2348 replies to this topic

[invalidusername]

Interesting that you also have strange feeliings after a long kip. I wonder what it could be. Before all the mixing of pills I would feel fantastic after a long sleep - hopefully it will return. You can't beat the feeling of a nice lie in.

 

I knew you would have a room similar to my own! You had to! If it weren't for books, it would be more minimal, but it would never happen. Books are like having a pet around you. They are comforting as I am sure you will agree.

 

Today has been another relatively good day. Far better than last week, no question, but still having trouble finding pleasure. I seem to be stuck at around 65% or so. Like I have hit a ceiling that cannot be moved. However, that said, I have had great news that my natural therapy has helped NM which has filled me with joy. I have shot up a good few percent - so it is there. I guess I just have to be patient. Sorry NM, was I allowed to divulge?! I am just so very happy for you!!

 

Your exposures are getting crazy! That was HUGE. So how long was the walk to get there? Victoria station is a massive place, nice and open, but still plenty of people. Thank you so much for my candle - I am picturing the scene now - I am very moved.

 

Regarding the vote, I hope it went well, or that if you felt it was too much that you didn't feel pressure. You know best what and how much, but sometimes we all need reminding that we need to take a step back to recover. I am one for this for sure. When I get a boost, I get a bit hyper and do "all the things I have been waiting weeks to do"!

 

Was going to ask about the ketamine as I couldn't remember. But just think back to when we were talking and you were saying how you didn't know how you would make it through - yet here you are - and with so much progress to go along with it. This really is a turning point for you - don't doubt that. Even worst case scenario and the "special k" does not do much, you still have where you are now. It will be overcome!

 

OK - late for my medidation! Thanks again for my candle... and take it easy.

 

Much love and Blessings

[LDN]

Yeah it's so much easier to do big exposures when my therapist just asks on the spot, I don't have that build up of worry and stress. Last weak it was Victoria and now this the Cathedral. It took probably about 35 mins to walk there and back, with a brief spell inside. I hope to spend longer in there soon, after one of my sessions. So yeah today was tough. I woke really anxious for the 1st time in ages and then obviously felt nervous about going to vote. I felt a lot of pressure to go because I didn't want to let down those who were expecting me to go. At the same time I was too sacred to go last year, and I wanted  to overcome that fear. So I walked there and went in and did it, it was all new to me. I came out and I was actually feeling alright, so rather than just go straight home, I took a longer route. This new route was too much for me and I became very anxious and have this sort of feeling of being desperate to get home which I never normally have. I think the fact I walk pretty the same route most days definitely gives a false sense of security as you said. It was the worst anxiety I've felt for a long time, so that was pretty disappointing really. It seems ridicules that just going down a different street can make me so anxious. I think the fact that my exposures have gone so well up till now have obvious make it really strange when one doesn't go well. I think I need to be a bit more humble and remember where I came from only a few weeks ago. I need to realise that one bad exposure doesn't define me and that I should be grateful for the good ones. Obviously, though it knocks your confidence and I feel a bit deflated to put it mildly. I had forgot how horrible anxiety can be, how it takes all pleasure away and makes you feel so weak and pathetic. It also is just exhausting and seems to just eat you up. Anyway it moments like these I need to turn to my teachings and just let it be. I said to myself today when I got back 'the anxiety can't hurt me, unless I let it' and that really struck a cord and helped a lot. 

 

I know the ketamine is for depression, but I wonder if it helps anxiety? To be honest my depression has just lifted out of the blue, very strange, though obviously I'm happy about that. Saying that I think the anxiety can lead to depression and I'm feeling not great tonight, a little fragile. I guess it just gave me a shock today, having the day before literally walked all through Victoria and then in a Cathedral and felt no anxiety and then a day later my near by streets make me anxious? How does work? Man this mental illness is just so confusing!! As I say just let it be and ride the waves. 

 

Yeah you make a good point about how I was just hoping to somehow get through till the ketamine started and then now the picture is very different. Ironically, if I had started the ketamine a few weeks ago I would be sure that me feeling much better now was down to the ketamine!! I just shows how difficult it is to know what's coincidence or not. Anyway thanks for the positivity, I need to be reminded of how far I've come in a short space of time. Just it never stops having to make calculations of what too much and what not, imagine just being to do stuff and not worry about a potential backlash. It's crazy how you have to balance that sort of contradiction of being bold and being cautious at the same time??

 

Anyway pleased that you had a good day, really pleased!! So great your week was better than last, really hope this is the start of a continuing trend. Yeah I feel you about the pleasure thing, apart from books I feel like that. I really rely on my spirituality for excitement now, which may sound weird!! I guess just God is so much bigger than everything else, just trying to get closer to him seems all that matters. Everything else seems rather futile when compared to getting to know the source, the creator of all things, the essence of all life, for who I only breath thanks to him. Though today I'm feeling flat and just like sort of 'what's the point' sort of mood. I was very apathetic when my depression was so bad recently and tonight I feel a bit of that greyness. But obviously it didn't last, so I will remind myself of that. 

 

Yeah agree about the books, just lose myself in them when stressed or need a bit of relief. And imagine I was without that for 7 years!!! Patience pays of, that the lesson for sure! Miracles can happen!! That's why I'm a bit hopefully of neurological improvements as i've done it before. It took my brain 7 years to be ready to read again but what to say it's not working away right now on other things? You have to have hope, but the nice thing I have evidence to back up my hope. 

 

It was a honour to light you a candle, I think about you and rest of musketeers so much. I always had it mind that's what I would do if I went to the cathedral. 

 

Anyway, tomorrow got osteopath then finally a few days off till next Thursday!! I'm going to need that rest!! 

 

Love to you and your wife and thanks as always for all the support. 

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail I hope the treatment went well, do the nurses come to your house? When I was in Germany for my treatment for Lyme I had about 4 intravenous a day, they had a needle in my arm for 2 and half weeks and they would just switch the IVs into it! 

 

Your so so brave, well done!!

 

At my worst of Lyme disease I would sleep for about 14 hours a day I think, not that much now, though after 4 or 5 hours of being up I have a siesta for 2 hours. I sleep like a baby lol, that what the nurses told me!!

 

That cool about the stones, I like holding them in your hand and just rubbing them, it's very soothing. 

 

Hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow. Remember just ride the waves, don't fight them! 

 

Love you so much 

 

As always praying for you and thinking of you 

[LDN]

NM so so happy about the news from IUN!!! YEHHHH!! 

 

Thanks for your lovely words as usual. Your posts just brim with love!!

 

When I was anxious today I went in the garden and a blackbird sung to me. I managed to get really close to it for quite a while, it didn't mind me watching it!! I think we are onto something here with bird therapy!! It's so nice when you get watch them close up! 

 

Hope you have a beautiful day tomorrow! 

 

I lit a candle for you and the other musketeers in Westminster Cathedral on Wednesday!

 

Lots of love

 

God Bless

[LDN]

GAIL just saw your post on the other thread!! I'm so sorry for you and I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help. 

 

So firstly remember - LET THE RTHYM OF LIFE TAKE YOU WHERE IT WISHES - i know that one helps. 

 

Also here are some Bible quotes to help - 

 

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

 

John 16:20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.

 

Romans 8: 37-38 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

2 Corinthians 1:3  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

 

The last is me for you, as God has given me comfort I want to help you with the help God has given me. SO remember I am always here for you. I want to help you in any way. 

 

'I wonder why God leaves me like this?' - I used to always think this, but then did he not do the same for JESUS?? And Jesus said 'MY GOD, MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?'. So Jesus literally asked the same question you asked!!!! If God made his son suffer there must be a reason, we will one day know.  

 

I will say lastly I honestly deeply believe suffering is a special blessing from God, it must be as Jesus suffered so so much. When you feel depressed remember Jesus on the cross. So remember ALL WILL BE WELL AND WE JUST GIVE OURSELVES TO WAVES OF LIFE!!

 

Also please remember how much joy you give me gail, please remember!! 

 

TONIGHT I WILL PRAY FOR YOU

 

Remember we are a team gail!! IN THE END EVERYTHING WILL BE BEAUTIFUL!

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[LDN]

AND I JUST GAVE YOUR HAND A SQUEEZE AS WELL!!!!!

[gail]

Where is my long post? Lost it?

Start anew! Make it shorter. I was saying how much I appreciated your verses, I am familiar with them.

Talking about your voting today.

And how I lost it this morning, having a slight fever, it's back to normal now.
I took ativAns to calm me down. I am calm now.

Sorry my love, since the other post vanished, this will be short.

Going out today to buy candles, fruits, chocolate!!!yes! I was saying that I wanted to do like NM, a ritual with candles for all of you, and a big candle for all people who are suffering.

That's about it for now. Bath time. Speak to you real soon, love you to the moon!

[gail]

They saved it, but where? Scrat, you there?

[gail]

It was about verses from london, it's saved somewhere, they said, but where?
Hello NM!

[gail]

Really?!?! I'm ok NM. Will check the meditation one.

[invalidusername]

I'm here but cannot see the posts - sorry

[gail]

London etc,

After my panic about my low grade fever, early this morning, all went well for the rest of the day. Did my errands, three different places, I was completely done when I came back.

My friend brought all my stuff upstairs while I was almost going one step forward and one backward. He undid all the bags while I was sitting down with my heating pad. What a good friend, thank you God.

Had a short siesta, now I'm hungry. My candles are ready to be lit up, I'll make it a ritual.

Ready for supper, see you later my sweet London. ? love.

[invalidusername]

Bit of a late one from me - hope you aren't early with your replies this evening!

 

I would say that your anxiety was all down to the voting situation. This would have been playing on your mind and would have set the wheels in motion. The pressure to overcome as well - it will have all added up, so the fact that you did it anyway, and stared it down is an amazing thing. The "deperate feeling to get home" I have had many times before - fortunately not for a while, but being the safety zone, it is natural to feel this way. When my anxiety turned to being more concerned with health it didn't really matter where I was, I could still have anxiety, and that helped me getting anxious when not at home - it didn't matter if I was at home as I would still feel the same, so I might as well stay where I was and in whatever situation I was in. But you should not feel disappointed. Far be it from me to tell you something else, but maybe you should have gone your usual route back - possibly the one step too far we were only talking about yesterday. But... you still did what you set out to do - and that is the main thing. A job very much well done!

 

I woke to some depression from somewhere. No idea where. Just the stuff that is there waiting for you. I felt super vulnerable, like the slightest thing could tip me over the edge. It was then that my neighbour started kicking off about some rubbish in his garden from one of the bins. He went absolutely sparco and I just couldn't deal with it, so I walked away. When I got home he started a fight with me. He was absolutely drunk and shouting his head off. Fortunately I have dealt with similar circumstances, so managed to keep clear of getting hurt, but put my stress levels up, which in turn bought some depression back. I have chilled this evening with some music and TV to blot it out and now doing my meditation. I couldn't do any earlier today as my focus just went straight to stress. Anyway, new day tomorrow.

 

According to sources, Ketamine is every bit a good therapy for anxiety and PTSD. And yes, a good thing that you had this time between to realise exactly what you are capable of without it. Again, what we were talking about yesterday. God works in mysterious ways. This would be one of them. Why is He making you wait so long for something that will make you better? Because He knows and wants you to see that you have the power to hear yourself too - so that if the K doesn't work, you know the world will not cave in...

 

I hope some of the apathy has lifted - again quite likely the anxious moment. A little slip in many days of success and it feels like it is all crumbling down. We all know it too well. This is where you pull in your spiritual resources. Don't let yourself get caught up in the thought spiral. The small anxiety set-back is one thing, and yes, it might put you back a day or two, but it is the thoughts that follow that will carry you the greater distance, and you know they are only thoughts. Meditate on it and seek the truth.

 

Speaking of which, time for my meditation. I need to practise what I am preaching here and not let the issues of the day get to me.

 

Will be waiting to hear how the day went. Here's to a good bank holiday weekend!

 

Love and prayers to you brother.

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Hey man well unfortunately the apathy and a general sense of malaise and depression are with me right now. I just feel so negative, can't access positive energy. Would cry but I'm too drugged up. I hate feeling so bitter, it's not me as I'm sure you have seen. Generally, I'm a very positive person but tonight it's just i can't be bothered with the effort of life and just feel very unconnected and alone. That the thing with depression it makes you feel so isolated, and then this leads to a bitterness towards the outside world. It's not pleasant to feel these dark emotions. I just suddenly feel very hateful and that the opposite of my values and personality. This sudden sense of abandonment is just weird. Sorry for this. I'm pretty typing out my emotions as they come to in real time. I'm really sorry for this, I'm tempted to delete it, but then I'm always honest with you. If wasn't honest you wouldn't know if I was making it up in the good times. Anyway deep down the love is there, God is there, it's been obscured by the depression. Anyway sorry. 

 

General my day was ok. Was tiring going to the osteopath this morning and mentally I felt very tired. But the dark depression has only really come on just recently. Sometimes I feel so impatient, it's like I just be bothered with the effort of living mental and physically disabled. It shows I still have a way to go with moving on from material and fleshly attachments. What do I want? I want to be closer and closer to God and spread love. Do my disabilities hinder my ability to do these things? No, in fact they make my goals easier. Therefore I should be thankful for them, but when I'm depressed I think if my body worked and I could live a 'normal' life everything would suddenly be great, which is of course rubbish. I could have a healthy body but still be spiritually poor. I'm on my spiritual journey, the key word being journey so I have to keep working. Some days the exhaustion and hurting legs are break through my mind over matter mentality and bother me. But the good thing is that those days are less than they used to be, today is just one of those days. Some days the depression is going to get the better of my mental discipline, that's ok, again it seems to be much less than before. Anyway I appreciate you putting up with me spouting off like this. I love you for that man, I really do. I can't thank you enough, and trust me it's not a coincidence that I've be doing better since being on here. I've needing that friendship and somehow to get things off my chest. 

 

Anyway what you had to go through sounds horrific. That would have caused me to have a breakdown. It cant face confrontation and fights right now. I haven't got the energy. I'm so sorry you had to face that. I guess though it may be tough the Christian thing to do is just have sympathy and love for that guy. I mean why is getting drunk and getting into fights with neighbours about bins?? He must live a sad life to be behaving like that. In these situations I just remember Jesus words on the cross 'Father forgive them they know not what they do'. Beautiful, beautiful words, that hit me every time. Though I'm sorry you had to face that with your situation right now, but you sounded like you dealt with it brilliantly and so maturely. Happy you could unwind a bit in the evening.

 

Thanks for those kind words of encouragement. I do feel despite my complaints they don't pierce as deep as they did a few months back, and put that down to my faith. I really has created a sort force field around me, that reduces the pain and despair I feel. I guess I have that peace deep within me that all will be beautiful, not only in the next life, but in this life. Through nurturing my spiritual tools this world can become in own kind of paradise. This is what the some of great saints achieved and also what they talk of in Buddhism when they say you don't have to die to get to nirvana. As Jesus said 'the kingdom of God is within you'. I can see the kingdom in the far distance, and know I just want to get closer and closer. This Christian / Buddhist message has honestly changed my life. Before it was like 'let's just make 30, that's my target', whereas now the thought of years more of living doesn't scare me so much. Isn't just amazing that the keys to fulfilment are with us all the time, and yet we as mankind pursue all sort of external things, when it's right here all along. 

 

Anyway just writing this message has made me feel a lot better, so thanks for being there. I think writing it out has helped remind me of my teachings and thinking out loud to you, I've sort of found a sense of peace!!! Again so sorry this massive post of self-indulgence lol!! Just PM the cost of this therapy session yeah?? Lol. 

 

Hoping for a wonderful long weekend and as always please send your wife my best on her journey. 

 

I will be praying for you both. 

 

God Bless brother

[LDN]

Hey my dear Gail wow well done! WHAT A DAY!

 

I felt so sad for you last night and was determined to do my best to help. It is wonderful news today was good for you. Thank you so much for filling me in, I love to hear how you are, as I think about you so much!! 

 

Candles, fruits and chocolates!! That's incredible! What a hero you are!! What a fantastic achievement after how you felt yesterday!!! I'M SO PROUD! I will remember your bravery next time I face a challenge. Sorry you lost your post but you send me such brilliant news!!! 

 

Lovely about the candles for all who a suffering, I did that in the cathedral for you and rest of the musketeers as I mentioned to you. 

 

I hope you had a nice supper, my doctor banned me from eating sugar so have a chocolate for me!!

 

My day was a bit difficult but then as I was writing to IUN the LOVE came through. God came through to help me. 

 

I hope you remember next time your depressed that it didn't last and in fact you had a great day afterwards. It shows just ride those waves when they come. 

 

Lovely to hear your news and always i love your posts, they fill me with JOY!!! I wish you could be in my heart right now and feel how much love you give me Gail! 

 

I love you to the moon and back!! 

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE

[gail]

London,

You amaze me! Bringing yourself from depression to faith just by writing and using your spiritual tool box! People who have the chance to read you may consider themselves blessed.

Have you Any idea of how much you are helping people through your writings?

Yes, the nurse comes to my place, inserts the needle, plugs the meds to it and leaves. It takes four hours to empty. Then I unplug myself. Easy stuff.

I read about your exploit that turned to anxiety then depression. Give yourself a brake this weekend. Scrat mentioned all you could do before ketamine, should it not work, at least you know that you can function pretty well without it.

A bit tired, will be back later on the same post while editing it. I love you so much, as you were my son. Later love!

[gail]

Hello again,

AFTER my yesterday exploits, today proves to be a real tired day. I was talking to a friend and I was saying, well questioning myself about my mental illness and my physical illness.
Too what extent does the physical illness play a role via mental illness.

I often don't know which is which. I need to know, in fact I need to know that it's the physical illness that keeps me from doing things. And not the mental issues. It may sound complicated, at least I understand what I'm saying. I know both play a role here.

Sorry about all that. Hope your day is better, I lit a candle for you this morning with a prayer. Going for a siesta now, see you soon my dearest friend. Gail

[fishinghat]

My dear Gail

 

It is impossible to tell which is bothering you at a given time. Physical ailments are stressful and as such will cause stress reactions to the brain (anxiety, depression, etc) while mental illnesses cause physical stress like low immune system, heart pounding, stomach issues and much more. It is sort of like asking which came first the chicken or the egg.

[invalidusername]

Perfect analogy.

 

If we knew what caused what, things would be so much simpler. It is often our innate need for knowing that causes more stress. Knowing would give a reason, and thereby a means for cure in a majority of cases. 

 

But alas, it is out lot in life to never have things simple! We need to accept that some questions remain unanswered, and no amount of thinking will take us anywhere apart from frustration. 

 

God, and those who have gone before may well understand, but it is not for use to know during our work here on earth.

 

This is where faith comes in my darling... mon petit chére!

[fishinghat]

"It is often our innate need for knowing that causes more stress."

Totally agree.

[gail]

Thanks guys! Just knowing that it was the physical that takes over, it would be easier for me to relax in it.
And knowing that it's the depression, it would tense me more, as it is in the moment.

I rather stay to myself, I'm physically ill, this is why that .......
Then saying, I'm mentally ill, this is why that....

So, I'm ill, this will do. Reunite both in one. Again, my friends, thank you for taking good care of me. Je vous aime, a big hug to J and to V.

[invalidusername]

First up - no apologies my dear friend. None at all. It's what we are all here for. Very upsetting that you have had a downturn, but they always seem bad following a fall from such a height of good times. I know it is all so easy just to say look back at what you have achieved, but I know only too well that these can seem like a distant memory whilst you are in the thick of it. Best I can do is to say that thoughts and prayers are with you - and you have already found your way to trust in God at these times. That is the best thing YOU can do. Between us all, we'll see you through. Remember it is good times, with a smattering of not-so-good times, not the other way around! Lets get that glass half full not half empty!!

 

I am trying to imagine the issue you have with your legs. Just so I can get my empathy right (!) can you explain exactly what occurs? I am very fortunate that my physical symptoms seem to slowly be fading, although some do come up and still surprise me. Like today, I had to have a nap in the middle of the day! I was just so fatigued. Its either one or the other and you have nowhere to turn your focus to blame one for the other. It is just like our Gailage has been saying earlier today - which causes which. It got me thinking - as these things do, and I really shouldn't! I need to follow my own advice - but that is such a difficult thing to do! We are great at talking the way round to others, but self-talk... no! LOL.

 

Had a relatively good day - avoided all the neighbours! But I went to see my friend as I often do at the weekend and was able to relax for the first time in a long while - as despite feeling tired, I was not worried about other physical symptoms getting in the way. Nice long walk and fresh air too. Still very apprehensive about the mornings. They all start with some sort of depression and I am always left wondering whether it will go, of if it will turn out to be "one of those days".

 

I like to ponder on the Kingdom being within us, and I think the closest I can come to this is during meditation. I am keeping going! Takes a lot of effort sometimes and determination to start doing it, but once there, you know it is right.

 

Glad you felt better for writing, and again this is what it is all about. Knowing that there are people out there who will read and understand what it is you are going through. You'd never need be alone again! I too know that I was meant to come to this forum, and you can imagine what I was thinking in my head when the mental health team told me to stop coming to the forum! I told them to take a look some time and not to write these things off before you have the facts. Went down like a lead balloon of course!!

 

Hope you have some moments to while away in the garden in what hopes to be a nice weekend. Neither of us has quite the nature spectacle that NM has, but we can let our imaginations off the leash and hope for the best

 

Looking forward to hearing from you brother, and remember, don't hold back... write what you will!

 

God Bless

[LDN]

Gail i was thinking of you this evening and I thought to myself 'gail is like my second mum' and then I come on here and you say 'you love me like a son' - our brains think alike!!! For you to say that means the world to me. My drugs stop me from crying but when I read you where struggling the other day I cried and then when I read your post today i had tears! I had don't know why God has blessed me with you, I can only thank him so much. I already believed in God but if I didn't meeting you would have made me believe in him. His presence is just so strong in you, to me you are my inspiration and basically a saint. 

 

I really 100% mean this when I say that you are one of my favourite people I have met in my whole life! It is one of the most honoured I've ever felt to meet you. Every post from you gives me so so much happiness, I re-read them again and again. Once in a while in your life you meet people who change your life forever - to me you are one of those people. You have changed my life 100%. 

 

I tell my mum and dad that I feel God most strongly when I'm on this forum. I told them it is maybe the closest I've felt to Jesus in my whole life. When I'm on here I just have this thought 'I LOVE GOD, I LOVE GOD, I LOVE GOD'. AND I FEEL THE LOVE. I just want to run to God and tell 'I will do anything for you!'. 

 

For most of the last 8 years of my serious depression I never went on a forum or had contact with people apart from my family. At first I didn't even talk to my family about my depression, even that was very hard. So to come on here and meet this just unbelievable community who accepted me and showed me love, can you imagine how amazing that feels! I was an outcast before I came on here, but now I have my community. That why I can do more exposures now because I feel at least a little happy in my skin for the 1st time since I was 18/19. 

 

I know you said you don't give yourself credit for your good things but say that it is God. I want to tell you give off God's grace but are also YOU, you have your own essence. To me that is kindness, bravery, intelligence, a great sense of humour, someone who thinks about deep questions, someone who makes the best of life, charisma, tenderness, and a heart which feels so much. Just like me, we have strong emotions and have to express them. But most of all you just have so so much LOVE. 

 

That is my favourite thing - LOVE. It's the most beautiful thing in the world. In John's Gospel he says 'God is love'.

 

'So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.' (John 4:16)

 

I know completely what you mean about the physical and mental thing, what is causing what. Of course you and me share that situation. I always ask myself is the Lyme causing my depression? It can cause a lot of stress and I worry about that. At the end of the day it is all illness, whether physical or mental. The brain is part of the body so really mental illness is a physical illness. In future they will talk about like that. As both IUN and fishinghat have very well expressed they both effect each other. 'So ,I'm ill, this will do. Reunite both in one' - THIS IS THE PERFECT WAY OF THINKING ABOUT IT. The brain is an organ, like the heart or the lungs. So like mental illness can cause the rest of body illness, your physical illness may effect your brain. It's all inter-connected. As always you put it really beautifully. 

 

Anyway, it's feels really nice for me let you know how special you are to me. It would stress me if I felt you didn't know! 

 

Like you said I plan to have a restful weekend and just chill. 

 

Can't wait to hear how your day went. And thank you so much for the candle!!

 

LOVE YOU TO THE MOON!!

[LDN]

Thanks man that means so much! I guess i have this guilt complex from being ill for so many years and I struggled so much with the thought of being a burden to my family. I know a lot people think like this when severely depressed, you read it in suicide notes. I don't feel a burden to my family anymore, I have overcome that which is good, but the underlying issue is still there. Like I always apologise to my therapist and psychiatrist. I think as I cut myself off so much from the world for so long, I still a bit overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers. I just sort of feel like why are they being so nice to me, and what do they get out of listening to be moaning away. I think when your cut off and just seeing the news, you sort have this picture of the world as a really horrible, sick place and then know I'm reaching out the day to day reality is completely different. I think because we have such a consumeristic culture, it feels like everything is just a transaction, so I'm still taken a back by kindness. My therapist and psychiatrist are so so nice, but then I always think are they just pretending because it's their job. I know in my heart their not, I've actually discussed it with my psychiatrist, but it's in the background. So I can't deny that I do feel a bit guilty writing on here and that maybe I'm talking advantage of others. This is what years and years of depression does, it just decimates your self worth. I hope that can sort of give you an insight into my mindset. My depression is sort of telling to not talk, so even writing this is an exposure really. It's fighting against my depression. I took me a whole year at the beginning to tell my parents about my severe depression, as I think I mentioned in my PM. I've been very affected by the stigma, but more than that it's just the way my depression manifests itself. It tells me to cut off, tells me everybody hates me, tells me I'm a burden. I've always been very insecure to put it mildly and so the depression has just gone to town on those thoughts. I guess that why when that doctor said that in a way I'm a failure triggered me, because I think of myself as a massive failure, and have done for years and years. Knowing that certain people push eugenics, it has sort makes you feel scared. If they had their way I would be killed out of 'compassion', so I question are they right? This is dark stuff. I just have this huge inferiority complex, particularly since I became physically disabled from the Lyme. It is getting better, but it doesn't just vanish. Have spent all my youth a physical very active person, always outside, trekking my dad, going on adventures every summer, the pain of being 26 and being only able to walk in short spurts before exhaustion is just so much. It was actually my love of nature that got me here, because I got the tick bite by rummaging through bushes in the countryside. I would come inside covered in scars from bramble and I loved it. As my arms were so covered in little scars I didn't see the bite. So then as I didn't know I got bitten, I developed chronic Lyme. If you get bitten, you have to treat it straight away with antibiotics then most people are fine, but if not them obviously you get a situation like mine.

 

So my legs is just the feeling of when you've spent the whole day trekking and your legs feel like their going to collapse. That sort of aching, tingling feeling when you just have to sit down. Maybe like what it feels like after a marathon. I feel like that pretty much all the time. When I walk up the stairs sometimes I need the rail otherwise I feel I will collapse it's just too much. A lot of the time I feel I'm about to collapse, my legs just can't hold me, but my mind just wills me on. It requires huge mental energy to just will myself not to fall. It relentless at times, but it is what it is. As I've mentioned the duloxetine makes my legs much worse. 

 

Anyway delighted you had a good day and managed to get some fresh air and see your friend. I really get the feeling your going in a positive direction. It seems step by step things are getting better and I couldn't be more happy. In terms of my day it was fine but obviously after a week of exposures I just feel so tired and then that makes me low because it reminds me of my present disabilities. Anyway I had a quiet day and plan to do the same tomorrow. I did go on a walk and did actually enjoy it, but it was my usual route which is obviously easier. 

 

Make no mistake I had incredible few weeks of exposures but I'm just taking it all in, as it's been pretty intense and came out of nowhere really. But I'm very happy with my progress and clearly things have hugely picked up. But I'm as wary of the depression, so when I feel it a little and I don't want it to shut me down from mentioning it. 

 

Again another long post from me. Thank you so much brother, I'm so happy to have with me on this journey. 

 

I really really hope tomorrow treats you well and these mornings are the next thing to pick up. Sending love down from london. 

 

Thanks again brother

 

God Bless

[gail]

My dear London,

Yes, we do mean so much for each other. I look forward to hearing from you every day. That's a lot to ask, let's say every two days. I feel much better after having ingested the fact that I am ill, and that will do!

Again real tired this morning! I managed to hand wash a few things. I love to hand wash!
And yesterday, forcing myself to go down the 62 steps and put my trash in the bin. Sat on a cement block, smoked a cigarette. Now, I was at the end of the driveway,I had to go back and climb those 62 steps. Stopped Midway, sat down, and back up to my apartment. That asked me a lot. And to say that two months back, I could do this in a jiffy. The illness is progressing.

Now, a siesta is much needed. I'll be back.

[invalidusername]

Woh - that is a lot of steps - twice what I have to climb to get to my third floor. If it helps, most people who first visit complain about the climb! So 62 steps is quite something, when the average flight of stairs is 12 - most stop at 12 as people don't like 13 as it is unlucky - true story!! Might be a British thing, but true!! But remember that this sort of fatigue can vary from day to day, and of course, is no respecter of age either! If circumstance permitted, LDN and I would come and carry you up and down the stairs!! Or, could take the trash out for you - that might be easier!!