17 replies to this topic

[Raven72]

Hello everyone....

 

Let me start by saying that I have a lot to get off my chest and in doing so let out some anger and frustrations. These include feelings towards myself and my ever supportive husband.  So, I am not out to paint him as the bad guy, because he only does and say the things he does because he loves me and wants to help me. That being said here we go.....

 

These past couple of weeks have been absolutely upside down for us.  For some reason I have become weak and allowed the Sinbalta to overtake my actions and mind.  I just haven't been in a good place for the past couple of weeks.  It seems that most of it has all come back. The snapping my husband's head off, snapping at the kids when I'm still mad at him and he's not around.

 

I know it's a long road and being on it for over a year means it could take up to a year for me to be completely over it.  My husband has researched it and I have read up on it so I know this.  But for some reason I am weak when it comes back and knocks on my mental door. I can't seem to not open the door, it always finds it way back in.

 

Something went wrong in my life several years ago and instead of dealing with it, I pushed deep within my soul and chose to start blaming other stuff/people for it. My husband and I got into an argument last night because I snapped at him when he called my name. Not because I was mad at him but because I fumbling with a plastic container and was frustrated because I couldn't get the top to snap on correctly. Really?!?!?! How stupid is that. He even tried to tell me how stupid it was and all it did was upset me more.  He went to the living room in order to give things time to calm down.  I went in there with no intention of starting over again but something he said hit me the wrong way and I snapped at him again. So, after more arguing I got up and went to the bedroom.

 

While in the bedroom and I cried and cried and cried.  Then I picked up my Bible and searched and searched for some guidance.  I was ultimately joined by my precious daughter asking could she join me.  I still continued to search and then she wanted to watch cartoons, so I turned them on and covered her up and went back in the living room.  Of course, I brought the Bible back in there with me.  My husband and I sat there not speaking except for to the children for some time. The he asked me was I finding the answers I needed in my Bible.  I asked him please not to judge me and he that he wasn't judging me.  Then he tried to explain his part of it and then I ended up getting upset again, thinking he was telling me that I should turn to the Bible and God for help, when that's not what he was doing.  He calmed me down and we talked about how he is worried that religion will be like everything else and he doesn't want it to be a crutch for me.  He wants it to be something I can turn to for guidance but to also look within myself to get this thing fixed.  He wants me to kick Sinbalta and it's withdrawal symptoms in the ass and show them they can't control me.  He said he knows this isn't the real me and he wants to real me back.  Because the real me was his best friend and he feels like he's lost her.

 

 

 

I feel so lost right now. The reason I choose Raven as my internet personality is because I feel like I relate to her right now. As a Teen Titan she fought a constant battle within herself.  She fought really had to control the demons inside of her because she born of evil and wanted to be good and fight evil. So, she struggled everyday and that is why I feel like I relate to her.

 

Thank you all for listening/reading.

 

<Raven>

 

<Raven>

 

 

[Carleeta]

Oh my dear Raven, how broken you feel inside. There is no easy answer except I listened to you.  I'm happy you were able to let these issues out.  It's difficult when someone doesn't understand what you are going through.  Because your husband loves you, he at the same time is trying to fix you. This of course is not what you need because he cannot fix this. Since he believes you are strong (which you are only not his way) he believes you can just stop Sinbalta and get on with your life.  You are strong and you are battling.  Sometimes us females are so emotional we tend to think our other half understands our emotions.  Males on the other hand want to fix our problem.  So that's all whats happening here.  You need to take care of you first or you won't be there to take care of the others.  It's a difficult road, I understand.  As far as the religion aspect, you keep doing what you have to do and please please watch the movie "War Room". keep watching it over and over or listening to it over and over.  Eventually you'll find how not to fix things but to just get healthy yourself.  

Eventually your husband will "get it".  My prayers and hugs to you...

[Raven72]

My dearest Carletta,

 

I was hoping that you would be the first to respond. Thank you for all your inspiration and kind words.  Yes, we as women handle things much different than males.  The thing is that yes, he is trying to help me but he doesn't want to fix me per say, he wants me to fix me if that makes sense.  Please don't misunderstand me in that he doesn't want me to go to church or read the bible.  He encourages it in fact, he just doesn't want me to turn into someone that turns every waking moment in church.  I don't want to turn into that person either but I do need a better spiritual relationship right now. I actually started a prayer journal last night  and wrote some verses in it. This morning I wrote my first prayer in it this morning.

[Carleeta]

Raven,

you are such a sweet and loving soul.  I actually worded something wrong here.  I did type how your husband was trying to fix you.  By no means did I mean to type this.  What I was trying to type was how men like to fix the problem and not totally understand what are needs may be.  Yes, your husband definitely loves you and just does not understand what you are going through.  If I'm understanding correctly, what he is saying about the religion is he doesn't want your life to be revolved around religion instead of just being there to help and guide you through the day.  Was this correct?

 

As it's been a difficult time for you since you quit cymbalta.  Yes, I do believe there is definitely something much greater than us (as I won't be specific on a certain religion) and yes it's definitely important in our daily lives.  Also you have thinking ahead of yourself here, with thinking you might turn into this person.  Don't be afraid of having a strong faith if you need this right now.  Your faith will guide you in the right direction.  This journal you are starting sounds excellent.  This is for you and you only.  

 

You keep writing your feeling and we are sure here to listen to them.  I for one am a listener to your venting......

 

Hugs, my dear Raven

[fishinghat]

I understand your feelings Raven and I do think your husband loves you very much. As a man we 'just want to fix things' but I don't think he can fix you. There is only a limited amount you can do to fix yourself. You have neuroreceptors going crazy in your body trying to figure out how you should feel. I remember that when I went through withdrawal the only things my wife could do for me to help was to be very quiet (verbally and with her chores) and hold my hand when it was real bad.  I ate well, exercised, took some supplements, did relaxation techniques, etc but when it comes right down to a full blown withdrawal that only helped 10 to 15%. Most of the rest was just trying to limit my stress and wait.

 

You will get better. Lean on the Lord and your husband. Remember they love you and draw strength from that.

[Raven72]

My Dearest Carleeta - Yes, you are correct.  He is not trying to steer me aware from religion, but only help me not dive full into it and use it like a crutch to fix things like I did with Sinbalta. I will continue to pray and write my feeling down. I continue to ask for strength to accept his love and draw from that.

 

My Dearest FH - You are truly an inspiration. Yes, I agree with you that I should draw from the love of my husband and our Lord.  As I stated above I continue to pray for strength, along with humility. Along, with the courage to accept this love and humility no matter how tough it may be.

 

I love you both. I love you all.

 

<Raven>

[Raven72]

Really tired today. Can't stop yawning.  Legs feeling really heavy. Drinking lots of water with ice which makes more water. Husband is sick and can't talk this week. Really cold today, had a sweater on since I got to work.

[fishinghat]

Uggh!! I would be glad to send you some of our heat. Currently 95 with a heat index of 103.

 

The sleepiness is a good sign that your body is beginning to relax. Go with the flow. If you can take a nap.

 

I hope your husband gets better soon. You and he have enough to deal with as it is.

[Raven72]

Thanks FH - We have very hot weather here as well, it's just my building is cold. Our heat index today is supposed to be about 105

 

I wish I could take a nap but I can because I'm at work - Keep on rollin' as they say

 

Me too, and yes, yes we do have a lot to deal with.

[Raven72]

*****UPDATE/CONFESSION*****

 

 

I hate mentioning stuff like any of what I've been through to anyone. You guys the handful of people that know about the intensity of the arguments between my husband and myself during my fight with depression and Sinbalta.  I am thankful that your responses to this have been more of a teaching nature, instead of a punishment must handed down type measure. Most people jump to judgemental he said/she said  type mentality.  We have both made mistakes, but don't want to see our family torn apart by it. 

 

As for looking deep within myself, I'm scared to go to far because I am scared of what I might find.  Because of the many anti-depressants I have been on and what the Sinbalta did to me, I have changed so much.  When I first met my husband in 2003 I was on Lexapro. Just shortly after I met him my prescription ran out and before I knew it, I had been without it for over a month and my life was 10 times the better for it.  I secretly called him my gift from God.  But my path down depression road began again in 2010 after I was pregnant with our second child, our daughter.  I was put on Lexapro due to it being the only one I was allowed to take while pregnant.  I was without it for short time after the pregnancy but for the most part have been on some form of anti - depressant leading up to my year or more battle with Sinbalta.  Which has always worried me due to my family's personal history of addiction to prescription medicine and alcohol.

 

So, being cold turkey from Sinbalta since April 1st 2016 is a big step for me.  I know it's not the step most of you would have suggested and some did advise against it but I felt it was what was best for me and my family.  The bad part is that it's harder than I ever thought it would be. I know I have to be strong and fight it and tell it that I control it and that it doesn't control me, but dammit (sorry) it's just really hard.  One of my husband's most famous sayings is "Anything worth doing is going to be the hardest thing to do."  He's right but I never knew how right he was.  I feel like I don't know what kind of person I'm going to be when I wake up in the mornings.  Who are the kids going to get up to? Who is the husband going to come home from work to? It's terrible, but you all know that because you are going through or have gone through it.

 

My heart is heavy and it hurts. My body and mind are weary and they both hurt. I know that I am the only one that can fix this, but it's just hard. I dream for the day when I don't have to depend on any type of depression or anxiety medication for any kind of help.  I know that everything happens for a reason but sometimes it's hard to see a reason behind why somebody has to go through this much hell.

 

Raven

[fishinghat]

Well Raven, the good news is that you are at about 4 months. There should be getting more breaks as time goes on. Slow at first but getting better.

[FiveNotions]

Raven, I know you may not / don't recognize this about yourself, but you are doing great ... you are a fighter, you have courage, you have faith, you have family, you have humor ... and you have us, here on the forum ... what you describe hits home, deeply, with me as I look back on where I was at about the same time in my process ... 

 

At this stage in your own process, don't worry about, or put your precious energy into, examining deeply into yourself .... self-examination requires being at a stable point, having a solid vantage point from which to reflect ... and your brain / body ... soul ... aren't ready for that yet ... let the deep things rest, remain as they are for the time-being ... give yourself permission to focus on the here and now ... give yourself permission to rest, heal, recover ...

 

Give yourself time ... it's clear from all of your wonderful posts / sharing that prayer is a key part of your life ... focus on that, and all else flows out from it ... Grace is like water ... it sinks deep into the soil of our being, and regenerates what is thirsty and broken ... all else follows from that ...

 

Tell your husband and children "I love you" and "thank you" as many times a day as you can ... and if words fail, even better, just hug them ... they know how much you want to get through this, they know that you are doing everything you can ...

 

Be at Peace ... rest assured, the "bad times" ... the "rough spells" ... they grow shorter, briefer, less intense ... and there will come a point where you realize that you are looking back at all this, standing at a stable vantage point ... and able to reflect on how far you've come  

[fishinghat]

Hey Raven, have you been doing any relaxation techniques? Have you ever been taught how to slow your heart rate or breathing rate?

 

They sure do help.

[Raven72]

You guys are the best. I know I am in a rough patch but I do know I have Family and you guys.

My husband has mentioned breathing techniques. I have been interested in meditation. Just not sure how to start.

[fishinghat]

I tell you what Raven, I had a great psychologist who taught me so many anxiety control techniques. She was a life saver. I still use them all the time. The trick is to find a good one.

[fishinghat]

You know Raven I just had a thought. If you are comfortable sending me a PM as to what area you live in I can ry to find a good one for you. Second coice is to call your local NAMI office. They are there to support people like us. They usually have ones they can recommend to use.

[emoothart]

You guys are the best. I know I am in a rough patch but I do know I have Family and you guys.

My husband has mentioned breathing techniques. I have been interested in meditation. Just not sure how to start.

Try going to a "restorative" yoga class (sometimes called "yin" yoga).  It is literally the only place that I can truly calm my body and mind entirely, and I've learned a lot from it.  You don't need to have any background in yoga in order to participate and benefit.  

[Raven72]

Try going to a "restorative" yoga class (sometimes called "yin" yoga).  It is literally the only place that I can truly calm my body and mind entirely, and I've learned a lot from it.  You don't need to have any background in yoga in order to participate and benefit.  

 

Thanks Emily, I will have to look into that.