1908 replies to this topic

[gail]

First morning on clonidine, kept the anxiety down. Glad for that.

 

To be continued...

 

Liz, I hope you can find a way, while away, to keep contact with us.

 

Carleeta, I wonder in amazement how you can function so well and keep smiling through out this anxiety.

[TryinginFL]

Gail - happy to hear the Clonidine is helping....I need to ask the new Dr .about this when I see her!

 

I am hoping to take my laptop with me on this world tour...

 

Regarding the wedding, etc...guess I can't expect anyone to know if I don't tell, but my kids' dad was not my last marriage!  He was the first and we get along well now, but he will have his wife w/him - she is the one he left me for and is not my favorite person  .   I am fortunate (NOT) to get to ride to the resort in the car w/them (an hour ride) - I have been w/them before, but there have always been other people around.  oh, Yikes!!  And my other son is not even coming to the resort for the 1st nite as he has a much younger girlfriend and is staying on Waikiki that nite.  OMG - give me strength to get through this
 

I am the only one in the family on their own and yes, this adds tremendously to my anxiety  - will probably be taking double my RX! 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this anxiety-ridden rant!!!   

[Carleeta]

Gail...it's so a part of my nature to be 'happy go lucky' it's also a survival technique...lol lol...I've been through much therapy and still go...My therapy is through a psychologist which does not provide medication...It's all about finding t b e positive through something negative..It's keeping busy with anything which causes a positive affect on me later in the day... I need to be productive which leaves me with a sense of gratification. ..I push myself most days and it is difficult..but leaves me rewarding...I plan my week with many things to do which have a benefit..Always preparing food, getting into crafts for events...decorate often with little things here and there for a change of scenery...even if I buy something from the dollar storr...lol lol...Relax myself with warm baths and called lit (flame less of course, I have a xat...lol lol...Once five pm comes mt flam less candles light up along with mercury bulbs lit up like stars...I create my relaxing environment for the end do the day when I feel most at peace.... many techniques are right in my mind and I just suffer a bit creating them, but it's all worth it at night....I do force myself. ..when days are really bad, I don't do a thing..but that is only 2 days in a row. ..I let myself get 'down' enough to where I can't stand it and I jumped on the hoarse again and get myself moving in spite of.....doing things for others puts love and motivation in my heart, although I put myself first...Then I'm able to help others...I started this thread to jot down the many positives I do accomplish daily..I see how just washing my face and brushing my teeth are just as great of a positive as helping another out...it's all in the mind of what we choose to do for ourselves or give in to waiting for something good to happen...it's just create positive things as I am in impatient person...lol lol lol...

[gail]

It's always a pleasure to read you Liz, the good and the less good.

 

Bring your laptop, you may be the only one on your own, but you will be the only one to have so much company, all of us!

 

We all love you so much!

[TryinginFL]

Gail,

 

Thank you so much - I have tears again...

[gail]

Gail...it's so a part of my nature to be 'happy go lucky' it's also a survival technique...lol lol...I've been through much therapy and still go...My therapy is through a psychologist which does not provide medication...It's all about finding t b e positive through something negative..It's keeping busy with anything which causes a positive affect on me later in the day... I need to be productive which leaves me with a sense of gratification. ..I push myself most days and it is difficult..but leaves me rewarding...I plan my week with many things to do which have a benefit..Always preparing food, getting into crafts for events...decorate often with little things here and there for a change of scenery...even if I buy something from the dollar storr...lol lol...Relax myself with warm baths and called lit (flame less of course, I have a xat...lol lol...Once five pm comes mt flam less candles light up along with mercury bulbs lit up like stars...I create my relaxing environment for the end do the day when I feel most at peace.... many techniques are right in my mind and I just suffer a bit creating them, but it's all worth it at night....I do force myself. ..when days are really bad, I don't do a thing..but that is only 2 days in a row. ..I let myself get 'down' enough to where I can't stand it and I jumped on the hoarse again and get myself moving in spite of.....doing things for others puts love and motivation in my heart, although I put myself first...Then I'm able to help others...I started this thread to jot down the many positives I do accomplish daily..I see how just washing my face and brushing my teeth are just as great of a positive as helping another out...it's all in the mind of what we choose to do for ourselves or give in to waiting for something good to happen...it's just create positive things as I am in impatient person...lol lol lol...

 

Out of likes here Carleeta, loved your post. Can relate to what you are saying. Of course having a happy go lucky nature is of great help. Which is not my case.

 

Got to work on findind the positive in the negative. I am happy with some changes I brought in my life in the last few months, in fact, happy for many things. Grateful would be a better word perhaps.

 

The state of mind of the last 2 weeks, minus 2 days, has made it difficult to focus on these.

 

But a few hours here and there bring them back, and I smile, my soul smile.

 

And when my soul smiles, I light up.

 

It is not that do not accomplish things, I do. All is in order in the house, I work part time, but what I miss the most, is doing it with a smile!

 

As my doc said yesterday, walking with a bear along your side is not easy. Waiting for the good days, at least, I have a few hours here and there. For the time being. Thanks Carleeta.

[Carleeta]

tryinginFl.. Yes, please bring your laptop with you. This way you can just get on line and vent your feelings out as you make this trip. I truly understand how difficult this is going to be for you. Its certainly uncomfortable feeling towards your ex's wife and you being among one who will be attending this lovely affair alone. That in itself would have you anxious and in anticipation. For goodness sakes, you have every right to be felling this way. Like Gail has pointed out; bring the laptop. I for one will be here to help you walk through this whole event with a different perspective of yourself, and have the most wonderful time of your life (with the exception of exhaustion..lol lol. that comes from such a big, whole day event).

I had a similar experience the day of my son's wedding. I did invite my ex husband and his wife to the wedding and I attended the wedding unescorted (my choice as I felt I was the grooms mother and any escort I would have taken had nothing to do with my son's life or his upbringing). Anyway the day of the wedding or any other event I invited him to, a strange reaction comes over me. It's like he isn't even there. I look right over him and completely see nothing standing there. It's sort of funny as my friends and family put it, as they don't know why I do this. I don't say hello, I don't smile, I don't acknowledge him at all...lol lol lol. In my case, his wife had nothing to do with our breakup. Either way, I don't acknowledge she is there either...lol lol. It's like they are both non existent.. We could be taking pictures, standing next to each other, or even talking to my son at the same time and I don't see him there..lol lol. My father, God Bless his soul, would tell me to at least go up and talk to him to be poliete.. I on the other hand would tell my father, "Dad, he's lucky he was invited and it's his place to come up to me.".. lol lol lol.. This is truly how I feel. Then to make things even more complicated and more stressful, lol lol..my daughter in laws parents are both divorced and remarried and both sides of their families do not really talk to each other, although they are cordial to each other. So here I am having to socialize with both of their sides and extending my love equally and making sure all were accommodated, and trying not to spend more time with one side than the other...lol lol. This just happened at the baby shower also..lol lol (this baby shower was like a jack and jill, where males were invited.) And let me add that there sides are quite large....lol lol lol. To top it off I also needed to make sure all my side was having a good time and well accommodated...lol lol. My ex husband and his wife sat there and didn't even try to go over and interact with my daughter in laws side...lol lol. He was waiting for them to go over to him...lol lol lol...Well no one went over, because I was the ice breaker in the wedding and the baby shower...lol lol. Although, my ex was not invited to the baby shower. He, fortunately for me, lives 3,500 miles away...lol lol....
My point of rattling on with this is...I but myself front and center (anxiety and all) and the first to get up and go over to others and make sure they are enjoying and ask if there is anything they need. The conversations start there and I am having myself a great time and not feeling anything but excitement, happiness, and love from all the wonderful people I am associating with. I don't give my ex husband the chance to take away my happiness or love on any events where we are both attending.

I too want this for you Liz,.. You are the mother, upfront and center. It's your day to shine and stay shinning. If I need to text you 10 minutes before you see your ex and his wife I will..lol lol..What I will tell you is this...Upon facing them, have the biggest smile on your face while expressing this wonderful eventis, how excited you are to there, how wonderful your new daughter in law is ad bla, bla bla. Don't give him a chance to talk. Turn your head to the others around you and start talking to them immediately and control the conversation...From there just start chatting with others and leave them behind to continue the conversation you started..lol lol.. Leave them in their tracks... It's your day as the grooms mother and you will glow, shine, and hopefully have the time of your life....I will be praying for your strength....

[Carleeta]

Out of likes here Carleeta, loved your post. Can relate to what you are saying. Of course having a happy go lucky nature is of great help. Which is not my case.
 
Got to work on findind the positive in the negative. I am happy with some changes I brought in my life in the last few months, in fact, happy for many things. Grateful would be a better word perhaps.
 
The state of mind of the last 2 weeks, minus 2 days, has made it difficult to focus on these.
 
But a few hours here and there bring them back, and I smile, my soul smile.
 
And when my soul smiles, I light up.
 
It is not that do not accomplish things, I do. All is in order in the house, I work part time, but what I miss the most, is doing it with a smile!
 
As my doc said yesterday, walking with a bear along your side is not easy. Waiting for the good days, at least, I have a few hours here and there. For the time being.

Gail, you are welcome. It's difficult to find something good during our bad days I know that for a fact. But just cleaning one part of your home, and getting up to go to work is a positive. It's hard to see it, but it is. I know it's not enjoyable, although it's a positive. I see how far you have come, even if you don't see it yet. Do you really think I wake up with a smile? Heck, no! I just jump out of bed (most days and not always) go into the bathroom wash my face and brush my teeth. That there puts me in an upiddy mood, and didn't realize it until a week or two passed. From there I found all these little other things I was doing which I wasn't doing while on anti depressants. I had a very slow start and once I found a great psychologist, I started keeping track here on this thread of all the positives I thought were nothing but just hygene..lol lol. And yes, when a bad day came I thought 'oh no, I'm never going to get over this'. We all think like that, and then poof all the positives disappeared and all I saw was negative again. I have to keep after myself in all my conversation, interactions, and postings, to point out the positives. It will come easier for you Gail, soon. I am hoping you are just finding some peace with the little chores, posting here, and taking the time to just go outside and look at nature. Nature is for real!

Thoughts and prayers to you.....

[TryinginFL]

Carleeta,

 

What a wonderful and loving post - I am sure that I will read this many times before I leave!

 

I appreciate you all more than you know - somehow I feel that I have slipped back a few months - a mudslide perhaps? - but I know that I will get through this with all of your help and caring...

 

When it is over, and thank God, I know it WILL be, I hope to continue on getting myself back together post the crapalta - even if I have to be "glued" back together!

[Carleeta]

8:00 pm....all timed candles, mercury gazing balls, and mini bonsais all just went off. The house looks amazing and so relaxing. Just what I needed to shift my mind from the comfortableness of this back and neck pain. Truly puts me in a trance...lol lol. I don't need to be in a trance as Im a bit flighty as it is....lol lol

Wishing you all a wonderful night which is peaceful enough for all those who are having a difficult time these last few days.

Sending prayers, thoughts, and love your way.......:}

[FiveNotions]

Wow, what a wonderful afternoon discussion I missed! I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes ... just what I needed to hear/read .... I just got home from visiting my friend in the nursing home for the first time in almost a week ... the guilt meter was off the charts, but I've been trying to focus on my job search ... my emotions this afternoon have been all over the lot...pretty volatile feeling inside ... from fear and despair (finding a job) to anger (crapalta ruined my life, blah blah blah) to frustration/guilt (don't visit my friend often enuf) ... and then I signed on here, and .... I've got a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart ... along with the tears in my eyes....

 

I simply do not know what I would do without each and every one of my friends here ... I am so grateful for all of you!!!

[TryinginFL]

FN...

 

Why do we get so few "likes"?  I loved your post and know that you have much on your mind. Guilt feelings eat you up and added to the anxiety of job searching, it is no wonder your emotions are all over the place!

 

I, too, blame Crapalta for what has been going on w/me and often go back to the "what if" I had NEVER taken the poison!  I am well aware that this does no good, but I also feel the anger at what it has done to me (and my poor messed up brain)!

 

I pray that you will be able to have a restful evening ..

 

Love and hugs,

Liz   

[FiveNotions]

Yep, TFL, I'm having a lovely evening now ... just reading what we all post here puts me in a good place .. being reassured that it's not "just me," that I'm not "all alone" .... and goodness gracious, whatever are these "mercury ball" thingys that Carleeta is into? I'm going to have to do some googling.... I do the scented candles, and I have a nice sound machine .... which I've recently started using again ... rain storm sounds... which always makes me feel safe and secure for some reason ... but "mercury balls" ... nope, gotta' look into this ...

 

Then again, I may also look into getting some boxing gloves and a punching bag ...

[TryinginFL]

FN,

 

LOL - maybe the punching bag and gloves should be at the top of the list!

[gail]

Gail, you are welcome. It's difficult to find something good during our bad days I know that for a fact. But just cleaning one part of your home, and getting up to go to work is a positive. It's hard to see it, but it is. I know it's not enjoyable, although it's a positive. I see how far you have come, even if you don't see it yet. Do you really think I wake up with a smile? Heck, no! I just jump out of bed (most days and not always) go into the bathroom wash my face and brush my teeth. That there puts me in an upiddy mood, and didn't realize it until a week or two passed. From there I found all these little other things I was doing which I wasn't doing while on anti depressants. I had a very slow start and once I found a great psychologist, I started keeping track here on this thread of all the positives I thought were nothing but just hygene..lol lol. And yes, when a bad day came I thought 'oh no, I'm never going to get over this'. We all think like that, and then poof all the positives disappeared and all I saw was negative again. I have to keep after myself in all my conversation, interactions, and postings, to point out the positives. It will come easier for you Gail, soon. I am hoping you are just finding some peace with the little chores, posting here, and taking the time to just go outside and look at nature. Nature is for real!

Thoughts and prayers to you.....

 

Carleeta, I can see from your reply that you truly understand, and that you have walked the walk.

 

Your honesty and sensitivity touches me. The fact that you do understand and do not judge or push is of great relief.

 

When you say it is not enjoyable, but is a positive, I like this a lot.

 

Yes, Carleeta, you are quite an inspiration. Quite a few of those here, got to mention FiveNotions. And many others.

[Carleeta]

My positive today is..I just sat up a few min..yipeeeeee

[FiveNotions]

Carleeta ... you just sat up a few minutes? Are you okay? Do I need to check the "negative events" thread?

[TryinginFL]

Today's positive - had a facial this afternoon which I really couldn't afford, but have been in such a funk lately that I decided I deserved it!!

[FiveNotions]

oh, how lovely, TFL! And didn't you also get your hair cut the other day?

[TryinginFL]

Yep - yesterday was the cut!  Trying to make myself "bootiful" for the trip! 

[Carleeta]

Today's positive - had a facial this afternoon which I really couldn't afford, but have been in such a funk lately that I decided I deserved it!!

Tryinginfl......yipeeee. good for you.....yipeeeee

[Carleeta]

oh, how lovely, TFL! And didn't you also get your hair cut the other day?

Yep - yesterday was the cut!  Trying to make myself "bootiful" for the trip! 

TryinginFl....yipeeeeeee.. Im getting excited for you

[Carleeta]

Carleeta ... you just sat up a few minutes? Are you okay? Do I need to check the "negative events" thread?

FiveNotions. I didn't post in the negative thread. I'm a bit better today with my back and neck. It threw me back a few days and the flexeril makes me feel as though I was on a planet by myself...lol lol. I was able to get out of the house today to pick up a few little things at the store, and I mean a few little things. Only out about 30 minutes total. Thank you for asking my friend.....

[Carleeta]

Its later in the evening and needed to post my positives for today.  My neck and back are a bit better today than yesterday.  My anxiety is high and thinking about the doctor's appointment on Thursday.  Between the pain and my anxiety..omg...lol lol lol.  My positive today was I did leave the house and walk over to my cousin and her husband's house because it was his birthday. (didn't walk far, right next door...lol lol.  I did manage to drive to the store and pick up some goodies to bring over because naturally I was unable to cook...lol lol.  Although I went to the Italian bakery and bought his favorite Italian dessert...lol lol.  Wasn't sure I would even make it there today and I did.  Admitting the pain was still there and very uncomfortable.. Once I had a nice glass of wine, of course, the pain subsided much.. lol lol.  Did not drink to excess...lol lol...We all had a good time and their children and grandchildren showed up, and I was positively in heaven.  I'm positively blessed to have such a wonderful family....

[ShadyLady]

Good grief, ya'all are accomplishing so much in a day!! I haven't posted in the last week and a half or so, until yesterday, as it seemed my d/c along with the sxs has regressed me to that of an infant trying to crawl:/ Reading all these 'positives' makes my shame all the more intense:(

Nevertheless, I posted to FN that I was going to make two Dr. appointments today so there was an accountability factor for me! One for the Hashimoto's I have been neglecting with necessary follow up blood work quarterly (last bloodwork Dec!) & the second for an appointment with a therapist, never have seen one cuz I had all the answers being a Psych Major, right!?...The positive is I picked up the telephone, ugh..very scary, and called insurance for the psychologist referral through the MAP (members assistance program?) & spent most of the day trying to get help! As of right now, no appt:(, I posted that frustration somewhere else on the site, BUT the positive is I tried to do something positive instead of being frozen in the throes of sxs that continue to plague me incessantly:/

So, as hard as it is in this infancy of 6wks off the C*rack, it was something Positive for me in picking up the phone & trying!

[FiveNotions]

Cym, that's awesome about the therapist ... I responded to you on the other thread, but I didn't realize (remember?) that you've never seen/talked to a therapist ... this is excellent! It's a great start, and definitely a positive ... especially for your 6th week off the junk!

Um, I plead ignorance ... what is "Hashimoto's"? If you hadn't mentioned it in the same sentence with doctor and blood work, I'da figured that you were calling for reservations at your local Japanese sushi restaurant ... ;-)

[ShadyLady]

Teehee, sushi, better yet sashimi sounds good! Hashimoto's Syndrome (that frickin syndrome word:() is in a league of it's own related to hypothyroidism. I have not done my part in managing it as I haven't given a shit about myself for years:(. So, now with a flicker of mental clarity I thought maybe it is wreaking more havoc with the sxs of this d/c. I am not okay & am scared there isn't a victory to be gained in this stubborn, old Irish broad in continuing this journey to be ssri/ssnri free. Oxymoron, right? Thank you, Dear, for always stepping up to the plate! You're the best physician to date, xoxo

[FiveNotions]

You don't realize it, Cym, cuz you're right in the midst of the battle ... but you've made huge progress since you first arrived here ... you're sorting things out, bit by bit, learning a lot, sharing a lot with us ... especially the gift of laughter ... just what you accomplished today was major ...

[Carleeta]

My positive today is I went with family members to eat lunch out (Cobb salad with a vacant for me), then off to Barnes and Noble to buy my great cousin some books of her choice as part of her birthday present..well lol lol..amazingly enough I was able to relate to this soon to be 10 year old and found a few books she liked...lol lol...family members were picking history orientated books and she wasn't interested...lol lol...well I knew that...lol lol...I remember reading everything except anything to do with school...lol lol...Of course my cousin was no help because prior t Barnes and Noble she had her eyes dilated during an eye exam...and of course she ended up getting dizzy while trying to read...lol lol...not a good choice to take her niece on this day..lol lol...it was positively wonderful I went also or the poor 10 year old would have ended up with a book in history...lol lol...It was fun and positively interesting. .lol lol

[Carleeta]

Positively had went to the beauty salon today and had my hair cut.  My stylist was easy on me today..lol lol lol.  Had to tell her how sore I've been lately, therefore she washed my hair with a nice gentle rub..lol lol....I absolutely love when she gives me a nice message when she colors and styles my hair, lol lol...although today I told her I would have to pass.. lol lol.....Felt good to drive there and was very anxious about my pain/soreness...absolutely was a positive experience...