2348 replies to this topic

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

So happy I could help. Yeah i wasn't suggesting doing the 2 hours thing, just wanted you to know my background. Yeah how you describe the thoughts coming in, that is perfect! Come in and have a cup of tea - that exactly what I think. It is hugely helpful. Eventual you get to a point where you realise you can't keep running from them, so the best thing to do is make friends with them. This still takes time and practice, but is the way to go. As I say the thoughts themselves can't hurt you, it your reaction to them. At the beginning the habitual reaction is fear and terror to the thoughts and trying to push them out. Over time we can re-wire our thought patterns, so when negative thoughts come in, we now what to do and just flow with it. The fear you describe is very similar to what i felt. So the good news for you is things can much much better in terms of the thoughts! As I learned in CBT for OCD anything that your scared to do because it may cause anxiety do it, but obviously in moderation. The same with the thoughts, any thought you don't like, then welcome it in. I'm really excited and optimistic for you now. It will be tough but you can do it, and it will make a huge difference to your life and peace of mind. Also though a therapist definitely helps, especially for exposures, I did all this thought stuff without a therapist and I didn't even have a forum. I did it all on my own and it worked great! But as I say it takes time to fully adapt. 

 

The thought of leaving the house scared the absolute hell out of me for years. So I really have to push myself at times to open the door and enter the big bad world. One way I think of it, is that in the past I was scared to leave my room and go into other parts of the house, especially if other family members were there. I overcame this and made my self spend less time in my room. So now I'm just expanding from my house to the streets. The same process of spending less time in my room. I just want to slowly and steadily expand my world. My aim and motivation is live with no fear of anything. So at the moment I have to keep on working on the fear of going out. 

 

Your love and friendship has already helped me so much. It's me who should be thinking of ways to pay you back, not you!!!! 

 

I'm so happy to hear you had a good day!!! Brilliant news!! In terms of my day just the usual. Had my walk. Today it was really pretty easy, so I need to remember that for the days it goes badly!! So enjoyed my walk. The weekends are slightly less busy, but still plenty of people. The pubs and bars are more busy though! 

 

Finished Rinpoche last night. So we can talk about that later on. That should be fun. 

 

Anyway lovely to talk man. Feel a bit lonely, which I have suffered with on and off for a while, but spiritual and exposures wise things are starting to settle. 

 

Have a great Sunday! 

 

Love 

 

God Bless

[gail]

My sweet London,

Here is a phrase meant for me, I'll share it with anyone who needs it. Pinterest.

GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOUR PAIN
A REASON FOR YOUR STRUGGLES
AND A REWARD FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS
TRUST HIM AND DON'T GIVE UP!

The last days have been hard on depression. Gosh, what an Illness!

[invalidusername]

Crikey - I have only once been at the point of not wanting to leave the room, and that only lasted a few hours - and that was a while ago now, but for that to endure must have been hell for you. As you know, I have always pushed myself, but so often too much. Like it was discussed before, we should only push ourselves when it is healthy to do so. We must always find that border between whether we are choosing not to face fears for health reasons, or whether it is genuine anxiety. That line for me is way too blurred, and I can never give myself compassion when it is called for.

 

This week I did all of my work, nothing cancelled, I had a long meeting for Uni and I had my car MOT. That for me is a successful week, but come today I am still telling myself that I should not be sat indoors and that I should be out visiting places and doing the usual Sunday rat-race thing. Why can't I let myself just rest!! My thoughts just ambush me! This is why the meditation is in practise... I did go out for a 40 minute walk and whilst was uncomfortable as there was so many people, I did feel better for it, but still was beating myself up.

 

So.. to live with no fear of anything? How amazing that would be. But as you have said, there are those that have managed this, and if that is your goal, then that is what you are to achieve. Coming from your position and your cirumstances, you are better laid out to achieve this as you have endured some of the most fearful stuff. You can look back and say to yourself, I have met worse - I can handle this. Even the Ketamine might be something that was meant to happen purely for this purpose..!? 

 

I also find myself scared to get back to the point I was a few months ago. When I went out for a walk, I would be thinking... just get to the next lamp post and you can turn around if you want... then the next one. I think of that now and I should be proud of myself, but instead I just worry that I could go back there! Damn self saboutage... I really need this therapy. As much as I love my wife, she cannot offer this for me. She is more scared than I am, so of course she will not be able to offer support, or give me that push I sometimes need. 

 

Anyway. Rinpoche. Still half way. Fiction has had the upper hand for the last few days. As I said, it all comes down to mind set. But yes, we can absolutely discuss this once I have finished.

 

So how was your day? Did you have the same lovely weather up in the City? Even NM turned the heating off up North!

 

Love and Light my brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

Going to have to be a bit short tonight because I have an early start. Well for me an early start LOL!!

[LDN]

Sorry didn't mean to post that. Don't know what happened there!! 

 

My timings are all over the place at the moment! Anyway yeah absolutely about self compassion. Every personality is different. I have plenty of rest time in my day. I have my 2 hour siesta, I spend time in my room, the garden walks. At times I have to be a bit ruthless and realise that if I become a mess that's not good for my family so I make sure I stick to my routine. Obviously over time it's important to be flexible, as my p doc is often telling me but I'm ill and pushing my body more than it can take won't help anybody. I try to listen to my body. It can be confusing to managed those two contrasting pulls - 1. exposures and pushing yourself 2. Listening to your body and caring for yourself. My ME doctor told only ever do 50% of what you think you can! This went right against my CBT and you can imagine how confused and stressed I got!! How do I know what 50% is etc. In end I just didn't bother going out at all, I used his warning to pace myself as an excuse to not face my fears!! So it's very complicated! I often think on my walks should I do this and then ask myself 1. If I don't do it is it because I'm sacred of doing it or 2. Is doing pushing myself too much!! It's super tough at times! I've found the best approach to realise I will make mistakes and accept that. Don't be hard to myself when I get things wrong, it's inevitable, I'm not God, be at peace with my humanity. 

 

Yes man what a great week!! You should be so proud of yourself!! I so happy! After last weekend WOW! That's insane! Man you are such a hero, seriously!! 

 

I know self-compassion is so tough, but from my perspective I think your doing INCREDIBLE!! I think it will come, I was a bit like you for while last year and now I think I am able to pat myself on my back more often!! I think slow and steady is a good way! 

 

Again sorry for having a bit of scrambled mind. My mum came back from a wedding in France late tonight, so was talking to her and then things got delayed! Then i realised I got my osteopath tomorrow and I've become a bit stressed! 

 

My day was pretty good thanks! Pretty calm and yes lovely weather this afternoon for my walk!! 

 

Also no rush with the book. It's a good scheme to have of mixing it up. I would like to be like that but right now I don't really have much interest in anything outside of spirituality. That's what excites me at the moment. I plan to go back to novels but at the moment I'm not really feeling in the mood. 

 

Again I'm sorry for my scrambled mind! 

 

Love to you and your wife brother 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail I love that!! 

 

Thank you for sharing it!!! 

 

You are going through such a tough time right now!! I know this illness all too well- what an illness hey!!!

 

I will be praying!! 

 

Je t'aime ma crapaud!!!

[invalidusername]

You are right there with the contrasting pulls - exactly what I am forever thinking. And absolutely - how do you know what 50% is!! LOL. That would simply add more stress!

 

Thank you for your kind words. It is good that someone is being compassionate towards me, even if it isn't myself! I really hope it will come as I think it is a very important part of the road to recovery. Speaking of which, I have a rather nasty spate of derealisation today. Felt like I was in a computer game, or a dream where I was the only real person and everything else was artifitial. It is so horrible because you just feel alone and quite scared. I didn't put all the pieces together until about 9pm when I realised that it has been 7 days since I dropped my Citalopram dose by 5mg. It didn't even cross my mind as the last time I did that, it was 10mg and it didn't have any effect on me, but all this chopping and changing has made me super sensitive to it, so I have obviously had a mini withdrawal from that. Hopefully, it will leave me alone tomorrow.

 

Glad your walk went well, and if you are on a spirituality moment with your reading, then just great. Lap it all up. Absorb, ingest and be happy! Do what excites you and makes you feel most passionate. I will usually read that sort of stuff earlier in the day, and fiction to wind down at night around this time. 

 

One thing I wanted to ask, is how you get on with your solitary time. I have always had a problem with getting through the time between waking up and working. Because of what I do, I generally do not start work until at least 4 hours after I wake. As we all know, the morning are the hardest and when thoughts like to ambush the most, so I find that not HAVING to do anything is a real danger. Due to anxiety and/or depression, there are limited things that I find that I can do, and I try my best not to trawl the internet looking for posts of other people going through the same thing as it only brings me further into the web. I try to meditate, but it is very difficult, and I will read spirituality or self-help, but my thoughts are always overpowering. Part of me just shouts to go out for a walk, but usually by that time I have wound myself up too much, and if I am not careful the anxiety will get quite intense so by the time I have to go to work, I can be quite badly engulfed by it. I never stop myself as when I get going with work, it usually abates. I just wish I could get my head round this. Obviously every other Janet and John gets up, shower, breakfast and out the door, but with nothing to have to do, it is very difficult to motivate. So just wondering how you find this, and what you do to motivate and find ways to best control these times?

 

Sorry to keep asking this advice from you as you are trying to rest, and do not feel like you need to elaborate too much...!

 

The wife sends her regards and says she is going to really make a conscious effort to help with her OCD. Its a hopeful step in the right direction...

 

Much love,

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man, 

 

Right so about the down time I really feel you there. I really struggled in the first few years of depression with being on my own with my mind. So I would always read the paper or watch tv with meals for example. This was before the neurological problems from the Lyme. I simply couldn't be alone with my mind. The thought of it terrified me. Then I got the Lyme in 2013 and by 2015 I started the locking my self in the bathroom, contemplation time. Now I'm really weird to have that done that and I certainly am not suggesting it, but that for me was the moment I started to get more comfortable with my thoughts. It sounds to me like your scared of your thoughts and then work provides that distraction. As I had psychotic depression I know what be scared out of your mind with your thoughts feels like. It was the dominant factor of my life for 4 years or so. So while I'm not suggesting locking yourself in the bathroom for one minute, for me forcing myself to be with my thoughts and have nothing to distract me was the moment of breakthrough. Now I would say that I greatly enjoy solitude and silence. I always have my meals for example without doing anything else, like before. Also going in the garden, sometimes I'm slightly scared of just walking back and forth for 10 to 20 minutes with in theory no purpose, but actually I really enjoy it. Some nights I can't sleep for 2 hours, I don't get stressed but generally just enjoy the peace and think about things. So as I say I'm really weird, and I don't remotely suggest going to extremes I went to. But I think if you have that openness just to be with your thoughts that can help a lot. I remember when I was in Germany for my Lyme treatment. Generally it was a very busy morning with lots of treatments. Then one day I had nothing on, and I was like what do I do. So I just woke up and just stood in the bathroom for an hour. So what I'm saying is if you can overtime get to that point when you feel at peace with your thoughts, I think that will make a huge difference with your mornings. So for example one thing I do now which I really enjoy is after my shower, just standing there in my towels and just chilling. I don't rush to dry myself but just stand and think and take stock of things. 

 

Personally in the mornings I like to give my mind some space. I don't go online or anything till a good few hours after I've woken up. I get up, do my teeth, shave, but do it in a leisurely manner. Then I do my exposure out in the street and then I go in the garden. So i just sort of ease myself into the day. This was why I chose the mornings as when to lock myself in the bathroom. I read in another of Rinpoche books that the morning was probably the best time to meditate, which I found my experiences sort of backed up. 

 

So I think the main thing is just working on losing that fear of being just you and your thoughts. Now as I say super tough but if you had seem the state of me in the early years of depression you would never have thought I could have done what I have, so don't doubt yourself. I was much much worse than you in terms of thoughts because at least you have the bravery to talk about. I was so sacred of my thoughts I couldn't even talk about them, they that much control over me. 

 

I keep thinking of ideas that might help, but maybe you could sort of put your free mornings as a sort monastery time, whether Buddhist or Christian. A time to just take stock, refresh and re charge your batteries for the rest of the day, and then see where you mood takes you. Just maybe turn that time into a positive part of your day, rather than counting down the clock till it's over. Maybe in time the more you enjoy it, the quicker it'll go. 

 

Of course this might be of no help, but I'm just trying to think of what helped me. And as I have mentioned I'm weird when it comes to silence and solitude, but this certainly wasn't always the case. 

 

Aww the depersonalisation. I went through that and your description feels very similar to my experiences of it. I've stopped having it now, so hopefully you will be the same. But yes the feeling of being alone is incredibly uncomfortable to put it mildly. I felt desperately isolated when I was in it. So I will pray for that, I can empathise so much having been there. 

 

Today wasn't a great day for me, sort of fears about what the future holds with all my problems. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other, in sort of metaphorical terms. Just completely focus on the present, live solely in the moment. I know with my brain it can throw me something out of the blue, like the reading coming back really out of the blue, so that gives me hope. So keep it simple and one day at a time. 

 

The depression is lingering around, and can be pretty painful, especially just before bed I find I feel very desolate at the moment but once in bed I'm ok. So it's quite a good time for the depression to come in a way. 

 

So happy to for the news of your wife! Great to hear! That's fantastic! 

 

Sorry for a long post, but I guess I just was thinking out loud if you like with ideas for your mornings. 

 

Love you brother

 

God Bless

[gail]

Lovely post London,

I'm in the same boat as IUN concerning the mornings. And have been for such a long time. Anxiety and fear are there, then comes the tears. Mornings are the worst for me. Thanks for your suggestions. Love you both!

[invalidusername]

Thanks ever so for this reply. I had such a strange set of circumstances today - and this will probably make you laugh, but I ended up thinking about thoughts!! I ended up analysing things about them. That if thoughts are just thoughts and are nothing more, why do we feel good when we have nice thoughts - and the reverse must be true. Then it is a case of just not having bad thoughts again. Setting up some form of filtering system. If it is good, then carry on, if not, still invite it in and manage it. I am overthinking thinking... can you believe it!! 

 

Then yes, there is the living in the now. I can see where you really have got this going on. There must be a real torment after the Ketamine, but this really will not be the rest of your life. You are recovering from the Lyme, and that will have a huge impact. You know it will. A real shame that it has taken this time to get to the point whereby you can manage your exppsures and so forth, but the focus is it being there - that it is a phase forward that before. This is how I am trying to look at my own future. Trying not to look at last week - finding the bigger picture as so much can happen in the course of a week, or even 3 months. I am trying to see that this switch from the Lexapro has been bad, but looking back to the Cymbalta days, there is a big improvement for sure. So less of the thinking about 9 months of suffering, and more on the fact that I have survived it and can only come out stronger. Then with your spirituality, you will be unstoppable when you come out the other side of this!!

 

I am sorry to hear that the depression is still lingering, but a positive that the bed offers support - just like our Gailage! If in doubt, hit the sack! I find that depression can prevent my sleeping, but I am fortunate that it gets me in the morning, and latest when I come home from work, but it usually goes before midnight, so I get a clear few hours. Strange how it all works, but again we all have to consider the meds that have been in and out of our system and try to accept what is happening. I feel so much better if I can put the blame on something other than "just me" causing the depression. Odd that I can allow myself to cause anxiety though. 

 

Anyway - I need to turn in. I am finding myself a lot more tired this week - quite possibly the overthinking again. That tends to happen. Had a little more derealisation again today, but not as bad. I did have a couple of moments at work where I was just staring right through the client and they had to snap me out of it and back to reality. Quite embarassing really - I just had to apologise and say I was overtired...

 

We carry on as best we can!!

 

Much love and light to you.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Not feeling too good tonight my friend and got an early start! 

 

Depression just seeping back in right now! Feeling that hopelessness and loneliness and futility. As you can imagine my depression makes me think more about my physical problems, i rubs it in my face!! I must say I'm not practising what I preach at the moment really getting depressed about the future, even though I have no idea what it holds for me!! Just hate this limbo of not being so ill I am going to die but not being well enough to do anything! Just stuck in this place where I have no dreams or aspirations because I feel I'm too ill. This leaves you a bit lost. 

 

The last two days have been very bad physically. I just don't get whats going on. This has happened many times before, just these random swings of energy for no reason. Really weird! Both yesterday and today I was on the verge of collapsing after my walk in the garden, just felt so exhausted. Yet only like 3 days ago physically was feeling strong!! Just frustrating that things always have be so up and down. But this has always been the way for me, it's never been a straight line. 

 

It's interesting that on my walk I was pretty uncomfortable, yet previously I have found it pretty easy. It's exactly the same walk, nothing external has changed, but the nature of depression just makes it feel complete different experience on various days. I've noticed this many times before but it's interesting how depression works. Like today i'm like 'What the hell am i doing??' while on the walk and then 2 days ago it was like 'I'm really enjoying this!'. 

 

I must say my spirituality is really helping me a lot right now. I feel pain and lonely, but it sorts of cushions the blow. I've reach a nice sort acceptance of God's will (or mine and God's will - as you rightly pointed before). If i just think - God's plan - it always soothes me a lot. Spirituality is a very powerful thing, I never really realised how much strength it can give you before recently. 

 

Anyway so a bit confused and lost about where I go next - especially with my physical symptoms worsening but I've got therapy tomorrow so we'll see what that brings. I guess I'm just confused at my weakness stopping my exposures from continuing and that is frustrating and upsetting. 

 

As you say we keep on going as best we can! 

 

Love my friend 

 

God Bless

[invalidusername]

Good evening brother...

 

Sorry to hear about the depression making a comeback. Are you aware of what might have caused it, or is it just one of those that happens... just because? I have real difficulty with those as there is no reason, it sends me more into a deeper hole knowing I cannot control it. Obviously at the back of your mind is the future of your wellbeing, so is it that you repay this same theme a visit every now and again, and other times you can let it ruminate to itself in the background? You can still have dreams and aspirations - and some of which you have discovered and taken to already. Just look at how your have done with your spirituality. 

 

The mention of how your walk changes from one day to the next sums it up completely. It is the same with so much of our condition. When nothing has seemingly changed, we can find ourselves absolutely unmotivated, unable, or just too anxious to do something we accomplished the day before. I wish I had an answer for you. 

 

I am also compelled to tell you that I too have been struck down after a good patch. I am not yet sure if it is the reduction in Citalopram from last week - of whether it is still my whole thinking stuff. But the anxiety was non-existant. So I just carried on with my day. I did all my work, spent some time with my parents, did some work on the car and popped in to see a friend - but this still didn't help to get rid of any of the depression. I just cannot get round this time when I wake. I wish I had the stamina to get up, have breakfast and go for a run or a swim or something. But I am just too fragile for that at the moment. It will pass... when I don't know, but I am trying to stay in the now as best I can.

 

Sometimes we cannot see the true nature of the happiness. Courtesy of the lovely NM, I have a wonderful book which uses an overcast sky to help picture unhappiness. Once in a while a blue patch opens up in the sea of grey which is the happiness beneath, but it isn't until we discover the hapiness behind that we realise that the unhappiness is a mask, not an opposite. You can BE happy - it is not an objective experience, however as unhappiness is not part of the true mind, we cannot BE unhappy, this is an objective experience. Really makes you thing about what the mind is doing behind the scenes and how the brain just gets in the way. I think it is just like our spirit self and this crude matter we call a body here. We can cut our legs off over here, but we can run as fast as the wind in Heaven. The brain just gets in the way so much. It serves to do a job - and most of us use it and trust far too much of our lives path to it, when we should be breaking through to the mind and let that lead the way.

 

Anyway. That is my bit for today. I can see why you read this sort of stuff so much. I can see that it has the potential to re-focus the mind and get a new perspective on how things come about. Much like you, I want to be able to achieve the point where these things no longer worry me. That I know I can deal with it. I have friends who have got through depression and they say they can always lean back on their "tools" if they feel something coming back, but I want something that is always there in the background which keeps me in the right state of mind. No tools. Just the right way of observing the mind, the world and everything else.

 

Look forward to hearing from you - feel free to let go anything you need to. I am here for you...

 

God Bless.

[LDN]

That means so much brother, you letting me get things off my chest! I am so grateful!

 

It's just the way my depression seems to function - wild swings are just how it seems to function. I'm not bi polar, becuase when i feel good, it's not manic but just good, but it's a very up and down type of depression. Ultimately it all goes back to my withdrawal from dulocetine this time last year. Every since I have come off, things haven't been right with my brain. Even though going back on helped a lot, things then just are stuck in these state of not critically bad but pretty bad. I haven't really moved much in terms of mood since last October. Maybe a small improvement, but this is the longest run of depression i have had in my life. Always before it would pick up after 5 or 6 months, but this time it hasn't. I'm in unchartered territory. Before I came off duloxetine my depression had under control, my mood pretty good - but since then I've never been able to get back to that level. it's just a mess - mental health treatment. This meds can definitely help, but they cause havoc as well. I just think so people's brains aren't made for these meds. My p doc said she has some patients who she can throw any med at them and they just have no side effects at all, they don't get better but they can anything and not notice. I'm the opposite the slightest change and my brain can't cope! I think because the nature of my depression is so unpredictable you add in the side effects of meds and it's ust anarchy. I have no idea what's causing what, and that obviously adds to my anxiety hugely. Thinking about it now, I can't help but feel absolutely grim about the whole situation. Not sure how i come back from the mess of last summer. 

 

It's why mental health really is such an absolute beast. The treatment used causes such huge problems. You end up wondering if you would have better never having touched a drug at all. I sometimes think if i had lived 100 or 200 years ago if I would be better off or not. Feeling trapped on a drug is just a horrible feeling. I can't say if my depression would have got better in the past without medication because since it took 5 or 6 months, it could have just been natural. In my first depression I had in 2011, I didn't get any treatment and it got better naturally. But the trauma of living with it in silence was devastating. And if all of this you have to make big decisions all the time about your treatment. You should I try this or that? You I reduce the dose? Your so stressed anyway and then you have to make these huge decisions!! Mental health is brutal. 

 

Anyway you can see I'm in a good mood today lol!!!!!! I've got too be honest in a way having so many ailments and problems makes things easier. Obviously my physical and neurological problems are tough and they do worry me often, but it makes the depression seem less pivotal. I mean that even if the depression got better I would still have a lot of problems to fix. Whereas if it was just the depression I would feel so close to being well, and just so stressed that if it wasn't for depression I would be fine. Now with so much wrong with me, I'm just like I have too much to worry about so just going to not bother. I just don't have the energy to know where to start, so I just let God do wants he wants with me and let go. 

 

The spirituality is just so important because it transcends your brain and body. So even though I have these problems, there is something for me to aim for and work on. In fact being ill like me is actually a positive for growing your spirituality!! So from a spiritual perspective being ill is actually good thing!! If my aim is to transcend the body and prepare myself as well as possible for the next life, then my illness is a blessing really! I'm not going to have this body or brain when I die, but I will my spirit - so what makes more sense to work on? What will survive death - the spirit. It so bizarre that people place so much emphasise of possessions, wealth when those things don't carry over in the next life. I mean when you think about it like that - it makes the people to focus purely on material wealth seem nuts!! I mean your Ferrari or Rolex isn't going to be coming with you. I mean if your into that sort of thing that's fine, it's just their is a bigger picture here that particularly in our society many seem to miss. 

 

The fact I'm only 26 and have this knowledge is what really excites me and makes me hopefully and less depressed. I hope I don't sound arrogant but I'm just trying to see the positive in my situation and give myself some self love. I mean I've only really been into spirituality since 2016 and only started reading on it last October or November, so I'm pretty excited in terms of where I'll be in 3 or 4 years!! So in the regards to my spirituality the future is pretty exciting! 

 

See I started in despair writing this post and now I feel much better having thought things through and thought on what you had written. If got to keep my focus on the mind but my illness! Thank you so much man for this wisdom. So happy to have met another soul on a spiritual journey!! 

 

Sorry about your day! But you stuck to your tasks and got a lot done - that's all you can do. You didn't let it control you!! Again sorry about the morning, it will come but just as you say live in moment and small steps!! 

 

I will pray for tomorrow! 

 

Thanks for listening as usual!! 

 

Love and God Bless

[gail]

Sweet London,

You know, if people were as sick as us, the material would no longer count. They would be fighting for their health to come back and say Fuck the Rolex. Love you my prince!

[invalidusername]

PM today man!! Check your messages... 

[gail]

My sweet London,

If all goes well, today I will walk, with music in ears, towards the park. I won't make it I one shot, but hope to achieve this by mid June. Thanks to you to IUN, I'm bringing this exposure back into my life. The last six months were about sitting in front of my tablet, being to depressed to do something.

Yesterday, I was looking forward to spending a few days away. But this got cancelled. No fear, God replaced it with something much better that will serve me real often. I've been afraid of leaving the house, but already had one exposure and ready to continue.

You guys inspired me a lot. Since I'm a musketeer, I will join your rank concerning exposures.
I'm feeling positive about that.

IUN, London, I admit to missing your posts yesterday, a lot. They help me and surely helped others. Don't make a habit out of that please, please.

Still early before I go, but minding myself. Love you both. Missing you NM.

[gail]

Well, to my greatest surprise, I made it to the park one shot.

Instead of being happy, on my return, depression hit me full force. The crying and all the trimmings. Found a saying or a verse to help me out and I want to share it with you all:

I'VE HEARD YOUR PRAYERS
I'VE SEEN YOUR TEARS
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU
TRUST MY TIMING
MY TIMING IS MADE PERFECT.

[invalidusername]

Lovely verse Gail. And very well done for the park - great achievement,

 

My apologies for "going offline" yesterday - things have been nasty. Much like yourself, the depression has taken such a tight grip. The fact that my p-doc meeting has been pushed forward a month really did it for me. I went over the edge. 

 

However, there is a theory, other than it being a 5mg drop causing it. I am breaking a 10mg tab of Citalopram in half (with teeth) to get the 5mg I need in addition to the 20mg. The 10mg citalopram tabs are NOT scored. I didn't realise but unscored tablets are NOT evaluated by the FDA to have equal amounts in each half. Therefore I could be getting 9mg in one half and 1mg in the other. It is also likely that as the half crumbles in my mouth rather than staying intact that the absorbtion will occur too fast.

 

So my best guess is that I have been up and down all over with the dose for the last 12 days. I have had to go back to 30mg and just hope the headaches, fog and dizziness dies down a bit should it return...

 

Sending y'all much love

[invalidusername]

Hi again LDN!

 

So first up, this short read which I promised you - I have uploaded here for you;

 

http://www.filedropp...ntoeternallight

 

Confirms everything I have read to date and is such a nice read. Hald hour tops, but really worth it. I found myself visualising some amazing imagery, of which I intend to use in my meditation in due course. 

 

I think you are right in saying that some people just aren't cut out for these meds - for sure. The brain is such a complex organ, and is going to be open to so much subjectivity that it will never be a one size fits all approach when it comes to medication. There are still a few very odd things that occur to me that started when I stopped the Duloxetine. Like the spasmodic limb or whole body jolts. They can be really embarassing at times when these happen when working. So what with all the other treatment and meds you have endured, I can well imagine your sensitivity to them. We have to be so careful.

 

I will be honest in saying that i do not think Citalopram had much of a part to play in my initial recover back in 2006. I got my ass in gear, started my business, found a small office which I shared with a couple of people, made sure I got up and out the door every day and this was so much more useful than any medication. So like you said where your depression was cured naturally, there is so much in it rather than putting faith in drugs. I rue the day that I ever first decided to start taking them. But we should never look back in regret. Eyes to the future...

 

I think it is fantastic how much you put into your sprituality. So many would have long since given up in your position - and I can fully apprecaite that, but you carry on. Not fighting per se, but accepting and that is the key. You really are an inspiration to everyone who is stuck in a similar situation. It is easy to see why so many people like us go into working in mental health following our cure. The more the better in my opinion given the state of the service that I get from my community mental health team. 

 

So I will sign off with another final big thanks for your help today man. Really amazing how everything panned out. For anyone else reading, I have had a nightmare 48 hours with some of the worst depression I have ever known. Somehow... I was able to do my work, do a large food shopping trip and look after a crying wife on my return home. I just felt something giving me strength that I should not have had. Just like when you are walking down the street with a really strong wind behing you... there is zero effort to walking.. just like that. Bless those marvellous forces at work from the Summerlands.

 

Much love to you LDN - and to all others joining in with us on this journey.

 

God Bless.

[LDN]

YES MAN!!! Keep going, your doing brilliant!!! 

 

I told you last night God was reassuring me about you. I really felt it. Maybe that was that strength that was with you today?? But don't discount your own bravery though! I myself am very proud of the tough moments I have come through, and really hope you can have that same sense of achievement! What you have to endure and overcome in the last few days, the vast majority of people will never face. That puts you in a very special bracket. I just really hope you can be super proud of yourself - for once show yourself that self love!!! 

 

I didn't realise you were working today and Tesco as well. Man!!!! I don't have words!!! That's incredible! So proud of you! 

 

Yeah I have moved from the fighting to the letting go and giving myself up to God phase. Of course sometimes maybe I still fight a bit, but i'm basically now sort of like 'let go and trust in God'. This is very liberating. I don't really feel to in control of my life but in a good way. Just like loosing control initially creates anxiety eventually loosing control and accepting that is incredibly powerful. In terms of what we have read - it is saying I chose this path, so let things play out as they play out. 

 

Anyway I must say I'm so so happy to hear you did so great! And also so thankful for God for reassuring me and letting me tell you last night that things will pick up. I must say it was a very powerful feeling last night. I just felt complete peace and hope. To see that bear itself out is really very moving for me actually. 

 

Have a lovely weekend! And make sure you really look after yourself!! Will be praying for you! 

 

Love you man

 

God bless

[LDN]

YES GAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

OH WOW!!!!!!!!!! 

 

The whole way to the park!!!!! How wonderful!! You should be so so proud of yourself! That's a massive exposure!! 

 

That's really inspiring to me! WOW! 

 

Don't be down about feeling depressed after. It would have been a very overwhelming experience to do such a big exposure and would have emotionally taken a lot out of you! That is important to remember exposures aren't just physically tiring, they take so much mental energy as well!! To face up to fear like you did was so huge! 

 

Yes Gail! Oh I'm so happy! 

 

And that is lovely verse thank you for sharing!! 

 

God Bless mon ange!! 

 

Love you to the moon

[gail]

IUN,

What a finding about citalopram. Each half not equal. Never heard of that. Is that true for other meds? Did you think about water titration?

Thank God that we all have each other to rely on. Let's hope for a better outcome. Love.

[gail]

IUN,

What a finding about citalopram. Each half not equal. Never heard of that. Is that true for other meds? Did you think about water titration?

Thank God that we all have each other to rely on. Let's hope for a better outcome. Love.

[gail]

London,

Thanks for the good words. I also cycled and watched TV. A never thing, in six months I watched two hours of TV, and I'm generous here. what is normal for one can be abnormal for the other.

I don't know if I'll do it today, depends how I feel. It's a 3-4 times a week thing.

Merci Mon Ami for encouraging me. Love you!

[fishinghat]

Lovely verse Gail. And very well done for the park - great achievement,
 
My apologies for "going offline" yesterday - things have been nasty. Much like yourself, the depression has taken such a tight grip. The fact that my p-doc meeting has been pushed forward a month really did it for me. I went over the edge. 
 
However, there is a theory, other than it being a 5mg drop causing it. I am breaking a 10mg tab of Citalopram in half (with teeth) to get the 5mg I need in addition to the 20mg. The 10mg citalopram tabs are NOT scored. I didn't realise but unscored tablets are NOT evaluated by the FDA to have equal amounts in each half. Therefore I could be getting 9mg in one half and 1mg in the other. It is also likely that as the half crumbles in my mouth rather than staying intact that the absorbtion will occur too fast.
 
So my best guess is that I have been up and down all over with the dose for the last 12 days. I have had to go back to 30mg and just hope the headaches, fog and dizziness dies down a bit should it return...
 
Sending y'all much love

Why not buy a pill cutter IUN? I bought one for $5 at the local drug store and it works well.

[gail]

Fishinghat, IUN says that the medicine in half parts is not distributed equally. They are not scored!
I'm surprised to hear this. Does it go for every medicine?

How do you know that it's not scored? Einstein, please answer this. Thank you!

[fishinghat]

Pills that are not scored will break unevenly and give you different amounts in each half because the two halves will be a different size. A "score" is a line down the center of the pill which will allow the pill to break evenly and produce two equal halves.

[invalidusername]

According to the Doctor that I spoke to, he said that the way they are manufactured means that even if they are cut perfectly in half, there is still no guarantee that you will have exactly 50% of the drug in each half. Whilst the medication is 10mg, the actual tablet itself weighs.. lets say 20mg with all the fillers and so forth. Therefore, as the mixture is not evenly distributed in the manufacturing process, one half could, in theory, be all filler.

 

And yes, when I have used my teeth to bite them in half, the part that I bite into my mouth always breaks into lots of little bits, so that is probably not being digested correctly. 

 

It makes me feel better that there is a reason for this onslaught of depression. According to my notes, I have not had a bought of depression that has lasted more than a few hours in almost 6 weeks. It's all been physical symptoms. So as this has happened 8-9 days after my dose change, that this has surely something to do with it...

 

Thoughts, as always, are welcomed.

[fishinghat]

"Therefore, as the mixture is not evenly distributed in the manufacturing process, one half could, in theory, be all filler."

The pharmaceutical facilities that I have seen that produce tablets mix he ingredients very thoroughly prior to casting into mold. The batches can be as much as 4 or 500 gallons or even more. The tablets turn out to be very uniformly distributed. As the medicine in gel caps is in the liquid form they also are evenly distributed although you certainly wouldn't want to divide those in half. Capsules can only accurately be divided in half by counting beads or weighting contents.

[invalidusername]

Well, I think it is a combination of that, the 5mg drop and the awful service I have had from the mental health service this week. The depression is made worse as a product of me being permanently tuned into my negative thoughts. That will often happen when you call a mental health service 19 times over 2 days and never get a call back...