1908 replies to this topic

[Carleeta]

6:51pm....New mattress delivered today, seems like the mattress will be positively softer than the one I had...yipeeeeee

I positively received my chair (been waiting 5 months for this..lol lol) arrived today also..yipeeeeee Now my den area is complete. ..it was planned to have both items delivered today. Although, both places were giving me the same time frame, between two and five pm...lol lol....Had to make sure they gave me a 30 minute 'ahead' call..lol lol..Was just making sure my kitty didn't try and get out while delivery men were coming and going...lol lol....It positively went well....yipeeeeeeer

[FiveNotions]

Been a while since I last posted a positive ... because I've been so busy with the positives!

 

As you know, I started a little part-time gig several weeks ago. The first two weeks it was just one day, a Friday. And that one day left me so exhausted that I spent most of the weekend, except for dragging my sad ass to church, in bed and on the sofa.

 

This past week I worked for two days, Wed. and Friday, plus a couple of hours of "telecommute" from home. And, I managed to make it through without collapsing during the week, having some sort of massive brain fart, or an anxiety attack!

 

That said, today ... and likely tomorrow ... are total "relapse" days ... I'm stiff as a board/sore muscles (taking Aleve), and got hit in the wee hours of the night/morning with a wave of anxiety sufficient to make up for the relatively anxiety-free days this week. (Thank goodness for the clonidine and diazepam.)

 

But, I'm slowly, ever so slowly, re-learning how to be out in the world ... both work-wise and general "getting around-wise" ... I have to keep double, triple-checking my work, making sure I write down the instructions I'm given, etc.... because the cognitive "stuff" still lingers, especially when I'm tired. I'm a hoot with bus schedules... simply cannot, even with the damn thing in my hand, get the right stop and the right time at the same time ... so, I have to allow myself a lot of extra "wiggle room" for getting to/from the job.

 

Also lingering, along with the cognitive stuff, is tinnitus ... I think that's going to be my permanent "artifact" from crapalta ... today the volume is two levels ... a high pitched screech, and a sort of low "hum" ... usually I'm able to ignore it, but when I'm really tired, it's more than I can block out ... but if that's the worst I'm stuck with, I'll be eternally grateful.

 

I'm finishing out my 10th month of the poison. I look back on my life last year before I quit cold turkey in December ....who I was (or, thought I was), the job I had and the work I was able to do, my "socio-economic level," the people I knew and spent time with, what I was interested in, what I did for fun .... I don't know that person anymore ... she seems very very foreign, distant, like someone I used to know but who has faded out of my life ... I definitely have my life back now, it's just not the life I had before Cymbalta .... and you know, I like this life a whole lot more, I like this "me" a whole lot more ... 

[Carleeta]

FiveNotions, what a beautiful positive. I smiled, and had tears at the same time. I'm so extremely proud of you; what you've gone through, to what you now have become. It's wonderful to see how you have come through this mess with cymbalta and rise above with a new job and getting back into the swing of things. Great post... positively positive! Yipeeeeee my dear friend.

[FiveNotions]

Well, Carleeta, I never, ever thought I'd be "starting from scratch" again at age 61 ... I started from scratch as a dirt-poor kid who got into/through college and law school...made a life for myself... then, started from scratch again after my divorce ... made another life for myself ... started from scratch a 3rd time after my hospitalizations from the run-ins with generic Wellbutrin ... made yet one more life for myself ...

 

So, I figured 3 times "from scratch" would be "the charm," and settled in to "coast" the rest of the way....

heheeh ... the joke's on me ... this is #4 "new life" ... I'm the "resurrection queen" ...

 

nice thing is, each new life has been better, more wonderful ... and much more deeply appreciated by me... than the last ...

But Good God, Lord a' Mighty ... I do not want to go for a #5 ... at least, not in "this incarnation"
 

[Carleeta]

Well, Carleeta, I never, ever thought I'd be "starting from scratch" again at age 61 ... I started from scratch as a dirt-poor kid who got into/through college and law school...made a life for myself... then, started from scratch again after my divorce ... made another life for myself ... started from scratch a 3rd time after my hospitalizations from the run-ins with generic Wellbutrin ... made yet one more life for myself ...
 
So, I figured 3 times "from scratch" would be "the charm," and settled in to "coast" the rest of the way....
heheeh ... the joke's on me ... this is #4 "new life" ... I'm the "resurrection queen" ...
 
nice thing is, each new life has been better, more wonderful ... and much more deeply appreciated by me... than the last ...
But Good God, Lord a' Mighty ... I do not want to go for a #5 ... at least, not in "this incarnation" FiveNotions. ..you have been full of positives your whole life...yipeeeee

[FiveNotions]

Carleeta, I have always been told that I'm "full of it" ... but I don't think they were/are referring to "positives."

 

And now, I am positively signing off to take a nap.

[ShadyLady]

TFL, I'm green with envy of you losing half the weight gained while on the crack!! Hooray, that's a huge positive...if, no when, I lose the weight I gained the first 2 months OFF this shit, yeah, go figure:/ I am gonna post it under a topic 'Fat Ass Falls Off After Cymbalta!' You go, girl<3

FN, loved both your 'positives!' Helps me not sink in the pit of how pathetic I am @ 15 weeks...still walking into walls, crying, thinking my life is over, feeling suicidal & homicidal then laughing hysterically, you remember those days! Your progress in encouraging and so pure with honesty! Thanks you for sharing

Carleeta, you are just in a league of your own!! You fight life's ups and downs with such a positive force and encourgare me to watch my negative thoughts, i.e. we become what we think:). Happy you got a new mattress, my Tempurpedic has been a blessing that relieves my pressure points pain associated with fibro and the old lady back pain;). Double bonus day for you...You got your new mattress and your chair! You simply inspire with your carpe diem attitude;)

[TryinginFL]

Thanks, Cym...

 

Please realize how long I have been off the crap, though - 8 months and 3 weeks!  I have not been very hungry the past few weeks, so figure my body was living off its own fat!    I hope the rest comes off more quickly - 15 lbs. to go!  Baggy clothes are not so attractive, but they make me feel good - easier to have taken in than to make bigger!

 

How are you feeling these days?  Are you able to sleep better?

 

You should be seeing some good days now with the length of time you have been off this crap - unfortunately, there will still be bad days, but they should be coming less often now.  Do you find that you have a day or two in a row where you feel almost "good"?

 

Just an FYI -- woke up about 430am in a panic!  Terrible dream having to do with ex-husband and wife (see?  that trip was really a killer for me!)  I had to take an Alprazolam and have now taken the whole 2 mg today and finally calmed down.  This wasn't a good day - I fear that things will be this way for a long time to come. Thank God for the benzo!  I usually go to church on Sat, since I am not a morning person, but was in such a state that I just couldn't today.  I hate that!!  When these attacks keep me from doing something, I really get into a snit - just makes the anxiety worse, I know!    

 

Take good care of yourself - the good days are coming!

 

Love, hugs and prayers,

Liz

[ShadyLady]

TFL, baggy looks better than seams bulging and fat folds!! Even though I felt nauseous the first couple months, I craved carbs...bagels, pasta, breads etc. uncontrollably! The rapid serotonin depletion fueled the cravings, but has finally leveled out and am really trying to eat healthy for obvious reasons;) i stopped the Wellbutrin, day 4 without any side effects, as I believe it was making me even worse in the mental health department of discontinuation! I just want so bad for the days, even hours,to have some sort of consistency with my moods...it is just hard to believe that @ 15 weeks out i still feel so little control over my emotions and just incapable of accomplishing much of anything. Yes, sometimes 'a day or two where I "almost" feel good!' Haven't experienced " a good day" yet, truthfully...but I believe my depression is more situational than anything else. When your life is in the toilet while on the drug, stopping it only makes the reality that much more painful. Just don't have enough sense of confidence yet to make any major decisions yet. I must find a good therapist as I cannot plan a better life without learning some better coping skills than I have now...i'm such a chicken shit and dreading the changes that I must make if I am going to have any quality of life. I am fully aware now, after a few months of post Cym mental clarity, that I cannot live this way!

Waking up at 4am in a panic from a dream about the ex and his wife?! Awful, that tells me how much that trip took out of you emotionally & physically, particularly your first couple weeks back home! So glad the Xanax help when you get struck with that awful anxiety!

Better days ahead and small progress with each passing one...((( ))) Rest and watch your Cubbies, ouch-the Dodgers kicked their arses, no?!

[FiveNotions]

Cym, from the tone of your posts it positively sounds like you're feeling quite a bit better ... yes? Have you stabilized on the Wellbutrin XL 300?

 

If so, maybe when you have a moment and feel good enuf to do so, would you post your generic experiences ("adventures") over in the "what are you feeling" forum or maybe "Cymbalta in the news"? We need to start a thread on "Generics, Cymbalta and Wellbutrin" or some such ... cuz now we've got quite a bit of personal experience (unfortunately) with some of us (me included) who've not had good experiences with them.

 

TFL, bummer about the anxiety today ... waking up from a bad dream with "it" (the anxiety) happening is one of my very least favorite sensations. Has the alprazolam kept you settled for the rest of the day? Yet, to balance out the bad day anxiety-wise, your clothes are now baggy ! Yay ... crapalta weight is finally giving up and leaving you ... I think a major shopping trip will positively soon be in order !

 

I positively took a 3 hour nap ... got up, felt good enuf to sweep the apartment floor (all wood), to prep it for mopping with murphy's oil soap tomorrow or Monday ... and, I cleaned 1 of the litter boxes, changed a lightbulb and .... got unsteady on my feet so have retreated to the sofa with a cup of herb tea ... about to take another dose of Aleve ... I'm at the point now where I have just enuf energy/stamina to either work a couple days a week (barely), or keep my apartment clean. My goal for this "new life" of mine is to get to where I can do both without relapsing for several days

[ShadyLady]

PS...To give you an idea of broken brain syndrome post Cymshit...it took me 50 minutes to sputter that reply out:0 Good grief!

[FiveNotions]

Wow, Cym ... you just posted ... you're off the Wellbutrin!! And no side effects to speak of? Triple wow!!! That's a huge positive !!!

 

Is that why your posts sound like they're coming from a much better-feeling Cym?

[ShadyLady]

Uummm, FN, not sure what I would post as I am not taking it now:(. 4 days off and I do believe I am better without it, for now at least;)

[ShadyLady]

Must be, Sista;) and no side effects:D Woohoo... maybe no a-d's is the best for me, right now anyway;) Just puttin' in the TIME for now!!

[FiveNotions]

Cym, that is really wonderful ... and quite astounding ... crapalta withdrawal almost destroys you ... but you just "waltz away" from Wellbutrin ... goes to show how different serotonin and dopamine are in how they affect our brain ... and, thank goodness, you really weren't on the W for very long at all ... you certainly deserve a "get out of jail free card" in this game

 

How 'bout the Adderall? No go on that, too?

 

Has your pooch calmed down now that you're on the mend again?

[Carleeta]

Thanks, Cym...
 
Please realize how long I have been off the crap, though - 8 months and 3 weeks!  I have not been very hungry the past few weeks, so figure my body was living off its own fat!    I hope the rest comes off more quickly - 15 lbs. to go!  Baggy clothes are not so attractive, but they make me feel good - easier to have taken in than to make bigger!
 
How are you feeling these days?  Are you able to sleep better?
 
You should be seeing some good days now with the length of time you have been off this crap - unfortunately, there will still be bad days, but they should be coming less often now.  Do you find that you have a day or two in a row where you feel almost "good"?
 
Just an FYI -- woke up about 430am in a panic!  Terrible dream having to do with ex-husband and wife (see?  that trip was really a killer for me!)  I had to take an Alprazolam and have now taken the whole 2 mg today and finally calmed down.  This wasn't a good day - I fear that things will be this way for a long time to come. Thank God for the benzo!  I usually go to church on Sat, since I am not a morning person, but was in such a state that I just couldn't today.  I hate that!!  When these attacks keep me from doing something, I really get into a snit - just makes the anxiety worse, I know!    
 
Take good care of yourself - the good days are coming!
 
Love, hugs and prayers,
Liz

TryningFl! I'm hoping you have a better day tomorrow. Please try and not worry about tomorrow. So sorry to hear you are still having flashbacks of your strenuous trip; causing you nightmares. It's been a challenging time for you from the time you knew you were going to make this trip until now. I'll say a prayer you soon feel much much better.

[brzghoff]

TFL:

 

sorry to hear about the bad dream and resulting anxiety - understandable, but it still stinks! however, it soun dslike overall you are improving. i recentl read how you came off cold turkey, unbelievable! i don't know how you've done it - honestly. you inspire me.

 

FN and Cym,

 

way to go both of you! sometimes i think looking back and reading the history of our posts on here gives the proper persepctive we need to understand just how far we all have come!  

[Carleeta]

2:12...it's positively been been another absolutely high anxiety day. My levels have been extremely high lately do to the severity of my pain. Dr suggested I get another shot in my spine area which resulted in an epidural. I positively went for this shot today. I was petrified...lol lol...In spite of this fear I positively had it done. Lol lol. Here I'm lying on my stomah, thinking the worse, and telling myself it was only going to hurt for a second......trying to calm myself at the same as my negative thinking. ..lol lol lol...During this short procedure (which seemed like forever...) the nurse, X ray tech, and physician, they were asking me questions like if I was married, if I had plans tonight, if I had plans on renting a special movie, and etc..lol lol...During this question and answer session my negative thinking kicked in and I kept thinking; OMG this is going to hurt and they are trying to keep me from feeling
it...lol lol lol..All I kept asking is 'are you done?'..lol lol lol...I asked three times until they finally said 'yes' lol lol lol.....All I remember feeling was my ears plugging all of a sudden....They never heard of that before...lol lol lol..soon my ears opened....have to admit the shot a few weeks ago was more of a jolt than this one...lol lol..I positively had this procedure done and glad it'it's over....I'm positively the first to admit my negative thinking was definitely with me today.

I'm currently up in the mountains with a gorgeous fire burning for the 24 hours. I'm blessed to have a wonderful niece who is watching over me today and tomorrow. I'm totally blessed..Oh and yes my son was present for prior to the epidural and after I came out of the area. His office was just down the hall. I am blessed with a loving and UNDERSTANDING family....it's definitely been a positive day....

[TryinginFL]

Carleeta,

 

Yes, you are blessed to have such a wonderful, loving family! 

 

I'm happy to hear that the procedure is over, you're in the mountains (which is my favorite place!)  and with a fire!  How lucky can you be??

 

I hope your pain has lessened.

 

Hugs,

Liz 

[Carleeta]

Tryinginfl. ..Thank you. You too are blessed with a wonderful family. I'm hoping this shot works also, at least in the lower right back and hip area. ...the upper neck, back and shoulders are another story and I'll see him next Tuesday for a visit and we will talk about trigger injections there...Once again, thank you.

I'm hoping you are feeling better today tryinginfl. ....

[fishinghat]

Well, this is sort of positive. I met my new psychiatrist today. I filled him in on my recent past to which he made notes butno comments. I told him that my next script for lorazepam could be dropped from 6 mg/day to 4 mg.day. He said 'No, No, NO" this way you will plenty of medicine. He then asked if I need to increase any of my other meds.  Oh, well a typical psychiatrist. I think he will work with me though in the long rum. He loves those meds.

[TryinginFL]

FH...

 

Just another one to train, right?  Happy to hear that you think it might work out - All the best to you!

[Carleeta]

Well, this is sort of positive. I met my new psychiatrist today. I filled him in on my recent past to which he made notes butno comments. I told him that my next script for lorazepam could be dropped from 6 mg/day to 4 mg.day. He said 'No, No, NO" this way you will plenty of medicine. He then asked if I need to increase any of my other meds.  Oh, well a typical psychiatrist. I think he will work with me though in the long rum. He loves those meds.

yipeeeeee. ..this is definitely a positive. ..Any doctor that will work with their patient is without a doubt a positive. ..Thank you for keeping us informed. ....

[Carleeta]

Not sure if this is a positive or a negitive....Just sitting on the couch up here in the mountains and looking out the sliding doors to the porch.....um mm I asked my niece why her dog was not in the gated area and on the porch walking around...she stated her pup was in the gated area....ummmmmm...I stated no he wasn't and just walked by.... Oh she stated it's just the red fox....OK that's it...lol lol lol...I am now having a glass of brandy to settle me down...lol lol ..it's sort of funny and it's sort of not.....lol lol lol....it's positively OK though....

[FiveNotions]

Oh Carleeta, you're in my beloved mountains....and you see a red fox on the porch.... A very special treat and a wonderful message for you! Google red fox meaning or symbolism.....

[Carleeta]

Oh FiveNotions. ...my niece and I were looking up about the red fox....all we found was it represents trickery, slyness, and you can be decieved....lol lol...maybe you could send us the site you had seen which is a bit more pleasant than the ones we found....lol lol

[FiveNotions]

Fox spirit animals and responsiveness
http://www.spiritani...-spirit-animal/

I've seen a red fox only a few times in my life ... they delight me, because they are quick, and cagey, and able to find their way out of "traps" ... the first time I saw one was when I was "trapped" in a very bad marriage ... saw it while living in West Virginia, and struggling to figure my way out of my own personal "trap" ... which I did, shortly after that ... the "trap" can be mental, physical, spiritual ... the fox comes to remind us that we, too, can find our way out of our traps ... move quickly, be agile, "shape shift" if necessary ...

Excerpts: When the fox appears in you life as spirit animal, it encourages action and quick, swift moves. You may be called to take action in a way that shows your adaptability and ability to move quickly through obstacles and resistance.

Being inspired by a fox totem, you can work at developing the sharpness of your mental skills: Analytical intelligence, power of deduction, observation can come into play more powerfully in how you deal with daily matters or bigger projects.

The spirit of the fox may also imply that you are sharpening your physical alertness and responsiveness.
. . .
The fox as a spirit guide offers good teachings about getting around obstacles instead of confronting them head to head. You might find that you could renew or be smarter about how you deal with areas of resistance in your life or projects

[Carleeta]

Oh wow....FiveNotions, thank you. I'm inspired by what you have sent.. I'm going outside to tell my niece what you just sent. Once again you've lifted my shirts with your kind and generous heart...

[Amysgarden]

Raining at the moment, and it's actually kind of a nice break. Normally by this time I'd be up to my eyeballs in weeds and pruning and work in general. I love my job. I actually just posted a link in another thread about the effects of soil microbes on the body and depression....I'll include it here too. But sometimes it's nice to be able to rest a little. The physical effects of withdrawal are tiring, and I feel like I've aged a few years in the past many weeks of withdrawal. So this morning I'm poking around online, watching Law and Order SVU, drinking coffee, resting. Just resting. And feeling so grateful for everyone I've met here and all the support during this process of healing.

http://www.decodedsc...al-health/48559

[FiveNotions]

Hi AmysG! You deserve a day off!

Loved your "soil serotonin" post ... I added a couple of articles that talk about it ... totally explains why my mother, like you, just loved gardening ... "playing in the dirt" as she called it ... she ran her own business, a little "beauty shop" as they were called back in the day ... she'd put in 10 hours in there working, standing on her feet, hands in all the chemicals ... come out exhausted (it was located in part of our house)... and she'd head straight outside to work in the garden ... as many months of the year as she could ... she'd come back inside totally relaxed and rested ... I never "got" the gardening thing ... wish I did / could ... but the walks outside, in nature, do it for me ...

We've got a rainy/cold day here in DC as well ... I'm doing what you're doing ... enjoying the excuse to hang out inside in my jammies, drinking tea, surfing the 'net and not even trying to "be productive" ... my three cats are curled up asleep around me on the sofa ... ah, positively a positive day