So much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man I sent you a PM. My head is spinning but the depression has calmed slightly. A lot of tears have been shed today!! Oh wow!! 

 

Really happy to hear about stress dreamstate not being there! 

 

I think my basic treatment is just laxatives (GREAT!!) and changing my diet. 

 

Sorry for being short tonight brother! 

 

Thank you so much for everything!! We are in this together! That is for sure! We are sharing this journey together! 

 

I will continue to pray for you!

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

So glad the depression has calmed slightly. I honestly through the edge might come off quite quickly, but that doesn't deplete my resources in being here for you... that will always remain.

 

It'll be an equally short one from me here tonight as I would like to write more on the PM and it has been a bust forum evening here for me and I still need to get some of my thesis draft done as supervisor is waiting!

 

Overall, today was good. I'd go as far as saying a normal person good!! LOL. No idea where it came from, but I don't question it! Had a lot of lethargy when I woke, but it then hit me when the wife bought the tea in. "Have you been cutting back on my sugar darling?"... "No, we ran out a couple of days ago". I know it is only 1 sugar, and two cups of tea before I get moving, but with all the stress that I have been going through, glucose levels will be depleted, so no wonder I have been feeling run down in the morning! I am going to try adding a little more each morning to see where this takes me.

 

Oh, and the wife has caught a cold, so that will be just great timing. But tell me... how does an agoraphobic get a cold?! Unless I bought it in, but given my state, I'd have it too! Right, over to the PM screen. See you there.

 

Much love brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother so I have sent over a PM. Firstly, man I am buzzing to hear about your day!! Amazing! I did tell you I felt good feelings about you!! Oh man I am so happy for you! It shows you how quickly it can change!! We have to remember that in the tough moments!

 

I woke ok, then saw the p doc. It went fine, but obviously I'm still coming to terms with her being away for 6 months on maternity leave. We discussed the practicalities of that. She said she had someone lined up while she was away. Not ideal but it is what it is. I am really happy for her though! 

 

Didn't feel great coming back, but once home this depression started to hit and it got worse and worse. Soon I was in such a terrible state. I was just out of it. I found moving hard as the tension was so much in my body. I could breath but it felt like I was suffocating, it was a horrible sensation. I felt like sort of paralysed with mental pain. Managed to lie down and get in my siesta and that helped a lot. Feel very fragile and scared tonight, but I'm trying to not overthink and just be present. The PM made a massive difference. This depression I get is just on another level at times. I didn't think I was capable of feeling such mental pain after doing so well for so long. This was the worst since the week of the Ketamine probably. 

 

I have worked out what I caused it. I have overdone it, with last week. My p doc said it was like a marathon for me. Even before last week things have been so hectic with exposures. But last week and then the stress early this week did for me. I have just been all out for so many weeks. I have no regrets as I had to go to hospital last week. But my brain is just too overwhelmed with everything. Man I just can't think straight right now! 

 

Thanks again for listening brother! I am so extraordinarily grateful!!

 

Love you so much man!! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Evening brother...

 

So glad the p doc appointment went well, and I do think that once the 6 month period is under way you will get more accustomed to it. It is good that she has found someone to cover her work - she must have a very high opinion of whoever it is to entrust them with her clients. 

 

I think it was the stark contrast between being there and then being at home that bought about the depression. Again, it is like the exposures, something tells me that you wouldn't have let it show in the session with the p-doc this time... for many reasons, and that it was there wanting to come out and it was when you got home that it found its opportunity. I might be wrong, but that it how this stuff works as you well know and from an outsiders perspective, it might be what you need. 

 

Of course there is no doubt again that the timing was all off on this. Just like my Mum's birthday 2 days after the mental health team "bombshell". These things are no respecter of time and tide my brother. They happen when they will... but it can't rain all the time.

 

I sincerely hope that you get some time all to yourself and that nothing outside of your usual routine gets in the way so it gives you time to recover. I foolishly took a little too much on today. I only had one client, but I was worried that I would have too much time with my thoughts and being at home with the wife, it might have been too much. It was then that a relatively big job came through that I knew would take a couple of hours, so I just went ahead and did it... and also the pharmacy to get the wife's prescription of valium. I am a bit wired now and need to calm down. Even typing I am going way too fast. I am sure I just saw some smoke coming off my keyboard

 

So, am I right in thinking that today was a free day? So just some meditative garden walking and a potential walk? I certainly hope so. I can well imagine your feeling scared and vulnerable - exactly as I was last week during my depressive stage. But you know that it is purely as a product of having done so much. Simple and purely that. Your resources were on the red line. You were all out. Just the smallest thing would have set you off, but it turned out to be a big thing, so naturally, everything just went overboard. You are doing so well to be dealing with this. Amazingly well. I can only imagine the amount of emotional and mental pain that must have been stacked up - not forgetting the physical pain that kicked the whole exposure thing off! Just chin up, keep doing your normal routine and it will level out, just like you tell me! You know there are greener pastures the other side.

 

I will have to come back to the PM tomorrow I think.. if you don't mind. I really have overdone it and I want to offline my brain for a bit. I could quite easily carry on, and then follow up with some study etc, but this would only take its toll tomorrow. I am practicing learning my limits!

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man sent you a PM. Also no pressure regarding replying man. You have got to look after yourself brother. It's great that you are practising learning your limits, this is what I have been advising you! So well done for that! Especially after the day you had!! 

 

I did manage a 7 minute walk today and then about 9 minutes in the garden but keeping things really simple at the moment. 

 

Huge love to you brother!! 

 

God Bless!