2348 replies to this topic

[gail]

Scrat, you're right! It tends to vary. In my poor mind, it's always like that. Not true, last week, I did fine! Slow but fine. Good chance that I have you Scrat to remind me! Love you!

[gail]

London, I'm back! In and out the bed every 10 minutes. Thinking about all those wisdom phrases that you thought me. I get up and check them out. And I reread your post. A saint, you say, far from but always wanted to be a saint. My mom called me saint Gail....because I used to go to the chapel every week.

I must say that it takes a saint to endure my condition thought. But I complain to myself mostly, a saint doesn't complain!!! Bed calls again, love, love and love you!

[invalidusername]

Awww - you keep having your siesta. I've not gone anywhere myself either today. Not sleeping, but trying to find things to while the time as I nurse my broken head! Hope you get some decent snoozage and feel a bit more refreshed. After all, it is Sunday, we should all be taking it easy. 

 

Maybe we could all nip down to see Hat and have a swim?! Bless 'im. That is some crazy weather.

 

Take it easy sausage - much much lovage.

[fishinghat]

IUN - Same here in the USA with  number 13 being bad luck. In South Korea it is number 7 that is bad luck.

[invalidusername]

...and fear of the number 13 has its own name - Triskaidekaphobia!!

[invalidusername]

trisk-i-decka-phobia

 

the /i/ being the long vowel, trisk-eye, not trisk-y

 

You can do it NM... repeat after me

[invalidusername]

Ooooh - yes. Great factoid. Used to have a pewter pendant on a bit of tent guide-rope round my neck when I was younger. Lanky hippy that I was

[invalidusername]

You need to think about the whole family burden thing again brother! Your time will come when you have to look after your parents! I have already started this end, and there will be years of it to come - so don't worry about overstaying your welcome with them

 

"I think because we have such a consumeristic culture, it feels like everything is just a transaction"

 

Very insightful words. Never heard it described it that way before - but I can really see your take on life when you put it like that. Everyone is also trying to find a hidden agenda when someone it nice for no reason - a selfless act. You can do as little as smile at someone and they will think there is something wrong with you for smiling at a stranger. What a shame! But this isn't the case in other parts of our little nation, which is why I will not be spending the rest of my life in this corner - or maybe not in the UK. Who knows....

 

So I can imagine that your legs must be a tremendous source of anxiety when you are out? Especially alone. With a therapist or family you have some form of safety, but I can see how much faith you put in for getting yourself just the walks that you do. Is there somewhere on your route that you can stop and sit down and perhaps take in the environment, send a text or two? That is another way to reduce the anxiety, rather than just going point a to point b. Giving yourself the time to adapt. That is what I have done before - deliberately stayed longer in an environment to know there is nothing to fear and do my best to relax into it.

 

Today, I woke up with some more nasty head fog/ache/pain. Set a bit of depression off with it as I thought I had seen the last of it - clearly not. It was enough for me to have to stay in for the day. Managed to get quite a lot done and it was good for me to try to remove the focus of "wasting the day". On the contrary, I got a bit of study done, some artwork I have been trying to finish and wotnot. If it had been raining all day, I wouldn't have judged myself so harshly. I need to learn to be more comfortable with my solitude every now and again. I do struggle with that quite a lot as I have said before. 

 

So - how has your day been? Did you get the same lovely weather that we had a few miles down the road? Did you manage to soak up some Vit D in the garden??! 

 

Been looking at my laptop for far too long now, so I will refocus on a book for the rest of the evening I think. Look forward to picking up the latest in the morning.

 

All the best for a new week, dear brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

So today was ok. Physically I'm struggling at the moment, no doubt. Woke up so tired and aching and then the walk was a huge effort. Mentally as I said you have to give 100%, you can't lose focus because your pushing yourself physically so much. It is what it is. The duloxetine side effects for me are just devastating. I would still be not nearly 100% without it, but I know it makes things so much worse. When I was off last summer my legs felt like I had a new pair, it was incredible. Obviously the mental side wasn't good so I had to go back on this drug. It's just such a huge pity that antidepressants have such horrific side effects. My depression really is a life sentence for me. I have to be on the drug as my depression is of most severe kind and I would have to be hospitalised off it. Yet on it, at least I'm at home, but I'm in constant physical pain and can barely walk. I have to have a siesta every single day and generally I am just permanently exhausted - mentally and physically. I'm only 26, how on earth am I meant to just live the rest of my life like this? I'm so so sacred. I'm sorry but how am I meant to live another 40, 50 years of this. If I knew for sure I was going to die at 30, I would be like 'ok just 4 years to go'. That the thing with this Lyme it doesn't kill you but makes basically any human activity impossible - so great I'm meant to just sit on a sofa for the rest of my life? Before the lyme I was on a very low dose of Prozac, had no side effects at all - then I got bitten and the rest is history!! It already been 6 years of Lyme and boy that's felt like 40 or 50 years. I honestly feel about 70. I'm like how on earth am I only 26!!!!! It must be a mistake!!! I just too tired to go on man honestly, just haven't got it in me. But euthanasia goes against me and my family religious beliefs and I don't want to kill myself for my family. I just feel completely trapped. How can I get out of this? For years I've tried everything. And know I just stuck on stupid drug that makes me feel like I'm terminally ill. 

 

Having a double assault of mental and physical severe illness is just insane to deal with. The energy expanded fighting depression and physical fatigue is just crazy. I've become almost desensitised to how hard I have to push myself and on day like today you just realise like wow. Anyway I'm sorry for the rant. I've come along way in a last month or so and it's stupid to speculate about the future, even though it's almost impossible not to. I just don't want to be honest, so when I'm positive you know it real. 

 

I've just got to live for each moment. Tomorrow, who cares, right now is all that matters. Live in a perpetual now and you can't go too wrong. Focus on short term goals and little steps. Ultimately and above all, I trust God 100%. We have a plan and lets see where my journey is destined to take me. All these complaints are ultimately superficial. My body will one day inevitably die, the planet will one day cease to be - but my soul will live on. Nothing on this earth than kill my soul, so on a profound level I have nothing to fear. I will keep striving for 'kingdom of God' that is within me. I will keep striving to LOVE above all else. Keep it simple. Life isn't complicated when you really think about just love, that's it. St Augustine said this 'Love, and do what you will'. One on my favourite spiritual quotes. I keep striving for God. 

 

Happy you managed to get through the day despite it's difficult beginnings. Sounds like a very productive day. Sorry that at the moment I'm a bit self centred, just a lot of stuff coming to surface that it is good to express. I think by the sounds of it, all in all that sounds like a good weekend for you. I'm so happy things really seem to be picking up. It was about time!! But remember when you have set backs, how good things are going and that the general direction is very positive!! 

 

Funnily enough today was pretty overcast in London. But last few days have been nice. My doctor got me on Vit D supplements anyway!! 

 

Hope you enjoy the bank holiday! And best to your wife as always. 

 

Lots of love brother 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Yes my dear gail!!! I too look forward to hearing from you whenever you are strong enough to post! It my special treat!! You give me that child like excitement you know??

 

To me you are a saint - 100%. You know saints have loads of doubts too?! Mother Teresa was struggling to cope spiritually when she was dying, so they had to send a special priest all the way from Rome!! And Mother Teresa didn't have depression as well to deal with!! So to me your are my SAINT GAIL!!!

 

Well done with the stairs! As IUN says if only we could be there to take out the trash for you. I was thinking today I wish I could be with you right now, just to chat and spend time together and me help you through. But i have you on here, which is still amazing and anyway I feel your spirit with me!! 

 

To be honest I struggle with the stairs in my house, so I wouldn't be able to walk the stairs of your apartment. My legs wouldn't be able to cope I think. My house is 2 floors and I barely go to the 2nd floor. So I know how you feel. SO PROUD of you doing so well and being so brave. I need to always remember you when I struggle and need inspiration. Thank you my hero!!

 

I feel very weak at the moment and a bit sad but as I said to IUN - this won't break me!! I have God, that is all I ever wanted. I can barely walk, who cares I have God!! I feel depressed, who cares I have God!! Everyday I have one goal - to love, that's it. I told IUN St. Augustine said 'Love, and do what you will'. I love this quote. God is with me. Life on earth is impermanent, but my soul is eternal. So what is more important for me to work on my soul or my body? My soul!! So even though I feel so tired right now, my soul feels pretty good, so great! Remember not to get too attached or caught up with physical things, the spirit is where happiness really lies!!

 

Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for giving me confidence. Thank you for saying such kind things about me. You say such nice things about me, and made me feel less worthless! I love so so much gail!! 

 

I hope you had a great day. Can't wait to hear from you!! 

 

I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON!!!!!

[gail]

My sweet London,

Ouch! That was one of those days that we all go through from time to time. I read your post to IUN of course. London, you are anything but worthless, it hurts when you say that. So far from who you are. Loving, caring, inspirational, rich of soul, so rich inside.

Since I just got up, I will continue later my love! That is what I call my own son, my love. He would love you so much!

Just got up from a relaxing siesta! And I hope that the kind of day you had yesterday doesn't repeat itself today. If not, keep the faith and realize that underneath that thinking, there is a wonderful guy who at times has negative thinking like everyone, after all, you are not a saint yet lol!

THROUGH GOOD AND BAD, LET IT BE!
LET THE RHYTHM OF LIFE TAKE YOU WHERE IT WISHES!

At 1pm, expecting my beautiful social worker, guess what we talk about? Right, the things of God. She studied in theology and is now a social worker in palliative care department. I so love her! You would too!

So, I prepare questions relating to God. She has never seen that, her other clientele speak of anything but. So, on that my dear London, I let you go to prepare my visit. I love you sosososo much!

[gail]

Not myself, thank you for the kind words. It is a special thread, as you can see.

A saint?? Again! I don't know what to say anymore. Love you!

[gail]

London,

I edited my post so all my posts of the day would be in one! The last post is missing, I guess that we can't edit more than once or twice.

I wish you were here for my encounter with Naomy. She studied in theology so guess what we talk about? Right. I will need explanation about MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT...and I want to talk about Sister Theresa. I had read that she battled all her life with depression???? Naomy will be happy to learn about that special priest, unless she knows.

I see her one hour every 10 days. What a joy! Like you, she's so beautiful. She does attend Bible class also. Finally, I want to know what she thinks of St Augustine. She's just arrived, love you and love you, Gail x.

[invalidusername]

It is what it is. Interesting that you say this - exactly what I have been trying to get myself to realise today. Such a nightmare that your legs have been effected so much by the Duloxetine. I can imagine that 100% mental effort is exactly it - and not letting yourself become all wrapped up in the situation that you have been forced into. But this will not be the rest of your life. Really it won't. Some things just take longer to pass than others. I try my best never to look back over time scales, but when things get on top of you, it does seem to be one the classic go-to responses! 

 

So... if you were to find a solution to the depression and be able to get off the Duloxetine, how would this leave you regarding the effects of the Lyme? Would there still be an aftermath? And some means of rehabilitation perhaps? Euthanasia is not an option for you. There is still much for you to do here. I do feel guilty as I write this as it makes it sound like you have to be here to help others, and as amazing as you are in fulfilling this role, there will come a time to reap the rewards of your efforts. Medical science is moving forward in leaps and bounds and I really think we have hit a pivotal point for mental health. Wish it had come around a lot sooner, and it still has a long way to go, but given the state that the world is heading with the mental health epidemic, something has got to give. It is sort of like the ozone layer. You are a bit young to remember when this all kicked off, but there was such a big thing about it, and stuff started happening. I really hope this is the same for mental health. Much like greenhouse gases, it has the potential to cause devistation, just in a different way. 

 

I have more of an empathetic reminder today of the combined mental/physical situation as I woke feeling awful with head fog/pain in full force, shortly followed by an onslaught of dizziness; the likes of which I had really hoped I had left behind. I went out later in the afternoon only to be hit by a wave of something.. I am not sure what. But felt I was going to collapse. So I had to excuse myself and get back to my flat. Still not sure what it was, but it took about an hour to pass, but has since left me feeling very very uneasy. I have taken a dose of Kratom to calm myself as I couldn't bring myself together. I know it is the withdrawal but I just can't stand having to live my life not knowing what will happen from one moment to the next. But trying to tell myself, this was a one-off and hopefully whatever my brain was doing at that time will not be repeated. But it really felt like there was some major repair work going on in my brain and things had not been wired up right. Very scary.

 

All this talk of now is exactly how we need to look at it, and I feel I am getting there as I am not thinking quite so much about past and future, but still difficult when the present is miserable! But again, it could be made so much worse by not staying in the now. This is, after all, how it will be when we return to the Summerland. Time does not exist. There is no past or future - just now. How wonderful! We do really complicate things by stretching our minds to incorporate more time - this is how I am seeing it. The more time we consider at any one moment, the more stress we have the potential to encounter. I am trying to think of a suitable metaphor that I can picture during meditation that will reinforce this concept, but no luck so far. Maybe you have something that you can share?

 

Not sure if I have helped at all! I really want to, but feel I am a bit diminished mentally. But I think as you say, thinking about love and keeping it simple is the best way forward. The pagans have taken St Augustine's words there in their own mantra "And if it harm none, do as you will". A simple one rule that all pagans live by. But the addition of the love element makes it even more so!

 

Right. Brain really needs a rest. Food and meditation coming up!

 

Light and Love dear brother.

 

God Bless.

[LDN]

Oh man bad right now! Just complete assault from all directions! My legs hurt and I feel weak. I have a massive headache. I can feel no pleasure or excitement at all - I liked football and I watched a match today on my computer and I was so bored and just uninterested. I've never felt like that before watching football, ever! Wasn't even the tiniest ounce of excitement. Then my sound sensitivity is bad really really bad. I feel completely hopeless. I feel like nerve endings are sort of raw or something. I have a huge loathing towards my body and brain. They feel completely useless. All they do is bother me. I hate this shell. 

 

I'm sorry if this post is dark, I just can't take the intensity of having to live like your climbing everest every day for year after year. I'm deeply ashamed to bring such negativity on here. I have actually spoken to my psychiatrist about euthanasia, obviously she said it's illegal and so she couldn't talk about it. It just I've read of cases in Europe of people having it for depression. To be honest, I actually am against it morally for depression. I mean what if they develop a new treatment a few days after you die? I know their looking at LSD and magic mushrooms, also MDMA I think. As I've mentioned I haven't tried rTMS yet, so that's next after ketamine. 

 

I really appreciate you saying that I help people. I mean that all I really care about, to be honest. It's just the depression makes me feel like I'm a waster. If I knew I could help people I would happily live in suffering. My spiritual teachings is all about living for others, so that what I focus on. I mean if didn't have mental illness but everybody all around was suffering I wouldn't be happy!! I always say I'm so happy it was me out of my family that was chosen to take on the mantle of all this suffering, it would honestly kill me to see any of them go what I have gone through. Thank God it is me. I do know that my existence brings unbelievable joy to my family and I think that has kept me alive for the last 8 years. 

 

I've had two psychiatrists say that haven't heard depression talked about in their whole career as vividly as I do, and one of them was very experienced. It's pretty incredible thing to hear. I guess it makes me thing that God really really wants me to live, if I'm still alive after all that. 

 

Also my whole family are going to a wedding in Ireland and so I'm home alone tomorrow. This will be the 4th cousins wedding I've missed because of illness. I must say it so so hard to be this invalid stuck at home, while the rest of the family goes to celebrate. 4 weddings!! It makes me laugh as otherwise I would cry, to paraphrase Byron!! My mum leaving tomorrow morning and my dad and sister already having a great time out there!! But it want me and God want, so it what it is. 

 

So in terms of the Lyme, say I was on NO medication at all, I would still be very ill. Because of the co-infections are still hanging around and so hard to kill. Also I have my brain inflammation which was caused by Lyme, there is no treatment for this at the moment so you have to just wait on I think. My doctor thinks the brain inflammation causes the sound sensitivity. So without depression and duloxetine, I would still be ill but would have more energy so sure and my legs would feel much better. But I would still be weak and have the neurological problems. Hope that helps, but ask anymore questions if needs be. 

 

So sorry to hear about your day. At least yesterday you were doing well, so that was good news for me. Anyway, you put it perfectly your brain is working things out, as will lead to strange things happening from time to time. You had a great weekend by the sounds of things and the direction your moving in is really positive. But obviously it's not a straight line, there will be bumps. Still of course so annoying and scary!!

 

In terms of the now - spot on, everything you say. The past and future in some ways don't exist. The past are just memories the brain creates and the future is just a concept, it's not real. Sorry that wasn't very clear, but I hope you know what I am getting at! In terms of a metaphor - how about this Buddhist one my osteopath told me. I have adapted it slightly - so someone gives you a massive book (War and Peace for example), you look at it and it's daunting. You think this is going to take me so long, it's so heavy and should I even bother reading it as it's so long. A lot of people are put off this massive books by their length. However, the book is just made up of single sheets of paper put together. On it's own the sheet of paper is very insignificant, but when they are pilled together they make a thing of substance like a epic novel. This like our life. Instead of being scarred of reading it because it's so long, just start reading and forget about the length. The next thing you know your 100 pages in and the more and more you read the less and less daunting it is. Finally, you finish it and in fact you wish there was more, as you enjoyed it so much. So focusing on the length of the book is like worrying about the future. The longer the book, the more daunting it is. Yet if you just read it, you can lose yourself in it and just enjoy it and forget about it's length.

 

This analogy also works for exposures. So one page seems very insignificant and doesn't look impressive. But a epic novel is make of nothing but lots of these sheets put together. So every exposure is like a page, in the novel of your life, it's essential for the development of the novel.

 

Also you help so much trust me! I'm just sorry for having to be so negative right now. 

 

Love and light to you 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hello dear gail. I hope you had a lovely time with your social worker, how lucky you can talk about God with here. Wish I could have been with you two!! But also how lucky is she to have you!! With your deep questions and intelligence she must find you so interesting to talk too. Also your grace must warm her heart! I just wish I could jump on a plane and join you!!! lol! 

 

I was thinking about you in bed last night. It helped me soo much. I was lying there and I thought of you holding my hand and it was a beautiful moment! I love being friends with you so much, what a joy it is! You have helped so so much. You always say such nice things about me, so I think maybe I'm ok after all, even with all my problems! 

 

Thanks you for those inspiring words - 

 

THROUGH GOOD AND BAD, LET IT BE!

LET THE RHYTHM OF LIFE TAKE YOU WHERE IT WISHES!

 

So I looked up Mother Teresa and you were right it says she did have depression. So thanks for letting me know! It says she struggled with understanding God's absence in the face of so much inner pain. She called her depression her 'dark holes'. 

 

See NM agrees with me that you are a SAINT!!!! YOU ARE MY SAINT GAIL!!!!! 

 

So nice to say about your son, my mum would adore you. My mum goes to church most days, and cares for me so lovingly. 

 

Every day I look forward to your posts so so much!!! Don't feel pressure if your too tired though, but it's so wonderful to read you. YOU GIVE OFF LIGHT, SOO MUCH WONDERFUL LIGHT! 

 

Okay so i gave your hand a good squeeze just now and blow a kiss towards the screen!

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE 

[gail]

Good morning London,

Did you feel someone massaging your head? Running hands into your hair? All that like a mom does to calm her child. I couldn't sleep so I managed to make you relax , I hope.

Yesterday was quite a good day. I don't say that often. With Naomi's visit, she made my day. She will also check for Sister Theresa s depression. She did not feel God's presence. Which caused that depression. I can understand her. She used to say, I don't have Him. As for a special priest from Vatican, we both have not heard about this.

Today, I see the oncologist for treatment on my iron arm lol! My son calls me Iron mom, in my back I have quite a long titanium rod also. I have Mets at the base of my skull, I will! Ask for treatment, on each side, they are bothering me. All that before noon.

You are right about euthanasia in three or four countries of Europe. Sweeden, around that area. It is used for untreatable mental issues, my doctor asked me one day if I could do it, my answer is I'm Catholic and I would not be capable of doing this. There are much more worst case than myself. Even though, I do ask God to come and get me pretty often. When I let myself go in what's the use, no pleasure, what will happen etc.

I see that you are stuck in a depressed phase.if you don't mind my love, I have a few questions. On what dosage are you re Cymbalta? You stopped then reinstated. Couldn't you have chosen another antidepressant? At times, you say that you're drugged, what other drugs do you take?

Since you live in London, can't your get that tea Kratom to ease your days? Too bad it's illegal here. Now, it's past 7am, I will take a break and be back later this afternoon. Don't go away, I love you Soo much.

[gail]

Hi love,

Not taking Any chances to lose my post this time. Well, I just came back, with marks of ink all across my arms and thorax to get ready for radiotherapy next Monday. I'm such in a fragile state that I cried most of the time. Good thing that a lady friend was with me.

When I stepped out the door of the oncologist, I asked if I was a candidate for help to die. She'll check the criteria and !et me know. Not that I want that but just in case....it's legal here.

So so tired, in dire need of a siesta. I feel so sad. Fragile. Ok, now, it's God's time,love you to the sun...

[invalidusername]

Wish I could have been with you today brother... especially as you were alone without the family. I hope all went well.

 

Really sounds like you did get it from every direction - physically and mentally. You have no reason to hold back here on the forum. I feel your pain, and it is every bit important to see from both sides that you are not alone. But this is how it works on the forum, sometimes others are up whilst others are down.. sometimes all down... sometimes all up - wahey!! Doesn't matter when, where or who - problems shared and problems halved. You do not harm me by writing as you will. I like that you can write this - very brave - and I will do all I can to help. 

 

VinPin was also mentioning his over-sensitised hearing today in his thread. I try to imagine what it must be like, and in my line of work, it would be a real problem! Treatments are popping up all the time, and I think it is amazing to see what it being considered to give people a better quality of life. For your pain and depression, I would of course suggest the same as I did for NM. She has found the wonderful benefits of the Kratom tree. Now I know just how much of a bad seed has been spread by the big pharmas, but it truly is an amazing thing. It has given people their lives back. Helped people come off hard drugs, taken pain away, cured PTSD from veterans... I will post the link I shared with NM and you can have a read. I will leave it with you as everyone has their own opinion, but if you want to know more, I have read just about every bit of info going, and as I said to NM, I would never consider recommending something if I felt it was in any way harmful. On the contrary, it is far far safer than any medicinal drug.

 

https://www.webmd.co...KRATOM&sortby=3

 

I think I would certainly consider it before MDMA or the 'shroom! 

 

I'm going to get my day out of the way as it isn't pretty. I woke to a continuation of the bad head fog/ache, but as soon as I moved I realised that the worst case of dizziness had joined the party. My eyes were all over the place, couldn't do anything with myself. Also got pins and needles in my right hand side from somewhere. I got checked up by medics and they wanted to take me to hospital, but I just couldn't deal with that. I said I would stick it out as my vitals were OK. The dizziness is better, but my head is still all over the place and of course, I am very anxious about tomorrow... work, shopping, looking after the wife etc. JUST like you, I hate this shell, this brain... Had enough of being so ill all the time. In three days, I have only been outside for 2 hours. I feel like a damn pensioner in a rest home.

 

Anyway - great that you can see your way of helping people. Just looking at Rinpoche (currently reading), who went through a crazy amount of suffering, to the point of helplessness, depression and the brink of death - and amazing what he got out of it. His time out from the monastry was a lot more than he bargained for, by his own admission, but he doesn't regret it. To think that we could be doing the same - looking back - whilst still here on earth - and saying that we do not regret what had befallen us. I long for this day. Not just for the suffering to end, but to live the rest of my life in the knowledge of what I have learnt.

 

Thank you for clarifying the Lyme situation. The brain inflammation thing can have such a bearing on depression as well, which would explain the severity of it. In theory, this should also reduce with the reduction of the Lyme. Just need to find a way to accellerate the process!

 

The War and Peace is a wonderful metaphor - I knew you would have one!! Great! I'll remember that one. The only thing that still gets me is when your present is something you don't want to dwell on - and you want to think of the future as it holds something better - hopefully. Today, now, for example. I want to think tomorrow would be better. I know we can still transcend our thoughts, but our waking musings are still something to be tackled.

 

Anyway, will post this up for you as I can see you are already on the forum!! Hear from you soon, and again, hope the solitary day went well.

 

Much love to you brother.

 

God Bless.

[invalidusername]

Can't believe I missed Gail's post earlier! She has also mentioned the Kratom, so that it another one in favour - how I wish we could also help you Gailage! Feel guilty about having the benefits that your country forbids...

 

One of my closest friends also has a metal rod in his back! Different reasons, and I forget the name, but it was a birth defect causing a collapsed lung. Amazing what they did all those years ago so that he can still be with us now.

 

My prayers will be with you for the various treatments, and do what you can to ignore what they are having to do to your "shell" as well. So much maintenance needed on our silly bodies!! It is good to see them as that though so we can focus more on the spirit within. I pity all those that are into their looks - we can't take it with us!! Please keep us all updated sweetpea...

 

Much lovage... er... to Saturn and back!!

[LDN]

Hello my dear dear gail! 

 

So guess what?? Last night I was really calm and relaxed and just in a very peaceful place!!! It was most calm evening I had in ages! I felt a lovely feeling of peace all over! How about that? So thank you for thinking of me and massaging my head and put your hands through my hair - IT WORKED!! I cherish every day I have with you and love you so much!! The love that is in my heart for you - WOW! It's a burning fire ball of LOVE that keeps me warm in the cold of depression. 

 

I come from a very Catholic family - my mum and dad, some of my aunts and uncles, 3 out of 4 of my grandparents!! It's quite unusual to be Catholic in England as well. I went to Catholic school. I'm named after a Catholic martyr! Westminster Cathedral is the main Catholic church in England. My therapist is also Catholic and she has read Mother Teresa's autobiography and told that story about the priest from the Vatican!! 

 

OHH gail what a hero. I can barely cope to think about how painful it must be to have to iron rods! Just so so brave!! I didn't realise you have more radiotherapy I hope it goes so well! On Monday I start Ketamine so we will both be having treatment on the same day!! I hope the radiotherapy is not too tiring!! Is the hospital near you? Oh i wish I could be with you lovely, but i will be in spirit! 

 

So too your questions I'm on 120mg cymbalta, I stopped last summer and it was so awful I had to go back on. I tried reducing my dose earlier this year and again I couldn't cope so went back to 120mg. Then I also take 3 0.5 mg of clonazepam and 25mg at night of chlorpromazine. So yeah I feel pretty drugged up at the moment. It makes it hard to cry, which is sad as I like to cry, to let everything flow! But I can still feel LOVE - which is most important! 

 

I'm very fragile as well right now my love. I'm such an emotional person and so sensitive. I'm not ashamed of it, in fact I'm proud. A lot of men hide their emotions, but not me. I just can't hold them in, it's not me. I like to be myself, which is very emotional. When I'm good and feel God with me I feel AMAZING but when i'm sad and depressed I get so low. If we had met when we were well, we would have just got on crazy well!! But it's beautiful to have this love we have while we are both suffering so we can share together and hold each others hands and massaged our heads!! It's one of the highlights of my life being friends! You'll always be in my heart!! 

 

Anyway I feel a bit sad so I'm going to do some spiritual reading. God knows what he is doing, you know I completely trust him. I may feel sad but I know God has a plan for me. So i will just do my best and let God lead me where is my destiny - simple!! I just give myself up to God. Even if your sad, you can do this. I feel safe, even though the depression makes me scared and gives me anxiety, deep down I feel safe because I have God - so what to fear? 

 

Also I always forget to tell you but once a girl told me I looked like SID from ICE AGE LOL! I think she meant it as a complement lol - that was back when I was out in london with my friend in the days I wasn't such a good boy as now LOL! 

 

I WILL BE HOLDING YOUR HAND MY SAINT!!!!

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

IUN that message hit me deep (in a good way)! Just beautiful words man. So happy to have you with me on this journey! That meant a lot and today I needed it!!! Also I was reading what you have gone through today and then to come on here and give me such compassion and hope and attention- wow! You are very very special person my friend - I hope you know that! It's a privilege to have met you, it really is. As I said to gail, I'm an emotional guy, so I just really like to open up emotionally. So I just have to tell you how much you mean to me! Not very british I know to be so emotionally or typically masculine, but I've got be myself, hiding who I really am isn't going to help me in the long run you know? My psychiatrist is spanish and always we joke about how different I am to most british men she has met! She likes it though and encourages it. My therapist is also a women and I again she is very sensitive and loves me being my emotional self. Anyway, the main thing is to be able to be so helpful when clearly you've had a horror day is just incredible. Your so wise man, you go against the grain of where society unfortunately is at right now, with it's obsession with appearance and luxury, which you so pointed out about our looks to gail!! I see all my generation on social media and it's crazy from the outside man. Society at the moment seems to promote the most trivial things - people photoshopping all their pictures, wanting the latest this and that, glorifying material success. I think people need the real Jesus more than ever. To be honest though if I wasn't ill I wouldn't see it so clearly, by being outside of it you can see how crazy it is. 

 

You feel like a pensioner in a retirement home - welcome to my world my friend!! This is a perfect description of how I feel right now! Or have felt for ages! That why I was saying I feel 70, not 26!! I'm like how can I be 26 you know, I mean I've hardly been able to walk properly for 6 years. I haven't run since then of course. Anyway, it's only flesh and bones and blood and no one can stop your body ageing, whereas your spirit totally transcends that. 

 

Again so sorry about your day. After such a good weekend, it's cruel. I will pray tomorrow is much better. Anyway as I say remember your progress overall is fantastic I think, but this is just a blip. I remember when you said it was really difficult driving and then things seemed to pick up! Things will get better but of course just damn annoying in the present!! 

 

Thanks for all the Kratom stuff. How did you find out about it? I had never heard of it. I had a brief look and you were right about the scare stories, this must have the Big pharma sweating lol!! Anyway I always prefer going natural, so will try and have a good look. Definitely something I might consider for emergencies or if the next few treatments don't work. Quite exciting really, so thanks for that! Also, by the sounds it's been amazing for NM!!!

 

Yeah absolutely right about brain inflammation causing depression. This is the second time for me, as after I had measles when I was 19 I post measles brain inflammation, and caused one hell of a brutal depression. I just have a useless blood brain barrier to thank!! I think the brain inflammation is the biggest issue, if we can somehow help with that, then most things will fall into place! 

 

Great your reading Rinpoche, I didn't know you had started! It next for me, after I finish what I'm reading! Did you buy it or reading online? 

 

So in terms of my day - not good. Feel pretty bad about missing out on everybody having a good time in Ireland and the sort of juxtaposition with me at home. I enjoyed my walk though, even though it was same route. Felt pretty depressed earlier tonight, but rode it and now feeling a bit more stable. 

 

So so hope tomorrow is better for you! Again thanks for everything, it's a privilege being on here - wonderful place, a blessed place! 

 

God Bless brother

[gail]

My lovely London,

Looking like Sid! I love that Sid to the moon, and straight to Jupiter!
I'm happy that you were so relaxed the day before. Mystery! Could it have been done by my imagination? I'll try again without telling you when.

Spirituality runs in your family, as I can see! I'm so tired, I will have to continue later!

We are now later, I have no energy to even write. Sorry my love, hope I can catch up tomorrow. All my love to you London, I will stroke your hair while I fall asleep. Love love love is all you need!

[gail]

Hello again sweet friend,

So, I've been in and out of bed all day. Thank goodness that I can sleep. Worrying about a headache, about low grade temperature, a pain on my lower skull, a cough,etc and whatever passes by.

I was shaken, my friend related that a family member had asked for medical aid to die and has received it a few days back. It is legal in Canada for people at the end of their life.
That got me thinking about myself, not knowing what awaits me. Like, will I need this?

So that was my shitty day. But tomorrow, I go out shopping for eye glasses for reading. We get that at the drug store. Ah my sweet London! Thank God that not every day is like this. I get scared, any verses for that? Any words of wisdom my friend for that? Let it be!

I seem far away from God today, yesterday also. Oh, please give me strength.

Thanks for clarifying the meds. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.....it must help somewhere, right?

Look into this Kratom tea, it's worth it. Too bad it's illegal here, I would really bet myself a cup!

Ok, closing up the shop for today, may tomorrow be a better day for all that are reading.
Love you so dearly my sweet friend, see you tomorrow!

PS the hospital is twenty minutes away.