2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Thanks for your very encouraging message man... it was needed this morning for a moral booster. I wasn't exactly exercising the self-compassion earlier. Not a bad morning - for sure could have been worse, but after yesterday, I felt like the smallest thing could set me off and was feeling a bit neutral again. Gave myself a lay in, and what was supposed to be 3 clients turned out to be only 2 today, which meant I was only out and about for 3 hours. I did nothing else, but rested with laptop, or books. Was worried that my thoughts might take over, but I was so exhausted, it was almost like my head wanted to take a day off too.. which I was very grateful for! I am really trying to just let each day be what it will be, that way it won't start me worrying so much. But it ain't easy. I am still very scared about lapsing again... but who wouldn't be?!

 

Honestly, without your kind words and encouragement, I wouldn't be this far. My parents occasional help with such words, but my mother doesn't really understand, but my father really helps having gone through depression himself - he still suffers now along with a bit of social anxiety because of his Parkinson's, which means he is by default, low on dopamine. Drugs do what they can, but as we know, they are not a one-shot fix. Between the two of you (and the likes of Gail, Hat, Kathy et al on the site), I would for sure be a lot further back. 

 

So turning the tables to you... 2 hours of reading man... awesome. I have only managed an hour today as I kept falling asleep!! But this is a cracking start. Do you find that the previous 7 years without reading has limited the speed at which you read? Just interesting to see if after time, it loses skill. I know from my perspective that I read quickly only as a result of reading so many research and journal papers. When you are used to reading academic writing about correlations and chi-squared and confidence intervals, fiction is a walk in the park!! LOL. And, so what are you reading these days? Still on the Buddhism stuff?

 

I knew you would be mentioning the cat fairly quickly! Bless you brother. Of course you will miss your little furry guru. There is a new bond there which cannot be broken. Not sure a dog would be best as they really rely on human interaction. Cats of course can be on their own and suffer no emotional effects, whilst dogs will create havoc if left alone for too long. But if you were able to do two of your 20 minute walks a day, that would cover the exercise for a smallish dog. You could of course walk a cat too... I had one cat who loved to go walking. One of my happiest memories is when I got him a pet passport and took him for a few days to an air bnb in the middle of Paris. I would walk him on his lead to the shops and to the Eiffel Tower. But it would take ages just to walk a few yards. Every minute people would stop and ask to stroke him. He loved every minute of it, but it got a bit annoying after a while, so I would pick him up and carry him instead! Have you heard of the books of the street cat called Bob? These would be perfect for you... absolutely ideal following the last 5 weeks.

 

I like your thinking that if you can visit your aunt's place, then the same can follow for places in London. But yes, for sure get settled first and take things slow, bearing in mind that you have far less, environmentally speaking, to deal with in the countryside. Sheep don't get to you the same way people do, cats and dogs don't wander around in a daze on their mobile phones... I really miss the West country. I know I would be fine once there, and much like yourself, I wouldn't want to come back. Speaking of journeying between London and here, the route through Victoria looks much better as it is half the tube journey and a far smaller station to deal with. I don't mind stops on the train - it is the tube that gets me. Driving would be much easier as I would panic far less knowing I had the means to stop, turn round and go anywhere to calm. I wouldn't be subject to train delays or strikes and so forth. Sure there is traffic, but at least you are in your own little steel shell and can be shut off from the public. I have always driven most places if I could possibly do so. I remember during my first anxiety episode, I had an interview at a huge company in Soho and I couldn't pass it up. These were the days when my agoraphobia was really bad. I got the train into London, and a tube and walked a fair way... AND had an interview with three people. I will never know how I did that, but I can remember getting through nearly a whole can of Lynx!! I must have sweated my body weight in the space of that afternoon!!

 

Right. Time for my special K and back to my book. Hoping you had a good day and looking forward to hearing more musings on the cat! Very proud for you to be getting out and walking straight away and getting back into your previous routine. It would be so easy just to shut yourself away and pine for the ways that were over the last month or so, but you have gone ahead and motivated yourself to adapt - a true place of strength brother - so a huge congrats from me on that one. Keep going man - these things will become commonplace soon and you will be looking for greater challenges and exposures... and I will be with you the whole way!

 

Love you man...

 

God Bless

 

p.s. Gailage - I saw you here earlier reading our messages, so I am glad you found a moment to check in. Can't wait to hear how you are settling in - but obviously as and when. LDN and I are always here for you... loving you, praying for you... and as LDN always says, joy is coming!!  

[LDN]

Hey man so another day here of sort of flatness. I had my osteopath but the traffic was horrific so missed nearly half the session! Still I remained pretty calm in the car which was good. I was pretty relaxed when I arrived, which I'm sure I wouldn't have been a while back. I'm finding my spirituality is helping keeping me really calm at the moment on a consistent basis. The problem comes with motivation. At times I can't help but feel I'm just killing time till the I go home. I'm not really killing time, since I'm doing all my spiritual reading which is making me grow hugely but when I'm not reading at the moment it just so flat. I think since reading is the only thing I enjoy at the moment I need to make more time for it in my day. If I could get back to 3 or 4 hours a night that would be fantastic I think. I was like that last winter. Then once I started on exposures this year inevitably that took up energy and time, which was definitely worthwhile of course, but did mean I had less time reading. Also as I saw the cat did take up time, it did cut into my reading time, but again it was worth it 100%. 

 

I'm dyslexic so a pretty slow reader. I can't spell at all LOL!! You should see my writing out these posts, every other word is onto google to get the spelling!! I couldn't even spell dyslexic LOL!! I think I have it pretty bad, so it another thing to add to my list LOL!! Because of it I didn't read too much really, until last year when as I couldn't watch films or listen to music, it was the only thing I could do. Then I sort of got hooked. I have definitely read more books in the last year than my whole life combined. It's one of the very few things I enjoy and can actually do. But I now see my spiritual readings as my job. It's all research for my book, if I ever write it. I'm basically doing my own uni course. My pace of reading depends a lot on how much profound what I am reading is. If it is something really deep, I like to take time outs to reflect on the implications of what I read, so I can properly digest it. I'm still reading spiritual stuff. I haven't read anything not spiritual for absolutely ages. At the moment it is my sole interest really. Football to unwind and for light entertainment and spirituality for substance. That's basically my interests right now! I am really interested in the cross over of science and spirituality, so might be reading so more books on quantum physics soon possibly. But I would be coming at it from a spiritual angle. I got a second hand book of a Benedictine monk and a physicist in discussion, so looking forward to that. The Dalai Lama is into science, so might read some more of him as well. At the present moment reading about Jesus and the Bible -another big area for me. I like studying different translations. I've finished the book on evolutionary psychology and Buddhism, which my brother gave me for my birthday and was really good. 

 

Also today I had some pretty bad pains in stomach. I had this before in 2014 and the moment I came off dulox it stopped. So I suspect it is the dulox again. I ended having a night in hospital back then as I lost so much weight, so as you can imagine I'm feeling a little nervous. I have been losing weight for a while now as well. There is no way I can just stop cold turkey like last time, so we'll have to see how things develop. Also was so weak this morning. The worst for a while. My legs were so tight. I know for sure this is dulox, as it stopped last summer the moment I came off. So I feel really physically weak and on top of that so unmotivated and flat. Thankfully I've got my reading!! I'm flirting with feeling sorry for myself at the moment, which I did so well to deal with over the last few months. My thought patterns are regressing a bit into that self pity mode of 'there is so much wrong with me, nothing is improving, I am just meant to live like a vegetable' sort of thing! But I've got over it before! I also feel more fragile around this time of the year with it getting dark earlier. Especially with my sleep timetable. Had my worse depressions in the winter before Christmas so psychologically it's always a bit tough. But it's hard to judge too much as it's only been a few days! 

 

So by the sounds of it a decent day for you, in context of yesterday. I'm pleased about that. Nice your head wanted a day off!! Of course you would be scared of the lapsing, as you say who wouldn't be. But you have a great attitude in taking it one day at a time right now. I got the point when I was just to bored to bother worry about the future. I had tired me out too much over the years and I just couldn't be bothered to put the effort into looking too far ahead. So just try and think not much more than a week or two ahead. Things are so changeable, so it's not worth it. Like in the country, I think how I mentally dealt with that was really good progress for me. I never thought 'I am here for a month' when I was going down or when I got there. It was simply let get's through the first night and then lets assess in a week. By about week 3 I then mentioned to my parents the possibility of staying for an extra week because by then I was really enjoying it. But it would have made me go crazy with anxiety if I had gone down thinking 'I'm here for 5 weeks'. No chance I would have thought, it would have been terrifying. So I try and just float and let's things come along rather than chasing them. Trust the plan and let it be. Float and go with the flow. Like I told Gail let the rhythm of life take me where it wishes. Time goes much quicker I find when you aren't thinking too far ahead. 

 

Oh man that story about your cat is amazing! How did you get it there? Is there a special animal section of the Eurostar? What type of cat was it? That must have been quite recent if you stayed in an Air BnB? That is awesome! Great effort for making it there man! I haven't been abroad since Germany for my Lyme treatment. Used to travel a fair bit before I got ill in 2011. Did you walk the cat in uk as well? That is cool man! Wow was just reading about that street cat named Bob, that's incredible! They even made a film of it! Such a cute cat as well! Got me really wanting one for London now!! My therapist suggested it as well! I'll have to do some research! 

 

In terms of the train I was more thinking of me when a bit better. Would love to see the sea as well! Man that interview sounds crazy!! I hope it was worth it! I'm pretty freaked out by the tube but it's something i plan to work on with my therapist. 

 

Thanks for those words man! Means a lot! You've helped me so much, as I said before. You only have to look at where i was when I came on the forum compared to now!! I was barely leaving the front door when we first met!! So thank you so much for everything!! 

 

I will be praying. 

 

Love you so much man

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Evening brother...

 

Well done for getting through that traffic - shame you missed half your session, but hopefully it was worth it all. The motivation thing is something that always comes back to me, and is common with just about all strains of depression. If we could see the point in doing the things we liked, it would meant we liked doing them; ergo, no depression!! LOL. We just have to fake it til be make it as they say. It does pass, so we might as well get on with it... but I know just how difficult it is not to just sit and stare at the ceiling. I have only felt half motivated until about 8pm this evening - and it was then that I started my study. Kratom always gives me motivation - never a single time when it hasn't. I think the problem here is that you had all the other stuff going on during those 5 weeks - specifically the cat - that took up this time. You now no longer have this, so you need to find the ways and means you spent your time before you went down there. Underneath it all, you are still craving those things you did and it will take time for the "london-you" to resume.

 

I forgot you were dyslexic - and that is not the easiest word to spell - even I had to use auto-correct and I have a Masters in English!! LOL. So do you think you would get into fiction or real-life books at all? I was like you a couple of years ago, reading nothing by spirituality, which was just fine, but I took the dive and started reading kids books to get some escapism of a different kind. I have never looked back. I now pick and choose what to read based on what I feel needs fulfilling in my life at that time. But football might have that effect on you - I don't know!! I have never really been one for sports, or TV in general. The only sports I have watched is the World Rally. Nothing else really interests me...

 

To catch you up after we last spoke... I had my dinner, and within about 20 minutes I have the most excruciating (auto-correct again!) stomach pains and started sweating. I ran to the bathroom and by the time I got there, it had switched to nausea and well, what happened you can guess. The aftermath was chills and shaking and weakness. I had food poisoning. I know a lot about it having worked in many places whilst at university. I just got loads of glasses of water on my nightstand and went to bed. Today has been gripping stomach pains and headache/fever which has gradually got better as the day has gone on. Only light cereals, toast and yogurt - no fats or carbs. Loads of green tea. I should be ok for dinner again this evening. But being a vegetarian, you don't often get food poisoning, but it does happen. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. The moment it takes hold, you feel like you are about to die... I thought I was going to throw a lung!!

 

On top of that, the wife woke up in a bad way and has been suicidal for half of the day. I tried to comfort her, but being in the same room all the time (as I couldn't really get about) meant it was opening me up to it. Really had to get my defenses up. A tough day, but overall, I think I did quite well. The next couple of days will be the defining factor. See how well my resilience held up.

 

So... this is really amazing that you had stomach problems as well. What is going on brother?! We must be really tuned into each other - we always seem to be going through the same thing at the same time!! So can you remind me where you are at with the Dulox? I can remember when you went off and how long you have been back on, and how much you are on? I would look back through our posts here, but as we have been journaling for so long, it would take ages to find!! The self-pity thing is one that my new therapist picked right up on with me. Not difficult to see, but it is a nasty trap to get caught in. The previous therapist had me watching TED talks which really helped, and the writings of Brene Brown. I still have her notes somewhere and refer back to them from time to time. Have you ever watched TED talks? There is a host of information out there. One good thing about having a smart phone is that I download talks that I can watch if I get caught somewhere and need distraction.   

 

You are absolutely right with your advise - I should not look forward to far ahead. Things are so changeable. Even later the same day. Just like last night - who would know I would get food poisoning!? Fortunately, my friend who I see said it would be easier for her to catch up tomorrow, so that worked out good. Besides, one of her children who suffers from anxiety has emetophobia (phobia/fear of vomiting), so there was no way I could have been there today - just in case. And if the poor bugger got my germs, that would be his worst fear realised... vomiting himself. I would not have wanted that.

 

The cat went on the plane with me!! They let me take him on as carry on as he was so docile. They said as long as he stayed on my lap and I didn't let him out of the cage... was 50 euros, but well worth it. This was back in 2014. And yes, I used to travel all over Europe back then. Not many places I haven't been. I really miss it, but I will get there soon. So I guess you haven't learnt to drive? So public transport might not hold the fear that it does for me!! I don't like being transported by someone other than myself. I am so used to driving myself everywhere. I even get nervous when I am in a car with someone else driving!! I am just not used to it.

 

Right, time to think about dinner and hope all goes to plan!! Hope you found some motivation today through your reading. I am sure over the next few days, your routine will take again, and things will improve. It is so much easier for an outsider to observe these things. This is one of the many things that I love being able to talk with you about. Would never be without you man...

 

Love you!

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey man! So last summer i came off 120mg over 3 weeks. Got through 8 weeks of horrific withdrawal effects and but was so determined to not go back on. Then things got even worse and I started to get unbelievable panic attacks, I felt i needed to be hospitalised. I went back on 30mg. Then the next few weeks the depression got worse and worse. The stress of the withdrawal had led to a complete breakdown. I tried to hold out as long as I could but life was at risk, tried Prozac it made me worse. So went back to 60mg, within about 30 minutes I felt so much better. I then went to 90mg and then 120mg as a precaution because the situation was so precarious. Been on 120mg ever since. Never fully recovered from last summer breakdown. Took till April this year to see any improvement. Considering the depression I have faced the last few days, I can't even dream of reducing my dose at the moment, which is a real pity. I am completely trapped. The side effects of drug are so bad but as I messed up coming off last summer so much, and because since them my depression has been so bad I have no choice but to stay on them. Sorry for being so grim man. No point thinking too far ahead. I lost my aunt to depression when she was 21, it's in my genes. Depression is so hereditary.  From my aunt it was passed down to me. My aunt (her sister) also have depression, but not severe. Her daughter, my cousin also has depression but not too severe either. I got the lucky ticket LOL! God Bless my aunt, back in those days the care and awareness was shocking. We will see what God's plan has in store. I'm sorry for being so negative. I'm really sorry. But I don't want to be fake to you. Then you won't know when I'm happy if it's genuine. 

 

You can probably tell from my tone that it has been rough. Woke with bad pains in my stomach for 3rd day in a row. This hit me really hard mentally. I was thinking 'not another thing to worry about'. Got me feeling very low. The pain was exhausting as well. Managed to get on a walk, but it was not enjoyable. Felt depressed on it. One of the worst walks I have had, was ominous to be honest. Then got back and this evening been a bit better. Still getting depressed before bed, but not as bad as before. Generally, I feel weak, unmotivated, flat, uncomfortable and sorry for myself. I lost my temper with my brother which was disappointing, but the stomach had worn me down. It was nothing, but still first time I've shouted for so long, felt really disappointing. My spirituality is just not clicking. I'm going over and over in my head my teachings but it doesn't stick. My faith is strong, but it's just not lifting me like usual. I'm not having doubts but I'm not getting the happiness out of it that it usually brings. My self control is normally so good, so was a big shock to lose my temper this morning. My mindfulness has helped me so much in this regard and I just couldn't believe it when I shouted. I immediately apologised and was just in such shock at myself. I'm fragile at the moment, and those pains just pushed me too far. Still what was I saying about self love? LOL!! I'm being too perfectionist here! I guess that self control is just one of self things I actually can do well and something that I have worked on so hard. I'm struggling to distance myself from my feelings and emotions, which i have been so good at recently. Again like I say too you it's not a straight line, and there will be blips. I know even some of the great mystics have had moments of struggle, crippling doubt and stuff like that. 

 

Oh man that is truly strange you had food poising! This is getting weirder and weirder LOL! I'm truly sorry you had to go through that though! Not what you needed!! But it sounds like you dealt with it really well! Your handling things really great right now! And having to deal with your wife as well! Man I would go further than quite well and say absolutely brilliant. Great you can see it too. Really great you can see that improvement in your reactions. As we always say it is the reactions that are so important. I'm so proud of how you are handling things. That sounds a really tough 24 hours but yet you sound really positive! Massive well done man! It is inspiring for me, while I'm in a dip here, to see you dealing with things so well! Man no pressure for the next few days. Just take things as they come. As I said just float, not fight. If you our dealing with things as well you are right now, then you don't have to worry what comes up as you have it covered. You have the tools to handle these things. 

 

2014 wow I was already a year into Lyme by then! Cool you travelled all around. I managed to fit a decent amount in before I got ill in 2011. But now I travel my mind instead!! I never left Europe in my life, but done a lot of western Europe. I'm lucky with what I fitted in before I got ill to be fair more than most. I had a very fun teen years, my brother even says at 23 I've done more or the same as him and that was with me stopping everything at 18/19! So where was your favourite place then? No I don't drive. Would be handy down in Somerset, but in London you don't need it. I can't see myself having the energy or resources for it. Both siblings and both parents drive so plenty off people on hand to help. Then I get to meditate so it works for me!! Yeah football is my cut off, my escape. Been massive for me last 8 years. Did read a few novels last Winter and enjoyed it but right now there is so much for me to get through in terms of spiritual books to read. Plus some science ones as well. 

 

Sorry for negativity man! Feel bad about that - but just so flat here right now! Reading you helps as always! Thanks man! Also very inspiring to me while I'm in this rut! So much respect for you brother! So sorry for not being on best form tonight! 

 

My mum asked after you tonight and sends her best! 

 

I hope you have a nice day tomorrow! Hope that stomach clears up and also I hope your wife starts to feel better! 

 

I will be praying! 

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

Thanks for the recap on the Dulox. So you are still holding steady on the 120mg... I think it is going to be difficult to know when things can be tried again... when to dip your toe in the water of taper so to speak. But for the moment, I think it is wise to remain as you are so anything that happens in terms of symptoms can be limited to as few variables as possible. A good few months of data is what is needed, which is exactly what I am doing. I still cannot say with absolute certainty that it is my homeopathic remedy that has given me these last couple of weeks or whether the citalopram has finally kicked back in. I seem to recall that around Christmas and New Year 2018, I was having the same 2 weeks straight before any bad stuff, so this was around 4 months after I reinstated the dose, which is more or less the amount of time since I cut the Lexapro out and was purely on the Citalopram. Time will tell, but it is nuts that we have to stay on the ball so much to keep up with it all isn't it!!

 

You never have to fake anything with me man - never. We speak the truth, and there is nothing that can harm me from your words - it will only induce empathy from me and give me content for my quieter times of prayer. And we've done it again you know. You lost your temper for the first time in goodness knows how long... and I did just that on Thursday. We are better than the weather!! 

 

It is a shame that you are in this neutral patch at the moment, and I still think it is all connected to the break you had. I am hoping that as this week goes by you will start to come out of it, with maybe a mini rollercoaster. It for sure won't be 5 weeks to get back to routine, but there would have been a shock to the system which needs to come out in the ways only it knows. You have been doing so well with the distancing of emotions - something that I have always been jealous of! It is a skill that you have learnt and learnt well. That won't have gone away. The pains of course won't be helping. Just something small like that is all it takes sometimes. Just like my small stress blip this time last week which caused the seizure. As you say - never a straight line. 

 

I saw my weekend friend today and we had a good chat, and we spoke about your good self and showed her the photo of you with the cat - as she is also a cat (and dog) lover! In fact, I have a wonderful story about her dog that I will tell you tomorrow. It is in a similar vein to your cat and his rat bits and bobs. Remind me tomorrow and I will let you know - something for you to look forward to!! We spoke at length about how it is all down to how we react to our thoughts, but when the physical comes along, it is something more tangible that is not so easily ignored. You can't distract from pain quite as easily - unless you are that monk bloke who could go without anesthetic before that operation! It is natural to feel as you do when this happens. This is why I was so desperate to get rid of all of that stuff that the Lexapro was doing to me. So many months of pain. I really understand and I wish there was more I could do for you brother. 

 

Regarding travels I think every place has its merits. Even the places I have seen in Eastern Europe. Some horrific places for sure, but equally some amazing sights. I have changed a radiator hose on a car in the early hours of the morning in Hungary, walked through fields of weed in Ukraine, had a gun pointed at me in Moldova... but I think the nicest place I have even seen is either a little village in northern Italy somewhere up in the mountains where a sweet old lady cooked me dinner once, or another small village in southern Germany close to the Swiss border where I stopped overnight - I forget the name, but the place was just littered with flowers, religious statues and rivers, green banks and the loveliest people. I really miss those days. But I am pleased to have had them, and I sincerely hope I can enjoy them again soon.

 

Right - time for food and some relaxing. Please pass my sincere thanks to your mum - so kind of her to ask of me. Stomach and head has been a bit touch and go still after the food poisoning, but am feeling better. Hopefully it will continue tomorrow. Hope you found some light during the course of today and again, speak freely friend. Whatever you need to say, do so. I value your openness so very much - it is part of what makes you the damn fine friend that you are...

 

Much love and light brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! I appreciate that so much! Thanks for being there! Today has been a little bit better. Felt less depressed on my walk - certainly didn't feel great but not too depressed either. I was saying over and over to myself - 'I am spiritual being having a human experience' - and applying that to my situation. It really helped to see things in a less dangerous and more gentle and unthreatening way. When my spirituality is clicking my whole consciousness changes. My life is transformed. So that is why it has been tough the last few days when it's felt a bit rusty and not piercing through. I then start to view things in distorted ways. Through the lens of either my depression, anxiety or my physical problems. I'm normally really good with physical issues since I live in constant discomfort with my fatigue and legs. I was thinking last night how when after the ketamine I had that pain (if you remember that LOL!), that I was very calm and was able to distance myself from it. Considering that is quite a psychological area as well. But this stomach pain I have dealt with as well. I've let it become the story if you like. Made a much bigger deal about it than it warranted. The good thing is I know I'm failing into traps, at least I can see where I am going wrong. There is a lot going on subconsciously at the moment and I'm sure this is draining me leaving me less energy to deal with things that normally I handle well. 

 

Still feel a little lost and confused. Seeing my p doc for first time in 6 weeks tomorrow and not sure where to start. But things change so quickly like you were saying. After I posted yesterday I suddenly felt so bad and weak, it came on really quickly. I was doing my stretches and thought I can't get up - just didn't have the motivation. I just wanted to lie on the sofa and stair at the ceiling. But after an hour of reading I felt transformed. My mind was buzzing with ideas. I went to bad then from that bad to good all in space of an hour and half! Crazy how these funny minds work! So again thanks for putting up with my ranting last night man!! LOL! 

 

I'm sure you are right in that it is a reaction to those great 5 weeks away! I haven't felt that good for basically 8 years, so that is pretty intense! That is a big act to follow! Had 3 different visits in 5 days in the last week, and that is mostly people I hadn't seen since 2011! This is massive emotional stuff to deal with. In London before i went to the country my rule was generally see somebody once every 2 weeks, so that is a huge jump! Now is very much a bit after the Lord Mayor's show. Just struggling to find a rhythm. Also feel my body is trying to adjust to the change in seasons as well. Having had a very good summer of progress that coming to an end is symbolic. I'm a bit seasonal depressive anyway, I struggle with it getting dark earlier. 

 

Oh man really happy you had a good time with your friend! So how many cats and dogs does she have? And what breed of dog? I'm looking forward to heating that story! My sister is down in the country this weekend with friends and she sent my mum a picture of the cat looking cosy with one of her friends! I was happy she had some good company, but felt a bit cheated on LOL!! Talking of that Buddhist monk, did you hear about how in 1963 a Buddhist monk set himself on fire as a protest. He didn't flinch once apparently. Incredible what these guys could do! 

 

Those travels sound incredible. I have been to areas similar in that I have been to the Italian lakes which may have been fairly near by where you were. I have been twice to Lake Garda and it is so beautiful. Also when I went for my treatment in Germany is half way between Munich and Salzburg, so it was near the Austria border. It was a lovely place - amazing air as it was near the mountains and a very Lederhosen vibe. It was great place for a clinic actually. You could see snow capped mountains in the Spring! My parents loved the area! So if I do have to go back, at least it is a nice place to visit!! 

 

Really happy to hear that your stomach is faring a bit better. My brother got back at 4 am last night, been out some pubs in east London, seemed alright when I spoke to him, but today had a terrible hangover! Was in bed all day and being sick non stop! So it spreading man!! LOL! One thing I don't miss from my youth is those hangovers!! 

 

Hope you had a nice evening and then tomorrow goes well! I have to be up at 12 50, which is mental for me!! So early bed tonight! LOL!! Also forgot to say i had the nicest lie today. Not sure what was so good about it, but just remember lying there feeling so great! My mum came in and turned my alarm off and I just lay in bliss! Was a really nice moment! 

 

Love you so much man!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother!!

 

Bit of an odd day for me this end. Feeling very disconnected. Having some real difficulty with the wife now. Her depression is really digging its claws in, and she can't not talk about it. I want to help her, but she is bringing me down along with it. Reminds me of that part in "Where dreams may come" when Robin Williams tries to help his wife from the lower levels of the afterlife. Don't know if you have seen it, but it is the closest thing to a visual depiction of heaven I have seen. I am standing at the top of the hole offering my hand to pull her out, and I feel I am getting pulled in, more than I am pulling her out. Man, it is so tough. So I think my brain has sort of shut off to protect me, if that makes sense.

 

That said, it has been a busy forum day today. Lots of new material and users, which has kept me busy and reminding me of just how bad I used to be. It has made be think just how fortunate I am to be where I am being able to work, do the shopping etc. I have come a long way, and I need to be reminded of this sometimes.

 

Anyway - glad your situation has improved a bit and it is really good that you can see where you are getting pulled in. It is like the brain goes into autopilot and everything has a negative connotation whether you like it or not. You see something, or think of something, and your head will find a quick route to find something negative. This is the very nature of it. It is essentially how much we pay attention to these things. I have a quote from Dr Steven Brownlow on my desktop which I find helpful to make myself read as often as I can...

 

"It's not the emotion itself that is the problem but how we feel about having had that emotion. Likewise it is not the thought that derails us, but rather our fear about what the thought says about us. Thoughts and feelings are just commentary in our lives, not marching orders." 

 

And seriously well done for getting yourself to the reading point and sticking with it until you broke those connections. Your evening is like my morning, and I think if I wrote to you when I woke up, my messages might have a bit more of a dark undertone, but much like you, I ensure that I write exactly what has occured during the day. We need to keep a watch out for each other! Speaking of which, I spoke to my parents about our watching out for each other and showed them your photos of your break. They seemed really interested in your Lyme and I think I got most of the details. It is interesting more now than a while ago since the onset of my fathers Parkinsons. 

 

My friend has only the one cat and one dog, although she seems to have adopted the cat from one of the neighbours! The dog is a Scottish terrier and the cat is just your standard moggy. So it was at the start of last summer when they noticed a lump behind the dog's ear. The vet didn't think it was anything to be concerned about, but he felt it necessary to remove it all the same. He would then have it analysed to find out just what it was. He gave a local anaesthetic and carefully cut the lump out and placed it in the surgical dish ready to contain it. He then turned to my friend and explained what would happen to the lump (about the size of a golf ball) and how they would determine what it could be. They then turned around and went back to the surgical dish... but it was empty! Just seconds ago, it had the lump in question sitting there. They looked at the dog and he was licking his mouth... he had eaten the lump!!!

 

So they never did find out what it was, but it has not come back, so all is considered well.. LOL.

 

Right, I need to catch up on a bit of study before dinner. Turned out to be a busy evening and am a but late on getting started. I remember that monk you mentioned as it was the front cover of the album by Rage against the machine. One of the bands I liked back in the day... I don't know if you remember them, but it is quite a desired taste in music shall we say. Not sure if I would still enjoy listening to it today!

 

So how did the p-doc appointment go today? Any more news on the stomach? And so happy to hear about your lay in!! What I would give to finally be there where I could wake and enjoy the bliss of an empty head that would allow me to do that!!

 

Love you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi man really sorry to hear about your wife. Do you think her depression could be related to her coming off her antidepressants (I can't remember what she was taking). Maybe some form of withdrawal induced depression? Of course that must be very tiring and stressful for you. I can really see how this is such a difficult situation for you. At least she is getting therapy, maybe that could have brought some stuff up to the surface? Anyway a really tough situation for you but by the sound of it your handling it well. I think the main thing is that your more of a help to her if your doing well. The better you are, the better for her as well. Also please send my wife your best! 

 

Absolutely man you have come so far! It's great you can see that and feel that gratitude for your development. Everything I have read about the science of happiness says that gratitude is very important. I'm really pleased to see you can give yourself some self love and realise just what an amazing job you have done! Your on a really good path now man, I feel such positivity in you! The energy you have been giving off is really great and I'm just really excited for you now!! So a massive well done and also I think it is fantastic that you help others through their tough moments with your knowledge, wisdom and compassion.  Their are so many people all over the world suffering and the more we can see we are not an island and our not alone, the better. 

 

So this morning was a bit groggy and unmotivated and was also running late again. So when I got in the car I was annoyed at myself for getting my timings wrong and feeling so frustrated. My stomach was not feeling good either. All in all I felt really irritable and edgy and very unimpressed with myself. So I just thought lets meditate. My mum just drove and I had a really great 30 mins of meditation that completely transformed me. I really looked hard at my frustration and stress. I looked hard at the stomach problems. I didn't block them or run from them. I let them be there and just looked at them- with not negative or positive but just looking. Just deep in meditation. 30 mins later felt energised, relaxed, good humoured. We were there about 7 minutes late but it didn't bother at all. When I got in she wasn't even ready to see me for a good few minutes! What a lesson that was! If I spend the journey stressing and worrying I would have got there in terrible state and then she wasn't ready to see me straight away anyway!! It would have been so counter-productive and just a massive waste of energy! We can't read the future so why start panicking? Then when I went I was composed, clear minded and in a very productive mindset for the session. Went through the last 6 1/2 weeks with her in a very enjoyable fashion and it was generally a great session. She was so pleased about how the country went and was so positive with me, which just gave me a further lift. Was a relief to get her up to date and now start working together for a plan forward. So I was so pleased with my mind work. When meditation works like that it is just an amazing feeling. I completely reversed my whole condition in just 30 mins! And that was car meditation as well. That was really carrying on from where I left off in the country. 

 

I got home and then did a further 17 minutes walking meditation in the garden. Came out of that feeling really good as well. I said prayers throughout the day for you, including in my garden meditation. Since my siesta haven't felt so great and this stomach coming back into play again. It's taking so much out of me. Just constantly uncomfortable. If it carries on few more days might have to look into it, though I think it is probably a side effect of dulox since I had this before. But nevertheless I really encouraged by this morning and hope to use that approach to make dealing with my stomach easier. I think it is unlikely there is anything wrong but just the drugs do want the do, creating random problems! So it more of my reaction to it that is important, since I don't think anything will come up if I do get it checked. It's affecting my appetite or making me sick. I have learnt to deal with chronic discomfort in my legs, so this is just something else to adapt to. I can't lie though it's freaky when you get drug side effects randomly when you have been on them a while, does shake you up. You start worrying about what are the implications going forward and then it's just a spiral of worry about the future - which is my big weakness, understandably in my condition I think. 

 

Wow that is amazing about the dog! That is so funny how it eat it!  A Scottish terrier nice, has it got a beard? Yeah I know Killing in the name of, and that was a big song for me at 17 LOL! Didn't realise that was the cover! Thanks for the quote as well man, agree with it completely! 

 

Hope you got some good study in! Keep up the great work man!! 

 

Love you man! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

It is with a heavy heart that I bring the news that today tipped the scales. It has been a tough one this end and am only just calming down. I had a good 7 hours kip without disruption, and awoke from the most amazing dream, but as soon as I was awake the most intense depression hit from nowhere and I was thinking "for the love of God, at least give me a chance!". I'll admit I wallowed for about 30 minutes before I started occupying myself, but even when I did, there was no change. After a couple of hours, it did ease up, but I then remained in "survival" mode for the rest of the day whereby I can work, do the shopping (both of which I did) and just about get by. I fake my way through the day but inside I just want to go home and feel sorry for myself. Before work I was trying ways to distance myself through meditation, but I just couldn't break free of my thoughts. I know it won't happen overnight, but I could barely manage 5 minutes - the thoughts were just too overpowering - the most prominent of which being the old... "I'm never going to break this cycle of depression".

 

Regarding the wife, I am sure that stopping the Lexapro will have influenced her mood to a degree, but she was still having these times even when she was on 10mg of the stuff. It just did not do anything. And besides, her problem is more one that needs her input of getting out and engaging in life - no pill is going to do that for her. This is why she has gone for therapy. But my goodness, yes, it really does a number on me. The combination of her suicidal mood swings and the food poisoning definitely had a art to play for where I am today. Her therapist sounds really good and the wife speaks very highly of her, so whilst I think it will take time (I can hear my wallet screaming!), I think it will prove effective. On that note, still no word from my therapist. She said she will call asap with a time and day for a second appointment this week. Wednesday tomorrow... not looking good. Same old story with the damn NHS. I'm hardly going to get anything from this unless there is some consistency am I.... pfffff.....

 

Sorry, I am a bit low at the moment. I appreciate you bearing with me this far! The wife returns your regards and sends you her very best.

 

It is truly amazing that your 30 minutes in the car yielded such a profound effect on your mood - and great that you did not lose any of your session. Man, I really need to get to grips more with this stuff you do. I know I have done well over the last 3 weeks, but once it has you in its grips, this is what does it for me. If I can shake it off within the hour, I can let it go, but the panic sets in when nothing I can do budges it. It is like I am fighting with chemicals in my brain rather than my own consciousness. The frustration of just simply not being able to doing anything - not one damn thing - to improve the situation. In the end I just tell myself that I will end up getting myself worse if I keep trying and just give in and try to accept. Just get on with it and wait for it to pass. But behind all this I know the longer it takes to pass, the more difficult it will be to let more time pass. It is like someone is jabbing you constantly in the side with a stick... how can you ignore that?! Its the spiral of worry for the future just as you say. I am so glad you understand all this. We are never alone when we are together like this. It is a huge comfort.

 

Speaking of which, you must be feeling something very similar on a physical level with your stomach. Odd that it comes and goes if it is the duloxetine though. You'd think if it were an effect of the med that it would be there more consistently. Like you say - it would freak you out when they are random like that. However... did it coinside with your return home from the west country? I forget.... but that might explain a fair bit. Just like my physical stuff returns with a certain level of stress. 

 

My friend's dog has indeed got a beard! He had quite a haircut for the summer, but left his beard and a tuft on his tail!! Study went well - got a good couple of hours in. Supervisor wants a meet next week so I need to get a bit more in. Isn't usually a problem as I do it at night when mood is mostly elevated. 

 

Apologies that reply was a bit one-sided this evening, but as I am sure you can see, today has hit me a bit hard. First day after such a lengthy period of normality will always hit hard - is just a reminder that I am not going to get rid of it all that easily. It is the proverbial kipper across the face that brings back the reality and makes the last few days seem like a fairy tale... but I am trying my best to turn that around. I experienced reality through those few days... and I want it back!!

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man I'm so sorry about today. Sounds like you had a bit of a situation like myself at the end of the country, where intense depression kicked after such a good 5 weeks. It is a massive shock. It is when we are most vulnerable. It's not that we forget what the depression was like but we get into a new mindset and rhythm and then BAM the depression slips in again. We weren't ready for it. When things are bad we are ready and in the mindset of accepting the depression is with us, so the shock and the pain isn't so bad. Like me, you were simply a victim of your own success in those great last few weeks. If you had today a few weeks back it probably wouldn't have been so bad. But obviously the fact you those good few weeks is a positive, even if it means the depression was more difficult to deal with than normal. Just like how I would not have wanted the trip to the country to go worse, just so the depression at the end was easier to handle. These dips will happen to both of us and with time we will learn how to deal with it. Having a bad few days happens, it doesn't reflect on the general direction we are heading. It is never a straight line. After the ketamine I had a seriously bad few days, but then bounced back and had a really good 3 months. I was worrying at the time whether I had thrown all my good work away, but in fact I only bounced back even better than before. So I think the best thing is to try not to read too much into a bad day here and there and more look at the general direction over the last month or so, which is a very positive direction. I myself try this. To place stuff in a wider context. So right now the last few months have been great despite this dip I had, so only if I have a whole month of bad will I have grounds to worry. As I say these bad are seriously tough when we are doing well, and it is almost impossible not to start over analysing and panicking. Just like myself on the journey back from Somerset when I got into such a negative spiral. However since then I have managed to get into a much more balanced place. It takes time when the depression comes back to get used to it and remember how we deal with it. The fact you managed to get a shop in and do your work is fantastic, and you so be so proud of yourself. 

 

I'm afraid I have bad news in that my stomach is getting worse. Today has been very very hard. To be fair it was been pretty constant since about Friday. Worse is first thing in the morning. It takes a good hour to get my head around how uncomfortable I feel. Today is definitely the worst it's been, and has been all day. It is the exact same feeling I had last year briefly when I was in withdrawal, so I am fairly confident it is the dulox. Plus the fact that I have an appetite and don't feel sick. The feeling is like how you feel when you are desperate to the loo, sorry for the detail but desperate for a number two. Know that really uncomfortable feeling? It is that but just always there. When I actually do need the loo it is hard to notice as the feeling is same. Again sorry for detail but I wanted to give you an idea so you had a better understanding. I am finding it incredibly stressful. Like your thought of 'i'm never going to break this cycle of depression', I have in my head 'this is a permanent condition'. Because I can't just come of the dulox quickly it is not something that is going to go away soon, if it is the dulox causing it. Plus I am nowhere near stable enough to even consider coming of the dulox yet! So it's a trap! I'm not getting like last summer again so I'll just have to put up with it, but what if it gets worse? Today it went up a level in discomfort. The whole thing is making me incredibly stressed. It's a constant, I can't get it out of my mind. It's completely dominating me. To be honest I can cope if it was a short term thing, but it is very hard not to think about the long term possibilities. Also on the back of such a good trip, for something new then to pop up, it just seems a unending cycle. Obviously it could be something else, so I will try and organise some stuff - get in touch with my Lyme doctor since he knows all about that area. 

 

I totally see what you are saying about the meditation. Look how much I'm struggling with my stomach, and that a physical sensation which is much easier to distance yourself from than emotions! Also when I came down from the country I didn't even try meditating for even one minute I felt too negative, so 5 minutes is better than me! And remember man that I am 8 years into this, whereas for you it is shorter. Being ill is my 'normal' now! To be honest I think the fact to you are trying is great, as I say something I didn't do the last week! Also as you say it is something that does take time. The thing the only way to keep improving is to keep practising. Today I was totally feeling overwhelmed and thinking back to yesterday morning really helped me life my mood. Knowing I had the capability to reach such a nice state in 30 minutes, from being in such a bad place was such an encouragement. Also the more results you see, the more you'll want to practice. I was so excited after what happened yesterday, I was thinking to myself 'I have to meditate more than I am!'. That's why when I got home I went out and did 17 minutes walking meditation straight away!! 

 

So despite being such a difficult day, then was a positive in that I did a good exposure on my walk. I have a Sainsbury's on the end of my road, but haven't been in yet, as it's so near I like to walk further. So it was on my mind, I should probably go in, just to get it under my belt. Well today I asked my mum if she needed anything and she did so I went. Firstly when I got there I couldn't find what I was meant to get and had to ask a few different assistants questions, and then the self checkout broke so the assistant tried to fix it and then hold me to go the 'human' checkout. Ended up spending about 20 minutes just trying to get some fruit and green beans LOL! But the good thing was I felt no anxiety, it felt incredibly natural and relaxed. As if I had done it loads of times before! I don't regularly go in supermarkets at all - only about 3 times this year before today! Yet I just didn't feel anxious! So that was really pleasing! Maybe my stomach is just obsessing me so much, nothing else bothers me at the moment! So that was a good positive! 

 

So with the combination of the the great meditation yesterday and a good exposure today I do seem to have got back into a descent swing of things now I am just over a week back which is great. Unfortunately as you and me both know that brain is velcro for the negatives and teflon for the positives!! So all I can think is 'MY STOMACH!'! But yesterday showed what is possible, so I am really going to hold onto that! I think when I am doing stuff it is easier with my stomach, but when at home with less distractions it comes to the fore. Ultimately I don't want to try and avoid it or run away from it, as then it will always pounce back. I need to come to peace with it and just let it be there and stop putting such negative labels on it, see it in a more neutral way. Also I need to really focus on the 'NOW'. What will be, will be. I can't read the future, so lets float and just be really present. Actually when I was meditating in the car yesterday I was thinking of my stomach and this image of it dancing with a colourful hat came to mind. That was great. Recontextualizing it in a positive way!

 

Hope you had a better evening man and tomorrow goes well! I am praying for you brother! Keep up your great work and thanks for the inspiration!

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

PS. Absolutely no problem about being honest. That is what it is all about with us. So always just say how you feel, you had to put up with so much from me LOL!! 

[invalidusername]

Evening brother - the shock saga continues... and today's guest emotion is stress! Same deal as yesterday. I woke with the most hoffic stress. Everything was bothering me, I was so restless and my head was playing thoughts round and round my head like a carousel. Nothing I could do would shift it. I took 10mg valium and 1 dramamine over the space of 4 hours, but that just gave me convulsions and shaking. I should have taken Kratom instead - it is far less intense in terms of any side effects. It came for time to go to work and I just had to do something. When I got to first client I took another dramamine before I went in and by the end of that client I was asleep!! Tad embarrassing, but who falls asleep bolt upright in a chair! I did think, how on earth am I going to drive? So I scarfed a chocolate biscuits to give me a sugar boost and I managed it. The 2nd dramamine also took the edge off. So no depression, no anxiety - just stress... which was probably bought on by the shock of the depression after... 18 or so days of being OK. Hopefully not to be repeated though.

 

Yes - you are absolutely right - we are not ready for it - just like I hypothesised about your return to London. That was clearly enough to tip the scales, whereas for me, it was food poisoning and a suicidal wife. It is not surprising for either of us considering the circumstances. Was looking forward to my continued therapy, but I guess I thought too much of it when she promised she would call with a time and day for this week "asap"... and they wonder why I have complained twice about their service. How she can sit there and tell me that she was so pleased that we had finally met, and we would make sure we keep things going when she knew damn well she wouldn't. I hate that in a person. They just say what they have to so they look good at the time. 

 

Your thoughts of placing stuff in a wider context is something we could all learn from. So what if I had 1 bad day... out of 19. If only we felt the same way when we had a good day and embraced it like it was our last on earth! But no - we spend the first few good days petrified that it will be short-lived... then we let our guard down and the proverbial BAM! But we have to let this guard down otherwise we spend all our good days worrying when it will end. We have to let ourselves become vulnerable to enjoy these days knowing that we will look back on them with upset when we return to the bad days... we pine over what we had thinking they will never happen again! It is just something that our brains do not want to learn and this is the key to it all. It is such a paradox, hence the reason for no immediate cure and the need for therapy.

 

I am really sorry to hear of the ongoing stomach issues. Don't worry about the description you mention - it means I can empathise more with your situation. That does sound very very uncomfortable indeed. It would cause me stress for sure. To be thinking it is a permanent condition is also a go-to response of course. Regardless of the fact that it has just started - most likely due to the stress of returning home - you have convinced yourself that it is here to stay. Something must give in your brain chemistry to kick it off though, otherwise it would be there all the time... which of course tells us that it will abate, as it has done in the past. It might be a case of careful monitoring to see what the trigger is. If it is there at its worst in the morning, that may be something to go on. My brain certainly has a thing for mornings - specifically when I wake before I can reason with the damn thing!! I hope it doesn't get to that point for you as often what occurs first thing has a tendency to taint the remainder of the day. This is why I am really trying with the meditation.

 

On which note, I had a very good session last night. I am still working on the "thinking of nothing". I picture myself inside my head which is like the Royal Albert Hall when it is empty. Nothing going on - just a vast space of nothing. This gives me the impression that there is no instrument with which to think, so all I can do is just be. I managed it really well last night, but the problem with doing it at night is that I quickly fall into a light sleep - but I think I got a good half-hour in before that occurred. This is what I want to be able to do during the moments of stress. I guess I need to keep practising as you say, but bring it forward in the day, and try to do it between clients or something. It is very easy at night as this is when I am best relaxed, particularly after some of my special K. Like right now. I have just had a dose to calm the residual restlessness and because I am already tired, it has be zoned right out. It is very nice, and man, do I need this today...

 

Your exposure to the Sainsburys is truly inspiring. No anxiety at all? That is really impressive man - seriously well done. And of course, being in the middle of London's west end, it would have for sure been packed out in there. At least my local Tesco is not too crowded, but then again, it is HUGE, so is a long way to walk to the bath products and back again! But it is something that I have come to terms with, and overall, my anxiety has not given me a problem for a very long time. It is largely the stress - my homeopath feels this has been bought to the surface as it was the original condition and it now needs to be dealt with. Let's hope this will be something that can be addressed.

 

Anyway, I will continue to pray for you brother, particularly with your stomach in mind. I really can understand what it is you must be feeling in terms of worries for the future and so forth. You of course need answers. I just hope we can get some soon for you. Great to hear from our Gail today too. Lovely that she is being looked after and having all these tests done. Hoping it will give her some confidence in her condition and improve her immediate well-being. 

 

Love and lots of light brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! So to give a bit of background on the stomach stuff. In 2014 I was on 200mg Sertraline and 120mg Dulox, (yes i know crazy high doses). I started to loose a lot of weight and in the end almost ended up looking emaciated. I went to a (this next word is going to be tough LOL!) gastroenterologist and had some tests. I had to spend a night in hospital when they put a camera down my throat into my gut. Anyway they found nothing, absolutely nothing. Not a single thing wrong. So I decided to stop all my medication straight away. Yes I swear! And the crazy thing was I didn't really get any withdrawal effects! So within literally days of stopping the drugs I started to put on weight and feel better. So this is an issue I have had before, and the only thing that helped was stopping the drugs. Obviously I'm not in a position to do that now. I have been losing weight but not on the scale I was last time. Last year when i came off dulox I briefly had some similar feelings to what I have know, but it didn't last. 

 

I must say it is tiring me out so much. The energy it takes out of you living in constant discomfort is very tough. Right now I feel overwhelmed and just a bit out of words. The mornings are worst because as the day goes on I get more used to the feeling, but when I wake up it hits me, having been asleep. So I'm not sure it is actually more painful in the mornings but simply the shock and then the time it takes to adjust to it. I'm feeling pretty run down to be honest. My brain is working overtime to try and keep me positive and focus on tasks, and try not to get drawn in to the negative thinking. Today I started to get pain just touching my lower abdomen and it was uncomfortable to even wear trousers, having that pressure on that area. Tonight I not too much worried but just exhausted by the whole thing. It's been 8 years of problem after problem- mental, then physical, etc - over and over again. I'm thinking to myself can my body take much more. How on earth I am in one piece after non stop 8 years of health issues and such intense stress for most of that time, I have no idea. All these illness and they still can't get rid of me LOL!! It is a heavy emotional burden to carry I can't lie mate! To be honest I think I am dealing with it well. That day i told you I got angry with my brother, that was in the morning and due to the stress from the pain, but since then I have been pretty happy with my response. And that is all I can do. I read a Buddhist monk talk about the 2 arrows of suffering. The first arrow is the initial pain and then your reaction dictates whether that second arrow hits the wound. 

 

Last night I did some good meditating on the pain in bed before I fell asleep. I was thinking to myself, this is just my physical body, my human 'shell', it not my soul that is hurting. I suddenly felt this sense of distance. I really felt my physical body as almost distinct from my soul. I was sort viewing my body from my soul, outside of my body. I felt liberating. The 'real' me is fine, in fact great considering all my spiritual readings! But this is just my shell. It felt a bit like being in a dodgy car. You are affected by the car, but the car isn't you. It felt the same to me last night. I am in this body, having a human experience, but his body isn't me. Incredibly enlightening moment. Once I was thinking like this, my stomach suddenly felt less personal and more like hearing an annoying sound. It was tiring for sure, but it wasn't part of the real me, just a sensation that my shell was feeling. Really focusing in on that line 'a spiritual being having a human experience', and applying practically. I am a spiritual being, that is the real me! So today has been tough but I have felt a greater distance since last night and that is really encouraging. So my aim is just to keep building on last night. This has been really tough, but I have learnt a lot from having to deal with it. It really a chance in putting teachings into practise. I would also say that it is much easier to apply to physical pain than mental pain. 

 

So sorry about all that man, that was an awful lot about me! Poor you LOL! I'm not even sure if I'm making sense here, as feel so tired, but I'm giving it a go LOL! 

 

Really sorry to hear about that stress. I find depression really brings on stress for me. Like we were both saying, yesterday will have been a massive shock to your system. But a massive well done for getting to work! So impressive yet again! I hope you can feel some pride at what you achieved today! Also your really like me in that we were both a victim of our successes. If I had had a rubbish time at the country that stress wouldn't have hit so hard, equally if you haven't had such a great run of days you wouldn't have had such a shock. But it's really important to focus on the positives here in that you had 18 days or so feeling ok, and somedays better than that. That really shows your going in a positive direction. There a such encouraging signs man! And as you say I think situation makes total sense considering the food poisoning and your wife's situation. Your dealing with these things so well know though man, and that is the important thing how we react to a situation that arises. 

 

I'm feeling a bit emotional overwhelmed tonight and I just suddenly felt really spaced out. Starting to feel depressed mixed with derealisation. It is a bit disconcerting. I suddenly feel as if I'm in a dream. This is very weird. But I've had this before, so I'm not panicking. I suppose constant discomfort and pain since Friday is maybe taking it's toil. 

 

Mate that is fantastic about your meditation last night! Don't worry about drifting off, I have read so many accounts of people falling asleep is in meditation sessions, even monks. So if monks fall asleep in meditation I think you don't have to worry! To get a really good 30 minutes in is fantastic. I love that description of an empty Royal Albert Hall! You are doing objectless meditation, or cat meditation! That is a form of meditation I really like, just there and still. Not focussing on anything, purely in the moment. Letting things come and go. I find it very refreshing. 

 

So sorry if I was a bit all over the place tonight! I feel disorientated and confused, but i hope i made some sense LOL! But I will be praying. My mum asked again about you tonight. I am with you on this journey brother!! 

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother - so good to be here knowing you are there helping me through this. 

 

I will quickly get this out the way so I can forget it, but this morning was the same story as yesterday. Less physical stress symptoms, but more mental. I can't even pinpoint exactly what it is I am getting so worked up about, the thoughts are simply that I cannot tolerate life... period. I took some of my special K before my first client as this was earlier that usual as I move it to coincide with the wife therapy. It did help quite a bit, but then I had a call from the wife who got herself worked up and needed me to come and get her... so I left the client and off I went. This bought all the stress back. I managed another 3 hours of work during which the stress went for the most part, but then this was replaced by the sting of depression knowing that I would probably have this going on for a few days at least. I may not, but I really cannot take it. I cannot take being out, I cannot take being at home... it is a no win situation!! 

 

I did do some breathing exercise and thought control when I woke - as SOON as I woke. This helped with the physical side and didn't get my breathing to the point it was yesterday that it became so shallow and I started shaking. I really hope I get a grip on it soon. Life is simply unbearable - for the first 4-5 hours of the day at least. I can't take it man... I want my good days back!

 

I can see the issue with the stomach/meds for sure. Of course you cannot just cut the Dulox out at the moment. A real catch 22 situation. Being run down must be an understatement for what you are feeling at the harsh reality of the morning is always a tough one, knowing you have to face through another day not knowing if you will get any respite or not. Then the inevitable exhaustion at the end of it all, which is where I am too! Thinking about the stress that I have had for the last 3 days and then considering what it must have done to you over the 8 years really humbles me. I know everyone has their respective tolerances, but no-one deserves the mental stress one gets from these things. You are for sure dealing with it incredibly well. Don't let the fact that you are "used to it" over the years be a factor - on the contrary, it still gets to you all the same. There are some things that are too painful to be laid out as a habit. It never gets easier to take when something like this is there all the time. 

 

I was really trying to think along your lines today, and the whole car metaphor is just wonderful. It puts it in a very useful perspective that can be easily bought to mind. I am going to try this with my meditation. I know I am not my brain (thank goodness) and this will soon no longer be a part of me. However, it still doesn't help that I want to make the best of what I have of this shell while I am here. Someone once said something similar about passing on, but with the metaphor of a house. Just because you leave your house, doesn't me that you cease to be you. But I like the car better as it is quite literally... a shell. Will never forget this - thanks man,

 

I hope your derealisation didn't hang around too long - regardless of the amount of time you have had it before. I was right about last night after taking my Kratom - I fell asleep much earlier before I got chance to get back to the meditation. So I think I will have a quick read now and follow that up with some meditation before it gets too much later...

 

Thanks for always being there - love you so very much,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man I'm sorry about today. Not good here either. Stomach been a bit better, but just worn down. Feeling incredibly weak right now. Emotionally overwhelmed like yesterday night. Just feel run down. But it's nothing compared to you. Man I'm so so sorry for you! I have been praying and I will continue to. You will get through this man and get back to the run of good days. You have been here before and come through it. I am here for 100% and together we will get through it. You have had a sequence of stressful events one after another and it has just taken the wings out of your sails. As I say it's not a straight line this type of recovery. For me I'm in a similar position in that pain since Friday has just got to me. It's worn me down and physically I am feeling very feeble. I just feel completely washed out and got nothing left in the tank. I am carrying 8 years on my shoulders right here. The situation is very tough but my tools are helping me a lot, so that is a relief. 

 

So as I said I am here for you always! We are in this together. Together we have come through some tough times, and we will continue to do so! The good days are going to come back man, all you can do is just try and float through this bump. We know for both of us how much things swing, and so in this position the best we can do is just let things be and not get too drawn in. With both of us we can't even predict a few hours ahead, so we have to just let go! Trust in God and float. Your general direction is really good, this is 2 days out of 20. While it is tough, you have to look at the bigger picture and see that the last few weeks have mostly been very positive. Don't forget those 18 good days, that is sign of what is too come. It is just the way these recoveries go, for it to be up and down. It's frustrating, but we can minimise the effects of these bad days by just letting them be. By doing that the have less effect. We can't change the past and we can't predict the future, all we can do is determine how we react in the NOW. You are doing really great man, massive congrats for getting work in despite that morning!! I am seriously proud of you! You are dealing with everything so well, in such tough circumstances!! I'm so inspired y your perseverance and bravery!! I hope you can see just how brave you are! Huge huge respect from me here!! 

 

Man I understand you want to make the best out of your time here! I absolutely do as well! And I am my no means advocating not having that mindset. I think that is a great way to be. But have you thought you we don't really know what we have achieved until we get home. Maybe things that seem like great achievements on earth aren't so important in he next life. For example, my spiritual position would be that you have had made extraordinary achievements in the last 2 years. I mean think of how much bravery and determination and faith you have shown. Aren't these the qualities that are so respected in the next life - courage, compassion, faith! Look at me I have had not in theory 'achieved' anything at all in the last 8 years, but i don't see them as wasted years not for one minute. We don't know what are seen as great achievements in the next life, apart from reading things. Look at Jesus's heroes in his parables, like the good samaritan. He was simply kind, he wasn't famous or anything like that. He simply showed a huge heart. And to Jesus this was an example to us all. When I thought I was dying in my ketamine trip, I looked back on these 8 years with huge pride. Obviously I wasn't dying, to I do feel in a deep spiritual way that I can't explain that those 8 years have a deep significance, beyond this earthly world. As I say I can't put it into words, but I have just have a deep spiritual feeling. So from my perspective I see what you are achieving day in day out at the moment as of huge spiritual significance. You have an amazing heart man and spend so much time giving back here on the forum. How about that for leaving a mark here? If you hadn't got ill, you wouldn't be in a position to be giving out your great advice to all the new guys who come on here. You are hugely helping suffering people in a moment of need. What about how much you help me? How much strength you give me? How much your love has healed me? Look at how far I have come since I have been under your care if you like? Since we have we been friends? I have made huge steps, and you are a massive part of that. To me it looks you are definitely making the best use of your shell!! Maybe not in the way you expected, but that is the case for me as well! I didn't expect to have these 8 years, but that was my plan and I am in place to accept my path not fight it. All will be revealed soon brother. But please I really want you to know just how much you have helped me. When I came on this forum I was barely leaving the front door!! Things are a bit different now! I will always always be thankful for having you in my life! You have changed so much for me, so thank you so so much man!! 

 

I hope your reading and meditation went well man! And congrats on those breathing exercises this morning! I will be praying! And I am always here! 

 

Love you so much brother

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man... this is going to be a difficult one to write to you. I woke and again had instant fear of stress, of the day ahead... of even just looking at my emails. I couldn't stand to do anything. This very quickly escalated and I took a valium, which did nothing after about 40 minutes, so I took another one, but again, no effect. A seizure then ensued. A very bad one. Full body spasms and difficulty breathing. The wife panicked and called an ambulance which came pretty quickly and the medics had to hold me down as I was hitting my heads, legs, arms etc on the furniture. Took around 30 minutes for them to get me stable. Again, diagnosed as a pseudo non-epileptic seizure induced by stress. The wife explained about the mental health community and the medic contacted them again as I was supposed to have had my second meeting this week and have had no word at all. I am apparently to expect a call 12noon on Monday with a date and time. How much more have I got to go through just to get the help I need. I was in tears for about another 30mins after the medics left. I simply cannot take any more days of this.

 

The odd thing is that about 4pm, I started to come to, after one cancelled appointment, and then I was able to work for the next 4 hours - and a quick bit of shopping. I felt fine aside from being very apprehensive about tomorrow - just as I am now. Why is this occuring in the morning so badly? Why does is all disappear after around 4-5 hours? I can't keep having this every day, and living on valium and dramamine... and thank you for your prayers, they are really needed at the moment!!

 

I sincerely hope that the last few days are something of what is to come - but it still worries me how I can turn so quickly after what is going to continue to occur in my life... the sh-t with the mental health team, my wifes suicidal mood swings and my physical health. I just have no idea how I am going to learn to cope with this. But again, it is so strange that my anxiety and depression have been more or less non existent throughout this. Just unrelentless stress, yet I have no problem with being out with people in public, shopping etc. Don't like to say it, but it has got worse since I have started the homeopathy. They have reduce my physical symptoms, and helped with the depression and anxiety, but man, this stress... I can't tolerate having seizures every morning. I'd much rather have the depression back. Never thought I would say that, but it's true. 

 

Thank you for putting so much in perspective about me helping other people - it i true - God knew the sort of person I was - very much like our FishingHat, and that once I was here, that was it. I would be here for the duration. Maybe this was all part of the plan and that I am meant to be helping people through my own suffering - and if I can do that, it makes me feel better for it. Just as Hat say, he cannot stand to see others suffer, and that is how I feel. The fear that I felt today I would never want anyone to go through, and if I can prevent that from happened for just one person - then all the better. There are so many things wrong in our world, and not enough willing to put it right. Our small band of brothers (and sisters) may only be a minimal amount, but if more people followed suit, we would have far less to worry about. All these government agencies and big pharma are driven by the dollar and how right He was in telling the world that money is the root of all evil. This is it - in all its damaging dark light.

 

Not got much left in me this evening as writing this for much longer is going to bring back events of earlier and I need to try to calm. Just wish I understood what has happened. I have stopped my homeopathic remedies for today just to see what happens - I need to know. Wishing you well brother and hope you had a better day and that your stomach was more in check. Always thinking of this - amongst my own issues this end I remember all those in need of support. As we always say - we are in this together. We need to be strong to get each other through these times.

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man how brave you are to write that! I just have so much love for you! My heart hurts so much to read that! But amongst my sadness I feel such pride at that incredible bravery of yours! I am so so sorry you have to endure this! But just as things can go badly quickly, things can get better quickly. Your in a transition phase and this is making things move about and it means this up and down pattern. I know it so well. But it took me so long to get used to it. 

 

You managed to work 4 hours and then some shopping after that?? Unbelievable! You are something seriously special man! Brother what more can I say than just amazing! I have no idea how you could have done that! So proud here. Your are handling things so well. I know that is small consolation amongst this horror but still you are dealing with this brilliant! 

 

Mate absolutely I believe it was a big part of the plan for you to use your suffering to help others, I am sure of this. You have the perfect nature for it - kindness, knowledge, sensitivity. And make no mistake you are helping so many people in need. As I said last night, for me you have helped an incredible amount. If we hadn't got ill we wouldn't have met and that is something is a big positive for me out of all this pain. To be able to call you a friend, that is something very very special to me! You are a hugely significant person in my life. I had no friends for 7 1/2 years, when I was in complete isolation. 7 1/2 years in wilderness before I met you. I love you very very deeply. You have been a catalyst so much incredible change in my life. I only wish I could help you, as much as you have transformed me. What I needed all along was someone to be there and show me love and then I met you on here, began to open up and then the ball had started rolling. It was fate for us to meet. I am so so grateful for everything man! Also I enjoy talking to you so much! Obviously it hurts so much to hear when things are bad like today, but I enjoy our friendship so much! I just really really want you you know how much you mean to me! Please know this man! I love you so much man! 

 

You mean a lot to me and it really hurts right now. I am feeling pretty emotional to hear what you went through. But I know you can do this. Together we can do this. How right you are that this forum is beacon of hope and love. God is so strong on here, his presence is truly here. We are a band of brothers and sisters who reflect as best we can Jesus' teaching. I am so proud to part of this community and so grateful and thankful to God to have found it. The most brave and inspiring people I have ever met are on this forum. 100%. 

 

Thankfully my stomach has been better the last two days. Certainly it has stopped getting worse which is a huge relief. Today I had my haircut, walked to the barber for the first time in years. Normally get my mum to drop me off. It's only 5 minutes but honestly can't remember the last time I walked there. So that was a good exposure. Always get really nervous having my haircut for some reason. I know one of the guys at the barber, he has done me the last few times. Nice guy and we chat away. Again a moment of feeling normal. He knows I'm ill, today he said 'something to do with a tick wasn't it!'. I hadn't seen him since February, and they see so many people each day, it was nice he remembered me. As I say we just chatted away and so that is a good exposure. Chatting to someone in an outside situation. Also they had the radio on, which i dealt with well. I was in there for about 50 minutes as well! I had to wait a bit before getting done. So all in all that was a good exposure and proud feeling that i can now walk to the barbers and back. May seem small but was something I wasn't ever sure I would do again. When i was walking it felt very surreal. I have walked past in on my walks and yesterday did a trial run by walking past it, but it is a different thing going in. So that's me. 

 

So I am here man for you! I am here always! ALWAYS! We are a team! We are in this together!! I'm going to be praying will all my heart for you! We will do this! 

 

I love you so much!!!

 

God Bless

[gail]

Our sweet London, I have a question, like so many do and that will help many.

When you hurt, when you are feeling weak, at the end of those phrases, you always add that your spirit is in good condition, that it is what's important. I agree.

I admire this, also, when you are feeling the blahs, you talk to God and feel better.

Can you tell us how to achieve this. Like now, my body is weak, that's all I can think of and of course, I'm miserable and a bit scared. How to connect with God on a spiritual level?

I'm so tired of focusing on my body, I have a soul that needs nourishment. Help please my friend. Thank you so much. No need to be a long explanation, just enough to make changes.

[gail]

My beloved Scrat,

I read your post and saw the suffering of the morning. Do what needs to be done to have a certain quality of life please. In the morning, if Valium is needed, take it. If Dramamine is needed, take it.

Still on celexa,. Drop five my and see. Celexa is a soft antidepressant. Not to be scared of. Change the hour you take it. Anything, do anything to try and be better. Never mind the ego.

So sorry about the seizure. Thank you for the nice way you care of our members. I love you!

[invalidusername]

Hi Gailage...

 

Great to hear from you - and I am sure that LDN will have some insight into helping you with your meditative time, but we each find our best ways to achieve this, so some of it is trial and error, just like I find my best way is to consider an empty head!!

 

Anyway - thank you for your kind words. Yesterday was really horrible. The worst seizure I have ever had. You are right with what you are saying about the meds, but I am so tired of having to take so many valium to get round these things. I thought I saw the back of them. It is just not worth having a bunch of good days if that is the reaction I am going to get!! I actually found that Kratom helped better in most cases. Valium and dramamine help with the physical stress, but the mental stress is still there, so as soon as the meds wear off, the body goes all over again because my head is still throwing the stress out. It is a nasty circle to get caught in.

 

Hope you are getting the most out of your stay - and especially hope that the food is good!! Keep in touch dear bean - much love to you...

 

Your Scrattage

[invalidusername]

LDN - Having issues posting again... so have emailed you message for today brother, but I will try and put it up here later so other can read...

[LDN]

Hello my lovely gail! 

 

So I think the main thing for me is realise my soul lasts whereas my body doesn't. None of us die, only our bodies die. So therefore you focus on what is lasting, permanent. Happiness lies in the soul. This means looking after the soul. John said to love God you must love others. So start by being kind and compassionate. Which you already are so much my love. Then gratitude - think of all the good things in your life. All the positives that have happened. All humans only have a certain amount of energy and particularly for us, who are ill! So with the energy I have I try and put it into positive emotions. If I feel negative I try and take a step back and realise that being negative won't achieve or change anything, only makes things worse. So what is the point? So I step back from let myself get drawn into negative thoughts. I try and put all the energy that i have into positive emotions. Into gratitude, thinking of others, thinking of God. And mostly LOVE. That is the main one - LOVE. When in difficulty I try and channel LOVE. If we can bring LOVE then we are making the world a better place. It is a chain reaction. So gratitude - you told me you felt this on Wednesday! Just try and really focus on that. For me I am so grateful for this forum, for you and IUN. So in tough times I will think of you and it lifts me. It is a gift from God. 

 

Also acceptance. I trust God's plan. God loves me and he knows what is best for me. As long as I bring love, then I trust him for everything I can't control. If he loves me, there must be reason for my suffering. One day everything will make sense. One day I will understand God's Plan. So as I know this I can just say 'ok I trust you God and I put myself in your hands.'. One day it make sense, so for now I trust in him. 

 

This earth isn't my home, my home is in heaven. So I will try my best to love and then leave the rest to God. I let go. I let go of trying to control my life. Let go of trying to make sense of everything. I let go completely. So I have nothing to worry about - God is the man! He is my daddy and loves me and he knows what is best for me. I let go and give my self up to him. So now I have nothing to worry about and no pressure. Whatever happens to me is God's Plan for me. So if I am following God's Plan - then great! Once we can let go of our ego trying to control everything, it is a liberation. When we look at our life in heaven, we will see things in a very different way, I am sure of this. 

 

So when I feel down I try to 1. Not get drawn into negativity in my thinking. I just float. Let things be. Don't fight it, just acceptance. 2. Use the energy I have into positive, loving thoughts and actions. 

 

When God is ready for me go home he will call. Until then I will try to spread his love as best I can. That is my job. I will try my best at that and then just relax. 

 

If I can't control something then being negative about it won't make it better, just make it worse. So I really try and put all my energy into positivity. Always I say this to myself, over and over again. Energy into positivity not negativity. 

 

This is what works for me my love. This life is just a trip to earth for home. 'I am spiritual being having a human experience'. So I just try and relax and enjoy the trip as best I can. 

 

Jesus suffered so much, so there must be something important in suffering. Suffering is something I can share with Jesus. I believe just like Jesus our suffering will turn to joy. Jesus didn't fight his suffering he had acceptance. So I try and follow his example as best I can. 

 

So this how I try and approach my weakness and suffering. But as IUN says everybody is different, but this is what works for me!

 

I will be praying my love! 

 

I love you Gail!

[LDN]

Hey man SO HAPPY your day was better! I have been thinking of you so much. I woke in the night to go the loo, and that was what I was thinking of. But while I am so sorry for what you have gone through, I love thinking and praying for you. I gives me a lift, as was saying about Gail in the post above. I am just so so grateful for having you and so it brings me joy to think of you. It is still a bit surreal to have friends after all those wilderness years. I mean I lived through it and yet I even can't get my head around it. Basically 7 1/2 of isolation, apart from close family. How did I survive that? So this whole making friends is so new to me LOL!! I do think to myself my life has been an amazing social experiment! 

 

So my day was ok. I only got 6 hours sleep as I needed to get up early to watch a football match, so I'm feeling absolutely shattered tonight. Was up at just after 12 which is so so early for me!! So my brain feels very very slow. I briefly saw my cousin as well, the one I saw down in Somerset. She came back with my sister so I said hi briefly, which was nice. Something that would have scared me so much before and been a very big deal is now almost mundane! I have come so far in these last few months!! Also the stomach been not too bad today, as I said yesterday it is definitely not getting worse anymore, which is a relief. Hard to tell to whether I am just used to it or it has improved. But the main thing is I have managed to really emotional disengage from it. I doesn't affect my mood now. I don't spend much time thinking about it. So again I'm really pleased with in the mental progress I've made in the last week in how I react to it. It really just gives me further evidence that it is reaction that is so important, if you can get some tools for dealing with your mental reactions then it changes so much. 

 

Well done for the practising thoughts and breathing for a few hours! Fantastic! It looks like that set your day up nicely! That is brilliant work man! After yesterday to manage that is really impressive! I'm really pleased you could then have a nice time with your friend. Nice that my message came through when you were together! 

 

Yes that is a great quote and spot on! Totally get what your saying. When we feel a bit worn out we are much more vulnerable than most people, so the dip is extra hard. I think most people have bad days, but for us it is just extra hard. I was speaking to my sister who has never had any drugs but had some therapy and she said she regularly has bad days, when she feels rubbish. It was interesting to get that perspective from someone who is living a very busy young adult lifestyle. I'm lucky in that when I do have a dip, she is the first to say that it is to be expected and completely normal. Always puts things in perspective for me to have that outside angle, especially from somebody living a completely 'normal' life. Whether it headaches or whatever, I think we all have our crosses to bear and go through periods when things flare up. Just for us it is extra intense, if that makes sense. I think if we can think of these dips as normal the easier they are to deal with and the less the become a big deal. It's not easy for sure, but i have found over time I am now much better at just floating and having acceptance. Again it is an area where our reaction to it makes a bid difference. This is why I am so fond of my spiritual books right now. Just to get that perspective and distance from this earthy world. This isn't everything! 

 

Again so happy your day was better and will be continuing praying!! I mean everything I say about how thankful and grateful I am to have you! LOL yes we are becoming a old married couple here!!

 

Love you so much brother! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

[trying to paste my message from yesterday - this goes before LDN's reply above]

 

Thanks brother - such lovely words... and your text earlier was wonderful. As I said, it came through whilst I was with my friend and she had a read herself and said what an amazing friend you must be.... I had already spoken about you, but it was nice of her to see how much support and love you give me in my times of need.

 

As I said to Gailage above, I hope it is something never to be repeated. I don't like having medics in my room seeing me in that state. But the wife can't hold me down and stop me hitting my various limbs, so she didn't have a lot of choice. Still, a better day today as I said. A relief for sure. There was a lot of fear when I woke up as I did not know what to expect, so I stayed in bed for a couple of hours practicing thoughts and breathing until I knew I was safe. Then I did the usual forum and email rounds, breakfast etc and started to feel much better. Lets hope this is an end to it. But I still need to know how to deal with these things in the future. It does seem that I am going back to where I was before all the drug pushing started. Looking at my charts, I was having anywhere between 7-14 good days in a row, and then 4-5 days of bad... and that cycled. Sometimes there was a clear reason for the bad days, other times not. It is sort of like your system has had enough of holding up for all the good times and it is worn out - either that or your resilience just depletes the longer you go on... so therefore it takes less of a trigger for you to loose it the longer you go on perhaps... does that make sense? I need to be able to deal with these circumstances as they wont change. As vivian greene onces wrote, I shouldn't wait for the storm to pass, but learn to dance in the rain.

 

You have written a keeper here for my inbox... it is so nice that you think of me so fondly, and I am proud to be the first friend to be the other side of your suffering. To know that I was there at the time truly means a lot to me - and I remember so much from this forum, and all of those that I have helped over the last 12 months. Very strange that I can read any of my 3000 odd posts and remember writing them. But back to us, it was sure fate - or whatever you want to call it - that we were here at the same time. And regardless of what occurs with our respective conditions in the future, it is just so comforting to know that we will still be bonding years from now - and what a fantastic way to be able to look back on when reminiscing of how we first got to know each other!! We sound like an old married couple.. LOL!!

 

So glad to hear that your stomach has made an improvement - or at least stopped getting worse. And great exposure to go to the barbers! I would find that difficult as I would feel trapped in the chair. I would get through it, but that would be an exposure for me for sure... so a big well done on that score. It helps that you know the guy of course, and that you can chat - always puts me at ease. But it is such a buzz to know that you are doing the stuff that "normal" people are doing in these events! You can be a floating LDN and look down thinking.. "look at me being all normal and stuff!". And the radio - this is all the sort of stuff that we take for granting, not knowing that it can affect people in the way it does you. Very admirable... I'm truly proud of you brother. Nothing small about that at all. Don't forget that there are people that cannot stand to wait in places like that, or post office, or supermarkets. When I spoke to the wife's therapist the first time we went, she said that she avoids shops during peak times and only goes to the supermarket after 7pm. Its a normal thing! The world is a crazy busy place and it is only right that we want to shelter ourselves from that sort of stress.

 

Right, I will sign off as you have Gailage to catch up with today as well.  Once again, thank you so much for such lovely words. As I said, that reply has gone in my vault in my inbox...

 

Much love and light dear brother

 

God Bless

[gail]

Dear London,, your explanation is complete. Thank you for taking the time to answer.
I love you!

[invalidusername]

LOL... that is so funny because I often think and/or pray on the loo!! Other times will be when I am cooking, sometimes when I am driving or showering. They are little reminders when I have some time to myself without other distractions when I can focus. But then of course there is last thing at night, or first thing in the morning. Yourself, Gail and Hat are my "prayer priority", along with anyone else that comes along during the day to the forum. 

 

I can't even begin to imagine starting over with friends after such a long time. It is something that we all take for granted I suppose. It is never something that the majority of people need to consider. But again, I am glad to be a part of it!

 

Great that you found the motivation to get up to watch a football match. I can't think something like that would get me moving at all!! But as you know, my mornings are not my best time. I can't remember the last time I woke and jumped out of bed. And fantastic that you can see the improvement having spoken to your cousin. This is where it all starts. Just like my anxiety with shopping being mundane.. for the most part. 18 months ago, I used to get so worked up about having to do the shopping, and now I barely give it a thought. It is more of an inconvenience if nothing else, but I never worry about not being able to do it. How has your stomach been today? Any better off at all? Really hoping this will continue to abate for you.

 

I really want these extra tools that I can use that you speak of. I did have a moment earlier today when I had one of those horrible washes of depression that seems to feel like a hot tingling and sucker punch all at once - you remember me saying about these before. But as soon as it happened, I just told myself that this is just chemistry - just feelings. It lasted a few seconds and was a reaction to a thought... now forget it. I didn't get hung up on it. I could see why it happened and now know what triggers them too. It was quite a pivotal moment. It is when I get engrossed in something and I temporarily forget all my life woes... the seizure I had on Friday... the mental health to$$ers... and then when the distraction stops, it all comes flooding back and the thought comes... oh damn, I am still living that life. But it is like someone sneaking up on you and surprising you from behind. You have a shock of course, but then you let it go. It is nothing more than a shock. I want to try and work myself round these so it is one less thing that triggers my depression. It is all tying in with what you said about the reaction and how important it is. We really need to disengage from the physical as best we can - and then get round to the mental. You are clearly much further forward, but I am doing all I can. I think in someways it is like a wound. When you have cut yourself, you put a plaster on it and forget about it. We don't keep taking the plaster off and checking it, or thinking whether or not it is still hurting, or still bleeding. No, we stick a plaster on it and let it heal. I need to be able to do the same with my physical symptoms. The more I let them heal of their own accord, the easier and more autonomous it will be.

 

Incidentally, I was still very cautious when I woke up, and I had to silence the wife!! I have told her time and time again that if she cannot find something positive to say when I wake, then say nothing! I know that sounds harsh, but I am so vulnerable. Just imagine if you can, that you wake up next to someone every day and you are greeted with "I am sooo depressed. My life is just going nowhere. I have chest pains and can't breathe. I woke up 3 hours ago and been sitting here with thoughts going round in my head". No joke. These are the "headlines" that I wake up to. You can see how difficult it is for me. I never know what mood she will be in so it can leave me in a perpetual state of fear to know that I will have to deal with whatever comes along...

 

So what does your sister deal with? Is it anxiety, or depression.. or bit of both? We do forget that everyone has bad days. This is so important, and one of the reasons why I need to keep going out to clients and friends to get some reality. This I know is the problem with the wife as she see nothing else. I really wish she would at least have some friends round to the flat - even once a fortnight would help. Not making excuses for her, but I see my parents most days - as do you - and I see 3-4 clients during the week. If I never left the bedroom, I would go stir crazy and get cabin fever for sure. But she firmly believes there is nothing for her out there, and I can see her way of thinking, but something has to give otherwise I will be trapped in this state with her for the rest of my days. The statistics of how many partners end up with mental health issues as a result of looking after a partner with anxiety/depression is shocking.. so I don't stand a bloody chance!! Sorry. You can tell this has been playing on my mind today!!

 

Right - back to a bit of study before dinner and do my best to remain mindful of my physical feelings - one stage at a time...

 

Much love brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL! 

 

I am always here for you! 

 

It gives me so much happiness to talk with you! You mean so much to me! 

 

Thank you so much for being there! 

 

I love you! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Hey man! Yeah I absolutely relate to that feeling of panic as suddenly that thought pops into your head out of nowhere - 'I am still ill. I am still living this life'. I have too many times to mention and it is horrible. As you say normally comes after I am engrossed in something. I really is a sudden shock and I always suddenly feel incredibly scared. I think in a way that is why the mornings are so difficult for people with depression, you dose of and then you wake and boom reality hits you in face! I certainly had that in my periods of morning depression. You escape your world and then it's back. It's the same with being engrossed in something. You have an escape and then you are reminded all over again where you are. In a way it's easier to just have an average day without getting fully engrossed in something because then you have that shock factor. What I will say though is that it is a good thing you can get engrossed in something. When I was really really depressed it was there always. I was never properly engrossed in something, I couldn't escape it at all. That is unbearable, because it's 24/7 pain. Even a few short moments a day of distraction make a huge difference to just break up that flow. I mean now thinking back to the very worst depression periods, it feels incredible where I am now! It really puts things in perspective! 

 

I get a similar thing with my physicality when I feel really tired doing something. My habitual reaction is an immediate spiral of negativity - 'I still can't do this? I am still too weak? I am never going to get better'. That last one is a big one. 'I am never going to get better' - I have had it so much yet still can send shivers down my spine. I have been dealing with my physicality much better. Just letting the weakness in and be there and breaking the chain reaction that it creates. But I am still caught out time to time - like tonight doing the washing up and just feeling so so tired and thinking to myself 'what is going on here??'. It got me so low tonight. Thinking of what I could do now I have better anxiety with more energy - where I could walk to etc. Thinking of how little improvement I have made physically. Feeling isolated and lost. 

 

Underneath it I am stronger now. My house is build less on the sand now if you like. My world view is just so transformed. I realise everything I need is in me. I have proof that I can live a happy life with this body from the last 3 months, in particular the 5 weeks away. I have experimental knowledge of enjoying life in this body and that is massive! I have so much less desire for earthly things, as once you get the spirituality bug you see it opens a world that is infinite, a whole new world. What I have experienced in prayer, meditation and mindfulness transcend anything I have experienced when in earth mode mentally. There is so much adventure and travelling for me to do - it's just it's in my head, not over seas and land. Since everything we experience is a product of the mind anyway I feel I can make up for where I can't travel physically through my mental practices. I obviously had a wonderful time in Somerset, but my best heaven experience I've had still remains the once before I left walking down a road of busy traffic on a Friday afternoon in London. In that moment I had everything I ever wanted. If that can happen in such an uninspiring situation is just shows it's open to anybody where ever you are. In a way it is more beautiful because you have turned something that seems uncomfortable into something amazing. Like i said before, as I have experimental knowledge of such as state in London that gives me huge strength underneath the habitual thought patterns that still come to the surface from time to time. I am armed with evidence now!! 

 

I had my Lyme doctor today on Skype, was telling him about my stomach. He had a few theories and has wants me to do a load of blood and urine tests. Then from there depending on results it will determine the next step. He has suggested people to see in the case of positive results. The stomach has actually not been as good as it was the last few days. But since I spend an hour talking about it at the beginning of my day it was obviously on my mind more. Still I'm encouraged in particular by Saturday where I barely noticed it! I not stressing over it tonight, despite it being uncomfortable.

 

Man your reaction sounds fantastic earlier! Again that seems a great achievement! It took me so long to get to where I am, so any moment like you had earlier is a big achievement! It so great to hear you say 'I didn't get hung up about it'. That is a really great achievement! I am really proud and exited man! The great thing is this new mindset will only get stronger and stronger. You now have those tools. And the more you practice the better it gets. This is certainly my personal experience. Once you have experience not getting hung up about it, you now know YOU CAN DO IT! It is not something elusive, you have actually done it. This makes such a big difference. When something goes from advice you read in a book to something you have actually experienced. It like training for a marathon - little by little, step by step we can do more and more. We get better and better in our reactions to the thoughts and feelings. And the great thing is it is a tool that is always with you. With a pill you can forget it, but not with this. Like how utilised what I taught myself in London down in Somerset. I'm so excited in the direction your headed now man, based on my own personal experience! Beautiful analogy about the wound and spot on! I has a blister and i had to put on some cream and then a plaster each day, but I often forgot to do it. One day i casually realised in the middle of the day it had gone, I didn't know when. I was just like 'oh it's gone, i hadn't noticed before!'. It had been there for ages but as I wasn't worrying at all about it, it became a non-issue for me. I felt no difference really when it was there and when it wasn't, because i was completely emotional unattached to it. 

 

My sister has anxiety. But after seeing what I have gone through she takes no pills, which is fantastic. She had therapy before and now is more looking at mindfulness. She writes down what she is grateful for each morning and stuff like that. Really impressive. So it's good where on the same page in and bounce of each other. Plus my cousin who was fascinated by my mindfulness and it's a good environment for me. Lots of encouragement for what I'm trying to do. My dad spend the weekend in a Benedictine monastery as well! Soon the house will be like a monastery LOL!! 

 

I'm really sorry about your wife and can see how tough it is for you. The one big positive is she is getting therapy, so at least something is being done. As I said before therapy takes time. It took me a good while with my current one before I even started doing exposures. It's a slow process but it does work. I will really pray her mood picks up. I have been in a position like her with social anxiety, and it is very tough to break that cycle, but it will happen, like it did with me! Having the courage to start therapy in the first place is the key step for me and she already done that! 

 

I will be praying man! Hope that the rest of the evening went well! 

 

Love you brother 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Hey brother.

 

I thought you would be able to relate to that feeling of sudden panic. I had another one today and I did my best to shrug it off. But you got it.. "I am still living this life" is exactly what I think. We just need the means to distract our thoughts without having to engage in anything - this all comes down to the mindfulness I know. I am trying...

 

Today was a very strange one. I woke and felt relatively OK until I realised that I was promised a call from the mental health team bloke at 12noon. This was his promise - he gave his word considering "how I was not contacted before when I should be". I started to get anxious and stressed very quickly as I knew the situation had the capacity to ruin my day. It got to 12.15, nothing... 12.30, nothing... 12.50 I decided to call. Spoke to receptionist "Can I speak to Rob please - he promised me a phone call by 12"... "Ah.. Rob has a couple of days off, I'll leave him a message to say that you called". Can you believe it? This guy told me he would call on Monday knowing that he had a day off. What is wrong with these people man? That really put me in a tailspin as it confirmed that I am just not getting the support I need and that no-one cares. My fears realised. I still visited 3 clients and did a £30 food shop. I was walking around with such a horrible feeling. Not depression, not anxiety, just that I wanted to go home (not earth home). Everything on earth felt so futile, so wasteful. I am a bit better now, but it has hurt me a lot....

 

I'm sorry to hear you got caught out with yours last night. I can imagine that a physical response can do this to you. I am fortunate that I do not have that and it is just the mental side of things. Isolated and lost... hmmm, yes similar to how I was today I suppose. Stranger in a strange land - that sort of feeling. Very homesick for the love and warmth of the Summerland.

 

That said, I kept getting the occasional flashes of good breaking through - like the sun coming through the clouds periodically. A complete change.. until it then went back. This carried on all day. I felt my emotions were toying with me... just choose will you!! Positive or negative! But make your damn mind up!! LOL.

 

I really like the idea of the travel in your mind and I can completely see this. When I meditate about my life on the Other Side, there is nothing on earth that can come close... and our mind has the capacity to make things as real to us as we wish them to be. Oh - and to be able to take that anywhere you go as you say - that would be amazing. Speaking on which, I forgot to tell you... my friday nights sleep. As you will remember, Friday was such a bad day and I again had the feeling that I was very much alone and no-one cares. That night I had a very vivid, yet simple dream. No prior thoughts before going to bed - just that I felt alone with my issues. In my dream I walked through a frosted panelled aluminium door into a small kitchen. From there I walked through into a living area and saw an old wing-backed chair unholstered in green fabric. "I redognise this chair" I thought. I walked round to the front of it, and sitting in there was my grandad just how I remembering him watching the snooker. He means the world to me. I just held his arm and wept tears of joy. That was the whole dream. I woke up knowing that I AM being watched over. Of all the times that my grandad could have chosen to visit me in my dreams - that was the one. Such a nice place to be and I am convinced this is no mistake, no fabrication of the mind.

 

Sounds like you have some plans laid out for the stomach issue. I assume that if it is the Dulox then it will show nothing? Or are they expecting to see something? Either way, I will continue praying for some result for you. Bit numb in the head now so will have to sign off. Really hope that tomorrow brings something clearer and I do not get hung up on my thoughts. I can but try...

 

Love you man

 

God Bless 

[LDN]

Hey man! We are in sync again since right now I feel a desperate homesickness! I feel so lost and confused! Earths feel so futile as you saw, and I just feel desperate to go home! I am in a bad moment with my 'shell'. Very weak, tired, feeble, my legs are hurting a lot, my stomach has been a bit worse today. Just no energy at all. A bit concerning, but I do seem to have these moments once in a while when I'm really weak. It tends to come with a deeply isolating form of depression. I am so lucky to have my spirituality, because moments like this show me what it's like without it. I mean it's still there, but I'm so weak it is harder to connect with. My depression is deeply existential. Just despair and a sense of pure futility. No colour, no vibrancy, no excitement. I was very badly depressed last night before bed. It was brutal. But once in bed straight to sleep. Then on my walk today I was feeling really uncomfortable and depressed. Very unusual for me to feel like that on my walks. My brain was flirting with all out panic, as I hate feeling depressed in public, but I somehow managed to stay calm and accept the situation. I really embraced the depression (yes I know really weird) and just let it be there. I knew any sort of avoidance would lead to the panic. By accepting the depression and I felt much more in control. I was managed to re-contextualise the situation, out one of negativity into one of success, since I was feeling proud that I was facing the depression and keeping my composure. I told my self this is just chemistry and just examine yourself as if it was an experiment. I said to myself just enjoy the curiosity of it - it sounds really weird and it is hard to explain but it really worked. By the end of the walk I was in a state of peace, as well as being depressed - a strange combination, but so much better than panic mixed with depression. So I was pretty happy with how that went and I feel I handled it really well. 

 

Maybe my favourite moment of my day is garden prayers. I just always feel at peace. Just walking in the garden and thinking and praying about you and others. I come out of it feeling stronger. It gives me a sense of purpose. 

 

I am just so so upset about this mental health tram behaviour. I just am deeply hurt that they would treat you like this. All I can say is your response seems INCREDIBLY calm in the circumstances. I just feel so sad about it. You are dealing with it so well. I just can't imagine what you are going through. It hurts my heart a lot. It is nowhere near as bad but the NHS says my illness is fake, so I can empathise to some degree. In Germany and America it is accepted so what gives here? They even told my mum to her face we don't accept on the NHS that is a condition. Anyway as I said I think you are dealing with it amazingly! I am immensely proud of you! This is part of the plan for your life for some reason, and one day you will know, but for now so so proud of you. Thank goodness for people like you in the world and how lucky to be brothers with some one so special! And a massive well done for the clients and food shop! Also happy you had some good moments, despite them fazing in and out.

 

Yeah when I have heaven moments or mystical moments, whatever you want to call them, nothing touches how I feel. Even having the ketamine high didn't get close. Just pure peace and utter love for everything. In the moment everything is right and harmonious. It is a wonderful state and I must keep working on it. Man that dream is amazing! WOW! Your granddad visited you to say he was with you in this! Amazing! Oh I am so happy for you! That is stunningly beautiful! I am so happy he with you on your journey! YOUR ARE BEING WATCHED OVER, NO MISTAKE! HE IS WITH YOU ON THIS! And on that day as well, that is so profound! Hold onto that man! You now know you are not by means alone on this journey! Oh man that has made me really happy and positive to hear that - thank you so much for sharing that!

 

Struggling to think here now, very foggy. 

 

I love you brother!

 

God Bless