2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Hey man... how is Heaven down there today? I was thinking today how we can even re-enact a bit of heaven down here. All this lovely talk of the countryside and animals down there sounds like an unimaginable other-worldly place - and when we are both fixed and I pop down for a visit we will be there in the field saying things like.. "there's that tree I hugged that I mentioned in one of my earlier messages when I first met my aunt after 5 years and you started your homeopathy". It will happen. For sure. Just nice to picture it in the mean time.

 

So 30c down here again as I said to our Gailage. Two hours outside was well enough for me. I just cannot take the heat. I get agitated and dizzy - nothing to do with anxiety, I just can't tolerate the humidity. Similar your end, or did you have the luxury of rain? The wife wasn't so good today, but as I explained to her, 2 weeks off the Lexapro, things will start to rollercoaster like nothing before, but she will even out. I am really proud of her for doing the taper. She was of the thinking that I had done 5 in the last year, so how hard could it be? She is finding out... and that is only the first (and last AD) she has taken. She thanks you for your kind words on her waking exposure. I hope she hangs on to that and she can talk about it at her therapy.

 

Great that you say your aunt and cousin again. This is really becoming quite habitual for you now. Do you think it will be even easier when you return to London? Do you think it will concern you less to have people visit? I would imagine that it is a little surreal with all of this going on. It is not your "normal", and much like the rest of us, our "normal" is often to feel awkward and upset (!), so it just doesn't feel right to be sitting around and having a conversation over a cup of tea!! But obviously the more you do things - any things - the more normal they will become. No question - this will have to overwrite your previous "normal". It is phenominal progress that you have made. I was thinking you would leave it with going back to the house, but no, you have done your usual time of walking and seen all the family, bonded with the cat... it really is remarkable. I am so proud and happy all at the same time. This can already be part of your new normal - a retreat to the second home. You know you can do it, and that you feel in no way estranged from your emotions now. 

 

So how did tea with the other friends go today? 

 

Funny you should be emotionally neutral... not numb... but neutral. Exactly the same - although moments of more happiness, but mood has still been stable for the most part. It is what other people might say was a bit of a "meh" or "blah" day. They happen. The heat didn't help of course, but I had no problem occupying time once I got myself out of bed. So I will chalk this up as another good day. It is promising in that there is nothing happening in my life that would cause me to be overtly happy. Before when I have had days in a row like this, there has been something happen to bring this out of me, but the last few days it has just been life as normal, I have just seen more pleasure in my art, study, my car... everything I want to enjoy.

 

Still trying to work your brain out this end! I know you will say that I will have a hard time in doing so, but I am a thinker.. and a researcher, so I am going to think. It is unstoppable! In it's basic form, it is like a body part like anything else that has sustained an injury and is regrowing again. I remember when I severed my thumb and it had to be strapped to a little splint for 6 weeks. It was that bad. I nearly cut the thing clean off! When the hospital took it off and told me to bend it, it just didn't happen. It took about 3 weeks before I had something akin to normal motor skills again. But with neurology, it is so much more. I will continue to think on and I will let you know how I go!

 

Again - so very proud and happy for you brother - much love and light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey my special Gail!!! 

 

Yes we are doing a swap!!! I'm excited for your vacation!! 

 

Will there be pheasants and sheep as well?? LOL!! If there is a hunting cat, then you must look out for the dead rats!! A nice snack for you! LOL!!

 

Please give your boy Double C a stroke from me!! I hope he is being good!! 

 

I love you!

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Hey man! Heaven is amazing!! Another really good day for me! I had such a good time with our friends from the village. They look after the cat when we are in London. They check her every day and feed her. Such a nice couple. They are brilliant. They are really Somerset people, have such strong accents. They have a few tales to tell as I'm sure you can imagine! I hadn't seen them for just under 7 years, so was so nice to see them! I was quite worried as I was telling you I would be too tired, but actually I felt fine. They have a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, and she is a beauty! She spend the whole time just licking me mostly on my hand but sometimes my leg. They said she really like me lol! I loved her. I can't wait to she her again! They have a bad reputation apparently, but they are just the sweetest dogs! Apparently she wouldn't harm a fly. They said they had a mouse and she wouldn't even catch that. All she wanted to do was just lick me like crazy!! Ironic my little cat is eat rats heads and this really muscular dog won't even catch a little mouse! They said she had never caught anything. They got her from the RSPCA. I know you are more of a cat guy but this dog was magic!! Just a very muscular ball of Love! Felt so sad when she left! Apparently she and our cat lick each other and are great friends! 

 

After they had gone I went on a nice walk to the field. The sunset was just incredible. The way the light was coming through the trees was so heavenly!! You will see in the email I sent! I went and said hi to my friends the sheep! Said some prayers for you up in the field! What a place to pray with sunset, the sheep, the heather! It was such a good day. I had a well earned siesta as well! Was initially going to come down for a month and then I suggested we have an extra week, but maybe now I should suggest just not bothering with returning to London!! Not remotely looking forward to being back in London, but getting in 5 weeks uninterrupted has been brilliant. Considering how nervous I was about coming down at all! I'm getting used to this countryside way of life as you feared I would!! I must say I'm pretty amazed at how well it has gone. When your here, there is no where else in the world you would want to be. Get a dog and then write my book down here - not a bad plan is it? My dad will be moving down here pretty soon as well! Today was a bit like last monday, a pinch yourself sort of day. Hard to believe after all those years in the wilderness, I am now back doing 'normal' things and really enjoying it! It like I am in 2010!! I really felt just a sense of peace and a pure happiness today! Was magic. Like being an innocent child again! You will have to remind of this, if I get a bumpy patch! So many years of waiting, what a endorsement of patience!! Even when I was here last year, I'm just in different place completely now. In a completely different state of consciousness! As they were two different planets! This mind and spirituality work has been transformational for me! 

 

I was talking to our friends today and they were saying that our cat is part siamese! Man last night me and cat had a 1 hour and a half cuddling and hugging session!! It was incredible! It felt like maybe 20 minutes or something and then I came and checked the time and was like what!!! She was putting her paws on my chest and her head on my shoulder, and really cuddling up! My dad told me before he's never seen her before like she is with me! Must be our mutual suffering! My dad says she gives me special treatment. Like her paws, i will hold them and we do a dance together. Right now is she literally right next to my chair as I type!! All I have to do is pat my legs or click my fingers and she will come to me. She is so good with me. To be so close like I was last night to such a feral cat is crazy. Hard to believe she then goes off and bites rats head off lol!!

 

Can't wait to show you all around mate!! What a lovely picture you describe and what a thing to look forward too!! 

 

So another good day - YES MAN!! This is so wonderful to hear!! I really think this extra enjoyment and happiness could be down to the mind work and meditation. What you describe is very similar to what I have read people saying - of doing the same things as before but suddenly they there is something extra. A sense of the beauty in the world. Really savouring everything you do. It looks like you have reached a real breakthrough. By being present and 'here' it can have a real profound change to how you experience everyday life. The book on meditation I was reading by this evolutionary psychologist was saying just this. If they brain scam people who regularly meditate they can see a difference to people who don't. For example, the places in the brain that become active when you are feeling compassionate are much more active. They have much higher scores. This psychologist was saying that when he went on a silent meditating retreat he started seeing everything in a different way, everything was more profound and beautiful. 

 

The weather was warm but not too hot, lovely sun but not too sweaty. I think definitely in theory these exposures should become less nerve racking. To be honest I don't get too nervous now, but more just want to make sure I don't push my brain too far. So in London, my plan is fully carry on with what I'm doing. Still plenty of things I can do in my present state that need to be ticked off. The only think I'm really nervous of is seeing friends my age. But seeing my 2 cousins in their 20s will have definitely helped that. I think your wife will have a great therapy session now after that huge exposure. The therapist must be so proud. I will be praying the lexapro withdrawal can smooth out. 

 

Mate the cat is going mental here wanting attention, but such a pleasure to talk and I will keep praying! So so proud of you! You are doing amazing work!! Honestly I could talk all night!! But I have little missy here who wants me all to herself LOL!! 

 

Love you so much man!! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

My dear brother - something very odd going on here... our lives seemed to be locked in some sort of sync. I got to my parents today and my cousins were there!! So I too, like you, spent ages chatting to them and catching up. You couldn't make this stuff up!! Felt a little awkward to begin with because it had been around 3 years, but once chatting, all was ok. 

 

And another good day for you!! This is great! I tell you, the more you can keep this stuff up, the more it will reward you. They must be really nice people to come in and look after the cat on a daily basis, but then cats are the epitome of affection, so who wouldn't! My neighbour has just started a new relationship with a chap in France(!) so I get to look after 2 cats most weekends at the moment. It really is a privaledge. Staffy's as far as dogs go are quite nice. Never judge a book by its cover. I don't like to stereotype too much by breed as they can have their own personality the same as anything else. I do worry how you will fair without your furry companion when you go back to London. At least if nothing else, she will keep you coming back. Cats are drawn to very sensitive, open, giving and kind people - this is why she made a beeline for you. She can sense it. When you get out and about, you will go to people's houses and their cat will let you stroke, not run away or similar and the owners will say things like "that is amazing, fluffy never like strangers". They are amazing creatures.

 

Thanks for the photos - it looks so lovely down there.. and that sheep had such a funny puzzled look about it! I would be in the same situation as you after 5 weeks. I would not want to leave at all. You have been spoiled with all that lovely quiet! I know a break that way would do me so much good, but I just can't handle the responsibility at the moment... plus staying somewhere that wouldn't work with my sleeping patterns. This is what bothers me about hotels... the 10am check-out time. No way I could do that!! LOL

 

I will certainly remind you of these times if and when a downturn comes up. This is the best thing about journaling the stuff - we can always look back on it and cannot deny it as we wrote it! I think where you are in the country really benefits you on a spiritual level too. A lot of the history down there is steeped in the ancient religions... there is always something down there to remind you of the wonders of nature. Last time I remember being out on a walk and seeing a group of horses all walking one behind each other up the same hill I was climbing. It looked so strange. I had to ask a local to get the answer, but before I say anything, maybe you already know? Any ideas?

 

As far as the rest of my day went, I woke up with some fear, and these damn restless arms. But I had a new client that I had to see this week, so I just went in for the plunge. I called and said I would be there in 30 minutes. I sealed my fate! I had to go there and then! Did 45 minutes in a very hot and stuffy warehouse, drinking gallons of water, but was fine. I then had to go to a hardware store for something on the car, and I purposely chose to go into the town (as opposed to the store on the edge of town with a car park). I could only park a way from the shop in town, so I had a 10 minute walk with all these people. Then of course my cousins. I can't believe it. Apart from the first couple of hours, it was another normal day!! There are still some moments that creep up on me, but I do my best to ignore them. Again, trying my best not to think of tomorrow, next week etc. Just carrying one day over to the other. It is still 30deg down here too! But tomorrow is back to a nice chilly 21!!

 

Expect you are awaking from siesta to a ball of fur somewhere nearby - will wait to hear the details!

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh wow you saw your cousins as well! Wow what timing! And the first time in 3 years!! Man nice exposure well done!!! Another exposure to add to your excellent list! It sounds like you dealt with the situation really well!! 

 

Yeah their such lovely people. Our best friends in the village. They are only about 5 minutes walk away. But that is the countryside community. Everybody helps everybody out and you know your neighbours well. A few other villagers help from time to time as well. In London the people who did the building work next door a few years ago, I don't even know what they look like!! Let alone met them! Same with my brother and sister! They have been living there for about 2 1/2 half years!! World gone mad! Old school down here! Nice that you are looking after your neighbours cats! That is kind of you but obviously must be fun as well! Man I'm telling you that dog was magic. Licking me like her life depended on it. So loving and affectionate it was crazy! They just adore her! I couldn't bear them leaving as I did want the dog to go!! 

 

Yeah man last night we had another over an hour session together! All through me writing my post to you she was circling me, climbing on my chair, meowing like crazy! She even jumped on the table - which she never does!! So the moment I finished it was straight to the sofa and she was all over me!! It felt like 20 minutes but then I checked the time and it had been an hour and 15 minutes!! The time just goes when your in the moment with them. I still find it weird how she is just such a hunter and then with me is so unbelievably sweet. Our friends were telling me she can be quite rough with other cats as well, but with me pure sweetness. It is definitely going to be hard without her. Last year I didn't get anywhere near as close as this year. Also I find it addictive. I just have to get my fix with her. There is something in me just forcing me to go and cuddle her. Even now just feel an urge to go and cuddle her. So I will soon have a case of cat withdrawal effects!! Any supplements for that? LOL! I might go to a rescue home and see what they have regards dogs and cats. Not sure who would look after the cat in London when we are away though. The other neighbours we know a bit, but they are always away. London is our main house and I can't think of many people who could help us out yet in the country they are loads of people! 

 

Today a rest day. After having two meetings in two days. I did go on a walk to my tree friend though! I gave her another hug! I was hugging God. I wanted to show him my gratitude and love. Just a usual day of me being weird basically!! I'm definitely not looking forward to going back, but it is where my osteopath, therapist, p doc etc. all are. Also my dad is back to work. Last year it felt horrible going back to London from here, so imagine this year after 5 weeks! It feels so claustrophobic, build up compared to down here. Much less natural light due to all the buildings everywhere around you. 

 

I know what you mean about the ancient religions. Glastonbury is pretty near and that is very pagan. Glastonbury Tor as well. Stonehenge on the way down. Froome can be quite alternative. At Pilton Farm where they have Glastonbury festival there is stone circle where you can go at dawn. Don't know about the horses, fascinated to know? 

 

Man that is great about going into town, when you didn't have to! Great stuff! Plus the cousins on top of that!! Your being so brave right now!! I am just a combination of pride and awe here!! Brilliant man!! I can feel my consciousness shifting and having states of happiness I haven't felt for years and years. Being down here and the sense of liberation just feels like having been in hibernation for all those years and waking up again. Surreal. As I say, will need you to remind me of these moments! I just hope i can carry on in London. 

 

Lol yeah normally the sheep waddle away if you get too close, but this guy just came really near me! Was quite the character as you can see!! I've become so fond of the sheep as well!! I see what you mean about hotels but there is always Air BnB? Obviously for only when you are stronger. 

 

So happy for another great day of exposures for you!! Your doing so great man!! 

 

Love you so much man! 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Evening brother LDN. So exhausted this evening. It is yesterday catching up with me. Got a bit too excited by it all, so took it a little less crazy today, but still say two clients, another repair on the car and helped the parents with some DIY.. bless them, they are getting on a bit. One of my cousins got trapped in the bathroom when the handle mechanism broke!! They were stuck in a small en-suite bathroom for quite some time... just glad she wasn't claustrophobic! So, again, another good day! Again, couple of hours this morning where I had my doubts, but it soon eased. Busy day tomorrow with work so will have to see how I get on.

 

Neighbours in a nice rural place are great.. and the fact that you can trust them so much having the roam of the house, knowing when it is empty etc. There are so many places where people don't even acknowledge their neighbours - such a shame. My parents are out in the country and they are the same. Everyone knows everyone. It is a small village - just a pub and a bakery. I really want to meet your cat now! Another reason to get better and join you there! They are just like people as you can really get to know a cat. Did I ever tell you about my reincarnation story of my parents cat??

 

So do you have a date for when you are coming back to London? I know it will be difficult, but you will soon get readjusted to the surroundings. The memories will live on in your mind, and as I have said man times, now you have had a taste of a good life down there, you will be going back at every opportunity I am sure. It is a holiday home, and that is what it will mean for you now. A holiday, a break from the norm - something to look forward to and to keep you going. 

 

I have been to Glasto a few times myself, and climbed up to the Tor - get a bit windy up there if I remember rightly. So yes, these horses walking in single file together. A knowledgable chap at the pub that night told me they were walking along a ley line. They are drawn to the energy that it gives them to climb up the hills. I know a lot of people scoff at the idea of ley lines, but when you see a herd of horses act in such a strange way, it is difficult to refute. The path they were walking moved around a bit too, but it all made sense. 

 

Speaking of Glastonbury, I went to the Reading Festival some years back. Had to do it once, but my goodness - never again. You couldn't move for tents - and one porta-john for 100's of people. It was disgusting! I only went with my partner at the time as I didn't like the idea of them going alone.

 

Wow - I am already feeling my eyes close! No idea how I am going to stay awake for another 5 hours for my usual bedtime! Dinner will help I am sure! Were you brought any dinner today? Maybe a squirrel head or mouse torso? LOL. Bless your cat's furry little soul! So did you have some more time out today, or where there any exposures to speak of? 

 

Much love and light man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man - continuing our synchronicity I am also knackered tonight! Man that sounds a pretty busy day to be honest - DIY at your parents, the car, 2 clients!! Massive well done!! Your getting into such a great rhythm here! Hearing about these good days just tops off what has been a great trip for me!! So happy for you!! 

 

Funny we were talking about neighbours last night, as today on the way back on my walk I bumped into some people for the first time on my trip! I said hello and then they came over and said 'are you the son of so and so (my dad)'. I said yes and they said they lived just up the road in the bungalow and we shook hands. Really friendly and I was a bit in shock to be honest! In London as I say don't even know what one of the neighbours look like!! 

 

Today it was raining which I love, so was cracking outside! Just looking into the hills in the distance through the misty rain!! I saw my mates the sheep as well and did a sign of the cross over them to bless them! My mum told me the other day that I am becoming like St. Francis of Assisi!! In a few years I will get live here full time when my dad retires and that is just such a nice thought!! Just reading, meditating, being in nature, being with animals and maybe by then starting to write as well!! The soul of the land has my heart mate! 

 

Yeah my cat is amazing! Just such a blend of this feral beast and then sweet and cuddly. I heard she even caught a pheasant once! My mum shouted and then it flew away! You can really see she was abused - she is very sensitive and scared of humans mostly. When the other cat got taken off to be put down, she was so upset. She couldn't bear it. I watch her outside and she always looks so deep in thought, it is as if she is meditating! I'm a bit worried how she will cope without me, considering I have been having such long cuddling sessions, no else does that with her! No you never told me that story!! Sounds amazing!! Man that story is incredible - I didn't even know what ley lines were, so had to look it up! You have so much knowledge about nature and spirituality!! I wonder if there is a book about cat psychology, as I would love to know more about how their brains work. On a related note, my godmothers son is autistic and has MS and he has this crazy relationship with animals. I was at their house once and he came out into the garden and suddenly all the pigeons just flew onto him. They had no fear of him at all. He obviously had some sort of energy that drew them to him. They were all on his arm and shoulders. These were wild pigeons and they were like his pets. He took in a injured one and looked after it as well. I think he is on youtube, I will have to have a look. 

 

So just another day off today and no mouse torso yet! The other day with my cousin, my dad called out and said she got a mouse and by the time we got there to have a look it had all been gobbled up and she was just licking her lips! She is obsessed by these things called Dreamies have you heard of them? It's a type of cat food. Tomorrow I am seeing my godfather who I haven't seen for at least 7 1/2, probably more! Then back to London on Monday. 

 

Fantastic work man! So delighted here! I hope tomorrow goes well!! 

 

Love you man! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Thanks for your kind words brother - helped me feel better this morning. Having a run of disturbing dreams which are cramping my mornings a bit - but once I am awake and getting on with the day, the feelings disperse. Not quite sure where they are coming from. Digging up lost of past that I don't really want. Repressed memories and all that Freudian stuff. I am sure it will go...

 

So you still have another 3 days... I am sure you will make the most of it. You have done such a fantastic job with these 5 weeks. I am sure that if I had the benefit of foresight and could tell you 5 weeks ago that this is how long you would stay, there is no way you would have believed it!! So have you any idea when you might be able to go back down? You are the same as me, I would also worry that the cat would be lonely. After having so many, you'd think it would get easier, but it really doesn't! Instead of a child-based family, I have cats and cars!! LOL

 

It is great that people can find pleasure in the rain - it is so atmospheric. I used to do training down in North Wales and it was forever raining there, but it was still great. I guess it was the company of the other people I was with, but whenever I get a smell of that musty water smell, it takes me right back to the kit room up there with all the boots and wet gear! Great memories. So I guess you will be happy to leave full time down there? It might coincide with your recovery and you can have somewhere nice and quiet and inspirational to write your books. This is your destiny playing out man...! Maybe, I could start writing my second volume when I come and stay!!

 

Speaking of cats and meditation.. I had to have a search - and it turns out they DO meditate man!!

 

"Cats love to meditate. Cats even have a special meditation eyelid called the nictitating membrane that may slowly close over their eyeball if they are in deep meditation, thus activating sensory deprivation or pratyahara, something that human yogis have most often used aids for."

 

They are indeed fluffy gurus! We need to ask them for tips! Oh, and I have found a good book for you on Amazon;

 

https://www.amazon.c...y/dp/1844032434

 

Would be interested if you knew where this video with your godmother's son and the pigeons are... sounds amazing. Funny that whenever I see someone talk about "Godfather" I just think of the Italian mafia!! LOL. So how did that go today?

 

So as far as my day went... I was out the door at 2.30pm and didn't get home until 9pm! It has been months since I have managed that length of time! It was a very long day of work, car repair (again!), food shopping and helping parents. Needless to say, I am once again shattered and really looking forward to a rest this weekend, but I will have loads to talk about with my friend when I see her. I am really amazed at what has happened over the last 7 days. If this is the homeopathy working then I need to send more people to this amazing woman. I am glad I did spend time seeking out what I consider to be the best. Even if the remedy wasn't working quite as well as it is, I would still continue as I have seen so much progress since I have started to use plant-based stuff. It does make me wonder what she could do for you. We'll see how my progress goes first...

 

OK - need to rest. I did manage to stay awake to my usual 4-4.30am. I did get a second-wind after dinner as I expected. I don't like my sleep to get out of whack as it does make me more lethargic. Is your sleep cycle part of your condition - has it been diagnosed at all? I only got mine diagnosed because I was so annoyed that my parents kept waking me up at 8am every day saying I was wasting the day. I told them so many times about what was going on. So after a load of mucking about with the doctors I was diagnosed with DSPD - delayed sleep phase disorder. Don't like the disorder part as it makes it sound like it is a clinical condition, but it is just now a way of life - I cannot change it. But works great for me, just as it does you, that in the small hours it is so quiet, no phone calls, no email, minimal traffic - we can relax so much easier! On that note...

 

All my love and light to you man!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! WOW!! 6 hours 30 minutes out! That is incredible!! Mate I'm running out of words here to describe my mix of happiness and pride!! Car, parents, work, shopping!! It is lovely we are both going through a really good phase together so we can both enjoy each others triumphs!! I can imagine you are absolutely knackered though!! 

 

So I had my godfather today and his wife. As I said hadn't seen them for ages, so was quiet nervous. Also I was pretty depressed last night, my usual night depression but just a bit more than usual but I fell to sleep straight away. It comes on about 30/45 minutes before I get into bed. Particularly spikes at about 15 minutes to go. I normally wake up feeling good but today I woke feeling just really weak, tired, demotivated, low - basically not remotely in the mood to see people you haven't for years!! But I closed my eyes and just a very brief meditation moment - just looking very quickly at my anxiety and annoyance I was feeling. I also connected to my unity belief - the idea of interdependence and connectedness. This is a big big help for me. Something I have taken from my Buddhists and Hindu readings. Then finally just told myself my core principle - 'just bring love, that is all you have to do'. If I go into a situation and everything is focussed on spreading love - then I feel calm. It doesn't matter what happens as long as I bring the love. Really cultivate that compassion in my heart. I try and spread positive energy and that is it - the rest will deal with itself! When my aunt wrote to me and send she felt in me 'the peace the world cannot give' that meant so much - because that is just in a way what I am trying to do. Just be a conduit for divine love. Open myself and just let it flow through me. 

 

So I had this little moment and then went out and it went well. But it means since Sunday I have seen 3 different set of people - 4 of them for the first in years!! That is pretty intense for my standards! So now for the rest of the trip just relax. Emotionally more than anything else I just need time to process what I have achieved and let it sink in. It is a huge pressure when you haven't seen somebody for years - it takes way more out of me than say going to my therapist! So just some time off! 

 

My godfather has a friend whose son has got Lyme Disease and they were telling me about him. He got it at 20 and now is 33 and still really ill. Apparently he did briefly go back to work but just didn't have it in him and it was too much. Of course NHS don't recognise it and has no money, so has had to rely on an uncle for funding. The private treatment in England is absurdly expensive and isn't even that good. Germany is much better and much cheaper, that is why I went there. But while on one hand it was nice to know I'm not alone, it was also quite scary to think he has it for 13 years and is not better. I mean what are you mend to do? And what is also scary is that i have heard a lot of stories like that. But at the moment I am doing well. I am enjoying myself and have so much more research to do that I am so looking forward to. I have a huge list of spiritual stuff to read. I'm looking forward to my growth spiritually as well. As we always say you have to be in the present. And the present is good for me and I am happy - so what is the point in thinking about the future. This time last year I was in a horrific depression and also was in a personal crisis. I didn't have a purpose, my life was without meaning. Now I have a massive purpose with my spirituality and that excites so much! I am genuinely excited for the next few months for all the reading I have planned! The Testimony of Light really made such a difference to me. I realised in this life we can prepare ourselves for heaven. Like the missionary. I've got to put in the work spiritually at some point, so why not start now, rather than wait till I'm in the next life. I'm seeing such a shift in consciousness and again I'm excited about where this will lead me. I've read such extraordinary stories of shifts in consciousness. I might not have an official jog, but every day I'm working hard. I'm just working on my spirituality. I sort of a mix of a hermit and a monk lol!! 

 

Man last night and then this afternoon two amazing cuddling sessions with my cat!! Just surreal really. Such a connection between us. It is very moving. She really holds so tight to me. The way she looks at me as well is amazing, she just stares at me from in my arms, as if she is so deep in love. She puts her paw around me, like giving me a hug. Very powerful and poignant. Amazing what a bond man can create with an animal. Really beautiful we can't speak the same language but we can be so close. Then late this afternoon she came with me down to the garden. I would walk ahead a bit and then turn and crouch down. Every time I crouched down she would run straight to me! Then I would walk some more, turn around and crouch and again she run to me. Straight away every time. I haven't taught her this, but it was like I had. Then we looked at the cows together. The thing is she is always fine when we are away, never had a problem with this arrangement for years. But no one has ever got so close to her as I have this trip. The rest of my family stroke her and are friendly but nothing like cuddling for over an hour like I do! My mum said I should tone it down a bit the next few days, so it isn't too much of a shock. I would adore to bring her back with me, but she would hate that. As I say she can't even do a 5 minute car journey to the vet, we have to pay for them to come her! I think she feels safe here at this house and since she has been abused by previous owner, just is terrified of leaving. 

 

Man love that book, thanks for that!! Also that is amazing that they meditate!! She is always meditating then!! I think what will be definitely will be tough is for me. You were so right about cat therapy!! What a treatment!! It feels so good to cuddle her. I have the bug!! I can't imagine not getting on that sofa with her and snuggling. So just a heads up for next week! Still it means I will be desperate to get back here!! 

 

I will ask my mum about the videos and send them over. It is amazing. It shows people who has disabilities can have amazing skills that most of us don't have. I think you said you liked Oliver Sacks, is that right? Doesn't he talk about how people with brain damage can develop unique skills? I know that is slightly different but the same sort of area. 

 

No it is not part of my condition nor has it been diagnosed but my main lyme doctor understands it and has no problem with it at all, so I have his support!! I often awake when my sister is up! She is getting ready for work and having breakfast and I'm reading away! Yeah would love to life here full time I think. I think it is more suited to my condition - with fields on your doorstep you don't need to be that strong to have a really good walk. Yeah I was so nervous about a month!! Last year I can for twice both times for about 1 1/2 weeks, so a massive step up! It was even me who asked to stay for a week longer! I remember when I heard my mum saying in London to doctors 'we are going away for a month' and I felt so uncomfortable just hearing that. But from the moment I got here I never thought I'm here for a month, I just said lets take it day by day simple as that. I thought let's see if I can make a week, and then re-assess. And now it's been almost 5 weeks!! So that mental process worked really well for me! 

 

Hope tomorrow goes well man! Again congrats for your brilliant work!! So so pleased!! 

 

Love you! 

 

God bless

[gail]

Scrat and London, how you write good. I would like to to be same. Practicing with London.

One day, you will hear me singning praise and smiling my head off. London said so and since God manifests himself through people, thank you both. Much lovage from double c and myself

[invalidusername]

Good evening brother! I think it goes without saying that I am once again, so knackered! I am sleeping just fine, but I think I have overdone it this week a little, but at least it is the weekend and hopefully I can have time to meditate more and get some relaxation back.

 

Having your depression before bed is really useful! So good that you can sleep it off - just good that it is not anxiety. I went through weeks of it when I first relapsed - getting badly anxious right before sleep. Then of course, you cannot sleep as you are worrying too much. But sorry to hear that it had a good go at you last night, and the dismotivation that followed. I was thinking this morning just how much determination you must have to come through the weakness and the annoyance of the condition. I sincerely hope that it doesn't last another 6 years like the other person you mentioned, but you can at least your improvement. That is a big thing. Without seem improvement you obviously have no drive to carry on. Makes you think though, when people like Avril Lavigne had hers done and dusted within 3 and a bit years. Getting sympathy for being bed-bound for 2 years. There are so many people who would have given anything to see the back of it that quickly! Makes you wonder what treatment she can get that other maybe cannot...

 

Aside from being very tired and weak, I started having myotonic jerks again this morning. They are so much worse when I have my eyes closed, each one feels like you have been hit in the face with a cushion by surprise. It is bad on many counts, but worse is that I cannot meditate. They stopped when I was out and about, but then around 9pm I got these damn restless arms again - and 2.5 hours later, still have them.Just can't keep them still, but my body just wants to rest! It is so exhausted and this restlessness just won't let me relax. I have taken some Kratom just now to see if it will help. I know it is going to make me much more tired, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to take if it clears it up. It is making me so irritable. Too tired to do anything, yet I cannot sit still without feeling like I am tied together with rope. 

 

Lovely way to put your goal - a conduit for love. If you can keep this in mind throughout exposures.. and life in general, it can only benefit you - and others. I hope you can give yourself plenty of time over the weekend to let this great little break sink in. You can think about how it is going to positively impact your life from this point. Yes, let it sink in so you can look back on it when in London and notice just how much you accomplished and ensure that you give yourself the appropriate credit for all you have done.

 

Ah wonderful... the Kratom is kicking in. I can feel my restlessness going already! Man - where would I be without this stuff! 

 

I am so glad that Testimony of Light made a difference for you. Good that you feel you can prepare for going back, but obviously not at the detriment of your goal here on earth. Eternity is a long time to be going back to, so we need to make the most of our learning potential while we are here - even where it is Hermit the Monk! LOL.

 

I doubt very much that your furry guru will let you start weening off the cuddles. She will want to get as much in as she can while you are still there - I am sure she would say that too if she could talk! And so lovely that little anecdote about her doing that trick of running up to you when you crouch! I spent some time with my parents cat today. I see him most days and he loves a good hug. He is so relaxed in any situation, in any position, as long as he is getting some love! He has this funny thing of headbutting me! I come down to his level and bow my head, and he headbutts me! I don't know why, but it is so funny! I am quite sure he meditates too. There is a little brick wall that separates my parents garden and the big field they back onto. He sits on that facing the sun and just chills just like a Yogi

 

Wow - my restlessness has gone! Can't believe it works so quickly but man, what a relief! If I am feeling up to it, I want to visit a park nearby that I haven't been to for two years. There are a lot of people, but it is a nice place to walk. It will be quite a big exposure, but it is the first step to getting back to going away overnight... and then a little longer. If the wife could drive, things would be a lot easier, but that isn't going to happen any time soon, so this one is all on me for now. One step at a time - we'll get there. 

 

Might get some reading or meditation in now that I am no longer agitated. It feel so good! The last 2.5 hours have seemed like a lifetime! Hope you had a nice and relaxing day with plenty of feline interaction - look forward to being filled in.

 

Love and light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

YES GAIL ONE DAY YOU WILL BE SINGING PRAISE AND SMILING YOUR HEAD OFF!!!!! 

 

JOY IS COMING!!!!!!!

 

Give that little boy of yours a good stroke from me!!! 

 

Your strength is just amazing!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Hey man YET AGAIN we are on the same wavelength. I think maybe earlier this week has caught up with me. Just very lethargic at the moment. Also it has been a bit of downturn mood wise. So wednesday night I had a bad burst of post bed depression and then last night again it was really pretty horrible. Again I went straight to sleep. It's not time related because last night i went to bed quite a lot earlier but just like usual when I was doing my teeth it really starting to hit badly. Today I just haven't felt great. Nothing unbearable or anything. A few months ago it would be a ok day to be honest, but since I was been doing well it been a bit more obvious. I'm coping well but just feel demotivated and lacking in life, a bit colourless. I not surprised, my mood has been so fluctuating since las summer, so I'm used to these swings. But as I say to be honest i can't really think of many bad days over the 5 weeks down here, so that's a really positive sign. 

 

I've a headache here and a bit mentally blurry - so apologies if this isn't my most eloquent post! I hope it's readable, that the main thing LOL!! Man I'm really sorry about your arm - that sounds really unpleasant. I'm happy the Kratom did the job though! 

 

Ok I'm back!! Guess who was scratching on the door!! I gave her a real good cuddle and in doing so am completely knackered!! Man I'm telling you she works me so hard!! LOL!! Seriously my arms can barely type!! She likes being rubbed really hard! Even now she is walking around me!! For some reason tonight she can't sleep! I gave her a big cuddle session before I came on here and then left her in her bed and thought that she was nice and settled but not long and she was back! She does this thing when she lies on her side and put her paw in the air and her leg in the air and I rub her belly! Man she loves it! It looks so cute the way she just lies there with her paw and leg raised in the air! I left her nice and comfortable on a chair and now she has jumped off and by side looking up at me unimpressed!! Yeah it is so cute when I crouch. They came all the day to the bottom of the garden with me. I was telling my brother and he said can you show me - so this evening she was in the room and I crouched and then BOOM she ran to me in a flash! My brother couldn't believe it. I haven't trained her or anything. Something about me crouching obvious triggers something and she is off!! Also my mum was telling me she caught a mouse and brought it in the kitchen, eating all of it apart from one eye!!! LOL! Then my mum came back with the cleaning stuff and it was gone. She obviously had come back for her dessert lol! I love how she put her paws on me when we cuddle. She put them on my chest or shoulder, it feels so intimate. Sometime she puts her paw on my abdomen as we lie on the sofa. It like she is hugging me! Ah man I love that about your parents cat! Head butting each other LOL!!

I noticed that nictitating membrane you mentioned. They say they are meant to be transparent but hers seems to be white, unless it is something different. She is a proper Yogi this one. Always just sitting in the garden motionless. That is amazing they actually meditate! 

 

Man I think it is to be expected that you would be feeling pretty knackered, as you say. But you do seem to have such a positive outlook at the moment, it is great to see. You just seem to be taking everything in your stride and be able to apply perspective to your situation. I'm so happy to see this and to thing you haven't even started therapy yet!! Your just doing so well and thanks man, because for me it is very inspiring to see. These last 2 years have been crazy for you and yet you can still see the positives, and have so much motivation to grow as a person. It is an amazing achievement man! 

 

Yeah Testimony of Light made me realise that my life had value despite being so ill. If I can grow spiritually that is not going to be wasted. I will help me in the short term but also in the long term - so it ticks all boxes. I remember she said kindness is judged higher than intelligence and skill and that feeds into my focus on love. I try and put as much as I can into every interaction because it then creates a ripple effect. If you can be kind to someone then they are more likely to be kind and so on. With my limited energy I'm just trying to do the best I can and then where that leads me that we'll see. 

 

So great to hear you start thinking about some plans. As you say one step at a time and you'll get there, spot on! This is an exciting time for you! I hope you have a good time with your friend tomorrow! Remember to not push yourself this weekend and have some time like me to take in what you have achieved! 

 

So my furry friend was back and then left - ah and now she back again! She is so restless tonight! 

 

Have a great day man! Sorry for being do knackered here!! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

We really are following the same wavelength here man... slight mood reduction and very lethargic! But mood is still better than it has been when I have been lethargic. I am still relatively positive underneath it all. The only thing that has really got to me today is the agitation. Arms aren't as bad as yesterday evening, but they came on around 5pm and have been quite mild, but enough to let me know that it is there all of the time. I will have a small dose of Special K in a moment to get rid of it otherwise it will stop me sleeping. I think with us both that it is a mild burnout that we are experiencing. Done a bit too much over the last few days and you are absolutely right, I need to give myself time to take it all in.

 

It is usually around now, 9 days, that I start thinking I am on borrowed time mood-wise and that it will all fall down around me any moment, but I am trying to think... but what if it doesn't? What if it actually stayed like this?! Wouldn't that be a wonderful thing. But I have got to get better... some time... why can't it be now?! LOL. What will be, will be. If a bad day comes I at least know I can come through the other side. I am trying not to put pressure on myself in counting days and so forth... like you say, we get used to these swings. The best way to approach them is not to see them as the enemy and fall down the proverbial dark hole as soon as something mildly bad occurs.

 

Just like my mornings, your evening are still clinging on to you - I think these will be the last to go as they are the biggest part of the routine. We just can't see our days happening without it. We almost will this stuff into existence. Like you said, the OK day. It is OK. It has been a lot worse in the past and we are building a new line in the sand. It is fantastic that you can't think of many bad days down there - they have been shadowed by the good times. This is simply fan-bloody-tastic man! This is the best outcome you could have (realistically) hoped for. You went for it - and you got the results. Hang onto this. Hang onto the walks, the tree, the cat, the family reunions... the mice heads!! What an achievement. I wonder what we could accomplish together...! There is always strength in numbers. I remember watching that tourettes documentary where a group of sufferers hired a coach and went to Paris to learn about their condition. In a group they just relaxed as they knew that any attention was diluted over the group and not just on themselves. Their tics really reduced and was really encouraging. Have you seen it at all? No music aside from background, it will be dialogue, so maybe on a stronger day... difficult not to find it comical because of the way they act and speak due to their condition, but mental health sufferers can see beneath and through that for the wonderful work they are doing.

 

Hope the head improved when you woke - and mentally blurry was a good description for me from midday through to around 7pm. We can still function, but just not firing on all 4 cylinders. I had a couple of blank moments at my friends and it felt a bit worrying at times, but I didn't let it turn into anxiety. I knew it would pass.

 

I love your token paragraph about the cat. She really has found affection in you man! How lovely. Some people really do bring out the best in cats. They really can pick up on the goodness in people, and they feel very safe and secure. One of my parents cats who passed away about a year ago would never be picked up - or so my parents said. She would struggle when she was until you put her down. But I tried holding her whole body really tight against mine, and she calmed down. She just wanted to feel secure. Only then would she let you cuddle her.. unless you were sat down, and then it would be fine on your lap! I was picturing your cat's paws holding you as I read... such lovely moments. Treasure them brother...

 

So not made it to the park today, but one client for an hour, then my friends and a small bit of work on the car, and then resting for the rest of the day. I think I need it. When I woke, I was still exhausted and didn't get out of bed for a good couple of hours. Should be better tomorrow, but will see how it goes. If it turns out to just be a walk to the sea instead of the park, then so be it. I can't put the pressure on myself after such a week. Hope you are doing the same. 

 

Look forward to hearing more cat stories later!

 

Much love man!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey brother! Sorry to hear about the agitation, but I hope the special K works it's magic! I think positive underneath it all is a great way of describing where I am at as well. Man I have to say I have noticed such a positive mentality change in you. I really pick up such positivity in your messages, even when things are a bit tough. You seem to have such a great perspective and are not letting yourself get dragged down. Your mind work and meditation must be really starting kick in. This is just so great to see. I don't know if you feel the same about your positive mentality but just from the outside you seem to me in a very balanced and wise place. You seem to have a really great acceptance of your situation. Like today you said you had a couple of blank moments and it was worrying but you let it be and knew it would pass. That is so fantastic you are putting these things into practice. I think you can read about all these ideas all you want, and it does definitely help but when you have experimental evidence of it helping it's a whole new thing. Like with me and the time I meditated on the way to my cousins house when I was feeling anxious. Now I can say to myself 'remember that time you meditated in the car and it helped you so much' and that can give me confidence that I have tools to deal with what situations arise. Like when I met my godfather on Thursday and wasn't feeling good, so just stood in the hall before going outside and had did a similar meditation practice to what I did on the way to my cousins. I KNOW these techniques work for me, so I can pursue developing my mind with added excited having seen some results. I hope that makes some sense. LOL! I agree totally with what you say about strength in numbers, and seems like we are at very similar stages in our journeys. We are both starting to see the results of our work on our minds and how looking at things in a new context can make a big difference. Were both building up a nice tool box man!! 

 

I think that made a lot of sense not to rush things with going to the park today. You had you friend and on the back of such a busy and eventful week. Your approach is spot on. At the end of the day there is no rush. I had a similar situation in that I haven't been down to village yet. It's a combination of wanting to use my 20 to 30 minutes out in fields since I don't get that in London and also anxiety. I was planning to go this morning but I felt so tired and my mental was just completely flat. I didn't feel like even going out at all. In end I just went to the fields and back - a 19 minute walk. I was so weak I just needed to take things easy. My brain is dealing with so much change and I want to make sure I enjoy what I am doing, not make it a torture. I've made such great strides this trip but it's all catching up with me I think and just need to take things in. Let things settle. I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow but I feel no pressure. 

 

Last night again the bed depression was very intense. Again moment I was in bed straight to sleep. I think if I had panicked more it would have been awful. I could have easily sort of fell into thinking along the lines of 'I've been doing so well, but what's happening here, what's going on'. But i just let it be. It was there and very unpleasant, but I was giving it a narrative or storyline. It was just 'oh this is my bed depression'. As i say I was not feeling good at all, but the fact I wasn't panicking made a big difference. It is strange how the brain chemistry produces such unpleasant sensations that are always gone in the morning. But I'm not even thinking 'It will be ok in the morning', I'm just let it be there and looking at it from a distance. It's not a bad thing or a good thing, it is just there. That's probably why I can fall asleep quickly as I'm not in a state or flustered. Like we have discussed before how we react to our thoughts and feelings make the big difference. A good analogy is my sauna. I read this about sweating in one of Rinpoche's books and I thought this applies perfectly to me. He said we don't enjoy sweating a lot and find it really uncomfortable. But if we were told that sweating would make us better, then we would maybe even enjoy the sweating, as it would seem a good thing. This is exactly what happens with me. In my sauna I love sweating loads because I think of all those toxins leaving me and all the crap that is coming out. I come out and feel great. But if I didn't know there were any health benefits to sweating. Then putting me in that sauna for half an hour would be horrible. I would come out feeling sticky and smelly. 

 

So I have a bit of competition here regarding my cat. My brother came down on Friday and he has been giving her a lot of attention. So there is 3 in the relationship now LOL! Nah it just means the cat has no stop cuddles. When I'm having my siesta she is off to my brother and then at night when he is sleeping she is over to me! Last night when I writing to you, she was so desperate for my attention, the moment I finished typing it was straight onto the sofa!! LOL! Also today had something really cool before I came on here. Was rubbing her back and she puts her paws on my leg and stroked it. Just put her paw on my leg and then rubbed down and then she took it off and put it on another part of my leg and did the same. It was so intimate. She also put her paw firmly on my arm. It was as if she really wanted to feel my flesh. It felt like her way of showing her affection to me. I was quite moved to be honest. I think as well she is such a shy and nervous cat, it makes it more moving to have those intimate moments. It really shows you have gained her trust. My dad said when we bought the house, she wouldn't even come near us for something like 6 months!! After her abuse she is very cautious. I was talking to my brother about animal psychology and he was saying he thinks she knows we are leaving soon, I said I would ask you. I not sure how she would know, but maybe picked up some signal. He was also saying how in tsunamis all the animal run to the hills before it comes.Had you heard that? I was telling about when you saw all the horses in a single line.  Also man I think you were going to tell me about your reincarnation story of your parents cat? 

 

I haven't seen that tourettes doc but it sounds fascinating. 

 

Love you man! 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Sweet Scrat, second of third one made me think of

TRUST HIS PLANS, NOT YOUR PAIN.

WHEN ITS DARK INSIDE DONT FORGET THAT GOD HAS A PRECISE PLAN FOR YOU,

I read that yesterday, and it helped me finish the day..lovage

[gail]

London, beautiful post, inspiring as usual. Thank you for being there. Lovage to you, a lot of lovage.
Have a good voyage!

[invalidusername]

Thank you dear Sid...

 

Well timed as ever as am finding myself needing a lot of rest today and head is having a go at pulling me back into the dark depths. Like you say, there are plans, and I need to trust in them. We all do, but can be very difficult at these times. This is when we need the words...

 

"Be still and know that I'm with you

Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And colors you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am"

[invalidusername]

Well so much for a day off!! Shortly after my message to you last night, the mrs had quite a meltdown. Really bad one and I just couldn't take it. Won't go into much detail, but I am sure you can picture me trying to juggle looking after myself and playing therapist. It just got too much and I got really bad. Woke up this morning and the feeling had carried through, so not the best. Then I had an email from a client saying that I ruined their system and I need to sort things out asap Monday... why!? Can't I be left alone for one day!! So that has now got me really stressed. I have held it together as best I can, but my head is really bad - fog, dizziness and the old mental claustrophobia. That said however, my mood has still be quite stable. What will happen tomorrow I don't know, but I am proud of how I handled it all today. But not good after my long stretch of good days when I feel n borrowed time. Obviously I am so so fragile and the slightest thing could tip me over... I just need to think tomorrow is a new day - forget yesterday - that took care of itself. So again, no park, but just rest and a 20 minute walk, during which I could feel myself falling over... but I am still going!! On the plus side - no agitation whatsoever!!

 

I hope to follow in your footsteps with the meditation and so forth. Knowing that it is there when you need it and that it works is a great thing for your confidence. As I said before, my stress does get in the way, as does my agitation, but last night I did manage to get some in before I fell off to sleep. Fortunately, my K did its work and let me drift off quite peacefully despite the circumstances. 

 

So, tomorrow is the trip back home? I have been thinking of this all day and picturing you with your furry guru - soaking up all the time you can get together. And yes, she for sure knows that you are going home. She might not know exactly when, but yesm she knows. My parents cat knows when they are a short distance from home after they have been away for more than a couple of days. Even if she is asleep, she will wake up and stand at the bottom of the stairs by the front door a few moments before they arrive. It is incredible. Well, I hope you have been able to get all you had planned for the day done in terms of stroking etc! Just make sure you tell her that you will be back so she knows to expect you soon... She will understand.

 

Sorry to hear that you had a bit of a rough few hours - you were for sure right to take it easy. The end of your stay will have its impact on you regardless of anything else going on. You need to keep your energy in check for the next 24 hours. I really wanted to be able to relax today the same as you, but it was just not possible. But I have tried to reflect on just how well things have gone during the week. Nothing and no-one can take that away. It is happened and the simple fact is that I can live normally!! The same as you man... those 5 weeks have been just great in the big picture of things. Really hold onto it. 

 

The documentary is called Tourette de France and it is with Keith Allen - he is great in it and really understanding. When you get time - here is the link;

 

 

I can well understand what you mean with the sauna - all these things are in the mind of course! As we all know very well. But I don't think the same placebo would have its effect with us in terms of medication. Not a chance. This is why I am so interested in what the future holds for my homeopathic remedies. There is no way this is a product of placebo. If anything, I never expected anything to work - but the jury is still out on whether it is the remedy, or my skills - or both. Time will tell. Just hope the same can be done for the wife - but she really needs to skills part - hence the therapy. Again - time... the old chestnut.

 

Right - will leave it with you there and look forward to hearing how today has gone and the preparation for the return home. Wishing you all the very best man...

 

Love you

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL! 

 

Thank you for such nice words! 

 

Very nervous here about the voyage! 

 

You are my inspiration!! 

 

I hope you got my messages from yesterday! 

 

I love you so much! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Hey man not in a good state here but I'll try my best. Last night after my post I got hit by the worst depression I have had in months. Nothing triggered it. I was in a good mood writing to you and then an hour or so later it began to hit hard. Most unstable I have felt for a long time. Today has not been great and then just doing the packing has pushed me to the edge. I feel so anxious, disorientated and scared. Very confused and I'm not really with it. Having to remember everything and focus, along with the emotional toil on top of such a vulnerable state that I was in was too much. I struggling to think straight and I am very very uncomfortable. I feel emotionally distant but at the same time very scared - a bizarre combination. I fundamentally feel very strange. This is some pretty serious depression. At the same time underneath everything I feel fairly calm. The fact I managed to do my packing at all was impressive. I am shaking here right now with fear but it is not too severe. It was always going to be difficult to pack and adjust to leaving after 5 weeks but to have it come right when I was in a bad state was a double blow. This has been building - bad night on Wed, worse again on Thurs, worse again on Friday and then last night worse again. I went through my notes last night and this is worst I've been since the day of the Ketamine back at the beginning of June. Then there was obviously a reason for the depression, so I'm baffled here why it has come on at the end of this week. Even before the ketamine gave me a few bad days, I was doing pretty well in most of April and May. So this is really almost like going to back to March, since I've had something like this. Very confused. Obviously leaving and having to pack to added stress to the situation, but my chemistry isn't right. Coming down here is always more nerve racking for me and I didn't feel this bad the night before I came down. I was nervous and felt very tired mentally, but I wasn't in full on depression mode like today and last night. Put it like this, while the packing has made things worse, I would be struggling even if I wasn't leaving - I'm sure of this. I can the tell difference after all these years of circumstantial nerves and an random burst of depression. Last night it was clear to me that my chemistry was not right. As I say very confused since basically bar the ketamine I've been pretty good since end of March. That's 5 months! I haven't changed my medication dose or added a new supplement. This is why it is so so confusing having to live like this. If I had started something on Wednesday, like a new supplement, I would now be convinced the supplement was causing it. I would stop the supplement. But it wouldn't have been the supplement! To relapse like this isn't so much disappointing but more just immensely confusing. 

 

So man we are on some crazy synchronicity!! I even said the same as you last night, in that I was proud in how I dealt with it. Last night if it had happened a year ago would have been much much worse. It was heavy stuff I was dealing with. I felt I was loosing my sanity. I was looking at the cat but I could get no emotional reaction. It was like there was no emotional connection from me. Imagine how weird that is? 5 weeks of bonding and feeling such love for her and then last night it was a blank. It was very sad and also very uncomfortable. I was there holding here and it made me feel nothing. This mental health is just absurd. In 24 hours I can go from hugging my cat feeling so wonderful to feeling completely nothing from it. When you have this emotional cut off is very isolating. I have felt so in tough with nature this trip, so to become like this - feeling totally disconnected from everything - is such a shock. I feel like my soul has left my shell but yet I'm still conscious in my shell, if that makes sense? 

 

I getting this all of my chest here man, so I'm sorry for that, but it helps me a lot to write this down. I was very happy with my response last night, as I mentioned. Like I said, this would have been far worse had I panicked like I would done before. I generally stayed very present, and just let it be. I didn't fall into a spiral of negativity which was important. I wasn't angry and despairing more just confused. But there was a sense of pleasure in that I was thinking to myself while I was being hit hard, I'm doing really well here. So I felt this sense of achievement, despite also feeling super weird and depressed. I could feel this was an artificial state created by malfunctioning brain chemistry, while my pride was genuine. Obviously there is the shock factor as well, in that I felt pretty good pretty consistently for a while so I'm not used to feeling like this. 

 

It would be easy right now for me to get in really negative mental space over this, but I've had a really good 5 months run and particularly this 5 weeks, and that can't get taken away. At least I back in London where my p doc and therapist are so I have that support network. This the first time I've been down here that I have even thought I needed to see my p doc! Got therapist on Wednesday and also in London I'm used to feeling like this, so that will make it much easier to handle I think. I have all my protocols if you like in moments of severe difficulty in my house in London so this will feel less weird. I've been depressed long enough over the years now LOL! 

 

Man it's just this unreliability that makes things so difficult. I know you have this issue as well. I'm really sorry to hear about your problems. Sounds like you handled things really well though. I so pleased to see you say how proud you are of yourself. I know you can be quite tough on yourself so that is great to hear. That really lifted me to see that. I pleased the agitation stopped as well. Also good to hear the mood was stable as well. I will be praying for you man. 

 

Man that is incredible about your parents cat? How do she do it? Unbelievable. 

 

So I'm sorry for this man but i had to be honest. I appreciate you being there! For my mood to hugely dip and to have such bad derealisation after being so in touch with everything for the last 5 weeks it's just so weird. I am in mental pain and very scared but below it there is a solid foundation. Lets see what the next few hours bring LOL!!!!

 

I will be praying for you man! 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

PS. That helped so much to get that off my chest! It means so much to have you there man! Thank you so so much!! 

 

I'm off to the chapel and will be praying for you! 

 

I'll see you on the other side tomorrow brother!! 

 

Thanks so much again! 

 

Love you man! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

This really is strange as we are following such synchronicity somehow. I really felt your pain in the reply last night brother. I am so sorry that your break concluded with this episode. What you are saying makes a lot of sense to me - depression can take many forms, so it is what it is - regardless of the label. I am wondering whether subconsciously you are getting worked up about going back to London. It might be your bodies way of saying that it doesn't want to go home. Just like the cat, there is a part of you that could be rebelling against this action and the only way it knows how it to release it in this form of depression. Very conincidental that it would appear towards the end of the break. I don't know - just throwing thoughts in the air of how I might perceive it.

 

I know only too well how frustrating it can be not being able to put a reason to the feelings - if we know, we can obviously try to defend ourselves in the future, or become more prepared for it. We might not be able to stop these things, but it helps us to build up our little kits of things we can do. It really does sound quite nasty what has hit you, and I sincerely hope the journey back wasn't tainted by it too much. So, how do you feel now you are back in London? I know the cat is going to be a sore spot, but she is only down the road, and I am sure you will be back soon...

 

As far as my day went, I woke up feeling really uncomfortable and soon after, the level of stress that hit me was close to unbearable. The issue with the wife and then this damn client who wants me to fix stuff that isn't my doing.. but he owes be best part of £600 and I can't see that getting paid until it gets done. This is too much for me. I was broken. I couldn't even get out of bed between 11-3pm. Just after 3pm I got washed up and dressed and headed out the door to this client and made it as far as the main door and turned round and went back to the flat. My head was swimming with confusion, I couldn't hold thoughts together and felt like I would black out if I had the slightest bit of stress. I took some dramamine and rested for an hour. I then went out to see two other clients and did a shopping trip. During that time I felt so out of control, times of derealisation - I was so scared of what was going on in my head. Three hours later and I am home, fed and had a soak in the bath and feeling better. Tired, exhausted and still very much scared. My mood is not so bad as it happens, but the physical symptoms are really causing fear - not depression or anxiety... fear.

 

What you say about the change in 24 hours is just like it is. It does hit really hard and fast. That first moment of bad right after such a long spell of good really does hurt. So painful. Hope and confidence disappears and you know you have to wait for it to pass - and there is nothing you can do. Feeling souless as you say could be something to describe it. You essentially become a robot with a complete leveled emotion and just going about what it has to and nothing more. Sounds very familiar.

 

This is all a bit gloomy given the times that have fallen on us. I really hope that tomorrow brings me more comfort in the way of physical symptoms. A lot depends on the circumstances - and that is where the fear creeps in. Very difficult to tame.

 

Apologies for bring a downer to the start of the week, but I have to be honest with how things are progressing. The hypnic jerks are still in full force. I try to relax and my whole body jolts just as I switch consciousness. It is a horrible feeling. I also have leg jolts, or whole body jolts around clients and it is really disturbing when they see me having one. They look at me with it written all over their face, but they are too polite to ask, and I am worried to say for fear of what they might think of me. Had them since the Cymbalta withdrawal.  Never gone away.

 

Anyway. I am going to try to meditate now without jerking if I can. I wish I could tame them somehow. I will do more research over the next few days.

 

Look forward to hearing how it all went today man. Been praying for you today to give you strength and courage on your return home.

 

Much love dear brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi dear brother! 

 

First of all my dad showed me this quote tonight and said 'I think you'll like this'. The moment I saw it I thought of you!!

 

'We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.'  - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. 

 

I love it! 

 

 

Ok so first things first I am so so knackered. Packing this morning, then emotionally goodbye to cat, then 2 hours 35 minutes in the car, then unpack, then this evening putting up my sauna and making my bed! Add on top a massive dose of depression and that is for me one hell of a day!!! 

 

Yeah so last night after posting, I just went to the chapel and then the cat came to say hi, so spend some time with her. Luckily for me, unlike saturday night, I was able to emotionally engage with her. I not ashamed to say I started crying with her. That was actually a really nice moment because it was me connected with my feelings, and a sign of our bond. Then I went up to bed and the pre bed depression hit but this time the worse yet. Oh man it was brutal, that was a seriously tough 25 minutes or so, to put it mildly! It was mental agony. My body was feeling so many horrible sensations all at once, I couldn't tell you what was going on. But I got myself into bed and then it settled and I could think things through and be a bit more calm. I then woke feeling very depressed, so that is unusual for me. I somehow finished the packing. Then I went to say goodbye to the cat. I had seen her earlier but by now she had disappeared. I don't know why, maybe all the packing had flustered her and she wanted some quiet. I went around the garden calling her name but nothing. My dad said he had seen her going off into the undergrowth a few minutes earlier. I carried on calling her, nothing. Then just as we were about to leave, my dad said there she is. I ran over to her and came in my direction. I was cuddling her and started to cry. Again I was happy I was able to connect with my emotions. I was hard leaving her, I almost left then went back a few times. But I got to say goodbye, which was so nice. 

 

Then most of the journey was ok, I just shut my eyes and talked over everything to my parents. Just trying to make sense of things and have some perspective. The last 30 minutes of London traffic was tough though. I started to think really negatively. I should have been so proud of what I had achieved but all I could think of was how pathetic it was I couldn't even do a car journey. I was thinking about all my Lyme problems, the duloxetine problems. Started getting in self pity mode and going back to bad habits. I have had such a good 5 months, particularly the last 3 months. And of course I just done 5 weeks in the country and it went great! But my mind wasn't interested LOL! I read that our minds are like to velcro to negativity and teflon to positivity. Well this was certainly the case today. Once back the unpacking went easier than I thought. I was missing the cat by then. Then had my sleep and woke up feeling bad. Then this evening not been great and had some very nasty depression a bit earlier. Now it more just exhaustion thankfully. 

 

My brother was saying it was weird seeing me back in London, as he had been back and forth, so he couldn't imagine how I felt. He said it will take a few days for it to settle and then I said 'I can't be bothered' lol! To be fair I realised last night this is longest I have been away from London home since when I first got ill in summer 2011. So my best in 8 years. So imagine the emotions I was dealing with both consciously and unconsciously. I spend 4 weeks in hospital in 2013 but that in London, and also it was hospital so a bit different. Still I remembered on the day I was meant to be discharged, I had a massive panic attack and I to delay to leaving the next day. So there is precedent in a way for what happened I guess. My third longest was 2 1/2 weeks in Germany in 2016. So this was double that time. I was looking at my notes and since the trouble with the Ketamine at the beginning of June it been really good. So I think after 3 really good months it has been such a shock. Also I felt so 'normal' when seeing people down in the country I had almost forgotten what having such a bad episode of depression felt like. I've heard your at your most vulnerable when you have been doing well and then have blip. 

 

I definitely now think that there was some subconscious rebellion going on. Like when I left hospital, that is twice now. I think in my mind the country had been such a happy trip and I felt so fantastic - leaving confused me. It was like why am I leaving when London is where my depression world is. As in it's where all my doctors are, whereas in the country apart from skyping my therapist twice, I have had no medical appointments at all. It was a glimpse into a world where I not always seeing doctors. I think subconsciously I was trying to desperately hold on to the happiness I had down there, I couldn't bear it was over. My night depression got worse each night coming up to leaving, which backs up your theory. In a way I think I was a victim of my own success, in how well it went. I had a glimpse of a life away from doctors and of what I had been missing out on, and I wanted to hold on to that glimpse for dear life. My life has just been medical appointments for basically 7 years now, so you can imagine how it felt to have a break. It had actually occurred to me that I didn't in flesh go to a single appointment in those 5 weeks. That is crazy!! In London it's 2 or 3 a week!!! That is a massive change. I'm meant to see my osteopath for ME every 2 to 3 weeks, so I cheated a bit on that one!! Seeing her Friday though! And got therapist on Wednesday so straight back into action with 2 this week! 

 

Thanks for that man. That was really illuminating to me and explains a lot I think. Obviously as you mention leaving the cat as well. That had been worrying me at the back of mind. I was thinking how I am going to go from such regular cuddles and affection to nothing. I was worried that was going to be tough. So that adds another layer to it as well. So there is so much going on. I haven't that intimate with anything before, and every single night she would come to me. She knew I was on the night shift. I mean i literally spent 1 hour 30 minutes cuddling on the sofa one night! It hurts thinking about it but the fact I could open myself up to get close is something I wouldn't have done before. Also I will see her again and she is doing really well for her age. 2 mice in 10 minutes is good going whatever age cat I reckon!! LOL!!  

 

Sorry for all that about me man. But your words have helped so much tonight. I am so truly blessed. I am so sorry about your day. This client sounds so stressful and those physical symptoms sound so horrible. How on earth you could offer such wonderful advice to me, with all this going on is extraordinary!! I'm really so thankful for your love and time! But I'm so sorry about this fear. To do 2 clients and shopping - WOW! Man you are such a hero! Incredible! It seems like having to deal with your wife on Saturday night has hit you hard and I'm not surprised. Having to be her therapist and look after yourself must be so tough. I just hope the next few days things can calm a little. I really hope that the client issue will work itself out. Also sorry about your hypnic jerks. You have so much on your plate right now, I feel your pain so much. Having had a fairly brutal few days myself - more with depression than the physical - I feel you so much! We suffer together man! We are brothers in this life! 

 

Don't forget what a great sequence of days you had. These things are never a straight line man. It's always up and down. Like you said, nothing can take those days away. You had 2 very stressful things come up at once. I think you are making such great progress man, and I will be praying for you! 

 

Ok man falling asleep here, but do feel better so hopefully your in sync with my improvement! 

 

Thanks for your prayers man, that means so much! 

 

You know where I am man! 

 

Love you! 

 

God Bless!

[invalidusername]

Hey brother...

 

That is a fine quote - I have seen it somewhere once before, but always good to have it put back where I can see it and take note. Yes, the earth is a training and proving ground. Our home away from home if you will. It won't always be here, but the Summerland will be, and that is where we will be truly forever joyful.

 

I know just what you mean about these bad habits. It takes just the one downturn and it all goes to pieces. Why we can't be like that after one good day, and think everything is going to be good again! No way! It is just what my mind does. Goes straight to the same old mindset of seeing the world through negative lenses. It is so horrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that, but glad it evaporated into exhaustion after a while. Fortunately that is where I am now. As difficult as it is, you really need to focus on the good stuff from the last 5 weeks. You left a place full of lovely memories and you feel like you have had your legs pulled from underneath you and that the old London life is all that awaits. This is how your brain will have been working. They do this and we need to do our best to quiten them as best we can.

 

As you know I had another seizure today. The situation with the wife got really bad and I just couldn't take any more. She was speaking so negatively - not a positive word since Sunday. When I woke up, she started again and I was asking her to stop as I knew it was really getting to me. Within minutes, I had reached my maximum and the fear got to me and the shaking - hence the seizure. Of course, she couldn't deal with it, so called out an ambulance. They arrived within minutes and pumped me full of valium and stabalised my breathing until it passed. Took about half an hour and it was unbearable. I then had to rest for a couple of hours as it left me exhausted. There is a plus side however. The medic recognised me and asked to see my old paperwork. There.. he said... 18th September last year... I was here for the same thing... haven't you been seen yet? Of course not! Then there was nothing I could do to stop him - he called the mental health team and went right off on one. Do you know how much strain you people are putting on the ambulance service, he said... I was here with this man a year ago for the same problems!! Next thing I know, I am starting therapy in 48 hours!!

 

This calmed me a bit, but the rest of the day was tainted with a very bad aftertaste of having my first seizure in months. I thought they had gone, but alas, no. I really need to see if I can have a word with the wife's therapist as this cannot go on...

 

You know, I thought you had a second sauna down at the second home! Didn't realise it was a flat pack mobile job! Man, what a hassle! And as for the cat, they understand crying more than humans. I bet she gave you so much more of a fuss at that time didn't she?? I think she thought it best not to be around you when you left, but picked up on your feelings that you had to see her before you left, otherwise it would have been more painful - hence her last minute showing. I know people reading this will scoff at what I write, but after reading the various books, I believe every word. Our minds get cluttered up with so much inconsequential rubbish that we are no longer in tune with our second senses, whereas cats are. 

 

Speaking of which, my reincarnation story - I forgot. So, 18 months ago, my parents elder cat (only 6 years) came down with kidney issues and as much as we tried, she could not be saved and had to be put down. She was a lovely cat and she was a very distinct black, with chocolate brown colour closer to her body. She also had this very small streak of white under her chin. She kept our other cat company and he has never gone near another cat - he is soooo scared, but he loved her and they went everywhere together. So... around a year later, a cat turned up at the back door, scratching to come in. No-one knew where she came from or had seen her before. We let her in and our other cat ran straight up to this one and starting making a fuss. Then they both went our the back door and wandered off together. Amazing by itself. This carried on every day. At 7am, this cat would be at the back door, and the two of them went off together. Now the other bit was when we got closer to this cat, she was black... with chocolate brown... and yes.. a little white streak under her chin! This carried on for about 3 weeks and then she disappeared not to be seen again. 

 

I will leave you with that and see what you think. Let me know how things turned out for you today man.

 

Much much love and light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY MAN!!!! I have been praying so much for this moment of you to get your therapy! I am so happy! When I read that it was like Christmas!!!! Oh man this is such great news! I am so sorry that in the process you had to suffer so much though! I am so sorry about your seizure! Tonight I asked both my parents to pray for you! Having gone 4 months without one of course you must be gutted, but I think the positive is that you did managed to go 4 months without one! Nothing is ever a straight line and from time to time we will dip. I think now it's how you react. I think you have been doing great. The herbal stuff has been really helping it seems. Also your mind work has been amazing. Honestly man, I have seen such a change in how you approach difficult situations and just in general. You wife is having a tough time and this must be so difficult, but at least she in therapy. Having gone without therapy from 2013 to start of this year, I can tell you it is seriously hard to make that first step! The first time I started therapy was through being hospitalised. So to do it voluntary is serious big! Change doesn't happen overnight, but this is a really positive step for her. Often therapy brings up a lot of stuff, and for a while it might make things worse. Bringing all these thoughts and worries to the surface and having to face them and talk about them. But in the long run it does make a big difference, well for me it certainly did. I know you are starting therapy!!! This week!! 

 

Honestly you are such a hero, to even think of me, let alone send that encouragement was amazing of you. It meant so much! I always say it but just in awe of you! What life has given you to deal with and how you handle it with such grace and dignity! As I said before you are my hero! What you have to deal with and your bravery in that is just something incredible. Do you think I could get an autography in the post man?? LOL. Seriously though you are my inspiration. I really hope you know that you are an unbelievable strong and special person. The best of humanity. And here I am getting to be friends with you!! I am so lucky! I look up so much to you! You are extraordinary! 

 

So I had crashed out last night after posting and the night depression was bad, but much better than it had been the previous night, which was a massive relief! Funny how it got worse and worse leading up to leaving and then first night back it started to reduce. Definitely subconscious stuff going on, and expressing itself in depression as you mentioned. I slept for 9 hours 40 minutes and it was a great sleep. Then out on a 12 minute walk just up to the high street and back. Felt weird to be walking on pavement and flat land. No sheep as well, which was a pity LOL! I must admit I was actually quite nervous as in the country I never saw anybody. But I came through it fine. Then after my siesta I was feeling not great but after a few hours it died down. I feel much better than last night at this point. So things seem to be settling. While my positivity and mental practices seemed to desert me on Monday, from last night I have been working really hard and got back in a good rhythm. 

 

I've got to get up early (for me) as I have therapy tomorrow. Not much to talk about with her really LOL! I don't know where to start. Looking forward to that. I hope tomorrow is a good day for you! I will be thinking and praying! Sending my love down south! 

 

Man what a story!! That is incredible! Thank you so much for sharing that! You really have had some amazing spiritual moments in your life! 

 

You know where I am man!! 

 

I love you so much! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Yes - tomorrow is the long awaited day... there won't be too much to report back I doubt tomorrow as the first 4 weeks are realy all about an assessment to see where I need to be ideally placed in terms of therapy - whether is it CBT, EMDR, psychoanalytical etc. Apparently I will be given tasks to do during the week and I need to report back on what occurs. To be honest it is most likely stuff I have done in the past with other therapists, but I need to go through it all the same. But the main thing is that I should be getting something every week which is what I really need. 

 

Today has been fair to middling. A few niggles of depression and stress coming in as a result of the last couple of days, but I carried on with my day regardless. Most of it was what you have often referred to as feeling very emotionally flat. I was working on the car and thinking "why aren't you enjoying yourself...?". A dopamine thing by the sounds - no reward centres or pleasure circuits working. The stress was must better though. Just hope I can hold it through tomorrow - busy day with both the mrs and myself having therapy, and then work AND shopping on top of that. Deep breaths!!

 

It is very kind of you to say these words of inspiration. It is difficult of me to think this way as I feel I am only doing when anyone else would in my situation, but I guess not all would... just like I have told you. It doesn't matter where you come from, how well connected you are, how much money you have, how clever you are, when it is all stripped away by mental health, it can bring you to your knees. It is like Epstein... I have no question that he should have been in prison for all that he did, but having gone from a private island in Barbados to a cramped cockroach infested cell for 18 hours a day, brings even the once most successful people on the earth to take their lives. It just shows you how much our spirits can be taken away by these things. Our own mind can become these prisons and I wish people would just realise. 

 

Very glad that your depression improved yesterday, and I really do think it was all a situation of your return home. I am sure if you seek it out, you would have been very anxious about returning home. Once the task was done and you realised it wasn't so much to fear, it has lifted a bit. You might get something of an aftershock though, so if in a day or two you get something similar, I reckon this is what it will be. So do your best to ride it out as we know it will pass. And glad you didn't run into any sheep in the West-end of London - that would have been amazing! Maybe you could convince your parents to have some in the back garden?!

 

So did you find much to talk about in therapy? I am sure you will have done after being away for so long. Did you proffer any ideas on the depression from the last couple of days? Is it talking therapy you have? CBT or another? There are a lot of things that I want to talk with the therapist tomorrow. They are also again talking about changing my meds, but I am not having any of that. I have finally got to a point where my physical symptoms can almost be managed. It'll be a cold day in hell before I let them pump me full of pills again. Besides, it is no good changing pills whilst starting therapy as you will have no idea of what is causing what. I am at a place where that side is relatively stable, so anything that happens can be blamed on life circumstances, which is what the therapy is supposed to help with. But no good looking back on the past now. It's happened. We should never go through life looking in the rear-view mirror! 

 

Well... let's see what happens with our respective therapists! Onwards and upwards... hopefully!!

 

Love you man...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! So flat here! Exactly like you yet again! Just nothing is exciting me or giving me pleasure! My life feels devoid of texture! Yet again were on same wavelength!! I haven't read for quite a while with all the goings on, so hoping a good reading session tonight should get my brain going again! Been a good few days without reading and boy have i missed it! And yet I did 7 years without it! I just feel really lethargic and unmotivated. A of bit daze. But a boring daze! 

 

So tomorrow is the big day! Wow! Man I'm so happy! I know it will take a while to settle and know what route you are taking but still so exciting to have things in motion and getting started! It feels like a new chapter! A long day by the sounds of it - so just keep calm and take things in your stride! Don't fight it just float! I will be praying for you man! I couldn't believe it when I heard last night was so happy and excited for you! Such a relief as well! Be kind to yourself tomorrow man, as you saw it takes time to sort these things out but just great to be starting! 

 

I wish I had more words to express my admiration! You really should know what extraordinary things you have achieved! You are something special and I really hope you know that! Depression is just unbelievably tough to face. For me personally the worst and toughest thing I have had to endure. The last 2 years for you has been crazy. As the therapist the worst in 18 years she has seen. But that shows your strength and courage. Here you are after all that and you are full of love! They say you shouldn't meet you heroes but it's worked out well for me!! 

 

Yeah I have talking therapy - CBT. I had so much to talk about didn't really know where to start and then it was the end of the session. Hadn't spoke for about 2 weeks and a lot had happened in that time. I wasn't anxious but just didn't really have time to go into things in detail, so just left me a bit flat. She said a lot of people feeling awful at the end of holidays and then i said my reaction would have been exaggerated compared to most people because of my depression. So I does make sense. But still taken a back by the brutality of it. Still just recovering and trying find that spark that was there before. Especially in regards to my spiritual studies. I'm sure having all the journeys and packing that has stopped me reading hasn't helped. I need ideas or I get so depressed. I need intellectual stimulation. Hopefully I can get that buzz back for my studies, I certainly have a lot to read. I am much more stable now though, which is good. Got in another walk today after therapy - 16m so 4 mins more than yesterday. Again no sheep!!! Was gutted! LOL!! I'm finding the humans staring at their phones much more boring to watch LOL!! I can't go around hugging trees as well, or I'll get arrested LOL!!  Had a nice little session of walking meditation in the garden which was great. Was praying for you out there!! 

 

So a massive good luck for the therapy and your wife's as well, plus that work and shopping. I will be thinking of you! I will be praying and my parents are as well! My dad told me tonight he dedicated his night prayers last night to you and Gail! 

 

Love you so much man!! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

My dear brother... I follow in your footsteps tonight in settling down for a good reading session as I have too neglected of late. It is not good for the soul to not be reading as regularly as we both are used to. I find it more and more difficult to unwind. Can't even begin to image the 7 years you had... but there's no going back right?!

 

To fill you in on my day. I don't even think anyone would believe it, but... I was a bit anxious as you can imagine so I left with good time only to find some selfish b*stard had blocked my car into its space!! I tried to move and ended up putting a massive scratch along my front bumper. I was furious! I was running around trying to find the owner, but nothing... so I had to make my own way to the mental health centre and was 35 minutes late of course. I was in such a state both physically and mentally. I was in for an hour and quite disappointed to be brutally honest. She was talking about starting to meditate; I already meditate. To get myself into a working routine; I already work routinely. To take time out to do hobbies and time for myself; I already do my art, my car, my reading. So what's the problem then she asked?! Well that's your job you stupid bint!! I suffer from severe stress and nasty bouts of depression IN SPITE of all that. If I knew the answer I wouldn't damn well be there!! Arrghhh! I really did try to float as you said - and through the session, my anxiety was helped in the floating. Maybe things will get better as they go on. We'll see...

 

Anyway. Went home disappointed and still angry. Then.. no word of a lie, as I was approaching my flat, there was a guy getting into the very car that was blocking me in!! I don't mind telling you, I went absolutely sparco at him. And in fairness to him, seeing a 6'4" bloke with tattoos running at him shouting wasn't what he would have expected. He ran away!!! I stopping him and told him exactly what I thought of him. I was so close to hitting him, but something in me prevented it. He could see how angry it made me and he knew he had done it without forethought of my wellbeing and that is what got me so angry. Anyway. Goodness knows how I didn't get carried away. 

 

So plenty of emotion flying about today, and I don't like my character when I am like this. It will be gone by the morning though. I hope that you managed to find some pleasure in some activity today - maybe the reading. It can be so disheartening when you have it in your grasp and then only to loose it. It makes you wonder how you managed to find pleasure in the first place. How can it just disappear like that!? Brains are such funny things.

 

I am glad your therapist felt the same way about the holiday, and you are right - it will of course be exaggerated for you. You are so sensitive, so it would follow that this would occur. Finding that spark is what it is about now. You have been liberated so this time, a new environment, become accustomed to a different way of life... and become soul mate with a cat (!)... it will have been the rug taken from under your feet brother. I would argue if you had only been gone 4-5 days, it wouldn't have been this way, but I'm sure we can both agree that this was a good thing, right? Each subsequent visit should be easier as well. I was actually speaking about this at the end of my session today. That I had a friend in London who really helps me and how amazing it would be to visit, but the very though of having to navigate London traffic, or sit on a train... and then tackle the tube... my goodness! This is why the West country makes much more sense. You can pick and choose clear roads to get there. The worst part for me is the unknown - of getting stuck. I can't stand that. She told me that she can work with me on that...

 

Thank you for my garden prayers today - and indeed for those said for my therapy today. Despite what happened, I got through it all. Had someone have told me in advance what was about to happen, I would have been in pieces! But no knowing helps in so much that I knew I just had to deal with it. I don't give myself credit. But I still find it so difficult to cope with these things that life throws at me. I can see changes coming up which will allow me to tolerate such things. But I have also decided that I will reward myself with books, or parts for the car whenever something like today happens and I get through it. Straight from therapy and nearly hitting this bloke, I then had to take the wife straight to her therapy, then see two clients before I had 30 mins to recover. Then another two clients and shopping trip to get home just before 9pm! So yes, I am going to buy myself something. It may not gie me immediate pleasure in this moment, but it will stand to remind me - not of the sh*t day I've had, but the fact that I got through it.

 

My prayers continue for your good self, and that you regain your confidence in your alter London life and that you can see yourself returning to your second home and look forward to it. Prayers are obviously with our Gail for her time in recovery, and our dear Hat for his own recovery from experimental drug reduction. My family here is so important and I am thankful every day that I can return and know you are all there. As always, I am awaiting the latest from you brother...

 

So much love for you...

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man - oh wow life really is testing you at the moment! For that to happen on today of all days! But a massive pat on the back for how you handled it!! That is amazing! I was reading thinking oh my word what a day for you and THEN you say you had to take your wife to therapy THEN 2 clients THEN another 2 clients THEN shopping! Unbelievable!! You are superhuman! Your mental strength and bravery is on another level brother!! I couldn't believe what i was reading! Astonishing! And a little treat seems the least you deserve for such an incredible achievement! You've had all this stress the last few days and you just seem to bounce back every time! If you have got through this week mate I think you can do anything! So so so proud of you! I really hope you can show some self love and reflect on your achievements! What you have done this week is a sign of a soul and heart of true and epic courage! If you want to see courage you won't see a better example of it than what you have achieved this week! Out of words here brother! MASSIVE CONGRATS!!!! 

 

Sorry that the session was a bit flat and underwhelming. It does take time with a therapist and for you both to gain a bit of understanding of each other. Took me a good while to get some progress going with my current therapist. Even now sessions do differ a lot. Sometimes I come away feeling unsatisfied. Like yesterday for example, I was really flat afterwards. This was despite the session before on skype being amazing! Sometimes I'll say to my mum 'they don't get it', but then others 'That was incredible'. At least she is open to meditation - that is great and means she will support that part of your life. When you said you mentioned coming up to London I immediately had a look at train times, thinking i would quite fancy a trip to the seaside! Not bad times to be fair! No stops from St Pancras, direct train! So something to look forward too for sure! 

 

Managed to get some reading in last night - about 1 hour 50 minutes or something - nearly 40 pages - so that was decent seeing as I had read at all since Saturday night. Must admit was still very flat today. I went on my walk and was just so bored! I mean compared to the middle of the West Country and sheep and cows and forests and hills, lots of concrete is pretty unexciting! My sister suggested going to some parks so might consider that. Would be a good thing to work towards with my therapist. She was keen for me to transfer what I did in the country to London as much as possible. Also was thinking of my cat today, wondering how she was getting on and what she was up to. At least she has our friends who visit her everyday. I saw this dog today and thought I so want a dog. But it's just too much effort for me at the moment. To much pressure. Also I'm not well enough yet to go around dog shelters and all that. It's annoying, as I would love one. I feel such a bond with my cat I don't really feel like getting another one, but I was thinking about it. Would been much easier to look after than a dog. Would have to come up with someone to look after it when we are away though! On my walk on Tuesday I saw a cat looking at me through the window of a house and it looked very similar to my cat! I wanted to stroke it but breaking in to house wouldn't have been a good idea LOL! 

 

Yeah man I'm definitely happy I went for 5 weeks. Just to overcome that mental barrier of fear of leaving home. To be away for the longest since 2011. For my mum and dad to get a proper summer break. So to be able to settle there first and then see people once settled. To have all those walks and mystical moments. In time I will realise what a great achievement it was. It was massive for me. But now it's a bit of an anti climax. So need to start experimenting with things in London. If I could go to my aunts no reason why I can't visit some place in London. I'm just going to give myself some time to settle and then we'll come up with some new exposures. Obviously I'm very limited by my physical condition. Also I really want to get immersed in my studies now. Want to put some really healthy reading times under my belt. The cat did mean I read less, so at least one advantage is to get back to some proper studies. I did enjoy reading a lot last night, so that is at least one thing I enjoyed! 

 

Again so very proud of you! You are doing so so well! We're both growing all the time man! 

 

Love you so much

 

God Bless