2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Holy Moly Gaily....

 

All this talk of medically ending life. It sure raises spiritual dilemmas, foregoing the ethical ones. But then, a number of times the vet has had to put one of my cats to sleep because they were in too much pain - so where do we draw the line? Rather not carry this line of conversation though...

 

A couple of verses for you though my dear... to help abate your fears. Can be hard to find strength in such times, but we will always find our way back.

 

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27

 

"The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalms 27:1

 

On a closing note, I really do wish you could join NM and myself with the Kratom. Nevermind the steps up to your home, you would be climbing the walls

 

Muchos Lovage!!

[gail]

Muchas gracias Scrattage por your help here. I needed that. In those times, I can't find anything soothing within myself.

So these verses will be repeated when I go back to bed.

Encore une fois merci Mattage, hugging you

[invalidusername]

Your message was a lovely start to the day... and I think it takes one emotional "fella" to know another. And you are right, not quite the British thing is it!! LOL. That doesn't concern me - as love prevails over all. People who hide behind their true nature only fool themselves and do not realise what they are missing our on in life! If we can find such a bond in the state we find ourselves in, just imagine what it will be like once our heads are screwed on correctly!!

 

Again, where you mentioned the social media, as you did when speaking about the wife, I couldn't agree more. I simply have a wide berth from it. No good can come from it at all! 

 

Well I thank you for your prayers, as they worked! Tough to start with the unknown, but I dug deep and thought the only way through this is to face it head on, or as Rimpoche says in his book "put another log on the fire". I did all work commitments and managed a 25 minute shop in Tesco. Let myself rest after that. After reading what Hat mentioned about his getting slowly back into the swing of things, it really opened me up to how much I have been expecting of myself. Going from having medics around my bedside, to 24 hours later, running around Tesco doing the weeklys... it's nuts!

 

Speaking of the book - some great metaphors in this book - I can't put it down. I got the digital version as I had some Amazon vouchers left over. He has planned his getaway from the monastry, got a taxi in the middle of the night, freaked out in the station and had a panic attack on the floor of a crowded train. But then he puts himself back up in the mountains to where he last spoke with his father about his quest and the open skies... calmed himself, despite the crowd, the immense heat and the smelly train. Such a good read.

 

Regarding Kratom, I was looking up alternatives for Benzos a long time ago - that is where I found it. I then took in as much information as I possibly could as I had no-one to guide me. I did a lot of research about what, where, which strain and so on. Because my own guinea pig, my own lab rat if you will. But at least I can pass all this knowledge on to the likes of NM and yourself. Just let me know if I can be of any help in that department.

 

You did so well to continue with your walk and daily routine despite being on your own. I freak out if for any reason the wife is not in the flat. I can't stand it. My anxiety goes crazy. Anywhere else it is not a problem. No idea about that, but it is what it is! Really really well done. I assume they are back today? That in itself is a massive exposure - now give yourself some downtime! Don't get like I do and go around like a whippet on steroids...

 

God Bless, dear brother.

[LDN]

Oh man just something not feeling right with me again! Been a big dip last few days. Just feeling really angry for some reasons. Just thinking about the suffering in the world and the cruelty and then I just feel like 'man I done with this rubbish' you know? To be honest I think looking at the world right now it's pretty rational to be angry and depressed about it. I mean look at the way they treat the disabled in this country right now, look how they treat those with mental illness. I'm sorry but where is the compassion. I'm a really peaceful person but sometimes I just get so so angry about how they treat us in this country. And they know we can't fight back because were ill, and it barely gets any media attention, because the media has no representation of disabled people. Oh man I need to stop reading about politics because it's not good for me. It's just since I've reached this spiritual place I want people to also realise they have in themselves as well. I've got this massive social conscience and it's so frustrating just sitting at home and not being able to get out there and make a change. Like I want to do social work or something and feel like I'm making a difference. Instead, it's just me sitting here, getting angry and not being able to do anything about it. I'm reading Tolstoy at the moment, it's the book that inspired Gandhi, about peaceful resistance. But he sort of goes in detail into all cruelty in the world and how it contradicts Jesus and I'm like things are even worse now nearly 150 years on!! Anyway sorry normally I'm pretty calm all the time and take things in my stride but right now I just feel like I'm being crushed under all the cruelty. I'm too sensitive for this rat race and survival of fittest mentality. I just don't get why suddenly it's getting to me so much now?? Like I've known about all the sick things in the world for years, so what broke the camels back. To be fair, even Jesus lost his cool in the temple with corruption. Again, sorry for this mad ravings! I'm getting quite philosophical right now, I think I'll blame Tolstoy LOL!

 

Also my self esteem is just dire right now! Feeling completely trash about myself. That what my depression does. It abuses me mercilessly! Just feel like worthless, bitter about my inadequacies. All the books talk about self-compassion but how can you do that when your brain chemistry is making you hate yourself. My brain just pumping out negative thoughts with such efficiency! Dear me, it's not healthy having this self loathing. I've a crazy inferiority complex going on right now. I think that's feeding this bitterness and resentment. I a man of peace, unless it's myself, where the depression just takes over!! 

 

BEAUTIFUL NEWS! So happy for you man! That's what I needed! Just shows how much can change in 24 hours!! Well done with the Tesco, 25 minutes that's pretty intense. That would have required some serious concentration!! Wow I didn't realise medics came to your house, man I'm so happy things picked up!! Brilliant, brilliant news! 

 

Yeah my parents are back now. To be honest, I pretty good about being alone. I think I would quite enjoy solitary confinement, it wouldn't be too much of a punishment at all for me! Being on your own, you have a quite house, so less noise!! 

 

Ah man that book sounds great, can't wait to start! It arrives tomorrow I think. 

 

Anyway sorry for all that moaning. I really take all out on you man lol! Seriously I appreciate it beyond words. I just so nice for me to meet someone on wave-length so I feel really comfortable talking about all that's bothering me. But I hope you find it too depressing. 

 

So hope tomorrow is great for you!! 

 

Sending love 

 

God bless

[LDN]

Hey gail it says your online?? I'm going to write my message to you now!!!! 

 

 

 

Love my dear

[LDN]

So hello gail I'm sorry about your day, but in the same position myself!! I feel sad and lonely! 

 

BUT i had a amazing moment today I can't wait to tell you about!!! So I went on my walk and my back hurt and my legs hurt and generally my body felt really bad! I got home and went in the garden and just walk back and forth and thought about things. Then I was like 'GAIL' and I started praying for you and then I started praying for the others on here. I put my hands out before me, with the palms facing the sky. And then I FELT GOD!!! It was raining and it was so beautiful being in the rain and feeling the wonder of God. I pointed to the sky and felt so wonderful. It was a moment of magic, pure LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!! And it all came because I started thinking of you and praying for you. How about that???? 

 

Let me tell you gail, the feeling went but I can remember it and it was so so beautiful. THE FUTURE THAT AWAITS US IS GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL IN A WAY OUR MINDS CAN'T COMPREHEND!!! Whenever God has come, maybe 5 times, something like that, it is so amazing. I FEEL 100% PEACE AND LOVE. JUST COMPLETE CALM AND JOY. Remember I was feeling so bad and then boom it came. 

 

I can't wait for us to meet in the next life. OH WOW it gets me excited just thinking about!!!

 

So about the fear, it is earth based fear, not real true fear! With GOD your fear will disappear and you will be washed in peace and joy and love.

 

 'The pain that you are feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming' (Romans 8:18)  

 

HOW ABOUT THAT!!! WHEN I FEEL GOD EVERY WORRY IT GOES!!!!

 

So my dear hold tight. PARADISE IS WAITING FOR YOU!!!!

[gail]

Cant sleep for the moment, but I feel much better! Yeah!

[LDN]

YEAH YEAH YEAH! I love you gail and GOD LOVES US!!! Everything in the end will be well and our sufferings will make it even more sweet!!!

 

PLEASE PLEASE know how much you mean to me and how much you help me!! 

 

What can I do to pay you back???

 

I held both your hands today and blew you kisses to float over to you!!

 

I FEEL HAPPY RIGHT NOW. WITH GAIL AND WITH GOD - BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

[LDN]

I go to to bed my SANIT GAIL! Speak tomorrow! I hope the shopping goes well, will pray! 

 

Also gail I will support whatever you decide, but from a very very selfish point of view, I love you so so much and adore your posts, so of course I love having you with me. Personally I think it's best to let God decide our fate, that's just my view, but I can understand your feeling. I'm so sorry  feel so rough but remember you mean the world to me. My illness was worth it so I could meet you! Maybe think how much you are spreading love, not just to me but to IUN, NM and all the others. 

 

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE MEETING MY SAINT GAIL. THANK YOU GOD. 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

My sweet friend London,

What a special gift that you have received yesterday from God. I'm so thrilled about this. You can't ask for a better gift. Oh la la! You are blessed my friend. How I would like this to happen to me.

So we both had shitty day! Except for that special moment. I'm excited to go out and buy many things that I need. It's funny to say that the place I'm going, I always feel good there. Smells good, well, it's a drug store. I'm due to spend money.

I don't wish to come back to yesterday, but I want to clear up the fact that I'm not a candidate for that. I don't wish it either. So many things can be done before even thinking about it. My friend really shook me up! I was fragile and cried the last two days.

Now, it's bath time, and I will write later. Love and so much love.

It's 2pm. Errands are done. I can't help thinking about that special moment you had yesterday with God. Jealous here, how I wish this to happen to me. I also wonder why God doesn't help me more, with all that crying and desperate pleas.
Has he forgotten me? What do I have to do? I'm a good person, why God why?

All this crosses my mind, specifically in the morning. Siesta now, will continue later. Love you my sweet!

[gail]

Hello again my friend,

Ah, that was good, the siesta! I forced myself up. So I ate a bit and here I am. To pay me back? You're joking! Be yourself, show your emotions, talk about what inhabits you. Just be as you are. Don't change anything.

My errands went well, I would have continued, not wanting to get back home. My friend was tired, so that was the end of it. It did me good. I should do that more often, like twice a week. Or just go out in the back, trees and birds. Temperature has not yet been good enough.

I'm reading Revolution in world missions, one man's journey to change a generation. It was a free book and they mailed it to me. It's pretty good. Look it up on internet, leave your address and hop in your mailbox free.

So, my dearest friend, l leave you on that, will read about you later or tomorrow.
I love you dearly and I stroked your hair before falling asleep, Gail love and love!

[invalidusername]

I am with you in what you say. I know there are all these famous people "coming out" with their depression and bipolar and whatnot, but it is making me angry too - it is making mental illness to become a fad... like its cool or something. It dilutes the severity of it. People use terms like "I'm so depressed" so loosely today and all I can think of is to shout at them. I was with a client the other day and they said they were so annoyed with their laptop that they were going to commit suicide. How can people use a term like that so.... so... arrghhh!! Yes - I get you completely! 

 

Wow - everything you say about your self esteem.. you need to talk to the wife. You would get along famously. I have probably heard those words several times over in the last week! Not saying you shouldn't also be saying them, but she is 100% the same. She loathes herself, her looks, her body, her inability to make friends... you name it. Even thou I see a very pretty, caring girl (biased I know!), but she just cannot see the wood for the trees. The crazy thing is, she buys clothes that are too small for her, and she does this to force her to loose weight, but this only gets her more upset. I'd like to help her, but I have enough with my sh*t!! Again - I get you completely brother! I know this is a bit one-sided from my perspective, but just hoping it will help knowing that there is someone else very close going through the same...

 

Yesterday was good for sure. Had a bit of an incident with melatonin today. I was wired last night for some reason, and was still not asleep by 6am, so I took some melatonin. Woke up about 6 hours later and woh... was I depressed. Like someone had sucked all of the serotonin out of me. There were no thoughts starting it off, just a pit of doom, it just was there. Thinking, why is this happening, I didn't will this into existence!! It all came good when the Citalopram got to peak level, but I can't tell you how nasty those 4 hours were. It felt like days. Just a shame I didn't realise what it was until after it had happened. But it was like someone flicked a switch and rest of the day was fine - although quite groggy.

 

Anyway - let's hear about your day man! Now you are no longer the king of the your own London castle with the family back! But surely your sister is off to school and parents to work, do you not still get some solitary time?

 

Off to meditation land before getting back to the book - hope it arrived today for you - you will love it!

 

Much love and light

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Ah man I'm sorry about your wife. I appreciate you sharing that, it means a lot. Yeah having low self-esteem is horrible. It's not rational. People can give me complements but it just doesn't cut through. It's like I've written probably over 100 poems at least but haven't published or put online a single one, just too sacred of negative comments. My poetry is predominately spiritual and about mental health so I feel it would be great to get them out there. I sent one to my godmother when her husband died and she kept it by her bed and said she loved it - so that meant a lot. But then I just don't have that confidence of a typical artist or any interest in getting contacts and playing the business side of things - so I'm a bit stuck. Nowadays you have to promote yourself on social media if you want to get your work out there, but then I hate going social media, so it's a dilemma. I think if I could just feel I was good at something you know, it would give my life a purpose, and I have had good feedback to my writing to be fair, but playing that whole promoting yourself rubbish it's not me. But anyway I do really want to focus on mental health and disability rights, as I feel very passionately about them. If I'm ever well enough to work one day would love to work with other people with disabilities or in mental health. But this is all in the future. Anyway, I so hope your wife can improve. The great thing is she has you! I've not been able to date or anything like that since I was 17 I think, so I think one day getting a girlfriend would do me the world of good, sort feeling that I mean something to someone outside my family. At the moment obviously I far too ill for that. Maybe I'll become a monk or something who knows. Anyway I'm curious for what the future holds. As I say I'm only 26 but find that so hard to believe!! I feel mentally and physically much much older. I think most people don't tend to get so into spirituality in their youth but more in midlife, but then that's quite exciting in a way already having read so much at my age. My dad been a devout catholic all his life and says I seem to know more on the saints and mystics than him! So one day the future is exciting to me, another is seems horrific. Funny thing this illness. 

 

I'm sorry about your morning. Didn't the melatonin make you wake depressed before once? Anyway well done for bouncing back. Though I'm not surprised seeing as you always rise up over your difficulties!! Such a roller coster for you right now! It's amazing how calm your handling it. 

 

So yeah got the book. Just got to finish off the last few pages of the Tolstoy and then onto it. I've read one of the writers on the back talking about it. I remember when I read about this book back in January or around them thinking 'I have to get this' and realising it wasn't out till May!! I was so gutted but here we are! No spoilers yeah? lol! 

 

Yeah the house if often quite quiet to be fair. My sister has finished uni but is mostly out working. My brother just finished his finals so got back today, which will be fun, we chat for hours!! He's like you, properly unbothered by possessions and all that, so very healthy person to be around!!

 

Wishing so much love to you and your wife!

 

God Bless brother

[LDN]

Gail got so much to tell you!!!!

 

First, I can't believe you were really stroking my hair last night?? Because last night I started to feel my head tingling as it was being touched - I swear on my life!! And then when I was in bed, again my head like being touched!! I thought to myself 'maybe this is gail' and then all day I was waiting with excitement to ask you if did it last night!!! That's crazy!!!! I definitely felt it - 100%! That's mad! We have some crazy connection going on here! OH WOW!!! God sent us for each other, 100%!

 

So I went to my psychiatrist today, she is so lovely. I was so excited telling her all about you and then she started crying!! How beautiful! She was so moved by our bond. That how much you mean to me, I had to tell her about you!! I told her it was one of the proudest things in my life being friends with you!! 

 

Then my brother got back from uni today and I was telling him all about you as well!! I've also told my mum and dad about you before and they say they pray for you and the others! I wish you come over and stay!! 

 

Oh man gail you make as excited as a puppy!!! 

 

So you went today HOW ABOUT THAT! Well done!  Brave brave gail! Yeah when the weather is better go the birds!! That what I do, in my garden. I just walk up and down and take the nature in and think about God and be still. I love it. 

 

So also God came to me again last night!! It was after I posted to you, straight after! I'm so weak but I had a little dance in the kitchen with joy. Oh wow if felt good! 

 

But I'm sorry you don't feel God right now, but how come be came to me both times yesterday when I was thinking of you? 1st time in the garden when I was praying for you, second time after I posted to you. So you are giving off God to me!! I'm so sad you can't feel him, but then I feel him through you, so he is in you, so so strong! 

 

It's feel so unfair, and I don't have an answer, but all I can say is he is in you so so strong! I only started feeling him very recently. For years I was like you, saying God where are you? For years of suffering. I read books about people experiencing God and felt so jealous, I couldn't understand why he hadn't come to me!!

 

Also you are not just a good person, but an amazing person. God loves so so much and definitely hasn't forgotten you! Remember Mother Teresa said in depression she felt without God!

 

It seems so unfair you have so much of God in you and yet you can't feel it. I'm sorry if me talking about it made you sad, it's just I wanted you to know that it was YOU who led to it. I maybe has never met someone who I see Jesus in than you. 

 

What can I do to help? Gail I swear when I feel God his love is not just for more but for everyone. 

 

I'll leave this passage that I mentioned before - 

 

2 Corinthians 1:3  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

 

All I want is to comfort you! I feel so bad that you help me soo much but I can't help you more!! 

 

Is there anything I can do? Remember PM me anytime.

 

Remember one last thing - in paradise you will be with God, and everything will make sense. Everything will make sense. 

 

Oh man I wish I could give you some of the happiness you give me. I can't put it in words!! 

 

I had a look at the book - it looks great by K.P. Yohannan, sounds a great guy! 

 

Anyway sorry for such a long post!! I had a lot to tell you today! 

 

Beautiful Gail 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE 

[gail]

Oh London, what a beautiful post. See pm before reading the following.

As I was saying, so so happy for you! Perhaps you should try stroking my hair!lol

Twice in a day, you are lovingly blessed. God is taking real good care of you. And thank your family for all their prayers for everyone in the forum, it means a lot. Hey, love, that's two miracles in a day!

God is so full of surprises, we just need patience, and patience. You are a true example of patience. I will think of you when I'm on the verge of throwing the dishes down the fourth floor. For sure, I will.

Now, I need to go back to bed. Will write later alligator. Love, so much love for you!

[fishinghat]

IUN

"...but it is making me angry too - it is making mental illness to become a fad... like its cool or something."

Definitely that way here. You see young and middle age ladies in the clinic coming in all the time requesting a specific antidepressant. Usually one that a friend recommended. The psychdoctors I have had complain about it a lot.

[invalidusername]

Yes... I recall you mentioning this some time ago. 

 

My head may be shot, but at least my memory is still working

[gail]

Hi again London,

Kept busy till 11am, had a wee siesta. The social worker came and just left. I like her. I cried almost all the way! I've never cried !Ike this in my whole life, still am while writing.
The well is still full!

Blood pressure, 122/70 perfect. Saturation 98, all ok. Tears still salty!lol
This morning I made date squares for an army !!!! I freeze them, they even taste better when frozen.

Dear God, where am I heading? Paradise, you say. Cool. With my white wings that are starting to grow to be ready in time. Big white wings, ahhhh, feels good to imagine this.

I'm reading three books at the same time. One that questions if the mind is in the body or is the body in the mind. We have no answers, they say. How weird! Fishinghat could answer this.

One book, title AT PEACE IN THE STORM, EXPERIENCING THE SAVIOR'S PRESENCE WHEN YOU NEED HIM THE MOST. Excellent! I found that one in my library, I didn't know that I had it. Oh London, the tears have stopped! Yeah!

Since I don't go out much, I buy my clothes on line. Three times a week, I receive a parcel, I don't even have the decency to be happy!!

My Beautiful son just called, he lives 80 miles from here. I love him so much and he's good for me.

I will let you go on that, don't forget that I stroke your hair on a regular basis. Curly? Straight? That will help me in my imagination. I figure curly. And the kiss on the forehead.
Will read you later my sweet, love you with all my heart, Gail xx

[invalidusername]

That's amazing man - the mrs has written a load of poetry too, but chooses not to publish anywhere. Maybe it is something that you both use to combat issues? I don't know. Fortunately I am not plagued by something similar. I still push myself as I had a rough time with the teachers at my secondary school, and that turned me into something of a fighter. It is a blessing and a curse really.

 

A lot of people who go through mental health end up working in the same area. They are perfect candidates. Very empathetic and are great talkers. When I had my daily visits last year, I met some amazing people, and they really helped to motivate me. 

 

The melatonin - yes, it did happen once before. This is why I am being very careful with it now. Today saw the onset of a mother of all headaches - so very painful, but I just couldn't have a third day out of seven in bed all day. It damn near finished me off going out for four hours, but I did it. I have taken a dose of Kratom for the pain this evening as I can't take anything else. And I couldn't take it before work as it would have zoned me right out - and that is not ideal when driving! I would never risk that.

 

Glad the book has arrived - will be good to exchange thoughts and notes about it as we go! I alternate between these books and kiddies fiction - I love it for the escapism. Depends on how I feel at different times of the day as to what I will read - but I still read plenty on any given day. It is the last thing to go when I am having a really bad day. 

 

So your brother will be around for a while now then I guess if he has just done finals? Quite a big family as well. How do you find they relate to all that is going on with you? Am I right in thinking you are the first born? Good that you have other healthy-minded people to bounce conversation from. Very important when you feel the way we often do. 

 

Think I will have to cut this one a little short. What with the headache and the Kratom nicely sending me off to la-la land, I worry I might nod off before I finish! 

 

Take it easy brother, and already looking forward to discussing the book.

 

Love and Light.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Yeah the poetry is definitely a release. A very high rate of poets had mental health problems - it's the art form  with the highest people with mental illness statistically. There is definitely a clear connection. It's an amazing therapy for me. You write things in poetry that you can't say in just normal writing - this is what my godmother said after I send her the poem about her husband death. The feeling I get when I write one I like and it comes easy, man it's so good. It's like something's bothering you and until you write a poem on it, it won't go away. Something will be bothering for ages and then when you finally get the right words for it, it feels like a sense of closure. I've always wanted to be creative in some way. My family is quite artistic, there a books of poetry all over the house, so I don't have to buy any!! That's cool about your wife, she sounds quite a creative person. I so hope things start to pick up for her, because I get the impression she has so much to give the world. The good thing is OCD is curable as we talked about before!! 

 

So I've got a younger brother and sister, both in their mid 20s. My sister is starting as an actress, so doing odd jobs here and there, and my brother just finished uni so going to work for a few years and then do an MA. Really happy they're both thriving. Both have pretty clear ideas of what they want to do, unlike me when I finished school, so it was such good luck it was me not them that got ill. I'm so thankful to God for that. I'm now very very open with them about everything, so they know 100% my situation. That wasn't always the case, but with time I grew more open. So nice to have young people in the house, who I chat to. Bit like a uni house. 

 

So started last night and already hooked. It spiritual book but also a page turner like a thriller. I so fascinated in the hermits and that way of life, I think after this I'll have to read more on them. There does clearly seem a correlation with a deep spirituality and being solitary, an important subject in this day and age of social media. Our old friend!!! Lol. I look forward to talking more about it. 

 

Sorry about that headache, I get them pretty bad as well. Well done for still pushing yourself, you show such determination. In terms of my day felt very weak and tired and bit overwhelmed. I got my brother to come on my walk with me, to make it less rigid. I actually got anxious, I think it was because I'm so used to doing it alone. Also it was crazy outside today, Friday early evening, everybody out. Traffic jams, really buzzing with life. I haven't been to New York and apparently that is so fast paced, but London is very hectic and go go go. It's good for exposures for sure, but I do enjoyed just being in the garden with the birds and little peace. 

 

I hope you have a great weekend. Meant to be a heatwave apparently. 

 

Love to you

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL, 

 

So I just sent you a PM, it's a bit long sorry!!

 

Anyway so yeah I should try and stroke yours! I definitely felt it 2 nights ago, my head was tingling but relaxed and soothing feeling - how crazy? So my hair is straight, quite long and blondish, brown. What about you?

 

Let those tears flow, let them all out. I had a big cry yesterday and it was lovely. I told you I never normally cry because of drugs but yesterday it was making pools on the table lol!! I felt refreshed afterwards. Gail you are so emotional, like me, it what I love. 

 

Gail you aren't just heading to Paradise, but you have first class ticket. I think all of us who suffer, we get as a reward first class ticket!!! Keep growing those wings. You soon be flying all over the world. You will fly over me and sprinkle your grace.

 

Have you heard the Beatles song Blackbird -

 

'Blackbird signing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly 

All your life

You were waiting for this moment to arise' 

 

All your life Gail you were waiting to beckon an angel!! 

 

I think the Mind is not in the body, I think the Mind is like our soul. The Mind is our essence, our personality - in the books I've read they say this carries over to the next life. Death isn't really death you know? It's only death of the physical body, the soul doesn't die. We just die to this world, it's a bit like dreaming. Now we are dreaming, and when we die it's like waking up from the dream. So it's beautiful really isn't? 

 

I hope you a have an amazing sleep and wake to a wonderful day. 

 

I will be holding your hand and stroke your hair! 

 

My angel! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE 

[gail]

Hello London,

I say that the mind is in the brain, so in our body!
Fantastic that you cried, yeah! After all that time. Funny, I haven't cried yet today!

My hair is au naturel, all white, but a la mode. So many compliments I have for my thick hair.

So, my bath is ready, not sure to go out, the fatigue is quite present.
Oh, about the physical pain, no need to worry, it's well managed with opiates. The pain is minimal. The fish is going into the hot bubble bath water now! Later my friend!

I'm back! I don't agree about our personalities being our souls. For myself, the personality dies, the ego dies! which is great, and the pure soul remains. To each our views!

You are a poet my friend! A real one, talking about my sprinkling my grace over you, so beautiful. Can't wait to read a poem of yours!

Lunch time, my body is hungry and needs fuel. Then a big siesta, much needed. I was too tired to go out. I need to go to my locker downstairs, no energy for the moment.

So, love you to the moon and back, my soul mate that I love so much. Xxxx

[invalidusername]

Please accept my apologies dear brother, but I have had something of an unkind day. I have been drugged up for most of it and whilst I am in a better place now, I cannot really concentrate. I will write more tomorrow when I am hopefully a bit more with it.

 

Here's hoping you were able to enjoy the lovely weather we were blessed with today.

 

God Bless.

[LDN]

No problem at all IUN. Never any pressure. So sorry about your day, will be praying for you! 

 

At the moment I'm super stressed, like crazy stressed. Just been filling in the ketamine forms, all the red tape stuff. One of the forms said it had to be submitted 48 hours before treatment. I'm due for treatment on Monday at 2 so I've missed the deadline. They never said to me there was a deadline!!! You would think they would have warned me. I've had the form for ages but I wanted to properly read it, before signing off on it. I had been too tired up till now, too tired to concentrate. I have to know wait till Monday morning when my Mum can call up to check it's still ok to come!!! So until then I'm going to be super stressed!! They could have at least emailed me saying I hadn't filled it, and I had to do before Saturday. The NHS sometimes deary me!! God it's stressful!! All these online forms, and I'm so ill yet meant to be in control of it all! My heads all over the place with stress, I've been waiting 5 weeks and now I might have messed it up. I just hope it one of those things they can wave over. 

 

So I need to go and calm down! 

 

But anyway I had a bad day as well. Felt depressed and uncomfortable, plus terrible physical weakness. 

 

Oh man I about to explode with stress, can't remember the last time I've felt this panicked. Why didn't they tell there was a deadline!!!!!! They have my email and number!!

 

Love to you man 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hi my dear, 

 

I think the ego dies but we have an essence that lives on - maybe not personalities but an essence, things that make us who we are, unique - that what I have read. IUN what do you think? 

 

OH wow you hair sounds so beautiful!! I can feel it right now, that wonderful thick hair!! 

 

So happy that you don't get pain, that's a relief for me! I don't have too bad pain, but such bad fatigue. Last night I almost collapsed, just feel so weak! 

 

Oh that bubble bath sounded so lovely. I have a siesta every day too, I just crash out!! 

 

I love hearing about your day gail, makes me happy. Nice to think of what your doing. 

 

It's soo hot in London right now!! WOW! 

 

Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow my angel! 

 

Love you my soul mate, love you to the moon!! 

[gail]

Hello my dearest friend,

We're not having a nice pre spring temperature here. Rain, cold, since I am mostly inside, I don't comp!ain!
Today was hand washing plus washing the floors. More or less energy, so I can do it.

Had this crying spell again this morning, could it be self pity, yes it could. Stuck as I am between the two illness, limited in my mind. But, as I previously said, weeks and months of no joy, not pleasure from God, that can bring you to your knees. And it has.

Not a very positive post, I know. I can't make believe. So, my dearest London, I will read a book then siesta time. Good !uck for tomorrow, I love you, Gail

[fishinghat]

God bless you for your honesty Gail. That is one of the reasons so many respect you.

 

Prayers and hugs from Mr and Mrs 'Hat.

[invalidusername]

Absolutely. You always know where you are with Gailage.

 

We really do have a collection of very honourable souls here - never any fear, nastiness or point scoring... none of that social media rubbish (and I right Hat?!)... just salt-of-the-earth guys and gals.

 

Hugs all round from IUN.

[fishinghat]

I certainly have been blessed by this forum.

"We really do have a collection of very honourable souls here - never any fear, nastiness or point scoring..." Very very true but I don't know about that guy fishing hat. Sometimes he thinks he has an ego issue. One thing that is very important to me is that all the members feel free to challenge me on my opinions. After so many years of doing this type of work you do get stuck in your opinions. You forget that what was once thought to be true is now thought to be wrong.

Just family taking care of family. Gail and Liz and I have been around so long I think of them as my sisters. A group of truly wonderful people with so much love and compassion.

Prayers and blessings for all.