2348 replies to this topic

[gail]

NM and IUN,

I'm done! Phone calls non stop, medical phone calls. And preparing my stuff for the post office, that did it. No more spoons till I have a nap.

NM, do you mean that you ate those Cadbury cream eggs? A few to make you sick?

IUN, have you been feeling better? What gives? My eyes are closing,. Love you both, you are all my sunshine.

[invalidusername]

Gailage - yes, go easy and make sure you don't go over your spoon count! Things have been very difficult for the last few days. My head fog, aches and dizziness have not let me go and it has made depression/anxiety unbearable at times. But I am taking each day as it comes and hopefully it will pass. As Hat has reminded me, I am very sensitive to meds and what my body has been through since September is much more that what should have been. I sometimes need to be reminded to restore my diminishing patience.

 

NM - you gotta love cadbury's creme eggs!! 90% odd sugar, but one won't hurt! I am very sorry to hear about digestive system issues. Can you PM me with a run down of what you have taken, when and how much. Bear in mind that new users can experience something very similar as it stays in the system longer to start with. It may be that you haven't given your system time enough inbetween doses. Don't worry - I will be able to help... Vicky was the same...

 

Loadsa love to you both.

[gail]

Never mind, Lion Soul. Have your nap and regain your strength. No lol. I was calling IUN a Cadbury’s cream egg. Haven’t had any since Easter! Loads of love, sweet Gail xxx xxx

Oops! Thanks for clearing that.

[invalidusername]

Just a quick one for you LDN if you are able to pop in for your usual visit this evening.

 

Appreciate the PM divulging all the interesting detail and have been thinking about how you might be fairing today. I can imagine that every day after yesterday will be taken with a large portion of anticipation. Obviously there will be lots of chemical changes going on with your gray matter having stepped into the unknown, but one thing is for sure, your spirituality will not have been compromised - that I am sure. Aside from anything else, remember than the brain is merely part of this "shell" we often speak of in our messages. It won't go with us. All the important bumpf is in the soul... the mind... nothing to do with that silly sponge locked in our heads. Just think about when we meditate. All the good stuff comes along when we have managed to STOP thinking - when we bypass the brain and transcend the physical stuff that gets in the way. 

 

I know you are only too aware of this - better than myself - but sometimes we all need a little nudge to remind of the things that we may have forgotten courtesy of the bad days we have endured. I am no exception for this and frequently forget what I "preach". 

 

Right, I will leave it there not knowing what you will be up to in terms of answering messages and the like, but needless to say - very interested to hear how you have got on 4 hours post infusion... when you can.

 

Take it easy dear brother and God Bless.

[LDN]

Thank you IUN those are such nice words. Yeah not good here. Firstly I have bad physical symptoms. Every since yesterday almost straight after my teeth and gums were hurting. They are sensitive normally but now it worse. So that is pretty uncomfortable. Secondly, today I woke with a horrific headache, my head feels like a heavy wet sponge. Still now it's really bad. Thirdly, a most worrying considering it's a well known side effect of recreational ketamine use, is i have pain down stairs after I urinate. Never had this before. 

 

When I woke today I felt pretty shaken and traumatised. Then a brutal depression hit, really really painful. I couldn't face going on my walk in such awful mental pain, but I forced myself to do it. It was very uncomfortable. I got back the depression was just getting worse and worse. I just felt like giving up. Then it lifted a little. I had my nap. Then this evening was sort getting flashbacks from the trip and found moving images were making me feel like I was in them or like they were visions or something. It was weird and very strange. 

 

Ketamine is not actually FDA approved for depression, but only as an anaesthetic. I think they have a special dispensation at Oxford, because it's a university study or something. Similar to drug trial, expect you have to pay. To be fair the consent form listed a whole load of stuff it can cause and I signed it, so I can't really complain. 

 

When I organised to have ketamine a few months ago, I wash much more depressed so I felt desperate that's why I signed up for it. I read loads about it and it sounded so exciting, it just seemed a ray of hope. However, the last month or so has been really good and I even said to my mum a few days before it, I'm not sure if I need it and she agreed. But as we had gone to such length to organise it and my psychiatrist was so keen I sort of thought I might as well go ahead. 

 

If been ill for so long and your just hoping that something might be a miracle cure. I driven by desperation. Gail mentioned about psychotic depression and this had occurred to me. My first psychiatrist had diagnosed me with that and so when I saw your not meant to have ketamine if your psychotic I was concerned and wrote it down to ask my current psychiatrist. However with everything else to tell her, I forgot to ask!! I'm just so annoyed with myself and beating myself up about it.

 

It's just so hard with depression. You have so much to think about just getting through the day and then you make a tiny mistake and your forced to pay a huge price. My intentions are pure, I simply want to get better for my family and I'm trying everything. I'm forcing myself with the exposures and everything, I'm trying so hard and life just still seems trip me up when I make any sort of progress. I thought hard work would make me more lucky, like that saying, but unfortunately that not been the case. 

 

I'm also really struggling with the fact I thought I was dying. I was certain I was dying and made peace the situation and it all felt right. It was like after 8 years of struggle and pain I finally was going to be put out of my misery. I was 100% I was dying and I know I'm alive it feels so weird. I just trying to get my head around that. It just felt this amazing moment of redemption for me, and now I realise it was all a cheat, a fake. I was never dying but simply my mind thought I was. I just felt so real. My mind a mess, and it will take a long long time for this storm to calm. Just I was doing so well. 

 

I also just feel really uncomfortable spiritually. I live this incredibly simple life. No sugar, no drink, very strict diet from my doctor, lots of time in contemplation and prayer. I can't watch tv. I can't listen to music. I live a very monastic life. Lots of reading. So taking a mind altering substance just goes completely against how I live my life.  I think that has partly led to the shock factor. Most people don't live such extreme lives. My life is partly forced on me by my illnesses, but I definitely embrace it and accept the path I have been given. Having this mother of all trips just completely shaken me. 

 

Anyway I've emailed my psychiatrist and hoping to talk to her over the next few days. 

 

On the positive fishinghat has shown me that hyperthermia has been discussed for depression. This is really interesting because my depression was definitely better after I had it in Germany, though I had no idea hyperthermia was talked about for depression. So that could be a possible explanation. I was discussing with my parents going back to Germany for my Lyme at some point anyway, so that makes it even more interesting. 

 

I'm sorry I'm bombarding you with info right now. I mean just so much has gone on and I didn't know where to start. 

 

I hope your surviving and as always your in my prayers. 

 

Your right just one day at at time right now. One day this whole episode will make sense. 

 

Thank you so much again. I don't know I will ever be able to pay to back. From the bottom of my heart and with my whole soul thank you! 

 

What a special guy you are. I am blessed to know you. 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

NM bless so! You words heal and help me so much! What a loving kind and special soul you are! You are a gift to me, and to all of us! That candle really means a lot to me! Your prayers also. I hope your issues can sort themselves out soon. Hopefully IUN can work some magic! How are the birds? I saw a lovely magpie the other day. Beautiful bird. Strange to have them in London. More and more birds in London these days because so many people put out bird food now.

 

Lots of love and so happy to have to met you. I will be praying for you!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL 

 

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! 

 

I am crying with joy. I have tears. WOW. I'm so happy. So HAPPY! Thank you God!!

 

What wonderful news for me that you had such a good day! I think it must have been all that flying around in space with me yesterday. It must have cleared your head. We should do it again, how about that? We we flying like in the snow man, do you know that? Me and you holding hands with our arms out stretched!! Like this - 

 

https://www.google.c...NBqKD40Y7fHf_M:

 

I want to have another picnic as well - you, me, NM, IUN, fishinghat, Kathy, Liz. 

 

Oh man that feels so good to hear. It was hurting my heart so much to hear about your struggles since the beginning of the year. I'm still crying here thinking about it. 

 

Thanks for that song I can't listen but I read the words - wonderful! Will listen when I can. 

 

This cry feels really good lol! I don't cry often as I told you so this feels GOOD! 

 

Yeah my brother is the man! Love him like mad. He's been caring for me all day, since everybody was out. He's such a great guy, were so tight! 

 

Thanks for your prayers and candle! 

 

I didn't know you spoke spanish hey? 

 

TE AMO HASTA LA LUNA Y DE VUELTA!!!

[gail]

Oh wow, what a beautiful post! Smiling all the way! That flying and the images you sent made me so light, just like kid. I will be looking at them often, specially when depressed. Thanks London for that link.

I got up early. So I decided to stay up, having a coffee.

The post to IUN was enlightening. I had read that it was not FDA approved. I thought that I had mistaken. Hyperthermia seems so much safer. Why Germany? Nothing closer?

I couldn't remember that you couldn't watch TV or listen to music, just like Fishinghat.
What sensation do you have when you do? Is it caused by Cymbalta? Fishinghat, the same questions apply to you, if you are reading. Thank you!

I pray that your trauma passes quickly. It must be uncomfortable. What an experience to be put behind. Except the flying, this one gets to me, so beautiful. Also, you made peace with dying, that is big!

I'll be back later, I'm sure that you've remarked that I made small paragraph, I have difficulty reading big ones. So, I'm limited in my choice of books, reading cartoons would be simpler. Te quero mi amigo mucho!

I'm back, but my dear, Im so tired today. A good day just the same. I'll be back tomorrow to read you. Going back to see the snowman flying, relaxing before bed, love you cowboy, hasta manana, Gail xxx

[gail]

That's beautiful NM, thanks. I am sure glad that you have joined the forum. Such a plus!
Feeling any better today? Love.

[invalidusername]

Woh - long message! And a few issues thrown into the mix from your special K. Very sorry to hear about these, but hopefully they will be short lived and the results will be forthcoming. Waking and feeling shaken up would be a given after what you went through, but trying to see it as just that is not easy in the moment - these things rarely get any comfort as you simply cannot think straight. Our heads run haywire with every other thought than those of which will be helpful to us. 

 

That aside - so much respect for you getting out to do your walk. That is commitment. Well done brother. Each day as it comes. Just keep in mind that plenty of people that tried the K saw very gradual effects. Whatever may be going on at the moment, there are changes afoot! 

 

The FDA thing, I got confused with Esketamine, which has been approved. Not quite the same thing, but same ballpark. It is probably that the FDA didn't want to be seen backing a party drug until the name has changed! Hopefully one day there will be eskratom too

 

A close friend of mine also has psychotic depression, so I am familar with the details. She had all the electo therapy and even lithium, which she had very nasty reactions to. She has reacted well to some MAOI's but they never seem to last long before they poop out. I asked her about Ketamine, but she said that she is done with all the treatments. She has lengths of good days and is dealing well with it now, but much like you, it has been a long road to hoe. But just to put your mind at ease, all her treatments were a long time ago before they really knew how best to treat such cases and after years of being the proverbial guinea pig, she has just had enough. I have to respect her decision. 

 

I am right with you about the difficulty with depression. It does indeed seem like you have to watch every step of the way. There is always something out there ready to trip us up somehow. One mountain gets conquered, only to find another one. I once said months ago here on the forum that it feels like you have completed the London marathon only to be told at the end that you have done the kiddies version and you still had another 15 miles to go! I really feel for you fighting this every day. Your stamina and fight really has done you well, but sometimes we wish there was an "undo" function and we could go back a few hours, or a day or two and try again to prevent whatever caused what it was that happened. 

 

It is good that you write all this down here on the forum, and again, never worry about what you need to let out. This week was always going to be filled with a lot of goings-on. I even asked you to tell me everything, so you are only fulfilling on what you have been asked! I still want to know what happens as time goes on with this - for your benefit first and foremost, and then of course the curiosity of it all. 

 

The latter half of my day ended well, but had a bit of a shock myself when I woke up. I had some really good thoughts about how I managed to do a very bust day yesterday and that I need not worry quite as much as I do, so some real positivity going on, but despite that, there was a gripping depression underneath totally ignoring my thoughts. It was there were two parts to my brain and as much as I was trying to understand why I wasn't feeling better, nothing would change it. I just felt horribly empty. Definately a chemical thing and I spend the first half of the day worrying that it would return - it lasted about 2 hours, then I am guessing the Citalopram kicked in. I'm already worried about being dizzy and foggy every morning, and now this as well!! Really don't need all that!

 

Right - time for some Rinpoche I think. Some guidance and wisdom as I think about sleeping soon. Sincerely hope there has been some glimmers today from your day. You have been in my thoughts between clients today - wondering how you have been and what gives. I know it is such a lottery for you - and others on the forum at the moment, but this is our moments to shine in being there for each other. We all have a very important part to play and are all integral cogs to a much larger sum. We need every part to have this immeasurable strength - and never forget that you are every bit a part of that!!

 

Take care brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi IUN, 

 

So last night after I posted the pain in my man parts became pretty constant. Got very stressed about it. It was all I could think of. Like what the hell is going on? Then I woke today and it's been painful and tender all day. At times I find it quite tough to walk. Trying my best to put into practice my teachings. It's just that part of my body is very psychological! All the permutations going on in my head. But throughout the day I've been dealing with the stress of it better. I have a bad back and it's got worse and the journey to Oxford and back didn't help, so it could be that. But it's probably the ketamine. Just hope it wears off, but it is what it is. I knew the dangers of ketamine with regards to the bladder. You just think these things will never happen to you. Also whenever they write about a drug they never talk about the cases that went bad, just the success so it's gives a false sense of security. Anyway so I've felt spent all day thinking about downstairs, I've got to see the funny side of it! 

 

My psychiatrist emailed me back and said that she agreed with me that the long term stability is the priority and it may be best to have a break. I was so relieved that she was on my wavelength and read what I had said and taken it in and respected. It so refreshing to have that in a doctor, not just thinking they know best and pressuring you into doing stuff. I got to protect this doctor at all costs, she really is so lovely!! I thought she might be a bit defensive because it was her idea, but not at all, no ego at all. She is the model for all psychiatrists I think, gives me so much respect and really lets me be in the driving seat. She's really got me into the exposures as well. She suggested we discussed things as soon as possible, so I'm going into to see her tomorrow. I know she going to be so disappointed, she's trying so hard. I really feel for the doctors who take me on, I'm such a complex case and everything they try doesn't work. 

 

Then got osteopath on Friday, so can ask about my issue downstairs. Hopefully have a more in depth picture by late Friday. 

 

No way am I going near Oxford for a while now lol! I'm not risking anything re downstairs, just too sensitive an area. Anyway as I've said I don't think getting high off my head every few weeks is remotely for me, so there no point in carrying on. I don't feel disappointed though, I was doing fine before this came along. The main thing is my faith and mind. The more I work on that the better. That my key tool and it's grown hugely in the last few months. The fact I had no fear of death I think shows my evolvement. 

 

What am I going to do about the duloxetine who knows. Will have to put up with it a while longer. As I said the Lyme is key problem, with it's neurological damage. That will take time, a good few years to heal. So I'm just plan a very slow, steady journey, focusing on my spirituality. The positive about being so ill I can't work, is that I can spend all the time focusing on spirituality without distractions. 

 

Sorry to hear about the chemicals playing about this morning. Stupid brain chemicals, how many times have I said that?? Mine have a mind of their own and I given up trying to control them. I just let them do their thing now, what else can I do? But that must have been so annoying to have this issue this morning. It's great you have such positive thoughts though, it's really important to get into that mindset. You seem to be being less hard on yourself, which is a great development. Hope this fogginess and dizziness sorts itself out. I think it's just all your brain has gone through, just have to give it time to all calm down. Much easier said than done, as I am finding out right now!!! 

 

Was less depressed today which was nice. I woke without a headache and my teeth and gums are not so sensitive. I had my usual walk and it was a lot more easy, I actually enjoyed it. What a relief! Though obviously I was worrying about a certain area. Don't know how I managed yesterday with that proper hard core depression and to go out with that, that was so tough! 

 

Eskratom haha love that! That's brilliant! 

 

I've tried Lithium as well, a few years back. Wasn't for me, just made me feel really flat. 

 

Anyway, hoping for a good day tomorrow and that the morning is easier. Thanks for all the support man. 

 

Love 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi Gail, 

 

Another good day - GREAT! SO HAPPY! This is amazing! 

 

Glad you like the Snowman. Have you heard the song 'I'm Walking in the Air'? You should youtube it. It is a beautiful song. The Snowman was a big part of my childhood. It has very fond memories for me! 

 

Yeah hyperthermia is crazy lol! I had it for my Lyme. Yeah you can only get it in Germany at the higher temperature which is better for Lyme. Germany is very alternative medically. Very different from England. Much much better for Lyme disease in Germany, people travel from all over the world to get treatment there. Last time I was there, there were people from the US, Canada, Australia, another English guy. In the middle of the mountains, pretty nice! 

 

I can't listen to music because of damage from Lyme disease and the co-infections. My doctor said it was probably brain inflammation from the Lyme and co infections which causes it. So if I listen I get anxious, my brain can't take in the sound and panics. I start to panic and get very depressed and scared. Very traumatic. I feel I'm losing control. I once had a cab and was too shy to ask the driver to turn off the radio, by the end I was suicidal and had good barely think. Sometimes it comes back and I can listen, but mostly I can't. People with Lyme has extreme sensory sensitivity. Some can't ever open the curtains, some have to wear sunglasses all day. 

 

Yeah it was a tough day Monday, but I'll never forget us flying together through space. It was so cool how you said I wonder if any of us will appear when you go under the ketamine and then you did! Crazy! And in such a cool way! 

 

Yeah I was not sacred of death before, but now I'm even less. I was truly open to the experience. I just went with the flow, it was a good test of my mind what I faced. I think maybe it was a challenge from God, to keep me on my toes!!

 

Anyway you really helped forget my worries last night, it was tough and then reading about your day was so wonderful and totally changed my mood. Made me really happy and also meant I had a lovely cry which felt GREAT! 

 

Also your words were so beautiful. You just have such a great way with words gail. You really do. You get me every time!!

 

Gail to the rescue!! I really really hope you continue to feel good!! 

 

Will be praying!!

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

My friend London,

I've never heard about that snowman, of course I'm much older than you. A few years!!lol!
But I loved the video and the singing. Thank you.

I woke at four, went back at eight till 10am. It's not that I can't sleep, I awaken because I have pulmonary secretions. I'm not like you guys, just spitting it out, it's a ceremony for me. It's not an easy task. Thank God it's once a day. Smoking does not help, it never happened before, must also be the mets that are growing. It's annoying!

Seeing the doc for a 10 minute appointment at 3pm. I needs meds that are given by the big pharma.Its free, instead of 500.$ monthly. Plus renewal of Iprescriptions.

I just got dressed, it's so humid here today. Getting dressed is an asshole. When they played with my spine, I lost more than 2inches and guess where the fat went? My belly, and my breast.
Not easy, had to buy a new wardrobe. So here comes, I was looking myself into the mirror and I became depressed.Then came to me that phrase that I love LOOK AT THE SITUATION THROUGH GOD'S EYES.

What a beautiful saying. And I put the matter is his hands again.

The crows and the blue jays were yelling their heart's out a few minutes ago, and like the British people, I gave them social tea biscuits without the tea. Beautiful birds, just love the crows, they are so huge and sturdy. They would make beautiful pets. Do you have blue jays in England? They don't sing, they yell! But they fly! I used to dream that I was flying, it's been a long time since this happened.

Well, enough for this morning, will be back later. All my love to you guapo!

I'm back for a few minutes before leaving. Always makes me nervous before going up, in the car I'm fine. I took an Ativan just the same. How I would love to fly, my baby wings won't permit it yet. Eventually, I'd start with the snowman first for experience. Go to go now. Love you amigo, later maybe.

[invalidusername]

Crikey - well, I can imagine there is very little in the way of Buddhist teaching on the "downstairs"... but of course this is going to be taking all your attention. At least you have a reason for it, and that you know it will wear off in due course, but well done for coping with the stress of it all. I know the feeling only too well that you speak of, in that you try all these things to help yourself, and you end up just getting things worse off than when you first started. That unfortunately has been the story of the last 12 months for me. 

 

So, have you decided to not go any further with the Ketamine? You will of course know best how to approach the situation, and yes, given the success of the past few weeks, it would be such a shame to have lost the progress that you have made. Your psych also sounds fantastic. You are really lucky to have found one that you can trust and relate to so well. Hopefully, one day, I will be in a similar fortunate position. I really do think this will help me considerably. 

 

Yes the down side is having to hold on with the Dulox for a while longer. I sincerely hope that there can be some progress with the Lyme so that you can then start taking steps to reducing it. But slow will be the key to all this as you know, so there is no distance in trying to rush this part unfortunately. I am glad that you are in a position where you have a loving family to support and care for you. Being married, renting and bring home the bacon - it doesn't get any easier I can tell you!

 

Today was a real struggle. I had a lot of anxiety about getting through the day. I had more dizziness and then the worst pain at the base of my skull. I could barely function, but somehow I managed to get out for 3.5 hours for work and then manage a shopping trip for food. I remember praying that I got home safely. I just wanted to pull over and crawl into the back of the car and give in to it all. I have spent the rest of the evening in contemplation of how the next few days/weeks/months will go if this carries on. It is either head fog, a headache or dizziness - or a combination of any of them. No amount of positive thinking, CBT or anything else is going to help the fact that I am so damn ill but still have to go about my day. I really hope there is an end in site. Much like you were saying before, I don't know how much reserve I have left.

 

Sorry to be the one making a fuss here - I need to let it out. So my thanks for sticking with my message today! I am glad that your depression did not linger after yesterday as well. Will be waiting to see how today turned out for you. 

 

Right, need to rest the head again!

 

Light and love brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Oh man this is going to be tough to write. Today was, I don't know. I saw my psychiatrist and then when I left I started to get so depressed. It then just got worse and worse. After I got out of my shower I felt completely suicidal. 

 

I'm just a mess. Completely broken. Everything I read about ketamine was amazing, then of course I take it and not does it not work but it makes way WORSE. It's ECT all over again. And know what the hell do I do? Part of me wants to do the 3 infusions, so I can say I have tried everything but at the same time surely going ahead with more when I have this pain is crazy? The pain this morning was ok then this evening it's got worse. The ketamine clinic said my reaction was very unusual. Oh man have I heard that before!! Everything I try, it's 'oh that very unusual'. What wrong with me? Everything thing I try, every time seems to fail and mostly make me worse. I was so so hoping ketamine would be the outlier, that my luck had changed, but NO. I know I was playing it down but of course subconsciously I had massive hopes. Ketamine could have potentially changed my life. Every article was glowing, the statistics were sensational, just like ECT. How could I not get my hopes up? This narrative that my life is destined for perpetual misery is really being played out in my head. ECT 75% have some improvement, ketamine 80% - yet both failed. Every article on ketamine was like 'this guy had tried everything, was suicidal, and then he tried Ketamine and it saved his life'. I related so much. All the science seemed to make sense. Yet here I am broken and mess. 

 

Hypothetical situation - I went to have the second infusion, then after my pain got even worse and I was bedridden and on massive pain killers. Can I risk that? For such a sensitive part of my body. If I have the second infusion and the pain increases I will being furious at myself for taking that risk. I won't forgive myself. Even if it makes my depression better, which looks unlikely since my mood has got so much worse since having it, having severe pain in that part of my body is a pretty rough trade off. I mean it would mean living the rest of my life on painkillers, which is certainly not what I had in mind. Can you see how confusing this all is? 

 

I simply not in a fit state to be making life changing decisions, yet only I know myself, so I have to. The stress of having to weigh everything up, knowing there is still very little research on this treatment. Think how long it took for the side effects of anti-depressants to come public. When Prozac came out, it was this is the magic cure. Only now is starting to come out that these drugs can completely mess you up. Everything about ketamine has sounded too good to be true, and when that seems the case it normally is the case. Fair play for trying to find new treatments for depression and I'm so happy for everybody it's helped. But inevitably some will have bad reactions- and great I fall into that category!! Now that's a surprise! 

 

I'm really sorry my tone is so bitter, but I've been here too many times now man. Too many times. I just can't cope with the stress. I can't risk this pain getting worse but I just so wanted to at least give those first 3 infusions a proper go. Then I would have no regrets. 

 

When my I heard my mum cancel on the phone it just sent a huge wave of fear through me. In the back on my mind I was always like 'I've got ketamine up my sleeve', but now I don't. I remember thinking a few months back, ketamine is my last hope. It obviously isn't but it's tough. I definitely had too high expectations but it's hard not to when every article is so glowing. 

 

Anyway sorry for that, but man do I appreciate having you brother. So gutted about your day but I can empathise more than ever. Life been so tough for you, so tough and yet you keep on going. Always always come to me to get things off your chest. I mean how many times have done that to you. That what we're about. It's a team effort. We're both at the bottom right now, but we've got to keep fighting. Your job, your wife, the rent - man you are heroic! Not often have I seen such bravery. In fact I can barely think of anything to quite match you. I do think things will fall into place, but it's just your brain had too much going on. You've got be kind on yourself. Remember that you help me so much! That is insane that you can do that in your state. One day I just hope I can pay you back. In the next life we're going to have a lot to talk about lol!! 

 

LOL i just read that last night I wrote I wasn't too disappointed. How that's changed in 24 hours!! I also can't help thinking about that sensation of dying and then having to wake up to this rubbish. I really felt it was my time, I know it wasn't real, but mentally I was completely convinced. 

 

The negative thoughts about by situation in life have just broke the dam today. I've trying so hard, working so hard and keeping them at bay - then today was just too much and I'm flooded with me. Why I am obsessing over the physical so much?? I thought I had evolved from that sense of inferiority. 

 

Anyway I've been going on far too long. I'm always here remember that! I love working with you man!

 

Will be praying. 

 

Love you man 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail hope the doctor went well! 

 

Did you have a good day? 

 

Me? LOL!!!! NO COMMENT HA!! It couldn't have gone much worse, as you will see in my post to IUN. WHAT A LIFE!!!!! 

 

Don't think we have blue jays in UK, but hey there a lovely bird. We do have crows. Also at the moment mostly blackbirds. Oh wow do they sing their hearts out!!! Also wood pigeons, they have a real calming song!! My favourite? The robin!!! 

 

Gail you were born to be an angel!! I told you! Your wings aren't ready yet but will be. ANGEL GAIL!! It sounds good!! 

 

How cool you love to fly and that was what we did in my trip? That's a cool coincidence right?? 

 

I once had a dream I was flying all over London was crazy!!! SO FUN! I still remember the dream so well! 

 

LOOK AT THE SITUATION THROUGH GOD EYES!!!!

 

Perfect and what I needed to hear. Very true. Only he knows best! Well done for being brave!!

 

MI ANGEL HERMOSA 

 

YOU ARE MY STAR

 

Anyway I need some wings since my legs don't work lol!! 

[gail]

Hi London,

Geez, what a day you had, it was to be expected with the Ketamine and the pain down below.
Takes a lot of guts to go through that kind of day. As I see, Scrat is also fighting for his life, In a way.

Looking at the situation with God's eyes. It will pass, he says. It's a good thing that you have a strong spirituality. With time, it'll come up the surface.

My day was ok, the doctor gave me antibiotics, for that fever that seems to get higher. Will start todAy. Where's the infection? We're not sure, but it goes hand in hand with cancer. It's a 5 day treatment instead of the usual 10.

Not feeling to good this morning, so I will be back later. I just feel like crying.

With love, tu Hermosa guapa!!!!

Hello again I found the culprit of that heavy depression, the uneasiness, my restlessness. I've been almost two days without the fentanyl patches. I forgot,
I just found out! Oh man, never again. I was almost suicidal, man oh man. When I say suicidal, I mean, ready to dye on the spot.

I was so cold, and it's real warm outside. Nausea worst than usual and tralala!
The beginning of withdrawal. So glad that I saw it, tomorrow would have been disastrous.

Eager to see how your day went, surely better than mine, again te quero amigo!

[fishinghat]

So many on the site suffering so bad right now. I hate to see that but don't give up hope. I wish I could come up with a magic answer.

God bless

[invalidusername]

My poor dear brother. I am so sorry to hear of your mood. I really don't know how to react myself. You had your reasons for trying the special K out, and I would, if you are able, to try and go with the other infusions. But this is entirely your decision. It's like you say, if you are going to try it, you go the distance, but yours is a difficult set of circumstances. I hate to say it as I hate it when people say it to me, but I don't know what to suggest. Obviously there is the part of me that would suggest natural alternatives - I am reading up on loads more different routes for me to come of SSRI's completely. After this last switch from Lexapro to Citalopram, I have seen the last of it. Nothing can be this bad - what do I have to loose. At least with natural products, there is no messing with your head. If it doesn't work, you can stop and move on to the next. 

 

I do think that Ketamine was hyped by a lot as it is an interesting read and people only want to hear the best of the best - but that said the statistics are there and I cannot believe that this has been your result. Again, remember that the results are expected to be subtle at first, and four days could technically be early days, but there is so little known at the moment.

 

I can completely see your situation as I have had so many physical issues from pills in the last 12 months. There is only so much physical pain one can endure before the inevitable mental effects ensue. And they always do... All of my mental symptoms have been caused by physical problems I am sure. Well, I can't really tell as they have never bloody stopped! 

 

Wow - even thinking about this is giving me stress, and it is not even for me! It is like an endless loop going around in my head. There are so many variables to consider, and you know that whichever decision there will be a downside. So have you cancelled the second? Was it due on Monday?

 

Thank you so much for your kind words - I sure don't feel like a hero. Just totally exhausted! I left the flat at 2pm and didn't return until almost 9pm. No idea how I managed it. The longest day for a while - nothing too taxing, but stuff I couldn't easily get out of. I don't mind telling you, I go home, stuffed my face with food and just sat! I am now very relaxed with the mrs about to enjoy a film over some dinner courtesy of some of my magic powder. I tell you, I would be screwed without it. The one consistency I have at the moment... well that and all the love on the forum here. Also a lifesaver - but moreso as you don't get the spiritual fulfilment from a herb.

 

Also... I also felt something very close to what you experience with sound. When I was at my parents today, I couldn't tolerate the TV being on. It was making my anxiety so much worse. I don't know why. "Natural" sound wasn't a problem. I was trying to work it out. I think it is because it can be controlled, that we can turn it off, that I found more of a problem with it.

 

We are a team man. We're in this together. We've been thrown into a pit and we are doing everything we can to get out. I just hope the weekend has something positive in store for us both - and all on the forum of course - but we both need some respite. Something to give us a bit of confidence back...

 

I'll be praying for you this end brother, and remember that the love is right here when you need it.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey IUN yeah the thing is as I said can I risk exaggerating the problem? For me that seems a huge risk and without sounding too dramatic could have very severe consequences. If I got better in terms of depression but had to take pain killers just to walk that would be just replacing one set of problems with another. Also if it works for depression, I will have to keep going back to have it and therefore if 1 infusion causes this much pain, what about 10? I obviously have had a reaction to the ketamine that is extremely rare. The clinic said they were very surprised and my psychiatrist said put it on hold. Seeing the absolute hell your going through with physical side effects it would seem a bit dangerous to push something I am clearly very very sensitive too. 

 

Also my mum called up the clinic again today and they said patients either feel better after the infusion or just feel the same, they haven't come across some one getting suicidal and drastically worse like me. That again shows my reaction is pretty worrying and puts me in uncharted territory. Again from this perspective it's risky to go forward. 

 

To be honest as I mentioned, having ketamine long term is not something that I think would suit me, that was clear to me very early on. I think I would feel a bit trapped being dependant on getting however many infusions a year. It would be disruptive and I don't think it suits my spirituality. Having a massive trip every few weeks doesn't really lend itself to the calm stable mindset I'm trying to nurture. I have now learned to think about the long term consequences of medication, not just the short term relief. I think that's a really important development I've made. 

 

I pleased to say I'm generally much more calm tonight. I'm so sorry for that stressed post last night, can't have helped your nerves!!! Anyway as usual you you offer so much love and support. 

 

I had a pretty good day. I had my osteopath this morning which went well. She is a Buddhist and has this lovely calming aura. Always feel so chilled when with her. I was telling her about Rinpoche and she lent me two books on Buddhism, which was a lovely gesture. Then as I was waiting for my mum, went into this kind of hippy shop and was chatting to the girl at the desk. Was nice to have an interaction that wasn't medically related lol! Haven't had that in a while. It was a good exposure as I don't normally go into shops. After a while the music playing just got too much for me and was making me incredibly anxious so I had to leave. It's a pity I've got these neurological problems, as they are so disabling. But in a weird way it highlighted to me that ketamine wasn't such a bid deal. Ketamine wouldn't have sorted my neurological problems out, so I still would have had to leave the shop, even if the ketamine worked amazing. So in a way I came away with a nice bit of perspective on the situation.

 

Then when I got back, even though I was in an anxious state because of the music I still went on my walk. So it was a pretty heavy afternoon, but pleasing after such a horrific day yesterday. The depression has been a lot better as well. 

 

Interesting what you say about the tv, gives you a interesting insight into my brain for a moment! Well done with your day!! Sounds pretty intense but glad the kratom could save the day. I hope you had a lovely evening with your wife and enjoyed the film!! When I said you were a hero I meant it absolutely 100%. Really can't think of much to match you, honestly!! 

 

I will be praying for you tonight. So hoping the weekend can give you some relief! 

 

Love you man

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey dear gail, 

 

As you will see from my post to IUN my day was better. What a relief!!! Yesterday was a nightmare day, oh man!! 

 

So happy you got that all sorted!! 

 

I hope the antibiotics go well, I will be praying! 

 

LOOK AT SITUATION THROUGH GOD EYES

 

I love this one. Thank you for telling it to me!! 

 

So hoping your day goes well tomorrow!!! 

 

MI ANGEL HERMOSA 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

Hey fishinghat, thanks for the support that means a lot! Thankfully today was better. 

 

 

 

Hope all is well. 

 

 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

NM thank you so much! So happy things seem to have improved for you! Lets hope the same for IUN and gail!!

 

God Bless

[gail]

My friend London,

Ah what a night here! Was up at 2am. My arm was aching. Took the meds and stayed up for a few hours.

Man, this antibiotic is made for a horse, vomited and diarrhea. As soon as I was ready to go back to bed, I had something wrong. Up and down. I used to have 10 cups of coffee decaf, and lately barely one. So I took camomille teas, at the last drop, it hit again!

I'm supposed to go out today, yeah! Beautiful outside. I was reflecting about prayers. About how to pray for my friends and loved ones. That was the night subject. I need answers and I know who to talk to. Praying for a few people is ok but for all the close ones is a bit of a difficulty.

I need to take my bath and will be back.

Im back and guess what? I went out feeling good, at last the post office, I didn't realize that it was Saturday, close!!!

We went to Beauvoir, 13 minutes from here. Check that out, Beauvoir, Sherbrooke PQ. What a beautiful religious site. I went to the tiny chapel, it felt so good. My friend didn't follow as spirituality is not his suit. His dad just passed away and he isn't close to family members, so he's nervous about meeting them at the funeral in a couple of days.

I say that something good will come out of this. I can't talk to him the way I do here on the forum. We don't have much in common. But he gives me a lift twice a month or so. I'm frustrated, sorry about that. I just feel that I'm not much to his eyes. That hurts. Subject closed.

I feel lots of love here on the forum, and best, I'm capable to love you all. It's wonderful to be able to do this and to receive. Love and respect. I was thinking of you all this morning, I'm so lucky to have you. Thank you.

I'm real sensitive today, vulnerable, sorry for all that. And the tears are flowing. Thank God, no make up! No smears but tears. On that my sweet London, I guess I'll try again for a nap. Love you to the mountains and back. To the pleasure of reading you!