2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Ah - you will never tame a feral cat. Once they are used to the outdoor life, they will be never be taken anywhere else. Its in their genes of course. They were wild a long time before we domesticated them... but I'm glad we did! A while back, a friend of mine took over a hotel locally and she couldn't take her cat with her - and I stepped in very quickly and adopted it. It was a pure-bred pedigree red Persian. So beautiful and kind natured. Mind you. Fluff. Everywhere.

 

Sorry to hear about your allergies man. I trust they have cleared up today? You may find the effects loose their grasp after a while - it does happen. If not I am sure there is a med for it

 

It sounds like you are really getting some therapy down there. I think this is wonderful for you. The confidence you will be building up is great. I am quite jealous... if nothing else, I am going to need that confidence tomorrow as the wife has finally succumbed to therapy. Issue here is that I will have to drive her, and be there with her through it all. All this stuff is outside my routine so my anxiety has been all over the place today. Took a valium earlier to calm my stutters during a lesson, and now having a dose of Kratom to ensure that sleep does not elude me. I'll be fine tomorrow, and I know it is an exposure - but it is the first major exposure in about 2 months as I have been giving myself time to sort all the issues out with my withdrawal and Citalopram issues.

 

Speaking of which - my naturopath stuff - it has been one whole week. Now I am not quite sure if it has anything to do with it, but looking back over my journal, the last 7 days have been the best for about 4 months! I have only had one day with head fog, and that was when I got myself worked up a bit, and I have had one nasty headache, but that was last week when we had that horrendously hot day. Compared to the week before, I have to say it is looking hopeful, but I will need to see what occurs when I start dropping the Citalopram dose as this will give me the answer as to whether it is the remedy working, or whether the Citalopram has suddenly started to work... after 15 weeks... which I cannot see myself.

 

It was lovely to wake up and imagine the views you have down there, and the colours that you will be getting in the sunrise. This is one of the best things about being nocturnal - you get to see the most amazing colours in the morning when everyone else is asleep. 

 

Oh - and the book - for sure go through Amazon. I need more reviews! I can't believe that I have sold that many and still only had one review. Plenty for delivery and what not, but only one for the book itself! But I didn't publish for the fame, it was a bucket list item as I said.

 

Right - time to chill out and prepare myself for tomorrow - wish us luck!!

 

Love and prayers for you all down there.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

So today I went into a new field. So far just been going to the one across the road with the sheep. Today I walked up the road and walked to the end of another field and back. So that was a good exposure to do a new field. Quite tiring walking through long grass and hills in wellies compared to flat pavement but doing my best. Must admit I'm getting quite addicted to the sheep. They just seem so chilled. They let me get pretty close to them as well. They just meditate and eat grass, not a bad life really. I've counted 22 in the field. 

 

The allergy has improved a bit. I can stroke the cat but just not cuddle her and or let her sit on me. It's annoying and quite sad but it is what it is. I have had a mild cold all day as well, which is either hay fever or the cat. I don't mind the cold but the pain in my lungs and throat wasn't nice. Haha yeah there is a med, my mum got my brother to bring it down. But I hate taking any drugs now unless I literally have to, so I said I would leave it a few days to see if it settled. 

 

I'm so pleased for your wife man! That fantastic news. Will be praying that all goes well tomorrow. Can understand why your nervous but just try and go with the flow and not fight it. Also I'm so pleased for your news of the last 7 days!! Brilliant!! That sounds super encouraging. My mum swears by naturopaths. That's how she was brought up. She used to tell me all these things as child about things you shouldn't take and since so much has come out about what she was saying. I'm really excited about this development for you man. Best week for 4 months!! So happy for you. 

 

So wishing all the best tomorrow man!! Feel excited for you! This seems a big breakthrough. Don't get too worked up if you feel stressed as that would be completely natural after 2 months of no new exposures. So if it gets a bit bumpy at times don't let that get to you as that would be normal. 

 

Will be praying!
 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[gail]

Scrat, so happy that you are feeling much better! Great naturopath you have, it paid off! Yeah! Lovage to you Scrattage.

[invalidusername]

Thanks Gailage. 

 

However been a day of pooing myself as it was new therapy day for the wife and me! 2 and a half hours of it!! Taken the rest of the day off. My head is spinning o_O

 

Much lovage...

[invalidusername]

Hey man,

 

Thanks for your text earlier! All I could do was pick up my phone and send you a message to distract myself thinking... LDN will understand! Calmed me down a lot knowing that you were there thinking of us both!

 

I had to go in with the wife for her assessment due to her social anxiety, so I had to sit there silent and listen to all her woes for about 75 mins. Then we had 5 minute break and I went back in for another hour... so the whole ordeal was about 2 and a half hours talking about problems - really sent my head spinning. Am very proud of the wife... and myself. I was OK once I was in the room and settled - as these things always are. They are now going to discuss cases and see if there is anyone suitable to take us on. It sounded hopeful though. I will keep everyone posted. I need to do more stuff out of my routine now - or even add stuff to my routine. I would love to be one of these people that can get up and just go for a run... but who am I kidding at the moment!!

 

The remedy stuff is looking good, but as I say, I do not want to get too excited just yet. I do feel that I am able to hold things further at bay than before and the physical symptoms sure are clearing up. I had a bit of a wobble today, but that was pure anxiety - nothing like the head issues I have had before. This is what I was trying to spell out to the doctors when they told me it isn't the medication, it is your anxiety. I KNOW what you feel like physically when you get anxiety, and this isn't it. More to the point, why do I feel physically awful when I am NOT anxious!? They were wrong. And they don't listen. Hence why we end up working this stuff out for ourselves!!

 

Anyway - hope you have had the opportunity to get your cat fix without alerting the allergies. Did you get any nature strolls in today? If your weather is anything like down here, it would be perfect. Sometimes I wish we had a means of teleporting to these places. If we knew we could get back home within a matter of seconds, we could go anywhere in the world!! What do you reckon? Could we pitch this for some anxiety research foundation?!

 

Right I need to make this a short one as my Kratom is kicking in and it will make it difficult to make sense of what I am writing soon!! I am already tired and when taken tired, it does tend to zone you out a bit... in a good way of course. So much better than a valium, but the valium is easily portable and does wear off within an hour. If I took Kratom at the assessment this afternoon there is no way I would be driving back home afterwards!

 

Thanks again for your support today - love you for that.. for everything.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

YES MAN!! So so so proud of both you and your wife!!! This is huge and brave step for you!! This was such a big step - getting in that first step. That is the toughest bit. For me the the first time with a therapist or a specialist can be unbearable and so nerve racking! Having to go through that script of all your history - oh man is so draining! So hugely proud!! Please send my huge congratulations to your wife on her amazing bravery!! And also a big congrats to you my brother for doing that massive exposure and being there for your wife! Really so happy for you both! 

 

I am so pleased that you can be proud of yourself - in moments like this you absolutely must be! Honestly man don't underestimate your achievements here! I was really looking forward to hearing how it went - but I had a good feeling!! So nice for me to read it went well!! 

 

Oh man I feel you about people not understanding! No offence to the NHS but for some one of your intelligence it must be frustrating. Ultimately we as patients know best! All doctors know about depression and anxiety is what we tell them!! It's not like they have any other insight is it? It not like they can scan or do a ECG for depression or anxiety. Mental health should always be patient led. Must say I am surprised the ketamine clinic never got back in touch to ask about my difficulties with it. Especially since I was part of research. I did read one article that said it may be problematic right at the end - but basically everything I read was all positive. I really happy it has helped so many people, but I doubt I'm the only one who had a bad experience but you don't hear about it. 

 

Man it's tough with the cat! One part of me is scared of getting a reaction again and then another is like 'I just want to hug and kiss and cuddle you!!'. I mean I've got so close to her and she really loves me as well. It's typically out of my family I'm one who needs her attention the most and yet I'm the only one with an allergy!! LOL!! I have to show huge self restraint!! I still chat to her and stroke her but no more cuddles!! Still it does at least mean I won't get too attached to her, to the point I can't cope when I have to leave. I must say I love it when she follows me around the house or garden- that is super cute!! 

 

Yeah went and said hello to the sheep again! The early evening weather was incredible. We have all this heather and that white fluff they produce just floats in the air and it so beautiful! Man we need that teleportation device. You just pop up and I could introduce the cat and the sheep!! It would be perfect!! Definitely something Anxiety research should be looking into!! LOL! Great idea!! 

 

Hope your evening was good man! 

 

So happy your day went well!! Fantastic! 

 

Love you brother!! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Thanks for your encouraging words brother... and I managed it through the next day! I did wake feeling a lot of that self-pity you spoke of. All those thoughts.. you know.. why did you get yourself worked up about it... are you going to do that every time... your life is going to be so awful if you can't do something as small as that... I realise later in the day just how much I beat myself up, but it is like someone hits the reset button overnight.

 

There were days that I would be ecstatic that I could do a full days work, or make it through a shopping trip without having a panic attack - and these are all things that I take for granted... why can't I see the progress! It is so good to have people like you tell me this stuff as I would be so much worse without it - no perspective whatsoever! The wife is also very grateful for your kind words. She is completely knackered today and slept quite a lot, which I can understand.

 

You are absolutely right about the NHS. The doctors (or the ones that I have come across) really do think they understand mental health and that if we fall in line, then we will be cured - but the brain is such a complex and hugely subjective organ - I don't think we will ever fully understand it before the human race becomes extinct or the world blows up. Some things are just not meant to be. Agree about the ketamine. You'd think think they would want to know more about what occurred for their own research wouldn't you. Doesn't bode well for what they are trying to achieve. Too many statistics are falsified in the medical industry - and being in the research field I can see the pressure for people to do it just to gain qualifications, you throw money into the mix and it is bound to have an effect. I have never falsified data pure and simply for the reason that if it was ever found to be the case, that would be my academic career totaled. No ifs. No buts. Finished. It is just not worth it.

 

I really don't know where to stand in this cat situation of yours. I want you to have the company, yet the attachment is always something to consider. I can't believe they are even "making" cats for people with alergies... I guess there must be something in it, but it is amazing how far we have come. 30 years ago it wouldn't have been thought of! I think they are just running out of stuff to do after they cloned the sheep!! 

 

So how are you finding your depression/anxiety... mental health in general being down there? Have you altered your sleeping routine at all, or do you still sleep into the morning as I do? My parents have this white fluff stuff in their village too. It is like some fairy tale having it going through the air - really nice. Reminds me of a dream I had once that I shared with Gail and Hat - and they both agreed that I had a brief trip to Heaven. I can remember it vividly. What I would give to have that again. I will try to dig out the message from the archives and send a copy to you. I think about it a lot - particularly on difficult days. It was something truly other-worldy. 

 

Right - time to chill and reason with my head a little more!

 

Love and light brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Wow that dream sounds amazing! Would love to hear more about it but obviously only when you have time! 

 

So I'm feeling pretty knackered tonight and have a huge headache. Think I've still got a few small allergy symptoms like a bit of a cold - I imagine these will hang around till I leave. It's been a bit of a whirlwind week really. So much to take in. Such a different environment for me. The emotional toil of all that I think is hitting a bit. Generally my mental health has been good. Not too much anxiety and depression been decent - but really so limited by this injured brain of mine. Without going on about it, it is a big disability. I watched the cricket for about 10 minutes with my brother today then boom headache and knackered - just from 10 minutes! That is my reality and has largely been my reality for 5/6 years. Whenever I'm given a reminder of just quite how bad my brain injury, the self pity just comes crashing in. So that's where I am tonight - really struggling with the self pity. Considering I've had Measles, Lyme and the co infections all damage my brain I'm probably very lucky to not be much much worse in reality. To have my memory, communication skills etc.  - I should focus on that. I was 7 years without reading - so I have to hold onto little things like that. But I feel so fed up of it and more than anything dreading living anymore with this horrendously damaged shell. But I got my spirituality and I've got LOVE - they are really the same thing! So many struggle with these and I think they are the most important. So in reality God has blessed me hugely. Still my spirit is in residence in the shell, and of course it going to get me down being so incredibly limited and fragile. 

 

Yeah I still go to bed late - 7ish. Just how I do things. I just need that peace and quite of night with this brain of mine. No one around for 6 or 7 years and pure calm and quiet - I need that. 

 

So some big news.....I saw 2 people today on the road!!! Up till now it had just been 1 the whole trip!!! So now a grand total of 3 human beings spotted!!! LOL!! Even then 2 of them were far down the road!! Bearing in mind there are 22 sheep in the field who I see every day - it's a bit surreal. I'm having a taste of what it must be like being a really rural farmer - much more animals than humans!! 

 

At dawn the other day a deer and 2 of her kids were in the garden! About 5 30ish. Not that many big wild mammals left in the uk are there? No bears or wolves anymore. I think we have boar, not sure. So the deers were eating my dad's flowers!! They are such beautiful creatures but since it was deer tick that gave me lyme something about them just freaks me out. I guess that is natural. Was pretty cute seeing the kid and the mum rub up against each other. 

 

I not surprised your wife is knackered I would be!! Happy you managed to get through the day okay mate!! 

 

Will be praying! 

 

Love you

 

God bless

[gail]

Scrat, I just remember the part of the dream with orbs. Could you search your brain and tell us the details again. Thank you.

You're doing pretty good on your road to recovery. Is it each week? Practice makes you better and better. After all, you are not perfect, I love you Scrattage, much lovage and I love to read you, it's inspiring, thanks for sharing your life with us.

[invalidusername]

Yes... you remembered!! The orbs!! Oh how amazing it was! I am sure the message is in the archive somewhere.

 

You are so kind with your words, as I am not at all good to myself and I do try for perfection by the sounds of it all. The progress has been good but just still getting nasty mornings which I am just letting be...

 

Please keep me updated on how you are doing... you are forever in my thoughts and prayers. Just think of that wonderful day when we are up in Heaven chasing these orbs

 

Love you soooo much Gailage...

[invalidusername]

I can imagine that the emotional stuff is building up as the time collates down there, but you will be able to judge best. What I worry for is for you to get too accustomed to the quiet and then have a bit too much of a culture shock on your return - but again, you know you better than me (obviously!!), just want to make sure we look after you...

 

I can really understand the self pity too. I can't imagine the quick turnaround on 10 minutes in front of the cricket - that is really nasty, but it hit this morning. I felt a bit anxious so I was reading a few articles which helped me before but came to a bit of a realisation that I thought you might be able to help set my head straight. With the anxiety stuff, it is a case of facing the fear and so forth - exposures and all that. I get that. Fine. This works for going to work, shopping... but when it comes to having a day off and there is a case of what to do if I am feeling well. So let's say there is the option of going to a nice heritage site. There is the driving distance for one, then the amount of people... and what to do if either the wife or myself has a moment. Yes - this needs to be faced, but when there is depression, you just don't see the point of doing it. You cannot see pleasure from going to the place - so regardless of whether you can do the drive, the people... you still wouldn't benefit from it. Does that makes sense? Maybe it is a case that I will when I get there, or I need to do a few like this for it to take effect.

 

I did a nice exposure today as I had a walk into the middle of town to the supermarket (that I don't usually go to)... lots of people and about a mile. Bought a couple of bits and I was absolutely fine. No anxiety. But it was a chore so I didn't expect any pleasure from it. But if I had expected pleasure from it... and didn't feel any.. that would make my depression worse as it means I have lost my reward circuitry. I do however feel it later in the day. Like now for example. I have done some more artwork and I feel good - I am proud that I can use the skills I spent years at university fine tuning. But the first half of the day, it just doesn't work! I want to feel the pleasure in the early part of the day so I have the impetus to go and face these challenges...

 

Sorry, that has been a bit about my issues, but I have been thinking about it all day, and I know you must have thought about similar issues yourself... or if anyone else reading has anything they would like to weigh in on?! I know this is led by LDN and myself, but we write here for the benefit of others too!!

 

3 humans now!! LOL. Well done man! But enjoy the animals.. and yes, we have lost a lot. Back in the days before the ban, I was a hunt sab. I saved a many number of foxes I am proud to say. Got my first Police caution from that and there were so quite violent times - scary times - but I was doing it for the animals.

 

Right - time for some dinner. I bought the wife a nice bottle of her favourite wine for getting through the first session on Thursday. She is still going through the aftermath, but since then, she has been reading self-help books like there is no tomorrow. It is looking good - just hope she can keep going like this...

 

Love and Light my dear brother.

 

God Bless.

[LDN]

I realised what set me off was my brother going off to the football yesterday and that I couldn't go with him. I so wanted to go and that let in the self pity. Also a very much like you after the therapy with your wife I'm still bothered about what an effort it was to get down here. Obviously it went much better than last year but still took a hell of a lot out of me. I just feel so frustrated that I can't just get in a car and go somewhere. I am really struggling accepting this new normal of brain injury. I'm just gone 27, have been seriously ill for 8 years and then have years of work ahead of me- when you frame it like that it leads existential crisis. I was an active, vibrant young guy and now been housebound for 8 years. Everything is an effort, I'm just so weak. Also it the feeling of missing out - sometimes it's at bay but then last night and tonight it just tears me apart. And there is no quick fix. I've always struggled with comparing myself to others, so imagine now!! The thing is I know that because of my personality nothing but spirituality will bring me happiness. I absolutely have enough evidence that for my deep searching personality the spiritual path is the only one. But at the same time I want to be able to experience that sense of purposeless and superficiality that comes with the 20s life to now FOR SURE. I don't just want to assume it, I want to experience it first hand. I want to be like I done the party and all that it didn't bring me what I wanted, so lets turn to new life. Instead I feel it's been pushed on me. St. Augustine was like this. Lived in Milan in the 4th century, had a hedonistic time. Then realised it's emptiness and became a priest and did all his great writings. I have that voice being like maybe it is amazing living hedonistically but I'm just persuading myself it isn't because I can't do it? Does that make sense? I want first hand experience of being unhappy doing the typical 20s stuff to sort of validate my new path. 

 

I do feel am doing great spiritually and had a lovely letter from my aunt I met saying she was so impressed when she met me and even said I had a 'peace this world cannot give' (John 14:27). So that sort of made me feel it's not just in my head that I'm doing well. But still I have doubts. I'm not ashamed of that, considering some of the great saints have had them - like Mother Teresa was crippled by them! But I do have moments when I think I just making stuff up to sort of keep me happy and give me meaning. I know this is pretty deep stuff man, so apologise. It's just where I am now in my head. What I will say is that I had a massive ketamine trip and yet felt it was not comparable to what I feel organically. My brother who back in his uni days did psychedelics etc. couldn't believe it when I told him that. I think living in such an incredible hostile world to spirituality as we do, it seems you can only get transcendence through drugs or drink. In the west people just can't conceive that you can reach a state of transcendence without any substance assistance. The lifestyle in the West is just so damaging to spirituality nowadays - 24/7 news, phones, phones and more phones, social media, stress. Where is the calm, peace, prayer? You know what I mean? Even when they do eastern stuff they commercialize it - make it like a cool new thing! People have been meditating for at least 2500 years, it's not some new thing for you to sell.

 

Man I'm sorry I've gone off on one there! Deary me! LOL! Just had to let out some stuff that was one my mind!! Sorry man!! 

 

So yeah it's true when I go back to London it will be a shock, but for my family it means a lot to be down here and I should be okay. My exposures recently I think should help re-adjust. I totally get what your saying for exposures for depression. I very much had that mindset for a long time. What I have learned is you never really know how something is going to go till you do it. So for example you might wake up depressed and then go to the heritage site and then once there actually really enjoy it. Equally you could feel quite good then get there and then feel depressed. I can't predict at all how my walk are going to go. Some days I think it's going to be so tough and it isn't actually, while others I'm relaxed then get out the house and start feeling bad. You can only really tell how your depression is working by testing it out. Tough I know. Otherwise your sort of permanently feeling not well enough to do stuff and so never go out - i.e. ME for 7 years and 1/2. The only way to know what your capable of is to collect the evidence. Otherwise things get a bit OCD and you begin to persuade yourself you can't do anything. I hope that makes sense! Also I have personally found that doing exposures regularly does help depression. Sure a one off doesn't really. But if you are consistently doing stuff despite the depression it gives you a feeling of slightly more control over the depression. A bit like 'ok depression your there but I not going to let that dictate to me my every step I take'. It helps get you some agency back from the depression. It helps the acceptance process. It also means that when your depression picks up you don't have to start from the beginning but are already doing stuff!! So if you start feeling better you can immediately start doing more stuff. 

 

Well done on that exposure man!! Also exciting stuff regarding your wife!! 

 

Love you brother 

 

God bless

[gail]

Scrat, what about an outing to the park, and you can both read. A simple pleasure, but a pleasure. Start small Scrattage. You often find pleasure in the smallest things.

I understand everything that you wrote, and find a part of me in you.

Or a trip to the library! I insist on starting small. Love you Scrat, thank you again, I'm sure that both of your writings are helping a lot of people. It helps me by seeing clearer in myself. Love you both! News from NM,
? missing her wisdom like crazy. I so love to read her also.

[invalidusername]

Thanks Gailage - there is a park which is about 15 minutes drive from here which would be a good exposure. Today would be ideal, but I have been keeping myself going for many days now and unfortunately I feel my depression has got the better of me today. I feel exhausted from a lot of effort. I need to accept this as best I can and try not to let it effect me too much.

 

LDN explains the feeling very well, and I feel so much for you both. Conditions like this take a huge amount of self-compassion, bravery and strength. I see so much in you both. 

 

Still no word from NM - has been a month since we heard. I do worry for her - we just have to understand that she has things she must do for now. I am sure she will be back soon.

 

Much lovage

[invalidusername]

Your message really rung true for me today - good timing as it made me feel less on my own. I am trying to imagine what it must be like for you with the triggers for the self-pity... and how I should be grateful for what I have got. And please understand, I cannot say to myself "well, yeah - he has Lyme so he has a reason". Nothing could be further from it. Whatever it is, whatever the circumstances, it can really get to you, and just because I cannot see a reason, doesn't make it anything else. As you said many moons ago - one of the first things you said to me in fact - is that it is how we perceive our circumstances, not the frequency or the severity, as this is all determined by the first variable - our own view of it.

 

It pains me to read how difficult it is for you when you talk of missing out on things - especially when you have lived the life before back in your teenage years. I can understand you also wanting to experience the typical 20-something life of today so that you have some comparison to the life that you have made for yourself through spirituality.

 

The problem is that I harshly judge myself against stuff like that. I don't have lyme, so why can't I just sort myself out and get my life back. I have had some really good days, but I was still waking every morning to a good 4 hour challenge to get myself into the day before the anxiety/depression lifted to a stable point. That is only 25% of the day... I was focusing as best I could on the 75%, but this morning it just took over and it was like I couldn't take my attention away from that 25%. Then when it should have lifted, I felt a sucker punch of depression out of nowhere and that has laid me out for the rest of the day. So horrible. It was like someone had given me a depression injection. It came on within seconds. I went from holding it together, to almost suicidal in about 10 seconds! I mean.. how?!  Bit better now, but now of course worried that I am heading into a low patch again! It also doesn't help that I have had the head fog and some dizziness back. They must be linked... surely. I am hoping that it is just part of my brain recalibrating itself, but I need to find some positivity to get myself back to where I was tomorrow. 

 

That was a lovely and uplifting verse that your aunt gave you - so very fitting, and I absolutely know about what you say about the western civilisation. It all amounts to stress - and we feel it so much more than many. You need not apologise for what you have said - it helped me a lot as I said before. Knowing that there is someone else, someone that I know, going through something very similar is comforting. 

 

And my thanks for your take on what I mentioned yesterday. I think this is the only way to look at the issue. If you are never going to do these things, then how can you expect change. This is another thing I am always reminding myself of.. if you want change, you need to make change. Nothing comes from nothing! I think I was hoping that my morning would have improved over the course of these few days, but I need to remember that things like the therapy trip was only 3 days ago, and that obviously set my anxiety off. After 2 days, I thought I had it covered, so just didn't expect today to turn out as it did. Apologies, you can see the ongoing negativity that ensues from earlier. I just really need to let it go...

 

Hoping you have had a good day - will look forward to hearing how you have got on.

 

Love and Light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Struggling here mate. It's really the depression. People can have all sort of ailments and be happy. I've read so much positive writings.But ultimately when you have a malfunctioning brain, pumping out negative emotions there is only so much you can do. You say the depression hit you like an injection, in 10 seconds - can completely relate to that. I have gone from being ok to complete desolation in an equally short space of time. What I have learned with depression is just what a biological phenomenon it is. It doesn't matter what's going on in your life, it will hit if the brain chemistry isn't right. This is so difficult to come to terms with as we have no control over our mood. It's completely out of our hands how we feel. Now this is on the surface is a very scary thing. But what it can lead to is a humility and letting go. Giving ourself to fate/God. What we can do is determine our REACTION to our mood deteriorating. We can learn to accept these terrifying swings. Now it is very very hard to do that, but we can do it, with patience and practice. This is my main goal at the moment. When I read of the Buddhist monk who felt no physical despite being cut open, I said to myself if you can do this for physical pain lets do it for mental pain. I know an extreme example, but for it gave me a challenge. 

 

As I write to you I am feeling completely horrendous. Overcome with depression. But it is out of my control. I mean I don't want to trigger people but I've felt on the brink of death for 8 years and somehow I am still here. Having experienced different forms of mental illness and also severe physical illness, in my subjective opinion depression is BY FAR the worst of them all. No competition. So when you say that I have Lyme don't think that makes it easier for you. The worst I have ever felt in my life was probably in 2011, with my psychotic depression. Physically I was fine at the time. Have you heard the stories of people who survived concentration camps but then commit suicide? That tells you a lot about depression. Look at Jesus' words in the Beatitudes - what is the first form of suffering he mentions? 'Blessed are the poor in spirit'! That tells you a lot about how devastating depression is in my opinion. 

 

I can't hide that right now I can barely write I feel so desolate. But the thing is - I'm ok with feeling like this as I can't control it. It's horrific but I'm ok with feeling so horrific. I not going to beat myself up about it, is basically what I mean. Now is the time for self-love and pride at having to live with such a horrendous condition. 

 

So man I'm sorry for all this. But tonight you caught me at the wrong time. All day I haven't been feeling great. I've been weak, severely lacking motivation but only as I started writing to you have I suddenly been hit so badly - very similar to what you faced earlier today. 

 

But I am proud I have still come on the forum and I am proud that I am going to read some positive spiritual stuff. What I can control I am doing well. My brain is tearing strips out of me but my actions I am pleased by. 

 

Will be praying for you brother! I am so sorry for what you faced today. 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

So - we've both been through it... comforting to know you are sharing my moment, but obviously we could both do without it!

 

This business about the depression hitting so quickly has really done a number on me and I just cannot calm down. Just that little jolt and it had me down for the rest of the day - I am so worried that it will happen again. As you know, it all kicked off again today, but the depression is different. 95% of the time it is my thoughts bringing it about and I have a perfectly good reason as to why I am depressed, but these moments... why?! It was like an annoying child following me around all day. When I have situational depression, I just cannot focus on work, talk properly to people etc, but none of that was a problem, but it still had such a grip on me. Regarding the reaction, I just cannot do anything other than panic about it. It is exhausting waiting for something that may or may not happen, and outside of 4 hours work, I have been in bed. I would love to get the mental pain under control like the Buddhist you mention with the physical pain, but forgive me when I consider that to be a huge undertaking as pain circuits are far less complex that our emotions! But don't let me stop you!

 

I have indeed heard stories of concentration camps - I can't bear to think of them. My great uncle was a bomber pilot in WW2 and he got captured and was sent to a concentration camp, but he would never speak of anything. Not one detail about it.But he sure took life by the horns afterwards. He became a very well accomplished doctor and lived to see 101! An amazing soul.

 

So tell me how you cope when you know you cannot control things? For me, this is just so scary. I wish I could just give into it, but I can't. I find it easier when I know what I have done, or what external circumstances have caused it. I am even thinking it could be the very small amount of red wine I had with dinner. It was about 4 sips, but knowing that it does have an effect on me in that it makes me depressed the next morning, it could well have triggered it. But please share your coping methods for dealing with this nightmare that plagues us....

 

I hope your day improved today - and for now I am holding on to the thought of a better tomorrow. Hopefully my brain will have done whatever it needs to do and give me a break... We shall see.

 

Thanks again so much for being there - and my thanks again to Hat for answering my prayer request. To have got myself out the door and complete 4 hours of work must have had someone looking over me. August is a tough month what with people on holiday, so I really cannot afford to cancel work at the moment...

 

Love and Light my brother,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Wow man we were going through exactly the same!! So sorry to here about that. So so sorry. 

 

To be fair my day has been better. Not too bad depression, just mostly a severe lack of motivation. That is really tough right now for me - the motivation. Every little thing is an effort. No get up and go - I'm sure you know this so well! Thankfully my brothers around at the moment and being able to mess about with him is doing we the world of good. I'm deeply struggling with feeling unlovable at the moment. My depression tends to hone it on my disability and make me feel like I should be dead. I think because firstly the way the disabled are treated in this country is national disgrace and secondly reading about eugenics. In some sense it fires me up, like 'I may be disabled but I have rights and I will fight for them' but equally when the depression hits bad I feel like my existence is worthless and I am unlovable. 

 

I completely understand pain circuits are less complex than emotions, but I have seen a bid change over these 8 years in my reaction to emotions. Once you feel you have the ability to act on a emotion or impulse or not, that has helped me a lot. For example, I don't get angry WITH people anymore, or not very much. I have worked on this very hard and the results have been pretty great. I would a few years back lash out a lot at family, taking out my frustration. Now I feel frustration and anger but I don't act on them. I just let the anger 'be there' but not act on it. Just because I feel anger doesn't mean I have to do anything with that anger. I can just ignore it or let it 'be there'. They say meditation increases the gap between the reaction and the external stimulus. So having that little extra gap I can say ok just stay calm with your actions. I merely using this as example that I have personally found that a patient meditation and mindfulness approach to life can pay off in some ways. Also Jesus has helped hugely for me. Again this simply what has subjectively helped me, not what I'm suggesting for anybody else. But when you really go over Jesus' teachings he really does stress the approach of 'turning the other cheek'. Approach life with a mentality of forgiveness and love, these are the fundamentals to me now. I would actually say Jesus is underrated as a spiritual teacher because he is so well known and well quoted. Mother Teresa said don't just admire Jesus, but try and BE him. 

 

Again what I am suggesting as advice is completely subjective and everybody has there own things that will work. But for me the key things are 1. Make love the centre of your world 2. Let go 3. Embrace silence and peace. Of course these aren't easy at all, but it has helped me a lot. I would say I've reached a point where I can let depression affect me but then move on without worrying about it. I would say I had this breakthrough due last year my world completely falling apart and sense I have nothing left to loose. I actually couldn't be bothered anymore with worry, it took up too much effort. Now I trust GOD'S PLAN. Let's see what happens. 

 

I have personally found love to be the biggest help to me. To meditate on it and make that my goal of life. So if I'm depressed but still being loving then I will be ok - since I believe that promoting love is more important than what I feel. I think if you can sort of get that distance from yourself, which is something that comes with meditation and mindfulness, it can really help. To see yourself as one of many millions of people suffering with depression, not just that isolating feeling of feeling it's just me. For me that's why this forum helps so much, seeing yourself as part of a bigger picture not completely alone. 

 

Anyway man the main thing for me is that YOU WILL FIND A PATH. In the last year I have started just scratching the surface of a potential pathway for me. I was purposeless for over 7 years. The purpose was to survive, now it feels more than that. I think when you can eventually get his therapy and continued prayer/mindfulness/meditation you can make big changes in your life. 

 

So I would say the above are my main coping mechanisms for coping with the lack of control. Jesus, Meditation/Mindfulness, Love - it's about waiting for that breakthrough moment of letting go! Once that has happened then everything changes. It will hit you like Paul - like a moment of conversion. 

 

Bear in my mind right now I'm in a fairly good mood LOL! So if I was worse of I would be struggling to promote these methods. As I say- all I'm saying is this is what works for me, nothing more. We are all different. But what I will say is I see myself from a few years ago in you A LOT. You remind me of myself so so much. I was NOTHING like now a few years ago. Completely different - always stressing, scared, desperate for control. But now here I am. In theory I should be worse since it's been longer without being healed but that hasn't transpired. So what I'll say is this  - I couldn't cope without having control, to point of severe OCD, now i would say being completely out of control is actually something I enjoy!! Yes I know I told you I am weird!! 

 

So all of the above is probably complete gibberish!! LOL!! But seriously well done for making work - what a soul you are man!! Serious bravery as usual from you!! So so much respect for you! 

 

I love you man and will be praying for you!! 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Glad you had a better day - and motivation issues I often find follows a bad of nasty depression - the aftermath is frequently a flood thoughts along the lines of "whats the bloody point...!". This is why it is tough during the Summer for me as work goes down to about 50%. When I have an appointment I have to go out and do it, and that kicks off my motivation, but if there is nothing until late afternoon or the evening, it is very difficult not to just hang around and feel sorry for yourself. Glad you have your brother there to help with such things! 

 

Today I was thinking more about what you were saying about not letting the mental stuff get a hold of us, and your whole metaphor of inviting your depression in for tea. It sounds very much like acceptance and commitment therapy. It is crazy how it works to actually just accept the feelings and get on with the day, on the understanding that the more you go about your normal life, the less time your brain has to dwell on these things, but when it does, just to have a "whatever" attitude towards it. But it is this attitude that I just cannot get my head around. I can't not notice it and its effects on me. You know when you bite into an ice cream and you get that sharp sensitive pain (assuming you have sensitive teeth!), it is like that. These stabbing mental pains. How can I just say, yeah go on, you carry on. I know it is meant to get easier, but like you said the other day, it is knowing how much work there is in front that makes it so difficult. If only this was pointed out earlier I would have found the energy to get on with it, but if I can't get my arse out of bed, then how am I going to manage this!! LOL.

 

Now when you speak of anger - I can do that! And I would never have you pegged as an angry person. But I suppose it is in all of us. It actually makes some people worse when they are shouting at me and I do not react. It is like they want a fight! But I am such a pacifist. Violence and shouting never solved anything. Wonderful that you can let it "be there". In fact the whole way you have spent your time to best remedy your situation is admirable. As I have said before, so many would give in, but finding your purpose clearly has done its job for you... and you will always be loved. You shouldn't concern yourself with this. And always be thinking of Heaven as your garden - all the seeds of love you sew here will be creating a plant there in the afterlife. I meditate on my home I have built there... and the garden that is surrounded by the rolling hills and the big river. All my plants and flowers there are what I want to remind me of the love I can give here on earth. Just imagine your garden... Gail's garden.. Hat's garden... Colours we haven't even seen down here. It will be truly amazing.

 

Today started out rough again, but telling myself that I wasn't at the very bottom as I was yesterday let me view some positive. I was reading a fair bit about the above acceptance therapy and trying to make sense of it all. I put it into practise when I went to work, then the supermarket. Saw a friend in the supermarket and chatted for about 5 minutes, then someone again at the petrol station. All that was going through my mind was "you have no idea I have mental health problems do you...". It is stuff like that I need to replace. I am living a normal life here! This is what normal people do - go to work, shopping and talk to people. Yes, I have work on myself to do still...

 

Right, I need to get myself in gear. I have a meeting with the Mental Health manager tomorrow. They called today - my complaint has clearly had an impact. I am not sure what will come of it. All I want is therapy. Forget pills, Just therapy. My anger will be tested here actually! But I will keep calm... I just hope for something positive to come out of it. My mum has asked to come along as she is properly pissed off with them, so hopefully she will cover the anger bit so I won't have to! LOL.

 

Will let you know how I get on.

 

Extra Love with todays light just so there is no doubt that you are indeed loved my brother

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Pleased things were a bit better today! Your doing so good and was actually thinking that since I've been down here you generally have been doing pretty well. Before that horrific depression since you started the natural remedies you seemed to be doing really well. So try and focus on that. Unfortunately there isn't a magic wand therapy most of the time so everything is more gradual, but it really seems things are going in the right direction for you. Also as you say as it's the summer you have more time with your thoughts and less work. I the fact you want to work is great and I remember you saying you enjoyed it the other day even though the day was so terrible. This is really encouraging and suggests it now about sort out those thoughts, so you can enjoy your spare time rather than it being so difficult. This is something i really think you can make great strides. If I can learn to live my thoughts, I'm really sure you can! 

 

Also really hope all goes well with mental health team tomorrow! Will be praying for that! Mums are great at these sort of things, at least mine certainly is!! So hopefully she can make something happen!! 

 

I feel completely what you a saying about acceptance. I mean I don't really practice what I preach too much, look how often I complain about my problems. I think the thing is even if it is just 2 days a week of acceptance and feeling self pity the rest for example, that still a big help. It's like the Dalai Lama says that 10 minutes of compassion meditation in the morning will change your day. He always repeats this. So certainly I'm not at a stage where I feel complete acceptance all the time, but just having some of the time is so beneficial I find. You can then hold onto that when you in a state of worry. You can remember 'hey yesterday I felt fine about my situation and just accepted what I faced'.  

 

On a similar theme I had one of my dream state moments today. I had a small one when I described to you seeing all the white fluff floating, but today was another one of just being in the field and just some almost heaven state. I could see horses, cows, sheep in the field and in the distance, flowing green hills, the village church. I just felt completely PRESENT. I had no idea of time - it stood still. I had both my hands on my head and I think my mouth was wide open in amazement. I was looking at God creation and I was like 'hang on a minute, this is completely mind blowing!!'. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I then pointed my arms to the sky in gratitude to God. Then all the way back I was repeating to myself a mantra that I had read the night before by Richard Rohr - which is 'Beauty Back' - as in reflect God's beauty back to others. Man those are the moments you live for. That's now in my memory bank and will sustain me for a while. A moment of transcendence - just thinking about is giving me tingles and shivers. I have to so so so grateful for God for giving me these moments, you can't describe them. Even a few seconds off transcendence is just so powerful. If that is what I can feel on earth, imagine Heaven!!!! Seriously man the future is so so bright for us. What lies in wait for us is going to be incredible and will make all our pain worth it. It like the joy of a child but just with that added intelligence to link it to God. What I do know though is that moment came out of my suffering and what I have learnt through the suffering. 

 

I so so pray some of that celestial wonder can float down to you!! Thank you for your love man!! 

 

I will be praying. 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Just a heads up man - there may be a trigger or two in here. I feel it is right to share with the forum what has happened today.

 

I went to my meeting today, along with my parents for supporting my case as they made the complaint on my behalf. I was a bit of a wreak as I woke up feeling suicidal. I could barely make it to my car let alone drive. I am sure the meeting had something to do with my state. We were called in to see the manager and my case worker and it took me a while before I could speak. I chose to sit on the corner away from everyone.

 

Having explained about what had happened on previous occasions when I didn't get any support, my mum was flooded with tears. It was a horrific site for a son to see his mother like this. The mental health workers tried to blame me in saying that I had not attended any meetings that had been set up. There had been none - and they knew this. I called them a word that I cannot repeat on the forum and I am not proud of it. My father calmed things down fortunately. I said my anger would be a problem!

 

They then said they would reinstate my services and arrange therapy and they would call when they had arranged a date. I told them that I didn't believe them after every time I heard them say this. My parents chimed in at this point as they have been making contact for me for the last 3 months and they have had the same treatment. So... they have agreed to  meet me again in 2 weeks, but which time they will have a date. 

 

It has taken me all day to calmed down, but I am still not quite there and very scared for what the morning will bring in terms of thoughts of today. I am fortunate that my wife is having a better day and she has been a brick for me today. 

 

Sorry, this is all I can do for now. I wanted to help Hat etc out with the flood of enquiries we have had on the forum today - so my head is really overloaded, but I want to talk about a couple of things in your reply yesterday so will cover tomorrow at some point.

 

Apologies if this is a bit full-on, but people need to know what the NHS are all about, and just what they are capable of doing to mental health patients...

 

Thanks for being there man. I tried to imagine you in the room with me at the meeting today - it helped...

 

I love you brother.

 

God Bless

[fishinghat]

Don't apologize IUN. We have all been in similar situations. I went through 2 weeks of unrelated court hearings in the middle of my withdrawal. Imagine what I was like. Oh, I don't even want to remember that. I got so angry I beat my fists against the wall until they were bloody. Been to Hell and not going back.

[invalidusername]

Bless you Hat. I recall us speaking of this some time last year. What became your fate from your work is something that no man should have to endure.

 

Your presence here today is a testament to the tolerance that God can help pull us through.

[LDN]

No apologies needed at all man. I'm just so sorry for both you and your family to have to face that. Having to be with people who clearly don't understand your condition at all but act like they know best is just a horrible and very scary feeling. I can really relate so much to what your feeling. It is frankly disgraceful what you and your parents have had to face. Absolutely appalling. But well done for facing it and coming out the other side. Seriously proud of you! Not sure I would have been able to endure that. God bless your mother! So tough for you having to see that, but it just shows how much she loves you. Again I'm really really proud of you having come through that! 

 

Hopefully now this can finally be that breakthrough for therapy. I will be praying for you! 

 

Also brother now is time to look after yourself. Give yourself some time off and just breathe. Show your self some self love. I have had my own mother in floods of tears after a mental health meeting and the emotional intensity is huge. These things take so much out of us. Just be really kind to yourself the next few days and take things easy. ANYBODY would be seriously drained after what you faced today. So please man just look after yourself and feel no pressure to do stuff. Give things a few days to settle. From my end only come on here when you up for it and ready. 

 

I'm also really pleased your wife has been doing well and could be there for you. In adversity is when love really comes to the fore. 

 

You know where I am and remember I love you so much man!! 

 

We are a team and we'll get through this together!! 

 

I love you brother 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Thanks for understand yesterday - it really has done a number on me.... and my mum. Bless her. Not quite sure how to describe it. Ironically the depression wasn't there aside from some dread first thing. But I just had the most overwhelming sense of stress. It was stressful just laying in bed. I couldn't even face making a cup of tea. I couldn't calm down at all. Goodness knows how I managed the 2 hours I did work, but it stayed the same throughout. I just felt like I couldn't take anything. Not anxiety, just an overwhelming urge to run... somewhere.. anywhere, but it wouldn't have helped. I was just trapped. Does that make any sense?!

 

Anyway, this had to be expected and I sincerely hope that today was the worst of it. Will have to see what tomorrow brings... I need to confidence of some reduced psychological symptoms. Again, 9pm hit and it started to lift a bit. 

 

So going back to meditation. I agree with you completely about the balance of it - and how just a small amount can make the difference. My issue is that I cannot do it when I need it the most. I just cannot calm my mind at all. All these mental random pictures come into my head. I focus back to my breathing, but they always take over somehow. But I forgot to say that earlier last week I did have an amazing moment one night when my mind was completely still - and like you said, there was no concept of time or anything. I was somehow inside my head and it was a vast mass of emptiness - which is not much further from the truth for the last few days!! But I was picturing completely open space with nothing to think of or anything to think with. But your images sound a lot nicer! I am trying to still my mind completely as that is the problem that I always have, just trying to shut it down, or at least hold it back a bit... 

 

I think the issue is when we are in Heaven we see our trip down here as something like a holiday - a very quick journey - almost like a day course or something and we forget that we have to consider time down here! But yes, what lies is wait we can only but imagine. We will indeed know what it is all about. And I am sure we will say to each other.. what on earth were we moaning about!! LOL. We really need to make what we can from our suffering - again, you are right. I sure know that when I am through this, I am not going to waste a single minute doing all I can. 

 

Thanks again man - love and light as always

 

God Bless

[LDN]

I'm sorry man but it is totally to be expected I think after what happened yesterday. Still massive well done for getting through work. I can imagine how stressed you are feeling. I went through a period of intense stress second half of last year. It will pass. It just a massive grind for you right now and can empathise so much with that. Absolutely understand about feeling trapped. A bit like feeling claustrophobia. I've felt that a lot. 

 

Wow man that sounds like such a beautiful moment. Hold onto to moments like that. Those moments should become more and more regular. Of course it is so hard to settle the mind in the midst of it racing. I think the best thing to do is just meditate on the depression. Sort of focus on it and look at what it's doing to you. As you a scared of spiders and you are made to hold one. But also more than that, by looking at the depression and what you are feeling and what emotions are there, it should create a sense of distance with you and the depression. You may be able to see it from a different perspective and feel slightly more detached. Depression is an illness, it serves no evolutionary purpose as far as I know. So you think about that and realise what you are experiencing is a form of an illusion. So by really focusing on the depression rather than try and run from it, you might be able to create some distance and potentially it them may have less hold over you. This is really hard and as the natural response to intrusive thoughts is to block them or fear them and then this just magnifies them. Also making any progress with meditation can take a long time, everybody's different. The great thing is you are having some nice moments and you can build on that. 

 

Also if we did choose to this life for ourselves from a position of greater wisdom than we are in now - then should we not back that judgement. From a place of peace and calm we make this decision. I try and think about that and helps with acceptance. 

 

I think another acceptance for you and me is just that we can feel depressed without getting worked up about it. In the short term just to accept we are going to have some bad days. It's horrible to deal with absolutely but from a logical stand point over analysing it won't actually help and will probably make things worse. 

 

Obviously all these things are so tough but do try, despite the fact I find these things very hard to put into practice. Just the fact that you do meditate and do come on the forum curious about it, is in itself a real positive sign of your will power and determination. All we can do man is try our best. You are certainly doing this in unbelievably tough conditions and hope you can be so proud of yourself!!

 

We have a little chapel here. My mum and dad turned a room into a sort of altar space and I was praying for you there last night man. Interestingly my dad was telling me that the picture of Christ on the altar was smuggled out of the Soviet Union by my Grandfather. It make me think of your story about the figure that appeared while they were giving out Bibles! 

 

Really hope tomorrow is okay. Hopefully the next few days things will ease. 

 

I will be praying! 

 

So proud man! You're doing so well! 

 

Love you 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Thanks for the words this morning. You really understand the levels of stress going on. And the feeling I was trying to describe yesterday, and which endured the first half of today was your "mental claustrophobia". It is a perfect way of describing the feeling. You simply cannot run away from it - enough to make you feel you are going insane. I don't mind saying, there was an hour during the course of yesterday when I honestly thought this was the case and that I would end up at the funny farm.

 

Today has seen an improvement - I just had to stop myself thinking that it would all turn on me again at any moment. I woke and was able to meditate for about an hour, which helped a lot. I also managed another hour between work. Just as well as there was 6 hours of it today - and a long trip to Tesco. But this evening I feel myself again and was able to complete some art work which has given me a huge boost. I just need to be patient and remember that these things do pass like you say.

 

I like your way of looking at the depression during meditation. It reminded me of when a therapist used to give me a TED talk to watch each week and when I couldn't get through one, she would make me watch it saying that you cannot shy away from it. How true. You will never cure from depression or anxiety unless you can face it head on and stare it down. I like the idea of being able to create distance from it as you say. I will continue with my meditation as hopefully see things slowly pan out.

 

Regarding our choices for our life plan - there are a number of "theories" that I have read about - some more plausible than others. One talks of the plan going via a council who vet the plan for its validity by comparison to those who have completed similar events in their lives, and after consideration by looking at the results through the Akashic records, they approve, deny or suggest change. I can see how such a system would work, but I am sure there are things that we will not know about how things work like this until we get there. Testimony of Light is very honest in saying there are things which she won't know for a long time and that it is not a case that you are all knowing as soon as you pass over. But I love reading about it.

 

Thank you for your prayers and that room sounds lovely - and glad you remembered the story about Russia. It truly is a testament to showing us that we really are looked over when we need it most.

 

So.. you have been down in the country now for is it 1 week or 2? My memory can't keep up! Whichever, it is great for all this change of environment. Again, just hope the quiet doesn't get too infectious for you and London becomes a bit much on your return. I had a look at your part of the town on Google maps, not remembering it from when I passed through it, and it sure looks very busy compared to my neck of the woods. Did you ever see the agoraphobia documentary on BBC a few years back where they took 3 people and put them through a week of exposure culminating to a trip to Japan? It is quite difficult to sit through, but the "specialist" in anxiety I sure think needs a good slap. People cannot be cured from that level of anxiety in a week! Day 1 was getting them out the front door - and then on bus rides, boat rides, crowds - the poor people! It can't be done that quickly...

 

Was at my parents again earlier today and there was all that white fluffy stuff going thru the air again - it really is quite therapeutic. Might try to include some of this in my meditations...

 

So catch me up on how things are going for you down there...

 

Love and Light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man! Well I'm really pleased today was a bit better! 6 hours of work and Tesco!! That is amazing man! So pleased about your art as well!! You are doing so well!! Also great your getting in some serious meditation! Yeah I have found that meditation creates an effect of me observing myself from a distance, and the book I'm reading says this a common effect of meditation - observing the emotions rather than being overwhelmed by the feeling of them.  

 

I had a moment tonight when the terror just hit me and I felt like a different person. The last few days I have felt so positive about everything. I have been feeling great acceptance and contentment with my condition and my life. I have been excited about each day. Then this evening I was thinking about last year and the appalling withdrawal and I suddenly I had this feeling of being trapped. Whenever I think about dulox it just scares the hell out of me - with all the memories of last year. The whole situation was handled so badly coming off over 3 weeks and then being on absolutely nothing to ease the blow. From 120mg to nothing in the space of 3 weeks. Then pushed myself for 8 or 9 weeks with nothing at all, as was so desperate to get off it. Like what your saying about agoraphobia in a week, to have been for such a long length of time and just in 3 weeks to nothing is too much. I had no therapist at the time either. I tried to go to one, but was told after a session my condition was too complicated. I didn't have the energy to look for another. I was very close to going to hospital last year, we were calling up inquiring about it. Just terrifying what happened. 

 

Still I should look at the positives which is that the last few days the acceptance has been brilliant. That why this evening I was shocked. It was like my mind was looking at my situation in a completely different way. I suppose it is a testament to how much I managed to change the perspective of my situation and how I think that it was such a shock when a the 'old' state of mind came back tonight. Just now got to focus on prolonging that state of mind I had achieved of the last few days. 

 

So it's been good down here. I went into a new field today and did a big exposure - my first ever tree hug!!!!! LOL! I was reading last night about meditation and the author was saying how in his mindful state he found himself stroking the trees in awe of the texture. So I started doing this to this tree today and then thought lets go the whole way and went in for a hug. I felt pretty good actually in all seriousness. This old tree and feeling this deep connection with nature. It's physically tough here though man, with all the stroking and tickling of the cat. My poor arms LOL!! Last night we had a 40 minute session together and I was knackered after. I can't have her on my lap but can stroke her from pretty close, so it's not too bad! To be honest my biggest worry I think is missing her when I get back to London. 

 

She has so much emotional intelligence. Yesterday I had my head in my hands and she came up to me and put her paw on my leg! She thought I was sad! That really touched me!! 

 

Ok just back from giving her a good rub and boy I'm so tired LOL!! She walked in just as I was talking about her. She likes it when you stroke her really hard so it's exhausting but nice to please her!! Also she eat 2 mice in 10 minutes yesterday! Imagine! I think she might have had some indigestion after that! Also she eat half a rat as well, and left the rest in front of the tv! Intestines hanging out and everything! She is a proper feral cat! 

 

Yeah that white stuff is so lovely! Very dream like the way it floats through the air!!

 

I haven't seen that documentary but like you said a crazy approach!! 

 

So that cat cuddling has completely knackered me! 

 

I really hope tomorrow goes well!!

 

Love you man 

 

God bless

[invalidusername]

Glad to hear that you have been holding well for the last few days with your acceptance of your condition. Shame you had that horrible moment - I am thinking the punch in the gut and sudden electric shock all over type of thing? How I would love to be excited about the day when I wake! But that said, you have most of your issues in the evening. It would be good if you could get rid of the past concerning the Dulox. Was an unfortunate taper, but you at least have a reason and it will not be repeated. We try our best to live in the now and i know how important this is, but it is so difficult to remain... I will continue to get there.

 

It sounds very much like what happened to me at the start of the week. I had a string of really good days, and then that sucker punch on Sunday afternoon and it floored me. It kept me down for Monday, was clawing back on Tuesday, but then that awful meeting on Weds - and that put pay to the rest of the week! 

 

My stress disappeared overnight and I had a really good evening, but I woke up to the old depression again, which made me immediately think "oh sh*t - its you again is it". I have just not been able to clear it from my head. My immediate thoughts were "how am I going to fill the 4 hours before I see my friend", "what will I do if it doesn't clear"... "will this ever clear - I am having the worst week in a long time". Until you reach the inevitable state that you just can't find the fight in you anymore and nothing seems worthwhile.

 

I really need to work on my self-compassion. I judge myself so harshly. I was playing a game on my phone earlier for about 40 minutes and it hit me.. what a waste of time.. you have nothing better to do? But that is nothing compared to most people now! And why is it a problem? In the morning when I read my books, meditate, answer emails etc, I am thinking I am doing this because I can't go out and do "normal" stuff... but that IS normal stuff. I just focus so much on the negative aspects and judge myself. With the wife the way she is, it is no wonder I can't get too far. So many emotions going on...

 

However, a positive being that when I went to my friend, I got to the car and it wouldn't start. Nothing. I paniced a bit and then realised I had left the lights on overnight. I asked a couple of neighbours - they couldn't help, called my parents, but they were out, but then a van pulled up - a couple of stranger who I didn't want to converse with - but asked and 10 mins later I was away! So about 30mins of anxiety and off to my friends and arrived in a bit of state, but I just didn't let it get to me. I was in a safe environment with a family who knows and loves me. I was fine within about 20 minutes... and it didn't return. I just want to get there with my depression. 

 

So tree hugging!! Great. Used to do a bit of that back in the day. I think I have a few photos somewhere of me doing just that! And I really like the little stories about the cat. They do know when people need them - they are amazing psychic creatures. I think this is the first time in my life where I have been without a cat - but my parents have one - and I am there every other day, so I get to see him a fair bit. Just soak up what you can while you are there - but remember, you will be leaving on a high note to then return another time. You will always have the option of going back for more of your feline fix!!

[LDN]

A bit empty headed here man so apologise if it's a bit short today. Ok day, just the usual. Yeah punch in the gut, electric shock a great description. Had been framing my situation so well and then my brain slipped back to the old ways of looking at things and I panicked a bit. I still get my night depression, a few days recently it's been pretty rough. But since it's just before I go to bed, if I have to feel so bad it's probably the best time. Also once in bed I feel fine. The depression I get at the moment is one of complete lack of motivation and energy and colour. I just feel completely flat and empty. Sort of feel like wanting oblivion. So just getting into bed is a just what I feel like really. 

 

At the moment I feel very lethargic but not anything too uncomfortable. Every day is a learning process for me. Getting to grips with my mental injury and what I can do or can't. Just experimenting with things here and there. My meditation is my big get out of jail card. However bad I feel i almost always feel good about meditating. In bed I meditate before I sleep. So I can just say to myself 'let's just go and meditate' and that sort of keeps me going. 

 

In my book I'm reading it was saying how through meditation you can sort of look at your feelings without putting on a label - so I'm feeling this but it's neither good or bad. The author writes to 'separate the act of observation with the act of evaluation'. He talks about how natural selection shaped how we think and that it 'wants' us to experience things as either good or bad. He says with meditation we can judge less and therefore see things more clearly. The book sort of looks at meditation through an evolutionary psychology perspective. It really interesting, explains a lot of the science behind the success of meditation in dealing with anxiety as well as looking at life in a clearer way. 

 

Happy you managed to get to your friend and that it went well!! So you were a tree hugger!! Awesome! It has honestly never crossed my mind before, but will definitely do it again! Do you have any idea why cat are so psychic? Have done a degree is cat psychology by any chance?? LOL. Fascinating animals.

 

I think your spot on about the self compassion. It seems you are so hard on yourself when in fact with what you are facing you should be the opposite. I guess with me I have managed to be quiet kind to myself but it is more the judgement of others that scares me - a bit like your wife. Still I have made good strides in this regard despite years of isolation, so you will do the same with self compassion. It's like any form of training - you need lots of repetition. Maybe every day you should look back at the day and list all things you were proud to have achieved. Focus on all things you CAN do rather than what you can't. I not sure why you feel bad about going on the games on your phone, it almost seems your brain is looking to finds ways to undermine you. From my view point all I can see is bravery, courage and bloody hard work. So I definitely think you are analysing yourself in distorted terms - perhaps this is influenced by your depression. I'm sitting here in awe of you man, so is upsets me to here that your thoughts aren't being kind. Your a massive inspiration to me man!! I really what you to be able to see yourself like I see you! You will no doubt get there. To be fair there are times I feel annoyed and disappointed with myself for behaviours brought on by my depression, but mostly that was in the early years of depression. I think it's just important to realise we are fighting are huge illness that take massive guts to face and we are both doing a great job! 

 

Hope for a nice day tomorrow man!! 

 

Love you

 

God Bless