thank you Nancy. I will monitor the Propanolol carefully, I don't want to be on it any longer than I have to.
sorry guys, I have to let this out, I am desperate. there's no one I can talk to right now, it's late evening here, I keep crying and I can't settle.
I don't want to distress anyone on here or make them worse.
maybe if I put it down, I'll get some peace, I don't know. worth a shot, even if no one reads this, it'll be out.
seafaring bf and me are over. long story but it's the 'aren't you better yet' type syndrome, it's like all the past 6 months haven't happened.
I'm being 'unreasonable', anything that I raise with him (I check with mother/carer first now before I say anything, to check I am not being
unreasonable/irrational first) is 'not to be discussed'.
a chatsite that we both use-non medical, just normal chat- is where I have most online friends. there's been a lot of bullying for want of a better
word, on and off for 5 years. normally when it's been in my direction, I can handle it better. obviously this last 6 months, I can't, specially as it was
particularly bad last year. the only reason I stayed was I had some good people on there, so it was outweighing the bad at the time.
this week it all kicked off. stupid, pointless, mindless sniping and bullying from a few. given the eviction problem looming from my flat with my mother,
this could not have come at a worse time, plus also as you all know, I am still not fully recovered from the Cymbalta.
bf did not understand why I was getting so upset. I kept trying to tell him. if I got angry about it, he seemed shocked, almost disgusted? and unfortunately
the more shocked he seemed, the more upset I got. he had to go away for a course last week, so wasn't here and couldn't come to see me. he got back on Thursday night, and was tired. I understood that, and he said he'd come today. he went to a pub/club on Friday. I was a bit taken aback as thought he was tired,
but he has hardly been out in 6 months, so fair enough. I stayed on the chatsite to keep up a front that all was ok and none of us were 'beaten' by the problem people, as instructed to by him- 'learn to live with it, post as normal'.
obviously I was on edge with it all, so when I saw a Facebook post saying he'd checked into a club, I was 'eek!' I didn't say anything though. I just got drunk lol.
just to make it all go away, as I didn't know what time he'd be in, he usually texts to tell me he's going onto a club and I was worried. it's a meat market and a woman of dubious morals was accompanying the group! plus bf was drunk. so yes I hold my hands up, I was worried and uneasy and feeling sad and lonely.
next day I said gently, had the situation been reversed, would he not have been a bit worried? it was gently said. he got angry, and said it was not to be discussed further.
that did it:/ I closed my facebook account, closed the chat site account, and told him it was over. he said he wasn't even going to try to reason with me.
today I rang him (this won't go off bold lettering, sorry, I keep clicking and it won't go back to normal) to see if we could at least talk, plus he has stuff here that needs collecting.
he shouted at me so badly, said for an intelligent woman in her 30s, did I have no idea of what a relationship was, that I should've trusted him, that he'd been walking on eggshells with me for weeks, that it was difficult for him, that this was all my fault, unreasonable, with stupid ideas and that I look 'daft' if I got angry on the site.
it was the first time he'd shouted at me, the contempt and hatred in his voice made me shrivel up and want to die. I had said to him months ago when he gets angry/impatient, I do not react well to it due to my father having done this a lot to me as a child; serious shouting and rage, he was actually pretty psychotic it turned out years later.
that was it, I said ok bye quietly, and then just kind of self imploded. shivering, shaking, the heart thing, as said above. I trusted him, he was my one friend who I thought I could rely on. this last week, he has almost been like he hates me.
I keep going over 'you're a woman in your 30s', 'stupid', 'irrational' in my head. he thinks I'm mad. it makes me want to be sick:( I never shouted at him, not once. I only tried to make him see that I couldn't handle stuff right now. I feel so ashamed, so dirty. and yes, I do feel like a child, not a woman now, I keep cringing and cowering and squirming. I feel like dirt.
I just want to crawl away and die.
I think quitting smoking with the Crapalta created MAJOR insomnia. Ugh. I'm better, but still need more. I'm still doing the Benedryl thing...off the Xanax. You guys rock, have I told you that?
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as I was already past the 6 weeks off.
