The brain fog and zaps are lessening. I have been off of cymbalta for 36 days and on nortriptyline for about the same. I have had to take clorazepate some for the brain zaps and anxiety. For the past couple of weeks though, I have been an a-hole! I mean, I can't stand being with me. My mother sees it and now I've made my 7 year old daughter cry because of my anger issues. Is this a symptom of withdrawal? Is this because of the nortriptyline? Something else?
Beginning To Hate Myself
Started by silverseed71, May 17 2012 01:04 PM
6 replies to this topic
#2
ShannaB
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Posted 17 May 2012 - 06:04 PM
This has happened to me too. In my current state I'm not able to judge whether it's the withdrawal or if I'm a genuinely horrible person, so I have asked a lot of people and none of them seem to think I'm genuinely horrible. I just hate my disgusting behaviour so much, and when I was on the medication it was like I could see it coming and head it off, but now without it (or as part of the withdrawal) the shades of grey are gone - there's no warning when I'm going to snap, it's just black and white, like a switch has flipped.
I talked to my psychologist about it, she said it's pretty much just a matter of practice to sense when you are going to do something awful and then make the choice to not behave that way. She also said it's "never too late" to pull out of it if you realise you're in the middle of doing something awful. (Like, just shut your mouth, apologise, and back out of the room!)
I think one of the hardest things about going through this is the self-hatred, and trying very hard to maintain compassion for myself. Compassion is great, because it means I don't even have to LIKE myself, I just have to allow myself to be human, imperfect, and going through something pretty tough right now and telling myself that it's ok. Self-compassion is really really HARD, it's not a comfortable thing to work on when you hate yourself, but it's absolutely worth doing because the fact that you don't like the way you're behaving means it's NOT WHO YOU ARE. I hate my bad behaviour, but I hate my self-hatred just as much. I don't WANT to behave badly, and I don't want to hate myself either.
Go to http://www.self-compassion.org (my psychologist recommended this resource). Download the 'Loving Kindness / Self-Compassion' meditation and the 'Soften, Soothe, Allow' meditation - they are free and they are a great way to start cutting yourself a bit of slack and help you feel a bit more on top of yourself.
Go see someone if you need to - another HARD thing to do (for me) because seeing a psychologist forced me to confront my stuff AND there is that element of shame attached to it (like 'I'm too weak to cope on my own' and 'everyone will think I'm pathetic'). Oh, all that dreadful negative self talk!!! But I can't tell you how grateful I am that I started seeing my psychologist. She practices Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), and is teaching me to accept my negative thoughts but not 'struggle' with them (trying to push them away which is exhausting) OR 'fusing' with them (believing the negative thoughts and believing they make me who I am). I have a long way to go, but it has helped me through PTSD and now is helping me through this. So I encourage you to give it a go if you're up to it. (And I really recommend ACT, I'm sure it's not everyone's cup of tea but it's sure helped me much more than trying to 'change' myself or my thoughts.)
Good luck!!
I talked to my psychologist about it, she said it's pretty much just a matter of practice to sense when you are going to do something awful and then make the choice to not behave that way. She also said it's "never too late" to pull out of it if you realise you're in the middle of doing something awful. (Like, just shut your mouth, apologise, and back out of the room!)
I think one of the hardest things about going through this is the self-hatred, and trying very hard to maintain compassion for myself. Compassion is great, because it means I don't even have to LIKE myself, I just have to allow myself to be human, imperfect, and going through something pretty tough right now and telling myself that it's ok. Self-compassion is really really HARD, it's not a comfortable thing to work on when you hate yourself, but it's absolutely worth doing because the fact that you don't like the way you're behaving means it's NOT WHO YOU ARE. I hate my bad behaviour, but I hate my self-hatred just as much. I don't WANT to behave badly, and I don't want to hate myself either.
Go to http://www.self-compassion.org (my psychologist recommended this resource). Download the 'Loving Kindness / Self-Compassion' meditation and the 'Soften, Soothe, Allow' meditation - they are free and they are a great way to start cutting yourself a bit of slack and help you feel a bit more on top of yourself.
Go see someone if you need to - another HARD thing to do (for me) because seeing a psychologist forced me to confront my stuff AND there is that element of shame attached to it (like 'I'm too weak to cope on my own' and 'everyone will think I'm pathetic'). Oh, all that dreadful negative self talk!!! But I can't tell you how grateful I am that I started seeing my psychologist. She practices Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), and is teaching me to accept my negative thoughts but not 'struggle' with them (trying to push them away which is exhausting) OR 'fusing' with them (believing the negative thoughts and believing they make me who I am). I have a long way to go, but it has helped me through PTSD and now is helping me through this. So I encourage you to give it a go if you're up to it. (And I really recommend ACT, I'm sure it's not everyone's cup of tea but it's sure helped me much more than trying to 'change' myself or my thoughts.)
Good luck!!
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#3
kzap
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Posted 17 May 2012 - 07:37 PM
Thanks for sharing your experience with self hating.So far I haven't GONE OFF on any of my friends or family. Of course, I haven't been around anyone but my husband and I tell him "I'm MEAN today when I feel like that . I'm so afraid of the episodes of RAGE. I haven't lost my temper in yeats. I have always been guilt ridden and self loathing in the past when I've lost control. Right now I hate myself enough for not being able to control these insane mood swings of crying at the drop of a hat. Oh well, I'm on day6 w/o cymbalta. I'm not as bad as I was yesterday. I have a lot of people praying for us. I know that God will get all of us through this. We will all be stronger after this ordeal and hopefully we can get Cymbalta off the market so others won't have to go through this torture.
Good luck in yor recovery process. May God Bless you and keep you safe.
Good luck in yor recovery process. May God Bless you and keep you safe.
#5
kzap
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Posted 18 May 2012 - 04:20 PM
OH,siverseed71, my heart breaks for you. I wish I could somehow cheer you up. Is your daughter old enough to understand that this medicine is making you weird? I don't have a clue how to help you , other than reminding you that you are not alone and God is by your side right now to help you through this misery. If you have a Bible try just opening it up and see where it leads you. God always has a way to comfort you. May HE surround you by his precios Angels right now and give you a big hug. We all need a big hug every now and then. Just ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL THAT SQUEEZE AND WARMTH AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW. IN JESUS' NAME I pray.
You are in my prayers. Please keep us posted. May GOD watch over you, bless you,and keep you safe.
You are in my prayers. Please keep us posted. May GOD watch over you, bless you,and keep you safe.
#6
Heartfeathers
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Posted 18 May 2012 - 05:45 PM
I can so relate! I am the most hateful , spiteful, person coming off this fuckingshit. Also, I usually don't curse.. so welcome to my party. I am so nutso that I just accused our veterinarian of working with a sales quota. OMG. If this shit doesn't kill me, someone that has to deal with me probably will. I want BLOOD from ELy Lily!
#7
Sandra
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Posted 01 June 2012 - 10:19 AM
The brain fog and zaps are lessening. I have been off of cymbalta for 36 days and on nortriptyline for about the same. I have had to take clorazepate some for the brain zaps and anxiety. For the past couple of weeks though, I have been an a-hole! I mean, I can't stand being with me. My mother sees it and now I've made my 7 year old daughter cry because of my anger issues. Is this a symptom of withdrawal? Is this because of the nortriptyline? Something else?
I understand what you are feeling. I have been very agitated and short tempered since weaning off this stuff too. Remind yourself that this will pass. It is only temporary and don't beat yourself up.
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