2348 replies to this topic

[gail]

Scrat, last Monday, I went with my brother to look for the perfect cat for me.

And I found one, his name is the same as London. Chin chin. It changes a life, I'm telling you. For the better. Thank you for your posts, I learn a !of, and see myself in many posts.
I love you Scrattage, much lovage.

London, what does it mean when you say : SORT OF FEEL LIKE WANTING OBLIVION? And I also loved:LOOKING BACK ON YOUR DAY, LIST THE THINGS YOU WERE PROUD TO A ACHIEVE. Plus more my dear London. Thank you so much for this. I love you!

[invalidusername]

Gailage... I do miss having a cat around, but I cannot have one where I am at the moment because of my landlady's cats - as we share part of the building - the cats do too... but I at least get to see her cats from time to time!

 

Glad that you are finding our posts here helpful. It is nice when you can see yourself in the things that other people write. More to come this evening!!

 

Love you like a cat!!

[invalidusername]

We seem to always be going through the very same thing between us! I have done exactly the same in slipping back into my old way of thinking. I have also decided I would much prefer to have my depression at night than in the morning as you can sleep it off at night, whereas I just cannot find any motivation in the morning and on a bad day, that can go on and on. I am very fortunate that I no longer have sleep issues aside from waking up too early some days.

 

I think it is wise for you to work out what you can and can't do with your current way of things. That way you are better at not judging things - like I do - and do not add to your depression. It doesn't help that I can't always meditate in the morning either - depending on how my head it and how crazy my thoughts are.

 

Today was a very strange one. My depression lingered all through the evening last night - not bad, but no motivation and it was really worrying me. As soon as I woke, there it was. Zero motivation - within minutes I had just given up. I can't tell you how nasty it was. I have never had this feeling before. I just resigned to having no life and just staying in bed 24/7. I was convinced that this was it. I just didn't care. I decided to stop my homeopathic remedies as of last night as I didn't like what was happening. And I always seem to get 10 days on something new before the result hits - and it was exactly 10 days after I started that the no-motivation depression hit. 

 

Anyway. The next bit. After 4 hours of this, I suddenly had this massive weight just disappear into the air. In seconds! The relief I felt was amazing!! How was this possible?! Obviously I thought it wouldn't last, but I waited 30 seconds, 1 minute, 10 minutes.... 1 hour and it didn't come back. Still fragile, but I am just so glad that this sort of thing can happen! The true test will be in the morning, but if things remain better, then I am thinking this remedy didn't want to help me... Sometimes people do not understand just how sensitive my system is...

 

And back to trees... there is one of the oldest oak trees in the UK close to where I live and it is lovely just to be near it. There is another which was struck by lightening and is hollowed out in the middle and you can stand in the middle surrounded by the massive trunk. Its great!

 

The cats part you are sort of right! I bought a book for my parents last Christmas about psychic pets and borrowed it for a read myself! It is a very compelling argument they put across and well evidenced. I do not think it is a coincidence that animals do what they do. The last cat my parents had which passed away last year was with me during the first year of my relapse so there was plenty of upset - and he would show up as soon as I was feeling low. When I would cry, he would just come from wherever he was, get on my lap and just rub his face all over mine like he was drying my tears. 

 

Right. I need to get some acceptance working here. Accept that the morning will not be perfect, but remember that even when things are the lowest they can ever be that it can change within seconds! That really does baffle me, and it really screws my confidence, but right here in the now, I am just being happy for having such a better day than I thought I would have and have it proven to me that things do work themselves out.

 

Look forward to hearing from you brother - and give your cat a good rub down from me!

 

Much love to you

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ah man I'm really sorry that you had such a bad morning but equally delighted it just lifted out of nowhere, and that the rest of your day was then good! I think that is so encouraging that you can within seconds feel so much better, it shows that your brain has it in it, and that even in your darkest moments you know things could suddenly turn better. It shows things will work themselves out for you, as you say! Will go the the chapel to pray for your morning after this post.

 

Yeah it's better having depression at night in my personal experience of both. Obviously would rather not have either!! I have had different types of morning depression it is just awful. In my psychotic depression the moment I became conscious in the morning the negative thoughts started away. The thoughts were so bad I had to jump out of bed and do things to distract myself. I couldn't lie in bed for even 5 minutes after waking up. It was why I first found it strange when I read of people who were depressed staying in bed. My experience was the opposite I just couldn't lie there with the thoughts. For years after I would wake feeling terrified with the trauma of those psychotic depression days. I have also had what you say about just wanting to be in bed 24/7 and that's it. Man just thinking back to those psychotic depression days is so uncomfortable!

 

Ah man in the field opposite here we have a hollowed out tree - this huge old oak! It is incredible. When I was younger used to climb it! The sheep like to rest under it. Today there was an amazing rainbow when I went into the field. I was chatting with my brother, so I couldn't reach a state of transcendence - but it was an awesome sight. Plus the pink sky and the post rain freshness. Still so far when out of the house I have seen only 2 people - both in the distance, plus the odd car. I've been here for over 2 weeks now!!! Imagine! Yeah it was crazy the first time I was depressed with my cat because I was showing no outward signs of being sad. A human wouldn't have noticed, unless they were very emotionally intelligent or were family and yet she seemed to tell and put her paw on my leg for ages! Was beautiful! No more mice today so far!! 

 

I had a good exposure today as saw my aunt who lives 20 minutes away. She came over and we chatted for almost 3 hours! She brought her dog which was very sweet, a Lurcher. Do like dogs? I hadn't seem her since 2014 i think, and I was so nervous last night. But it went really well. I think being here is such an exposure in itself that then seeing someone I haven't for ages made it more nerve racking that back in London. Must say it was good for my confidence how I came through it. 

 

As I mentioned will be praying brother! 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail thank you for such lovely words!!! 

 

By saying I sort of wanted oblivion I meant wanting to be unconscious - like being under anaesthetic for example. Or just being fast asleep!! 

 

God Bless you Saint Gail!! 

 

Love you!!

[gail]

Scrat, just nearly incredible that you had that moment of being free from depression and anxiety. God's way of saying that he has not forgotten you after all those tribulations.

I'm happy that you could live such a divine moment. I've had a few of them, it was mind boggling. God moves in mysterious ways. I love you and am so happy, whatever the turn out today. So much lovage for you Scrattage.

I still have those awkward moments nearly every day, this morning was a Lulu. And I have chin chin following every steps I take. This is not appreciated in that state of mind...

[invalidusername]

It was an amazing moment when it happened yesterday. 

 

I do think I am suffering the "trauma" of the mental health meeting last week. It can take 2-3 days after the event itself to catch up and make you feel this way. 

 

I am still going through a bit this morning. I woke to lots of work emails which bought on my anxiety quite bad, and that then triggered depression. It would seem that I am extremely emotionally sensitive - that the smallest thing can trigger depression and/or anxiety. I need to de-sensitise somehow.

 

So you now have a cat?! What is a Lulu??

 

Much love to you my dear Gailage

[invalidusername]

I had some therapy today!! Cat therapy!! I went after work and saw him. He had just got in from being outside in the rain all day so he was soaking!! He was rubbing his face all over me and was lovely...

 

So what you said about the thoughts being so bad that you couldn't stay in bed, I have had as well. The thing I have not mentioned that often slips my mind, is that my flat does not have a living room - just a very big bedroom, so when I am at home, I am either sitting on the bed or at my desk, but the bed faces the window which is much nicer. This is far from ideal as the bed should be sacred for sleep and meditation, so the bed therefore doesn't get the credit it is due in this respect. We do need to find another place, but can you imagine trying to move and deal with mortgages and so forth while we are both going thru it!!?

 

I woke to feeling medium low, but did lots of thought control practise. Sort of a meditation where I will let myself think what I will, but when it gets negative, tune into my breathing. Sort of filtering. I found that I started to think normal things more easily eventually. It will take a lot of effort, but I just need to keep going. No problem getting out for work and overall a good day relative to last week. As I said, I think I am very emotionally sensitive because of the damn meeting last week. 

 

Ahhh - post rain atmospheres are fantastic. Especially when you do not have people and traffic getting in the way. I would be so spoiled there! I really would have a hard time leaving. And your exposure - well done mate! True enough, you are already through the looking glass by being down there, but don't sell yourself short - this is great stuff you are doing. Natural that you would be nervous, but you did it - you stared it down. Compounded exposures! This is great achievement. Just be mindful of your limits though - don't push yourself. You will know when this is and we want to have all these lovely memories to keep you coming back down there from London. 

 

Thank you so much for my prayers - I think a chapel room is a lovely idea. A sacred space purely for that one purpose. I tend to pray when I am making meals, showering, driving as well as last thing at night or first thing in the morning. More of a little and often so I maintain my train of thought. 

 

Time for a bit of light reading I think now to take me away from the screen for a while. 

 

Much love and light my brave brother!

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Oh forgot the dog question! I am not so much of a dog person as I am a cat person, but I did have one dog, which was a Tibetan Terrier - small, short, hairy - not much bigger than a stocky cat! But wasn't a smelly thing. I used to bath her regularly, brush her and so forth. Very quiet and small enough to sit on your lap. Might consider another one, but only if it got along with the cats as well!

 

She was a rescue doggie from a nasty owner and I saw her whilst looking for cats, but the rescue lady said the cats had got used to her home as they had been there quite a while, so I opted for the dog!

[LDN]

Yeah I'm considering getting a dog or a cat for London home. The issue is am I up to it physically for the demands of a dog at the moment? I love my cat down here, but it is at times very intense. She follows me everywhere a lot of the time and likes to be rubbed SO hard!! I'll be about to start some reading and then she'll pop up and next thing I know i have been rubbing for 40 minutes! It is addictive rubbing her, especially as she is so communicational. Yesterday she gave me 2 hi 5s!! She was also hold my hand with one paw in my hand and her other paw on top of it! My dad said cats normally hate having there paws touched so weird she likes holding hands - but amazingly cute!! She knows I'm on the night shift so every night it's hard to get some reading done!! Also I can't have her on my lap, as that what caused the allergic reaction. So I can't read and just have her on my lap. If only I didn't sleep so much I would have more time for balancing these things. I love rubbing her but then I also love reading - so I'm being pulled in two directions - plus I have all my treatments to do. 

 

Happy today was a bit better. I find that a very plausible scenario, that you are still recovering from the trauma of that meeting. I know this was a completely different scenario but it took me a good few days to feel back to 'normal' after the post ketamine depression. Trauma completely shakes us and leaves us in such a state of fear which then creates stress. I think there are studies that show that high cortisol levels caused by stress can lead to depression. I think all that intense stress from last week will take time to settle. In terms of you being very emotional sensitive, this would be an inevitable consequence of such a tough and stressful last 2 years. I certainly in the first few years of my life after I was first depressed was incredibly emotional sensitive and the smallest things would leave me a wreck. But over time I have picked up tools and you will be the same. I had to just let my body and brain come to terms with the new situation I was faced with. You already doing great stuff like your thought control practice, and stuff like that better and better over time. Soon you will find you have a whole tool box at hand!! 

 

Yeah I know those post rain atmospheres are great, especially in a middle of field with my friends the sheep. I did today see another human in the far distance down the road! Those white fluffy things were picked up in the wind today and were all flying around - it made me think of you. I still feeling demotivated at times and just low on energy and enthusiasm, but it definitely could be worse. I'm becoming more accepting of feeling demotivated and just letting it be. Something to keep working on!

 

Happy you could get some cat therapy - brilliant!! Just had a look up Tibetan Terriers, they look really sweet. My aunt's Lurcher was so calm and quiet, I thought it would be a bit more animated. 

 

I pray before bed and before my siesta, and then also when I am going on my walks. Like you generally moments throughout the day. The chapel is really lovely. I love the Jesus icon, now that I know it was smuggled out of Russia. Would love to know it's full history! It's powerful to know that it came from a place where religion was banned, but yet Jesus was still there! 

 

Love you brother 

 

God Bless

[gail]

Hello my dear Scrat, a Lulu is a hard moment to go through.

96% of the time, I wake up and feel so bad inside, sort of like a panic attack. I cry so much every morning, take the pills, read you two beloved friends and like 20-25 minutes after, it's gone.

I keep asking God to die, as it is so hard to live, so hard. So yesterday and today , Lulu's..

This has been going on for such a long time, like November till now. During the day, if I feel it coming, other meds and siesta. The hardest thing that I had to live with. I now call it a panic attack!. Those 20-25 minutes seem like hours. Am so tired afterwards.
You'd think that I have gotten used to this, well, no, I haven't.

Anyone with tricks, I'm listening. Thank you! I love you two lovely birds!

[invalidusername]

Good morning dear Gailage.

 

I really feel for you as I also have these moments, except that I do not cry. For me it is knowing that I have to face another day not knowing what is going to happen with my mood. It just feels so out of control. I would love to know what to do to get rid of how I feel, but it is my thinking. I judge myself too much. August is very quiet for work, so I am in bed too much of the time with no motivation telling myself that I am wasting my life. This makes me more depressed, so more unmotivated... and goes in a circle.

 

It upsets me to see you like this and I wish I could do more, but I will pray for you now... and continue to do so, to ask for strength during these moments you have. 

 

Love you so much, dear Gail.

[invalidusername]

To be honest, a dog - depending on size - can be quite a demand for walks and exercise... plus vets. In my experience, dogs can be more of a drain on vets bills than a cat. Cats tend to watch out for themselves! I am sure you would be fine with a cat - perhaps a shorter hair to minimise allergies. But careful with Siamese as they can have quite a temper on them!! Maybe a scottish fold? They have lovely mannerisms, do noy shed much fur and don't need much exercise due to shorter legs!!

 

And the paw thing - I think in general this is correct, although I tried it out with my parents cat and he didn't care either. I think it varies from cat and person. 

 

Today hasn't been too bad. I woke and my thought practise went well, but after 3 hours after I woke, it all started setting in... again, I cannot get round this image of me sat in bed when I feel I should be doing something. It doesn't help matters that I don't start working until much later in the day. I am sure it would be different if I started earlier, but I can't change that. After my first client I then did an exposure!! I had to send a couple of parcels, which my parents would often do for me as they go every week, but I did it myself! Admitedly, there were only 2 other people when I got there, but I had already braced myself for more of a queue. 

 

The issue I then had was that I felt no benefit from it. Before my depression stuff, I would feel proud, but my head was saying "yeah - big deal." It is like a constant case of the blahs. It is not that bad, but I did a bit of work on the car, a big food shop, and tried a bit of art, yet I still feel very little, if anything. My head says to do this stuff, but I get nothing from it. No reward. Typically this would be a dopamine thing which is what I have always worried about having been on antidepressants for so long as it can deplete dopa production. But that said, not so long back I had a month of zero depression... 

 

You for sure have the right attitude towards it - just let it be. There is no sense in fighting it or analysing it. It is what it is. Because we both have a lot of time on our hands at the moment (you for obviously a lot longer), it can create boredom which breeds apathy. It makes sense on this level. I just wish I could do something about it. This has always been my problem. I am a fixer. I need to let these things go once in a while. 

 

Until a month ago, I could get to around 6pm and if I would feel good, then I was set for the rest of the day and I could relax. Problem now is that I cannot do that as this depression can creep back in as and when it likes. Puts me on alert all the time, and it is this that brings me down. I just want to rest man! I need a few hours when I know I can be free without worrying about it returning. 

 

The wife is now on day 2 of no Lexapro. I got her to do a very gradual taper from 10mg over 5 months. She has got quite a bad case of the brain zaps, so we have broken out the apple cider vinegar and omega 3, and a few stomach issues, but that is it so far. Will see how the next few days go....

 

Time for a bit of meditation I think to calm the thoughts if I can...

 

Much love and light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Happy the day was ok but sorry about this flat feeling. I do have that a lot but also have moments of transcendence - so it swings. The flat and emptiness comes and goes - but it is regular. It's not nice at all but generally i find reading helps with this a lot. To lose my self in a book, to stimulate myself, to challenge myself intellectually. 

 

I think the thing for me is I have been mentally ill and disabled for longer than you, so I have had longer to work on acceptance. All my adult life I have been severely ill so it's all I know as an adult. Having to face things like not reading for 7 years means now that reading is still such a novelty. So I have really god examples to remind myself when my patience feels tested. I also think that as even without depression and anxiety I would still be unable to do much, so that takes the spotlight of the mental health stuff. For you the spotlight is just on that, so it always your focus. Whereas for me I can be like well even if my mental health was great i wouldn't be doing much different. Having all these different conditions to worry about means I end up being like 'oh man I have got the energy for all this, I don't know where to start'. Since I don't know where to start with the worries, I then just don't bother at all. So I think I'm quite lucky in that respect. Though I wouldn't wish Lyme and brain injury on you of course, I do think the worse things are the easier to let go. Also I don't face that sort of feeling like I should be doing more that you feel because I have my illness as an excuse. Everybody with ME and Lyme just stay at home all the time, so I am behaving normally for my condition. Do you know what I mean? 

 

Also because I'm limited in brain capacity I don't ever feel bored because I'm pushing my brain to the limit everyday. So I actually feel like I live quite a busy life, even though to the average person it would be very empty. So I really feel for you having the mental health stuff on its own, as it becomes this THE issue you face and it's hard to get perspective. Also you have been well as an adult, which I haven't, so you have much more to compare things to. So I really have great admiration for you, with having to face your struggles in your context. Saying that, on paper my situation is pretty terrible so the fact I can re-contextualise it in such a positive way shows you will you can turn negatives into positives. I'm sure with time you will be able to do the same as me and see your situation in some positive perspective. 

 

I think what is working for me a lot at the moment is the not evaluating my feelings as good or bad. So like now for example I feel pretty depressed and apathetic. But rather than think 'this is bad' I'm thinking 'this just is'. I know it will pass, but I'm not even thinking of that. I'm letting it sit me and not trying to create a narrative out of it. It's just there, but no judgement. Sure I still feel not great, but I would be feeling much worse if I was thinking 'why am I feeling bad? What's going on?'. Then that would just feed the depression. 

 

I see so much of my self a few years ago with how you think. I used to concentrate so much on my symptoms and try and analyse every detail of what could have helped caused things. This approach caused me so much stress. It's only very recently that I have reached this state now of non-attachment to how I feel. So if I can do it, you definitely can. In my opinion the biggest thing is getting to this state. When can feel at peace with your situation and acceptance, it almost short circuits the negative feelings. They are there, but they don't dominate the mind. I really feel you'll get there but I just had that longer time to work on it since I have been ill that bit longer. The thing to also remind yourself is just because your reward function of the brain isn't working much at the moment, it doesn't mean you aren't doing massive achievements. You still meditate. You still do your art. You still go to work. You still come on here and help so many people with your wisdom and knowledge. You still look after your wife. You still do the shopping. You still do exposures like today going to the post office. Do you see what I'm saying? A lot of people struggling with depression like you have wouldn't be doing all that stuff. So from my viewpoint your doing absolutely brilliantly at the moment. All the stuff you can control you are doing, and that is all we can do. You can't control your mood but you can your response and your response has been to my mind super brave! You are looking at things through your depression, which is making you feel down about your life, when in fact you should be feeling proud because of how you are reacting to the depression. I think it's about waking up to the fact that depression clouds are judgement and just fills our minds with negative thoughts. But those thoughts you are having are 'fake news', as my therapist calls them. Because you reality is in fact someone who is courageous, brave, kind, generous. You are an example of how to be a good human in my opinion. The best of humanity. You need to know this man. Your depression thoughts are giving a false picture, that doesn't match with reality. 

 

Thanks for all that advice about dogs and cats. It's still early days of research, so just trying to get as much info as I can right now! I didn't know that about Siamese so thanks for that! 

 

Well done today man with all that stuff you did! I know your reward centre isn't working but I am seriously proud of you!! 

 

Also good luck with your wife's taper!! 

 

Love you brother

 

God bless

[gail]

London, what a beautiful and enlightening post. Thank you.

Scratt, what are you thoughts on that post? London could have been a therapist!

[invalidusername]

Yes - absolutely. He still can given time!

 

I took a whole Dramamine (50mg) on an empty stomach a while ago... was a bad idea. Really badly out of it....

[invalidusername]

Further to what Gailage said - that was a very nice message this morning. Regardless of the fact that you have had it your whole adult life, you had years before that which you were used to a "normal" life. Another way of looking at it, is to say that I had 40 years of life already which is a fair bit. Like you say, depression is jut the worst - whoever you are, however old you are. It sucks.

 

This morning wasn't too bad - less of the motivational depression and more just run-of-the-mill depression. I felt a niggle of anxiety coming on so I thought I'd nip that in the bud with half a dramamine, but then took both halves as I only have 3 left and thought I'd be on the safe side in case the half wasn't enough. Bad idea. On an empty stomach. It sent me off into some sort of spaced out sleep. I woke up an hour later with a jolt and panic. Then of course, I had four clients to see. I was in such a state. I wanted to turn round and come home half way through the first. I just couldn't cope. 5 hours later I am home and flat out on the bed feeling goodness knows what. Stress, depression, panic - all rolled into one. Just about to reach for the special K to take the edge off. The wife has her therapy tomorrow and I need to stay strong for her.

 

I really can't write too much more brother. I am really struggling here and now know what it feels like on the days before where you have said how difficult it was to get yourself to the forum. But I can do it. I am doing it. I want to reach that point where I just stick two fingers up to whatever is going on in my head and just have a f**k it moment... just like I did when my last partner split from me and I went and got my first tattoo!!

 

Feel free to ask about anything cat related - had enough of them to know a fair bit... English shorthair, ragdoll, russian blue, persian, norwegian forest... and some others along with the typical "moggy". 

 

Again, sorry for the short one today... much love and light,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Man never worry for being short or brief! Also if it is too much too come on here the next few days then do what's best for you! If your too tired after your wife's therapy then just rest up! 

 

Really sorry to hear about that bad reaction to the dramamine. The last thing you needed. Still a huge congrats for getting through those clients!! Again in awe of what you achieve on a day to day basis!! I hope that special K helped!! 

 

Just a normal day here - did see another human walking there dog in the distance so that was a bit of a novelty!!! 

 

So I will be praying for your wife's therapy tomorrow and for you. Just do your best and just try and ride what comes. 

 

I am always here for you brother!! As I say we are a team!! We're in this together! If you need me I'm here!! 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL!! Thank you so much for always being there with such love and support for me!! 

 

You're such a special person and every time I read you is a true pleasure and honour!!!

 

I love you gail!!! 

 

God bless beautiful child of God!

[invalidusername]

So...a bit better this evening, so can document a little more!

 

I will admit to being a nervous wreck this morning after the stress of yesterday. I really should have called it a day earlier on, but as you know, I have this thing about always proving stuff to myself. Stopping work mid-point thru the day, loosing that few quid... are all signs of failure in my eyes. If I did it that one time, I will find it easier to do again blah blah...

 

Still, the mrs was incredibly brave. I dropped her off and she told me to go to one of my clients for an hour and pick her up afterwards. After I got her home and with a steaming cup of tea, she told me how the therapist, in 18 years on the job, had never seen a couple go through what we have in the last 2 years. And apparently, she choked up a bit as well. Quite moving, yet worrying. But I am seeing the positive in thinking that if we can live through something that is deemed by a therapist who has seen 18 years worth of clients to be the worst yet, then nothing is going to get in our way. I worked from home for the rest of the day and supported the wife as best I could and got out for a good walk. 

 

The issue that has now surfaced is anxiety of the depression returning full force as it has done over the last few days. It is of course a control thing. I want to control everything, so when something is not in my control, it stresses me right out. This is where I can hear you telling me to meditate as breathing is the one thing you can always control. This is why I meditated for 90 minutes before going out today!! So I am looking for things to work on, and how best to work on them, but this control stuff has really got me - and it always was my problem. The damn NHS and their 8 week limitations on therapy. I had such a good therapist last year who was right at this point - and she really understood me, and we were both gutted that things had to stop just at the point we were getting into the deep layers. Another 5-6 sessions would have made the world of difference, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even see her privately due to a conflict of interests and all that sh*t. 

 

Anyway - that's me up to date. What's new from the world of Somerset? I meant to ask whether you are enjoying the culinary delights that the area offers. There has to be a nearby bakery that does all the lovely local fresh produce. Any more thoughts on the cat situation? Do you find that she does not meow quite as much as other cats? This is quite common for ferrals. I remember the ferral cat that I had rarely spoke - and you could also only stroke her in certain places otherwise she would flip out on you... A self-preserving mechanism as I understand. They think they are being attacked when touched in certain places. She was ferral for 4 years, so this behavioral pattern was pretty much baked-dried in.

 

Right - time to continue relaxing and enjoying the stress-free early hours...

 

Prayers continue this end for your strength dear brother

 

Love and Light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Man we have so much in common! I have been told by 2 psychiatrists both very experienced and both Professors that they have not seen a depression like mine before. Considering their age and how many patients they must have seen it was a big statement. Both said they hadn't heard as vivid a description of depression. My current psychiatrist said that my depression is of most extreme and rare kind. She has been borderline tears at some points, as well. For me i actually get confidence from it. I had 8 years of this and I am still here. When my depression is hitting with negative thoughts  - 'your so weak'  etc. - I can say well I'm here in one piece despite 8 years of this!! I'm very lucky to be here and I guess the probabilities of lasting 8 years of this wasn't great but here I am!! So I'll just make the best of each day. God gave me a massive challenge, sent me these illness in such extreme form but that was his plan. Like you say you can tap into it in tough moments and say 'well look what I have got through before'. I personally always wanted to work on my mental strength and this I think has provided a decent opportunity- LOL!! Also this is why I am always saying how much I respect and admire you. You are insanely brave and what you and your wife have had to deal with is unbelievable! I really feel in the presence of a superhero man, seriously!! You and your wife are just such huge inspirations and hero to me! They say don't meet your heroes, but I got lucky I'm actually friends with mine!!! As you say man nothing is going to get in your way after these 2 years!! 

 

By the sounds of it your wife gets on with the therapist, which is brilliant. I'm so happy it seems to be going well and your wife is being so courageous. I'm really so pleased for her. Hopefully this can be the start of an exciting new chapter in her life. Please send her all my best and tell her from a fellow OCD sufferer I'm so impressed with her bravery!! 

 

That's so annoying about your therapy. I was telling my aunt about your case when she came and she just couldn't believe it! She was telling me how in the past you could get 3 sessions a week of therapy on NHS for an indefinite period. She has depression and is on anti depressants as well, so she knows what the NHS is like. But even with that she was appalled to hear about you. But your wife starting therapy is great news and hopefully now more things can fall into place. 

 

So my cat is really weird. She wont get in a car, even to the vet which is 5 - 10 minutes away! She catches almost anything - mouse, rats, squirrels, birds. She eat half the squirrel and left half a squirrel just lying there!! Squirrels are quick as well, so to catch one is pretty impressive! She left half a rat just in front of the tv the other day! She had eaten it's head and upper body, leaving it's tail, hind legs and intestines hanging out, which was a lovely sight LOL!! She also caught and fully eat 2 mice in 10 minutes the other day! YET she is so needy and desperate for affection. I can touch her anywhere with no fear. She will just lie there a purr as I rub all over. I have even touched her fangs! No problem. She follows me a lot of the time. She follows my instructions - for example if I tap on a chair she will jump on it. If I tap my legs she circles me. I didn't plan to train her or anything but she just does it. Yesterday I was in loo and she came in and then left, and then when I came out, there she was waiting just outside the door!! She is an extraordinary cat!

 

Speaking of her last as I was going to bed I was taking her out of the kitchen and thought she was out, so was closing the door and then her tail got caught. She ran off and I was gutted. Of course it was complete accident but I was so worried she would be cautious with me after it. I was lying in bed and I had such bad anxiety over it. Luckily today when I say her, she came straight to me and there is no problem. She obviously just needed some time on her own last night with the shock of it. But man I was so upset over it last night. I just kept going over and over it in my head, which is something I normally am really good at not doing. 

 

I had a skype with my therapist today. First time we spoke for a month, so was a good catch up. Other than that, a standard day. My doctor has me on a very very specific diet, so no cider or cheddar or pasties for me!! To be fair I do get to have my dad's home grown vegetables sometimes which are delicious! 

 

Thanks so much for your prayers man - that means a lot! I try and go in the chapel every night here, and pray for you and gail and all the souls suffering in the world. 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

That is the first thing that occurred to me... that this therapist need to meet LDN!! From what you have told me in the past, I would have a tough time thinking how someone could go through so much. This is why there is so little empathy between those who have never been through it themselves. The pain is simply not something that one can imagine. It is like when our poor Gailage has her 20 minutes in the morning... any one else would say.. pah.. 20 minutes is nothing. They don't know! 20 minutes can seem like a year when things are THAT bad. It still leaves a bitter taste in your mouth regardless.

 

Well yes, if you wanted an opportunity to work on your mental strength, you have certainly been given that opportunity! I remember my closest friend at Uni was very similar to you in this respect. She had a number of circumstances shall we say that led her to dorp out after 2nd year with the worst depression, then ME.. with wheelchair and all the trimmings... body dysmorphia... Took her 6 years of medication and therapy, but she got through it. Finished her degree and now teaching. A truly amazing example of how thing can turn around even after so long. She also clung to her faith throughout.

 

I had my second skype with homeopath today after first month and explained everything. 2 good weeks followed by 2 bad.. felt like I was on some sort of withdrawal with all the stress and depression that have been coming up. But the physical effects have at least gone. Anyway - as it turns out, she was expecting me to start reducing the Citalopram immediately.. so along with sorting out my physical symptoms, the remedy was made to get rid of the "toxins" from the Citalopram! Loosely translated, it was meant to be cleaning it out of my system whilst my body still wanted it! I told her I wasn't happy to reduce the dose until I was more stable, so she said that the current remedy may well have been causing these problems. My next remedy will now focus on maintaining physical health whilst increasing stress tolerance and reducing depression. Then it all works well, next month we will up the potency and start the withdrawal in 5mg increments.

 

Today I woke with residual stress, but this morphed into depression for the afternoon, and then back to stress when I went to work. I managed 4 clients, pharmacy and another tesco trip. I can't tell you how exhausted I am doing that with all the stress in the background. My whole system is still on red alert for an ambush of depression. I just can't relax.

 

One thing that may interest you - and others - is what my homeopath said about my judging - you remember when I went to the post office on tuesday and just didn't feel anything? I told her about it. She then recalled that I could work, see friends, go shopping etc - so she said it is no wonder.. and asked if I congratulate myself for going shopping? I said no - because it is just part of life. She said my brain is telling me the same thing about the post office. It was no different to the pharmacy, the doctors or tesco. It is a normal part of life. It makes sense.

 

The wife thanks you for your words. She is still suffering from the first session and I told her it might be another 2 or 3 at least before she settles and sees benefit. Hopefully the weekend will give her some space.

 

So does your cat not have regular wet food or dry food? Does she just eat various wildlife?! They are natural hunters of course, just like my parents cat. As their house backs on to a massive field, it is just like a playground for him. He'll catch stuff most days, but rarely eats. He will just bring it into the garden and play with it, or bring it into the house to show it off!

 

Wow - am so tired. I can barely type again, but at least my mood is relatively stable. I think I will be happier when this next remedy arrives so it will no longer be fighting the citalopram. This stress is just a bit too much. Will see how it goes...

 

Much love to you my brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Glad that the skype went well by the sounds of things and you have come up with a good plan going forward. Really sorry about this stress. I had such bad stress most of last winter. Stress and fear. Your right it is just so exhausting and for you having to work on top of all that must be so tough. I completely relate to that feeling of not being able to relax. Exactly what I had. Just always feeling on edge. 

 

I've got to be honest mate that tonight my brain is completely dead. Just empty. Not sure why. I watched a football match on tv with my brother and dad earlier so that probably just took it all out of me. My brain is just in shut down mode. I also felt pretty mentally overwhelmed last night, as if my brain could keep up with the pace of things. This is why I just have to take things so slow. With my brain injury it just has an information threshold of what it can take, and after that it just shuts down and I can barely think. So sorry for this man. It is just my reality of living with a brain injury. 

 

Last night writing to you brought some real perspective to me. I realised just how lucky I am to be here and also not be permanently in hospital. I often forget the evaluations those doctors gave me. In that context I think it's a great achievement to be able to live at home and do what I'm doing right now. I hope I don't sound arrogant, it's just I'm trying to frame my life in a new light. You can't compare your life to anybody else, it is futile when most people don't have illnesses that i have. Again just trying to work on this self compassion as you read so much about it and it does seem to really help. 

 

How the weather with you? It been raining basically non stop all day here. The cat eats meat and biscuits of different sorts, but that still doesn't stop her from catching what she can!! She is also about 16 I think, which I think is pretty old but the vets say she is doing great. I think because she was abused in the past that gives me a real soft spot for here. Knowing she has faced trauma herself. I'm going to miss her so much!! I'm trying not to get too close for this reason but then it's tough when we have such a great bond!! 

 

Also I forgot to tell you that some mornings the birds just go mental here. Around when I'm going to bed or a bit before. We have crows here as well. So loud. At I came well prepared!! 

 

Also absolutely right about your wife. These things take time. Will slowly get easier and easier over time. Just so great she has had the bravery to start! 

 

Sorry for being short tonight man! Like you I can barely type! Have a great weekend!!

 

Love you man

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Hey man - how's the noggin this evening? Hope it has woken up a bit for you during today. I know the feeling you speak of. This often happens to me after a period of study. You know things are in your head, but the facilities to reach them just aren't available.. if you can relate to that? And it is some perspective that you are not in hospital. From what I gather, these places aren't the nicest - even some of the private ones. The NHS loony bin scares the crap out of me. Have you ever seen one? Dormitories of 18 beds (single sex), so there is for sure noise most of the night of people crying, screaming etc. You are allowed mobile phones, but you have to give them to the staff to charge up as you are not allowed any leads. Canteen style food which is said to be far from the best. And this is a place where you are supposed to recuperate. 

 

Having said that - setting aside the first two hours of the day, I had the best day in around a month today. I went to see my friend and was there for 3 hours, laughing and joking.. gardening.. petting the cat and dog. My friend said I was like a different person! I felt it too. No idea where it has come from, but man, if every day could be like that!! I felt no fear, no anxiety and only a little bit of concern about a depression ambush. It was really a case of keeping telling myself to like in the now. Much easily when I am out of the flat and chatting with friends. It also helps that I can be completed relaxed with her as she has herself been tarred with the crazy brush...

 

Weather down here is so so. Plenty of rain yesterday, but sunnier today. Is set to be overcast for a day or two with more showers, so not the best. Real shame you have got what sounds like the worst of it down there... and the crows... my goodness. When you get a group of them the noise is unbearable! Do you have ear plugs? I need them to sleep through the mornings here. There is no way I would manage without them.

 

Sounds like your cat has got it made there. Bless her. 16... she could still have a fair bit of innings yet. The eldest cat I had was 21... and she had the kitty version of diabetes, and as such, overweight - but that never stopped her. Got me a fortunate in meds towards the end, but all the time she was happy...

 

I am also working on the self compassion stuff. I think I have a lot further to go than yourself. You often speak a lot more sense that myself about these things! I suppose when there is work and bills and wotnot to pay, there has to be some, but not nearly like I put myself through. That said, you have the equivalent of work with the extra illnesses - you have been given your work from above... and the time will come following your recovery when you will help others (even more than you are now). I really think this is part of your calling. You are not destined to spend the rest of your life as you are, but while you are, you are doing exactly what I believe is meant for you. Truly inspiring.

 

I didn't think you would be on such a strict diet - not something I considered being a factor, but clearly do not know enough. So what sort of things are you "allowed"? I obviously don't each true cornish pasties being a vegetarian, but loads of places do alternatives either with veg, cheese or meat substitute. Oh wow, this is making me hungry! Had forgot about dinner too.. I will treasure this day when my mind can be that active with other things. I have really missed this...

 

My continued thanks for your encouragement through all these ups and downs brother... and for that, and much more, I love you man.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

sd

[invalidusername]

Ooooh - what's happened here?

 

Hope all ok LDN... not sure what to make of "sd"

[gail]

Scrat, hello, what does sd stand for? I miss his post. Thanks.

He hasn't answered my post either. Worried here.

[gail]

News from London! He could not access the forum yesterday. So, he's ok. Great. He tried to email you, it didn't work. So, be at peace, I was so worried. Lovage.

[invalidusername]

Hi Gailage...

 

Yes - just checked and have email from LDN myself too! I always go to the forum first before tackling my email in the morning... so all is OK.. well... as it can be for our mornings! Just said a little prayer for your 15-20 minutes of the morning. Thinking of you.

 

Much lovage

[invalidusername]

Well, hopefully you can post on the forum this evening - the site does have the odd occasion where it goes down. Owning a server myself I know how much of a right pain in the arse it can be. No server (with few exceptions) can be online 100% of the time! But they go down at the worst time imaginable... and no problem whatsoever to mail me directly. Much like Gail, I started to panic.. what is "sd".. "severely depressed?"... on no... is he ok?! Seriously, our anxious minds are so silly sometimes!!

 

What you said about that monk is truly wonderful. How I would love to be able to do that... sure it must be possible with enough practice. I was reading something shortly afterwards about the importance of the pauses between the breaths as being the points that we are truly free of our minds - that even when noticing the breathing, it is something we are "thinking" about. For me I don't like to pause after the in-breath, but I naturally pause after the out-breath and I had an real enlightenment moment for about 20 minutes earlier focusing on this. In the day!! This was a real positive. However, it was interrupted as I noticed my head going bad all of a sudden... of which I shall explain.

 

Last weekend, I stopped taking my remedy midnight on Saturday, and on the Sunday, if you recall, I had an amazing disappearance of the stress/depression around 4pm for the rest of the day. Then Monday, around 2pm, all the head stuff came back with a vengeance, so I took the remedy again, and by the evening my head was fine - and stayed fine since... although stress came back.

 

I did the same experiment Friday at midnight. And sure enough as I said above, around 4pm... another great day. Then today.. again.. 2pm... head goes crazy again. Started taking remedy and head is just clearing up. So not a bad day as nothing to get stressed over, but anxiety was there due to head. Been clear for a week, so it is a bit of a shock when it comes back, but I convinced myself that it is the meds and that it will get sorted...

 

So the remedy is clearing my head no question, but also interfering with the Citalopram, which we know is because of something in there clearing out the "toxins". So if she can formulate something that doesn't interfere with the Citalopram but still gets rid of the head stuff... I will be made!! Hopefully, interfering with the Citalopram is not a prerequisite of sorting my head out. Man, this is tough - all this experimentation. But at least it is SO much easier than AD's. You get effects straight away with this herbal stuff. No messing about. I am quietly hopeful. But no-one can say that it doesn't work. It sure does something - no doubt in my mind at all. Just need the formula to be right.

 

Anyway - moving to your despair and ecstasy thing. Do you find you have any gray area between at all? It sounds, like me, you are quickly triggered by the physical symptoms at any given interval? Maybe treading water for a while until you can't hold it and your head gives in and you end up getting low. If that makes sense. But looking at it from the perspective of 3 years ago is great. To be able to have these positive moments is great. Do you find that your mood fluctuates during the day? Are those times similar each day - such as your time before bed? For example, I can pretty much guarantee that my worst time will be the first 4 hours of the day, and the best are the last 4 hours of the day... but the 8 in between has been something of a no-man's land. Unpredictable. Some times I can hold the better mood through circumstances, but some days, regardless of what is going on, I can be ambushed by stress or depression. No control. Can't stand it. 

 

The being in the now is good... for a lot of times. When we are already feeling on the better side, or when we are anxious as inevitably thinking about the past or the future, but when we are depressed, you don't want to be in the now. You want to fast-forward to later when it has passed. I am consulting Eckart Tolle on this one. There is a lot of information in "The Power of Now" about this that makes sense, but again, not always so easy to implement. Interested to know your thoughts on this one....

 

Right. Time to cook and relax a bit more with me breathing! 

 

Love and Light

 

God Bless