1908 replies to this topic

[FiveNotions]

I posted this on another thread as a response to TFL.....but I'm going to repost it here, because I positively need the help of all my forum friends.... I have a chance....a very slim chance...at my dream job.....

Working as a librarian in the library of the Catholic seminary where I first worked as a librarian, almost 20 years ago! It all happened by "coincidence"....I "happened" to be at the seminary yesterday for the graduation ceremony....I "happened" to meet and have a long chat with the current head librarian....and he "happened" to have a job opening....doing almost the same work I did there 20 yrs ago!

at first the HL indicated that he had a final candidate and was ready to make an offer, but by the end of our chat he was asking me to send him my resume! (Which I did today) Maybe the fact that I've worked there before, am also a Catholic, etc etc etc will give me a last minute shot at the job....for this I need a miracle

So, I'm asking all my friends to do whatever it is they do for miracles to happen....pray, send up positive thoughts, light incense, burn candles...hell, drink a six pack....I need a job, this is my dream job.....

Please, forum friends.....will you help me with this?

[FiveNotions]

PS.....oh, and I'm also fighting off a panic attack.....too much good stuff fried my circuits.....iI spent 4 hours re-working my resume (yes, it needed it) .....and after I sent it in today I had to give in and take a lorazepam (.5 mg).....

I'm chilling out now....and have stopped trying to do anything else today.....

[TryinginFL]

FN - take it easy, now - remember that "being kind to yourself"!   You have outdone yourself today and deserve the rest...

 

Again

Love, hugs and prayers,

Liz

[Wagtail]

Hi FN ...I am so excited for you , I will pray I will cross my fingers ..hell I'll cross everything on my body that's crossable for you .... That is wonderful POSITIVE NEWS... Good Luck my friend .. A HAPPY panic attack is acceptable ..ha ha :-))))

[fishinghat]

I am real happy for you clearglass. Enjoy!!

[FiveNotions]

Hi FN ..hell I'll cross everything on my body that's crossable for you .... That is wonderful POSITIVE NEWS... Good Luck my friend .. A HAPPY panic attack is acceptable ..ha ha :-))))

Hehehe.....that comment reminds me....back in the day....the ads for "cross your heart" bras...."lift and separate" .....apologies to the gentlemen here....

[Wagtail]

Hehehe.....that comment reminds me....back in the day....the ads for "cross your heart" bras...."lift and separate" .....apologies to the gentlemen here....

I remember that ad very well ha ha & yes if necessary I'll cross them as well ..:-)

[TryinginFL]

FN and Wagtail.... You 2 are 2 much!!!

[FiveNotions]

Wagtail, that is tooooo funny.......I'll let you know if extreme measures are required.....but for now, you can keep "the girls" in their proper places.... :-D

[Wagtail]

Having trouble moving with everything including boobs crossed, so I thought I would take a few minutes while I'm sitting here to update my positive posts.
What a remarkable couple of days or I should say week really , many ups & downs but still very positive .

Yesterday one of our beautiful daughters came for a visit from Sydney , bringing her husband & our 3 yr old grandson with her. It's a 2/3 hr trip to our place , we live on the Central Coast of NSW. Our other daughter & our eldest grandchild who just turned 16 yo on the 15th May popped in to visit as well , they live in the same suburb as us .
Our daughter from Sydney & her family came to stay the night & to cook me a special birthday dinner ( she & her husband LOVE TO COOK ) & are excellent cooks.
Before dinner we all went for a walk along the waterfront just as the sun was setting.
Although I am still not GREAT I can say that I felt VERY GOOD ... it takes a little self talking & a whole lot of motivation but @ least I can do it & it's something that I couldn't have done whilst on CRAPALTA or during the withdrawal part of my recovery .

I could see the world through the eyes of my 3yo grandson ... I noticed the mild balmy weather , I noticed the beautiful colored sky & trees & grass.
I laughed @ him laughing , I walked very fast , almost ran to keep up with him , I played on the playground equipment with him & loved every minute of it .
I could see the happy smiles on the faces of my loved ones as they watched their wife, mother & mother in-law rebirthing ... The old Gail returning to them ... Slightly dented & scared & just a tad puffy but the old ME never the less.
I do expect to still have my bad days & still battle for a good nights sleep & the motivation to exercise but I am most definately Happy to be alive ..

[FiveNotions]

Oh wagtail, I'm crying tears of joy for you!

Welcome back to the real you!

[TryinginFL]

Wagtail...  what a wonderful post!  I am so envious as I have no family here (only 2 sons on the west coast) and no grandchildren

 

So happy that you are feeling much better and are able to enjoy that wonderful family of yours!   You have come a long way since I joined this forum and I know that it has not been an easy task.

 

Bless you and you will remain in my thoughts...

 

Hugs,

Liz

[clearglass]

I am real happy for you clearglass. Enjoy!!

Thank you fishinghat.

[thismoment]

Wagtail

I always knew you were there.

[thismoment]

FiveNotions

 

I've never prayed before, but I'm saying one for you. Maybe because I'm a first-time caller it will get put through! Best wishes on your job application!

[TryinginFL]

clearglass - Congratulations on your first week at work!  I'm sure you ARE tired when you get home!  You are coming along beautifully - obviously mostly good days! 

I 'm so happy for you!

 

Love, hugs and prayers,

Liz

[gail]

Wagtail, you are an inspiration to me, such a nice and warm post, thanks.

 

FiveNotions, I hope and pray you get this.

 

Liz, seems you are past the worst and seem in a good mood, happy for you.

 

Clearglass, good days, alas! good for you.

 

All of you, Thanks for being there, or here. You all bring such hope.

[Xanazul]

Wagtail, I feel so well to hear all you said! Also, is the new picture you have one you have taken recently? You look wonderful. Your face and eyes are your soul mirror by sure.
FN, as TM, I do not pray and probably have never done it since I was a child (now that I come to think about it, this surenly is a kind of help I am missing). Anyway, in whatever good will, hope or any other positive feeling coming from me could help, I am sending it to you.

[FiveNotions]

Thank you my wonderful friends...supportive thoughts and prayers coming my way from around the world....a really remarkable aspect of the internet....I feel "safe and snug" right now....wrapped up in a blanket of friendship .....a very very great gift!

[FiveNotions]

Here's my positive for the day....I just got home from visiting my nursing home friend and there was a voice mail message from the head librarian....he said he has "just one question he'd like to ask me" ...and wants me to call him first thing tomorrow.... :-)

Let's hope the question is "what's your salary range"!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

[TryinginFL]

Everything's crossed FN.... Oh, I pray

[thismoment]

TryinginFL

 

After 17 weeks CT what's your status? You sound strong.

[thismoment]

Clearglass

 

After nearly 8 weeks following bead counting what's your status? You sound strong too.

[thismoment]

FiveNotions

 

You're in your 6th month following CT- a totally admirable feat. If you had to put a rough percentage on the status of your overall recovery, what would that be? 

[TryinginFL]

TM...thanks for asking!  I have mostly good days now, with a small amount of depression thrown in once in a while, lest I forget that I am still on the fragile side...

 

Weeping still comes easily - it can be something I see on TV, read on Facebook or just thinking about the daughter I lost 5 yrs ago .  I realize I have come a long way and hope to continue improving so that I will be in even better shape by the time of my son's wedding on Aug 8!  (I am actually teary as I type this)

 

I am now weaning off of trazodone but at least it is a small dosage at only 50 mg.

 

I am trying hard to just let things be - what gets done is OK - what doesn't can wait!

 

Thanks again, TM....you are a wonderful friend and I appreciate your caring!

 

Liz

 

[FiveNotions]

New positive re. the library job....the head librarian just called me. The offer for the full time position they had made to someone else has been accepted....but, he wanted to know if I'd consider a part time position. I said yes! He's going to see if he can get additional funding from the school to pay for it....all I really need is the bare bones...enuf to pay for my rent and utilities.....(I swallowed my pride several months ago and got food stamps and medicaid insurance)....I told him this (well, not the food stamps/medicaid part)....and pointed out that this would save them the huge costs of the benefits associated with full time positions (I'm sure he already knew that).....

Honestly, I think a part time job is really all I can handle mentally or physically at this point in my recovery....in fact, I find myself feeling very relieved not to be offered a full time position....I truly don't think I can/could handle working 35 hours a week, with a full range of responsibilities....and likely that will never change.....

God willing, this PT gig will come through...

And, in response to TM's question about what my percentage recovery is .....well, I don't know if I can be specific....I have days where physically I'm doing/feeling better than I have in a decade....since pre cymbalta.....then I'll have a day or two where I feel lousy....

My real concern is my mental / cognitive functions....my short term memory seems unstable an awful lot of the time.....as does my concentration....I've joked about this on at least one other thread...but it frightens me.....I can hold up for short "bursts" ...for a few hours....but then I get worn out....and what worries me is that when I "space out" I'm not even aware of it....until I "wake up".....my attention to details is lousy.....not good for a librarian....

Which is why I think the most I can handle work-wise is part time....I need to be able to have lots of down-time .....I'm not sufficiently disabled to qualify for SSDI, but I'm not fully functional, either...not enuf to do a full time professional job.....

And I'm not sure that this will ever improve too much....I'm trying to just come to a level of acceptance of what I have, what I've lost (to both crapalta and just plain old getting older), and learn what my new limits are....

As with AA and alcohol, with crapalta......I'm recovering....I will never be "recovered"....

[thismoment]

Hi Liz

 

Sometimes it's easy to confuse depression with melancholy. Here's a taste-test to distinguish between the two: if it's bitter it's depression; if it's bitter-sweet it's melancholy. When it's depression, all doors get closed; when its melancholy, doors open- you can create, you can feel love, you can feel compassion, and you can cry your heart out and come away fulfilled.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. There's no closer connection on earth than that of a mother and her daughter.

 

You said you 'just let things be'- that's acceptance, and when you can't change something, that will give you peace. A very good place to be!

 

Take care.

[FiveNotions]

Interesting test, TM.....bitterness vs melancholy .... all doors closed, yes, I know that feeling....usually it comes with the anxiety/near panic.....I don't associate bitterness with my depression....I associate that with the various hurts and hard feelings I have stuffed in my internal closets....that's part of my current "forgiveness project".....

Very thought-provoking, TM...will reflect further!

Liz, my heart goes out to you for the loss of your daughter....weeping is natural, and healthy....cymbalta numbed all the genuine, appropriate emotions in me.....which was helpful at the time because I was truly overwhelmed and frozen....now I'm finding that I still need to go through those emotions....live through and express now what I didn't/couldn't back then.....the hard part for me is to do so a bit at a time, rather than open the flood gate.....and I want to do this without drugs....no more drugs for me...I choose to live!

[thismoment]

FN

 

I think you will enjoy a lot of improvements beyond the 6 months. I didn't want to influence any percentage you might venture at 6 months, but I'll say now that I was perhaps 70% at 6 months.  As a frame of reference, 50% was when I felt I was "over the hump", and recovery was more than possible- it was likely. That was perhaps at 3-4 months.

 

At 6 months my memory stream had gaps, but those gaps eventually closed rank. However, the gaps that did occur back then remain vacant today. But as far as I can tell I'm making no new gaps now. I think the "space out" you sense is a related 'gap' that will continue to close up as you continue to heal.

 

It's interesting, in Mindfulness Meditation and other contemplative disciplines we seek to occupy that "gap" where the internal dialogue is silent and the only sound we hear is the whisper of the solar wind.

 

You still have many good things to look forward to! I hope you get your PT position; it sounds like it will leap-frog you forward, and before you know it you'll be smiling into the sun and playing hopscotch on the sidewalk!

 

And you're right, depression tastes flat and heavy, and melancholy is bitter-sweet. Good note.

[FiveNotions]

TN, your description of your experience in Mindfulness Meditation is beautiful.....it accord with how describe/experience contemplative prayer.....and it reminds me that that is what I need to do more of! :-)

Thank you also for the encouragement and observations about mental faculties post cymbalta.....