10 replies to this topic

[Raven72]

Let start off by saying that my husband is the reason I am here so I am grateful for that.

 

That being said, I feel like I am finally as many times as I have said it in the past, broken. There I said it! I am literally broken down to the harshest core of my being.  I have been off this horrible, nasty, devil made drug for 85 days if my calculations are correct because I went completely off on April 1st. So, 85 days and I feel worse now than I did when I was on it and I can't snap myself out of it.

 

I have good days and bad days, but the bad over powers the good right now. Since April 1st I have changed doctors to someone that is willing to help me get off this crap.  He has put me on Buspar and Trintellix.  Up until the past couple of weeks they seemed to  helping a good bit.  My husband said that for about 1 month I was doing really great, then "Cymbalta Girl" came back. I always dreamed of being a superhero but this is surely not the title I was hoping for.

 

My husband is a 14 years cold turkey sober recovering alcoholic. So, I know that he is well aware of what it's like to quit something cold turkey. But I can't help but feel that he doesn't quit relate to the cold turkey recovery process of Cymbalta. He is the one who brought me here to this website for support. He is the one who finally got me to see that I needed to be off the sinful drug.  But I still feel like there is a part of it that he can't fully understand even though he went through the horror of quitting alcohol cold turkey.

 

Since quitting there has been more than one occasion where I wanted to turn a bottle of rum or whiskey upside down.  Still to this I keep a bottle of whiskey in the freezer in the kitchen so I can take shot when stress gets too bad.  I always thought that alcohol would end up being my vice instead of some stupid anti depression medicine.  But now I find myself wanting to drink more and more. I don't do it more than normal but I find myself wanting to more and more all the time.  My husband has told me that he will tell me if he ever thinks that it is becoming a problems.

 

My kids went Vacation Bible school a few weeks ago where the theme was "Submerged". I went to their little program and it was so refreshing to see them having so much fun. I used to have that much fun going to church but now I don't even go. But watching them I realized that I was "Submerged" but not by God and I think it's time that changed. So, I've been talking with my cousin about it because she is a member at that church.  My estranged mother is also a member there which will make it difficult if I decide to go back. But I have been talking to her about how lost I feel. I have made a decision to start listening to Christian music at work and in the car when I'm alone. I have heard so, so many songs that have just spoken to me it's unreal how music speaks to you. What is really unreal it how much God can speak to you through music. One of my most favorites is "God's Not Dead" by the Newsboys.  So, as I am talking to her about it I get closer and closer to wanting to go back to church. So, here is what she said to me yesterday:

 

"And honestly, when I look at you, I see a sad, unhappy person...you are not my Raven anymore, not sure who or what did it, probably a combination of things in your life and things that have happened, but God can definitely help you fix all of that and be happy again."

 

She's right I'm not the same person I used to be and I want to get back on the track to getting to be a better person again. So, I had decided that this Sunday I was going to take myself and the kids to church.  Well, this weekend is one weekend away from 4th of July weekend which is at our house this year.  My husband reminds me of this when he gets home from work. Later that evening I mention going to church on Sunday with the kids.  At first all he says is okay, then a little later he say he guesses he will be at the house doing all the cleaning and getting ready for it by himself.  I totally took that the wrong way. I took that as him telling me that he didn't want me to go, which he didn't want me to but not in general. He just felt it would be better if I waited until after the 4th of July to start going on a regular basis.  We ended up in a argument over it and the big D was mentioned at one point.  Not in as he wants one but as in certain things that cause it.  I told him that I would just wait until after the 4th to start going again.

 

But, the thing is that he is worried that I will turn into someone that will want to spend every waking moment at the church.  I have tried explaining to him that this won't happen. It's never been that way for me.  I almost fell into that trap once and I won't do it again. Please don't get me wrong, being really active in your church is not a bad thing, it's just not my thing.  I am someone who like to go to worship and feel God's power and get on with my day. I do firmly believe that you can worship God without even going to church but I also feel that going to worship services does help you.

 

So, here I am a broken women wanting to do something to fix my life but knowing where to start. Thank you all for listening/reading.

 

Blessed Be,

Raven

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[fishinghat]

I have been on this site several years now Raven and I have read so many posts like this that are around the 3 month point.  This part is the hardest point. Having said that yes things get better from here BUT......It may take 1 month or 4 more months to really feel significant improvement. The recovery part is the big variable. I know a lot of members who where at the same point as you are at now that came out well. Some recovered some but not enough to have a good quality of life and wound up on some lighter form of AD or similar med. The problem is that you don't know where you will end up til you get there. What meds do you have to lean on?

[Raven72]

Thanks FH - I just feel so alone right now.

[fishinghat]

You are never alone. We are always here for you. We have all been where you are at right now and now the suffering and pain that you are going through. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

God Bless

[Raven72]

Thanks, that's good to know and I hope so too. After work today I will not be back on here until Monday. So, we will see then.

[Carleeta]

Raven, Even though you know eventually things will turn around for you and you will see improvement, I truly understand your frustration.  You stated your husband is a recovering alcoholic.  It appears he truly doesn't understand your withdrawal/symptoms and possibly relates his recovery to yours.  You are absolutely correct he does not understand.  He has rid the alcohol from is body and you have rid the cymbalta from yours.  Although, you have a much longer healing period ahead.  It's perfectly "ok" to have the feelings you have and they belong to you and only you.  It appears your husband does not attend AA and I state this because in AA they are reaching to "God" (what ever your religion may be) and listen to his guidance daily.  My niece starting drinking at 16 years old, she just went through detox in January at the age of 46 and her whole life is not geared around her daily meetings, step program, and God.  I do not push religion on anyone (and I'm very Roman Catholic) although I do believe everyone, everywhere, needs something to believe in.  As for, my dear Raven, I do wish for you to feel the presence of

God in away way you feel comfortable.  Infact, in the AA meetings they do teach you to put yourself first (so you can heal) so you can eventually be there for others.  I don't want to steer you in a bad direction, so what I will do is tell you to please watch the movie "War Room" (if you haven't seen it already).   It's such a powerful movie.  

 

We are here for you dear Raven. You are not alone.  You'll never be alone. The wonderful members here, including myself, will be patiently waiting to hear from you soon.  

[Carleeta]

Raven, Even though you know eventually things will turn around for you and you will see improvement, I truly understand your frustration.  You stated your husband is a recovering alcoholic.  It appears he truly doesn't understand your withdrawal/symptoms and possibly relates his recovery to yours.  You are absolutely correct he does not understand.  He has rid the alcohol from is body and you have rid the cymbalta from yours.  Although, you have a much longer healing period ahead.  It's perfectly "ok" to have the feelings you have and they belong to you and only you.  It appears your husband does not attend AA and I state this because in AA they are reaching to "God" (what ever your religion may be) and listen to his guidance daily.  My niece starting drinking at 16 years old, she just went through detox in January at the age of 46 and her whole life is not geared around her daily meetings, step program, and God.  I do not push religion on anyone (and I'm very Roman Catholic) although I do believe everyone, everywhere, needs something to believe in.  As for, my dear Raven, I do wish for you to feel the presence of

God in away way you feel comfortable.  Infact, in the AA meetings they do teach you to put yourself first (so you can heal) so you can eventually be there for others.  I don't want to steer you in a bad direction, so what I will do is tell you to please watch the movie "War Room" (if you haven't seen it already).   It's such a powerful movie.  

 

We are here for you dear Raven. You are not alone.  You'll never be alone. The wonderful members here, including myself, will be patiently waiting to hear from you soon.

 

My niece's life is geared around her daily meetings, step program, and God.  It was a typo error...

[Raven72]

Carleeta,

 

Thanks so much for your inspiring words. I have gotten to where I don't relate what I'm going through to his alcohol recovery anymore because it's makes our arguments worse.  I am at a point now where when it starts and I am made aware of it I just do my best to temper down and shy away and let myself calm down.  I have recently began to try to reconnect with God in my own way. I listen to christian music at work. I really want to see the God's Not Dead movies. Thins are slowly getting better. Thank you all for your support.

[Carleeta]

Raven, my dear Raven, you are such an inspiration.  You're witty, your charming, and most of all you are taking control of you.  I'm very impressed....

[Raven72]

My dearest Carleeta, thank you so much. My husband doesn't always agree but things are getting better each day.

[gail]

Let start off by saying that my husband is the reason I am here so I am grateful for that.
 
That being said, I feel like I am finally as many times as I have said it in the past, broken. There I said it! I am literally broken down to the harshest core of my being.  I have been off this horrible, nasty, devil made drug for 85 days if my calculations are correct because I went completely off on April 1st. So, 85 days and I feel worse now than I did when I was on it and I can't snap myself out of it.
 
I have good days and bad days, but the bad over powers the good right now. Since April 1st I have changed doctors to someone that is willing to help me get off this crap.  He has put me on Buspar and Trintellix.  Up until the past couple of weeks they seemed to  helping a good bit.  My husband said that for about 1 month I was doing really great, then "Cymbalta Girl" came back. I always dreamed of being a superhero but this is surely not the title I was hoping for.
 
My husband is a 14 years cold turkey sober recovering alcoholic. So, I know that he is well aware of what it's like to quit something cold turkey. But I can't help but feel that he doesn't quit relate to the cold turkey recovery process of Cymbalta. He is the one who brought me here to this website for support. He is the one who finally got me to see that I needed to be off the sinful drug.  But I still feel like there is a part of it that he can't fully understand even though he went through the horror of quitting alcohol cold turkey.
 
Since quitting there has been more than one occasion where I wanted to turn a bottle of rum or whiskey upside down.  Still to this I keep a bottle of whiskey in the freezer in the kitchen so I can take shot when stress gets too bad.  I always thought that alcohol would end up being my vice instead of some stupid anti depression medicine.  But now I find myself wanting to drink more and more. I don't do it more than normal but I find myself wanting to more and more all the time.  My husband has told me that he will tell me if he ever thinks that it is becoming a problems.
 
My kids went Vacation Bible school a few weeks ago where the theme was "Submerged". I went to their little program and it was so refreshing to see them having so much fun. I used to have that much fun going to church but now I don't even go. But watching them I realized that I was "Submerged" but not by God and I think it's time that changed. So, I've been talking with my cousin about it because she is a member at that church.  My estranged mother is also a member there which will make it difficult if I decide to go back. But I have been talking to her about how lost I feel. I have made a decision to start listening to Christian music at work and in the car when I'm alone. I have heard so, so many songs that have just spoken to me it's unreal how music speaks to you. What is really unreal it how much God can speak to you through music. One of my most favorites is "God's Not Dead" by the Newsboys.  So, as I am talking to her about it I get closer and closer to wanting to go back to church. So, here is what she said to me yesterday:
 
"And honestly, when I look at you, I see a sad, unhappy person...you are not my Raven anymore, not sure who or what did it, probably a combination of things in your life and things that have happened, but God can definitely help you fix all of that and be happy again."
 
She's right I'm not the same person I used to be and I want to get back on the track to getting to be a better person again. So, I had decided that this Sunday I was going to take myself and the kids to church.  Well, this weekend is one weekend away from 4th of July weekend which is at our house this year.  My husband reminds me of this when he gets home from work. Later that evening I mention going to church on Sunday with the kids.  At first all he says is okay, then a little later he say he guesses he will be at the house doing all the cleaning and getting ready for it by himself.  I totally took that the wrong way. I took that as him telling me that he didn't want me to go, which he didn't want me to but not in general. He just felt it would be better if I waited until after the 4th of July to start going on a regular basis.  We ended up in a argument over it and the big D was mentioned at one point.  Not in as he wants one but as in certain things that cause it.  I told him that I would just wait until after the 4th to start going again.
 
But, the thing is that he is worried that I will turn into someone that will want to spend every waking moment at the church.  I have tried explaining to him that this won't happen. It's never been that way for me.  I almost fell into that trap once and I won't do it again. Please don't get me wrong, being really active in your church is not a bad thing, it's just not my thing.  I am someone who like to go to worship and feel God's power and get on with my day. I do firmly believe that you can worship God without even going to church but I also feel that going to worship services does help you.
 
So, here I am a broken women wanting to do something to fix my life but knowing where to start. Thank you all for listening/reading.
 
Blessed Be,
Raven

Interesting post from our sweet Raven!