2348 replies to this topic

[gail]

Scrat, wow, what a nice experience that tells you that you are not alone. It's been a long time since I had those dreams. Just beautiful! I love you!

[invalidusername]

Thanks Gailage - it was truly a beautiful experience to behold. It is also nice to know that as well as being watched over, that these wonderful souls are waiting for us in the Summerland... of which I am still feeling a little homesick.

 

Much much love and lovage

[invalidusername]

Evening dear brother...

 

Our shells are such a burden! I am beginning to feel we are so much more than these though. Forgive the analogy, but I feel like I have parked up my Ferrari and gone off for a drive in a Hyundai!! I hope that makes sense! But not saying we feel too good for this body, but that we feel there is more that we are missing. Maybe it is a nudge from Home I don't know. I am trying my best to think that our time on earth is more of a work placement that when at Home is the time equivalent of just that.. a few days. And the purpose of the placement is just as you said, to spread joy and love whilst experiencing what this place is all about. We are here for a job, a purpose, and that is how I am trying to see it. We don't always end up with the perfect job, but it is what we must do. But as I said to Gailage above, it doesn't stop me being homesick!

 

I am glad to say that I woke to much less stress... but mild depression in its place. Again, it was toying with me all afternoon with mood swings. 20 minutes of feeling normal, 20 minutes of low... and so on. But there were no triggers, just like a damn yo-yo! Then when I had a break, I was at home for 45 minutes and as soon as I walked through the door.. 2I have just taken a valium... I hope it kicks in soon... I feel so bad". I felt a sucker punch immediately and it had to stop, so I had to really have it out with the mrs. She keeps breaking me and I can't cope. It took it out of me to have this talk, but it had to be done otherwise I am fighting a war that will never be won.

 

I really understand your perception of depression in the no colour or vibrancy part - very descriptive. We see what is there and know of the capabilities as we have done it before, but it is just lacking. We see black and white where we know there should be colour. Just to put an anecdotal spin on that... I can't remember where I saw it, but there was a young child who asked her father what the world was like without colour. When he asked what she meant, she said that all the old photos he showed her were in black and white, so the world didn't have colour! How wonderful the child's mind is! Such a paradox of intellectual inquiry and naivety. But sorry to hear about your pre-bedtime depression. I am so glad that you can sleep it off - this is where I envy you for having that in place of the morning!

 

Still trying to work out your experimental thinking that left you with depression and peace. I understand what you are saying and it is a very detached way of observing it all and it is great that you can do that. It is very inspirational to me as I can see it is possible and ever since we started speaking on here, the way I think has certainly changed, which is in no small part, because of you.. for which I can't thank you enough. I still suffer with the duality of thinking.. for example when you tell yourself "this will pass", the other voice chimes in and... "yeah, it will pass, but it will only come back some time after". Then you get caught up in the maths of how long does one last before the other and so forth. My head is a disturbed place I can tell you. It is the curse of the academic. I both love my capacity for increased thinking, and loathe it. If only it had an on/off switch!

 

Regarding the mental health team - I forgot one part. When I eventually got a call back from one of the team, she said that they would get the next three dates worked out in advance and let me know when they will be. I asked her when she would tell me these dates, to which she replied she did not know. I asked if she could give me a ballpark, and she said that she would not tell me a time by which she would because it would set me seizures off!! I mean... really. I said I was already stressed for not having the damn dates and you can say you will call by Wednesday and YOU CAN even if you do not have the dates, just call to say you haven't had time and will call back on Friday. At least I know they are on the case. But no. Man they are less than useless. It sucks that they cannot accept yours as a condition. What kind of dumbass excuse is that when there is so much literature on it?! Where does that leave people who do not have funds then? Is there any sort of charity work that you know of? I would hate to think of people like yourself without access to support.

 

Right - need to get organised with a bit more study before dinner. Looking forward to hearing from you,

 

Love you so much brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Not great here. Just had some major major stress. Felt on the verge of complete breakdown. And it was for the stupidest thing. It must be a build up. My physical condition is so unrelenting right now - with all my prior issues plus now a major new problem with my stomach, which is near constant incredibly uncomfortable and painful. However much I detach mentally, it is exhausting my body having to live in such pain. I think this is pushing me to the edge. Just have no resources. I just about to could face the existing issues, but through this major new issue and it's too much. I just can't believe something else has come up!! When will this cycle end!! I just find it hard to believe. I have had 8 years straight of non stop problems and new ones just keeping on coming! What is happening? How can you have this much bad luck? My dad always says to me to finds it hard to believe, and he shakes his head in disbelief. When in 2013 I had just recovered from my OCD, which was this huge and amazing achievement and then got hit with Lyme that summer, that broke me and it just carries on and on. Last summer the withdrawal. Now this stomach. We will see what the tests say, but my doctor said he thought he could be pretty serious, related to my urinary system. He didn't think it was just side effects, from my description. 

 

Anyway the stupid thing that led to the stress was this - I was going to put a new filter in the water cleanser (London tap water is not good for someone ill like me), I threw away the old one, only to not be able to find any new ones where they normally are. I looked for ages and the stress just grew and grew. I feel so paranoid now, with constantly getting new problems. I feel like walking on eggshells. I am so fragile any mistake and ill be made to pay. The pressure of living like this is insane. I was thinking to myself tonight I can't just be reckless about it because I have a family here who need me. I have to be responsible and look after my health as best as possible. I was deeply shocked to feel that level of stress. Really so shocked. And over something so small? As I say it must be the physical discomfort expressing itself. The pain now is moving all over the place. Not just in stomach, but in the kidney area and then in the lower abdomen. I can't keep up with it. 

 

This when I am most vulnerable when I am supposed to be resting. When I do exposures I expect a challenge and so am mentally prepared and switched on and can really tune into my teachings and tools. Like yesterday on the walk, but when I am just mentally meant to be relaxing, something hits and I am not mentally ready to deal with it. It's full on man! The reality is you just can't switch off or I fall apart. I feel we are similar here. I also had to do a stool sample last night, I won't go into the details (LOL!), but it took me an hour and was so stressful, just before bed when I wanted to be reading. My mum was sleeping so she could help me out, so it was all on me. It had to sent off today, and there were so many instructions. I found it incredibly pressurised. I had already had one failed attempt last week as well! 

 

Absolutely we are here for a job! This is what I have in mind when I talk about the 'plan'. We have a particular purpose. I deeply believe this. But we don't know are exact purpose but can get hints. For me I feel sure I am here to spread love - simple as that. My motto to myself is 'Love and the rest is with God'. If I love I am doing my part, doing my job and the whatever happens that is with God. Nice and simple and liberating. I know how much I mean to my family and that in it self is a motivation. Ultimately I can in anyway be helping others then my suffering is worth it, that is my view. I may rant about it like today, but deep down it is worth it. Also if i did agree to this, that makes sense to me as I can't bear to see other suffer and if my suffering can in some way help others, then I would jump at that for sure. This is a concept in Buddhism - Bodhisattva. In Mahayana Buddhism this means someone who has achieved enlightenment but won't rest in nirvana until every soul in the world is free of suffering. Only when there is no suffering left, will they enjoy nirvana. 

 

I see what you are saying about the 'this will pass' thinking and I think that it why the focus on the present is good. Just live in the now. Very hard when things are bad of course. Also as I try and tell myself I have no idea what the future holds, the only thing i know is things will be different - as the world is in perpetual change and so are we as human beings. Since it is completely impossible to predict the future, why waste time even thinking about it. Don't try and hold onto the good moments or run away from the bad - just be there, be present. This approach has certainly helped me. Obviously to some degree you have to make plans, but speculation can be so draining and just feeds the depression. 

 

Sorry for the negativity tonight man! Felt you would understand about the stress! I hope tomorrow goes well! I will be praying! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

My dear brother... I was so upset to read your message this morning, and strange that I felt a strong pull to say another prayer before I slept just for you. It now makes sense. But what caused it, that filter, is not stupid. It is the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Just one thing too many. The mental/physical cycle is such a tough one. We try to break the chain, but somehow it still gets through. It will be so good to get some news about your stomach - whatever that might be - and you can at least then put some understanding behind it. I feel so much for you having endured 8 years of all these issues, and it is times like this when there seems to be no end in sight that we are at our weakest and prone to yet more negative sources.

 

Now you won't believe this, but I have 100% followed in your footsteps today. After all the stuff to do with the Mental Health team, the wife, my work, study and so on, I woke with a really heavy stress, but then remembered I had a skype meeting with my supervisor... over an hour of being completely on the ball and talking clever stuff. I really could n't do it, but it was too late. I had two hours to get myself together, but it jut didn't work. I took a valium and just dived in. I got through it - and very well according to my supervisor, but then I went right back to bed and crashed. I was shaking, stomach pains, head pressure - the lot. I managed to eat very little cereal, but then it just got worse, so I took another valium and an hour later, still no better, so I took another one... an hour later and my body was shaking all over. I just could not calm. I could not hold down any solids and I was getting really worried. This carried on for another 4 hours, at which time I had to call the NHS because I could not eat. They said I just need to do some deep breathing of listen to music... they have no idea!!! They said a doctor would call back within an hour. Almost three hours later.. no call. I have managed a few dry crackers, but nothing else. I am going to try from special K and hope this will help.

 

I can't really say much more as the stress is still there, but I sincerely hope we both come out the other side of this soon.

 

Much love to you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man I'm so so sorry to hear about your day! But incredible you so well with your supervisor!! I am not surprised as I see in you something truly special, as I have said before! A strength of character I can barely believe! You are clearly have deep connection with the divine and express the qualities that really matter in the bigger picture! But I am so sad to hear about such difficulties today, and also it is deeply hurtful to hear. I really hope it picked up after the special K this evening! I will be praying tonight and all the love in my heart is being send to you down south! Remember your Grandad is with you brother! 

 

I had a better day here. Saw my therapist and she was very clear with me that I needed to be much more self compassionate! This really hit home with me. She said I was putting too much pressure on myself. That was what I needed to hear about self compassion. I realised I was being very very tough on myself recently and that was causing a lot of negativity. I then went to two shops on the way home with my mum, which was a good exposure! One of them I hadn't been in before. Both times my waited in the car as I went in alone, so that was cool! Then a friend of my mum briefly dropped in and I had a short chat. Then into my garden for prayers! 

 

Physically still exhausted and my stomach is unrelenting. It is completely draining me being in this constant discomfort. But being compassionate about it I think is going to help. 

 

I have my ME doctor tomorrow, so early start. He is near Watford so an hour drive there and an hour back. It is going to be tough. Mate I'm dreading it as I type right now! I just feel so tired at the moment and am sleeping so much. 

 

But still today was the best my mood has been for a while, more enthusiasm and colour. See things can change so quickly man, after such a bad night last night. The worst stress I have had for ages and then the best the mood has been for a while. I really pray that some of this can spread to you.  

 

I will be praying.

 

You know I am with you always man! I am here! We are in this together! I am with you!!

 

I love you so much brother!! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

And, here we are, thinking that it will never end. Surprise!

London, you really have a good connection with the boss out there! I'm jealous of your relationship.

With love, your princess! Xxxxx

[invalidusername]

Hey brother and sister (Gailage!)

 

First up, Gail, I hope you are doing well with all your tests and so forth. What you said about seeing other people there when we thought we had it bad has stuck with me these last few days. Yes, there are always people worse off - and for me these people are especially those who are lost in walking the earth. How scary it must be to not know any sort of purpose for being here. Things are tough here, but it is just a small point in time in the broad scheme of things. 

 

So last night - oh my, did the the Special K come to the rescue. That stuff never ceases to amaze me. I usually have a 5g dose and I decided to have 6g and it completely bowled me over... but in a good way. I was floating within about 20 minutes. Benzos can't even get close. I had a very good and full dinner, watched some rubbish TV (as I couldn't focus on a book!) and was out shortly afterwards into a 9 hour sleep!

 

When I woke, I was obviously very scared about facing the day. First client was at 2pm, but I just went for it knowing that taking more time off would only delay things and make them harder. So it turned out to be a 5 hour day working and then a shopping trip. I felt a bit of stress coming on during shopping as I was exhausted, but then I came home and just went straight to some meditation. Overall though, a good day - like you say brother, it CAN turn that quickly. Bless my dear Grandad for watching over me...

 

Wow - it sounded like you had a normal day man! I think we can all be more self-compassionate at times, but it is so useful to hear it from another person. I can't wait until I have someone who can do this for me. Take a good weekly analysis. You are the best thing I have for this at the moment and I can't thank you enough. I am so grateful for these daily exchanges as they help a huge amount. Did your therapist bring in the Somerset trip at all? I wondered whether we had both been too tough after having such good times for that length that we expected more from ourselves, hence the severe downturn. But this is never easy. But I looked at my chart and the last time I had a day as bad as yesterday was 3 months ago! That has to mean something...

 

The problem is that with your stomach, you are thinking about it all the time, and thinking can be just as draining as going for a run! It uses up the same amount of resources if it is relentless - and I think in your case, this is what is going on. All this focus will have tuckered you out. People do not understand that overthinking takes it out of you as much as exercise - why would it when we are not moving?! But our brain uses chemicals just as much as our muscles - and our brain is one big muscle that we are flexing 24/7. Especially the likes of us!

 

So onto your day today. Hour drive. How did it go? I am thinking that you would have been in the mindset that you managed Somerset there and back and the traffic with not nearly as much problem as you felt - so I am saying you were pleasantly surprised?! The build up and anticipating is always the worst. Anyway - fill me in.

 

Finally, thank you so much for your prayers. I really needed them over the last 24 hours and I never thought I would be able to get through today - let alone do all the work I have scheduled. I need to take it easy for a while and be very mindful of stress as it is everywhere. Driving to my second client, I turned out of a t-junction and there was this sweet old couple waiting to cross the road, so I stopped and let them cross and the driver who pulled up behind me sounded his horn at me!! How can you not react to that! I am not one for road rage at all, so I just stayed in the car, but it still got me wound up. You just can't escape it man!! We really need to be on our guard!!

 

Thoughts were with you (and Gail) today as were my morning prayers - I say morning, but you know, our morning.. around lunchtime! Will look forward to hearing from you.

 

So much love for you my dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail you inspire me every single day! 

 

I wish I had words to describe how much you help me! 

 

You are a true source of the light and love of God! 

 

With so much love and prayers for you! I love you!

 

Your Prince!!

[LDN]

Hey man! Yeah fantastic about the Special K!! And then a 5 hour working day and shopping on top! Oh man!!! Take a bow!!! So proud yet again!! So happy for you! 

 

Yeah my therapist said that life is not linear and that I had a choice now I was having a blip with my stomach - to put more pressure on myself and then things will get worse or to accept the situation. She hold me that part of being strong mentally like I am try to practice is being self compassionate, and that hit home for me. All the books I have read I have preached self compassion. She told the only homework was self compassion as she was so happy with everything else I was doing. Like you say we have had good times recently so we are putting pressure on ourselves when he have a dip, I personally am definitely being far too tough on myself. But that's fantastic you had the perspective to look at the your chart and see just what great progress you are making!! As I have told you it's seems to me like you are making cracking progress! Your reactions seem to have come on hugely! It is a joy to read you at times when I can see such a clear growth! The speed at which your taking all this information on board and then putting it into practice is amazing! And just in general I really feel things are moving in really positive direction - and I guess that back it up!

 

A very profound point as well you make about how so many are walking on this earth completely lost! I have to say from talking from to my brother and sister about their friends I often hear 'they hate their job' or at least no enthusiasm! When I met a friend of my brother I asked him what do you do and he said finance and I then said do you enjoy it and he said paused and then sort of said well it's alright. My mum recently told me she had been speaking to a parent of old friend of mine and she had said he is 'overworked and underpaid'. Young people in this country just don't seem to be happy. My sister is an actress and says while it is unstable she loves what she does, and none of her friends are like that! There is an endemic of mental health in young people and so much is because they are lost! 

 

So not a good day for me but you and Gail have picked me up tonight! I woke feeling really weird and very agitated and then found the journey there very uncomfortable. Then on the way back I felt even worse, stuck in London traffic and I was just spiralling in negativity. I felt so so upset that I can't handles journeys. It got tough for my poor mum me just being so dark and negative while we were driving back. The session was a very anti climatic and I came out just feeling fed up of living so weak. Looking out of the car window and watching the world go by and I just felt completely cut off and isolated - as I had been left out. My self pity went into overload and completely lost all perspective and fell into all the old traps. It took about an hour and half to get back with the traffic as well, so almost 2 hours and half in a car, which is a lot for me. It was horrible return to old ways of thinking and my spirituality really deserted me. But I think it can happen spiritually, that it can come and go, so I have to just ride it.

 

I think i may have some sort of virus because not only the stomach but I have been much much more tired the last few days and sleeping longer than usual. I just dosed off while writing which I have never done before. My energy feels severely depleted at the moment. I feel don't have the energy to think, which then means I can't work through things and remember my teachings. I mean I'm really struggling to write now, and this never happens! My arms feel like so weak, can barely type! 

 

I'll send this off before I fall asleep LOL! Once I get to the bottom of what going on things will pick up. Something definitely not right. 

 

So really happy today was better brother! Again super proud! 

 

Love you so much

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother... so I was there with the compassion part, but wrong about the journey! I am so sorry to hear of your troubles, but 2 and a half hours is a long time, and I didn't factor in that this journey is one which focuses on your medical side, whereas that involved going to Somerset was for a getaway - despite a long time in the car being very much an exposure. So first off, let me congratulate you in doing just what you did, but you really shouldn't feel so bad about the journey. Most people outside of London wouldn't dream of driving in it. But even when there is negativity looming, it can get to us. I was sat at a junction for what seemed like hours, although it was most likely only 2 minutes, but I had an overwhelming feeling that I just could not take any more... I HAD to start moving. Do you find it worse when you are not moving due to the traffic? And do you find a small sense of relief when the traffic lifts and you start to move a bit more freely? And yes, to acknowledge your Mum... but don't feel guilty. She does what she does out of love for you. Your parents... wow.. your parents man. I do not know them, but I would be honoured just to meet them knowing how much love they share.

 

The part of falling back into old ways of thinking is a tough one, and it is something I am desperately trying to avoid. This week has been so tough, and I am so tired of it. I totaled 6 and a half hours of work and shopping today though - I am not giving in, although most of that time I just wanted to give in and go home - but there is nothing better for me there in terms of helping my situation. What am I going to do? Sit around and be left at the mercy of my thoughts? 

 

I really took stock of what I was feeling this morning when I woke with the same fear. I wanted to know exactly what it was rather than just feeling it. So I listened to the thoughts - the worry of physical symptoms, the situation with my wife, the responsibility for me to earn money and do the shopping and get all the medication, looking after my parents, keeping my car on the road... and of course all the nightmares caused by the mental health team. It is all there when I wake and when this is all spinning around in my head I just can't take it. The problem is I can't hide away from it. If I stay at home, I won't earn money, I would lose clients, there would be no food etc... I do not know why I have felt like this all of a sudden. I have coped with this in states far worse in the last 2 years - so what gives now?! I just don't understand it. Sure yesterday was better, and today wasn't nearly as bad as wednesday, but I am sick of living in fear of this stuff. I just can't rationalise it and get it out of my head. 

 

This is where I would ask for your guidance - if you are in a position to be able. You obviously have a lot of time in solitude where I would be working, but the problem is that is doesn't matter where I am or how much I am doing. My thoughts are just too strong at the moment. They will infiltrate my mind regardless of how much I am engrossed in work. They just keep coming at me.. "your life is sh*t... you will never come out of this one... you will have to give up work... you will never get the help you need - just look at the evidence, you have been waiting for over a year...". It is damning evidence and I just can't ignore it. I don't feel strong enough.

 

However, neither of us are lost brother. We have been given such as task to undertake here though. I guess we just wanted things this tough. I keep thinking to myself again that this is our work placement, but with time such as it is on earth, we have a long time to put up with this, and like you said during your ketamine days, I don't know how much I have left in my reserves. I have things to make me happy - my study, my work, my wife, my art, but the shell I have been dealt just really doesn't want me to enjoy it as I would have it. I was fortunate to hold on to my spirituality today, but there were times during prayer where I just wanted to be told of the whole purpose to this.

 

Now I don't like to say this, but it would be good if it were a bacterial something you had, as at least it would be treated easily. Viral might be more of an issue, but again, you would have something to work on. I don't know enough about your respective conditions, but I can imagine it is difficult to ascertain what is what when it comes to all the symptoms. That in itself must be very frustrating. I should be so grateful that I rarely get physical symptoms now, but I would trade it all in to get them back if it meant leaving the mental ones behind. But it just seems that the mental issues were hiding behind the physical issues waiting for me to get them sorted and then leap out! 

 

Sorry, this has been a tough message today and yet again, we have both been through it. I have again been praying for you today after what I read this morning. It is so important to let these things go, but when they have such a grip I know how bad it can be. I pray that you are able to stare these things down my brother. To take that strength that has got you through the last 8 years. That is more than any man could expect in a lifetime. Suffering beyond measure and for you to have come this far... it puts so much of the other suffering we hear of in perspective. Sure there is all this stuff on the news, but no-one hears of the 20-something chap in the East end who has been through the likes of OCD, Lymes, ME and so forth. So for what it is worth, you are top of my list, along with Gailage, for everything you have been through and continue to live through. It I had even half of your resilience I would consider myself so fortunate.

 

Love you so much 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man that was a really lovely message! Thank you so much! That really lifted me, just like you did last night! Very touched and moved by those words! As you know the feeling of respect and love are reciprocated! If anybody asks me 'who is your hero', it would be you and Gail. No question. What life has given you to face is unbelievable and I have no doubt God send you to me as an inspiration. They say humans are capable of enduring unbelievable suffering and coming through it and you are a my example. Our paths have been so similar and we have such a unique bond between us. It is so nice to have that person to go to, that you know gets you and what you are going through. I will definitely be coming back to that message in tough times, so thank you again my dear brother! 

 

So I am very tired here. Yesterday straight after I posted on here I collapsed on the sofa. As I mentioned I was struggling at the end of the message to keep my eyes open and after I somehow staggered to the sofa and then basically passed out. Woke up 45 minutes later. I was basically pretty out of it. So weak I just couldn't stand up, so as I say staggered to the sofa and then was out. Feeling very similar tonight to be honest, so just warning you. I will do my best to make this post as comprehensible as possible! LOL! I can feel the sofa calling but I'm going to do my best! 

 

Must be some sort issue, as I am never like this. My doctor on sunday said maybe urinary tract infection and then the doctor yesterday thought more likely digestive system related! Of course the NHS were fully booked for blood tests next week, but thankfully they had a cancellation on Tuesday so will do the main blood and urine tests then. Once we get those tests back then we'll know a lot more. Just got to focus on getting through the next few weeks while we sort this out. I must admit I hate it when I pass out in the evenings because that is my reading time and need that intellectual and spiritual stimulation. So it is about just navigating these next few weeks and then once we have some results then we can think about treatment. 

 

I woke pretty ropey and late as well, about 5 ish i think. Really didn't feel like going out at all! I had a prescription to collect from the Pharmacy and really really didn't feel up to it. I thought about asking my mum to go, but I thought I just have to do it. I tapped into my 'letting go' mentality. I thought so much is wrong I have nothing to lose. I need at least some sort of achievement when so much is bad at the moment. So I made it out to the pharmacy and got the prescription. I had a chat with my friend there, about his summer which was nice! That is something I am really pleased to have added - having people like him and the barber who I can be friendly with but aren't family or doctors. It is refreshing and uplifting really to be able to have friendly chats with strangers. When I went in, he clearly came over and said 'how are you sir', so that was really nice of him. Then managed to walk back ok. So that overall felt a massive achievement. As I say was so nervous about going out and just felt I wasn't up to it in my condition but came through it fine in the end! That was the most nervous I have felt about going out for a long long time, and the fact I could do it just shows how far I have come. Even my brother was really impressed! He said that from his outside perspective I have been improving so much. It's nice to hear that when I feel so rubbish about my health. 

 

My brain really is working well here mate and I'm struggling to put sentences together at the moment but I'm going to keep on trying - but again apologies if what I'm writing isn't the most eloquent LOL! It's interesting how being exhausted from an illness, whatever I have got, can inhibit our use of language. I feel like I am concussed! As I type right now my brain just feels completely empty, as if my vocabulary has just vanished! Bear in mind I am dyslexic as well so struggle with spelling at the best of times LOL!! 

 

Anyway a massive congrats again for what you achieved today! 6 1/2 hours of work and shopping! Immense! Seriously man words just can't do justice to my admiration of you! Blown away by your strength of character! I just really hope you can see how incredible you are doing and feel proud of yourself. I know it is so much harder to see the good things in ourself than for others, but I really hope your feats of bravery our giving you some sense of achievement. I wrote a poem about this. That the triumphs over illness that you and me achieve are I think of greater significance than the glamorous triumphs of life. I remember in The Testimony of Light when she said that kindness is most respected in the next life. So while our little daily triumphs may not make the news, I do think we are achieving something incredible. I can't speak for God, but judging by Jesus, it was those who are suffering and having to fight great struggles that he was drawn to. I remember when I had catatonic depression last year and I could barely function at all. I could eat and speak but I was hit pretty bad. Focussing the mind to have my sauna and then the shower was overwhelmingly difficult. One particular bad day once I had had my sauna and then my shower, I got out of my shower and literally punched the air with pride. I realised in that moment that what I had achieved was massive considering the circumstances. I honestly can't think of a time that I have ever felt such pride in my life. I had put absolutely everything I had into it. I didn't matter that I wouldn't get any recognition. God would have been watching and with me. What we recognise as achievements in this life I think are very different from what are respected in the next life. I am convinced that what the likes of you and me achieve has huge spiritual significance. I really do mate. And when you frame it like that, suddenly I think our lives take on a new meaning. Deep inside of me I feel that my life and my struggles have a huge spiritual significance. The last 8 years give me more pride than anything else I have done in my life - any external recognition I have ever got. What you and me are dealing is real stuff of the spirit - so many things that our society glamourises actually distance us from the spiritual realm but the struggle we face, while so so tough, does give something to us on a very very deep level I think. When I am focused on the earthly realm and my physical body I tend to feel terrible, but in those moments when I can strip that away and go deeper. In those moments when I connect to my soul, I feel a purpose and wholeness that I never felt before I was ill. Richard Rohr calls this I think 'the authority of those who have suffered'. He argues that suffering is an unique spiritual moment. For him real profound spirituality comes from suffering. In those moments of transcendence I have once in a while when I can rise above my shell and just be with my soul, I always a wonderful sense of fulfilment. A really profound sense of purpose to my life. Those are the moments that sustain me and have meant I have got through 8 years of this. In those moments I feel a deep connection with God, and there is this mutual recognition between us that my life has great meaning and purpose. I really feel when I read your writings man that you and me have been chosen to very similar paths. I see in your life a really profound meaning. The care of your wife, the care of your parents, the care of new members of the forum, the care you give me - you are making such a big difference man! And it's a domino effect because by helping me, your then helping my family as well- and then if they are happier they can give out more in there lives etc. It's just chain reaction. An act of kindness always has greater implication than we think. You said to me you just hate to see suffering, I am exactly the same, so maybe that was part of the plan for us. If we hate seeing others suffer we are going come down here to suffer ourselves and then with that empathy that suffering brings we are going to help others. That certainly seems to make sense to me. If the plan was to suffer but help others I think that is definitely something I would have chose. As much as I can i just try and tap into that bigger picture. This life is part of a much much bigger picture and so if we can see our suffering as part of that, it makes it so much easier than viewing it simply as pain for no reason. 

 

Today I was walking to the pharmacy and as I mentioned I was very scared. Then I thought to myself 'I am a spiritual being having a human experience'. Those last two words really struck me - 'human experience'. This isn't everything, it is just an experience! I felt those words on deep level and suddenly everything changed. The world around me went from threatening to totally benign and soft. How we see affects what we see. That sudden change in mentality completely changed my environment around me. I was in a different world yet all I had done was changed how I thought about things. By realising that I was just here for a trip and it wasn't home, I embraced the situation and felt at peace and unthreatened. I like the idea of when we die it will be like waking up from a dream. So just like lucid dreaming when you know you are dreaming, if we can 'wake up' in this life to it's true nature it we can start to see things differently. 

 

So I went off on one there mate! I apologise LOL! I was really just thinking out loud!! I actually helped me a lot writing that, but I hope I makes at least some sense LOL! Also I would just say about the thoughts, that I can see your having a really difficult time with them and I know that situation so well. As I said before the best thing I found was just to completely let them in. Trying to block them out never works, I tried it for so long! Since they going to come in however hard you try to stop them, it's best just to welcome them, let them have a coffee or a tea. If you attach negativity to them they will affect you negatively, but if you just let them come and go as they please they won't harm. It is the reactions to thoughts that determines their effect. Their is this thing in psychology called paradoxical intention - it's a type of therapy where you will to happen what is your fear. So for example I read this guy was always sweating so much and this would cause huge stress. He was told by the psychologist think to yourself I want to sweat as much as possible, tell yourself you want to sweat. So he tried it and he stopped sweating! Whenever we run away from anything mentally it makes it stronger, that is my experience. And paradoxically when we let it in, it's loses it venom and doesn't seem threatening. This one of the big things I have learnt over the last 8 years! 

 

So I will be praying man! Sorry again for this crazy ramble! Thank you for your patience putting up with me LOL!!!!!! 

 

I am always with you and we are in this together!!

 

I love you so much brother!!

 

God Bless

[gail]

Same here Scrat. In 198,9, I had to do the groceries every day. We had an Old age pension with 14 people including my husband and I. I had just started therapy.

My main fear was to lose conscience in the store. What would happen if it did happen? People would call an ambulance, I would look crazy. So. Today is. Ok, I'll lose conscience, what the heck. I never did.

Bravo to my two heroes, much lovage, nothing lasts for ever, if you need meds take them to help you through.

[invalidusername]

That is absolutely the way to think Gailage - and how I deal with my anxiety relating to health. Now it is all tied into stress rather than health. Requires a totally different approach, but I am working on it!

 

I have taken your advice on the medication. I do give myself time to have a go at getting over it first, but if I can feel it will be one of those moments that will not change regardless of what I do, then I go with the meds or special K. But my thinking is that if I reach for this stuff at the first moment I feel bad, I will never learn to deal with it in the long term. So today, I was doing quite well, and then when I went out to see my friend, I got anxious. I had my emergency valium with me, but I thought I would give it some time. After 2 hours of my mood going back and forth, I decided I had given it enough time. I had tried all my skills the best I could and I kept it from getting really bad, but I was exhausted after 2 hours and couldn't keep it going.

 

Great to hear from you my sweet - how it the respite going? Any more news? 

 

Love you my dear.

[gail]

Dear Scrat, I'm doing much better than the last update.

Don't do as I'm doing. My days are counted as you all know by now. I have tapered the Ativan twice, with a huge success when I wasn't sick. Now, no more tapering.

In the last three weeks, error in prescription. It's fine now.

When I get up I take 2mg Ativan with my usual med pain.

At noon, I take one plus one half Ativan

Before going to bed, one entire Ativan. It's a lot but quality of life is a good motive for me

We tried clonazepam, that dont do a thing to me. They asked for me to return it, WHITH A GREAT PLEASURE.

LOTS OF DRUGS here, now's the Time to put Limonade in the front of your house Fishinghat! Lol
Just don't forget who's the boss here. Lol! Don't you dare go out in your special mankini. Lovage.

[invalidusername]

I am so happy to hear that you are doing better, and of course, you take what you feel is best for you to take to get these good days you deserve - but all our days are counted you know... and it won't be so much longer before LDN and myself are up there helping you with your errands of mischief! 

 

So lots of benzoage for you at the moment! So that will be taking care of your food then... benzo salad, roast benzo and a nice benzo brownie for after

 

I have changed my occasional benzo for a small Kratom dosage during those days when I feel I really need one. I still have them for when I am out and out and taking Kratom isn't possible. For me it lasts so much longer and doesn't cause any drowsiness - so it is a win/win situation for me!!

 

Right - time to write to Londonage... So happy to hear from you - keep us all posted.

 

Much love my lovely love lovage

[invalidusername]

Evening brother... I greet you in better tones today and I am glad that my message lifted you last night. Not that this was my intention for telling the truth - I'll consider it a bonus! So lovely that we all are our respective heroes between the three of us.

 

So, I woke with the usual punch of fear that accompanies my initial wake, but I went at it with "oh no you don't". I did some breathing exercises which sent me back into a bit of a snooze so I got my 8 hours. Then I was still exhausted when I woke which I told myself is only to be expected after this week, and having been out for 6 and a half hours yesterday, I will not be feeling in any way bad for laying around a bit.

 

I then woke up and did some reading about your thought advice - which is of course what I have been doing - and why couldn't I see it?! I also found a good line from some reading material that fits our situation exactly;

 

"When you care too much about not feeling anxious, the stress and worry this produces creates the very thing you were trying to avoid."

 

How right is that? We did just that. And another little snippet from a modern philosopher, Wendell Henckel;

 

You are not the body it is an instrument for your use.

You are not the mind it is a computer for your use.

You are not the human nature it is a part to be played.

You are pure "I Am" the free being which is always at rest.

 

Thought you might appreciate that one as well. Really puts into context what we have been talking about over the last few days. After the reading I started to feel really good about it all - things started to make sense and I had a couple of good hours. I then had to go to my friends and for no reason, I got hit with anxiety as soon as I got outside. Really didn't know where it came from, but I still went to my friends, stopping along the way at the supermarket for a couple of bits. Fine when I was there, and again, a punch of anxiety as soon as I drove home. But I just said "well if you want to have a pop at a panic, just go ahead...". Needless to say, it didn't progress that far and I have been fine ever since. So all in all, not a bad effort of a day!

 

You managed quite a message considering your feeling shattered last night and it was such a good read when i woke. I was still only half awake as it is the first thing I do when I wake. I open my laptop and read your message. So as I was also shattered, I kept having to read every line about three times, but that made it even better! And very well done for taking the pharmacy challenge on the chin. Difficult to know whether it is the right thing to do in the moment, but you made the right choice and you did it really well. Such a buzz when it turns out that way - really happy for you, and better yet that you had that acknowledgement from your brother. To get recognition out of the blue like that really is something as your brother wouldn't say something like that unless he was sincere I am sure.

 

The domino effect you speak of is so profound - so right. And I really wish that more people could see this for how it is. It only takes one person to pass on a good deed, a pleasant remark or a kind thought, and that sows the seed for the next person... and so it goes on. It is very much as Jesus taught as you say. It is no mystery, but for people to read into that and think "well that is obvious".. but just how few people do that is incredible. It IS part of a much bigger picture and we all need to play our part, open our eyes and do what we can to make things as good as we can for others. Difficult not to view the pain though. Sometimes I do wonder why given that I could do so much more if I was more healthy - but I fully acknowledge that I would not have been the person I am today - and live the life that I subsequently will - if it hadn't have been for the last 2 years. I remember vividly that a few weeks before more relapse I was thinking how short life is and I was thinking we just don't have time to do anything and what a waste it all was. Yes... that was my thinking. I can safely say that given the soonest opportunity, there will be a real role reversal of that!!!

 

Right - time to calm a bit. Think I will give the study a miss for this evening. Head has done a lot these past few days and I have done study every night apart from Wednesday so I think it is due an evening off. As always, looking forward to hearing how your day went.

 

Much love to you, my dear brother and hero

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail I am now the same as you, I get sometimes so nervous, so scared when I go out, but like you I say to myself 'what the heck!'. I just go for it! 8 years of mental illness and now I just let it go! We are stronger than we think! The depression and anxiety makes us think we can't do it, but we can!! Don't listen to the depression! At last I see this!! 

 

Look after yourself my love! Lots and lots and lots of love from London for you!!! 

 

I am praying! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Hey man! Yeah I went off on one last night!! LOL! I just had this strain of thought and just let it lead me really! I found writing last nights message really helped me see my situation in a clearer light! While writing that long paragraph it was one of those moments when I am with my soul and can see beyond body. In those moments it is so clear!! I was thinking to myself 'what have I been worrying about!!'. Everything makes sense and I felt such peace and then it is gone, and I am back to my body consciousness. But I think what I am learning is that those moments of clarity, of peace, I shouldn't discard them. Yes they might be fleeting but they are showing me how things really are. This is where faith comes in. I feel so refreshed though from that moment last night. I felt complete acceptance and no worries. Shows that writing to you brings out the best in me!! Like your dream of your grandad, these moments shows us we are not alone and give us something to hold onto to. 

 

So I am so pleased to hear your day was better!! Sounds like you did some excellent work this morning with your punch of fear - well done man!! Thanks for those quotes - both absolutely what we were talking about! Really well done with the anxiety, by the sounds of it you just let it be which is great! I think that is really positive that you had both that morning fear and then some anxiety and could handle both with such composure and clarity of mind. That really shows how far you have come! I had a similar situation with anxiety today. I was going out on my walk and felt really anxious about it for some reason. I wanted to get something from Sainsbury's, and since the thought of it made me so uncomfortable I really wanted to do it. So I went a got what i needed and then just went on a bit of a walk and the anxiety was really quite strong but it was bothering me at all - I just completely let it be. Maybe considering the context one of the best reactions I have had to anxiety. It was weird to have the anxiety but just be so unbothered by it. It wasn't like I was trying to hard as well, it felt very natural. I wasn't having to work through like I do when I am depressed, but I just left it there and thought about other stuff. I am at the point now where my desire to avoid feeling anxious isn't as important to me as the desire to open up my life. I really want to maximise what my very weak body is capable of and the only way to do that is experiment. I have really got this mentality of 'I've got nothing to lose anymore', which is quite liberating. I'm just trying to re wire my brain into embracing all fear, which is actually a quite exciting mental journey. I sort of get a kick out of doing things that scare me. It's a good thing there are no lions in London though, as my approach would be to walk towards to it LOL!! 

 

Other than the going out, had 20 minutes in the garden which was wonderful. Honestly just walking back and forth in meditation is such a good experience for me. It is so great when you can get to the point where you just be alone and have no fear of your thoughts. It's such a simple thing just walking back and forth but it brings me such fulfilment. When I go out on my walks I have to focus a little on crossing the road etc., but in the garden you can meditate without interruption. I sometimes that's going to be so boring, just walking doing nothing, but once I'm out there I just love it. It is one of the moments in the day when I always pray for you as well. 

 

Feels so good to have you with me on this journey brother, it really does!! I was just thinking that in the garden today! I am really blessed! Thank you so much for everything! I hope you had a nice evening and a great day tomorrow! 

 

Love you so much my brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Evening man!

 

Glad that you were able to find enlightenment through your writing last night. I wrote a post some time ago about how journaling before sleep is a good thing, so maybe there is some help there. Those moments of peace are for sure to be grabbed with both hands and be gratefully received as you will inevitably be back in that body consciousness.

 

I have had a bit of a struggle today. I had a wonderful sleep - 8 and a half hours! But the problem was I woke, saw the time and without warning my brain tells me "woh - there is something wrong with you, why did you sleep that long?". Where did that come from? It was a moment of panic - but why?! I needed the rest. Really didn't like that. The anxiety carried on after I remembered the moments yesterday going to/from my friends. I am good at that - picking up on yesterdays news and making myself feel bad about it the next day. So that was on and off all afternoon - good moments and not so good. Then around early evening, depression came along and starting telling me the usual chorus of "your life sucks" and "you will always be like this, there is no point in being happy". I spent 50% of the time ignoring it and 50% of the time listening to it. Thing is, after 2 years of all sorts of crap going on, the voice IS right, and I couldn't jut invite that voice in because it spoke the truth and it DID bring me down. This is a rational voice - not irrational. So what do you do about that?! Obviously you are the go-to bloke for this as you seem to be on top of it. 

 

The stupid thing is that around 9pm or thereabouts, it all goes away - so it has to be chemical. I still have the thoughts in my head, but I can ignore them, or tell them there may be a good day on the horizon for tomorrow. It is a bit more difficult this evening - probably because I have been indoors all day with my thoughts - although I did get a 30 minute walk in - I HAD to do something...

 

But the bottom line is that it could have been a lot worse... far worse in fact. After the week that I have had battling my thoughts, today was a real test having had 11 hours alone with my thoughts and in the same 4 walls. We don't realise it, but this is tantamount to being in prison! Sure we can walk out the door any moment, but having just the one room flat, there is some equivalency. 

 

What you said about your exposure was fantastic! That is exactly where you want to be! Up until yesterday's little incident, this is where I was with being out and about (within a certain distance from home and not in crowded areas). So it really took me by surprise - as did this morning. I am thinking it might be the new remedy that my homeopath started me on three days ago. I do worry that it might be knocking out some of the effect of the Citalopram. When I tapered 2 years ago, I remembered the two things which hit me first and hardest was stress and anxiety. I know she doesn't like divulging what she puts in her little white pills but I think I need to know.

 

So just as Gail fears she may collapse in public and have the "scene" (which is the same as me - either that or vomiting) - do you feel the same? I am guessing with your condition that your body will try its best to always be on your mind. But embracing the fear and getting a kick out of doing these things is good - and when my stress levels even out, I will be joining you in that! But for the moment, the slightest bit of stress will send me over the edge. 

 

Might have to reach for the special K as I am still not right here. I feel stress right around the corner, the thoughts still at me. I don't feel I can read or do anything that will distract me from it - and I don't because it only emphasises the fact that I can't win over it. But I can look at the forum and play games on the mobile - that is pretty much it. Makes me feel guilty, but better than sitting and staring at the wall and being drugged up on valium... that would make me feel worse for sure. Today has also been the first day this week where I haven't taken either valium or dramamine or kratom during the day. I don't count my evening kratom...

 

Also being the end of the week, I think we subconsciously weigh up all the failures and successes of the week - whether we like it or not. Just as waking tomorrow will be hard as it is the start of a new week - even though I work mon to sat and they are all the same - it is still how it works in our heads!!

 

Sorry for being a bit of a downer, but as I said, it could always be worse - and I did it all without medication. That is my focus for now. This is my positive!! And it is a positive that I can find a positive!! LOL

 

Love you brother - thanks for all you help me with here

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey man sorry to hear about your struggle today! Really hurts to hear! First thing I would say is the depression is talking. If you were really upset about something, something really sad happened in your life for example, would it just suddenly stop worrying out of the blue? No it wouldn't it would be a very gradual process. So as you say it is chemical. By nature you are a very positive person I have found. The fact you always come on here and help me despite what you are going through, your strong spirituality - you are someone with a purpose in life and a a really positive spirituality. I think considering your situation you are incredibly positive!! So what you are experiencing is your depression mudding the waters and making you think negatively. Depression always will pick something that is close to the bone and then exaggerate it massively. But it is clever and picks something that is going to bother us the most, not something completely random. So for me of course it will pick up on the fact I have been ill for 8 years and pick up on my physical condition not improving at the moment and then it will exaggerate it and make it seem like I have no point living. So I will get 'You're never going to get better', 'this is your life forever' - very similar to you. But the thing is when you really look at it that is not the case. Not for you or me. Everything is always changing, our bodies are constantly in flux. In all my 8 years of being ill, not one year was the same. As we have seen with my reading, things take time to mend. In my case 7 years. Imagine after 6 years and 11 months I said 'that's it I give up, if I haven't been able to read by now, it will never come'. I was 1 month away from reading again, but I had absolutely no idea!! No clue at all!! So if I had given up it might have seemed logical, but it would have wrong! I in fact only had 1 month left!! You see what I mean? We have only a certain amount of energy and resources - so if you are spending all that fighting the negative thinking it will be completely exhausting for you. It is slow man, and I know that is tough but things are gradually changing! You are always saying to me - 'I would have never been able to do this after my relapse' - so things are better for you right now than before, maybe it is not as much as you would like but still it isn't true you have made no progress in 2 years. You can work, do shopping - things that at your worst you couldn't do. You've recently had a really good run of days, the best for ages. You have managed to get your wife in therapy. So things are moving forwards but it is just slow. So when you think 'I will always be like this' - well how would you know? Think about when were saying how we can't even predict the next few hours!! When it says 'your life sucks' - again it is difficult in so many ways but also so rich in others. You were just saying the other day how at least you weren't lost on this earth like so many!! You have a purpose, unlike so many sad souls out there!! So these thoughts don't reflect a remotely nuanced or realistic view of your life. I don't recognise these thoughts as thoughts of IUN I have come to be brothers with. What I recognise is thoughts I have had for years - seeing things through the lens of depression!! From the outside man I can see it well! 

 

These thoughts are painful of course and the natural instinct is to run from them, but the reality is that we can't. We can't escape them. So it's about acceptance. It is about seeing them for what they are - depression thoughts, not the real IUN. Thoughts in themselves are just thoughts! They can't harm you, it is the reaction to them that harms us. I am still at a point where the thoughts can get me down, but I'm not scared of them - and that is a massive massive change. Once you can let go of the fear that makes such a big difference. Of course I have been here 8 years, so I have had longer to work on it. But it was only when I stopped running or try to block them out that I started to see a change. It is a tough process to go through, but you will do it, absolutely. You are doing so well in so many areas right now and making such good progress mentally. But of course there are only so many things you can deal with at once. But your doing great. 

 

Now in terms of just playing games or coming on here - great, no problem! Man a lot of people are gaming almost all day right as we speak!! What's wrong with a bit of gaming? In the past they would play board games so what wrong with unwinding with some gaming? This where the self compassion comes in man. I feel reading you I see my self so so much from a few years back. Your depression is just looking for anything to try and stress you. It is really horrible and agony to live with. BUT you can learn to deal with it, like i have. How would a random thought know exactly your future? Does it show it's methodology and in depth workings? What I have learnt is just to be unbelievably welcoming to the thoughts and just let them sit there, however unpleasant. This is the only way to pacify them. Just let them be there, 'hi thoughts come in, make yourself at home'. This is a really tough thing to do when they are such hurtful thoughts, but for me it really has worked! Negative thoughts thrive off tension, friction, avoidance. 

 

What your saying about 'the thoughts are true so you can't let them in'. As I said I think it is more nuanced and what the thoughts are saying sound to me like depression talking from my experience. But obviously it is a subject close to the bone to you, just like with me. The big thing here I would say is that those thoughts are only going to effect you more and get to you, the more you push them away! The more we push away a thought the bigger and more powerful it gets! This is 100% my experience. So it is completely in your self interest to let the thought in, even if these seems strange. Remember what I was saying about paradoxical intention. Pushing the thought away only makes it more of an issue. So hypothetically speaking even if you thought the thought was true, it is still better to let it in - as then it will bother you less. 

 

Also man i just want to make clear that I think you are doing an amazing job here. I really do. I myself am very guilty of being too tough on myself. You and me have show ourself some love. We're both doing great. We going to get dips and that's fine, let them come. As my therapist said to me, my only homework was self compassion! That was it! We can bounce of each other on this. So thanks for inspiring me with your bravery! I am really really proud of you man! 

 

Got a busy few days ahead now, starting with p doc tomorrow. Just a rest day here today. 

 

I will be praying brother!! 

 

I am always with you! We are in this together! 

 

Love you so much!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother - what a lovely selfless message from you this morning - really, thank you. Again, I needed it. I woke and 3 of my 4 appointments had already cancelled by 9.30am! That set me right off. Just 1 hour of work, which meant I would be having too much time with my thoughts again and it scared me... plus only 5 hours sleep by that point. I read your message and did some breathing exercises and I calmed a bit enough to snooze thinking about what you had written. It really did help, and I have been doing everything I can to hold on to it.

 

My appointment wasn't until 6.30pm, so I had already had 9 hours of trying to waste time, and up until around 5pm, I was doing quite well. Mild depression underpinning  my thoughts, but I held them at bay. 5pm saw anxiety come crashing down, but all the same I did my work, spoke to my parents friends for about 20 mins about the shame that is the mental health community, and then I did 20 minutes in Tesco. I was OK until the reduced stuff wouldn't scan and I had to put the stupidly long bar code number in - and I had 6 of these items, and this caused my anxiety to spike a fair bit, but I saw it through. So it has been a similar struggle. I just miss the few minutes here and there during the day when I can breathe the air of freedom, but I am constantly in a nervous state. Not that bad, but its this sort that gets bad once you have had too many hours of it - if you know what I mean. I probably would have been much better had my clients not cancelled on me.

 

I get moments (a few minutes at most) where I feel better and I will think about all the nice books I have to read or something, and then for a moment, I feel I could go for a stroll into the town just for a few minutes, but no sooner does it appear, then it disappears and I am back to playing games on the phone or on the forum again. I just don't understand it at all. It really is like someone has injected me with something and I think "oh - I feel better for some reason". Nothing triggers it - just as nothing triggers the reversal. It just happens. Very strange... and down right frustrating.

 

Anyway - p-doc today if I am not mistaken - how did it go? Any news to report? Glad you had a rest day too, but you have had much more practise that me at these!! I remember during my first episode of anxiety with my first partner and every Sunday, she would drag me out of bed and we would be off round the countryside or something. I dreaded every Sunday, but now I can see she was actually helping me... and she did. Just a shame she turned into her mother really

 

Going back to your message, it was so warming to see how much you remembered from our previous messages and bringing them out for me when I needed to see them. I DID have the best stretch of days I had in a long time. So logically, I can have those again. I am trying my best to learn from the downturn, just as you have. Obviously it was not going to be plain sailing as it had been so long since either of us had such a profound length of good times - we didn't know how to deal with the sudden influx of emotion! Just got to ride this one out. Again, I just don't like being stuck in he groundhog day style of "struggling" days. I can take them fine if they are interspersed with better days, but as they are not happening at the moment, you forget what you are fighting for and inevitably you feel like you are doing your very best only to survive and there is only so much of that which you can take before the inevitable takes over. On that note, I think we have both done very well not to have completely gone to the darkest place, which could so easily have happened. Just need to unstick myself now and try it again!!!

 

Thanks again dear brother for such wonderful daily words of hope - love you very much...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man sorry to hear your day was quite difficult. In terms of moments by yourself, have you thought of re-contextualising it - for example think of yourself like a monk. They live basically in silence. Now of course that is intense but it can be way to see your way of life right now in more productive way. For example no one would think that Buddhist or Christian monks are wasting their lives, well some might, but in general they are quite respected. As I say they are just in silence, praying and meditating all day. Now again I appreciate that this is not something you saw yourself doing, for me it was the same. I was forced into this life of huge silence and solitude, it wasn't a choice. There is no way in the world I would have wanted before to live like a monk!! To be honest I would say I couldn't think of anything that less suited to me. But here I am. I have been forced to live in solitude and silence like the monks and now i actually really enjoy it. The reality is I think - silence is so important to spirituality. It is why a lot of mystics were hermits. Across all cultures and religions that I have studied - Buddhism, Zen Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity - silence is a key component to spiritual progression. Man I phrasing this really badly sorry, I'm really tired tonight! But I guess what I'm trying to get at is that now even if I was fully well, I would still CHOOSE to live with lots of silence and solitude. I never would before like I said, but now I have seen the fruits of a life like this, the profundity, the depth, I wouldn't change too much if I was fully well. So if you have particular inquiries about this way of life I would love to help. 

 

I would agree completely that getting out is important. So your could always sort of try and do a walk a day. If your getting cabin fever, just pop out and take in the sea. Like you did yesterday! Obviously you don't want to push yourself but you could think about maybe getting out on two walks a day, or something like that. It's good to brake things up, not have too long doing one particular thing. Also my life is very structured, which is obviously more hard for you since you have to rely on clients, but I know exactly what I'm doing every hour throughout the day. I have my walk, my sauna, my shower, my siesta, then forum, then read. So it's a bit like clockwork for me a lot of the time. When I went down to the country I just continued this structure in a different environment. But as I say I appreciate this is much more difficult for you. It seems your evenings are lot better maybe because you have a more of a structure, but please correct me if I'm wrong. I know chemically that the evenings you are better as well. 

 

I think it's just really tough when your in place like your are right now, where it seems you don't have that excitement. Generally for me I have such a huge reading list and however rubbish I feel I still tend to get at least a bit excited about reading. That is really my way out when I think 'what am I going to do?' - it's well I'll just read! Hopefully soon that enjoyment of certain things can come back and you can enjoy your study and enjoy your reading. Then really get stuck into these! A good thing I have found is to either make a list of books or buy a decent amount all in one go. In really bad times I would tell myself 'I have to stay alive until I've read these book I've bought'. Then inevitably things would improve. By actually having a few you have bought it gives you that added  incentive, 'I've bought these so I better read them'. Also maybe something to think about it just to try reading even when you don't feel like it. I have learned that to have that structure where I will go on my walk however bad I feel, I will do my reading however un exited and depressed I am. Often I have found I do get some enjoyment even though I didn't think I would. We can't really predict our reaction to things. I have found if you sort of say I am going to do this whatever, it really helps pacify the depression. It takes away the power of the depression over you. 

 

So my p doc was fine thanks - just talking about acceptance of my physicality. I'm clearly very traumatised by being physically ill now for over 6 years and I need to try and transcend it as best I can. Having to be on obsessive doctors orders for diet etc may be helping me physically but isn't great from a mental health perspective because it makes you a bit paranoid and inflexible. We had a bit of drizzle and I a really lovely walk for about 15 minutes in it. Felt a great sense of calm and peace. I love the rain, it triggers feel good stuff in my brain. I have no idea how I got programmed like that, but rain on my face and I feel in heaven. I came back and just took it in the garden. I felt great - just peace in the rain. I told myself - 'right that was amazing, however bad the next week is, this moment was so good, i have get through the next week whatever'. I'm lucky that a mix of my spirituality and nature (really they are joined for me) can bring me these moments of such peace. They make all the difference to my quality of life. Just before I posted I just stood at the back door and watched the rain in the light in the back alley. Do you know how in the dark the street lamps glare pick up the rain and you can see the drops falling? I love that! I just stood there and it's those small simple moments that bring me the greatest joy. That a product of living a simple life - those little things feel so exciting! Most people probably don't feel like a child when it rains but for it is magic. I really hope some peace can float down your way. I certainly have been sending love down. Things are going to get better man. This is just tough moment. At the end of the day sometimes it's just about getting through it. Your generally going in such a positive direction, this is clear. It is a fact! 

 

I am really proud of how you did today man! You are doing so well! After such a good run of days, it was always going to be tough when we had a bump in the road! We are here for each other and that is massive! We are together on this journey brother! And I must add I couldn't have asked for a better companion on my trip here on earth than you! 

 

I will keep praying! I am always here for you! 

 

Love you so much!

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man...

 

Glad the p-doc worked out well and the old "acceptance" part again. That is a tough one and I think this is a life long lesson. As you have said many times, our mood and conditions are always on the move, so I think the same will be true for the acceptance (and self-compassion etc). I don't think we can just learn it the once and then have it there as and when. I really do think we need to adapt as our system changes. I for one have gone from having a severe anxiety disorder with no depression, to now have very little anxiety and more depression. Tools will have changed in terms of accepting for sure. Although I can use all of the other anxiety tools to keep those symptoms at bay.

 

Speaking of which, my anxiety was still bugging me a little today, but glad to say that most of it has gone. I was stuck (and stuck) in traffic for almost 20 minutes today between clients. I just sat there and didn't think anything more about it. I watched as about a dozen or so cars tried to switch lanes and do a u-turn and I thought "I wonder if they have anxiety too?" and then I thought how amazing it is that I can sit here and not give a wotzit about it. But this is the only way I have beat it. Just letting it come. I don't understand how it doesn't work so easily with my stress and depression. I think it is that these thoughts are closer to the bone as you put it. My system knows I won't let the anxiety beat me down. 

 

Lovely image of the rain you described there. Was nice to read it in the morning when I woke up and it was more or less the same outside. I sometimes prefer this sort of weather as it keeps people out of the public areas which surround my flat! Still enough people around, but it is nice to have some peace and quiet having all the building works going on. When it is raining, all the loud exterior stuff grinds to a halt - it is so quiet!! More rain please!

 

So the depression was still there today, although it did go and stay gone after around 6pm, but was still very uncomfortable until then. The same "my life sucks" going over and over in my head. When I had a break, I just opened a book and got stuck in. Regardless of what it would do for my situation. I carried on for an hour before I had to see my other client. It did help, but by that time, the depression was beginning to abate. The morning is still nigh on impossible. And this is what gets me every time. I wish I had the will power to get up to a routine - and some day I will. I see all these people jumping out of bed, having a jog, breakfast, shower and then straight on with the day. How do you do that?! How did I DO THAT once?! But what you said really helps, and this is certainly one of your finer gifts bestowed on you from above.

 

The book I am now reading was talking all about our purposes here in some detail, so it was quite fitting as I was hoping to find more purpose to what I should be doing. It has said so much of the stuff that we have done through here on the forum about not knowing everything while we are here, about the earth being a sort of college place where we come to learn, and that from the other side it all seems like a few minutes, which is why we think we can handle more than we can!! Unfortunately I lost interest in some parts where it started talking about "Satan". My own belief structure, but I cannot put any stock in a deity that would have such a good/evil heirachy that sounds like it has come straight our of a Tolkien novel.

 

Right, I need to get back to study - but within limits! I need to learn how to be doing enough to maintain my enjoyment, but not too much to trigger my stress response. It is a find balance I can tell you.

 

So was there any medical or psychological interventions today? How was your routine? I still think it is marvellous that you can stick to this structure. It must take so much will power knowing that you COULD just ignore it all and just stay in bed all day. Obviously I see that with the wife and it does me no good, but once I have started work, that is me out of bed for the duration. But even that takes a lot of doing... So much to learn - and thanks to you, I am getting there that much quicker!

 

For that and so much more, I love you brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother yeah very much agree about the acceptance, it is not a fixed state of mind, it comes and goes. Some days I will feel so so at peace with life. Real gratitude for what I have and excitement and curiosity for the plan ahead. More than anything just a great sense of calm in the moment. Then others it's just negativity about how weak I am, a sense of pointlessness, a void of meaning, futility. I feel completely imprisoned by the physical illness. I feel complete overwhelmed with self pity and really show no love to my self at all. Almost hate myself, my situation in life. Such hugely contrasting states! To me it is the old consciousness and the new consciousness and it's a bit of a see saw between them - does that make sense to you? My old consciousness is the self pity and sense of futility. My illness dictate everything. The new consciousness which I have worked on is the acceptance, the gratitude, the realisation that I am spirit, the joy in the little small things, just being present in the moment. A few years ago I had basically ZERO  acceptance! So my mental state was pretty full one immense self pity. Now I have finally developed some acceptance. But it takes practice and is a gradual process. The exposures, the seeing family that came from acceptance. Before I would say I'll only do that stuff when I am physically better. Now I am not being dominated and braking the self imposed boundaries. So it seams to me that the more you and me practice acceptance and being present, the more we will be in that state of mind. It's like meditation, you start off at 1 minute a day or something and then build up and up. These changes of mental state take work and are gradual. The brain is an organ, so it like training for a marathon. 1 mile a day, then 2, then 5 etc. Just slow and steady building up. 

 

I am so so so proud of your reaction to the traffic jam! Amazing!! I am seriously proud here man! So proud! Do you think you could have done that a year ago for example? Maybe it's a case of acceptance of anxiety first and then depression and then stress, take one at a time. It would be pretty overwhelming to work on all of them at the same time i think. I can't remember the order for me, but they didn't all come at once. It was a case of step by step like I have been saying. But SO AMAZING about your reaction today - it makes me so happy to read! From the outside I really have to say that you seem to be making massive progress in your reactions. That is the very clear perception to me. As we have said often these things are easier to see from outside looking in. But amazing you could sit there and just take it in and think to yourself 'this is amazing'! Must say when I read that I was just so excited for you! And as you say just letting it come, that is the way. It is one thing to acknowledge this but then to put it into practice in the middle of a traffic jam - DAMN!! That is some seriously amazing work! Also now you have experience of this method working in a pressure situation and that should bread confidence, as you can say to yourself ' remember that time in the traffic jam, I just let the anxiety come and it worked great!' You know have evidence! This is so important in my experience. It's not just an intellectual concept, it is something that has worked for you in a real life situation!

 

I am sorry about the depression man, but really great that you could just pick up a book and just dive in. That is such great work, and it is a tough step as well. But for me it really helps, to just go ahead with these things regardless of our mood. I personally was very very controlled by my depression for so long. My thought process would be 'I can't do that, I am too depressed so won't enjoy it'. Then eventually I realised this was just a cycle. I would keep on feeling depressed because I would always not doing anything too enjoyable. I came to realisation whatever my mood just do it. I discovered that in reality I could be having a really bad day and then go and read for example and really enjoy it, and equally being having a good day and then go and read and in fact just feel flat or something. I could never predict how I would react - so I just went ahead and did it. Like my reading now, I will do it every night regardless of my mood. It's sort of just like clockwork, I don't even question it. Unless I'm too tired and go to bed early, which is fine. There were a few times when this approach was tough. I might be pretty anxious for the first few pages or feel stressed for the a bit, but I just stuck at it and as I say now I don't even question it. Same with the walk - it's non negotiable. However bad I'm feeling I am going to force myself to go out that front door. I know from experience that if I find a reason not to do it, I'll then find another and another and eventually I'll end up with the crippling social anxiety I had for so many years where I could leave the house at all, unless for doctors. I can't go back to that place again, so i know what is at stake. Also the should I, shouldn't I of deciding is so stressful, the actual walk has never been so stressful as that agonising to and fro. 

 

Yeah the thing with the morning and my discipline is similar to what I was saying above in that I couldn't leave the front door on my own accord for nearly 6 years. I was a prisoner in my own house. Equally when I first had depression I cut off from my family a huge amount and spend all day in my room. I was scared of going around the house in those days, let alone going out!! I have told about how extreme my OCD got. I told myself when I got better from the OCD, what ever happens I am not going back to that. So I do have this sort very intense drive in me, knowing the consequences. I have those memories of the OCD and how much it got hold of me and I can't go back to that. Having that is a big motivation. Same with the social anxiety. Now I can walk out of my front door, I am not going back to what was before. That is one of positives of being as bad as I was, it gives you a massive motivation. 

 

I completely get you on the balance thing. I am very much like this for my walks. I want to push myself but then at the same time not turn the walk into something really unpleasant because I have pushed myself too much. Equally if I am enjoying it, I don't really want to stop. It is impossible to get right every time, and you have to really give yourself compassion when you get it wrong. Today I did too much, and I was being so horrible to myself about. I then thought to myself 'I would never speak to anybody else like this'. That was a light bulb moment. If I wouldn't dream of talking to somebody else like that, then why is it ok to do that to myself? I remember reading the guy from Prison Break who I think has had depression said 'If I spoke to others how I speak to myself I would have no friends' or along those lines. That was the realisation I had today. Once I saw it like that I immediately started being much kinder to myself. Hopefully it is something I can work with going forwards. 

 

So regarding health - had a blood test at the NHS today and then got a urine sample tomorrow morning. Then on Thursday I have to do a 24 hour urine sample. So lots of samples and tests this week! But will be good to get them done! Thankfully the stool test was done last week!! That one is the worst! Especially when you mess it up the first time and have to do it all again! Anyway that is probably too much detail already!! LOL! 

 

I hope tomorrow goes well man and you had a good evening tonight! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Good evening dear brother...

 

Read your message when I woke up and every sentence I was saying in my head "yes... me too... and that...". I find that there is very much a day/evening divide for these times with me. You could almost time it. Every day, regardless of whether I am working or not, between 8 and 9pm, things lift - giving me a clear 8 hours which is really nice. If I could only sort the first 8 hours out I would be fine!!

 

So do you find there is no trigger... no sense sometimes when you go into self-pity mode? I just have no idea what I am going to feel from one morning to the next. Last night I went to bed having been relatively pleased with how the day went, so what could happen.. if anything?! Sure enough, it was exhaustion come back to greet me! So I had a taste of your days I guess. Mentally I was all there, but physically I could barely move, so I started getting restless and worrying about work and so forth. But where it came from and why I do not know. As it happened, I had two clients cancel on me again today! So this put me in a tailspin... again... as I had no time to mentally prepare for it. If I know the day before I only have 1 or 2 clients, I can deal with it, but not on the day. It really screws me up. And your see-saw metaphor sounds about right. I think that is defined on how much power your thoughts have at the time. This is again where the acceptance comes in - just like you say. The wife has not had a good one today (typical that I was at home for most of it!) but she just cannot handle her life at the moment, and I was trying to tell her to accept. She said "accept what - the state of my life? The fact it will never get better?". Maybe this is her in my head!! But I said - yes. This is what accepting is. Knowing you can do nothing and all this stress worrying about it, getting angry with it and so forth, only makes it worse. It is like be trapped in a box and screaming and kicking. Horrible metaphor and apologies to any claustrophobics reading!!

 

The book I am reading today is a good guide about accepting. It puts it very simply. To love anyone, you need to love yourself. To forgive anyone, you need to learn to forgive yourself. To accept things, you need to learn to accept yourself. It sums it up in a nice little package of self-compassion, perfectionism and acceptance. I am really trying to see all of this in what I do and I was trying one of your lines today about me being a spiritual being having a human existence. I swiftly came to thinking that I was feeling homesick again being surrounded by so many lost people. I had a moment when I was driving - and again stuck in traffic - and looking at all the people going about their work-a-day lives and thinking nothing of it. These are people who are blissful in their spiritual ignorance and never suffer mental health. Would I change it? Nope. We would for sure miss it. At least when we have our good moments, they are so much better than your average Janet or John could experience. It can be really euphoric when this happens - especially from a spiritual sense. 

 

I would really value your expertise in being more mindful of accepting and how to better each situation. I think this is the stalemate that I have got myself in now that would really benefit from it. It is just so paradoxical to accept something like this, you r brain simply doesn't want to know. Something is painful and it wants to reject it. Hey, someone is burning me with a metal spoon, but nevermind, you carry on. I can accept it!! LOL. I know I am being somewhat cynical with that example, but I know you understand! I want to train, but it is getting off the first rung. Again, I seem to be there - more or less - with the anxiety, in so much that I can see a time coming when it will be gone, but I can never see that with the depression, and it is because of all the rubbish in my life that has its claws in me that makes it so difficult. I need to make changes and there is so much responsibility on me - the wife being a huge part of that. She knows the pressure she puts me under and she says that it just makes her worse knowing that.. so where does that leave me?! 

 

Going back to the traffic jam - I hit another one today. Only for about 5 minutes, and the anxiety started, but my thoughts here were that nothing is going to happen... nothing has ever happened. I have an emergency valium in my work bag should I need it, but by the time it works I will be out of this traffic jam... so... just let it come. I have found that anxiety can be very short lived in most situations, and that I can control it more than I give myself credit for, but the depression seems to be a whole different matter. Half of the time, it is triggered by thoughts, so yes, my doing, and ultimately my control, but the other half of the time, it is just there whether I want it or not, and it is this that I need to accept but makes it so difficult. I just have to accept that it comes as and when it pleases? Without my control?! Sorry there is a lot of hammering on about my current state, but at least you get the big picture! I will be in your debt for a few after this!! LOL.

 

When I went ahead with this continued reading stuff, I could see the clock (as a lot of my books on this stuff are pdf) and every time I had a wave of depression hit, I started with almost bit of OCD where I would notice the time and see how long I could do before the next one. I think I already know what you will say! But I am not willing them - I don't think - these are just the random ones that come when they want. I am reading for goodness sake - occupying my brain - but it still burrows its way in!!

 

So it was urine samples going on today. Hope all went well. It will be such a relief to see results and get some idea of what is going on. And I know about the stool samples. Already twice in one year. My sympathies man. As if what we have to deal with isn't enough already that we have to do stuff like that too!! I had a method down that involved cling film... LOL. I will leave that to your imagination, but it worked really well I found! I just hope they didn't do what they did with mine the first time round and lose it... Have you any idea on the turnaround for results? I suppose if it is the NHS it is a piece of string question. It takes as long as it takes. Either way, my prayers continue for you. I long for the day where your physical situation is back to normal and you will find the rest such an easy way forward because of what you have learnt already. I know you will. You are very strong and know where you are going.

 

Right - better sign off here as that has turned into something of an essay! Look forward to hearing from you.

 

Much love and light to you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! So firstly I think that your really clear day/evening divide just highlights how much this is a chemical issue. If there something really wrong it worries you all the time doesn't it? It doesn't just suddenly stop at the same time every day! So you need to tell yourself this is just faulty biology, just a  physical matter. With time this will sort itself out. The great thing is you have a good 8 hours. Now it just a question of sorting out the other half of the day and that will come. I know it's tough being patient, but what I will say is it gets much much easier. Now while I still feel moments of self pity as we have discussed, I feel so much more comfortable with the nature of time and just letting things have space to sort themselves out. We know the brain does sort itself out, but it can be slow. So I feel it's 50% still to go but still your half way there and that is exciting! 

 

For me what I have realised is self pity is something you feed. So when I feel self pity I often indulge in it and actually start saying things that quite frankly I don't believe for one minute, but I almost become a character and just wallow in my misery. This is what happened in the car journey the other day. Stuck in traffic and I was going on and on about how rubbish my life was and it was just giving red meat to my depression. My mum today told me it was like I became a different person, because my normal nature is very positive, hopeful and deeply trusting in God. That is the real me. But once the depression gets in and you indulge in it, it can take over. So when I feel the self pity I think I normally just let it be there, but think positively. Be present. Take joy in the little things. Don't indulge in it. Basically 'ok self pity you can come in but I'm really excited and positive for my future'. Don't get attached to the self pity, observe it and let in it and by doing so you can distance yourself from it. See it as just emotions and thoughts bubbling up but nothing more. I don't have to start seeing everything through it's lens. My spirituality has lead me to believe that I have a lot to be positive and excited about. When I see things clearly that is what I see. So it's a work in progress here for me, but I can definitely see ways where I can improve my response and as we know that is what makes the bid difference. 

 

I think what you say about your wife is spot on. Personally I think you things always change and you just can't say 'this is my life'. The nature of life is constant change and we just don't what is round the corner. Especially in your wife's case, with her starting therapy that is a massive step forward. I have said before it can take a long time in therapy when you have a condition like your wife's or mine to make progress. Took me about 3 months of sessions before any exposures. You could maybe tell your wife that. I started in January and it was only in April I started to probably do exposures. The paradox of acceptance is that by saying 'ok this is my life' this then leads to A CHANGE! Because you start to feel less anxious, stressed and over thinking. So by being accepting of the right here and now you actually then immediately are initiating a change! Does that make sense? It what I said before - paradoxical intention. By accepting your situation, you actively IMPROVING your situation. The acceptance itself makes a change! We have so much power man and it is about opening our eyes to this capability! Letting go - it is the great paradox. We have so much more control WHEN we let go! These are concepts that really have to be experienced to be understood as words don't do them justice. It's about making that first step of acceptance. 

 

Right man you are so on my wavelength, for you and me it huge ups and downs. But those ups can be sensational. For so many it just pretty much a straight line. So many couldn't imagine at all the states you must have reached in meditation of heaven for example, or my mystical moments. They are moments beyond time, if you like. We are all spiritual beings, all of us - yet so many have no idea! The smallest things can blow your mind - like me and the rain. And yet how many people are feeling ecstatic and euphoric when the rain hits their face? We don't need much, this world is filled with little things that are so incredible and you just have to open your eyes to it. Like you say this a work placement, a work trip, it's not are real home. How amazing to talk to someone who also gets it, who has woken up to the truth! Have you seen the matrix. Buddhists say life is like that. I just couldn't go back to where I was before I was ill, living in that attachment to this body and earth as if is everything. It's like Jesus says 'I give a peace this world cannot give'. Worldly things just can't give us that peace, that true joy we yearn for. We can spend all life trying, but worldly things will never satisfy our spirit. This is such a fundamental truth I think and I just couldn't go back to not realising this. Spiritually and thereby my levels of joy, have been transformed by my illness. It has opened up the truth to me! Once you have the truth you can't go back. True happiness lies in the spirit - I know this now and it has changed my life. Again man what a pleasure to discuss these things with someone who gets me on this!! 

 

I see exactly what your saying about the acceptance, but don't you think you would have seen saying the same about accepting anxiety before you realised it helped? I might have made no sense to you, or seemed impossible but now you are practising brilliantly. In theory you could say how can I accept something as unpleasant as anxiety? And yet you CAN DO IT and it seems to be helping you. The thing with acceptance is this - it doesn't mean not trying to get better. It means accepting you are doing you best and that is all you can do. I'm seeing lots of doctors etc. I am doing my best to try and get better and in the mean time I accept what I can't control, I accept my situation. So if the the metal spoon was burning was burning my hand, well I would take it off. BUT if it was tied onto my hand and there was nothing I could do THEN I would just accept the situation as it is out of my control. Fighting against something you can't control just wastes energy and causes stress. It doesn't help. As I said before it is a hard concept to truly express in words, but much more something to experience. The great thing is you have experienced it with the anxiety, so you know how much it helps. You've seen how much it helped you in the traffic jam for example. So you can use that as a building block. It takes a lot of practice and work, and I'm still myself very very much a work in progress. But the great thing for me is that you are already being able to put it into practice in high stress situations! That is really exciting man and I am so proud of you for it! That really was a massive achievement the other day! You should feel seriously proud of that man!! The depression is like the anxiety in that it seems something so hard, an impossible project, but you even said yourself man that you can control things more than you give credit for. If you can accept the anxiety I think it is just a matter of time before you can accept the depression. The fundamental mental process is the same. 

 

And about the looking at the time - don't worry about it. You can't control things like that. Just let it be and carry on reading. Of course I making it sound simple when it is so so tough. But the big thing from ex OCD suffer is just accept that our brains do weird things at times and there is no point fighting against it, in fact fighting against makes it so so much worse. Our brains do weird things and we just have to let it be. Again that word - acceptance. Just complete acceptance. 

 

So I really hope your evening went well man! Hopefully you can have a good day tomorrow! Oh man loosing the sample!!!! NO!!! That really is the nightmare LOL!! I had blood test on Tuesday, then dropped off one urine sample today and then tomorrow I do a 24 hour urine sample! Friday afternoon then I can relax! 

 

Man I am here for you always and with joy! So love talking with you! We are spiritually on such a similar path! 

 

Love you so much!

 

God bless

[gail]

Prince of London, I enjoyed your post so much on acceptance. Thank you for every little bit off it.

Lovely Scrat, just a suggestion for your wife. Wouldn't she feel better if our prince wrote to her in a pm? I think so, if the prince has the energy for it. I love you both,

[invalidusername]

Gailge... she really needs to come to initial conclusions by herself. Just like we were talking about people who are lost. Until people can "find themselves", no-one can help them... not even their husbands!!

 

Love you too.. very much.

[invalidusername]

Evening brother....

 

Another great message - thanks so much. I am really trying to take this stuff on board - and despite having some really tough moments today, I managed it all. Woke up with horrible head fog/ache, but after I read your message I went to my new book - No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh. Have you read this one? If not I can highly recommend it. I was stuck it in for over 2 hours... 70 pages down already. This guy is awesome and I am looking forward to reading more, which is a big thing for my mornings. Apologies if you have already read it, but he uses some wonderful metaphors. He speaks a lot about how things are in a constant state, there is no birth and no death. The cloud was part of the ocean before it was "born", its "death" then becomes rain or snow, which becomes the grass, the cow... the milk and so on. He also speaks of how our spirit is like airwaves and with the right equipment, these can manifest. So our being here on earth is having the TV set or radio which can make something of the waves, but when we leave our body, it is just like not having the TV or radio anymore - we return to waves... or spirit. What was amazing is that despite having the worst head I've had in weeks, I had an hour of feeling absolutely great when I was reading. My head was trying to trip me up, but I felt like I could just be... and for that long was amazing!!!

 

Unfortunately, my depression followed, but this was spurred on by having a new client today, a load of food shopping to do and the wife being in a real state. All the same, I met with the new client (which I would normally put off, but I had to fill the space I had to keep the money coming in), two more clients and then 30 minutes (!) in Tesco!! I felt so ill, but really felt like I was being propped up somehow. I was trying to do a quick in and out but even though it was late, there were three people that I hadn't seen in years that stopped me mid-shop, so I had to engage. Then filled the car up with fuel, lugged the shopping up 5 flights of stairs and collapsed!

 

I was picturing your return journey home with your mum in the car and I can imagine that at the time it would have been as logical and straight-forward as anything else you would have done that day. It is amazing how it takes over you and I could feel it all day today. I could feel that I could so easily give in to it and I would just let it win. What I find I am left with is a very false victory. You might not have got to the point where the depression took over you, but you still feel exhausted and like you haven't achieved anything, but the achievement is in the not giving in... and I know we have to try to keep this up. Like you say - don't indulge in it - that is what I was trying for. It feels like the depression is pulling you into a ditch and you have to give all your strength not to get pulled in - not a fight (as we have said), but to just not take the bait. It lures you in with all the thoughts that I have. It does want you to see everything through its lens as you say. 

 

But I have seen what it is first hand today. And if nothing else, I got an extra hour on top of my 8 hours!! The problem is not being impatient with the rest and the physical illness etc. But of course, you know all about that anyway... far more than myself. 

 

So you will have seen the message from our Gailage, and along with not wanting to put you under the strain of dealing with the wife (and I can tell you it IS a strain!), but she really does need to see things for herself. She has got to start seeing the way forward by herself. Telling her is not going to help. I bought that OCD book by that chap you saw some time ago - weeks ago - and she still hasn't read it. If it were me, I would have been all over it. Maybe not every day, but I would have had it covered within the week. If she can't do that, she will not take words from anyone else. If she took my words, she may not have needed the therapy... which she decided was too much for her this week. I didn't have the energy to argue, but that was disappointing. Although my wallet breathed a sigh of relief!! LOL. But it is still too much pressure on me. I noticed yesterday that we were down to the last toilet roll, and it just would be nice if she could at least have a go at walking the short distance to the local and pick some up. But no. And its not like you can run out of that stuff is it!!!

 

So the acceptance paradox is next - maybe there was a bit of it today, but it felt more like an avoidance scheme than acceptance. And how you put it about the anxiety really opened my eyes about it - you are absolutely right. 18 months ago I would not have considered that I would be where I am now. And had I not have let the damn Mental Health team get involved, I am sure I would be so much further on than I am now. Before they were involved, I never suffered depression!! There is clearly a lot of hostility and anger built up in me yet. But this is where your mentioning of fighting something you do not have control over comes in. This is in the past and cannot be changed - thus is a waste of energy and extra stress.

 

And the last leg of the tests today! The 24hr job. Hope it went well and nothing was hindered. So hopefully you are looking forward to being all relaxed in the knowledge that you have done everything that has been asked. Will be a good feeling tomorrow afternoon - and a HUGE congrats from me for the undertaking of this - which is obviously on top of your usual weekly routine. I know it is something that needs to be done and in the long term will help you out, but it is just more stuff that you have to fit into everything somehow. 

 

Finally, I had word of a next session with the Mental Health... finally. At 9am tomorrow!! Great. Next to no sleep after being ill all day. I am not going to be in any sort of state, but I have to go through with it. It will be a case of waking up half 8, bit of breakfast, dress and out the door. I will only try to get some sleep when I get back!!! I have decided that if they cannot commit to a schedule for my next session while I am there, that I will request to be withdrawn and will have to bite the bullet and go private. Hopefully the extra work to pay will be paid off in the help I will be getting, but this needs to be done... Will report back tomorrow!

 

Love you so much brother...

 

God Bless